


The Johnathan Chronicles Part 2.

by Elle_Dread



Series: McGregor Chronicles [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Plug, Anal Sex, Brother/Brother Incest, Child Abuse, Cults, Delinquent Behavior, Double Anal Penetration, Eating Disorders, Forced Orgasm, Forced Prostitution, Gang Rape, M/M, Oral Sex, Parent/Child Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Pederasty, Pedophilia, Porn Video, Priest Abuse, Self-Harm, Sex Toys, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Kissing, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:11:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 56
Words: 595,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_Dread/pseuds/Elle_Dread
Summary: Johnathan and his siblings and mother had managed to escape from his father. They thought they were rid of him for good, changing their last name and using resources available to them to cover their tracks. It was too good to last. Now that they are back home in his grasps what will Connor do to them? To John? Will they survive or will the punishment of leaving be more than can they withstand. Are they ready to deal with the storm or will it blow them away leaving only pieces of what might have been in it's wake.  I now have my livejournal active again it's mostly shorts. Some background stuff going on that you won't see in the main series for an add you just need to make a LiveJournal (it's free) and then well add link: https://mcgergor-story.livejournal.com/2006/05/17/





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pages 2-26 because i use title pages. If you want happiness don't read this. This is about the abuse lots of abuse. Somethings that happened or are talked about slightly in part one (which I suggest you read if you haven't) are explained in this part. You will find John becoming more and more unstable as time goes on throughout this story so if you're looking for a happy ending don't read. This party of the story is very rape/non-con heavy especially near the end. Again I don't condone raping people. I don't believe you should any of the things described within these pages read with caution may be triggering.

Summer school had been great. I had passed with straight A’s making up all the work I had missed when we had first left Europe and I had been held up in the house for 3 months. I had met a couple of people and become good friends with a few but hadn’t become as close to any of them has I had become with Heather. She was a beauty with dark eyes and dark hair, curves in all the right places and a round face that worked perfectly with her features. She was stunning short but unbelievably stunning and we had started hanging out after school hours. Going to the park and riding horses on her family’s farm where she would make fun of me, calling me city boy with her western accent. We went to movies together and finally after about 3 months we declared ourselves a couple. We didn’t have sex but outside of that intimacy our relationship was very much like the one Pat and I had once had.

  
We heard word through the group that had helped us escape them that Da was looking for us and had hired a private investigator to track us down but because all medical care we were getting was through the group he wouldn’t be able to find us because our socials weren’t being used. The car wasn’t even registered under mum’s name all the ones we were entered into the school district with were fake and we thought we would be ok. I was happy and actually doing well being a normal 13-year-old boy for once and not one whose whole existence was based around someone else’s sexual desires. Therapy was working for me and I was doing well having normal friends and normal anxieties for once in my life.

  
I emailed Pat once a month from the school library and told him about my life, writing emails that were pages long telling him how much I missed him, missed the way he smelled. Telling him about Heather and how she was so amazing. He encouraged me to tell her about my past to let her in. Who knows maybe if I had sooner things would have turned out differently than they did. One morning I came to school the last week of July and everyone was staring at me. Well, not everyone but Heather’s older brother Jason and his friends. I didn’t think anything of it and after a couple of days the weird stares stopped so I thought that was the end of it but it wasn’t it was only the beginning.

  
One day I was over at Heather’s after school and we were watching a movie on the couch, some TV movie about a girl who had been kidnapped as a young child. And Heather looked at me, “You know you’re on one of those websites, right?” She asked me casually.

  
“What websites?” I asked.

  
“Those missing kid websites. Apparently, there is one for parental abductions Jason saw your photo on it, he asked me about it and I said I knew your parents were divorced but not much else but it said your mom kidnapped you which I doubt is true,” She said like it was no big deal.

  
I felt the blood drain from my face because I knew they were looking for us but I didn’t know they would lie to the world and say my mum had kidnapped us. Would they really do that to find us? Would they really say my mum had kidnapped us in order to get us back?

  
“Did he do anything about it?” I asked her.

  
“What do you mean like contact the site? I told him to keep his nose out of it but yeah he did I think why?” She asked wrinkling her nose, “Is it true? Did she kidnap you?”

  
“When?” I asked standing up ready to leave.

  
“I don’t know why?” She asked me.

  
“I need to know when because I have to go tell my mum,” I answered going to the door and getting my shoes on.

  
“So, she did kidnap you then? Why would she do that?” She asked.

  
“You know how I’m not in school on Wednesday usually? It’s because I’m in therapy because my Da is a very very bad person ok? Just trust me there are people looking for us because he wants us back. He doesn’t see us as people he sees us as his property, I need to know when he contacted that site because depending on my family and I need to be gone yesterday ok?” I said hurriedly putting my shoes on, “Now tell me when he told you about it.”

  
“Like three days ago, why?” She asked, “Is he really that bad?”

  
“Well,” I stopped trying to think of how to put it, “He was involved in a group that really really love their kids and I’m not talking like in a normal way but in a bad way and they used to share. It was…hard to deal with ok? You waited 3 days to tell me,” I said opening the door and getting ready to bolt.

  
“You mean…,” Her eyes went wide, “Like he did things to you? Like sex things?” She wrinkled her nose in disgust, “Oh my god why didn’t you say anything about it? Wait was it like real sex sex or did he just…” I cut her off.

  
“Heather if you don’t mind I don’t want to talk to about it, I have to go like now, tell your brother thank you for ruining my life,” I said finally taking off and running down the street to my house. When I got there the van was in the drive way and I paused to catch my breath and then walked up the stairs and into the house. The eerily quiet house to my mum sitting on the couch with a man staring at her.

  
“Mum?” I asked timidly, “Where is everyone?”

  
“John love, come sit,” She said looking at me.

  
“Mum? We have to go,” I said, “Like right now I think Da knows where we are at.”

  
“John, this is Martin Shepard he is a P.I your Da hired to find us come here and sit down,” Mum said smiling strained.

  
The man turned around to look at me. He smiled his eyes raking up and down my frame making me have no doubt that he was one of them, “It’s nice to meet you. My friend already took the kids to the airport but we weren’t sure where you were so I was told to sit here with your mom and wait for you.”

  
“Come here love,” My mum said as I took a couple steps back, “Come here.”

  
“Mum he’s…” She cut off my words

  
“I know love, but if you’re with me you’ll be ok all right, come to me I’ll keep you as safe as I can,” She said and I ran past him like a young child and into my mum’s arms.

  
“I can’t do this mum, I can’t do this,” I whispered as she hugged me and stroked my hair.

  
“Love nothing is going to happen here, you’re going to sit with me and I’ll talk to this man and then we are probably going to go back but we’ll be ok all right love?” She said to me and I nodded my head, “DON’T YOU STARE AT MY SON YOU KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES ON ME GOT IT?” she shouted at him over my head, “And you look at me too ok, pretend he’s not even here.”

  
“I’ll look where I damn well please. If I really wanted to really have him, I would grab you by the hair pull you into a room and tie you up and gag you. And don’t think I couldn’t. I’m not that stupid though or impulsive I can wait,” He said looking at her but glancing at me for just a minute.

  
“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I whispered into her shoulder looking away from him because looking at him made my stomach feel like it was rotting.

  
“I know love; we’re going to be ok though. I promise you in the end we’ll be ok no matter what,” She said kissing my forehead.

  
“You’re Dad misses you, he loves you and he wants you back. Your mom should have never taken you. Honestly, he thinks it’s amazing you made it seven months without crawling back. He missed all of you but he really missed you Johnathan,” Shepard said smiling at me.

  
“He doesn’t love me,” I said shaking my head looking at him surprising my mum, “If he loved me when I said no when I made it clear I didn’t want to he would have respected me and wouldn’t have done the things he did.”

  
“You’re a kid you don’t know what you want,” Shepard said looking at me, “That’s a part of being young is having people tell you what’s best for you what you need, what you want he knows best. He knows what best for you and I’m sure if your body had ever said no he would have respected that.”

  
“Are you going to take us to the airport now?” My mum asked him, “You said we were just waiting for him and he’s here now so are you going to take us home?”

  
“I’m thinking about it,” He said, “However I have a message for both of you. If you ever run again the leader will be getting involved and this isn’t coming from your husband. He will make you pay because those kids are the moment your husband signed that paper and those first two boys got their hips branded he owned all of them got it? You don’t want to deal with the trouble that will come down on your head you try this again.”

  
“Taking my kids back to this, he doesn’t see that as punishment enough?” She asked Shepard.

  
“There is a nice market for rare women in the middle east of all ages. Think about that before you do something like this again. You don’t want a kid ending up on the wrong side of a snuff film either. You think the way Connor whored this one out last time was bad? Wait until he takes off with one of them to Tokyo if he does come back he won’t be the same kid he was when he left,” Shepard threatened.

  
“Don’t talk about my son like he’s not here,” She hissed at him.

  
“Mum, it’s fine it’s whatever,” I answered.

  
“We can go I suppose,” Shepard said looking me up and down making me shiver.

  
If this creep thought, I was going to let him touch me he was sorely mistaken. I had actually done a lot of work in therapy about making clear my personal boundaries to others and asserting myself. After we had left home I had been very timid and quiet about a lot of things because I had felt not safe but not threatened either I had closed myself off in a lot of ways. I was used to not being able to say no so I just didn’t say no even when I wanted to. I had to do a lot of work with my therapist to get past that and feel like I had the right to say no again.

  
“Your ok love,” My mum said, “We’ll get on a plane we’ll go back. I will do everything I can to keep all of you safe ok?”

  
I nodded my head in response. I was worried about it. Worried about him. Seeing him what he would do to me. I wasn’t stupid enough to think he wasn’t angry with me that he wasn’t going to hurt me and I also wasn’t stupid enough to think that mum could stop him. I knew what he would do to me the moment that he got me alone anywhere. The thought of his hands on my skin terrified me in ways I couldn’t put into words making me feel like I literally couldn’t breathe and that was after the long plane ride home back to Florida and what Shepard might have planned for that trip because the way he kept looking at me wasn’t spelling out anything good and I knew it.

  
“Come on love,” She said pulling on my arm making me move from the couch. I sighed heavily but got up.

  
“What about our stuff?” I asked.

  
“Well the favorite toys got send with the kids everything else was pretty new and you know you’re Da only the best of everything so I suppose we just leave it,” She said to me as we walked outside and she locked the door behind us. I looked at the driveway and Heather was standing there looking at me. A look of curiosity and disgust and worry written on her face.

  
“Can I say good bye?” I asked my mum looking at her and she nodded her head, “Yes love I’m right here go say goodbye.”

  
“What’s going on?” Heather asked as I walked up to her.

  
“We’re leaving,” I answered, “The thing your brother contacted tipped my Da off to where we were and well, they are here to take us home. They already have my little brothers and sisters so no choice. It was nice knowing you,” I said.  
“Wait didn’t you say your Da was pervy?” She asked me.

  
I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to talk about that especially with her and what did it matter now anyway? What was she going to do about it when he was forcing me to go back to him? When her brother had made the call that made this happen, “What do you want me to say?” I asked her.

  
“The truth,” She said, “I want the truth. I thought I knew you but now I feel like I don’t know you at all.”

  
“You don’t Heather, you don’t know me. I kept that from you because of the look on your face right now. That look that says I’m beyond gross that I’ve had sex and it’s wrong because it is like I don’t know that?” I said, “And you just sent me back to that, your brother did where I have no choice and no control over my body and can barely hold on to my mind all right what do you want me to tell you? That I’m angry I’m getting sent back there where I have to just bend over and take it so someone else doesn’t have to? Yeah, I’m angry, all right? I’m going to miss you but honestly because your brother couldn’t mind his business my life is over.”

  
I watched the tears trying to break free from her eyes. I hadn’t meant to hurt her but she had asked me for my honesty. She had asked me what I was thinking and said she didn’t know me at all. I wanted her to know how much this hurt, how scared and broken I felt again after working so hard for seven months to make some sort of personal progress.

  
“He really did stuff to you?” She asked me wiping away her tears, “Did he cut out your heart too? I’ve never, you’ve never treated me like this I’m glad you’re leaving because if this is how you treat people who care about you, how you are going to treat me I don’t want you to be here anymore. Goodbye.” She said turning and walking away before I could say anything else.

  
I watched her walk away. That was the last time I would ever see or talk to Heather. Mum patted my shoulder getting my attention and we hopped into the car both of us into the back seat. The drive to the airport she held me and I remember feeling completely numb the whole way through the airport and onto the plane. I know I fell asleep during the flight but don’t remember when. When I woke up we were landing in Florida. When we reached the terminal Da was there and so was someone that felt like a punch to the stomach. Hank. They both smiled at me and Da hugged mum tightly and whispered something to her as I walked away a little bit hoping that Hank wouldn’t follow me but of course he did.

  
“You touch me and I will scream,” I warned him.

  
“Got a little bit more bark to you now huh baby?” He said just loud enough I could hear him, “That will make for some fun.”

  
“Don’t even,” I said shaking my head trying to stand tall but finding myself falling short of his height.

  
Just then Hank turned and looked over pulling out his hand cuffs and then he cuffed my mum. He didn’t really say anything and neither did she but I was worried I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I went to go up to them to follow them and my Da reached out behind me putting his hand on my shoulder.

  
“Mum’s ok baby, he’s taking her somewhere to be evaluated about why she wanted to take you guys away from me, why she wanted to leave me,” Da said before I felt him sniff my hair, “You’ve gotten taller.”

  
“I know,” I said that cold ice I had gotten so used to being gone starting to spread under my skin.

  
“Let’s get you home huh, maybe you and I can spend some time together?” He muttered making me tense.

  
I remembered this. I remembered it well and I felt almost like I wanted to die. As we walked out to the parking lot I didn’t bother to try and climb into the backseat but climbed into the passenger seat next to him. He barely waited until we got on the road for his hand to find my thigh.

  
“You have no idea how much I missed you baby,” He said as his hand started sliding up my thigh towards my crotch making me jump, “Just relax not until we get home ok? I’m just warming you up is all.” He said as we stopped at a light. His hand slid to the bulge in my pants rubbing it slowly making my insides run ice cold. I squeezed my eyes closed wishing I could be somewhere else. Anywhere else that he wasn’t touching me the way he was that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling.

  
“Could you not?” I asked barely moving my lips as I felt my face flushing and my penis starting to get hard.

  
He stopped touching me and pulled his hand away taking his eyes off the road for a brief second to look at me, “Did you just tell me no?” he asked me.

  
“I did not say no I asked you if you would just not do it,” I said stuttering slightly.

  
“How long have you been away from me?” He asked me but didn’t wait for my answer, “Almost seven months and all of the sudden you don’t want to spent time with me? I gave you that body that body is mine. You don’t want to be with me fine but you know what will happen? I’ll have some alone time with Will a lot of alone time. You still want to say no?”

  
He looked over and read my body language. That one always put me in the mood to relent because those were my kids. He knew that would get me to shut up because I wasn’t letting him touch my kids. Never, “That’s what I thought,” he said smiling.  
“So, what like last time?” I asked swallowing.

  
“I haven’t decided yet,” He answered his hand traveling back up my thigh, “Maybe we’ll work something out. Your mum is going to be away for a little while I had her committed to a psychiatric hospital.”

  
“I won’t fight you if you leave them out of it, but only you ok? No videos, no Hank, no one else ok?” I said trying to keep my emotions from exploding even though my hands were shaking and I felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest.

  
“I’m not sure I can give you that, Hank misses you and he’s just as excited as I am to see how much you’ve changed,” Da answered me his hand finding its way back up to my crotch, “You don’t seem soft anymore more like you have man’s body. You seem thinner, harder.”

  
“I just got taller that’s it,” I answered squeezing my eyes shut as he started messaging me.

  
“No, it’s a lot more than that, you feel bigger in certain places,” He said rubbing harder.

  
“Oook,” I barely managed to get out as he turned onto our street.

  
“Sleep with me,” He said as he pulled up into the drive way,” Catching me by surprise.

  
“I didn’t think you would ask,” I said looking at him.

  
“Not asking, you share a bed with me ok?” He said putting the car in park and opening his door getting out leaving me there for a minute.

  
I sighed heavily. I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want this to be my life again. I got out of the car and said loudly, “I don’t suppose I can wear actual clothes?”

  
He turned just as his hand reached for the door knob, “I want to be able to see what I’m doing so no.” He turned the door knob and the sound from inside the house spilled out into the driveway the light inside seeming even brighter in the Florida evening.

  
He moved aside so I could walk into the house, into the kitchen where that damn table still was. I sighed and stepped over the threshold into the room to find everyone sitting around the table eating KFC silently with glum looks on their faces. Catty face brightened when she saw me walk in and then other faces perked up for just a minute until the realized mum wasn’t with me.

  
“Where’s mum?” James asked quietly.

  
“Mum is sick so she’s spending some time away from us so she can get better,” Da answered before I could say anything.

  
“She’s not sick,” Will said, “You mean you had her thrown somewhere she can’t help us.”

  
Da came around behind me and grabbed me by the waist squeezing slightly making me catch my breath. Not in front of them please not in front of them.

  
“When your mum comes back she’ll be better, trust me she’s sick,” Da said and I could feel him staring at Will over my shoulder. He was using me against Will in exactly the same way he used them against me just without words.

  
“John, come sit with us,” Will said pulling a chair out causing Da to wrap his arms around me clasping his hands in front of my belt.

  
I could feel the heat in my face. Feel that I was flushed and I knew my breath was coming in short spurts because I was trying not to hyperventilate as he grinded on me.

  
“Daddy you’re hurting him,” Catty said.

  
“No, I’m not, he’s all right,” He said to her and then whispered into my ear, “Aren’t you baby?”

  
“Can we not right now?” I asked almost begging.

  
“Just relax,” He whispered into my ear kissing the back of my neck.

  
I heard a laugh and looked over to find Uncle Ben standing by the open basement door. I was trying to keep calm but knew I was failing and that it was scaring them even more than they were already scared. Everyone had frozen watching us watching what he was doing and watching my reaction.

  
“Da stop,” Will said.

  
“I’m your father you don’t tell me what to do,” He said his hand going to the fly of my pants.

  
“You’re scaring him,” Mike said surprising me. He usually never spoke up but then again he hadn’t really seen Da do anything to anyone else as far as I knew.

  
I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I didn’t want to make him angry but I didn’t want him scaring them either and I didn’t want them to see this. See the way he was treating me because it wasn’t right. It was embarrassing and it wasn’t right.

  
“You need to stop Da,” Will said, “You really think they need to see this?”

  
“You all let her take you. You’re mine all of you are mine aren’t you baby?” He cooed into my ear starting to undo my pants as I stood there frozen.

  
“DADDY STOP IT!” Catherine screamed, “Leave him alone.”

  
“Who is going to take his place?” Da asked them looking at them closely. He stared at them and they stared back silently.

  
“I want you to see what happens when you try to leave. You are mine all of you are mine and you have no right to go anywhere without my permission. You understand me?” He asked sliding his hand down my open fly making me squeeze my eyes closed trying to control my breathing and keep myself from crying in front of them. I kept telling myself I had to be strong for them that I had to pull it together, to not be afraid but I could tell they could see it in my face even with my eyes closed they could tell I was afraid that I didn’t want this to happen to me.

  
“Come here baby,” He said turning me around in his arms as I tried to take that moment to break away a little bit give myself some breathing space. I felt like he was trying to choke the air out of me with his presence against my skin he turned me around so I was facing him clasping his hands on my waist again against the small of my back burying his head in my neck and starting to suck on it.

  
“Ok upstairs,” I whispered as his kisses starting trailing up my jaw bone to my mouth.

  
“No, not yet one kiss baby,” He said, “I want them to see.”

  
“Well I don’t,” I said feeling my cheeks burning, “Upstairs please.”

  
“No just one kiss or I can go down on you with them watching your choice,” He whispered into my ear.

  
The heat in my face was so strong I knew I was red from my neck to my hair line but I grabbed him by the chin and forced his lips to mine anyway allowing his tongue to explore my mouth for only a minute before I pushed myself away a little breathing heavy and I glared at him.

  
“Upstairs,” I said looking at him as I started to back away.

  
“That was gross,” James said a look of disgust passing his face.

  
“Jamie, that’s enough we’ll finish eating then go watch a movie ok?” Will said taking charge of the table, “Everyone eat.”

  
Da nodded his head and started coming towards me following me as I turned and started walking up the stairs. I could feel him behind me his eyes on me watching me the whole way. I couldn’t believe I was letting him do this that I was letting him climb into bed with me and do whatever he wanted to my body even if I was against it. When I got to the door I paused for a minute and took a deep breath before I opened it. I could feel every cell in my body screaming at me that I didn’t want this that it wasn’t right and yet I couldn’t stop him and I knew I couldn’t stop him.

  
When I opened the door, his hands went back around my waist from behind pushing me towards the bed. I allow myself to fall forward onto it and then rolled over before he could climb onto my back. His hands pulled my shirt over my head and I allowed him to as he started kissing me hard along my neck and on my face his tongue sliding into my mouth for a few seconds and the back out and back to my jaw bone and neck trailing to my collar bone as his hands slid between us undoing my pants and shoving them down my hips. I clawed at him my hands on his forearms trying to push him off of me even though I was letting him kiss me. I wanted to make it clear to him that I didn’t want this even if I wasn’t using my words.

  
“God, you feel so good I’ve missed you so much baby,” He said standing up and pulling his clothes off and he finished pulling my clothes off of me before he straddled me going back to kissing my neck and shoulders, “I can’t wait to be inside you. You have no idea how badly I’ve missed you.” He moaned between his kisses his hands scratching at my hips.

  
“Slow down,” I said as he moved to grab the Vaseline on the side table. It had been almost seven months since I had experienced any sex at all let alone penetrative anal sex and I knew it was going to hurt and hurt badly.

  
“No, no baby just relax when I push in you push out ok? That’s all it takes you remember how to do this. I’ll make you feel really good after I swear,” He muttered to me taking a huge glob of the Vaseline and slathering it on himself and then taking another glob and putting it on his fingers before he spread my knees and forced a finger up inside me making me gasps.

  
“Da stop it, you’re hurting me,” I said trying to push him off of me the tears starting as he shoved his other finger in moving it around trying to get me ready but rushing it.

  
“Baby you’re fine, your body wants this as bad as I do,” He said pushing my knees into my chest and entering me.

  
It sent a searing pain through my body and felt like he was ripping me. I wanted to scream but instead I bit my lips tightly closed as he let out a moan of ecstasy because I didn’t want him to know what I was feeling I didn’t want him to get a reaction from me. His right hand caressing my shoulder and face as his left held my hip tightly pulling out slowly only to sink back into me balls deep.

  
“Yeah? Your eyes just went really wide that feel good to you baby because it feels amazing to me,” He said doing it again.

  
He did it a couple more times until he hit something sending a tingle up my spine and I knew he had found that spot that would eventually make my eyes roll if I let it, if I decided I didn’t want the pain fighting against him would cause.

  
“Come on baby, you know it feels good just let it happen, let daddy make you feel good,” He moaned thrusting in and out pushing up against me making it hard for me to relax, “No no, don’t shut down on me baby, let it happen,” He whispered into my neck moving his hand from my hip to my penis starting to stroke it.

  
“Da please,” I begged pushing him away trying to push him off of me but finding even having grown and gotten stronger I wasn’t strong enough as I started to get hard.

  
“Just let it happen it will feel great baby I promise, god I’ve missed you so much,” He said starting to stroke fast and pounding harder as he got closer to his own climax, “God yes, this feels amazing you’re amazing baby.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he started going too hard making me feel pain and pleasure at the same time, “Oh god no no no no no,” I said as he bumped up against that spot again.

  
“Yes baby, come for me baby,” he said bumping up against it harder sending the pressure in my groin to that tipping point where I couldn’t hold it anymore and I started to climax as he did the same inside me. He collapsed on top of me breathing heavily and kissed my forehead, “You’re so beautiful that was beautiful you’re amazing baby, god so amazing,” he said pulling out of me hugging me to his chest making me feel sick to my stomach, “My beautiful boy.” He cooed starting to kiss my neck and throat again.

  
I knew what he was getting ready to do but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him do it as his tongue slid down to my collar bone, “No, no don’t do it Da please, please don’t do it.” I said going and grabbing his hair tightly as his face came level with my upper torso forcing him to stop.

“Did you just say don’t?” He asked me staring into my breast bone his hands clamping down on top of mine squeezing.

  
I swallowed hard. I had just made him very angry and I could see it in the rigidness of his movements. He was going to say he wanted to go get someone else or he was going to make sure I was in pain when he finished. I stared at him open mouthed because I knew I couldn’t take it back that it didn’t matter what I said to back pedal the damage was already done.

  
“You going to say it again or are you going to let me make you feel good and let me enjoy the body I made?” He asked looking up at me as he removed my hands from his hair and gently placed them by my sides. “You can either let me finish or you can say no and I’ll tie you down and make it happen which one?”

  
I gulped. If he tied me down only god knew when he would really finish but if I just let it happen let him go down on me then if I was lucky he would stop once I orgasmed the first time. I nodded my head, “ok.” I said quietly my whole brain starting to go numb.

  
“Good, I can’t wait to taste you see if you taste the same,” He said biting the skin above my navel making me jump before he licked his way down to where he wanted to be taking me in his mouth the wet hotness of it making me gasp and immediately bring me back to arousal.

  
Yeah, I didn’t miss that feeling. The feeling of being unable to control my body. I grabbed the side of the bed balling the sheet in my fist as my breath caught in my chest that sick cold ice feeling flooding through my body starting at my crotch and spreading up my spine out into my limbs as I tried to keep myself from making any sound at all to let him know what he was doing to me as wave after wave of cold crashed through my body. He started moaning with me in his mouth pushing me closer to the edge as my muscles started to twitch because I didn’t want to give him what he wanted. I held off as long as I could but eventually it happened like it always happened and he lifted his head up wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

  
“You still taste amazing,” he said climbing up into bed next to me and throwing the covers over both of us, “You’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.”

  
I didn’t say anything feeling like if I opened my mouth I would scream. I wanted to cut my dick off. I felt so gross so beyond a freak I don’t even have words to this day to explain that feeling how much of a failure I felt like that I had given him what he wanted. He grabbed me around the waist just spooning me at first as his hands reached into my lap and started stroking me again.

  
“Relax, you’re fine,” He whispered into my ear as I started to hyperventilate. I wanted his hands off of me. I didn’t want him touching me anymore I wanted to scrub my skin off and yet he wouldn’t let me go and I knew I couldn’t even ask him to that I had to wait until he was done. I was just thankful he couldn’t see my face and see that I was crying. He made me climax into his hand and then told me I could get up and clean myself off. I went into the bathroom.

  
I remember seeing the mouthwash there feeling like a brick to the stomach I had been sober for almost 6 months and I felt like I couldn’t deal with any of what had just happened without drinking. I turned and locked the bathroom door and then sat against it putting my back up against it so I could stare at the mouth wash hugging my knees to my chest. I could still feel him inside me his fluids dripping out and onto the rug underneath me. After ten or fifteen minutes, there was a slight knock on the door vibrating through my back.

  
“Come on baby, come play with me some more,” He said quietly before trying the handle. When he tried the handle, I heard him swear under his breath before he knocked harder, “Come on baby, I’ll make you feel really good this time, this round is all about you.”

  
I still didn’t say anything and I actually started shaking he started pounding at the door, “GET OUT HERE NOW! OPEN THIS DOOR BEFORE I GO GRAB ONE OF YOUR BROTHERS AND MAKE YOU LISTEN TO IT! NOW OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!” he screamed.

  
I swallowed, “Just give me a minute,” I said shakily standing up and splashing water on my face before I went and unlocked the door.

  
He tore it open and stared at me his eyes hard. I felt beyond sick. I wished I had something anything to take to my skin and cut myself with and he saw it in my eyes as more tears started to pour down my face.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked me staring at me.

  
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

  
“Come on,” He said grabbing my hand and leading me back towards the bed.

  
I let him. I laid there numbly and I let him. He pushed my body hard way past it’s limit to where I couldn’t feel anything that was happening and then he stopped. He curled up behind me and fell asleep while I laid there numbly for hours with my eyes open. I almost got up and left the room but thought about what Uncle Ben might do if he caught me in the kitchen and couldn’t stand the thought so I laid there and let him hold me his flaccid penis against the back of my thigh. The sun rose and I slid carefully out of his arms careful not the wake him and then found my clothes and got dressed opening the door slowly. I didn’t stop to find my shoes and socks but once I opened the door the ran down the street to that house I had only really seen once from the outside and went around to the back of it. It was maybe 5:30am I reached up and tapped on the window and then backed up to stand there and wait. I saw the curtain move and then a sleepy blond head poke through the curtains. At first there was a look of confusion on Cole’s face and then his eyes went wide and he tapped on the window twice before he disappeared back into the room.

  
A couple minutes later Pat snuck out the back door in his boxers and an under shirt. He almost ran over to me, “Holy fuck! Rabbit what the fuck are you doing here?” He whispered.

  
“He found us,” I answered as Pat held me close and I breathed him in my whole body shaking.

  
“What? How? When you emailed me last week you said things were fine you and Heather were fine had finally decided you were dating you said you were ok that your mum was good what happened?” He asked.

  
“He hired some guy that posted my face on a fake missing children’s website and Heathers brother Jason contacted them. When I got home yesterday he was there the guy he hired to find us and the kids were already gone at the airport. So, mum and I had no choice. When the plane landed, your Dad took my mum away in hand cuffs and then… I was home,” I answered.

  
“Did he already…?” Pat stopped asking as I squinted my eyes shut and buried my head in his neck, “Oh god Rabbit I’m so sorry. I’m sorry Rabbit.”

  
“I can’t keep doing this,” I said not able to stop my tears from coming, “I can’t do this again I can’t.”

  
“I know Rabbit, I know,” Pat said rubbing my back, “I know Rabbit god I love you, I’m so sorry.” He said as he walked us over to the back porch and we sat down on the steps.

  
“I still feel him on my skin, what he did, what he always does he…,” I started to say but Pat cut me off.

  
“Shhh, you don’t have to tell me Rabbit, you don’t have to tell me anything ok? “Pat said.

  
“I want to, can you listen?” I asked him.

  
“Yes, I’ll listen to anything you want to tell me always,” He said this look in his eyes that I couldn’t read.

  
“He blew me until I couldn’t cum anymore,” I said, “He hurt me and I hate myself for it.”

  
“You shouldn’t hate yourself ever. I love you way too much for you to hate yourself rabbit. I was hoping I wouldn’t see you again until college. I’m sorry that you can’t even be home without him…,” I cut Pat off.

  
“Without him what? Wanting to grope me? To suck me off to do things to me he shouldn’t want to do? I can’t be anywhere near him without him giving me that look and you know what I mean by that look because you probably see it at least once a day in someone’s eyes. He thinks I’m a piece of meat,” I said, “I feel like one too.”

  
“You are not a piece of meat you are a wonderful, amazing, intelligent, handsome young man Rabbit, you are beyond prefect ok? You are not a piece meat at all.” He said still rubbing my back, “I hate myself for being so happy to see you.”

  
“Don’t you’re the only good thing out of all of this,” I said looking into his eyes, “Being with you again.” I ran my hand threw his hair. God, he was wonderful. His ice blue eyes staring at me in that way that it felt like no one else ever could. Before I knew it, our lips were meeting his hands on the small of my back against my bare skin spreading that warmth that I missed so desperately. I wanted to crawl inside him to be one with him my hands touching his face, his neck. After a few minutes, he broke the kiss with me, and just stared at me.

  
“Sorry,” He said biting his lower lip shifting his lip ring, “I didn’t mean to do that, you’re not in the position to get involved with anyone.”

  
“I kissed back,” I replied, “Thank you that actually made me feel better.”

  
“That didn’t upset you?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “I actually think I might want to go farther if you get my meaning.”

  
“Oh Rabbit, if we do that we have to be careful and do you really think we should pick up where we left off?” He asked me.

  
I frowned, “Are you seeing someone?” I asked.

  
Pat watched my expression closely his brow furrowing, “Not exactly. Things got hard after you left. Like really hard my Dad thought your Dad’s idea of services for cash was a good idea so he made me do things with different people. Someone offered to contract me so I didn’t have to do that anymore and it was someone who suspected our relationship so I agreed to it that means I can’t sleep with anyone but him until the contract is up in March. I don’t enjoy it but it’s better than sleeping with a different man every night in the guest room in the basement.” Pat said blinking hard.

  
“Oh babe, I had no idea. Are you ok?” I asked him pressing my forehead to his.

  
“I’m a lot better now that you’re back,” He said as he started crying, “God I was so…relieved when you left but it hurt so much I thought I would never be able to stand it but I managed to keep going and now you’re back and it’s bad but god I missed you so fucking much.”

  
“I know babe, I missed you too, you have no idea how much I missed you,” I said, “Can you tell me who it is?”

  
“McClairen,” He said not opening his eyes not looking at me, “He’s not violent …”

  
I cut off his words, “Not violent can be worse than violent is he worse I mean you know what my Da is like what he does are you ok?”

  
Pat sighed and finished, “He’s not violent but he’s not nearly as much of a mind fuck as your dad is. He’s more of a he gets what he wants and then he lets me go he doesn’t force me to stay there with him or let him hold me so it’s pretty easy actually it just means that I can’t have sex with you because he doesn’t…he’s not safe. I get tested once every two months to make sure I don’t catch anything and he does the same but, it’s still safer to just not break the contract and that’s one of many reasons. You know the others.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head my forehead still pressed to his, “Don’t worry about it I get it.”

  
“It’s not a choice I’m making. I’m not choosing him I’m choosing us, I’m choosing us to be alive,”

  
“How has it been for everyone else?” I asked him.

  
“Hard,” Pat answered, “Dom has been at the villa almost none stop all summer I think he’s in the hospital now he tried to hang himself or something it just it was a suicide attempt. Cole is tired all the time but Arthur has him making videos all the time so between that and your Uncle he’s just beyond worn out. He sleeps all day when he has the chance first for a while it was your dad too but, he stopped about two months back for the most part. That’s when he really started to push towards finding you guys asked my Dad for help and he’s the one who suggested the PI he used.”

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know things would get so bad for everyone else,” I said laying down laying my head in his lap.

  
“It’s not your fault,” Pat said, “It just kind of happened your Dad decided he missed his family though so he started looking for you guys.”

  
“He didn’t miss them,” I said thinking about it making my chest feel tight.

  
“Don’t think about it like that,” He said started to run his hands through my hair.

  
“It’s true, we all know it. I snuck out of the house to come here because I felt like I couldn’t take another second in there,” I sighed, “If he had been awake he wouldn’t have let me leave at all. I’d still be stuck in that bedroom next to him.”  
“Should you get back before he wakes up?” Pat asked me leaning down giving me a quick spider man kiss.

  
“Huh,” I sighed, “There isn’t that much he can do to me that he hasn’t already done or isn’t planning to do anyway.”

  
“Still Rabbit, I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me. How do you even know he doesn’t already know you’re gone?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t… I don’t want to go back there though, If I could I wouldn’t go back at all but that’s a bad idea for everyone. Once I walk into that house I don’t know when I’m going to see you again. I made a deal with him to keep everyone else safer,” I said looking closely at him to gage his response.

  
The light in his eyes darkened slightly that light that I so loved, that I lived for that I longed to see when I thought of him. That light that told me he loved me no matter what that I mattered to him more than anything else, “What do you mean you made a deal?” He asked me quietly rubbing my collar bone through my shirt.

  
“While mum’s gone I…,” I paused shaking my head trying to push the shame back down that just saying the words was allowing to surfer, “I’ll share a bed with him.”

  
“No!” Pat said his eyes going wide with worry shaking his head, “You want to start drinking again? You want an excuse to want to kill yourself? What on earth were you thinking?”

  
“About my kids,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I couldn’t let him, I can’t let him do things to them ok? I just can’t if that means that I have to be his toy for a while I can do that until my mum gets home.”

  
“John I thought you worked on that with your therapist in Montana you can’t be a hero because if you are everyone else’s hero you don’t take care of yourself,” Pat said grabbing my hands and squeezing them.

  
“Hopefully it won’t be that long,” I said.

  
“Do you even know where he took her?” He asked me.

  
“No, he said a psychiatric hospital,” I answered, “I don’t know where and for all I know when she comes back which I’m hoping will be soon she’ll be so pumped full of drugs it won’t matter that she’s back.”

  
“Can you deal with that? Helping Will take care of 9 kids and your mom on top of it?” He asked me.

  
“I have to deal with it, I do take anti-depressants and anti-anxieties for flashbacks, maybe I’ll just take extra,” I answered.

  
“That’s just as bad as drinking you know, right?” Pat asked me.

  
“How to you think I’m going to get through this? I asked him if it could just be him and he basically said no. He said no what am I supposed to do with that? I can’t go back to that without drinking or something anything because I can’t stand the thought of him letting them do that to me again,” I said starting to feel the panic rise in my chest.

  
“Who?” He asked “Who did he say who?”

  
“Your Dad, probably him too I don’t know maybe fucking everyone who wants to,” I said my tongue finding my back molar.

  
Pat sighed and then smiled sadly making me sit up and face him, “You still have your nervous tick. Oh, my Rabbit, my wonderful handsome Rabbit. If I could I would take you in my bedroom and I’d make you forget about all of them if you wanted me to you know that right?”

  
“I know,” I leaned in and kissed him pulling away before he wrapped his arms around me. Pulling away before I got too stuck in his smell, the feel of his hands on my body, too stuck in wanting him, “I have to go I think.”

  
“Try and see me later?” He asked me standing up and walking to the back door.

  
“I’ll call you I don’t know when I’ll be able to come by again so…,” I answered.

“Ok call me tonight though I want to hear from you to know you’re ok,” He said as he opened the sliding back door and stepped back inside the house.

  
I stood there for a minute staring and then managed to pull it together and then started walking back towards home. When I walked into the back door he was sitting there at the table.

  
“Decided to leave?” He asked me.

  
“I needed some air I went for a walk,” I answered.

  
“You scared me baby,” He said coming towards me as I instinctively backed up, “I just got you back I don’t need you scaring me ok?”

  
“I-I’m sorry Da I didn’t mean anything by it,” I said.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head closing the distance between us, “Do you need a shower? Because I know you didn’t shower before you left the house, I know because that would have woken me up.”

  
He grabbed my hips like I hated pressing tight against me. I just wanted him to let me go. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him to want this.

  
“It’s ok baby, I just want to shower with you before work all right?” He said burying his face into my neck kissing me there gently.

  
“Da,” I whimpered.

  
“It’s ok baby. I love you I just want to make you feel good,” He said pulling my shirt up caressing my lower torso, “Come upstairs with me ok?”

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe like everything in my body was struggling with this but I knew if I didn’t go upstairs he was going to threaten someone and I couldn’t even stand to hear him say it. So, I nodded my head as he stepped away from me, his hand hovering over my back as I started walking up the stairs. I could feel him following me his eyes watching me as I took each step I almost felt like I could see him the way he saw me as an object something fun. Some of his past words echoing through my brain how I was play and mum was work. We got up to the bedroom and I went and sat down at the foot of the bed. I felt numb because I knew the things he was about to do to me. That it didn’t matter where we were it was all going to be the same.  
“I’m going to start the shower ok?” He asked me and Nodded my head numbly, “Get undressed and come in ok?” He said kissing my forehead.

  
I waited until I heard him turn the knob for the water and then I took off my dirty clothes. I could feel my body shaking as I walked into the bathroom. When I got in there he shut the door behind me making me jump. When I turned around he was naked already ready to do whatever he was going to do. He grabbed me his hands resting on the small of my back burying his face in my neck again nipping lightly but still being rough as he backed us into the shower.

  
I gasped, “I can-can’t breathe.”

  
“Baby just relax if you can talk you’re breathing,” He muttered grabbing my ass and massaging it one of his fingers sliding along my butt crack.

  
“Please,” I begged, “Da please.”

  
“Shhh, baby you’re all right you just have to get used to me again ok? Just calm down, I’m going to go nice and slow so it feels good for you too ok? God, you look so nervous,” He said kissing my forehead, “All you need to do is lean forward ok? Use the wall to support us and I’ll do everything else, I have the Vaseline right here ok? Just lean forward.” He said grabbing my wrist lightly from behind leaning me forward pushing my hands against the wall, “Ok spread your legs, just a little bit more.” He whispered kissing the back of my neck forcing my legs a little farther apart.

  
He took his hands and made sure I was lubricated and then probably did the same to himself and then I felt him slide in making me tense, “No no push out don’t clench in, you’ll hurt yourself you do that and I don’t want to hurt you ok baby?” He said massing my shoulders, “Just relax.”

  
He grabbed my hips and pushed forward moaning making me feel sick to my stomach and I squeaked a little bit before I bit into my arm to keep myself silent. I didn’t fight him. It was safer not to, to fight back or say no was to risk someone else having to deal with it, risk injury which would prevent me from helping Will take care of everyone else while mum was away. It wasn’t worth it.

  
He pulled out and I thought he was done but then I felt something warm and wet penetrate me making me move and try to pull away but he had me tight around the waist. He wouldn’t let me go. I had no choice but to lean forward again and let him keep doing it let his tongue explore me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe I wanted him off of me. I wanted him to let me go. I bit into my arm again and closed my eyes trying to keep myself from screaming as I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. He flipped me around and started giving me a blow job and at that point I couldn’t take it anymore.

  
“Da please,” I begged, “Da I need you to…” My eyes went wide and before I could stop myself I moaned a little which gave him some sort of encouragement making him go harder. He did that until I climaxed and then broke away.

  
“You’re so amazing baby, god I don’t even want to go upstairs to the office, you want to come with me? Upstairs I mean, I can try to get more of those heavenly sounds out of you,” He said shoving his tongue in my mouth forcing me hard back against the tiled wall. I pushed on his chest trying to get him to let me go and he grabbed my arms pushing them flat against the wall beside my head as he broke the kiss, “Relax ok? Just relax hey? Did you bite yourself?”

  
“What?” I asked confused as he gently took my arm in his hand looking at the mark my teeth had left, “It looks like you bite yourself to keep quiet. Did you?” He asked me, “You don’t have to be quiet you know? I like hearing you it lets me know you’re enjoying yourself.”

  
“But I’m not,” I said not able to look him in the eye because I didn’t want to see the anger there.

  
“No, that’s just what your brain is telling you because society as trained you that you’re not supposed to want it but you do. Your whole body tells me you do,” he said watching me, “Your head will get past it, it just takes time to get all of that junk out of your head then you’ll really enjoy it ok baby? I’m going to soap up and rinse off and then leave you to do the same and then you can take some time to yourself ok? I’ll see you upstairs around 11 for lunch all, right?” He said grabbing the loofa and soaping up then rinsing himself off and then climbing out.

  
I waited until he was gone and then allowed myself to sink to the bottom of the shower and sit there. I sat there for the longest time letting the watch run over me until it was cold and then I stood up and finished showering. I felt sick and tired and beyond dirty. I was angry at myself for letting him hear that. For giving him a response. I wanted to bundle myself up in as many clothes as I could and then lie down in my bed and die but I had other things to do so I dried myself and wrapped the towel around my waist leaving the bathroom and the bedroom and walked to the elevator to go upstairs. I felt him staring at me before he even said anything.

  
“Hey Johnny,” Uncle Ben said causing me to turn around.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly.

  
“Want to see something cool?” He asked me.

  
“Can I get some clothes first?” I asked.

  
“Well, I was hoping to spend some personal time with you,” Uncle Ben said.

  
I shook my head, “You know how long it takes to scrub Vaseline out of your asshole? No.”

  
“Yes, I do actually and I guess that means you want me to go get James maybe? He is a sweet little piece,” He said making me shiver.

  
“I really, please,” I said.

  
“Oh, come on all you have to do is lay there, it’ll be fun see how many times I can get you to cum,” Ben teased.

  
I didn’t know what to do. He had given me a threat that I knew he would carry out the moment he had the chance and there was no way Will and I could keep James safe on our own. I didn’t know what to do. I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to do that I had just showered and gotten Da off of me and now I had to deal with him. I felt like I couldn’t take it.

  
“I just showered,” I said.

  
“So just means you’re clean for me,” He said coming up to me making me back up against the wall behind me, “You want me to wait for James? Come on Johnny it will be fun, I really do have something to show you too.”

  
“Ok,” I said shrugging my shoulders. I stuffed all of my feelings down trying to make myself numb as I walked across the hallway towards him and he moved aside so I could enter his bedroom. I hadn’t ever been in his bedroom.

  
The walls were painted gray and his bed clothes were black. One picture hanging above the head board of the New York Skyline. The city I was born in. It reminded me almost of a gothic guest room for a person with a dark soul. He did have a calendar hanging on one wall of firefighters naked and it was slightly unsettling.

  
“Come here,” He said cupping my shoulder as he used his foot to swing the door shut behind him.

  
He looked at me closely first caressing my face and neck with his hands and then shoving his tongue in my mouth knocking the breath out of me. I kissed back reminding myself why I was doing this why it was important I do this. For my little brother so he didn’t have to. So, he didn’t have to feel the cold icy fire traveling under his skin as Uncle Ben’s hands grabbed and pinched at places they shouldn’t. So, he didn’t have to wish for death when Uncle Ben’s mouth started trailing its way down his tiny stomach and into places it shouldn’t be. So, he didn’t have to hate himself when his body started responding the way it was programmed to respond because he couldn’t control any of it.

  
He pulled the towel from my waist and threw it on the floor as he pushed me backward and I landed on the bed. He didn’t waste any time licking a trail all the way down my chest and stomach, forcing his body between my legs so he could get the angle he wanted. He started doing what he wanted to as I started shuddering the pressure building.

  
“Ok,” I said putting my hand on his shoulder letting him know that was enough that I was done even though I hadn’t climaxed but he was sucking too hard, licking too much doing so many things wrong to the point where they didn’t feel good. Instead of pulling away he deep throated me causing me to whimper audibly which only seemed to excite him more, “I can’t, I can’t… stop you need to sto…” I faltered my words getting caught in my throat as I started to climax. When he had gotten what he wanted he looked at me smiling.

  
“That’s good for now,” He said looking at me closely, “I might want some time with you later though, should I show you the video now?” he asked.

  
I nodded my head numbly. I don’t know why I knew the video probably wasn’t anything good or anything that I really wanted to see but I felt sick my whole-body tingling. He reached over a grabbed a remote from his nightstand and the TV turned on. It was the basement, it appeared empty but after a minute someone started hanging a swing from the ceiling. I knew what video this was. I didn’t want to watch this.

  
“Why are you showing me this?” I asked him.

  
“Because it’s hot, you should want to see it you are amazing in this video,” He said as I appeared on the video and Da or Hank started strapping me into the swing.

  
I couldn’t watch this. I didn’t want to see this, “I don’t want to see this. I know what happened I was there.”

  
“You know how much money this video has made you? You should ask your Da about why he brought you back. Leo wants to take you on vacation to Thailand just you and him. Your Da hasn’t said yes to him but he hasn’t said no either. That look on your face is priceless,” Ben said starting to laugh.

  
“I can’t do that,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t do that.”

  
“You might not have a choice Johnny. He’ll have a bunch of fun with you,” He said, “You can go now if you want I guess. You don’t seem to be having fun so leave.”

  
I grabbed my towel and numbly went back to the elevator pressing the button. The lift opened and I went upstairs and started walking down the hall to my room where I was going to climb into the shower and clean myself off again when I heard someone behind me.

  
“Are you ok?” James asked.

  
I didn’t want him to see me like this, all shaky and scared and fragile. I didn’t turn around to address him, “Yeah I’m all right bud, just going to go take a shower and get dressed ok? Go find Will, get some food.”

  
“You’re wearing a towel and your hair is damp doesn’t that mean you just showered?” He asked me being a very observant seven-year-old like most seven-year olds are.

  
“That one didn’t work the way it should have,” I answered as simply as I could, “Go get some breakfast.”

  
“They’re hurting you, aren’t they?” He asked me making me freeze, “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. Mum said we shouldn’t ask you questions when we moved that they hurt you a lot because you were trying to keep us safe. Is this going to be exactly like it was before? Like that?”

  
“I-I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “Mum’s not here right now so Will and I have to take care of you guys.”

  
“Yeah, I know Da took her away because he doesn’t want her around to keep us safe anymore, he wants to get rid of her,” James answered me, “I’m not stupid you know?”

  
“I don’t think you’re stupid ok James? I don’t think any of you are stupid I just can’t let them hurt you,” I answered, “I can’t bear to watch them hurt you.”

  
“You mean like they hurt you?” James asked me and I could feel the scowl he was giving me, “You mean like Da grabbed you and kissed you at dinner last night?”

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Are they going to hurt me like that? Like what that guy did? That mean guy who did all those things and made me feel really weird and sore in my butt because I don’t want to do that again,” James said I could hear his voice shaking.

  
“Not if I can help it,” I said turning around, “Listen Bud I am going to do everything I can to keep them away from you ok? Trust me I don’t want them to ever hurt you like that again and I will do everything I can to make sure they don’t. Can I go shower and get dressed?”

  
“Yeah,” He answered and I turned and started walking away again, “Why does he hate mum?”

  
“He doesn’t,” I answered.

  
“But Da used to only kiss mum like that sometimes and now he’s kissing you like that,” James said causing my anxiety to sky rocket.

  
I still felt beyond ashamed about that. At the time, it was better than having him do what he told me he was going to do if I didn’t allow him to kiss me. I felt beyond sick and I knew I was shaking. I wanted to scream at my little brother. Scream at him that it was wrong that Da was wrong that Da was evil and he wanted to make sure he had reasons to make me let him do the things he did.

  
“I’m going to go shower now,” I said trying to keep my voice calm and walking away.

  
I didn’t bother to check and see if he was ok. Because I did it for him. I let Da do that to me in front of them so they didn’t have to see worse things. So, they didn’t have to see what I let him do to me behind closed doors to keep him from doing it to them. I turned on the water as hot as I could get it and climbed in letting it flush my skin red as I started to scrub. I wanted to hurt myself I wanted to swallow bottles and bottles of pills and alcohol I wanted to be able to take something that would put me to sleep and make it so I never woke up. If I had any choice in the matter I would have but without me they had no one looking out for them because I knew I couldn’t leave Will in charge.

  
I heard the bathroom door open without knocking and then a heavy sigh, “James is totally confused he thinks you’re mad at him.”

  
“I’m not mad at him I’m mad at this,” I answered, “You know what Da is doing to me right? Well on my way up here to get dressed guess who stopped me and said if I didn’t just lay there they would come after him, after James to get what they wanted? I can’t see my friends, I can’t sleep in my own bed, I can’t have my mum, I can’t even be upset about it because guess what there are 10 other people that I have to take care of and I have to bend over every time one of them says fucking bend over in order to keep their hands off of everyone else.”

  
“Don’t think you’re alone in this. He doesn’t mean anything by asking questions. He’s confused because he’s seven he doesn’t understand that what you did, that kiss was to keep him safe. To keep them safe he thinks it’s because you wanted to. He doesn’t get it he’s too young ok? Which is probably why Da is doing it in the first place so he can brain wash them into accepting it. Like he has always tried to do. It’s our job, mine and yours to make sure they understand that anything he does is not normal and is not ok you understand me?” Will said.

  
“How do I do this? He wants me to meet him downstairs so he can…,” I sighed, “I already want to cut my skin off and I don’t see any way out of this.”

  
“I don’t think there is a way out of this,” Will said, “Not without mum. We just have to make sure they understand that he’s not a good person that what he does is wrong. That’s all we can do.”

  
“He didn’t used to always be like this,” I said thinking about it, “When we were little for a while he seemed almost normal. Sometimes I think it’s my fault,” I said.

  
“How would this be your fault the fact that he’s a nasty person? Will asked.

  
“I don’t know I just feel like it is. I mean he didn’t used to be nearly this bad when we were younger and then I got older and things just got different,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You mean we started growing up? John it’s normal to grow up I know he’s gotten more handsy with you, me too but it’s not our faults ok? You’re supposed to grow up we’re supposed to grow up,” Will said.

  
“Not like this. Pat said it would get better as we got older but it’s only getting worse, the way he…it’s just worse Will it’s a lot worse and we’ve only been back like two days. I just keep thinking about last time how he didn’t let me wear clothes so he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I can’t do that again I’ll die. I will I’ll kill myself I can’t be his fuck toy I can’t do it,” I said.

  
“You are doing it and you’re doing the best you can,” He said.

  
“And it’s not good enough ok? I feel like beyond gross and you know what they’re going to eventually do? Make all of us, do it? Probably to each other too and I can’t… Because you know he hasn’t forgotten what we said.” I mentioned.

  
“I know,” Will said swallowing, “I’m not looking forward to it. Do you think he’ll tape it?”

  
I shook my head, “I don’t know. I can tell you I don’t want to do it.”

  
“Well I didn’t think you did, just saying,” Will said rolling his eyes.

  
“Yeah at least we know we’re not like Da because of that fact because Da seems to have no problem with fucking someone he’s related to,” I said smiling slightly.

  
“Dude, our lives are so sad we have to joke about that,” Will said shaking his head, “So what are your plans for today?”

  
“Probably hide somewhere hoping that I can avoid being found for a lunch quickie,” I answered.

  
“Sounds like fun my plan is diapers and probably Tella Tubbies,” Will said.

  
“Sounds thrilling,” I replied turning the water off as Will handed me my towel through the curtain, “Thanks.”

  
“No problem I mean I don’t want to see you naked,” Will said as I opened the shower curtain and stepped out.

  
“Well then you better leave so I can get dressed,” I said as he walked to my bedroom door and left.

  
I got dressed and once I was dressed I headed to the upstairs kitchen and grabbed a pop tart and then helped Will get everyone else fed. James was staring at me while I poured the milk onto his cereal.

  
“You ok bud?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, I think so,” He said.

  
“Something on your mind?” I asked him.

  
“Why’d you let him, do it?” Mike asked.

  
“What?” I asked confused turning to Mike.

  
“Kiss you like that?” He asked.

  
I sighed and paused wondering how to best answer without being graphic and inappropriate, “He said if I didn’t he would do worse things to me that you shouldn’t have to see. I’m sorry you had to see that. I want you guys to understand that kissing someone like that isn’t right especially your Da ok? Once we are all older and we love that person in a romantic way then it’s ok but until then you shouldn’t kiss people like that ok?”

  
“Worse things like what Uncle Ben does to us?” Mike asked.

  
“Yes,” I answered simply.

  
“Da does still do that stuff to you?” Catty asked me, “Touches you where he’s not supposed to.”

  
“Catherine, you need to not ask people that,” Will said handing her a cup of orange juice, “You know Da touches you like that so can we all just assume he does it to everyone here and leave it at that?”

  
“Sorry,” Catty answered.

  
“It’s ok Cat,” I said, “I understand why you are asking but you really shouldn’t ask ok?”

  
“Ok,” She said. She didn’t seem upset but everyone went quiet.

  
After everyone was done eating I started cleaning up while Will moved everyone to the living room to watch a movie before lunch and possible afternoon naps. It was around ten in the morning and I was beyond tired since I had been up since around 5 if I had slept at all which I don’t’ remember doing. Will came back in after he had everyone set up and had pushed play on the VCR. He started washing dishes.

  
“Just dry,” He said as I looked at him as he took a wet plate from my hand, “So on a more interesting less depressing note have you seen or talked to him yet?”

  
“Yeah, I snuck out the morning and saw him for a little while,” I said nodding my head.

  
“So how did that go?” Will asked.

  
“He told me he has a contract so anything that might happen has to wait until March when the contract between him and the guy he signed it with is up. We have to be extra careful no messing around. He said he was sorry for kissing me after he did it I might add,” I answered.

  
“Ouch,” Will said, “At least you know he’s still very interested, are you?”

  
“Am I interested in him? Yeah I kind of never really got over him,” I replied.

  
“What about Heather?” Will asked.

  
“Heather and I never nearly went as far as Pat and I did, like we got pretty far,” I said.

  
“Woah, wait are you telling me you’ve had sex? Like sex sex,” Will asked stopping mid-plate and staring at me.

  
“No, we’ve kind of been over this, haven’t we? Not sex sex, just like fooled around,” I answered, “Heather was normal though she was the most we ever did was kiss.”

  
“But you more than kissed Pat?” Will asked me still staring at me open mouthed.

  
“No all we did really was kiss too, just the places we kissed each other wasn’t always the lips,” I said trying to sound causal shrugging my shoulder even though I was blushing.

  
“Holy shit,” Will said shaking his head, “So what was it like?”

  
“Not cold and shaky surprisingly, it was more warm and soft and smooth. It was nice,” I answered.

  
“So, different from them?” He asked meaning Da and his friends and Uncle Ben.

  
“A whole different world,” I answered.

  
“That’s actually good to know,” He said starting to giggle.

  
“Don’t,” I answered.

  
“Don’t what?” Will asked, “Laugh, I’m laughing because I relieved I’ve always wondered if it felt the same because you know… it’s,” his face fell becoming serious, “Worrisome I guess.”

  
I nodded my head, “It is yeah. I get nervous every time but it’s, it never feels like it does when it’s them.”

  
“Good,” Will said nodding his head, “Good.”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Do you ever feel like a freak because you know it’s going to be hard to get past them? Get past what they’ve done, what they do?”

  
“No, because they didn’t do it because of anything I did they did it and keep doing it because they want to. It’s not my fault but I don’t have to let them determine the rest of my life,” Will answered me, “Don’t let them determine yours.”

  
Will handed me the last dish so I could dry it and walked away.I dried the dish and put it away. I wasn’t in the mood to watch TV but I also wasn’t really in the mood to sleep even if I could have so I sat in the other living room with a book.

  
I thought about what will had said. My little brother being so wise for his lack of years. He was right I shouldn’t let them determine my life if I wanted to be normal I could fight for normal maybe I wouldn’t ever be that but I could strive for it. I could fight for some sort of normal if I could hold on and wait until my chance, until I had a moment to breathe but until then it was just a second by second life. Any second they weren’t with me was a good one and any second I had to deal with them I just had to hold my breath until they left me again.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has thrown himself into the fire hoping to shield his siblings as best he can, to protect them as much as he can while he himself tries to adjust to the sudden change of being home again. Of being with Da again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 26 to 43. **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, anxiety, mental health issues, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Comment if you like it, tell me what you think is going to happen next. Tell me you wish Connor was dead because boy oh boy...however if I killed him (hmmm? Is that a hint of things to come I wonder...) it would be a lot less fun. If you find any spelling mistakes let me know.

I can’t even remember what book it was but after a while the intercom buzzed but I got up and hit the call button before he could even say a word, “I’m coming don’t worry about it.”

  
I took the lift down to the third floor walking the hallway to the home office I could feel my whole body was tense because I didn’t want to do this but I didn’t see a way out of it I reached my hand out to knock on the door but he opened it before I had a chance to knock, “Come in,” He said smiling at me sending a shiver through my body. I didn’t want this.

  
“I wanted some extra protein for lunch is that ok with you?” He asked me grabbing my fore arm and dragging me forward into the room so he could shut the door behind me, “Come on sit in my chair.” He said gesturing to it as his hands slid around my waist pinning me close to his body and cupping my ass with his hands. He spun us around so he could force me to sit down and I did so the seat feeling weird and warm, the leather soft under my body the chair’s size making me feel small and weak.  
He got down on his knees in front of me and started undoing my pants making me freeze my brain feeling fuzzy as he started pushing my pants past my hips and then down my thighs. He was going to blow me I knew he was going to blow me and I knew there was nothing I could really do to stop it from happening so I gripped the arms of the chair as hard as I could as he started doing what he wanted making my breath come in sharp little gasps as the pressure and heat started building and I tried to ignore the feeling that was flooding my body. Just as I was getting close to giving him what he wanted the phone rang causing him to sigh into my pelvis heavily and stop to answer the phone.

  
“Hello? Yeah, no, no it’s fine patch him through I was just on my lunch break,” He said before pressing the button for speaker phone and putting the receiver back, “Hello Mr. Lord, you called? How are you?

  
“Hello Connor, I’m emailing over the budget proposal for advertising I need you to take a look at it and tell me what you think. I’m actually doing very well here but planning on heading down to the Villa for a slight vacation before things pick up in September. How are things for you I heard you got your children back?” He asked from his office in New York.

  
“Yes, actually I did I’m getting reacquainted with my oldest over lunch right now,” He answer starting to Jack me off.

  
“Really? Well, I’ll make the call quick then, how does he look? Has he hit your age yet?” Mr. Lord asked confusing me as my eyes started to roll.

  
“Pretty close he’s really matured you should see him, but I guess if you’re coming down you can soon enough. He’s really hardened up,” My Da answered him, “He’s…god,” My Da muttered as I started to leak precum, “Are you going to say anything to Mr. Lord baby?” He asked catching me off guard.

  
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know if I could find my actual voice the conversation making me feel sick to my stomach. So, I wasn’t out growing my Da’s attractions I was growing into them. Fucking awesome.

  
“He can hear me?” Mr. Lord asked.

 

“Yeah I figured it wouldn’t be bad you want to talk to him while I have some protein?” My Da asked him.

  
He laughed loudly, “Sure go ahead, So John how are you doing?” Mr. Lord asked me as I felt the warmness engulf my penis.

  
“H—hi I—I—I I’m fffine,” I answered.

  
“Your Dad’s having fun huh?” He asked me, “Why don’t you let him know how good it feels? I wouldn’t mind hearing.”

  
“I—I’m oook,” I stammered, “I—oh shit,” I said before I could help myself my eyes going wide as I tried to keep breathing.

  
“Feels good huh?” Mr. Lord said and I could hear the excitement in his voice, “You can make noise you know? We like to know we’re pleasing you, making you feel good. I wouldn’t mind making you feel good myself because you are a sweet boy.”

  
I squeezed my eyes closed trying to fight it trying to fight what my body was feeling because I didn’t want this to happen. Especially while the leader was on the phone listening probably listening to my breathing become labored just waiting for me to let a sound escape from me, a sound to let him know what was happening when I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on. I wasn’t doing this because I wanted to I was doing this because it was me or one of my brothers and I wasn’t going to let him touch them. Or just as bad, one of my little sisters.

  
“I… oh fuck,” I said as I felt like I was starting to climax my whole body shaking as my Da took me out of his mouth and started jacking me off biting gently at my balls tipping me over the edge forcing a moan from me as I climaxed.

  
“Now that is a good sound,” Mr. Lord said, “I’m pleased that sounds so nice. I wish I was there to help.”

  
My Da licked me clean before he spoke, “You would enjoy it. He’s a little older than your favorites but he’s nice and he’s matured in a lot of ways,” My Da said trying to be coy about the fact he was referring to my genitals.

  
He sat up retracting the arms of his office chair and sitting on my lap my pants still down grinding against me, making me shudder. I wanted to be done with this, this whole thing but he started kissing on my neck rubbing my shoulders. Making me start to shake as I tried to keep breathing because I knew it wasn’t over.

  
“You want to really hear him let go sir? I can make him I just have to find the right spot. Rimming and g-spot stimulation seems to really get him going,” My Da said making me avert my gaze as I felt my cheeks starting to go red.

  
“Oh, he’s one of those huh? I’d love to hear it if you want to stay on the phone,” The Leader said from the other end of the line.

  
“Fun, come on baby, up on the desk,” He said getting up so I could move to sit on the desk in front of his chair.

  
I shook my head. He had already done one of the worst things he could do to me now he wanted to do the rest of them. Was he kidding me. I felt my eyes widen in horror and I shook my head. I didn’t want that done at all let alone with someone else listening on the phone listening to hear the sounds I made when I couldn’t keep myself quiet anymore.

  
“Come on baby it’ll be fun,” He said gesturing at his desk again the side of it that didn’t have a monitor on it.

  
That’s when I noticed it was a new desk and L shaped one with one side open and free of paper and clutter while the other side held the monitor and some paper work. I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to do this I remembered the last time someone had given me really concentrated g-spot attention how I had completely frozen up unable to do anything but lay there and hope it was over. How Pat had ended up doing the same thing when they did it to him in the bed on the other side of the room. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of that moment. It kept replaying in my head how it felt like my whole body was being torn apart when they did that how my brain at screamed at me for betraying myself.

  
“Please,” I barely whispered the lump in my throat growing making it feel like it was hard to swallow. How was I supposed to explain to him how bad it made me feel?

  
“Oh, come on baby don’t be shy, I can make it feel really good, hit all the right spots go nice and slow,” He said coming over to me, “He’s kind of freezing up on me a little bit here what should I do?”

  
“Do what you usually do just make him do it, he’ll like it once you start you know he will,” The Leader answered him as he grabbed me by the shoulders forcing me towards the desk trying to get me to sit down.

  
“NO! NO! I WON’T T DO THAT NO!” I screamed fighting against him, straining against him my hands clawing at his arms as he grabbed me hard pushing me backwards onto the desk, “DA NO! NO STOP! NO! I’M TELLING YOU NO PLEASE NO!” I kept screaming while he pushed me hard onto the desk top using his body to pin me to it stomach down.

  
He grabbed something and I felt the coldness of whatever he was planning to use as lube up against my asshole on his fingers. I didn’t want this I didn’t want this I felt dizzy from screaming at him telling him to stop that I didn’t want it. I couldn’t fight him anymore on it as he slid his fingers into me taking a minute to get inside me his fingers moving in that motion that made me quiet almost instantly because I knew if I didn’t go completely silent I would give them what they wanted. as his fingers worked their way around feeling for that spot a horrible tingle started spreading through my body an ice-cold tickling sensation going from the tips of my toes into the very ends of every strand of hair making my eyes go wide as I gripped the side of the desk hard enough the edge starting cutting into the palm of my hand.

  
“That’s the spot, isn’t it?” He asked feeling my body tense to the point where I couldn’t stop myself from visibly shaking, “There you go baby just let it happen let me make you feel good.”

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I knew I was breathing, I wanted to die because I knew I was giving him everything he wanted and there was no way I could stop it. my head starting to swim as I could hear the pounding of my heart in my ears and his words of encouragement started to sound farther and farther away. almost like we were under water every move he made feeling like it was in slow motion sending the ice-cold sparks through my body.

  
I’d like to say I don’t remember making the noises they kept prompting me for. I’d like to lie and say I don’t remember the way the Leader egged him on trying to get him to draw every bit of sound out of me he could but the truth is I do. I remember how the leader told him to go faster and then waited to hear what I sounded like and told him to go deeper or slower until he finally told him to penetrate me and he did. He told him to just move his hips and not pull out and he listened pushing me to a point of humiliation I didn’t know I could reach making me repeatedly orgasm before he stopped getting up and going to the bathroom leaving me unable to move breathless on top of his desk.

  
“You’re such a good boy Johnathan,” Mr. Lord said as my Da left the room, “I can’t wait to see you when I take my vacation we’ll have some fun all right? I have to go I’m running late for a meeting with the accountant, take good care of your dad for me. Have a good afternoon,” He said hanging up his end of the phone the dial tone starting to buzz.

  
I felt numb and queasy my legs feeling like wet noodles just laying there. I wanted to cry but I was too tired, too broken and used to really do anything at all. I knew if I tried to get up I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own for more than a second if I was lucky. I knew I was beyond tired and I was about to pass out and surly would do so if my Da came back and wanted to keep going but no matter scared I was of that I just didn’t have the energy in me to move my whole body still tingling in that icy cold static. When he came back he was smiling his pants back in place like nothing had happened.

  
“I thought you would have walked away,” He said to me looking at me closely.

  
I remember turning to look at him but not speaking. I didn’t think what I had to say mattered because it seemed like it was either disregarded or outright ignored with him anyway so why even try to speak? I sighed looking at the wall for a second before my eyes started to fall closed in spite of my best efforts.

  
“Tired? Its ok baby let me take you to bed,” He said putting an arm under my knees and the other under my upper back picking me up and carrying me off to the guest room next door like I was his bride he was about to deflower for the first time. However instead of raping me again he laid me gently on the bed pulling the covers carefully off the side beside me and then sliding them out from under me, “Just take a nap relax. I’ll go check on the kids later ok baby? I love you,” He said kissing my forehead before he quietly retreated shutting the door behind him.

  
I woke up hours late my skin still tingling my whole body still beyond tired. My whole being beyond tired. All I could think was that was three times in one day and I probably had at least one more to go. I couldn’t deal with this I couldn’t deal with another round while my body still felt him his skin against mine, him inside me. I sighed heavily and rolled off the bed finding my clothes and throwing them on so I could go upstairs and shower again. I couldn’t stop myself from crying thinking about what had happened. How he had let someone listen to it on the phone how it didn’t matter that I had begged him not to that he did it anyway. That he had already started whoring me out again in away and I had only been home for two days.  
I knew I was crying but I didn’t care. I knew that I couldn’t keep this up but didn’t want to say it out loud because that made it true. Admitting that I wanted to kill myself made it that much more likely it would happen and I knew that wasn’t a choice I had. I used to lift and got back upstairs but didn’t stop to talk to anyone walking straight to my room and shutting the door then going into the bathroom and shutting that door turning on the water again as hot as I could manage it before I stepped in. I sat down in the bottom of the tub letting the hot water run over my skin letting it wash the filth away and down the drain. It was quiet for a while just me in the bathroom in the shower the hot water running down on me, me hoping it would rinse my life away until I heard someone knock on the door.

  
“Who is it?” I asked loudly wiping at my eyes quickly because I knew I had been crying since I climbed into the shower.

  
“It’s just me,” Will answered quietly opening the door, “This is your 2nd shower today.”

  
“3rd,” I corrected him, “Why does it matter?”

  
“Because it’s not normal, are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“No but neither is getting raped everyday let alone 3 times in one day maybe even four,” I answered, “No I’m very far from ok why are you asking?”

  
“Because you don’t usually shower 3 times in one day and you’re not usually this angry when I walk in to ask you something while you’re in the shower,” He answered me.

  
“I’m just tired ok? You don’t know what he did,” I answered rolling my eyes even though Will couldn’t see me and I was very aware of that fact. I wasn’t tired I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but I couldn’t. That man listening to me, telling my Da what to do to me, it had been too much it had made me so angry.

  
“What did he do?” Will asked me gently. I could tell he wasn’t asking me to be mean but because he thought I need to get it off my chest that maybe telling someone would help me feel better about it but, nothing would. If I felt I had any choice at that moment I would have swallowed all the pills I could find everything just seemed so pointless, hopeless like I didn’t matter, anything I wanted, felt or needed didn’t matter that I was just their toy to be used and laughed at and have its button pushed to make it do whatever they wanted.

  
“He let the leader listen and then give him directions while he…,” I trailed off not wanting to talk about it.

  
“I’m sorry,” He said after a few minutes of silence, “How are you feeling?”

  
“Like I can’t do this anymore,” I answered, “Like nothing I do is going to make a difference like none of this is really worth it.”

  
“Do you want to hurt yourself?” Mike asked me calmly.

  
“I don’t know, I don’t want to feel them on me anymore though. I want them to leave me alone and let me just breathe,” I answered honestly, “I want to just be able to breathe.”

  
“Ok,” Will answered, “I have to go take care of somethings but can James sit in here and play with his G.I Joe’s while I do that because I can’t keep an eye on everyone and you said Uncle Ben was threatening him so if you could keep a close eye or ear on him it would really help me out.”

  
“Yeah, send him in,” I agreed. At the time, it didn’t occur to me that he was sending James in to baby sit me but after I got older that hit me and it happened more often someone would come in and sit on the toilet while someone else showered or would make an excuse up so they had to sit with one of the younger kids so they wouldn’t have the chance to hurt themselves. It kept us safe when we needed it.

  
“Ok, I’ll go get him,” He said leaving quickly shutting the door behind him. I was only alone for a few minutes when I heard the door crack back open.

  
“Will said I should be with you so I’m going to sit here and play with my G.I Joe and Tim,” James said to me.

  
“Ok bud just stay on that side of the curtain all right?” I told him.

  
“Yeah that’s fine with me I don’t want to see you naked, you are naked in, there right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“You’ve taken a lot of showers today,” He said casually, “Why so many?”

  
“Because I feel gross,” I answered.

  
“Because of Da and Uncle Ben?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Can we not talk about this right now?” I asked him feeling sick to my stomach hearing my voice shake.

  
“I’m sorry they are so mean to you,” James said quietly, “I wish they weren’t.”

  
“Thank you bud that means a lot to me,” I said trying to hide the fact I was crying.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah just really really tired,” I answered him, “I know you understand it. I realize you understand and you shouldn’t but I just really I’m really tired bud.”

  
“When are you friends going to come over again?” He asked suddenly.

  
“What friends?” I asked confused.

  
“Your friends that used to come over and play with us because when they came over I could play video games because Mike and Matt would let me when your friends aren’t here they don’t let me play video games with them and I want to play video games so can they come over soon?” James asked me.

  
“I don’t know we’ll see,” I answered before I turned off the water and stuck my hand out grabbing my towel and drying off and wrapping it around my waist before I pulled the curtain open.

  
“Your eyes are red,” James said simply looking up at me from the floor, “When is mum coming home?”

  
“I don’t know bud,” I answered going into my room and grabbing some clothes, “Can you stay in there while I get dressed?” I asked pausing at the door before I closed it.

  
“Yeah sure,” He said not even looking up from his toys as he went back to mumbling to himself.

  
I grabbed something comfy because my body still felt sore after being pushed on and pounded against a hard cold desk. My ass actually still felt a little sore which wasn’t usual after sleeping and it made me feel slightly worried that something was wrong but I didn’t seem to be bleeding. It was probably just from being anally raped twice in one day which while I was used to being abused I wasn’t use to that happening hours apart and it actually didn’t happen as often as people would think it did.  
When I was done getting dressed I opened the bathroom door to still find him sitting there with his G.I joes and mumbling to himself happily. He looked up at me and smiled, “Will said him and Mikey were making grilled cheese for dinner, I love grilled cheese.” He said.

  
“Well I just hope Will does most of the cooking because Mikey might burn the house down,” I said making James laugh.

  
“I don’t think he will,” He said to me, “he’s not bad at cooking he’s just not good at it.”

  
“Yeah well, he’s young like you he’ll learn just do me a favor and keep the fire extinguisher handy ok?” I said to him as he got up and started walking away.

  
“Ok,” He answered me, “Are you going to nap?” He asked me.

  
“Probably I’m really tired,” I answered him.

  
“Yeah, I know you look really tired,” He said hugging me a G.I Joe in each hand, “Have a good nap I love you.”

  
“I love you too bud, go play ok? I’ll call my friends and see if they can come over that way you can play some video games,” I promised.

  
When he skipped out of the room I closed the door quietly behind him. I was beyond tired I allowed myself to fall onto my bed and didn’t bother to pull the covers around me before I closed my eyes and started to drift off. I remember having a weird dream. In the dream, I was at the Villa but instead of being tied to a table I was tied to a chandelier and hoisted into the air before they stabbed me in the stomach exposing my guts and allowing them to drop down to the floor as they started to spin the chandelier and laugh at me while I screamed out. I woke up with a start. I’m not sure if it was the dream or if it was the knock on my door but when I opened my eyes Matt was standing in my door way staring at me.  
“Yeah?” I asked sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

  
“Dinner is ready,” He said and then continued to stare at me. I felt he had a question to ask me but I didn’t want to hear it so I sighed heavily hoping he would go away but he continued to look at me.

  
“What?” I finally asked him.

  
“Does it feel good?” He asked me making my raise my eye brows. I knew what he was talking about I wasn’t going to pretend I didn’t. Did it feel good? Physically sometimes yes but that just made it worse like a million times worse.  
“No,” I lied as he scanned my face looking to see if I was telling the truth. I wanted to slide my tongue over my back molar which always let everyone know I was upset but I had learned from being away that they watched me for it my brothers because they knew what it meant that I was telling a lie or I was upset so I did my best to not do keeping my mouth closed swallowing slightly.

  
“Really? Because it feels good to me sometimes,” He said causing my eyes to go wide.

  
I was shocked that he would admit that to me. We all knew that it probably felt the same more or less for each of us but to say it was almost like admitting you liked it even though that’s not really what it meant at all that’s what it felt like it meant. To say it was shameful to say it was to admit that maybe you were to blame for it happening. To say it was to take ownership of it.

  
“Don’t say that,” I said looking at him, “You shouldn’t say that.”

  
“Why not? It’s true sometimes it feels really nice,” He insisted, “In the one video the sounds you made, made it sound like you liked it.”

  
I felt my face flush red, “You’ll understand when you’re older, go play.”

  
“But…,” I cut off his words feeling angry and afraid.

  
“I said go play.”

  
He shrugged his shoulders and smiled slightly walking away leaving me there completely beyond confused. I didn’t know what they were doing to him at the time only that they were probably doing something to him. I still didn’t quite understand how their brain washing was working on him and not on anyone else but I didn’t really think about it too much.

  
I just knew my brother was disturbed and it was going to be hard for me to treat him like I treated the others if he kept asking me questions like that. I sighed getting up and walking to the kitchen my whole lower half making sure I heard the complaint loud and clear as I got up and wobbled slightly on my unsteady legs that still felt half dead no matter how much I seemed to sleep. When I got there, everyone was sitting around the table each paper plate had a grilled cheese sandwich on it while there was another paper plate in the middle with 3 or 4 extra sandwiches resting there. Everyone was eating with the exception of Matt and I Matt having already eaten and gone off to the living room back to his video games.  
“Hey,” Will said smiling at me as I sat down in the empty chair with the grill cheese on a plate in front of it, “Are you ok?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “Yeah fine,” I answered plainly taking a bite of my sandwich, “You hack him yet? Find out anything?”

  
“No, haven’t had the chance he’s been in the office all day. I can try later if you want me to but…,” Will was saying but I interrupted him.

  
“Uncle Ben is here no leaving the floor after dark even you ok?” I said and he nodded his head letting me know he understood, “Because Da will be busy but he won’t be and I don’t need that in my head too all right?”

  
“So, you are going to then?” Will asked me and I knew what he was referring to.

  
He was asking me if I was going to sleep with him. Share a bed with him let him do whatever he wanted to me. I nodded my head. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have however it was a truth that I should probably admit to so I did. Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach but it was all I felt I was good for keeping everyone else safe for making sure his hands or my uncles didn’t touch anyone else. Didn’t make anyone else hate themselves in the same way I hated myself.

  
“You shouldn’t,” He said.

  
“Are you going to?” I asked him.

  
“To what?” Catty asked confused because she was young and only half following the conversation.

  
“Nothing,” I answered simply taking another bite of my sandwich.

  
“I don’t think you should. I think you should stay here and we’ll all deal with the consequences,” Will said.

  
“Nope,” I said shaking my head, “My problem ok? I’ll deal with what happens after.”

  
“You know how well that’s probably going to go? You’re going to have problems like you did last time. You know he’s not going to stop, you know he’s just going to keep going until it’s other people Until you’re on that balcony again staring down thinking of jumping. You know that’s what’s going to happen,” Will stated as his face contorted in worry.

  
“I’ll deal with it when it happens ok? If it keeps you guys safe, I’ll deal with it. I’m not letting them hurt you any of you,” I said.

  
“So, what you’re going to let them continue to hurt you? You know how crazy that is? You know how insane and stupid this sounds right now?” Mum took us away for a reason John and we’re all sitting here so let’s talk about it let’s talk about what got us here,” Will said.

  
“Well, John did, didn’t he?” Matt stated causing us all to stop and stare at him, “What? We all know it’s true Da wouldn’t let him go if his life depended on it. Mum even said so in therapy once. Da loves John more than he loves mum she said it herself she knows. We could all be free if when mum gets back we just leave him here.”

  
I folded my arms across my chest shivering. It was true we all knew it was probably true and no one was willing to talk about it or admit it besides apparently, Matt. I mean how many times had my Da told me he loved me? That I felt good that he wanted me that I was fun while my mum was work? How many times had he actually passed up being with someone else to be with me? That was the only reason he listened to me and allowed me to have the leeway he gave me was because he did love me not like he should not like a father should love a son but he loved me even if it was just the fact he loved having sex with me. I didn’t know what to say. I was sitting there and I didn’t know what to say to my eight-year-old brother just say, yeah, you’re right? Da has the hots for me and you could all be free if I just stayed here he would have never come looking for us?

  
“MATT THAT WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!” Will shouted banging his fist on the table causing everyone to jump, “I’m not leaving him you know how much he does for us? You know how many times he has literally given himself up so that it wasn’t one of us? What is wrong with you Matt? Seriously he does everything he can to protect you and you talk about leaving him behind if we ever run again? If that ever happens for all we know Da has hired people to scramble mums brain so we’ll never run again.”  
“It’s the truth,” Matt said quietly.

  
“We wouldn’t leave him, would we?” Catty asked worried, “I love John I don’t want to be somewhere without him,” She said her voice trembling a little bit.

  
James was sat across from me and his eyes went wide as he sat there listening and pointed at the hallway. Will turned and his face went pasty. I knew he was there the question was how much had he heard?

  
“No one is going anywhere ever again,” Da said behind me making me cringe. His voice was like nails on chalkboard to me most of the time now. Putting me into a state of caution. I felt sick as he walked closer each of his steps echoing off the floor and through my ears. I stayed frozen as he placed his hands on my shoulders. Will eyed me carefully looking watching me for signs of how I was going to react. I sat motionless until he moved his eyes a certain way as if to ask if I ok which I responded to by barely shaking my head.

  
“I love all of you but yes, John is my oldest and that makes him special to me,” He said, “When your mum gets back her head will be on a little straighter she’ll come to accept this is the way things are and we’ll be happy again. All of us together ok?”  
“Yes Da,” Mike said getting up and clearing his plate.

  
“Come on baby,” He said kissing the top of my head meaning he wanted me to leave with him.

  
I swallowed and got up taking my plate to the sink. I knew better than to fight him to fight him could mean he would rape me right in front of them or at least threaten it. I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want any of it to happen to be honest. I never did.

  
“Hey Will? Can you make sure everyone is in bed by 8:30?” I asked and Will nodded his head slowly looking at me, “I have some stuff I have to take care of downstairs. I’ll see everyone later ok?” I looked at everyone else and they all nodded at me slowly besides Matt who just stared at me a sour look on his face but I got up and walked to the lift anyway.

  
He pushed the button and type in a code. His own code a new code. I knew he had one because I hadn’t been stupid enough to think he didn’t. It was his house. The moment the door shut his hands were on me on the small of my back under my shirt sending shivers up my spine. I felt sick to my stomach as he buried his face in my neck biting at my skin there, nudging me hard. His hands feeling like draggers stabbing at my skin.

  
“Ok,” I said pushing at him lightly, trying to push him away, “OK!” I shouted making him stop and look at me.

  
“What what’s wrong?” He asked me.

  
“I’m just tired,” I said, “It’s I’m really tired Da can we not please?”

  
“You just need to get used to it again baby ok? It’s not a big deal really. I’ll make you feel good. I know I was a little rough earlier I just got caught up in the moment you can understand, that right?” He said caressing my face as the door opened onto the second floor, “You just need to relax ok? Remember our deal you stay with me at night and I won’t touch them, right?”

  
“Right,” I said nodding my head as we stepped out of the elevator he grabbed my hand and I let him as he led me to the bedroom.

I knew I was supposed to it. Get undressed but I felt frozen inside half dead knowing what he was about to do again.  
I stood there as he lifted my shirt over my head and undid my pants letting them fall around my ankles. He half pulled me half pushed me out of them and towards the bed forcing me to lay down as he got on top of me, kissing me his tongue gliding across my tongue as I shuddered his hands going under the waist band of my boxers sliding them down my hips as he broke our kiss gasping and he smiled at me.

  
“I love you, you know that right baby?” He said breathlessly his hand stroking my stomach.

  
I nodded my head. I closed my eyes as he started to kiss up and down my body using his legs to kick my underwear down and off my legs as I laid there. I tried to pretend that it wasn’t him that it was someone else as his kisses started trailing lower and lower until I couldn’t take it anymore and I sat up scooting away from him slightly.

  
“Don’t be like that,” He said sighing pulling his own shirt up over his head making me feel even more exposed more scrawny and vulnerable looking at his bare chest, the hair there the defined abs the muscular biceps and arms. I felt like a little kid a whimpy little kid looking at him watching me closely. He reached out and touched my cheek making me flinch I felt like I was going to cry. I couldn’t do this again not today.

  
“Da,” I whispered as he underdressed himself the rest of the way, “Please I’m just tired.”

  
“Well, you can do it or I can go upstairs and get someone else, all you have to do is lay there ok? I’ll be gentle it won’t be like earlier I promise it’s just me and you right now. All I want to do is make you feel good,” He tried to reassure me.

  
He rolled me onto my side spooning with me. I instantly was reminded of my branding ceremony where one of them had blown me while the other did things to me as I laid on my side. I tried to get up and he wrapped his arms around me hushing me like a person does a baby as I tried to struggle. He held me until I stopped fighting him on it. His weight shifted and I felt him ready me and push his way in slowly causing my mouth to open and my eyes to go wide.

  
“That’s it baby just relax,” He cooed into my ear rubbing my shoulder with his one hand as the other stayed on my hip starting his movement.

  
It was slow like he had promised a slow progression of in and out making me jump and my insides flood with that cold fire that always crept from the groin up into my spine and out into my limbs reaching every cell in my body. Before I could stop myself, I made a noise as he pushed against my insides nudging my prostate lightly.

  
“Feels good huh?” He said kissing the back of my neck gently.

  
I felt like I was suffocating. All I could really hear was my heart pounding in my ears again. Yeah it felt good. He knew it felt good, I knew it felt good but that didn’t mean I wanted it. That didn’t mean it didn’t make me feel sick to my stomach and make me want to scream. He reached around and started rubbing me making my air catch in my throat. I didn’t like the way he was making me feel. The way he was trying so hard to confuse me I wanted him to stop. I felt myself hitting climax the slight tingle starting to build under my skin to an explosive level. Before I could stop it, I reached orgasm coming all over his hand and my stomach as he reached his peak inside of me making me feel obviously sticky his cum spilling over and down my ass cheeks slightly as he pulled out.

  
“God you’re amazing,” He moaned kissing the back of my neck as he wiped his hand on the sheet in front of me, “That felt good, didn’t it?” He asked me and I swallowed nodding numbly, “Good I’m glad you always feel beyond good you feel heavenly every time baby.” He said hugging me tightly around the waist pulling the covers up over us and the reaching over top of me to turn out the light, “Let’s sleep huh?” He said kissing my cheek as he settled in behind me.

  
I laid there because he had a hold of me and because I knew he wouldn’t want me to get up. He wanted me to lay there with him feel him against my back, his skin on my skin. I felt like screaming but I knew I couldn’t. I knew getting up would stir him and I didn’t want to disturb him because as long as he was tired and drifting towards sleep he wasn’t forcing me to do things. I tried to be as quiet as possible, lay there silently as he curled around me like a snake around a mouse.

  
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up to the sensation of wetness engulfing my most intimate parts my eyes snapping open as I gasped. When I did I signaled that I was awake and he grabbed my one wrist hard signaling for me to be still.

  
I started crying my body felt so raw, so tired and sick. I felt beyond able to deal with this before I could stop myself I started hyperventilating, “Daddy please,” I begged covering my eyes so he wouldn’t see me crying. He didn’t stop, he started sucking harder working to get me to climax faster. When he was done he looked at me as he swallowed and wiped his hand across his mouth.

  
“How do you always taste so good?” He asked me, “You haven’t called me Daddy in a long time.”

  
“Sorry,” I said a panic caught in my chest.

  
“No, it’s ok baby I don’t mind it. You want to tell me what’s on your mind?” He asked me wrapping his arms around my waist his face still level with my crotch making me try to squirm away.

  
“Da,” I said swallowing hard looking at him grabbing his forearms trying to loosen his grip.

  
“That again? You want me to go get someone else?” He asked me kissing the top of my pelvis right above my penis making me squirm harder.

  
“I just need a break,” I said desperately.

  
“Ok,” He sighed getting up, “I’ll go spend some time with Will.”

  
“No, Da please don’t,” I begged.

  
“Then stop asking for a break. I’m hardly doing anything to you all you have to do is lay there I’m not making you work for it I’m not shoving my dick down your throat I’m not tying you down, you’re fine,” He insisted glaring at me from where he was laying.

  
“I just want my body back,” I said.

  
“How many times do we have to go over this baby? It’s my body not yours and I’ll do whatever I want with it ok?” He said shifting his weight, climbing on top of me, “I love the way you taste, smell, feel, you are so amazing baby you don’t know you have no idea how much I love you how special you are.” His hands started rubbing my collar bone down my chest rubbing not softly to comfort but hard like he was trying to restrain himself keep himself from hurting me.

  
I knew he was getting mad at me because I kept telling him I wanted a break that I needed him to let me breathe and he didn’t feel he was doing anything wrong. I didn’t know what to do. As he moved so he was beside me his hands running over my body still. As he forced me onto my stomach.

  
I thought he was going to rape me I was ready for that what I wasn’t ready for was his tongue dragging its way down my spine making me gasps in surprise and fear or his tongue burying itself into me as I tried to push myself up off the bed despite the fact he was laying on my legs pinning me down tightly. Making my eyes go wide every time his tongue dug into me. I couldn’t catch my breath every single one light and huffy as I tried to pass air into myself my whole body shaking. My skin felt like a million bugs were on it crawling all over me lighting up every cell in my body as he did what he wanted to me and I bit into the pillow I was hugging tightly against my face to keep myself from screaming.

  
I didn’t want him to touch me like this anymore I wanted to be nothing so he couldn’t ever grab me again so I didn’t have to feel his nails digging into my hips or his tongue against my skin. I bit back any sounds that might escape as he decided he was done with that and flipped me over his hands wandering my chest and stomach as he buried his face in my crotch deep throating me causing me to choke on the pillow I still had shoved in my mouth. He brought me to climax and sighed happily when he was finished and then sadly.

  
“So, that’s why you were so quiet,” He said, “You were holding back on me, biting into the pillow? Why would you stop those beautiful sounds huh baby?” He asked me kissing my cheek making me twitch.

  
He sighed looking at me, “Ok, all right,” He said softly, “I’m going to go shower and then I have to go upstairs to work. You can hang out here if you want. I’d like it if you did but if you want to see your brothers and sisters it’s no big deal ok baby? I love you.”

  
I nodded my head as he got up and went to the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach. I needed something to stop my skin from crawling. I grabbed my clothes and threw them on taking the lift upstairs to shower. It was still dark outside everyone was still asleep I was pretty sure until I heard movement in the nursery. I opened the door fast thinking it was Uncle Ben but instead found Matt there staring down at Andrew. Even in the dark I knew that look in his eyes. I knew and yet I didn’t know what to do.  
“Matt, leave Andy alone he’s sleeping,” I said barely more than a whisper.

  
Matt was only nine. However, I could feel the heat coming off of him, the stance he had as he stared down at our baby brother in his toddler bed. He wanted to touch him, to make him squirm under his angry hands just like Da did to us just like Uncle Ben did to us. It made me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Knowing my little brother was capable of thinking that way.

  
“I’m just watching him,” Matt said quietly, “I’m not going to wake him.”

  
“Matt, you don’t need to be in here,” I insisted, “You need to leave.”

  
“Why? I’m not hurting anyone,” He answer finally turning to look at me.

  
“But you want to,” I confronted him. I could feel the anger in my body he wasn’t going to touch him not ever. I didn’t care how screwed up things had been for Matt that didn’t give him an excuse to do things to anyone else.

  
“It doesn’t always hurt,” Matt said looking at me, “You know it doesn’t always hurt.”

  
“No Matt it does always hurt, you might not think it does but it does,” I said.

  
“He just did it, didn’t he?” Matt asked looking at me his eyes frozen pools void of emotion.

  
“What makes you think I would tell you even if it had? You’re not normal. You’re still my brother I still love you but I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You need help they’ve brain washed you. And until you get that help you will stay away from the babies ok?” I said looking at him seriously.

  
“Did it feel good? Da says you always act like it feels good,” Matt said looking at me that look still on his face.

  
“Leave,” I said pointing to the door.

  
“It did, didn’t it? You constantly lie to us because you want him to yourself,” He accused me, “You like it you know you like it. There’s nothing wrong with him or Uncle Ben there’s something wrong with you.” He hissed at me before he walked out leaving me standing there in the dark shaking.

  
I felt sick to my stomach what was I supposed to do about this? They had brain washed him so completely he thought I was the bad guy that I was the one who was lying to him. How was I supposed to protect everyone from him as well as Da and Uncle Ben? I didn’t know what to do.

  
I sat down in the rocking chair and allowed myself to rock back and forth in it thinking. I couldn’t come up with any solution. I must have fallen asleep at some point because my eyes opened when Mary started crying the sun feeling like an assault to my eyes. I was still tired I had a headache and I felt like a part of my soul had rotted away after looking in Matt’s eyes and seeing nothing. I had failed him.

  
I had failed him so completely he would never be normal and I knew it. I didn’t know what to do to help him anymore just that I had to try and make him see things normally understand things normally. I had to treat him like he was special needs try to make him feel the same way about things that everyone else did. I sighed.

  
I got up and changed Mary’s diaper and then changed Seamus and Mac. I then helped Laura and Andrew use the bathroom and started dressing infants and as I was finishing the last one putting the dress over Mary’s head Will came in.

  
“You ok?” He asked me.

  
“Matt’s crazy,” I answered.

  
“You caught that?” He asked me.

  
“What do you mean caught that? I looked at him last night and there was nothing there almost like he has no soul. What the fuck happened? What did I let happen?” I asked more myself then Will.

  
“Nothing, you didn’t let anything happen he’s being raised by two monsters and a woman who doesn’t know how to stop them and a boy who is beyond tired and too busy trying not to go crazy himself,” Will answered me, “All we can do it keep trying to make him see it, keep trying to make him normal. He’s only nine we can’t give up on him yet.” Will said looking at me.

  
“Can I tell you something?” I asked him as I put Mary on the floor everyone that was able to walk and understand us being out of the room already.

  
“Yeah, you can tell me anything,” Will said, “What’s up?”

  
“He scares me,” I admitted, “Matt scares the hell out of me I came in here early and he was watching Andy sleep and he had that look on his face, you know THAT look. I told him to leave and he started asking me questions saying I’m the liar that I’m the one that’s wrong and Da and Uncle Ben aren’t crazy.”

  
“We can’t give up on him, he’s only nine, I’ll keep an eye on him a close eye ok? I’ll talk to him again about asking you questions. He doesn’t get it,” Will pressed.

  
“No, he gets it, he understands what saying that stuff does to me he likes to watch me squirm when he does it, he’s sadistic,” I said.

  
“I’ll talk to him again,” Will assured me, “We can fix this, at least make him pretend to be normal yeah?”

  
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this without mum,” I said shaking my head.

  
“We have to,” Will said, “We have to because if we don’t we’re letting him and whatever nanny he hires be in charge which is either going to be some asshole who grooms them worse than he’s managed to brain wash Matty or some stupid girl who is in such major denial it doesn’t matter what we say, like Karen.”

  
I snorted at the mention of the name, “Karen thought Pat and I were having sex.”

  
“Yeah, I remember that fight, she also thought you were lying about Hank so she wasn’t the best judge of character.”

  
I shivered just hearing the name. I knew he was in my future somewhere and I didn’t like thinking about him about all the things he had done to me and all the things he would do again once he had the chance. I wanted someone to talk to and I had no one. I couldn’t tell my brother about my fears because if I did it would only freak him out more, make him more worried about the state of my mental health so I had no one. I desperately wanted Pat. Only Pat.

  
“You ok?” He asked me and I shook my head blinking aggressively trying to clear the tears from my eyes.

  
“Yeah, just tired,” I said smiling sadly.

  
He sighed crossing his arms in front of him he knew I was lying. I knew that he knew but I spoke before he could say anything.

  
“There’s not use in talking about it ok? There’s nothing I can do to make it not happen. They’re all going to come back at some point. I might as well just accept it,” I said.

  
“Accept it how?” He asked me, “What do you mean accept it?”

  
“Accept that they’re going to rape me and use me until I can’t…until I kill myself or I’m dead,” I answered.

  
“You think Da would let them kill you?” He asked me.

  
“No, he’d just make me beg for them to do it and then laugh,” I answered, “He’s not nice enough to actually let them kill me. He’d rather drive me insane first.”

  
“Drive you insane how?” He asked.

  
“You know how many times I had to…yesterday? Five my body is killing me I can’t take another day like yesterday,” I said.

  
Will stared at me wide eyed shocked, “Five times?” He asked and I nodded my head, “Oh no John, no. Whatever you deal you have made with him, it’s off.”

  
“No Will, it can’t be if I even hint at a no lately he threatens to come to you, I’m not putting that on you I’m not letting myself do that to you you got it? No, absolutely not,” I said shaking my head forcefully.

  
“You wouldn’t be doing anything to me you would be saving yourself,” Will said, “I can take it I’ll be all right don’t worry about me.”

  
“No, you can’t take it I can’t take it how do you expect yourself to take it? I barely made it through yesterday without swallowing a handful of pills,” I said.

  
“And yet you won’t let anyone help you? You know how crazy that is? You know what Pat would say if he were here?” Will hissed at me.

  
“Yeah well Pat’s busy with his own problems,” I said thinking of him. Thinking about him hurt. How I couldn’t be with him, how I couldn’t even really talk to him.

  
Just then I felt a cold shudder go down my back as I heard the lift roaring to life. He was coming I knew he was coming. I didn’t want to be in the nursery I didn’t want to put anyone else in danger I put Mary in the play pen and did the same quickly with Mac, “Grab Seamus, put him in the play pin and shut the door, no one else is awake yet besides Andy and Laura, right?” I asked hurried.

  
“James and Matt are awake,” Will said watching the reaction on my face, “He won’t hurt James and he won’t hurt Andy with James there I can bring them in here though.”

  
“I’m going to go meet him at the elevator,” I said, “Maybe he’ll just take me where ever he wants and it’ll be quick,” I said my voice getting caught in my throat as I my eyes got wet, “Fuck.” I muttered closing my eyes tightly as I rubbed Mac’s head my tongue finding my molar and running across and I shook my head as I felt a tear drip down my cheek.

  
Before he could protest I left the nursery and walked to the lift and when it opened I was standing there and so was he.

  
He smiled at me happily, “Hey baby,” He said licking his lower lip, “I have managed to get the day off work, I have a friend that wants to say hi. Come on,” He said grabbing me gently by the neck giving me no choice but to come into the elevator with him. I didn’t know what friend he was talking about and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. When the elevator opened on the second floor I felt like my heart was going to beat its way out of my chest because I knew it was probably only one of two people maybe both of them.

  
“Will you tell me who it is?” I asked feeling my whole body shaking.

  
“No, it’s a surprise he’s very excited to see you though,” He said grabbing me roughly by the arm and dragging me from the elevator towards the back stairs into the kitchen. Down to see my surprise guest.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets a vistior from who is a very bad blast from the past and ends up in a great deal of pain giving Da time to do other things around the house. Will conviences John he needs to see Pat and talk to him, needs to do something before he explodes so Pat ends up coming over so he can help John adjust to being back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 44-67 warnings:RAPE/NON-Con right up front,double penetration, physical violence, underage kissing, underage touching consensual, angst, mental health issues long chapter I fee like but, you know it is what it is. Leave comments, let me know if you find any spelling mistakes. I like comments.

When he forced me to turn the corner I saw who it was. He was sitting at the kitchen table in a suit and tie. Dylan was nowhere to be found but it was him. Worse than Hank the guy who I had sworn once was going to kill me or kidnap me and never let me come home.

  
I turned and looked at my Da and he hugged me tightly burying his head in my neck, “You even think of saying any of those words and I will bring Will down hear faster than you can utter them you understand me?” he hissed in my ear as he started undoing my pants.

  
I couldn’t speak because the first thing I thought to do was beg. I couldn’t handle him again even though I could already feel his hands on my skin as he stared at me smiling. I felt like this was some sick trick that my Da wanted me to say no or don’t or stop he wanted me to beg for him not to let Leo touch me so he could get Will down here so he could touch Will but I wouldn’t.

  
I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to my brother. He lifted my shirt over my head as I stood there still as a statue besides the shaking I couldn’t control as he bent down removing my boxers leaving me standing there naked in front of Leo.

  
“He’s hardened up,” Leo said addressing my Da and not me.

  
“I know, right?” My Da said smiling pulling me forward by the arm out of the pile of my clothes as I used my free hand to hide myself, “You said you wanted him. You still want him?”

  
“Oh yeah,” Leo said starting to come towards me.

  
I looked at my Da not able to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks but I refused to make a sound because I knew that’s exactly what they wanted from me. They wanted me to make any sound at all a scream, a sob, a moan, a plea anything I refused to even shake my head because I knew that would give my Da what he wanted so he could go get one of my brothers.

  
Leo wrapped his arms around my naked shoulders hugging me to his body, “You’re ok beautiful,” He muttered his hands roaming from my shoulders down my back, “It’s ok, I just missed you huh? We’re going to make a video together just for us all right?” Leo said into my ear the words tickling against my skin.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that was when Leo started nibbling on my collar bone. I tried to use his chest to push away from him put some space between us but he held tight not giving me air not letting me breathe. I started hyperventilating my breath sounding like hiccups as his hands moved to the small of my back and my waist and my Da just stood there and watched, watched this guy molest me, put his hands on me.

  
After a few minutes my Da sighed exasperated, “You have nothing to say? Not one word?” He asked seeming completely pissed off as Leo’s hands started massaging my ass cheeks.

  
“Can I do him on the counter?” Leo asked lifting me slightly so he was holding me up by the butt in his arms.

  
“No, downstairs in case the kids come down,” My Da sighed looking at Leo.

  
“You want to double?” Leo asked me and My Da turned and smiled shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Sure, why not?” He said coming over and up behind me as Leo still held me tight to him licking my shoulder lightly making me shiver.

  
I don’t remember how they got me downstairs but I know I didn’t fight it because fighting at that point was pointless. I didn’t want to be alone with Leo but I didn’t want the pain of double penetration either and I wasn’t going to give my Da what he wanted I wasn’t going to let him hear me beg and plead for them to not do it.

  
At that point I remember mostly the biting, the sucking their mouths and hands on my skin as I tried everything in my power to stay silent Leo going down on me almost forcing a sound from me. My Da grabbed me from behind as Leo sucked me while he was on his knees and I felt his fingers find their way up inside of me causing me to gasp.

  
“There you are, and I thought you had maybe died a little there’s my baby huh?” He whispered biting into the back of my neck lightly sucking there. As Leo stopped and they moved me to the bed. I remember burning as they both pushed inside me one on top of me and one underneath. I remember them moaning as I screamed out finally letting them hear me finally not able to hold back so I just gave them what they wanted. They both came in me at the same time and I could feel blood running down my legs. After that I think I blacked out but I don’t remember. I don’t remember how many times they raped me after that how many sounds I made I don’t remember much of anything for a while.

  
At some point they finished with me but I couldn’t tell you when. Only that Da handed me my clothes and I was in pain. I wanted to die and I felt like my insides were ripped apart. I thought I had laid there only for hours when I finally had enough strength to grab my clothes and pull them on and make it upstairs. When I got to the kitchen Da was there drinking a cup of coffee the sun barely up.

  
“Hi baby, you finally wake up?” He asked me the sound of his voice forcing me to impulsively take a couple steps back.

  
“What did you do?” I asked him.

  
“Oh, we made a fun video with you,” He said licking his lips, “He thinks you’re beyond amazing too. We had a lot of fun all those sounds you made.”

  
“How long was I downstairs?” I asked quietly knowing that if the answer was bad things had happened. Very Bad things.

  
“Long enough for me to hire a nanny for the kids and get reacquainted with your brother. It was fun,” He said looking at me, “He’s not as good as you are but he’s not bad.”

  
“So, our deal is off then?” I asked bringing my hand close to my mouth not wanting him to see my worry if he bothered to look at me.

  
“I didn’t say that, it was just because I thought you needed a break. I prefer you if that makes you feel better,” He said still not looking at me.

  
“Why him?” I asked referring to the fact that he had let Leo back into my life. Leo one of the people I hated most one of the people who had hurt me worse than anyone else. He got off on my crying my screaming and not in a way that most of the other guys did. My screaming didn’t just make him happy it excited him in a way I couldn’t explain especially when I begged him to stop. Hank enjoyed my screams too but hated it when I spoke and just preferred the sounds of my pure terror not like Leo. Leo enjoyed it all even the other sounds I made the small gasps and moans that sometimes escaped from me.

  
“He likes you, he really likes you he wants to pay good money to contract you,” Da answered simply finally giving me a lazy half gaze which made me tighten my long-sleeved shirt around myself.

  
“Are you going to let him?” I asked my voice shaking in spite of my best efforts. I was afraid of Leo, Da smiled at me. He knew I was afraid of Leo.

  
“You want to make a new deal?” He asked me, “I keep you and Leo stays away instead of protecting them? Does that seem fair.”

  
My eyes widened in surprise before I could stop myself. Did he think I would actually go for that? After everything that had happened last night did he really think that I would toss my brothers to him and Ben to hurt? I opened my mouth to say something but thought better of it and shook my head.

  
“Ok, well I’m sure you want to go upstairs and shower spend some time with the kids. I’ll see you for lunch ok?” He said.

  
I sighed heavily running a hand through my hair. Was he serious? I didn’t want to do that., “Really?” I asked timidly wondering why he couldn’t give me more time. More time that I needed because I was still sore and tired. I felt utterly broken and I could feel all the bruises they have left on my body all the places they had touched could still feel their hands.

  
“Yes, really I haven’t had you in two days. I want you ok baby? Unless you want me to go play with someone else for lunch come to my office when I ask ok?” He said pouring another cup from the pot of coffee before he put in his creamer and put the creamer in the fridge he looked at me and smiled, “Wait to use the lift because well, I don’t want to waste my coffee. You’re hard to not touch you know?” He said before he put his cup down and I heard him mutter something under his breath before he started coming towards me.

  
I shook my head before I couldn’t stop myself backing away until I was against the wall. That didn’t stop him seeing my fear didn’t stop him even for a second he grabbed my forearms lightly causing the bruises there to start stinging as he used his body weight to push me tight against the wall his lips inches from mine. I didn’t want him to kiss me, he had given me over to someone who I could have sworn wanted to kill me. I felt angry.

  
That was the first time I ever hit him. Really hit him. I remember being more terrified then angry and then anger took over. Knowing he didn’t really love me because if he had he wouldn’t have let Leo do the things he did to me. I reached up pushing him as hard as I could which barely made a difference but then my arm wrenched free of his grip and I punched him hard in the chest causing him to stop and look at me. At first I thought he’d be angry right off the bat but instead he backed up and smiled.  
“Hello there,” He said his eyebrows moving in a weird way that caught my attention making me feel confused, “Is it time for restraints already?” he asked cocking his head to the side licking his bottom lip, “You want to fight it I can go get someone else.”  
I shook my head, “I won’t fight,” I answered.

  
“Show me?” He said smiling and I grimaced forcing myself to kiss him forcing my tongue past his lips as I hugged him to me. I tried to remember Dom’s words from last year “control the pace” and I couldn’t he wouldn’t let me. Before I knew it was picking me up bring back to that table that table that I hated so much it made me want to scream as he hands found their way under my shirt and up against my rib cage as he used his body weight to press me so hard against the table my elbows hurt.

  
As one of his hands started trailing its way down my body making its way under the waist band of my pants as we kissed as I made myself sick to my stomach kissing back. He broke the kiss his lips trailing from mine to my cheek and down my Jaw bone to my neck which made me whimper involuntarily. This excited him his hand finally making its way past the waist band of my boxers against the bare skin of my upper pelvis. I used my arms to press at him lightly trying to get him to stop but not fighting him not actively trying to push him away and then I heard someone clear their throat which caused us both to look up.

  
“Aren’t you going to be late for work Connor?” Uncle Ben asked looking at us smiling, “Not that I’m not enjoying the show of course but, you know he hired you for another reason other than your kids, right?”

  
“Yeah, yeah,” My Da sighed climbing off of me and straightening his clothes, “He’s mine don’t touch him.” Da said as he went and grabbed his coffee before heading upstairs to the 3rd floor to his office.

  
My Uncle looked at me making me hug myself. I could tell he was turned on that he wanted to and my Da wasn’t there to stop him. I sat up pulling my shirt back down my torso straightening my clothes as he watched me.

  
“You’re not going to...?” I trailed off barely able to breath.

  
“No, he said I couldn’t doesn’t mean I can’t think about it for a couple minutes. He’d be able to smell me on you if I did,” He sighed adjusting the front of his pants, “That and from what I understand he might be contracting you soon so… you’ll be plenty used.”

  
“I’m going to go now,” I said standing up slowly.

  
“You’re shaking. You really that scared of me?” He asked me smiling.

  
“Just tired,” I answered trying to shrug off his comments.

  
“Leo?” He asked making me cringe which made him laugh, “He is fun I’ll admit that. Your Da and him are cut from the same cloth that’s for sure. They are good, though aren’t they? I always thought your Da was good the way he could make those tingles spread under my skin whenever Da made him touch me. God how it hurt so good. Those little chills going up and down my spine as he found all the right places.”

  
My eyes went Wide in surprise. They never talked about grandpa, never. I knew what he had done to them that he had made them this way but they hardly ever talked about him.

  
“He make you do one of them yet?” He asked me.

  
“Who?” I asked confused for only a moment before I shook my head.

  
“He will soon. Don’t doubt it. He’ll teach you and he’ll teach you well,” Ben said smiling at the thought, “You might even find you like being on top for once. Even though if I remember correctly you already found that out with your friend, right? Pat?”  
“Stop,” I said not wanting to think about it. Not wanting to think about the fact that he was a 10-minute walk down the street yet I couldn’t see him no matter how much I wanted to. How dangerous it was for me to want to see him.”

  
“He’s contracted you know? A lot of the guys think it beats being thrown around like a whore. Being kept. I’ve never been one for the practice personally I like tasting all the plates if you catch my drift even though some of them are worth trying out more than once,” He teased.

  
“I’m going to go,” I said starting to walk towards the stairs.

  
“You know I’m just giving you hard time right Johnny?” He asked the cease in the middle of his forehead wrinkling slightly with amusement.

  
“Yeah, I’ve got to go though the kids are probably wondering where I have been,” I said reaching the bottom of the stairs.

  
“Ok, that’s fine, just let me enjoy the view as you go,” He said as I turned and started walking up the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me could feel his hands on me what he wanted them to do to me. I felt so sick to my stomach I only made it up the stairs before I started gagging and had to run to find a bathroom. Between him and Da and Leo I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore I needed a drink and I needed one bad. I managed to get upstairs to my room and into the bathroom without anyone bothering me before I broke down. I grabbed the pair of scissors that I knew was under the bathroom sink and put it against the tight skin on my hip slicing it open just slightly with one swift moments watching the drips blossom from the supple pink sink underneath my upper layer relaxing me knowing when I turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature that the moment I stepped into the steady stream of water it would burn in the right way to make me feel almost normal, almost relaxed.

  
I heard a knock on the door just as I stepped into it and closed the curtain with a light hiss the feeling of the water hitting that open patch of skin surprising me a little because it had been so long, “Come in.” I called through the closed door.  
“Where the fuck have you been?” Will asked me from the other side of the curtain.

  
“Downstairs,” I answer simply starting to scrub at my skin heavily with the loofa.

  
“What do you mean downstairs you mean downstairs downstairs for two fucking days?” He asked.

  
“Leo came by,” I answered.

  
“Fuck, are you ok?” He asked me as I heard the panic in his voice.

  
“No,” I answered simply.

  
“Is there anything I can do?” He asked me, trying to give him a chance to help me.

  
“Yeah can you shoot me? He wants to see me for lunch. He nearly raped me on the kitchen table,” I answered quietly.

  
“I can’t kill you. You want to talk about it?” Will asked me.

  
“Not really, I want to crawl into a hole and fucking die,” I answered and I heard the stutter in my voice.

  
“It’s that bad?” He asked.

  
“YES, WILL LEO IS THAT BAD!” I said louder than I had meant to, “Sorry I just…”

  
“Its ok I understand. More than you think,” Will said, “While you were downstairs Da he… I don’t know how you do it all the time the things he says.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you from that.”

  
“It’s not your fault you were obviously busy,” Will answered me, “You sure that you don’t want to talk about it?”

  
“Yeah Will I’m positive I don’t want to talk about how they both shoved their dicks into me at the same time and how I bled so bad and was in so much pain I didn’t even realize that I was down there for two days until Da told me when he was getting coffee staring at me the way he does.” I answered.

  
“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked me.

  
“Why?” I asked confused for a second.

  
“Well there’s a pair of open scissors in the sink and they have blood on the blade so I’m wondering what exactly you did,” Will answered me, “You need to talk to someone even if it’s not me will you talk to Pat?”

  
“Pat is contracted I’m not supposed to talk to him,” I answered simply, “It’s safer that way.”

  
“Ok Contracting dictates who you fuck it doesn’t dictate who you talk to you realize that right?” Will asked me and I heard the tone in his voice change, “Did you hurt yourself?”

  
“Even if I did why does it matter it’s already done,” I said, “I can’t hurt myself anymore then they hurt me so why does any of it ever matter. I’m just a toy to them it’s not like they care.”

  
“Which is why you should John,” Will said, “I’m calling Pat so you have someone you can talk to.”

  
“Don’t Will I don’t need him worrying about me,” I said, “I’ll be fine I just need a break.”

  
“A break you aren’t going to get you just said so yourself he wants to see you for lunch when do you think he’s going to give you any more of a break then he did the last two days? Come on just let me call him for you, maybe seeing him will make you feel a little less alone,” Will begged me.

  
“Yeah fine,” I sighed relenting.

  
“Ok,” Will said and I could almost feel him nodding through the curtain, “I’ll leave you alone.”

  
When I was done, I found clothes a pair of PJ pants and a t-shirt and a hoody that was about five times too big and climbed into bed. I didn’t want to deal with anyone I didn’t want to deal with myself. I didn’t want to be in my own body having to feel their hands on me knowing that it was going to happen again in a matter of hours. I didn’t want any of this. After about 10 minutes someone knocked on the door, “Yeah?” I asked.

  
The door opened slowly, the sight of him took my breath away from some reason. It didn’t seem real him standing right there. His hair mused lightly his silver lip ring wiggling as he bit his lip his eyes lit up like he was looking at something magical, “Hi Rabbit,” He said quietly shutting the door behind him, “Why didn’t you call?”

  
“I’ve been busy,” I answered quietly looking at him feeling guilty that I hadn’t called, “I figured you were probably busy and you’re not supposed to be near me anyway.”

  
“I didn’t say that, did I?” Pat said sitting down on the edge of my bed, “When I said we couldn’t be together I meant … well you know I didn’t mean we couldn’t hang out. You’re still my best friend, I still love you more than anything.” He said his hand brushing the back of mine.

  
I impulsively grabbed it squeezing back. He felt safe. So, safe I started crying and couldn’t stop myself. Embracing myself. God, I had missed him so fucking much. Missed just being near him even if he wasn’t talking. He reached up and started messaging my shoulders before I threw my arms around him hugging him tightly burying my head in his chest.

  
“It’s ok Rabbit, I’m right here, it’s ok you’re safe right now,” He cooed his hand traveling up and down my back over the top of my clothes the other one running through my hair, “What have they done to you?”

  
“What haven’t they done?” I mumbled into his shirt, smelling him taking his scent in allowing it to calm me down make me less angry, less guarded.

  
“Oh, my poor Rabbit, what am I going to do with you?” He mumbled kissing the top of my head gently, lovingly. Turned my face up towards his and before I could stop myself I was kissing him my tongue exploring his mouth him letting me his hands still repeating the same pattern over top of my hoody going up and down my spine sending comfort through my skin invading every cell of my body making me relax. I felt like I was melting into him like I was truly safe for the moment. He responded to my kiss his one hand entangling itself in my hair.

  
When he pulled away we were both breathless and my hands were under his shirt up against his chest on his rib cage feeling the warm skin under my hands making me feel an urgent calm making me feel the desire to have his skin against my skin. We started at each other his eyes shining and bright as he stared at me his chest heaving with excitement as he smiled at me, “You know we shouldn’t?” He asked the light in his eyes dancing at the thought of misbehaving of disobeying.

  
“Sorry,” I answered quietly, “I know we shouldn’t. I just need to…”

  
“Feel me?” He said cutting off my words nodding his head, “Me too,” He answered kissing me again his hands going under my shirt touching all the places my Da had touched making it so his hands had never placed any pressure there at all and only Pat’s hands, his delicate touches mattered as he slid my shirt over my head breaking the kiss in order for it to make it over my head as I did the same to him. I felt rushed but relaxed not worried for a few moments as he slid on top of me, gently resting me between him and the mattress under us. His left hand entwined with my right above our heads his right on my rib cage between us as he pressed against me lightly. It felt good to have him skin on skin safe, secure unlike them how they made my blood run cold when they touched me, when they even looked at me. After a while we broke our kiss staring at each other knowing we shouldn’t that we couldn’t go any farther as he rested his head on my chest listening to my heart beat.  
“God, I love you so much,” He sighed into my nipple making me laugh slightly as the air tickled.

  
“What?” He asked me lifting his head and smiling at me.

  
“Nothing, I love you too,” I answered running my hand through his hair happy he was there. Happy Will had called him even though the thought of seeing him at the time hurt because I thought I wouldn’t be able to touch him. The thought of other people touching him and me not being able to stop it. I sighed thinking about what I had to do and how hard that was going to be but feeling comfort as Patrick laid there on my chest.

  
“How have you been?” I asked him.

  
“Now that I’m with you I’m amazing,” He answered kissing the skin next to my nipple making me jump out of surprise, “Sorry,” He said smiling against my skin looking up at me.

  
“For real?” I asked and he sighed turning his head to face me looking up at me.

  
“I’m ok. I’ve been better but things haven’t been bad. I’ve had a couple days free. I’ve been worried as fuck about you though knowing you’re back here, trapped here after everything,” He answered honestly, “How about you?”

  
“Well…,” I shifted my weight causing Pat to take his weigh off of me as I rolled down the waist of my jeans for a second. He looked at the mark there his fingers barely touching it his eyes wide in horror.

  
“Did they do that?” He asked quietly as I rolled my jeans back up my hip, “Or did you?”

  
“I had to feel something else besides them. I know you don’t like it I’m sorry but I couldn’t anymore, I’m not sure how I’m going to later either but being with you right now makes it easier to face,” I answered giving him the truth.

  
“If I could I would do it for you,” He said looking at me seriously the light in his eyes dimming just a little bit, “I hate them.”

  
“He made me see Leo,” I said suddenly feeling compelled to talk to him, tell him things I wouldn’t tell anyone else, “They doubled me and then left me there after a while. I think he only let it happen because he wanted me to beg him not to. He wanted me to say no to plead anything, but I didn’t. Not at first. I’m sure I did after a while after they…started blowing me and stuff because lately it seems I can never keep quiet. I know they want me to make noise so I try not to but I can’t not do it anymore and I don’t know why and it’s killing me that I can’t figure it out because it’s not like I like it, it’s not like I want it because I don’t I really don’t and I can’t get them to understand that especially if I can’t keep my stupid mouth shut. I’m so tired of not having control of being trapped of feeling trapped in my body and in this shit life where everything is just so fucking hard but you.”

  
Pat sat up and pulled me into his lap, “Sometimes we can’t help it Rabbit, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean anything it’s ok. Please don’t hurt yourself they catch you hurting yourself they will throw you in someone’s basement and hurt you so bad they will make sure you never hurt yourself again trust me, they’ve done it Dom and Cole they will do it to you too and I can’t stand to watch you go through that.”

  
“They can’t hurt me anymore than they are right now. My whole body is sore I can’t keep doing this I can’t keep letting them do this,” I said hugging him around the waist, “I feel like I can’t breathe I feel like I can’t think.”

  
“They can Rabbit and they will if they catch you hurting yourself trust me,” Pat said with such a serious tone I looked up at him seeing his eyes were wet like he was about to cry, “Please I’m begging you don’t do it again no matter what promise me.”

  
“I can’t,” I answered feeling my own tears starting to surface, “It’s the only way to feel anything but their hands on me their …mouths on me.”

  
“Is there anything I can do you think? To help?” He asked me.

  
“Just this,” I said rubbing the small of his back my head in his lap, there were things I wanted to do so badly just to get the feeling of them off my skin. I wanted to kiss him, to touch him in ways I knew were forbidden and I wanted him to do those same things. To be inside me erasing their touches from my body inside and out but I knew he couldn’t. I knew we couldn’t.

  
“Ok,” He said softly resting his hand on my shoulders, “I’m right here Rabbit I promise.”

  
I don’t know how long I held onto him like that thinking about other things, things I wanted to do to him, things I wanted him to do to me but I felt safe there. I stayed there until I heard the intercom crackle on the wall meaning Da wanted me for lunch. A lunch like the one two days before where he had taken directions from the leader over the phone while he raped me his fingers digging into me pushing against all the places that would make me squirm and moan. When I heard, the com crackle I sat up and reached for my shirt.

  
“He wants me,” I said looking at Pat, “Will you be here when I get back?”

  
“Do you need me to be because if you need me I will be here,” He answered kissing me quickly on the lips.

  
I nodded my head trying to swallow down the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to ask him to stay but I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to cry just thinking of Da’s mouth on me the way he would look at me the things he would say. I hated my Da for it for the way he made me feel. Like I had no control over anything.

  
“I’ll be here then,” He said nodding his head as he hugged me, “Remember I love you ok?” He said as I opened the door and took off down the hallway before I lost my nerve.

  
I went to the lift and hit the button to go down hugging myself tightly waiting for the doors to open. When it did open onto the third floor he wasn’t in his office but in the hallway waiting for me. I felt sick to my stomach looking at him as he beckoned me forward with the wave of his middle finger. I sighed trying to swallow back my fear as I stepped forward out of the lift.

  
“I thought we could use the guest room, I got an hour break today so we can have some good fun,” He said pinning me against the wall hard making me tense. All I could think about was Pat, how he was upstairs waiting for me. Waiting for this to be over so he could comfort me. So, I didn’t have to be afraid or in pain. He grabbed my shirt pulling it roughly over my head before I could protest making me feel exposed, naked. He looked at me licking his bottom lip before he kissed me hard forcing his tongue into my mouth sliding it around tasting the roof of my mouth making me feel sick and twisted inside.

  
He picked me up like a bride and threw me onto the bed in the guest room climbing on top of me his hands wandering up and down my sides like snakes moving across my skin. I pushed on his chest trying to push him away but he grabbed my forearms and squeezed tightly making me whimper under his kiss in response.

  
“Then stop fighting,” He said breaking the kiss giving me a look that could melt stone.

  
I froze. I knew he was going to hurt me if I kept fighting so I laid still staring at him as he moved off of me undoing my pants and pulling them down to my knees. I really didn’t want to do this. Not with Pat upstairs, not with me thinking of how I wanted it to be his hands on my hips his tongue trailing across my skin. I sighed covering my face as my Da took my cock gently in his hands and started rubbing.

  
“God you’re so beautiful,” He muttered before taking me in his mouth making me jump. That cold chill started traveling from my Dick up my spine and out into my limbs.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head trying to stay calm trying to keep myself saying one of the words he never wanted to hear me say no, don’t, or stop unless it was “no don’t stop” he probably would have wanted to hear that, “Ok,” I barely managed to stammer again before my eyes started to roll back into my head as I started to reach that point of no return my mouth falling open as my breathing became heavy and raspy almost moaning. And finally, as I hit orgasm it escaped before I could stop it causing me to clap my hand over my mouth in shame. When he was done he looked up.

  
“Good?” He asked me his hand going to where his mouth had been continuing to do things to me, trying to get me hard again, “Come on you know that felt good.” He said.

  
I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts, “Da…” I mumbled his hand making it hard for me to think.

  
“Come on baby,” He said pulling my pants quickly off the rest of the way and standing up pulling his clothes off excitedly, “I just want to make you feel good.”

  
Before I could stop myself, I said it, I said it and I watched my world go upside down “No.”

  
He jumped on top of me and grabbed my tightly by the throat cutting off my air. I was already bruised and battered from what he had done to me with Leo two days ago, my body couldn’t take any more pain. I clawed at his hand, “You want to say it again?” He hissed at me as I felt his weight crushing my voice box.

  
“I have had enough of you and your disobedience you are going to start behaving yourself or you are going to be in a world of …” His words trailed off as he saw the cut on my hip, “That’s not from us. You did that?” He waited for me to answer as I continued to claw at his hands, “ANSWER ME DID YOU DO THAT?” I managed to nod my head yes.

  
“You did that to my body?” He hissed, “Who gave you permission to do that to my body?” He asked me digging his nails into the cut making me scream, “Yeah that’s what you get you know what you get if you do it again, I am going to have Hank come over and he will whip you so hard you will never think of doing something so stupid again.” He threatened prying my legs apart and reaching his hand into the Vaseline jug on the bed next to me. I knew this was going to hurt. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he was going to make sure nothing good came out of this.

  
He entered me right away not preparing me nearly ripping me making me scream again, “DA PLEASE YOU”RE HURTING ME!” I begged as he pushed into me.

  
“Ok, ok I’m sorry I’ll slow down, I just got mad, let me make it up to you ok?” He said leaning forward pushing as far into me as he could making me whimper as he kissed me, “That’s it.” He said starting to pull out using his pelvis to make the movement. One hand on the back of one of my knees the other on my hip, “That’s it, god you feel so tight.” He moaned making my stomach jump making me feel sick.

  
I wanted his hands off of me, I wanted him to leave me alone. I didn’t want this I wanted to beg but my throat was sore from his squeezing. I hated him and I hated myself I wanted to be gone to be anywhere else anything else but he kept going. He kept going until he climaxed and then his mouth was on me again, his hands sliding over my skin as he settled between my legs wrapping his arms around my thighs in order to keep my legs open so he could lay there comfortably sucking me like a baby nursing making me feel sick. I lost track of time my whole body shuddering more each time I came. My eyes burning as I tried to not cry. An alarm went off making me jump and Da got up grabbing his clothes.

  
“You taste amazing, you’re so perfect baby,” He said kissing my cheek making me shiver, “Stay here for me?”

  
“I-I have to take care of the kids, feed them and stuff,” I answered as he looked at me closely frowning.

  
“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to mess up your neck. It was the only inch of you that wasn’t bruised I swear and now…well now it doesn’t look that great. You going to be ok?” He asked me, “Go upstairs take care of the kids if that will make you happy. I’m really sorry I lost my temper you need to stop telling me no though. And quit hurting my body ok? I love you baby don’t forget that. I love being with you so much even more then I love you mum ok?” He said grabbing me a little forcefully and pulling me forward shoving his tongue back in my mouth before he let me go and got dressed, “I have to go back to work I’ll see you tonight ok?”

  
I nodded my head waiting for him to leave waiting for the door to close behind him. When he was gone, I grabbed my clothes and threw them on throwing up a couple times in the bathroom my body still vibrating with this nervous energy because I could still feel his mouth on my dick licking and sucking doing things I hadn’t wanted him to do. I felt like I wanted my skin off my body like I never wanted anyone to touch me again.

  
I made it to the elevator the lift pulling me back up to the 4th floor to the place that used to be safe. I didn’t bother to announce I was back just ran to my room slamming the bathroom door shut and sitting next to the toilet I started try to sob silently rocking back and forth and shaking. I couldn’t stand the feeling still of his tongue on my skin of his mouth on my skin. I wanted so bad to cut myself to make it so I felt something else anything else. There was a slight knock on the bathroom door making me jump out of my skin.

  
“It’s me,” Pat said quietly from the other side, “Are you ok in there?”

  
“No,” I said not able to keep my sobs silent anymore one ripping free from my throat like the sound of a wounded animal. He opened the door and I could see the concern in his face.

  
“Do you need me to get you anything some water?” He asked crouching so he could see my face as I rocked back and forth and I shook my head in response not able to stop myself from crying stuffing my fist into my mouth to try and silence my half screams half sobs, “Oh no Rabbit please don’t hurt yourself please, he’s done enough of that, please,” Pat begged me sitting down on the floor.

  
Looking back at that memory I didn’t see it before but he was keeping his distance. Giving me space to breathe because he knew I needed it. He knew I could still feel my Da on my skin and knew that touching me without my permission would have been a bad idea. I couldn’t stop myself from screaming and started clawing at myself that’s when he sighed and opened his arms.

  
“Come here please,” He said looking at me hoping I would take the invitation to allow him to comfort me. I nodded my head and crawled over to him crawling into his lap allowing him to wrap his arms around me and rock with me, “I’m so sorry. I’m beyond sorry Rabbit you have no idea.” He whispered into my ear rocking with me back and forth slowly as we sat there on the bathroom floor finding a rhythm that was calming.

  
“Why doesn’t he…?” I asked hiccupping.

  
“I don’t know Rabbit, I wish I had an answer but I don’t know why he doesn’t love you. I wish I knew. I wish I understood why they don’t love us but I can’t, I don’t think either of us will ever understand it but you know I love you right? I love you so much,” He said as I felt wetness hit my shoulder from behind, he was crying with me.

  
I don’t know how long we stayed like that on the floor him wrapped around me like a blanket rocking me back and forth making sure I felt safe, felt loved but it was a while. It was until my screams and sobs had stopped and we sat there tears still silently streaming down our faces that I finally turned to face him. He kissed my cheek tenderly.

  
“You feel a little more grounded?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered quietly nodding my head, “Thank you.”

  
“It’s nothing,” He muttered softly back in reply, “I have a date tonight.”

  
I turned shocked looking at him. I could tell he was reading my expression that he could see my distress and he nodded his head communicating that he felt the same anxiety I was showing. My heart was in my throat. So not only was it me who had to deal with it tonight it was him too the person I cared about the most the person that made my body feel warm and my heart flutter.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” I asked cupping his cheek softly looking at him intently trying got read how he was feeling.

  
“I don’t know, it’s been a little bit,” He answered, “I huh, he scares me he’s not physically violent like I said before but something about him is just off I don’t…”

  
“You don’t want to do it, you’re being forced to like I’m being forced to. He pushes me farther then I really, it’s hard to explain,” He said.

  
“I get it,” I said, “God I wish this wasn’t our lives. I wish we could be normal.”

  
Pat smiled lightly, “Rabbit if we were normal we probably wouldn’t have the relationship we do.” He pointed out making me smile in return.

  
“That’s very true most guys don’t get this friendly with their friends,” I agreed nodding my head.

  
“Not at 14 no,” Pat said biting his lip ring, “At 16 though…” He trailed off making me giggle, “I think we’re probably a little more than friends though.”

  
“Yeah, just a little,” I teased leaning in and kissing him quickly on the lips, “Thank you.”

  
“For what?” He asked me confused.

  
“Making me feel not so alone. Will tries he does it’s just weird to talk about with my brother. I do it for him and I don’t know it’s just. It’s different trying to talk to him about it,” I said.

  
“You two seem very tense lately,” Pat commented.

  
“Yeah, it’s he’s been alone basically with me dealing with Da and Mum gone he’s been taking care of everyone pretty much. Da apparently hired a Nanny but I haven’t seen one so I have no idea how long it was for if it was just a temp because I was downstairs or what but it hasn’t been easy for him,” I said.

  
“What about for you?” Pat asked me looking at me closely grabbing one of my hands squeezing gently his thumb brushing repeatedly over the skin the back of my hand.

  
“I’m ok,” I answered.

  
“Rabbit don’t lie to me, you’re very very far from ok, I can see it in every fiber of your being. People who are ok don’t cut themselves and they don’t run into their bathrooms and scream unable to stop themselves from shaking,” He said quietly.

  
“Yeah but there isn’t anything I can do about it,” I answered, “I’m his toy and he’s selling me to the highest bidder. Uncle Ben said he more or less is really considering Leo’s offer to contract me. That he’s going to let up only to give me to him. I don’t like him I really don’t he scares me to death he enjoys knowing that I don’t like it.”

  
“Well doesn’t your Da do the same thing?” Pat asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered after a moment of silence, “I don’t think so I think my Da has tricked himself into believing I like it because of…things.”

  
“Well yeah, we all do those things because that’s what bodies do that doesn’t mean we like it, my dad knows that he knows that’s not what it means so I’m sure your Dad knows what that means because your dad isn’t stupid why do you think he repeats the opposite to you constantly because he wants you to believe he’s telling you the truth,” Pat told me.

  
I felt my stomach drop. I knew Pat had been with my Da but how did he know that? Know that was something he said that that was something he constantly told me whispered in my ear, into my pelvic bone sending shivers into my skin. I swallowed hard my brain starting to blank out.

  
Pat must have seen it in my face because his eyes went wide,” Rabbit, where are we?” He coaxed me gently trying to get my head back in the present.

  
“My bathroom,” I answered.

  
“Wall color?” He asked me.

  
“Blue,” I sniffed, “I don’t understand how did you k-k-now that that?” I managed to get out.

  
A blush rose in his face. I could see he was ashamed felt guilty that he had let slip he knew something he wasn’t supposed to know. He swallowed, “You can’t hate me please,” He uttered looking at me desperately sorry.

  
“I don’t h-h-hate y-y-ou,” I answered.

  
“My Dad made me watch videos your Dad gave him. A couple of them were of you and your Dad together. He made me watch the whole thing I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bring it up we were just talking and it came out, I’m so sorry Rabbit,” He said reaching back over to grab my hand again as I pulled away instinctively.

  
His eyes flashed with worry. At first I thought he was angry but that wasn’t it. I felt like he had seen me in a way I didn’t want him to see. I didn’t want him to see someone else doing that to me. Hearing words he shouldn’t have heard words that were private. I felt beyond violated my brain flashing to every word my Da had ever uttered.

  
“Rabbit they aren’t here,” Pat said quietly, “You’re safe right now.”

  
“Why can I feel them? Why can I always feel them?” I muttered more to myself then to him.

  
“It’s anxiety,” Pat said, “Anxiety can feel like them but it’s not them ok? You’re here with me. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere until I know you’re ok,” Pat said trying to calm me down.

  
“I can feel them on my skin I can feel his mouth on my skin,” I said my whole-body twitching.

  
“What can I do to help you?” He asked me looking at me closely making sure his hands were where I could see them so I knew he wasn’t touching me.

  
“Can you turn on the water? I need to shower I can’t breathe,” I answered feeling sick to my stomach.

  
Pat nodded his head slowly getting up not making sudden movements making sure I felt safe. He reached over and turned on the water adjusting the temperature for me, at first I wasn’t sure I wanted him to touch me but he held out his hand to help me up as he pulled the lever allowing the water to start pouring from the shower head and I took his hand, it feeling warm under my fingers, relaxing me. He looked at me and I nodded my head as he helped me pull my shirt off of my body.

  
He sighed heavily looking at me before he kissed my collar bone covering a bruise there and then another one slightly lower, making me feel warm and safe but this nervous energy at the same time. His mouth moved lower trailing a path of love onto my rib cage past my nipples kissing the bruises there as well a little moan of content escaping from my lips before I could stop myself causing me to blush the heat rising in my face as he leaned down helping me out of my pants, “Are you ok?” He whispered into my belly button.

  
“Yeah,” I answered my voice heavy with want, “But we should probably…” He stood up as my pants feel to my ankles.

  
“…stop? Yeah,” He said quietly nodding his head in agreement coming back up to my face and giving me a tender kiss on the lips, “I’ll see you when you’re done? I’ll go hang out with the kids play some video games.” He said smiling and I nodded my head to communicate I thought that was probably a very good idea knowing our situation and how we shouldn’t be doing anything like what we were let alone what we wanted to do.

  
He smiled at me closing the bathroom door gently behind him and I sighed my whole body relaxing as I allowed myself to lean against the wall. God, he was perfect. He always made me feel like things would be ok even if I knew they probably wouldn’t be. How could someone make you feel so good when life was so bad? I still don’t know the answer to that question. I finished undressing myself stepping into the tub.

  
I scrubbed myself clean and when I was done I stepped out getting dressed and then went out to the living room which was full of people. Catty was actually attempting to Play kitchen with Laura and Andy and their play kitchen in the corner and James actually had the controller in his hand while Pat had the other one both Mike and Matt watching them play waiting Edgerly for their turns at the game.

  
Pat laughed, “Man you are kicking my butt Bud,” He said as James’ race car pulled ahead of Pat causing me to smile. He looked at of the corner of his eye and saw me smiling, “Feeling a little better Rabbit?”

  
I blushed lightly at hearing my nickname, “Yeah, thanks.”

  
“Rabbit,” Will muttered laughing lightly to himself.

  
“What?” Pat said glancing over at Will in the corner with his book.

  
“Nothing,” Will said shaking his head in amusement burying his nose back into what he was reading.

  
“No really wha…,” Pat was cut off by James’ enthusiastic yell.

  
“I WON!!! YES!!!” He crowed happily as Matt offered him a high-five and then took the controller.

  
“My turn,” Matt said before glancing over at me, “Have fun?” He asked the look on his face hinting at something that made my stomach drop.

  
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked him.

  
“With your boyfriend,” Matt said his eyes landing on Pat briefly.

  
Pat cleared his throat, “Don’t tease Matty its unbecoming. And it’s not like that.”

  
“So, you two don’t have sex like you and Da do?” Matt asked looking at me.

  
“Hey, Matt what did I say about talking like that?” Will snapped as Pat’s face went red with anger and mine went red with embarrassment.

  
“You’re 9 you shouldn’t talk like that especially to your older brother,” Pat said, “And it’s not like that.”

  
“Yeah,” Matt snorted.

  
Will had apparently had enough of Matt’s attitude because he got up and causally strolled over to him taking the controller out of his hands and handing it to Mike.

  
“HEY!” Matt protested.

  
“You can’t behave and act like a normal person then you can’t play video games,” Will said sternly, “You’re lucky I’m going to let you stay in the living room at all. You don’t ask people questions like that and you don’t say anything about Da to anyone got it?”

  
“Yeah, fine whatever sorry Johnny,” Matt said hearing the nickname making me visibly flinch. I hated that nickname the only one that ever used it Uncle Ben especially when he was threatening or taunting me.

  
Will watched me body language. He knew it was a sore spot for me just like a lot of things were. I didn’t want to show I was upset that I was triggered but I knew he could read it on my face and everyone else knew I was too. Someone pulled gently on my pant leg and I looked down. Laura had a plastic biscuit that she was offering me.

  
“Nummbies?” She said in her sweet baby voice making me smile and bend down to be at her level.

  
“Sure, I’ll take some nummbies, thank you Laura,” I answered smiling trying to allow her cuteness to distract me.

  
“What’s for dinner Will?” I asked looking at him.

  
“Ask Alice she’s downstairs somewhere, I can call her on the com if you like and see?” He answered.

  
“Who is Alice?” I asked confused forgetting that my Da had hired a nanny.

  
“The Nanny, she has Mary and Shame with her right now,” He answered, “I think she’s feeding them and then she’ll come back up. She’s not a bad person just not a good one either.”

  
“Not a bad person?” James said, “I think she’s weird she has this thing where she wants me to be very clean after my bath. She says being clean is important that I need to scrub everywhere even my butthole.”

  
“What?” Will and Mike looked at James shocked.

  
“Yeah I think it’s weird too. I mean I understand it’s important to be clean but you guys don’t make me scrub there it just feels really weird especially when she helped me,” James said shuddering, “I didn’t like it.”

  
“Well,” I said exchanging a look with Will who nodded in agreement at what he thought I was about to say “Alice is no longer allowed to help you with bath time Will or I will ok? No more Alice.”

  
“Ok cool because I thought that was super weird and I thought people weren’t supposed to touch you there. It kind of scared me because I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me like Da and Uncle Ben do sometimes or that one guy did that made it really hurt but I still didn’t like it,” He said.

  
“Did you tell her that?” Will asked him.

  
“No, I didn’t want to get in trouble, you know what Da says when I tell him I don’t like something that I’m not allowed to not like it because he’s my Da,” James said.

  
“Bud,” Pat said, “You’re allowed to not like something no matter what it is or who is doing it ok? There is nothing wrong with not liking something. I’m sure both John and Will are glad you told us this just like I am.”

  
“Yes, yes, we are,” I said nodding my head in agreement.

  
This woman was from the brotherhood. She worked with them she had to be working with them. I didn’t know that they had nannies who worked for them but to me it sounded like she was working on making it seem normal.

  
The stuff they did and they had already brain washed Matt so badly he wasn’t normal anymore so I was very concerned with how this woman might be affecting the younger kids and couldn’t wait for mum to come home. At the time, I didn’t know what it was called but a couple years later around like 18 or so I learned it was called grooming. Making the kid feel like what you were doing was because you loved them, that it was normal. Something my Da had already tried very hard to convince me of that I used to believe up until I was around 11 or 12 when he started being really rough and starting insisting that I didn’t know how I felt. Because for me for some reason that didn’t seem right.

  
That he would know how I felt better than I did but everyone is different and some kids do fall into that line of thinking. Where they get so confused they start to question their own thoughts and feelings disregarding them and listening to their abuser instead, believing their abuser. The moment my Da hooked me up with Tony was the moment it was confirmed to me that he didn’t really love me at all and that he viewed me more like a toy. Or that if he did love me it was because he loved what I could do for him, give him a hole to fuck and not really for who I was as a person.

  
I felt sick to my stomach thinking about. Thinking about them brain washing my little brothers and sisters. Thinking about the things they did to them. Before I knew it, Pat was standing next to me his hand resting on my shoulder, “You need to talk?” He asked me quietly and I nodded my head.

  
Will got up making sure his place in his book was marked, “You guys be nice to each other ok? And Matt no video games until I say so,” He said gently setting his book down and getting up, stretching slightly working the stiffness out of his back and neck before he walked over to where we were standing before he nodded at me following me and Pat down the hallway to my room where he shut the door behind all of us.

  
“This is bad,” Will said before either Pat or I spoke, “This is really fucking bad have you heard anything about mum because we need her home now? If he’s sending people in telling them to clean themselves that thoroughly you know he’s planning something bad he’s trying to train them. Mum needs to be home.”

  
“I haven’t heard anything about mum I could ask him tonight but he might not tell me anything he’s kind of mad at me a little bit,” I answered feeling sheepish.

  
“Why?” Will asked me.

  
“Earlier,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You mean when you cut yourself?” Will asked shaking his head, “I told you it was a bad idea.”

  
“Yeah? No shit Will haven’t you noticed the bruises on my neck?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah I wasn’t going to mention them though because I already figured they were from him and I know you’d rather not talk about it so… I just didn’t say anything,” Will answered, “What exactly did he do?”

  
“Choked me and told me if I ever did it again he’d make sure I wished I was the only one cutting me,” I answered a shiver going down my spine. Pat saw my distress and came up behind me wrapping his arms around my shoulders hugging me tightly against him, pulling himself around me trying to make me feel safe. I leaned into him allowing him to comfort me.

  
“Is that all he said?” Will asked me frowning like he didn’t believe me.

  
“More or less,” I answered no wanting to talk about it, “Look I’ll ask ok? I’ll ask about mum because we do need her back I agree with you but I’m not sure I’ll get a real answer. In fact, I think he’s waiting for an answer from me about something.”

  
“What?” Pat asked from behind me.

  
“It’s nothing that’s worth discussing,” I said.

  
“Rabbit if you’re bringing it up it has to be. You obviously want to talk about it so please? Please,” He said quietly and I sighed allowing myself to lean even more of my weight against him as I felt my throat catch because I knew I was going to start crying if I didn’t allow myself to depend on him to feel him there.

  
“He said,” I started having to swallow the lump in my throat, “He said he would keep Leo away from me if I backed off on protecting everyone else and did what he wanted me to.”

  
“That’s up to you,” Will said, “I can make a different deal with him, I have a body and he’s interested.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “No I’m not letting that happen.”

  
“Well you can protect yourself or you can protect them which one will it be because you know if you say no he will bring him back here and they will do that again. You know it and I know it and Pat knows it and neither Pat nor I want you to put yourself through that especially if it’s going to cause you to carve yourself up like some thanksgiving turkey,” Will stated.

  
I could feel Pat’s amusement at the analogy Will had made but he tried to keep it to himself, “He’s right John, we don’t want that for you. We love you. I love you and I would rather you look after you then put yourself through that.”

  
“I can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t no I won’t. I will not let him hurt these kids Will you know I won’t.”

  
“At what cost?” Will said, “I’m here I can do this I can help let me help.”

  
“NO!” I shouted, “ I have spent more time protecting you than anyone else you are my baby brother I am not letting you throw yourself to the wolves so I can be spared some pain and they need you, that Nanny obviously is fucked up and dangerous and between her and Da and Uncle Ben and Matty I need you here in full force watching them, taking care of them because Mum isn’t here to help got me?”

  
“Yeah, I got you but it’s still not a good idea,” Will said.

  
“I’m the oldest I’m in charge I’ll tell you what’s a good idea,” I said.

  
“Hey be nice,” Pat said bumping me with his hip from behind.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” I corrected myself.

  
“I understand we need to work together on this though John you’re going to kill yourself you keep going like this, you need to let me help you,” Will insisted.

  
“You want to have to lay there while he…,” I couldn’t say the words.

  
“Well no honestly but you can’t take it all,” Will said, “You can’t you know you can’t, I know you can’t, Pat knows you can’t ask anyone we all know that you are going to break under this hell if you are cutting yourself you are already breaking. How long before you start drinking again after being sober for almost 8 months? How long before other things start to happen? I can’t lose you I need you we need you.”

  
“You don’t get it, do you? I don’t have a choice here, I can’t let him do that to you I can’t let him hold you down or make you lay there as he…,” I trailed off again.

  
“As he what John? You have to be able to say it maybe if you could say it, it would help you. As he rapes me? As he shoves his dick up my ass, as he blows me and makes me cum? What?” Will said each sentence making me cringe.

  
“Will, you don’t need to be so blunt,” Pat said softly.

  
“Why because he can’t deal with it? That’s exactly what he means and that’s exactly what would happen so why can’t he say it?” Will asked Pat looking at us both his brown wrinkled his face hard.

  
“If it were you, maybe you couldn’t deal with it either,” Pat answered simply as I felt my breath catching in my throat.

  
“It is me, I got it up the ass last night because they had hurt him so bad he was passed out in the basement, you know how many times I had my dick sucked last night? And I can talk about it I just want to know why he can’t?” Will snorted.  
“Everyone is different Will, he just can’t ok it makes him uncomfortable,” Pat said making me feel like I wasn’t even in the room, “Can’t you just respect that fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it? That it hurts him talking about it hurts him almost as much as the fact that it’s actually happening?”

  
“Stop,” I barely whispered.

  
“It sucks, no pun intended it really fucking sucks it hurts ok it does I get that trust me I understand that but if you don’t talk about it or write it down in builds up inside it chokes you so slowly and completely that you can’t think,” Will said.

  
“STOP!” I said loudly, “Just stop Will please God just stop it. I can’t do it I can’t talk about it or write about it because if I do that means it’s real don’t you get that? Don’t you understand that? If I don’t talk about it it’s just in my head, it’s not real it’s not happening he’s not …he can be my Da every once in a while, instead of whatever he is now. Is that so wrong that I want to remember what he was once?”

  
“Not talking about it doesn’t make it not real John, you know that you’ve told me time and time again you feel him on your skin all the time just about. How does not talking about it make that better? And whoever he was to you once upon a time he’s never been that to me. He’s always been and always will be what he is now. You can remember who he once was but that’s a memory only you have. My first memories of him are him sneaking into my bedroom at night when I was four and touching me and telling me don’t tell mommy don’t tell John because they’ll be mad at you. My first memories of him aren’t good and then I remember you being 8 and me being six and hearing you scream and walking down those stairs into that kitchen and seeing him on top of you on that…”

  
I zoned out my hands covering my ears as Pat grabbed me so I didn’t fall to the ground my whole body going back to that moment, the smell of the counters he’d just wiped up, the sprinkles on the floor. The taste of the vanilla on his lips as he slid his tongue into my mouth. The pain as he flipped me over onto my stomach and pressed into me the searing pain and heat ripping through my body as he pushed into me that first time. I couldn’t focus I felt sick and I couldn’t breathe my whole body panicking absolutely terrified. I don’t remember moving or pushing them away but when I finally started to calm down I still couldn’t speak. I was curled under my desk both of them peering out at me my knees tucked up under my chin hard as they both sat on the floor looking at me fear and panic in Pat’s eyes as he whispered to me.

  
“Rabbit, your safe right now, it’s ok, can you speak? How are you feeling?” He coaxed trying to get an answer out of me.

  
Will sighed sadly, “I’m sorry I didn’t know he was going to do that. I didn’t know talking about it was going to do that Pat I had no idea. It’s my fault he hit you I’m sorry really I am.”

  
Pat turned to look at him “It’s fine he didn’t mean it and neither did you, you have to understand some people don’t deal with things well and John is one person who doesn’t deal with them well he deals with them by trying to shut them out and talking about it doesn’t help him ok? You have to get that he can’t talk about it not until he feels safe and right now he doesn’t feel very safe I mean look at him does it look like he feels safe to you?”

  
“No,” Will said in agreement, “How do you make someone feel safe though when it’s never safe?”

  
“You open your arms and offer them your hand, you offer them what hope you can,” Pat said softly turning back to me, “Come on Rabbit, I’m right here it’s me it’s Patrick, I won’t hurt you I promise, you’re in your room your safe right now. I will do everything I can to keep you safe please John, please Rabbit.”

  
“I can’t do this Pat, he’s right I can’t do this,” I finally managed to utter.

  
“Yes, you can Rabbit, you can do this, you’re all right, come here,” he said holding his hand out to me still not getting up off the ground, “Please? You’re scaring me please?”

  
I sighed unwrapping a shaky hand from around myself and reaching out to grab his hand which he moved forward to get a better grip on and he kissed making the spot feel warm, feel safe. I wanted to come out I did but I didn’t’ want to hear what Will had to say anymore I didn’t want him to tell me what it looked like from his side when I could feel it happening around me. I couldn’t deal with the guilt of not being able to stop that from happening to him, to stop him from having to see that.  
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

  
“Rabbit, you have nothing to be sorry about absolutely nothing ok? You’re all right just come out here please, come talk to me,” Pat said trying to reassure me.

  
“John, I’m sorry ok I didn’t mean to upset you,” Will said desperately, “Please don’t hide under there I promise I won’t talk about it anymore ok?”

  
“Promise?” I asked timidly.

  
“Yes, I swear it to you I won’t say anything about it ever again,” Will said.

  
“Come on Rabbit, please?” Pat said pulling on my hand lightly.

  
I sighed unwinding myself letting go of my knees and curling down to duck back under the desk surprised I didn’t remember the movement of getting under there in the first place. Pat backed up holding his arms open for me offering me a hug if I would allow it to happen. I sighed pulling myself into his lap between his open legs curling myself there burying my head in his shoulder and shirt taking in his smell allowing my heart beat to slow down, allowing myself to feel safe.

  
“There you are,” He sighed kissing the top of my head, “It’s ok, you’re ok.” He said his one hand rubbing up and down my spine through my shirt again like he had done earlier the warmth from his fingertips spreading through my shirt and into my back cell by cell branching out to reach the rest of my body that felt so cold and so dangerous.

  
Just then the door opened and making me jump out of my skin so bad I startled Pat making him jump as he held me tighter, “It’s ok it’s just James it’s all right.”

  
“Is he ok?” James asked and I could hear the frown in his voice.

  
“Yeah Bud, John’s fine he just doesn’t feel too good right now,” Pat answered calmly as Will stared at James.

  
“Alice said dinner is ready on the com,” He answered, “She said everyone was supposed to come because Da wanted us all there so can someone answer her back? I would but I’m too short to reach the button and Mike and Matt won’t do it.”

  
“I’ll let her know,” Will said standing up, “I really am sorry John.” He said again before he left shutting the door behind him quietly leaving Pat and I sitting there in the middle of my bedroom floor me still clinging to him like a frightened toddler would cling to its mom. God, I missed my mum too so horribly everything felt overwhelming.

  
I allowed myself to start crying again. Trying to cry silently instead of sob out right so I didn’t scare any of the kids. I was scared. I didn’t want to go downstairs where they were, I was beyond terrified of what would happen the moment Da got us all in the same room around that table how he would treat me in front of them. Whether he would touch me in front of them in ways he shouldn’t.

  
“I know,” Pat whispered into the crown of my head, kissing it rubbing my back, “I know.”

  
After my breathing, had evened out I pulled away looking at him and he smiled sadly at me. I knew he could feel my pain almost as deeply as I felt it and that this was hard from him. Me breaking down, watching me and not being able to help me. This is what had made me hesitate in calling him, in asking for his help. He looked at his watch and sighed, “What’s wrong?” I asked confused.

  
“I have to go do that thing this evening remember? It’s almost 7 I have to head home so that I can shower and get ready. I love you. I’ll call later tonight around 11 ok?” He said kissing me lightly on the lips before he stood up, “Try and feel a little better I know it’s hard I know things aren’t going well but please don’t hurt yourself try and focus on the good stuff ok Rabbit?” He said.

  
I got to my feet too hugging him tightly, God I didn’t want him to leave because if he left it meant he was with McClairen and only bad things would happen I didn’t want to be separated from him. I didn’t want to think about what would happen to both of us once we were apart but I nodded my head letting him go, “I’ll see you later.” I said quietly.

  
“Tomorrow,” Pat said smiling walked out.

  
I walked into the bathroom not able to look at my face but was smart enough to know I probably looked like shit because I felt like shit. I sighed splashing cold water on my face as I cleaned myself up and washed my hands. I waited for the lift to come back up before I headed down.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner turns into an eventually occasion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 64-75. I know it's a short chapter but a lot of stuff goes on warnings, RAPE/NON-CON, manipulation, forced brother/brother incest, forced blow job, rimming, forced uncle/nephew incest, physical violence, psychological abuse. My Beta will be editing this later so there will probably be a repost with corrections but I think I'm addicted to posting. Leave a comment.

When I got to the second floor I could hear the chatter from the dining room from up the stairs and descended carefully knowing I was expected if he wasn’t already pissed I was late and sighed as I poked my head around the threshold.

  
“There you are,” Da said smiling at me from the head of the table before he stood up making me take a few steps back, “Say hi to Alice.”

  
I looked over at a woman who was stout and probably around the same age as my Da. She had dark skin and dark hair and eyes and wore something on top of her head that covered her hair. I didn’t really know what to think of her but stared at her coldly as she smiled at me and waved picking up Mary and taking her from the room. I didn’t have a problem with how she looked in fact I thought she looked so normal it startled me she didn’t have any weird warts or anything that would hint she was a sadistic person but here she was, the woman who was slowly trying to groom my siblings to fit my father’s needs and the needs of the brotherhood.

  
Da finally made his way to me, hugging me making me tense, “You look like shit what happened?” He whispered into my ear kissing my ear lobe making me cringe.

  
“Nothing Da, just tired,” I answered simply moving to sit down.

  
My Da put his hand out in front of me as I tried to sit down, “No over here baby,” He said loudly enough that everyone could hear making my cheeks burn with embarrassment as he directed me to the seat right next to him on his right. I sat down and looked at the food in front of me which was different from the food everyone else had and he leaned in and whispered to me “It’s a diet to help with the mess.” He said making my eyes go wide knowing what he was referring to.

  
“Daddy?” Catty asked right on que, “Why is John eating something different?”

  
“Because John is helping me with something so I need him to eat something different because it will help him feel nice and strong later when he helps me,” Da answered smiling as he dug into his plate of food.

  
I had a bowl in front of me of some sort of soup. And just looking at it made me feel sick to my stomach. It looked like a mix of snot and vomit someone had spooned into a bowl for my consumption.

  
“Da I don’t think I’m hungry,” I said looking from him to my bowl of slop and then back again.

  
“It’s good for you eat it,” He said sternly giving me a look that said not to question him and just do it.

  
“Da can I please just no…” He cut me off.

  
“I told you to stop that, stop being disobedient or I will have to punish you and you won’t like your punishment you got me baby?” He said looking at me causing everyone else to look at me.

  
I could only just imagine the type of humiliation he would heap upon me if I kept pissing him off since bruising my neck apparently was just the start of it as well as showing the videos he made of me to everyone he knew including some of my siblings. I sighed heavily and ate a spoonful of my vomit/snot stew and it actually didn’t taste so bad but I had a hard time getting past the way it looked. Four spoonful’s in when I was finally getting past the look of it I felt my Da’s hand start sliding up my thigh causing me to go stiff and stop my spoons path to my mouth. I couldn’t eat with him doing that to me, His hands on me. I could scarcely breathe while he did that. His hand slowly creeped closer and closer to my crotch making my eyes go wide as my whole body stayed stiff as a statue.

  
“You ok baby?” He asked looking at me like he wasn’t feeling me up, like his hand wasn’t inches from my crotch under the table where I was sitting with my little brothers and sisters. He smiled at me daring me to speak, daring me to tell him to stop, to beg him to stop.

  
I opened my mouth to speak his hand inching farther up stealing any words my brain was trying to push out of my mouth and I closed it nodding my head instead and picking up my spoon again even though my hand couldn’t hold it steady.

  
“Good boy,” He said leaning forward in his chair so he was leaning closer to me, “Sweet boy aren’t you baby?” He said starting to run his other hand through my hair forgetting everyone else was there causing me to tense. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want this, he was doing this to get a rise out of me.

  
“Da,” Will said a warning tone in his voice, “You do realize there are plenty of kids around you, right?”

  
“So?” Da said his Hand finally finding its way to where I really didn’t want it to be making my eyes go so wide they were almost popping out of my head as he started rubbing back and forth through the fabric of my pants, “You’re all my kids we have a special relationship.”

  
“Usually isn’t that special relationship a private one?” Will asked shooting me a worried glance as I tried to keep myself from freaking out.

  
“We can make it a little less private. You’re all ok with that aren’t you kids?” He asked everyone winking.

  
“What do you mean special?” James asked as Catty frowned at him shaking her head.

  
“You know when I touch you special? You know what I’m talking about Jimmy,” Da said looking at him closely making James’ face flush and causing him look at his plate quietly.

  
Matt giggled lightly causing Mikey to shoot him a dirty look, “It’s not funny,” Mikey actually said out loud to everyone instead of to Matt silently like he usually spoke to him.

  
“It is just a little bit,” Matt said smiling at me making the bile rise from my stomach into my mouth.

  
I slammed my hand over my mouth and pushed up from the table before Da could stop me running to the bathroom puking up what little soup I had actually managed to get down. This was too much I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t take what he was doing there making me do in front of them. I felt a panic attack coming on because I knew when I went back out there his hand would go back to rubbing to touching, to making my eyes go wide as I had to sit there silently and try to keep it together. For their sake and for mine unless I wanted to deal with Leo which I knew I couldn’t handle. I sighed rinsing my mouth out with water and then splashing some on my face before washing my hands and going back out into the dining room.

  
“Come here baby,” Da said standing up smiling at me.

  
I looked around the table at me and noticed that everyone besides my four younger brothers was gone that everyone younger than James had been taken upstairs.

  
“Don’t make me repeat myself Baby come here now,” He said his eyes flashing angry sparks of hate at me. I knew better than to press, to try and talk my way out of whatever this was. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew it wasn’t good.  
I took a few hesitant steps forward stopping midway to him forcing me to come the rest of the way to me, “Now boys,” He said address my brothers as he wrapped his hands around my waist pulling me tight against him, “You know I have a special relationship with each of you but my relationship with John is really special can you tell them what we do John?” He said looking at me and I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say until he buried his face in my neck and whispered into my ear “Tell them I make you cum,” He muttered biting my ear lobe making me shudder.

  
I pushed backwards throwing my shoulders back to try and break his grip on me has he tightened his grip on me, “Do it, don’t make you repeat myself, turn around and say it or you will not be happy.”

  
He gave me enough room to turn around to face them. I felt my face burning red and couldn’t believe I was going to say it but I averted my gaze and took a deep breath, “hhhemakesmecum,” I said all at once feeling my face glow even brighter still not looking at them.

  
Matt laughed, “What?”

  
“Apparently, Matt didn’t understand you care to say it again baby,” He said sliding his hand from my shoulder down the back of my pants a hand that I wasn’t sure if my brothers could see it or not.

  
“He m-m-m-m-makes m-m-m-ee cum,” I said shakily but more understandable.

  
“Da stop it, you’re torturing him,” Will pleaded for me.

  
“No Will I’m not if I was I’d be pulling down his pants and sucking him off right here in front of you,” Da said smiling at him, “You want to see me do that? I have no problem with it.”

  
“I do,” Matt said he eyes lighting up as Da grabbed me hard by the back of the neck so I couldn’t pull away from him.

  
Matt’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. There was something really wrong with my little brother he knew I was in pain that I was scared and he wanted to see Da cause me more pain. I gulped closing my eyes bringing my hands up to my mouth as I started muttering prayers behind them because I didn’t think I could do this and I needed a miracle to get me out of it.

  
Da smiled at Matt I couldn’t see it but I could feel it as he stepped around in front of me pulling my hands away from my mouth and looking at me closely his hand cupping me through my pants as his hands starting lifting the hem of my shirt, “We can make this fun give them a show,” He said pulling my shirt up over my head just as my Uncle Ben came in the threshold.

  
“You’re not going to party without me, are you?” He asked coming up behind Da as he bit lightly into Da’s neck above his collar making Da laugh.

  
“Not me silly, him,” He said motioning to me.

  
“Fun,” Uncle Ben said moving around so he was behind me helping Da lift my shirt off my body and over my head. I knew my breathing was heavy as Da bit into my collar bone from the front and Uncle Ben started sucking on my shoulder blade from behind.

  
“No,” I finally gasped shaking my head not able to take it anymore trying to pull away from Da only to find myself trapped between the two, “No, please, please no don’t, please,” I started begging as Uncle Ben started undoing the draw string on my pants from behind and my little brothers watched.

  
“Please Da, please let me go,” I begged not able to stand still

  
“Shhh, it’s ok baby, I just want them to see how special you are,” He said as Uncle Ben grabbed my wrist forcing them behind my back and holding them there tightly. He got on his knees in front of me pulling my pants and boxers down exposing me to my brothers as I struggled against my Uncles arms as he licked the back of my neck my eyes going wide as my Da started licking my inner thighs moving closer and closer to where he wanted his mouth to be until he grabbed it licking the tip making me squeeze my eyes shut as I heard James squeal in fear and Will and Mike gasps.

  
“DA STOP!” Will said as Da kept going and Uncle Ben held me laughing his fingers bruising me.

  
“You see this boy?” Ben muttered, “You know why he’s moving like that? Why your Da is so excited because it feels good, your brother is getting ready to cum so hard for your Da just the way it should be because your brother is a good boy aren’t you Johnny?” He mumbled kissing the back of my neck more as I started to climax in front of my brothers my Da licking and kissing my penis so they could see what was happening to my body as my muscles started to spasm my knees buckling as I felt myself cum the only thing holding me up my uncle’s hands. Dad licked my length and swallowed anything that was left on me before he allowed uncle Ben to bend me over the table still holding me down and he reached into his pocket and pulled something out with his free hand. He was going to rape me. IT wasn’t enough that he had to force me to stand there while I struggled to get away and he blew me he was going to let my uncle rape me.

  
“DA STOP IT!” Will said finally having enough looking at my three little brothers, who were crying yes, even Matt was crying at that point because I was crying and I probably looked like I was in pain. Will got up and went up to my Uncle Kicking him in the shin and he just turned and looked at Will laughing as Da grabbed him by the back of the neck and threw him down hard away from me.

  
“You want a turn when we’re done Will?” Da said to him from where he was sprawled on the floor after attacking our Uncle, “I didn’t think so.” He said as my uncle shoved a finger inside me making me scream as my Da came up beside me running his hand through my hair, “It’s ok baby, I’ll make you feel really good after we put the kids to bed I promise, god I’ll make you make those sounds I love so fucking much.” He said licking my cheek and Uncle Ben added another finger to the one already present.

  
“I’m fucking rock hard,” He said as Da held me down against the table by my neck So that Uncle Ben could free his hands to undo his belt and put a condom on.

  
“NO NO! I DON’T WANT TO STOP IT PLEASE PLEASE DA PLEASE DON’T LET HIM DON’T LET H….” My words got cut off as he rubbed his erection in my crack spreading something cold and sticky around that felt almost too watery to really give me the lubrication I needed before he shoved it inside me hard making me scream as my Da muffled the sound by pressing my lips to his.

  
I didn’t know what was happening with my brothers at that point. I had no idea if they were watching. How scared they were or how disgusted they were as he shoved himself as far into me as he could, over and over hurting me. Making my eyes go wide and making my whole-body shiver.

  
He went until he released his load inside of me, going soft and then he buried his tongue deep into my ass as far as he could get it to go. Making me bite the inside of my cheek raw to keep from screaming. When he was done Da grabbed me before I fell to the ground pulling me into his lap as I hid face as if he were comforting me.

  
“Good boy, that’s my good boy,” He cooed, still dragging one of his hands through my hair the other one tracing patterns on my lower back and hips, “God I love you, you’re amazing.” He kept cooing as I clenched my eyes tight wishing his hands would stop, wishing he would go away that I could be something else anything else other than human other than who I was.

  
“You four can go,” He muttered to my brothers even though I could still feel his eyes on me, “You ever tell you mum about this and you know those friends of mine that come over to see John? I will pass you around to them for free and then you’ll really know what pain feels like but if you’re good like John here then you’ll never have to experience that you understand?”

  
“If we let you touch us like that you won’t let your friends do it?” James asked confused.

  
“Exactly, if you’re one of my good boys Jimmy you won’t have to see my friends again for a very long time. Ok?” He said and James nodded his head in understanding wide eyed and fearful as Mike hiccupped in fear his tears started to calm down.

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head trying is best to usher the other three out of the room quickly, “We got it Da thanks.”

  
“Wait,” Uncle Ben said just as Will made it to the threshold of the room, “Didn’t you promise your Da something?”

  
“Go on guys, I’ll see you upstairs,” Will said nodding the boys forward before he turned around, “What are you talking about?”

  
“Oh,” Da said lifting his head smiling, “Will come here,” He said waving Will over to us where I was still curled in the fetal position on the floor, “You remember before you left you both said if I left Jimmy alone you would show me how much fun the three of us could have together?” He reminded Will.

  
That was a promise I remembered making to him and one I was hoping I would never have to fulfill. I sat up criss cross apple sauce hissing as the cold floor hit my sore ass, feeling good but burning at the same time and shook my head at Da, “No.” I barely muttered.

  
“So, you remember don’t you baby?” He said reaching out to touch my cheek making me flinch.

  
“You want to make your brother feel better?” Da said looking at Will licking his lips at the thought of us together doing things together that we didn’t want to do.

  
“Da,” Will said quietly, “Don’t make us. Look at him he’s barely alive as it is.”

  
“ So? Suck him back to life, Johnny you want to see me beat in your brother’s nose?” Da asked looking at me.

  
“No,” I answered quietly not looking at Will. Not wanting to think about the choice I was being given.

  
Will swallowed, “If I do this, will you let him sleep in his own bed tonight?” he asked my Da quietly his gaze refusing to meet mine.

  
“Will,” I said shaking my head, “No.”

  
“I mean it John, I don’t care who does what to who at this point someone is getting sucked so either you get to it or he does or I swear to god I will lock you both down in the basement for a week until someone does it,” He hissed looking at me.

  
I closed my eyes. I hated doing that, hated having that forced on me so there was no way I could force it on my brother just thinking of putting my mouth on him like that made me feel sick. I was tired my whole body in pain my heart pounding and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Will walked up to me and then sat down on the floor in front of me his eyes looking at mine before he leaned forward making my Da laugh in the background as I leaned back pulling away slightly. I didn’t want to do this.  
“Come on, it’s ok,” Will said nodding his head placing a hand on my shoulder, a hand that seemed too small, too innocent for this, “It’s ok John,” He encouraged getting on his knees and leaning in kissing my cheek first and then placing a gentle kiss on my lips making my eyes go wide and me shake my head.

  
I went to move backwards but felt bigger hands wrap around my forearms holding them down as muscular thighs pressed into my still naked hips trapping me where I was as I felt his breath on the back of my neck making me feel like I was choking on my own air, “Just let him do it baby,” He whispered biting the back of my neck lightly licking the skin there causing a shiver to go up and down my spine and Will moved forward deepening the kiss trying to get me to let his tongue into my mouth because he knew it was what Da wanted him to do. Will’s hand went to my crotch grabbing my length manipulating it like a pro making my stomach twist into knots.

  
I just kept thinking this was my brother this wasn’t right. This wasn’t fair I couldn’t do this with him, I couldn’t do it yet I was. I was being held there while he touched me while my Da threatened to hurt us both in order to get us to do it. I hated myself.

  
I hated the fact that I wasn’t strong enough to break away from my Da to tell him no and I felt like I never would be. My Da scooted back a little pulling me by my upper arms forcing me to lay back as my Uncle came up behind Will grabbing my ankles and unlocking them so my legs were open. He motioned for Will to get on his stomach in-between my legs and he did. All I could hear was the blood rushing around my head this weird buzzing of anxiety as I shook my head vigorously because I knew what was going to happen, what was happening and I knew I couldn’t stop it and that no matter how much I protested it was going to happen. I snapped my eyes shut as I felt it his tongue teasing the tip running across my opening making me squirm. I knew it was Will. I knew it was him and the thought was making my throat close up. I didn’t want my brother doing this to me. He was too young too innocent he didn’t deserve this.

  
“Keep going,” I heard my Uncle Ben mutter as Will stopped a minute and made a sound that almost made me open my eyes but I didn’t. I managed to keep my eyes shut keep myself unaware of what was going on for a while longer. Will’s breathing became heavier coming in short gasps against the skin of my tip his licking erratic with less of a rhythm.

  
“Da,” Will whimpered.

  
“It’s ok Will, you’re doing good just keep going make your brother feel good you’re all right,” My Da whispered behind me.

  
I finally opened my eyes. That was a mistake. My Uncle had his face buried deep in my brother’s ass as Will struggled to do what they were telling him to do because his own body was overcome with sensations. His eyes open Wide in fear his tiny hands still gripped around me trying to keep me stimulated as my Uncles tongue hit his asshole over and over making his mouth and eyes go wide like he didn’t know whether it felt good or he was beyond scared his breathing rapid and shallow.

  
I could feel my whole body shaking, but my breathing was still pretty even. I wasn’t anywhere close to climax and I was angry. Angry that they were making us do this that we were on our dining room floor and they were making us do this with them and to each other.

  
Da sighed slowly, “It’s ok pal I’ll help,” He said reaching around fisting my cock in one of his hands starting to jack me off so that I would climax for my little brother as he tried to do what he was being told to do.

  
An Electric shock went up my spine he was going to make me climax and fast, the pace of his hand just right as he felt my breathing hitch, “That’s it baby let your brother taste you, know how sweet you are,” He whispered into my ear before biting my ear lobe. I started to climax on my brother’s face hating myself for it. Hating the fact that this was even happening and that I had no control over it. Will coughed as my cum covered his face getting in his eyes and nose. The sight made me feel sick to my stomach but my Da stood up when it was over, helping me up onto my feet grabbing me by the ass and forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist as he kissed me heavily his tongue tickling the roof of my mouth as he held me around the waist with one arm and held me tightly by the back of the neck with the other giving me no choice but to grip onto his shoulders as he pinned me between in the wall in his body.

  
“Good job kid,” My Uncle said as I managed to find him with my eyes He was on top of Will he wasn’t making any sound who looked frozen as his hands balled into fist and I knew what my uncle was doing to him.

  
The thought made me angry even more angry than my Da’s fingers digging at me at my spine and at me I unwrapped my legs from around my Da’s waist but found he was holding me up in such a way that my feet didn’t touch the ground. I grabbed his biceps squeezing as hard as I could which caused him to break the kiss and look at me, staring fire at me inches from my face.

  
“John baby,” My Da warned me, “Don’t start fighting back now or I will have to start using restraints ok?” He said his hand curling around my left butt cheek and his finger finding its way inside me making me tense squeeze his arms harder.

  
I heard Will scream out in at the same moment as Uncle Ben moaned in ecstasy. Me feeling helpless. He was hurting him and I knew he was hurting him. I did the only thing I could think of to get away from my Da and get to Uncle Ben to make him stop I kneed my Da in the balls making his hands drop me as I landed on my feet running over to Uncle Ben and grabbing him around the neck to pull him off of Will. He stopped what he was doing throwing himself backward and body slamming hard into the ground I saw lights the air knocked out of my lungs my head bashed against the floor sending a crack of pain through my skull and down my spine the pain vibrating through my body as I laid there frozen trying to figure out what had just happened, trying to fill my lungs with air trying to breathe.

  
“You want to play instead Johnny?” Uncle Ben said above me staring down at me. Things felt slow like they weren’t registering right for some reason. I could hear the words and see him over top of me feel his hands on my wrist but I couldn’t process what exactly he was getting at. However, he didn’t hit me against the floor hard enough to make me pass out just hard enough to make things feel like they were moving in slow motion. Before I knew what was happening he had me laying on my stomach and my Da was in front of me and then I felt the pain, the pain as my uncle shoved into me and my Da forced his dick into my mouth. God, was I hurting and I couldn’t scream because I couldn’t breathe. Then everything went dark fading away into nothing.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pat offers some comfort after a traumatic night. Will and John discuss the event and make their feelings about the incident known to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 75-89. Things are getting really interesting. If you want to leave a comment. I like comments.

I don’t remember passing out. I don’t really remember a lot of things after that but I do remember waking up to Da’s mouth doing his favorite thing my own moan waking me up my head beyond pounding. I went to go move to push him off but found I couldn’t move my arms. Even though every cell in my body was telling me not to I turned my head to look. We were down in the basement my wrists chained there were chains connecting me to the headboard holding my wrists taunt. He smiled up at me from my crotch.

  
“Told you I would restrain you," he said licking up my shaft to my balls making me shiver.

  
“My head is killing me,” I managed to mumble.

  
“Well, you shouldn’t have tackled Ben, he doesn’t like being tackled at least not that way," he muttered his tongue sliding back around the front as he licked me like an ice cream cone. “You like that yeah?" he asked me as I jerked making my chains rattle.  
“I don’t feel good,” I muttered as he climbed on top of me pressing his pelvis against mine and I knew he was going force himself inside me I moaned and rolled my eyes. “Da I’m really tired.”

  
“It’s just because you hit your head baby, just let me please," he said pushing my knees apart so he could lie between my legs, his fingers prodding and poking slowly making me squirm my head still pounding, “Just relax, relax,” he cooed as his slid one finger in teasing, bumping against my prostate making me gasps in surprise, “That’s it baby, that’s it," he said sliding another finger in making sure he took his time working me up slowly before he switched, sliding his dick inside me easily making me gasps even though I tried to be silent.

  
He pushed up inside me as far as he could go and then rotated his pelvis rolling his hips stealing my breath away. I didn’t want to like it but it send a weird buzz through my body. I felt almost drunk. I bit my mouth closed trying to keep him from realizing how good my body thought it felt but he must have seen it in my face his eyes lighting up watching me.

 

“Da,” I begged him. I wanted him to stop, stop ripping my soul to pieces stop making me hate myself and yet I knew he wouldn’t. I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep myself from crying as he kept rolling his hips only this time pulling out just to press back into me his one hand holding tight to my calf his other on my hip holding me to him so tightly it was like his dick was super glued into me.

  
“That’s my good boy, that’s my baby," he moaned into my ear leaning forward kissing my collarbone, my nipples another moan escaping my lips. “God I love you,” he said rolling his hips again my whole body shuddering as I started to reach climax.  
“That’s it, god yes you’re so fucking beautiful, I’m going to cum so hard baby god you feel so fucking amazing," he rasped, his nails digging into my hips as he came hard my whole body shuddering as I orgasmed with him. When he was done he rolled off of me and I went to move to roll off the bed only to be stopped by my chains. I needed him to let me go, I needed him to uncuff me so I could go scrub myself raw and scream but instead he hugged me to him putting his head against my chest as I still laid there with my eyes closed trying to keep myself from shaking.

  
“I love you baby," he said kissing me, touching me, his hands rubbing against the bruises that were starting to pop up on my hips and along my arms and legs. “I can’t believe you’re bruised so much you must have sensitive skin," he mused. “You need to calm down I can see you breathing and your feel your heart beating," he said probably looking up into my face. “Open your eyes beautiful.”

  
He reached up touching my cheek gently. I swallowed. I didn’t want him to see me crying, I didn’t want to look at him because if I did I would scream and I knew he would make me stay there longer. I didn’t know how long but he would make sure I got punished somehow in a way that would stick with me if I opened my eyes and he saw me crying and all I could think of was how badly I wanted to be out of this room, away from him where I could breathe where I was allowed to feel, to hate myself to hate him.

  
“Please baby, let me see your eyes, look at me," he whispered against my cheek.

  
I sighed and opened my eyes looking at him taking a deep breath before I closed them again.

“You don’t need to be ashamed baby it’s ok that it felt good, it’s ok that you wanted it you don’t have to be upset about it," he said laying tiny pecks that trailed down my cheek and jaw bone. “If you didn’t fight so hard maybe you’d be able to enjoy it even more. We could try different positions you know 69, fun things," he mumbled into my collar bone before licking my nipple grabbing my penis, manipulating it until I was hard again, rubbing, coaxing my body to do what he wanted.

  
I tried to close my eyes again to keep it locked inside to not let him know what he was doing to me but when I went to slam my eyes shut he got angry, “No I want you to look at me while you cum,” he said grabbing the sides of my chin with his free hand as he continued to jack me off.

  
I remember feeling numb my head still swimming, my body responding to his touches just the way he wanted it to. I remember cuming making a sound between a whimper and a sob as I did it. Him smiling at me warmly not taking his eyes off my eyes making me feel sick and dirty.

  
“Good boy," he said kissing my forehead before he licked me clean.

  
I couldn’t take it anymore when he did that I started crying. At first I tried to keep silent, I tried to stop myself from making a sound until he stopped and whispered into my belly button asking me what was wrong.

  
“Just kill me,” I barely whispered.

  
He stopped what he was doing, meaning he must have heard me but he straddled me looking at me closely while I avoided looking him in the eyes, “What did you just say?”

  
“Just kill me, please just kill me,” I begged.

  
“Baby, I love you I don’t want to kill you, I just want you to love me the same way. Does that make me a horrible person?" he asked.

  
“Just kill me,” I repeated again wanting to scream my whole body crawling his hands still on me.

  
“Stop saying that or I will gag you, you give me a minute and I will unchain you, do you want me to let you go or you want me to keep going until you can’t stop yourself from screaming?" he hissed.

  
I instantly went quiet. I wanted him to let me go, to unchain me because I couldn’t stand his side pressed against my hip or his hands on my rib cage anymore. He leaned forward and I thought he was going to let me go but instead he shoved his tongue back in my mouth his hands running up and down my forearms at first and then my sides as he started licking down the center of my chest going back to doing it again. He did it to me until I couldn’t scream anymore, until I couldn’t feel my body anymore and I was shaking and sticky covered in his spit and my own sweat.

  
“You know what you did yet?" he muttered licking the length of my shaft my whole body already feeling that cold fire making me jump and shiver.

  
“Wha?” I barely managed barely able to do anything but lay there and have my body flinch because it was so over stimulated.

  
“You know what you did to deserve this?" he said nipping at me lightly.

  
I shook my head forgetting he couldn’t see me then managed a sound. “Nuhuh.”

  
“What did you do today that was bad?" he muttered to me kissing his way back up my torso

  
“Ben?” I managed to question.

  
“No Ben took care of that himself baby, what else?”

  
“Cut?” I barely mumbled.

  
“What about inviting someone over without asking me?" he said causing me to snap my eyes open. “That’s right I ran into him leaving. When did I say you could have friends over?" he questioned looking at me closely.

  
I swallowed my mouth dry from breathing so heavily through it. “M---m-mum l-l-l-let mmme,” I stuttered.

  
“Well baby Mum’s gone and I don’t know when she’s coming back. You’re supposed to be mine. You can have people over but you need ask before you invite them over all right?" he muttered against my brand. “What did you do while he was over?" he asked suddenly making me try to sit up my chains jiggling as they knocked against the bed.

  
“Nothing,” I managed to answer.

  
He smiled at me.“Waking up? I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to, my body is too awake," he said before his smile widened and he climbed on top of me.

  
“Da, Da please no I can’t, I’m sore please,” I said as he moved to push inside of me, lining himself up with my body. He froze looking at me and then sighed climbing off of me and laying down beside me.

  
“What did you do with him?" he asked me again, “Hank’s boy, he’s pretty.”

  
“Da we’re just friends,” I said lying slightly. “We just played video games with the kids hung out, just like normal stuff.”

  
“You swear? Because I don’t want anyone touching you but me you understand," he asked me.

  
“Yes, I swear Da I haven’t been with anyone like that that you haven’t…” I swallowed averting my eyes. I hated being his whore. Having him tell people they could do things to me even if I didn’t want them to. Me having to obey. Me having to let them and have no choice in the matter. He smiled at me.

  
“What if I invite him and Leo over, Hank I mean?" he teased my eyes going wide, “Relax, I won’t if you’re good like you were good tonight, accepting your punishment. You came 10 times like my sweet boy,” he said kissing my cheek. “But if you’re bad again well, they would have fun.”

  
“I’ll be good, I promise,” I whispered.

  
“Will you really? I’ll unhook you and then just…" he licked his top teeth grabbing me gently. “One more time?”

  
I nodded my head slowly I didn’t want him to but if I said no I knew he wouldn’t unhook me at all. I closed my eyes his hands touching me, my whole body still just numb until I was balls deep in his mouth breathing heavy. I didn’t realize he had unhooked my arms until I went to go touch my face and my hand could actually reach trying to keep myself silent until I realized he was really trying to make me make noise.

  
I hated my life. I hated everything about it but Pat. And now I was being told I couldn’t see him. I might as well just give my Da what he wanted was my thought so I allowed myself to start making noises for him. Allowed myself to hate myself. When he was done he got up after laying a kiss on my brand and told me I had been good that I could shower and meet him upstairs where we could keep going.

  
I don’t remember what happened after that and I don’t know why but I know I woke up in his bed with him, his hand draped across my stomach grabbing my hip holding me there. I shoved him away and he woke up.

  
“Hi did you sleep good baby?" he asked me.

  
“I guess so,” I said getting up my whole body hurting causing me to hiss.

  
“Oh? So you are sore I was wondering if you would be you’ve never fucked like that ever I thought you were usually amazing you were out of this world last night, you were so loud your uncle asked us to keep it down after I told him he couldn’t join," he said laughing laying back down. “ You need to let go like that more often. You can have your friend over if you want.”

  
I looked over at the clock it was like 9 am. Pat said he would call me around 9 pm after everyone was in bed and Da wasn’t at work what was going on? I eyed him curiously.

  
“Really?” I asked cautiously.

  
“Yeah you were a good boy for me, really really good," he said his eyes making me hug myself. “ You can hang out with him no catch just wow…" he said.

  
“Ok,” I said quietly nodding my head.

  
“Come on baby don’t shy on me now," he said. “ I think I might have to tape us tonight because that was mind blowing. Last time you did that you were drunk.”

  
“I don’t remember last night,” I answered honestly closing my eyes hoping he wouldn’t be upset.

  
“Well like I said it was mind blowing," he answered me. “Just enjoy your day but make sure you save some energy for me ok baby?”

  
I nodded my head. “I’m going to go shower if that’s ok.”

  
“Of course it’s ok. Did I finally get you how I want you? Knowing that you’re mine?" he asked me smiling as I turned to walk away.

  
When I got in the shower I sat on the floor curling around myself. I felt beyond sick beyond numb. When I was dressed I braced myself for having to deal with Uncle Ben but instead of going upstairs I went downstairs and grabbed clean clothes from the laundry room and then picked up the phone dialing his number. I called once and Hank picked up so I hung up the phone my heart racing waiting for me to calm down before I tired again. The phone rang three times before someone picked up.

  
“Hello?”

  
“Cole?” I asked timidly.

  
“Oh hey, how are you?” Cole asked me quietly.

  
“Is Pat there?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, how are you doing? Pat’s been really worried you didn’t answer the phone last night and Mike said you were busy neither you nor Will came to the phone. Pat was going crazy he thought something really bad happened to you. It’s taken me everything I have to keep him distracted enough he didn’t march to your house when the sun came up, how are you seriously are you ok?” Cole said.

  
“Da…,” I started but couldn’t make myself say it, couldn’t get the words out, “Can you just put him on the phone? Please?”

  
“No, can we come over?” Cole asked me. “If you aren’t going to talk to me on the phone you’re going to talk to me in person.”

  
“I don’t know if you’re allowed to I’d have to ask but Pat can come over,” I answered.

  
“Pat can but I can’t? What are you on about you have to…” Cole stopped thinking about it carefully and then sighed. “It’s that bad? That you feel like you have to ask him for anything?”

I nodded my head forgetting he couldn’t see me for a moment, “ Is he there?”

  
“No, he heard me talking on the phone with you and he’s probably on his way to your house because he’s fucking freaking out," he said just as someone knocked on the door in the kitchen behind me making me jump.

  
“Would he be here yet?” I asked not wanting to answer the door if there was a chance it was someone else because I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone’s hands on my skin other then his, the truth was I need him to hold me as I cried as I lost it again like I had the day before. I needed him to tell me I was ok. That I wasn’t gross or disgusting that there was nothing wrong with me because all I could think was no one would ever want to be with me because of him.

  
“If he ran yeah,” Cole sighed. “Can I come over or not?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Ok I’m hanging up now, I’ll be over in a few," he said before the phone went silent.

  
I walked over to the door as the person knocked again hoping to god that it was Pat and not someone else. I held my breath as I opened the door and when I saw him I nearly collapsed into his arms.

  
“Oh Rabbit,” Pat cooed, holding me tightly. “Oh Rabbit I was so worried you didn’t answer my call what happened?”

  
“Dinner,” I answered quietly.

  
“What happened at dinner?" he asked me softly, “Come on let’s go outside ok? Go sit by the pool?”

  
I nodded my head, taking him by the hand and walking with him quietly till we got to the pool. By the time we got there I was ready to try and talk about it. I sat down at the edge and he sat down with me watching me knowing he couldn’t interrupt me or I would stop talking and shut down completely.

  
“Da happened at dinner, he put his hand on my leg and he kept, I couldn’t breathe and then he sent Catty and everyone younger than her upstairs and he him and Uncle Ben they…in front of my brothers,” I barely managed.

  
“Oh no,” Pat swallowed and shook his head, “Are they ok? Are you going to be ok?”

  
“He made Will and I…,” I felt my face going red, “I—I—I di-didn’t want to i-i-it j—j-jj-ust happened.”

  
Pat looked at me and then hugged my tightly, “He didn’t let you go after dinner did he? That’s why you couldn’t call me because he didn’t let you go right?”

  
I nodded my head allowing him to hold me tightly, his hand traveling my back my skin finally starting to feel like mine again. Before I could stop myself I was on top of him and he was letting me be on top of him my hands finding their way under his shirt against his rib cage counting his ribs with my fingers, and he was sighing into me his neck under my lips as he grabbed my right hand kissing it, his moans making me feel better, making me feel alive, desired. After a minute I managed to pull myself away stop myself feeling guilty.

  
“Sorry I know you don’t want to…,” I sighed feeling ashamed, “Sorry.”

  
“Oh Rabbit you have no idea how much I do want to that’s apart of the problem though isn’t it? You shouldn’t anyway not right now because of…certain things. You’re not dealing with it by letting me…well I know a lot of us deal with it that way but it’s not the right way to deal with it so…," he mumbled kissing me on the lips.

  
“You don’t think I’m gross?” I asked. Thinking about my da the way he had made me feel the things he had made me do that he always made me do. The things he let his friends do.

  
“Never, Rabbit you are not anywhere near gross. I want to touch you I want to be with you I just can’t. If I could be with you trust me I would be all over you but I’m contracted ok? If he even smells anyone on me and he tells my dad I’m a dead man walking, we really shouldn’t even be touching.” He said.

  
“Yeah,” I said thinking he was just making excuses, “ok.”

  
“Wait," he said looking at me raising his eyebrows, “You don’t believe me do you?”

  
“I didn’t say that,” I said shaking my head, “I just agreed with you.”

  
“I see it in your face Rabbit," he said touching my cheek, “It’s not anything to do with you. I do want you I really do I just can’t because you know it’s dangerous getting caught, I’d rather live in a world where you are then live in one where you never existed or one where you no longer are ok? We can’t ever get caught.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and then he leaned forward his lips meeting mine again. He felt good, warm his tongue in my mouth his hands under my shirt on my skin. I moved to roll so I could be dominant and then…we rolled right into the pool the water going up my nose.

  
“Holy fuck!” Pat swore looking at me as he broke the surface coughing splashing me in the face.

  
“Sorry,” I said.

  
“Decided to get a little wet and wild?” I heard and Pat looked up smiling

  
“Cole don’t be an asshole," he said laughing.

  
“I could see you two making out pretty damn good from a bit of a ways back so I’d be more careful if I were you two," he said folding his arms and leaning against the fence smiling at me.

  
Pat jumped up out of the water grabbing a hold of my shoulders as if he was going to shove me down but he stopped, and Cole’s eyes gave us a look?

  
“What?” I asked confused turning around to face Pat.

  
“Nothing Rabbit it’s nothing, it’s just that..,” Pat was cut off by Cole.

  
“You’re wearing a white shirt, every bruise and scratch is very visible now that it’s wet,” Cole finished trying to sound like it wasn’t a big deal.

  
I felt my smile disappear, “Oh,” I said quietly.

  
I knew what I looked like under my clothes, the hickies that covered my body from head to toe the scratches that ran the length of my back and that my hips wore like a belt I wasn’t stupid I knew what they had done to my body. I felt my face flushing with embarrassment knowing both Pat and Cole had seen but especially Cole because it wasn’t often that Cole saw me in a state of undress unless it was at a party or a get together of some kind.

  
“John you don’t need to be upset I mean look,” Cole sighed pulling up his shirt averting his eyes from me like he too was embarrassed about the state of his body.

  
“That’s from him isn’t it?” I asked him.

  
“ Your dad? Yeah while you were gone I was kind of…it doesn’t matter,” Cole said quietly pulling his shirt back down.

  
“I’m sorry about him, them, that,” I said stumbling over the words.

  
“It’s not your fault,” Cole said running a hand through his blond hair looking at me closely, “We should find you another shirt that’s showing a little less. You know they have a thing about seeing their handy work.”

  
“Yeah he’s right Rabbit,” Pat said, “ It’s better for all of us to stay mostly covered and that white shirt isn’t helping you not draw attention.”

  
“Pat’s letting you know he’s hot for your body,” Cole said shaking his head smiling.

  
I turned noting the blush in Pat’s face. He didn’t want to say it but Cole was right he was thinking hard about the things he wanted to do with me, to me I could see it written on the half-opened mouth expression on his face. The thought made my neck feel warm knowing that he hadn’t been lying earlier that he was actually attracted to me and not in away where he wanted to throw me down and just do whatever he wanted to me but in away where he wanted my consent, where he respected my feelings.

  
Cole cleared his throat, “I think you two can quit staring at each other and just get out of pool so we can find John a real shirt.”

  
“Yeah, come on Rabbit,” Pat said pulling me over to the side of the pool where Cole offered me a hand pulling me out without having to use the ladder, pulling me forward. The water came off me like rain off of a roof in a steady stream from my shirt and jeans as Cole reached and grabbed Pat’s hand pulling him out too.

  
The kitchen door opened causing as all to look back. Uncle Ben was standing there and I noticed Cole’s body language change as Pat stepped forward pushing both of us back behind him with his arms almost like he was trying to protect us, trying to keep some space between us even though there was a still a good deal of distance there. I felt Cole shiver beside me his eyes looking far off in the distance past the roof to the garage. Uncle Ben and Da had really done serious damage to him. He wasn’t nearly as carefree has he had been before we ran. He was quieter, seemed more timid and less sure of himself then he used to be. They must have done some very bad things to him while we were gone was all I could think looking at him.

  
Uncle Ben closed the distance only coming as far as the fence that surrounded the pool stopping at the gate looking at us as we sized him up and he did the same, “Hey kids," he said eyeing us closely.

  
“Hi,” Pat said his voice sounding stable, strong as he looked at Ben closely sizing him up, trying to figure out his intent.

  
“Having fun?” Ben asked his eyes going from Pat to I taking in our dripping clothes my t-shirt that was wet and see through still and Cole still bone dry.

  
“We fell in,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “We’re going inside to find something dry now.”

  
“Are you sure you’re not going inside to get wetter?" he asked his eyes darting to Cole smiling.

  
“Yeah, pretty sure we’re going for dry,” Pat answered, “You coming out here to swim.”

  
“Enjoying a show, Can I talk to you alone for a second Johnny?" he asked looking at me licking his lips. Making me take a step or two back.

  
“No you can’t,” Pat answered for me.

  
“Oh protective? Playing the boyfriend? Aren’t you being kept Paddy?" he asked smiling.

  
“Not boyfriend just friend don’t think we aren’t aware of what you guys are doing to him right now,” Pat said shaking his head.

  
“We’re not doing anything to him he doesn’t want. You should have heard him last night he was so loud he woke me up out of a deep sleep and I popped my head in that bedroom door, his Da had Johnny’s legs on his shoulders and he was riding him nice and hard his dick just soaked with precum. It took everything I had not to get on that bed and suck his cock as he let daddy ride him and he screamed in pleasure because he wanted it that much,” Ben teased making me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

  
I knew I was shaking, I could feel it, I knew he did it on purpose to upset me, to startle me and make me embarrassed in front of them. I didn’t want to be standing here next to them while he said all of this stuff. I didn’t realize it but Cole had grabbed me, probably to steady me because I was shaking so badly.

  
“Just breathe man ok? Just breathe," he was muttering as Pat and Ben stood only inches away from each other having a stare off. Pat’s head barely coming up to under Ben’s nose.

  
“You need to fucking give him some space,” Pat hissed at my uncle.

  
“I don’t need to do anything you need to respect your betters,” Ben said smiling but the smile not reaching his eyes.

  
“Man I am so fucking tired of you!” Pat said through clenched teeth, “I am so tired of the way you think he’s your fucking plaything what is wrong with you? Why do you have to be such a fucking freak? Why can’t you just leave him alone?”

  
“Woah, Pat,” Cole said still holding onto me still holding me up, “You need to calm down you aren’t going to help things here.”

  
“Better listen to your friend there Paddy,” My Uncle smirked, “Unless of course you don’t mind the fact that I’m going to tell Connor somethings that will get me buried balls deep in the that sweet ass.”

  
That cold ice started filling my veins making me feel like shit. I closed my eyes trying to block out the feeling of his hands on my skin and Cole rubbed my shoulders, “No focus on me, focus on me John, come on he’s not here he didn’t say that you have to stay with me here ok?” Cole urged me trying to keep me from freaking out.

  
“You motherfucker,” Pat swore looking at him as Ben pushed him out of the way to get to Cole and I, Cole not letting go of my shoulders but moving backwards fast away from him. I closed my eyes and held my breath as I felt Cole’s footing go knowing I was about to land back in the pool and sure enough. There I was back in the pool. Cole swam to the other side of the pool climbing out that side and using that gate to escape the water still pouring from his clothes. Ben dived in the pool before I had time to react, pushing me hard up against the wall sending a tingle through my back as my spine impacted with the side of the pool making everything feel slow again. He grabbed me roughly by the throat but didn’t squeeze before he shoved his tongue in my mouth tasting of booze and chips.

  
I sputtered and coughed his kiss forcing the chlorine water in my mouth down my throat as his other hand found it’s way down the back of my jeans which were already starting to fall off me the weight of the water and gravity pulling them down. I didn’t want this I didn’t want his hands on me, rubbing against my skin making my whole body crawl and feel sick. I wanted this to stop I wanted him away from me. I grabbed his hand that was latched around my throat and went to dig my nails into the back of it before he smiled at me coldly, “You could do that but I could just drown you for it, I”d think very carefully if I were you before I did anything.”

  
I froze. Thinking about it carefully Scanning the area for Pat, for anyone that would make me feel calmer as I let him do whatever it was he wanted to me. I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  
“Hey,” I heard Pat say above my head and Ben loosened his grip on my neck, “Yeah you like what you see?” Pat coaxed him, “Come get it.”

  
“I see," he said pulling me away from the wall of the pool out towards the center his hands working to push my legs loose of my jeans, “What if I want him more?" he asked Pat his hands pushing my underwear off my body so that I was naked from the waist down the cold water feeling even more invading against my skin with no barriers to keep it out his hand on my left ass cheek his fingers teasing in away I didn’t want them to be making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“Leave him alone,” Pat said jumping in the pool naked.

  
“Yes Ben leave him alone you don’t have permission I told him he could have his friends over, now let them have their time,” Da said behind me making me close my eyes thinking of what the scene looked like Pat naked in the pool in front of Da my bottom obviously exposed my uncle holding me tightly against his side one of his fingers nearly half way up my ass.

  
Ben sighed looking at me, “Later," he said letting me go suddenly getting up out of the pool and walking away.

  
“You Paddy, put some clothes on before I tell your dad you’re a pervert and you, just find your pants. I’ll see you for lunch all right?” Da said shaking his head and walking away.

  
I was shivering the water cold against my skin as Pat turned looking for anyone that might be lingering not too far away before he came to me wrapping his arms around me and kissing my cheek, “You ok Rabbit?”

  
“That was close, he was going to…,” I trailed off as he hushed me kissing my lips lightly at first and then for longer, deeper until I let his tongue slide past my lips my whole body relaxing into his as he wrapped his arms around the small of my back.

  
After a minute he broke the kiss pulling back looking at me he sighed, brushing some wet hair out of my face making me smile slightly. I loved him. I really did I loved him and I wanted to be with him. I felt safe with him. “You’re safe.” He muttered into my neck his hands still on my back as I wrapped my legs around his waist and his eyes went wide.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Well you don’t have any pockets so I’d say you’re probably happy to see me," he teased.

  
“Well yes, I am,” I said nodding my head blushing slightly at the mention, “It’s not my fault you’re naked.”

  
“That is very true," he said slowly spinning us in a circle the water lapping at us gently, “ I wish I could take you away from this.” He whispered into my neck smiling sadly.

  
I nodded my head. Just the thought that he loved me that much making my heart ache, “ I know babe,” I answered his hands counting my ribs with his fingers as he leaned us against the pool wall grinding against me his hardness against my leg as mine was against his sending sparks up my spine every time his leg moved, “I thought we weren’t going to…” I trailed off as he bumped his knee against me making my mouth go wide.

  
“It’s just knees," he muttered biting my lip lightly, “And we’re in water. No hands," he did it again, “Not really breaking any rules you think?”

  
“Oh god,” I muttered as he bumped against me his hands going lower to my ass making my heart flutter, “You sure?” I asked burying my head in his neck kissing.

  
We kept going. The friction and the water doing most of the work for us until we both reached our desired goal gasping and laughing me holding onto him my legs still wrapped around his waist as he held onto the side of the pool both of us catching our breaths before we heard someone clear their throat causing us both to freeze dead.

  
“I don’t know what you guys are doing out here but you and I need to talk,” Will said avoiding looking at me setting two towels down by the side of the pool. I pulled my shirt off figuring it wasn’t doing me any good he already knew what I wasn’t wearing and got up wrapping a towel around my waist as I helped Pat out and he did the same.

  
“You really want to talk about it?” I asked him looking at him closely.

  
“Kind of yeah," he said.

  
“Talk about what? Pat asked me confused for a second and then his face dawned an expression of understanding, “Oh! Do you want me to go inside?" he asked me.

  
“You told him?!” Will asked a look of horror on his face.

  
“Hey, he didn’t give me any details and don’t act like it doesn’t happen ok? You know many times Cole and I have been unfortunately close?” Pat said wording it carefully.

  
“Really? Will said, “You’re going to compare that to what they made us do?”

  
“Well, I don’t know what they made you do exactly because I wasn’t there and like I said Rabbit didn’t offer any details because you know he doesn’t really talk about that stuff,” Pat said looking at me.

  
I felt like someone had take a cement truck and poured the cement down my throat and into my stomach. I didn’t know what to do and I had never gone from slightly still turned on to completely and utterly horrified. I didn’t want to talk about this with my brother and my boyfriend especially because it had just hit me how I had basically dry humped my boyfriend when last night my brother had blown me before I had sex with my da.

  
“Come on let’s go find clothes first,” Pat said as I nodded my head numbly and he grabbed my hand. We went into the house and to the laundry room where we both ended up putting on my clothes. I handed him a pair of gray PJ pants and a yellow tshirt while I grabbed a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt and then we went out into the kitchen where Will was sitting waiting. He cleared his throat looking at the two of us and Pat smiled squeezing my hand, “You going to be all right?" he asked me.

  
I nodded my head reluctantly. Talking about it wouldn’t help me but I knew talking about it would help Will so I was going to try my best to suck it up and listen to what he had to say about it. How he felt about it, I knew it was how he processed things and that this because it happened with me he needed me in order to help process it. I sighed sitting down and looking at him waiting for him to start saying what he felt he needed to say.

  
“Well,” Will looked at me and then Pat, “I want to start with I’m sorry.”

  
“So am I,” I said nodding my head, “You don’t hate me?”

  
“No,” Will shook his head at me, “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault John I know that. I know you didn’t exactly want to do that especially since you’ve been trying your hardest to protect me from it my whole life. Are you going to hate me for it?”  
I shook my head in response, “You know I didn’t mean for that to happen right, the…well that it just happened because he was…”

  
“Basically jacking you off in my face? Yeah I’m well aware your body had a normal response that’s how it usually happens. What I don’t understand however is why on earth you threw yourself at Uncle Ben he could have really hurt you.” Will said.

  
“You were screaming I did the only thing I could think of,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Well did you really want to be spit roasted in a front of me? Because I certainly didn’t enjoy seeing it happen.” Will said and I felt my face instantly going red because he had said it so bluntly and reminded me of what had happened.

  
“Will!” Pat hissed looking at my face, “Really? You have to talk like that about it really?”

  
“Sorry Pat but how else am I supposed to put it? Da shoved his dick down John’s throat while Ben shoved his up his business end that is what they call it isn’t it? Spit roasting,” Will said.

  
“You’re going to give him a panic attack talking about it like that,” Pat said shaking his head.

  
“No, I’m ok,” I said even though I could feel my body shaking as I tried to force the memory away running a hand through my hair, “I would rather it be me than you.”

  
“You have any idea how much crap Ben has put me through what he was doing to me there was nothing compared to what he has done in the past, I was ok it’s just he, hit something the wrong way so I kind of screamed ok?” Will said not able to look me in the face as he said it.

  
“ How are they doing?” I asked looking at Will referring to my other brothers who hadn’t seen what had happened to Will but had watch Da blow me and then my uncle pound me into the dining room table.

  
“Scared,” Will answered, “James doesn’t understand why Da would do that especially in front of us and why he would let Uncle Ben hurt you like that. Matt is just confused apparently because he doesn’t quite get why Da would let Ben do that in front of Da to you and Mike has just gone silent he hasn’t said a word, hasn’t asked any questions hasn’t talked to anyone and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s traumatized or what but he’s just not speaking.”

  
“Can you tell me what happened?” Pat asked directing the question at Will and not at me because he knew I wouldn’t tell him that. He knew it was too close that it was too painful for me to talk about but that obviously it was a pretty big deal whatever had happened because all of my little brothers had seen it.

  
“Uncle Ben held him still while Da gave him a blow job,” Will said, “And then he let Uncle Ben rape him on the dining room table in front of us.”

  
“That’s not normal for even brotherhood members by any means,” Pat said, “That’s just psychological torture.”

  
“I can’t pretend to know why he did it,” Will commented, “He just did.”

  
“I’m not sure I know how to talk to them about it,” I said addressing my own feelings about what had happened, “I should have fought harder. Said something, did something I don’t know.”

  
“What do you mean John?” Will asked frowning at me confused, “You screamed No at them you told them not to you tried to get away, you did I was there I saw it and anyone that was there would have to be an idiot to think you didn’t try your hardest to make sure it didn’t happen. You threw yourself at Uncle Ben knowing very well you were probably going to get hurt but you did it anyway for me. How on earth could you have fought harder?”

  
“Da when he made you…,” I trailed off I couldn’t finish the sentence.

  
“You heard what he said, he was going to lock us downstairs until we relented and did it anyway I just took out that part of the equation so we could move on with our lives. I wasn’t even that good at it he had to Jack you off for you to actually orgasm,” Will answered.

  
“Only because you were getting…” I trailed off again.

  
“What my ass eaten? Yeah that was kind of distracting,” Will said shaking his head, “If Da wouldn’t have done that though you wouldn’t have given them what they wanted though I’m sure of it. I’m not stupid I knew you didn’t want me to do that just like I know you are very aware I didn’t want to. I don’t blame you John I really don’t none of this was your fault.”

  
“ should have fought harder,” I said again shaking my head as Pat put a hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me.

  
“Rabbit," he sighed looking at me closely, “You’re 13 you’re not strong enough to fight off two grown men ok? Give yourself a break. Be nice to yourself you tried your hardest all right? Please be nice to my Rabbit ok?" he said hugging me allowing me to wrap my arms around his back and bury my head in his chest trying to hide the fact from Will that I was getting ready to cry that I felt like complete and utter shit because I hadn’t been able to stop them from exposing my younger siblings to that. To me.

  
Will sighed heavily almost like he was somewhere between frustrated and defeated. I knew it was hard from him, Will. Taking care of them and worrying about me, not letting him take care of me while he had to sit there and watch my brain slowly rot from all the pain that Da was causing me, he put his hand on my shoulder, “John none of this is your fault," he said rubbing my shoulder lightly as Pat held me trying to comfort me.

  
“Sometimes I think it is,” I mumbled into Pat’s chest holding onto him tightly as he held me tightly.

  
“Why?” Will whispered quietly.

  
“If I wasn’t me then maybe Uncle Ben never would have done what he did and Da never would have thought it was a good idea to do it too,” I said stating that fear to one of my family members for the first time.

  
That I was afraid my life was because of me. That if I hadn’t been so handsome or beautiful or whatever the fuck people wanted to call it, that if I hadn’t been so nice and so sweet as a baby that maybe Uncle Ben would have never shoved his Dick down my throat never even thought of it. That if he hadn’t of done that Da would have never started climbing into my bed at night, never started hurting me and in turn never would have hurt anyone else. Saying it out loud was almost too much for me to handle and if Pat hadn’t been holding me tightly I would have gone for the first sharp object I could find and sliced my skin open peeling it back to get to the veins and muscle underneath and then ripped them apart.

  
“Their sick Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “It has nothing to do with who you are, their sick and you were just a little boy that wanted people to love him. They saw that and they took advantage they would have done that to any little boy.” He ran his fingers through my hair trying to sooth me as Will still rubbed my back.

  
“He’s right you know?” Will agreed with Pat, “It doesn’t matter what you look like, who you were they still would have done it because they wanted to. You didn’t make them do anything they didn’t already want to do or weren’t already thinking about.”

  
“Where is Cole?” Pat asked as it dawned on him Cole wasn’t around but was supposed to be over at my house.

  
“Upstairs,” Will answered before Pat and I could start freaking out, “I left him up there with the kids and Alice because I’d rather they weren’t alone with her. Who knows what bullshit she’d fill their heads with. I’m convinced she’s a freak.”

  
“ If your da hired her she probably is,” Pat said, “You ready to go upstairs Rabbit?" he whispered in my ear kissing my cheek lightly.

  
“I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I said shaking my head trying to shake the memory out of my brain, the memory of what they did last night. Why my little brothers were probably so traumatized.

  
“Ok well, Will and I will talk to them about it if they have to you don’t need to talk about it ok?” Pat tried to reassure me.

  
“Matt’s going to want to talk about it with me and I don’t think I can handle that,” I said standing up on my own too feet and pinching the bridge of my nose thinking about how hard of a conversation that would be him staring at me with that look asking those questions that cold smile in his eyes even if it wasn’t on his lips.

  
“I’ll deal with Matt ok,” Will said clapping me on the shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze before we started moving towards the second floor.


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Will get dragged downstairs where bad things happen along with Pat and Cole. Anger and frustration come to a sudden boil while being stuck in confined courters. Da confronts John and Patrick about how he suspects they might have a relationship forming and gives them a warning that he's watching them. John is so close to breaking and Will is stressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 90 to 108: warnings, Mental health issues, Emotional abuse, physical abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, fighting, delinquent behavior, Rape/non-con, bondage, forced consumption of bodily fluids, blind folding, sensory deprivation rape, injury, threats, gang rape, all underage

Just as we got to the stairs the back door opened and I turned to look at who it was before Pat could stop me. It was Leo and Hank. I felt like the floor had been pulled out from under me as both Will and Pat grabbed me in order to keep me from falling down the stairs.

  
They both looked at us that look in their eyes that told me what they wanted. What they were excepting, why they had come.

  
“God he’s changed,” Hank said raising his eyebrows slightly at me.

  
“Dad why are you here?” Pat hissed as Will tried to pull me up the stairs and Pat shoved us behind him so we could keep ascending.

  
“I got a call inviting me and today is my day off so here I am,” he answered Pat not taking his eyes off me, “I bet you’ve gained some inches in more than one place,” He said addressing me making my cheeks burn with heat.

  
“He has,” Leo answered him both of them giving me the same look.

  
“You have play time with him too?” He asked Leo.

  
“Yes, we do don’t we sweetheart?” He said his eyes turning back to me.

  
“John come on, you don’t have to stand here and listen to this, we can go upstairs we’re ok, come on,” Will said pulling at my arm trying to coax me up the last couple of steps. But I felt frozen. I couldn’t move it was like someone had super glued me to the spot. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say about me but I felt like I couldn’t move because I knew what they were thinking that me just moving even a tiny bit would stir them, like prey trying to run from a pack of wolves.

  
Pat stepped in front of me blocking their view, “I’m talking to you Dad look at me don’t look at him,” Pat said, “Why are you here you shouldn’t be here.”

  
“Connor told me I could be so here I am,” Hank said again shrugging his shoulders.

  
“This one is yours?” Leo asked looking at Hank.

  
“Yep this is my kid Paddy,” He said nodding his head.

  
“Nice job,” Leo commented, “I mean he’s not as beautiful as John sure but he’s still got some nice assets.”

  
“Oh, yeah that’s what everyone says wait until you see him without clothes,” Hank commented shooting Leo a sideways glance.

  
I couldn’t see his face but I saw the back of Pat’s neck turn a shade of bright pink, “I can hear you you know?” I heard him stutter the way his voice was unsteady making me angry. No one got to make him feel that way. No one was allowed to scare him. No one was allowed to make him feel like he didn’t have control I wouldn’t let them. I reached up and grabbed his shoulder careful to watch our interactions make sure they didn’t look romantic.

  
“Come on Pat,” I said quietly, “Let’s just go upstairs that way we don’t have to hear them ok?”

  
Pat swallowed and turned his head to look at me, “Ok I’m not taking my eyes off of them though they are giving me the creeps.” He said quietly as we all started walking up the stairs both Pat and I backwards in order to keep an eye on them make sure they weren’t following us.

  
We got the elevator and only once we were inside did we start to breathe again, start to relax a little bit at least for the moment. All three of us visibly shaking. I felt uneasy just because I had never heard anyone talk about Pat that way like he was a thing instead of a person where I was used to hearing them make comments like that about me all the time but to hear them do it about him, in front of him really unnerved me.

  
We got off on the fourth floor and as Pat moved to step I noticed his legs falter so I grabbed him quickly before he fell, “You ok babe?” I asked him his whole-body trembling.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be all right it’s just been a little while since… never mind I’m fine don’t worry about me. Are you ok?” He asked me wrapping his arm around my shoulder pulling me close into his side.

  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m all right,” I said, “Will?” I asked the same question without using all the words.

  
“Yeah pissed but fine. I can’t fucking believe him when is he ever going to let up?” Will muttered shaking his head.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused, not understanding, “It’s not you they are here for.”

  
“No, it’s not but that doesn’t make it any easier because I know why they are here John. You think it’s easy for me watching you completely lose it because you can’t catch a break? After last night I’m surprised you’re not just a ball of raw nerves tucked in a corner somewhere you think it’s easy watching you freak out? I understand why you are, I get completely but it’s not easy for me. It’s not easy having to explain to everyone why they have to leave you alone because they want to be with, they want to spend time with you because you’re our big brother and we love you,” Will said suddenly looking at me this lost and hurt look in his eyes.

  
“Even Matty because if he wants to spend any time with me it’s to make me squirm,” I answered.

  
“Yeah well Matty is sick I didn’t understand how sick but you realize he took nearly as man vitamins as you did when we were in Montana. Mum told me he was sick like you were sick but he’s not you know how you took antidepressants I’m pretty sure Matty wasn’t taking anti-depressants he was taking anti-psychotics. You know what that means? That means his brain doesn’t work the way our brains work that there is something wrong with him that he was born with. I didn’t realize that at first ok? I didn’t realize that until I looked up the name of one of the medications he was taking because guess what since we got back no one has been on their medication which is probably why your anxiety attacks have increased and you seem to be in a funk at least partly ok? I will deal with Matty just know Matty is sick and it’s not his fault alright?” Will said desperately.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head not sure what else I could do, what else I could say. So, Will was telling me Matty was crazy but a different kind of crazy then I was because I certainly felt crazy. Not being able to do anything besides wish I could have a fucking drink while he was right I basically slept or shivered in corners because if I wasn’t being abused I didn’t know what to do with myself. Because I literally couldn’t function because I was waiting for a door to open or a call on the com or something that would make my skin crawl and make me shut down because I was that terrified of what those things meant.

  
Will sighed and continued down the hallway leaving Pat and I by the lift staring after him. Pat sighed heavily hugging me, “This is hard on him too.”

  
“I realize, I know it’s not easy for him. He’s not supposed to be the one taking care of everyone I am and I can’t and mum’s not here so where does that leave him? I realize that I’m not stupid Pat. I understand why he’s so angry I do but there … I can’t fix it I don’t even know how to fix myself he’s right all I do is lay in my room curled in a ball crying hoping I don’t claw my skin off wishing I could die. How do I fix that?” I said closing my eyes and covering them quickly trying to keep the tears from coming.

  
“You find things to do to get through, you read, you spend time with them no matter how tired and sad you and scared you are. You write, or draw, listen to music, anything to get your mind to somewhere it can think if only for a second ok Rabbit? I know it’s hard and it’s not fair and if I could I would make this all go away but you saw them look at me. I’m nothing to them too just like you,” Pat said and for a minute his strongness, his fierceness that made him my Pat wavered and I saw another broken and scared boy looking back at me.

  
“Well, you’re not nothing to me. I love you so much and you are so important to me without you I don’t know where I’d be but I know I’d be worse. You’re my light Pat I owe everything to you,” I said hugging him tightly.

  
I thought of things I hadn’t thought of in a while standing there holding him. I thought of what it had been like before I had gotten in touch with Cole and Pat how I had spent day after day locked in his room naked, alone just waiting for him to come, to climb on top of me and do whatever he wanted for him to pull me downstairs and let his friends do things to me. How I had basically been a caged animal with no intelligent thought just going through the motions until he walked in my front door how his hair had been longer, his blue eyes the bluest I had ever remembered a person having. How he had told Hank he was a pervert when Hank commented on my body making me feel sick to my stomach. I leaned up kissing his ear making him laugh.

  
“That tickles,” He murmured looking at me closely, “I love you too. Is it wrong I’m scared for you?”

  
I shook my head slowly, “No, I’ll be fine though it’s only for a little while. Maybe it can be like last night where I went away in my head for a while. Come back when it’s over.”

  
“Wait what?” Pat asked me wrinkling his brows with worry.

  
“I don’t remember everything that happened after a while. It’s like bits and pieces are missing. After the dining room, I mean. Like first I’m there and then I’m downstairs and then I’m upstairs and things in-between I either don’t remember or the feel blurry and weird it’s hard to explain. I know I hit my head pretty hard last night when Uncle Ben slammed me against the floor but, I don’t know it’s not horrible right I mean not remembering a couple things here and there.” I answered.  
“What don’t you remember?” He asked me.

  
I felt my face grow warm feeling weird trying to recount things I didn’t remember from other sources, “Apparently, I was loud. I don’t remember any of that. I don’t…” I felt a wave of nausea overcome me. It flashed before my eyes like it was happening his hands on my skin biting my chest my neck, feeling him so deep in me it hurt. I couldn’t breathe my head ringing his voice echoing inside my brain. Before I knew it, the floor was coming up to meet me and I couldn’t stand on my own feet my heart pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode Pat’s face white with fear standing over me. He leaned down.

  
“It’s ok Rabbit, I’m sorry you’re ok don’t think about it think about being here with me,” He said grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I squeezed back. Why would I feel him? Why now why not last night when it was really happening? What was wrong with me? I felt my whole body shaking trembling. The com sizzled on the wall making Pat jump as I looked closely at it.

  
“Boys, come on down, I have some stuff I want to talk about. Cole, Pat, Will, John, come on all four of you,” Da said.

  
“Shit,” I muttered catching my breath.

  
Pat got up and marched over to the com hitting the red button that said talk “We need some time give us 10 minutes please.” He said waiting for a reply.

  
The com crackled again before I heard Da sigh on the other end “All right 10 minutes, don’t take too long I’m counting.”

  
He came back over to where I was and then grabbed my hand pulling me up, “Cole we’re going to John’s room for 10 minutes to huh play cards you want to come!” He shouted down the hall and Cole popped his head out of the living room with Will.  
“Sure, yeah,” He said nodding his head as Pat opened my bedroom door and we went inside where Pat opened the door and then pulled the smokes out of his pocket and Will and Cole joined us a minute later.

  
“You’re smoking in here?” Will asked.

  
“You breathe a word you’re dead,” I warned him as Pat handed me a smoke.

  
“He won’t,” Cole said nodding at him, “Right Will?”

  
“Can I have one?” He asked me.

  
I thought about it for a minute did I really want my 11-year-old brother smoking? No but was he less likely to tell my mum I was a smoker if I did let him smoke with us. Yes, “Ok just one.” I said to him.

  
“Awesome,” Will said more to himself than anyone else as Pat handed him one.

  
We sat there mostly in silence smoking taking turns sticking our heads out the window. I wasn’t looking forward to whatever they had planned none of us were. I sighed heavily looking at Pat. Back smiled back at me trying to reassure me that this was going to be ok that we were going to be ok but it just made me more nervous.

  
“You think this will be all night?” Will asked suddenly making me look at him. He looked nervous. I could understand why he’d only done this maybe once or twice before. Where it had been more often for me and even more often for Pat and Cole.  
“Probably,” Cole said nodding his head, “I don’t know what they are planning.”

  
“To rape us what else would they be planning?” Will asked looking at the 3 of us.

  
“Well, sometimes it’s different,” Pat said quietly, “Sometimes it’s they go one on one and like just trade us around other times it’s…” Pat stopped speaking causing a look of confusion on Will’s face. Pat didn’t even want to say it. I knew I had to that he wouldn’t get it that it wouldn’t make sense to him if I didn’t explain.

  
“Sometimes they lock some of us in a cage while all of them do one person at once,” I finished.

  
“They make you watch while they…,” Will started.

  
“No, they’re usually too occupied to see whether we’re watching or not but we have to hear it so yeah,” Cole answered, “It’s harder when they do it that way knowing you can’t do anything to help the person they are…with.”

  
“It’s not easy,” Pat said throwing his butt out the window as I did the same with mine, “You two ready?” Pat asked looking at Will and Cole.

  
“As ready as I can be,” Cole said shaking his head throwing his and Will’s butts out the window, “Let’s just get this done.”

  
We all went to the lift and stepped inside hitting the down button all silent hugging ourselves trying to stay calm. Trying to breath. I’m sure they all felt the same panic I was feeling the same scream they were restricting, trying to keep quite trapped in their chests. When the door opened on the second-floor Pat put him arm out to stop me from leaving the elevator and then let the door shut.

  
“We can do this, we’re going to be ok alright? No matter what promise me we’re going to be ok?” He said grabbing me and pressing his forehead to mine even though his voice was shaking.

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head our foreheads still touching, “We’ll be ok. We’ll be ok.” I said twice once for him and once for me before he kissed me hard and I kissed him back my tongue tickling the roof of his mouth before we broke away grabbing each other’s hands and squeezing. I hit the button to open the door back up and there were Will and Cole staring at the door waiting for us.

  
“Come on guys faster we get down there the faster they finish, hopefully,” Cole said and Pat and I nodded in agreement as we started down the steps into the kitchen.

  
When we got down there Da was sitting at the counter on a stool while Uncle Ben and Hank and Leo stood around looking in our direction smiles breaking out across their faces as we walked down the stairs one by one and stayed close to the wall on that side of the kitchen not wanting them to be close to us. Not wanting them to touch us.

  
“Nice of you to join us,” Da said looking at the four of us, “Now this is going to be simple, alright? We already decided how this is going to work you don’t need to worry about that just take off your clothes and we’ll head downstairs all right?”

  
Pat and Cole sighed pulling off their shirts and undoing their pants allowing them to fall the ground tugging their boxers down quickly so they were standing there naked Will hesitated for a minute and then followed suit. I couldn’t make myself do it, I raised my shirt hands shaking so bad I could barely lift them my mind screaming no the entire time. I felt beyond sick I couldn’t do this I couldn’t let them do whatever it was they were going to do. Pat looked over at me.

  
“John it’s ok,” Pat said quietly trying to coax me into movement, “We’re all going to be naked it’s ok it’s not just you,” He said he eyes pleading with me to just do it to make it easier on myself.

  
“He’s mine first, right?” Leo asked my eyes going wide as he took a step forward towards me.

  
Da nodded gesturing at me as if to say “have at it” and didn’t bother to really stop and look at me as Leo walked up to me inches from my face causing me to back up my back hitting the wall behind me. His hands touching my bruised ribs running his fingers along them and down to my waist where he undid my pants pulling them down with my underwear in one swipe.

  
“Can I see?” Hank said licking his lips Leo blocking his view as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders licking my cheek.

  
“Oh, yeah a quick one,” Leo said moving his body aside so Hank could see me.

  
“Nice, god I can’t wait for my turn I’ll put that cock to good use,” Hank said and I looked over seeing Pat close his eyes visibly shuddering for me as My uncle walked up to him shoving his tongue in Pat’s mouth before Pat could give any protest.  
“Come on, downstairs yeah?” Leo said grabbing me by the hand leading me downstairs to the red room with the bed. At least I knew he wasn’t going to physically hurt me just rip my soul in half his hand running across my chest as he pushed me forward and I feel backwards onto the bed. He stripped quickly grabbing a condom and lube throwing it on the bed beside me.

  
“You nice and clean for me baby?” He asked me catching me off guard as he licked up my chest sucking on my neck when he straddled me.

  
“Wha-what?” I stammered.

  
“In case I want to eat that plump pert ass of yours,” He said dragging his tongue back down my body making me flinch. He licked me like licked me licked me first down my chest and then from hip to hip making my breath catch. I didn’t want him doing this. I didn’t want him touching me like that, “Just relax.” He muttered into one of my hips before he lifted up my penis licking my balls.

  
“Woah,” I whimpered the feeling weird to me, no one having really done it like that before and he kept doing it making my body start to shake making me hard and then put his mouth around me, “No,” I said going to grab him to shove him off of me but he grabbed my hands forcing them to the sides of the bed.

  
“Did I say you could touch me?” He said shuffling forward up my body shoving my hands into the pillows above my head and then hooking a cuff around one of my wrists and then the other pulling the chains tight so that my arms were being held in place above my head, “Do what I say ok? This is my time, my body,” He said grabbing my penis the touch feeling like an electric shock to my skin. His mouth went back down where it had been before stealing my breath. I didn’t want his mouth on me, his hands cupping my balls messaging them as he blew me I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want this my body kept telling me it felt good but it didn’t. I didn’t want it to I wanted him to stop I wanted it all to stop but it didn’t matter how hard I struggled my arms were stuck and he was in-between my legs doing what he wanted to me making sure I felt every lick every move of his hand sending chills through my body.

  
“Don’t cry baby,” He said kissing my cheek pulling my legs farther apart putting the condom on and sliding two fingers into me. I really didn’t want this.

  
“Please don’t, I’m sore please don’t,” I begged pulling at my restraints starting to cry as he pushed his cock up against my butt positioning my hips.

  
“It’s ok. I’ll go slow it’s all right,” He moaned sliding into me, “God you’re always so tight.” He moaned thrusting into me.

  
“Stop,” I begged wishing he wasn’t touching me like he was that he wasn’t kissing me that his hands weren’t on my body that he wasn’t rocking back and forth inside me making my eyes go wide and my throat feel like it was closing up. I bit back any sounds my body wanted to make as he rolled his hips just like my Da had making my eyes bug out.

  
“God you’re amazing,” He moaned over top of me moving inside me my whole body shaking.

  
“Please,” I begged again throwing my head back as he hit against that one spot that always made my body relent to their demands give them what they wanted.

  
“Good huh?” He moaned, “I’m about to cum so hard inside you baby,” He moaned biting my neck as my toes started to curl him hitting that spot again, “Here it comes oh fuck yes, oh shit yeah! That’s!!!”

  
He trailed off as he came on top of me. When he was done, he pulled out his mouth finding its way back down to my dick taking it in his mouth my body already barely holding on causing me to orgasm immediately into his mouth my eyes rolling back in my head even though I was fighting it as hard as I possibly could my whole body shaking. He kissed my lips trying to get me to kiss back and I laid there numb trying to ignore him on top of me.

  
“Kiss me or I’ll kiss you somewhere else again,” He said his hand grabbing a hold of me started to pump starting to make me hard again.

  
“Please I can’t do it,” I begged him, “Please, please.”

  
“Then just kiss me,” He said kissing my lips again. I relented letting him kiss me but he didn’t stop touching me, his hands sending that cold ice rolling through my body still, making me shiver. He didn’t stop. He didn’t stop. He made me cum until I thought I couldn’t anymore until I was beyond tired and behind sick until I couldn’t think and I was just a bundle of nerves chained to a bed wanting him to stop touching me.

  
When I thought it was over, praying it was over Hank came in.

  
“NO! NO! NO!” I screamed pulling at the chains on my wrist the metal cutting into me as he stared at me laughing.

  
“Oh yeah, we’re going to have fun,” He said climbing on top of me his hands going to my hips as he used his shoulders to force my legs apart.

  
“NO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE NO!” I screamed as he put lube on his hand.

  
“Calm down, calm all right I don’t want to have to gag you while I wait for my fingers to work their magic ok beautiful?” Hank said his fingers teasing against me causing me to tense, “I’m going to make you cum so hard and I’m going to do without even touching that beautiful cock once and then we’ll have fun seeing how many times I can get you to cum into that cup over there,” he said pointing to a red party cup on the night stand, “God your body is amazing, your cock gained like an inch and half how long is it now?” He asked taking me in his hands making me jerk, “Oh right I said no touching, didn’t I? Sorry.” He mumbled biting into my neck again in the same spot Leo had kept nibbling and kissing.

  
He kissed on me like that for a while and then he shoved one finger in there as I bite my lip and closed my eyes my whole body still raw his finger almost instantly finding that spot that he knew would make me scream. I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to be able to do that to me, another finger sliding in with the other one already inside me gently prodding and poking against my prostate making me gasps for air that didn’t want in my body. It hurt. Everything hurt like my whole body was tingling like it was asleep I could feel his hands everywhere even in the places he wasn’t touching me.

  
It took everything in me not to scream because the whole thing hurt so much but he kept going, making me climax again and then he pulled his fingers out and like he promised he grabbed the cup manipulating me as many times as he wanted as many times as he could get me to climax until he was satisfied collecting it all in the cup. When he was done, he lifted it to my mouth smiling, “Drink” he said simply.

  
I clamped my mouth shut I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to taste my own cum. I couldn’t. I couldn’t make myself do that. He straddled me holding my nose shut until I had to open my mouth to breath and then tipped the contents of the cup into my mouth. Holding my mouth shut to make me swallow. It tasted thick and gross like snot and runny eggs and salty like nothing I had ever remembered really tasting before. I felt sick to my stomach and I was crying, screaming begging him to stop touching me as he hands went back to wandering my body, making me want to cut my skin off. When he was done, he smiled at me forcing his tongue between my lips his hands still on my waist my hips making my skin crawl making me want to scream even though I barely had a voice left.

  
The door opened and I saw my uncle come in. If I could have I would have curled into a ball and died. I didn’t want him touching me everything hurt, my whole body hurt. I tried to scream but found I only could make a horse sounding moan. I started crying the silent tears dripping down my face as I shook my head.

  
“Your Da knows your limits that’s for sure. I want to god do I want to but he said you’re done for right now but when I get my turn god I’m going to make you squeal like a pig as I stuff my cock in your mouth. Make you scream and gasps as I make you cum oh so good,” He said before he undid my chains throwing me over his shoulder holding onto my ankles to carry me back to the other room. When we got there, I felt someone grab me around the waist and I tried to scream my throat so sore I could barely make a sound before they lowered me onto what I thought was the floor before I opened my eyes realizing it was the cage.

  
“John?” Pat said quietly trying to calm me down but I dragged myself as far away from him and anyone else that was near me as possible.

  
“It hurt, it hurts it hurts don’t touch me, don’t, don’t touch me!” I managed to rasp curling into a ball around myself.

  
“No one is going to touch you John, No one is touching you, all right?” He said holding his hands up where I could see them.

  
I felt broken, every cell in my body on fire. I didn’t want to feel like that if I could have been someone else, I would have. If I could have felt anything else even if it was nothing that was preferable to having every cell in my body screaming at me, tingling like it was alive and had a million bugs crawling over every inch.

  
“This is what they do to him?” Will asked quietly like he was afraid watching me from where he had his knees tucked under his chin using his legs to hid himself and his exposed body from everyone.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head and I could see the wetness in his eyes that he was trying to hide from Will the fear and the worry he was feeling, “Yeah this is what they do. I’ve never seen him this bad.”

  
“What do they do to make him like that?” Will asked Pat quietly his eyes still on me.

  
“Well, you know how they like to make you…climax?” Pat said carefully watching my face for any signs of me getting more unsettled to which I remember shaking my head and mumbling no to myself.

  
“Yeah are you saying they make you do that over and over until you blow a fuse?” Will asked.

  
“Blow a fuse?” Pat asked confused.

  
“Like an electrical circuit, if you put too much electrical energy into it it blows a fuse and quits working like his body is a breaker and his head is fuse they put too much energy into him so he quit working he’s blown a fuse and needs his fuse changed now,” Will explained.

  
“That is actually a very good analogy for what it feels like yeah, so I suppose yes that’s exactly what they do,” Pat answered.

  
I heard a noise that made me jump the cage rattling underneath us as Pat put out and arm and moved Will behind him. He looked up and found Hank staring at us, staring at me.

  
“Dad what do you want?” Pat asked bravely, shouldn’t you be entertaining yourself somewhere else.

  
“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Hank said licking his lips.

  
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see him didn’t want to think about him or feel him on my skin like I still did I squeezed my eyes shut and clapped my hands over my ears. So, I’m not sure what happened or what was said for a while but no one stopped me from it, no one tried to make me listen or touched me even though after a while I could hear a muffled voice softly talking to me, addressing me trying to say something. I swallowed and opened my eyes to see Hank was gone and it was just Pat and Will looking at me Will’s eyes wide and fearful and Pat’s face filled with worry as he spoke to me loud enough so I could hear though my hands.

  
“John, he’s gone you’re in the cage he’s not going to touch you, you’re behind me you’re safe he can’t touch you if you’re behind me, not without going through me first ok?” He said.

  
I remember feeling numb everything about me feeling like static my brain rushing in a million different directions at once. I kept feeling like I was getting zapped every couple of seconds for a while my whole body jerking as Will and Pat watched me closely.  
“Why is he twitching like that?” Will asked Pat after a second.

  
“I don’t know, John why are you jerking like that?” Pat asked watching me closely.

  
“They’re under my skin, I feel them under my skin,” I barely managed to choke out my whole body on fire with this cold heat my brain just static everything they had done running through my head. I felt cold and like I couldn’t breathe like nothing made sense like I just wanted out.

  
“You’re ok,” Pat said and I could see him holding back the urge to approach me, to touch me, “It’ll stop, you’re already twitching less.”

  
I nodded my head not believing him but wanting him to know I had heard him. I didn’t want him to touch me but I still wanted to feel his hands to know I was safe because I felt anything but safe. Whereas his hands made me feel safe, made me feel stable like things would really be ok even if they weren’t going to be.

  
The door opened with bang and we looked over to see Cole being carried in by Hank his body limp blood running down his legs. Whatever they had done to him they really hurt him badly. They opened the cage placing him on the floor of it next to Pat who grabbed him pulling him backwards as hand reached towards Will to pull him out.

  
“NO!” I managed to shout surprising everyone causing Hank to smile.

  
“You going to take his place Johnny?” He asked me making me shiver. I wanted to, even in my panic induced haze I didn’t want to subject my brother to any pain or suffering I nodded my head starting to slide forward.

  
“John, you can’t,” Will said looking at me horrified, “I’ll do it don’t listen to him please, just take me.”

  
“I can see why your dad either likes you two together or completely separate otherwise he’d spent all night fighting with who he is going to give it to,” Hank said shaking his head, “John looks a little worn out so Will come on.”

  
Will nodded his head bravely straightening his shoulders and sucking his chest to make himself look bigger braver and he climbed out letting Hank lead him away by the shoulders as we watched silently. I couldn’t bring myself to think about it. To think about all the things they were doing to him that they were making him hate himself, hate his body like they had done to me. The door shut and there was only silence. Cole awake but not speaking, looking like he had gotten run over by a train.

  
“Oh Cole, come on Wingman say something,” Pat said grabbing Cole’s hand and giving it a squeeze in order to show support.

  
“Jesus fucking Christ it burns,” Cole muttered holding his stomach curled in the fetal position.

  
“I bet,” Pat said nodding his head, “What did they do to you?”

  
“I can’t even… I’m not even going to talk about it it’s, not something you tell your brother,” Cole said.

  
“Well at least I know it didn’t make you hot otherwise you’d be all about telling me,” Pat said causing Cole to laugh lightly which made him hiss in pain.

  
“Sorry,” Pat said looking at my eyes watching them carefully, “Rabbit are you coming back?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders slowly, “I’ve been here just…”

  
“I know, I get it,” Pat said looking at me, “I understand.”

  
“I feel cold,” I said shaking my head.

  
“well we’re all butt ass naked of course you feel cold probably a bit of a breeze on your nut sack too,” Cole said laughing and then hissing in pain again as Pat shook his head.

  
“Man, quit making yourself laugh you’re going to kill yourself if you’re not careful,” Pat mused.

  
“When I’m scared I have inappropriate humor you know that?” Cole said winking at me.

  
I shook my head not cracking a smile, “I didn’t mean like that type of cold just like…inside it’s just cold.”

  
“You still feel them under your skin?” Pat asked quietly.

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say what to do really. I didn’t have any idea how this was ever going to stop if it was ever going to stop. For all I knew I was going to spent the rest of my life locked in that basement in that cage waiting for them to come back for me. Even as I felt my voice becoming less sore more normal I still couldn’t find the motivation to use it like I should be, sentences short, broken into pieces. My speech just not making sense. I knew I wasn’t making sense but I couldn’t get my mouth around the words that wanted to come out of my brain correctly just as my brother had described before he was pulled away I had a fuse blown.

  
“Dude, just say it, I see it in your face,” Cole said looking at Pat.

  
Pat shook his head staring at me sadly. I could see it in his face too. He wanted to comfort me but he knew how important it was he didn’t touch me. He understood that he needed my permission before his hands got near my skin because I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t feel in control and he wanted to make sure I was aware I had that control with him and that I always would.

  
I sighed and reached my hand out asking him to grab it without words and he did. He grabbed my hand and held it lightly looking into my eyes nodding his head at me. Letting me know I was ok that we were going to be ok and I started to relax. His thumb massaging the back of my hand lightly starting to silence the static in my skin, starting to make me feel warm again.

  
I don’t remember how long we were done there but they didn’t come get me again. They took him away after a while and then when they were finished with him they brought him back setting him down in the cage his whole body twitching and shivering just like mine had, his brain probably hazy and fogged over like mine had been. He didn’t speak for a while but I curled up close to him before he pulled me to him wrapping his arms around me as I wrapped mine around him letting him know I was there that we were together and that made everything feel ok even if it wasn’t. They didn’t spend a lot of time in the second red room with the cage pulling us out at different points and into the other room doing what they wanted and then dumping us back. It felt like days but for all I knew it was only hours until they came for me again.

  
It was my Da and he didn’t take me the next room like I thought they were instead he took me over to the corner to that weird table with stirrups and locked my legs into it strapping my thighs into the device so that I couldn’t close my legs strapping my arms down to the table as well. I don’t remember starting to scream but they put a blind fold on me all four of them around me and I could hear everyone else screaming too. Pat begging them to leave me alone telling them that I wasn’t ready yet that I wasn’t normal yet. And then the ear plugs went in.

  
I couldn’t see or hear anything all I could do was feel, feel their hands on me, their tongues so many tongues at once. Tongues and teeth running across my skin making me scream, making me beg for them to stop. I felt like a piece of meat laid bare on a table to be picked apart and devoured. I felt someone pry my mouth open and shove themselves into it and I knew what it was I wasn’t stupid and I didn’t try to scream even though my whole body was vibrating with the energy their hands were putting into my skin, into my body my tactile senses heightened their tongues and teeth and hands and nail against my skin making me want to scream. If I was screaming I couldn’t hear it. I could only feel what they were doing to me which made it that much more terrifying.

  
I felt someone push into me hard without warming me up no fingers, only their penis while I felt someone else their mouth around me. I knew by then I was probably screaming and just couldn’t hear it my arms and legs straining against the bindings that were holding me down I could hear my voice ringing in my ears begging them to stop but heard only silence in return their hands doing whatever they wanted. I felt like they were laughing at me as I tried my hardest to make sure I didn’t make any sounds that sounded like I was enjoying it even though a couple of moans escaped from me after a while my whole body still vibrating with the static electricity they had put into it my whole being a raw bundle of nerves that wouldn’t stop moving wouldn’t stop tingling.

  
I don’t know how long they had me tied down but when they were done I was sorer then I ever remembered being before besides that very first time. When they took out the ear plugs I heard them laughing and bragging to each other, complementing each other and then I felt breath against my neck making me tense as someone started to unshackle me.

  
“You did great baby, really great,” My Da breathed licking my neck again in that spot that I knew was now beyond black and blue as I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from outright sobbing as hands continued to release me four hand yanking me up from the table where they had kept me chained down and lifting me before taking the blind fold off, four hands that shoved me past the bars and back into the cage as the blindfold was pulled from my eyes the light of the room blinding me.

  
They grabbed someone else and it wasn’t long before the screaming started as I sat at the back of the cage rocking back and forth holding my knees tightly to my chest keeping my eyes shut and hoping just hoping they were done with me. I remember everything feeling like it was taking forever, like the screaming would never stop the pleading, like we would never be let out of there almost like I was under water waiting for the person holding me under to allow me to surface to decide I was allowed to live.

  
Then the screaming stopped. Silence. Dead silence and they opened the cage again dropping Cole back inside it and they locked the cage back up. I opened my eyes to see them getting dressed and they left us there. I didn’t know what they were planning none of us did and looking at the faces sitting with me I could see their fear, the same fear I had written on their faces. I wanted to reach out to try and comfort them but that felt dangerous. I was beyond scared, my mouth felt like it didn’t know how to work my brain foggy any words I had to say not processing enough to make it to my lips and out of my mouth until he spoke. Will spoke very quietly almost so much so it was hard for me to hear, to understand but him speaking broke the silence.

  
“What are they doing?” He mumbled his arms wrapped tightly around his knees the same way everyone else was sitting.

  
“Going to sleep?” Cole said sounding more like a question than an actual answer shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Probably,” Pat agreed nodding his head.

  
“They aren’t going to let us out?” Will swallowed before he asked.

  
“It means they’re not done,” Cole answered quietly his eyes staring at nothing.

  
“Oh,” Will said sadly, the sound barely escaping his lips and he hugged himself tighter, “Are they just going to keep us down here?”

  
“Until they decide they are done yeah,” Pat answered him, “It’ll be ok we’ll be fine they won’t kill us, they can’t without permission.”

  
“I’m not worried about that,” Will said, “He’s not normal, he’s not going to be ok.”

  
“Rabbit?” Pat said looking at me looking closely into my eyes, “You ok?”

  
“I’m in the cage,” I said not exactly sure what I meant by saying it but my brain felt like static, tired my body sore.

  
“Yeah Rabbit, you’re in the cage,” Pat said nodding his head watching me closely, “You in there somewhere?”

  
“Yeah, I…sorry,” I managed to answer.

  
“You have nothing to be sorry about ok?” Pat answered holding out his hand waiting for me to take it.

  
“I want them to stop,” I said shaking my head.

  
“I know Rabbit me too,” Pat said, “How is everyone else?”

  
“I’ll be fine,” Cole sighed from where he was laying curled in a ball, “That was fucking bizarre though I can’t…no.”

  
Will looked at Pat and then thought for a minute, “Are they going to do that to me, that thing with the mask?”

  
He was pale and shaking his whole being seemed beyond scared. I wanted to comfort him to tell him it would be ok even though if they did that it wouldn’t be but I had no idea what to say it was almost as if I couldn’t wrap my head around how to make him feel safe because nothing felt safe. Not even the hands that I wished could touch me. Pat’s hands I wanted to feel them on my skin I wanted to be comforted but the idea of feeling anyone against my skin made me tremble, made me feel a quickening of my heart and a panic rise in my chest.

  
“I don’t know Will,” Pat answered him honestly, “I will try and do everything I can to make sure they don’t and I’m sure if John was ok he would tell you the same thing.”

  
“I can’t do that please I can’t,” Will said as he sniffled and I knew he was trying to hide his tears because of me.

  
I sighed uncoiling myself slowly knowing I had to try and snap out of it that I had to try and be strong for my baby brother who was beyond terrified that they were going to do to him what they had done to me my skin still crawling, “I’ll try to keep you safe,” I promised him looking at me closely.

“What did it feel like?” Will asked me suddenly catching me off guard.

  
“It hurt,” I answered simply. Not wanting to describe the way their teeth felt against my skin how the tingles and chills it send through my body were still happening how I had screamed out because it hurt in a different way than just physically how it had hurt really deep down the fact that I couldn’t stop them, the fact that I had no control over what they were doing to me where they were putting their hands or even the fact that I couldn’t keep myself from screaming, from making sounds.

  
“Yeah,” Cole agreed with me not really looking at anyone still, “I just hope they don’t do that again couldn’t even fucking tell who was doing what.”

  
“Language,” Pat told Cole.

  
“You know I’ve made out with him, right? And John talks like that all the time in front of me,” Will said looking at Pat and frowning.

  
“And we’re locked in a cage naked together in a sex dungeon,” Cole added.

  
“That doesn’t mean we get to talk like that in front of someone who is 11,” Pat said.

  
“You mean just because we’re being treated like animals doesn’t mean we get to talk like fucking animals? Awesome thanks,” Cole sneered.

  
“Hey I didn’t put you down here don’t take this out on me,” Pat said staring at him.

  
“I know you didn’t but I’m sure you didn’t help, messing around with your boyfriend in the pool especially here of all places really? I mean come on Pat maybe if you two could keep your hands off each other they might be less interested,” Cole hissed.

  
“What?” Will asked a looked of confusion crossing his face, “Boyfriend but I thought that the two of you were over?”

  
“We’re just friends,” Pat answered.

  
“Friends that need to dry hump each other,” Cole said.

  
“Excuse you I don’t get on your case about Kristoff or Caleb or anything else so back the fuck off at least he’s just one person and I can’t do anything with him anyway,” Pat answered defensively.

  
“Oh, yeah that’s right your fucking kept boy,” Cole said rolling his eyes, “Like that will stop you?”

  
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here Cole and you know this isn’t on him,” I said finally finding my voice.

  
“No, it’s not on him, is it? It’s on you, you’re their plaything we just came over at the wrong time, right?” Cole said.

  
“Cole, you don’t shut the fuck up I will sock you so hard you’ll be knocked into last week so shut your mouth,” Pat warned him.

  
“He’s right it is my fault,” I said.

  
“NO! NO! IT” S NOT ALL three of you stop it! STOP IT!” Will screamed at us, “We’re stuck here and they are torturing all of us not just one of us all of us we’re all here ok this isn’t anyone’s fault but theirs this is what they want they want us at each other’s throats ok? So, knock it off taking our anger out on each other because we are mad at them doesn’t help anything. We’re all tired, we’re all sore and we’re all stuck here so let’s try and sleep.”

  
Cole looked like he had swallowed a lemon like his attention at been drawn to his own behavior in a way he didn’t like. He was angry about being stuck here just like I was and just like Pat was and he had just had the fact that he was taking his angry out on everyone but the people that deserved to be on the receiving end of it. He sighed, “John, I’m sorry I didn’t…”

  
“Yeah you did mean it but it’s true so it doesn’t matter,” I answered not looking at him.

  
“No, it’s not true and it does matter I’m sorry ok? I shouldn’t have said it and I didn’t mean it,” Cole insisted.

  
“It’s true though,” I said again.

  
“HEY!” Pat yelled causing me to jump to look at him, “It’s not true. I don’t care what they make you feel this is not on you it’s on them they made this choice not you, you didn’t do this ok Rabbit?”

  
I didn’t know what to say his eyes fierce staring straight into me I sighed and nodded my head. It didn’t feel true. It felt like it was my fault because they were the four people who couldn’t keep their hands off of me it seemed like everyone else was just there so they had someone else to play with while they were trading off on me.

  
I noticed Pat was still staring at me intently, “What?” I asked biting my lip.

  
“Can I hug you?” Pat asked me quietly almost so quietly I didn’t hear him but I nodded my head in response uncoiling myself from the ball I had formed even more as he scooted up beside me pulling me into his arms gently.

  
At first I was shaking just having his hands on me too much and then he lovingly pulled my head against his chest and I felt my body starting to settling unexpectedly, starting to relax into his as he rubbed my back his hands not going anywhere they shouldn’t be. The feel of his chest against my cheek, my face. I breathed him in deep his scent flooding me making me feel safe for the first time in what felt like forever.

  
“You’re ok,” he said as he laid down with me. I allowed myself to close my eyes even if it was just to hide the fact that I was crying from Cole and Will.

  
I must have fallen asleep because Pat was shaking me awake as the door knob turned as everyone was rubbing their eyes. It was Leo and my Da and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Before I knew it, I was sitting at the back of the cage my back pressed so hard against the bars I could feel them digging into my skin. Their eyes weren’t on anyone else Da staring right at me. I knew they were there for me, I knew what they wanted to do to me. I felt like I was drowning again everything felt muffled the blood rushing around my head.

  
“Hi,” Leo said looking at the cage but his eyes mostly staying on me, “Here’s the plan, we’re going to draw straws the person who gets the short straw stays for one more round everyone else can leave.”

  
“Pat,” I mouthed as Pat looked at me and I wasn’t able to stop the shaking or panic because I knew they were going to find a way to make the short straw be mine that I was going to pay for this.

  
“It’s ok John,” Pat whispered to me grabbing my hand allowing me to squeeze it as hard as I possibly could, “It’s ok.”

  
“No straws I’ll do it,” Pat said bravely causing every face to turn and look at him.

  
“No, we’re doing straws,” Leo insisted, “If no one wants to draw a straw I’ll draw for each of you and tell you which one is yours. Any takers?”

  
No one moved to grab a straw from my Da so Leo sighed, “Ok this straw,” he drew his first one, “Is yours Patrick, this one,” He drew another straw that was also long, “Is yours Will and this straw look another long one is Cole’s so guess who gets the short straw?”

  
“You can’t do that to him!” Pat exclaimed, “You can’t, he’s not well he’s sick you’ve driven him to the point where he can’t even be touched.”

  
“Oh, he can be touched, you want to see?” Leo asked smiling, “Come here Johnny,” He said beckoning me forward.

  
I was shaking my head before the word came out, “No.”

  
“What’s wrong John, you scared baby?” Leo asked licking his bottom lip, “I won’t make it hurt too bad, just a little bit. Everyone else out.”

  
“I’m not letting you,” Pat said shaking his head as Cole quickly grabbed Will by the arm and my Da allowed them to pass, “You can’t do this Connor, you can’t.”

  
“What did you just call me?” My Da asked looking at Pat closely.

  
“Connor, he’s going to kill himself if you do this, he can’t take it,” Pat begged him on my behalf.

  
“And I’ll be there to stop him,” My Da answered him folding his arms across his chest staring at Pat closely.

  
“Jesus fuck Connor I’m begging you please don’t do this to him,” Pat said again.

  
“And I thought that Cole was Hank’s problem child fucking everything that moved, don’t think we don’t watch you guys don’t think we don’t know things,” He said smiling at the shocked looked on Pat’s face, “Whatever this is,” He said pointed his index finger at Pat and waving it between the two of us, “I’m watching this.”

  
“This is called fucking friendship but you wouldn’t know that if it pulled off its pants and bent over in front of you and told you to fuck it,” Pat spat because hocking a loogie and spiting it in my Da’s face.

  
My Da smiled calmly, his eyes staring daggers at Pat, “I think I want to play a game. You like games Leo?”

  
“I love games, what game?” Leo asked.

  
“Hang man with a twist,” My Da said grabbing Pat by his neck and dragging him from the cage Leo dragged a chair into the center of the room.

  
“Now Patrick we’ll see if how strong this friendship is,” My Da nearly growled you take your eyes off of him for one second and I will hang him, and he won’t be breathing again until your eyes go back to him you understand me, you’re the witness. Johnny here is the Hanging man,” he said as Leo climbed half way into the cage and grabbed my foot dragging me out before I had time to react, “We’re going to hang Johnny by the arms from this hook here, and put this chain around his neck anytime you look away we take the chain holding his arms off the hook understand Patrick?”

  
Pat nodded his head sitting in the chair his eyes already on me not moving, as Leo chained me up. My Da went to the door and called Hank into the room and Hank hoisted me up on the hook stringing me from the ceiling my whole center of gravity changing.

  
“I get to play too nice!” Hank said going over to the corner and taking down the whip from the wall. He didn’t even wait to whip me doing it harder than he probably intended because he hissed as I whimpered despite trying to stay silent and then I felt Leo’s hands on my hips as he laughed, running his tongue along my back either near the whip mark or on it my skin burning causing me to scream.

  
“Da,” I whimpered as Hank whipped me again and Leo stuck a finger in a place it didn’t belong.

  
“You’re all right baby I’ll make it feel better later,” Da answered not taking his eyes off of Patrick.

  
They raped me. They whipped me, they hung clothes pins off of me like I was a clothing line pinning them to my balls, my shaft, my nipples anywhere and everywhere they could think of that would hurt as they did things to me. Not once did Pat look away. I don’t think he even blinked. I only know that because they didn’t choke me. I don’t remember them finishing, I don’t remember anything but pain shifting.


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When John leaves the basement he feels the need to put himself in harms way to protect Will who has already suffered enough. Pat and John deal with the aftermath of the little get together they got to expierence dealing with their feelings about it and making it clear to each other that they still love each other when they get interrupted. Leaving John to explain some very complex feelings to James who is still a bit young to understand the difference between one person doing something with you and someone else. Ben tries to black mail John into some alone time causing him to become mortified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 108-132. Ok, I think I'll do one or two more chapters you guys I go back to school in the morning so I figured I'd leave you with a gift in case I didn't have a chance to post anytime soon. Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced Oral sex, physical abuse, underage sexual activity, consensual, sex education, invasion of privacy, bullying, sexual harassment, childhood sexual abuse.

When I woke up, when my brain started functioning again I was in the other red room in the bed my Da holding me close my arm numb. I shifted and he stirred making me immediately go still again but that didn’t stop his hand from reaching where I didn’t want it.

  
“I think you’re more than just friends with that boy,” He muttered his hand moving on me as I tried to breathe.

  
I swallowed hard trying to swallow back my tears, “Please.”

  
“Please you want me to make you cum?” He whispered into my ear picking up his pace making my breath catch.

  
Before I could even think of stopping it, it happened my whole-body shuddering with it, painful because I was so worn out leaving me seeing stars unable to think as he kissed my already beyond bruised neck.

  
“My little cum slut huh? You love to cum don’t you baby?” He muttered, “Does he make you cum like that?”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Your friend Paddy? Does he make you cum like that?” My Da asked me.

  
“We’re just friends,” I lied to him just wanting the whole thing to be over.

  
“God, I fucking want to suck you dry,” he said ripping the blankets off of me his hands prying at my already bruised knees so he could lay in-between them.

  
I wanted to scream but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t say no to him I could beg and cry and plead with anyone but him not that any of them ever listened. My whole body in pain. He blew me for what felt like forever and yet I couldn’t get it up. I couldn’t give him what he wanted which caused him to eventually stop.

  
He sighed, “That’s ok, you’re probably just tired huh?”

  
I nodded my head not looking at him my whole body tingling to the point where I felt like I was about to be sick. The bile rising in my throat. I somehow managed to push him off and run to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet. It wasn’t until I was done dry heaving that I noticed how much pain my shoulder was in a tight burning spreading from my shoulder and down into my spine. I sighed as my Da came into the bathroom.

  
“You ok baby?” He asked me looking at me where I was still bend over the porcelain bowl my head pounding as I stared down into it at my own green and yellowed colored vomit just bile from my empty stomach.

  
“My shoulder hurts,” I answered simply trying my hardest to keep that shoulder immobile. Keep it from moving and sending pain down my body. My Da stepped back as I got to my feet looking at me closely.

  
“I think it’s dislocated, I’ll call the doctor to come by all right baby?” He asked looking at me closely, “I think Hank might have pulled a little too hard earlier.

  
“Only a little?” I scoffed, “You have any idea how hard he yanked me down? I thought my arms were going to come off.”

  
“Don’t be a smart ass, I know he was a little rough I told him so, just relax all right. I’m going to go call the doctor, take a shower,” Da said to me leaving the room.

  
I climbed into the shower every other movement making me hiss in pain my shoulder throbbing with this raw hot energy. When I got out of the shower Dr. Palmer was there in the red room waiting his eyes glancing from me to my Da and back a confused look on his face horror passing across it when he saw my shoulders.

  
“What did you do?” Vic asked looking at my Da.

  
“Stripped and whipped, sucked and fucked,” My Da answered simply just hearing the saying making me cringe.

  
“Oh well, I’m going to have to reset his shoulder if you don’t want to see that I would leave for a little bit,” Vic said to my Da.

  
“You want me to stay baby?” He asked looking at me.

  
“No, I’m fine you can go,” I said not looking at him. Not wanting to look at him knowing what he was seeing and how it made him feel, me naked only covered by a sheet my bare chest exposed my scars clearly visible.

  
“Ok, I’ll be upstairs,” He said.

  
Vic waited until the door was closed and then waited a few more moments and then checked to see if he was still out in the hallway when he was gone he sighed, “Are you ok?” he asked looking at me seriously.

  
“DO I look ok?” I asked half laughing.

  
“Point taken,” Vic said quietly, “I think they tried to eat your neck.”

  
“NO kidding,” I scoffed, “You know how bad this hurts?”

  
“I can imagine it looks like someone smacked you with a baseball in the neck use some vinegar it will help pull the color out of it. What about everything else besides the shoulder?” He asked looking at me closely.

  
I just shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t want to talk about how much pain I was in how my skin was still crawling, still burning with that cold fire no matter how long their hands had been off me, how I was sore in places I didn’t even remember could be sore.

  
“You can talk to me,” he said looking at me his eyes pleading with me to open up.

  
“They locked my mum up,” I answered, “He hasn’t stopped since I got back. I’d rather be dead. What is there to talk about?”

  
“Sounds like a lot to talk about actually,” He said walking up and standing in front of me making me scoot back, “I have to fix your shoulder I have to touch you, you need to lay back on the bed ok?”

  
I shook my head, “No,” I said, “You’re just trying to trick me I won’t do it, I’m not going to let you do that to me.”

  
“John look at me ok,” Vic said staring at me closely, “When have I ever even hinted that I have that type of interest in you? I’m not going to do that to you especially if you don’t want me to. I’m not that type of person remember? I know what that feels like, how scary that it I will never do anything like that to anyone especially you but, I need you to lay back so I can put your shoulder back into the joint. The easiest way for me to do that is for you to lay there and me to pull forward on it while you use your body weight to stay laying down ok? I’m not going to touch anywhere but your arm if I don’t fix it there could be serious problems so you have to trust me.”

  
“Well I don’t trust anyone right about now ok? You know what they did to me? They made Pat watch while they…” I trailed off I couldn’t even get the words out.

  
“Have you seen him since?” Vic asked, “Seriously though lay down.”

  
I sighed and laid down, “No, I think I passed out. After they were all done with the whipping part I kind of…HOLY SHIT!”

  
I screamed in pain and he pulled my shoulder back into socket. The pain was pure and searing for just a second and then the pain in my shoulder started to lessen turning into a dull ache. I sat up and rotated my shoulder other than being slightly sore it was better, the weird stiff stinging pressure gone. I sighed, “Thanks.”

  
“No problem, they made him watch?” Vic asked sitting down next to me but not close enough we were touching his lips pursed as if when I responded he was looking for a different answer then the one I was giving him. As if he were looking for a truth I couldn’t see.

  
“Da and Hank and Leo hung me from a chain and hook from the ceiling by my arms. They put one around my neck too and told Pat anytime he looked away they were going to take my arms off the hook so I was only hanging from my neck. He didn’t look away. It doesn’t matter what they did I only know because they never choked me. I don’t think I passed out until Hank yanked on me so hard that he fucked up my shoulder,” I answered.

  
“Why would they do that?” He asked me.

  
“Because I’m their toy,” I answered, “Pat told them they shouldn’t that they needed to leave me alone and they didn’t want to listen to him so they …my skin is crawling.”

  
“I know kid,” Vic sighed, “I know I want to check somethings because if they’ve been relentless there is a good chance you are hurt in some places that…,” I cut off Vic

  
“No, I won’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t. I’m sorry but I can’t.”

  
“Ok, so mentally I’m assuming you’re not doing too well,” Vic said.

  
“I’d rather be dead then have any of them ever touch me again. The things they do, the things they want to do that I see written all over their faces when they look at me. They make me want to disappear,” I answered honestly almost crying as the words stumbled out of my mouth.

  
“I understand that,” Vic said slowly his expression a muted version of my own, “You can’t hurt yourself though John if you do they will put you in a hospital and convince everyone you are crazy. They will make your life hell just like they are doing to your mum.”

  
“So, she’s in the mental hospital?” I asked and Vic nodded his head in reply, “What is it like?”

  
“You can ask Pat next time you see him,” Vic said, “He’s been to the hospital before. Not in a while but he can tell you what it’s like more or less. It’s not pleasant however.”

  
“I don’t care,” I said, “If it gets them away from me I don’t care.”

  
“Just because you’re in the hospital doesn’t mean they won’t…when I was a kid they had a guy in there on staff that was just like the rest of them. They don’t make it easy they never make it easy. If you do it again though they’ll lock you in someone’s basement for however long they think will work and they will make sure you never try again or if you do that you don’t fail,” Vic said in a measured tone.

  
“I don’t want them to touch me anymore, he… I hate them and I hate myself and I hate everything about me. Why can’t I just not give in to them?” I asked Vic.

  
“You said he? Who is he?” Vic asked.

  
I felt my face growing hot, realizing I had singled someone out on accident. I hadn’t meant to do that. I didn’t want him to know that I blamed one person even though I hated just about all of them.

  
I didn’t want him to know how badly I hated my Da because it made me feel guilty for some reason. Guilty that even though he was once a good person that he wasn’t anymore and I thought it was because of me. I thought it was my fault and that made me hate myself and him. Almost like if I had been someone different someone other than myself that my Da wouldn’t be who he was, that he wouldn’t do the things he did to me and to my siblings.

  
Vic sighed, “It’s ok to hate them you know? It’s ok to hate one of them more than the rest. My dad when he started me out I was like 11. I couldn’t get it, couldn’t wrap my head around it, I still can’t. I will never understand why he did that to me. Why he didn’t love me enough to actually care about my feelings. I will never understand why I don’t matter to him.”

  
“I just feel guilty for hating him,” I answered Vic honestly, sighing heavily, “He didn’t used to be like he is now and he’s getting worse as I’m getting older. It’s not right and I know it’s not right and I feel like if I wasn’t…” I faltered, “If I wasn’t me it would be different.”

  
“No John, it wouldn’t be different,” Vic said after a moment of silence, “He’s sick it wouldn’t matter if you were someone else his head is so screwed up he’d probably still be the same way.”  
“You don’t know that,” I said, “You don’t know it’s not me.”

  
“John bad people like your father will find any excuse to do whatever it they want to get whatever it is they want. They don’t care about people they care about themselves and will do anything to make themselves happy regardless of how others feel about it. You know this deep down, know his behavior has nothing to do with you. That if it wasn’t you it would be someone else and at some point, it just very well might be someone else,” Vic said.

  
“I hope not,” I said, “I don’t want any of them to have to know what it feels like to have more than one of them…” I trailed off my throat feeling like it was closing up my whole body shaking.

  
I felt like the mask was on, the ear plugs, their hands grabbing at my hips, my arms my knees. Their tongues gliding down my stomach onto other parts of my body. I really couldn’t breathe I felt sick and then I thought of Leo just thinking his name hurting, making everything worse. How he had said my body belonged to him that I was amazing and beautiful and so tight. Before I knew it, I was screaming my eyes closed tight my hands over my ears just screaming and screaming as loud as I could.

  
Vic didn’t try to touch me, he didn’t talk to me, he didn’t do anything for the longest time but just let me scream. Let me lay there curled in a ball screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore. He only spoke to me when I was done screaming, when I had finally calmed down enough to opened my eyes and even though I still couldn’t hear him very well my hands still covering my ears it sounded like he was speaking underwater the sound of the blood rushing through my hands louder than his speech.

  
“You feel any better?” He asked.

  
“What?” I asked removing my shaking hands from my ears slowly.

  
“I asked if you felt any better,” he repeated looking at me closely.

  
“A little I guess,” I answered.

  
“You’ve been holding that in for a while huh?” He asked.

  
I just nodded my head in response. He was right I had been. Just not being able to do it especially around Da, not having the time to breathe, let out that scream made me feel beyond trapped. I didn’t know if the screaming really made me feel any better but, it didn’t hurt anything especially because Vic was willing to let me scream and not punish me for it or make me feel guilty for doing it.

  
“I’m going to try and get them to leave you alone for a couple of days. I recommend it however I can’t promise it,” Vic said and I nodded my head.

  
“That’s ok if it goes back to just him I think I’ll be ok,” I answered not really looking at Vic.

  
“You mean just your dad?” Vic asked me.

  
“Yeah, he’s not violent he’s just…I don’t know,” I answered softly.

  
“Just because it doesn’t hurt and he’s not really violent doesn’t mean it doesn’t do damage. Right now, you’re just surviving your putting up with it because you have no choice you’re not doing it because you want to. Remember that, ok kid?” Vic said looking at me.

  
“He doesn’t think that,” I answered.

  
“Yeah but he’s sick, he’s beyond sick normal dads don’t do this to their kids ok? He might think you like it but that’s because he’s justified his behavior in his own head it doesn’t mean what he thinks is the truth all right?” Vic told me.

  
I nodded my head again. I didn’t believe him. I felt like it was me. It would always be me but I stood up pulling the sheet with me so I wouldn’t be exposing myself to Vic because even though I knew he didn’t see me that way and wouldn’t treat me that way I still felt beyond exposed with just a sheet to cover me and I walked out into the hallway where my Da was standing making me instantly tense back up.

  
“You ok baby?” Da asked me walking towards me.

  
I averted my eyes avoiding his gaze because I knew how he was looking at me not like a father should look at a son as I tried to keep breathing. I didn’t want to feel his eyes on me making me naked the thoughts of what he wanted to do to me plainly visible.  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I nodded my head not looking at him.

  
“Hey can I talk to you for a minute?” Vic asked my Da who nodded his head walking over to the door Vic was holding open.

  
“You wait for me ok?” Da said.

  
I had no choice but to nod my head and sat down against the wall pulling my knees up to my chest. I didn’t want him seeing me like this again but I knew that if I didn’t obey him he might hurt me. I sat in the hallway waiting and when him and Vic were done talking they exited the room.

  
“So, he dislocated your shoulder pretty bad huh baby?” He asked looking at me from where I was on the floor.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as he reached out his hand to help me up. I stared at it not taking it choosing instead to stay on the floor wrapped in the sheet I was wearing.

  
He sighed heavily awkwardly dragging his hand through his hair to hide the fact he had offered it to me and I had decided not to take up his offer of help, “Vic said I should probably give you a couple of days that you’re probably torn or at the very least very close to it and I have agreed. Three days all right? I won’t touch anyone else I won’t let uncle Ben touch anyone else but when those three days are up I want you back in bed with me ok?” He said.

  
“Ok Da,” I said still not looking at him. I sighed heavily just wishing he would back away and give me some space wishing he would back away enough for the caution sign to stop blinking loud inside my head.

  
“All right I’ll see Vic out and you can get dressed and then go upstairs and shower ok,” he said motioning to Vic to follow him as they started heading up the stairs.

  
I took a minute and then slowly stood allowing my legs to get used to holding up my own body weight. I still felt sore standing for more than just a couple of minutes and didn't know if I could make it up the stairs but knew if I didn’t try I’d be stuck down there for god knew how long. I took the stairs slowly one at a time a burn spreading up my tail bone and through my body with each movement.

  
Every single cell from the waist down felt like it was in agony as I made it to the very top of the steps having to stop for a minute my feet still feeling unsteady my knees and thighs aching with as I climbed the next stair case to get to the lift. I felt like every step took all of my effort and by the time I got into the lift I felt like my whole body was screaming at me to lay down. When the door opened, I took one step out of the lift and felt my legs give out under me my knees and hands hitting the hard wood floor with a bang sending more vibrations of pain through my body making me whimper.

  
“Are you ok?” I heard a small timid voice ask me as I heard tiny feet scampering down the hallway towards me.

  
I looked up to see James coming toward me slowly and it made my chest tighten. I didn’t want him to see me like this, to see me so weak and broken. I swallowed hard pushing my emotions down, “Yeah bud, I’m ok I just fell.”

  
“Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked me standing in the hallway his face half covered in shadow staring at me closely. I could feel the skepticism on his face, like he didn’t believe me. Hell, I didn’t believe me.

  
“Yeah just give me a second bud,” I said slowly climbing to my feet. My knees felt even stiffer the bruises starting to form there easily on top of the already bruised skin of my thighs and calves. I sighed heavily standing up, “Where is Will?” I asked James slowly.

  
“In his room, he said he was tired so he’s been sleeping all day,” he answered me, “We asked him where you were but he just said you were busy and that you would tell us later. Where were you?”

  
“Busy,” I answered simply thinking Will’s answer was probably the simplest and easiest for him to understand, “I’m going to go talk to Will alone for a couple minutes ok?”

  
“Ok, but why just busy what were you doing?” James asked me.

  
“Bud, it doesn’t matter ok? I’m going to talk to Will for a bit ok?” I said tussling his hair with my hand as I walked past him to Will’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

  
“Come in,” I heard Will moan.

  
“HOLY SHIT!” He said excitedly as I opened the door, “Are you ok?”

  
I just nodded my head, “You?” I asked slowly.

  
“Yeah, sore but yeah, I’m fine,” he answered, “What happened after they let us go? You and Pat didn’t come up so I figured something crappy happened.”

  
“It doesn’t matter,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Well you look super tired and I left there at 10am the morning and it’s now nearly 11pm so whatever it was they kept you busy, what happened?” He asked looking at me.

  
“Hank dislocated my shoulder. I ended up passing out woke up to Da spooning with me huh, let’s see what else? Couldn’t get it up only reason why he stopped, you need me to keep going or can I skip recalling every bit of foggy horror inducing anxiety riddled memory now?” I asked him sitting down on the foot of his bed.

  
“Yeah,” Will said swallowing, “Yeah, sorry.”

  
“Thank you, so, how are you?” I asked him.

  
“Not too bad tired like I said,” Will said, “Is it true what Cole told me that some guys have sex to get the feeling of the handlers off them?”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

  
“That some guys just have a lot of sex so they don’t have to feel what the handlers do to them anymore,” Will clarified.

  
“Some guys yeah,” I answered him, “I don’t personally. Right now, I think if anyone touched me I would scream.”

  
“Does Cole do it often?” He asked me catching me off guard.

  
“Huh, you’d have to ask Cole that because I’m not really sure. I know after Justin he’s kind of gone off the rocks a little bit but from what I understood he was starting to get a little better from Pat’s emails but maybe I’m wrong I don’t know. Why?” I answered.  
“Does it work?” Will asked and I saw a look on his face that said he was thinking of giving it a try.

  
“You’re 11 Will, no you’re not doing that I won’t let you,” I sighed shaking my head.

  
“You’re 13 what’s your point?” Will asked me.

  
“At least get to the teen part of that first before you start fucking everything that moves please? You know how much trouble you’ll be in you get caught?” I asked him.

  
“A lot. I don’t really care at this point though I’m going to be honest,” Will sighed looking at me, “It has to feel better then what they do and if it gets them out from under my skin I’m good with that.”

  
I sighed sitting down on the bed thinking to myself “oh god I can’t believe I’m doing this” but there I was getting ready to talk about sex with my brother, “Ok,” I said, “The first time Pat ever…” I felt myself starting to blush just thinking about it as Will sat up straighter staring at me closely.

  
“Wait you and Pat have…?” Will asked.

  
“Not like sex sex but, we’ve gotten friendly,” I admitted, “The first time I ever let him…well, touch me like that was after a shower with Da and he felt warm not cold, he felt, he didn’t make me hate myself or feel guilty about it at all. It was nice, it was slow and calm and like I said warm like all of the bad things they had ever forced me to do, just washed away like he took it from my skin with his hands and made it like they never did anything bad to me. After that though even knowing that’s what it’s going to feel like I get nervous. I get scared because they’ve… Da and his friends, they’ve hurt me so many times I instantly clam up I can’t… just thinking about his mouth going …” I felt my face getting redder, “I can’t.”

  
“Like you can’t get it up or you can’t, as in the thought of him doing that stuff just makes you panic?” Will asked looking at me.

  
“Panic,” I answered.

  
“I don’t think that’s weird. You make it sound nice but maybe you’re just afraid it will remind you too much of other things and then you won’t want to so you just skip it all together maybe?” Will said, “You think I shouldn’t because of my age? Because you know that makes no sense what so ever considering…it’s not anything I haven’t done before.”

  
“You’re my little brother,” I said, “You’re not supposed to have done that yet I was supposed to keep that from happening to you and I couldn’t.”

  
“Didn’t we work on that with Jane? It’s not your job to protect us that’s Da’s job that he has chosen to ignore,” Will answered, “You’re not supposed to protect me or anyone else but yourself.”

  
“That’s easy to say and it’s logical yeah but, that doesn’t feel like the truth Will. What am I supposed to do ignore that that is what feels right? That me trying to keep you safe, is what feels right? I said.

  
“If it means no one can even grab your hand yeah because you need to be able to do touch people. you have 9 kids besides me that depend on you right now that need your love, your cuddles you can’t be freaking out every time someone goes to hug you. Don’t think I didn’t notice your broken record and your shivering when we were stuck down there. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you wouldn’t take Pat’s hand. If you ever let anyone touch you it’s him and it will always be him, you know that. If no one else could touch you again but one person it would be him don’t think I don’t know that, don’t think I don’t see that. I’m your brother John, I might be your baby brother but only by 2 years and you say I even act more mature then you sometimes,” He said looking at me.

  
“Is it that obvious that I love him?” I asked feeling a slight panic in my stomach remembering Da’s words that whatever was going on between Pat and I he was watching it closely.

  
“He makes it very obvious, Pat. Not the way he touches you always but the way he acts like it’s his sworn duty to try and protect you not as many people would know if he wasn’t so protective of you but in his defense, you are kind of broken,” Will said.

  
“Yeah, I have to call him,” I said quietly.

  
Will sighed watching my face and then put his head in his hands mumbling to himself quietly before he looked at me closely, “They did something really bad, didn’t they?”

  
“I’d rather keep that to myself if you don’t mind,” I answered shrugging.

  
“Jane said talking about it helps,” Will said looking at me.

  
“It doesn’t help me like it does you, it just makes me anxious ok Will? I don’t like talking about it because then I feel it and I don’t want to feel it,” I said, “Ok?

  
“Was what they did earlier when they let Cole and I leave to punish him?” Will asked.

  
I felt it flash across my face, the feelings I was trying so hard to hide from him. The things I didn’t want to talk about. I swallowed hard trying not to remember, not the remember the feeling of my arms staying in place as my body was pulled down and backwards by my hips, the feeling of not having control. Of my feet not being able to reach the ground no matter how stretched out my body felt. I didn’t want to think about how hard that had to be for him to watch, him to hear because I knew I had to have screamed, made some sound at some point.

  
Will stared at me quietly waiting for an answer and when I didn’t give one he sighed, “Da’s done that to me you know? Hurt you to punish me,” Will said not looking at me, “When we got home he wanted me to do things with him and I told him no. He then went to the airport to pick you up. He told me he would… that he would blow you right in front of everyone if I said no but I didn’t believe him until he…grabbed you like that. I felt so guilty that it was going to be all my fault. I couldn’t believe that he would actually do it until he almost did.” Will said no looking me in the eyes.

  
“I felt that,” I answered thinking back to that moment, “The way you looked at us, at him when he…”

  
“John, you’re ok, don’t cry please don’t cry I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for him to do that to you ok I’m sorry,” Will said.

  
Before I could stop myself I was rocking back and forth hugging myself, trying to sooth myself. Trying to calm myself down. I didn’t want to think about the way he had grabbed me in front of them, how he had made me kiss him like that. How two days later he had actually followed through with his threat that he had made to both me and Will.

  
“John, I’m sorry please, God I’m so sorry,” Will said I heard his voice break. Just hearing his voice falter, shake like he was about to start crying helped snap me out of it help bring me back.

  
“No, I’m sorry I, I don’t like thinking about it,” I answered, “He does that to me you know? He tries but I don’t let him. He threatens to go get someone else all the time and I just don’t let him. I swallow my pride and I…”

  
“Wait are you saying you…,” Will asked me.

  
Now I felt my face go warm and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I shrugged my shoulders in response. What was I supposed to say I just laid there and let him fuck me? That I got into whatever position he told me he wanted me and let him use me? I didn’t know what to say at that point.

  
“I’m sorry you have to make that choice. You shouldn’t have to do that,” Will answered.

  
I shrugged my shoulders again. I didn’t know what to say. That he was right because that was the truth, that I hated myself because of it? As far as I was concerned the conversation was over.

  
“I should go call Pat,” I said and Will nodded.

  
“Go call him, and then you should probably take a shower,” He said making me aware that I hadn’t showered since they had started that I probably smelt like spit and cum and sex. Making me feel self-conscious.

  
When I stood up this time my legs felt steadier, still tired but steadier. Each step hurting a little less than they had before. I got to the upstairs kitchen and sat down at the table taking the phone from the cradle and dialing Pat’s home number. I felt my breath already catch in my chest hoping against hope that I wouldn’t heard hanks voice that if I did I could actually speak into the phone without choking on my own voice. The phone rang twice and then someone picked up.

  
“Hello?” Cole answered.

  
“Hey, it’s me can I talk to Pat?” I asked him.

  
“Huh,” Cole said slowly, “I don’t know if he’ll talk he hasn’t said anything since Hank dragged him home. What the hell happened?”

  
“It doesn’t matter can you just put him on the phone even if he won’t say anything? Please?” I asked Cole softly.

  
“All right,” Cole answered and I could hear how tired he sounded, “I’m taking the phone to our room I’ll hand it to him but if he doesn’t say anything don’t feel bad all you can do is try again in the morning.”

  
“Ok,” I said.

  
“All right here he is,” Cole said and then I heard Cole hand the phone over and someone breathing into it.

  
“Hi Babe, are you ok?” I asked softly.

  
“Are you?” He asked me.

  
“I’ll be fine. Vic came by. He fixed my shoulder I’m a little sore but otherwise I’m ok. I want to make sure you are ok,” I answered.

  
“You’re not mad at me? You know they wouldn’t have done that if…” He started but I cut him off.

  
“We all knew they wanted to hurt me, it wouldn’t have mattered whether you were there or not. What you did, what you said they didn’t care. They did it because they wanted to it had nothing to do with you,” I answered him.

  
“Are you sure about that?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I’m sure, I just wish you were,” I said softly.

  
“As long as you aren’t mad at me after everything because I couldn’t stand it if …you hated me,” He answered softly.

  
“I could never hate you Pat,” I answered, “Never. It’s not possible. I could never hate you not ever.”

“You sure?” He asked timidly.

  
I had never heard him sound so scared, so desperate. He was really afraid I was going to be angry with him for trying to defend me for trying to protect me and what they had done to me in order to punish him, to punish us. I could never have hated him I loved him too much was too desperate for him to love me back. For him to want to put his hands on my skin, to send that warm rush of comfort through my body and into each cell of my being. If I could have at that moment I would have devoured him, enveloped him allowed him to have every inch of me as his hands trailed along my skin even the places that made me blush when I thought about him touching me there.

  
“There’s not a single doubt in my mind. I could never hate you, I mean it,” I said.

  
“Ok,” He said and I finally heard the smile in his voice again, “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I hope so Vic convinced my Da to give me a break so hopefully. I’ll ask though.”

  
“Ok well, call me and let me know,” He said, “I have to go but, you know how I feel about you. Goodnight.”

  
“Yeah, same goodnight,” I said waiting for the dial tone to sound before I got up and shuffled over to the cradle putting the phone back.

  
I walked back to my room slowly feeling butterflies in my chest. He had actually thought I would be angry with him? They had gotten into his head that drastically that he believes I would blame him for what they did.

  
The thought just made me angry and anxious, made my blood boil. He didn’t deserve that. No one deserved that. I walked into my bedroom turning on my bathroom light and peeling the old smelly clothes from my body that I had only put on to get upstairs. Just taking my clothes off hurt more than putting them on had.

  
I couldn’t see my back but I knew it didn’t look good only a bit of dried blood visible near my hip in what looked like a long thin cut almost like someone had taken a knife to my back the line raised and red angry like welts with the slim red line gently hiding in-between. I sighed. So, that’s what a whipping looked like, a real whipping. Each movement sent a burning pain through my shoulders and up my spine along with the dull ache that continued in my shoulder and through my arm. I hated to think of what I actually look like almost afraid to look in the mirror but I managed to take a deep breath and look up at myself for just a brief moment no matter how much I hated that reflection and what I saw was a horror story written on my body in marks both temporary and ones that would become permanent.

  
First I looked at my chest the new scratch marks laying there not too bad already starting to fade into the old ones and then I looked at my neck. It looked like someone had taken a baseball and slammed it hard against my neck leaving a bruise on nearly the entire right side. It was black and painful looking not like a normal hickey but like one that was on steroids.

  
I sighed. How on earth was I supposed to ever leave the actual house like this? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, that was probably exactly what my Da was thinking anyway. To bruise and batter me as much as he possibly could so I would be too mortified to actually leave the house so he could use me whenever he wanted.

  
I couldn’t look anymore and turned away starting the water adjusting it so it was as hot as I could stand. I climbed in slowly, the water feeling good on my aching muscles my whole body feeling thankful. I sat in the bottom of the tub letting the water pour over me wash away the grime, sweat and spit, the dried blood, the filth and leave me raw leave me exposed but new and unused if only for a few minutes. I heard my bedroom door banging open and it made me jump. For a second I wasn’t sure what to think and then I heard a voice.

  
“He won’t leave him alone you have to come help John please you have to help him, he can’t deal with it, he’s locked himself in his bathroom and he won’t come out because he’s up here and Will knows what he’s going to do please John,” Mike begged me.  
“What?” I asked, my brain not quiet processing what Mike was telling me.

  
“Uncle Ben won’t leave Will alone,” Mike said, “Help him please?”

  
“Shit, yeah I’m coming hold on,” I said reaching my hand through the curtain and grabbing a towel pulling it around my waist before heading down the hallway.

  
When I got to Will’s room Uncle Ben was slamming into the bathroom door repeatedly and I could hear Will’s muffled crying coming from the bathroom. He needed a break as badly as I did. I knew he needed one he had been down there in the basement with me for how many days, had the same guys do things to him. His trauma having him feeling the same things I did. I knew he needed a break and that was the reason he had locked himself in the bathroom and was trying to shut Ben out, to get some space from him.

  
“Ben what are you doing?” I asked him sighing getting his attention his eyes flashing up and down my frame making me aware of how exposed I really was.

  
“I just wanted to…” he trailed off looking at me licking his lips, “God damn Johnny.”

  
“Leave them alone. Will needs a break. You need leave him and everyone else alone, all right?” I said folding my arms across my chest.

  
“You going to entertain me instead?” He asked turning away from the door and towards me, taking a step causing me to back up.

  
“Dr. Palmer said I needed a break for medical reasons,” I said, “Da’s not even supposed to…”

  
“Oh well, what if I just focused on you? Would that be fun?” He said still walking towards me making me tense.

  
“I-I-I huh, I don’t think that’s what Dr. Palmer meant,” I managed to stutter as I started backing out the door slowly.

  
“Who said Dr. Palmer or Connor need to know?” He asked me raising his eyebrows, “You know it’d be fun, me nestled between your legs, licking, sucking…” He trailed off licking his lips.

  
I didn’t know what to say the very thought making my skin crawl, making me nervous. However, I knew what his next words would probably be, basically I do it or he’d make someone else do it. I didn’t want him touching me, his hands on my skin. I swallowed, gulped as he closed the distance between us me backing up even more so we were out in the hallway.

  
I closed my eyes and shook my head, almost like shaking my head would clear my thoughts make the moment not real. I didn’t don’t what to do but I felt stuck 12:15am and I felt stuck like I so often did. I didn’t want his mouth on me again but I felt like I had no choice that it was either me or one of my brothers. I nodded my head slowly.

  
“Really? You’ll let me?” He asked smiling. I sighed.

  
“What? NO!” Mikey moaned, “You can’t John you can’t let him do that that’s gross!”

  
“I…,” I stopped trying to stumble over my words and just shrugged my shoulders the injured one aching slightly as it moved up and down.

  
“Come on Johnny, let’s go to your bedroom huh?” He said putting his hand in the center of my bare chest and pushing be back into the wall behind me rubbing up against me like a cat might making me gasp in surprise.

  
I felt like I was being suffocated as he grabbed me by the hand and lead me back down the hallway to my room, like all the air was being forced out of the surrounding area as he shut my bedroom door and locked it behind him. I swallowed as he looked at me. My whole body freezing up as I sat on the bed and he grabbed the towel pulling it away so I was exposed.

  
I didn’t know what to do the cold panic rising from my toes and up my legs into my chest making it hard for any air to pass into my body, to give my brain energy to think as he pulled my knees apart and laid his head in-between them. I exhaled deeply readying myself for that engulfing warm feeling to take over my senses, pushing the cold fire up through my body and past everything else to the point where it overwhelmed me. Causing me to gasp when it finally hit. The only think I could do was make sure I kept breathing as my body started shaking his tongue working its dark magic making me wish I could die.

  
Somehow, I managed to stay silent. Letting him do what he wanted to, manipulate me the way he wanted to my toes curling, my head thrown back as I fisted my sheets to keep myself from screaming. From crying and begging him to stop.

  
The whole time I felt like I was being suffocated. My body responding in ways I didn’t want it to. When he decided he was done, he climbed/crawled up my body and laid on top of me his hands rubbing up and down my sides from my ribs to my hips making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“You’re amazing you know that?” He asked looking at me while I tried to avoid his gaze, “You were made for this. You taste so good and you’re so beautiful. Connor really has a hard time sharing you. Especially with me you know that?”

  
I exhaled heavily. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want his fingers running across my skin.

  
I didn’t want him to tell me what I feared most. That I really was Da’s. To reaffirm that that was all I would ever be, that my body would never belong to me. I wanted him to stop talking.

  
“You know how much a night with you cost someone? Around 25,000 dollars. And that’s not even a night alone. You’re very desired. If you embraced it your Da would eventually give you the money. I think your worth every penny. You and that beautiful cock of yours. You have no idea how good you taste. It’s amazing really,” he said breathing hard against the neck on my skin.

  
I pushed up hard against him trying to get him off me but found he was too strong for me to even really move. I hated being talked about like I was an object. I hated hearing them say that I tasted good, that I had a beautiful cock. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and still kept trying to struggle and he just laughed.

  
“What’s wrong? Don’t like me talking about it? It’s your truth it’s always going to be your truth so why fight it?” He taunted.

  
“Stop,” I begged, “I don’t…just stop.”

  
“I’m not even really doing anything. Just touching is that so bad?” He said kissing into my collar bone, his hands pinning my arms down by the wrists.

  
“Please, I don’t want to,” I begged. Feeling desperate for some space, some air.

  
“What if I want more? Isn’t that my right?” He asked me his hands digging into my hips as he started kissing down the center of my chest.

  
“Please you already did,” I begged straining against him his arms feeling like a lead pipe laid over top of mine making it hard to move, making every bit of struggle feeling fruitless.

  
“But you taste so good,” he said as his kisses reached my belly button he then looked up and started laughing, “Must feel good huh because you are literally glowing red Johnny.”

  
“Stop, stop please, I don’t want to, please just don’t,” I begged straining harder against his body, his hands.

  
“Relax I’ll make it feel really good,” he muttered his tongue dipping into my belly button before he started sucking at it sending that cold chill back up my spine.

  
“Please, I really don’t want to you already did please,” I pleaded with him to stop.

  
This wasn’t right. None of this felt right why didn’t he get that? Why could he understand I didn’t want him touching me like that? That it made me want to die.

  
Why couldn’t he just leave me alone, leave us alone? I wanted to scream but I knew that if I did it would only attention to what was happening from my siblings and they didn’t need to know what was going on. They didn’t need to walk in and see that. I sighed closing my eyes as his tongue slid down my length making me upset. This nervous energy catching in my chest. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his hands on my skin spreading cold fire making me hate myself and hate everything I was.

  
I bit my lips in order to keep myself from screaming and crying as he took me in his mouth again. I hated him and I hated me more. My whole body betraying me giving him what he wanted, what he kept saying was so good about me. When he was done he kissed my hip as I laid there. I gasped hoping he would just leave and quit talking. Hoping he would quit tormenting me by telling me what I was.

  
“After your healed I’m going to ride your ass so hard you won’t even be able to think about sitting down without being in pain,” he muttered kissing my jaw and getting up, “I should collect your jizz in a jar and sell it by the ounce it’s so sweet.”  
“Could you not?” I asked raising a disgusted eyebrow at him as he got up off of me and straightening his clothes out where they seemed ruffled.

  
“You know that’s why Hank wanted that cup right? It’s almost like drinking a smoothie it’s so sweet and tasty, you’re really good and you have no idea. Why do you think every guy your daddy let’s have you wants to suck you dry? It’s really fucking amazing, like you have no idea. Wow, that makes you shy huh? You should be proud about it not upset,” He said laughing when my face started to go red as he got up and walked away.

  
I grabbed the blankets under me and rolled myself into a blanket burrito. I didn’t want to think about that part of my body. What my…ejaculate tasted like. Just thinking about it made me feel sick almost like I had gotten kicked in the chest by a horse.

  
So, that’s why they wouldn’t leave me alone because they enjoyed the taste of my cum? That was beyond gross. I mean if I really thought about it Pat didn’t taste bad at all not by a long shot but me? Everyone thought I tasted good? I didn’t see it.

  
I tossed and turned that night. All of the Ben’s words bouncing around my head about how I tasted good how I was amazing and how people paid 25,000 dollars to fuck me once and that wasn’t even just one on one but probably for the group stuff my Da put me through. I felt beyond gross just thinking about it. That that was how much I was worth, my body was worth. I had such a hard time sleeping that night I finally gave up and climbed out of bed around 7. I felt like shit. After I showered and dressed I went to the kitchen upstairs to grab some cereal and found Alice there making French toast, bacon and eggs.

  
“Morning,” she said smiling at me warmly.

  
“Yeah, do we have any coffee?” I asked quietly.

  
She looked at me and snorted lightly, “Coffee? Boy you are too young for coffee. You can have some orange juice,” she said pouring some into a glass for me and sliding it towards me on the counter, “I don’t know what your Daddy has been teaching you kids but you are too young for coffee it will stunt your growth.”

  
“You know what he is don’t you?” I asked as she turned to the stove to check on the French toast her whole body freezing, “If you know why work for him?” I asked her.

  
“I’m not sure I understand your meaning but, you have to understand money is money honey and I need to make a living for my family. Teaching your brothers how to take care of themselves and your sisters while I look the other way gets me good money that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s not that I don’t care it’s that I can’t afford to,” She said looking at me sadly.

  
I just shook my head, “You know what they are doing though don’t you? Where I was yesterday, where I usually am. Do you not care?”

  
“You’re a big boy Johnathan if you really didn’t want it to happen it wouldn’t. Remember that. If you really didn’t want it to happen you could always say no and I’m sure they would leave you alone,” She answered me without turning around to look at me.  
I was speechless. She thought this was my fault? That I wanted them to do those things to me? I told them no all the time.

  
I Constantly begged them to leave me alone and yet apparently she thought I wanted them to do those things? To make my skin crawl and never stop? She thought this was something I was willing to do.

  
“I’m not allowed to,” I said quietly for some reason.

  
It didn’t make sense to me at the time but it almost just came out on its own. Because I never was allowed to tell my Da no because if he even felt a hint of a no he promised to go to someone else, or hurt me or pass me off to someone who would be a million times worse. He always knew what to say to get what he wanted from me whether that was me on my stomach underneath him or his head between my legs as I laid there limp trying to fight nature. He always knew how to get me to relent, to do what he wanted me to.

  
“If you put up a fight I’m sure they wouldn’t do those things though, just saying,” She said again.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Thanks.”

  
“No problem you want some food, I can whip you up some oatmeal your Dad wants me to feed you different from everyone else only lord knows why,” She said.

  
“No, I’m not hungry. Thanks though,” I answered putting my empty glass of orange juice on the counter.

  
I felt sick to my stomach again. She thought this was my fault. That I …it was mind numbing and not in a good way. I went to my room and I stayed there for a while. Sitting on my bed for a while. Before I knew it, there was a knock on my door.  
“Come in,” I answered numbly expecting one of the kids but instead Pat was there smiling at me sheepishly.

  
“Hey,” he said coming and slowly sitting down on the foot of my bed.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly and he frowned slightly at me.

  
“What’s going on?” He asked me.

  
“Nothing,” I answered.

  
“Rabbit, I see it in your face, what’s going on? What are you thinking about?” He asked me.

  
“The new nanny said that if I fought harder they wouldn’t…Do I not fight enough?” I asked him.

  
“You fight more than enough Rabbit. She actually said that to you?” Pat said his mouth wide in shock, “Rabbit I know you don’t want them to do what they do and anyone who can’t see that is living in some fucked up and twisted world and isn’t worth your time ok? That makes me beyond angry that she thinks she has the right to say anything like that to anyone.”

  
“Maybe she’s right,” I said quietly, “Uncle Ben he said that…” I swallowed not looking Pat in the face, not wanting him to see me cry, “That I’m worth 25,000 dollars.”

  
“What? Sorry Rabbit I’m slightly confused what do you mean you’re worth 25,000 dollars?” Pat asked.

  
“That’s how much my Da charges when someone wants to spend time with me,” I answered, “That’s for group stuff, with my Da too or whatever it’s more when they want to be alone.”

  
“Oh Rabbit, he just told you that because he wanted it in your head,” Pat said, “You don’t even know if it’s true or not. In my opinion your priceless.”

  
“I’m his whore Pat,” I answered, “I’m his whore that’s what I am he just… I don’t know.”

  
“Babe, you are no one’s whore ok? This, him it’s what you do because you have to, you do it to survive not because you want to, not because it’s a choice your making or you enjoy it but because if you don’t it’s going to be worse and you know that. You know if you ever said no he would lock you in that basement for god knows how long. He probably didn’t even want to give you the three days he’s giving you. I know you know that. Don’t be stupid don’t think you’re doing this because you want to. Just because some bitch said you don’t fight hard enough. She has no idea how hard you fight it’s not her life, it’s yours,” Pat said taking my hands in his and squeezing them his eyes on me.

  
“I’m tired all the time and it seems no matter what I do he always gets what he wants,” I said feeling my face heat up just thinking about how my body always responded positively to his touches how he was always able to make me climax, make my body shudder with orgasm.

  
“Well, we’re teenage boys John we kind of…hell sometimes people don’t even have to touch us and we…it’s normal is what I’m trying to say,” Pat said his cheeks darkening slightly.

  
“It’s not normal that every one of my Da’s friends want to suck my dick,” I said looking at him.

  
“I didn’t mean that was normal I meant the, them being able to make you cum. That’s pretty normal,” Pat said.

  
“You know why they like to?” I asked barely able to glance at Pat.

  
“Because they are freaks who get off on making people hate themselves? At least that’s my theory why?” Pat asked.

  
“Ben told me it’s … I taste sweet,” I answered feeling my cheeks glow red.

  
“What?” Pat asked frowning before a look of realization crossed his face, “Oh. Well, I don’t really have experience with that exactly. I don’t believe that’s any excuse to force you to do that though.”

  
“I don’t want to be this anymore. I don’t want to be me,” I sighed heavily letting go of Pat’s hands and pulling my knees into my chest resting my elbows on top of them and then resting my head on my arms watching Pat closely as he watched me. His eyes full of worry, hopelessness like I had never seen before. He sat there looking at me just watching me intently.

  
“What?” I asked shrugging my shoulders.

  
“I’m just worried about you,” He answered honestly, “Wish I could do something to make this better.”

  
“You’re here,” I answered, “That’s all that matters is that you’re here. Even if I can’t stand myself, living if you’re here I feel like I’ll be ok.”

  
“You’re not acting like it. Will told me what happened last night when he let me in. About Ben, is that when he said that to you?” Pat asked me.

  
I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about that anymore. what he had done to me. What he had told me while he had his arms curled around my legs his head in my crotch as he put his mouth on me as he made my insides drown in cold fire. I sighed trying to block it out, move past it not think about it.

  
“You really don’t blame me for what happened earlier? Yesterday I mean,” He asked me looking at me closely.

  
“No. They would have anyway. I mean you were there you saw how they were acting. I was going to get the short straw no matter what. They wanted me no matter what. I think he plans to punish me as much as he can until school starts and then we’ll see I guess,” I answered.

  
“School is only 2 weeks out,” Pat said looking at me, “I had to go see Gus after I was done at your house, He spent the night. It was the first time he’s ever done that.”

  
“Gus?” I asked confused for a second and then nodded my head, “McClairen?”

  
“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “It’s…weird. I understand why you hate it so much it feels like you can’t breathe when they…”

  
“Hold you?” I asked and he nodded his head, “Yeah it feels like a fucking boulder sitting right on your chest and you just want to scream and you can’t.”

  
“Exactly,” Pat said.

  
Pat sighed thoughtfully and then gave me a look that made me frown in confusion before he run a nervous hand through his black hair, “Hey, how’s your back?”

  
“My back?” I asked raising an eyebrow, “Are you just trying to get my undressed or something? Right now I don’t really feel anything from it however I am not laying on my back so that’s probably why.”

  
“No, I’m not trying to get you undressed just they…I,” Pat swallowed, “I was awake and watching even after you passed out you know?”

  
I nodded my head not wanting to think about what he had seen. What they had made him watch just because he had tried to protect me. Because he had cared enough to offer himself up instead so he could spare me some pain. Because he loved me.  
Pat got on his knees scooting closer to me where I was sitting on the pillows my arms still wrapped around my knees I was still clutching to my chest looking at him closely as he inched his way towards me slowly. When he got close enough we could be touching he stopped careful to not touch me without asking, to keep his hands where I could see them. He nodded his head at me as if to ask if he could and I nodded my head and bit my bottom lip lightly in reply.

  
I knew he wouldn’t hurt me that his hands might even feel good but my whole body still felt nervous that static and tingle still traveling up and down my spine because of all the things they had done. He leaned forward his upper body closing the distance between us as we sat there leaning against each other forehead to forehead and we stared at each other my breath feeling fluttery, light, excited and anxious as his left hand gently clasped the back of my neck his fingertips pressing gently into my skin making my heart quicken.

  
Just his hands on me made me feel warm and safe even though life was anything but, the wanting ache his fingers managed to spread into my soul making me nervous making me doubt myself. He kissed my cheek as he messaged the back of my neck lightly his hands making me relax into him like melting butter as I sighed heavily into his neck. His grasped my shoulders lightly pulling back away from me before taking the hem of my shirt in his hands and slowly lifting it off of my body.  
I allowed him to remove it throwing it over my head as he continued to massage my biceps leaning in and kissing the bruises along them the touch of his lips tingling against my skin in a good way as they barely brushed past each bruise as if he were counting them and down my arms making me sigh his fingers lightly caressing each scar and mark upon my flesh. I laid down as he climbed on top of me, his hands up against my rib cage his fingers tracing my body making me gasp lightly my eyes going wide as he moved to straddle me and my hands gently went to his waist. He stopped staring at me, eyes wide.

  
“Is this ok?” He asked me quietly, looking for assurance.

  
I nodded my head and then swallowed, “Yeah I think this is ok, your hands feel good. They make me forget…”

  
“Damn it,” Pat said slightly frustrated his brow furrowing, “I don’t want this to be us. I don’t want to be a fix so you don’t have to feel them. I want to be…” I cut off his words with a kiss.

  
“You’re not just something to erase them with Pat, you’re so much more. You make me feel almost normal, happy. If all you were was touches, and kisses I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let you climb on top of me without having a major panic attack,” I said rubbing his thighs through his jeans that laid on each side of my waist, “You’re so much more than just touching. I love you more then I’ll ever be able to describe.”

  
“Are you sure?” He asked me quietly looking deeply into my eyes his ice blue breaking into my soul, finding something there and nodding his head along with mine before he leaned back in and kissed me as I wrapped my arms around his back and shoulders holding him close against my bare chest my tongue finding its way into his mouth, making him moan softly as I started tracing shapes on his back through his shirt his hands still against my side, against my ribs making something inside me flutter as I smiled lightly.

  
At that moment I heard the door opening and Pat shuffled to get off of me before someone saw however there was James staring at us wide-eyed mouth agape. At first, he looked shocked and then slightly confused as I looked over and noticed Pat’s red face probably an identical shade to my own.

  
“Hi James,” Pat said sheepishly.

  
“What are you doing?” James asked still frowning at us.

  
“We were talking,” I answered looking around me frantically for my shirt which I couldn’t find.

  
“Without your shirt?” James asked the confused look on his face growing.

  
“Yeah,” I answered not sure how to address the situation.

  
“It looked like he was…,” James went quiet averting his eyes, “You know like when Da…”

  
“Well, huh,” I said looking at Pat.

  
“I think I’m going to go check out what video game Matt and Mike are playing,” Pat said running a hand through his hair his face still beaming red.

  
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea,” I said nodding my head as Pat got up and moved swiftly past James who was still standing in the door way, “Hey bud, come here,” I said patting the empty spot now beside me on the bed, “You’re not in trouble I’m going to try very hard to explain something.”

  
“So, he wasn’t hurting you?” James asked coming and sitting next to me cautiously.

  
“No, he wasn’t hurting me. I’m not sure how to explain this,” I said sighing, “You know huh, crap,” I muttered.

  
“I’m confused,” James said.

  
“Me too bud,” I said my face getting even redder, “You remember how you used to go to day care and they had both boys and girls at day care and sometimes two of your friends one boy and one girl would say they were boyfriend and girlfriend?” I started.  
“Yeah,” He said, “What does that have to do with talking to Pat with your shirt off?”

  
“Well, you know how they used to hold hands and sometimes even hug or kiss each other on the cheek? Pat was pretty much kissing me on the cheek.” I answered.

  
“No, he was he was doing what Da does, I’m not stupid why would you let him do that?” James said looking at me.

  
“You know how sometimes you’re ok with Mum kissing you and hugging you but it doesn’t feel right when Da does it? Or how you have people at school you’re ok with hugging you or high fiving you and other people you don’t want them to do that, it’s like that when Pat touches me. It doesn’t feel bad like when Da does it so sometimes I let him hug me and stuff. He always asks me if it’s ok and if I tell him it’s not he doesn’t do it because he cares about me but, it doesn’t feel the same as when Da does that.”  
“So, he does what Da does to you but it doesn’t scare you?” James asked me and I just bit my lip and nodded my head, “But does it hurt like when Pat sticks his…” I stopped James from talking.

  
“We haven’t done that exactly and that’s something you do when you’re older with someone you love, your boyfriend or girlfriend but we kiss a lot. We cuddle. We were cuddling and kissing.” I answered.

  
“So, you don’t do with him what you do with Da?” James asked.

  
“No but, if I wanted to it would be more normal then when Da makes me do that stuff with him. You understand?” I asked.

  
“Well you said it’s not normal before for Da and Uncle Ben to do those things, touch us like that but it’s normal for people to do it with someone else?” James asked to clarify.

  
“When they love someone yeah. When it’s someone they want to spend all their time with and whenever they aren’t around they think about them and want to tell them everything. Someone they can’t imagine being without then yeah, it’s normal when they are old enough to want to touch each other like that. Make each other feel nice things if both people want to do that,” I answered.

  
“So, you’re supposed to touch each other’s privates?” James ask his eyes widening in surprise.

  
“If you feel that way about each other and you’re old enough and you both want to then yes,” I answered.

  
“Are you old enough?” James asked looking at me, “I mean I know you’re old but you’re not like mum and Da old just a little old.”

  
“Oh well thanks,” I sighed trying not to laugh at the fact a seven-year-old thought a 13-year-old me was old, “I don’t know if I’m old enough but that’s why we just kiss.” I told a little white lie.

  
“So, he wasn’t hurting you?” James asked again.

  
“No, he wasn’t hurting me Bud, I’m ok really,” I answered, “He wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t of told him it was ok.”

  
“You swear?” He asked me.

  
“Promise you can ask him if you want alone I’m sure, he’ll be honest with you. Pat would never force me to do anything I didn’t want. I promise Pat cares a lot about me just like I care about him,” I answered.

  
James looked at me and then stood up throwing his arms around my neck, “Ok I believe you,” He said, “Can we go play video games now?”

  
“Yes,” I said smiling, “Yes we can go play some video games.”

  
I followed James towards the living room sighing with relief that the conversation was over. It was one of the more mortifying conversations I have ever had with any of my siblings. Looking back, he was probably the first one to walk in on some of my alone time that was that intense. When I walked into the living room I was surprised to see my Uncle there sitting next to Pat who looked at me a tight smile on his face his hands curled into fist at his sides as Matt and Mike played a video game. James stopped, staring closely at Uncle Ben and then took a step or two back bumping into me.

  
“You’re ok I’m not here to hurt anyone just hang out Jamie,” Ben said looking past James and at me.

  
Someone coughed behind me causing me to turn my attention. It was Will leaning in the door way his body language tense even has he tried to give off the impression he was relaxed, “Why was I not invited to the party?” Will asked.

  
“No party,” I answered.

  
“Really?” Ben asked, “Looks like one to me does your Da know he’s here?” He asked cocking his head in Pat’s direction who was still sitting right next to him.

  
“I don’t know, I just kind of came over,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders trying to appear calm when I could tell really inside he was slightly panicking.

  
“What about you Johnny? You know if your Da knows that he is here or not?” He asked me standing up causing half the room to flinch and the other half to take several steps back from him.

  
“I’m not really sure?” I answered unsure of what type of answer he was looking for.

  
“You want him to find out? I’m not sure he’d be too happy after Wednesday and what happened,” Uncle Ben said an evil smile spreading across his face.

  
I felt like he had punched me as his eyes raked my frame causing me to freeze up folding my arms across my chest. I knew what he wanted and I didn’t want to give it to him. I didn’t want his hands on me, his mouth. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  
I closed my eyes taking a deep breath trying to keep myself from shaking. Before I knew it Pat and Will were both in front of me when I opened my eyes and James was behind me his little arms wrapped around my waist hugging my tightly. I felt like I couldn’t breathe feeling weak and stupid knowing they were around me trying to protect me, comfort me.

  
“You can deal with me if you like,” Pat said bravely pulling his shoulders back making himself look taller.

  
“What if I want to deal with him?” Ben asked.

  
“He’s taking a break,” Will answered, “You really want to play this game there are how many of us and one of you? Really?”

  
“You think I can’t take on two 13-year old’s an 11-year-old, 2 nine-year old’s and a seven-year-old really? I bench 250 pounds’ kids I’m sure that’s your combined weight if that,” Ben scoffed.

  
“Correction one 14-year-old,” Pat said, “And you think I won’t fight for him? You are sorely mistaken.”

  
“Why because you’re in love with him? Have you actually gotten into his pants yet? Not that that’s allowed but, just curious.” Ben said smirking as Pat’s face fell, “Is that a yes or a no?”

  
“We’re just friends!” I shouted exasperated. I hated lying but it was the only way to ensure our survival.

  
“Why is he so fucking protective of you then? If he’s not,” Ben eyes drifted downward to where my crotch would have been if Pat hadn’t been standing in front of me and bit his lip, “Well…”

  
I felt my face go red afraid he was going to tell all of my little brothers about the certain appeal I apparently held. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about how my body was so desired by him and a lot of the other handlers my Da chose to hang around with.

  
“Because he’s my best friend, he’s like my brother and I will do anything to protect him from you and anyone else who wants to touch him when he’s not cool with it, got it?” Pat hissed.

  
“What is he talking about?” Mike asked looking at me from the floor where him and Matt were sitting watching.

  
“Who?” Will asked confused.

  
“Uncle Ben,” Mike asked, “If he’s not what?”

  
“Well,” Uncle Ben said, “Johnny here is special, very special he has really great…”

  
“Math skills,” Will said cutting uncle Ben off, “Whatever it is you are going to say I’m very sure they don’t need to hear so don’t even all right?”

  
“Fine mama, whatever,” Ben said laughing slightly at his joke, “Like they don’t know what it is look who they are. Look at their life, I’ve been inside every one of them including that little piece right back there,” He said pointing a finger at James who clutched me more tightly.

  
“Stop,” I said, “This is enough ok? You need to stop.”

  
“You going to give me what I want? Or should I grab the kid attached to your hip Johnny? Your choice,” Ben said smiling at me, “I mean he’s not quite there yet but maybe he’ll taste as good as you do once he hits that point how old were you the first time you came? 10? 11? What were you doing exactly masturbating? Or were you at home on vacation? Was it Daddy? Did he make you cum for the first time?”

  
Mike walked up to me, “He’s talking about the white stuff, right?” He asked me.

  
“Hey, shut up!” Will said as my brain started to go fuzzy.

  
Pat turned to check on me and I remember his eyes getting really big and he said something but I don’t remember what he said. I remember feeling like the world was blinking in and out of focus and then I just remember feeling really sick to my stomach. Darkness claiming me.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets Vic called on him because he fainted and Vic's check up turns horribly awkward leaving John devastated and feeling betrayed. Pat shortly after leaving the house comes back in order to offer emotional support on the insistence of a terrified Will who is worried about his brothers emotional stability.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 132 to 146 Warnings: Rape/non-con, mental health issues, talk of suicidal thoughts, depression, hopelessness, inappropriate coping skills, sexual abuse, talk of past sexual abuse. Last post of the night/morning for now. Just when you thought it couldn't get darker it keeps going there doesn't it?

Next thing I knew it I was on the ground and everyone was looking down at me. Uncle Ben seemed to be gone but I still felt sick.

  
“What?” I asked as I tried to sit up and Will put his hand on my chest to keep me down.

  
“You fainted, stay where you are please,” Will answered me.

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“Yeah you hit your head hard,” James said.

  
“He’s lying Pat caught you,” Matt said looking at me.

  
“Where is Pat?” I asked trying to sit up again only to be pushed back down.

  
“He left before he punched Uncle Ben because apparently, he really wanted to,” Will said, “I’ve called Dr. Palmer and Da has heard. Uncle Ben is apparently supposed to leave you alone. He yelled at him over the com to quit whining and drink more soda.”

  
“Can I get up now?” I asked.

  
“No, no you can’t until Dr. Palmer looks at you,” Will answered me, “You want to talk to me about any of this later?”

  
“What part?” I asked glumly giving up on sitting up and just laying there.

  
“Any of it? Where he talked about James? Because I’m pretty sure that’s where you started hyperventilating and everything after that was just the cherry on top,” Will said.

  
“I’d prefer not to talk about it,” I answered.

  
Just then we heard the lift kick on and the doors opened. I was hoping it would just be Vic but nope of course Da was there too, “Are you ok baby? Your brother said you fainted and I told him to call Vic is it your sugar or something?”

  
“No, he hyperventilated himself into one,” Will answered.

  
“I’m still glad you called me because you never know,” Vic said getting out his stethoscope and blowing on it, “This might feel cold sorry about that now take a deep breath in and breathe for me please.” He said putting the cold metal against my chest under my shirt. He wasn’t lying when he said it was cold.

  
He checked a couple more things including pricking my finger as Will and Da sat there watching me. I sighed. I didn’t want either of them there honestly. I didn’t want to think about what Da was thinking about or talk about anything Will probably wanted to ask me. However, when Vic was convinced I was fine he let me sit up, warning me to do so slowly.

  
“So, he’s ok?” Da asked Vic.

  
“Yeah, he’s fine Will’s right he hyperventilated himself until he fainted which makes me wonder what was said,” Vic said looking between Will and I.

  
“Uncle Ben threatened James and then decided to ask John how old he was when he first…,” I slapped my hand over Will’s mouth.

  
“That’s enough we don’t need to repeat it,” I said smiling at Vic.

  
“I’m guessing it was a personal question that your brother doesn’t care to discuss,” Vic said looking at Will.

  
“I’m sorry baby, I mean John your Uncle needs to stop teasing you I’ll have a talk with him,” Da said, “I am however really interested in what he said but I’ll ask him or we can discuss it later. Will you can leave.” Da said dismissing Will.

  
“You sure? I mean John do you want me to stay?” He asked me.

  
“Will I’m fine, really it’s good you can go, listen to Da,” I said agreeing with Da only because I didn’t feel like getting both of us in trouble.

  
Once Will had walked away Da looked at me, “So what was the question?” He asked smiling.

  
I felt my face start going red, “When the first time I ever…ejaculated was. How old I was stuff like that.”

  
“When was that? Just curious,” My Da asked as Vic shot Da a confused look, “I’m just wondering if I was there or not that type of thing.”

  
“Vacation before we came back here,” I answered giving him a slightly annoyed look at the fact he was asking.

  
“So, I was there then?” He asked and I nodded my head feeling the heat flood my face completely, “I have a question another one have you ever done it for yourself?”

  
I sighed. Was he fucking serious? Was he really asking me that when just about every time I was on vacation from boarding school he was sneaking into my room at night after mum went to bed so he could rape me? It wasn’t something I felt like remembering. How it had happened, what he had been doing to me at the time. Of course, I had never done it for myself the feeling that flooded my body with anyone but Pat whenever I got close to climaxing was very shame inducing and I didn’t see me doing it myself making it feel any better.

  
Vic cleared his throat, “I can tell you John is very healthy in that department regardless of whether he has or hasn’t engaged in self-pleasure. Would you like me to leave?”

  
“Actually, I want you to examine him he’s had 2 days you said after three depending on how he was healing so I’m wondering if you can check,” My Da looking at him.

  
“Da,” I said shaking my head. I didn’t want someone else in my asshole I kind of wanted it to be left alone even if it was no longer sore having people invade the very small amount of space I was allowed didn’t feel great and didn’t make me love life. It made me feel sick and used and like I didn’t matter. Like nothing I wanted mattered.

  
“Baby, he’s just going to make sure you’re ok so we can…have some alone time all right? Wouldn’t it be better to just know what’s going on so I don’t have to go spent time with Will or the one of the twins when I can…”? He leaned in a whispered into my ear, “Have my favorite boy pussy? Huh?”

  
“Please,” I said not bothering to turn to look at him. I really didn’t want Vic poking around in my …well yeah.

  
“But I’m missing you so much you have no idea,” He said putting his hands on my shoulders starting to message them making my stomach climb into my throat making me feel like I was about to start puking.

  
“Well, my kit is here so I can but honestly I’m worried he won’t be healed enough for any activity,” Vic answered.

  
“Well that’s why I want you check him out, so get to it,” My Da said standing up.

  
“Da, please,” I said again shaking my head.

  
“I would rather make sure things are ok then go to …you know and find out you’re not ready yet,” he answered, “Come on baby it’s ok Vic knows we have a special relationship there is nothing to be embarrassed about ok? Vic just check him please.”

  
“Shouldn’t we go somewhere more private before I pull his pants down and actually take a look?” Vic asked.

  
“Yes of course, we can all go to his bedroom,” Da said as Vic offered me a hand to help me up.

  
I felt like I was going to start crying. If I was fine which I had a feeling I was that means whatever break I had was going to be cut short and Da obviously wasn’t going to trust Vic to do this alone with me. I didn’t want him touching me and especially didn’t want Da touching me.

  
I stood up on my own wrapping my arms across my chest I was not ok with this. I was very far from ok with this but I knew my Da wasn’t going to take no for an answer and even though Vic was not ok with it he wasn’t allowed to say no either. We walked to my bedroom and once we got in there my Da shut the door and took off his shirt.

  
“Woah, what are you doing Connor?” Vic asked looking at him, “I have to check him first.”

  
“Well, I thought you might want to join me if he was fine,” Da said, “I know you’re a little shy but he is beautiful, isn’t he? John come on drop your pants.”

  
“Thank you for the offer but, I have things I have to do,” Vic answered his cheeks lighting up slightly.

  
“Oh, come on you can’t be that shy no one ever sees you touch any of them and honestly we’re beginning to wonder if maybe that’s how people keep getting out. Maybe it’s because of you. Before when Dr. Huntz was doing more work, we didn’t nearly have as many people leaving,” Da said before turning to me and undoing his pants, “John now.”

  
“Oh, trust me I’m into it I just like to be private,” Vic said pulling out some latex gloves and putting them on, “John if you could,” He said giving me a half smile his eyes looking apologetic as he stared at me.

  
“P…,” I started to say but Da just glared at me.

  
“I don’t want to hear another word from you I want you to do it so Vic can check you. If Vic doesn’t do this, I’m going to have to report it to Lord and you want Vic to die because some little brat wouldn’t bend over?” Da asked me as I felt my eyes widen at the thought, “That’s what I thought.”

  
I sighed heavily and pulled my pants and underwear off using my hands to cover myself, “Where do you want me?” I asked quietly.

  
“Just bend over the bed ok?” Vic said coming up to me and grabbing me by the hips making me flinch, as he bent over and whispered into my ear, “I’m so fucking sorry.” And then said loud enough for my Da to hear, “Ok just spread your legs apart a little bit this is probably going to feel a little cold sorry.” he said as he spread my cheeks to look, “Well I don’t see anything on the outside no tearing or bruising, no hemorrhoids so I think you’re ok.” He said.

  
“Awesome,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me, “Come here baby,” He said grabbing me by the neck of my shirt and pulling me up onto the bed and then pulling my shirt off so I was naked he maneuvered so I was laying down and he was on top of me and started kissing my neck making me close my eyes hoping he would stop but knowing he wouldn’t as he started kissing down my chest.

  
I swallowed I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him on top of me, my skin already crawling. I wanted him to stop I wanted to shout no as loud as my voice would allow but I knew doing that would only earn me threats and hard hands which I wasn’t sure I preferred.

  
“It’s ok, just relax, Vic why don’t you get in here and join the fun?” He said looking up from where his face was hovering around my belly button as he licked from my right hip to my left.

  
Vic came towards me slowly sitting on the pillows above my head before he leaned down and kisses me lightly on the lips. I saw the desperation in his face, how he didn’t want to do this to me. How he didn’t want to hurt me even as he slid his tongue past my lips and into my mouth.

  
My Da engulfed me with his mouth sending a shudder through my body as I went to push him off Vic grabbing my arms and holding them down as he continued to kiss me making me gasps into his mouth around his tongue that was trying to keep me distracted. I didn’t want this.

  
I started struggling as best I could which wasn’t enough. Tears starting to fall down my face as I tried to breath and that pressure started building in my groin. Vic clamped down on my forearms holding them in a vice grip as I fought against them his eyes pleading with me to just stop fighting as it started to get harder to breath because the blood was rushing through my body to certain locations as they got stimulated by the warmness around it his one hand on my hip while his other held my base and he sucked making me groan into Vic’s mouth.

  
It felt like a wave building in intensity as it moved towards shore the tingling in my body, slowly building momentum getting stronger and stronger until finally my eye lids fluttered and my eyes started to roll back into my head as it finally hit its peak causing my body to twitch and spasm under my Da’s grasps as he sucked at me happily, greedily. When I was spent, he pulled away and Vic broke the kiss so my Da could shove his tongue down my throat making me taste myself. I thought it tasted gross and not sweet at all but whatever. When he broke the kiss, I gasped for air.

  
“You want a turn?” My Da asked Vic, moving Edgerly to the side climbing off of me so Vic could do what he wanted.

  
“I huh, I’m into other activities,” Vic answered looking at me a millisecond of nervousness spreading across his face before he managed to clear it of all emotions.

  
“What? Are you a prostate guy because that makes him make the most delicious sounds, you’ll be rock hard before he cums,” My Da said causing me to cover my face with my now free hands, “Or are you more about your own pleasure and that’s why no one ever sees what you do?”

  
“His body language is telling me he’s not into this,” Vic said looking at my Da who sighed heavily.

  
“You have any lube?” My Da asked looking at Vic, “Give me some lube I’ll show you.”

  
Vic sighed, “I’m really thinking that he’s not ok with this.”

  
“Since when does that matter to you, I’ve seen you pull plenty of boys into a back room in the past while they were crying unless of course you aren’t one of us. You don’t share our ideals. Is that what you are telling me Vic?” My Da asked him, “I’ll grab the old favorite. Hold on baby,” he said kissing my cheek and getting up walking over to the night stand.

  
“Please Da I want to…” He glared at me.

  
“You say any of those words and I will cut your tongue out and shove it up your ass baby I mean it,” He said making me shut up instantly.

  
“Would you really?” Vic asked looking at my Da.

  
“Well,” My Da smiled taking the Vaseline out of my nightstand drawer, “Probably not his tongue but mine for sure, or his brothers maybe which he would hate so … close enough you want to taste him before I put this up there? It makes him squeal quite a bit.”

  
“I’m not…,” My Da shot him a look, “Yeah, ok,” He said gingerly sitting down on the bed next to me where I was still laying stalk still afraid of what was going to happen.

  
He moved to straddle me, his hands grabbing my wrists and forcing them above head as he kissed me on the lips and then covered my jaw and neck with light kisses and he got to my ear, “I’m so sorry bear with me please god.” He said before trailing more kisses down the side of my face and my body, “Roll over,” He said his voice thick and husky as he moved.

  
I sighed trying to hold it together, trying to keep myself calm as I rolled over so I was laying on my stomach because I knew what he was about to do his kisses on my neck and then he licked his way down my spine to my tail bone. I closed my eyes tightly as his tongue slid around my tail bone and into my crack causing me to gasps. I hated this. I wanted to scream but instead bit into my arm to keep myself silent.

  
“See? Nice sounds he’d make more if he wasn’t stifling them,” My Da said pinching my nose close until I was forced to open my mouth to breathe and the he grabbed my arms and pulled them forward into his lap, “No more of that, I want to hear those sounds baby, they make me feel so good inside even without touching you. Just hearing you makes me hard.” He said holding onto my arms tightly.

  
Vic drove his tongue into me moving it around which caused me to whimper. I was mortified that I couldn’t keep myself from making sounds as Vic’s hands messaged my butt and his tongue explored my insides. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want them touching me I didn’t want their hands on me.

  
I felt the pressure building again and then Vic’s hand shifted. I knew what he was going to do and I knew it was partly for show but I didn’t want him to. I bit into my cheek to keep myself from crying out from begging them to stop because I didn’t want it. I wanted them to let me go and I knew they weren’t going to until Vic proved to Da that he was one of them.

  
“Good boy,” My Da cooed running a hand through my hair making me try to jerk away, “No, no calm down, calm you’re doing so good baby, so good because I know there are so many lies on your lips and you’re holding them back you’re doing great. Listen to your body, listen to what your body wants.”

  
“Shit,” Vic muttered into my tail bone and something in his voice sounded not right making me shiver as his reached forward and grabbed something and then I felt his wet well lubed finger prodding against my hole slowly pushing its way in.  
“See? He’s fun, isn’t he?” My Da said.

  
“Yes, actually he’s a lot of fun,” Vic said as his finger finally went all the way in.

  
I moaned despite my best efforts my eyes going wide as his finger started moving, feeling for that one spot that would make my dick weep with. It hit that spot sending an electrical shock through my system making my whole-body jump. I wanted them to let me go this wasn’t fair this was so not fair. I knew I was crying as my Da ran his hands through my hair and cooed encouragement into my ear telling me how I was being so good. Vic petted that spot over and over again until I couldn’t hold it anymore and I was screaming and I knew I was screaming but I couldn’t stop myself and I couldn’t stop my body from giving them that response the response that they so desired.

  
“You feel better baby?” Da asked bending over so his face was in my neck upside down kissing me.

  
Vic’s weight shifted off of my legs and he was silent for a moment, “Well he’s fine, he’s healthy,” Vic said before clearing his throat loudly, “Am I good to go? Do you believe I hold the same ideals the brotherhood promotes or is there anything else I need to do to prove myself?”

  
“No, you can go, give us some alone time. If you want to stay and entertain yourself elsewhere you are more than welcome,” Da said letting go of my wrists and getting up allowing me to curl myself into a ball.

  
I squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears with my hands. I didn’t want to hear them anymore. I didn’t want to think about them anymore or feel them I just wanted to be able to disappear but I knew. I knew he wasn’t done that he wasn’t going to be finished with me. The door closed behind Vic sounding muffled and I flinched as the weight of the bed shifted when my Da sat down on it. I didn’t open my eyes as he pried my hands from my ears.

  
“You did great baby, you really did you were awesome. God you’re always so awesome,” He said pushing his weight forward on me so I was forced onto my back as he moved his hand sliding to feel underneath me his fingers prodding gently as he climbed on top of me and he sighed, “I think you can take me if I go nice and slow for you. You think I’m, right?” He asked me.

  
“Daddy,” I started to beg but he hushed me putting his finger against my lips as his weight shifted a couple times over top of me.

  
“Don’t be that way now baby, not after you’ve been so good. I can make this nice yeah? Just relax it’ll feel just as good as everything Vic did if not better I promise. I love you baby I want to make you feel good,” He said as he positioned himself between my legs and moved his hips forward starting to slid into me.

  
“It hurts,” I said as the slight searing heat spread up my nerve endings my whole body shaking as he forced himself up inside me.

  
“It’s ok just give it a minute, just relax ok baby? Just relax and it’ll feel good you know it’ll feel good. There you go, that’s it. God you’re always so tight my special boy,” He moaned leaning forward over me his hands caressing my face and neck as he pressed a kiss to my mouth starting to thrusts. I whimpered softly into his shoulder trying to keep myself from crying because I was afraid it was going to make him angry. I wanted to die. I wanted to close my eyes and fade into nothingness. My whole body betraying me each thrust spreading a shiver up my spine and making my eyes want to roll as I tried to keep my breathing even.

  
“Feels great, doesn’t it? Yeah that’s my good boy, god I love you, oh fuck yes,” He kept moaning into my ear as he pushed in and out putting light pressure on that spot that made me feel like I was melting and then pulling it away over and over again making me wish I could just die as I tried my hardest to keep my whimpers barely audible.

  
He hit it one more time sending me gasping as my eyes rolled my eyelids flickering as I orgasmed covering both of us in my cum and he reached climax inside me. He was shivering with the force of his climax as I was with mine before he pulled out of me. Rolling off of me and pulling me close to his skin even though there wasn’t really a lot of room for us to not be touching because of my tiny twin bed. I felt sick. My whole body making me wish I could just die. He kissed me several times our calmly skin sticking to each other the whole room smelling of both of us, of sex and sweat and sin.

  
“God that’s why I love you, always so amazing,” He said standing up and grabbing my shirt from the floor wiping himself off with it before he used it to wipe off my stomach making me shiver, “I would stay but, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you later tonight? Sleep with me.” He said making it a statement not a question or request. He forced his tongue past my lips one more time as he bent over me before he did up his pants, “Just rest I know that was certainly a work out for me so I can only imagine how much it was for you with how hard you squeezed around me, god it was one of the best fucks I’ve ever had, definitely in our top two.”

  
I curled into back into my ball. Wishing I could move but not finding the energy. I don’t know how long I was there before someone knocked on the door. My brain didn’t have the energy to freak out and was barely able to squeak out a reply.

  
“Come in,” I managed to mumble.

  
“Hey,” Will said quietly, “You ok?”

  
I finally directed my eyes up from where I was staring at nothing, “Do I really need to answer?” I barely whispered.

  
“Is there anything I can do?” He asked me.

  
“Let me die,” I answered.

  
“John?” Will said a frown spreading from his eyes into the rest of his face.

  
“Please, just let me die,” I said and Will covered his mouth to hide the fact his chin was shaking.

  
“I can’t do that John,” He answered back his voice breaking as he reached out a hand towards me which caused me to twitch.

  
“Don’t touch me,” I answered in response to him reaching out for me, “No one needs to touch me.”

  
He withdrew his hand slowly, “Ok,” He nodded his head, “Maybe you just need some sleep?”

  
“No, I need a new life, a new body,” I answered honestly.

  
“Can I draw you a bath? Get you some water? Call Pat? Anything,” Will asked me quietly trying to get something from me.

  
I sighed, “He wants me to spend the night with him. He’s not going to let me say no. I’m not allowed to say no.”

  
“Ok, stay here all, right? I’m going to call Pat. I’ll be back don’t go anywhere,” He said before he got up and walked swiftly from the room.

  
All I could think about was the coming night. How he would make me do that again, try to go deeper into me try to pull out whatever little bit of my soul was left so he could rip it into pieces and poke holes in it. How he wanted to kill me from the inside out slowly how I deserved it. I still couldn’t find the energy to move and don’t know how long I laid there before the door burst open making me literally jump out of my skin and it was him.

  
I looked at him looking at me and I broke, anything that was left in me broke and I started sobbing as he wrapped his arms around me holding my head gently against his chest as he cried into my hair as he tried his best to soothe me even though he was crying and in pain as well. He rocked me slowly back and forth on my bed as I wrapped my arms around him holding him tightly against me. When we both done crying he sighed.

  
“My rabbit,” He said, “If I could…”

  
“You can’t,” I said breaking off his sentence, “There isn’t anything you can do but let me die.”

  
“You can’t die Rabbit, I need you, your brothers and sisters need you, your mom when she gets back she’s going to need you, don’t give up, not yet,” He begged me.

  
“It’s just going to happen, again and again and again until it’s all I am,” I answered, “He’s he’s worse than anyone else.”

  
“He’ll slow down, I promise he will Rabbit you’ll outgrow him,” Pat said.

  
“No I won’t I’m growing into him,” I said choking on my own sobs, “When he picked me up from the airport all he could do was say how he couldn’t wait to get me home to see how much I have matured. How he wanted to see what…”

  
“You can’t let them destroy you like this Rabbit, you can’t please I’m begging you I will get on my knees and beg you not to give up please. I need you I need you so much you can’t just let this happen to yourself please,” He said as he began to cry again.  
“I don’t know what to do Pat, I’m so tired. I want my body to belong to me, I want control over my life and I’m never going to have that not with him here. I thought I was free of him you know? I thought I was free just for him to …,” I couldn’t talk about it anymore. It hurt too much I really was too tired. I was too tired to think about what he was planning to do to me that night. What his plans probably were for the coming days. I knew it could be worse but, either way I hated it, it was too much.

  
The thought of his hands on my skin and his lips and tongue against me as he pushed into me in ways that he shouldn’t. That I didn’t want that made him moan praises into my skin and made my eyes go wide as he hit against me his body connecting to mine touching the very core of what I thought I was. Using me in a way that he shouldn’t want to use me. I was so tired I just wanted him to stop, wanted all of it to stop and I knew that the only way for that goal to truly be achieved was the escape him and his friends and the only way I could ever really do that was to die.

  
“I wish I had an answer but, I’m here please don’t leave me in this mess Rabbit, please I’ll do anything I can to help you to make this better for you. You want me to get some drugs? I’ll ask Cole he’ll help me hook you up with something but don’t kill yourself please I’m begging you don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you Rabbit I can’t,” Pat said and I saw the desperation in his face. The desperation that made me want to promise him the moon and stars that made me want to give him my left arm if it would make his pain go away.

  
“I’ll try but I’m beyond tired Pat, I feel like I’m already half dead on the inside,” I whispered into his collar bone through his shirt my cheek was right up against his skin pressing my body against his. So, that I could feel him instead of feel my Da’s hands on me still.

  
Pat took my chin in his hand and gently tilted my face up until our eyes met and he was staring intently at me, “That’s all I’m asking for you to do is try. And I don’t see you as half dead if you were half dead it wouldn’t hurt so much. Trust me,” He said before he kissed my forehead.

  
I couldn’t stand being this close to him and having our skin not touch a second longer. I pulled the comforter off my upper body wrapping it around his shoulders as I pushed myself against him. I wanted to feel him, his skin on my skin and I started to pull his shirt over his head but he grabbed my hands.

  
“We can’t rabbit, ok, we can’t there are so many reasons why we can’t,” He said holding onto my arms lightly making me stop.

  
“I need you,” I said starting to feel a panic rise in my chest, “Please I need to feel you.”

  
“I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere for right now. Calm down Rabbit, please we can’t do that. You know we can’t do that,” He said kissing my face.

  
“I need to feel you inside me and not him please babe, I’m begging you please,” I pleaded with him.

  
“Rabbit, no sweetie god I hate having to say no but it won’t help you trust me, it only helps for a second and then you’ll hate me forever. You’re not ready it can’t be like this just let me hold you,” He said letting go of my wrists as I quit trying to get his shirt off his hand running through my hair as he laid back on my bed holding me to his chest against his shirt.

  
I don’t know how long we laid like that, how long it was before we drifted off to sleep him holding me in his arms, my head pressed to his chest listening to his heart beat letting it send calmness through me with each slow pulse as his heart contracted sending blood through his body, sending life moving under his skin. After a while the door cracked back open the brightness from the hallway light feeling alien, like an invader.

  
“Pat?” I heard Will whisper.

  
“Yeah?” Pat asked his hand absently mindedly raking gently though my hair again.

  
“Is he going to be ok?” Will asked.

  
Pat didn’t say anything to him for a moment and I did my best to keep still and silent. Not wanting to let them know I was awake, that I was listening. He breathed a heavy sigh his chest expanding as his lungs filled with air moving underneath me, “I don’t’ know.” He answered after a minute.

  
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Will asked.

  
“He promised he would try, that he would keep trying but I honestly don’t know if he’ll be ok and it scares the hell out of me,” He answered my brother honestly.

  
“Why do you think it’s so hard for him?” Will asked Pat suddenly.

  
At first I didn’t really understand the question and then I realized. He was asking Pat why I had such a hard time dealing with the abuse. Dealing with the way Da made me feel. His friends, all of it. Why it seemed as if Will, he did put up with some of the same stuff I did seemed to fair so much better emotionally then I did.

  
“Well, he’s your older brother. Every time he can’t protect any of you he sees it as him failing. He can’t protect you guys, he can’t protect himself he feels like no matter what he does it’s his fault. Alice probably didn’t help any,” Pat said.

  
“He can’t protect us it’s not his job. It’s Da’s job and it’s a job he doesn’t want. We need to protect ourselves it’s not on John. It’s really not and I keep telling him that but he doesn’t believe me. And what did Alice do?” Will asked.

  
“He feels like it is because your Da doesn’t. He’s always going to feel like it is because he loves you guys so much. Alice said that he’s old enough to fight back like she knows anything about what they do. They would beat him within an inch of his life if he fought back against them. He’s 13 what the hell is a 13-year-old supposed to do about guys like them,” Pat sighed and I felt his arm move up to his face.

  
“Da’s not…,” Will traveled off.

  
“Yeah because none of you fight him. The fact that he’s not violent tells me that if you did fight back he would snap. He’s more dangerous than my Dad and none of you realize it yet. I’ve heard stories about guys like your Dad when they snap. Guys like him need complete control or they aren’t happy and if they get unhappy you better be very very careful you got me? John is handling your Da the only correct way there is which is laying there and closing your eyes and waiting for it to be over. None of this is his fault he’s surviving,” Pat hissed.

  
“I wasn’t arguing with you Pat. I have no idea how to handle any of them. The basement that is the first time I’ve been through any of that stuff and it was scary. Do they do that all the time?” Will asked.

  
“It just depends I guess. They pass us around. The trade us off to each other the blind fold thing though, that they did to John and Cole I’ve never seen them do that before. However, I don’t imagine that being very pleasant,” Pat answered him.

  
“Yeah it didn’t look pleasant. I mean I can just imagine not being able to tell who is doing what. It’s bad enough when you can see them. Tell who is who,” Will said, “He doesn’t talk about it you know?”

  
“Would you? I mean all due respect and I know talking about your uncle the stuff you’ve told me while he’s been resting has helped you but, he’s dealing with a lot of very intense stuff they …your Dad sells him to people. They just have to give your Dad some money and they can do whatever they want to him within your Dad’s limits I’m sure. They aren’t very nice to him. I’ve seen them shove things in places where you don’t want anyone putting anything, their tongues, toys, obviously their penis’s they’ve whipped him. Why do you think his back is so messed up right now? They bite him I’ve seen my Dad bite kids so hard he draws blood and I know he’s done that to John because John is just his type.”

  
“Hank bites people?” Will asked quietly.

  
“Yeah, those round circle scars on John’s chest? I think he has two or three of them those are from my Dad biting him and my Da hurts. He’s rough he’ll make guys bleed sometimes Arthur’s the same way and I know John’s been with them together at least once. He won’t talk about Leo. But from what I’ve heard Leo is very much like your Dad very controlling if things don’t go exactly how he wants them to he gets angry.”

  
“If he doesn’t talk about Leo how do you know what he’s like?” Will asked.

  
Each time they said his name it took everything in me to keep still. His name felt like a fist impacting against my stomach making me feel sick and breathless. I was really afraid of him. I still have trouble saying his name out loud. I don’t call my Da by his name either. I like to think they are dead pretend they are dead somewhere but even hearing someone else named that induces gut wrenching fear in the back of my mind.

  
“Kristoff,” Pat said and Will must have given him a confused look, “Tall guy, blond hair brown eyes, kind of stubbly around the face friends with Cole.”

  
“Oh, yeah I think I remember who you are talking about,” Will said.

  
“Kristoff isn’t very open about it either but, I asked him after the movie theater last year what Leo was like. He said Leo and Tony forced him and this other kid to make a movie. When the other kid wouldn’t do what he was told Leo kicked him repeatedly until he coughed up blood and then they had to postpone everything for like three weeks. However next time they brought him back in and the same kid that kid was very cooperative,” Pat said, “Just to give you an idea of how dangerous these guys can be.”

  
“Da almost choked me once,” Will commented, “When I refused to let him…suck me.”

  
“That doesn’t surprise me. They’ve probably done that to him too. You know they’ve broken his arm once, sprained it another time, he’s constantly covered in bruises,” Pat said.

  
“You mean like the ones all over his neck I thought that was from them kissing him too hard,” Will said.

  
“He has a lot of bruises in other places you don’t get to see,” Pat said and I felt Pat twitch slightly.

  
“He has bruises in places I don’t…are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Will asked a bit of shock in his voice.

  
“What him and I do in private between us isn’t for you to know,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders which caused me to move, “Rabbit? Are you waking up?” He asked me quietly.

  
“A little,” I answered in response knowing my cover was blown rubbing the sleep from my eyes to look at Will, “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked him as he stared at me wide-eyed in shock.

  
“I thought you said you’d only fooled around like for real for real like once,” Will said the look still not disappearing from his face.

  
“Fooled around…oh, yeah,” I said.

  
“He says your bruised in places I don’t get to see,” Will said shaking his head.

  
“PAT no,” I said shaking my head, “Really you had to tell him that?”

  
“You guys need to stop I don’t care how much you like each other they will kill you,” Will said, “You know they will kill you and I can’t lose either of you so just stop.”

  
“Will we’re not, ok it’s not like that,” I said covering my face with my hands as I sat up.

  
“Said the naked guy,” Will said looking at me and then I realized that he was very correct and underneath the blankets I was still naked after what my Da had done to me earlier making me blush.

  
“Listen to me, if we were it’s not your concern Will. Really, it’s fine I can’t anyway I’m contracted,” Pat said grabbing the blanket and pulling it over my shoulders so I could cover myself.

  
“Says the guy I caught dry humping said naked guy in the pool,” Will said and I felt my face go red.

  
“What?” I asked trying to pretend I was innocent.

  
“I’m 11 I’m not stupid you didn’t have any pants on John what did you think I would think you were doing? And he was naked for fuck sake,” Will said, “You don’t remember that?’

  
“In John’s defense, he didn’t have pants on because he was kind of attacked by your Uncle who was trying very hard to force his way into said non-existing pants,” Pat said, “And I was naked because I was trying to draw his attention else where your Uncle’s not John’s.”

  
“Yeah well that was super gross just so you know, I came in to tell you food was ready so Pat if you would like to eat please come with me because right now I’m having trouble trusting you two alone in a room together,” Will said.

  
“We were just in a room alone together for hours and nothing happened and I’m older then you are,” I answered him.

  
“Again, coming from the naked guy,” Will said rolling his eyes, “Pat come on. Don’t cause yourselves more trouble than you need please.”

  
“Ok I’m coming, get dressed I’ll see you at the table all, right?” Pat said.

  
“Actually, I think John’s eating …,” Will said his face falling.

  
“Oh,” I said quietly, “He told you that?”

  
“No Alice, I’m not sure she even really knows what it means,” Will said.

  
“What did I miss?” Pat asked.

  
“He wants me to eat with him which means I probably won’t be eating,” I answered.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” Pat asked me.

  
“I have to be, don’t I? I promised I would try,” I said standing up not even caring that I was naked anymore because I knew clothing probably wasn’t going to be in my future.

  
“Holy shit!” Will hissed as he covered his eyes with his hands.

  
“Really Rabbit? I think you just scarred him for life,” Pat said holding back laughter.

  
“Well the way he made it sound I wasn’t allowed PJ’s exactly so…whatever,” I said getting up and grabbing a robe to tie around my waist.

  
“I’ve seen him naked before just his waist is…,” Will said blushing just thinking about the fact he had looked that closely at me.

  
“What starched up and black and blue? Yeah, I told you,” Pat said, “Thighs, knees, you know…”

  
“Why were you talking about me while I was asleep?” I asked looking at the two of them.

  
“Sorry, it was my fault John, I I’m worried ok?” Will said.

  
“Well don’t be there isn’t anything anyone can do about it. Now I’m going to go downstairs, all right? I’ll see you in the morning. Have Alice get everyone in bed by 8:30 ok? No buts Pat I’ll walk you out, all right?” I said reaching a hand out which Pat took and squeezed gently.

  
Pat walked to the lift with me holding my hand as I pushed the button. He didn’t say anything to me until we got in the lift and even then, I don’t remember what at first because all I could focus on was his hand in mine until I couldn’t stand it and the desire to feel him on me, any part of him on me overwhelmed me. I needed something to get me through this, anything to get me through this. I looked at him and he scrunched his nose at me amused before our lips met my tongue exploring his mouth tickling the roof of it as he laughed into our kiss.

  
“I’ll never understand how I make you so happy,” He said smiling as our kiss broke and he still held me in his arms.

  
“You make me want to fight, you try to keep me safe. You make me feel alive even when everything else makes me want to be dead, why shouldn’t I be happy about that?” I asked him.

  
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t I’m just saying I’m nothing special even though apparently, you and Delia both disagree,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders as the lift came to a stop on the second floor, “I’ll see you later ok?”

  
“I’ll have Will call you and let you know when you can come over again, probably this weekend if I can manage to sneak out. Since I don’t think Da’s too happy about what happened. I’m not even honestly sure how he feels about you being here earlier if he even knows,” I said.

  
“Ok, let me know though all right?” He pleaded with me, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too,” I said giving him a hug as the lift open and making sure we were broken apart before the door exposed us all the way.

  
I didn’t walk him to the front door feeling a bit naked with only the robe on to cover me but I figured he would make it safely outside as I walked him down the hallway to the front steps and watched him open the door as he turned back one last time and smiled a sad smile waving at me meekly. I sighed. I wasn’t ready to do this.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John struggles to accept his reality. The fact that he doesn't belong to himself. That he belongs to everyone else. He can't even find the ability to fight it anymore. Can barely understand the reason to keep going. It's become too much. It hurts too much and everything seems worthless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 147 to 169. Warnings: RAPE/non-con, Forced Oral, Forced Anal, sensory deprivation (sight), talk of child abuse, talk of mental illness, talk of self-neglect, anxiety, depression, talk of substance abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. While this is a very emotional chapter and takes place in one spot in Connor's bedroom. I feel like I capture John's emotional state well here but I'm not 100% sure. Some readers might find it repetitive but when you're in that place (trust me I've been there myself) you find it hard to think. You're brain is almost like a broken record the same verse of the song repeating over and over again. John's brain is just looking for a way out, a way to process what's going on and all the things Connor has told him are going to happen. The visit from Catherine is just to remind everyone that his brothers and sisters are still there, probably the purpose of the visit for John too however it also reminds him of how deeply fucked up his world is where his little sister lives a life where those are questions she has. Questions no five-year-old should ever have to worry about. Let me know what you think.

I wasn’t ready to become his slave again. I wanted control I wanted permission to say no and I knew that was something I didn’t have. As I turned back around to head back down the hallway my throat and mouth went dry. As I opened the bedroom door I felt like I had stopped breathing, like my life was in an intermission waiting for the curtain to rise again.

  
After a few minutes of sitting in the chair on my own the door opened slowly. Making my eyes go wide. It was Da with a tray of food.

  
“Smart boy, no clothes good,” he said.

  
I shifted uncomfortably as he drew attention to how exposed I was. I wanted to ask him questions but instead I bit my lip keeping them to myself. It didn’t matter what the answers were and I knew it. It would like last time, like November. I would do as I was told and that was that and I knew that was how it was going to go.

  
“Can I keep the robe for now or just…,” I gestured with my hands wondering if he wanted to see me naked.

  
“Baby why do you always get so shy huh? It’s not like I haven’t seen your body before. You would think after all the sex we’ve had you’d be less shy about it,” he said an amused smile playing across his face.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s my body I just…I don’t know.”

  
“Is it ok if you don’t eat, it cuts down on the mess you know,” he said making me feel more like he was demanding I didn’t eat and less like he was asking if I wanted to.

  
“I’m not hungry it’s fine I just…” I trailed off fidgeting.

  
“God it’s so sexy when you bite your lip,” he said making me acutely aware of what I was doing, making me stop, “Don’t be like that baby, you’re fine really. I know you want it, I just wish you wouldn’t lie to yourself about it.”

  
“Da I really…,” I started.

  
“John don’t lie to yourself ok? You could say no and fight me on it if you really didn’t like it,” he said grabbing a carrot stick from his plate and biting into it.

  
I swallowed hard. I didn’t like it and I didn’t want it. I was just afraid of the what the consequences of fighting him would be. Would he go to one of my brothers like he always threatened to do and had done at least once before when I had refused him? Would he beat me or my mum? Would he just hand me over to someone else who depending on the situation would make it worse, make it hurt in a different way that would leave me sore and unable to walk instead of just uncomfortable in my own skin? Everything about him made me nervous, made me hate myself.

  
I nodded my head slowly before I spoke, “Ok,” I answered quietly.

  
He smiled at me, his eyes lighting up. If the predator behind them hadn’t been easily visible I might have seen the Da I used to have. The Da I had as a little boy briefly between the ages of nine and 12. The Da who took me to the zoo with my brothers and who played catch with me in the front yard of our flat or walked with me in the park. Not this Da, not the Da who snuck into my room at night, who pressed rough kisses against my skin and made me want to die. The Da who smacked mum whenever she confronted him and threatened to leave him. The Da who said he would make one of my little brothers suffer because I refused to be good, refused to obey.

  
He moved towards me as I closed my eyes trying to keep myself calm, trying to find some composure within myself. I didn’t open my eyes again until his face was buried in my neck his hands undoing the tie holding my robe closed. I felt the heat flood my face as I tried to stay calm, tried to hold back any pleas I might have or appeals for him to stop as his hands slid my robe from my shoulders to the floor.

  
“God you’re so beautiful,” he mused caressing my cheek with one hand while his other reached down to grab my penis feeling it as his eyes traveled down inspecting it, “You’re going to be so huge when you’re done growing you know that?” He said referring to the size of my member making me blush a deep hue of red.

  
I swallowed not sure what to say or do as his eyes gazed at my naked my body making me feel vulnerable as he started to rub, “Come here,” he said not letting go of me but forcing me to move with his hand still on me lest I be injured as he moved us towards the bed where he forced me backwards so I was laying on my back as he hovered above me.

  
“You have any idea what you do to me?” He said finally letting go and peeling himself out of his clothes faster than I could come up with a response.

  
I averted my eyes. I hated seeing him naked, knowing what it meant. I hated the feeling of his skin against mine when he grinded against me pressing me into the whatever surface was underneath me or behind me. Him being naked was always a very very bad thing and so whenever possible I tried to ignore when he was stripped of his clothing.

  
“Hey, back to earth space cadet,” he said drawing my gaze back to his face with the wave of his hand, “Don’t check out on me I want to enjoy this. It’s hard to enjoy it when I know you’re not here too ok baby?” He said using his fingers to tip my Jaw lightly upward so our eyes met.

  
“Sorry,” I mumbled wishing he would just get on with it so that I didn’t have to pretend I was ok with it anymore.

  
“Why do you do that?” He asked me.

  
“What?” I asked not sure what else to say, how to keep talking to him when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting for him to drive the knife into my back that would send me careening over the edge into the blackness below.

  
“Why do you check out?” He clarified for me.

  
“What do you mean by check out?” I asked him.

  
“When we’re together, I see it I’m not stupid after a while you kind of go limp or something in your eyes just change like a light switch being turned off and you’re not you anymore. Why do you do that?” He asked me again.

  
“I-I-I don’t know,” I answered giving only a half truth. Not wanting to tell him I wasn’t sure how I made it happen but that it was preferable to feeling him on top of me, to struggling with how my body felt because he was right and it did feel good and I hated that fact.

  
His hand slid down my rib cage to my hip as he moved forward placing a kiss on my nipple catching me by surprise, “Try to stay with me this time huh beautiful?” He asked as his tongue poked out of his mouth and drifted across my left nipple before it disappeared into his mouth making me tense making my skin crawl.

  
He started nibbling and licking slow circles around it making me tense even further as he pressed his pelvis against mine, his hardness evident, “Oookk,” I said pushing at him lightly hoping he would stop or slow down.

  
“Shhh, relax, relax,” he said his hands rubbing up and down my sides massaging my hips and waist as he continued.

  
“Wait, please,” I begged starting to wiggle underneath him trying to find shelter from his touch, any type of escape.

  
“Just enjoy it, I want to go nice and slow ok?” He said his mouth still against my nipple the words tickling.

  
“Da please,” I pleaded with him as his thumbs slid around the back of my hips pressing hard into my back as he forced my pelvis to tilt towards him using his hands.

  
“Shhh, baby your ok trust me,” he said starting to kiss his way down my chest.

  
The act Making my eyes go wide as I tried to force myself to keep breathing. Why didn’t he understand this didn’t feel good because it didn’t feel right? Why couldn’t he remember how much this hurt when the same thing had happened to him as a kid?  
“Da please,” I begged again biting my lip to keep it from trembling as my eyes started filling with tears, his kisses landing below my belly button.

  
“Just relax you’re already hard so now we have to fix it, don’t we?” He asked stroking me softly making my back arch as the cold fire spread from my groin and up my spine paralyzing me and making my breath hitch in my throat.

  
I didn’t want this, I didn’t want this my brain kept screaming at me but my whole body felt frozen, almost like a dead thing I couldn’t control. His mouth engulfed me sending my eyes fluttering my shoulders tensing up against my ears hiding my neck as I exhaled deeply through my mouth trying to keep myself breathing as my toes started to curl. God why did this have to feel so good? Why did my body have to hate me so much? He stopped for a minute gliding his thumb over my slit making my insides jump.

  
“Feels good yeah?” He mumbled before taking me back into his mouth my tip hitting something in the back of his throat making me moan before he released me again making a popping noise sounding as I left his mouth, he laughed lightly, “You really like this don’t you.”

  
“I--…” I tried to tell him no. To tell him to stop but my body didn’t want to work. My voice seizing in my throat.

  
I felt the icy static spread from deep inside my body moving forward outward away from my core as his slid a finger gently inside of me, laughing lightly against my shaft as I moaned involuntarily. Half of my face feeling hot with a blush while the other side felt pale scared and frozen. I didn’t want this I hated this. Every cell in my body on fire with that cold ice.

  
“Shit,” I muttered despite myself as he added another finger bumping up against that place inside of me and it started to send me over the edge, his sucking quickening as I started to drip. I hated myself. I hated myself so completely if I could have I would have shot myself in the face eating a gun to stop my body from doing what it was doing. From responding to him as I shuddered with orgasm and he swallowed it all pulling away gasping as I started to go flaccid for the moment.

  
“You’re amazing,” he breathed into my hip his kisses trailing their way back up my left side as he moved positioning himself in-between my legs using his shoulders to hold my knees apart as his pushed himself against me sliding past the first ring making me jump and hiss slightly at how uncomfortably filling it was.

  
“Da, can we…” I started to say before he clamped his hand over my mouth.

  
“Don’t baby just relax I made you feel good now you have to make me feel good ok? Just calm down no protesting,” he said sliding in the rest of the way making me whimper, “It’s ok, you’re great you feel so great.” he breathed into my ear leaning into me pushing forwards and upwards almost hurting making me want to struggle because I felt impaled.

  
He rolled his hips pulling them backwards releasing some of the pressure before he buried himself into me again thrusting forward hitting that spot that made sparks erupt behind my eyes and made me stop breathing. I didn’t want this, this hurt, this was painful but felt amazing all at once. I hated it.

  
I hated it with every fiber of my being deep down into my core. I hated being his toy. He mumbled encouragement into my ear as I tried my hardest to keep myself silent. To keep from making any sound at all my whole-body shuddering with his every movement as my own knees hit me in the chest his hands on my rib cage as he planted gently kisses against my skin muttering praises.

  
I felt him finish as I rode out my own second climax before he pulled out grabbing me and pulling me close to him helping me move my body from the foot of the bed up towards the head of it because it didn’t want to cooperate my whole physical being feeling like a wet noodle unable to move of its own accord.

  
“God, you are fucking incredible,” he mumbled into my neck kissing me as I tried to pull away from him, to put some space between us so I didn’t have to feel him so close to me, “Don’t be like that beautiful,” he cooed grabbing me hard around my shoulders and pulling me forward into him as he rolled us onto our sides.

  
“P-p-p-please,” I struggled to get the word out trying to keep my voice from shaking and failing my skin crawling my whole body screaming at me to stop, my brain telling me I needed to get away.

  
“You want more? Really?” He said his hand skittering down my hip to my crotch.

  
“NO!” I said trying to push his hands away, “NO!”

  
“Come on baby it’s just a little fun,” he said grabbing hold of me as I grabbed a hold of his wrists having reached my limit not being able to take anymore, “No, stop fighting it you asked me for it you said please I’m just giving you what you wanted.”  
I bit my lip trying to hold back my protest, my tears and sobs barely containable, knowing that having already said no twice I was pushing my limit before he got rough and instead opted for a strangled whimper of protest as his started rubbing bringing me back up again.

  
“You should enjoy this while you can,” he said laughing into my chest as he started to jack me off, “Once you get to be my age it’s not that easy to get it up so fast anymore.”

  
“God,” I mumbled as I started to cum in his hand and he laughed into the crown of my head.

  
“That’s my good boy, let Da make you feel good yeah?” He said as I finished all over us feeling sick to my stomach.

  
This time he allowed me to roll over and curl into a ball. Almost like he was finished, like he was giving me room to breathe because he was satisfied. I hugged my knees to my chest my whole body sweaty and sticky shivering as he pulled the covers up around us. He kissed in-between my shoulder blades wrapping his arms around me while he mumbled something into my ear about the morning making me tense again.

  
I tried to fall asleep. I tried to clear my head not wanting to think about him not wanting to feel his hands on me anymore but I couldn’t. I couldn’t escape this time almost like his command was denying me that small bit of relief as I laid there.

  
After a while he started snoring softly into my ear grumbling in his sleep every time I moved slightly until he rolled over in annoyance breaking our physical contact giving me a bit of relief. It was only then that I managed to get some actual rest, falling into an uneasy sleep for a while to be woken up still tired and restless him sitting beside me on the edge of the bed forcing a glass of orange juice into my hands as I sat up.

  
“You were restless last night,” he said looking at me thoughtfully.

  
I shrugged my shoulders through half lidded eyes trying to wake up before he did something to help me that I knew I wouldn’t like as I took a sip of orange juice. I didn’t know what to say or do acutely aware that I was naked in his bed him sitting there like it wasn’t a big deal like it was the most normal thing in the world to be having sex with your son and then sharing a bed with him. I shook my head lightly from side to side pressing the thumb and fore finger of my left hand to the bridge of my nose trying to wake up.

  
“I want you to stay here today,” he said to me, “No clothes just stay here and chill all right? Watch some TV, sleep, take a bath but don’t leave the room. You’re mine got it?”

  
“Ok,” I answered quietly sighing, “Can I ask why?”

  
“All you need to know is if you don’t someone else is going to be spending some alone time with me all right?” He answered looking at me as he stood up going over to the bathroom door, “You know I’ll do it too. You remember what you walked in on last time you said no to me.” He warned me reminding me of the one time I had refused and I found him in the shower with Will. How I had watched Will struggling so hard to be obedient despite the pain and humiliation.

  
“Is this because of Patrick?” I asked, “How he …stuck up for me?”

  
“No this is because you can’t fight your own battles, you knew they were there for you and yet you allowed someone else to stick their neck out for you. Patrick got his punishment these 3 days before I send you to Leo are yours,” He said causing my body to go cold, “Don’t give me that look we talked about that remember?”

  
“Go to… why?” I barely managed to stutter.

  
“He wanted to contract you we settled on some terms. He gets you every weekend from Friday evening until Sunday morning, he’ll bring you to mass at school and you can come home and sleep from there. The next six months starting this Friday. He’s paying good money he got screened he’s clean he said unless it’s a party he won’t be with anyone else so…he can do as he sees fit. You do however get to have a break during the week besides school but there’s a little bit of time before school starts so enjoy it however I don’t want you near Patrick I think it would be best if you two spent some time apart.” he said, “If I think it’s still a problem I will have Leo spent more time with you. You understand what I’m saying?”

  
“That I’m brought and paid for? That you’re going to let him…Da,” I said as I felt the tears rising my eyes.

  
“You should have seriously thought about that before you developed such a close friendship. If I truly thought anything was happening between you two which I am watching you two very closely by the way I would have to go straight to the lord and you know what would happen then? A culling and whoever got the red slip wouldn’t be coming home.

  
You think I want that for you? You think I want to take that chance? If this is the best way to stop this, and I think it is then that’s what I’m going to do. By the end of this six months you’ll probably scream every time someone mentions the word sex and if that’s how it has to be to get you to keep your hands to yourself then so be it,” he sighed cupping my cheek lightly. “I love you I don’t want to lose you especially because some dumb kid couldn’t keep it in his pants unless he’s told otherwise got me?”  
“Why him? Why I can’t…,” I exhaled forcefully my nostrils flaring just thinking of what Leo was like, how much like Da he was how he made me want to kill myself how I once thought he was going to never bring me home.

  
“You can and you will and you’ll either find a way to enjoy every second or you’ll hate it. Don’t worry about that yet though ok baby? Just try to enjoy your time with me. I have to get up and get to work though so I’ll come down and eat lunch with you, all right? Don’t get any ideas I’m not stupid I see it in your face. I’ve taken anything out of the room you could probably use to do something to postpone. It wouldn’t be a wise idea to leave the room either if you do I will know and I will chain you downstairs to that fucking bed for the next two days you understand me?” He asked looking at me.

  
I folded my arms across my chest and nodded. He was really punishing me for something I had no control over. I wasn’t the one who had willingly had sex with Pat the first time I wasn’t the one who had chosen to make out with other boys, I wasn’t the one who chose to have sex with my Da.

  
This wasn’t on me and yet he was punishing me with Leo. Leo, who I couldn’t stand, who just laughed every time I screamed and begged him to stop. Leo, who was the worst mix of Da and Hank not as violent as Hank but not as calm as Da. Leo, who made me nervous. who would strap me down and make me orgasm until my body couldn’t take it anymore.

  
“Ok, that’s my good boy, stay here I love you,” He said going into the bathroom shutting the door quietly behind him.

  
I rolled over so I was facing away from the bathroom door and curled into a ball under the covers that made me feel sick to my stomach because they still smelled like us and what he had done to me last night. I didn’t want to think anymore; the fear of Leo crippling me. I remembered him. His car, the way he had kept going past the point where I could stand it. How I had wanted to beg him to kill me, how I felt like I would never get him out of my skin and could feel him inside me, touching and poking and prodding at me for days after.

  
After he came out of the bathroom he started getting dressed. As he put on his under shirt I felt compelled to plead my case again so I sighed heavily working up my courage, trying to draw it out of me before it was too late. I really didn’t want to deal with Leo.

  
“Da please, why does it have to be Leo?” I asked again the name on my tongue just making the bile rise in my throat.

  
“Because he gave me 100,000 dollars which is a sweet little bit of money for your college fund,” He answered coming over wrapping an arm around my waist hugging me to him.

  
“Money, we don’t need,” I said frowning grabbing his fingers trying to pry them off of me as they dug into my skin, one of his knees pressing up against me between my legs.

  
“We can always use more money anyone who tells you different is lying baby. Besides he treats you well. I know Hank can be a little rough so I thought you prefer Leo that and I kind of don’t want you near Hanks kid like I said before, Leo doesn’t have any young kids anymore he admires you I’ve seen him with you he knows all the right buttons to push,” He said his knee increasing pressure making me gasp, “Oh fuck me I want you so bad,” he said licking his lips, “Don’t give me that look if you weren’t so damn prefect …” he trailed off looking at me his eyes boring a hole into me making me turn away ashamed that I had nothing to cover myself with, that I had no escape.

  
“Why me?” I asked as he let me go and turned to leave.

  
“What?” He asked.

  
“I’m not stupid and neither are they,” I said pointing a finger casually at the ceiling indicating I was talking about my brothers and sisters, “Why me?”

  
“If things had been different, if my life had been different I would have loved to have a boy like you when I was younger. I just got lucky enough that I ended up making one for myself,” he said smiling. “I see all the things I loved about her once when I look at you. That fire when she would get slightly annoyed but the fact that she still loved me. She doesn’t love me anymore at least not right now. She might when she comes back but who knows? And you, no matter what you do, how much you hate me in some way you will always love me.” He answered his honesty taking me by surprise as he slipped out the door and closed it in one motion.

  
I stood there frozen for a minute or two mulling his words over in my head. He had just admitted everything I had only suspected. Everything that people had only told me they suspected at that point that he was attracted to me, in love with me in a way he shouldn’t be. Two words just kept repeating over and over in my head like a flashing neon sign, “Oh shit”. I didn’t know what to do with the information as it kept screaming at me inside my brain.

  
I knew what it all meant but I wanted clarification. A boy like me when he was younger? Did he mean personality? Someone he could have easily controlled or did he just mean a boy that looked like her? Like my mum. If he loved me so much why did he pimp me out?

  
Was it punishment because he knew I didn’t love him back the same way, that I never would be able to bring myself to feel that way about him no matter what he did? I didn’t know but, I knew I was a lot like my mum. I wasn’t stupid and I also hated the fact that he was right about the very last thing he said. That no matter what I did or how badly he treated me there would always be a piece of me that would love him, hope that he could be that good Da that he once was to me and not what he had become. A rapist and a pedophile who forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. Who made me hate everything I was.

  
I know I didn’t stand there for too long before crawling back into the bed and closing my eyes hoping I could fade away into nothing. Even if it was only for a couple of hours. My whole body was still beyond tired my brain feeling confused and scared and fuzzy. The anxiety at a level where if it got any more intense I knew I would crack. I sighed trying to ignore the feelings of disgust my senses were evoking in me, the crawling feeling on my skin and the smell of us and our sins in my nose turning stale around me.

  
I fell into an uneasy sleep for a while and into terrifying dreams. I was somewhere dark, someplace I didn’t know and it felt like the whole world was rocking slowly back and forth. I could hear screaming but I couldn’t see anything. It felt cold, desperate and lonely an abyss of blackness and hopelessness flooding my chest. There was no escape, nothing I could to do make it go away. I sat up so suddenly I made myself feel dizzy and found myself covered in a cold sweat as the door handle turned and the door opened.

  
“Did you sleep the entire time?” My Da asked me looking at my curiously.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I was tired I guess.”

  
“I’m that good huh?” He asked undoing the buttons on his blue button up making me flitch as he sat down on the bed next to me, “Relax, we don’t have time for any real fun we’re just going to fool around a bit. Lord said unless I brought you upstairs and we had another conference I only had half an hour Alice will bring something by for you to eat by that time too so we’ll just chill.” He finally got his shirt unbuttoned and threw it on the floor as he pulled his undershirt off quickly over his head before he launched himself at me pinning me down against the pillows using his body weight to keep me there.

  
I immediately bit into my own tongue to keep from crying. Quick or messing around usually meant him doing things to me. Things to make me hate myself. I closed my eyes trying to slow my breathing while I screamed inside my head his one hand massaging my collar bone lightly.

  
“Nervous?” He asked me his voice husky as he kissed me. Light pecks landing on my mouth trying to gain entrance, trying to get his tongue past my lips. I didn’t want this. I hated this I moaned lightly in response. “Now now baby, come on be nice to me. I just want to make you feel good.”

  
“I real…” I managed to get out before his forced his tongue into my mouth pressing me hard into the bed as he climbed on top of me.

  
I wanted to scream. I didn’t want him touching me I especially didn’t want him on top of me with just a sheet between his clothes and my skin. His tongue slid across my teeth tickling the roof of my mouth making me squirm as his hands reached down and started playing with my nipples. I didn’t want this, god no please no. After a couple minutes, he broke the kiss.

  
“Why aren’t you kissing back?” He asked me his eyes turning cold like steel.

  
“I, you surprised me,” I lied.

  
“You used to love kissing me,” he said biting my bottom lip playfully and licking it lightly, “What happened?”

  
“Da you just surprised me. I wasn’t ready,” I said again.

  
“Why are you so moody lately?” He asked me pinching my right nipple making me hiss out in pain.

  
“Why can’t you leave me alone? It’s my body Da,” I said before I could stop myself.

  
“Your body?” He asked his brow furrowing in half amusement and half anger, “We’ve been over this I made this,” He said pinching my nipple again harder making me bite my mouth closed, “This body is mine and I’ll do with it whatever I want to. I will make it jizz all over the place, I will make it twist in pain and pleasure and I will give it to whomever I want to you understand? You just get to be in it got me?” He said standing up and pulling the blankets from my body leaving me only my hands to cover myself.

  
He threw all the covers on the ground his eyes hard and lust filled. I didn’t know what to do but lay there was my insides froze, as goose bumps started to prickle along my skin. He was going to hurt me.

  
“Don’t play shy, just lay back and enjoy it ok,” he said grabbing my wrists as he scooted down so his face was at my waist as he forced my hands away.

  
“Please I’m begging you please,” I said trying to hardest not use the words no don’t or stop because I knew I was very close to being hit as it was.

  
“You’ll like it I promise, I could always invite Ben in if you so desire, otherwise if I were you I would keep my mouth shut,” He threatened me as he laid feather light kisses on my waist line making me squirm.

  
I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing as his kisses started to trail down my shaft. I didn’t want to stop breathing. I didn’t want to let him make my body tingle but it did. It always did. His mouth worked its magic the ice inside me spreading out making me work hard to blink back tears as I grabbed a pillow and bit into it to keep my moans and screams muffled as I climaxed.

  
“Good yeah?” He asked me as I he moved the pillow from my face my eyes wide and staring at him and he laughed, “You think you’ll cum like that for Leo?” He said the name making me shudder and turn my gaze away from him, “Talk to me baby, unless you feel like …well,” He said his hand that he had used to pull himself even beside me inching up my thigh again making me jump.

  
“Please,” I barked pulling away.

  
“Then talk to me,” He commanded again.

  
“About what?” I asked bring my knees to my chest.

  
“Why you’ve been pulling away from me maybe? Why you seem to be so inside yourself where I should be,” He said amusement in his eyes.

  
“You’ve basically banished me to your bedroom I’m not allowed to talk to my best friend because you think we’re doing something we shouldn’t be. I’m tired, I feel trapped,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Even after I made you cum so hard? Should I try again?” He asked cupping my cheek with his hand, “If you just relax maybe you wouldn’t feel so trapped maybe you would enjoy yourself as much as your body wants you to.”

  
“I just want to…,” I shook my head knowing he didn’t want to hear what I had to say, knowing he didn’t care what plea I was going to utter.

  
“What?” He asked me pressing his face into my neck gently his hands grasping at my hips as he straddled me, “You just want to what?”

  
“Have some control,” I finished his eyes boring into my own looking into my soul.

  
“You’re just a kid you don’t get control yet, I know what’s best for you,” He said pressing hard into my lap making me whine as he grinded against me forcing my lips to his forcing his tongue back into my mouth.

  
He kissed me as I tried to pull away. To put some distance between his body and my trapped one. I didn’t want this I didn’t want him on me. Not after he had just violated me like that, forcing me to climax despite my best efforts.

  
“God, you feel so good,” he breathed into my skin as he nipped at my already bruised neck, “If I had more time…god if I had more time I’d make you cum until you couldn’t cum anymore you taste so good, every bit of you.”

  
I tensed against his touch. I wanted him to stop to let me go to just let me breathe. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his hands on me anymore. I whined and he looked at me laughing lightly amusement still lighting up his eyes.

  
“I’ll have time later,” he said finally shifting his weight off of me, “Alice should be here with your food soon. You should eat trust me. Leo likes keeping the mess down so he might not feed you while you’re there. Alice will bring something down to you,” He said kissing my cheek as he got up putting his shirt back on and then throwing his button up on before standing up and leaving shutting the door swiftly behind him.

  
I felt humiliated. My body giving into him giving him what he wanted every single time. I hated this. I heard a sound outside the bedroom and thought it was him coming back for a second tensing and then I realized it was probably Alice leaving food on the table outside the room. I grabbed one of his dirty shirts that was two times too big for me and threw it on opening the door in time to see Alice’s back retreating from the door.

  
“You still think I’m choosing this?” I hissed at her having to swallow as she turned around to look at me.

  
“Listen sugar I got my own family to take care of all right? I’m sorry things are so hard for you but he pays me good money and most of it is to look the other way. You’ll be fine you just have to wait it out,” She said.

  
“That’s easy for you to say!” I hissed, “You’re not the one…” I couldn’t fight back my tears. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. To say she didn’t have to feel his hands on her, that she didn’t have to hear him mutter praises against her skin as her body betrayed her. As he claimed it was his to own, to use.

  
“Look sugar, I might know better than you believe I do. My Daddy wasn’t like yours my daddy was a good man when he was around but when he wasn’t my mama didn’t hang around with the best men. Being a girl is hard sugar you should try it sometime,” She sighed looking at me pity in her eyes stretching across her face.

  
“When it’s not me anymore it’s going to be them,” I said reminding her of my younger siblings, her charges.

  
“That might be true but maybe if you can pull yourself together and your mama comes back from wherever he has her put up they’ll be able to do it. They’ll be ok. I’m going to teach them everything I know about surviving and they’ll have you. Did you know they love you? When they fall down they don’t cry for their mama or Daddy or even Willy, they cry for you, they cry for their Jack that’s your nickname ain’t it?” She said looking at me.

  
“Only when their upset,” I answered quietly, “It started in Montana I just…I hate being me so I decided Jack made more sense.”

  
“Catlin and Jamie ask after you all the time when you’re sleeping because you are always sleeping,” She said, “I don’t doubt things are hard for you. I’m sorry I said what I said but you could fight harder.”

  
“I don’t fight because if I do he goes to one of them,” I said, “And I can’t let that happen.”

  
“Sugar in all honesty you can’t stop it from happening because whether you want to know it or not he’s hurting those kids if it’s not him it’s that damn Uncle of yours. Be nicer to yourself sugar, fight for you, all right? Eat your food. You aint been eating right you and I both know it and it’s not going to make life any easier for you,” She sighed turning away and walking towards the lift.

  
I grabbed my plate of lunch a hamburger and some chips or so it appeared until I bit into it and it didn’t taste like a regular hamburger making my stomach feel weird. It tasted slightly like rubber and carrots so I spit it into the toilet and focused more on the chips. I ate about half of them before my stomach felt like it was going to rebel at any second. I stopped and sat down in the chair, taking the remote from the basket on the side table. I turned on the TV surfing through the channels because I didn’t know what else to do. After mindlessly staring at the TV and flipping around for a while I heard a noise outside the door that had me worried until it popped open a little head of red pigtails poked inside.

  
“Catty why aren’t you with Alice or Will,” I asked her coming over to her and getting on my knees hugging her so she didn’t see anything she didn’t need to see.

  
“Alice said Da said you couldn’t come upstairs to play with me so I thought maybe I could come downstairs to play with you,” She answered me.

  
“Firefly,” I sighed, “I’m not in the mood to play ok?”

  
“But I know you’re sad and when I’m sad I like to play Barbie so I thought maybe you wanted to play Barbie and I could be Skipper,” Catty said showing me her dolls.

  
“Can we watch a movie instead?” I asked sheepishly.

  
“Yeah,” She said nodding her head, “Do you know when mum is coming back?” She asked me as I grabbed a blanket off the end of the bed to drape over my lap and hide my nakedness from her as I sat down in the chair and she climbed into my lap.

 

“No Firefly,” I said shaking my head, “I have no idea but I know I miss her.”

  
“Uncle Ben said that Da was keeping you here so he could…,” She trailed off her cheeks turning pink.

  
“Don’t listen to Uncle Ben. Da is keeping me here just because he wants to not for any other reason,” I said trying to hide the truth from her. I didn’t want her to think of me as I was. As Da’s fuck toy or his whore. She didn’t need to know that. She knew he had done bad things to me in the past but, I didn’t know to what extent mum had told her about it and I wasn’t going to give her more information than she already had so I made an excuse.

  
“So, he isn’t keeping you in here so he can touch your privates?” She asked me bluntly causing me the blink hard at her.

  
“Huh,” I managed before shaking my head. This was not a conversation for a five-year-old however I had to slowly remind myself she wasn’t a normal five-year-old. That we weren’t a normal family by a long shot.

  
“He’s not doing it to me anymore, not since we got home,” She said when I didn’t answer.

  
I cleared my throat, “That’s good,” I answered.

  
“Is he still doing it to you?” She asked me again.

  
“Catty, we don’t ask people that ok? Other people’s private areas aren’t up for discussion,” I answered.

  
“Matty says that it’s normal, that it’s all normal,” Catty said.

  
“Matty is sick Kitty Cat,” I answered using the pet name mum had given her, “It’s hard to explain but there is something wrong with his head because of Da and Uncle Ben so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

  
“I thought he was sick but is he sick like Da is sick?” Catty asked.

  
“I think so,” I answered just as the door opened making me jump five feet in the air.

  
“There you are! Where were you Catty you can’t go wondering off, you have Alice having a fit!” Will said looking worried, “Hey.” He said looking at me.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly, “You heard him, go upstairs, go to Alice.” I said shooing Cat playfully.

  
“But I thought we were going to watch a movie,” She said pouting.

  
“Later Cat, all right? Love you,” I said.

  
“Ok,” She sighed exaggeratedly grabbing her Barbie’s from the floor where she had left them, “I love you too.” She said before running out the door to the lift.

  
Will watched her go and then shut the door behind him, “How are you?” he asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “It was nice to see someone even if it worried me a little bit.”

  
“Why did it worry you? Seeing her?” Will asked.

  
“She said some stuff about Matty. Asked some questions a five-year-old shouldn’t ask, said something a five-year-old shouldn’t have to worry about,” I answered simply.

  
“They aren’t ever going to be normal, not when we’re stuck here,” Will answered, “I mean in Montana I kind of hoped maybe it would be different for them. I mean I know you and I are fucked for life but, them, they had a chance but now…” he trailed off.

  
“Language little brother,” I said smirking lightly and he did the same.

  
“Shut up like you don’t swear?” He scoffed looking at me still smiling.

  
“At least I have a teen in my age so it’s more acceptable,” I said.

  
“Is it acceptable for you to make out with guys without a shirt in front of your little brother or to have them hold you while you cry naked none the less?” He asked me cocking an eyebrow.

  
I felt a blush creep into my face, “That first one lead to a very interesting conversation,” I commented, “I honestly didn’t know how to explain exactly. He asked if it was the same as…” I faltered, “As what Da did and if it wasn’t why it was different.”

  
“What did you tell him?” Will asked.

  
“I told him because with Da I didn’t want it but Pat would never do anything I didn’t want,” I answered simply, “That there is a difference between the way Pat makes me feel and the way Da does. I compared it to certain people at school how sometimes you like one and are ok with them hugging you but you might not be with someone else.”

  
“That’s actually a really good explanation, probably felt very awkward though I’m betting,” Will said a smile creeping back onto his face.

  
“No shit,” I said shaking my head, “I’m just glad Pat and I aren’t well…you know.”

  
“I think it’s pretty normal for 13-year old’s not to be having sex. I mean I’d be lying if I said I didn’t kind of want to know what it feels like to actually be touched by someone like that, that you wanted touching you. You know I wonder about it we’ve talked about it,” he said, “But from what I understand people our age don’t really think about it that often. Going that far I mean.”

  
“Well, Heather and I used to make out a lot. Nothing under our clothes or anything but she once asked if she could see me like all of me,” I said, “I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that and she said I wasn’t allowed to touch her tits anymore until I did so after that things kind of slowed down.”

  
“Really? Heather? I never would have guessed,” he mused, “Did she know about...”

  
“No,” I shook my head, “Not until right before we left. I didn’t want her to know what a freak I am.”

  
Will sighed, “If that makes someone a freak then we’re all freaks.”

  
I felt the lump in my throat growing bigger, starting to make it hard to breathe I didn’t want to cry in front of my little brother. He had seen me fall apart too many times recently if I did he would really know how fragile I was and I couldn’t deal with that. With his worry that I was breaking.

  
“Pat called and asked after you,” Will said, “I didn’t tell him but he guessed. He’s worried and he thinks it’s unfair that Da won’t let you leave this room.”

  
“So, you didn’t tell him but he knows?” I asked feeling sick, feeling embarrassed and weak.

  
“Yeah, he said he’s going to come over Saturday with or without Da’s permission and he’s going to see you,” Will said, “He must really love you even though if you were my boyfriend I’d personally be worried about what Da would do to you after I left.”  
“I won’t be here Saturday,” I said realization hitting me. I’d be at Leo’s that was the plan, I’d be Leos for the weekend and every weekend after for the next six months.

  
“What? Where are you going to be?” Will said frowning and I felt my throat tighten as I pushed back a sob.

  
I was silent until I felt like I could speak, “Leo’s.” Was all I managed to say before I slammed my hand over my mouth so that I didn’t have to hear my own sobs trying to stuff them back down my throat before they ever escaped from my mouth.

  
“You’re kidding!” Will said his mouth agape as he looked at me in horror.

  
All I could do was shake my head in response. I didn’t know what to say. So, I wasn’t the only one who was afraid of Leo? I just shook my head blinking, trying to keep my tears under control, trying to keep myself from having a meltdown.

  
“Fuck!” Will hissed, “And Da’s still? Maybe I can distract him tonight? Talk to him, get him to back off, forget about sending you to Leo? I don’t know but I know that whatever he is punishing you for, it doesn’t mean you deserve this.”

  
“It won’t work,” I sighed dragging a hand through my hair, “He says I’m his until he gives me to Leo. Leo has contracted me I’m stuck, I’m theirs,” I said shuddering as the words came out of my mouth.

  
“What the fuck happened? Is this because of Pat sticking up for you? Because he suspects you two are…a thing?” Will asked me.

  
“I’m his,” I told Will not able to look at him anymore, “I’m his and he wants to make sure I know it. I’m not allowed to be with anyone he’s not ok with, talk to anyone he says I can’t talk to. He wants me with Leo so I’m going to be with Leo and I’m going to…”

  
“John no! You can’t let him break you. You don’t belong to anyone but yourself. Don’t let him do this to you,” Will pleaded with me.

  
“What the fuck am I supposed to do Will? What the fuck do I do then if I don’t do this? If it’s not me it’s you, or it’s one of the twins or its fucking James am I supposed to let that happen? At least I know what Leo is like, at least…” I trailed off knowing what I would have said next would have been a lie. I couldn’t deal with Leo. I knew I couldn’t deal with Leo and the way he made me feel, at least not in a functional way.

  
“At least what? I was locked in that basement I heard the things they said about you when you were in the other room. Leo is just as bad as Da is John. He kept saying something about doubles, I don’t even know what the fuck that is but it sounds fucking scary,” Will said.

  
“It hurts, it hurts a lot doubles,” I said shaking my head not wanting to think about it anymore. The searing paint that felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out starting at my butt and working its way up my whole spine. Da’s face as he smiled the predator behind his eyes giddy with excitement as the Leader was behind me...

  
“I don’t get it. What is it?” Will asked me again this time more softly almost like he was afraid of the reaction having me answer would provoke but like he was desperate to know.

  
“It’s…,” I did my best to swallow my whole mouth going dry my brain still in the middle of it, “It’s when two of them…” I sighed trailing off before I tried again, “You know how they do different things right?”

  
“Yeah,” Will said nodding his head.

  
“You know how they sometimes, stick their…” I felt my face going red.

  
“You mean anal sex, yes. Yes, I’m very aware that’s a thing they do that they really enjoy,” Will said slight annoyance in his voice at how coy I was being.

  
“It’s when two of them do that, at the same time,” I managed to mumble.

  
“How does that work?” Will asked me confused like he was trying to picture it in his head.

  
“Will could we not talk about it?” I asked him.

  
“It was just something Leo mentioned so I was wondering exactly what it was,” He answered me.

  
“What context did he use it in?” I asked him.

  
“He said he wanted Doubles with Da and you to…are you ok?” He asked me his eyes going wide as I started to feel sick to my stomach.

  
I got up from the bed and ran to the bathroom making it to the sink before I started throwing up all over the place. I heard Will swear somewhere behind me. I couldn’t do that ever again. I couldn’t do that, that had hurt way too much. I felt when Will got up behind me and I turned on the sink to wash my sick down the drain.

  
I flinched before he could touch me because I knew he was going to rub my back and I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched. I looked at him and he took a couple steps back sadness flashing in his eyes. He knew what I was feeling and he respected it even if it hurt him.

  
“I can’t do that again,” I said shaking my head feeling myself starting to panic.

  
“He said he wanted to. He didn’t say they were going to,” Will answered looking at me knowing the panic that was rushing through my head.

  
“I can’t. It really hurts Will, like that really really hurts. I thought I was going to die,” I managed before tears started spilling down my cheeks.

  
“Who was it?” Will asked frowning, “Who did that to you?”

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered shaking my head as I finished rinsing my puke down the drain and went to go sit down back in the chair pulling my knees up under Da’s old shirt that I was wearing pulling them to my chest.  
“Was it Da?” He asked me and when I didn’t move or say anything he sighed heavily, “Da and who? Leo?”

  
“It was at Christmas,” I answered, “I didn’t know him yet.”

  
“Who was at Christmas? Hank and Arthur and the Leader,” He watched me and I must have visibly shuddered at the mention, “It was him, wasn’t it? The same guy who raped James? Lord. That fucking pervert. I swear to fucking god if he’s alive when I’m old enough I will skin him alive.”

  
“Don’t Will,” I shook my head, “Don’t it’s not worth it.”

  
“You and James aren’t worth it? Are you fucking kidding me? They have tortured you John you have any idea how much you’ve changed since…since he brought us here from home? I honestly thought you were broken when I saw you in that Apron after he had you locked up here for like a month when we first got here, this, you right now this is broken. That he doesn’t have to lock you in here to keep you from leaving this room that’s broken,” Will said has he turned away stomping his foot lightly. I knew he was trying not to cry.

  
“I’m not broken just tired,” I answered, “What time is it?”

  
“Almost three,” Will said, “I have to go and help Alice.”

  
“Yeah you should go he’ll be off work soon and …” I shivered.

  
“I seriously will try and see if there is anything I can do. You know that, right?” Will asked me.

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “He’ll just do whatever with you and then come back here and…” I trailed off not wanting to say the words, not wanting to think about how it was going to be, him on top of me, saying those things, doing those things.

  
Will nodded his head. Knowing it was true. That he would rape Will and then probably come back downstairs and climb into bed just to rape me. I hated my life. I hated the fact that it was only Thursday and tomorrow after he did whatever with me that night, Friday morning and then Friday afternoon I was supposed to go to Leo’s and let him rape me until I couldn’t see straight. That I even had to let them do it. It hurt. The whole thing hurt.

  
“You know I love you, right?” Will asked me causing me to look up from my knees which I still had tucked against my chest in the chair.

  
“I know. I love you too,” I answered as Will sighed standing up from the floor where he was sitting.

  
“Just, hang on ok? We need you,” He said glumly.

  
“I’m trying really I am I just... I don’t know I’m really tired Will,” I said and Will nodded his head.

  
“I’ll see you later,” I said as he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway shutting it behind him. Leaving me alone.

  
I sighed thinking I should probably get some sleep or something before he got off at work. Sure, it wouldn’t be a lot of sleep but knowing Leo I would need all the sleep I could get for the upcoming weekend. The upcoming weekend that made me stomach turn sour and black spots dance in my vision just thinking about. I curled up into a ball in the bed that still smelt like stale sex and body odor and managed to fall asleep.

  
I was tired. I had to have been really tired because it wasn’t the door opening that woke me up but him climbing into the bed and placing his hand on my hip as he started pulling the hem of the shirt I was wearing up trying to get it off my body. I blinked looking at the clock it read late around 11.

  
I moaned in protest as he hushed me, “It’s ok baby, just relax,” he breathed into.my ear kissing it and then kissing down my neck as his hand reached around the front of me to grab me.

  
“No,” I whimpered trying to pull away.

  
He punched me in the side. Hard. Really hard causing me to gasps in surprise and pain. That was new. He had never really hurt me like that before. There had always been threats and restraining, he had even punched me in the face once or twice but never had he really hit me anywhere to cause serious pain.

  
“You’re getting loose with your use of that word, you don’t tell me no you understand?” He hissed at me as I tried to curl myself into a tighter ball so I could protect myself from his wandering hands, “Come on baby, don’t be like that I just want to make you feel good ok?” He whispered into my skin somewhere between my shoulders.

  
I bit back a cry as my whole body tensed. It had really hurt being punched in the side really fucking hurt and I was beyond surprised. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this I was tired and I just wanted to sleep. As I curled tighter around myself I heard him sigh heavily as he laid another kiss on the nape of my neck.

  
“I have an idea,” He sighed getting up off the bed.

  
I didn’t look when he got up. Maybe I should have. Maybe I shouldn’t have said no maybe it would have happened anyway but when he came back to the bed he had three ties with him. I couldn’t understand why he would bring his ties to bed and it confused me.

  
“We’re going to play a game,” He said sitting so that he was in front of me instead of behind me so he could see my face, “I think it might be easier for you if you can’t see.” He said holding one out as he got ready to tie it around my eyes.

  
“Da do you really…” I started to question trying to back up as he leaned his body weight forward onto one of my arms keeping me from scooting away.

  
“Now you can leave the tie there and be a good boy or if you don’t want to I’ll tie your arms to the bedpost got it? I don’t want any fighting you fight I will drag you downstairs and any rewards for good behavior before you go to Leo’s tomorrow evening will be canceled you understand?” He said looking at me closely.

  
“What rewards?” I asked timidly afraid of his answer. Afraid it wasn’t going to be a reward at all but something I would hate.

  
“Dinner with your brothers and sisters before you leave, information about your mum because I know they keep asking you about her because I’m not stupid. A promise that Ben will keep his hands to himself,” He answered me.

  
I sighed. Did I actually believe him? I wanted to spent time with them I did I just didn’t know what to say to them. However, knowing about mum, where she was, how she was doing if she was going to come home soon. That was appealing because as conflicted as my relationship with my mum was she had tried to protect me. She had tried so hard to protect me to the point where she had uprooted us to get away from him.

  
She had Put us all in therapy and gotten herself 2 full time jobs in order to support us in Montana. I wanted my mum if I couldn’t have Pat and I knew I couldn’t have him. That my Da was pushing to control every bit of me he could and that going against that in any way was a very bad idea and what had probably earned me my contract with Leo to begin with. I nodded my head in response.

  
“Ok baby, sit up,” he said smiling at me happily.

  
I sat up leaning up against the head board and I allowed him to do it. Fumbling with the tie tying it around my eyes so that the whole room went dark. Just my sight being thrown into pitch black made me shutter. Reminded me of the basement. I formed fists at my sides to keep my hands from shaking, keep myself from yanking the thing off my face. I laid there still as I felt his hands on the outside of my legs pulling the blankets away and pushing them to the foot of the bed. He grabbed my knee caps and I relented my breath catching, heaving as I tried to relax, tried to allow him to do what he wanted with me and I spread my legs so he could settle between them his hands gently rubbing up and down the length of the inside of my thighs.

  
“You have a beautiful body you know that?” He mumbled as he grabbed my penis and started rubbing making me jump, “Your size is really fucking impressive for your age and your cum taste so good. You’re my little cum slut,” He said before I felt his mouth go around me making me whimper as I tried to stay still and not tell him to stop, not scream out a protest.

  
My chest was heaving as I tried to stay silent, tried to breathe. I hated the way he could make my body feel. I hated the way he made it so easy to hate myself. How it didn’t seem like anything I did mattered how all of them always managed to make me orgasm no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

  
Cool air hit my sensitive wet skin as he let me drop from his mouth, “You can make sounds you know? There’s no one on this floor I like it when you make those sounds baby I really do,” he said before he went back to blowing me. I felt something seize around me his throat opening up to take me in as far as he could and before I could stop myself I moaned loudly my face heating up.

  
This was wrong this was so wrong and I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this at all. I slammed a hand over my mouth to try and keep myself silent as I struggled to do anything to distract my body from what was happening, wiggling my foot, digging my nails into the palms of my hands just anything to give me something else to focus on.

  
He slid his tongue down my balls sucking and biting at them which made me bite into my tongue and after a minute he grabbed my hand and I allowed him to pull it away from my face, “I want to hear you.” He breathed the words traveling on my skin making me shiver making me wish I was dead.

  
I couldn’t keep myself from shaking like I was cold partly because I was but also because I was scared. Because like I have stated and keep saying he had never hit me that hard before and I didn’t know exactly what to do about it but I did know I didn’t want him to hit me again. I felt him put me back in his mouth and this time I gasped loudly as it caught me by surprise again the feeling of the blood starting to pool in my groin as he did things to me. He easily made me climax and then when I thought he would be finished he moved slightly and rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach.

  
“We haven’t done it this way in a little while huh baby?” He whispered into my ear sucking on my ear lobe as he licked down my spine his tongue finding its way to my asshole making me gasp as he massaged my ass cheeks.

  
It made me think of Vic. Of how he had done that to show my Da he was one of the group. Remembering it caused me to tense up which only made him more eager, his tongue moving in a circle around my entertance before I felt his fingers breech me making me squirm.

  
I gasped. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want him on top of me. I didn’t want to be blind folded. I didn’t want any of it.

  
I allowed myself to start silently crying as my body betrayed me as he started hitting that spot that made my breath catch and made my chest tighten. As the pressure in my body started to build. Before I knew it, he was inside of me pressing against me hard his finger nails lightly digging into my hips as I bit my lips to keep myself from giving him the noises he was trying to extract from me.

  
“God your so fucking tight,” he moaned into the center of my upper back kissing me between my shoulder blades as he pushed in and out. The pain not nearly enough to keep my body from responding to the pleasure as he hit against my prostate. Each little brush causing the pressure to build back up as I tried my hardest to bite back my screams and moans out of fear that I would yell at him to stop and I would be hit again.

  
“Oh, fuck I love you, you feel so fucking amazing,” he moaned his pace quickening as he approached climax, “You love it don’t you baby?” He asked his hands starting to massage my back and sides as he got closer, “Oh fuck yeah, doesn’t it feel good because this feels really fucking good to me. God, I fucking love your hole, oh fuck yes.” He practically screamed as he released inside me all of his weight landing on top of me for me a minute making me feel crushed, exhausted.

  
I felt his hands trying to flip me over and I tensed. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t let it happen again but it did. Because he was stronger and bigger than I was. Because I was a kid. I was a scrawny 13-year-old while he was a grown man so it was easy for him to flip me over, to shove his fingers back inside my already tender and violated ass filled with his discharge as his mouth went around me again making me make a sound somewhere between a hum and a hiss.

  
I felt his finger speed up their movement as he started to suck and lick more vigorously my sound having encouraged him because it was a sound somewhere between pleasure and protest. I fisted the sheets beside me trying to dig my hands into the firmness of the mattress to give myself something to focus on, something that felt secure but. it didn’t work. My body forsaking me again as he swallowed me into his throat my climax hitting me like an earthquake splitting the earth open. A throaty moan escaping from my lips before I could stop it from wrenching free.

  
When he was done, we were both panting breathless. My eyes were still covered by the blind fold as he kissed and licked my pubic bone every bit of pressure eliciting a moan or hiss as I shivered my body over stimulated, extra sensitive to his touch. I felt dirty. Betrayed like my body was the knife being shoved into my back as I turned away and he was the welder taking my life from me. I felt his weight shift, his body finally breaking contact with mine and then his hands on my face sliding the tie off freeing my eyes the dim light hitting me like the light of a thousand suns.

  
“That was beyond amazing,” he said smiling at me happily making the hair on the back of my neck prickle even more in fear as he kissed my cheek, “Are you tired? Because I’m really tired you were great. We should go to sleep.”  
I nodded my head numbly not sure if I could even form a coherent word as he turned over and turned off the light plunging us into darkness. I laid there stiff as a board as he started to curl himself around me putting his head against my chest as I laid there. After a few minutes of silence, he sighed and shifted his weight away from me.

  
“You’re so tense I thought you would be relaxed, you never relax baby,” He muttered against my nipple causing me to start shaking again which made him sigh even louder, “Go splash some water on your face or something because you are way too tense.” He said rolling over.

  
I set my foot down starting to put weight on my legs I could barely feel my knees feeling like jelly a slight searing pain spreading down from my tail bone as my hips and butt shifted with my first step. I managed to make my way to the bathroom in the dark without tripping over myself or my knees giving out under me and when I got there I shut the door and turned on the light sitting on the floor against the door my whole body still trembling as I felt the sticky fluid leaking down the back of my thighs. I wanted a shower but was pretty sure I didn’t have permission to do so.

  
I sat there thinking about whether I should do it anyway just to get the feeling of him off of my skin, get the feeling of him inside my body away when I thought I heard a noise which caused me to jump in reflex almost hitting my head on the corner of the sink next to me. I listened holding my breath hoping he wasn’t awake, hoping he would leave me alone and just give me ten minutes of peace to still my panicked and disquieted mind and body. I didn’t hear any movement allowing myself to try and relax.

  
When I felt stable I stood up and quietly walked over to the shower opening the stall. I didn’t dare turn on the water there but grabbed the wash cloth and went back to the sink where I washed myself using the sink wiping him off my skin a little bit at a time so that I would be dry when I left the bathroom. I splashed water on my face trying to ignore the mouthwash that was sitting on the sink.

  
I wanted a drink. I needed a drink but, I had tried my damnedest to stay sober. Not only because being sober was good for my health but because once we had gotten home and they had taken mum away I had been the only one everyone could depend on to fight for them at least when it came to my Da but it was getting harder. Sleeping with him was making it harder and Leo, the thought of Leo and spending the weekend with him was nearly too much.

  
I sighed feeling my throat tighten as I looked at the bottle. Sure, it wasn’t the best or most pleasant way to get pissed but it would work and I knew it would work. I wanted it. I wanted to check out to be able to not feel anymore. To be able to close my eyes and not see them on top of me, not feel their hands touching me, not feel their bodies pressed tightly against mine. I wanted peace even if was only temporary.

  
All of the sudden the door opened and he was standing there. The water in the sink still running with the wash cloth in it. I saw his eyes dart to the sink and then come back to me the expression there going cold.

  
“You’re so lucky Leo wants you otherwise I would beat the shit out of you right now. I didn’t give you permission to wash me off you, did I? Leo will have to come up with something special he’ll enjoy it I’m sure,” he said sounding and looking smug as I used my hands to cover myself not wanting to be that exposed in front of him.

  
“I’m sorry I-I-I just needed to. Please don’t be mad,” I sighed giving up trying to explain my way out of any punishment he might think up.

  
“I don’t see why you are so edger every time to get rid of us. There is nothing wrong with it baby. You’ve just been brain washed by your mum to think there is. What we have is special one day you’ll realize that.” He said to me. “There’s no reason for you to be ashamed. If you need a break though you should try looking less attractive, then maybe people would stop asking for you and I wouldn’t be so hungry for you.” He added randomly coming up to me and hugging me pulling me close to his body.

  
It only took a second before his hands started wandering down my back side. I tried to pull away softly put some distance between us, “Please, I’m still sore.” I said desperately trying to give him any reason not to do it again, not to force himself on me.  
“It’s ok baby, I won’t do that, this can be about you ok?” He said as he started shuffling backwards out the bathroom door his arms still around me.

  
“Can I use the D word?” I asked cautiously remembering how I used to handle addressing him when it came to the words don’t no or stop as he continued pulling me gently back towards the bed.

  
“Context?” He asked pausing to eye me carefully.

  
“Feelings,” I answered biting my lip nervously, something flashing in his eyes as I made the gesture something I didn’t like.

  
“That was cute, you’re sexy when you’re nervous,” he said smiling at me making me gulp lightly as I quit chewing on my lip, “Yes, you can use it to describe your feelings.”

  
“I don’t like it when you do that. . I feel like I’m dying inside when you do that,” I answered knowing hearing it described that way might make him mad preparing myself to be hit.

  
He started massaging my collar bone as he looked at me intently. I knew this was bad the look in his eyes betrayed what he was thinking as he grabbed my throat and squeezed lightly. Not hard to enough to cut off my air but just enough to let me know it was a warning, “That might be what you think you feel but you don’t know what you’re feeling. This is my body remember? And I know what it wants, what it likes and I know it loves cumming for me. Don’t lie again you’re getting a little too old for me to put up with your attitude understand?”

  
I nodded my head averting my gaze. Was this what mum meant when she said she knew what I was going through? I knew he used to hit her when he got angry that he wasn’t always nice to her but I didn’t imagine he was that violent with her all the time.

  
“Good, come on baby, it helps me relax, your juice just taste so good it’ll help us both fall asleep,” He said as he turned so I was facing the bed instead of him.

  
He pushed me back into it lightly and I felt my body starting to freeze up. I didn’t want him doing that. I started trying to crawl towards the head of the bed as he leaned forward into me licking my belly button wrapping his arms around my thighs to keep my legs spread as I let out a whine of protest.

  
Of course, he didn’t care. He never cared, he never listened. He went down on me in the dark his tongue all over my lower body, my shaft, my balls, my asshole. Everywhere making me squirm and squeal despite my best efforts to keep quiet, keep in control. By the time he was done I was shivering and I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone ever touching me again.

  
“You are so fucking amazing,” He rasped scooting up the bed and into the pillows, “Come on baby don’t make me move you get up here and cuddle with me and we’ll go to sleep.”

  
I sighed using my upper body to scoot my way up into the pillows my legs and lower body feeling half-dead. And laid down beside him where he curled around me pulling me into his chest. I felt dead inside. Truly dead.

  
I knew I was breathing, I knew I was alive but I felt like it didn’t matter anymore. I probably laid there for hours upon hours until he was snoring and rolled away from me in his sleep.

When I knew he was sound asleep I got up and slowly opened the door my heart pounding in my ears the whole entire time and managed to make it downstairs still naked, still exposed without anyone seeing me. I used the stairs inside the pantry afraid that the elevator moving would wake him up, wake anyone up. I wasn’t thinking about my promise to hold on, I wasn’t thinking about them. I was thinking about how I was so tired, how it didn’t matter what I did I was trapped how Da had raped me over and over until I couldn’t see straight my entire life and how Leo was going to do the same thing. I took the stairs slowly, methodically.

            When I made it out of the pantry I nearly stumbled over my own feet not being able to see clearly through the darkness and my tears as I moved slowly down the hall, looking at every picture, every piece of furniture, every wall trying to take it in and commit it to memory give me something good to hold onto. When I made it to my bedroom I thought about sitting down, writing something a sorry, anything but I couldn’t if I did I knew I would lose my courage. I went to the bathroom and started the water as hot as I could stand and filled the tub with it and then when the tub was full I took the tool kit out from under my sink and opened it pulling out the box cutter and sat down allowed my body to adjust to the temperature and then I took it in my left hand and pressed it against my right wrist as hard as I could the pain causing my hand to tremor as I pulled it up the middle the of my wrist towards me the blood blossoming from the opening with the burning pain as I lowered my arm into the water. I laid there with my eyes closed and started to feel sleepy and I thought of happy things as I started to drift away thinking it would all be over soon. That I would finally be free.


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wakes up. Something he really was hoping wouldn't happen and he knows he's in trouble he just doesn't know what type of trouble. His Da tells him his fate at least part of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 170 to 183. Yes, he's still alive. If you've never been to the hospital most of them aren't like this I mean with the rape and stuff like that rarely happens. I mean I'm sure it does but, most of the hospitals I've been in it's not something that does happen and in fact they keep male and female patients pretty separated just to avoid that and keep it from happening. Some of them are actually good places that help people. Warnings: Talk of suicide attempts, drug use, rape/non-con, homicidal behaviors, anger problems, mental health issues, it's a mental hospital I mean come on, RAPE/Non-con (of course), Asshole adults, most of these warnings apply to the next chapter only a little bit to this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I don’t know what happened, how long I was there even though it was apparently long enough for me to lose a lot of blood, almost enough blood to Exsanguinate to death. I know from what I’ve been told over the years Will found me the water red around me, my breathing shallow my body pale. I was unresponsive for three days.

  
When I woke up all I remember is a pounding headache and then the lights as I opened my eyes before I moaned, “FUCK!” I tried to yell but found my voice a horse whisper and then heard movement in the room as I uttered the word again.  
“Hi Johnathan welcome back to the world,” I heard a female voice say, “How are you feeling?”

  
“I’m fucking alive how exactly do you think I’m feeling?” I managed to say clearly after clearing my throat.

  
“I’m Dr. Reeve can you tell why you wanted to kill yourself?” She asked making it sound like she was asking what I thought of the weather.

  
“Because I’m tired,” I answered simply.

  
“Can you open your eyes for me?” She asked me.

  
“My head is pounding,” I answered simply.

  
“You have to open my eyes for me Johnathan you’ve been in a coma for three days,” Dr. Reeve said.

  
I blinked opening my eyes to see someone who looked too young to be a doctor, she had mossy brown curly hair and eyes that betrayed an optimistic outlook on life. I sighed as I sat up slowly and looked around me an IV my left hand while my right was bandaged to the point where I couldn’t really move it.

  
She took my vitals and made me flex my hand slowly. Telling me that permanent nerve damage was possible. She left the room and said she would be back shortly but that I seemed like I was luckily fine despite my almost successful attempt to take my life.  
“He’s going to fucking kill me,” I muttered to myself and would have shook my head if it hadn’t been pounding my throat hadn’t been so dry.

  
“He’s not going to kill you anytime soon kiddo,” I heard making me jump as I turned toward the door.

  
Vic was standing there smiling at my sadly shaking his head, “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to check on you. I’m still your doctor,” he said shutting the door behind me.

  
“The doctor that tossed my salad get out,” I hissed looking at him.

  
“John, I’m sorry I had to if I didn’t I would have blown my cover they would kill me if they knew. It was the least invasive thing I could think of,” he said apologetically.

  
“What happens now?” I asked choking back tears.

  
“Well, if you’re medically stable you’ll go to Wood Haven for a while. They’ll treat you put you on some medication. You’ll work on somethings,” he said still staying by the door.

  
“Is that where my mum is?” I asked.

  
“I’m not supposed to tell you, you know?” He answered looking at me sadly.

  
“You owe me because it’s going to take a lot for me to forgive you,” I muttered.

  
“Yes, that’s where she is,” he answered, “You do know I really am sorry don’t you?”

  
“You know what he did after you left right?” I asked looking at him as he shifted under my gaze.

  
“That’s the hard part about what I do for them. I can’t stop them and sometimes I really want to,” he said quietly, “I know it won’t be easy for you to forgive me and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself but maybe one day we can be friends again.”  
“He was going to give me to him,” I said suddenly as Vic turned to open the door, “He was going to give me to Leo for the weekend to do…”

  
“Is that why?” He asked me, “Why you tried to kill yourself?”

  
“I’m,” I started crying rolling my eyes trying to clear the tears, “I’m his property. I can’t have my mum, I can’t have Pat. I’m alone. I can’t even have my own body. He got mad at me for wiping myself off for wiping him off me, his cum off of me.”  
“You’re not alone John, you have brothers and sisters that are here for you that you can talk to, that love you and will support you no matter what,” Vic said.

  
“I can’t talk to them about this, I can’t tell them what to expect I can’t do that to them, I can’t. I can’t let them know what he…”

  
“John, look at me,” he said suddenly before I turned away, “No look at me I need you to look at me and listen. This is going to be hard for you to hear but you need to hear it. Most of them what he’s done to you, what he does to you he’s already done to them. There isn’t any reason for you to try and protect them from something that has already happened. Ok? You need to quit protecting them and you need to cope with them you can’t do this alone. You need to depend on them as much as they depend on you.”

  
“I need Pat,” I said.

  
Vic sighed crossing his arms in front of him, “You can’t have Pat right now ok? He knows he fucking knows and one of you or both of you will die. You and Pat need some time apart if you are both going to live past this year. I can’t watch another one of you kids die because two of you became too dependent on each other ok? I’m not going to sit in that fucking room and call one more of you guys I’m not. What happened to Justin? Besides those videos only the people in that room truly know what it was like for him and me and three other people were there one of them being Cole. I don’t know what Cole has told you but if his mouth hadn’t been held open by some stupid device he would have begged them to kill him before they were done don’t make me watch that again.”

  
“Ok,” I said as the reality of what he was telling me sank in, “Ok.”

  
“You understand what I’m saying?” He asked and nodded my head.

  
“It hurts!” I screamed as I started to sob, “I need him so badly and it hurts so much!”

  
“Oh kiddo, I know I’m sorry,” he said coming slowly towards me allowing me time to adjust to the idea of him offering me comfort. When he got to my bedside he held his hand out to me and I accepted the touch, squeezing his hand gently. “It’s ok. You’re not alone.”

  
Just then the door burst open making us both jump, “What hurts are you ok?!” Dr. Reeves asked her eyes wide looking around.

  
“Young heartbreak,” Vic said looking at her sheepishly, “I’m a family friend I know it looks a little…”

  
“No, no it’s all right I was just, he screamed,” she said standing in the door way, “Is it all right if I talk with him alone for a while?”

  
“Sure Dr. Reeve,” Vic said letting go and patting my hand awkwardly, “I’ll see you later?”

  
“Yeah,” I said feeling slightly embarrassed that my outburst had caused such a commotion.

  
“So, is that why you tried to kill yourself?” She asked pulling up a chair and looking at me solemnly.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head slightly.

  
“Does your bruising have anything to do with why you killed yourself?” She asked me gently.

  
“Bruising?” I asked and then realized what my neck probably still looked like, “Oh I…” I trailed off and shrugged.

  
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked me, “You also have a lot of scarring on your chest, it’s in your file.”

  
“It doesn’t matter, I failed ok?” I said avoiding looking at her.

  
“If someone is hurting you Johnathan it does matter,” she answered.

  
“No, it really doesn’t,” I said back, “When are you transferring me?”

  
“Who is it?” She asked.

  
“It doesn’t matter, listen to me carefully last person I said anything to died, they killed them all right. Unless of course they’ve told you, I’ve been hurting myself.”

  
“I don’t think you could bite yourself,” she said, “Why do you think they killed someone?”

  
“I doesn’t matter,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t want to talk to you ok? Not about this or anything else just transfer me. I’m medically stable so get me out of here and get me home or where ever it is I’m going because I’m not talking to you.”  
“Are you sure? I’ve already put some stuff in a report that I have to send to someone it would be helpful if you would say something about it,” she said quietly.

  
“You’re report won’t make a difference get me out of here,” I said.

  
I honestly felt sorry for her. She was young and pretty and seemed like she really wanted to help but, I knew there wasn’t any help for me. I was heartbroken, and alone and depressed. The only thing I was looking forward two was some time away from them so that they couldn’t touch me. Maybe enough time to learn how to deal with things better. Just enough time so I could catch my breath before I was thrown back into the fire.

  
My Da was called. They had to let him know I was awake, that I was alive and pretty much ok despite my best efforts not to be and I knew he was on his way. I sighed settling back deciding to feign sleep waiting for him to come in. It didn’t take long maybe 20 minutes.

  
I heard the footsteps in the hall and heard the door shut as he walked in keeping my eyes shut trying to keep myself calm. I knew I was in serious trouble. I listened as he pulled the chair up to my bedside and sat down.

  
“I know you’re awake baby, you’re too still to be asleep,” he said quietly, “We need to talk.”

  
I opened my eyes looking at him, “How mad are you?” I asked him.

  
“I’m mad enough to extend your contract with Leo but I haven’t yet. It depends on how your hospital stay goes. I don’t understand can you enlighten me as to what you were thinking? Cutting your wrists letting your brother find you like that?” He asked me.  
“I…,” I swallowed, “I needed a break. Leo’s bad Da, he’s really bad.”

  
“Why because he makes you cum? Because he wants you to feel good? I don’t see what is so bad about that. I would think you would be more worried about Hank considering its Hank or Barren. I could always bring Barren back if you want me to.” He said looking closely at me making me fidget.

  
“I just want some control, some space,” I said not looking him in the eyes.

  
“Oh baby, I can do that for you. Leo gets you on the weekends and you don’t have to be touched during the week day that was our deal. However, I can’t promise Leo won’t want to share you. Not anymore after he’s missing some of his time with you,” he said starting to lean forward grabbing my arm so I couldn’t pull away.

  
“Not here,” I begged knowing why he was holding me down, why he was grabbing me like that.

  
“You’re ok, just some messing around not anything heavy,” he said starting to climb into the bed with me.

  
“What if someone walks in?” I asked my whole body shaking as he started kissing my neck wrapping his arms around me holding me close.

  
“Just relax no one is going to walk in,” he said planting a kiss on my lips trying to coax my mouth open.

  
“There’s this woman this doctor that keeps dropping by,” I told him.

  
He sighed and stopped looking at me carefully before he got up and sat back down in his chair, “What have you said to her?” he asked suddenly.

  
“Nothing,” I answered, “Her death isn’t going to be because of me.”

  
“So, you learned that lesson?” My Da asked me smiling at me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders remembering my punishment for it. How they had whipped and tortured me for that mistake. For Dr. Jeffries guesses. How they had left me beaten and bruised down in the basement for days and how I had barely recovered before Christmas before…before the leader and my Da had caused me the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

  
“I’ll take that as a yes,” my Da answered, “They are waiting for a bed at wood Haven to open up and then you’ll be going there. It won’t be so bad a week or two. You’ll have fun.”

  
The way he said fun made fun sound about as exciting and fun as having my nails pulled out but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to deal with his anger which seemed to be showing more and more often. The sooner I went the sooner I could come home and protect my kids, my siblings because I knew as part of my punishment he was going to do things to them while I was gone because I wouldn’t be there to stop him, to sigh and lay with him so he wouldn’t feel the urge to have sex with them, to make them scream and cry and beg him to stop.

  
“Are you going to drive me over?” I asked him.

  
“Nope you get to ride over in an ambulance,” he sighed, “You’ll be fine. It’s a short ride.”

  
“Why didn’t you tell me mum was there?” I asked looking at him closely.

  
“I would have in the morning,” he answered simply, “Since when do I never keep my promises? I promised if you were good I would tell you where she was and how she was doing and when it was looking like she would be home but you had to go and try to kill yourself because I’m that horrible. The fact that your brain hates what I do so much while your body loves it so you had to try and kill yourself so now you get to go be there too. However, adults and kids are separate.”

  
Just then there was a knock on the door and in walked two EMT’s, “We’re here to take you to Haven Wood,” one of them said eyeing my Da oddly.

  
“Ok,” Da said standing up smiling, “I’ll see you later. I’ll bring you some stuff ok John?” he said as I nodded my head.

  
I don’t really remember the ride over. I think one of them tried to talk to me but I don’t know about what. My whole brain feeling just numb. When I pulled up to the big brick building it reminded me of a fortress standing tall and uninviting a yard surrounded by a barbed wire fence. I remember hearing a lot of commotion outside the ambulance as the gates opened and it pulled around the back of the massive building before it pulled into what seemed like a garage and the back opened allowing me out.

  
“New meat?” Some guy said smiling happily. His Tan skin for some reason caught me off guard his statue nearly identical to my Da’s but his eyes a darker brown almost black. The stubble on his chin starting to gray with age.

  
He made small talk with the two EMT’s never taking his eyes off me as I made sure I did the same to him. I knew what he was and I was very sure he knew what I was. I sighed. So, the warnings Pat had given me were true. This place was infested with brotherhood and he was the first one of them I’d seen. If they all looked like him god was I in trouble. He put his hand on my shoulder leading me away inside as the garage door started to open.

  
“What level are you?” He asked me. His hand moving from my shoulder down my back, “I’ve seen your movies kid don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

  
“Five,” I answered simply his hand finally reaching my ass giving it a small squeeze.

  
“Nice, I get to break you,” he said, “You’re a pampered brat compared to the others here. Bet you’ve never seen a whip in your life. I’ll have some fun with you.”

  
“My last name is McGregor, my Uncle is Ben,” I said his smile faltering a little bit.

  
“So, I’ll assume you’re not as lucky as I thought you were then. We have 5 ones and three 2’s but no 3’s or 4’s and you’re the only five we’ve had a in while.” He said, “I’m not going to be here that often I usually only work weekends. I don’t know how long you are going to be here so don’t ask.”

  
He walked me down the hall into a bathroom and then told me to strip. I did as I was told knowing these people had no emotional connection to me, this guy had no reason to treat me well. I knew what he wanted to do to me. I was expecting it the moment my pants came off as he reached in front of me and turned on the water shoving me roughly into the stall.

  
“You are marked up boy,” He said curling his lip as he looked at me from where he was standing against the wall, “So you have seen a whip or two and I’m assuming you know Kingly as well yeah?”

  
“I…,” I stopped nodding my head.

  
“You’re lucky none of us like to bite however we’re not stupid enough to really injure anyone in here we’ll just drug and restrain you. However, I’m betting you’re not a fighter are you beautiful?” He said moving and adjusting his front as his eyes wandered my naked body making me shift closer to the water hoping the thought of getting wet would deter him.

  
“You said 5 ones and 3 twos? What are their names?” I asked.

  
“You wouldn’t know any of them. At least I doubt it. One’s tend to be quiet at the Villa and 2’s well 2’s don’t make it out of their own houses much however their names are Tyler, Dillion, Burgess, Josh and Eric the ones and the 2’s are Troy, Ron and Dominic.”

  
“Dominic Morrow?” I asked.

  
“Actually yes,” He said, “Tried to hang himself did a poor job of it obviously. You know him?”

  
“I go to school with him,” I answered.

  
He looked closely at me, “I could see you two being a pair, both of you have that hair. Hank got his claws in both of you at once yet?” He asked amusement in his voice.

  
I shook my head soaping up quickly so I could rinse off and get dressed before he had a real chance to think of what he wanted to do to me most. I really didn’t feel like being touched the day seeming long and stupid and like it would never end already. I just wanted to lay down somewhere where someone wouldn’t touch me or question me. When I was done, I turned off the water and he threw a towel at me.

  
“I remember you now,” he said as I was drying off, “I saw you in a video with another boy, black hair blue eyes you topped. The look on your face I would say it was probably your first time too. Was it?”

  
I flashed back to that moment, being inside him. How good he had felt. How despite the camera it had seemed intimate, important. I thought of how I would probably never have that with him again and the lump in my throat that had been threatening to choke me since I woke up tightened.

  
I didn’t answer him. I didn’t want him to know even though apparently, anyone who had seen the video knew about it. He handed me a bundle of clothes, a uniform to wear.

  
“Put that on,” he said looking at me as I set it down on the chair outside the shower stall and looked through the bundle of clothes pulling out a pair of white underwear that he snatched from my hands before I could put them on, “You don’t need these don’t know why they are in here.” He said a smirk on his face.

  
I sighed and picked up the pants putting them on along with the yellow shirt he had handed me. I didn’t know why I wasn’t allowed to have underwear or why I needed a uniform of some kind anyway with pants that had metal snaps instead of buttons or a zipper or a draw string and it felt weird to be naked under them. Pants that weren’t mine with no underwear. I felt slightly sick thinking about the reason why he didn’t want me to have any. When I was dressed, he sighed.

  
“Let me take you to the nurse for your admittance interview and to get your arm rebandaged,” He said sighing and holding open the bathroom door so I could walk through it.

  
I did holding my breath tensing waiting from him to grab me, to molest me. He didn’t and I was surprised because I had been warned. Warned that this place was not a good place. That they would make sure I would never try to kill myself again. We walked down the hallway to a small office that looked like it was also some type of doctor’s office and nice woman sat there. She smiled patiently as the orderly said something to her and handed her a manila envelope with my name written on it.

  
“Thank you, Sam,” she said smiling at him before she turned to me, “My name is Miss Hazel I’m the nurse I just have some questions and then Sam will be back to do a physical for your chart ok Johnathan?” She said.

  
I nodded my head. A Physical did not sound like anything I wanted Sam doing to me. I wasn’t sure what she meant and why he would be giving me a physical and not a doctor or a nurse. But I figured whatever questions these were they wouldn’t be super hard so I sat in the chair across from her as she waited patiently for me to sit down, gauze already beside her on the desk ready to bandage my wrists up.

  
“Do you have a nickname or anything you prefer?” She asked me pulling open the folder to a blank piece of paper.

  
“I usually go by John,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ok do you want to be called John while you’re here with us?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah that’s ok.”

  
“Ok John, can you tell me why you are here?” She asked me softly.

  
“I’m assuming it’s because I tried to kill myself,” I answered.

  
“Is that something you’ve ever done before?” She asked me.

  
“No.”

  
“Have you thought about it before?”

  
“Yeah, it’s… I don’t know, it’s hard. I get so tired and I just…I wish everything would stop. School, home, everything like even if it’s just for a second so I can breathe again,” I answered.

  
“You think you’re not breathing?” She asked me taking her eyes off the paper and looking at me.

  
“Like literally?” I asked confused.

  
“Well, yes.” She answered.

  
“No, I don’t mean literally I just… Do you ever feel that fluttery feeling in your like stomach where you almost feel panic? Yeah, panic. It’s like that all the time. Like everything all the time makes me feel like I can’t breathe like this weight just choking me. I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I answered trying to be as honest as I could, trying to describe it the best I could.

  
“That must be really hard to live with. That type of anxiety. Do you know what’s causing it?” She asked me.

  
I just shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t let her know. I couldn’t tell her that. If I did she was dead. She shouldn’t be asking.

  
“What’s home like? Do you have any siblings? Pet’s? Are mom and dad still married?” She asked me.

  
“I have 10 siblings,” I answered.

  
“Wow, that’s a lot of brothers and sisters are you somewhere in the middle or…”

  
I cut her off, “I’m the oldest,” I answered.

  
“That must be a lot of responsibility,” she said looking at me.

  
“You have no idea, mum isn’t home right now she’s. She’s in here on the woman’s ward I think. So, it’s me and my younger brother Will, he’s 11. We have to keep everyone safe. We fed them before Alice came around, take turns bathing them, dressing them. Some of them are still little tiny you see? Mary and Seamus are only 10 months old and Mac he only just turned 2 last month back when we were away. And when we were gone mum had to work a lot because Da wasn’t there to support us so she had 2 jobs and a part time job and it was hard, I mean we did ok but it was hard,” I answered.

  
“Are you parents separated then?” She asked me.

  
“No, we left because it was just hard. Things were bad. She had to get us away,” I answered.

  
“Why did she have to take you guys away?” She asked me.

  
“Da., He gets angry he’s not always nice. I don’t know it’s hard to explain,” I answered.

  
“Was he hurting her? Hitting her?” She asked me.

  
“Only when she didn’t do what he wanted,” I answered.

  
“Did he ever hit you?” She asked me and I felt my chest tighten as I slowly exhaled.

  
“Only when I didn’t do what I was told,” I answered simply.

  
“What types of things did he tell you to do?” She asked me.

  
“Just like stuff I guess. I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“What type of stuff? Stuff like to do your homework, clean your room that type of stuff?” She asked me and I nodded my head in reply, “And he would hit you when you didn’t do it?” She asked me, “Hit you where? Like your bottom with his hand or hit you across the face with his hand or…?”

  
“I don’t know just like he punched me in the ribs once. I can’t remember what I didn’t do but, whatever it was I promise I didn’t do it again I don’t think,” I answered sheepishly half lying.

  
“You have any friends? What’s school like?” She asked me.

  
“School’s fine I think. I get ok grades even though my Da might say otherwise but I don’t like fail anything. I have friends There’s Cole and he’s really funny and nice and kind of cool to hang out with but a little weird. There’s Pat he’s a good friend I hang around with him a lot. He’s different he makes me feel not so panicky. I have a couple other friends too but I don’t hang out with them as often as I do Pat and Cole,” I answered.

  
“Why do you think your Dad doesn’t like your grades?” She asked me.

  
“Not straight A’s he’d say I don’t do everything I can to make sure I get all A’s but I study hard and I do my homework and stuff I just don’t know what else to do you know? It’s like I’m not good enough like my best isn’t good enough. It’s tiring, trying to take care of them and keep them safe and then doing homework. I mean school’s not in right now but it was hard but I still managed ok just not as well as he would want me to,” I answered.

  
“Any girls in the picture? Or are you attracted to boys? It’s ok if you are I just have to ask,” she said writing more stuff down on the paper.

  
“I had a girlfriend in Montana, we did homework together and stuff, hung out a lot so yeah I guess I like girls,” I answered.

  
“Are you virgin? I know it’s a weird question but I have to ask,” She said smiling.

  
I sighed not sure what to say. I hadn’t been a virgin in a long time in any sense of the word. I couldn’t tell her I wasn’t one because then she would know. She would know everything but I didn’t want to lie because she seemed so nice, “Can I skip that question?” I asked her.

  
“Why don’t you want to answer?” She asked me putting down her pen focusing all her attention on me.

  
“It’s…I don’t know if I am or not,” I lied.

  
“Well, have you had sex? Any sexual contact?” She asked me. “I’m asking because we have to run test to see if you have any STI’s or anything if you have it’s just a general question, sexual activity means oral sex, penetrative sex either vaginial or anal, any of those?”

  
“When you say oral you mean getting oral or giving oral?” I asked.

  
“Both,” She replied. “Why have you had oral sex?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to admit to anything else. I didn’t want to say who it was with. I didn’t want her to know that I was a slut. But I could feel myself starting to panic.

  
“Are you ok John?” She asked me and I nodded my head, “When you say you need to protect your siblings I’m assuming you mean from your Dad?”

  
I nodded my head again.

  
“Other than hitting you has he ever done anything else? Left you alone without food or water? Touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?” She asked me.

  
I shook my head. Telling her that meant she would die, telling her meant risking my own life and the health of my brothers and sisters. I couldn’t do that.

  
“Has anyone else ever done that?” She asked me.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head again. I didn’t want to talk about that, any of that.

  
“You sure? If you have there is nothing to be ashamed of. And if you’re not a virgin and you’ve had oral sex but all you did was kiss your girlfriend and hang out and stuff how did oral sex happen? With her?”

  
“I said and stuff,” I lied.

  
“Ok,” she said nodding her head and writing it down, “You know why your mom is here?” She asked me.

  
“No, Da said she was sick that she needed help because she shouldn’t have taken us away. That we should have stayed home that we were his kids and she wasn’t supposed to leave with us.” I answered.

  
“Are you not your mom’s biological children?” She asked me.

  
“We are, he just thinks we’re more his for some reason,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” she said, “I think that’s it for right now I’ll tell Sam he can come back in and then do your physical.”

  
“Can I have a female orderly do my physical?” I asked.

  
“No, sorry John has to be a same sex orderly. You want two of them in the room? If you don’t feel comfortable with Sam I don’t want to leave you alone with him but, I can’t put a female in here with you.”

  
“Ok, no he’s fine I just, I get nervous is all,” I answered as she started to bandage my arm making sure the gauze was secure.

  
She sighed as she stood up, “Are you sure no one has ever made you uncomfortable? I mean sexually. It’s ok if someone has, no one is judging you.”

  
I shook my head standing up as well, “No.”

  
She sighed again, “Ok well, you stay here, probably sit up on the table and he’ll come in and do your body search for contraband and then it’s time for lunch and then group. Sam will tell you all about that though. It’s nice meeting you. You’ll see the doctor tomorrow probably.”

  
She got up and opened the door leaving it cracked as she went out into the hallway. I didn’t hear anything that they said but after a few minutes Sam came into the room and shut the door behind him locking it. He held a sheet paper in his hand which looked like the outline of two bodies a face on one of them and not on the other as he set it down on the desk something already written on it that said “deep laceration to right forearm w/stitching” with an arrow pointing to the right forearm on the picture.  
“Ok, I need you to take off your clothes so I can chart your injuries and scars,” He said smiling at me making me feel sick to my stomach. I knew that wasn’t all he wanted. I could see it in his eyes, “You’re ok,” He said as I tensed waiting for the next words, “Just relax.”

  
He leaned over me where I was sitting on the examining table and grabbed the hem of my shirt lifting it up for me. And I didn’t fight him as he pulled it up over my head his hand touching the scar on my rib cage gently, “Hank?” He asked his fingers brushing slightly against the oval shaped bruise sending the tiny low voltage sparks through my system making me jump as I nodded my head in response not able to find my voice.

  
I remember his fingers feeling cold, colder than the air in the room that was already chilly. I didn’t want his hands on me but knew that struggling wasn’t an option that I had no choice but to let him as he laid a kiss on my collar bone forcing me to lay down. I bit my bottom lip forcing my body to not react to the urge to push him away as he started pulling my pants off, his hands fondling me making it hard for me to breathe, to think. I gasped as he muttered something about checking for contraband a finger finding its way up my ass slowly moving around finding a rhythm that kept bumping against that spot inside me making me jump as I bit back my moans.

  
“That’s it, yeah, that’s right cum for me,” He muttered into my right nipple as the pressure started to build.

  
I didn’t want this happening to me. I didn’t want my body responding to him. I hated him and I hated this place and I hated my life. I hated the fact that I wasn’t dead, that I wanted so desperately to be dead and I hated the fact that I couldn’t scream at all that I wasn’t allowed to protest. I came coating my naked stomach in my own cum trying to catch my breath. He sighed happily looking at me.

  
“I think we can substitute that for a cavity search, don’t you?” Sam said smiling down at me, “I’d say we’re done for now. You can put your clothes back on and I’ll fill out the chart and then I’ll take you to lunch.”

  
I sighed grabbing my shirt as he picked it up off the ground and threw it at me. I felt exposed yet still frozen in place. Once I felt like my insides were done shaking, like they were made of jello I managed to put my clothes back on sitting down back on the examining table. I waited for him to fill out his chart pretty much ignoring him and being thankful he was ignoring me until he got up and opened the door standing back so I could step through the door. I felt his eyes on my back, barrowing into me as I started down the hallway in front of him.

  
Once we walked for a while we came to a set of doors that you needed a key to unlock and he stepped in front of me and unlocked them holding it opened for me, purposely brushing his elbow into me when I passed making me shiver. I hated this guy. Past the doors was an open space almost like a foyer with phones hanging on a wall in a row with chairs next to them and a big huge room where I could see people talking through the glass wall filled with couches and chairs and tables in the corner.  
Beside that was a narrow hallway which seemed to be where the rooms were and at the end of that hallway was a door that said “girls wing”. At the other end of the foyer was a door that said the same thing and you could see through it a window in the center of the yellow door and sure enough on the other side there were girls around my age or older walking around. The only thing that separated them from the area behind the desk another door.

  
Sam went behind the desk and said something to someone who then grabbed a pile of white linens and came out from behind the desk smiling at me, “I’m Neal.” He introduced himself, “I’m going to show you were your room is and as we make your bed we’ll go over the rules ok?”

  
I just nodded my head in reply. I couldn’t tell anything about Neal whether he was good or bad but I could gather that him and Sam were friends and that didn’t seem like an indicator of anything good. He walked me down the narrow hallway next to the telephones and opened a door on left handing me the linens as he did so a white pillow case a set of sheets and a wool blanket.

  
“Ok now set it down on the bare mattress.” He said looking at me as I set the sheets down feeling awkward because I had never made a bed. “Ok the way the day starts is you can either shower or opt to get up late and shower at night. You get breakfast, goals group where you set a goal for the day, and then you have mental health group and then class for 3 hours. Then lunch.

  
After lunch, you have 2-hour free time, life skills and art therapy and then dinner after dinner you have gym time and then social issues group and then goals group. After that is down time, showers and bed. Art therapy doesn’t occur on Wednesdays or Fridays because you have visiting hours at 4pm until 5:30 and dinner is severed late. When you are off restriction you can leave the unit and go to the cafeteria but you will not talk to the adults, you only talk to the girls when you have a group with them which you have gym time and art therapy with them and that’s about it. Got it?” He asked me.

  
“My mum is here,” I said.

  
“I’ve been made aware, you won’t be seeing her. Once you are off restriction you will switch days you are allowed off the Unit with her because it is better for your health that you don’t talk and better for hers that she doesn’t know what’s going on with you understand?” He asked me as he grabbed the corner of the blanket and pulled it over the other side of my bed.

  
“Are you one of them?” I asked him.

  
“You mean brotherhood? Oh yeah,” He answered his eyes scanning my face for my reaction, “I’m not sure you’re my type though. Sam, he doesn’t have a type anything that moves does it for Sam.”

  
“What is that part like?” I asked and he laughed at me.

  
He sighed looking at me shaking his head, “Well, I could tell you but I don’t think you’ll learn your lesson if I do. He did your cavity search? That’s just the start he was getting a feel for you. He’ll do whatever he wants though honestly.”

  
“Oh,” I said simply.

  
“You can go to the day room now where you saw everyone, you’ll eat in there today and probably tomorrow too. Right now it’s life skills did you miss lunch because I can get you something?”

  
“I’m not hungry,” I answered.

  
“Ok well then you can go to life skills, I think today they are talking about house safety or something with Tony, I think you know where the day room is right?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I can go there on my own,” I said as I finished putting the blanket on my bed walked out the door and back down the hallway to the open area. I opened the door and everyone turned to look at me.


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets to meet some of the other patients and staff and experience what life will be like inside the hospital. His secret that's not so secret gets exposed to some staff. He learns more about the brotherhood and how they operate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 183 to 204 Warnings: Talk of suicide attempts, drug use, rape/non-con, homicidal behaviors, anger problems, mental health issues, it's a mental hospital I mean come on, RAPE/Non-con (of course), Asshole adults. When you see Dom say "Da" it means yes. There's some Russian in here just a little bit. The rest is pretty well explained as the story is going on. Ok there is a lot of talk here about "fire safety" because when you're in the hospital they go over stuff like that because they think you are mentally five and a lot of groups have to do with health and safety. Like A LOT. Not just mental health even though those are big topics they cover. It seems kind of redundant but it's realistic trust me.

I felt nervous as I stood in the door way almost like walking into a new classroom for the first time but I also felt like I was invading someone’s space like I didn’t really belong there. He stood by the door sheepishly waiting for someone to say something and felt my face burning red before I spotted Dom in the corner who waved at me cocking an eyebrow and pointed the empty chair next to him.

  
“You’re our new kid, right? I’m Mr. Tony,” The guy leading the group said looking up at me trying to offer a warm smile.

  
“Yeah, I’m John,” I answered, “Can I sit where ever?”

  
“Yeah sure John, we’re just talking about what to do in case of a fire in your house different types of fires that type of stuff,” he said as I wandered over and sat in the chair Dom pointed at, “Do you know anything about fires?”

  
“I know you can have an electrical fire, an oil fire, paper or wood all of that type of stuff and that you don’t throw water on an electrical fire or an oil fire I think because one can spread it and the other it can cause an electrical current to travel,” I answered.

  
“Very good,” Mr. Tony said, “Can anyone tell me a good way to put these types of fire? Yeah Dillion?”

  
A boy with brown hair and brown eyes looked at him, “Fire extinguisher.” He answered simply in a weird accent I couldn’t place.

  
“That’s right Dillion, good job,” He said, “And what do we do if someone catches on fire or we catch on fire?”

  
“Run around to spread the flames,” Someone said holding back a laugh.

  
“Yeah hug are dad’s so they burn with us,” Someone else said their eyes sparkling with mischief.

  
“Josh, Ron I warned you two to stop it, that’s not funny talking about suicide isn’t funny especially something that painful someone want to answer the question seriously? Don’t do it again otherwise I will send you to isolation got it?” He said looking at them both closely.

  
“Stop drop and roll get the person low to the ground and smother them with a blanket preferably a wet one but dry works just fine,” A kid with glasses and pale skin, dark eyes and hair answered.

  
“Yes Burgess,” Mr. Tony said, “Very good thank you.”

  
“Oh, come on Mr. Tony a little hatred for your dad is healthy in a young man,” A blond boy in the corner around my age quipped.

  
“No, not really, I actually have no problem with my father and never have,” Mr. Tony said, “Why do so many of you have issues with adult males? Can we talk about that?” He asked and the room fell silent looking at him, “That’s what I thought now would you prefer fire safety? Otherwise we’re going to talk about how to better communicate with authority figures which I had planned for tomorrow.”

  
I heard Dom mutter something under his breath I didn’t understand and the guy next to him sniggered.

  
“Tyler and Dom English only,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“Prosti,” Dom muttered.

  
“Dom I’m warning you…,” Mr. Tony started.

  
“Sorry, I said I was sorry,” Dom said rolling his eyes as he sighed.

  
“You don’t seem sorry,” Mr. Tony commented.

  
“I don’t get to speak it at home ok? I’m sorry I want to use my language the one my real parents taught me and I’m sorry I have someone to do it with,” Dom said.

  
“We’ve been over this your dads are your real parents and you have to speak English here so we know what you are talking about,” Mr. Tony said, “Don’t make me send you to isolation because you don’t seem to like it. You boys are just pressing buttons today and I thought you liked me.”

  
“We do Mr. Tony I just think everyone is a little upset with the Staff today,” Burgess said softly.

  
“Is it Sam guys?” Mr. Tony asked and a couple guys shrugged their shoulders, “Look I know Sam is tough ok but he’s really not a bad guy I promise. Just behave and you won’t get in trouble and misbehaving with me isn’t going to keep you out of trouble even if I do give you more chances then Sam does, all right? How about we introduce ourselves to each other since we have a new guy and we’ll forget fire safety for now because obviously, some of you have a hard time taking that subject seriously is that fair?”

  
“Yes sir,” The whole room said in unison.

  
“Good, I’ll start first names, your age and why you are here you can either make it long or short I don’t care we’re just filling time before art therapy all right? I’m Mr. Tony, I’m 28 and I obviously work here because this is the kid’s unit so I can’t be a patient even though some people say I’m a kid at heart.”

  
The kid next to him shifted to look at me his fro almost seeming to bounce with the movement of his head as he wrinkled his nose taking in my appearance, “I’m Eric,” he said looking at me, “I’m 16 and I’m here because I smoked some dope ass dope and it almost fucking killed me.” He said.

  
“Can we try to be appropriate?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“You want me to try again?” Eric asked frowning.

  
“Yes, that would be great if you could find a better way to say that,” Mr. Tony said leaning back playing with the pen in his hand.

  
“Hello, my name is Eric I am 16 and I am here because I suffer from drug addiction and nearly overdosed,” Eric said again.

  
“Much better thank you Eric,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“I’m Burgess,” The kid with the glasses said, “I’m 15 and I’m here because I … do I really have to say it?” Burgess asked looking at Mr. Tony.

  
“Yes please,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“I tried to smother my little brother with a pillow.” Burgess finished.

  
“I’m Dillion I’m 14 drugs,” Dillion stated simply not really looking up at me.

  
“I’m Tyler, I’m 15 I found a gun,” Tyler said.

  
“You found a gun or you tried to shoot yourself with a gun?” Mr. Tony prompted.

  
“Why does it matter I couldn’t get the safety off,” Tyler said, “Fine I tried to shoot myself with a gun.”

  
“Thank you, honesty is important guys, ok? No one is judging you for why you’re here but sometimes it helps to know so people don’t feel like they are alone. Who know? Maybe you’ll learn things about each other if you’re honest. Mr. Tony said, “Dom you go.”

  
“I’m Dom I think you all know me but I’m here because I tried to kill myself hence the turtle neck they make me wear under my stupid scrubs, I’m 13.” Dom answered.

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“Yeah really, we can talk about it later all right?” Dom said quietly.

  
“You two know each other?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“We go to school together,” Dom answered before I could say anything.

  
“Are you friends? Do you talk to each other or just...,” Mr. Tony started before Dom cut him off.

  
“I actually talk to him a lot yeah. He’s a friend at least I think of him as one what about you John?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’d say we’re friends. I’m John I’m 13 I attempted suicide,” I answered simply.

  
The guy sitting next to me shifted in his seat as all eyes turned to look at him. His chubby face turning slightly pink making his hair look at that much darker and his eyes look that much smaller, “I’m Troy I’m 11, I’m here because I tried to step out in front of a car.”

  
“I’m Josh, My Dad was raping me so I stabbed him in the eye with a pen,” Josh answered simply, “I’m 17 I’m sorry I was tired of bullshit ok I was tired of him constantly grabbing my…”

  
“Josh, that’s enough you don’t need to be that detailed,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“Why aren’t you in like prison?” Burgess asked.

  
“Because I showed the cops a video of him doing it so they believed me and apparently, self-defense is a good excuse so they decided that I probably need some psychological help and he needs prison and then I’m going to go live with my Aunt or some shit,” Josh answered, “I’m just happy I don’t have to deal with him anymore while some people just get stuck in that situation.”

  
“Snitches get stitches,” Someone muttered even though I couldn’t tell who.

  
“Snitches don’t get stitches they get papers,” Eric sighed crossing his arms in front of his chest and shaking his head.

  
“Boys, enough I don’t want to hear about it, that’s enough all right?” Mr. Tony warned.

  
The boy sitting next to him was Asian and just sighed shaking his head, “I tried to kill myself I’m Ron I’m 12,” Ron answered plainly.

  
“Ok everyone you have 15 minutes you can talk amongst yourselves go grab anything you might need, a drink use the bathroom and when I come back we’ll head to art therapy,” Mr. Tony said smiling at us as he got up and opened the day room door walking away and behind the desk.

  
“Are you fucking stupid?” Eric hissed looking at Josh, “They are going to fucking kill you, you realize? You’ll be lucky if he actually goes to prison.”

  
Josh shrugged his shoulders, “If they do I won’t care because I’ll be dead.”

  
“And what about the next kid he “adopts” what about them?” Eric asked.

  
“You guys are all adopted?” I asked curious.

  
“It’s not real adoption it’s … do you know anything about trafficking?” Eric asked me and I shook my head.

  
“They buy kids from different places and then just move them around. Whoever pays the most money gets the kid until they are sick of them and then they give them to someone else, I was brought when I was like 4 I’ve had 10 different dads,” Eric said, “So yeah I shoot dope because I mean wouldn’t you?”

  
“No, he’ll drink some vodka, Da?” Dom smirked at me and bumped my shoulder lightly.

  
“Not lately,” I muttered.

  
“Really? You managed to sober up?” Dom asked, “That’s news.”

  
“I’m surprised you’re not surprised to see me,” I answered.

  
“I get phone calls, I’ve talked to Pat. I knew you were back I was sad to hear it but… it is what it is right?” Dom asked looking at me.

  
“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered.

  
“Wait so you know about…,” Burgess trailed off.

  
“Yeah, he’s an untouchable though,” Dom said.

  
“Bitch!” Troy said slapping his knee, “You’re kidding me?”

  
“No, he’s right,” I said looking at them all feeling guilty, “My mum took us and ran we were gone for a while I got sober I went to therapy and was doing ok until… he found us.”

  
“Who?” Ron asked.

  
“My Da,” I answered.

  
“He’s your handler?” Eric asked me.

  
I swallowed not wanting to think about it, not wanting to think about how I was property. How everyone of us in that room was property to someone. I felt the heat in my face rising, “Could we not?”

  
“So, that’s why you’re friends with Dom huh?” Troy asked.

  
“Wha-what do you mean?” I asked.

  
“You don’t talk about it, you like to pretend it’s not real. I tried that for a long ass time it doesn’t work that’s how you end up here,” Troy said.

  
“Says the guy who wanted to do an impression of a speed bump,” Eric snorted his nostrils flaring.

  
“Shut up Eric,” Josh said shooting Eric a look that could skin a cat, “He’s just a kid.”

  
“He’s just a kid? Please I don’t care what year he was born there aren’t any kids here,” Eric muttered standing up, “We should all take a piss before it’s too late.”

  
“True,” Dom sighed standing up, “Come on let’s use the bathroom John.”

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Neal will take us down to art therapy and you don’t want to have him walk you to the bathroom,” Josh answered me simply as he stood up as well leaving the day room as everyone else followed behind him.

  
“What’s your room number?” Someone asked behind me that sounded like Dillion his odd accent making every word sound different, rough and harsh somehow.

  
“4B,” I answered remembering the room number of the door I had gone into with my pile of bed linens.

  
“You’re my roommate,” Dom said turning around and offering me a small smile and I shrugged my shoulders in reply as we walked down the hall towards our rooms and everyone went their separate ways into each room.

  
“Do I want to know why I can’t use the bathroom during art therapy?” I asked curious as Dom went into the bathroom leaving the door cracked.

  
“If Neal decides he likes you he gets handsy from what I’ve heard,” Dom said, “He likes challenges too though and you being untouchable I don’t know if they know what you are yet but, here your level doesn’t get you the same privileges it gets you out in the real world so I’d be very careful because it makes you just as appealing.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused by what he meant.

  
“They can do what they want to you, when they want to do it and no one will stop them. They don’t have to ask your dad, they don’t have to pay him money or ask the leader they can just…,” Dom trailed off, “Anyway just be careful. Do you think they know yet? You said Sam did your strip search, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head slowly as Dom stepped out after washing his hands so I could use the bathroom.

  
“Did he check your body for scars and stuff?” Dom asked me.

  
“I’m not sure he seemed pretty distracted,” I said as I went into the tiny bathroom stall next to the sink and started to use the bathroom and once I was done flushed and came out turning on the water and soaping up my hands.

  
“If he did see it Neal already knows, if he didn’t you’ll get searched again and then they’ll know,” Dom said, “Being here isn’t as hard as home in some ways, but it’s not fun. If you hear any noises at night just keep your eyes closed. That part is almost like the Villa accept you’re not tied down so if you look over you’ll be able to see and I would rather you didn’t see …. well, that.”

  
I nodded my head understanding what he meant. If they came in at night you had to let them do whatever they wanted to you because you didn’t have a choice. He would rather I kept my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see someone on top of him, moving their hips.

  
Have me know what they were doing to him, what it felt like and that there wasn’t anything I could to do help him, to make it stop or stop it from happening to me if they decided that’s what they wanted. Sometimes the idea of not knowing was easier than knowing. However, both put you on edge because you knew it would happen you just didn’t always know when or where even when you were at home.

  
“God, I hate how bad this fucking itches,” Dom said pulling down his turtle neck under shirt for a minute and scratching at his neck the skin there raw and red with a few tiny pin prick scabs dotting his skin. It also looked shiny like something had rubbed the skin raw.

  
“You tried to hang yourself?” I asked, coming out of the bathroom my hands still wet from rinsing them.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said shrugging his shoulders allowing his turtle neck to slide back into place, “If you try it don’t do it when someone is home, My Dad found me and did CRP and then beat the shit out of me before he drove me here instead of the Villa, thank fucking god.”

  
“Did it hurt?” I asked.

  
“It felt like being choked kind of, only all around my neck instead of just by the throat and then I passed out I’m pretty sure,” Dom said, “What did you do because you look fine. Pills?” He asked.

  
“No woke up and went upstairs climbed into the tub and then just…took a boxer cutter and…,” I pulled up my sleeve showing him my bandage.

  
“Did that hurt?” He asked me.

  
“At first yeah but then it was just like any other cut,” I answered, “Then I got tired and I just kind of fell asleep. I don’t remember anything after that but waking up in the hospital.”

  
“Was it scary?” He asked me looking at me.

  
“Not as scary as what was going to happen to me,” I answered feeling myself finally starting to break down over where I had almost ended up. How I had almost ended up Leo’s plaything for the weekend.

  
“John, come on, you need to sit down you look like you are about to faint,” Dom said grabbing me by the elbow lightly and leading me over to a bed to sit down, “You want to talk about it?”

  
I tried to swallow the dryness in my throat. I could hear every word my Da had said how Leo would find a good punishment for me, how my contract was going to be extended. How he had forced himself on me for hours and hours in that SUV before my mum had taken us to Montana. I felt like I was drowning in it, like I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it.

  
“John? Are you ok?” He asked me quietly looking at me closely a frown of concern imbedded into his features.

  
“He was going to give me to someone,” I finally managed to say, “Someone who… last time I saw I thought he was going to kill me. That made me think I would never come home. Why would he give me to someone who made me feel that way?”  
“Because they’re paying him enough money to be with you,” Dom answered simply as we both went silent. There really wasn’t anything else to say at that point because we both knew that was the truth. That he was only giving me to Leo because Leo had promised him enough money. He sighed as he stood up, “You going to be ok? We have art therapy I think we might be painting or if you’re lucky it’s a free day and we can play cards or some other easy shit,” Dom said smiling sadly at me.  
“Ok,” I said standing up, “Is it weird I just want to nap?” I asked him.

  
“I wouldn’t think so,” Dom said as he glanced over at me, “You look like you achieved mentally what Troy was trying to succeed at physically.”

  
“What is up with you guys picking on him for that?” I asked cracking a small smile.

  
“You have to admit it’s pretty stupid,” Dom said, “Like how on earth did he think that would work? Was he hoping the car wouldn’t stop when it saw him? Like seriously…”

  
“He’s only Will’s age does Will really think things through all the way?” I asked him as we walked down the hall.

  
“Actually yes. I would say Will is actually highly intelligent from the few times I have met him,” Dom answered me, “But I suppose Will is unusual.”

  
“Yeah, he’s a bad example. At 11 I thought if I hid in my dorm closet they couldn’t send me home for the weekend,” I said.

  
“Really? You were that innocent?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah, I think it was less I thought it and more I hoped it but…you know I still tried it,” I answered.

  
“Home from boarding school?” Dom questioned.

  
“Yeah, home from boarding school not that I didn’t mind seeing my little sisters and brothers I loved that part it was…,” I trailed off.

  
“Your dad?” Dom asked as we walked into the day room.

  
“From the time I can remember it was always the same at night. Like he was a different person. Now he’s just like that all the time,” I answered.

  
“Not my Dad and Pop, always been the same since I got here since the papers were signed,” he said shaking his head, “Maybe that’s why I’m so fucking bitter? I hate that they adopted me just to use me.”

  
“Are you really adopted or are like those guys?” I asked curious since I had found out level ones were more like human sex slaves then actual kids that went to school and had real lives.

  
“No, my adoption is official.” Dom answered, “They educate me because they have to though I’m sure. Otherwise I would be like them.”

  
We stepped into the day room and everyone turned to look at us which made me shiver realizing all eyes were on me. I didn’t know why they were staring at us or what the big deal was until Troy nudged Burgess forward with his body slightly and Burgess smiled at me and cleared his throat nervously.

  
“Da?” Dom asked.

  
“Hey huh, John, right? Is your last name McGregor?” Burgess asked me.

  
“Why?” I asked afraid of what his answer would be. That somehow my Uncle had put me on everyone’s shit list. I knew he was famous among us for his cruelty and that he wasn’t a fun or pleasant person.

  
“Because if you are that means you’re related to Ben, right?” Ron said looking at me closely.

  
I just nodded my head waiting for someone to yell at me. To call me a bastard and to tell me I deserved what was happening. That my family was full of freaks and I didn’t deserve to be here that I should be locked up in a dungeon somewhere to be tormented.

  
“Sorry,” Josh said looking at me from the door way his eyes soft, “I know him, you know?”

  
“Who doesn’t know him?” Ron asked.

  
“I don’t,” Eric answered, “I know of him but I’ve never actually met the guy and personally I feel blessed.”

  
“Sorry,” I said.

  
“Don’t be sorry. You probably get the worst of it,” Dillon said.

  
“No, actually my younger brother does,” I answered.

  
Just then Neal came up to the door behind Josh and sighed standing there making Josh turn around quickly, “All right guys time for Art therapy, I need everyone to line up next to the double doors please and be silent.”

  
We did as we were told Dom standing in front of me while Josh stood behind me rubbing the back of his neck and frowning at Nate. He flashed me a light smile when he saw me watching him and cocked his head in a forward motion meaning I should turn and face the front which I did as Nate walked by.

  
“Ok everyone let’s… ok now be quiet. You see anyone from another Unit in the hallway don’t talk to them, don’t even look at them. You’ll have art therapy with the girls today so I expect you to all be the gentlemen I know exists somewhere in those bodies all right boys?” Nate said looking at all of us before he turned the key in the lock and opened the doors and we followed him out into the hallway. He walked us not too far from what they called our unit and stopped in front of a door lined up against the wall to the right while the girls lined up on the wall to the left of the door.

  
“Ladies go in first,” Neal said smiling at the girls’ staff who smiled back as the girls walked into the room quietly and the we followed in behind.

  
When we entered the room we each took a seat at one of the tables that were arranged around the room. I sat down next to Dom, him being the only person I really felt comfortable with while a couple of other people sat at the same table with us. When everyone was sitting down a woman with brown curly hair and glasses that looked to be in her 30’s got up and quietly shut the door before she started to speak.

  
“Ok for those of you who don’t know my name is Miss Kim and I’m the art therapy instructor. Today we’re going to work on drawing and coloring because it can actually be easy and a good way to get out emotions and feelings. It’s a good coping skill. So, if you want to draw when I tell you to grab a blank piece of paper from the small table over there and if you want to color you can go through this pile which has coloring sheets and pick a couple out. I’ve put one bin of colored pencils, markers and crayons on each desk and no you can’t take any with you back to the unit, have fun,” Miss Kim said as our tables got up one by one upon direction and people grabbed what they wanted and then sat back down.

  
I grabbed a coloring sheet with a Panda bear and a Tiger on it and sat back down between Dom and Josh while there were three girls on the other side of the table. I listened to the light conversation going on between Josh and one of the girls.  
“So today I saw my doctor, right? I still think he’s a total dick didn’t even really talk to me just whispered into his tape recorder like I wasn’t there for 20 minutes,” The girl said annoyance clear in her voice as she glanced up from her piece of paper where she was drawing something.

  
“I didn’t see mine today,” Josh said, “I’m glad I didn’t personally though as I don’t care for any of this shit anyway. There’s nothing wrong with me just with everyone else.”

  
“John, this is Debbie,” Josh said noticing me glancing at the girl. Her curly hair was pulled back into a messy bun, her glasses falling down her nose slightly as she looked down at her drawing.

  
She glanced up looking at me smiling slightly. The smile even reaching her blue eyes that somewhat reminded me of Pat’s eyes. Just thinking of it, about him made my whole body hurt for a second. Thinking of how badly I wanted to just talk to him and how important it was that I didn’t. That I try to let it go and tried to move forward and find support in other places.

  
“Are you a natural redhead?” She asked me suddenly studying me features closely her brow wrinkling in concentration.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head looking over at Dom at the mention of my hair color, his hair being only one or two shades darker than my own.

  
“Are you and Dom related?” She asked me noticing that I was looking at him.

  
“Nyet,” Dom muttered, “Just friends.”

  
“You know how odd that is considering only 2 percent of the human population has natural red hair?” Debbie said looking at us, “Are you sure you’re not related?”

  
“Da, I’m Russian he’s Irish,” Dom answered without looking up from his own coloring sheet.

  
“That doesn’t mean anything maybe you’re like distance cousins or something,” Debbie said looking at Dom scowling, “You two look an awful lot alike.”

  
Dom sighed a looked up at her, “Do we?” He asked looking at her.

  
She sighed looking at us closely, “I guess not. Your cheeks are a little fuller where as his nose is narrower and his lips are fuller and your eyes are brown while his are green.”

  
“I rest my case,” Dom said looking back down going back to his coloring.

  
“Dom, you don’t have to be mean,” Another girl said.

  
“I’m not mean, I’m blunt. We don’t look that much alike to be mistaken for brothers,” Dom said looking at me.

  
“You do from far away,” She said, I looked at her closely. Her short hair was brown and cut closely to her head she had almost the same haircut I did but something about her made her look tired, just exhausted.

  
“Why because we both have red hair? It’s not even the same shade.” He said closing his eyes for a minute blinking slowly in frustration. I knew why it was a point of contention for him. It reminded him of Hank, of Finick who both seemed to share a desire for both of us at least one of them we knew it was because of our common trait, our hair color.

  
Josh looked up and noticed the tension in Dom’s body language and cleared his throat, “Clara, I honestly don’t think they look like they are related at all can you just like drop it?”

  
“But you have to admit it’s kind of weird, right? That they both have red hair, how many redheads do you know?” Clara asked.

  
“Two,” Josh answered her, “But seriously why is that an issue for you?”

  
“I know six apart from myself,” I said, “My sisters all three of them, my mum and one of my brothers and then Dom.”

  
“Really? That many just in your family you know how rare that is?” Clara asked sounding surprised.

  
“You keep saying that. Yes, we’re aware. No, we’re not related. No, we don’t look the same, it’s not exactly a trait that defines either of us as people now will you please just drop it?” Dom said looking up at her his eyes flashing the volume of his voice starting to elevate.

  
“Dom, she didn’t mean anything by it I’m sure,” I said softly.

  
“I’m…sorry I just,” Dom shook his head slightly, “I’m sorry Clara it’s just a subject I don’t like ok?”

  
“I’m sorry too, for bringing it up I just think it’s cool is all,” She said turning back to her coloring sheet.

  
“Do, you really have to be so mean?” The girl next to Clara asked Dom.

  
“Look,” I said sighing, “He doesn’t like to talk about it ok? I understand why so could you please just drop it? He already said he was sorry.”

  
“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal for him,” The girl said.

  
“Abby really? They asked you to drop it could you please just drop it?” Josh said defending me, defending Dom.

  
“I’m sorry but there really isn’t any need to be that rude. It’s just hair,” Abby said.

  
“You don’t get it, ok? It’s a big deal for us. Especially for him so, could you just please let it go? He already said he was sorry so please just drop it?” I asked again.

  
“Why is it a big deal?” Clara asked looking at us worriedly.

  
“It’s just a point of anxiety,” Dom answered her not looking up.

  
“Is it apart of why you tried to kill yourself?” Clara asked.

  
I watched Dom freeze. He stopped coloring and stopped moving almost like someone had pressed a pause button. I watched him closely the way his chest lacked movement and I knew he was having a moment, that he was stuck somewhere in his head and it scared me.

  
“Dom?” I asked quietly, “Dom come on, you’re ok.” I prompted.

  
“Yeah,” He said nodding his head, “Yeah I’m ok. And yeah it is but I prefer not to talk about it thanks Clara, for understanding.”

  
“Ok,” Clara sad smiling sadly, “No problem again I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you Dom.”

  
Dom nodded and started coloring again. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack thinking about school last year what had happened before my mum took us and ran. What Dom had seen. Now it was my turn to freeze up I didn’t even realize it was happening before I heard someone scoff.

  
“God, you guys really don’t share anything, do you? You all seem so close and I know it’s because you have to sit there and go over your problems but it’s nuts. Some of us we actually open up we ask you guys about anything you shut down it’s annoying,” Abby sneered before turning to her own paper.

  
“Some people don’t want to flaunt their problems. I can tell you about mine if it will make you happy.” Josh said and I knew he would.

  
“Josh…” I warned.

  
“I was raped ok? I can’t say anything about anyone else but I was raped and then I got involved in drugs and so now I’m here does that satisfy any curiosity you might actually have?” Josh asked her.

  
“How can you get raped? You’re a guy.” Abby scoffed frowning.

  
“I had some adult stick their dick up my ass,” Josh said as the staff finally tuned into our conversation, “Just because I don’t have a pussy doesn’t mean I don’t have holes for some bastard to stick it in and get off ok? Are you fucking stupid?”  
“Josh language,” Miss Kim said, “And not an appropriate conversation for art therapy please change the topic.”

  
“She basically just asked how I could be raped. Is she really oblivious as to how that works or is she just stupid? Josh scoffed.

  
Just then Neal cleared his throat, “John I have to take you back to the unit,” He said suddenly, “Your doctor wanted to see you once you got settled. This is the only time I can really think of so if you could please follow me I’ll take you back.”  
“Are you sure?” I asked knowing what I had heard about Neal how you didn’t want to be alone with him in case he decided you were his type.

  
“Yeah, I don’t think this a discussion you should be involved in any way so let’s go,” He said opening up the door to the room as I stood up reluctantly and looked at Dom who shrugged his shoulders, “Now,” Neal prompted as I stepped through the door.

  
He walked next to me silently until we turned down a hallway I had never been down before, “Why didn’t you tell me your level?” He asked me quietly from behind me.

  
“I didn’t think it mattered,” I answered feeling my mouth go dry. This couldn’t be happening.

  
“You know how often I get to touch an untouchable? Most of you guys turn, enjoy it after a while but you. You’re a fighter, aren’t you? You don’t want to be one of us that makes it exciting,” He said as he opened a door into what looked like another examining room, “In.”

  
I exhaled and went into the room. I knew what he wanted. I knew he was going to rape me. He shut the door behind him locking it and he confirmed my fears. I didn’t know why he had taken us so far from where anyone else would be but I could only guess it was in case I screamed. He smiled at me his eyes flashing as he undid his belt.

  
“Strip,” He said looking at me licking his lips.

  
“Please,” I said looking at him, “Please don’t.”

  
“You’re only supposed to beg after I start. See now you’re just being edger. Come on strip,” He said pulling his shirt over his head and undoing his pants as he smiled, “I think I remember something. Should we start with some foreplay?”

  
“Wha? N-n-n-no,” I stammered lifting my shirt up over my head finally.

  
“It’s ok, I’ll make it feel good before I make you scream,” he said looking at me as I folded my arms over my naked chest.

  
“I’d rather you just get to it personally,” I answered him even though he hadn’t asked the question again or another question.

  
“I don’t think so. I think it might be the best way to make you scream? Is that why you’re here? Because daddy likes sucking your dick a little too much? I knew a couple of guys that were like that in my time. Understandable but is it really worth killing yourself over?” Neal questioned as he forced me back onto the examining table undoing the snaps on my pants so that I was exposed.

  
“Don’t,” I said as he started kissing my waist and belly button, “Don’t, stop it.” I said pushing at him as hard as I could, trying to push him away.

  
“You want to fight I will restrain you,” Neal said, “Can’t markup that pretty flesh, all right?” he said as he held my wrist tightly.

  
“I really don’t like that. Please don’t do it,” I begged him as he looked at me closely.

  
He smiled evilly, “If you close your eyes maybe you’ll enjoy it.” He said before letting go of my wrist and biting my belly button lightly before he stuck his tongue it in as I felt myself starting to get hard. Fuck I didn’t want this. “Well hello, you’re actually very impressive I can see why your Daddy likes to suck it so much how old are you?” He asked me as he ran his tongue over my tip making me swear.

  
“Yeah?” He asked me, “How old are you?”

  
“13,” I answered as he grabbed me and started rubbing up and down my shaft lightly making me gasp as my breathing started to speed up.

  
“And you have like what 3 and half 4 inches here? That’s impressive does it taste as good as it looks?”

  
I felt the blood drain from my face he really was going to blow me. I didn’t want this. “God please someone call him or something give him a reason not to be here with me” was all I could think. I didn’t want him touching me as he finally slid his mouth around me and I whimpered trying to keep my hands still trying to not grab him to try and push him away. I hated that I wasn’t allowed to stop him, that I wasn’t allowed to fight back.

  
“Shit,” I said through gritted teeth as his mouth started to really do its job and accomplish what he wanted it to as I felt the pressure get to an unbearable point as I struggled not to climax and not to push him away at the same time.

  
I wanted him to stop. I really wanted him to stop. The tingling going from a slight pressure to feeling like my whole groin was asleep as it got to the point where I knew I was going to cum and that I couldn’t stop it anymore, “Ok, fuck, ok I said stop, stop it. STOP!” I finally screamed right before I climaxed into his mouth which made him suck more as he swallowed. He came up gasping for air smiling at me making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“You taste really awesome, like I’ve swallowed plenty and yours really taste good, roll over,” he said.

  
I didn’t have to look closely at it to know. I would rather he rape me and it hurt from behind then have to stare into his eyes as he did, as he went slow bumping against that spot inside me that made me want to shoot myself in the face. I sighed doing as I was told not wanting to see him, to look at him.

  
I didn’t know what he was doing probably putting something on to make him slick because he didn’t use his fingers to prep me but just shoved himself in wet and cold making me bite my mouth closed to hide my scream because it hurt. It felt like he was ripping my insides apart. I heard him grunt.

  
“God your tight,” He muttered into my neck as he finally made it all the way in, “That’s why I love untouchables always so fucking tight you don’t get used into the ground like ones or twos.”

  
On his first thrust the pain was so much I screamed before I could help myself which caused him to stop moving against me once he was balls deep in me once again. I knew I was going to be bleeding when he finished if he kept going the way he was. That there was too much friction and it was causing a burning sensation to travel up my tailbone.

  
“Nice, sounds beautiful,” He said pounding harder,” Just relax.”

  
I tried to close my eyes. To go somewhere else hoping that he wouldn’t hurt me too badly and I might just end up walking funny because of the fact whatever he used for lubrication wasn’t a good product. When he was done, he pulled out all the way the suction as he pulled free hurting me making me hiss.

  
“Oh opphs, next time I’ll have to be more gentle I guess I was a little too rough,” He said, “Sorry I guess I’m used to the ones and twos they can handle 15 inches pounding fucking hard before they start to bleed. Your dad is gentle with you?” he asked me as I went to go stand up and felt the pain shoot up my tail bone.

  
“I’m not talking about him,” I said as I pulled my pants back up.

  
He looked at me closely his eyes boring into me until I averted my gaze. I didn’t want this creep knowing anything more about me then he already did. I didn’t want him to know what my life was like how I shared a bed with my Da, how he always made sure he was slow and he bumped against my prostate in just that way that made me hate myself. I didn’t want this guy to know that I willingly went even though I hated it because it kept my brothers safe, kept them from getting hurt by him from hating themselves as much as I hated myself.

  
“He is, isn’t he?” He asked me smiling, “Daddy’s special boy?”

  
I knew I visibly shuddered when he said it. Just hearing it made me blood run cold. I knew that was a part of why I was here. That people knew, that Dom knew and Pat and Cole but I didn’t want anyone else knowing. Knowing that my Da was like that. That he would rather take his time and make my body respond then hurt me, fight with me.

  
“Don’t say that,” I said not able to look him in the face.

  
“Yeah? Makes your skin crawl thinking about it?” He asked and I could hear the smirk in his voice as I tried to keep myself from crying, “That’s why you did it? That’s why you tried to kill yourself because you would rather die than admit you like it?”  
“Can we go back now?” I asked still not looking at him my whole body shaking.

  
“That’s it, isn’t it? You like it sweet and slow just like daddy? I bet when he makes you cum it taste even better, because you’re relaxed. Daddy make out with you too? He doesn’t just fuck you he makes love to you. Doesn’t he?” he taunted.  
“Shut up,” I said finally looking at him. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want him to know.

  
He laughed, “He does and you enjoy it. I bet you cum so hard for him, don’t you? You think if I was gentle and nice I could make you cum that hard?” He asked me walking forward causing me to back up against the wall feeling like I was choking even though he wasn’t touching me.

  
All of the sudden a buzzer went off making me jump out of my skin and then a voice sounded over the loud speaker, “Dr. White to Unit B, Dr. White to Unit B.”

  
“Fucking Christ,” Neal swore and walked over to the phone on the wall and hit a number, “Yeah is this about John M? The Dr. White? Yeah, no you don’t have to worry about it. I have him. Yeah, he’s with me he’s fine. Mhm, yep we’re on our way back.” He said and then hung up the phone.

  
“What’s Dr. White mean?” I asked him.

  
“Missing Patient,” he answered simply grabbing his belt off the floor and putting it on, “Come on we’re late I didn’t mean to take so long I guess I’ll have to get you on the night shift because you’re a really really good fuck give it to you nice and soft and slow huh?” He said smiling at me as he finished doing up his belt and opened the door to take me back to the unit.

  
We walked in silence him behind me, watching me probably to see if I started bleeding or anything so he could pull me into a bathroom to clean up if he had to. Every movement sending a weird burning pain up my ass and into my waist and hips. It didn’t feel as bad as it had before when I had been forced violently but still hurt enough that I knew I was moving weird and he was watching me closely.

  
When we got to the double doors I turned a looked at him frowning. I just wanted to go back to the unit and hopefully go to sleep. He came up and unlocked the door pushing it open for us allowing me to pass through the doors. I walked into the Unit and found it mostly empty the only one that was still there was Burgess. He had a tray of food in front of him sitting at the corner table of the day room.

  
“There you are,” Tony said putting a tray down next to Burgess’ “you eat your meals here for the next three days. It’s just caution make sure you don’t hurt yourself or anything. When you’re done put all of your leftover food and utensils on the tray and put the lid on. Have a good meal. You can’t go down to gym because you are on restrictions with Burgess and Dom so you’ll be in here for gym time.”

  
I sat down where he had put the tray down and pulled the lid off looking at it. It looked like a piece of rubber pretending to be meat smothered in fat pretending to be gravy with a side of peas and mashed potatoes. I frowned closely at it picking it up with my fork turning it over.

  
“If you don’t eat it they’ll label you ED,” Burgess said looking at me as he cut into his with his fork and took a bite of it.

  
“ED?” I asked confused.

  
“Eating disordered, you know like anorexic,” he said, “You look like you don’t weigh that much.”

  
“Says you,” I said but it was true. I had lost weight in the 2 weeks since I had been home, “What happens if they give you that label?”

  
“They eat with you, they won’t let you use the bathroom for 2 hours after meals, won’t let you brush your teeth after you eat, they watch what you eat and give you something to drink if they think you don’t eat enough. However, they might do that anyway after they weigh you tomorrow because you don’t weigh nearly enough for someone your height,” He told me.

  
“I don’t have an eating disorder I just…it’s hard to want to eat when …,” I trailed off.

  
“When your stomach is constantly in knots because you’re waiting for someone to attack you or they are withholding food from you because they want less of a mess?” Burgess asked me. And I nodded my head, “Yeah but you have to trust me. You don’t want to deal with the bullshit I have to deal with. Once I finish this plate they are going to bring me a can of boost that I have to drink. If I don’t finish everything on this plate they’ll bring me two and I have to drink both.”  
“What if you refused?” I asked.

  
“They’ll take me to isolation and they’ll make me eat something else if you know what I mean,” Burgess said, “It’s makes me feel fucking disgusting. All of it but at least this taste better than that. At least in this I can control the salt content a little bit.”  
“You mean they make you swallow?” I asked thinking about the last time I was forced to give oral how I couldn’t remember it because it had been that long ago.

  
“Yep and I fucking hate it so I’d rather just eat the food,” Burgess said, “So eat your food, all of your food. Trust me.”

  
I gulped looking at it closely before I speared a piece of meat off with my fork and put it in my mouth the gravy tasting thick and almost like creamy jello as I struggled to swallow without throwing up. I tried to swallow another bite of the congealed half meat half rubber substance before I knew I wouldn’t be able to take anymore and then focused on my mashed potatoes and peas. Mr. Tony came in shortly as the door to the unit opened and Dom came back and sat down at the table with us.  
“Why aren’t you eating your meat?” Mr. Tony asked me causing Burgess and Dom to snicker at the dirty pun he had unintentionally made.

  
“huh, it doesn’t taste very good,” I answered simply.

  
“How much do you weigh you think?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I know I’ve been stressed so I’ve lost weight but I didn’t think it was dangerous. I don’t have an Eating Disorder.”

  
“Well what did you eat yesterday?” He asked me.

  
“I was in a coma for the last 3 days,” I answered, “So I’m pretty sure I didn’t eat anything.”

  
“What did you eat before your coma,” He asked me.

  
“Some potato crisps I’m pretty sure,” I answered recalling the nasty burger that was presented to me at lunch, “some orange juice and water I think. I wasn’t exactly…” I trailed off not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to admit to him that my Da had more or less told me I should eat things high in fiber so I didn’t make a mess.

  
“Hungry?” Mr. Tony finished.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I don’t know just like a lot of stuff going on.”

  
“You want to tell me a bit about it?” He asked me quietly.

  
“My mum took us to Montana because my Da was, beating her. He wasn’t being very nice to anyone really so we left. We were gone for a little while and things were hard but better. I spent all my time at home or with my girlfriend Heather but she usually came over to my house because I was taking care of the babies and stuff so she’d help me out and we’d do homework and stuff together and things seemed to be ok but then. He found us. He hired some guys actually and they found us and took us home. When we got back he took my mum away. Brought her here and things have just been hard,” I said.

  
“What do you mean by hard? And what about hard but better?” He asked me softly.

  
“Well, mum had two jobs there were 11 of us, that’s a lot of kids to take care of on your own. You need a lot of money for that and it was just her and us so she got two jobs, right? So, Will, that’s my younger brother who is 11 and I, we took care of everyone. We feed them, helped them do their homework get ready for school, put them to bed. Mum did those things on her days off of course but, a lot of the time she was working so she couldn’t. We’re not bad at cooking and stuff but we’re not the greatest but we did good and we didn’t have to worry about Da so it was nice. It was safe. Things with Da are…he’s not a good person.” I answered.

  
“Why do you think you’re Da isn’t a good person did you ever see him hit your mom? Did he ever hit you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah. I saw him hurt her. He hit me a couple of times but, mostly it was other things,” I said.

  
“What other things?” He prompted me.

  
I shook my head, “I don’t …”

  
“Want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’re holding onto you shouldn’t have to deal with alone John. Do you think maybe that’s why you tried to kill yourself? Because there are things you need to talk about that you feel like you can’t share with anyone?” He asked me.

  
“I just wanted a break,” I said not looking at him, “I just needed to breathe.”

  
“You feel like you can’t breathe?” He asked me.

  
“Sometimes, it’s like it never goes away I can always feel it it’s… And people says he’s not like the others that he’s different and I know that. I know it’s true I just… I feel like I can’t breathe between him and everyone else I feel like I’m drowning,” I answered bring my hand up to my mouth and pulling my knees into my chest, “I just needed a break.”

  
“From what?” Mr. Tony prompted me again.

  
“You, know why so many of us are here surely?” Dom said interrupting our talk. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what he’s saying you’ve heard it often enough. I don’t know if you realize you work for them or not but the fact that you don’t hate your Dad tells me you either do and you decided this isn’t a pick-up spot for you or you like to turn the other cheek and pretend it’s not happening.”

  
“We’re not here to talk about me, I’m talking about John. And yes, I get what he’s getting at but he needs to say it,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“He’s not going to say it if he’s not ready to. You know that. Don’t force him to say it that’s just cruel,” Dom said.

  
“Dom that’s enough if you don’t go and sit down and watch TV I will put you in isolation understand?” Mr. tony warned which made Dom shake his head and look at me sadly as if to say he was sorry. I felt thankful that he had tried to protect me and he walked away to sit down.

  
“What did you need a break from?” Mr. Tony asked me again.

  
“Them. I couldn’t deal with them anymore. It was all the time, ever since mum brought us back. I know I told them I’d try to be ok but, I couldn’t. I just needed a break if only for a second. I know what I am, I do. I accept it but, this isn’t fair it’s not fair that…he won’t even let me eat normal, food like everyone else anymore,” I said before I covered my mouth with my hand realizing what I was admitting to. That I was letting this guy know these things that were going to get him killed.

  
“John, you’re ok no one can hurt you here,” He answered.

  
“Yeah, they can,” I answered, “It’s not me I’m worried about though.”

  
“Me?” He asked me.

  
“Fuck yeah you,” Burgess said from where he was sitting in a chair in the corner.

  
“Guys, listen to me closely whatever this is I’m here to help you. I won’t talk about me but you’re safe here,” Mr. Tony insisted.

  
So, he really didn’t know. He didn’t know about Sam and Neal or he didn’t want to believe it. I sighed I wasn’t going to say anything else to this guy. I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to know what it felt like. What their hands felt like on my skin. I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t keep my body from giving them what they wanted. I didn’t want to talk about it.

  
“Would you believe us if we all told you the same thing?” Dom asked him.

  
“If someone would actually say it, maybe I would but all you guys do is talk around it in front of me like you think I don’t understand what you’re saying indirectly. I understand but I’m not going to confront all of you and maybe I should,” Mr. tony said, “Maybe it’s time someone else besides Josh was honest around here.”

  
“John, I’m sorry,” Dom said looking at me before he grabbed something beside him and a crayon and wrote something on a piece of paper and walked to Mr. Tony handing it to him, “Go here, you’ll see everything. You’ll get it by just going there to that website.”

  
“Ok,” Mr. Tony sighed, “we actually have a computer in the back office. I’ll take a look stay here I’ll be back.” He said before he walked away quickly. And into the back behind the desk.

  
“What’s on the website?” I asked confused.

  
“My pops showed it to me and asked me some questions about what he saw, if I knew anything about it,” Dom answered, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to but it’s the only way he’ll know ok?”

  
“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry? What’s on the web…,” I stopped as I realized why he kept saying it. Why he seemed to mean it so whole heartedly. I felt my eyes getting wet as I started to shiver, “That’s how he…no.”

  
“John,” Dom said.

  
“NO! I don’t want him to see that no Dom please why did you do that why?” I asked him starting to cry.

  
“Dom what did you do?” Burgess asked.

  
“John, come here please,” Dom said holding out his arms to me as I buried my face in my knees trying to calm myself down, trying to slow my heart beat. When I didn’t move, he came over to me and hugged me.

  
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t want him to see that, I’m so so sorry but it’s one way that none of us have to explain anything. I swear to you ok?” Dom said.

  
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he bent over to hug me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe but like he was the only thing allowing me to live, giving me something to hold onto like I would have done if Pat had been there. I didn’t want to think of what Tony was seeing. How he was probably seeing the same thing my mum had seen that had made her start to go mad that Matty had seen and Leo and Sam and who the hell knew who else?”

  
“It’s their site, isn’t it?” Burgess asked, “You know what’s on that damned thing? It’s not just him. It’s anyone they’ve ever filmed.”

  
“He’s easy to find though,” Dom answered, “He’s as easy to find as I am.”

  
“Because of the way they have things labeled? You think he’s going to understand those labels?” Burgess asked.

  
“All he has to do is find the word redheads and click on it and we’re right there both of us along with five other guys. Pictures and video ok, so don’t. If I could have shown myself without showing John’s too I would have but I can’t it’s not possible and John has more videos, then I do believe it or not.” Dom answered.

  
We turned as we heard a loud bang coming from across the lobby and saw Tony looking sheepish and apologizing to someone behind the desk who was giving him a dirty look as he looked like he was trying to keep his calm. His eyes were wide and looked scared like he was shaking but trying to hide it. He came into the day room and shut the door behind him.

  
“So, it’s not just one person?” He asked.

  
“No,” Dom answered him, “It’s just about anyone. You know how when you did my body search you asked me about the weird scar on my hip? We all have it. It’s sort of like a cult where they…it sucks.”

  
“So, those videos were real?” He asked and I could feel his eyes as me as I squeezed my eyes shut tight and buried my head in Dom’s shoulder just trying not to scream, not to freak out.

  
“Yeah,” Dom answered patting my back lightly.

  
“All of them even the one with the …,” He started to ask but Dom cut him off.

  
“They’re all real trust me, does it look like they’re not real to you?” Dom asked him.

  
Mr. Tony sighed heavily and I heard him pull a chair out from around the table, “Ok. You know there isn’t supposed to be physical contact Dom.”

  
“He needed a hug. Wouldn’t you?” Dom asked him.

  
“Yes, but you need to let him go now,” Mr. Tony said as Dom let go of me and sat down in the chair next to me.

  
“You ok John?” Mr. Tony asked me and I didn’t open my eyes but I nodded my head. My heart having finally slowed as I opened my eyes and looked at him. I could see his pity there how sorry he felt for me, for all of us. He looked at me and sighed.  
“In my time, they didn’t have the internet or videos like they do now. They weren’t nearly as organized. I never dealt with that many of them at once,” Mr. Tony said, “I knew we were getting some people here some of their victims but I didn’t know it was all of you. That’s why your mum took you and left? Took you and your siblings?”

  
I nodded my head still not sure I was ready to speak. Still not sure what he knew, “Can we talk somewhere private?” I asked him more because I didn’t want Burgess to hear what I was going to say about my Da if I did tell him anything.  
“Yeah sure,” Mr. Tony said standing up, “Come on follow me,” He said as he walked behind the desk and into a back hallway I had never been in before and opened a door, “I know there’s not a lot of places to sit just the floor but, it’s private.”


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly John talking to people in the hospital learning more about the brotherhood. Some rape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 204 to 223, still many miles to go I know it's getting repetitive at least I feel it is. Someone else said it was too. Let me know what you think warnings: Rape/non-con, fighting, swearing, mental hospital, mental health issues.

I looked into the room and saw he was right, the room had padded white walls and the floor was the same with nothing else but a small bathroom in the corner. I sighed, this made me nervous. I didn’t like this room.  
“What is this?” I asked confused.

  
“It’s an isolation room, you’re ok though you’re not in trouble. I promise. I just don’t have any other place that private. Is there anywhere you want to start?” He asked me.

  
“She took us away because last year. My brothers and I we left boarding school and came here back to the states. She was pregnant so she didn’t come with us at first. He, my Da I knew something was off when we got on the plane, that it wasn’t right that he was more like…he wasn’t always bad you have to understand that. He used to take us to the zoo on the weekends away from school and to museum’s. We used to go to the park and have picnics and we were happy almost normal but at night he…he wasn’t very nice.” I said.

“What do you mean by that?” Mr. Tony asked me softly.

  
I swallowed the lump in my throat staring at the corner of the wall, “When mum fell asleep he’d climb into bed with me. He’d do things to me but it wasn’t like that every weekend just sometimes. But on the plane, I knew. I knew that he wasn’t my happy good Da anymore that he was the one who came to me at night sometimes. He when we got back here, he made me share a bed with him and he promised he wouldn’t let my uncle hurt my brothers. He did a lot of stuff to me and he let his friends do things and my uncle and I started drinking just so I didn’t have to feel anymore. and when my mum came back and she found out how bad it was she tried to take us and leave but one of his friends found us and took us back home. So, she started planning to try again. She kept telling me to hold on that she was going to get us away that I would be ok that we would be safe and we did it took a while but we got away again. And we were gone and in Montana and I was going to therapy and stuff all of us were. He wasn’t, he wasn’t there we didn’t have to worry I could be normal almost I had a girlfriend I was …working towards feeling comfortable in my body like it was really mine and not his and then a PI came. One he hired. I felt like I was dying,” I paused trying to hold back my tears, “I knew we had to go back and we did. I’ve been his ever since. Every night. There’s this guy that he took me once I thought he was never going to bring me back. He said he was going to give me to him for the weekend and I couldn’t…I can’t…. they I can’t. I know I promised them, my brother and Pat that I would try but …”

  
“You’re really afraid of him? The guy your Dad wanted to have you spend the weekend with?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Yeah, I can’t deal with both of them,” I answered, “I can’t deal with both my Da and him I just can’t.”

  
“What is your Dad like?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“I…,” I paused trying to think of what I should say, what was ok to say. How did I explain that I knew he didn’t see me the way he should? How could I explain that even though he wasn’t hurting me he was hurting me? Most people thought of rape as this violent and brutal act of violation but did it really count as rape when you laid down and closed your eyes as they pressed against you and made you squirm because you didn’t want it but it felt good? Could it really be rape if you consented no matter how consent was attained?

  
“Take your time anything you say to me I won’t tell anyone I promise,” He said seeing that I was struggling.

  
“It’s hard to explain,” I answered slowly.

  
“That’s ok take your time,” Mr. Tony repeated.

  
“He doesn’t hit me that often he just… I mean I don’t want to, but I can’t…I say no he hits me and it hurts or he goes and he gets someone else and does things to them instead and I can’t…I can’t let him. I can’t let him do that,” I managed to say.

  
“You’re saying that he makes you spent the night with him? He makes you have sex with him? If you don’t if you even just tell him no he threatens to hurt someone else your siblings?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said no longer able to hold back the tears, “But he doesn’t always tie me down sometimes I just let him.”

  
“Ok,” Mr. Tony said quietly sitting up straighter, “That’s still force. He’s making you think you have a choice but he’s not giving you one; not really. He’s asking you to choose between protecting yourself and protecting your siblings that’s not really a choice at all. That’s like asking someone if they want to be stabbed in the foot or the hand John. That’s not a real choice. He wants you to feel guilty about it, he wants you to think you’re choosing it. You’re not, he’s making you.”

  
“But he’s not and it…,” I stopped I didn’t know how to explain it.

  
“Listen to me very carefully ok? He’s not giving you a choice it doesn’t matter if he’s holding you down and hurting you or not he’s not giving you a real choice. It doesn’t matter how your body responds it’s not a real choice,” Mr. Tony said, “Forcing you to feel so trapped you take a razor to your wrists so you bleed out is not giving you a choice.”

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head, “Ok.”

  
“Is that why you wanted to talk alone because you were afraid of what someone would think when they heard he doesn’t always tie you down?” he asked me and I nodded my head he sighed, “He’s using his words to hold you down and words can be just as powerful as any hit or hand cuff you’re not getting a choice, you’re lack of a no or relenting when he threatens someone else so he doesn’t hurt them isn’t you giving him a yes.”

  
“He says it is,” I answered after a minute.

  
“He’s lying to you because he wants you to feel guilty, he wants to take all of the bad feelings he should be having about what he’s doing and he’s putting them on you. Has he ever told you it’s because you’re so attractive? That if you weren’t maybe things would be different? That there’s nothing wrong with it? Any of those things ring a bell?” He asked me.

  
I just nodded my head in response my eyes still on the corner of the wall. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Because if he was lying to me I knew I would see it in his eyes and I couldn’t stand knowing he was lying just to make me feel better. I couldn’t stand seeing the pity there if he was telling the truth either so I just didn’t look at him.

  
“That’s him lying so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it, so you can feel guilty about it. Somewhere he knows it’s wrong but he can’t stop himself because he’s a sick twisted person who gets off on hurting everyone around him especially you. None of what he does is your fault no matter what he tells you,” Mr. Tony said, “Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like it’s your fault,” He said and I heard his voice break.

  
I knew he was trying not to cry himself as I sat there starting to calm down, starting to feel like I could breathe again for the first time since Pat had walked out of the house on Thursday night. He waited for a while longer allowing a type of comfortable silence to fall into the room and cover the air. Allow it to wrap itself around us like a blanket of protection.

  
“You think you’re ok?” He asked me after a minute.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok it’s just…it’s not fair,” I answered still not looking at him.

  
“No, it’s not, let’s go back to the day room. It should be just about time for Social issues group I think we’re having it with the girls tonight,” Mr. Tony said standing up and looking at me offering me a hand slowly to help me up off the ground, “You can use the bathroom beforehand, rinse your face off you’re a little …”

  
“Swollen from crying?” I asked and he nodded his head looking at me, “I don’t cry that often but when I do it makes me look like a strawberry, my face goes all red and blotchy and my nose gets runny and it’s gross. Not that he ever complains,” I said smiling a little before I could stop myself thinking of Pat of how he always held me while I screamed and sobbed into his chest or shoulder whenever I needed him. Thinking of how much I wished he was with me.

  
“Him? I take it you’re not talking about your dad?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
I sighed realizing what I had said, “A friend.”

  
“Ah,” Mr. Tony said knowingly, “Well, we can talk about that different time if you like. He sounds like a good friend let’s go.” He said opening up the door to the silent room as we stepped back out in the hallway and went back around the desk to the day room where I turned to go down the hallway to use the bathroom.

  
I looked in the mirror and I was right, my face was a mess so I turned on the cold water allowing it to run into my hands and then splashing it a couple times onto my face and rubbing it in vigorously until my skin was no longer red and blotchy but white even though my eyes were still slightly puffy and blood shot. I sighed. I could do this. I felt better like I could handle this like I wasn’t crazy or dirty but just desperate. Like I was finally getting the air I so urgently needed in order to feel alive even if it wasn’t a permanent fix to my problem.

  
Once I figured I looked good enough to go back out to the day room I walked back down the hall to find everyone using phones a line up against the hallway and Dom looked at me closely, “You ok?” He asked me putting his hand over the receiver part of the phone.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m ok I was just… you know,” I said.

  
“Come here,” Dom said waving me over and handing me the phone.

  
“What?” I asked confused until I heard his voice making my heart stop.

  
“Rabbit? Is that you?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yes, oh my god yes, it’s me,” I said almost crying again.

  
“Are you ok? What are you doing there what happened? Will said you did something but I didn’t, why? Are you, all right? What’s it like there are things ok?” He asked me all at once.

  
“Huh, yeah it was…tell Will I told him he could tell you everything. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t deal with all of them at once I know I promised I’d try and I did I really did Pat you have to understand it’s not…it wasn’t because of anything with you,” I said.

  
“I know it’s not because of me. I came to see you Saturday and your Dad wouldn’t let me but apparently told Will I stopped by and Will called me. He told me that he found you in the bath tub and that you were in a coma. Can I ask why?” He asked me.  
“He was going to send me to him. And I couldn’t Pat, not after everything else. I just remember thinking it would better to be gone then be with him. I’m sorry but I couldn’t not with Da too and he was…Thursday was hard,” I said trying to stay calm trying not to worry about how much he probably hated me for trying to leave him.

  
“Will told me, about what he did. About Thursday. I don’t blame you Rabbit. Are you ok though? What about staff?” Pat asked quietly.

  
“I think I’m ok. Staff is…I don’t know. There’s this one guy he’s…he said somethings that I’m sure he’s going to follow through on and I’m scared of it but otherwise I think I’ll be ok,” I answered.

  
“Neal?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered honestly.

  
“I remember him he’s a real asshole. Don’t let him know anything he’ll use it against you. If you can avoid it don’t be alone with him ok Rabbit?” Pat urged me.

  
“It’s too late and you know how easy it is to read my face even when I try to hide things,” I answered. Thinking of what Neal knew. The things that I hadn’t told him the things my silence had revealed to him.

  
“Shit, just try to not be alone with him please, behave don’t give them any reason to put you in isolation ok trust me that’s not somewhere you want to go not if Nate is still working there,” Pat warned me.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “It’s amazing to hear you. He doesn’t want me to see you, to talk to you.”

  
“Yeah that’s what I gathered from talking to him. He’s pissed. He asked me straight out and of course I denied it. Kept insisting we’re just friends but he knows Rabbit. He knows so we have to be careful ok?” Pat said.

  
“As long as we don’t confirm it he doesn’t have to tell. As long as we don’t let him know there’s anything there that we’re acting on we’re safe,” I said.

  
“I know. Not being able to see you is hard though especially right now.” He sighed heavily.

  
“I keep wishing I could see you but, he contracted me you know? Weekends with…well,” I trailed off.

  
“NO! FUCK!” Pat yelled hurting my ear as I pulled the phone away and he kept swearing, “Are you fucking kidding what the fuck is that? That’s fucking psycho he knows how you fucking feel about that fucking shit packing cock sucking asshole eating cunt bucket what the fuck? No!” He swore into the phone as Troy frowned at me from the phone next to me and I smiled awkwardly.

  
“I…there’s nothing I can do it’s already done,” I answered, “So I’m breathing. I’m here I’m going to get through this and then I’m going to deal with it.”

  
“You shouldn’t have to. This is my fault,” Pat sighed, “If I wouldn’t have said anything none of this would have happened. The beating what they did, Leo none of it. I should be where you are not you.”

  
“No please don’t say that. You don’t need to be here. It was my mistake getting myself sent here. Nothing you did made it happen it was them. I just needed to breathe and here even with Nate the idea of him and what I know he’s going to do I feel like I’m actually breathing. As much as it hurts to breathe without you,” I said as I felt that lump return to my throat.

  
“God, I love you. I’m sorry I’m sorry I can’t fix this for you,” Pat said I heard the tears in his voice.

  
“I love you too, I’m sorry I did this to you,” I answered.

  
“I’ll call you both later can you give the phone back to Dom?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Dom?” I asked as he stood back away by the desk and held the phone up towards him.  
“Yeah, I got it,” He said coming up and grabbing it from me, “Hey it’s me.”

  
I sighed walking away. I knew why he had called him. Why he had let me talk to him and I silently thanked him for it. He had known I needed him without me ever saying anything about it. He knew us and he knew I needed him like I needed that hug earlier after he had let me know about the website. After he had begged for my forgiveness. I went and sat down in the day room and waited for group to start.

  
After a few minutes, Troy sat down next to me, “Someone was upset,” He said looking at me.

  
“Huh yeah it’s…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“He was upset in a colorful way your brother?” He questioned.

  
“A friend,” I answered.

  
“A friend you love like a brother?” He asked.

  
I sighed heavily, “Why?”

  
“Well, he didn’t sound old enough to be an uncle or anything and I know who your Uncle is so…I’m assuming you either love him like a brother or…because you know it’s been known to happen however I’d be very careful about that if I were you,” Troy warned me.

  
“Yeah, I know are you going to tell Sam or Neal?” I asked him.

  
“No,” Troy said, “Considering you’re untouchable I have a feeling with Neal you will have your hands full so I wouldn’t do that to you and whoever you were on the phone with. I know I’m younger than everyone else but I’m not stupid you know?”

  
“I have a brother your age. His name is Will he’s a good guy. Don’t worry about your age we know you’re not stupid if anyone cared to remember five years ago, or less they would realize you’re not any different than us.” I answered.

  
“I’m a little different I mean you’re untouchable I’m a one I don’t have a family I just have…me,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Yeah Eric said something about having 8 dads, they move you around?” I asked.

  
“Yeah our adoptions aren’t real they just kind of pass us around like we’re dogs in a commune or something I guess? We’re permanent contracts just about, someone buys our contract we go with them. I was six. My mum died I think. It’s hard to remember. I remember a lot of crack pipes I once stepped on one and it broke and the glass got stuck in my foot. That’s about the most I remember about her though. Is that weird?” Troy asked me.

  
“Probably not, I mean if things were not good you might have just blocked a lot of it out and that doesn’t sound that great,” I answered.

  
“I remember her face, she had dark eyes her hair was always long and greasy, dirty. I don’t know I don’t remember what she sounded like though,” Troy said.

  
“I’m sorry. A lot of us apparently don’t have mums,” I answered.

  
“Yeah, I don’t know she might have sold me,” He said suddenly causing me to look at him more closely, “Well you if you think about it, a drug addict as bad as she was it’s possible, right? I mean someone offered the right price and she just…decided they would make a better parent then her so there you go I guess.”

  
“You really think she sold you?” I asked him seriously, “You just said you didn’t remember her like hardly at all.”

  
“I don’t but from what I do remember about her I wouldn’t put it past her,” Troy answered.

  
“My mum tried to keep us safe, she did she didn’t just roll over and take it she tried to get us out. We were gone for like 7 months away from them, my Uncle and my Da and we were starting to get better, to do ok,” I said.

  
“He was hurting all of you?” Troy asked, “Your brother Will and you and your mum?”

  
“I have 11 siblings. It wasn’t everyone but everyone over the age of like 4. He had started touching my little sister and I think that to my mum was the last draw. After that she when she really started saying she was going to get us out. After that and James,” I said.

  
“One of your brothers?” Troy asked.

  
“Yeah he’s seven now. Lord you know him, right?” I asked and Troy nodded his head, “He came to Christmas and Da gave him time with James as a gift. If I could have I would have killed them both. He’s still so little and he was in so much pain he couldn’t even cry just whimper and say “it hurts it hurts” after they were…finished. It made me so angry I couldn’t do anything to help him. To make it go away to make him not feel that because I remember. I still remember that how bad that felt that first…” I shook my head trying to shake away my anger.

  
“You were with him?” He asked me frowning.

  
“I was. Have you heard rumors about my uncle? About his dungeons?” I asked Troy.

  
“Yeah that’s true?” He asked me.

  
“He lives with us, my family and yeah they lock us down there for days sometimes. Usually it’s just me but sometimes it’s with other people. Pat and Cole. Will has been down there, my other brothers Mike and Matt. Everyone else under James is too young I guess? I don’t know. But yeah, it’s true. That’s all the use them for its… whenever I see the door to the basement open my heart stops.” I said.

  
“That really sucks are they like nice at least?” Ron asked me looking at me and I realized a couple people were listening in.

  
“You mean like a finished basement? Yeah. I’ve heard that after coming here so many times they lock you somewhere gross and dirty like just with a mattress and a hole in the floor type of deal,” I said.

  
“Sounds like my room,” Ron said shrugging, “It’s not horrible I’ve seen them keep guys in dog crates before so it’s whatever but yeah. You’ve never tried to kill yourself before?”

  
“No,” I said.

  
“Don’t try again. After the first time, they only send you here if you were put in the ER. If it’s considered not serious they’ll take you to the Villa and have people bid on you. What they should do with you it’s… well I’m sure you’ve been to the Villa. I’m sure you remember what it’s like but yeah, your punishment is usually getting underpinned is what they call it. They take you away from your home your handler and do things to break you. They beat you and starve you don’t let you have clothes that sort of thing.” Ron said, “Just don’t do it again.”

  
“I won’t,” I answered, “I’m afraid of what I’m going to go home to honestly.”

  
“With your uncle, you should be,” Tyler said.

  
“Nice Tyler,” Dillon snorted, “Scare the fuck out of him.”

  
“I’m just saying,” Tyler said, “With his uncle he should be weary especially with all his little brothers and sisters at home. He knows what he’s doing them right now.”

  
“Don’t remind him Tyler,” Dom said and then muttered something in Russian under his breath.

  
Just then Mr. Tony came back into the room and sighed looking at us, “Ok we have social issues with the girl tonight so Sam is going to be leading. He’ll be here in a second. You know the rules make sure all talk is relevant to the group topic. If it’s not a part of the group topic or discussion don’t say it. If you don’t want the group to hear it don’t say it. I’m going to open the door just file into the room and find a seat and have fun.”

  
He went out into the main foyer area and opened the door that was in-between the two different sets of phones and unlocked it opening it and allowing us to walk through to the girl’s side. We walked into their day room which while it looked smaller from out in the hallway was actually bigger the windows on the one side open to a back area that looked like a playground of some kind that was in closed. It made me wonder if we would end up going outside at some point while I was here being that it was usually warm outside and fresh air never hurt anyone. I sat down between Dom and Tyler in on corner of the room and someone started passing papers out and then Sam started to speak.

  
“Ok boys this is Hannah she’s going to help us run group today she’s the girls staff. Today we’re talking about Eating disorders if you haven’t looked at your papers yet who can tell me something about eating disorders?” He asked.

  
“Yes Tessa?” Hannah said to a blond girl who raised her hand.

  
“Mostly girls suffer from eating disorders and there’s one where you don’t eat and one where you throw everything up. The media helps promote unhealthy and unrealistic ideas that has caused an increase in eating disorders and most people that have them are underweight.”

  
“Ok yes and no look at your sheets,” Hannah said as everyone looked at their sheet in front of them, “What you are talking about first is mostly yes girls suffer from eating disorders however there are many boys who suffer from eating disorders as well…” As Hannah said that all of the guys looked a Burgess and he just shrugged his shoulder and shifted in his seat, “And the one where you don’t eat is called anorexia and the one where you throw up or purge all your food is called bulimia. Actually, you can have an eating disorder at any weight and there are other eating disorders like Pica where a person eats objects that aren’t food or Binge Eating problems where they eat too much and turn to food in order to help them relieve depression and anxiety.”

  
“Is this true 20% of people with anorexia will die from the illness or complications related to it?” Some girl in the room asked.

  
“Yes, a lot of people think it’s about not wanting to eat that’s not what it’s about it’s about control. You feel you lack control so you control what goes into your body whether that’s through eating too much or too little. Some people do it because of body image issues yeah but a lot of the time it stems from other mental health issues,” Hannah said.

  
“This however sometimes comes with physical side effects, losing muscle mass and fat can cause heart damage, you can grow fine hair on your body to try and help you stay warmer you can develop teeth and gum problems you brain can even start shrinking.” Sam said.

  
“You don’t have to be horribly underweight to have an eating disorder a lot people who throw up their food are average weight or overweight and you can be of average weight and still starve yourself it just depends on your body type. You can suffer from disordered eating and not have an eating disorder.” Hannah said.

  
“So, does anyone want to talk about their personal experience with an eating disorder?" Sam said looking around the room.

  
“It sucks,” Tessa replied, “The media doesn’t help. I feel like if I’m not skinny I’m not worth anything. that I’m not worth loving or caring about in any way. I know not eating doesn’t help me, at least not health wise but it makes me feel like I can do anything, like I’m worth caring about”

  
“For me it’s not that I don’t want to,” I found myself saying before I could stop myself, “It’s not. it doesn’t feel worth it. Almost like it doesn’t really matter and maybe if I don’t eat…” I trailed off not wanting to fill in the rest not wanting to tell anyone what it meant to me. That if I didn’t eat and I was ugly maybe they would just stop and leave me alone. Maybe he wouldn’t think I was attractive enough to be worth torturing.

  
“Maybe if you don’t eat what John? What’s going to happen? it’s ok no one is judging you,” Hannah said trying to encourage me to talk some more.

  
“Maybe if he doesn’t eat he’ll be prefect,” a very thin girl answered quietly. I remember her eyes the most, how sad they seemed; how nearly empty the hazel seeming almost like it was covered in something cloudy her lips pale and dried and chapped her hair short and dull but having the look like it had once been a beautiful glowing chestnut. I just nodded my head and I knew what she was saying, that she was saying what I meant. that I would prefect enough they couldn’t hurt me, they wouldn’t want to.

  
“Is that what you are thinking John?” Hannah asked me.

  
I nodded my head running a hand through my hair nervously. I felt like I had almost given away something but I had also learned something. That my hate was causing me to risk my health. That if I wasn’t careful I ran the risk of really dying not that the idea seemed so bad but maybe that was why I couldn’t fight back like I was supposed to. Maybe it was because I didn’t eat enough? I thought about it carefully and decided that I needed to try and eat more when I got home. That I needed to try and get stronger physically if I was ever going to stand a chance against them.

  
“Ok what are some better ways to cope with our feelings other than by eating too much or too little?” Sam asked.

  
“Drawing, taking up sports, listening to music, writing, painting, reading can help too, talking to people when you’re stressed, other hobbies,” Burgess answered.

  
“Very good Burgess if you know this why don’t you use some of them?” Sam replied making Burgess’ eyes go wide in surprise as everyone turned to look at him.

  
“I thought you weren’t allowed to let other people know things about me?” Burgess asked.

  
“Come on B everyone knows you have one,” Sam said and I saw Burgess’ face go pale.

  
I looked at Dom who leaned close to me, “It’s a trigger for him so is his first name.”

  
“Can I use the rest room?” Burgess asked shifting uneasily in his seat and I saw Sam’s eyes flash in that way that made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew he was doing this to torture him, doing it on purpose to give him a reason to be uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t stand watching it.

  
“Don’t pick on him,” I muttered.

  
“What?” Sam asked me and a bunch of people shifted looking at me.

  
“Don’t pick on him that’s not fair,” I answered, “That’s bullshit and you know it.” I said before I realized I had sworn at him.

  
“Come now!” Sam said glaring at me pointing at the door, “We don’t speak that way here.”

  
I swallowed and got up knowing I was in trouble but not sure how much trouble I was really in. I sighed and got up shifting from the chair a spark of pain shooting up my spine as I stood up and walked out into the hall way with Sam glaring at me. He opened the door to take me behind the desk where I had been with Tony and I knew I was going to isolation which was some place I didn’t want to go with Sam. When we got back to the room he unlocked the door using a key he pulled from his pocket and pointed to the interior of the room with his finger which I entered and he entered behind me shutting the door with a loud bang making me flinch.

  
“You don’t swear out there Johnny,” He said before I could turn around to face him, “Yeah I talked to your Dad and Uncle came up with a plan on how to best fix this problem. Apparently nice and slow is the way to go? At least according to your Dad. should we try it out and see what happens?” He asked me coming up really close behind me and starting to rub my shoulders.

  
All of this just for swearing? My fucking god how on earth was I going to deal with this? I couldn’t deal with all of them treating me that way the pain it caused me worse than any punch or scratch they could ever leave on my skin. I wasn’t going to give into him without a fight no matter what he did or said he couldn’t hurt anyone but me here. I shrugged my shoulders hard pulling forward away from him before I turned to face him.

  
“No,” I said firmly shaking my head making my stance adamantly. I didn’t want this and I wanted him to know I wasn’t going to give in.

  
“No?” He hissed, “Will you be saying that later when it’s not you but someone else? Maybe Burgess because that’s who I really wanted because he’s got a tight little ass for a one and he’s docile. Or what about Dominic? Your friends, right? How do you think he would like it me sucking his dick?

  
I sighed and stomped my foot hard against the padded floor I didn’t want this. Was I really that easy to read? Why did I have to fucking care so much? Why did other people’s wellbeing have to matter to me so much that them just saying that one sentence would cause me to submit. I hated that they knew that about me and that they constantly used it and I hated that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way. From feeling like they were more important than I was.  
“Come on beautiful it’s been a while since I’ve been with a five,” He said walking towards me again causing me to take a couple steps backwards until I was up against one of the padded walls as he kept coming at me pressing hard against me making me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head forcefully as his hands started pulling at the hem of my shirt trying to pull it up and off of my body the fabric feeling weird and scratchy as it rubbed against my skin as I tried to keep it down, “No!” I said forcefully as he stepped back giving me space giving me a second to think.

  
“I can always sedate you,” He said looking at me closely, “You ever had sex so drugged you can remember it but when it’s happening you can’t stop it? It’s great fun. I think you’ll enjoy it even more than just laying there and letting it happen. At least then you’re making a choice, then you have some control the way I’ll do it if you want to fight me on it…that will make you feel like shit.”

  
I swallowed thinking about what he was saying. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to lay back and let him touch me. Let his hands be on my skin. I didn’t want to have sex with Sam not the same way I did with Da. Not the same way I did with Leo that’s why I was here because I couldn’t stand the fact that they couldn’t make it hurt that they wanted to be gentle to make it feel like it was something I was choosing.

  
“You want a chance than just do it beautiful,” Sam said lifting his shirt up surprising me. He had oddly toned Ab’s like I had never seen before not that my Da wasn’t fit because he was but just how defined his torso was, “I’ll make you feel good.”  
“Please?” I begged. I didn’t want to do this. I felt like I didn’t have a choice like Mr. Tony had said it wasn’t a real one. I took a deep breath knowing he was going to do it anyway. Trying to focus on that, that it wasn’t a real choice that I was being forced to as he walked up to me and pulled my shirt off before he roughly forced his tongue in my mouth making me tense.

  
I’m not choosing this. I kept thinking as his hands started wandering rubbing my back and shoulders, stopping on the small of my back as his tongue left my mouth and started kissing down my throat towards my chest. I’m not choosing this. I kept thinking over and over as he pulled at my pants the snaps releasing as he pulled them off of me and started pulling me down to the floor. I’m not choosing this. I thought as his kisses trailed down my torso and he took me in his mouth trying to take deep breaths trying to breathe trying to stay calm and not cry or scream.

  
I closed my eyes trying to allow my brain to drift away, away to something else and then he lifted my legs up before I climaxed his tongue going into my ass making me gasp loudly and I felt him laugh against my skin, “Feels good?” he asked before he started doing it again. Bringing me to climax.

  
At that I started crying. I knew I was crying and I couldn’t stop myself. I wasn’t choosing this. I didn’t want this; I didn’t want my body to feel like this. I didn’t want him to know my body liked this.

  
I was tired and I hated myself and I wanted to scream and plead with him and I knew I couldn’t. That I wasn’t allowed to. That I was stuck here in this padded cell of a room with him touching me his tongue on me making me squirm making me feel like I couldn’t breathe and yet none of it mattered. My feelings, what I wanted didn’t matter.

  
I hated the realization. That I was supposed to suck it up and let it happen just lay there allow my body to feel that way. Just like with Da, with Leo and with Neal because I knew he was going to do the same thing. I hated not being a person and being a thing. Being a toy to them, all of them. Everyone single fucking one of them who had ever seen me in one of those videos or pictures on that website. I wasn’t a person, I was an object.

  
I don’t remember him using a condom but he probably did because when he was ready it didn’t hurt. He gave my body time to adjust to his intrusion he was slow my body responding the way he wanted it to. Another piece of my soul dying as my eyes fluttered and I tried to keep my moans and whimpers to myself and sometimes failed. I felt done. I was just done.

  
When he was finished, he didn’t say anything. He got up and put his clothes on and left me there in the dark naked staring at the ceiling. Staring at a poster that looked like the sky as the sun outside began to set through the tiny window that was too high for me to see out of. It looked like there was a bird on it but I couldn’t read what it said.

  
He just left me there. After 15 or 20 minutes, I managed to put my clothes on. Not worried about showering or splashing water on my face because I too tired and too wholly broken to care. I curled myself into a ball and went to sleep. Not really worried about the last group of the day or going to bed figuring they would keep me there so Neal could come by later, so he could use me like they all used me.

  
I fell asleep and was woken up at some point later. Hannah, the girls orderly waking me up, “Come on its bed time,” she said, “you ok?” She asked me the room dark as I stood up slowly making sure my pants were done up.

  
“Yeah,” I answered simply not wanting to talk. Knowing it wasn’t worth it, that it didn’t matter.

  
“Ok, go to your room, unless of course you want to shower then you can shower in here,” she said pointing to the bathroom behind me in the corner casually.

  
“No, I’m all right I’m just tired,” I sighed as she moved allowing me to leave the room.

  
“You can’t swear here. I don’t know what you’re used to at home but here that language isn’t allowed you understand, right?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m sorry I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” I answered as I walked into the hallway.

  
“Are you sure you’re ok? You look really tired and upset,” she questioned me.

  
“Yeah, just need more sleep I guess,” I answered as she opened the door allowing me back onto the boy’s side of the unit and I walked down the hall by myself to my room where Dom already was.

  
When he heard me come in he looked up from where he was sitting on his bed, “Sam?” He asked me looking at me closely making me feel almost like I was being attacked. Like he was waiting for an answer that I didn’t want to give.

  
“Could we just not?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“You think you’re going to be out of here in time for school to start?” Dom asked me looking for another subject.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I don’t know if I’m looking forward to going back to school.”

  
“Really? You’re not supposed to see him outside of school at school might be the only time you get to spend any time with him,” Dom said, “He told me to keep an eye on you, you know that? He really loves you. Like I’ve never seen him care about anyone this much not since his little brother. Charlie. I knew Charlie you know?”

  
“No, I didn’t know. What was he like?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know he was a kid, he liked Pokémon cards. Hot wheels. He used to spend just hours bugging us to play with his hot wheels and those tracks for them you know? He was a happy kid despite everything like when it wasn’t happening it didn’t exist, it wasn’t a problem. Pat’s always been darker, more aware but he tried so hard to hold it back for Charlie. So, he could allow Charlie to pretend things were ok. I don’t know, it wasn’t until Charlie was like 6 a couple months before he died maybe that Hank…” Dom said, “He was a happy kid though.”

  
“That’s good, it’s good for someone to be happy. Jay was before…before Christmas since then he’s been quieter, less sparkle in his eyes,” I answered, “I don’t ever remember being happy I just… It was what it was you know? Even before they started really just… things I remember them saying. How I was beautiful, before I came here. That night he told me he loved me that he wished he had someone like me when he was younger.”

  
“You mean love you like romantically?” Dom asked me paying close attention to me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I can’t even imagine wanting to be with him like that. He’s my Da I can’t…it doesn’t make sense to me.”

  
“He’s sick John. He doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t see you as his son he sees you as something else. Like my pop only it’s different there because we’re not blood related. I was just a kid he adopted. So, he could use me.  
I think they both just as sick though. They shouldn’t feel that way about us. That’s why they blame us for it because they know. Him telling you you’re beautiful and honestly you are very good looking but…” Dom smiled and laughed a little under his breath, “You’re taken and I wouldn’t even anyway unless you approached me which would probably never happen. It’s his way of blaming you of making you feel like it’s your fault. It’s not your fault it’s theirs.”

  
“Why does everyone find me attractive?” I asked, “I didn’t do anything I was just …born this way.”

  
“It’s something about you John. Your soul. You care about everyone you know so completely that it consumes you. It drives you forward. Your eyes, I can see when you’re thinking about him. It’s like this fire behind them this passion and it’s very…” Dom cleared his throat, “Sorry. I think a lot of it is in your eyes though.”

  
“I don’t want this,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to be a thing. I want to be a person. I don’t want to feel trapped.”

  
“Does Pat make you feel trapped?” Dom asked me.

  
“No, not at all he makes me feel like I can actually breathe, like I’ll be ok. Being without him feels like being without air. Like in Montana, I know I was with someone else; with Heather but it was only because I couldn’t have him. Something about her reminded me of him. I missed him so much and knowing he was stuck here while I was getting help, while I was free. I broke just thinking of him,” I answered.

  
“You’re not going to be able to see him outside of school,” Dom repeated again.

  
“I know. My Da has basically told me that much. I feel like he doesn’t want us near each other because… He doesn’t want to share me with someone I might actually have feelings for.”

  
“Yeah, he wants you to be his,” Dom said.

  
“I knew someone once. They moved away but anyway, my Pop wasn’t… he didn’t like them. His name was Max. I was 9 I think. He gave me butterflies. We never you know but…he made me feel alive like I wasn’t some toy, like my feelings actually mattered. My Pop didn’t like that. My Pop wants me to be in love with him and I know that I just…like you said with your Da. I just can’t.” Dom said, “We should go to bed.”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “He, Sam I mean he…”

  
Dom nodded his head, “I know. It’s not your fault. And if you didn’t try to stop him that’s not your fault either, it’s better that way. Here they won’t fight with you they’ll go get someone else to help restrain you, or they’ll drug you so don’t feel guilty about the fact that you just let it happen because you, just think of it like being with him ok? Remember that you don’t want it and it’s not your fault.”

  
“I hate that they know exactly how to…” Dom cut me off.

  
“I know me too, they do it to me too,” Dom said, “You know I know how bad that feels? That’s why we hardly ever talk about it other than my “bad nights” you know that’s code for he, Pop he did things to me and then he made me stay with him. Sometimes both him and Dad. You know that’s what that means. Don’t think I don’t know how bad it hurts why do you think I’m here?”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I know. Sometimes I wish they were violent. That they hurt like punched or slapped or whipped or broke a bone anything but they don’t they just…they make sure they don’t. It seems like all of them are becoming like that and now my skin won’t stop crawling knowing that’s what they want that they want to make me…” I trailed off

  
“Get off? Yeah, it’s enough to make anyone hate themselves. To make it so they know they don’t matter, that what they want doesn’t matter and that they have no right and no say in anything. Not even their own body. I fucking hate it, it makes me want to scream and boil my skin off,” Dom said.

  
“It does,” I agreed, “I…don’t know what to do about it. Some part of me thinks that if I relax into. Kind of it just let it happen it will get better but, it never does it always feels like they’re killing me a piece at a time.”

  
“Yeah,” Dom agree, “I don’t think it ever gets easier and that maybe the moment it does is the moment we should worry. Can I ask you something?”

  
“What about?” I asked confused as to what he was thinking.

  
“Well, Sam told me some stuff on the way back up from lunch he said that you were going to be thrilled with your doctor so I’m assuming it’s someone you know and he was being an asshole pretty much because that just sums up his personality do you know any of the doctors here?” Dom asked me.

  
“Only psych I’ve ever been to here was Larkin I think her first name was Susan she was nuts,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Well, maybe that was it then because there are only three doctors two are named Larkin actually she’s one of them and the other is Greg and the third Doctor is named Schwartzman, I think their first name is Leonardo or something like that.”

  
I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice on my head. I wasn’t sure it was him but it would make sense, why he was only really around in the evenings after 6 why he was always dressed nice and not wearing Jeans and t-shirt. Why he owned such a nice car. It couldn’t be. No, that wasn’t fair. Why did god hate me so much?

  
“John?” Dom questioned in the dark, “John are you ok?”

  
“I think I know him,” I said barely above a whisper as I felt my lungs reject the air around me as my heart started to race, “He’s the reason I’m here because I can’t…No this can’t be real I can’t do this, I can’t do this I can’t…”

  
Dom hurried to my side sitting on the foot of my bed, “John you have to calm down, they come in here they will put you in isolation again and they will tranq you and it won’t be pleasant. You need to try and breathe ok? Count to four while you inhale slow and then do the same while you exhale like this…” and Dom started breathing slow. I copied him and it felt like the air around me had freed up, like it was no longer so thick and toxic and my body was no longer rejecting it.

  
I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths like that until I felt like I was ok, like I could speak, “I’m contracted to him.” I managed to say before I had to start breathing like that again nice and slow to keep myself calm.

  
“Oh no,” Dom said, “Geeze are you going to be ok?”

  
I just shook my head still working on my breathing. I didn’t know what to say but, I knew this wasn’t ok. The thought of that SUV sending flashes of panic through my skull remembering what he did, the things he had said. How he had been so soft yet rough all at once. How he had allowed me to scream and plead and basically laughed as I did so. How he had told me if I fought back I would be very very sorry and how I had believed him, every word and still did.

  
“Doctor visits are only like 20 minutes that’s not a lot of time to do things to you. Maybe you’ll be ok?” Dom said hopefully grabbing my hand and allowing me to squeeze his back to try and draw some comfort and reassurance from him. Dealing with Leo was not something I wanted. Especially not here. The reason why I was here in the first place was to get away from him, to try and find some room to breathe and here I was knowing that he was my doctor that he was going to see me and probably find a way to use me.

  
“Neal make any threats?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“He got me alone during art therapy remember?” I asked him and he watched me closely his eyes studying my face to see if he could see something there, something to tell him what had happened making me sigh heavily.

  
“Usually, it’s in the morning you have to worry about him. Shower times if he’s interested in you. He doesn’t like to fight however he’s…” Dom took a deep breath, “rough I’m personally thankful for that but he got kind of tired of me last time I was here so I haven’t had any problems with him this time. Sam is into just about anyone that walks through the door though.”

  
“He was but he said…” I shook my head not wanting to talk about it anymore the way our Da’s treated us. How we were supposed to like it. How we were supposed to accept it because it didn’t “hurt” in the conventional sense.

  
“That’s what your limp was?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head, “I’m sorry. Really I am.”

  
“Well, Pat did warn me that their goal was to try and make sure you never tried to kill yourself again and let me tell you it’s working,” I said looking at Dom, “I think we should try to sleep now.”

  
“Yeah,” Dom said, “Tomorrow is Tuesday so you’ll meet Levi and Gavin. They aren’t so bad they are more into self-fulfillment so it’s not too bad they just…Yeah anyway.”

  
“How many of them are there?” I asked.

  
“Out of most of the staff usually the only woman that works our side is Linda and she’s nice she’s a good person. Levi, Gavin, Sam and Neal are all brotherhood Tony is kind of I still don’t have him figured out, he’ll be here tomorrow afternoon. Tony usually works week days in the afternoon from like noon to 9pm when we go to sleep. Sam usually only works weekends or late shift from like 11pm to I think like 9 or so. Weekends he’s around from like 8am to 1am. Neal works from like 4pm to 4am three times a week. I don’t know who is working tomorrow besides Tony and like I said I’m pretty sure it’s Levi and Gavin but we’re a little old for their taste so we should be all right tomorrow expect for…” Dom trailed off and I could feel him frowning in the darkness.

  
“What? Me Troy and Burgess?” I asked him already figuring the types these two probably went after. Burgess because he was young and weak and Troy because he was young and quiet. And me because I was me. I was just a fun toy to mess with and I knew it. I knew that’s what they saw me. I also knew Leo was going to be there and there was no way in hell Leo wasn’t going to hurt me. There had never been any point where I had seen Leo and he hadn’t at least tried to molest me. The movie theater being the only time he had not really had any success in getting his hands on me and that was the one time I had just barely escaped him.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said, “You should really try to get some sleep. If you hear anything by the way just don’t open your eyes. They are probably just doing checks and if well…I have a lot of nightmares so just don’t worry about it.”

  
“I do too, when I do sleep. I don’t know. I’ll be quiet but I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep that well tonight just to let you know,” I answered, “Goodnight.”

  
“Night,” Dom said getting up and walking back over to his bed leaving me sitting there on mine. I laid down waiting, hoping I would fall asleep if I just simply closed my eyes and allowed myself to try and relax but I couldn’t.

  
After about an hour I ended up pacing the floor a little going to the bathroom and getting a drink. I laid back down for 20 more minutes until I couldn’t stand the thoughts dancing behind my own eye lids and ended up going to the window and looking outside. It looked peaceful out there, woods beyond a small field the whole thing just out of reach. I could imagine the way the heat felt looking out there, sticky and hot so different from the air conditioning we were stuck in, a small light from outside giving just a tiny bit of illumination. I didn’t hear him come in.

  
“You look like an angel standing there,” he whispered making me freeze, “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”

  
I knew it was Neal. I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want to move to let him know I was real, that I was awake and aware of his presence. That he had intruded on a moment that was just meant to be mine, wishing I could feel the heat outside, run through the trees and to someplace better, someplace where I wasn’t me. Where I wasn’t what I was.

  
“I couldn’t. Sleep I mean,” I answered not turning to look at him the hairs on the back of my neck standing up and goose bumps forming on my skin as my body alerted me that he was coming closer that I was like a deer being stalked by a coyote, cornered with no way to escape.

  
“You’re ok,” he said as I felt him press up against my back. As he kissed the back of my neck making me shiver.

  
“Are you going to…?” I asked him afraid of his answer.

  
“No,” he whispered into my ear trying to be as quiet as possible, “I’m going to make you love to you little angel,” he said grabbing the back of my shirt and forcing it up over my head.

  
I didn’t want this. But I felt so dead tired. At that point it just didn’t matter. Not with Leo being there tomorrow everything I had tried to escape getting rubbed in my face.

  
I nodded my head as he brushed my hair back behind my ear and started kissing my neck and biting at my ear lobe. As I closed my eyes I braced myself against the window sill knowing he would move us in a minute. That soon my pants would be on the floor and he would be in my little bed with me, him on top of me moving inside of me. I didn’t want that but I already felt like it was useless to fight it. Useless to care.

  
He wrapped his hands around my waist coming to the front of my pants and pulling them open his hands sliding down my pubic bone touching me as I gasped in surprise. When my Da was gentle he wasn’t gentle like this, this was almost worse. I felt myself starting to cry knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop him.

  
“You’re ok,” he repeated into my skin over and over as he kissed my neck and my shoulders. His right hand gripping me starting to stroke as his other hand wandered my chest and stomach in a slow up and down motion, “Just enjoy it.”

  
I was shaking. I wanted him to stop touching me. His hands making me feel dirty. I started silently praying that something would interrupt us as he moved pulling me backwards with him away from the window, away from the little piece of hope I had felt for just a few minutes. He turned me in his arms so I was facing him, naked and shaking his kisses trailing along my jaw bone and neck line working their way down my torso making me whimper.

  
“No, no you have to be quiet Angel. We wouldn’t want to wake anyone up now, would we?” He breathed into my hip right above my brand as he ran a hand over the scar, “God, why do you have to be so beautiful?”

  
He kissed a line to my shaft and then slid his tongue down it licking me. I whimpered again. I didn’t want it to feel like it did. I didn’t want his hands on my skin. I didn’t want anyone touching me like this but Pat. I wanted him to stop. I wanted his tongue off of me, I wanted to breathe. I wanted freedom. I didn’t want this.

  
“Shhh Angel you have to be quiet,” he said again before taking me into his mouth.

  
“No, please please don’t, please stop, no,” I begged barely above a whisper and then he froze and I heard it too movement out in the hallway.

  
“Neal?” I heard a quiet hiss.

  
“Shit, I’ll see you in the morning,” Neal said getting up and walking out, adjusting his pants in the front. Leaving me gasping and thanking whatever god was up there. As I got up and grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom to put them back on. I sat there trying to calm down. Trying to tell myself that I was ok even though I wasn’t.

  
After a minute, I heard a light knock on the door, “John?” It was Dom. I sighed with relief.

  
“Leave, please just go back to sleep,” I managed to stammer.

  
“Come on, your ok right, did he?” Dom said.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said thinking of how my body had nearly reacted how I had almost allowed myself to melt into his touch, to do that to me. Allowed myself to enjoy it almost when I thought of how badly I wanted it to be Pat.

  
“John, you know it’s ok, right? That it’s not your fault?” He said from the other side of the door.

  
“I know I just…I don’t want them. I want him,” I said putting my pants on and doing them up before I opened the door, “I want him, Dom.” I said trying to swallow back my tears.

  
“I know,” Dom said hugging me tightly and then letting me go quickly, “I know you do. Why do you think I put you on the phone with him? I know how much he means to you. How much you need him. I understand how badly it hurts believe it or not. I know he’s the only person in the world you need right now and you can’t be with him. And I’m so sorry.”

  
“Thanks, I huh, feel like I should try to sleep,” I said, “And no he didn’t, he was going to but someone called for him out in the hallway so he left.”

  
“Thank god, I heard you whimper I figured he was…, I’m sorry I just didn’t want to open my eyes and have to see that.” Dom said to me.

  
“Yeah, no I got it, trust me I understand not wanting to see that,” I answered, “You think I’ll be able to sleep?” I asked him.

  
“I’m not sure I can sleep now that was…yeah no,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“Maybe if we just lay here quietly?” I asked thinking about the perpetual state of exhaustion I already felt I was in. Thinking about how I wished my fear and anxiety would just allow me to sleep.

  
“We can try if they catch us talking they’ll put us in isolation at least one of us and that’s somewhere that wouldn’t be very safe for you,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah, I remember, you know, earlier.” I said reminding him of group how I was pulled out for swearing.

  
“Yeah don’t stand up for anyone like that again. You aren’t doing yourself any favors when you do stuff like that here. They talk to your parents, your handler and they find out how to get to you,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah that’s basically what he told me when he…Sam took me in the back. That he talked to my Da and Da gave him some.,” I sighed, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m just tired. Maybe we should really sleep.”

  
“Yeah,” Dom agreed, “Goodnight.”

  
“Night,” I answered. We walked to our beds and both climbed in. I closed my eyes hoping that I would be asleep before Neal came back before he had a chance to try again.


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is dealing with his feelings and he learns how some people think the differences between the ranks or levels in the brotherhood work and what the real difference is. He learns more about Tony and gets to vent about how horrible he feels about being away from Pat. Josh does something surprising that John is not expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> page 223 to 247. Warnings: Rape/non-con, swearing, delinquent behavior (talk of underage drug use, a little bit of verbal fighting) anxiety, talk of suicide attempt, mental health issues. John actually truly admits he probably has an eating disorder to himself/ you guys but still a pretty big deal. I actually had a lot of fun going over this chapter for some reason and it really shows some solidarity between all of the bottoms or most of them anyway regardless of rank. This is where in John's story you start learning a little bit more about the system and how it works. Oh yes when Dom says Chertov Christi that is Fucking Christ is Russian because he thinks the whole thing is just stupid and pointless.

I did fall asleep I know I did but when I was woken up it was still dark out someone shinning a flash light in my face, “Come on Angel vitals,” Neal said pulling my covers off of me.

  
“Vitals what are vitals?” I asked confused rubbing my eyes

  
“Temperature, blood pressure, questions about your physical health,” Neal answered, “You’ll be fine.” He said coming up to my bed and sitting down pushing me back into the pillows.

  
Where I hadn’t been fully awake before I was now. My heart picking up speed as he weighed me down. He wasn’t really going to do this, now was he? While people were waking up?

  
I clenched my eyes shut willing him to get off of me. At this point I was too broken to say no, to cry. Too tired to struggle. I sighed as he licked my lips.

  
“The sooner we get your vitals done the sooner I can have some fun,” He said as he allowed me to get up.

  
I knew what he meant. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I sighed looking up at him and then stood up as he allowed me room to get off the bed before he came forward again so he was right up against me like a cat trying to rub itself on me.  
“Will you moan for me angel?” He muttered as he backed away, “Follow me.” He said louder.

  
I followed him out into the foyer where I was directed to sit in a chair next to the desk, “Ok I’ll start by asking you questions and then I’ll take your temperature and stuff and then we’ll go to the shower room where you’ll shower and then goals group.

  
“Do you have a bowel movement yesterday?” He asked me.

  
“You mean did I crap? Why are you asking me that? Did you?” I asked.

  
“Very funny once we get you on medication you can get backed up, so I have to ask,” Neal said, “So did you, or didn’t you?”

  
“Yes, yesterday morning before I got here,” I answered honestly.

  
“Do you feel light headed? Dizzy any of that?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?” He asked me.

  
Of course, I felt like hurting myself. I knew what he was going to do to me. Who wouldn’t feel like hurting themselves knowing their body was about to betray them? I glared at him. Why the fuck would he ask me that?

  
“Why do you care? You’re going to hurt me so why should it matter if I want to hurt myself?” I asked him.

  
He glared at me and put his clipboard down, “Listen to me very very carefully Johnny Angel ok? I’m not hurting you, I could if you really want me to but I figure that’s going to cause me more trouble than it’s worth you understand? I’m just teaching you a lesson. Now do you feel like hurting yourself?” He asked me again.

  
“Yeah,” I answered truthfully.

  
“Ok,” He picked up his clipboard and wrote something down, “Why?”

  
“Why do you think?” I asked him swallowing the lump in my throat.

  
“Ok,” He wrote something else on the clip board, “You want to kill yourself?”

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“Ok, did you sleep ok?” He asked me.

  
“No, I’m actually super tired,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” He said setting down the clip board and rolling a cart over and sticking what looked like a fat needle into a box and then pushing a button, “Put this under your tongue and don’t talk,” He said handing it to me.

  
I did as I was told and he took my arm and wrapped what looked like a cloth bandage around it and pushed a button. It squeezed my arm and took my blood pressure as the thing under my tongue beeped. He then pulled the thing out of my mouth and looked at it writing something down on his clip board.

  
“You’re blood pressure is a little high,” he commented picking up the clip board and writing something down, “You a little nervous?” He asked me.

  
“Wouldn’t you be?” I asked, “I know who my doctor is. He’s the reason I’m here in the first place. Wouldn’t knowing that make you nervous?” I asked him.

  
“How is your arm doing?” He asked me as I looked at the gauze around my wrist.

  
“It’s fine,” I answered.

  
“Ok, let’s go have you take a shower, just let me get you a fresh uniform,” he answered going behind the counter and grabbing something from behind the desk, “I have to be in there with you because you’re still on watch.”

  
He handed me a pile with a new uniform and towel and a wash cloth. I sighed. So, this is what Dom had meant about being careful about showers. I didn’t want this. I knew what was going to happen the moment he got me alone in there how he was going to tell me to just relax to be calm. How he was going to whisper things in my ear meant to chill me out and instead was going to make me want to cry and scream. How I knew I was going to get hard when he touched me how he was going to enjoy it and I was going to hate it. I stood up and walked into the bathroom.

  
He locked the door behind us the click echoing through the shower room. So, this was it? This was where he raped me. That was all I could think.

  
“You’re all right I promise. I won’t hurt you,” he said pulling his shirt up over his head as he looked at me going and turning on the shower head the room starting to fill with hot steam.

  
“Do I really have to?” I asked hugging myself.

  
“Yes angel, you might even like it, or is that what you’re so afraid of?” He asked me taking his pants and underwear off in one swoop allowing me to look at him. God, I didn’t want that thing anywhere near me. He had to have been bigger than normal. The thought making me nervous, “Oh,” He smiled noticing me looking, “I’ll go slow don’t worry.”

  
I shook my head feeling light headed and nauseas all of the sudden. This wasn’t good. There was nothing I could do to get out of this I had no power here. He didn’t care about my feelings, my wellbeing. He just wanted to get off and he wanted to use me to do it.

  
“Come here Angel,” He said taking a step towards me.

  
“I really don’t…,” He cut off my words.

  
“Just relax,” He said as I felt myself starting to shake as he put a hand on my shoulder.

  
“God you’re so beautiful you really are an angel huh?” He said as he pulled at the hem of my shirt.

  
“Please, please don’t. I don’t want to please,” I whimpered and I could myself fighting back the tears that wanted to escape.

  
“I know, you’ll be ok though,” he said as he managed to get my shirt off me, and he looked at me, “Just think of it as a lesson ok? I brought lube, it won’t hurt I’ll make sure. I want you to feel good ok Angel?” He said touching my cheek as I pushed his hand away.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said again.

  
“Oh Angel, come on baby I won’t hurt you, I swear. Just don’t struggle, let it happen,” he said undoing the snaps on my pants as I stood there frozen and they fell to the floor leaving us both naked. Me still shivering, “You really are beautiful, look at you.”

  
He hugged me pulling me into his chest as I fought to push him off me, to put some distance between his skin and mine. I didn’t want this, I shook my head trying to pull away as he pulled me into the running water under the shower cooing to me trying to get me to calm down to allow him to touch me without fighting.

  
“Just relax angel ok, I’m not going to hurt I promise,” he said pushing me hard up against the wall on one side as he leaned down and started kissing me. I bit my teeth together locking my jaw not allowing him to stick his tongue in my mouth. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t going to let him kiss me. He somehow forced me to turn around leaning me forward against the wall as he forced my legs apart. I knew that he was doing and I went to scream as he put his hand over my mouth.

  
“You scream I’m going to have to sedate you, you understand? You need to calm down,” he said as I grabbed at his wrist trying to remove his hand from my mouth which he squeezed tighter, “I said understand?” He hissed and I sighed and nodded my head.  
He kept his hand in place over my mouth as I felt his other hand probing, exploring. It made my eyes go wide as he fingered me before his finger was quickly replaced with something bigger pressing against my hole trying to breech my body. I screamed into his hand covering my mouth the burn spreading through my body incredible almost enough to make me faint. It hurts so bad. Feeling almost like it had when it was both my Da and Lord at the same time.

  
“No, no, you’re all right I know it’s big angel but just relax, you relax it won’t hurt I swear to you, ok? Come on baby, you feel so good and I can make you feel good too you just have to relax ok? I swear,” he cooed into my ear as he leaned over me his one hand still clamped over my mouth his other running through my hair trying to calm me down trying to get me to accept what he was doing. As my whole body shook because I was trying to with stand the pain. Once he got me to settle down he moved his hand from my mouth.

  
“Ok. Now I just need you stay calm. Don’t move and it won’t hurt, I promise. Trust me I’ve learned a thing or two about how people react to me and the stiller you are the less this will hurt until you get used to me so please Angel I’m begging you don’t move,” he said as he started to pull out slowly and I felt something cold and wet hit my back which I assumed was more lube. Him pulling out before he slowly started pushing back in making me whimper.

  
It hurt. The whole thing hurt. However, him sliding back in hurt less than him sliding out. Until it got to the very end where he thrusted hard making me gasp and my eyes go wide when he hit against that spot inside me somehow. I hated that they all knew how to hit that fucking spot somehow that it was almost like they tried to find it, made sure they hit it. My breathing hitched a little as I tried to stay calm, to not make any sounds of protest and stay very still.

  
“That’s it Angel, that’s it good boy,” he said as he pulled out again this time a little faster than before the rhythm feeling smoother as he worked running a hand through my hair trying to keep me calm almost like he was petting a horse. He kept going, he made sure he bumped against my prostate until we were both gasping, both struggling to breathe as we both got closer to coming. When I was on the edge he reached around underneath me grabbing me and started to give me a hand job to help me finish. He made sure we climaxed together, I felt him cum inside me as I came all over his hand, both of us breathless. He helped me sit down on the bench built into the one wall of the shower.

  
“That was fucking amazing, you’re so tight,” he commented as he got on his knees kissing the inside of one of my thighs making me jump.

  
“NO! no no don’t do that, please please don’t do, please,” I begged my whole body still shaking from the exhaustion of already having climaxed once, my skin buzzing with the feeling of his skin against mine the feeling of his cum still inside me as I sat down on my very tender butt.

  
“Shhh… it’s ok. You’re ok. I know that was hard but this will feel good I promise this won’t hurt even a little,” he said kissing the inside of my thigh again and I resigned myself to the fact I was trapped there that he was going to do it whether I wanted him to or not.

  
The tingle started the moment his tongue went up against the skin in my most intimate parts. Me grabbing onto a towel bar to keep from screaming out my whole body shaking. I didn’t want him to do that. I didn’t want him to be able to make me feel that way the pressure building under my skin again as I could no longer hold back making sound and a noise somewhere between a hum and a moan escaped my lips as his mouth pulled me closer to orgasm.

  
I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his mouth on my skin especially there. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want any of them touching me. I just wanted to be left alone.

  
I didn’t want to be a sex toy anymore. I wanted this to be over and I wanted them all to stop and I knew it wouldn’t. That after I gave him whatever he wanted he would take it again and again and again as many times as he liked just as everyone else would. The feeling got too intense, the pressure causing my eyes to roll as I felt his tongue do something weird causing me to reach my peak, causing me to lose my ability to breathe as he made me climax and he sucked it away, sucked me clean.

  
“You really are sweet, aren’t you?” He asked wiping his chin off on my thigh kissing there again, “You have any more for me?” he asked brushing a hand across my knee making me jump on reflex as he sighed looking at me, “No? Ok later maybe? Get up shower off just don’t take too long. After that you can go back to bed for a little while until breakfast. I’ll let you skip goals group, ok Angel? Think of it as a reward for being so good.” He said patting my knee before he used my leg to support his weigh so he could pull himself up and got out of the shower shutting the curtain behind him.

  
It took me a minute or two to move. My whole body shaking so hard I felt like I was going to fall over the moment I stood causing me to sit back down as I looked at the soap dispenser built into the wall. I pumped some into my hand from where I was sitting and started washing myself my hands still shaking. I couldn’t get myself to stop shaking. I felt used and dirty no matter how much soap I tried, no matter how hard I scrubbed or how hot the water was.

  
He was right, he hadn’t hurt me on purpose and it had felt good at least in part and I hated myself because of that. Because it always felt good it always made my eyes roll. It always made me struggle not to moan as the tingles and pressure took over my body.

  
I always hated it. I always hated that they do to that me without my permission and that it didn’t matter what I thought about while it was happening. I could never stop it from feeling the way it did. When I thought I was clean I opened the shower curtain to find him sitting outside the shower in a chair looking in my direction and he sighed heavily and smiled to himself when I grabbed the towel off the hook. I dried myself and I could see what he was thinking in his face what they all thought “I’ve had that, I like that that’s an amazing piece”. I pulled on my new uniform as he stood up.

  
“NO!” I said shaking my head as he wrapped his arms around me hugging me pulling my face into his chest.

  
“It’s ok, you’re ok Angel, you’re beautiful I just wanted to let you know how good you are ok? I’m not going to hurt you I promise. I’ll never hurt you,” he said running a hand through my wet hair swaying gently from side to side as he held me and my whole body shook. He kissed my forehead and sighed into my skin, “Go lay down for a little bit longer ok?”

  
I sighed forcing myself to nod my head when he let me go before I raced down the hallway away from the foyer and day room back to the bedroom I shared with Dom. I then pulled the covers up over my head wrapping myself tightly in them as I bit into my pillow starting to sob. I didn’t know how I was ever going to get the feeling of him off of my skin. Of him or Da or Leo or any of them off my skin and I just wanted someone safe, someone I knew wasn’t going to hurt me anymore.

  
I wanted him to tell me it was ok. Wanted to hear him say that I was going to be ok and that I could do this. That I would be fine and we’d be together and that he loved me and he’d make me not hate myself anymore. That no matter what he’d teach me how to be ok in my skin. I knew that wasn’t possible though. That I couldn’t have him with me. It hurt. I fell asleep thinking about how much I missed him.

  
I felt someone touch my shoulder and jerked away, “DON” T TOUCH ME!” I screamed loudly before I realized how loud my voice was.

  
“Ok, I’m sorry I won’t touch you. It’s me ok? It’s Dom,” Dom said quietly trying to calm me down, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine just go,” I said my whole body still shaking.

  
“Did Neal hurt you?” Dom asked quietly as I wrapped my blankets ever tighter around me pulling them over my head.

  
“No, no I’m fine just p-p-please go,” I answered.

  
“John, it’s ok,” Dom said quietly.

  
“No, no it’s not ok. This is not ok, I am not ok,” I gasped trying to steady my voice as I started crying, “I need him and he’s not here and he can’t be here and that’s not ok. The way they make me feel is not ok. None of this is ok why can’t they just give me one thing, that’s all I want is one thing and they can’t even give me that.”

  
“I know you need him. I’m sorry,” Dom said, “I can’t get him here but I can call him later and let you talk to him ok? Is there anything else I can do?”

  
“Just go and let me rip my skin off,” I answered.

  
“John, I can’t let you do that, you can’t do that ok? Don’t say that if you say that I have to tell someone,” Dom begged me.

  
“Ok, just leave me here then. I’ll stay here,” I answered, “I won’t hurt myself I’ll just stay here.”

  
“Ok, you stay here I’ll come get you for breakfast, alright?” Dom said.

  
“No, no breakfast I’ll just stay here,” I said taking a breath trying to quiet myself. Trying to stop crying, “I just want to stay here.”

  
“Ok, I’ll let you rest then. If you want to talk come find me ok?” Dom said and I nodded my head even though I wasn’t sure he could see it and I heard him sigh, “Ok feel better.” He answered and I heard his footsteps quietly recede.

  
I know I didn’t go to sleep but I closed my eyes and thought of him, of me burying my head into his chest as he held me. How he had done that so many times before. I needed to feel him and I couldn’t. All I had were thoughts, thoughts that made me cry harder because he couldn’t be with me and might not ever be with me again. After a while I heard someone moving around.

  
“John? I’m nurse Pam, I need to check your arm see how it’s healing and then rebandage it ok?” The person said their weight shifting as they sat down beside me.

  
“Don’t touch me!” I jerked my arm away as they went to reach for it.

  
She sighed softly talking quietly, “John Honey, I have to ok? I have make sure it’s healing all right and put antibiotics on it. I need to touch you in order to do that.”

  
“Don’t touch me,” I repeated again curling into the fetal position trying to protect myself from her.

  
“Honey, does someone touch you without permission at home?” She asked me.

  
I didn’t answer. How was I supposed to answer that? Was I supposed to say yes? Was I supposed to spill everything to her when it wouldn’t really do me any good? I didn’t want to talk to her about how my body wasn’t mine, how it belonged to them.

  
“Honey, I need to look at your arm,” Nurse Pam said again.

  
“No, it doesn’t matter,” I said quietly, “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”

  
“Why do you think it doesn’t matter?” She asked me quietly.

  
“Because I’m not human,” I said.

  
“What do you mean you’re not human if you’re not human what do you think you are?” She asked me sounding worried.

  
“I’m a toy,” I answered.

“What do you mean you’re a toy?” She questioned.

  
“I’m not human they don’t see me as human. I’m theirs to do whatever they want to, to play with, to touch whenever they want to and I just want to be human I don’t want to be a toy anymore. I want to be human, I don’t want be theirs,” I said starting to cry again.

  
“Ok, ok I can understand that. No one likes to be treated like that. No one likes to feel like they aren’t human,” Nurse Pam said, “When you mean touch and play with what do you mean?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head vigorously. Meaning I wasn’t going to talk about it anymore. That I didn’t want to put her in danger and I didn’t think she needed to hear about it.

  
“Ok that’s fine but, I still need to see your arm. That way I can check on it and make sure it’s ok, can I touch you? Just your arm?” She asked me.

  
I sighed heavily. I really didn’t want to be touched because I could still feel Neal’s tongue on my skin. Still feel it …down there. The feeling of his hands on my waist and head on my forearms.

  
I didn’t want to feel anything else. I didn’t want anyone else on my skin but Pat and I couldn’t have him. No matter how desperately I wanted him. How badly I needed him to make it better, I couldn’t have him.

  
“I can’t,” I answered her.

  
“Honey, I need to. If you can’t have me touch you I need to go get someone to sedate you. I don’t want to have to do that to you because from what you’ve told me that isn’t going to go well so if you could please just sit up so I can see your arm and do my job it would really be helpful,” she said quietly.

  
I sat up unwrapping myself from my blankets slowly. I pulled my arm out and showed it to her. She touched it the feeling of her fingers on my skin making me twitch.

  
“I’m not going to hurt you,” she said quietly and I actually felt assured of that for once. That she wasn’t going to make me hate myself by touching me. She undid the gauze taking it away and looked at my stitches then pressed on the skin there lightly, “does that hurt?”

  
“No,” I answered quietly shaking my head.

  
“Ok, today is the last day we’re going to keep it covered I’ll get you a long sleeved shirt or a sweater to put under your uniform or over it because we can’t let you run around with it exposed but it has to breathe ok?” she said taking some antibiotic ointment and rubbing it in with a gloved hand and then wrapping fresh gauze around it to replace the old wet gauze she had just removed.

  
“Ok,” I answered.

  
“Thank you, for letting me help you,” she said, “I’m going to leave you to lay back down ok?”

  
“Yeah, I’m just tired I didn’t mean anything I said,” I told her.

  
She looked at me closely like she wasn’t sure what to say. Like she knew I had told her the truth and that this was the lie but that she didn’t want to upset me, “Ok. If you ever want to talk though I’m here. However, I think even if it’s not true you should tell your doctor what you told me.”

  
“NO! NO! I don’t want to see him! I don’t want to see him!” I said as I felt myself starting to shake, “Please don’t make me see him, please.”

  
“Well, I can put in a request for your social worker to go with you but, I can’t keep you from seeing him,” she answered, “I think your social worker is Liz. I believe she’s here today. Do you want your social worker to go with you?” She asked me quietly.  
“Could she?” I asked knowing I didn’t want to be alone with Leo because I knew whatever room we were in alone together wasn’t a safe room or car or any other space.

  
There had never been any incident where I had run into him where he hadn’t touched me or at least tried to force himself on me. I knew if he had the chance he would have me bent over some surface or have his head shoved between my legs just so he could feel me shiver and shake as I tried not to cry. Just like any of them would want to do to me.

  
“I’ll ask for you. Men make you nervous?” She asked me causing me to shift uncomfortably, “It’s ok it happens to a lot of people. Is it someone at home?”

  
I wasn’t going to talk about it. I already felt like she was in danger enough just me telling her what I had told her. It didn’t take a rocket scientist for someone to figure out what “I’m theirs to do whatever they want to” meant. I knew she knew but that didn’t mean I had to tell her everything. That I had to tell her about the videos and the guys and the way it hurt worse when they didn’t hit me or choke me.

  
She sighed in response to my silence, “Ok stay here and relax. I’ll have someone come get you in a while for breakfast.”

  
This time I fell asleep. I missed breakfast and goals group and Dom stopped in sometime after goals group was over waking me up. I still felt sick to my stomach I didn’t want to be touched and I didn’t want to sit in a room with a bunch of people that I was convinced had been talking about my absence while I was gone but, I got up anyway.

  
I got up because I knew that I wasn’t supposed to lay in bed all day. I brushed my hair that was starting to get long knowing I would need a hair cut in the next week and half if I was out by then. If not I would still need one before I started school. I sighed and walked back down the hallway joining the rest of the group in the day room as some new guy passed out a bunch of papers.

  
“Hi you’re Johnathan? I’m Gavin,” The guy said handing me a piece of paper that I read the title of “You, your body and medication”

  
“Hi,” I said his eyes lingering on me a little longer then I felt comfortable with.

  
“Are you ok John?” Ron asked me.

  
“Yeah, just tired,” I answered.

  
“I know how that tired feels,” Josh looked at me and then muttered.

  
“Josh, no,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“So, that is what it is?” Josh asked.

  
“Dudes, leave him alone,” Dillon said.

  
“Ok guys come on, pull your attention away from John and the gossip going around please and let’s focus on our discussion. Can someone read the first part? Tyler?” Gavin said.

  
“You, your body and medication,” Tyler said, “Should I keep going?” He asked.

  
“Yeah please just read the first paragraph,” Gavin answered.

  
“Not everyone takes medication but some people are prescribed medication for mental health reasons. These medications are very important to take as important as the medication some diabetics take because it helps your brain get chemicals it is lacking in pill form. These medications effect everyone differently and not every medication works the same for every person.” Tyler read.

  
“Ok good. Ron, next paragraph,” Gavin said.

  
“While, each person is prescribed different medications some medications work the same way one class of these medications are called SSRI’s and these are a type of anti-depressant. Anti-depressants work to help the body better receive or produce serotonin in the brain. These medications like many other medications can have different side effects some of which are physical. They can cause tremors, dizziness, problems with weight gain or weight loss. While most of these side effects are temporary they may be uncomfortable,” Ron read slowly.

  
“Burgess,” Gavin said.

  
“Some of the best ways to deal with these side effects are by changing your diet and making sure you take your medication consistently at the same time every day. Routine can really help someone cope with having to take medication. If side effects persist it is important to speak to your doctor,” Burgess read from the piece of paper.

  
“Anyone taking medication that they don’t like?” Gavin asked looking at everyone.

  
“I once took some coke that didn’t sit well with me,” Eric answered.

  
“That is not what we are talking about,” Gavin said, “That is a totally different group I was talking about medication you are prescribed by your doctor.”

  
“I was once on Zoloft it gave me horrible tremors,” Eric tried.

  
“Better, thank you Eric, how did that make you feel?”

  
“Like crap I couldn’t hold my pencil and anytime I tried to hold anything like, even just a spoon my hand was just like blah….” He said shaking his hand back and forth, “I felt like I was trying to learn how to eat again and it was horrible. I hated it.”

  
“I’ve been on medication before,” Burgess said, “It sucked. I remember being really really tired. Like all the time. I’m on Effexor now and when I first started it I had really weird dreams. I probably still do honestly but I don’t sleep a lot.”

  
After a while I tuned out. I didn’t care about medication I wasn’t on any. I didn’t think the discussion was relevant and thought there were better things in my life to be doing at the time. One of which would have been laying in bed trying to pretend I was someone else or dreaming that Pat was with me. That I didn’t have to be without him. After a while someone cleared their throat and I noticed the room staring at me.

  
“You ok John?’ Gavin asked me.

  
“Sorry,” I answered looking at everyone, “Did you say something?”

  
“I asked everyone if they were on medication or how they felt about taking medication,” Gavin said.

  
“I’m not on medication, no,” I answered, “I never really thought anything about taking any.”

  
“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” Gavin asked me to which I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.

  
Of course I wasn’t much of a talker. I felt gross and I had been raped that morning, I knew I was probably going to raped again that night and I was supposed to see my doctor at some point which was Leo who I was also pretty sure was going to rape me. I looked forward to none of these encounters and knew there was nothing I could do to stop them so why speak? There wasn’t anything to say and nothing I said mattered anyway.

  
“You need to participate in group John,” Gavin said looking at me, “Do you have something on your mind?”

  
I shook my head. I wanted everyone to quit staring at me. I wanted Gavin to just leave me alone. I pulled my knees up to my chest in the oversized chair I was sitting in and hugged them there. I didn’t want everyone watching me and knowing that everyone was, was nerve wracking.

  
“We’re not judging you,” Burgess said quietly, turning his gaze away.

  
“So, we’re going to sit here and not talk about this?” Josh asked, “How they are gunning for him?”

  
“It’s his life Josh we’re not going to talk about it no,” Dom defended me.

  
Gavin sighed, “Guys we’re not here to talk about that right now. Right now, we’re here to talk about medication.”

  
“Medication you make us take so you can get us under control so we’re easier to deal with,” Eric stated, “Yet if I medicate myself it’s a fucking problem for you? Really how is that fair?”

  
“Eric language,” Gavin warned, “You know what you’re doing is dangerous. The drugs we give you aren’t addictive and they help clear your mind.”

  
“No, they don’t,” Tyler answered, “They put us in a fog so it’s easier for you, all of you to do what you want to us. So, we’ll lay down and we’ll take it and we won’t complain.”

  
“Guys, the medication will help you deal better when it’s time for you to move on,” Gavin said, “That’s why they, we I mean that’s why we give you the medication.”

  
“No, I’m with Tyler on this one. I think you give it to us because you know we won’t fight back if we’re drugged enough,” Dillon insisted.

  
“Anyone else feel the same way? Do I have to call up the leader and ask him what he thinks? Maybe he’ll want to throw a party and guess who will be the party favors if they don’t shut up and believe we have their best interest in mind?” Gavin said making everyone stop and close their mouths.

  
No one wanted to deal with him. While my experience with him was limited I knew I didn’t want to deal with him. We all knew he liked younger boys but from the way the room read it was easy to tell he didn’t have a problem bothering us older ones if it meant keeping us in line. How many of these guys had he tortured?

  
I didn’t even want to think about it remembering my branding ceremony. What he had done to me and how he had asked me questions. He had done it so he could read what I was thinking so he could then use it against me. I also hated how he had listened to and directed my Da in how he should treat me that one afternoon, the things he should do to me and how my Da had listened to every word.

  
“That’s what I thought,” Gavin smirked in triumph, “Don’t back talk and stay on topic.”

  
“Are you gunning for him?” Josh asked shooting a look at me and then turning his attention back to Gavin.

  
Gavin laughed, “That’s a bold question,” he replied rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “If I was I wouldn’t tell you would I? Why do you care anyway? your dead meat once you leave here.”

  
“Maybe but at least I won’t belong to the brotherhood anymore,” Josh said, “I’ll be free which is what I was trying to do anyway so doesn’t that just mean I win?”

  
“That’s what this is? You think this is a game?” Gavin asked him.

  
“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what everything is? So, what if I have to die to win? It means you can’t have me anymore,” Josh hissed standing up.

  
“Sit down,” Gavin warned him.

  
“Why? Why does it fucking matter? Why do I have to listen to you? Fuck you,” Josh said.

  
“Didn’t you already your first night? Are you really itching to get it again?” Gavin asked making everyone in the room nearly gasp in surprise.

  
“What didn’t think I was good enough to want more?” Josh asked still standing.

  
“Let’s just say there are other people in here more suited to my needs from what I’ve heard,” Gavin said and I was sure I saw his eyes flash to me.

  
“Why because he’s young and pretty?” Josh asked, “I know I’m too old for most of you but seriously you think I’m going to just fucking sit here and let you threaten a 13-year-old kid?”

  
“I’d like to think of it as merely me answering your question. You want to go to isolation Josh or you want to teach these boys and thing or two about how to cope in a better way than shoving drugs up their nose?” Gavin said, “Because if you have anything good you want to do your clock is ticking so, I would do it.”

  
Josh smiled and shook his head, “Fine, my advice guys? Listen carefully. Don’t let them take your mind. They can have your body, they have your life, they can take your friends and your family, let them have it all because in the end they will but, don’t ever let them take your will to fight. That’s the only way they ever truly own you.” Josh hissed.

  
“Thank you for that Josh. Very gallant of you,” Gavin said, “Isolation, now.”

  
“Yeah fuck you too,” Josh said opening up the door to the day room and slamming it loudly behind him as he left.

  
“Well, I guess I’m done for right now, I’ll go get Tony he’ll finish up group,” Gavin said leaving opening the door.

  
“Well shit,” Eric sighed leaning back in his chair, “Are we really going to let this ginger snap make us this hostile? He’s untouchable. He’s not one of us.”

  
“We’re all in this Eric. It doesn’t matter what number he has on his hip,” Troy said, “He’s here just like we are.”

  
“Shut up kid,” Eric said, “You don’t know anything, do you? You know how we live in dirty basements? He probably has his own floor in his damn house or own wing even. You know how spoiled fives are? They don’t do parties like we do parties. They don’t get beat like everyone gets beat tied down to tables. Sometimes they even get rooms so they don’t have to hear each other being fucked. Ask Dom he gets to go to those parties all the time only reason he’s a 2 is because he’s adopted and not blood to his family.”

  
“Is that true Dom?” Troy asked looking at him closely waiting for an answer.

  
“Chertov Christi,” Dom muttered, “Why does it matter?”

  
“Come on Dom tell them, tell them what it’s like. I’m not stupid all right I know they get treated better than we do. They don’t have to bend over whenever a fucking four comes up to them and we do. It doesn’t matter if it’s recruit level or not whenever a bottom wants to take something out on us if they have a higher number on their hip we have to bend over and take it and no one can do that to him, he’s untouchable. An untouchable fucking piece of shit thinks he has it bad?” Eric said.

  
“ERIC, STOP IT!” Dillon shouted, “You think he asked for this? you think he was born untouchable on purpose?”

  
I just sat there silently. So, this is what people had meant when they said that people hated us, untouchables. They really thought we had it better than they did. That things were that different for us?

  
They all knew who my uncle was. He treated everyone exactly the same I was pretty sure and I couldn’t understand why they would hate me for something I had no control over. I didn’t ask to be born with money into the family that I was born into. I didn’t ask for the life I had just like they didn’t. At least they weren’t related to their handlers by blood. At least they didn’t have their own father raping them whispering things against their skin as he killed them inside. At least their fathers where ever they were, weren’t actively destroying them. Not the fathers they were related to by blood anyway.

  
“John, are you ok?” Dom asked me.

  
“Why do you care so much if he’s ok?” Eric snapped.

  
“Because he’s my fucking friend Eric,” Dom answered, “I know him, ok? You might hate him because of a number on his body but he’s a good person. He didn’t ask for this just like we didn’t ask for this. You think he likes this? You think he doesn’t notice the way they’re looking at him? You know exactly what I’m talking about and we’ve all noticed it. It’s the same way they look at fucking Burgess and we all know why.”

  
“Don’t talk about me,” Burgess said.

  
“He didn’t mean anything by it Adam,” Dillon said causing half the room to look at him closely.

  
“Don’t call me that D,” Burgess said shaking his head and taking his glasses off of his face.

  
“Woah, wait your name is Adam?” Eric said smiling amused at finding something out about him.

  
“You mean because they’re nice looking?” Troy asked.

  
Eric snorted and clapped his hands making me jump, “I would rather they look at them then me.”

  
“Oh, that’s fucking nice,” Ron said rolling his eyes.

  
“There is nothing wrong with self-preservation,” Eric replied, “I would rather it was someone else’s ass then mine. Why is that such a bad thing? And it’s not like Mr. Untouchable can’t take it. I mean god how many guys has he been with, maybe a handful?”  
I sighed closing my eyes. I didn’t want to be discussed. I didn’t want my sex life wanted or unwanted to be discussed.

  
This wasn’t fair. The fact that he hated me for something I couldn’t help wasn’t fair. The fact that everyone knew that look and what it meant and why they were giving it to me wasn’t fair. I was tired of this.

  
“Got something to say five?” Tyler asked me.

  
I shook my head.

  
“Do you actually fucking speak man or did he fuck you’re your ability to speak more than 3 words at a time right out of you the morning?” Eric asked, “Yeah that’s right we’re not stupid he fucks everyone when they first come in though, so don’t act like you’re fucking special.”

  
I opened my mouth to say something but couldn’t find my voice. He really hated me. That was all I could think was this kid really hated me. I exhaled deeply, “I don’t know what exactly you think my life is like but it’s not easy,” I finally said.

  
“Wow, got some words out huh?” Eric said.

  
“Don’t mock me,” I said quietly, “I don’t know why you hate me but everything my uncle does to you whenever it is. If you even know him, I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care he does to me at least once a month. I don’t know what your body looks like under your clothes but I’ve been whipped, I’ve been bitten, I’ve been scratched, I’ve been punched, kicked, had my head slammed against walls and floors not to mention I have been fucked so hard that I have bled for days. I don’t know why you think I haven’t been or why you believe I’m so fucking lucky but I don’t feel very lucky. In fact, I feel so lucky I cut my wrist open and when I woke up from a coma and the first thing I said was “shit I’m alive”. How do you not get that it’s not easy for me either? Yeah people might pay more money to spend time with me but you’d be fucking surprised the people I’m forced to spend time with.”

  
Eric laughed a little bit, “You think your life is really that horrible. So horrible because when someone wants to see you they take you out and then you’re being locked up in some sweet ass hotel while you’re forced to lay on a feather bed? Try having a camera pointed in your face at…”

  
“At what? Tony’s restaurant? Yeah been there done that had my arm broken,” I hissed, “You want to know what happened yesterday at Lunch? Someone said something and it accumulated into Dom giving Mr. Tony and website address that I wasn’t aware of that I’m apparently plastered all over for anyone to see. You know what they say to me when they first meet me? They treat me like…” I faltered starting to cry, “They act like I’m a fucking animal they make comments about how they saw me in this video or that video how they can’t wait to get me to…”

  
“Ok!” Dom said standing up, “That’s enough. Really Eric you had to push him that far?”

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like everyone was staring at me. Like I had said something no one had ever heard before like this was new to them. Like they didn’t know. And I don’t know maybe they didn’t. Obviously, they weren’t around a lot of fives but did they really think that our lives were that different? Was it really that it surprising them to hear I was treated like I was nothing?

  
“Do they make you do parties?” Tyler asked suddenly, “Not to …disregard you but do they make you do those?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I have to do small ones at home all the time. My Da or my uncle they invite friends over and they just…whatever.”

  
“I’m sorry,” Ron said, “My dad has never done that to me. Not like that.”

  
“Yeah well mine doesn’t care as long as he can get me alone later, to him it doesn’t matter. He once took me in a back room and fucked some other kid while I screamed because…” I swallowed not wanting to think about Leo and how I was supposed to see him later.

  
How he was my doctor. How someone like that could even be a doctor of any kind. How he had raped me while I watched it happen in a mirror above my head and how no one had cared that I didn’t want it that. How no one had scared that I was scared and crying and just wanted him not to touch me. That I had pleaded with him to stop and he just kept going until he had gotten what he wanted.

  
“Ok,” Ron said nodding his head, “Ok.”

  
“Sorry,” Eric said, “Guys I’m sorry I just…sorry.” Eric said shaking his head and standing up before he left the day room and walked away.

  
“Can we not fight anymore?” Troy asked quietly looking at his hands in his lap, “I know all of you guys are older but please stop.”

  
My heart was racing. I wasn’t sure why, whether it was because I was being so open about things I never talked about or whether it was because it was in front of so many people at once but I felt like it was about to explode inside my chest like I was about to die. My skin vibrating with memories making me want to flay myself just so I could be rid of the feeling. I hated how I could feel them on my skin almost constantly especially when I got upset. How I was afraid that feeling would never go away sometimes.

  
“Everyone ok?” Mr. Tony asked popping his head into the room looking happy until he saw the looks on our faces, “What happened?”

  
“Eric decided to be an asshole,” Dom answered, “I think it’ll be fine just… got heated is all.”

  
“What did Eric say?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“He decided it was time for a rank racket,” Dillon said using a term I had never heard before.

  
Mr. Tony sighed heavily, “really guys? Are you ok Johnathan?”

  
I nodded my head. Yeah, I was out numbered I knew that but apparently, I hadn’t been alone. Dom had stood up for me and Dillon and Josh had really stood up for me being the only to call Gavin out on the way he had been staring at me earning himself a trip into the back room where he was probably getting raped as we sat there. I felt grateful I did. I just felt like I was alone all at the same time. Everyone had known when I walked in there and yet they had acted like everything was normal at first until Eric had exploded.

  
“I don’t feel very good,” I answered him truly feeling sick to my stomach sick about the fact I had exploded like that, shared all of those experiences with them without a second thought to it because I was so angry they thought I believed I was better than they were. That they thought I had it better than they did when really, we were all their whores I just happened to be the best paid whore in the room.

  
“Ok,” Mr. Tony said, “You can go lay down take a break. I’ll come get you when group is over all right?”

  
I nodded my head and got up to leave. I shut the door behind me and walked down the hallway waiting until I was in my room and safely under my covers to allow myself to lose it again. I hated feeling like shit, I hated the fact that I had lost control, or at least the illusion of control that I tried to keep in place. The truth was I didn’t control anything and that’s why the little things, what I talked about how I behaved, what went into my body were sometimes so important. They had been right the night before when we talked about eating disorders it was all about the control you felt it allowed you to have.

  
I didn’t like this place and felt like I would have been better off at home almost if it weren’t for him, for Leo who apparently there was no escape from anyway. I just wanted to go at least if I was home I knew everyone else was safe. At least if I was home I could talk to Pat on the phone and maybe sneak out of the house every once in a while, to see him. I wasn’t in my room for very long before someone knocked on the door making me shudder afraid of who it might be. that it was going to be Gavin. That he was going to hurt me, do things to me that I didn’t want to do. However, I sighed in relief when I found out it was Mr. Tony.

  
“Hi,” he said sitting down on Dom’s made bed, “You’re still on restriction today so I figured you and I would talk while everyone else went to class and then maybe you could watch some TV, you want to come out and sit in the day room?” He asked me.

  
“Is everyone else gone?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I figured it might be good to give you and Eric some time away from each other so they’ve already gone down to the classroom. How are you feeling?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “I kind of just want to go home.”

  
“I’m sorry. It’ll get easier I’m sure he feels bad he just…you have to understand it’s not easy for them,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“Why don’t they get it’s not easy for me either?” I asked.

  
“Well, 2’s are adopted usually to families that don’t have a lot of money and ones are what the brotherhood considers throwaways. They get used until they are used up. They hardly ever make it to adult hood Josh is lucky he’s made it this far and after getting his handler thrown in prison it’s not looking good for him. It’s sad he’s a good kid.” Mr. Tony sighed.

  
“How can you work for them knowing what they are?” I asked.

  
“It was in my release contract, five years in one of their care facilities and I got my money and my tuition covered at any school I wanted. That and there has to be good person looking out for you guys knowing the creeps I work with,” Tony answered.

  
“What rank are you?” I asked.

  
“You mean what rank was I?” Mr. Tony asked me, “I’m not supposed to talk about me but between you and me? Four.”

  
“At least for them it’s not their real Da,” I said shaking my head.

  
“They don’t understand how badly that hurts, they wouldn’t because they don’t have anyone. You have to try to understand that. They think having a real family makes it better but it doesn’t. Come on let’s go out in the day room no one is out there, it’ll just be us. I just don’t want people to think I’m…well,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“That you’re like them?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“I pride myself on not being like them so yeah, if they think I am even a little they’ll start talking about what they do, bragging about it around me, to me and it’s something I don’t care to hear or be reminded of so…,” Mr. Tony sighed.

  
“Yeah, let’s go,” I said standing up. We walked down the hallway in silence. He was right the whole Unit seemed empty even the girls side. We sat down in the quiet day room at the table.

  
“So, you want to tell me about your friend?” He asked me changing to subject to something less sad.

  
“I huh, don’t know?” I asked.

  
“I’m assuming he’s a good friend your eyes lit up when you mentioned him yesterday,” he said to me smiling lightly like he knew, “You want to tell me something about him?”

  
“I huh, his name is Patrick, I call him Pat. The first time I saw him I remember feeling …almost like I’d swallowed a balloon or something my stomach felt light yet full at the same time. He made me question everything before him I just…” I shrugged my shoulders, “He has this lip ring that he moves with his tongue when he’s nervous and these eyes it’s like looking into the ocean their blue and deep and dark but mysterious and wonderful all at once. His hair is inky dark like I think he dyes it but almost like the sky from the country on a starless night. His hands don’t feel like theirs, their always warm and soft and safe. It’s almost like he has this ability to make them disappear.” I answered.

  
“He confused you what do you mean? You mean sexually?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Just in general. Like I didn’t think I could think about anyone like that really. Wonder what it felt like to kiss them. Like I never thought of myself as, I think girls are beautiful I always have I just...” I blushed and shrugged my shoulders.

  
“Do you think you’re bisexual maybe?” He asked me, “It’s ok if you are there’s nothing wrong with being different.”

  
“I had a girlfriend while I was in Montana,” I answered, “It felt nice kissing her but it wasn’t the same. You know how sometimes they make you…,” I made a hand gesture pointing my index fingers at each other not sure how I wanted to say it, if I wanted to say the words.

  
“How they force you to be with other people your own age sometimes? Yeah, I remember that part,” Mr. Tony answered calmly.

  
“Pat was the first…really the only one I…” I felt my face turning red.

  
“Oh,” Mr. Tony said.

  
I nodded my head trying to breathe my whole face hot just thinking about it. About how it had felt me being inside of him. His hands on my body making me feel like even though we hadn’t wanted to it was ok, that he wouldn’t hurt me. That if he had had a choice he wouldn’t have been doing it but that he wasn’t upset by the fact that it was happening.

  
“Even though they videotaped it, when the cameras were gone and they left the room it was almost like…it didn’t feel wrong,” I said closing my eyes trying to keep myself calm, “They even came back and tried to get him to…he saw something in me, read me like no one else ever had and he told them no. That he knew I didn’t want that so he refused to do it. Straight up refused. He cared enough to listen to me, he made me feel like what I wanted mattered. Like I mattered and he always does.”

  
“You two have…?” Mr. Tony asked me his expression half amused half shocked.

  
“Huh,” I said my face still glowing, “Not all the way?” I said.

  
Mr. Tony smiled behind his hand and cleared his throat like he was trying to hide the fact he was amused at my shy and slightly mortified candor. I had only told Will how far Pat and I had taken it and I knew Cole knew because Cole was like Pat’s brother, they lived together, shared a bedroom. If Pat had anything like a brother besides the one he had lost it was Cole.

  
“So, he’s a boyfriend? Does your father know?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“I think so,” I said, “He won’t let me talk to him since last time,” I answered thinking about it making my heart feel like it had fallen out of my body.

  
“Last time?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“My Da, he invites friends over and sometimes they bring their kids and…I was done I couldn’t do anymore and I knew I couldn’t and Pat knew and he was there and he told them to stop that I couldn’t because I couldn’t.” I said my heart starting to race.  
“Ok, John take a deep breath you don’t need to get upset. You don’t even need to tell me if you don’t want to,” Mr. Tony said quietly trying to sooth me as my voice increased in volume and pitch.

  
I took a deep breath and exhaled deeply calming myself and nodding my head, “He offered to do it instead. They punished him for it. He, I’m afraid he still thinks I blame him. But it wasn’t him it was them they were going to do it anyway they just made him watch because he wanted them to stop.”

  
“Hurting you?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
I nodded my head, “They get rough, I’m used to it but making him watch. Knowing he was watching that, that they were making him. He shouldn’t have to see that.”

  
“So, you think they know?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“Yeah. I’m not sure they know, know. I know Pat’s Da suspects but he tolerates it. He won’t say anything because we both mean something to him I guess but my Da has made it very clear that it’s not acceptable and I’m not supposed to see him or talk to him for a while. Between him taking that away and Le…” I tripped over the name, “Leo I couldn’t …I couldn’t. He wants me to be alone. He doesn’t want me to have anyone I can talk to, anyone to…care.”

  
“I don’t think that’s it. You want to know what I think? Why he took your mum away and Patrick away?” Mr. Tony asked, “He wants you to depend on him, your father I mean. He wants you to depend on him completely for everything.”

  
I nodded my head, “I can’t. I know how he feels. I do but I can’t feel the same way. Even if I tried I don’t think I could because…”

“Because he betrayed you,” Mr. tony finished, “Because you know it’s not right that it’s not ok and that it’s not something you asked for or wanted.”

  
I nodded my head, “I know how he feels, I do. Him and my mum used to fight about it how he looks at me like he shouldn’t. They all look at me kind of like that but with him it’s a little different like he wants more than just …”

  
“It’s ok to feel confused about that,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“He wasn’t always bad,” I said, “But I could never feel that way about him not after …” I started to hyperventilate.

  
“Ok. John, you need to try and breathe ok, count to four as you exhale and count to four as you inhale.” Mr. Tony said looking at me closely.

  
I sighed taking his advice breathing slowly. I hated him, my Da I hated how badly he hurt me. How he knew exactly what he needed to do to make me hurt the most. I didn’t want to think about him. About how he treated me how much he had to be angry with me for not loving him in order to do the things he did. How he was so cruel to the point where he was almost malicious.

  
Someone knocked on the door startling us both, “Hi I’m Liz I’m your social worker. I wanted to meet with you before we go see your doctor.” The young woman said her hair pulled back in a tight bun on her head. I noticed she was pretty. Her eyes a hazel color with a dark green ring around each one under her glasses. Her expression warm and kind a hint of a smile sitting just behind her eyes.

  
“Hi,” I said nodding.

  
“May I sit?” She asked as Mr. Tony smiled at her and got up leaving the room.

  
“I’m John,” I said.

  
“Ok John, is there anything you want me to know before we go see Dr. Swartzman?”

  
“I want a different doctor I don’t want him to be my doctor,” I said honestly.

  
“Ok, I can put in a request to have your case transferred but doing that will take time and in the meantime, you’ll be stuck here. Right now, you’re here for three weeks according to your chart because that’s what we can get your insurance to cover. I’m your advocate in this John ok? I work for you anything you need help with you come to me for. I don’t represent your parents or your doctor. I help you. Can you tell me why you need a different doctor because if I’m going to transfer your case I need a valid reason?”

  
“He makes me nervous,” I said.

  
“You haven’t even met him yet; does he make you nervous because he’s a man?” She asked me.

  
Did I tell her the truth? That he was someone I knew? That he wanted to rape me and I knew it and that’s why he scared me or did I just nod my head and give her the simple answer, the easy one. I decided to just nod my head.

  
“Did you know your mother is on the adult ward?” She asked me looking at me closely.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“You and she seem to be sharing some of the same delusions otherwise I’d say we include her in your family meeting later but since you both seem to be suffering from the same misconceptions until she’s doing better I think it’s best you and she stay apart.” She answered me.

  
“Delusions?” I asked confused, “What does that mean?”

  
“It means you’re having thoughts, anxieties that aren’t real. You believe things that aren’t true. Like what made her run to Montana she keeps insisting that her husband, your father was abusive…. he…” I cut her off.

  
“He was abusive he hit her. She was protecting us,” I said

  
“So, you don’t believe he hurt you in other ways?” She asked me and I felt the lump in the throat form.

  
“Other ways?” I asked trying to play cool my whole being feeling like it was going to fall apart and break into a million pieces.

  
“The nurse said you said you don’t feel human that you feel like a toy. That people use you,” Liz said, “You know what that sounds like you’re implying? If it’s not true that’s something that can really hurt someone. To say that is to imply that someone is hurting you very badly and if that is the case you need to not imply but actually verbally confirm an accusation. You understand what I’m saying?”

  
She wanted me to say it? She wanted me to say the words? I didn’t think I could not like that. Not to an adult outside of the brotherhood that didn’t know what it was like.

  
Not to someone I was sure wouldn’t understand it. And what good would saying it do anyway? It was her job to just send me back home, she worked for them despite what she said, what she wanted me to believe. If she thought I was delusional maybe I should just let her keep thinking that. That I was crazy, that I didn’t matter.

  
“Do you have something to clarify for me? Anything you want to say?” She asked me and I just shook my head.

  
I couldn’t say those words. Not to her not to anyone that didn’t already know. If someone was in the brotherhood they knew what I was. What I had gone through no matter how much or how little detail I gave them. It was another thing to talk to someone else about it. Someone else who saw me as normal or nearly normal.

  
“Ok then, I can’t transfer your case are you going to be ok with that?” She asked me and I nodded my head. “Listen, we’ll help you both of you. Is there anything you want me to be aware of when we go and do your family meeting? I think it’s going to be your father and you just you two but he might bring your uncle,” She told me.

  
“Family meeting?” I asked. Thinking about being alone in a room with the two of them and the things they would do made me want to scream.

  
“Yeah it’s basically a conference. It will be you and I and your father maybe Uncle and we’ll talk about some stuff that will help you once you get out. Things we can do to get you home. Medications you’re going to be on, setting up a routine once you leave here all of those types of things.” Liz said.

  
“I want to be able to talk to my friend. Pat,” I said.

  
“Can I ask why?” She asked me.

  
“He’s my best friend I feel like I’m trapped without him. I also want to be able to call my mum he hasn’t let me do that since we came back. I feel like those are things I need, people I need in order to not feel so…tired,” I answered.

  
“Ok, I’ll talk to him about it see if we can work something out, maybe see if we can get Pat moved to your call list, it’s the list of people you’re allowed to contact while you’re in here. Do you think that would help you?” She asked me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Ok, well let’s go see Dr. Swartzman ok? I’ll be in there with you. You don’t have to be alone with him and we’ll see what we can come up with. What steps we can take to implement a good treatment plan to get you happy and safe at home ok?” She said smiling as we both stood up.

  
I felt bad for this woman. She didn’t seem like a bad person just a misinformed one. She thought she was helping me that she was doing something good to help a poor sick kid when really, she was helping them. Helping them keep their secrets, keep themselves out of trouble.

  
We walked down the hallway and she opened the double doors with her key. We went out into the main hallway and then took a left into what looked like a little waiting room and she knocked on a door in the right corner.

  
“Come in,” He called and just hearing his voice made me freeze up. I didn't want to be in that room with him.

  
I took a deep breath to calm myself and walked into the room. I watched his expression. Somehow, he had managed to make it muted, cold like he didn’t know who I was when he glanced at me quickly and then glanced away before he held out his hand for me to shake it, “My name is Dr. Swartzman you must be John.” He said.

  
“Hi,” I said not taking his hand and sitting down.

  
“Ok, now why are you here John?” Leo asked me.

  
“I tried to kill myself,” I answered not looking at him.

  
“Can you explain why?” He asked me and the tone of his voice sounded like a warning.

  
“I was tired. I have a lot of siblings that I help take care of. I was tired just depressed and tired and it was a mistake and I want to go home,” I answered.

  
“Are you sure that’s all?” He asked.

  
I nodded my head in response.

  
“Ok, we’ll try you on Zoloft, see if that works. We’ll start on a low dose,” he said.

  
“What about his delusional thinking? He seems to have the same delusions as his mother. Thinking his father is abusive,” Liz said looking at Leo frowning.

  
“Well, it could be bipolar psychosis just like his mother. If that’s the case the Zoloft will help the depression side but his mania and delusions will get worse, if that’s not what it is maybe he’ll come to realize that his mind is playing tricks on him because he’s so depressed and he’ll be able to admit his mistake,” Leo said.

  
“Ok, whatever you say I’m going to go grab his chart is it ok if he stays here for a few minutes?” She asked him.

  
“Yeah I don’t have to see anyone else he’s my last one of the morning. I can take him back to the unit if you like,” Leo said still not looking at me, barely looking at her.

  
“That would be great, thanks are you sure it’s no trouble?” She asked him.

  
“Yeah, no trouble at all,” he said, “I just have to finish charting myself. I’ll take him back in a minute.”

  
“Ok thank you Dr,” Liz said before she left, leaving the door cracked. After a minute, he got up and opened it looking out, looking for her before he shut the door and locked it.

  
“You know how much trouble you are in? You’re contracted to me right now I am your handler not your dad me and I like boys who can be good you understand?” Leo hissed at me making me cower where I was still sitting, “You’re so lucky, you’re in a place where they keep track of your bruises otherwise I would beat the shit out of you and fuck you so hard you couldn’t sit for a week.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I barely managed.

  
“Don’t tell me your sorry, show me,” he said coming close to me.

  
I swallowed I knew what he wanted. It wasn’t something I did often wasn’t something I thought I was that good at but, if it got me out of there without him touching me I was ok. I could deal with his dick in my mouth if it meant mine wasn’t in his. I sighed and undid his belt looking up at him as he smiled at me before I took him into my mouth making my tongue probe gently just barely when he started to moan his hand on the back of my head.

  
“That’s it,” he said, “God that mouth is amazing why don’t I use it more often?” He mused.

  
I licked and sucked waiting for him to finish when he told me to stop that, that was enough. I pulled back a droplet of spit connecting us for just a second before I wiped my mouth off. I was just glad he didn’t make me swallow.

  
“Come here,” he said doing up his belt grabbing my arm lightly making me stand, “look at me,” he said cupping my chin with his hand tilting it upward so I was staring into his eyes.

  
I didn’t like what I saw there. That I saw that thought in his eyes they all had. How he wanted me naked how he wanted to touch me in ways I didn’t want to be touched as his thumb pressed into my lower lip causing me to start shaking.

  
“If I had time I’d suck you dry,” he muttered pulling me close to him, “I love the way you taste, I want to bottle it and drink it all the time.” he said before he leaned over and kissed me catching me by surprise as I struggled against him his tongue making its way into my mouth. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I wanted him to stop. I pushed against him as he squeezed my elbow hurting.

  
After he was breathless he pulled away smiling at me, “You need to listen better. You’re mine remember that. Not your Daddy’s. Until that contract is up your mine and will do what I want or you won’t be happy because while Daddy might not hit you that hard and he might use people like me as punishment and people like Hank, I’ll use people like Barren,” he threatened.

  
I started shaking my head vigorously I remembered how badly he had hurt. The things he had done. How painful it was. How he had forced me to scream and bleed and how my body had hurt for days afterward but I had to carry on like I was ok. Like he hadn’t done what he did, “I’ll play doubles too I like doubles.”

  
“W-w-what d-d-d-do y-you want me to do?” I stuttered out.

  
“Nothing yet sweet boy, we’ll wait until you’re out to really play. Come on let me take you back,” he said kissing my cheek before he opened the door.


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's resolve to make it through this hospitalization is already faltering. He misses Pat so desperately he feel like he can't breathe and everything feels like it's falling apart around him. The staff won't leave him alone. He knows when he goes home he's not supposed to have any contact with his best friend and he feels completely and utterly hopeless. Not the mention the fact that the threat of Leo and whatever Leo and his Da are planning to do to him is hanging over his head. He finally breaks a little having a panic attack while on the phone with Pat trying to find some solace. This leads him to being put in isolation where he learns some things about Tony that he wasn't expecting and comes to understand a different prespective on things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 247 to 261 WARNINGS: rape/non-con, mental health issues, talk of possible pedophilia (which is different from being a child molester even though most people don't see it that way). TALK OF ATTEMPTED MURDER of a child non the less.

I hugged my arms around myself as we walked back to the unit but he didn’t touch me. He didn’t even look at me. When he turned the key in the lock he allowed me to push the door open and walk through it on my own leaving me there as he walked back to his office. I went to the day room and sat back down in the chair in the corner that I always sat in. Ignoring the TV that was on playing in the back ground. No one was back from school yet.

  
“Hey,” Mr. Tony said causing me to jump.

  
“You ok?” He asked me concerned with my jumpiness.

  
“I-,” I stopped speaking and just nodded my head.

  
“You can tell me anything you know? No charting just like earlier,” he swore to me.

  
“Dr. Swartzman, I’m contracted to him,” I answered.

  
“They still do those?” Mr. Tony asked and I nodded my head.

  
“When just now?” He asked me.

  
“Last Wednesday before I…,” he cut off my words

  
“He’s why you tried to kill yourself?” He asked.

  
“It’s not…I tried but I can’t…he scares me,” I answered.

  
“You’ve had experiences with him before?” Mr. Tony prodded.

  
I clammed up. I couldn’t talk about that. Him, the car none of it. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I closed my eyes trying to control my breathing and failing horribly. I didn’t want to think about it but I could still feel his hand on my chin, still taste his tongue in my mouth, his skin the way it tasted like something sour mixed with tomatoes.

  
“Ok John,” Mr. Tony said quietly, “You need to calm down I can’t let you have a panic attack here if you can’t calm down I have to send you to the back and Gavin is in the back. None of this is fair to you I know but you need to try and calm yourself down slow deep breaths ok?”

  
I nodded my head trying to focus on his voice, on the TV playing the background. I knew I was shaking, I could feel it especially in my hands that I couldn’t keep still. Once I felt like I was going to be able to keep it together I opened my eyes looking at him.  
“You ok?” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head not sure I could speak. I knew if I said anything I was going to scream and the only one who could stop me from screaming wasn’t there. So, I just sat there and watched my hands shake trying to calm down trying to control it.

  
“You feel like you can’t speak?” He asked me and I nodded my head in response, “Does this happen when one of them…” I didn’t listen to the rest of his sentence knowing what he meant, not caring to nodding my head as hard as I could.

  
He sighed and was quiet for a minute, “That’s what set off the rank racket? Neal did something and they all sensed it on you. Was it last night?”

  
I didn’t look at him I didn’t want to talk about it. I hated that he knew. I hated that they all knew.

  
“Ok, you don’t have to answer I’m not here to make you talk about things you don’t want to talk about but the more closed off you become the longer they will keep you here. The longer you are here, the more you have to deal with them and I know that’s something you don’t want to do. Lunch is going to be soon so stay here, I’ll be able to see you from the desk. You see Gavin stay in this room don’t go anywhere with him tell him I told you to stay where you are because you are on my team today,” Mr. Tony said handing the remote for the TV to me, “Find something to watch but please make sure it’s not Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones.”

  
He walked away leaving me there. I flipped through the channels looking for something interesting and found absolutely nothing. I sat there staring at the TV not sure exactly what I was watching but from what I gathered someone was supposed to be dead but wasn’t and someone else was mad because her husband had a child with another woman and it was just crazy, the whole thing was hard to follow and just seemed completely insane. After a few minutes someone came with a tall cart which I figured was probably lunch and Burgess reappeared followed by Hannah and some of the girls who went to the girl’s side while Burgess joined me in the day room.

  
He sat down and frowned at the TV, “What in the world are you watching?” He asked me.

  
“I have no idea,” I answered looking at him, “How was school?”

  
“So, so,” he answered, “We played a board game because it seems like until next week it’s still considered summer so we’re not expected to do actual work. How was restriction, you sit here and watch TV the whole time?”

  
I shook my head and then realized I was supposed to try and speak, that speaking was good, “I huh saw my doctor. Talked with Mr. Tony a little bit and then well,” I lifted the remote up showing it to him.

  
“Sounds fun,” Burgess said sarcastically.

  
“Yeah it was great, going over my relationship with the one person who cares about me with Mr. Tony was great,” I said.

  
“You have a girlfriend?” Burgess asked intrigued.

  
I smiled and shook my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to start up that rumor being untouchable and all. Especially considering Pat wasn’t a five for all I knew they would think I was forcing him, since he was only a three.

  
“Oh,” Burgess said catching on a little bit, “Do I get a name?”

  
“Nope,” I said.

  
“It’s not unusual you know? To get involved with someone. I mean they usually keep us away from girls so we have to find others ways to …” He moved his hands in this weird circle is brain looking for the right word to use, “distract ourselves. We know we’re not supposed to but we don’t get in nearly as much trouble for it as you guys do, higher I mean.”

  
“You and Dillon?” I asked and he blushed lightly.

  
“Yeah you caught that?” He asked me.

  
“Takes one to know one,” I sighed throwing the remote at him which he caught easily.

  
“Are you going to tell anyone?” He asked me, “If staff here finds out they’ll make us change rooms and I don’t …”

  
“It’s none of my business what you do in your room,” I answered looking at the TV.

  
“Thanks,” he said.

  
“No problem however I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who knows,” I answered.

  
“You mean because he called me by my first name?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

  
“Yes, considering how tight lipped you’ve been about that,” I answered.

  
“Shit,” he said.

  
“And you called him D,” I said trying not to laugh, “Nicknames tend to be a thing I’ve noticed. He calls me Rabbit.”

  
Burgess looked at me, “I think I can see it.”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“How you got the nickname, Rabbits are jumpy, but cute; big eyes but skittish, hence the nickname,” Burgess answered.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “So I’m jumpy how come you aren’t?” I asked.

  
“Enough depo shock probably,” Burgess answered and saw the confused look on my face, “It’s huh, where they restrain you and then cover your ears so you can’t hear anything and your eyes. And then they…So as long as I can either see or hear I’m pretty calm.”

  
I thought back to that night with Will before Pat had stepped in to try and help me. How they had done that to me, how I wasn’t able to tell who was doing what to me how all I could feel was their hands and tongues and lips against my skin as they used me. How I couldn’t even hear what they were saying, how I couldn’t hear anything but my own screaming until they had gagged me.

  
“They’ve done that to you?” He asked watching my face.

  
I didn’t want to talk about that. Why did everything go back to that? Why did that have to rule my life? I didn’t want that to be all I was, all I would ever be. I sighed.

  
Burgess cleared his throat, “So… you and your friend how far have you taken it?” He asked changing the subject.

  
My mouth fell open. He was really asking me that? Someone I barely knew was asking me if I’d had actual sex, consensual sex. I wasn’t ready to be that close and personal with anyone at least not anyone here.

  
“Ok fine, don’t engage. I’m just a giant gossip sorry,” Burgess said.

  
“It’s just…,” I shook my head, “Well. I’m not supposed to see him anymore because my Da suspects so…”

  
“Oh, sorry. So, no questions don’t talk about it type of thing you thinking?” Burgess asked.

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“Honestly you want to know something? The first time I like…did it because I wanted to I was 10,” He said causing my mouth to fall open in shock again, “Hey when it’s all your life is you kind of…don’t see it as a huge deal anymore I guess. A lot of us have similar stories, we were little, someone sold us and here we are.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said.

  
“It’s not your fault you didn’t do it,” Burgess said, “We just had shit parents some people just shouldn’t have kids and we happen to be the kids of those people so…someone wanted us just not the right people again.”

  
“What’s it like?” I asked.

  
“Huh, basically the same as you probably. We get passed around contracted and then re-contracted. I’ve had five dads’ if you can even call them that, I’m supposed to but whatever I don’t imagine real Dad’s do what they do,” Burgess answered my question and then realized he was talking to me, an untouchable someone who was with their real family, their real father, “At least not most I mean…”

  
“Not decent ones you mean,” I replied nodding my head, “I know, I realize he’s not normal that none of it is normal.”

  
“Sorry I didn’t mean to imply that,” Burgess said.

  
“No, it’s ok you’re right,” I said, “I know my Da isn’t normal and I don’t,” I felt like my heart was racing just talking about him thinking about the stuff he made me do. How he was my own flesh and blood and how he claimed his hate for me was love. I knew he lived in his own twisted world but talking about it wasn’t something I wanted to do.

  
“I’m sorry,” Burgess said again looking at me before he turned his attention back to the TV like he didn’t expect me to finish speaking. Not that I had the ability to being at a loss of words, any that I could think of stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth. I just nodded my head and sat there silently waiting for someone to bring in our lunch trays.

  
When the food got there, it didn’t look nearly as bad as it had Tuesday. A handful of chicken nuggets and tater tots with some green beans. Burgess sighed, “I hate chicken.” He said staring at the plate glumly.

  
“I don’t mind it, I have a lot of younger siblings though so chicken nuggets is a common house hold food for me,” I answered looking at my plate.

  
“Did they diagnosis you yet?” He asked.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “If they do does that mean I’m eating with you?”

  
“Yep and any newbies that come in.” He said, “I don’t know food is a big deal. I had this one guy who wouldn’t let me eat anything but oatmeal and he…are you ok John?”

  
“Yeah why?” I asked swallowing slowly knowing that he must have seen my face change, “It’s just my Da before I…well before I ended up here he made me eat a lot of…oatmeal. And I hate it, it reminds me of...”

  
“He did that to you? Your Dad I mean?” Burgess asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah, I huh it was weird,” I answered not feeling very hungry suddenly remembering why he had changed my diet. Because it made things less messy. As he had said.

  
“After Lunch, everyone will come up we can either watch a movie or go to our rooms and read or sleep. Because you’re on restriction they might make you go to your room anyway and if I were you I’d try to get Dom to go with you try to take a nap. Gavin gets grabby if you’re alone. I huh,” Burgess started to stammer, “Just try not to be alone alright?”

  
“You mean he’s going to…?” I shook my head.

  
“John, that’s why we’re here, so they can teach us to never do it again all right? Whatever it is we did to end up here. The only reason I’m not in juvie is because my “Dad” his name is Chase has enough connections to keep me out. That and he apparently wants to deal with me himself for what I did. I don’t know for all I know I’m dead,” Burgess said smiling sadly.

  
“What did you do?” I asked him.

  
“Chase adopted another boy, cute 3 years old. He was already doing things to him. You know bad things. Every time I looked at him I kept thinking how shit my life was, how he didn’t deserve that. How he was better off dead. So, one afternoon while he was down for his nap and Chase was at work I took a pillow and held it over his face,” Burgess said the expression in his eyes almost blank, emotionless, “And I held it there until he quit struggling until I thought he was dead. Chase came in. Just as I was grabbing the gun off the bed so I could…” He gestured pointing his index finger at his temple his thumb up forming a sideways L almost like it was supposed to be a gun, “He beat my until I passed out. Apparently, all I had done was made him unconscious not that I’ve ever tried to actually smother someone to death before so you know, easy mistake I guess. He brought me here. If it’s not Sam here I mean it’s Gavin or its Levi, Dr. Larkin sometimes even. At least once every day at home it was starting to slow down. Apparently, I’m getting too old and he’ll pass me on soon.”

  
“You really tried to kill a kid?” I asked having a hard time imagining Burgess trying to kill anyone.

“Eli,” Burgess answered, “I couldn’t leave him like that. I had to save him, I had to try and the only way I could think of to it was to… Needless to say it didn’t really accomplish anything and I regret it.”

  
“I have little brothers,” I said, “One of them is two. I can’t imagine killing him even if it was to try and save him.”

  
“Yeah but I’m assuming because your dad is actually your dad he listens to you sometimes, right? That makes it easier,” Burgess said, “I can’t tell Chase to do or not do a damn thing I have no way to convince him of anything.”

  
“He pretends to,” I answered, “If I’m…” I exhaled deeply the words getting stuck because they were too hard to say if I was good if I obeyed, if I did what he wanted?

  
“So, if you…he stays away from them?” Burgess asked me.

  
I opened my mouth to speak and found myself unable to for a minute. Did I really want a stranger knowing this even if he was like me? Even if he life was similar to mine?

  
“Mostly,” I answered, “He keeps other people away from them for the most part because he’s not interested in them really he’s more interested in…”

  
“Oh, John the way you’re talking you sound like you’re having trouble breathing,” Burgess said, “So I think we need to change the subject ok? If you go off Gavin will take you in the back and... you don’t want to deal with Gavin.”

  
“I’ve dealt with Sam and Neal and Leo so far so what the fuck is one more?” I asked trying to shrug my shoulders.

  
“Leo?” Burgess questioned.

  
“Dr. Swartzman,” I said.

  
“I’m sorry,” Burgess said and I saw the look flash in his face. The look that meant he knew.

  
I sighed and nodded, “They can’t be worse than that, right? Gavin and Levi?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know it depends I guess, what you hate. They talk to each other take notes, they know what bothers you,” Burgess answered, “They’ll use it. Whatever it is they’ll use it to break you. To make sure you never try whatever landed you here again.”  
“I figured that out already, what does Dom usually do during free time?” I asked.

  
“Usually a movie with everyone else who’s allowed to. Terminator marathon this week and he seems happy about it. You can ask Mr. Tony if he’ll let you stay up but this is only your first full day so you’ll probably be on restriction until you see your doctor tomorrow. He’s your friend though I’m sure if you ask Dom he’ll stay in your room with you.”

  
I thought about the last time we were alone in a room with a brotherhood member together how well that had gone for us a hand shoved down my pants trying to keep Dom safe from being abused how I knew Dom would probably do the same thing for me. I shook my head I wasn’t going to do that him. He was my friend the only friend that I really seemed to have outside of Pat and Cole. The only friend who was really in it, there for me without that heated tension that Pat and I had that made me melt whenever I thought about him. I couldn’t do that to what was probably my best friend. I wouldn’t.

  
“That never goes well,” I said not caring to elaborate and Burgess didn’t ask as we heard the door open as everyone else decided to come back into the Unit Josh amongst them even though I didn’t remember seeing him leave isolation.

  
“Ok everyone,” Gavin said, “It’s free time and Mr. Tony has some stuff to do so I’m in charge if you are on restriction you need to go to your room. Take a nap read a book, I don’t care. And today for the movie Terminator 2: Judgement day for those of you interested in watching who are allowed to. Johnathan go to your room.”

  
I sighed and stood up leaving to go to my room as I noticed a sneer or two turn in my direction. Tyler and Eric really didn’t seem to like me. Being untouchable I understood why but it wasn’t my fault I was what I was. It wasn’t my fault because I had no choice in my life.

  
I sighed and went to my room trying to lay down trying to relax and not think of what was going to happen, what Gavin was going to do once he got the chance. I waited my eyes closed hoping if he thought I was asleep when he came in he wouldn’t bother me. I was wrong like I was always wrong. I heard the door close and I flinched, jumping out of my skin.

  
Please god no was all I could think as I felt him sit down at the foot of my bed, “He’s right you are like an angel,” He said causing my eyes to snap open knowing he was talking about Neal’s nick name for me as he reached up and grabbed my knee squeezing it lightly.

  
“What do you want?” I asked him.

  
I felt like I was done fighting them, begging them to stop. I just wanted to be able to give him what he wanted so he would leave me alone. So, I could have even a second of peace where I didn’t feel like someone was dragging their nails over my skin.  
“You,” he said rubbing my knee through my blanket as he shifted his weight forward so he was leaning beside me. I could see it in his face. He wanted to kiss me. I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I could deal with certain things but that wasn’t one of them and neither was the other thing that I was pretty sure he wanted.

  
“It’s ok, I won’t hurt I promise.” he whispered getting up and pulling back my blankets sitting back on the bed beside me, his upper body over mine pinning my arms to the mattress above my head by my wrist so I couldn’t sit up.

  
I felt my face flush as I struggled to swallow. Maybe I was wrong about what I wanted? That when they weren’t touching me I was ok with the idea of it happening but once they put their hands on me I changed my mind. I always panicked and decided I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t stand the feeling of them on my skin, violating me like that.

  
“You’re beautiful,” he said again leaning closer his chest up against mine before he pressed his lips to my lips forcing me to kiss back; forcing his tongue into my mouth which tasted like warm orange soda and something else like a mixture between almonds and onion.

  
I pushed back against him, trying to get him off of me. “God no, please no”. Was all I could think as one of his hands slid the hem of my shirt up touching my bare stomach. He continued touching me, sliding his hand down to the waist band of my pants shifting his grip so both of my wrists were in one of his hands as he held them in place causing the bones to press together as he used his body weight to pin me to the stiff mattress under us.

  
“No, no no,” I pleaded as he broke the kiss.

  
“It’s ok, I’m just into kissing…kissing everywhere,” he said kissing down the side of my neck, “Your skin tastes sweet.” He muttered into my skin pulling my shirt up hastily exposing my chest as wriggled to free my arms in an attempt to keep my shirt down.

  
I bucked my hips wiggling and fighting as hard as I dared. I wasn’t ok with this. Why did he think this was ok?

  
“No Angel. No. Just relax, don’t fight ok?” Gavin said his one hand finally leaving my wrists as he pulled my shirt up over my face trying to get it over my head.

  
“Stop,” I begged as his mouth moved to my chest, his hands still prying at me, still exploring and sliding over my skin gently making me shiver. Not being able to see what he was doing because of my shirt obstructing my view made it that much harder to breathe as his hands kept sliding lower and lower finally undoing the snaps on my pants pulling them down my thighs.

  
“NO!” I said loudly as he kissed against my hip before he stopped.

  
“You get loud I’ll take you to isolation you want that? Or do you want to stay here because I can do more in back ask Josh, ask anyone.” He warned me.

  
I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking. I just wanted him off of me. I didn’t want to do this with him. I didn’t want anyone touching me but Pat.

  
This wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that they all got to do this to me and make me feel like shit. That they were allowed to do whatever they wanted and I wasn’t allowed to have anything, I wasn’t allowed to have someone care. I wasn’t allowed comfort, I wasn’t even allowed death. I wasn’t allowed anything.

  
I grabbed my shirt and pulled it up over my head so I could see him, hoping that would alleviate some of my fear, some of the panic I was feeling as his tongue slid down the center of my chest making it feel slimy. I squirmed and I heard him sigh happily, the feeling of the huff leaving his nose tickling my skin. I felt my chest heaving as I tried to keep myself breathing knowing that this was better than the alternative. That this was better than being in the back room where he would have me trapped for hours when I knew that this had to end at some point sooner rather than later while in the back it was hard to tell time at all.

  
He started licking his way back down my body as I shoved my own shirt in my mouth biting down hard. Because I didn’t want to make noise. His tongue made the tingling in my body spread from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. Whatever the fuck he was doing he was setting my nervous system on fire his hands on my hips as he finally licked his way all the way down a gasp escaping from my shirt as I shuddered. When his mouth reached my penis, my eyes were already starting to roll, my brain feeling ashamed my heart beating like it was going to explode and my body beyond my control.

  
“Not, yet angel. Not yet,” he said stopping taking hands off of me, “I want to taste you for real ok? All of you,” he said pulling my legs apart so he could lay between them, so he could suckle me like my Da had done so many times before.

  
It didn’t take him long. To get me to reach the point where I could no longer hold on and I ended up clenching my jaw hard together to keep myself from screaming a little moan/hum escaping as I finished into his mouth and he swallowed as he used my hips as handles to push himself up and off of me the sensation almost feeling like his fingers were burning me.

  
“God, Neal was right I think you’re my new favorite Angel,” he commented, “I bet you feel and taste this good on the inside too, don’t you?”

  
I felt like my heart stopped. I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me anymore. He smiled at me kissing my cheek as I pushed at him trying to push him away.

  
I didn’t think I could stand him sticking his tongue there too. The way I knew it would make my face go hot the way my face still felt hot his one hand tracing my brand in the dim room. I tensed waiting to see what he would do, waiting to breathe.  
“It’s ok Angel, I’ll wait until later ok? Right now I’m going to leave you to it since you have half an hour left and the movie is about over so I need to go back,” he said kissing my lips and getting up quickly, “Your dad should be visiting today after life skills, which I think I might let Tony lead because I’m going to be very,” He licked his lips still looking at me, “very distracted.”

  
I swallowed pulling my pants back up and grabbing my shirt from beside my head before I threw it back on my body. God, I hated this. I couldn’t even take a sink bath to get him off of my skin because I didn’t have a wash cloth or any paper towel but I went into the bathroom anyway. I splashed water on my face and took my clothes back off so I could splash some hot water onto the different parts of my body where I felt like he was sticking to me.

  
I kept trying to wash myself off but my whole body was shaking and I felt like I was on fire. I felt gross, like there was hot jello under my skin that just kept wiggling around making me feel sick. I didn’t hear him knock as he opened the door making us both jump.

  
“SHIT DOM I’M NAKED!” I shouted as I shot him a look just in time to see his face turn red as he shut the door.

  
“Sorry I didn’t think you’d be… what are you doing anyway?” He asked through the door.

  
“Washing myself off so I’m not…,” I trailed off and sighed as I pulled my clothes back on, my stupid uniform that made me feel like I was in some kind of prison instead of a hospital.

  
I heard Dom mutter something from the other side of the door under his breath before he sighed, “Are you ok? It’s phone time really quick I can call Pat for you now if you like.”

  
“That’d be nice, thanks,” I answered.

  
“Ok, I’ll call come out when you’re done,” Dom said.

  
I finished getting dressed and making sure I was decent before I opened the door. I walked down the hall and found Ron on the one phone with Dom on the other, his back turned to me.

  
“It’s bad man, it’s really bad they won’t let up. He’s having tremors or something like he’s fucking epileptic. I think it’s because he’s crawling out of his skin because they don’t leave him alone,” Dom muttered as I came up to him and cleared my throat causing him to turn around, “Yeah, here he is.” He said handing the phone over.

  
“Hey Rabbit,” Pat said quietly into the phone, “How are you doing?”

  
“Apparently, I have tremors,” I said flexing my hand noticing that he was right, I did have tremors. It seemed like my hands almost never stopped shaking.

  
“That doesn’t tell me how you are doing, how are you feeling? Are things ok there? Are you getting any rest? A break from everything?” Pat asked me.

  
“He’s my doctor Pat, no I’m not getting a break. Four almost five times and I’ve been here just about 24 hours. This is worse than it was there where it was three times a day.” I said trying to keep myself calm.

  
I heard him sigh heavily, “How are you doing with that?” He asked me.

  
“If I wasn’t in here for trying to kill myself already you mean? They are so…fuck,” I swore starting to cry.

  
“Oh Rabbit,” Pat said and I could hear the pain in his voice, “If I could I would do anything to get you out of there.”

  
“I know I just, promise me you’ll try to be there when I get out?” I asked.

  
“I’ll try to be. You know I will.” His voice got really quiet, “I love you.”

  
I heard some laughter in the back ground on the other side of the phone and then, “Oh bunny I lllllovvveeeee yyyyoouuu so much I want to touch you, I want to kiss you, I want to grab your…”

  
“Cole, will you stop it!” I heard Pat moan putting his hand over the receiver, “He’s had a little too much fun with some party favors.” He said speaking to me.

  
“Party favors?” I asked confused.

  
“He popped something,” Pat clarified, “Delia is having a party and we’re invited. Cole thinks it’s a good idea to get me out of the house and get away from Dad and Gus, all of that.”

  
“Oh,” I answered thinking of Delia there with him. Of Delia being there to play spin the bottle with him, seven minutes in heaven, her hands being on his ribs where mine should be, her lips on his. The thought killed me a little inside. If I wasn’t already convinced I was half dead I would have allowed it to kill me. Maybe she was better for him.

  
“Look I’m going for him I’m not going to go see Delia. I don’t want anything to do with her. He just thinks if I don’t spend some time out away from the house I’m going to become a shut in,” Pat said.

  
“Ok,” I said.

  
“Rabbit come on please believe me,” Pat begged.

  
“No I do I just…I want to go home,” I said finally not able to hold back my tears anymore, “I’ll take it all if they just let me go home. I don’t want all of them touching me anymore. I’m so tired Pat and I feel like without you I’m dying and I can’t do this anymore; I can’t be here anymore. I don’t want this. I want you.”

  
“Rabbit, oh no Rabbit,” Pat said I heard his voice breaking, “Please don’t cry please, god damn it. I hate this. I hate what they are doing to you. Rabbit please, please hold on ok? Don’t break I’m right here when you get out, don’t break please I’m begging you.”

  
He kept saying as I sat on the floor under the phone crying rocking back and forth. I felt like I couldn’t do this. Like I couldn’t have another one of them touch me but I knew my Da was on his way there. That he was going to rape me if I was left alone with him. That he was going to do the same things all of them were doing. That he was going to touch me like he shouldn’t touch me.

  
“Ok kid I can’t leave you here to cry,” Mr. Tony said above me, “Let me have the phone John.”

  
I kept crying shaking my head clutching the receiver as hard as I could.

  
“Rabbit please, calm down don’t give them an excuse to get you alone, please my love, my wonderful sweet Rabbit please,” I heard Pat say on the other end trying to keep his voice steady.

  
“Come on Johnathan I need you to hand me the phone ok? I need you to give me the phone and for you to calm down otherwise I’m going to have to take you to isolation,” Mr. Tony said quietly standing over me still.

  
“John, Rabbit don’t you dare let him take you to isolation, ok? Please don’t let him do that you need to calm down,” Pat begged me.

  
“No,” I shook my head looking at Mr. Tony, “Please no.”

  
“John, give me the phone now,” He said sternly as I finally let him take the phone away before he put it to his ear. “Hello? Who is this? Ah, all right. Yeah, I know. I know I’m doing what I can it’s just… yeah. Ok. No, I have to take him back until he calms down. Ok, yeah, I got it.” He said hanging up the phone.

  
“Come on, let’s go take a break in the back ok?” He said as I hugged my knees to my chest. He sighed heavily at me, “Ok John, listen to me. If I can’t get you back there on my own I have to call up Gavin and have him bring you back there and from talking to Josh earlier…”

  
I nodded my head and slowly climbed to my feet. I didn’t want Gavin near me again not after what he had done. Especially because I still felt dirty him having left me without some way to really wash him off of my skin. I could still feel him too, which was why I wanted Pat so badly. Because Pat didn’t have to touch me there to make the feeling of someone else doing it go away he just had to hold me to tell me I was ok and then magically I was.

  
I stood up and Tony took me to the back where the padded room was and let me in it, where I sat down. He stood over me and sighed heavily making me shiver. I didn’t want him standing over top of me like that. Feeling his presence so much bigger and stronger than my own making me feel intimidated.

  
He sat down, the other wall to his back using it to lean against, “You want to tell me why you started freaking out?”

  
“I want to go home, I’m tired of…” I shook my head.

  
“Being back here isn’t a good way to avoid that just so you know. Here it’s easier for them to get you alone at least out there you have a chance,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“And where is that? In my fucking room while he…” I quit talking again shaking my head.

  
“Gavin?” He asked and when I didn’t move I heard him swear under his breath, “Ok. Alright I’ll see if I can get him to keep his hands to himself.”

  
“It’s not his hands that I’m so worried about,” I muttered and I swore I could see Tony’s complexion go red in the dim light of the room.

  
“Can I ask what he did?” He asked me. “You’re untouchable and you’re contracted there are still rules they have to abide by and obviously, some of them aren’t if they are using more than just hands.”

  
“So, they aren’t allowed to...?” I swallowed.

  
“They aren’t allowed to penetrate you, no. That’s because we don’t have condoms in here, if they did that we’re going to have retest you. Did they …?” He made a hand gesture.

  
“Sam did and Neal,” I answered.

  
“Did you bleed? It increases any risk of…” I cut off his words.

  
“With Sam, the first time yeah,” I answered.

  
“Ok, I’ll set up the nurse to draw your blood tomorrow morning,” Mr. Tony said, “What did Gavin do?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that, think about that. “Are there showers in these rooms?” I asked.

  
“Yeah there’s a shower in the bathroom why?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Can I use it?” I asked thinking of how nice it would feel to not have the feel of his mouth on my penis, on my body anymore.

  
Mr. tony didn’t say anything but nodded his head in response, “I’ll bring you a towel,” He said.

  
“Thank you,” I answered.

  
“I’m assuming there was some mouth and tongue involved?” He asked and I shivered, “Ok, all right. I don’t know how you feel about that but for me personally; that was always worse than…the anal. So, I usually figure it’s the same for most guys. I understand completely why you would want to shower after… after that.”

  
“It’s just sticky it’s like I can…still feel what they are doing and I don’t like it,” I answered, “So I kind of just want to shower and get the feeling gone.”

  
“I’ll be back, I don’t have anything you can block the door with so just be really quiet. If one of them does come in make sure you stay in the water. If they touch you and they get themselves wet in the process of trying to, I can get them on misconduct ok?” He said and I nodded my head.

  
He left the room shutting the door behind him while I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I really wanted a real shower to get him off my skin. Once I got in the shower I started to feel calmer ever though I was still missing Pat. I desperately missed Pat. I couldn’t stand missing him it was like missing air. I still remember that feeling.

  
Every little sound made me jump and every time I closed my eyes I saw one of them. Felt them. I was tired of them. I just wanted to go home because at least that meant it was just the usual people I was used to maybe less, maybe just Da and Leo instead of Da and Leo and Uncle Ben and Hank and Arthur and the Leader and Tony and whoever else wanted a chance unless there was a party. At least they didn’t call me Angel even if they still called me beautiful and many of the other things were the same. At least Hank hurt and Uncle Ben. At least it wasn’t all gentle and slow. At least it didn’t always kill me inside when I couldn’t control my body because it was mixed with pain instead of me fighting myself.

  
The door opened and I held my breath. “Hey it’s me,” Tony said, “I have a towel. You can skip a shower tonight and tomorrow morning if you think that will help.”

  
“Thanks,” I answered finishing rinsing off and then stepping out to grab the towel. I noticed him staring at me. That look in his eyes for a nano second causing me to close the curtain quickly my heart stopping. “Get out.” I hissed.

  
“I—I sorry John I didn’t mean it like that I-I… I just,” Tony took a deep breath, “I’m going to close the bathroom door ok? All right? Cool.” He said before closing the door loudly.

  
I waited a minute taking a deep breath. He had been so nice he wasn’t really thinking that, was he? I knew that look. I knew that look so well I could sense it without seeing it and someone who seemed like such a good person had given it to me. Why on earth did I live in a world where it was ok to look at me like that? I felt attacked just seeing that look in his eyes. I got dressed and opened the door and he was sitting there his head in his hands eyes closed breathing deeply. I sat down sitting opposite of him.

  
“Sorry kid,” Tony breathed without looking at me, “Sorry I don’t usually…”

  
“You know what I saw right?” I asked him hugging my knees to my chest.

  
“Yeah, it was just a flash, just barely. You have to understand what living like this does to you,” He said slowly, “Sometimes the…they brain wash you into having that urge ok? I will never EVER let myself act on it but it’s there. Not for everyone but for me, it’s there and I can’t tell you why but I will never never do anything like what they did to me.” He said still not looking at me. I could tell he was near tears, “I am so so sorry that will never happen again ok? Never.”

  
I thought about it for a minute. It made sense. Wanting to do those things after having them done so often to you. Being told over and over and over that they were normal even though you knew logically that wasn’t right. It made sense that the thought would cross your mind. Hurting someone like that, “It’s ok.” I answered.

  
“Are you scared of me now?” He asked me slowly looking up at me.

  
“No,” I answered, “Obviously, it’s …are you gay?” I asked.

  
“I don’t…I’m celibate,” Tony answered me honestly, “For reasons I have accidentally made very obvious to you I think. If I was going to be intimate though? Probably.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head thinking how that made sense. Why he would look at me like that if he was attracted to guys. I mean, seeing anyone naked that you found slightly attractive might make you subconsciously give them that look. That look like you were imagining them, doing things with them and maybe not just to them.

  
For a minute, I felt almost desperate to offer him something, to ask him if I did things with him willingly if he would protect me from the others. I knew I couldn’t though. That it would be a bad idea. That maybe it would be too much temptation for him and maybe that’s why he really worked here. Because they knew just like he did it wouldn’t take much for him to become one of them.

  
“Are you going to tell?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to ruin this guy’s life. For all I knew they would put him somewhere else somewhere worse where it got the point he couldn’t say no if I said anything. That wasn’t a place anyone deserved to be. I knew that feeling well enough. I knew that not being allowed to not say no, knowing it wasn’t a right you had did things to your health. That it killed you inside.

  
“I won’t do that again ok?” He promised me.

  
“I believe you,” I answered.

  
“Good,” He said still not really looking at me, “Let’s get you to group, ok?”

  
“Ok, can I ask you something?” I asked him.

  
“You mean something else?” Mr. Tony said smiling still not looking at me directly, “Yes.”

  
“What did he say to you?” I asked him, “The guy on the phone I mean.”

  
“He said to make sure that if you did have to come back here it wasn’t with one of them,” He answered, “That I need to protect you. That I need to do better by you.”

  
“Oh,” I said nodding my head.

  
That was my Pat. Always worried about me. Always telling people they needed to take care of me. I wasn’t stupid I knew he had told Will the same thing, that him and Will talked when I wasn’t there. I smiled lightly thinking about it, how much he cared about me.

  
“It’s your friend, right? He sounded a little young to be anyone else,” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“He seems like a good friend,” Mr. Tony said, “I won’t tell anyone ok?”

  
“Thanks,” I answered standing up using the wall to help me get to my feet.

  
I watched him closely waiting to see that look draw across his face again but, it didn’t. Not even a hint of it. I wasn’t sure I felt safe with him anymore but I knew I felt safer with him then I did with any of the others. He walked me back out the day room.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's Da comes for a family meeting and ends up having a run in with Dr. Huntz. He ends up in an uncomfortable posistion during social issues group where they end up talking about rape because you know that's a social issue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 261 to 292 almost in the 300's will probably work on posting another chapter. I usually reread what is already written which can take a while and then go through it again fixing pharasing and snytax and than yet again doing grammar and trying to make sure I get spelling (sometimes spell check doesn't work) so that's like 2 or more hours depending on how long the chapter is just for editing. Editing actually takes a lot of work. However I do enjoy the comments even if it's pointing out that I have spelling errors so tell me all about those errors and tell me about our boys of course and your options. Like someone pointed out that things feel repetivite and I know right now they kind of are but trust me it changes.  
> Warnings: RAPE/NON-CON, mental health issues, Eating disorder, talk of anxiety, talk of past abuse

Gavin was standing there handing out a paper and as I walked into the room he gave me the same look but made it so obvious that I heard Josh snort and everyone started muttering amongst themselves as I looked at the room wondering where I should sit before I saw the seat that Dom had empty next to him and sat down careful to make a wide circle around Gavin so that I could stay as far away from him as possible. Gavin walked up to me and handed me the paper his hand reluctant to leave it as I took it into my own.

  
“Put it back in your pants you perv,” Josh said loudly.

  
“You really want to go into the back again Josh?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“You can’t tell me you don’t see that,” Josh replied looking at Mr. Tony.

  
“Josh, calm down ok?” Mr. Tony replied and Josh nodded his head like he trusted Mr. Tony, trusted that he knew what Josh was talking about and what was going on.

  
I looked down at the sheet of paper as Gavin finally let go of his side of it, “How important it is to sleep,” read the title of the page.

  
Ron looked at the page and frowned, “Sleep? You know where I live when I’m not… “working” for lack of a better word, it’s not some place you want to sleep.”

  
“Yeah,” Troy sighed, “Why is this a topic?”

  
“Because, gentlemen sleep is important. If you aren’t getting sleep you aren’t rested. If you aren’t rested your health suffers. If your physical health suffers, your mental health suffers and then you end up feeling suicidal and you end up here,” Gavin rambled waving one of the work sheets around in the air excitedly.

  
“Maybe we wouldn’t feel suicidal if people would quit sticking their…” Tyler started to say before Gavin cut him off.

  
“That’s enough. If you all want to really talk about that save it for later. Because we’re going to talk about date rape later with the girls and I think comments like that would be better suited for that conversation,” Gavin answered.

  
“Fuck no,” Josh said shaking his head, “Nope, not happening.”

  
“What you want to talk about here without the girls but not with them? You afraid of how they will see you? No longer big handsome older smarter Josh but just some poor boy who got touched bad one too many times?” Gavin mocked him.

  
“Excuse me? Did you say that when I came here two years ago?” Josh said, “When you came into my room during break time and you pulled down my pants and you…” Josh said rolling his eyes clenching the sides of his chair trying to hide the fact he was shaking with anger.

  
“Gavin,” Mr. Tony warned, “You need to let up. This isn’t appropriate.”

  
“You’re really letting them disrespect me? Really Tony?” Gavin asked, “This is my group to felicitate and you’re going to let them treat me like that?”

  
“No Gavin but, you need to talk to Hannah and Karrie and change the topic for tonight’s social issues group so if you could please do that while I take over here that would be great,” Mr. Tony answered.

  
“I didn’t choose the topic they did,” Gavin answered.

  
“Well, get them to change it, you want to really go there? Fix it,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“All right fine,” Gavin answered, “I’ll be back guys, Mr. Tony is going to take over.” Gavin left the room.

  
“Ok let’s talk about why we have problems sleeping,” Mr. Tony said, “Josh?”

  
“Nightmares,” Josh answered simply looking at his feet his hands still gripping the sides of his chair.

  
“Ok,” Mr. Tony answered, “Is there any way that someone can share with the group that might help them deal with the nightmares?”

  
“I listen to music sometimes,” Ron answered, “Sometimes the same song on repeat it just…cancels it out.”

  
“Does that work well?” Josh asked curious.

  
“Sometimes.” Ron answered, “It has to be one with a good hook usually that’s catchy. That way my brain holds onto it.”

  
“I read before bed,” Troy said, “Same book, same chapter every night before I go to bed. It’s a newish book Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone. I read the first chapter after I read the one I was on. It’s the boy who lived that’s the name of the chapter. I don’t know why but it helps me.”

  
“I’ve heard of that book,” Dillon said, “Is it any good?”

  
“Well,” Troy said, “it’s about this boy who he has this horrible life, man. Like his parents died and so he had to go live with his Aunt and Uncle and they keep him in a cupboard under the stairs and make him sleep there. They don’t treat him very well and sometimes when he gets mad and stuff these weird things happen so they kind of hate him for it. And then just, like one day this letter comes addressed to him like even saying the he lives in the cupboard under the stairs and his Uncle takes it away before he can read it and gets rid of it. However, because it didn’t get it, more and more copies of the letter show up until they are driven from the house because they really don’t want his to get this letter, right? Finally, the people sending the letter send a person after him to find him and it turns out Harry that’s the kids name, is a wizard. And it’s about him entering this world where he can control things, he has a destiny and is famous and rich and he has people who care about him. So, he ends up going away to this school where he’s like pretty famous and it’s about these crazy adventures he has with his friends he makes at school. It’s actually really cool.”

  
“It sounds pretty cool,” Dom commented and I nodded my head.

  
“There’s this old like headmaster guy and I don’t know, he’s like cool. He says a lot of cool things. One thing he says I can’t remember the real quote but it’s something like “It doesn’t not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live,” Troy said.

  
“He also says a person can never have enough socks,” Burgess said smiling.

  
“Well man have you ever ran out of socks?” Troy asked, “It’s a bitch in the winter I’m telling you what.”

  
“Yes, actually I have and I see your point,” Burgess said.

  
“Anyone else have any suggestions?” Mr. Tony asked, “John what do you do about nightmares?”

  
I smiled thinking of it, “When I was little I would usually wake up and I used to build a castle. A place where nothing bad could get to me. I taught it to James, my little brother when…” I shook my head thinking of it, “I would pick out every detail I could think of. It’s an old trick I used a couple times for different reasons.”

  
“For them?” Troy asked me.

  
He didn’t need to elaborate. We all knew who they were. I just nodded my head. It had gotten harder as I had gotten older to use that trick but when I was little it had worked so well. I’m still not sure what changed other than my body, my mind maturing getting older, more trapped in an adult world with adult worries and obligations.

  
“What are other reasons people might have trouble sleeping?” Mr. Tony asked, “Please don’t be graphic if it’s something of that nature try to choose your language carefully I’m sure you can find a politically correct way to put things.” Mr. Tony added looking at Josh.

  
“I am not a politician. I will not lie. I tell it like it is,” Josh answered.

  
“And while we all enjoy how truthful you are I am just saying be delicate with your words Josh,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“Anxiety,” Burgess said.

  
“Anything help you with that?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Not really, sometimes I try and count in my head, or turn on a fan, listen to the furnace or the washer and dryer running,” Burgess answered.

  
“I have trouble sleeping often. I have medication for it though otherwise I don’t think I’d sleep at all,” Dom said.

  
“Why is that?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
Dom pursed his lips together for a second thinking, “Well, a lack of personal space and restricted movement.”

  
“What?” Troy asked.

  
“He means he usually has a…” Josh stopped speaking as Mr. Tony shot him a look, “What I mean is usually he’s being held very tightly?”

  
“Da,” Dom said nodding his head.

  
“Yeah, it’s…it feels almost like a snake coiling around you, squeezing you. It’s very stressful,” I said.

  
“I can’t say I’ve ever had that problem,” Tyler said.

  
“Be glad because he’s right it’s…unbearable,” Dom said.

  
Eric snorted, “Like the five knows anything about what our lives are like?”

  
“Eric don’t start again or I will throw you in isolation, he can’t help that he was born into the family he was born into ok?” Mr. Tony warned.

  
“He really thinks cuddling is that horrible? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have someone that cared that much about me,” Eric hissed looking at me.

  
“They don’t do it because they fucking care Eric. They do it because they know how bad it hurts ok?” Dom said looking at him, “They do it because they know it makes you hate yourself.”

  
“Your defending him? His 100,000-dollar ass? Bitch please, how much are you worth a night?”

  
“No numbers ok that’s it! I’m not sitting here and watching you tear each other apart. You are all in the same boat. It doesn’t matter who is worth how much money you think any one of you is really any better off than anyone else? Eric, you might be the bottom of the food chain but that doesn’t mean John is your enemy, trust me. Now you need to stop trying to pick a fight with him. Does he look threatening to you at all? Look at him, he’s a kid Eric just like you. Hell, he’s at least three years younger than you are so why does he intimidate you?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“He doesn’t man, all right? Just like it’s bullshit that because he’s got a sweet little white ass and he’s with his real dad he’s worth that much to these perverts,” Eric said looking at me, “I’m not saying it’s his fault but he could share a bit of that cash he gets if he wanted to.”

  
I felt like I had been hit by a boulder. He thought that I saw any of that money? He thought they paid me to have sex with them. That was sick.

  
“I don’t see any of it,” I said looking at him, “That’s is what it’s about for you, money? You can have all the fucking money because you know what? I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. I would rather it was some strange dude who brought me off my parents or stole me from somewhere then my own Da, the person who is supposed to actually care about me. The person who once did care about me and now he just…” I shook my head, “You will never understand how hard it is to breathe when the one person you’re supposed to be able to trust to protect you is the one hurting you.”

  
“Like we don’t have family problems?” Troy said, “Our parents did hurt us that’s why we are where we are.”

  
“He’s not saying it’s worse, he’s just saying it’s different,” Dom said, “It’s…until you’ve been there with someone who…,” Dom paused and closed his eyes, “Who knows how to make it hurt without hitting you, you can’t understand it.”

  
“Wait,” Eric said his face a mixture of disgust and shock, “Are you saying you get off on it?”

  
“What? No, that’s not what I said,” Dom answered quickly.

  
“You do. Don’t you? I mean yeah sometimes they find a spot that feels nice but I don’t usually like it like it. Sometimes it just happens but the way you are making it sound is like you know... that’s just sick,” Eric sneered.

  
“Eric enough, isolation now!” Mr. Tony barked pointing at the door.

  
“Come on man!” Eric said, “I was just asking a question!”

  
“No, you weren’t you were making judgements which is something no one in the room has the right to do nor needs to hear from anyone else so isolation now!” Mr. Tony said, “You guys have 10 minutes before visitation I need John and Ron to stay in the day room because you both have family meetings today with your parents and social workers so come back here guys. Don’t ask me what movie is going on Hannah is in charge of that today.”

  
Everyone stood up and stretched leaving the room slowly one at a time. I sat there. If my family was coming, did that mean my mum would be at the meeting with my social worker too? That I would finally get to see her after nearly three weeks of being home after nearly three weeks of constantly being on edge and wishing I could see her, talk to her cry in her arms about how unfair all of it was? The thought made me nervous thinking of the medication they had probably put her on, how she wouldn’t be herself. I sighed and looked around noticing that Dom was the only other person in the room.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
He nodded his head not really looking at anything, “I don’t know why I tried to explain it. I should have known he wouldn’t get it. He’s a one all ones are treated just about the same hardly ever do their handlers treat them nicely. A lot of the people with ones are all about the pain, not like…” Dom trailed off.

  
“He just doesn’t get it, there’s nothing wrong with you,” I said looking at him.

  
“If you were looking at your own reflection would you say the same thing?” Dom asked me looking into my eyes.

  
“That’s different,” I answered.

  
“How is that any different?” Dom asked, “You know exactly what I’m talking about when I say sometimes it hurts worse when they don’t hit. When they say those things when they’re above you and they’re making you look into their faces and they’re…”  
“Could we not?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Yeah,” Dom nodded his head, “Yeah sorry.”

  
“It’s ok I just I have to go and sit in a room with him shortly apparently so I really don’t want to have to think about it if I don’t have to,” I explained.

  
“No, I get it, it’s fine I’m sorry,” Dom said.

  
I felt bad. I felt guilty that he had been so close to telling me what it felt like even though I knew, that he had been so close to opening up in a way that he never had before and I had shut him down because I couldn’t deal with it in the moment. Because I knew I had to go sit in a room with my Da where he would probably want to hug me and where if he was alone with me he’d want to kiss me and touch me in ways that no father should want to touch his son, his child regardless of their gender.

  
“I’m going to go and use the bathroom, if you have to go I’d go now because they’ll take you to the offices for your meeting, no bathrooms down that way,” Dom said, “Good luck.”

  
“Thanks,” I responded.

  
I didn’t want to see my Da but I wanted desperately to see my mum. I had missed her so much and she had to know things weren’t going well for us at home especially for me. I still remembered the hallway the way her eyes had flashed with fearful understanding when she had walked up to us alone. How she had seen the look in his eyes, how she knew. I didn’t want to be without her. Without her and Pat I felt terribly alone.

  
I sat there and waited with Ron as everyone else got up and moved around getting their things or using the bathroom. I felt anxious. Tony came and got me and Ron and we left the unit silently walking down the hall to where Liz my social worker and another person were waiting.

  
“Hi,” Liz said smiling at me, “Your dad is here for your family meeting.”

  
“And my mum?” I asked hoping the answer would be yes.

  
“Well, you know your mum is already here but I don’t think it would be a good idea at this time for you two to see each other. Your mom is still struggling with her delusions a little bit but, the medication seems to be helping so, hopefully soon. However, once you start medication tomorrow if you start feeling better you’ll be out in no time,” Liz said smiling hopefully at me, “So it’s just you and your Dad today but that’s ok. I’ll take you to him and then I have to go grab some files and talk to some people and then I’ll be back. So, you two will have some time to catch up,” She said as Tony used the key to let us out of the unit and we started walking down the hall.

  
I didn’t want to be alone with him. I wanted to tell her that but, she thought my mum’s delusions were that my Da was a bad person and she thought I shared those same delusions with her. So, I figured it was best not to say anything at all. She opened a door and there he was, sitting in a chair just waiting and when the door opened he looked up and smiled at me.

  
“Hi,” He said standing looking at Liz and extending his hand, “I’m Connor, John’s Da.”

  
“I’m Liz I’m his social worker, I have to go grab somethings and I’ll be back in a little while,” Liz said smiling at him.

  
“Ok,” He said, “Is it going to take long? It’s visiting hours and I have to go see my wife I’m sure you understand…”

  
“Yes, of course, it won’t take my long at all maybe fifteen minutes and then we can get started on going over his treatment plan signing release forms, medication orders that sort of stuff, it should be pretty quick. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” She said smiling before she left the room shutting the door behind her.

  
“Hi,” I said standing near the door folding my arms in front of my chest not wanting to come any closer to him knowing what he would do to me if I did.

  
“So how is everything?” He asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. He knew exactly how things were. That was a part of the reason he put me there after all right? So, I could be raped into never trying to kill myself, to disobey him again.

  
“Speak to me, use your words,” he said.

  
I swallowed, “It’s ok. I mean I guess.”

  
“You’re lying baby. I can see it in your face. Do you want to come home yet?” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head. I really did he was easier than dealing with all of the different orderlies, Gavin and Neal and Sam and Levi who I hadn’t even really had contact with yet. Not only that but Leo was my doctor and he had to have known that, “Did you know he worked here?” I asked him.

  
“Well, yes,” he answered honestly.

  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked him.

  
“Because I never expected you to try and kill yourself maybe?” He said, “I’m sorry you did this to yourself. That you thought I was that horrible you wanted to leave forever.”

  
“It wasn’t just you, it was everything Da don’t you get it? I feel so alone the fact that you won’t let me see mum…” I thought about mentioning Pat but decided not to, “The fact that you contracted me to him when you know how he makes me feel. It was everything.”

  
“You really hate me that much?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t hate you Da,” I lied, “I just felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.”

  
He stood up and it took everything in me not to back up in response. Everything in me to try and stand my ground as my heart started to race, “Are you sure you don’t hate me?” He asked me.

  
I wasn’t sure what he was playing at. What he was trying to do. If he was looking for an excuse to yell at me or beat me or just walk out and leave me there. I exhaled heavily trying to calm myself as he started walking towards me.

  
“No I don’t hate you,” I answered. Because truthfully, I only half hated him. I half hoped he would come back, the Da he had been before. The Da that I thought he was but had never really been.

  
“You promise baby?” he asked me inches from my face, I could feel his breath on my skin and I knew what he wanted. I didn’t want it but I knew fighting him here wasn’t an option I had. I nodded my head and closed my eyes as I felt his lips touch mine, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth as he forced me back gently into the wall his hands going to the snaps on my pants to undo them.

  
I whimpered under his kiss. I didn’t want him doing that not here, not anywhere. I didn’t want him touching me there. It wasn’t right and it hurt in so many ways he couldn’t understand for whatever reason. I wanted to scream to tell him no and all I could do was let his tongue brush the roof of my mouth as his hands started touching me started making my body respond.

  
“God I’ve missed you so much baby, I mean Will’s been fun he’s been a good boy but, he’s nothing like you,” he moaned into my neck.

  
My eyes went wide and I tried to push him away. Will? He just said Will. He’d been raping my little brother while I’d been in the hospital for two days? How many times had he done it? Had he been treating him like he treated me? Keeping him trapped in his bedroom naked so he could come to him whenever he wanted? I couldn’t breathe. At first I thought it was because I was that angry but then I realized I was starting to hyperventilate as he pressed against me his hands still rubbing as I tried to push him off of me.

  
“Calm,” he said, “Just relax I still love you more.”

  
I shook my head afraid if I spoke my voice would be unsteady that I would scream at him. That I would tell him how disgusting I thought he was. How much I hated him how he had no right to do that to him ever. How he had no right to do that to anyone.  
“Come on, just relax let it happen I’ll make sure I clean it up real nice ok?” He said slowly getting to knees and I realized what he was planning to do.

  
I shoved at his face hard pushing him away from me with as much force as I could manage as I grabbed my pants and tried to do up the snaps quickly before I opened the door, “We have a family meeting you leave this room and they will think you are nuts. You don’t want to cause trouble here because we know exactly what goes on in the back room. Don’t be stupid you want me or one of them?”

  
“Da,” I pleaded shaking my head, “Please.”

  
“I’m right here baby, let me make you feel good,” he said, “I won’t punish you for pushing me away I know you’re stressed that being here is stressful but you have to be nice, ok? Knowing you feel good makes me feel good and that makes me happy. You want to make me happy, don’t you? Especially if it means saving Will some trouble later?”

  
I thought about it. I wasn’t sure I could trust him on that because I wasn’t there, I wasn’t home to make sure he kept his promise like I usually was. If it would save him one time today though I would do it. I would do anything for any of them. I swallowed.  
“You promise?” I asked.

  
“Yeah baby, I promise you let me do this I won’t touch him again today,” he whispered grabbing my hips and pulling them towards him, “No fighting ok? Just let it happen.”

  
I looked at him and nodded my head before I put my hands in his hair letting him know it was ok that I would let him do that no matter how much I hated it. He smiled at me before he started pumping me taking me into his mouth making me gasp. It hurt, again in ways I can’t explain my whole body shaking as he kept pulling me closer and close with his tongue and his mouth as I bit into my cheek to keep myself silent. I felt the pressure reach its peak my body about to give him what he wanted.

  
“I…” I barely managed to stutter before he deep throated me sending me over the edge making me cum down his throat as he finished me as he swallowed. He didn’t let me go instead he held me steady so that I didn’t fall to the ground when he pulled away but instead he held me as I gasped trying to catch my breath.

  
“Yeah you did, didn’t you good boy?” He said kissing my hair and ear as I panted, “Let’s get your pants done up and we’ll sit down and wait ok?” He said and all I could do was nod my head hoping he would keep his promise that by letting him get what he wanted he would leave Will alone that night. As he helped me over to a chair and did up my pants for me sitting in a chair next to me.

  
He continued to kiss on my neck and ears until he heard someone moving outside of the room and pulled his seat away from me a little bit before the door opened and Liz came in smiling holding a big binder with my name on the side of it.

  
“So how are you Mr. McGregor?” Liz asked looking at my Da.

  
“I’m fine, I’m worried about my son obviously and wife but otherwise I’m fine. Busy, I have other kids at home.” He answered.

  
“Yeah the chart says he has 10 brothers and sisters?” Liz said opening up the binder.

  
“Yes, he’s the oldest our youngest two are 9 months old,” My Da answered her, “We have a nanny of course who will be staying on when my wife gets home because I’m sure taking care of all of the little ones probably overwhelmed her and caused her break down. She’s actually been diagnosed with postpartum psychosis.”

  
“I see, Dr. Swartzman will call you later to talk about John but for the most part he believes it’s depression and anxiety induced that he obviously has a predisposition to. Other than your wife and son is there a history of any mental health problems in the family?” Liz asked.

  
“My father, John’s grandfather had bipolar disorder,” Da answered.

  
“Really? That’s interesting,” Liz wrote something down, “Did John tell you why he tried to kill himself?”

  
“No, he hasn’t,” My Da answered.

  
“You want to tell him John? Or do you want me to tell him?” She asked me and all I did was shrug my shoulders.

  
I wasn’t sure what her answer was going to be but, I didn’t want to speak to him. I didn’t want to be in the same room with him longer than I had to be. “Ok I’ll tell him. John says he feels like he’s not human like people in his life don’t view him as human like he’s tired. Do you know why he said that? Because I can’t find anything in his chart that would indicate abuse and if he has a history he hasn’t disclosed,” Liz asked my Da.

  
“Well, we moved to the states because he had a football couch who molested him back at home in London. So, we moved here to get him a fresh start. He was around seven when it happened and he went to therapy but wasn’t responding well anymore so we moved here and he did see someone a couple times but the fit didn’t really go I guess because he never really opened up to her. If you have any suggestions for a new therapist I’d love to get some recommendations from you of course.”

  
“Is this true John?” She asked looking at me.

  
I nodded my head. I knew that was the lie he told everyone. It did explain my behavior and took the blame off of him and put it somewhere else. On some imagined person that didn’t really exists. What was I going to do? Tell them he was lying?

  
Tell them he was the one who snuck into my room every night after my mum went to sleep and made me lay with him naked and touch me until he got so excited he had to leave the room to probably finish himself off so he wouldn’t hurt me? Was I supposed to tell them that on my 8th birthday was the first time he raped me and then carried me upstairs and held me and cuddled me while I cried telling me next time it wouldn’t hurt as bad as he told me how much he loved me and how special I was to him?

  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Liz asked me quietly her voice trying to be soft and soothing.

  
“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders not looking at her, “I mean it’s personal. I don’t know you.”

  
“Ok I understand that, however knowing that helps us help you,” she said.

  
“Well, I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about that,” I said still not looking at her.

  
“Ok well we have some papers you need to sign Mr. McGregor, just for medication saying we can give it to him, medical records for his other doctor’s stuff like that,” She said pulling papers out of the file which my Da signed quickly, “Ok we should be good for you to go back to the Unit John,” She said putting the papers back into the file.

  
“Ok,” I said standing up.

  
“Ok Champ I’ll see you later all right? I’ll call you let you know how mum is doing,” he said smiling at me.

  
“Ok,” I said.

  
“Oh yes, one more thing I think John mentioned,” Liz said, “He has a friend that he says offers him emotional support that I think it would benefit him to have on his call list. Patrick, isn’t it John?” She asked me.

  
“huh, yeah,” I said.

  
“John, champ I thought we agreed Patrick wasn’t good for you right now,” Da answered.

  
“We’re just friends,” I replied, “Please Da? I feel so alone it’s just a phone call.”

  
“No, I’m sorry I can’t let that happen. I think he confuses you,” My Da said.

  
“Confuses me about what? He’s my best friend Da my BEST FRIEND, I need him. I don’t have him or mum right now and I don’t think you get that I need someone,” I said trying not to cry.

  
“You have me,” My Da answered, “Shouldn’t I be enough bab...bud?” He said catching himself before he used what he called me private when no one else was around.

  
“With all due respect, Mr. McGregor in these situations usually it’s important to offer all the emotional support that’s avaible and I think him being able to talk to Patrick would be a good thing for him right now especially with his mum unreachable,” Liz said, “I would recommend you allow them to speak on the phone is there a reason why you don’t want them talking?”

  
“Patrick does drugs, my son is a recovering alcoholic he doesn’t need to be exposed to Patrick’s delinquent behavior. I don’t need him falling back into old patterns,” Da responded, “And they are a little too close if you know what I mean.”

  
“What do you mean by a little too close are you saying they have an intimate relationship?” Liz asked looking at me.

  
“We don’t we’re just friends!” I said exasperated.

  
“If they did have a close relationship like that would that be a problem for you?” Liz asked my Da.

  
“With another boy? No. With Patrick and his behavior? Yes, I see that a problem I am not homophobic my brother is gay and am fine with him,” My Da answered Liz.

  
I snorted and rolled my eyes in spite of myself. My Uncle wasn’t gay not conventionally gay at least not according to Will. I mean my Uncle never hung out with adults unless he was raping children with them or at work. Any time he was away for long periods of time he was out of the country doing god knows what god knows where to god knows who and that to me didn’t sound like a gay man at all. Gay men at least spent time with other men their own age at least they had real friends that they didn’t rape children with.

  
“What was that for? Is there a problem John?” Liz asked me.

  
“He’s not gay,” I said.

  
“John, yes your uncle Ben is gay and I have no problem with that. I know it might be hard to believe because you don’t really see him around a lot of people but your uncle is very gay believe it or not,” My Da answered, “I’m sure you understand what gay is right? I mean you’re 13.”

  
“Yes, Da I know what gay is and he is not gay he is a pedo…”

  
Da snapped at me, “Where did you hear that word?”

  
“Did he just say pedophile?” Liz asked looking between us.

  
“I read it somewhere,” I said.

  
“Has your uncle ever touched you or behaved inappropriately towards you?” Liz asked the worry in her voice evident.

  
“No,” I lied quickly, “It’s just it makes sense he’s never around adults he’s always with me or my little siblings.”

  
“He spends plenty of time with adults he had a boyfriend in Daytona that he just broke up with before you guys came home. He is not a pedophile, pedophile’s hurt children,” Da said.

  
“Is there any other reason you think he might be attracted to younger people John?” Liz asked.

  
“No,” I shook my head looking at my feet. I didn’t mean to open this can of worms by asking to talk to Pat. This was stupid, “Look, Da it was stupid. I’m sorry I said anything about any of it ok. Forget letting me talk to him, forget letting me talk to mum forget everything and I’ll just stay here and I’ll fucking rot ok? Will you be happy then?”

  
“No, that doesn’t make me happy. If you really want to talk to him that badly I want to know why,” Da said, “You can give me a valid reason why that I actually believe then I’ll allow it.”

  
“You can’t just believe what I say? That he’s my BEST FRIEND and he makes me feel like I’m going to be ok? That’s not good enough for you? I had a girlfriend while I was in Montana and you think that Pat and I are having some crazy love affair, really? And people think I’m crazy?” I said trying to sound as convincing as I could, “He helps me. Ok, he helps me feel like not drinking is better than starting up again. Please just trust me, I need him. I need to be able to talk to him.”

  
“Why didn’t you tell us about this addiction problem he had before?” Liz asked both Da and I.

  
“Because I got better, ok? I went to rehab back in Montana it was a day center,” I answered.

  
“I was made aware of that through my PI so I didn’t think it would matter as well. I should have disclosed and I didn’t think about it I’m sorry,” My Da answered.

  
“Do you think that’s because of your sexual abuse that you suffered?” Liz asked me.

  
“Probably, when you’re drunk you don’t have to feel anything if you don’t want to. It’s almost like it doesn’t matter. Being that numb that you forget things, It’s heaven. You can’t understand that how great it is to not have to feel, not have to remember.” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Liz said nodding her head, “Have you relapsed since you got back?”

  
“No, I wanted to, I wanted to so badly, so bad I could taste it. I wanted to drink so badly I could feel the burn of it but, no. No. I tried to kill myself instead and you want to know why? I was told if I did withdrawal might kill me and that’s a death I don’t want my brothers and sisters to see,” I answered.

  
“Yet you were ok with one of them walking in on you and finding you bleeding to death?” Liz asked me.

  
“He wasn’t supposed to see that,” I answered.

  
“Who was? Who did you think would find you?” She asked me.

  
I just shook my head. I wasn’t talking about that. About those feelings admitting I had lied to him just half an hour before admitting that I really did hate him and I had wanted my death to make him suffer. I had wanted him to know he had caused it, that it was his fault I was gone but that I was free and he could no longer control me. I wasn’t going to talk about how I felt I deserved to be dead how I thought the world would be better off without me because I couldn’t protect them anyway.

  
“Ok,” She said, “Well I think we should let your Dad go so he can visit with your mom before visiting time is over.”

  
“Ok, I’ll see you later,” I said looking at him as I stood up.

  
“Ok bud,” Da said, “I’ll see you. I’ll let your mum know you love her and that you say hi ok?”

  
I nodded my head and stood by the door as Liz opened it, “Mr. McGregor if you just follow that red line on the floor it will take you back to the cafeteria where you can wait for kids visiting time to be over and your wife should join you down there.”

  
“Thank you for your help Liz and yes, you can call him,” My Da said answering finally the question of whether I could talk to Pat or not.

  
“Thank you,” I said as he flashed me a look that said I owed him and I owed him big.

  
“Come on let’s go,” Liz said to me opening the door.

  
We walked to the unit in mostly silence and I sighed as she turned the lock, “Thank you, for convincing him that he should let me talk to Pat.” I said.

  
She smiled at me, “I think that was all you John, you did good. You advocated for yourself and you did it well.” she said as she opened the door onto the unit and I went back to the day room to wait with everyone else who didn’t have visitors.

  
Everyone was sitting down and some people were playing card games while everyone else watched some movie I don’t recall what it was but it was something old from the 80’s or early 90’s from when we were younger. Eric glared at me slightly as I walked in but otherwise no one else paid me any mind until I sat down in the corner when one of the girls, Debbie looked up at me.

  
“Hi,” She said smiling, “How did your visit go?”

  
“Ok,” I answered, “You have anyone come see you?”

  
“No,” She said shaking her head, “My mom gets busy, she’s a trauma nurse so she can’t always make visiting hours but that’s ok.”

  
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.

  
“Who came to see you?” She asked me.

  
“My Da,” I said, “Family meeting of some kind I guess otherwise I don’t think he would have been here.”

  
“What about your mom?” She asked me politely curiously.

  
“She’s on the adult ward right now so no, she didn’t come,” I answered.

  
Her eyes went wide, “Really? What happened that you both ended up in here?” She asked me.

  
“I don’t know. Just stuff I guess,” I answered.

  
“Oh,” She said nodding her head, “Are you off of restrictions?” she asked.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “You’re asking to see if I can go to gym, right?”

  
“Yeah, I don’t know you look like you might play soccer and if we can get enough people that are interested they will let us play or kick ball,” She said smiling, “I like soccer.”

  
“You say that because of my accent?” I asked her.

  
“Maybe,” She shrugged her shoulders, “Do you?”

  
“I used to back when I lived in London yeah, it was a big sport for free time at school,” I answered, “It’s been a while though.”

  
“Well gives the rest of us a chance then I guess,” She said laughing lightly, “A lot of good teams in Britain.”

  
“Clubs? Yeah some of them are really great but if you’re looking for a good football match you should check out some of Spain’s teams,” I said.

  
“Really? Not a home fan?” She asked me smiling.

  
“I like some of them but, I don’t really follow too closely anymore. I’m busy a lot of the time,” I answered.

  
“Doing what?” She asked.

  
“Well, I was in summer school until I came back and then just kind of haven’t had a chance to watch a lot of TV,” I answered.

  
“Summer school? Why trying to get ahead? You seem too smart to have almost failed out,” She said.

  
“No, I did I was behind,” I answered.

  
“Why?” She asked.

  
“Missed a couple months, not a big deal,” I answered.

  
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “what have you been doing besides not watching TV?”

  
“Just stuff,” I answered trying to be vague and keep the conversation friendly because I wasn’t about to tell her that I was too busy trapped in a room naked with some ugly disgusting man over top of me moaning dirty things into my ear, using me to gain sexual pleasure.

  
“Oh ok,” she said letting the topic drop, “You want to play cards?” She asked me.

  
“No, I’m all right thanks,” I answered.

  
“You don’t talk a lot usually, do you?” She asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders and she laughed, “I’ll take that as a no, you’re the strong silent type?”

  
“Not really,” I answered, “I just don’t speak unless…I don’t know.”

  
“When you do sometimes you don’t feel like it matters,” She said suddenly her eyes sad, “I get that.”

  
“I have plenty of people that listen to me just not the ones that really need to listen is all,” I answered.

  
“You mean like your doctor?” She asked me.

  
“Well yeah. I guess so,” I answered.

  
“Yeah, my doctor doesn’t listen to me either, he’s a weirdo, Dr. Swartzman,” She said.

  
“That’s my doctor,” I answered before I felt sick to my stomach thinking of him, of Leo and how I was stuck in here with him in charge of me which was why I had made the decision to try and kill myself in the first place, because I didn’t want him in control of me.

  
“He’s such a weirdo, right? Or is it just me that thinks that?” She asked me smiling.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“After visiting we have dinner, how come I haven’t seen you there?” She asked my looking for something else to talk about again.

  
I guess my less than forthcoming demeanor was a bit of a hindrance for her. I just didn’t know what to do around girls I wasn’t related to. it felt awkward to me. Socializing with them even with Heather when we had quit talking it had felt awkward. Like I didn’t know what to talk about because they were too old to be interested in Barbie’s and tea party but not really old enough to want to talk about sex at least not with guys. Music was a big thing that Heather and I had talked about mostly, how she was into boy bands, Backstreet boys and 98 degrees and how I didn’t really listen to those bands but listened mostly to rock radio stations bands like Tool and Soundgarden, Garbage and of course Nirvana and Korn.

  
“I’m on restriction I guess, because I’m new or something?” I answered.

  
“Oh, so you probably won’t be going down to the gym then,” She said, “That’s ok you should be off restriction soon. Usually most people are off after they have been here three days.”

  
“Good to know,” I said.

  
“Ok everyone who is going down to the café for dinner line up,” Gavin said coming into the room and basically everyone go up to line up next to the unit door besides Burgess and me.

  
“I’ll see you later at social issues,” Debbie said smiling as she stood up her messy bun bouncing lightly as she walked over to the line standing next to another girl and Tara. I saw one of them point at me and she smiled.

  
So, that was what that was about? She was trying to get information on me? Figure out what was up? I thought that was kind of sneaky and rude. Burgess saw me looking at them and laughed.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“They think you’re cute,” Burgess answered me.

  
“How can you tell?” I asked.

  
“The way she pointed at you and smiled really big. The way she was trying to be so nice. They have the hots for you I think they were trying to get a sense of your likes and dislikes,” Burgess answered.

  
“I huh, I’m not interested,” I said looking at him, “How did you get all of that from her body language.”

  
“She’s a girl just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t read girl. Why don’t you?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t have a lot of time with them I guess?” I answered, “I go to an all-boys school St. Matthews and I have mostly brothers. I have three little sisters the oldest of which is only five.”

  
“Ah, and you like boys,” he said.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked.

  
“You’re gay, right?” He asked, “Or is he just like the one you think?”

  
“The one?” I said getting even more confused.

  
“Like that one person it doesn’t matter what sex they are they just…do something for you,” Burgess answered.

  
“I guess, he’s …,” I sighed thinking about it, “He makes me feel normal. Like they don’t matter.”

  
“So, he’s your one,” Burgess said, “I had a foster sister for six months last year. We thought about it. Having sex. It didn’t work out she left before we got the chance and I was, am property anyway so it’s not like I’m allowed to. How did your visit go?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about him. Or that, “I have permission to talk to Pat now.”

  
“And what did you have to do to get that?” Burgess asked me.

  
“Nothing. I don’t think the two correlate this time. However, he basically confirmed what I was afraid of. That without me there my brothers are in trouble, big trouble and so I …,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“That’s fucking bull,” Burgess said, “Did he say he wouldn’t touch anyone anymore? Because he will.”

  
“Oh, I know he will. He said he’d give him a break one time. That he would leave Will alone tonight if I…,” I felt my face grow hot, “Anyway, so did anyone else really have visitors?”

  
“Some people, Ron did, Dom, Dillion,” Burgess answered, “You can call me Adam by the way.”

  
“Really?” I asked raising an eyebrow at him curiously.

  
“Yeah, you have to earn my first name. I trust you enough. Everyone knows that’s my name anyway now,” He said.

  
“Why are you so protective of your name?” I asked.

  
“It’s the only thing I really have,” He answered, “Not even the clothes I have when I’m allowed to have them are mine. Usually they keep me naked.”

  
“I hate that,” I answered, “I mean usually I get clothes and stuff but sometimes my Da he…he’s not very nice.”

  
“Why are you so proper about the whole thing? You can talk about you know it’s not like I don’t have any idea what they do to you, what he does to you.” Adam said.

  
“Because I have younger siblings that don’t need to hear me talk about it and I don’t like talking about it,” I answered.

  
“Maybe that’s a part of the reason why you’re here, why you tried to kill yourself because you don’t talk about it,” Adam said, “Just giving an opinion.” He added when he saw the look on my face.

  
“Maybe but, that’s my business, isn’t it? Maybe I don’t talk about it because talking about it isn’t going to make it stop. Nothing I do will make it stop and I don’t know what I did in the first place to make it start,” I answered.

  
“You didn’t do anything. None of us did anything to make this happen. It feels like we did I know it does I feel it all the time but how could anything we have ever done been bad enough to deserve the way they treat us?” Adam said, “I mean think about it.”

  
“I don’t know, some of the stuff he says just…” I swallowed hard as the dinner cart pulled up outside that held our meals and someone brought them in and set them down at the table in front of us.

  
“They say stuff like that to me too if I’m catching your drift but, I guess it doesn’t have the same effect on me?” He asked.

  
“Well, you aren’t related to them, are you?” I asked.

  
“Very true that could be why,” He answered.

  
“You said you had a foster sister? I thought they didn’t let single men foster,” I asked.

  
“No, they do if you know the right people, Chase has varied tastes and he took her mostly for the money and for when he was in that mood. He got Eli to replace me I think. I was eight when I came to him. So, it’s been long enough that when I get out he’ll probably pass me off to someone else. If I’m really unlucky they’ll put me back on the market and I’ll get shipped somewhere that I won’t ever leave. Like Japan or Thailand,” Burgess said.

  
“What happens in Thailand?” I asked.

  
“They make a lot of snuff there, hard core BDSM shit too. They’ll use you until your videos quit making good money and then they’ll sell you on the street for like 20 USD a pop. To whoever. Once you’re hooked on the drugs and basically can’t control your bowels anymore they’ll give you to the highest bidder on the what they call the red market and they’ll do whatever they want to you and you’re never seen again,” Adam answered.

  
“So, they kill you?” I asked.

  
“Yeah that’s a one problem though. You don’t have to worry about that,” Adam said biting into his fish stick.

  
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I said, “My Da wanted to take me to Japan before we left.”

  
“A pretty little thing like you? He wasn’t taking you there for the red market he was taking you there for production, to have you star in some stuff. You know how much money those videos make? A lot. With someone that looks like you a lot more,” Adam told me.

  
I crossed my arms over my chest. Someone who looked like me? What the hell was that supposed to mean? That’s what they all said that I was cute or beautiful or handsome or hot or whatever else you could think of. That I was worth something. That there was something about me that made me appealing to them. I didn’t feel hungry looking at my food. I didn’t want to ever eat again. I wanted to disappear. To become nothing.

  
Adam looked at me closely and sighed setting down his fish stick, “I’m sorry ok? Really I am I didn’t mean…”

  
I cut him off, “It’s fine it’s whatever. I mean it’s true, isn’t it? Someone that’s pretty like me is worth a lot of cash and that’s all that matters,” Pushing away from the table and standing up.

  
“No, John wait. I’m sorry I said that ok? It wasn’t fair,” Adam said, “Really that wasn’t fair for me to say that. It’s not like it’s anything you can help.”

  
“I don’t want to be…that. Any of that I just want to be normal,” I said.

  
“You are normal,” he said.

  
“No, no I’m not and everyone knows it. I barely look like a guy even I’m so thin and hairless and I don’t know why maybe that’s why they hate me? Because I’m like half chick or some shit?” I hissed.

  
“John, you are all 13-year-old boy trust me,” Adam said shaking his head, “I didn’t have a lot of facial hair or anything up until around last year sometime. Puberty is different for everyone trust me.”

  
“When you say videos, you mean like the ones I’ve been in before or different?” I asked scared of his answer.

  
“Well,” Adam said, “You really want to know?”

  
“Well, I’ve never been in like a real one just with Hank or Tony with a camera in my face,” I answered.

  
“Well, they do have like a real studio over there with like real make up and lighting and it’s just like nuts. They’ll give you Viagra so you can keep it up so you can do the same take repeatedly and that gets really painful after a while. Sometimes they do like real BDSM shit, sex swings, arm binders, I was once on a set not in the movie, I was a pleasure extra meaning I wasn’t on camera I was just there for them to play with. But anyway, the star was this kid. They had the kid wrapped in plastic so he couldn’t really move or anything. The whole thing is just like really sick,” Adam answered me.

  
“I’ve been huh,” I looked down into my plate, “the swings make it very hard to move. To do anything.”

  
“Oh,” Adam said nodding his head in understanding.

  
“Yeah when I said I’d been whipped and stuff before I wasn’t lying,” I answered.

  
“I didn’t think you were,” Adam said, “Usually they aren’t that mean not to 5’s.”

  
“It’s probably the guys that are around me I guess,” I answered, “It’s mostly my Da and his friends like my Uncle, Hank Kingly, The leader, people like that.”

  
“They are pretty hard core but you haven’t met alabaster or Jones I’m assuming. They are hurt core 1000 percent,” Adam said.

  
“Hurtcore?” I asked.

  
“It’s huh pretty new thing I guess, they basically take kids and torture them rape them until they bleed and I don’t mean a little like you know how that happens sometimes I mean like bleed bleed like fucking all over, they whip, pinch, poke, use dildos that are way too big like force it, they use tasters, clips, needles whatever, nasty people,” Adam said.

  
“Like they kill them?” I asked.

  
“No killing them would be nice,” Adam said, “Those guys though a lot of what they do they don’t do here, they do it places like Thailand, Russia, Albania anywhere that’s not the US makes it easier to get away with it.”

  
“That sounds scary,” I answered.

  
“Yeah, it is. I’ve been to Russia I lived there for a while,” He said, “You learn really fast who is into what and how they want you to be otherwise you don’t’ survive. You have to be smart because they make sure you get a very very short learning curve. However, it makes here look like Disney world.”

  
“What’s it like for you here?” I asked.

  
“You mean with Chase?” Adam asked, “It’s better now that I’m too old to hold favor I guess would be the best way to put it.”

  
“So, he was really abusive?” I asked.

  
“He likes to choke,” Adam answered, “Hurt I guess. He likes to make you hate yourself. He’s nasty when you first hit that point where you…” He made a motion with his hand as if he was trying to find a delicate way to put what he wanted to say, “are able to respond for me anyway, he started collecting it in this jar and it was disgusting.”

  
“That’s sick,” I said really feeling not hungry at that point and then remembering Hank and the cup. How he had made me do things like that. How he had forced me to taste myself and then he had drunk the rest.

  
“You like didn’t eat at all,” Adam commented, “They are going to keep you on restriction, they might make you drink boost and trust me that’s gross so if you don’t want that you better scarf it before they take it away.”

  
“Ok, yeah I think I’m going to be sick though,” I said as I picked up my fish sticks and started to eat.

  
I managed to eat most of my food before the came to clear our plates away as everyone else came up to the unit from the cafeteria. Everyone seemed pretty happy as they went to their rooms to use the bathroom and stuff before they headed down to the gym. I figured I wasn’t going because I was probably still on restriction. Adam stood up and went over to a cupboard in the corner and pulled out a desk of cards.

  
“Rummy or poker?” He asked me.

  
“You aren’t going down to gym?” I asked.

  
“Can’t,” He said, “I’m labeled Eating Disordered so they limit my physical activities.”

  
“Oh huh, Rummy I guess I don’t know I’ve never played,” I answered.

  
“That’s awesome,” Adam said smiling, “Means I have a chance to win, it sure beats Solitaire with Gavin staring at me.”

  
Mr. Tony came over to the door and popped his head in wearing his coat, “My shift is just about over but the doctor is here and he’s agreed to do your blood draw to check that thing we talked about earlier so I’m supposed to walk you down on my way out and he’ll bring you back up.”

  
“Oh,” I said looking at Adam, “Sorry looks like I’ll be back in a little while.”

  
“Probably in time for group,” Mr. Tony said looking at us sadly, “Sorry Burgess.”

  
“Why are you saying sorry to me? That just lets me know which doctor it is. Why it is he has to go see him?” Burgess asked.

  
Tony shrugged, “I’m not in charge I just do what I’m told. Come on John.”

  
“See you later,” I said standing up and walking over to the door with Mr. Tony.

  
I was wondering which doctor this was. Why it would take so long for a blood draw that shouldn’t take long at all and then I thought about it my stomach turning sour this had to be Leo. Leo was the only doctor I could think of that would want to spend more time with me. I didn’t want to see him. He unlocked the door to get us off the unit and walked me down a hallway.

  
“It’s him, isn’t it?” I said and I could feel myself shaking, “Leo.”

  
“It’s not Leo, you’ll be ok just doing what you’re told. For all I know it won’t take long at all but Dr. Huntz is … someone I don’t like to talk to for personal reasons I’m not going into.” Tony answered.

  
We turned down a hallway and Mr. Tony knocked on a door which opened up. A guy was standing there with glasses and salt and pepper hair and smile on his face that looked like it was trying to be charming, comforting but it didn’t come across that way to me at all. To me it was that same look they always gave me. I had never really met Dr. Huntz before but remembered what Vic had told me. Don’t go to him unless I needed to.

  
“Come on, you’re fine we’ll do your blood work and full exam,” He said the idea of him giving me any type of exam making goose bumps raise on my arm.

  
“Why?” I asked stepping into the room as he shut the door behind me and locked it.

  
“Because you said they weren’t using protection,” Dr. Huntz said, “So I have to draw your blood.”

  
“No, I know about that part. Why a full exam?” I asked.

  
He just smiled at me, “Well,” He said coming close to me making me back up into the wall gulping, “You only ever see my partner and you are very very attractive.”

  
“I don’t want to,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Just relax,” he said leaning over me effectively trapping me against the wall, “I’ll draw your blood and then weigh you and check your height ok?”

  
I nodded my head and sat down on the exam table. He drew my blood fast without a problem his eyes giving me that look. That look that said I want to touch you, I want to feel you, I want to hear you scream. And I didn’t like that. When he was done taking my blood and labeling the vials he sighed standing up.

  
“Take off your clothes,” He said.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Weight, just checking your weight,” He answered. Feigning innocents. I knew why he wanted me to take my clothes off but was I really in a place where I could try and fight him on it, tell him no? I started shaking my leg my nerves getting the better of me. I didn’t want him doing anything like that.

  
“I have to get naked for you to check my weight?” I asked.

  
“Just underwear but I’m assuming you aren’t wearing any so yeah,” He answered.

  
I nodded my head. Yeah there was no way out of this. He was going to rape me and I had to take it just like I had to with everyone else. I hated this, my body being their toy. I didn’t want him to touch me. I gulped as I pulled my shirt up over my head and I heard him gasps.

  
“I see why they like you,” He said, “Prefect skin, so pale so smooth looking even with the scars. I wonder how tight your ass is.”

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Don’t what I haven’t done anything,” He said smiling at me, “I’ve heard you’re very good in other places too. Take off your pants and get over here onto the scale.”

  
I pulled off my pants using my hands to cover myself so he couldn’t really see that part of me as I clambered up onto the scale in front of him. Him leaning closely over me making me shudder as he moved the weights on the scale to make it work.

  
“Interesting, you only weigh 104 pounds not super small for your age but not really high up there either,” He said as he pulled up the measuring stick to check my height, “Turn around.”

  
I turned around and he made me stand straight. I stood as still as I could still covering myself and I sighed as he put his hand on my shoulder to adjust the bar so it was right on the top of my head, “You’re 5’4.”

  
“I already figured that,” I said grabbing my pants off of the floor.

  
“Nope, back up on the table.” He said making me exhale deeply.

  
“No,” I begged as he went over to the cupboard in the corner and grabbed something out of it.

  
“It’s ok,” he said as I sat back down on the table, “I’m just checking something out ok?”

  
He opened a tube and put a generous amount of the substance on his fingers. I wanted to curl up and die. I didn’t want him touching me I didn’t care if he was a doctor I didn’t want his hands on me at all.

  
“Just lay back, ok? Have you ever heard of prostate stimulation?” He asked me.

  
“I huh. I’m not sure,” I answered feeling sick to my stomach. I knew what my prostate was that it was back there but I still hadn’t connected the dots as to what it actually did being 13 and going to a catholic school I hadn’t exactly had a lot of sex education.  
“Well, you’re prostate is easily accessed through your anus. If someone bumps against it really nice it can feel really fucking amazing. Anyone ever get you to cum without touching your dick?” He asked me.

  
So, that’s what that was? When they stuck their fingers in there and it made my whole body feel like it was filling with cold fire, like I was half drowning as the pressure spread up my back side and into my pelvis. My eyes went wide as I realized that was his plan. That he was going to do that to me which was something I hated just about as much as I hated someone taking my dick and putting it in their mouth.

  
“No,” I shook my head. Meaning no I didn’t want him to touch me.

  
“You’re in for a real treat then,” he said as he pushed me backwards gently making me lay down on the exam table, “Just relax and when I push in you push out like you’re using the bathroom, ok? It makes it run nice and smooth it’ll feel so good I’ll have you dripping I promise. I’m a pro at this I am a doctor after all,” He said prying my thighs apart so he could slide his fingers inside.

  
“No, no don’t,” I said shaking my head as his fingers poked at my entrance.

  
“No, just relax,” he muttered leaning over top of me his bare fingers finally pressing into me. The pressure was uncomfortable almost painful but I had no choice but to lay there as he found the spot the first contact searing almost sending that spark through my body making my breath catch.

  
Before I could stop myself, he had me whimpering as every tiny prod and poke sent electricity through my body. He was right. His touch felt worse than Hanks or my Da’s when the leader was coaching him. It made my cheeks burn red and my penis leak fluid. I didn’t want this I wanted him to stop but he was knuckle deep in my asshole making me hate myself.

  
“That’s it beautiful enjoy the ride,” He muttered kissing my inner thigh making me squeal.

  
God, it hurt so fucking bad but felt so fucking good all at the same time it was beyond anything like that they had ever done. I wanted him to stop to get off of me and when he finally did I sighed with relief only to realize he was undoing his belt that he was going to push me past my limit.

  
“FUCK NO!” I screamed trying to push him away as he tried to climb on top of me.

  
He forced my knees up against my chest so I had to use my legs to support his body weight. I remember him feeling heavy, my legs cramping as he got his body weight on top of mine me placing my feet flat against his upper chest trying to stop him from penetrating me only causing him to use more of his body weight as leverage to push himself forward into me.

  
“Relax beautiful it’s just to finish you,” he said as he pushed his way inside of me making me scream, “You want to finish, don’t you? Want to feel that sweet tidal wave go through your body as I hit that spot oh, so right?” he muttered kissing my neck nibbling at the skin as he found that spot bumping up against it just right again his one hand and upper body pushing me hard into the solid steel exam table while the other dug hard at my hip like it was handle so he could guide himself in and out of me.  
“FUCK!” I shouted as he pushed me to the edge of climax.

  
“That’s right sexy boy, cum for me nice and hard,” he moaned kissing into my neck as I came hard all over shooting up into the air and coating his stomach in my ejaculate and somehow getting some in my own face, “Nice baby, you really are a good boy, aren’t you?” He asked me licking my chin where some had landed his eyes going wide as he tasted it in his mouth, “Wow, that is sweet. Think I can make you do that again?”

  
I was shaking. I couldn’t cum like that again. I felt like I didn’t want to cum ever again. I was so breathless that I could barely move as he started kissing down my chest kissing that path that they always did and all I could do was bite my lip as I started crying as he buried his face in my crotch and deep throated me putting me balls deep in his mouth instantly giving me a new erection.

  
“Stop please just stop just…” My voice caught in my throat my whole body feeling like it was about to have a seizure as his tongue and throat did something around me I had never felt before causing me to instantly cum without a real build up towards climax leaving me breathless and shaking as he swallowed getting off of me.

  
“You are a really really good boy,” he said pulling up his pants that were around his ankles and doing up his belt as he grabbed my pants and threw them at me landing on my chest where I was still laying on the examining table as he saw I was crying, “It’s ok. You did great really you were beyond amazing there isn’t any need to cry beautiful. I used a condom,” he said pointing to the used one that was on the table by my feet that I didn’t remember him putting on.

  
“I’m going to send you back with some by the way, that way you won’t catch anything no risk ok?” He said, “I’ll have to have you again when you get out.”

  
“I’m contracted,” I said.

  
“So, I’ll find out who because that’s who I have to ask. That’s all that means,” He said, “Get dressed unless you want me to make you cum screaming again.”

  
I pulled on my pants and before I had a real chance to put on my shirt he opened the door. Looking at his watch, “Can’t I finish getting dressed?” I asked rolling my shoulders. The physical pain it caused was always there I just, it was never really the focus but after having someone push your knees into your chest your back and legs usually felt really fucking pinched and cramped sometimes all the way up into your neck especially if you were being pushed hard into a flat surface someone pushing all their weight down on your collar bone and shoulders as they kissed you, dug into you.

  
“Nope, no one cares and if we wait any longer you’re running late for group.” He said moving out of the way as I did up my pants while walking.

  
I always hated walking right away especially after that type of activity because you just felt sticky and used for lack of a better term. Your ass usually filled with some type of lube or Vaseline sore from being stretched in a way that it shouldn’t be that it wasn’t made to do and sometimes cum dripping out and down your legs. That would be enough to make any not want to move for a while. the feeling of the grease and shit sloshing around inside you every time you moved along with that searing slight pain of being pushed too far open.

  
I moved grabbing my shirt my whole-body sore. I was really hoping I would be late enough for group I wouldn’t have to go, that they would let me shower instead of going there. That wasn’t the case however which at that point didn’t surprise me at all. I never got what I wanted, what I was hoping for and hardly ever got what I needed.

  
It didn’t take long for us to get back to the unit and I pulled my shirt over my head as we passed our day room which was full of both boys and girls all of them gawking at me. I knew what they were seeing. The scars along my torso some of them crescent shaped or circles like bite marks. Others long and thin and angry like scratches that were too deep.

  
I felt my face turning red as I entered the room and Hannah sighed looking at me, “You need to have your clothes on if you’re not in the shower or your room. You’re just in time for group to start.”

  
“Sorry,” I mumbled.

  
“Ok everyone this is Sandy, she’s new and she’s running group today. Be respectful, participate please and listen,” Hannah said sitting back in the corner.

  
A young woman with glasses and dreadlocks pulled into a bun stepped into the middle of the room, “Ok today we’re talking about sexual assault. Date rape specifically because you’re all nearing or at that age where you’re going to be dating.”

  
“No, we’re not,” Josh said standing up.

  
“Why do you not like the topic?” Gavin asked.

  
“Maybe because I’m a guy and it makes me feel like a villain, like I’m some freak just because I have a penis. I would never ever hurt someone like that and I’m not going to sit here and allow people to make me feel like I would,” Josh answered.  
“You really think this is that type of talk?” Sandy asked him.

  
“In my experience, yes,” Josh answered, “Guys can be raped too, date raped or otherwise.”

  
“Yes, you are absolutely right,” Sandy said, “I’m sorry what’s your name?”

  
“Josh,” He answered.

  
“Josh, you are right guys can be raped too and our society doesn’t talk about that often enough. You are right the paper work focuses mostly on assaults towards females however I do have a work sheet here for everyone to fill out. Don’t put your names on it just put M for Male or F for female in the top corner and fill it out. Once you are done answering the questions please hand it to me and we’ll do a tally on what type of answers we get. No one needs to know anyone else’s answers and if you hear me read anything aloud that gives away who it is don’t say anything to the group keep it to yourself.” She said passing a worksheet.

  
When the worksheets got to me I took a copy and passed it forward. I scanned over it reading to myself before I started filling it out and then thought better of it. It had several questions on it. 1. Have you ever been sexually assaulted, 2, if yes, how old were you? 3, Was it by someone you know? 4, What was their relationship to you? 5, was there penetration? 6, was there more than just touching? 7, did it happen more than once? 8, Do you feel like it has impacted your life in a negative way? 9, Were you subject to more than just this one kind of abuse? 10, Have you ever told anyone? I sighed.

  
I didn’t want to answer these questions. what was I going to say specially to number one? Yes, just now? I wrote M on the right-hand corner and then just wrote yes for the first one and not answering for the rest because I wanted to be honest but I didn’t want to be in this group. I didn’t want to talk about this, I just wanted to shower. However, I handed it to Sandy and then sat back down. She smiled at me and played with my paper and as she got more from the group she started shuffling them in her hands until everyone had handed their papers to her and she shuffled them a couple more times.

  
“Ok Gavin could you tally on the board for me?” Sandy asked.

  
“Sure,” Gavin said standing up and walking over to the dry erase board with a marker.

  
“Ok first paper has an M so this is a male, question number one they answered yes, how old were you? All it says is last time or first time? 3 says yes, what was their relationship to you? That one is blank, was there penetration that one is blank, more than just touching that one says yes, more than once, it says duh, 8 says yes, 9 says yes, and 10 says maybe, second is female and it says yes, 13,yes,no answer, yes, yes ,no, yes, yes, no. Ok well how about I just read the answer to the first question and we keep the rest to myself huh?” Sandy sighed sounding depressed, “next one is female, yes Male, yes, female, no, male yes, female no, female yes, male yes, male yes, female no, female yes, male yes, males yes, female yes, male yes and female no. So, wait…hold on…that’s not…every boy in this room really guys?” Sandy said looking at us.

  
Josh shrugged his shoulders, “You all already know I have been. I already admitted that in art therapy.”

  
“Yeah but like, how do you rape a guy?” Clara asked.

  
“Rape is defined as penetration with an object against some persons will. It can be fingers, a penis, another object but all of those count as rape, forced oral contact is rape whether that’s someone forcing their genitals in your mouth or them forcing you to let them put your genitals in their mouth. All of those are considered rape that can happen to a male or a female. You can use drugs or alcohol to make it easier to take advantage of them. One in four girls and one in six boys or in this case for this room six in six boys has been sexually assaulted.” Sandy said, “Which is highly unusual.”

  
“I’ll answer questions if any of the girls want me to. I’m the oldest I can represent,” Josh said.

  
“Does it hurt?” Debbie asked.

  
“Josh use your brain and language skills don’t be crass here please,” Gavin said before Josh could speak.

  
“Well yes, having someone force their way into your anal cavity hurts,” Josh answered, “If you know anything about asshol…” Josh stopped looked at Gavin “I mean butts, that muscle only opens up so far where as a vagina is actually pretty elastic and awesome.” Josh continued an amused smile playing on his lips. “There are things you can do to one of those amazing things that you can’t do with a butt and yeah it hurts a lot to have someone shove something up there especially against your will.”

  
“John?” Debbie asked me, “Did someone hurt you?”

  
I felt my face go red, “I thought Josh was answering questions, not me.”

  
“Just your…” She gestured passing her hand over her covered chest, “It looks really really bad like someone did something terrible to you. All the scars you have.”

  
I sighed, “Can I use the bathroom?” I asked feeling the lump in my throat. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, to think about especially with my ass still dripping Vaseline and my leg muscles still aching from being held in a bent position for so long.

  
“Your scars do look bad,” Sandy agreed looking at me, “But I was going to ask you about that in private.”

  
“I skate board,” I said thinking on my feet.

  
I really didn’t see how any of it was their business. It’s not like I had made a choice to show off my bare chest, expose myself to them so I didn’t see why they felt like they had the right to ask me about it. In fact, I felt very naked without a shirt and not just because of my scars but because I seemed to get more stares whenever anything below my clavicle was showing even though most of my scarring was way below that down on my rib cage where Hank liked to bite and lick.

  
“Skate boarding doesn’t leave bite scars,” The girl with the short hair said looking at me.

  
“May I use the bathroom or not?” I asked looking at Sandy.

  
I wasn’t going to even try and defend that because in my eyes if I did it meant there was something to defend. If I was defending myself I was admitting that something happened. So, I wasn’t even going to say anything.

  
I just wanted to leave the room my skin feeling dirtier by the second thinking about how Dr. Huntz had kissed his way down my skin like they all did, how his hands had been pushing me down, holding me down by my shoulders, by my collar bone as he…how his hands had been literally everywhere on my body not even 10 minutes before I had stepped into the day room where we were now supposed to be talking about rape.

  
“Sure,” Hannah said standing up as I stood up and left as quickly as I could.

  
I went into my room and used the bathroom trying to catch my breath. Sitting down on the toilet putting my head between my legs trying to think. my head felt like it was rushing on the inside like a movie on fast forward everything moving too fast, all my thoughts racing. Being away from them, from the heat and the air and talk of things I couldn’t stand to listen to helped. It helped me feel still, feel grounded. I sighed heavily as I heard a light knock on my bedroom door which caused me to stay where I was sitting. I closed my eyes praying it wasn’t Gavin coming to see me, coming to do things to me because I knew I couldn’t take it that I would end up trying to claw my veins out with my own fingers or teeth if I thought it would keep me from having to be touched one more time.

  
“John?” I heard Hannah’s voice say calmly.

  
“Yeah?” I answered barely above a whisper.

  
“Are you ok?” She asked me.

  
“No, it’s no one’s business,” I answered still staying where I was in the stall with the door locked.

  
“You’re right. It’s not,” Hannah agreed calmly, “I have to make sure you’re ok though.”

  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine I just need a couple minutes,” I answered hoping she would go away.

  
“Just know you’re not alone. There are plenty of people who know exactly how you feel,” Hannah said after a minute or two of silence.

  
“Yeah I already knew that. That doesn’t mean I want to or have to talk about it,” I answered back.

  
“Do you think talking about it would help you though?” She asked me, “Because I can listen if you want to talk about it. I won’t judge you.”

  
“I’m not worried about anyone judging me I just…,” I shook my head and then it dawned on me she couldn’t see me, “I just don’t talk about it ok? It’s easier not to.”

  
“How much easier can it be, not talking about it I mean if you’re here?” She asked me.

  
“You don’t get it, you’re not like us you don’t get it,” I said.

  
“Male you mean?” She asked me. I responded with my silence, “You’re right I’m not but, that doesn’t mean I can’t understand. You’re young you’re young enough you probably get an erection every time you’re anxious or afraid so your body responding is na…” I cut her off.

  
“Don’t tell me it’s natural it’s not natural I don’t care what anyone says about it. My body hates me and that’s all there is to it and I wish I wasn’t trapped in it,” I snapped closing my eyes to keep from crying as I ran a hand through my hair to push it out of my face.

  
“Is that why you don’t eat like you’re supposed to? Because you hate your body? You hate yourself?” She asked me.

  
“I eat just fine,” I answered.

  
“No, you don’t I’ve watched you eat you barely touch anything at all until the last possible second probably because Burgess is warning you if you don’t eat we’ll supplement you.”

  
“Look,” I said finally standing up and opening the stall door looking at her, “I’m sorry I freaked up but it’s no one’s business what I’ve been through but mine and I plan to keep it that way and let as few people know as possible. Yeah everyone in that room knows because someone had to tally the results on the board and every single guy said yes but that doesn’t mean I have to sit and weep and share my feelings about it.”

  
“Do you care to tell me what happened?” She asked me.

  
“No, personally I don’t,” I answered honestly, “I’m not telling anyone shit anymore ok I’m done talking about it I would rather talk about football and Rugby and video games and god knows what else because I personally don’t feel like sharing anymore, I feel like I have shared enough.”

  
“What about why you tried to kill yourself?” She asked me.

  
“You want to know why I tried to kill myself because I was tired. Ok? I was tired I was tired of having 10 siblings to keep safe, I was tired of…life. I didn’t mean to hurt Will I didn’t mean for him to find me ok? That was a mistake but I couldn’t do it all right I couldn’t do it and I still feel like I can’t but now I’m stuck in a place where I have realized that before I thought I didn’t have freedom I was so very wrong. Here I really don’t so I just want to go home I want to drink my vodka and smoke and I want to forget it’s real,” I answered.

  
“Forget what’s real?” She asked me, “Your soccer coach? The fact that your mom has mental health problems as well?”

  
“My mum is fine,” I said.

  
“Ok well, you have to look at this way. Your dad is either a very good liar and was able to convince a judge and bunch of other people she has postpartum psychosis to the point where he needs medical guardianship over her and he’s a very abusive man who beats and rapes his wife and sexually abuses his children or she’s a very sick woman who truly thinks and believes things that aren’t real. A very sick and overwhelmed woman who needs real help. Which one do you think is more likely? Don’t you think someone would believe her if there was actually evidence he was doing those types of things to his family no matter how much money he has?” Hannah asked me.

  
“You saw the evidence everyone saw the evidence alright?” I said.

  
“Your chest you mean?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah, like that one girl said you don’t get bite scars from skate boarding,” I answered feeling unsteady on my feet as I realized what I was admitting to, what I had just said and how much it might actually cost Hannah.

  
“Can I see it?” She asked me suddenly.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Your scars can I see them again?” She asked me, “I barely saw them so obviously, I didn’t see what some of them saw so if I could see them again…” She trailed off as I lifted up my shirt turning my face away in shame as I help my shirt up. I could feel her eyes on me, staring at me.

  
“Those look really really recent,” She said and I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Those they still have welts on them like they’re very very fresh,” She said pointing to my waist where I realized my pants were sitting slightly lower than I was comfortable with and put my shirt down.

  
“It’s nothing, I had dry skin,” I said trying to think of a valid excuse as to why those would be there.

  
“I can tell by looking at your skin it’s not dry. It doesn’t look ashy or flaky at all anywhere so where did you get those?” She asked me.

  
“I don’t know, it itched,” I said again.

  
“You boys here are so secretive why are all of you so scared to say anything at all?” She asked suddenly as a look flickered across her face.

  
“What?” I asked trying to play dumb.

  
“There’s something wrong in this town,” She said suddenly, “Something is very very wrong here.”

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You said it yourself which was more likely,” I said.

  
“You’re right though you can’t get bite scars from skate boarding you said it yourself and at least two of those look like bite marks, human bite marks which means someone bite you which means that’s probably not the only thing they were doing especially considering one is very close to your nipple,” She answered me, “I’m going to figure out what this is and I’m going to stop it.”

  
“You can’t,” I said, “Pretend you don’t know please if you care about yourself, if you…if you ever want to be anything just do your time here and leave and never look back.”

  
“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked me as I shut the stall door again before she could say anything else.

  
I couldn’t help but feel like I had just killed this woman. Like she was already dead because of me. Because I had been stupid enough to leave a room without my shirt on because everyone had seen what I looked like under my clothes. This was all my fault. This woman was going to die because of me just like Dr. Jeffries had just like anyone who ever tried to help me probably would. In that moment, I decided I would never talk to anyone outside the brotherhood again. That no one would ever know and I’d stick to the excuses my Da told me to that way no one else would die because of me.

  
“John, come out,” She said sadly, “I’m sorry.”

  
“Don’t be sorry just keep it to yourself ok? Just forget about it,” I said.

  
“I can’t,” She answered.

  
“If you want to live you will,” I said, “I’m lying the whole thing is made up, I gave myself those scars just forget about it.”

  
“You couldn’t have,” She said.

  
“Sure, I could have, I’m a liar I’m sick like my mum alright?” I said, “Just drop it.”

  
“I know you’re not lying and I’m going to put a note in your chart to Dr. Swartzman …” She said before I cut her off.

  
“I wouldn’t do anything to draw his attention to this if I were you,” I said my heart feeling like it was about ready to stop at just the mention of his last name.

  
I was his. I was his property and there was nothing anyone could do or say that would change that for the next six months of my life and I knew that. I had come to accept that and I just wanted to go home so I could enjoy a couple days without possibly being grabbed and forced down onto some surface while someone shoved themselves into my orifices where I didn’t want them to be. Have someone’s hands causing my skin to feel like it was on fire or covered in acid.

  
“He can report it to the right authorities,” She answered, “Yeah, ok well can I asked something and I want you to answer honestly. Is someone at home hurting you?”

  
“No,” I lied the best I could knowing that she couldn’t see my face helped because I knew if I had been looking in the face I would have started crying right then in there the lie hurting so much because I wanted her to help. I did I wanted someone to get me out of the situation I was trapped in but I wasn’t willing to kill another person in order to do it.

  
“Ok,” She answered, “Well take a couple minutes to collect yourself and then you need to come back to group.” She sighed as she walked away.

  
When I was sure she was gone and I was alone and no one was coming in to check on me again I opened the stall door again and splashed my face with some cold water before I pulled off my pants and wiped myself down in other places so I no longer felt sticky and gross before allowing myself a few minutes to air dry and putting my pants back on to walk back to group. I didn’t want to go back but I knew I had to even though I was dreading it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John figures out there is more to Eric hating him than just the number branded into his hip. John has a violent encounter in isolation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 292 to 303. I think it's a short chapter but I feel like it's very emotional like there's a lot of details in it so just happens to be kind of short. WARNINGS: Rape/NON-con, Forced oral, anal fingering, shower rape, physical injury, dick bruising, anal rape, anxiety, fear, mental health issues.

When I got there, I noticed the day room was mostly empty now with Josh sitting there and Troy but all of the other guys seemed to be gone and someone tapped me on the shoulder making me jump into the air scaring the living shit out of me.  
“Holy fuck!” I exclaimed as Dom mumbled a sheepish sorry to me from behind.

  
“Like all the girls starting asking really weird questions and then this one girl Ashley I think she asked Burgess like whether he’d been…well no way to be coy about it I guess. She basically asked him if he’d ever had to suck a dick before and so he got pissed, right? I mean I’d get pissed too but at the time I didn’t know what to do. So, both Ashley and Burgess are in the different isolation rooms right now because they started a yelling match,” Dom filled me in, “A lot of people got upset mostly us so we were allowed to wonder off and collect ourselves because they only have four isolation rooms.”

  
“Where is Gavin and whoever else is supposed to be here?” I asked feeling my face pale thinking of Adam trapped back there with one of them. Thinking of the things they would probably do to him.

  
“Gavin is…oh no,” Dom said his eyes going wide, “Fuck you really think he’s…?”

  
“He did it to me in our bedroom during quiet time so yeah probably,” I said.

  
“Oh fuck,” Dom hissed, “That’s why Dillon was like flipping the fuck out on his way down the hall.”

  
“I’m flipping the fuck out and I’m not boning Adam so yeah… I understand why he would be.” I said before I slapped my hand over my mouth realizing what I had just said.

  
“Shit! You’re kidding?!” Dom asked me rather loudly, “That’s great, is everyone getting some TLC but me?”

  
“Wait everyone?” I asked.

  
“Ok fine not everyone but you and Pat have your thing going and then Cole…is well Cole, I don’t even know who is his banging anymore,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“Oh, god Cole and his Shenanigans,” I said shaking my head, “Who was he with last time you hung out with them?”

  
“Kristoff and he had a thing but Kristoff is off at college now, he apparently got into Yale,” Dom said, “There was this one kid Cole was starting a hang around with a new guy Toshi I think his name is but he goes by Tosh or something I think, he’s like Japanese or some shit. Just moved here he’ll be starting school with us.”

  
“What?” I asked, “That’s new.”

  
“Yeah he was contracted to someone. Tosh I mean apparently, he’s living with his contract and doing a foreign exchange program type deal. So, he’s going to school with us. I’m not even sure how they met but it seems like it’s just horsing around.  
“With Cole? Yeah, I figured,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Yeah,” Dom agreed, “I’ve never seen him do anything more than fuck and maybe kiss. I think losing Justin broke his heart.”

  
“Anyone else in here crossing swords you know about?” I asked.

  
“No,” He said.

  
“Then how it is everyone?” I asked again.

  
“Ok fine. I exaggerated,” Dom admitted, “I don’t know ok? It would be nice to have someone even if it wasn’t a girl.”

  
“Getting a little flexible?” I asked raising an eyebrow and smirking.

  
“I already was. It’s just I don’t know I’m not…I don’t know,” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

  
“You’re not comfortable?” I asked, “Same.”

  
“Really but I thought you and Pat…” He asked me.

  
“Kind of but then not at the same time. There’s a lot of making out getting pretty close to other stuff but most of the other stuff is well…he might kill me for telling you this but I tend to be more…”

  
“You’re dominate?” Dom asked me causing me to touch my tongue to my back molar, “Oh that’s funny. I never pegged you for the pitcher.”

  
“I have problems with…” I sighed.

  
“You mean allowing people to venture below the belt?” he asked me, “I get that. I really do. I’m the same way probably why I haven’t really…”

  
I nodded my head, “Pat is very understanding. Sometimes it makes me nervous how understanding he is. I know he wants to but he never says anything about it he just kind of allows me to lead.”

  
“I need someone like that. Someone to have fun with but who isn’t going to be pushy. There was this one guy for a while, Chuckie he was pretty cool at first but then the longer it went without me letting him explore the less tolerant he was so I broke it off before he got handsy and then I had a thing with man, I hate admitting it but I had a thing with Chad for a while when I was like 11 and that didn’t end well,” Dom said.

  
“Chad, Chad who seems like he has a major hard on for you Chad?” I asked.

  
“Yep. It was ok at first but then like with Chuckie it just. I couldn’t get comfortable with stuff and so he…” Dom trailed off, “And it wasn’t like I could say no. I mean, I did but according to the rules my no doesn’t mean anything since he’s a four. After that I’ve just kind of tried to avoid him as much as possible even at school because even at school if he sees me and he wants to he’s allowed to…you know.”

  
“Is that why Eric seems to hate me because he’s afraid I’ll…ask him for that?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know I can’t really answer that question. I know he sees you as a threat for sure. I think he might be jealous you’re with your real family where him and almost everyone else here is basically a piece of meat they’re allowed to use. I think Eric also feels kind of sick of privilege. He sees a lot of people get treated better than he does. Because we’re lighter skinned we get treated better just a little bit because you can obviously see our scars and bruises really well where on him they are harder to see.” Dom answered.

  
“His skin isn’t that dark,” I said.

  
“He feels like it is,” Dom answered, “I don’t mean to sound uneducated or whatever but haven’t noticed a lack of diversity within the brotherhood if you know what I’m saying?”

  
“Yes, I have,” I answered, “I think it’s weird personally but, you know it is what it is.”

  
“Yeah that’s how we feel about it but him, he feels out numbered. I don’t know, they move ones around a lot I’m sure in other places they have more kids that are of different races but being down in Florida it seems like we’re white washed. So, I think he feels resentful of it. He’s taken to bullying a lot of other ones around. Like the younger kids like…well like that” Dom said.

  
“You mean like he’s been getting…?” I trailed off. I didn’t want to think about someone doing that to some poor kid especially Eric. The way he seemed so angry about everything. He was probably like Uncle Ben extremely violent and aggressive, dangerous.  
“Yeah, just seems like he’s tired of watching the good old boys club type of set up they have going on. So, he’s been getting Handsy not here obviously but at the Villa he’s gotten sent to the back room more than once for putting his hands on one poor kid or another. Like sometimes because we’re ones and twos no one cares about us so they make us babysit the littles if we’re not on the tables. Like the kids that are eight and under. I’ve had babysitting duty with him. It’s…its gross and he’s rough. So, in turn handlers are rough with him. He’s going to get himself killed.” Dom said shrugging his shoulders.

  
I snorted, “Good old boys they are not. Maybe him not being around won’t be a bad thing if he does get killed. I mean, I would feel sorry for him but he’s kind of an asshole and you don’t do that to little kids. I don’t know what he’s trying to pull but it seems like he’s trying to get into the brotherhood. You know become a handler. Is that even possible?”

  
“That’s for damn sure,” Dom agreed, “Can you jump rank? It’s not unheard of but it’s rare. The easiest way to jump a rank is to get adopted like Pop and Dad adopted me. Otherwise I’ve heard this one guy won the lotto and he jumped rank. But that’s like the only two ways I really remember ever hearing about. Like I could decide I want to be in the brotherhood. I don’t want to and never will but if I decided that I would stay a two. I would be a 2 handler even though Pop and Dad are rank four. Any kids I have would either be a two or because they are technically inheriting any money Pop and Dad give me and they have decent money they might be bumped up to three’s but I’m not 100 percent on that. However, when you jump rank you get rebranded which is not very fun from what I understand and just about as painful as it is to go through it the first time.

  
“You think he’ll ever stop trying to pick fights with me?” I asked Dom, changing the subject back to Eric.

  
“I wouldn’t count on it if I were you, however if he tries to make a racket again just tell someone. They’ll stop it.”

  
Just then the Unit door opened and in walked Neal my eyes going wide. I didn’t want to deal with him. Why on earth did he have to have the night shift? I started shaking before I could stop myself and Dom noticed where my eyes were glued wide and afraid.  
“Oh, ok John come on, let’s go in the day room ok?” He said grabbing my arm and steering me gently into the day room where all the girls were sitting with Josh laughing and smiling.

  
“Are you ok John?” Debbie asked, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  
“He’s just not feeling well,” Dom said.

  
“John, do you need to go to isolation?” Hannah asked me.

  
“No, no,” I whimpered.

  
I didn’t want to be anywhere where Neal could get me alone. Because I knew what he was planning, what he wanted to do. I had already been touched five times that day I didn’t want anyone else to touch me. I wanted to cower somewhere he couldn’t touch me and in Isolation he had every chance he could ever want with me.

  
“Hey,” Josh said quietly sitting down on the other side of me, “Don’t think about it ok? I won’t let it happen. I swear to you I will do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen. I promise you. Five or not you’re one of us.”

  
“Ok,” Nodded my head closing my eyes, “ok.”

  
“Guys what’s going on?” Hannah asked.

  
“Nothing you have to worry about miss Hannah,” Josh answered her.

  
“Well, ok then, we’re going to do goals group really quick here and then after goals we’re going to do showers for those who want one or need one and then bed around 10 ok?” Hannah said.

  
Gavin smiled at Hannah, “Ok well Hannah I’m out my shift is over. Have fun.”

  
“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” Hannah said dismissing Gavin.

  
“Ok now we’ll start with Debbie and work our around,” Hannah said.

  
“Ok my goal the morning was to convince enough people to play soccer that way we could play it in gym. I failed my goal but not through any fault of my own I asked everyone and I got five people to agree to play but I needed more but I really tried I even asked John didn’t I John?” Debbie said looking at me and I nodded my head in response.

  
“Well, good at least you tried to achieve your goal,” Hannah said, “What about you Terra?”

  
The really thin girl with the short hair sighed, “My goal was to eat all of my food at every meal and I did. I didn’t like it but I did.”

  
“Good, What about you Clara?” She asked.

  
“My goal for the day was to make a new friend and try to be nice. I really did try to be nice any questions I asked if the person didn’t want to answer I dropped. So, I think I did good there but I didn’t make any new friends so I think I’ll have the same goal for tomorrow,” Clara answered.

  
“Good to hear, think if you really want that to be your goal tomorrow. Ron, what was you goal the morning?” She asked Ron.

  
“To just focus on myself,” Ron said, “I didn’t really talk a lot so I guess my goal was met. I feel calm today not so anxious.”

  
“Good,” Hannah said writing something down on her note pad.

  
“My goal was to keep my temper under control and I failed because someone is a whiny ass bitch who thinks their life is so horrible,” Eric said, “Not naming names.”

  
“Eric cut the fuck out,” Dillon said.

  
“Dillon!” Hannah warned him, “Language both of you! Try harder and be nice, all right?”

  
“He needs to lay off of him. He’s a fucking kid,” Dillon said.

  
“You’re only a year older,” Dom said looking at Dillon.

  
“Still,” Dillon said, “He seriously needs to stop.”

  
“Yeah, I agree with you there but, don’t act like you’re that much older,” Dom said.

  
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here.” I said, “I’m sitting right here guys. Eric, why do you hate me? I would have thought me being here would make you hap…” I trailed off as it dawned on me, “Who is it?” I asked.

  
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He asked me.

  
“I’m not fucking stupid. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Who is it?” I asked again and he just shrugged his shoulders. “Fine fuck ever don’t tell me but it’s not my fault. Ok? Know it’s not my fault,” I said.

  
“Yeah, it’s not your fault coming in here with that smooth milky skin and those eyes.” He said a snarl on his face, “Sure keep telling yourself that. It’s not your fault.”

  
“Oh, shit didn’t see that coming,” Troy said shaking his head.

  
“Guys what in the world is…,” Hannah started to ask as Neal came into the room.

  
“I think it’s time for the girls to go to their own day room. Hannah, if you’ll take them over,” Neal asked.

  
“Yeah sure, ladies come on,” Hannah said as all the girls got up and filed out of the room standing by the door that separated the sides. Neal waited until they were gone and then shut the day room door.

  
“I don’t want…” I started to speak but Eric cut me off.

  
“You don’t want to? Well you certainly don’t fight it now do you? He treats me better than any of the others and you just come in here and bend over and all of the sudden he doesn’t care about me. If he’s on me no one else is,” Eric said.

  
“This is interesting. Fighting over Sam really?” Neal asked smiling.

  
“He doesn’t fuck want Sam,” Dom spit, “Take Sam. Seriously, go for it. He doesn’t care. He just wants to be left alone.”

  
“Is that true Johnny Angel? We’ve broken you that fast?” Neal taunted licking his lips as he looked at me.

  
“Hey man I’m right here he’s not going to touch you,” Josh reminded me, “Don’t you dare look at him like that. I will beat your face in.” Josh warned him.

  
“You really think you could?” He asked Josh, “You want to know something? He takes it like a champ.”

  
My stomach instantly turned sour and I covered my mouth with my hand because I knew I was about to throw up. He was going to tell everyone everything. About what had happened how he had raped me in the shower how he had…done things to me and my body had given him what he wanted. I ran over to the trash can the threw up my heart pounding in my ears. I didn’t want other people to know about what he had done to me. What had happened.

  
“Hey, you’re all right,” I heard Dom say somewhere behind me, “You’re all right.”

  
I was shaking my chest heaving I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I could barely hear him. I knew I was having a panic attack and that it was a really bad one. Sort of like the one I had in front of my mum, in front of Pat. I felt like I wanted to scream and I need to but, I couldn’t. Before I could stop myself, I threw my arms around Dom trying to keep myself from shaking.

  
“Hey, it’s ok, you’re going to be ok man,” Dom said allowing me to hug him tightly wishing he were Pat. Wishing that he was the one person that could make me feel like I wasn’t being attacked.

  
“Come on we have to go into Isolation,” Neal said as I closed my eyes hugging Dom tighter.

  
“Nope, we got it,” Josh said before I heard a commotion squeezing Dom tighter around the middle as he held onto me, wrapping his arms around me light.

  
“It’s ok John just breathe, just breathe,” He whispered into my ear and I could hear his breathing catch like he was pain.

  
“You’re not fucking touching him!” Josh hissed.

  
“You really want a dart because I can call a code. Let me do my job Josh,” Neal fired back.

  
“So, your job is fuck little boys now? My bad I thought you were an orderly,” Josh shot back.

 

Gavin rolled his eyes walking backwards slowly and opening the door before shouting out to the person at the desk, “Can you Paige Dr. Allcome for me? NOW!”

  
Josh shook his head, “Try it. I mean it try to touch him I fucking dare you Neal.”

  
Just then a bunch of guys in scrubs came out of the door where the isolation rooms were two of them calmly walking up to us when the girl at the desk pointed in our direction, “You paged Allcome?” One of them asked.

  
“I need to take someone out and the others aren’t letting me. This one,” He pointed at Josh is about to become very combative.”

  
“If you touch him you better fucking believe I’m going to…” Josh managed to get out before one of the guys tackled him to the ground pinning his arms behind his back.

  
“Now just calm down son he’s only trying to do his job,” the one on Josh’s back told Josh as he struggled and bucked trying to get out of the guy’s grip.

  
“THE FUCK HE IS! HE’S GOING TO FUCKING RAPE HIM! GET OFF ME AND STOP HIM!” he said as I felt someone grab my arms.

  
“Come on it’s ok,” Neal said quietly.

  
“Please Neal,” Dom said quietly, “Please I’m begging you don’t do this to him.”

  
“It doesn’t have to be hard ok?” Neal said just loud enough for Dom and me to hear. He lets go of you and he comes with you neither one of you have to get hurt I promise.”

  
“He needs a break please Neal. Not him, not right now please?” Dom begged for me in a whisper Neal finally working my arms free of Dom’s waist.

  
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted Neal gone I wanted to be in a room where he wasn’t. I felt so sick and so weak and so scared and almost like I was dying. I felt like I couldn’t as Neal wrapped his arms around my whole body pulling me and pulled me away.

  
“Come on Angel,” Neal said taking me away.

  
I didn’t get a chance to look back but I knew Dom and Josh were thoroughly pissed Hearing Josh swearing and struggling against the guy on his back that was holding him down another guy rushing out from somewhere with a needle in his hand as he charged into the day room. Neal lead me away faster than I felt like my brain could process what was happening and threw me in a padded room shutting the door behind him as he pushed me hard into one of the walls.

  
“I won’t hurt, actually someone had a talk with me about that earlier, don’t be rude, tube your dude before you get nude,” He said laughing at himself as if that was supposed to calm me down.

  
Nothing was going to make me less nervous about being in a room alone with him. Especially after he had pulled me away from Dom. Pulled me away from one of the only people that was making me feel safe. Feel grounded in the middle of this insanity. Especially because earlier he had raped me and sucked me off, asking me if it was possible for me to come again. Especially after he had taunted me, telling me how good I was, how he wanted more.

  
“I just want to play. Will you be my bottle?” He asked undoing the snaps on my pants.

  
“No, no no no no no no no,” I begged, “Please anything but that, anything but that.”

  
“Come on angel,” he said letting my pants fall down, it’ll feel good. I’ll worship you my beautiful angel.”

  
“No, anything but that please,” I said shaking my head, “Seriously please.”

  
“You taste so good though,” he said smiling at me, “You lay down we’ll make it more fun, I’ll suck you until you can’t cum anymore doesn’t that sound nice?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to please.”

  
“Come on just lay down with me,” he coaxed, grabbing my arm and forcing me down next to him on the floor as he rubbed my cheek before he started pushing my shirt up my torso with his other hand, “I just want to see.” He said kissing along my jaw bone.  
“Stop it I’ll scream,” I warned him.

  
“No, you won’t, because you don’t want to be drugged,” Neal said, “No, you’re mine all night Johnny Angel and until Levi can step out in an hour for condoms I have to find other things to do to entertain myself ok? So, you’re going to lay here for me and be a good boy and run your hands through my hair while I make you moan my name yeah?”

  
“Please?” I begged really desperate by this point.

  
I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I didn’t want his mouth anywhere on my skin. I was crying and I knew I was crying. If this guy did what he wanted to I was going to find a chance to cut my dick off because I didn’t want it anymore. Especially if all it meant was someone else got to make it do things I didn’t want it to do. Feel things I didn’t want to feel.

  
“Come on, just let it happen ok?” He said pushing my shirt up so it wasn’t really covering me starting to kiss and lick my chest my whole body shaking. I knew I had no choice, no control that I had to let him do it. That I couldn’t stop him and that if I tried to that he would just tie me down. Or that he would give me something to make it so I couldn’t move so, I couldn’t speak. That way I couldn’t let him know how much I hated this, how much I didn’t want to be with him.

  
“Calm down angel,” he whispered into my nipple biting it making me squirm under his touch, “That’s it, let it happen.” He said his fingers on my rib cage his hands rubbing up and down my sides as he dragged his tongue down my ribs as he reached down and grabbed me pumping me slowly and rhythmically.

  
I covered my face with my hands trying to hide the fact I was crying. That I couldn’t stop myself from crying as I felt his tongue and lips playing with the space of skin between my belly button in my base making it hard to breathe, making my face feel hot. Once his nose was touching my shaft his licked his way down my shaft and under it his tongue swiping over every inch I had before he latched onto my tip and started suckling.

  
He kept me in that room for hours. Sucking on me like I was a sucker that never dissolved bringing me right to the brink and then stopping. Over and over and over until all I felt tingles under my skin and I could barely think let alone move or fight. He sucked and licked and nibbled on me until I felt raw and bruised and when he finally let me orgasm it hurt. It hurt so bad that if I could have screamed I would have. When he was done, he left me there coming back only briefly to throw me some ice and a blanket.

  
He left me in there all night with just a blanket and ice on my crotch which helped but didn’t really fully take care of the bruising. It was awesome. Like I thought my dick had hurt before when they’d gotten too rough with that but this, this was real pain. I felt like if I tried to walk it wouldn’t be happening until I stood up and knocked on the door at some point. It was still early enough the sun was barely up but someone answered the door opening the wide before I could react making me step back.

  
“Out of ice?” He asked me smiling.

  
“Can I have a towel?” I asked. I wanted to shower his spit off of me, the feeling of his hands off of me.

  
He looked me up and down his eyes raking from my toes to the top of my head making me shiver before he licked his lips, “What will you do for it?”

  
“I need a shower,” I answered looking at him.

  
“What will you do for it?” He asked again.

  
“Nothing,” I answered thinking of what he was talking about. Thinking of how he probably wanted me on the floor again letting him do things when I was still sore.

  
“Nothing? really? Nothing to feel clean before you go to group?” He asked pulling a small square out of his pocket. I didn’t want to have sex with him but it was better then what had happened last night. I sighed heavily.

  
“I just want to go home,” I answered shaking my head.

  
“You’re going to smell like sex all day if you don’t get a shower. You think you were being picked on before imagine how bad you’re going to be bothered if everyone can smell me on you?” Neal said reminding me of how it always smelled like sweat and a bit of body spray or cologne that had rubbed off on my skin.

  
“Are you going to make it hurt?” I asked scared of his answer knowing he wasn’t exactly happy with the fact he had to let me go, had to let me leave the isolation room and go back out where people could see me. Go back out so I was in a place where I couldn’t be his toy.

  
“I think I’ve hurt you enough, and on accident I might add. You taste so sweet though I got a little overly enthusiastic,” he said as I felt my cheeks flush in both anger and embarrassment.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head residing myself to the fact that he was going to rape me. That he was going to shove his huge dick up my ass and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

  
“Ok Angel I’ll be back in a minute,” he said excitedly shutting the door and walking away.

  
I waited hands crossed in front of me my nerves on over drive knowing what he was going to do once he got back. How even if he didn’t mean to it was going to hurt at least a little because I couldn’t relax enough. Because I couldn’t stand the feel of him against my back, any of them. I didn’t like the feeling of them inside of me bumping against that spot so they could feel me squirm as they pressed as deep into me as they could, so they could make me hate myself and everything in my life. How they could make me wish I were dead.

  
When he came back he had a huge smile on his face and three towels along with a bottle of Vaseline and a wash cloth. I shivered looking at him knowing what he wanted. Knowing that he was going to take me into the shower and force me to spread my legs leaning forward so he could grab me in all the places I didn’t want to be grabbed. I went into the bathroom and he followed me.

  
He watched as I pulled my shirt off and then my pants hissing at me lightly as he saw the damage he had done the night before under the bathroom lights. He tore his clothes off and turned on the water getting close enough to me to make me jump.  
“Hey, relax I’ll go slow ok?” he said as the water hissed coming out of the shower head the spray heavy and hot filling the room with steam.

  
I just nodded my head and got under the spray the pressure feeling good against my back that was sore because while the floor was padded it was still a little too firm making my body ache and I closed my eyes for a moment absorbing the water allowing it to soak into my skin and wet my hair rolling my shoulders lightly to try and get the stiffness out. He grabbed my shoulders and started to massage them making me freeze. I didn’t want to do this at all. Anything that made it feel consensual was not ok to me. I didn’t want him to massage me, kiss me, hug me none of it. I wanted him to stick me and get it done and over with.

  
“Don’t,” I hissed trying to pull away from him in the small stall bumping my knee on the stone bench built into the wall.

  
“Just relax,” He cooed pressing down on my shoulders harder forcing me forward as I used my knees to try and support myself against the bench one of his cold wet fingers finding its way inside of me past my first ring of muscle making me gasp, “That’s it angel.” He murmured kissing along my shoulder blade gently.

  
“Wait,” I whimpered as he pushed his finger up inside before he added another one making me cry out because I wasn’t ready his insertion being rough, rushed, “No.” I said shaking my head.

  
“It’s ok Angel.” He muttered as he moved behind me getting onto his knees before he shoved his tongue deep into my ass as I bit into my cheek to keep myself from screaming out or moaning.

  
God, I hated this. I hated how it felt good and I couldn’t stop it from feeling good no matter what I tried my eyes going wide thankful he couldn’t see my facial expression as he moaned into me sending a weird vibration through my body.

  
“God, you taste so good.” He moaned against my tailbone before driving his tongue back into me forcefully enough to push me almost face first into the wall.

  
“St-st-stop,” I managed to barely stutter as he slid a finger back in under his tongue.

  
“You know it feels good. Just let it feel good,” he said sliding his second finger back in as he stood up releasing me for a second slapping me lightly on the ass and laughing, “I’ll make sure it feels nice I promise.” He said as I gasped with relief because he had broken contact if only for a brief few moments my whole body shaking in fear and turmoil.

  
When he came back in he was fully erect that monster staring at me as I felt my eyes go wide. He laughed, “Yeah I know it’s impressive not that yours won’t be one day for your age though you’re a really nice size.” He said coming up behind me and reaching around to grab me making me whine in pain as he rubbed his dick into my ass crack lining it up to enter me.

  
“Please no,” I begged not sure which one I was more scared of him grabbing my dick and causing me extreme pain because of the bruises he’d left there last night from sucking and nibbling too hard or the pain I was about to be in when he pushed his way into me. My whole body tensed in anticipation.

  
“Just push out,” he muttered into the base of my neck as he slowly started to push his way in the pain heating up my back side and shooting up my spine and I tried to relax, tried to allow it to happen so that I didn’t get hurt anymore then I already was. Once he was in all the way he stopped moving for a minute just like my Da always did giving my body time to adjust around him, time to adjust to the feeling of him inside of me as he kept licking and nibbling at my shoulders and neck the sensation tickling and making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“There we go angel,” he said finally moving causing a wave of shock to climb up and down my spine making me gasp before I could stop myself, “God you’re so tight, how are you always so tight?” He asked using my hips to guide his way in and out as I stayed leaning on the bench on my knees using the wall the brace myself as I tried to bite back the screams and cries trying to claw their way out of my throat, “Oh fuck yeah,” He muttered into my skin.

  
At first, he moved slowly and then his pace picked up going faster and deeper until he managed to find that spot. The pressure in my body started to grow until it got to a point where I could no longer keep myself from crying. I struggled to bite back my sobs as the pain grew in my groin as I got close to climax. When he finished inside of me he didn’t pulled out right away but stayed there kissing my neck and back and shoulders rubbing me gently but still causing me pain causing me to sob and bite into my arm as I climaxed and he pulled out. He held me so I didn’t collapse helping me turn around so I could sit on the cold tile bench the chilly temperature feeling good numbing the soreness I was feeling below the waist.

  
“Was I too rough?” he asked looking at me like he was really worried about my wellbeing as I tried to stifle my tears and suck it up hating that I was crying in front of him.

  
I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head pulling my knees up to my chest shielding my body from his gaze as he looked at me that same look still in his eyes, that same hungry look all of them always had when they looked at me.

  
He sighed, “Ok well, clean up and then I’ll meet you out in the foyer and do your vitals ok?” He said and I just nodded my head. He dried off and put his clothes back on shutting the bathroom door behind him.

  
I scrubbed myself as hard as I dared everything feeling sore and used. You would think I would have been used to it by now since I was just about always sore but taking nearly 11 inches is no small feat for anyone especially when you’re already black and blue because someone got a little too careless when treating you like a bottle in certain ways. my whole lower half was covered in this stinging burning pain every time I took a step. When I was done in the shower I found a fresh uniform by the sink and put it on rinsing my face with cold water because it was very obvious I had been crying before I went out into the foyer.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes a deal with Neal unsure whether Neal will keep up his end of the bargain. John admits to himself he's broken as his friends worry about him and continue to do their best to protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 303 to 319 short chapter, more hospital stuff Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced anal figuring, physical abuse, sexual abuse,

I don’t really remember much about vitals besides Gavin was the one who took them and I just kept answering every question with how I wanted to go home, how I was fine and I just wanted to go home. I figured home was better than this, that home with just Da and sometimes Uncle Ben was better than dealing with five different men a day shoving whatever they wanted to up my business end and putting their mouths against my skin where it didn’t belong.

  
At least at home I could talk to Pat on the phone anytime I wanted even if I wasn’t allowed to see him in person. At home, at least I had my brothers and sisters there to give me something else to do. Something else to think about.

  
I sat down in the day room next to Adam who was already awake and he looked at me closely watching me avoid his gaze, “Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
I just nodded my head biting my lower lip. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to really talk about any of it anymore. Why I was there, why I had tried to kill myself. The fact that I was untouchable but obviously not. The fact that Eric hated me because of a number on my hip or the fact that I was just a toy like everyone there.

  
I wanted to go home. I wanted to call Pat and listen to his voice on the other end of the phone telling me it would be ok, that he would try and sneak over to see me when my Da was working or that he would see me at school in a week when it started and we would sneak into the bushes into our spot where we would smoke and he would hold me, his hands making me feel warm where I only ever felt cold. Making me feel alive when I only ever felt dead.

  
“Did he keep you in back all night?” Adam asked me.

  
I didn’t respond.

  
“That bad huh?” he asked, trying again.

  
I pulled my knees up under my chin again folding in on myself trying to shut the world out.

  
“He had me back there all evening until around 1am, Gavin did,” Adam said still continuing his one-sided conversation, “I hated it. I couldn’t fall asleep for the longest time. Had to crawl in bed with D to get the feeling of him staring at me to go away. I honestly was surprised he didn’t do more than he did, his rude jokes and remarks talking about how if Neal wasn’t around he would do this that and the other thing.”

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t feel like talking about it but that wasn’t his fault. It really wasn’t something that I felt like discussing. How Neal had just raped me after preforming oral on me all night until I could no longer get hard because it hurt so much. Making me orgasm until it was basically impossible for me to do so. I hoped that at least it would stop others from touching me for the rest of the day but I had doubts that would be the case.

  
“Are you going to speak at all?” Adam asked his eyes flashing to me worried.

  
What was I supposed to say? I didn’t want to speak because if I did I was afraid I was going to scream? That I just wanted to go home? That even Leo was better than Neal leaning into my back bumping up against that spot that made my eyes start to roll and calling me angel because at least with Leo I didn’t have to worry about screaming no don’t or stop because he liked hearing it and I didn’t have to worry about being drugged against my will to the point where I couldn’t scream?

  
Just then Dom hurried in his hair wet from his shower looking at me his eyes wide, “Where were you last night?” He asked me to which I pointed at the desk meaning I was in isolation.

  
“What does that mean?” He asked looking at the desk the skin on his neck getting a green tint to it as he looked at Neal, “No, fuck. Are you ok?”

  
I shook my head burying my face in my knees. I didn’t want to talk about this, I didn’t want to be here. I just wanted to be home. I wanted my mum and Pat and my siblings. I wanted to feel safe which was something I really did not feel anywhere near close to.

  
Dom sat down in the chair next to me making me flinch and hug my knees closer to my chest. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him it was that I didn’t want to be touched. My whole body just feeling on over load in a way it never had before. I knew I needed to try and keep calm otherwise I’d end up in the back again for Gavin or whoever to continue doing god knows what to me.

  
“Is there anything I can do?” Dom asked me.

  
I looked up running a shaky hand through my hair shaking my head. I didn’t know what to say. What was there to say. I wanted Pat that’s all I wanted was to talk to him, feel his hands on my skin erasing the past three days, hell I would have probably even let him go below the waist band of my jeans just so it was someone I wanted, just so the feeling on my skin, the memories were there from someone I wanted. I started crying I knew if I spoke I would start screaming so I bit my lips closed turning them into a thin white line.

  
“Oh John,” Dom said reaching his hand out hovering near my knee like he wanted to touch me, to offer me comfort but he was afraid what touching me would do, “Come on, let’s go to the room ok?” He said softly trying to keep me calm.

  
“Yeah man come on, I’ll walk you two down there,” Adam said nodding his head standing up and walking to the door.

  
I unwrapped myself still crying silently, openly. I didn’t want to be here anymore I just wanted to go home. I wanted Pat. I wanted him so bad I could feel it in the ache in my bones. I moved slowly and stiffly walking down the hallway to the room Dom and I shared. When I got into the room I climbed into my bed and pulled the covers up over my head as Dom and Adam stood in the door way whispering.

  
“Should we go tell someone?” Adam asked.

  
“No, not until Mr. Tony gets here,” Dom answered, “All anyone else is going to do is make it worse you know why he’s like this. Neal did something really bad to him. Nothing is going to make this better.

  
“I just want to go home,” I finally managed some words.

  
“Ok John,” Dom said softly walking over to me, “I can’t do that but can you tell me what happened? I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but, maybe you’ll feel better.”

  
I shook my head, “No, I just want to go home.”

  
“What if at lunch time I call Pat for you?” Dom asked me softly.

  
“He can’t come here so it doesn’t matter. I just want to go home,” I said again.

  
“John please,” Dom said, “What happened?”

  
“I just want to go home,” I sniffled.

  
Adam sighed, “Hey, listen to me ok? You need to tell us what happened so we know who we need to keep away from you ok? If for no other reason than that, at least give us a name please?”

  
“Neal,” I said my whole body starting to shake, “I’m bruised because he…”

  
“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “Ok, we’ll keep you safe ok? I’ll try and get Pat on the phone at lunch. Just try and stay calm so they don’t put you in the back all right? At least not until he’s gone. His shift ends after breakfast I’m pretty sure. You think you can stay calm?”

  
“I’ll try,” I answered, “Right now I just kind of what to, not be here so I’m going to stay right here.”

  
“You have to go to goals group,” Adam said, “It’s boring just come up with a goal and that’s it pretty much.”

  
“I can’t,” I answered, “Not with them out there I can’t.”

  
“We won’t let them near you John I swear it, I’ll tell Josh and he’ll keep them away from you, all of us will I promise,” Adam said, “D and I and Josh will protect you.”

  
“Yeah while Eric scoffs at all of us saying that I’m pathetic that I don’t know anything? That I don’t understand what it’s like to hurt and thinks I want any of them to…”

  
“Hey, we know you don’t want them to ok? We know and Eric knows that too he’s just so lost in whatever Sam has shown him that no one else has he doesn’t see it that way ok? They are all sick they are rapist, they rape us we don’t want what they do none of us do,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah John, we’ll keep you as safe as we can you just have to stay calm ok?” Adam said.

  
“I can’t not with them staring at me I can’t. I just want to go home,” I said.

  
“Please John,” Dom said, “We’ll be right there with you. They aren’t going to touch you not as long as we are there I swear it.”

  
“He sucked me until I couldn’t…and then he,” I shook my head no able to think about it anymore.

  
“It’s ok John,” Dom encouraged me, “it’s ok he won’t be able to touch you again as long as you stay calm, alright?”

  
I nodded my head and swallowed. I really didn’t want to sit in a room with them. I wanted to sit in a room with them as much as I wanted to be alone in a room with my Da or Hank or Leo. They really were trying to break me and it was working.

  
“Ok, let’s go to the day room and we’ll do goals and then breakfast,” Adam said walking out into the hallway as Dom and I followed going into the day room where everyone else was starting to gather.

  
Gavin smiled when he looked at me, “How are you the morning John? Did you have a good night?” He asked as Dom looked at me waiting to see what I would do if I was going to be calm or if I was going to freak out.

  
“I slept ok,” I lied as his smile grew.

  
“Good to hear it,” he said as Josh came in and Adam pulled him aside and whispered something to him.

  
I noticed they made a circle of sorts around me Dom and Josh on one side and Adam and Dillon on the other as I sat in the middle my knees tucked under my chin trying to make myself as small as possible hoping that if I could stay small I could go unnoticed however sad and useless the attempt may have been sitting in a room with Neal and Gavin.

  
Tyler walked in still half asleep and took in the scene taking a chair and pulling it away from the table towards us sitting in it backwards resting his arms on the top and looking at me.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“He’ll be fine, we’ve got it,” Dom said looking at Tyler intensely to which Tyler nodded in understanding.

  
“If you need me I’m here guys alright?’ Tyler said and Josh nodded his head.

  
“He’ll be all right, he’s a kid they would have to stick me with the biggest ass dart in the world in order for me not to step in,” Josh assured Tyler.

  
“So, what is the next movie we’re watching?” Josh asked suddenly looking at everyone, “Because I don’t know about you but today if she’ll let us I want miss Kim to put a movie on during school because I am so tired of playing Pictionary and it’s like the last week before real school work starts.”

  
“I wouldn’t mind watching the mask of Zorro again,” Adam said after everyone was silent for a moment, “I mean it’s a good movie, hot girl lots of action.”

  
“Ok gentlemen,” Neal said coming into the room making me hug myself tighter as he looked at me, “Let’s do our goals for today we’ll start to the left of the room and work our way around.”

  
I don’t really remember everyone’s goals however I do remember Adam’s was to see the mask of Zorro and mine was to get off restriction so I could eat down in the cafeteria. Not that I didn’t like eating Lunch with Adam I just didn’t want to be on the unit with Gavin for every meal or stuck in my room during down time where he could repeat what happened yesterday. Especially because I still felt sore and tender.

  
When it was time for breakfast, the trays came up as everyone else was lined up to go down to breakfast and left for the cafeteria leaving Adam and I alone in the day room as some girl in a hair net brought us our trays and sat them at the table in front of us. When Adam pulled his off he sighed.

  
“I hate French toast.”

  
“I don’t mind it actually,” I said looking carefully at the two pieces of French toast and eggs with sausage links we had been given.

  
“Are you going to be able to eat this?” He asked me looking at me carefully watching my body language as I myself noticed the way my hands were shaking.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head not sure if it was true or not. I was afraid between Neal and Gavin. I was afraid even though Gavin was down in the cafeteria I didn’t really feel all that hungry. my whole body still remembering the night before what had happened how Neal had done those things to me all night more or less.

  
“Hey,” Adam said, “John you’re safe right now ok?”

  
I touched my face to brush my hair behind my ear and felt wetness on my cheek not even aware I was crying before that moment, “Yeah sorry,” I mumbled.

  
“Don’t be sorry, Neal is…he’s not very nice,” Adam said.

  
“You know?” I asked.

  
“Better than some yeah,” Adam said nodding his head raising his eyebrows at me sadly and grimacing, “Ask Nurse Pam for some ice it’ll make it feel better.”

  
“Won’t she ask for what?” I asked.

  
“Just tell her it’s a personal problem and she won’t ask too many questions,” Adam answered pouring his cup of syrup on his French toast.

  
“I’m supposed to see her anyway,” I said.

  
“For the stitches, it seems like you’re trying to hide on your arm? Yeah, she’s supposed to give you a jacket or something. I’m sure she’ll be by in a little while she’s got to get meds set up first and then she’ll probably come get you,” Adam said taking a bite of his sausage link and making a face.

  
“Don’t like sausage?” I asked chuckling a little as I realized how that could be taken.

  
“There you are,” He said after he swallowed, “Not my favorite food no, I just think it taste kind of gross like greasy.”

  
“At least it’s not oatmeal,” I said biting into my own food, “I was on an oatmeal diet before I tried to…before I ended up here.”

  
“Ah, yeah I think you told me that,” Adam said, “Been there done that, hated it.”

  
Just then Neal came in and sat down at the table next me making me freeze up. He wasn’t going to do anything in front of someone else, right? He wasn’t going to tell me I needed to come with him and pull me into the back where he was going to keep going?

  
“Hey angel, hey Adam,” he said causing Adam to glare at him.

  
“Don’t,” Adam said shaking his head.

  
“Don’t what?” he asked.

  
“Taunt him, leave him alone he’s a kid,” Adam warned him.

  
“What you going to play instead?” He asked looking at Adam whose face drained of color, “That’s what I thought.”

  
“Can I finish eating?” I asked without even thinking about it.

  
I hadn’t realized it then but what they had wanted to achieve they had. They had broken me. Gotten me so used to submitting and not having a choice in the matter that it seemed to me like it was unavoidable. They had me begging to go home begging to be in a place where Leo and my Da and my Da’s friends were the only ones who could get to me, who could touch me because at least most of them hurt. Most of them were rough while it was happening and not just my body fighting with the consequences of the after.

  
“Yeah Johnny Angel,” he said looking at me closely his hand hovering near mine which was on the table in front of me. I knew he wanted to grab it, wanted to touch me. I felt like I was squirming in my skin, in a place where I couldn’t escape.

  
“You’re sick you know that?” Adam asked looking at him, glaring at him.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe my hands shaking so badly I couldn’t hold my fork anymore. I didn’t want him that close to me but I knew there wasn’t anything I could do. The only thing I could do was listen to him and hope to god he didn’t do anything in front of people that I didn’t want them to see.

  
“But, I’m oh so great at sucking cock don’t you remember Adam?” He asked an evil sneer on his face.

  
Adam swallowed hard,” Don’t.” He shook his head.

  
“What? Like he hasn’t experienced it for himself?” Neal said looking at both of us, “Aren’t I good?”

  
“I’m…I’m not hungry anymore,” I answered.

  
“You’re so…I don’t believe this. He’s 13 years old you know how wrong this is? He doesn’t want you to. I don’t want you. None of this is ok why do you think this is ok?” Adam said a shocked look on his face.

  
“It’s not my job to judge what is ok or not it’s my job to make sure all of you understand what exactly it is you’re dealing with here,” Neal hissed, “You are supposed to understand we’re in charge not you and not him, we are. The sooner you get that the sooner you can go home. Now Johnny Angel is going to be a good little toy and he’s going to come with me when he’s done eating aren’t you beautiful?”

  
“I just want to go home,” I said clapping a hand over my mouth to keep myself from sobbing.

  
I didn’t want this I would rather it was my Da then this, then him. I didn’t want any of them near me. I didn’t want to have to feel them on my skin anymore not ever.

  
When everyone warned me they would make sure you never tried to kill yourself again they were right. I thought the gang bangs and the small parties my Da hosted were bad at least those weren’t every day. After only a day and half of being in this place I felt like being at home was heaven even if it meant I had to deal with Leo there. After three I knew being at home made me lucky. Lucky that I didn’t have to be like this every day.

  
Sure, there was Leo once I got back but at least once my contract picked up Leo would only be on the weekends and my Da would drop down to once a day or less but here. Five different people five times a day I couldn’t take that. I couldn’t deal with the feeling of that many hands on my skin, that many voices in my head. And at least at home there was the chance of Pat, of a phone call anytime I wanted instead of having to wait for phone time once a day to talk to him, to hear him tell me I was going to be ok when I needed him so badly. Needed to hear his voice. Hell, he could have been telling me that world was about to end and as long as it was coming from him it would have been a comfort.

  
Just then nurse Pam knocked on the day room door and walked in, “Hey John I have…” She looked up frowning at how close Neal was sitting to me, “Is everything ok here?”

  
Neal cleared his throat, “Yeah everything is fine just making sure they’re eating these two are both on watch for ED behaviors,” He excused himself.

  
“Yeah well you know there’s no PC and even if you aren’t touching John you’re a little close for comfort I think,” Nurse Pam said frowning, “So if you don’t mind I think I’ll sit here with them for a while.”

  
“Anything you say,” Neal said forcing a smile and getting up and walking away.

  
I sighed. I was thankful but I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her to know why or guess that I was that uncomfortable that he had been talking about forcing himself on me his lips on me in certain places when his lips shouldn’t be near me at all.  
“Are you ok John? You’re shaking,” Nurse Pam said sitting down next to me and I nodded my head in response, “Burgess?”

  
“Yeah, I’m cool,” Adam answered going back to his food.

  
“Ok good,” Nurse Pam said, “I brought you a hoody, it’s a zip up. Just wear it to keep your arm covered ok John?”

  
“Thank you,” I said taking the hoody she was handing me and slipping my arms into it.

  
It was gray and about three times too big for me big enough that if I zipped it up I could fit my whole body inside of it if I sat with my knees to my chest like I had been all morning before I sat down at the table. I was actually thankful for that. Feeling almost like it was something that would keep me safe from them. Another layer of protection between me and them, my body and their eyes.

  
“Here’s your medication, John take it and then when you’re done open your mouth and show me that it’s gone I need to see under your tongue too,” She said as she handed me a tiny cup with one tiny white pill in it. I took it swallowing it quickly and washing it down with some grape juice in a cup on my tray and opened my mouth showing her it was no longer there lifting up my tongue so she could check for it, “Good, thank you.” She said smiling as she handed Burgess his cup with a bunch of pills in it.

  
I did manage to eat all of my food in a timely manner even though my stomach was in knots watching Neal watching me from the desk in the foyer. I felt uneasy burying myself into my hoody that Nurse Pam had given me trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes on me. After I was done eating I went up to the med line and asked Pam for some ice and just like Adam said she would she didn’t ask any questions. I managed to shove the ice down my pants under my hoody as I sat on the couch and it made a world of difference the numbness feeling so much better than the stinging soreness of my bruises. It didn’t take long for everyone to return from breakfast the room filling up as we got ready for group. When it seemed like almost everyone was back I decided to get up and use the bathroom.

  
I looked myself in the mirror when I was done which is something I didn’t do often not being able to stand the sight of myself and I noticed how tired I looked how my cheeks were looking sunken and hallow and how I looked too thin for my height which I apparently had been gaining faster then I realized. I sighed if only they would leave me alone then maybe my body wouldn’t feel so worn out, so sore. I heard someone enter the room beyond the closed bathroom door and at first I hoped it was just Dom but when they opened the door it was Neal and he sent me running into the stall slamming the door shut.

  
“Now, now don’t be that way,” Neal said as I hit the latch locking him out my whole body shaking.

  
“Please don’t I’m still sore please just don’t,” I said trying to stop my heart from pounding in my chest keeping myself as far back in the stall as I could so he couldn’t grab my legs and pull me to the floor and out the gap in the bottom of the stall.  
“Come on out Johnny Angel, I won’t hurt I swear. I know I got a little carried away last night and I’m sorry. You just taste so good, I can make you feel good in other ways though if you let me,” he said quietly like he was trying sooth me.

  
“No,” I whined shaking my head, “Please.”

  
“Come on beautiful just a little bit. Kiss you and make you tingle in the all the right places, you’ll enjoy it,” he cooed.

  
“I don’t want to,” I insisted.

  
“Yes, you do,” he said, “It’ll feel good my tongue up in there, my fingers finding that sweet spot that will make you moan.”

  
I felt the air catch in my lungs. I didn’t want it. It didn’t matter what he said, what my body made him think. I hated it.

  
I didn’t want any of them to touch me like that. I would rather die than have him touch me again. I would rather Leo or my Da be on top of me doing things again then letting Neal touch me again. I snapped my eyes shut leaning against the wall hoping that he would just go away and leave me there, leave me alone.

  
“You come out I’ll talk to the doctor about getting you off of restriction. I’ll tell him you’ve been good maybe even tell him you’re just about ready to go home,” Neal said.

  
I sighed. I wasn’t sure I could trust him considering how badly he seemed to like me. How much he wanted to be with me. If I meant getting out of here though away from him what chance did I really have? If I didn’t do it would he tell them I wasn’t ready to leave just to keep me there longer?

  
“Do you mean it?” I asked.

  
“I swear,” he answered, “Just come out and play with me ok?”

  
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” I asked.

  
“You have to trust me.” He answered, “You let me do whatever I want and don’t say a word against it I’ll tell Dr. Swartzman anything you want me to.”

  
“Will you tell him that I’m better? That I won’t ever try to kill myself again, that I’ll do whatever he wants as long as he lets me go home?” I asked quietly.

  
“Yeah Angel, anything you want. Just come out here and play. Let me taste you ok?” Neal answered.

  
I sighed flexing my shaking hands. I didn’t want to do this but I felt like it would get me away from him, from all of them and back home where I needed to be even if I had to spend the weekends with Leo. I opened the stall door swallowing knowing what I was agreeing to and hating myself for it but feeling like it was the lesser of two evils. Just one last time so I could get out of here, so I could be at home.

  
“Good boy,” he said as I pulled the stall door open, “Now remember you can’t protest. Any protest and our deal is off ok? I don’t want to have to take you in the back. If anyone asks why you weren’t at group just tell them you were having a private meeting with me, talking about personal matters. Now come on.”

  
He lead me over to my bed by the hand sitting down next to me caressing my cheek gently as I tried to control my shaking knowing that he was probably going to hurt me considering how bruised I was in certain places from the night before as he leaned in kissing me at first slow sliding his tongue into my mouth and then getting rougher pushing me back onto the bed forcing me feet to leave the ground and laying me back as he pulled my shirt up over my head. I closed my eyes and once he broke our kiss I locked my jaw tightly trying to hold onto the thought that if I kept quiet, if I just let him do it I could get out of here, that I could go home.

  
“You’re shaking are you scared?” He asked throwing my shirt on the ground, “There isn’t any need to be scared Angel. I’ll treat you good I promise, lay on your stomach,” he said undoing the snaps holding my pants up as he got up giving me room to follow his direction.

  
I rolled over as he pulled my pants off gently throwing them on the floor as he straddled me starting to massage my shoulders and back making me tense up my whole body shaking harder. Shit this was a horrible idea. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t take the thought of him inside me and would have tried to sit up if he hadn’t of been so heavy against my 5’4 104-pound frame. I moaned as he pushed my shoulders down biting and kissing on the back of my neck.

  
“Now now, we have to be quiet, don’t we? No protest or this deal is off, remember?” he said as I nodded my head curling my hand around the side of the mattress and squeezing figuring I was going to feel his weight shift so he could put a condom on or push his fingers inside me to prepare me for a bigger object.

  
Instead he leaned forward putting his weight on top of me as his hands rubbed up and down my sides sending that cold fire up and down my spine as he licked his way down. Making me bite back a cry of fear and surprise. His hand pushed my cheeks apart as his tongue slid down my crack almost making me cry out as I bit down into the pillow his tongue drawing a circle around my asshole before he licked it straight on making me whimper as he lapped at it.

  
When he heard my whimper, he stopped, “No Angel calm down. You’re all right.” He breathed into my tail bone.

  
I managed to swallow back any sounds as he poked and prodded eventually putting a finger in there nudging up against my prostate repeatedly as I struggled to keep my whimpering to a minimum the heat pooling in my groin as my climax started building both his finger and his tongue doing things to me I didn’t want. He made me climax underneath us his fingers still hitting that spot over and over making me wish for death with each stroke. When he was done, I couldn’t move I was shaking so badly. He didn’t rape me with his Penis he just did that and then left me there my eyes closed trying to making my skin stop crawling trying to will the feeling of his tongue and fingers away.

  
I don’t remember moving for the longest time just curling into the fetal position and crying telling myself it was worth it. That it was ok because I’d be getting out of here. Because I wouldn’t have to deal with them, Neal, Gavin and Sam anymore. After I heard movement out in the hallway I grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom putting them on and when I heard a knock on the door I jumped my body still shaking. Me still not able to calm down but afraid of what would happen if I couldn’t.

  
“John?” Dom asked cracking the door as I pulled my shirt over my head, “Are you ok?”

  
I just shook my head biting my lips together not wanting to talk or think about it. Just kind of wanting someone to let me die or get me the hell out of the nightmare I was stuck in. I felt sick to my stomach and like if I opened my mouth I was going to scream and I think it was evident on my face because Dom backed up a little looking at me real worry in his face.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “ok. Do you want me to get you anything?”

  
I shook my head no. I didn’t know what else to do. My skin still crawling.

  
“I’ll be right back ok?” Dom asked me before leaving the room quickly.

  
A minute later Mr. Tony came in and I was huddled in the corner of the bathroom rocking back and forth trying to calm myself down trying to stop myself from shaking. I didn’t want to be here anymore I just wanted to go home honestly.

  
Mr. Tony sighed heavily, “It was Neal, wasn’t it?”

  
I didn’t say anything. I was trying to calm down enough that he didn’t have to put me in isolation. Isolation meant Neal or Gavin, isolation meant no control what so ever and I knew I should be grateful that Neal didn’t do that again since it seemed like that was something he really wanted to do. Because he kept talking about tasting me the feel of his tongue still on my skin in places it didn’t belong making me want to hurt myself. Making me want to cut into my skin so I could feel something else, anything else.

  
“John all you have to do is nod your head, alright? If you tell me that’s why I don’t have to put in your chart you were avoiding group. I can make this work. I can make this ok,” Mr. Tony pleaded with me.

  
I sighed not sure I could speak without screaming. I swallowed and when I spoke it was like a horse whispered, “Yeah.”

  
“Ok,” he said, “I need you to try and calm down so you can go to class. If you can’t you know what’s going to happen and I have to go down to the classroom today so I can’t be there to keep you safe. Can you try to calm down?”

  
“He said if I let him he’d get me out and I thought I could do it but now all I feel is…,” I trailed off.

  
“Wait when? I thought he did something last night are you saying he did something during group? When he was supposed to be doing paperwork before he left?” Tony asked his eyes wide and then angry, “That asshole. I’m going to kill him.”

  
“Don’t. I’ll be ok just, just don’t,” I mumbled sighing as I stood up my body still feeling sticky in certain places making me want to just sit back down and not move again so I didn’t have to be reminded of the fact that I had a body. A body that people used. A body that did things I didn’t want it to do.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Let’s get you off to class and then I’ll bring you up here for lunch all right?”

  
I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I was looking forward to class as we all lined up to leave the unit Josh and Dom on one side with Dillon and Adam on the other keeping me shielded from Gavin even though I could have sworn I could feel him staring at me as we left all heading to the classroom. We walked silently meeting the girls outside the door.

  
A couple of them smiled brightly at us Debbie included as we entered the room which was painted mint green with the alphabet painted onto the walls reminding me more of a day care then an actual classroom but we all sat down anyway four people to a table besides at one table where there was five. The teacher passed out a folder to each person and we spent three hours doing work sheets while she sat and read a book. At the end of the three hours I felt hot and like everyone was staring at me on the verge of a panic attack.

  
Someone knocked on the door and I jumped making some of the girls around me and Eric laugh as Josh shot me a worried look. It was Gavin just like I was sure he was there to take those on restriction back to the Unit to eat lunch. I felt like I had swallowed a stone. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. Just then as everyone went to line up Adam came up behind me and whispered into my ear.

  
“It’s ok man I’m right here,” he said.

  
I just nodded my head as those of us that were on restriction lined up and followed Gavin out into the hallway past the cafeteria. I was dreading being back on the unit just the two of us and then I saw her. She looked different like a shell of herself and I wanted to run to her to hold her and tell her it was ok that she wasn’t crazy that I wasn’t crazy that somehow things would be ok but her eyes looked half vacant like she was sleep walking like she didn’t even see me and I was afraid to stop and try to speak to her because if I did I was breaking rules. Rules I couldn’t afford to break.

When we got up to the unit lunch was already in the day room. It was grilled cheese and tomato soup which I couldn’t eat. Gavin ended up sitting next to me and half way behind me almost trapping me in. He made sure no one was watching as he started rubbing my back Adam glaring at him.

  
“Stop torturing him,” Adam warned looking at him.

  
“It’s so fun though,” Gavin said, “And he’s very beautiful. Look at him you know you want a piece.”

  
“He’s 13, what is wrong with you people? He’s a kid look at him he’s terrified of you all of you,” Adam hissed using his spoon to point at Gavin punctuating his words with it.

  
“He’s 13 yeah but god is he amazing, he feels nice he tastes better than anyone I’ve ever had you should try him. If you want me to I can arrange it,” Gavin teased as my stomach heaved.

  
“Dude you might want to move before he throws up on you but I’m kind of hoping he does because you deserve it,” Adam said as I threw up in my own hand not able to hold it down any longer.

  
“Nasty!” Gavin yelled jumping up from his seat letting me go as I continued to throw up repeatedly all over myself.

  
“GAVIN WHAT THE HELL YOU”RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUST STAND THERE GET HIM A BUCKET OR SOMETHING!” Nurse Pam shouted rushing over, “Oh darling you’re ok come on, let’s run you shower ok? What’s wrong? Your stomach just upset?”

  
“I want to go home,” I said as soon as I stopped throwing up all over myself.

  
“Come on darling you’re ok, here I’ll have Gavin run you shower ok?” Nurse Pam said.

  
“NO!” I said shaking my head, “NO I don’t need his help no!” I insisted.

  
“Ok,” Nurse Pam said not even questioning why I was freaking out, “Ok you’re going to be fine just calm down everything is ok just stand here and wait and I’ll go in and turn on the shower for you all right?”

  
I nodded my head. I felt really sick knowing what he was going to do to me the moment the door to that bathroom was shut after nurse Pam left it. I didn’t care that I was covered in vomit I didn’t want to go in that bathroom. I didn’t want his hands on my skin where I could already feel them. Adam came out from where ever he was and looked at me.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head knowing what was going to happen that I had no choice because they wouldn’t let me just peel off my clothes and give me new ones after I washed off in the bathroom sink. I didn’t want to do this especially because I was still sore down there which was always their go to place it felt like when they were in a hurry and if I stayed out here to shower it didn’t give him much time to do anything else.

  
Nurse Pam left the bathroom, “It’s on come on, I’ll be right here when you get back out I promise I have to go grab you a clean uniform and then you can lay down early ok?”

  
“No, don’t make me please,” I begged.

  
“There’s nothing to be afraid of you’re ok,” Nurse Pam insisted, “Come on, if you don’t shower out here I’m going to have to take you into isolation ok?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to have sex with Gavin I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want to be that bathroom alone with him or anywhere else which I knew was probably going to happen anyway because free time was right after lunch which was when he had done it the day before. Forced himself on me, the feeling of his tongue against my skin licking at my balls and my shaft sucking making my climax and then telling me how badly he wanted to stick his tongue in other places how he wanted to know what I tasted like on the inside too.

  
“John why are you shaking?” Nurse Pam asked me.

  
“I don’t want to, please I don’t want to, please don’t make me, please I’ll do anything but that please don’t make me,” I begged.

  
“Ok John, I need you to calm down honey you’re having a panic attack,” Nurse Pam said, “I’ll be right back ok? I can give you something to help you out here but I don’t want to if I don’t have to so I’m going to talk to the doctor.”

  
“Hey,” Adam said softly standing next me, “You’re ok all right?”

  
“I can’t,” I repeated, “Please don’t let him I can’t.”

  
“I’m sorry kid,” Adam said quietly, “Just try and suck it up and maybe you can go home, right? If you just do it and you don’t beg them not to and you don’t fight them they’ll let you go home. I’ve seen it happen so many times just pretend it’s someone else ok?”  
“I can’t. I don’t want to,” I said, “I don’t want to have sex with him and he’s going to make me.”

  
“I know, try to build a castle. I wish I could help you I really do I mean it but there is nothing I can do here. Even if I throw myself at him he’ll do it to you anyway. I’m sorry John,” Adam replied.

  
I nodded my head sighing trying to pull myself out of my panic, trying to find a way to reside myself to my fate. I didn’t want his hands on me. I didn’t want to be anywhere alone with Gavin or any of them. I sighed stepping toward the bathroom door as Gavin reappeared carrying a clean uniform smiling brightly.

  
“Come on John,” He said, “You don’t want the water to get cold.”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head going into the bathroom. Jumping out of my skin as I heard the bathroom door slam shut behind me knowing Gavin was in there with me. I pulled off my shirt throwing it on the floor and undid my pants as fast as I could hoping if I could get under the water and soaped up before he got his hands on me I’d be ok I could get out of doing anything I didn’t want to do but the moments my pants dropped before I could step out of them his hands were around my waist and he was kissing up the back of my neck.

  
“No,” I begged shaking my head.

  
“It’s ok, Angel,” He said as his hands slid lower him getting on his knees his tongue sliding the same path that Neal’s had. His tongue breeching me making my eyes go wide as I tried to pull away.

  
“Please I’m sore,” I begged.

  
He stopped for a minute, “Neal told me. That doesn’t mean we can’t play though. It’ll be gone in a day or two we can do other things though.”

  
“Please,” I begged again.

  
“If you don’t I’ll put you in the back, I’ll use all seven rubbers in my pocket and I’ll enjoy every minute of it. Would you rather one round or seven throughout the day?” He warned.

  
I felt like I was going to be sick again. I still hadn’t stopped shaking since the morning tired of unwanted touches and stares everything putting me on edge. He was giving me a choice no matter how badly it sucked. Let him use me so he would leave me alone for a while or get myself shoved into isolation. I nodded my head as he allowed me to step forward into the shower.

  
I didn’t look at him but rinsed myself off under the water pumping soap into my hand from a soap dispenser on the wall rinsing off my chest. I saw him move out of the corner of my eye coming towards me already erect before he grabbed me hard by the chin and pinned me against the wall all at once shoving his tongue down my throat before he rolled me over so my face was pressed against the cold tile as he forced his fingers into me stretching and probing me quickly before I could really be ready and then replacing them with himself ramming into me quite hard making me cry out.

  
“Sorry Angel I didn’t mean to hurt just give it a minute ok?” He asked kissing and biting my shoulders and massaging my hips as he held them like handles to keep me in place, keep me still.

  
The first thrusts were hard making me whimper but then he adjusted his pace going slower and pushing harder pushing against my prostate making me whimper. I didn’t want to make sounds for him the sounds seeming to keep him going making him excited as he started whispering things in my ear.

  
“That’s a good angel yeah, god you feel so good inside so warm and tight and soft I may never want another boy here again after you, god you’re amazing everything about you is amazing,” he moaned pulling out only to push back in again slamming against that spot as I bit into my forearm to keep myself silent biting down hard the pain giving me something else to focus on something I could control instead of what my body was telling me.

  
My body was telling me that it felt good, that I wanted it when I knew I didn’t. He thrusted hard one last time and then stopped moving as he came. Leaving me breathless my whole body shaking. He helped me over to the tile bench and allowed me to sit down as he took soap from the dispenser into his hand and washed himself and then did the same to me, “You’re such a good boy.” He said as he applied the soap to my chest and grabbed my arms to do the same to them.

  
He frowned looking at my right arm, “You bit yourself?” he asked as if he were offended, “Your sounds are so amazing though as long as they aren’t loud you can make all the noise you want angel with me it’s ok understand?”

  
I nodded my head feeling numb as I let him wash me my whole body frozen feeling numb and dead. I was sick of them all of them against my skin and I had never taken a shower or been washed and felt dirtier in my life after I was supposed to be clean. I just wanted to go home, to be somewhere they couldn’t touch me. I thought again of all the warnings I had been given before I tried to kill myself why it would be a bad idea to try and I felt like an idiot for not taking them seriously. When Pat warned that they would try to break me he was right. This place was real hell where before I had already thought I was there now I knew the truth. This was hell and home was purgatory and seemed almost heavenly compared to the reality here.

  
When he was done washing me he left me there handing me a towel while he put his clothes back on and used the hand dryer on the wall to dry his hair so it didn’t look wet and then he left. I sat there for a while shivering because the air around me was cold, because I was sick and tired and wasn’t sure anywhere was safe so I thought I might as well stay where I was. I waited until my breathing even out until I felt like I wasn’t going to scream and then got dressed not even bothering to go to the day room but to my room because it was free time and that’s where I was supposed to be. When I got there Dom was sitting on his bed reading a book.

  
“Burgess told me what happened,” Dom said looking up at me, “Is there anything I can do?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered as Dom came over to me and grabbed my hand and I squeezed back, “I just want to go home.”

  
“I know. I know you want Pat too and I’m sorry I can’t do those things for you,” Dom answered, “If there was anything I could do though, you’d let me know, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as I climbed into my own bed, “I’m going to try and sleep can you…stay?”

  
“To make sure they don’t come?” He asked and I nodded my head, “I’ll try. I won’t fall asleep I’ll sit here and read ok?”

  
“Thanks,” I said rolling my blankets around me covering my head and closing my eyes hoping I would fall asleep and get some real rest.


	18. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John tries to strike a bargain with Leo even though he's struggling with his reality. Dom sticks up for him in a very big way and causes some people to ask John questions about their relationship and makes John question whether Dom might have some feelings that are stronger than just friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 319 to 340. Warnings: delinquent behavior, talk of sexual assault, threats of rape, sexual harassment, blackmail

I did fall asleep but when I was woken up in time for life skills I didn’t feel rested. I still felt tired and sore and sick and like I just wanted to go home, still. I felt like Gavin was going to spend the whole entire group staring at me. Undressing me with his eyes as I tried to make myself as small as possible. I dreaded being in a room with him or Neal no matter how many other people were in it.

  
As I walked down the hallway to the group room Mr. Tony called my name causing me to turn around a look at him confused. Why did he want me? Was he going back on what he said? Was he trying to get me someplace alone so he could do things to me too? I didn’t think I could take anymore my whole being fried beyond a point I could handle.

  
“Dr. Swartzman wants to see you really quick before you go to life skills,” Mr. Tony told me.

  
“Oh,” I said barely a whisper. So, it wasn’t Mr. Tony trying to get me alone it was Leo. Leo wanted me. He wanted me in a place where it would probably just be him and I so he could do things I didn’t want to do. Things that I should be trying to get used to because pretty soon that would be my life every weekend all weekend long. I exhaled deeply nodding my head.

  
“You ok?” Mr. Tony asked raising a curious eyebrow at me.

  
I just nodded my head a followed him out of the unit and down the hall to the area where the Doctors office was. I sighed as Mr. Tony opened the door and gestured for me to walk into the room shutting the door behind me.

  
“Hi beautiful,” Leo said smiling at me warmly as I stood there lingering close to the door not wanting to come any closer than I had to because I knew his hands would be on me even if they weren’t anywhere private. I didn’t want him touching me, didn’t feel like I could deal with it, “Neal talked to me.”

  
“Yeah?” I asked quietly.

  
“He said you were begging him to go home,” Leo said, “Do you really want to go home? Or do you just not want to be here?”

  
“I want to go home,” I answered.

  
“What about my home?” He asked me standing up making my heart jump into my throat.

  
Did I want to go home with Leo? Deal with Leo and no one else? The idea did have appeal at least with Leo as far as I knew it was only him that I had to deal with. At least I knew what to expect from him. I sighed and nodded my head.

  
He smiled widely at that, “Ok, I’ll call your Dad and see what he says. Will you be a good boy for me?”

  
I pulled my arms tighter around me. Would I? What exactly he was asking of me I wasn’t sure since good could mean a number of different things. It could mean not fighting him, or pushing him away just a little bit. It could mean no sound or making every sound that wanted to spill out of me. I wasn’t sure what he meant and not knowing what he meant caused me to feel a wave of panic I couldn’t explain. The shaking that I had managed to get rid of after getting some rest coming back as I balled my hands into fist trying to get it to subside once more.

  
I swallowed, “I’ll do whatever you want me to if you just let me leave, please.”

  
“Well,” he said, “I also talked to Gavin and Gavin said you were resistant earlier.”

  
“Because I’m sore,” I answered.

  
“Sore how?” He asked frowning.

  
I didn’t want to talk about that with him. How my penis was sore because Neal had been too rough, done whatever it was he did for too long. How I felt like I had been forced to take too many people and allow them into my body. How it hurt to both sit and stand all at once and I couldn’t seem to get comfortable in my skin no matter how hard I tried.

  
“Talk to me baby,” he said quietly, “Sore how?”

  
“Below my waist,” I answered simply trying to be vague not really wanting to talk about it.

  
“Was someone a little too rough? Neal is…well equipped. He can sometimes get a little too excited. Is that what you mean?” Leo asked looking at me waiting for an answer.

  
“Just huh, he bruised me,” I answered.

  
“Oh!” Leo said nodding his head, “Ok well, I want you to come home with me but with what Gavin told me I’m not sure you’re ready to. I like someone who will plead a little but not someone who will try to pull away you understand what I mean?” He asked me.

  
“I understand,” I said swallowing still not looking at him.

  
“How about we give it until Monday all right? Then we’ll see?” He asked me. Causing my whole body to shudder.

  
There was no way I could do this for three more days. No way I could stand to have them against my skin for three more days. I would beg for him to kill me before I could deal with three more days of Neal and Gavin and Sam. Sam who worked the weekend who would probably be worse than anyone else.

  
“You’re crying baby, can you tell me why?” Leo asked.

  
“I can’t, please. Just take me away. I’ll do anything just don’t let them do that to me anymore please,” I begged.

  
“I’m not sure you’re ready to leave yet though and I have to make sure you’re ready, you understand that, don’t you?” Leo asked me.

  
“I don’t want to have sex with them though,” I said before I realized what I had said slamming my hand over my mouth, my eyes going wide.

  
“Is there someone else you’d rather have sex with?” He asked me smiling, “Would you rather have sex with just me?”

  
I swallowed before I nodded my head. Yes, I would rather it was just one person then three or four. I didn’t want to have sex with Leo either but at least I didn’t have to worry about switching things up to please him. At least he was adult enough not to bruise me in very intimate places because he got too excited.

  
At least he needed breaks. At least usually if it was with him or my Da it was once or twice a day maybe three times a day with one person and not one or two times a day with two people per person. I thought three times was a little excessive but five times a day had me wanting to cut my dick off and hang myself. I would take two times out of five any day especially considering I was a 13-year-old boy who didn’t want any of the attention to begin with.

  
“You promise?” He asked trying to be coy, trying to flirt with me.

  
“I promise,” I answered quietly as he came forward and hugged me holding me tightly against his chest making me tense up.

  
“Your ok baby,” he said running his fingers through my hair, “Anything you want to ask me for?”

  
“Can I leave tomorrow?” I asked again.

  
“No baby, I don’t think so. However, I will tell them you’re mine ok? No more touching. That way when I do let you leave you’ll be all healed up because I know you’re sore. Neal is impressive if you know what I mean probably stretched your wide-open right?”

  
I just nodded my head. He had, his size always made him burn as he went in. Not as bad as doubles but still pretty bad. However, once he got into a rhythm it wasn’t the pain that bothered me but more the pleasure the way he managed to hit that spot so easily. The bruising on my dick was probably more worrisome because it made even pissing kind of painful.

  
“I’ll tell them they can’t even look at you that way your nice and healed up. I’ll see you again tomorrow let me know how you’re feeling and I’ll call your Dad and let him know that he should be gentle if he can’t control himself ok?” Leo said and nodded my head.

  
“So when can I go home?” I asked.

  
“Monday or Tuesday I think,” Leo said, “Give you more time to adjust to the Zoloft can you tell me how you’re feeling physically? are you more tired today then you have been?”

  
“Yeah but I didn’t exactly sleep well last night. I got a nap a couple minutes ago, and so I feel a little better but still kind of tired,” I answered.

  
“Any Tremors? You do seem like your shaking a little bit but do you think that’s because of anxiety or something else?” Leo asked me.

  
“Anxiety, I was ok for a little while,” I answered, “After I got some sleep. But I don’t know I feel nervous and it just…I can’t stop it.”

  
“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head, “Well watch it see what happens if it gets to be a problem we might have to change it up but that’s ok. Are you feeling less anxious and depressed since the morning or more?”

  
“After my nap I feel a little better,” I answered, “I just don’t want them to touch me anymore.”

  
“Ok, well I’ll take care of that and you can take care of me later when you’re out all right baby?” Leo said finally letting go of me allowing me to move freely as I rolled my shoulders, “Do I make you nervous?”

  
“I…” I trailed off, “I don’t know.”

  
“It’s ok if I make you a little nervous baby,” Leo said, “You’ll get used to me I promise. I don’t like hurting my boys. I don’t like restraints or pain. I want you to enjoy yourself as much as I’m enjoying myself ok? I’ll make sure you feel good with me when we’re together I promise.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head still feeling numb knowing what I had more or less agreed to. That I was his. His to use, to touch and make squirm. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Like it was choosing the lesser of two evils.

  
“Ok you can go now. Don’t be any later for group then you have to be beautiful. I’ll check up on you tomorrow and your Dad and then if you need me I’m on call this weekend but otherwise just try and relax, rest and then Monday is your last week before school starts, right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I think so,” I answered.

  
“Ok cool you can go home with me then and we’ll relax and spent some time together,” he said smiling as he opened the door allowing me to leave the room and go back out into the hall where Tony was still standing, waiting.

  
“You ok?” Mr. Tony asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m all right,” I answered.

  
“You sure? you look upset,” Mr. Tony said again.

  
“Yeah, it’s nothing I’m fine. Don’t worry about it,” I answered quickly as we started walking down the hall back towards the unit.

  
“Did he tell you when you’re getting out?” Mr. Tony asked.

  
“Monday maybe,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Well that’s good, right? Going home, back to your family,” Mr. Tony said.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head as he turned the key in the double door and I hit the handle going back to the unit.

  
I don’t remember what life skills was about. My whole brain felt numb blocking out all emotion so I could process what I had just agreed to. I had agreed to my contract which was probably one of the reasons I was here in the first place; to get me to agree. To make me complacent. I felt sick to my stomach knowing that was the honest to god truth. That they had put me here to show me how bad things could really be. How I should consider myself lucky because I didn’t have bend over for every person that asked me to usually.

  
We all lined up at the double doors again when group was over heading down to the art room. When we entered the room, there was art easels all over the room 18 of them one for each person. Karri was standing there next to a table covered in old shirts that were about 1000 times too big for any of us. She smiled happily.

“Ok now everyone I know last time we colored because we were looking for something easy and Clara drew something. Can I share Clara?” She asked looking at Clara.

  
“Yeah, I don’t mind,” Clara answered smiling.

  
“Clara drew a picture a very interesting picture and I asked her what it was the picture represented and she said her insides how she felt inside so I would like everyone to paint how they feel today. You can do it anyway you like, colors, impressionist, you can choose an object a self-portrait anything you like just draw how you feel. I want you to think about it carefully before you put the brush to your canvas though. Take your time, I’ll turn on the radio and I want you to just do your best.” Karri said.

  
We each grabbed a shirt and put it on over our uniforms as we went and grabbed our tools. At first I didn’t know where to start but, then I thought about it looking at the blank whiteness and I knew white wasn’t the right color. That whatever I was feeling wasn’t white it was black. So, I took a sponge brush and covered it in the black and started painting my canvas that color. It took me nearly the whole hour to actually get the first layer of paint onto the canvas. That’s when they told us to clean up and that if we weren’t done we could sign up for free time on Saturday to come down and work on our artwork if we liked. I sighed. It was something I actually wanted to finish seeing that face in my head, the look that all of them gave me always in their eyes. I rinsed off my brushes and threw off my old shirt covering my uniform.

  
I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend Saturday there. However, it all depended on how many other people signed up to go and who was going to take us down there. I didn’t want to be near Sam or Neal or Gavin and Levi I barely knew but, didn’t trust at all. The only one I half way trusted to take me anywhere off the unit was Tony because Tony had sworn to me he would never hurt me, never touch me because he wouldn’t allow himself to be a monster.

  
Kari walked around the room looking at everyone’s work. She stopped at mine and cocked her head to the side, “Is that all you’re going to paint?” She asked me.

  
“No, it’s my base,” I answered.

  
“Black instead of white? What secrets are you hiding Mr. McGregor I wonder,” she said looking at me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I wanted to tell her but I didn’t all at once. It was personal. It wasn’t meant for anyone to know what it was, it was just for me.

  
“Well dinner time I guess,” I said going over to the sink and washing my hands.

  
“Speaking of, someone is off restriction if you’re ready to go to dinner with everyone else,” Kari said.

  
“Really?” I asked surprised.

  
“Damn it, now I have to eat alone,” Adam said folding his arms in front of him.

  
“Sorry man, can you blame me though?” I asked him.

  
“Not one bit, congrats,” he answered smiling, “I’ll be fine.”

  
“You sure?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Adam answered, “I am apparently meeting my new foster parents tomorrow so that should be fun, right?”

  
“It doesn’t sound fun,” I answered.

  
“Hopefully it’s someone better than Chase,” Adam said,

  
“I hope so too,” I agreed with him.

  
“I’ll see you after dinner?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, probably,” I answered, “Unless they let me go to gym.”

  
“They might not let you because you’re so skinny. That’s why I’m not allowed to go,” Adam said.

  
“I eat,” I answered back.

  
“Barely, and good luck eating with Eric taunting you, Eric is going to be a total jack hole to you, you realize?” Adam asked me.

  
I sighed heavily. He was probably right. Eric still hated me and I didn’t think that was going to change anytime soon. Now I had to eat dinner with him hearing whatever bullshit he had to spit at me.

  
I wasn’t looking forward to that. My stomach seemed to get really upset anytime someone taunted me or made me feel anxious or scared. So how was I supposed to eat if I had to share a table with Eric whose goal in life it was to make me miserable or so it seemed.

  
“All right everyone who is going down to the café gets to come with me,” Gavin said, “I need John to sit at my table along with Terra and Troy everyone else is free to sit where they like. Just so those of you who don’t know are aware if you don’t finish your all of your food before we have to leave you will be back on restriction where you will join Burgess for all meals tomorrow.”

  
“Wait doesn’t Mr. Tony usually go down the café for dinner?” A girl with cornrows asked frowning.

  
“Well Regan we switch off and tonight I have dinner duty for the gentlemen you so openly flirt with; don’t think we don’t take notes so, behave yourself,” Gavin warned, “Now line up everyone. You know the rules don’t look at the adults, don’t talk to the adults, pretend they don’t exist stay at our two tables and don’t go beyond those tables. Ask to clear your tray when you’re finished and then sit and wait for everyone to be done. Please no swearing, now let’s go,” he said as we started down the hallway to the cafeteria.

  
We lined up against the wall and as we went through the line we grabbed our cups and forks and then were handed plates with steamed broccoli, salmon and some type of rice. At the end of the line was a drink machine with a ton of different choices which confused me because I always had to choose from sprite or orange soda up on the unit and here you had those and then root beer, grape, water, red pop and diet coke. I went for grape and then sat down at the table where Gavin’s clip board was. I tried to seat myself as far away from it as possible because I didn’t feel like playing grab my knee while I tried to choke down my food that night which I was pretty sure would be his intentions if I sat anywhere close to him. However, once he saw me sit down he grabbed his clipboard up and moved it so it was in front of the seat directly to my left making me want to move. Dom sat down next to me.

  
“Are you going to be able to deal with that?” He asked gesturing at the clipboard.

  
I just shook my head shoving some rice into my mouth. I wanted to try and get down as much food as possible before Gavin managed to sit down. As Terra and Troy sat down at the table with us along with Eric who smiled evilly at me.

  
“Eric,” Dom said as a greeting.

  
“Commie,” Eric said shaking his head and smiling.

  
“What’s wrong with you?” Dom asked.

  
“Nothing I’m great. I have a question for you Dominic,” Eric said as I watched Dom flitch at hearing his full name.

  
“Don’t call me that,” Dom said trying to ignore the deliberate attempt to make him uncomfortable, “What’s your question?”

  
“How much do you think rank actually matters in here?” He asked his eyes moving to me.

  
“Enough that you can’t do that,” Dom said shaking his head his eyes wide with anger.

  
“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Terra asked looking at Eric frowning obviously confused.

  
“It doesn’t matter,” Troy said, “He’s just trying to start something.”

  
“Well, I heard Gavin here talking about how rank didn’t necessarily apply here so I was just thinking…want to know what real pain feels like?” He asked looking at me.

  
“I’m already familiar thanks,” I hissed.

  
“You sure about that?” Eric asked smiling.

  
“You don’t knock it off you’re going to get yourself into trouble and I’m going to tell fucking Josh so shut your fucking mouth,” Dom said loudly enough to call attention from Josh who was sitting at the other table and sighed standing up and coming over to Dom.

  
“What’s up?” Josh asked.

  
“Eric,” Dom answered, “Apparently.”

  
“Wait are you talking about? What?!” Terra gaped at them.

  
“Eric back the fuck off. Whatever it is your gunning for, knock it off,” Josh warned just as Gavin came over.

  
“I’ve got it handled thank you Josh,” Gavin said, “Now go eat your food.”

  
Gavin sat down in front of his clip board looking at me closely, “You ok?” He asked me.

  
“I’m fine,” I answered picking my fork back up and shoving a bite of salmon into my mouth feeling like I was choking on a brick as I swallowed it and that look flashed in Gavin’s eyes.

  
“Eric? How are you doing?” He asked looking at Eric.

  
“Well, you can answer some questions for me later that might be helpful,” Eric said.

  
“What questions?” Gavin asked.

  
“Just simple ones,” Eric said raising an eyebrow, “Ok.”

  
“Ok,” Gavin answered his hand gripping my knee squeezing it making me drop my fork as Dom stared at Gavin.

  
“Really? Chertov khrista,” Dom said shaking his head. (fucking Christ)

  
“English,” Gavin warned.

  
“You speak French?” Dom asked Gavin.

  
“A little,” Gavin answered.

  
“Ne touche pas s’il vous plait,” Dom said. (do not touch, please)

  
“Oui s’il vous plait,” I said. (yes, please)

  
“That’s not what you said in Russian,” Gavin answered.

  
“Nyet, it’s not no but you get the message oui?” Dom asked.

  
“Oh, I caught it yes, you really want to start something about it you won’t be happy so keep it to yourself,” Gavin warned Dom.

  
“Trou du cul,” Dom said. (asshole)

  
“You Shhh…” Gavin said catching himself before he swore at Dom.

  
Eric started laughing, “Man I don’t know what you just said. But, whatever it was Gavin didn’t like it.”

  
“I called him an asshole,” Dom answered looking at Eric. Eric and Terra’s mouths both falling open in shock.

  
“Dominic now,” Gavin said standing up and pointing at the door to the cafeteria.

  
“Well, it was nice chatting with you guys. I guess I have something that needs to be dealt with,” Dom said smugly, “I’ll see you later, yes?”

  
“Yeah, thanks,” I said.

  
“No problem,” Dom answered standing up and following Gavin out of the room and down the hallway.

  
“So, Johnny?” Eric said looking at me, “What do you think about what I said?”

  
“No thanks, talk to my handler,” I said thinking of what Leo had said how he would get everyone off my back. How he would make them leave me alone. Not really thinking about the language I was using not really caring.

  
“Really?” Eric said, “Well fuck that shit. Who is it? I’ll ask.”

  
“Figure it out on your own,” I said through gritted teeth.

  
“Handler? What the fuck?” Terra asked frowning between Eric and me.

  
“Just ignore it Terra,” Troy warned her, “It doesn’t matter.”

  
“Tell me who it is and I’ll ask I’m serious you think I’m joking?” Eric hissed.

  
“I think you’re full of bullshit,” I answered raising my hand so someone would dismiss me to clear my tray.

  
“We’re not allowed to clear without Gavin’s say so and you’ve barely touched your food,” Terra told me.

  
“I don’t care,” I said keeping my hand raised hoping someone would dismiss me.

  
“Am I scaring you Johnny?” Eric asked me.

  
“No,” I lied. I hated how I was so readable. What did I have freaked out written on my fucking forehead? I shook my hand frantically in the air trying to get someone’s attention.

  
“What don’t want to be embarrassed in front of the ladies?” Eric asked me.

  
“HEY JACKASS I HAVE A DICK!” Troy shouted causing everyone in the room to turn and look at him.

  
Karri marched over, “Troy what was that about? You don’t use that language ever you understand me? Once Gavin gets back here you’re going to isolation. You yes you can clear but you didn’t eat all of your food so you’re back on restriction, you whatever you said I hope you don’t say it again and Terra why do you look so utterly confused?”

  
“Because I have no idea what they are talking about and I hate the fact that I’m trapped here with 3 boys who all seem like they are beyond crazy when all I have is an eating disorder,” Terra answered, “Can I go sit at the other table away from these weirdo’s?”

  
“Yes, you can go sit with everyone else. I’ll stay here with Troy and Eric and John,” Kari answered sitting down as I got up to clear my tray and then came back.

  
Eric was smirking at me and I wanted to smack him so hard. This was not funny even a little bit. What exactly was he going to tell them? It’s not like I had said a lot to Eric but he knew enough to get me into trouble if he really wanted to. He knew enough that if he told anyone their death could be blamed on me.

  
Terra went to go sit at the other table with everyone else while I came back and sat down back in my seat across from Eric. I didn’t want to talk about any of it I wanted something else in life to talk about. Anything else and I was tired and still sore and beyond pissed and scared.

  
“Who is it?” Eric asked me again.

  
“Really?” I asked him.

  
“Who is who?” Karri asked.

  
“Dr. Swartzman ok?” I answered.

  
Eric let out a bellowing laugh so loud it hurt my ears. He thought it was funny? He thought it was funny I was stuck here where he literally controlled my life, Leo. Where I had to ask him for everything which I was trying to avoid and the reason I ended up here in the first place. It was ironic funny but not funny funny in my personal opinion.

  
“That’s good,” Eric said shaking his head a huge smile still on his face, “I’ll ask him.”

  
“You wouldn’t,” I said feeling my eyebrow cock up.

  
“I will what do you think he’d say Dark chocolate on white?” He asked me that look flashing in his eyes.

  
“What are you talking about Eric?” Karri asked flashing a look between the two of us. I sighed putting my face in my hands. While Eric was trying to be shuttle that was nowhere near shuttle enough.

  
“Doesn’t matter,” Eric said.

  
“Were you talking about…” Karri’s eyes widened, “Wait I thought …” she sighed and just then Gavin walked into the room and she sighed with relief getting up and walking over to Gavin. She pointed at our table and said a bunch of stuff and Gavin touched her shoulder gently and then walked over to us and sat down.

  
“Eric, you need to watch what you say Dark Chocolate on white? Obviously, a reference to skin colors you really want to get your name put in a certain glass object?” Gavin asked shaking his head.

  
“I could have said it in a way that would have been even more obvious,” Eric said.

  
“Is that what your question was because that would be a no, he’s wearing a metaphorical chastity belt right now,” Gavin said.

  
“The good Dr. cock blocked you then I’m guessing?” Eric said.

  
“Everyone,” Gavin answered, “Why do you think it took me so long to get back here I was talking to him. Troy you’re in back when we get up to the unit John you’re on restriction no gym for you and tomorrow you eat dinner on the unit,” Gavin said, “Now let’s go so everyone can get ready who is allowed to go to gym.”

  
We all stood up and I lingered back a little putting some space between Eric and I in line and Josh walked up to me and sighed looking at me, “Was Eric really threatening you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, it’s no big deal,” I answered.

  
“Yeah it kind of is I can see it in your face,” Josh said, “He’s all talk I promise you. No way in hell they would ever let him do that.”

  
“How do you know?” I asked.

  
“Because you’re a five and he’s a one,” Josh said, “Those choices aren’t up to us anyway.”

  
“Well, I’m back on the unit for meals tomorrow anyway so it doesn’t matter,” I answered.

  
“Did Dom really call Gavin an asshole?” Josh asked smiling.

  
“Yeah, he also told him to keep his hands to himself,” I answered.

  
“Dom has huge balls,” Josh said, “He must really care about you.”

  
“He’s a good friend,” I answered.

  
“Just friends?” Josh asked me, “I mean you room together he tries to be close to you any chance he gets. So, do you think that maybe there’s more going on there?”

  
“From my side? No nothing. I already…” I shrugged my shoulders, “Him you mean? Do I think he might have a crush? Maybe, I don’t know. I haven’t asked and I’m not going to.”

  
“All right,” Josh said, “All right. I’ll do what I can to help you out here but there’s something going on and it’s bad. I’ve never seen any of them, all of them target one person what did you do?”

  
“Nothing, I didn’t do anything,” I answered.

  
“You sure?” Josh asked me as we started walking down the hallway, “You need to think carefully because there is only so much I can do here for you. You understand that, right?”

  
“Yeah apparently, I’m locked though,” I answered, “My contract holder he huh, he locked them out told them I’m hands off.”

  
“That’s not…” Josh trailed off.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“You’re getting out?” He asked.

  
“Monday,” I answered.

  
“They broke you?” He asked me, “They used you so much that you can’t…”

  
I just nodded my head, “It’s better this way, right? I mean at least I’ll get to be home. At least I know now that there’s no escape unless I do things right otherwise it just gets worse.”

  
The door the unit was unlocked and opened and we walked inside. I sighed and went to the day room to sit with Adam. I wasn’t going to gym so I decided I was just going to sit there and watch TV and Adam looked at me.

  
“You can make a phone call now you know?” He asked me.

  
“Can I?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Adam said smiling at the look on my face, “Go call him.”

  
I didn’t waste any time getting up and going to the phone dialing out and dialing his number, “Hello, is Patrick there?” I asked.

  
“John?” Cole said sounding surprised, “Yeah hold on. How are you doing are you ok? I mean it’s hell in there, is everything going ok?”

  
“Yeah, I’m all right for now. I guess,” I answered, “I’m getting out Monday. Can I talk to him please Cole? Not to be mean I just really feel like I need to hear his voice.”

  
“Yeah just…you’re not going to flip out again are you because last time you had him in tears and I just…he’s like my brother man I can’t let you upset him like that you get it, right?” Cole asked me.

  
“I’ll stay calm. I’m actually feeling pretty numb. I’ve got a lot I have to tell him, could you please?” I asked again.

  
“Yeah, hold on,” Cole said and then set down the phone after I few minutes I heard the phone move.

  
“Hello,” Pat answered.

  
“Hi,” I said sighing with relief, “I didn’t mean to scare you last time.”

  
“I know Rabbit. I was just worried that’s all,” Pat said, “How are you doing?”

  
“I’m getting out Monday,” I answered.

  
“Already?” He asked.

  
“Yeah, I did something I think I’m going to regret later,” I replied.

  
“What?” He asked me barely above a whisper.

  
“I told him it was ok, that I was… that I’m …agreeable,” I answered him.

  
“Rabbit no! He’ll hold you to that don’t you get it? That is going to do kill you from the inside out don’t do that to yourself please,” Pat said.

  
“I can’t stay in here. I can’t keep dealing with them. I think I can handle just him. Being with just him is a million times better than being with all of them,” I pleaded my case.

  
“John, you have to promise me no matter what you won’t let him fool you ok? Don’t let yourself think he loves you because he doesn’t,” Pat said.

  
“I promise and I could never love him anyway not after…,” I trailed off thinking about that day. That day I saw Dr. Larkin in her office how Leo had driven me around for hours stopping in that park and raping me repeatedly until I couldn’t stand to be in my skin. Until I had come home and gotten drunk and cut up my arms.

  
“I know. I know that’s how you feel but they are messing with your head now. It’s all about getting into your head,” Pat told me.

  
“I could never love him Pat,” I said swallowing back my tears as I tried to stay calm like I promised Cole, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too. I’m just worried they’re going to turn you into something that you’ll hate. I couldn’t stand it if you hated yourself because I love you that much. You understand, don’t you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, it sucks having to choose this but, it’s the only way I can think. The only way that I’m going to get out of this with some bit of me still here. Can you forgive me?” I asked.

  
“There’s nothing to forgive Rabbit. I understand, I do. Just don’t lose yourself to this please,” he said.

  
“I won’t. I promise, not ever. How do you deal with it?” I asked.

  
“Well, you mean with Gus I’m guessing? I think of how at the end of my contract things will go back to how they were. That things will be better again,” Pat answered, “That after it’s over hopefully I won’t ever have to do it again. That at least I don’t have to go to parties if he doesn’t want me to. That makes it easier,” Pat answered, “I have to go. I miss you and I love you.” he said quietly before he hung up the phone.

  
I stood there and listened to the dial tone for a couple of moments before I sighed and hung it back on the cradle. So, he was afraid of me hating myself, something that I already did. I had tried to kill myself after all because I couldn’t stand being in my own skin anymore or at least that’s what I had thought at the time before they brought me here, before they allowed anyone who wanted me that worked here to have time alone with me. Allowed them to be inside me and on me doing things to me that would normally make me scream and fight but being in a place where screaming and fighting weren’t allowed.

  
I went back to the day room and sat down looking at Adam who sighed shaking his head, “What?” I asked.

  
“Oh, I heard from D what Eric supposedly said. Are you ok?” Adam asked me.

  
“Yeah, he can’t do anything to me,” I answered.

  
“Just because he doesn’t have permission doesn’t mean he won’t try. Being in this it teaches you things. Brutal things. Like the best way to punish someone is to invade them in the worst way possible. The only way that’s going to leave a piece of you with them forever,” Adam said.

  
I nodded my head. I knew what he meant. How being raped was so invasive it was something you never forgot. You may forget details after a while but you never forgot the person. The person who did it or how it felt, how it ripped a hole into your very soul that you could never close over or fill in no matter what you did.

  
Like how that first time my Da had passed me out to someone that wasn’t my Uncle I still didn’t know most of their names but I remembered their faces even with those weird leather masks on. The terror I felt as they shackled me down to that horrible bed their hands on my skin. The way the one had made me sit in his lap as he penetrated me bouncing me up and down almost like a kid riding horsey on a parent’s knee. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes together willing the memory away before it choked me.

  
“So, you think he’s going to try?” I asked Adam nervous about the idea. I was tired of being dominated by people I didn’t want touching me and Eric had the size and muscle and age to do something like that if he wanted to.

  
“He might. I don’t know since being here, since you’ve gotten here he’s become pretty erratic. I think he’s in love with Sam and he thinks you took him away,” Adam answered.

  
“Why does he even like Sam?” I asked feeling confused about the whole thing.

  
I didn’t see anything likable about Sam. Not one thing. How he had forced his fingers up inside me with barely any lube encouraging me to relax to just let it happen, to cum for him even though it hurt.

  
“I guess he feels like Sam is the only one who is nice to him,” Adam answered me shrugging his shoulders, “Most people aren’t very nice to us, being ones. They get rough, really rough sometimes.”

  
“Sometimes that’s better you know?” I asked him.

  
“I’m not really completely sure what you mean but, I think I understand,” Adam said.

  
“It’s huh, it’s complicated,” I answered him.

  
“Is there any way you can explain it to me that I’ll understand?” Adam asked.

  
I stopped and thought about it, “I’m not sure if this is right but it’s like the difference between drowning and choking. Both can be slow and painful but one, if you relax doesn’t hurt as much even though it will still kill you where as the other there’s no way to…accept it. Your whole body is going to struggle no matter what you do. For me pain is like drowning almost, I can relax into it. It almost comforts me, makes me feel like it’s not a choice but the other. The other is like choking almost. I always struggle, it makes me doubt every cell in my body, every thought in my head,” I answered.

  
Adam was silent for a minute as he reflexed on what I had said, “I can see how choking in that case would be more painful.”

  
“I’m choking a lot,” I said trying to think about what the metaphor stood for.

  
“I see,” Adam replied, “I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced that. Not that way anyway. It must be hard. It has to really mess with your head.”

 

  
“It does,” I answered, “There are things that because of them, because of the way they are I can’t do with…,” I felt my face start to flush to thinking about it, “Anyway I guess sometimes I’d think it would be better if it always hurt physically.”

  
“I don’t think it would better really just different,” Adam answered, “Sometimes you just want to not be sore. You want them to not choke or hit, just once and they never do. They don’t ever stop. There’s always pain.”

  
“Not for me,” I answered, “I’ve been whipped before and at the time you want it to stop yeah for sure but, at least after a while the pain makes you pass out. There was this one time, Pat he tried to protect me so they tied me up and hung me from a hook in the ceiling. They whipped me and did stuff to me with a rope around my throat and told him if he looked away they would take my hands off the hook and choke me to death, hang me. I passed out after a while. When I was conscious again my shoulder was dislocated but at least I passed out. At least after a while I don’t remember. Pat does but not me. However there have been times where I have begged God or whatever to let me pass out and I haven’t because of…”

  
“I understand what you’re saying,” Adam answered, “I’ve never experienced that.”

  
“You’re lucky then. Not super lucky but pretty lucky,” I said.

  
Adam smiled grimly, “And Eric thinks he has it bad? That he’s tortured. That to me what you just described that feeling, that’s torture.”

  
I swallowed my gut turning sour. My life was that bad that a one was telling me my life sucked. That what they did to me was worse than how ones were treated. Yet Eric hated me. He hated me for being a five. If anyone had any questions about why I tried to kill myself that would have cleared it up right there.

  
“Are you ok?” Adam asked me and I grimaced and shook my head.

  
“I didn’t mean it like that John, I’m sorry,” Adam said softly.

  
“No, you did and I’m going back to it. Because I have no choice,” I answered.

  
“You don’t have a choice no, not with that but you have a choice in whether or not it will destroy you. You have siblings, right? Siblings that need you no matter how you feel no matter what the brotherhood does to you, they need you. Look at it this way, your father isn’t a dad to any of you. Who has been with them since they were born? You have. Who has taken care of them? Fed them, clothed them? Bathed them? Kissed their booboos? You have. They’re your kids. They don’t belong to him they belong to you. You’re the closest thing to a Dad they will ever have and if you give up, what’s left? What hope do they have that they will ever be normal?” Adam asked me.

  
“What about me?” I asked.

  
“Dude, you’re a parent. Literally a parent it’s not about you, it’s about them. You keep going. You show them this doesn’t have to define them or you. That one day you’ll be out. You’re a five for god sakes John. You get money when this is over, you get connections that will put you at the top of the food chain and not just any food chain. Thee food chain. Like we’re talking the top here, government serious stuff. You could run for president one day if you make it out of this,” Adam said.

  
“You mean the leader of the free world is fucking little boys?” I asked shocked not believing a word of it.

  
“No just ties to it.” Adam answered, “There are rich rich people pulling the strings behind him that do though, little girls too. If they are going to pimp you out, why not use it to your advantage?”

  
“I don’t want their blood money because that’s exactly what it is. It’s blood money. It’s the blood of Justin, it’s the blood of my little brothers, it’s my blood and yours and I don’t want anything to do with it.

  
I won’t get my hands dirty, not even to make it better. If I survive this, I’m walking away and I am never coming back. It’s the blood of Eli. That little boy you love so much you were willing to kill him to keep them away from him. I don’t want anything to do with them ever. If I take something from them I owe them a favor and I don’t want to owe them anything. Not ever and I already do. Leo is getting me out of this place so I owe him. He’s not allowing Gavin and Neal and Sam to lay a hand on me so I owe him and I hate the fact that I’m going to owe him something because I know what he’s going to want,” I said.

  
“I can’t save Eli now. I failed in that and I have to find a way to make up for that,” Adam said, “Eli is so little they will either completely brain wash him or they will kill him. Your siblings are lucky they have you. That they are fives just like you otherwise they would be where Eli is. How old are your siblings?”

  
“They range from 11 years to 10 months,” I answered, “Three sisters and seven brothers and I know. I have a little brother Malachy, Hank has already given him that look. You know the look.” I said, “It terrifies me. He’s only two and at the time he was only one.”

  
“That is scary,” Adam sighed, “So Hank has a very low age range?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “That’s something Will has talked about but I don’t really listen because I don’t really care to understand them. Any of them.”

  
“You should the best way to protect your kids against them is to understand the ones that are around you the most.” Adam said, “I can tell you all about Chase. His age range, what he likes physically, the type of personality he’s attracted to. Other things I don’t care to think about or bring up in a discussion. But you should know these things about them. About all of the Handlers in your life ok? Trust me, I know it seems sick to know it but that way you can keep certain kids away from certain ones. The ones that pose the most risk to that kid.”

  
“I know Hank likes red hair, he’s said he likes young. I haven’t heard him say how young. Mr. Lord likes them young. James is seven and at Christmas last year…” I sighed not wanting to talk about it, thinking of his pain how badly he hurt, how much he had cried. Thinking of how Lord was, how he was gentle and slow like a lot of them in my life seemed to be. I didn’t want to think about it.

  
“Wait Lord as in Lord, as in the Leader?” He asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Your Uncle hangs out with him?” He asked me.

  
“I think it’s more my Da. He works for him. I don’t know what he does for him exactly but he…I don’t know he works for him.”

  
“Shit Chase is just an agent, casting agent for different things,” Adam said, “Otherwise I don’t know what he does. He hosts parties sometimes.”

  
“My Da too, private ones like at Christmas it’s usually an excuse to…” I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  
“Huh, so I saw Dom get pulled into isolation from Dinner. What exactly did he do?” Adam asked me changing the subject.

  
“He called Gavin an asshole twice,” I answered.

  
“Wow,” Adam said an impressed look on his face, “I hope he’s ok.”

  
“I don’t know. I was surprised. Him sticking up for me like that I mean,” I answered.

  
“Well he is your friend, he seems to defend you from Eric,” Adam said.

  
“Well, we understand each other. Our lives are similar we go to the same school hang out with the same people. Have the same problems…” I answered, “But usually even when you’re above a one people don’t stick their necks out for other people. Not in what we’re in.”

  
“You can call it the brotherhood you know? It’s just you and me no one else is here,” Adam said.

  
“I don’t like calling them that,” I said, “It’s not a brotherhood of anything. It’s a group of sick people raping people together.”

  
“Well, yeah,” Adam said, “But it’s not like there is anything else we can really call them.”

  
“Why? Because apparently, pedophiles isn’t a wise choice?” I asked raising my eyebrows.

  
“You called them pedophiles to who?” Adam asked a very shocked look on his face.

  
“Not all of them just my uncle to my Da and he flipped out,” I answered, “That is what he is though I mean I’ve never seen him with an adult ever in like any capacity besides my Da and his friends but he’s never looked at an adult like…well you know.”  
“Was your dad super upset?” Adam asked.

  
“Yeah, he told me not to use that word and that Uncle ben is gay and not…well,” I said shaking my head almost laughing.

  
“Well, shit,” Adam said, “ok anyway back to Dom he called Gavin an asshole twice?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“What did Gavin do besides the obvious?” Adam asked.

  
“He was doing the obvious kind of made me jump out of my skin honestly. Dom said something in Russian and you know how they feel about him speaking Russian so he said something in French instead so Terra couldn’t understand it, basically told him paws off.” I answered.

  
“Wait he was…at dinner?” Adam asked his eyes wide.

  
“Just my knee,” I answered, “But it’s kind of hard to eat when someone is that close to…”

  
“I got you,” Adam said nodding his head.

  
“Josh says he thinks Dom might have a crush on me,” I said.

  
Adam thought about it for a moment, “Possibly. Is that an issue for you?”

  
“As long as he doesn’t try anything no,” I answered, “He’s a good friend so I feel like I can deal with it just fine just, I don’t feel that way about him.”

  
“Well there is nothing wrong with that,” Adam said, “Just if he hints at it make it clear it’s a no go.”

  
“I will. I’m pretty sure I have,” I answered.

  
“Then you shouldn’t have a problem if he really cares about you,” Adam said.

  
“I hope not, I mean it’s not exactly. I don’t have a good track record with people caring what I think,” I responded.

  
“He won’t try anything. I’m sure he won’t,” Adam answered.

  
“God, I hope not,” I said.

  
“Trust me you’re good,” Adam said trying to reassure me, “How are you planning to get through the weekend?”

  
“Apparently, I’m off limits now,” I answered.

  
“Well that’s good at least and then you’re out of here, right?” Adam asked.

  
“Yep,” I answered.

  
“Do you think you’ll end up here again?” Adam asked me.

  
“No, I don’t think so,” I answered, “If I try again I won’t fail.”

  
“Do you even know how close you really got?” Adam asked me curious.

  
“No, they haven’t really told me anything about it. I was unconscious for a while though like a day or two.” I answered.

  
“What did you do if you don’t mind me asking?” He asked.

  
I sighed rolling up my right sleeve showing him the stitches that were still healing. The deep gash that had once been open that they were now holding closed in order for it to heal. He looked at it closely his eyes wide in shock and fascination his hand hovering near my wrist as if he wanted to reach out and run his hand over the wound before he put it back down staring at it closely still.

  
“You tried to slit your wrists?” He asked me.

  
“Well, did I try or did I do it?” I asked causing Adam to laugh lightly.

  
“True that’s a fair assessment to come to,” Adam said nodding his head, “Did it hurt?”

  
“It stung a lot. I don’t really remember it to be honest,” I answered, “I…” I shook my head not wanting to talk about those feelings. How he had forced himself on me two or three times in the span of a couple of hours. How he had gotten so mad at me he had hit me which was something he had rarely ever done before.

  
“I found emails,” Adam said suddenly, “Talking about what they were going to do to him. How they were going to…I knew if I ran away with him we would never make it. He’s only little it’d be too hard for him. So, I decided to…do the only thing I could think of. Because no kid deserves to be like us. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.”

  
“It was an act of desperation,” I said.

  
“Yeah, I suppose. Yours was the same, right?” He asked me.

  
“I just wanted it to stop. To never happen again. I wasn’t thinking about my siblings or Patrick or anyone else just how badly I wanted it to not happen anymore,” I answered.

  
We sat there in silence for a while. Neither one of us talking. It hurt revisiting those feelings, that act. I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone only end my own pain and here I was stuck in this place in more pain then I could really have imagined and my brother, my brother was filling in my position at home that had been left open by my absence.

  
After a couple minutes Adam cleared his throat and grabbed the remote for the TV off of a side table and turned it on. I don’t even remember what was on the TV some lame movie but my mind was racing. Thinking about how I had agreed to go back to that. Back to him. How I had agreed to being with Leo. How Leo was going to be the same way as that night was and I knew that. How that night was going to happen over and over and over until all I felt was dead inside like that all the time. Until I craved something to make me not feel numb at all but feel alive. I sighed I didn’t want to sit there anymore.

  
“Are you ok?” Adam asked looking at me.

  
“It just…hit me that I’m…I belong to him,” I mumbled.

  
“Belong to who John?” Adam asked me quietly.

  
“L—L-Leo,” I stumbled over the name.

  
“Who is Leo?” Adam asked.

  
“The reason I’m here,” I answered, “And I agreed to it. To get out of here. I…fuck…” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

  
“You look like you’re going to be sick should I go get someone?” Adam asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head forcefully, “I’ll be ok I just, thinking too much I guess.”

  
“Are you sure?” Adam asked me again.

  
“Yeah, I just need something else to think about,” I answered.

  
“Well social issues group is going to start soon,” Adam said, “I have no idea what we’re talking about because I got pulled for about 20 minutes or so last night near the end and if I remember you walked out yourself. So, it should be fun.”

  
“Hopefully we’re not finishing yesterday’s conversation. Apparently, a lot of people walked out after you and what’s her face got pulled into isolation,” I answered.

  
“She asked me if I’d ever had a dick shoved down my throat. So yeah, I was more than a little upset,” Adam said.

  
“Yeah that’s huh, nope,” I answered.

  
“That’s exactly how I felt about it.” Adam said, “So my natural reaction was to ask her if she ever had and then she told me that was a personal question. So, I scoffed at her and told her yeah it was so she shouldn’t be asking me that question and then she replied that I’m obviously gay so she thought I probably had so she thought she would ask. And yet I’m not supposed to ask her. So, I said she probably wouldn’t answer because she was a slut and then she started getting defensive and said she had been raped and that didn’t make her a slut. I pointed out every male in the whole entire unit answered yes to the question have you ever been sexually assaulted so I asked her why she thought it was a good idea to ask that question to me and she said again because I’m obviously gay. I said just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’ve stuck a dick in my mouth and it was this whole big thing and we both ended up in the back where, it’s not enjoyable and anyway I’m rambling sorry.”

  
“And after that supposedly everyone walked out. At least that’s what I heard from Dom,” I replied, “So you think they are going to continue on that topic?”

  
“I certainly hope not,” Adam said as the Unit door opened and everyone came back from gym.

  
“Ok everyone get your drinks and use the bathroom we’re meeting in the boy’s day room today,” Hannah said popping her head into the room and looking at us, “Boys turn off the TV please.”

  
“Yep. I got it,” Adam said turning off the TV as I saw Dillon wave at him from in the foyer.

  
“I think you’re wanted,” I said and Adam just smiled at me and shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Maybe,” he responded looking at Dillon.

  
“Yeah, I know that look. Go get him,” I said laughing as Adam stood up and went out into the hallway.

  
I sat there and waited for everyone to slowly come into the room because I didn’t feel like I had to pee or anything so I just kind of stayed where I was. Eric popped his head in. That look on his face making me tense as he sat in the chair next to me and I got up and moved over.

  
“What’s wrong five afraid I’m going to hurt you?” He taunted.

  
“Can you just not?” I asked him looking at him wearily.

  
“Not what?” He asked, “Picture that pretty mouth of yours wrapped around my big black dick? Sorry kid.”

  
I swallowed looking out the window hoping someone else would come into the room. I didn’t want to be taunted by him but I didn’t want to be scared of him either. I wanted to know why he hated me so much. Why he thought it was ok to say those things to me, be nasty like that.

  
“Why do you hate me?” I asked him finally looking at him.

  
“You stole him from me. You’re an asshole just because you’re a five with a tight little ass you think you can walk in and take the only person who has ever treated me good from me? You know how bullshit that is?” He asked me.

  
“You know how bullshit it is that you think I want him to…do that type of stuff to me? I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me and I don’t want you to insinuate that you’re going to do those things to me,” I said.

  
“You ever been with a black guy?” He asked me, “You might like it. Just saying.”

  
I closed my eyes trying to not remember him. The guy whose name I still didn’t know in the back room at Tony’s. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Eric now. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or serious about wanting to do those things to me. I felt like I was going to cry as I pulled my knees up under my hoody and hugged them to my chest.

  
“You really are tiny you know that? You’d probably feel like a girl, are you nice and tight? Because I’ve met some girls who were super tight like so tight it hurts. Is your boy pussy like that?” Eric taunted.

  
Just then Josh came into the room, “Eric leave that kid alone,” Josh warned sitting in the seat that was now empty in-between us.

  
“Dude I’m just messing with him,” Eric said.

  
“The kid is fucking beyond terrified I can tell just by looking at him. Leave him alone,” Josh said, “How would you like it if I tossed shit in your bitch ass face? You don’t know what he’s been through. Keep your mouth shut.”

  
“Whatever man,” Eric sighed getting up and walking out of the room.

  
“You know he’s just picking on you because he knows it bothers you?” Josh asked me.

  
“Are you sure he doesn’t mean it?” I asked.

  
“Pretty sure. He’s not that cruel, he’s just an asshole,” Josh said.

  
“You’re sure?” I asked again.

  
“Hey if he tries anything you tell me and I’ll beat his face in for you ok?” Josh said, “I don’t care if you’re a one or a five it’s not cool to do that to someone all right?”

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head as everyone else started to filter into the room.


	19. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The orderlies decide to try the same topic for social issues group again with more success. John makes a phone call home to check on his siblings and learns some heart breaking news that makes him feel beyond guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 340 to 349. A bit of a short chapter mostly group and plot stuff, Warnings : Rape/Non-con, Talk of sexual abuse, talk of Eating disorder, talk of mental health, bullying, swearing. Lots of dialogue but felt that it didn't fix with what happens next so decided to make it into it's own small chapter for a short and sweet double post (other post is a Chapter of Will's POV).

Once everyone was in the room Hannah started passing out a worksheet we were supposed to read from and I heard moans as it was passed around and Hannah sighed, “I’m sorry about yesterday that my fault and Sandy’s fault it wasn’t very well thought out. So today we’re going to try and go over it again only we’re sticking to facts. No one is to discuss anything until after we’re done reading the worksheet and be respectful of one another. This means don’t ask someone a question you yourself wouldn’t answer, please.”

  
I’ll start and we’ll read around the room ok? “Rape sexual assault and child abuse, ok next person,” Hannah said.

  
Ashley sighed and then started reading “1 out of every 6 American women as been the victim of an attempted or completed rape or sexual assault in her lifetime.”

  
Ron looked up at Hannah, “Do I have to read this?”

  
“Yes, Ron please,” Hannah answered.

  
“About 3% of American men or 1 out of 33 as experienced an attempted or completed rape or sexual assault in their lifetime,” Ron read out loud.

  
“Child Protective Services agencies substantiated, or found strong evidence to indicate that, 63,000 children a year are victims of sexual abuse.,” Tyler read.

  
“A majority of child victims are 12-17. Of victims under the age of 18: 34% of victims of sexual assault and rape are under age 12, and 66% of victims of sexual assault and rape are age 12-17,” Troy read.

  
“9 out of every 10 rape victims is female,” Eric read.

  
Josh sighed and started reading, “The majority of sexual assaults occur at or near the victim’s home with 55% at the victim’s home or close to it, 15% in a public open space, 12% at or near a relative’s home, 10% in an enclosed public area such as a parking garage and 8% on school property.”

  
I felt like my hands were shaking but I did my best to appear calm reading the first line in my head before I read it aloud, “48% of victims were sleeping or preforming another activity at home when the assault occurred, 29% were traveling to or from work, school or other places, 12% were working ,7 %...” I swallowed my voice getting caught for a minute, “7% were attending school and 5% were engaging in other activities at the time their assault occurred.”

  
“You all right John?” Hannah asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered.

  
“You sure you don’t want to step out and get a drink of water or anything?” Hannah asked me gently.

  
“Yeah could I? If that’s ok,” I asked.

  
“Yes, go ahead,” Hannah said, “Dom continue please.”

  
I shut the door quietly behind me as I got up and walked out into the foyer dipping down and turning on the drinking fountain. I felt tired. Just like I was too worn out to sit in the room with everyone as they read that paper. I sighed after a minute and went back in to find Regan reading.

  
“There are many types of sexual assault the type of sexual assault that effects the most vulnerable of our population is often called Child sexual abuse, there is when a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically and sexually. Sometimes it can be concurrent abuse meaning more than one type of abuse is occurring at once and can also include child neglect. These are all crimes,” Regan read.

  
Terra cleared her throat and begin to read, “Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse that includes any sexual activity with a minor. A child cannot legally consent to any form of sexual activity period.”

  
Adam looked at Hannah and put his paper down, “I thought we were supposed to be talking about rape. Like date rape type of stuff yesterday not child sexual abuse?”

  
Hannah sighed, “Ok I know yesterday sucked I’m sorry everyone that is my fault. I didn’t plan it out well it was a bad idea but that survey Sandy passed out altered me that maybe this is something we should cover but in a delicate way considering the results that survey got us. We’re going to discuss something after we’re done reading the handout if you could please continue Burgess that would be great if you don’t want to you can pass I suppose and I’ll read your section but I want everyone to give some sort of participation ok?”

  
“So, I can pass?” Adam asked her.

  
“Yes, I’ll read it,” Hannah said clearing her throat, “This type of crime can have long lasting effects on the victim for years. Child sexual abuse does not need to include physical contact between the perpetrator and a child.”

  
“Some forms of child sexual abuse include, Exhibitionism, or exposing oneself to a minor, fondling, intercourse, masturbation in the presence of a minor or forcing a minor to masturbate, obscene phone calls, text or digital interaction, producing, owning or sharing…what the…? Is that a real thing? Pornographic images or movies of children, sex of any kind including vaginal, oral or anal, sex trafficking…I’m not even sure what that is, or any other sexual conduct that is harmful to a child’s mental, emotional or physical welfare,” Debbie read sliding some of her own comments and questions into her section.

  
“Ok, apparently, Debbie has some questions that I think it might be good to address right now, how many people know what porn is?”

  
“I’m pretty sure we all know what porn is besides maybe Ron and Troy,” Kassandra answered.

  
“I know what porn is,” Troy said.

  
“Ok well people sometimes make those types of videos with children or teens in them. Somethings those kids are around your age they share them online or buy them over the internet and trade them with like-minded people and sadly yes, it’s a real thing. Kids who are in those videos aren’t just victimized at the time of the assault but over and over every time someone watches that video. Sex trafficking is when someone sells their child for drugs or money so people can use them in …sometimes making pornography or to sleep with in a sexual way and that’s a real thing as well that happens. Very distressing for those of you who didn’t realize this type of stuff happens I’m sure but, there are organizations all around the world who help kids in that situation. Our own FBI has a task force they are setting up to help stop people from making children do these things and catch the people doing it so they can put them in prison for a very long time. Next person.”

  
Clara took a big breath, “What do perpetrators of child sexual abuse look like? The majority of perpetrators are someone the child or family of the child knows as many as 93% of victims under the age of 18 know their abuser. A perpetrator does not have to be an adult and can have any relationship to the child including being an older sibling or playmate, family member, teacher, coach or instructor a caretaker or the parent of a friend or another child. Child sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.”

  
The girl with blue strips in her hair jumped right in not missing a beat, “Abusers can manipulate victims to stay quiet about the sexual abuse using a number of different tactics, often an abuser will use their position of power over the victim or coerce or intimidate the child, they might tell that child the activity is normal or that they enjoyed it. An abuser may make threats if the child refuses to participate or plans to tell another adult, Child sexual abuse is not only a physical violation it is a violation of trust and/or authority.”

  
“Ok, just for a second I’m not going to ask anyone but if you happen to be someone who answered yes on the survey I want you to think about how many of those things you have heard whether you’ve ever heard your abuser say something like “you know you want it or I’m going to kill your mom if you tell anyone. Or maybe something like “There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing it’s normal” If you’ve heard any of those things you should know they are lying to you. They are trying to keep you silent. Sometimes they go further than that actually hitting you, beating you or doing other things that might not leave physical signs but can hurt just as bad and confuse you just as much. Ok continue Kendra.

  
“Child sexual abuse isn’t always easy to spot. The perpetrator could be someone you’ve known for a long time or trust which may make it even harder to notice consider the following warning signs. Bleeding bruises or swelling in the genital area, bloody, torn or stained under clothes, Difficulty walking or sitting,” Kendra said frowning and looking at me, “Frequent urinary or yeast infections, pain, itching or burning in the genital area.”

  
“What was that Kendra?” Hannah asked.

  
“He had a limp the other day.”

  
“I stubbed my toe,” I lied not wanting to talk about any of it.

  
“I don’t know. It was a big limp like, not a toe stubbed limp but something else,” Kendra said.

  
Hannah sighed, “Ok Kendra if you had hurt yourself by falling over would you want someone to confront you in front of a group of people?”

  
“I guess not. I mean I know I’m clumsy,” Kendra answered.

  
“And if your limp was caused by something else do you think you’d want to talk about it?” Hannah asked.

  
Kendra was quiet for a minute, “Sorry John I didn’t mean to be in your business. You’re right Miss Hannah I’m sorry.”

  
“Thank you,” Hannah said, “Dillon your next.”

  
“Behavioral signs of sexual abuse, changes in hygiene such as refusing to bathe or bathing excessively, develops phobias, exhibits signs of depression or PTSD, expresses suicidal thoughts especially adolescents, has trouble in school such as absences, skipping classes or a drop in grades, inappropriate sexual knowledge or behaviors, nightmares or bet wetting, Overly protective and concerned for siblings, or assumes a caretaker role, returns to regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking, Runs away from home or school, self-harming behaviors and shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact.”

  
“Ok I think we’re back at the beginning Ash,” Hannah said.

  
“While talking to your child about sexual abuse might be difficult it is important to talk to them about it so they understand and can better protect themselves and notify you the parents if sexual abuse is taking place the key to protecting your kids is informing them and starting the conversation young and having it often,” Ash read.

  
“Teach young children the language they need to talk about their bodies and information about boundaries to help them understand what is allowed and what is considered inappropriate. These lessons help them know when something isn’t right and give them power to speak up,” Ron said.

  
“Teach children the names of their body parts, teach them that some body parts are private and people shouldn’t touch or look at them and if a health care professional has to examine these parts of the body be present, teach your child it’s ok to say no to touches that make them feel uncomfortable. This means supporting their decision to say no to contact from a family member at a family gathering they may not be comfortable hugging,” Tyler read.

  
“Talk about secrets, perpetrators will often use secret-keeping to manipulate children let children know they can always talk to you especially if they’ve been told to keep a secret, if they see someone touching another child they shouldn’t keep that a secret either and reassure them they won’t get in trouble.” Troy said.

  
“All of these things are things that are important for your child to know and can help prevent them from becoming victims of child sexual assault because people are less likely to target children that are informed and will speak up,” Eric mumbled quickly.

  
“Ok are there any questions?” Hannah asked.

  
“Child porn is really a thing?” Terra asked.

  
“Yeah, it’s really a thing. Ask Johnny,” Eric said smirking as I felt like I’d be punched in the stomach again.

  
“Eric, I certainly hope you are joking and either way that was inappropriate so you need to go up the desk and tell Gavin you’re in isolation understand?” Hannah warned him.

  
“That’s bullshit,” Eric scoffed.

  
“That’s not bullshit. You don’t single someone out like that and you don’t joke about something like this. That wasn’t funny and I won’t accept it so you need to go to the desk and tell them you’re in the back until I can come and talk to you about why that wasn’t acceptable,” Hannah said pointing to the door.

  
“Whatever,” Eric snorted and got up opening the door and slamming it loudly behind him as he left the room and went up to the front desk.

  
“Yes, Terra sadly it’s a very real thing and it happens to many children. Usually it’s violent and nasty people who force kids to do that. The people who have to go through that are psychologically damaged for the rest of their lives,” Hannah answered.  
“It’s not always violent,” Dom said quietly almost so quietly half the room didn’t hear him.

  
“What Dom? I’m sorry,” Hannah asked.

  
“It’s not always violent like huh,” Dom’s cheeks flushed, “Sometimes, just the threat of them hitting you is enough to make you…do what they want you to do.”

  
“Yes, that can be true and that’s away that a lot of them get people to stay silent is they don’t hurt them that way they can try and convince their victim it’s something the victim wanted. Something they were willing to do. Another thing that they sometimes do is convince the victim it’s their fault, blame them for example they might say something like “If you weren’t so beautiful I wouldn’t want to do this type of stuff to you” or they might say to their victim “you seduced me” things like that which are not true at all. The people who do this are usually older they are usually adults where as a kid can only be expected to defend themselves so much. Even boys around Josh’s age are not match for a lot of grown adult men which are around 90% of the people who do this,” Hannah said.

  
“My cousin said that to me,” Terra said quietly, “That it was my fault because I was so beautiful that I was just asking for it, teasing him. I felt guilty about it for a very long time and I shouldn’t have. It was his fault not mine.”

  
“I’m sorry someone did that to you Terra,” Josh said and all us nodded our heads in agreement.

  
“I think, at first after it happened I just felt like if I did something to make myself less attractive no one would ever do that to me again and so I stopped eating. Then before I realized it I wasn’t in control anymore, I was what I am now. That one thing, that one moment might actually kill me one day. It’s actually really stupid and sad when you think about it.” Terra said.

  
“I understand that, wanting to go unnoticed. Wanting to disappear,” Adam said and a lot of us nodded our heads in agreement.

  
“Ok everyone take a break, make some phone calls and what not guys Mr. Tony is going to be doing goals group with you and then it’ll be showers and bed time. Tomorrow is Friday so it’s my first short day of the weekend but I’ll be here for anyone that wants to talk for sure and of course Levi and Sam will be here, go do your thing,” Hannah said standing up dismissing us.

  
Since it had mentioned being protective of siblings I had felt the urge to call mine, to talk to Will and see how he was doing, if he was ok because I knew what was happening to him. That Da was probably using him as a substitute for me I went up to the phone and immediately dialed out the phone ringing as I heard my heart pound in my chest.

 

“Hello?” I heard a voice I couldn’t quiet place answer.

  
“Matty, Mikey?” I asked not sure who it was.

  
“Mikey,” Mikey told me.

  
“It’s John, I’m calling to check in and see what’s going on,” I said.

  
“Huh, it’s tiring, the babies but otherwise things are going okish,” Mikey answered, “Why?”

  
“Because I care about you guys,” I answered.

  
“Yeah where was that caring when you tried to leave us here?” Mikey asked surprising me with how adult he sounded and seemed.

  
“I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself it was selfish and stupid,” I answered him, “How is Will doing?”

  
“I don’t know he won’t talk to me,” Mikey answered, “Da let him go for a while on Wednesday he came up here but he didn’t really say that much just ate and read his book. He went back downstairs last night and I haven’t seen him since. Alice is complaining but we’re trying to make things easier.”

  
“What do you mean she’s complaining?” I asked.

  
“About different things,” Mikey answered quietly.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him feeling like my heart was going to stop.

  
“Don’t worry about it, it’s ok we’ll be fine just get home, all right?” Mikey asked me, “Have you seen mum? Do you know when she’s coming home?”

  
“No,” I answered, “I’m supposed to be out Monday but I’m not sure if I’m coming home right away or not. There’s stuff going on there that I huh, it’s not something you need to hear about. Anyway, I wish you would tell me what’s going on. How is Will doing?”

  
“Like I said I can’t tell you because he won’t talk to anyone but Da’s not really letting him leave Da’s bedroom so that should answer some questions you have. Mr. Lord was over yesterday while you were getting a visit from Da. He took James down in the basement.”

  
“No,” My heart sank.

  
“He seems like he’s ok he’s just really quiet right now,” Mikey answered me, “So you’re coming home Monday you think?”

  
“Yeah, I think so. What about you, are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know,” Mikey answered.

  
“What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll be fine,” Mikey answered.

  
“Ok I’ll be home as soon as I can, I swear to you. Tell everyone I’m sorry and to just hold on ok?” I said feeling like I was choking on my own air knowing they were in pain. That without me their lives were hell. That Da was probably doing things to every one of them and if it wasn’t him it was uncle Ben.

  
The fact that he had let Lord over there and let him touch James who was barely old enough to really understand what they were doing to him made me so angry. I wanted to punch the wall just because I felt so helpless and couldn’t think of anything else to do but managed to sigh.

  
“We’ll be ok,” Mikey insisted, “We always are. We just miss you and mum.”

  
“I know I’m sorry. This isn’t fair to you that I did this I’m sorry. I love you Mikey tell everyone else I love them and I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

  
“I will, I love you too. We’ll be ok,” Mikey said.

  
“Ok, get in bed. It’s past your bedtime. Goodnight,” I replied.

  
“Night,” Mikey said and hung up the phone.

  
I looked around me my heart racing the whole room feeling like it was spinning. I didn’t know what to do I felt so helpless being stuck where I was knowing I couldn’t protect them I remember the time and then dialed his office knowing he was probably still up there that the line should be free it rang twice and then he answered.

  
“Hello Connor McGregor here how can I help you?” He said as I felt like there were marbles in my mouth hearing his voice over the line, a voice that sounded warm and inviting. Not the cold voice that made my skin crawl as he whispered things in my ear at night making me do things with him, “Hello?” He questioned into the phone.

  
“Da,” I said quietly.

  
“Hi baby, what’s going on?” He asked me.

  
“Leave them alone Da,” I begged him tears forming in my eyes, “Please.”

  
“That is something you should have thought about before you decided that slitting your wrist was a preference you had to being with me,” he said coldly.

  
“Da please, please don’t let them do anything else. Keep him away from James. James is only little it’s not fair,” I begged.

  
“Jamie is fine he’s making a new friend. Mr. Lord likes him. Don’t worry he doesn’t hurt him, he’s nice,” Da said.

  
“Da no,” I hissed quietly.

  
“Don’t worry about it baby. Maybe when you get home we’ll work something out huh? One video a month in exchange for your brother and his virtue, what’s left of it,” Da said casually.

  
I swallowed, “Maybe. Don’t I already have tons of those though?” I asked him.

  
“You know about that?” He asked me.

  
“About what?” I asked.

  
“Don’t play stupid. The website,” he hissed.

  
“Dom saw his Dad on it once. He remembered the address and took a closer look when his Dad wasn’t home. He told me what he found so yeah, I know about it,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ok then,” He said sighing, “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

  
“I know,” I answered.

  
“I got a call from Leo earlier,” Da said, “You want to tell me why I have to be gentle with you?”

  
“Da, there’s people here,” I answered.

  
“Ok then you’ll tell me tomorrow, right?” Da asked me.

  
“Yes,” I replied.

  
“Ok baby,” Da answered, “I love you I’ll see you tomorrow, all right?”

  
“Yeah, Da, I love you too,” I answered before I hung up the phone. I felt numb. He was letting people rape them and there was nothing I could do about it. I had no power here. None at all. I couldn’t even offer myself to him in order to keep them safe because I wasn’t home. I sighed walking down the hallway towards my bedroom.

  
“John?” Hannah asked in the darkness causing me to turn around.

  
“Yeah Miss Hannah?” I asked.

  
“Can I talk to you for just a second?” She asked me.

  
I nodded my head and turned around walking back towards her. When I came up to her, her eyes seemed sad looking at me like she was searching hard for something. Scanning my eyes for some sort of clue.

  
“Is what Eric said true? Someone took photos of you doing certain things?” She asked me slowly.

  
I shook my head and sighed.

  
“Ok, every boy answered yes to that one question yesterday so I thought I would check. Can you tell me what did happen?” She asked me slowly.

  
I sighed and thought of my lie, of my cover story, “I was seven. My football coach did things to me,” I answered.

  
“Are you sure that’s all?” She asked me, “I mean the scars on your chest, the marks I saw on your hips all of those things point in a different direction.”

  
“Yes, I’m sure. If there was something else going on I wouldn’t tell you anyway,” I answered.

  
“Why, because you don’t trust me?” She asked me.

  
“No, it’s not that. It’s safer that way,” I answered, “Hypothetically speaking.”

  
“Why do you think that?” She asked me, “I can get you help if something is happening.”

  
“Nothing is happening. I swear it to you. Not for a long time now ok?” I asked her looking at her.

  
She pursed her lips and nodded her head after a moment, “Ok,” she said, “I believe you.”

  
“May I go to bed early?” I asked, “I’m tired.”

  
“Of course, if you don’t need to shower or anything you are very much free to go to bed,” she answered me.

  
“Ok, thank you. Goodnight,” I answered turning around and walking back down the hallway.

  
I heard her sigh sadly behind me but I didn’t turn around. I was too tired to care and I felt like it wasn’t worth it. As long as I kept my mouth shut it didn’t matter whether she believed me or not I had already killed one person and I wasn’t going to kill another one.

  
I went into the room I shared with Dom and curled up in my bed allowing my anxiety to show allowing my body to tremble releasing all the anxiety that I had been holding in since I had seen Leo closing my eyes and allowing myself to try and relax. My mind still racing around with what I had said to Leo. How I had promised that I would be his that I would uphold my contract. At some point I fell asleep Only to be woken to the sound of panting and frantic whispering.

  
I knew what was happening. I knew it was Neal, I knew what he was doing and I knew there was nothing I could to stop it. Nothing I could offer him to make him leave Dom alone so I did as I had promised the first night I got there. I kept my eyes closed. I tried not to move or make a sound until I heard the door of our room open and footsteps recede down the hallway.

  
I waited a moment and then sat up opening my eyes to find Dom pulling his pants back up his hands shaking. I looked at him in the dark and he noticed me and sighed heavily only shooting me a brief glance. I stared at him in silence not sure what to say before he just shook his head and cleared his throat not making eye contact with me.

  
“Hey,” Dom whispered.

  
“Hi,” I answered quietly, “Are you ok?”

  
Dom looked at me and barely shook his head, “I’ll be fine.”

  
“You sure?” I asked.

  
“Yeah kind of hurt actually so, not too bad. A little bit of pain goes a long way sometimes,” Dom answered.

  
“So, it wasn’t…” he cut me off.

  
“Can we just pretend it didn’t happen? That you didn’t hear any of it?” He asked me, “And I’m going to go clean up a little bit and then hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. Just one thing though, you could have reminded me about that fucking monster in his pants.”

  
“I huh, sorry?” I said.

  
“Explains, your cowboy walk every morning,” Dom said shaking his head as he waddled to the bathroom and turned on the sink.

  
I felt horrible. Completely and honestly terrible about the fact I didn’t think to warn him. I honestly didn’t think Neal would do that to him just because Neal couldn’t have me. I felt so incredibly stupid and like keeping my mouth closed had been a bad idea because I could feel Dom’s anger radiating from him through the bathroom door. The door opened after a few minutes and he still wouldn’t look at me.

  
“I’m sorry Dom, really I am,” I said.

  
“It’s not you who did it. Don’t worry about it,” Dom said laying down.

  
“Look if this happened because Leo said they couldn’t do that to me than it is my fault and I’m sorry ok?” I said.

  
“No, it’s not your fault because they shouldn’t even want to do that to you or me or anyone, all right? I don’t care to talk about it. I just kind of want to go to sleep. So, if you don’t mind I will curl up in the ball and allow my asshole to burn while I try to sleep,” Dom answered.

  
“Ok, got it. I really am sorry though,” I replied.

  
“I know you are but you shouldn’t be,” Dom said, “Goodnight John.”

  
“Night,” I said laying back down and closing my eyes.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's break is cut short. A break of three days he thought he was going to get suddenly slashed in half when Connor and Leo come to an agreement. He learns things from Leo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 350 to 369, Warnings: Talk of rape, non/con mental health issues, bullying. I was lazy with editing this chapter I have a busy week but wanted to give you guys something. Let me know what you think or what you think is going to happen.

I managed to fall asleep and sleep through the night until Neal woke both Dom and I up at the same time. I think we both went through vitals half asleep and then showers, just like everyone else. The whole day already seeming long after answering questions like “did you have a bowel movement last night?” and “Do you feel like hurting yourself?” first thing in the morning. I went to the day room and sat down looking over to find Adam sitting there.

  
“Morning,” Adam said.

  
“Morning,” I said.

  
“You seem better today,” Adam said as Dillon came in and leaned his head on Adam’s shoulder closing his eyes.

  
“For now,” I answered knowing what was going to happen Monday. Knowing that the only reason I hadn’t been raped the night before or that morning was because they had been told to keep their hands off me. That way I’d be ready for Monday when I probably wouldn’t go home or if I did it would only be for a short while and then I would go with Leo. Go with him where ever it was he was planning on taking me.

  
“You shouldn’t lean on him like that,” Dom said to Dillon as he sat down next to me, “Not unless you want your name in a certain glass orb if you know what I’m saying.”

  
“I’m not doing anything but trying to go back to sleep,” Dillon mumbled.

  
“On his shoulder,” Dom replied.

  
“You’re just jealous because you don’t have someone you can do this with,” Dillon said still not opening his eyes.

  
“Excuse me I just…never mind,” Dom said shaking his head, “Your funeral.”

  
“Ah,” Adam said nodding his head, “You ok Dom?”

  
Dom just shrugged his shoulders and avoided looking at Adam. He didn’t care to talk about it just like I never cared to really talk about it. I felt like it wasn’t anyone’s business unless I wanted it to be and that was how I felt about most people.

  
“This is why you two are friends,” Adam said, making the same comment he had made to me.

  
“What?” Dom asked confused.

  
“He says we don’t talk about things and that’s why we’re friends,” I said and Dom looked at me.

  
“Maybe,” Dom agreed.

  
“You two should be a thing,” Dillon said only opening one eye causing both Dom and I to look at each other and start laughing.

  
“I couldn’t.” I said shaking my head.

  
“Why not?” Dillon said sitting up, “You two would be cute together just saying…”

  
“Well, his heart belongs to someone else and his body belongs to someone different than that. So, he’s pretty taken,” Dom commented for me shaking his head as I nodded mine.

  
“That and Dom is…not in the market. correct?” I asked Dom.

  
“Yeah, I’m not really into…that,” Dom said.

  
“You’re straight? How on earth have you managed to be straight when you have someone shoving their…” Dillon started to ask as Adam covered Dillon’s mouth with his hand.

  
“Don’t,” Adam warned and Dillon sighed and rolled his eyes but stopped asking his question.

  
“I am mostly uninterested,” Dom answered.

  
“OH!” Dillon said, “Got you.”

  
“Oh?” Eric questioned, “What you letting everyone stick it in you now Dillon? I’m honestly surprised.”

  
“Shut up,” Adam said as Dillon looked angrily at Eric.

  
“Are we supposed to talk about you and Sam now?” Dillon asked.

  
“What about me and fire crotch and that dream I had about him last night?” Eric chided at me making me feel sick.

  
“John don’t throw up please,” Dom said seeing it on my face.

  
“He vomits when he gets really nervous,” Adam said as Dillon shot him a questioning look.

  
“Not every time, Jesus,” I said, “I’m fine, ok? I’m just not ok with those types of comments.”

  
“Why not?” Eric asked, “Can’t tell if I’m joking or not?”

  
“I don’t personally think it matters if you’re joking. You need to stop,” Adam said.

  
“Why? He’s a five like he really has any idea what it’s like,” Eric snorted, “He probably gets done on pillowtop mattresses and has never seen a whip in his life.”

  
“Why do you always say that?” Dillon asked, “He’s a five yeah. but whatever, he’s still one of us and he doesn’t fucking want Sam.”

  
“I have videos of me out there,” I said, “You know it and so does everyone else. and you think I haven’t seen a whip? I’m pretty damn sure in at least one of those videos they are whipping me or something pretty damn close to it.”

  
“Tell me what it was like and I might actually believe you,” Eric said.

  
“Hell no!” Dom said, “Nope. You have no right to ask that of anyone. You won’t fucking talk so he doesn’t have to fucking say shit to you. He doesn’t owe you anything. He doesn’t have to tell you anything about his life, his family or anything he’s been through just like you don’t. So, keep your fucking mouth shut before I shut it for you.”

  
“You think you could take me?” Eric asked standing up.

  
Dom sighed and stood up wearing an angry sneer, “Hey, I’m fucking pissed the morning and pounding someone’s face in doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now. So, yeah I’ll see what I can muster.”

  
They squared off Eric grabbing Dom by the arms and Dom just shook his head and headbutted Eric hard in the face as someone who just came into the room let a string of expletives getting staffs attention as Eric kneed Dom in the stomach and Dom managed to give Eric and upper cut to the Jaw as Gavin came onto Unit and didn’t even take off his coat but Ran to them grabbing Eric and turning him around. He pushed Eric backwards out of the room as Josh who I don’t even remembering entering the room held Dom back and shouted at him.

  
“Jesus fucking Christ Dom calm down! what in the world?!” Josh screamed.

  
“I wasn’t in the mood!” Dom answered.

  
“Wasn’t in the mood for what?” Josh asked.

  
“Eric was taunting John again,” Adam answered.

  
“I wasn’t in the mood to see him relive any of that shit to watch his face go pale and watch him shake. I’m sorry, ok? You guys have caught on that’s what’s going on when he’s shaking like that right? He’s having constant panic attacks because he can’t deal with this. He’s almost out of this shit hole the least we can do is try to keep him calm before he has to go back to that fucking bastard and his bullshit alright?” Dom spat.

  
“Back to who?” Josh asked looking at us.

  
“I don’t…” I started to speak but Josh cut me off.

  
“You don’t want to talk about it. I get it and you haven’t really but, who your uncle? Man, whatever you are going back to, at least you’re not dead,” Josh answered.

  
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I didn’t even know if Dom knew about Leo I couldn’t remember if we had even discussed it really. I knew that we had discussed Da for sure but not Leo. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to hear anyone else discuss it. I wanted to pretend for the next three days that my whole life had just been a bad dream. That I was somewhat normal.

  
“He might as well be, he has a contract on him,” Adam said.

  
“ADAM!” I yelled feeling my face heat up.

  
“Sorry,” he answered sheepishly, “Maybe if they knew though they’d understand why you are so touchy.”

  
At that point I noticed almost everyone was in the room. I sighed knowing my personal business had just been put out there by someone I thought would keep it to themselves. It made me feel angry and hurt. Just like everyone else somehow managed to do it made me feel like I didn’t matter, like what I wanted didn’t matter.

  
“Wait, no?” Tyler said shaking his head, “They don’t do contracts on untouchables.”

  
“Yeah, they do,” Dom answered, “Pat’s a four and he has a contract so why not a five?”

  
“I don’t believe it,” Tyler said shaking his head, “Who would want to contract you?”

  
“Well,” Ron said looking at me, “He’s just barely older than me and he’s hot so who wouldn’t?”

  
“Ron!” Josh said shaking his head.

  
“Sorry,” Ron said.

  
“Is it true John? You’re contracted once you leave here?” Josh asked me quietly.

  
I knew my body was shaking. I didn’t want to talk about this. It wasn’t anyone’s business who was going to be sticking their dick up my ass once I left here. Whether it was my Da or my Uncle or Hank or Leo or all of them it wasn’t anyone’s business.

  
“John, it’s ok you don’t have to tell him anything,” Dom said to me.

  
“I’m not going to,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Just tell me who? Maybe I can pull a favor. I’m dead anyway. Maybe I can offer them a deal, give them a chance to take it out on someone else, really let loose,” Josh said.

  
I just shook my head. Leo wasn’t that type of brotherhood member. He seemed to enjoy hurting me more mentally than physically never raping me to the point where I was sore enough I couldn’t be used again after a short break. I didn’t see him ever letting loose on someone in that way. In the way I pictured Josh talking about. Remembering how Cole had described Justin’s death them drilling holes into his body just to fuck him through them and allowing him to bleed to death. Leo was sadistic in a different way. A very different way.

  
“You don’t know until you try,” Josh said softly, “Let me help you.”

  
“You can’t,” I said curling my knees to my chest, “He’s not like that.”

  
“Burgess do you know who it is?” Josh asked Adam.

  
“Huh,” Adam looked at me before he answered, “I don’t think I’m allowed to say.”

  
“How do you know it won’t work?” Josh pleaded, “please tell me.”

  
“Josh, he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t want me to so quit asking him,” Adam said a look of regret on his face telling me he was sorry.

  
“Contracts never end well. Whoever it is they will fuck you until you can’t feel anymore. You have already tried to kill yourself once, so why do you think it’s better to keep it to yourself?” Josh asked me.

  
“Because it’s my business not yours,” I answered, “I tried to kill myself because of the contract. Because I knew it was happening and I … he scares me. ok? You don’t know what he’s like. What any of them are like. You don’t know what they do.”

  
“I think we have an idea,” Josh said, “The scars on our hips will tell you that. Who is it?”

  
I just shook my head. I really didn’t want to talk about any of it. I didn’t want to think about how even now if he wanted me he could have me. How there wasn’t any escaping him. How all he had to do was tell anyone who worked here he wanted to see me and I was alone in a room with him for as long as he wanted me to be there and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“Who is it?” He asked again.

  
“I can’t tell you,” I answered.

  
“Why not?” He asked.

  
“Because it’s more trouble than it’s worth ok? If I just…” I sighed trying to swallow the tightness in my chest. The act not working. I was shaking, I knew I was going to start crying or screaming if I opened my mouth again. I couldn’t say the words “if I just let it happen like…like I promised things will be easier.” I couldn’t let them know I had agreed to it even though I was terrified of it.

  
If they knew I agreed to it all of them especially Eric would turn on me in less than a second. They would tell me I deserved what I agreed to. That I might as well go and join the brotherhood. Which wasn’t anything I ever wanted. Not with knowing the stuff they did to people.

  
“You don’t owe him any explanation,” Dom said to me, “You’re ok for right now. You’re ok.”

  
“No, I’m not,” I answered, “I’m not anywhere close to ok and I never will be.”

  
“Ok, everyone that is going to breakfast line up,” Gavin said opening up the door to the day room and sighing as he looked at us, “What’s up? Eric and Dom’s scene cause some problems because you all look terrible.”

  
“No, we’re fine,” Josh said, “Come on guy’s breakfast and then goals.”

  
Everyone sighed and started lining up next to the double doors and lead off the unit. I watched from the window and saw Gavin say something to Dom and Dom stomped his foot and protested as Gavin pointed at the day room and Dom sighed rolling his eyes and walking back over.

  
“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.

  
“Oh well apparently, Eric admitted he was being a jackass and he started it but I’m getting punished for head budding him because he might have a broken nose,” Dom said, “So I’m eating at least breakfast up here.”

  
“Neal is here,” Adam said, “If Neal isn’t taking them down and Gavin is that means Neal is here he’s either in the back with Eric or he’s going to be…”

  
“Here with us,” I finished.

  
“Fuck!” Dom said.

  
“Dom, you’ll be ok,” I answered.

  
“I can’t do that again,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“I won’t let it happen,” I said.

  
“John they’ve cocked blocked you. You aren’t yours to offer to anyone,” Adam said, “I’ll give it a go if you want me to.”

  
“No!” Dom and I said in unison.

  
“Why not? I can take being punched in the gut a couple times and held down. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before,” Adam said.

  
“He’s not like that Burgess,” Dom said, “He’s huh. He’s like my pop.”

  
“Really?” I asked, “That’s why you can’t do it again? Because he’s like that with everyone just like them? Awesome. That’s fucking great.”

  
“Yeah apparently,” Dom snorted, “Nothing worse than that.”

  
“Wait you mean to say that stuff you told me your dad does, the way he is. That’s how Neal is?” Adam asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “That’s what we’re saying.”

  
“I’ve never had that happen. Does it really hurt that bad? Fuck you up that bad?” He asked.

  
“They ever make you cum without pain before?” Dom asked straight out not sugar coating it, “They ever hit that spot that makes your eyes roll and you see spots without some type of sharp burning spreading up your body starting at your tail bone and through your gut? Trust me it’s not something you’ll like. And the things they’ll say, you don’t ever want to hear that shit.”

  
“What are you saying?” Burgess asked.

  
I sighed, “Just don’t draw his attention. If I draw it, you should be fine both of you.”

  
“We’re not your brothers,” Dom said, “Don’t. He might not even try anything.”

  
“I doubt that considering…” I mumbled.

  
“Hey, don’t man. It’s not your ass we’re talking about for once,” Dom warned me.

  
Just then the food chart arrived with three trays on it. They were set on the and we gathered around taking our seats. I laughed when I lifted the lid because it was fucking oatmeal with yogurt and apple sauce. Two things that I wouldn’t eat if my life depended on it and I thought of how that was going to keep me on restriction for tomorrow too. Awesome.

  
“What’s funny?” Dom asked.

  
“I’m not eating this,” I said pushing my tray away.

  
“Why not?” Adam asked.

  
“Reminds me too much of the diet I was on before I left home,” I answered simply.

  
“You sure about that or did you just miss my company at dinner last night?” Adam asked wiggling his eyebrows at me.

  
“Yeah you caught me. That was totally it man, I have a giant gay crush on you.” I said frowning shaking my head and Dom laughed loudly.

  
Adam started laughing too between bites of food. It was good to hear Dom laugh since I hadn’t heard him laugh that often to begin with but especially not since I found him in this place. It was good to get a laugh going. Me even giving a small chuckle at my joke as I sat there watching the other two eat their food.

  
I ate my apple sauce and drank my juice listening to the other two joke. It almost made me forget about Neal. That he was there and that he was a threat until I saw him watching us and I felt myself go cold goose bumps raising on my flesh. I didn’t want to be anywhere he was because he was worse than Gavin. I mean Gavin might be handsy but at least Gavin didn’t have an 11-inch dick that he enjoyed shoving up your ass quiet as much and usually he didn’t have a chance to get you alone.

  
“I think we’ve made it to goals all right,” Adam said pointing at the line outside the unit, “Now if everyone behaves I think we’ll be ok.”

  
“You really think so?” Dom asked, glancing at the desk in the foyer.

  
“Yeah,” Adam said, “I just have this feeling we’ll be ok and Neal doesn’t do weekends so we should be able to get through this just fine.”

  
Goals group went by fast as did most of the day but as it got closer to lunch I got more nervous because lunch met the middle of the day and that meant that soon I would be seeing Leo and Da. Hopefully not together because that hadn’t ended well ever with them either taking turns on me or doing things to me together.

  
I don’t even really remember what mental health group was about and class time involved the same old worksheets that it always did. After class I was pulled up to the unit to eat lunch with Burgess which consisted of a weird gross looking pizza and some bread sticks along with an apple. While it didn’t look that great it wasn’t half bad and Adam made faces at it as he poked it with a fork.

  
“So, is anyone visiting you today?” He asked me suddenly when I was half way done with my tray.

  
“I think my Da is coming,” I answered, “I don’t know though, not really. I kind of hope he doesn’t come because I just…”

  
“You don’t want to deal with him because you know you’ll have to Monday?” He asked me, “Speaking of have you heard anything about that yet?”

  
“About what?” I asked.

  
“How your release is going to work are you going home or what?” He asked me.

  
“I have no idea,” I answered, “I think I’m going home but I don’t know it seems like he’s leaving me here over the weekend and not having anyone touch me so he can…” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“I’m supposed to meet my new foster parents today. From what I understand they are in the brotherhood but they are supposedly nice people I guess? I don’t know I have no idea if they have any more kids or anything like that.” Adam said.

  
“Are you scared?” I asked him.

  
“Terrified,” Adam answered simply.

  
“Me too,” I answered, “People don’t get why I’m so scared of him but if they knew him, they would get it.”

  
“Who Dr. Swartzman?” Adam asked.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “Dom’s met him I just don’t think he’s put two and two together. I don’t know maybe he hasn’t even seen him up close so he doesn’t know it’s him,” I said.

  
“Just try not to think about it,” Adam said drinking some of his soda.

  
“Yeah, I’m trying to relax and enjoy the weekend but the thought of Monday scares me,” I said.

  
“Then try not to think about it, today in life skills we’re supposed to bake in the activity therapy room. That will be fun I can dump Sugar on Eric if you like, or cover him in sprinkles and flour. It might cheer you up and it will piss him the hell off. Wouldn’t be the first time someone has thrown flour at him and asked him if he got the black scared out of him. He gets damn pissed when you make those jokes. Maybe I’ll ask him how it feels to be as white as you.” Adam said smiling.

  
“I’m not that pale,” I said.

  
“Yes, yes you are it’s all that Irish in you,” Adam said.

  
“I’m like all Irish,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Does your family do anything weird and Irishy like dress up for St. Patrick’s Day?” He asked.

  
“No, we’re Irish most of my family aren’t drunks however I have a brother named Malachy and another named Seamus,” I answered.

  
“So, no top of the morning to ya greetings or anything?” Adam asked.

  
“Well, obviously, we have accents and yes the word aye gets thrown about a bit by my mum and sometimes my Da. Wee one gets used just like language stuff I guess. I don’t know a lot of the slang is the same as British. However, the longer I’m here the less I use those types of expressions. I mean if I walked around saying doing a number and things like that I think people would take it wrong,” I answered.

  
“What’s that mean?” Adam asked.

  
“Giving someone piss,” I answered.

  
“Yeah never heard that one either,” he said.

  
“It means making fun of someone to make them upset,” I answered.

  
“So, Eric likes doing a number on you?” Adam asked and I cringed.

  
“Yeah doesn’t sound right. Does it?” I asked him.

  
“No,” Adam said shaking his head.

  
I managed to finish all of my food even though I was nervous because I knew Leo was going to call me into his office at some point because he usually asked to see me before free time. I was right at some point Mr. Tony came in and motioned to me to follow him taking me off the Unit. I sighed and followed.

  
“Dr.?” I asked.

  
“Yes, he’s checking in with you,” Mr. Tony said, “I’ll be outside it’s only 20 minutes I think.”

  
“Ok, I guess once I’m done I’ll see you after,” I said as the door opened and Leo beckoned me inside making me freeze because My Da was sitting in the room.

  
“Da?” I asked still standing in the door way Mr. Tony behind me somewhere probably watching.

  
“You’re ok, come on we have stuff to talk about,” Leo said.

  
I stepped in feeling my whole-body tense. This wasn’t good. Them together was never good. Leo went up behind me and shut the door placing a hand on my shoulder for a second. I didn’t want to be in a room alone with the two of them with the door shut.  
“Sit down,” Da said patting the empty spot on the love seat next to him, “We’ve done some talking.”

  
“And?” I asked sitting down next to him reluctantly.

  
“Well,” Leo said, “You’re getting out today. But you’re not going home you’re going to stay with me and go forward with the plans you interrupted with your outburst.”

  
“What? Why can’t I go home?” I asked.

  
“Well, the contract is I have you for weekends and this might be only two and half days but you start school on Monday so we’re going to make it work. I would leave you in here but from what I understand Sam has a problem with following direction so I would rather have you someplace safer,” Leo said, “And your dad and I have agreed that it would be a good time for you to leave. You’ll stay the weekend with me so I can keep an eye on you as you adjust to your higher dose of medication and we’ll spend some quality time together.”

  
“So, I can’t see mum or the kids I just have to go with Leo?” I asked looking at my Da feeling like the air was being sucked out of the room.

  
“You’ll see mum when she gets out, she’s not being released yet and you’ll see the kids Monday after school. I have already talked to Leo about it. Your uniform is in the car with him, I had it let out for you a while ago but if we need to buy one that’s a little bigger that’s fine we’ll have them for next week ok?” Da said.

  
I sighed. I wanted to go home I didn’t want to be with Leo and I was still slightly sore in certain places just not as sore as I had been. I knew what he wanted from me. I wasn’t stupid to think I could go to his house for a whole weekend and him not want to do those types of things with me. I felt tired and confused and my weekend with a chance with no abuse had just been torn out from under me.

  
“We’re going to go up to the unit with you and I’m going to check you out and when Leo is done with his work he’s going to meet you in the parking lot and you’re going to go home with him ok?” My Da said.

  
“Am I supposed to…” I trailed off not sure how to word what I was thinking.

  
“What baby?” Da asked grabbing my shoulder.

  
“Please him?” I asked trying to put it delicately.

  
My Da smiled at me taking the question the wrong way, “You’re excited about it?”

  
I shook my head my cheeks flushing, “No, I’m still sore because of some stuff.” I answered.

  
“Sore? What happened?” My Da asked.

  
“One of the orderlies got a little too edger,” Leo answered him, “He’s ok he applied ice he might be a little bruised still but otherwise I’m sure he’s all right and I won’t…I’ll give you a break on that beautiful I promise. At least another day no matter how hard it is to not pleasure you ok?”

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Can I see?” Da asked me causing me to shake my head, “Come on baby it’s not anything I haven’t seen before. Don’t you trust me? I’m just going to look ok?” He coaxed me.

  
“I really would prefer to not do that,” I answered being careful to avoid using the words no, don’t or stop.

  
“Come on baby. It’s just so Leo and I can see that it’s healing ok,” My Da said.

  
I stood up knowing I was stuck. That they would either not allow me to leave until I showed them or would force me to show them anyway. I swallowed and undid the snaps on my pants pulling them down exposing myself trying to stay far enough away neither one of them could reach out and touch me. The both glanced at it. The bruising along the shaft less apparent then it had been the day before and definitely hurting less.

  
“That’s not too bad,” Leo said coming up to me but not touching me, “Just give it another day or two and you should be fine.”

  
“We’ve discussed somethings,” Da said, “Leo likes to …well what is it called Leo?”

  
“Danger sex,” Leo said, “The rush you get from the idea that you could be caught is beyond thrilling. Hence why my SUV has dark tinted windows because if someone pressed their face against the glass they would probably see what was happening but most people wouldn’t do that so it’s exciting. I have this new thing called a webcam and it’s pretty cool and I figured I could set that up and we could have some fun with that too. I just wanted to tell you about it and see what you think?”

  
“What’s a webcam?” I asked confused.

  
You have to understand it was 1999 and while webcams had been around for a couple of years by then they were just starting to get popular and most of the time were just used for pictures and stuff and I was 13. I didn’t know you could take pictures with your computer yet and usually had limited access to computers in general having only used them on occasion for school work and email.

  
“It’s a little camera that attaches to your computer that you can use to take pictures of yourself and sometimes video that you can put on the internet and share with other people,” Leo answered the question.

  
“You mean like the stuff on the website,” I asked gulping feeling sick to my stomach. They were going to make me make more videos and stuff of me with people to sell for money.

  
“Don’t worry about it beautiful. You won’t even know it’s happening unless I get some type of request it’s ok,” Leo said trying to reassure me that it was ok.

  
“I don’t want to do that,” I said.

  
Leo sighed looking at my Da who looked angry and shook his head, “Ok, it’s ok. It’s something to think about all right?”

  
I could feel myself shaking at the thought. Goose bumps prickling on the back of my neck. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to have sex with Leo at all let alone in front of other people. Especially the way he was. How he wasn’t rough but the way he did it, the things he said. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him.

  
“Baby, you’ll be good and do what Leo tells you ok?” My Da said hugging me and pulling me into his chest as he started rubbing the back of my neck making me tense more. I didn’t want to even think about this happening.

  
“I was supposed to stay here for the weekend though,” I said still feeling confused like they had just changed everything on a whim.

  
“Beautiful,” Leo said rolling his office chair close enough that his knees were touching against mine while my Da held me close to him making me feel like I couldn’t breathe, like I was trapped in a cage of flesh that I couldn’t escape from, “It’s ok, I’m not going to leave you here because Sam has made it very clear he won’t follow my rules and keep his hands to himself ok? Would you rather I leave you here for Sam to abuse during the day and Neal to use during the night? Because you told me that yesterday you wanted it to just be me, be us,” he explained softly.

  
I swallowed. He was right him once or twice a day wasn’t as bad as those two together three or four times a day or more. I didn’t want him on my skin though. I didn’t want to think about the things he would do to me. The things he would make me feel. How he would probably force me to sleep with other people.

  
“So, I’m leaving?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I’m going to be waiting in the lobby for when you check out. You’re going to go up to the unit make sure you have your script and what not and then they’ll walk you down to the lobby ok. Don’t tell anyone you’re going home with Leo. Just keep that between the three of us?” Da said.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head feeling sick to my stomach.

  
“Ok baby, you’ll be good for Leo, right? Be my good boy?” My Da asked me and I nodded my head staring at my lap.

  
If I did this, if I was good and got through the weekend I’d be able to see my brothers and sisters Monday after school. That might be ok. I had to be ok for them so I could see them and be there for them and I knew I could never end up in this place again not if I wanted to survive.

  
“Give me a kiss?” My Da asked me and I must have given him that look because he sighed, “Baby it’s not a big deal it’s just me and Leo here. Leo’s seen us kiss and he doesn’t mind it do you Leo?”

  
“No, I actually enjoy it. It’s refreshing to see someone enjoy you like that,” Leo said to me.

  
“Please?” I asked not wanting to do it, not wanting to feel his tongue worm around my mouth and tap against my teeth. I didn’t want him to touch me like that, to kiss me.

  
“Be a good boy,” Da said grabbing my chin and holding my face still so I couldn’t move away from him as he licked my bottom lip and then bit it lightly getting me to gasp and shoving his tongue into my mouth making my face grow hot as he did so. His kiss deepening as he leaned his weight forward forcing me to lay back. I started to push at him whimpering a little bit under his weight and the pressure of his kiss.

  
I felt like he was going to rape me. Like he was going to force the pants off my body and push his way inside of me right there in front of Leo as he hands went under my shirt tugging at my nipples rubbing his hands up and down the bumpiness of my rib cage making me squirm. Making me wish I was anywhere else but underneath him.

  
“Connor, we agreed,” I heard Leo sigh and Da broke our kiss moving away from me allowing me to sit up and pull my shirt back down as I gasped for air and I tried to collect myself.

  
“Sorry Leo, he’s so hard to resists if he wasn’t such a little tease…” My Da trailed off his eyes still giving me that look. The look that said he wanted to touch me, feel me in ways he shouldn’t ever want from his own son.

  
“I know, but he’s mine for the next six months Friday through Monday afternoon so if you could please respect that I would really be happy,” Leo said.

  
“Yes of course, I’m sorry,” Da said apologizing to Leo for almost violating me in front of him.

  
“Thank you. Ok beautiful Mr. Tony will take you back to the unit to do your discharge paperwork and we should be out of here by around 3pm and no our way to my condo,” Leo said standing up and making sure my clothes were in place before he opened the door.

  
“Mr. Tony start getting his discharge papers ready,” Leo said to him.

  
“Yes sir. Congrats John that’s great that you’re getting out,” Mr. Tony said to me smiling as we started walking back to the unit.

  
He must have noticed how solemn I seemed because he sighed looking at me like he could tell I wasn’t happy to be leaving. That or he thought I wasn’t ready to leave. I mean eight days ago, I had tried to kill myself and nearly succeeded which didn’t make me an ideal candidate for a week-long hospital stay.

  
“Are you ok John?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered lying.

  
“You sure about that?” He asked me again.

  
“There’s nothing anyone can do about it I might as well just accept it. It is what it is,” I answered honestly trying to keep my face blank trying to stay emotionless.

  
I didn’t want him to know how I felt. How much I was afraid of this even though I had said ok to it, had agreed to it just to get out of here. I mean when I said yes, I didn’t think I’d get out of here free and clear at all but I wasn’t exactly expecting to go straight from the hospital to his condo to be his…his toy. Just thinking about it make my mouth go dry with anxiety.

  
“Accept what?” Mr. Tony asked like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He probably knew exactly what I was talking about but wanted to hear me say it. Wanted me to confront my reality.

  
“That I’m their toy. That they get to do whatever they want and I have to accept it,” I answered just as we got the unit and he put the key in the door opening it and pushing on the handle as I held it open and walked through him following behind me.  
“Go say goodbye, I’ll try to buy you a little bit of time ok?” he said to me and I nodded my head.

  
I walked onto the unit past the desk and noticed that Dom wasn’t in the day room and hoped to god he wasn’t in the bedroom with Gavin and when I got there. I sighed with relief because he wasn’t he was sitting on his bed reading a book. When he heard me walk in he looked up and then his smile turned into a frown as he saw my face.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked.

  
“I’m leaving,” I answered.

  
“Well at least you’ll have your brother and sister’s, right? I mean it can’t be that bad besides your Dad.” Dom replied.

  
“No, you don’t get it I’m leaving but I’m not going home,” I answered.

  
“Where are you going then?” He asked me.

  
“To his house,” I answered.

  
“Whose house?” He asked starting to get worried.

  
“You remember that day we skipped before the party? How we went to the beach and just pissed off school combing the beach and being stupid? How we stopped at that diner and that guy showed up with Hank?” I asked.

  
“That guy that kept threatening you in the bathroom that you were beyond terrified of. The guy that just wouldn’t leave you alone that guy?” Dom said closing his book looking at me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “He’s that guy.”

  
“And you’re supposed to go home with him?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Oh no, no,” Dom said shaking his head and balling his fist like he was mad, “no”.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “How do I do this?”

  
“Contract?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“You just do what you are told and learn how to read them. Sometimes asking them what they like helps. Some of them will tell you right off the bat, some of them will make you guess. Just try and go with the flow. Sometimes if you’re good some of them are pretty nice when they aren’t… you know,” Dom answered.

  
“You’ve had a contract?” I asked.

  
“Two,” Dom answered this look flashing across his face before he managed to make his expression blank, “Just like one when I was eight and another one when I was 11. Usually they came over to our house and it wasn’t always horrible. I don’t know. One of them he liked to take me places, the beach, Disney World, he took me to the zoo a couple of times, the movies. It was fun when he wasn’t…I almost liked him until he got me somewhere alone and reminded me why he was so nice to me. That it was all just a trick to get me to do what he wanted.”

  
“He was rough?” I asked quietly.

  
“I was eight. You remember being eight when your body is that small everything they do hurts. I mean you bleed just about every time you don’t remember that?” Dom asked me.

  
“When I was that size it was only ever twice,” I answered, “I do remember being so sore I couldn’t move though.”

  
“You’re lucky then. That it only happened twice when you were that size because it happened to me 1000’s of times. I guess that’s what happens when you’re raised in it though. When they buy you just for that.” Dom answered.

  
“Yeah, I am lucky that my Da made sure my uncle didn’t use me like that until I was older. At least not regularly, apparently, something happened and I still don’t remember it and I personally don’t want to.” I said.

  
“If that’s true if you were too little you’re lucky to be alive because I remember it taking weeks to heal sometimes when I was eight. If you were much younger than that…I can’t imagine how that went,” Dom replied, “But what’s this guy like?”

  
“He’s bad,” I answered, “Do you remember the stuff he said to you?”

  
“About my Dad?” Dom asked.

  
“He says really really bad things,” I said, “All the time.”

  
“Considering what I remember him saying to me? I can believe it. Just try and go with the flow it’ll be over before you know it ok? I’ll be here. Anytime you need to talk about something or there is something you need to share that you feel like you can’t share with Pat I’m here ok?” Dom said standing up and coming over to me before he patted my shoulder in encouragement.

  
I hugged him and he hugged me back tightly just for a second, “Ok.” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Good,” Dom said, “Don’t be afraid to call me. I’ll be out on Monday or Tuesday so it won’t be that long. You ready?”

  
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered, “Thanks.”

  
“No problem, good luck alright?” Dom said.

  
I nodded my head and walked out to the day room and popped my head in. I told Burgess I was leaving. I tried to keep the goodbye as short as possible with him wishing me good luck but grimacing knowing it probably wasn’t anything good. I didn’t want to tell him he was right or think about what his fate would be like now that I was leaving, not knowing if I would ever see him again or not.

  
After that I walked up to the front desk to go over discharge paperwork and check out. It went a lot faster than intake did. I barely remember it besides stripping my bed and making sure that all the clothes I came in with (which was a hospital gown) were with me. They allowed me to wear my hospital uniform home which I had plans to burn later.

  
When I got off the unit my Da was there and Leo was somewhere in the back on his way out for the day. My Da took me outside and I felt my heart stop as we walked up to the car parked next to that black SUV. I swallowed trying to hide my anxiety. I knew I agreed to it so I didn’t want to protest but it felt wrong. I knew it was wrong and I knew I didn’t want to get into the SUV with Leo because once I did I was his.

  
His to do whatever he wanted to. His to make cry and scream and struggle. I knew what I was going to go do. But, just seeing the SUV made me start to shake. It made me remember how badly he had scared me that day and then it made me remember Angela if he had a wife how was he planning to explain my presence every weekend at their home? I didn’t want to ask my Da that question but it really made me think about it. That maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as I was expecting them to be.

  
“I love you, this is going to be ok,” Da told me trying to give me some assurance.

  
“Da don’t,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t feel like this is ok. This is something I don’t want to do but it’s better than being locked up in there,” I said gesturing to the hospital.

  
“Well hopefully you’re mum gets tired of spreading lies about me. You know, how I hate her and you kids. I don’t hate any of you I love you. I love all of you so much I want more kids with her,” Da said.

  
“If you love us why do you treat us the way you do?” I asked him.

  
“Because of how much I love you. When you don’t listen, you need to be corrected ok? I’m not doing it to punish you. I’m doing it to teach you and the rest I know society says it’s not right but there is nothing wrong with expressing your love to your kids,” He answered just as Leo approached us.

  
“You ready to go?” Leo asked me.

  
I felt overwhelming anxiety. If I said no would he sent me back in there and give them a free for all banishing me to the isolation area where they could do whatever they wanted to me? Would he let them treat me like I was some object to use to make themselves happy? Before I could stop myself my tongue went to my back molar. I didn’t want any of this.

  
“As ready as I’m going to be,” I answered as both him and Da were waiting for my answer.

  
“Ok, come on say good bye to your dad you’ll get to see him Monday,” Leo said smiling as he opened the passenger side door for me.

  
“I’ll see you later,” I said not looking my Da in the face. Knowing this was something he agreed to and not me. I agreed to sleeping with Leo yeah. But I hadn’t agreed to leave the hospital and go straight to his house.

  
“Yeah, I love you son be good ok? Listen to Leo,” My Da said hugging me causing me to twitch as I lightly wrapped my arms around him returning the hug.

  
“I love you too,” I mumbled quietly before I turned and climbed into the car where Leo was still holding the door open.

  
He must have talked to my Da for a minute or two because it took him a while to get to the other side of the car where he opened the driver side door and climbed in smiling at me. I exhaled slowly trying to keep my breathing even remembering the last time I was in this car with him and what he had done to me. How he had made me lay in the back and forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. I glanced in the rear-view mirror and noticed the back seat was up like it was supposed to be and that made me feel a little more at ease but I still felt shaky and unsure, scared.

  
“Nervous?” Leo asked me as he buckled his seat belt and pulled out of the parking lot.

  
“Yes,” I managed to answer feeling like there was a stone in my throat trying to choke me to keep me from speaking and breathing.

  
“You shouldn’t be, do you have any questions for me?” He asked me.

  
“Where is Angela?” I asked.

  
“Ah, Angela and I are separated now,” he answered, “Full story or do you not care to know?”

  
“You can tell me the whole story if you want to,” I answered thinking anything to keep him talking so I didn’t have to speak was best.

  
“Well, she went and used my work laptop which she’s not supposed to touch and never has before and she ran across some emails between me and other brotherhood members discussing things. And then she called my oldest son at college his name is Roy and Roy told her somethings that were upsetting. However, the only reason he is where he is because of me and those connections I helped him make the little shit. But anyway, so she took our younger son Rich and left me. I told Rich to keep his mouth shut so he can still get into college and he seems to be listening to me. Roy took it all back when he realized how close he was to losing his tuition money but she still won’t come back. We’re working on it but I honestly think she’s going to divorce me,” Leo said, “So Angela is gone for right now at least. In the past I took my contracts out of town on the weekends but now I have Condo not too far from the house because Angela kept the house so you get to go there with me instead. You’re the first one I’m taking there isn’t that cool?” He told me.

  
“I guess so,” I answered still feeling I had a stone in my throat.

  
“You have any more questions?” He asked.

  
“Why me?” I asked getting up the courage to actually look at him even though his eyes were on the road.

  
“Well, that’s a long story too if you want me to be honest. There are a lot of guys in the brotherhood that have types. Some it’s based on looks some it’s personality. I’m a personality type of person. The first time I saw you it was a video between you and just your Dad and the whimpers you made the protest but the way he didn’t have to use restraints to get you to obey it was…” He exhaled loudly, “Beautiful. and then your eyes, your skin, everything else about is just beyond perfect so I knew I had to meet you. So, I asked around and got your dad’s number and asked him about you and of course we met at Tony’s. You remember that, right? That was like me taking you for a test drive and you were prefect. The way you whimpered and cried and begged me to stop but you let me do what you were made for. Let me use you the way you’re meant to be used. I knew then I had to make you one of my boys.” He answered me.

  
“One of your boys?” I asked.

  
“Oh, I like contracting it makes things less messy. easier to deal with especially because sometimes I’m on call at different places. If I have a boy like Dylan for example, which you met. Dylan, he meets those needs for me, I treat him well take him places, vacations, fancy dinners, the movies, baseballs games, concerts where ever he wants to go really. it works better than messing around in a basement somewhere like it’s some dirty secret.

  
I hate doing that. I was talking to your dad about it after that first night at Tony’s but your dad didn’t want to share you. He wasn’t ready to make that type of commitment I guess. I wasn’t really expecting to see you again besides at the villa until your Dad really actually sat down and talked terms with me but then Angela totally forgot about that appointment you had so I jumped at the chance, and don’t tell your dad about that by the way. At first I wasn’t sure it was you but then I got there and it was obviously you and I couldn’t help myself. You’re so sweet beautiful so prefect. Right age, right personality, very physically attractive everything about you is beyond amazing. I decided I’d push to have you and your Dad and I have been talking about ever since.” Leo answered.

  
So, he had only wanted me because of video he saw that was made while I drunk and tired and half blacked out. He only wanted to be with me because I was everything he was looking for in someone to torture. to be his play thing. That really made me feel awesome. And what exactly was he talking about don’t tell my dad about my appointment? did my Da not know what Leo had done to me? How he had driven me around for hours raping me in parking lots making me beg him to stop to just let me go home. Did my Da not know about that at all?

  
“So, we’re like dating?” I asked confused, “And what do you mean don’t tell my Da does he not know about it?”

  
“Yes, I like to think of it as dating. I’ll buy you things and take you places as long as you submit to me. Usually I hold a contract for 6 months as a test out type of thing and then resign for a year or two at a time after that. I have what they call an age range of young men I’m attracted to and I’ve found with time that after a certain age they just not longer suit my needs. It depends on the guy really, I can find someone as young as eight attractive but usually it’s between 11 and 16. Dylan was 14 when we started dating and when our contract ended last time I chose not to renew and he understood why. I mean he’s 17 now so he’s a little bit past where I find them attractive. but you know it is what it is and we’re both thankful for the experience I’m sure. And your Dad knows about some of what happened during your appointment with Dr. Larkin yes but, not all of it. If you did tell nothing really bad would happen I just prefer to keep that between us ok?” He asked glancing at me for a brief moment.

  
I nodded my head. So, when he said he thought I was prefect he meant it. I was prefect for his needs, what he wanted. I still didn’t really understand it though why have a wife if you were into guys? That part I didn’t get at all.

  
“How do you know you’re only attracted to guys that young? Have you ever tried things with guys older than that?” I asked.

  
“Oh yeah, before I met Angela I spent a lot of time in college experimenting and feeling myself out. I knew I liked young guys like yourself but it’s kind of frowned upon by most people to engage in these types of behaviors because let’s face it their stuck up. I tried with guys my own age and it was fun sometimes but I found when I got into the roleplay type of stuff pretending I was forcing them some of them thought it was a weird kink and didn’t quite understand what it does for me and others wouldn’t be into at all so then it turned real which I did enjoy however I didn’t enjoy being hit or called names. Whereas guys like you. You know you’re too small to really fight back and make a difference and that fighting makes it worse. And I enjoy the whimpers and the crying and begging it really does something for me so this is how I satisfy that desire you understand?” He asked me.

  
“Not really,” I answered.

  
“Well more or less I tried it and didn’t like it so then decided to have a family but after Rich was like seven or eight I met a couple of guys who were like me and enjoyed being with adult women but found boys very very attractive in ways that they couldn’t help. I found the brotherhood and I got involved and I have to say that while you may not understand it and you may never understand it, it helps me and I get my needs met and the boys benefit so I don’t see any problems with it.” Leo said.  
“What are you going to do to me?” I asked.

  
He looked over at me and sighed as the light turned red, “Beautiful I’m not going to do anything to you your body doesn’t want. We’re going to have fun ok? I promise I’m not into hitting or biting like Hank I’m not rough which I’m sure you remember. I just like the pleading and the sweet sounds you make ok baby? Like in that one video with your Dad and in the car with me that one time, you remember that I’m sure.”

  
“I was drunk in that video you know?” I asked.

  
“Oh yes, I was made well aware of that by your Dad when I made my enquiry the first time. However, I find alcohol allows us to express things that we normally don’t allow ourselves to feel That gasps when your Da was going down on you, the way you moaned in ecstasy and you seemed to just melt told me you were sweet. That you just want to please him. That if I treat you well you’ll want to please me too,” He answered.

  
“What if I don’t want to do this?” I asked him as I felt his hand cup my knee gently.

  
“Well as long as you don’t hit or call me names we’ll be fine. If you decide to become combative I have ways of dealing with it. I hate restraining my partners. I think it makes things harder but I will if I have to. I’m sure I’m into things that you haven’t encountered before and that might seem scary but I’ll work you through it nice and slow when we get to that point ok?” Leo said.

  
I nodded my head feeling like I couldn’t breathe with his hand on my knee. I knew my eyes were wide and I was looking out the window but I felt like I wasn’t really seeing anything. I felt numb and cold knowing that I was going to his house just so he could make me have sex with him. I knew I had agreed to it so I didn’t have to have sex with Neal and Sam and Gavin but the fact they had made me that desperate to leave the hospital didn’t make me feel any better. It was like deciding whether I wanted to be shot in the foot or shot in the hand both were horrible and painful but at least if someone shot me in the arm I could walk. Problem was I couldn’t tell where my foot was in relation to my hand.

  
Just then he turned down a street into what looked like a fancy apartment complex each apartment having a garage as the entrance. As we went down the street he reached up into his visor and a garage opened which he turned smoothly into and hit the button again allowing the garage door to close.


	21. 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is finally out of the hospital but he's not home at. Instead he's at Leo's. He talks to Leo and gets to know what his life is looking like. He learns something about Leo that he wasn't expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 369 to 393, Warnings: Rape/Non-con, forced, anal, forced anal fingering, forced cuddling, mental health issues, anxiety, psychological manipulation, emotional abuse, sexual abuse. I know this chapter feels kind of slow but you can only read about someone being raped in detail so many times so I skipped on a lot of it because yeah just...the hospital was hard, this is hard but things start to get back to a better place soon. Kind of.

“We’re here,” he said.

  
I felt like I was entering the gates of hell as I opened the car door and walked up the stairs. He came up behind me and unlocked the door allowing me inside his condo for the first time. All of the furniture was black in the living room with a gray shay area rug. Nothing seemed out of place. Almost as if the condo wasn’t lived in at all. The only exception being a pile of mail on a table next to the door.

  
“Take off your shoes please and set them under the table beautiful,” he said bending down to take off his own shoes. I did as I was asked not exactly sure what else to do.

  
“Well this is it.” he said smiling, “Make yourself at home. Is there anything I can get you? A soda maybe? Do you want to shower in a real shower and not what feels like a horribly dirty locker room? I have two bathrooms. You could take a bath if you wanted even.”

  
“That sounds nice but I don’t have anything to wear that’s clean,” I answered.

  
“Oh no, you do.” Leo said, “I went out and brought you some PJ pants. That should be all you need when we’re not entertaining ourselves in the bedroom.”

  
“Oh,” I said.

  
“There’s fresh towels in both bathrooms. It’s just up to you which one you want to use. You’ll sleep in bed with me of course. Friday will usually be date night after school. If you need anything or want to do anything during the week you can always let me know and me and your dad will discuss it ok?” Leo said.

  
I nodded my head not sure how else to respond. I wanted to hiss at him. Tell him that I would never ask him for anything during the week when I was free. When his hands wouldn’t be on me and why on earth would I ever want anything from him? He was my rapist. He wasn’t my boyfriend, he wasn’t someone I wanted to spend any more time with then was necessary.

  
Even with that though a real shower did sound nice. A shower with real shampoo and soap and not one where I had to pump green goo out of the wall to clean myself with after being raped and then rushed out from under the water. I went down the hallway to the right and saw the bathroom door open. I stepped inside the room and shut the door behind me.

  
I took a nice long shower. Scrubbing myself repeatedly in order to try and get the imagined grime and dirt off of my skin. Trying to make myself as clean as possible in order to be able to stand being in my own body. When I got out I dried myself quickly and wrapped a towel around my waist not sure where he was keeping these PJ pants he spoke of and when I opened the bathroom door I noticed the room at the end of the hall had a light on.

  
“Come on beautiful,” he called from inside the room.

  
I sighed and followed the voice down the hall into a room that was painted powder blue on the walls. The room full of light wood furnishings. The bed seemed huge. A four poster with sheer curtains hanging around it. He was in bed already naked from what I could tell, his waist covered by the blankets with a book in his hand.

  
“I…” I stopped not sure what I was going to tell him as he looked up at me, “I have a question.”

  
“What’s your question? Come on get in bed, relax. I’ll turn on the TV if you want. I’m almost done with my chapter,” Leo said patting the bed beside him.

  
“What about homework? I mean, when I start school. Won’t that be a problem?” I asked.

  
“Oh, your Dad and I already picked your teachers for the coming school year and they are willing to work with you on that,” he said, “I’m sure your Dad will tell you more about it. Come on its ok.” He said.

  
When I didn’t move towards the bed he sighed and stood up coming towards me causing me to step backward feeling very exposed all of the sudden. I was Still wearing only a towel around my waist. This was it then. He was going to make me do things. That’s all I could think my whole being panicking, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. That I had even agreed to it.

  
“It’s ok to be nervous,” Leo said, “I know we’ve only been together a couple of times but I’ll go slow. I’ll let you get reacquainted. I’m not into pain remember?” He asked closing the distance between us his hands going around my shoulders hugging me making me freeze up.

  
“Please, I don’t want to,” I begged my breath coming faster.

  
“It’s ok beautiful. It’s all right. You can say whatever you want to, just no calling me names and not hitting me or trying to push me away too hard ok?” He said kissing my ear his kisses starting to trail down my neck as he undid my towel allowing it to fall to the ground.

  
“I don’t like this,” I said his hands starting to rub up and down my sides.

  
“I know. I know, it’s ok though. I’ll be gentle, I promise,” he said as his hands found my butt rubbing it and I whimpered openly.

  
“Leo, please don’t,” I begged as he turned us around so my back was to the bed and he lifted me up lightly carrying me over to the bed and setting me down on top of it softly before he straddled me.

  
“It’s ok beautiful. I promise,” he repeated, “God, you’re so lovely.”

  
I knew I was crying. I knew I didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to feel him against my skin anymore. I felt like I couldn’t do it. Like I was going to die inside if I did, if I allowed him to use me. But at the same time, I felt like I had no choice. Like I was out of options and had to submit.

  
I shook my head as he kissed down my neck and into my chest laying kisses there. Him biting lightly at the flesh as he teased my nipples with his fingers making me gasp. He was still on top of me his weight leaning forward, my arms by my sides as I tried my best not to push him away. As I tried not to punch him or scratch at his hands as they traveled over my skin. It was difficult to obey, to fight the urge to push him away. I wanted to so badly and knew that if I did it wouldn’t end well. That he was giving me a chance to have some control and not be restrained and that I should try to take it.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head as he started licking my nipples and chest his weigh shifting lightly as he started to move lower, “Please stop.” I said as he moved his hands gently forcing my legs apart as his weight shifted off of me and instead rested beside me. I closed my eyes as I tried so carefully to not moan or whimper or show any other signs that maybe it felt good, that it tickled and was lighting my skin on fire with that cold ice that their hands always managed to spread through my body.  
“I know. I know baby. I’ll warm you up don’t worry,” he said sliding his tongue to my belly button and grabbing something besides us. A bottle of lube that read swiss navy on it. I felt his finger push inside me slowly and start teasing.

  
“Ouch,” I hissed lightly as his finger started moving in and out doing the dance they always did before bigger things made their way inside of me. His fingers pressing in so they could stretch me out.

  
“I know that doesn’t hurt baby,” he muttered kissing and nipping at my belly button. He moved his hips shifting again causing the pressure inside of me to change somehow. This caused me to breathe faster, my chest starting to heave.

  
“Stop,” I begged him.

  
“I know baby, I know,” he responded quietly, “You’re doing so good though,” he said his finger moving faster in and out of me fucking my asshole with his fingers.

  
“Stop,” I begged again as he moved his weight. He shifted himself upward as he coated himself with lubricate making me feel like I couldn’t breathe at all.

  
“Here, nice and slow ok baby?” He muttered to me lining himself up as he started pushing in.

  
“NO!” I begged shaking my head my hands going to his chest to push him off. He grabbed me quickly by the wrist forcing my hands back down to my side, “NO PLEASE. PLEASE!”

  
“It’s ok beautiful. You’re all right. I’ll go slow. It’ll feel really good I promise,” he said pushing in a little bit at a time. The changes in pressure in my pelvis making me uncomfortable as he slowly worked his way up into my anal cavity. I whimpered and begged him to stop as he finished pushing in, “See? You’re all right. Just give it a second and it’ll feel really nice. I’ll make sure I hit your g-spot ok baby?” He said grabbing my one hip tightly forcing my legs to wrap around his waist as he kept my wrists pinned but moved them so they were above my head holding them both against the bed in one hand the bones rubbing together, hurting.

  
He waited a couple minutes kissing into my collar bone and neck as he allowed my body to adjust to his intrusion. The first time he didn’t pull out all the way, pushing back in slow causing my breath to hitch in my throat. Causing my mouth and eyes to go wide as he stared at me.

  
“That’s it huh?” He asked me loudly doing it again, this time thrusting back in deeper. He brushed against that spot. A moan escaping me before I could stop myself, my face going red as I realized the sound I had made.

  
“It’s ok baby. I want to hear all your sounds, ok?” He said doing it again as he leaned forward kissing my chin and jaw bone as I struggled a little bit.

  
“No, no don’t fight back. Don’t do that baby. I told you not to do that, ok? I don’t want to hurt you. You can plead and beg and cry but don’t try and fight me ok beautiful?” He reminded me as he pulled out and then pushed back in this time hard and fast, “Oh fuck yeah.” He moaned pressing his pelvis as hard into me as he could.

  
“Please don’t,” I begged as he kept going.

  
At home, I wasn’t really allowed to beg or say anything while my Da or uncle raped me. At home though it was ok sometimes to push back to fight them off. It was worse this way. Knowing I could tell him to stop and that he didn’t care.  
That he would keep going until he got what he wanted from me, got every bit of satisfaction out of it that he could. That to be had to be worse than pushing back, fighting to get them off of me but not being allowed to say no. Knowing that he knew how I felt about it, how much I hated it and didn’t want his hands on my skin, him inside of me doing that, using me like that and how he didn’t care. How he wanted me to beg him to stop and it didn’t matter to him that I wasn’t ok with it.

  
How it excited him even. That hurt more emotionally than anything else and that’s another reason I hated him so much. Because every time since that very first time that’s what it was like. Since the first time I was with him watching myself in that mirror, crying and begging him to stop and he wouldn’t. How my Da had even been able to ignore my pleas being in the same room.

  
As he got closer my ability to form words started to leave me everything coming out of my mouth a wordless moan or gasps sometimes sounding like a protest sometimes sounding more like consent as it did different things to my body. Things that I couldn’t fight. Feelings that I couldn’t keep myself from feeling.

  
“Oh god I’m so close baby what about you?” He asked me after a while as I tried to avoid looking at him another tingle shooting up my spine and through my body as he thrusted back in his thrusts picking up pace again.  
“Ahhh,” Was all I managed in reply.

  
My body obviously very close to the edge as he looked at me smiling. It made me feel sick to my stomach. He pushed his sick rhythm consistent until he felt my body shudder and tighten around him in orgasm and he came inside of me screaming my name in praise. He told me how I was beautiful, how prefect I was. After he was done he rolled off of me both of us still gasping. He pulled my hips backwards so he was spooning up against me his pelvis pressed against my back as close as he could get it. Me too tired and too upset to try and push him away, to try and fight him off.

  
“You did great John, I knew this was a good idea. You’re fucking fantastic perfect,” he muttered into my shoulder blade my whole body shaking as I tried desperate to curl myself into a ball small enough he couldn’t hold me.

  
He pulled the blankets up over us, “We’ll rest for a little bit and then I’ll go grab a takeout menu for a late dinner ok?” He said planting a small kiss between my shoulder blades as I hugged my knees to my chest.

  
“I said I’ll grab the take-out menu for dinner ok?” He repeated signaling that he wanted me to speak, to say something.

  
“Yes, ok,” I answered after swallowing the lump in my throat.

  
“Good you’re amazing at this John. I think you were made for this, just for me,” he said rubbing my shoulder until I shifted my neck slightly trying to shrug him off of me, he sighed heavily.

  
“We’ll have to work on cuddling I guess. Does your Dad not cuddle when you’re finished?” He asked me causing me to freeze instantly. The last thing I wanted to talk or think about was being in bed with my Da when I was in bed with Leo. think about being raped by my own father after I had just been raped by one of his friends whom he had given permission to, made a deal with allowing him to do the same thing.

  
“No, he does,” I barely managed to mutter.

  
“Good,” he said putting his one arm around me sliding it under my body and grabbing my hip that was laying into the mattress, “He should. Because not only does it show how good you did but it’s important for you to realize how much you mean to him. Just close your eyes and try to rest for a while ok? I know that was a work out. At least it was for me, was it for you?”

  
I sighed and nodded my head. I wasn’t going to lie to him. I wasn’t going to say my body wasn’t exhausted because it was. He obviously could tell he had made me hit orgasm because he was inside me when it happened. He had felt my muscles, my whole-body contract as the sensation ripped through me. So, to lie about the act making me tired didn’t seem like a good idea. That and who knew? He might just make me do it again until I couldn’t see straight.

  
Honestly, I was just grateful he hadn’t sucked my dick and rimmed me on top of it. He very well could have if he had wanted to. I mean he knew I was still sore from Neal and I knew I was still sore as well but my physical comfort had never stopped anyone from doing those things before when they really wanted to. So why should it have matted at that moment? The answer was it didn’t. That he was doing me a favor and we both knew it.

  
I sighed a closed my eyes trying to relax trying to allow myself to completely fall asleep. I did after a while and when I woke up he wasn’t there. His spot on the bed empty, him no longer against my skin pressing flesh against me. I sat up and stretched as I heard him enter the bedroom him wearing a red plaid patterned robe and carrying a pile of take out menus as he sat down on the bed back in his spot.

  
“Hi beautiful glad to see you’re awake,” he said grabbing my face menu’s still in hand and kissing me on the cheek causing me to frown, “Here are menu’s. Read them and find something that sounds good ok?” He said sitting down on the bed next to me.

  
“What if I’m not really hungry,” I asked.

  
“Find something any way. I’ll order it and you can eat it later when you are hungry ok?” He said smiling at me as he grabbed the remote for the TV and turned it on surfing through the channels as I looked at the titles of the different menus.

  
“Burger and fries from Pete’s diner?” I asked after reading a couple of the menu’s one of which was from Long Dong Chinese restaurant owned by Tony the child porn producer.

  
“All right, anything else?” He asked me as he picked up the menu and taking a look at it.

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“Why do you speak so little?” He asked me suddenly looking at me intently.

  
“Does it matter what I have to say?” I asked him.

  
“No, but I’d like to know what you are thinking regardless,” he answered me as I sighed heavily running a hand through my hair which caused a look to flash in his eyes.

  
That look that said he wanted me squirming underneath him. I felt sick to my stomach. Not wanting to be in the same room with him anymore let alone sitting in the same bed. It was hard for me. To sit there and play nice with him, have conversations with him when there wasn’t that much I could say. He might have said he wanted to know what I was thinking but he didn’t. I knew he didn’t.

  
“Ok,” I answered quietly.

  
“You’re so meek baby,” he said putting a hand on my shoulder causing me to tense up, “Relax we just went a couple hours ago I need time to recharge.” He said smiling at his own joke.

  
“So, it is going to be like this every day?” I asked curious.

  
“No, just today. You mean the sex?” He asked and I nodded my head, “Well sometimes it will be more or less it depends on my mood. We’ve discussed the videos and stuff so you know about that. I like to do different things and as you know I don’t want you fighting back because I don’t like restraints I don’t think they are fun nor do they make life easy. I’m sure you can understand that. However, I am into different things that I’m not sure you’ve experienced yet that we will probably get into at some point. But for right now, I kind of just want to get a feel for you. You know, get acquainted with you and your body. What feels good to you, what doesn’t that sort of thing.” He said holding the covers open so he could slide his hand underneath them and up my leg making me jump.

  
“Could you not do that?” I asked him pulling away lightly.

  
“You’re not supposed to fight,” He replied.

  
“I’m sorry I just, I don’t like being touched,” I answered.

  
“I can understand and respect that. But when you’re in my bed or you’re with me I’m going to touch you if I want to all right? It’s something you just have to get yourself used to because I won’t put up with you pulling away every time I go to kiss you or hug you. If Rich comes over, which he hasn’t been over in about 2 months but he does go to school with you, just make sure you have pants on and I won’t be touching you anywhere but in here.” Leo said respecting my request and pulling his hand away.

  
“And when he’s not here?” I asked.

  
“When he’s not here it will depend on different things but while you’re eating stuff like that I will be respectful ok?” He answered me.

  
“And you still want me to tell you how I feel and be…verbal?” I asked thinking of how he kept saying I was allowed to beg and plead and cry say anything I wanted as long as I didn’t call him names and insult him.

  
“Yes, I like verbal both in and out of the bedroom. I don’t want to feel like I’m spending time with a brick wall I’m sure you can understand that,” he said looking at me as he stood up off the bed, “I’m going to go call in our order and then I’ll be back. We’ll find something to watch on TV ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

  
I sat there flipping through the channels and ended up settling on Entertainment Tonight as I waited for Leo to come back still not sure what else there was to do and not really wanting to move because he had yet to tell me where I could find the few clothes I did have in the place if they existed at all. I didn’t like being naked especially in front of people especially adult men considering the track record I had with them confusing me for a sex toy so I chose to stay in bed where I could cover the majority of my skin with a blanket.

  
He came back in after a few minutes and climbed back into the bed next to me his eyes looking at me carefully as I watched TV making me feel nervous knowing he wanted to touch me. That he wanted to put his hands against my skin to do things to me that I was terrified of. He started scooting close to me making me want to pull away but I knew I wasn’t allowed to. I waited my whole-body tensing, anticipating his next move.

  
At first he just wrapped his arms around my shoulder and then proceeded to kiss my ear as his hand slid up my thigh. I whimpered, “God no please, please no, please don’t I don’t want to please Leo please.”

  
“Your ok baby we’re just going to fool around. Just touching, ok? Nothing else, just touching,” He whispered into my ear.

  
“No, I don’t want to,” I repeated as his hand went somewhere it didn’t belong and he started jacking me off.

  
“It’s just cuddling, just touching. I promise we’re just waiting for the food if it wasn’t for that we’d be doing a little more but I don’t think I’d hear the buzzer go off if that was the case,” he repeated.

  
“Please stop,” I begged again my whole body shaking. I was almost crying because like I said sometimes it hurt worse when there was no pain. When they went slow and praised you. Told you that you were good. That you made them happy.

  
“Why are you so resistant to this?” He asked stopping looking at me closely, “You know I’m not going to hurt you so why does it upset you so much?”

  
“I don’t like it,” I answered my eyes going wide as he kept going, his hand kept rubbing making me hard.

  
“Why not though? It’s obvious it feels good otherwise your body wouldn’t react the way it does,” he muttered biting my shoulder lightly.

  
“I don’t want to,” I begged again, “Please, please Leo not right now.”

  
“I’m not going to hurt you beautiful. If you weren’t bruised I’d make you feel so good. I’d taste you inside and out see how many times I can make you cum.” He said.

  
“It hurts,” I said as the heat and pressure started building in my body making it hard to speak.

  
“No, it doesn’t. Don’t lie, I don’t like lying ok baby?” He said as he kept going pulling me closer and closer to orgasm. Causing me to mewl.

  
“That’s it baby, cum for me. Cum nice and hard for me,” he said moving his hand faster up and down my shaft as my body finally released. I came all over his hand as he milked the last bit of semen he could out of me before he stopped. Wiping his hand on a towel hanging from the headboard and handing it to me to clean myself off.

  
I felt breathless not able to stop myself from crying. I hated that my body responded to him like that. That he was able to make me orgasm even though I was screaming no, telling him to stop and that I didn’t want it. That I didn’t like any of it and just wanted to be left alone but I was stuck here doing this whenever he wanted to. That he was forcing me to do whatever he wanted to.

  
After a few minutes, I was able to calm down as he watched me. To breathe again. My shaking slowing to a slight tremble. I knew he was still looking at me. Still watching me watching to see if I was calming down. I knew that he wanted me to relax. I stared at the TV trying to ignore his eyes on me.

  
“How old were you?” He asked me suddenly causing my head to snap in his direction.

  
“What?” I asked confused, feeling my cheeks flush knowing what he was talking about even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

  
“The first time someone touched you sexually,” he finished.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Come on you have to have an idea,” he said coaxing me to talk more, to discuss things with him.

  
“huh, one of my first memories was my uncle babysitting me he made me…do things,” I answered.

  
“What type of things?” He asked shifting his weight to look at me adjusting himself like the thought excited him, made him aroused.

  
“He made me sit between his knees and he used my mouth to…he made me blow him. I mean I had small mouth so I’m not sure how well that actually worked for him. I don’t remember him actually getting off or anything but I know it made my jaw and mouth sore and it didn’t taste very good after all the sugar was gone just kind of like this bitter salty taste,” I answered.

  
“Sugar?” He enquired.

  
“He put sugar on his penis so I would lick it,” I answered.

  
“How old were you the first time someone touched you though? Like I mean your penis or balls, made you feel good,” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“I think you do, was it Daddy?” He asked me making my stomach sink. He must have seen something in my face because his smile grew “It was. Wasn’t it?”

  
“Do I have to talk about this?” I asked.

  
“I’d really like if you did. I’m just trying to get to know you,” Leo said, “Can you tell me about what you do remember?”

  
“For as long as I can remember he used to climb into bed with me. When I was little it was just touching. Him rubbing me and touching me down there until he got up and went to the bathroom. At the time, I didn’t know what he was doing when he did that but he was getting up to masturbate. I realize that now,” I answered.

  
“How did it feel?” he asked me rubbing himself through his pants.

  
“Uhhh, confusing,” I answered, “I remember thinking that it didn’t feel right. That it tickled but differently from tickle monster, stronger and that felt scary to me. That my body hated me because it tickled but hurt all at the same time.”

  
“How old were you when he went farther?” He asked me meaning the first time he had sex with me. The first time he had done something besides touch me.

  
“I already told you about that,” I answered remembering the conversation we had on the way to the Doctors before mum had managed to get us away hoping we would never return.

  
“Tell me again,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“I was eight. He gave me ice cream and then he raped me,” I answered simply.

  
“No baby I want to hear details. Tell me what it was like. Make me feel like I was there,” he answered me.

  
“It was my birthday I was eight. He took me downstairs and he told me I was a man and he was giving me this look like he did at night. He made ice cream sundaes for us and asked me if I knew anything about sex and so I told him what I knew that men and women when they got older they fix together like a puzzle. He then said he was going to show me how two people with the same parts could fit together and I remember feeling scared. Feeling like something was wrong and then he shoved his tongue in my mouth and then he threw me down on the kitchen table and he raped me.” I answered.

  
“How did you feel?” He asked me.

  
“I thought he was killing me. It hurt. He kept telling me to calm down that it would hurt less if I stopped fighting that he wanted me to enjoy it too, that I felt good and he loved me. He left me bleeding on the kitchen table. He then carried me to bed and told me he was sorry that next time it would hurt less.” I told him.

 

  
“Maybe that’s why you get so resistant? Because he made it scary?” He asked me.  
“Or maybe because I really don’t want it,” I answered, “I really don’t like the way it makes me feel especially as I’ve gotten older. I don’t want people to touch me like that. Not my Da, not my uncle, not you. No one.”

  
“No, I think he traumatized you. I think if he would have gone about it differently that first time you wouldn’t be so opposed to it. That you might actually allow yourself to enjoy it. Because it’s obvious that your body does want it. That some part of you wants it but your brain won’t allow you to enjoy it because he mixed pleasure with pain. He took something that should have waited until your body was ready, until you were older and willing to accept it and he forced it on you too soon so now you’re terrified of it, afraid to let yourself enjoy it,” he analyzed me.

  
“Or maybe I just don’t want it,” I answered.

  
“We can try to fix this you know? Make it so your mind doesn’t jump back to that pain, doesn’t immediately tell you it’s bad. That way maybe you can enjoy it. Allow your brain to accept that it feels good, stop fighting yourself,” he said and then the buzzer went off, “Well there’s the food. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

  
I sighed. I didn’t know what exactly he thought he was planning but I wasn’t going to let him brainwash me. I barely had control of my own life. I wasn’t going to let him take what little control I had away. I didn’t want to ever admit that it felt good even though he seemed to know it did nor did I ever want to admit that my brain was the only thing keeping me from accepting it.

  
He came back after a couple of minutes his arms full of white take out cartons setting them on the bed in front of me. I sighed still not really hungry. Having talked about my history taking away any appetite I might have had. I sighed staring at the cartons he set in front of me.

  
“Not hungry?” He asked me opening up his own cartoon which had what looked like chicken fried steak.

  
“Yeah,” I answered simply.

  
“Well that’s ok, just leave it there and I’ll put it in the fridge. You can eat it later all right?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, that sounds fine. Are you watching this?” I asked gesturing to the TV.

  
“Not really,” he answered, “I’m too distracted with you but I made a promise to be respectful when food was involved and I’m eating and I’m hoping you’ll eat shortly so…” he said taking a bite of his food.

  
“Oh,” I said swallowing.

  
“Don’t be upset,” he said swallowing his food, “I meant it when I said I would be respectful. I don’t like hurting people ok?”

  
“No, you just like hearing them begging you to stop,” I answered.

  
“Just think of it as roleplay kind of,” he said taking another bite of his food.

  
“I huh, can I have some clothes?” I asked.

  
“Oh, shit I forgot. Sorry baby, you should have asked sooner,” he said smiling wiping his mouth off with a napkin and getting up. He opened the bottom drawer of the dresser, “This is your drawer. There are some shirts and jeans in here and what not but most of the time if we’re in the house just sweat pants or PJ pants are allowed ok? If you wear anything else I will take them away and I’ve heard that’s something that you’re somewhat used to.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “My Da when…” I swallowed closing my eyes.

  
“It’s ok. Don’t think about it if it’s going to upset you, all right?” He said pulling a pair of pants out of the drawer and making sure no tags were on it before it handed it to me.

  
I moved my legs to the side of the bed using the sheet to cover me until the very last second. I didn’t want him to see me naked especially if I was “distracting” him just sitting next to him. I didn’t want to be naked anymore though. I didn’t want to give him easy access. Not that a thin pair of sweat pants would really limit his access it would just take him longer to get what he wanted.

  
I stood up and pulled them up the rest of the way and then sighed and sat back down on the bed opening one of the cartons in front of me. It was my fries and they were wet and soggy but still warm. I grabbed one and slowly ate it. It didn’t taste bad like it was a perfectly seasoned soggy fry but other than being too soggy for my liking it wasn’t terrible.

  
“Good?” He asked me watching me eat my fries.

  
“Not too bad actually. If they were crunchy they would be better,” I answered honestly.

  
“Well, we can go to the movies tomorrow morning eat at Pete’s Coney if you like,” he told me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered thinking of the last time I went anywhere with anyone like that. It was with my Da and it had been to introduce me to Leo to let him rape me.

  
“It’s ok. It’ll be fun. Whatever you want to see and wherever you want to eat. We’ll pretend you’re my son once we’re out of the car I swear.” He promised.

  
“Ok,” I answered, “I’ll think about it.”

  
“Well how often do you really get to do fun stuff like that? Going to the movies and what not?” Leo asked me.

  
“Not often,” I answered, “Last time I went to the movies was with a group of friends and I took some of my brothers too. I ended up going to the faculty while my younger siblings saw something else.”

  
“Oh, a man of rebellion huh? How did you manage a rated R movie you don’t look anywhere near 17,” Leo said.

  
“A friend. He got a fake ID. As long as someone was over 21 we were allowed in,” I answered.

  
“I see,” Leo answered, “Clever kids. So, you hang out with the bad boys?”

  
“I wouldn’t say we’re bad. I don’t know. I mean you’ve met some of them,” I said.

  
“Yes, Hanks boy, right?” He said and I nodded my head, “He’s very protective of you if I remember correctly.”

  
“Huh, yeah he’s a good friend,” I answered.

  
“So, you guys smoke and drink dive? Into any drugs a little bit?” He asked me, half joking because Cole, Pat, Dom and I were not old enough to drive yet.

  
“Huh, I was the drownder of our group. I saw Dom get drunk once at the Villa but Pat was never really into that sort of thing. Cole was into other stuff though a little bit Hunter and Kristoff I remember them being into some stuff,” I answered.

  
“You know Kris?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, a little bit,” I answered.

  
“Kris was one of my boys for a while, for about a year he was 12 or 13. Like you are now, he was sweet at least at first but something happened and he just he turned on me,” Leo commented, “You won’t turn on me will you baby?”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“He hardened up, which you already have obviously and he started to get physical push me away a lot, punch. He punched me on too many times and I decided I was done with that. Cost me some good money but then I met Dylan so I guess it was worth it in the end,” Leo answered.

  
“Oh,” I answered.

  
“It’s something you don’t like talking about do you?” He asked me.

  
“Well,” I started to answer thinking about it, “It’s all my life is so it’s all I talk about but I want something different. I don’t want this to be all that I am.”

  
“This isn’t all you are baby, you might feel that way but you’re a young man. You’re sports and video games, and girlfriends and fart jokes and your siblings. You’re arcade games and the latest movies, the grooviest music and the latest sneakers, your skate boarding and hockey playing and basketball you are whatever you want to be. You just get to learn things from us, other things that will help you get farther in life. Like how to please whatever partner you’re with sexually. How to use that beautiful body of yours to get what you need in life, what you want. Just don’t think that’s all you are,” Leo said his eyes roving up and down my frame making me cross my arms in front of my naked chest.

  
“You’re teaching me?” I asked confused.

  
“How to use your body to get what you need in life,” He answered, “There are people, People in high places higher than Mr. Lorde. Who enjoy certain activities with young men, not all underage but some. If you’re willing to help them meet those needs and engage in those activities then you can get really far in life. You can get into the best schools, the best jobs, hell if you want to get into politics some of them well sponsor your campaigns and endorse you and they are powerful people. You might not realize it but President Bush helped some people get into office in government and he in turn helped them out that’s the way it goes,” Leo said.

  
“What if I don’t want to know how to do that?” I asked.

  
“Well, think of it like math. You might not want to know how to do math but it’s a useful skill. Even now we’re teaching you things you might not realize. We’re teaching you how to read people, to get an idea of what their motives might be why they are interested in your wellbeing. What exactly they want from you, why they care about you,” Leo answered, “Just think of it as a life skill that you might have to use one day.”

  
“And this is what you are doing? Teaching boys to use their bodies to their own advantage?” I asked.

  
“And girls, we have a sister or brother organization and together we’re known but another name or acronym stands for Fathers for fathers for child love. Some of us are into different stuff eugenics, or ideal genes. Like if you stay in the group you’ll marry a girl that is chosen for you and produce children with ideal genes and you’ll raise those children within our society to hopefully be accepting of ideal expressions of love which means teaching them the same thing your Dad and the rest of us are teaching you,” Leo answered.

  
I felt sick. I didn’t want to learn this and I didn’t want to use my body, didn’t want to gain advantage by using my sexuality. I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t want to be the type of person who would do that. Who would have kids to do those things to. To treat the same way I had been treated.

  
This was only the first time I had ever heard this, but it wouldn’t be the last. That marriages needed to be arranged. These marriages were arranged because the boys who decided to stay within the brotherhood often showed a preferred attraction to well, younger people like young boys and girls who didn’t reproduce. So, marriages were arranged in order to keep more members and fill in the next generation and this is in fact how Cole had actually ended up being born. If not for that eventually the brotherhood would have died out or at least that was probably a fear they had. I vowed then I would never have children.

  
“You ok? You’ve gone quiet again,” Leo said after noticing I had been sitting there frozen for a couple of minutes.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m ok. I’m just not hungry anymore.”

  
“Ok, you want me to put the rest in the fridge?” He asked me.

  
“I can do it, I’m kind of thirsty,” I said standing up and grabbing the cartons of my food from the bed.

  
He stood up and grabbed his own walking in front of me to the kitchen. His kitchen was completely white. That was the first thing I noticed about it, white marble, white cabinets white appliances everything was white. I remember thinking how weird it was. Never having been in a kitchen that clean and that white. I mean I grew up fairly wealthy and had been in plenty of kitchens but none that white before, that spotless. Almost like he never ate in his condo.

  
“Water? Soda?” He asked me grabbing my cartons from my hands and opening the fridge looking over at me.

  
“Water,” I answered and he grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and handing it to me.

  
“You seem nervous, you ok?” He asked me.

  
I was nervous. I was making nice with one of my rapist. I was just waiting for him to force himself on me again standing there half naked no underwear, no shirt just a pair of sweat pants. I felt naked and I was scared because I knew it was only a matter a time before he made me do something else. He had already raped me, he had touched me, molested me and I was there for his pleasure. For him to have sex with. So of course, I was jumpy and scared and acting nervous.  
“Huh, yeah just…” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You’re ok,” Leo said coming towards me making me freeze up his arms going around my shoulders.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head as he shoved his tongue in my mouth forcing me to kiss him his hands sliding down the back of my pants grabbing my ass. I wanted to push him away. I wanted to get away and knew I wasn’t supposed to push him away balling my hands into fist as he kissed me up against the kitchen island.

  
He broke the kiss moving down to my neck pulling my pants down, “No, no no no, no,” I begged.

  
“It’s ok baby, we’ll go to the bedroom ok? Make you feel good, all right?” He coaxed me.

  
“Please?” I begged, “Not anymore tonight please?”

  
“But don’t you want to feel good? Why are you so resistant?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said as he grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the bedroom and I did my best to keep from pulling away from fighting against him a little bit of me dying inside with each step back towards that room.

  
“Is it a control thing? You want to try something different?” He asked me.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“No, no it’s nothing painful. It’s just a different position that I really enjoy. You’ll sit on me in my lap facing me and I’ll be well,” he said smiling coyly, “And you just bounce up and down and grind on me. It feels really nice you might like it.”  
I shook my head vigorously, “No, I won’t do that.”

  
“Ok,” he answered nodding his head as he sat on the bed pulling me with him by the arm gently, “That’s ok another time then all right?”

  
“Please don’t ma…” I barely managed to get out as he shoved his tongue back into my mouth making me climb on top of him before rolling over pinning me underneath him. Scaring me. I wanted him to stop or at least turn me so I was laying on my stomach so I didn’t have to look into his face again as he raped me. Not wanting to see him.

  
Not seeing their faces made it easier to go somewhere else in my head. Having my face buried into the pillows while I cried while they used me to get what they wanted. It was always easier if I didn’t have to see their eyes. See how much they enjoyed it but with Leo I was never that lucky and with my da that hardly ever happened as well. Whereas with others it didn’t matter they would take me however they could get me.

  
He grabbed something in his hand and this he moved his body weight freeing my legs and he shoved a finger inside me making me gasp as he kept another hand on the back of my neck kissing me forcing me to kiss back as he started moving his finger before he shoved another one making my insides jump making me gasp.

  
“That’s it baby,” he moaned, “God I’m so hard. Are you ready for me?”

  
I shook my head. I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to keep going because it felt like a total and complete lack of control of anything. Ever. Like I had no right to control anything, my body, my mind, my life, anything. I wanted him to leave me alone but found me reminding myself silently that I wasn’t supposed to really push him away. That I had to let him do it.

  
“God, I wish your dick wasn’t bruised the orgasms I’d make you have. I’d see how many times I could make you cum in four hours, I’d keep you going until you were literally drooling with a constant orgasm baby, you’d love it,” he said pushing his way inside of me fast and harsh hurting just slightly because he had barely prepared me.

  
“OUCH!” I screamed trying hard not to push him away in response to the pain.

  
“Too fast?” He asked me, “I’m sorry beautiful just give it a minute ok?” He asked me massaging my thighs and hips and sides careful to not push his weight forward pushing himself farther inside.

  
“Stop,” I begged him. As my body adjusted to him again before he started thrusting hitting that spot.

  
I remember all of it. How I begged him over and over to stop how he kept egging me on telling me how good I felt, how I was amazing, how if I wasn’t bruised he would make me cum over and over in some many ways. Muttering praises into my neck as he raped me until I climaxed my body seizing around his bringing him to completion too.

  
When he was done I was a ball of nerves curling up onto myself trying to disappear. His hand landing on my back making me jump and shriek out.

  
“You were great. You were such a good boy,” he muttered patting my hip gently.

  
“Please don’t touch me!” I managed to hiss.

  
“Ok,” he sighed standing up, “All right, you want a shower? I’ll start the water for you.”

  
“I can do it myself,” I managed to stutter through my tears.

  
I felt like he was ignoring my pain. The fact that he had hurt me. The fact that he had violated me. Like it was no big deal and I didn’t matter.

  
Like my feelings didn’t matter. I felt like I was nothing again after finding some type of peace some type of acceptance for even a short about of time. After all of that again felt like I was nothing. When my legs no longer felt like jelly I stood up and went and showered sitting in the bottom of the tub my knees pulled to my chest. After a few minutes, he came in to check on me.

  
“you ok in there?” He asked me pulling back the curtain to peek in at me.

  
“Yeah,” I whispered nodding my head.

  
“I know I hurt. I’m sorry. I got too excited it was never my intention to hurt you,” he said, “Do you forgive me?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered again.

  
“Why are you down there sitting on the bottom of the tub?” He asked crouching down to my level.

  
“Because mmm-y lllegs still feel like jel-jel-jelly,” I managed to answer.

  
“And you can’t speak?” He asked me, “I was that good?”

  
I just nodded my head. Not wanting to admit it out loud. That it had felt good for the most part. That I had managed to orgasm hard so hard my vision flashed in my eyes and I saw stars. I didn’t want him to know he was able to do that to me, that I didn’t have control of my body.

  
“Good to hear,” he said smiling kissing grabbing my hand and starting to kiss up my arm making me jerk my arm away lightly.

  
“Don’t pull away,” he reminded me still kissing up my arm.

  
“I didn’t mean to,” I answered.

  
“I know baby. I was just reminding you,” He said giving my arm back to me patting my shoulder gently. You’re so beautiful,” He looked at me closely cupping my cheek with his hand making me shiver, “No, no more tonight I promise. Yeah, I’m going to give him that loan,” He muttered to himself.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“There’s going to be a beginning of the school year party at the Villa. I don’t like people messing with my boys so I have a friend I’m going to loan him money to sponsor you. I can’t because I’m your contract holder and your dad can’t because he’s your handler and of course I’m not going let some monster like your uncle or Hank lay a hand on you so my friend will take care of it,” he answered me.

  
“He’s not into anything weird, is he?” I asked scared of meeting a new guy that was into the brotherhood scared of what they would make me do.

  
“He likes group activities but he’s not into restraints or anything like that so it won’t be too bad.”

  
“NO!” I screamed covering my ears, “No please don’t make me do that anything but that! Please, please I’m begging you I’ll do anything but that. I can’t do that, it hurts too much! Please not that!”

  
“Oh, beautiful calm down, it’s ok just breathe, just breathe beautiful,” he said leaning close to me making we want to pull away, “Why are so scared of that?”

  
“It…I can’t please don’t make me,” I begged again.

  
“Ok, all right I’ll talk to him, I promise, just tell me tell me why. Please beautiful I need to know why,” he coaxed.

  
“The first time, I don’t even know their names. My Da took me to Tony’s and he just let them, I was supposed to make it look I wanted it and I couldn’t. I hate it. I don’t want to do it.”

  
“The first time?” He asked confused.

  
“The first time he ever let anyone touch me like that, it hurt they broke my arm and it hurt so bad,” I answered hugging my arms tighter to myself feeling exposed.

  
I remember not even realizing how bad that had been hurting. Holding onto that. That memory of how badly they had hurt. How they had tied me down and forced me to do those things in front of that camera. How I had only been 12. How they had forced me to be on top how they had made it hurt so badly. How my Da had betrayed me allowing Tony to take me there allowing those guys to use me.

  
He watched me closely a look of understanding crossing his face, “Ok, I won’t make you do that I promise.” He said hugging me.

  
I think he meant to comfort me but he honestly just made me feel that much more uncomfortable in my own skin. He had probably seen the video. I knew it was a video I wasn’t stupid. I don’t think anyone realized that it was my first time, my first gang bang or how traumatizing it really had been for me. Being a little kid only 12 and having someone do that to you makes you doubt everything about life, about the world about what you thought you knew. And it was in front of a camera and really my introduction into the life I was living, my introduction to the brotherhood.

  
After a couple minutes he pulled away, “You want to wash yourself off now? And then we’ll get ready for bed?”

  
“Yeah,” I said swallowing looking up at him as he pulled away and stood up leaving me there.

  
I sat there in the water just a little bit longer as it started getting cold. I felt relieved to be alone. Not have him touching me. And for some reason I felt this weird numb but it wasn’t numb like I had felt before almost like I had let a piece of something go. Almost like because I had actually voiced something it no longer held power over me.

  
We climbed into bed. He didn’t touch me but allowed me to curl up on my side by myself. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep. Probably because of the exhaustion of my confession I caused even though I was nervous about being there with Leo, scared that he would wake me up by doing things to me that I didn’t want.

  
When I woke up his hand was on my hip but he was sleeping. I pulled away and he allowed me to move freely and get up and use the bathroom. That was something my Da would have never allowed and it made me feel weird. Knowing that I had some autonym even though I was Leo’s captive, his toy. When I was done in the bathroom and I came back into the bedroom he was awake sitting up in bed.

  
“So, did you think about that movie?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok with going,” I answered as I climbed back into bed next to him.

  
“Really?” He asked me hugging me from behind making me cringe, “That makes me very happy.” He said grinding against me.

  
“Please,” I begged.

  
“Relax,” he said kissing my neck his pelvis flesh against my back, “Just a little,” he breathed rubbing his penis between my butt cheeks but not entering not pushing his way into my body. He rubbed my back and shoulders until he climaxed all over the base of my spine.

  
It felt weird and was something that hadn’t been done to me since I was six or seven. Usually someone forced their way into my body instead. Choosing to hurt me, to make me engage in the act instead of just using my body to get off in that less invasive way.

  
“Come on we’ll go wash off and get dressed all right?” He said kissing my shoulder again as we both got up.

  
We showered together and he washed my back but he didn’t do anything to me. After we were done he allowed me into my drawer full of clothing and I pulled out the only pair of jeans there was and a simple t-shirt. I felt naked as he watched me. It seemed like he always wanted to be touch me, my arm or my shoulder, my neck. Some part of my body. He got dressed and we left the house.

  
Being in the car with him still made me horribly nervous afraid he was going to pull over at any minute and make me do things. Make me do things with him before we got where we were going but he didn’t. We made it to the movie theatre without him pulling over and doing anything to me. But I still stayed nervous the whole time. I was so nervous I don’t even know what movie we actually saw. His hand on my knee the whole time.

  
When we were done he did take me to Pete’s Coney. I thought this would be a normal Coney. A normal place but it wasn’t. It was a lot of like Tony’s restaurant where they pulled us to a back room to sit and there were people there with children all over. And some of them were very obviously not related. I don’t remember what I ordered but I know I didn’t eat most of it. I felt awkward knowing that this was my life. This was my world and I was his, I belonged to him. Sometimes someone would stop by the table and say hi to Leo and make comments about me. I tried not to listen, to just zone out and ignore it.

  
I remember this one man stopped by and talked to Leo for several minutes him holding hands with an Asian girl that must have been around Mike and Matt’s age. Her eyes never left the floor as they talked him rubbing his thumb up and down her thumb as he held her hand, his fingers entwined with hers. I could tell by watching her, the way she wouldn’t look at anything even at me that she was his. That she was his like I was Leo’s that we were both aware of it.

  
We got back to his apartment and he…well it’s obvious what my life is I don’t think I need to describe to you how he kept me in bed from that point on. How I begged him and pleaded with him and he still did what he wanted to. When I woke up hours later he was curled around me. But it didn’t hurt I felt the nervous fluttering in my chest that told me I was anxious, scared but I felt like I could breathe and I pulled away.

  
He didn’t move when I moved and so I got up and pulled my pants back on going out into the living room to just sit. I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do at that point. I sat on the couch and just kind of chilled. After a couple hours, I heard a key in front door and I was about to start flipping out wondering who the hell it was when believe it or not Dick walked in.

  
“One of the fire twins?” He asked me.

  
“Dick?” I looked at him questioningly.

  
“I need my lanyard,” He said, “So I was right about at least one of you?”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Well, let’s just say my Dad doesn’t entertain just any boys so why else would you be here unless you were his new plaything?” Dick scoffed looking at me.

  
“That’s why you had no problem teasing Dom? Because you’re in the brotherhood? You have to be shitting me,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Hey, my dad doesn’t fuck me anymore,” Dick said shrugging his shoulders, “You never chose to ask me if he did. Dom just made it obvious. You I’m slightly surprised though. I never pegged you as a daddy fucker. Maybe a bad uncle but not a daddy fucker.”

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “Explains why you’re such an asshole.”

  
“You thought I was an asshole before? Wait until Monday,” Dick said smiling.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked, “And don’t say you’re going to tell everyone because I know how this works. He’s done things to you at least once and me being here is proof of that so keep your mouth shut.”

  
“You think anyone would believe you?” He asked me.

  
“Would they believe you?” I shot back.

  
“Well, this was fun I’m going to go to my room and grab what I need and then I’m out of here. Have fun getting it up the ass,” Dick taunted before going down the hallway and going into one of the bedrooms that always had the door closed.

  
I felt sick to my stomach. So, his son Rich was Dick. Dick and biggest Dick I knew that constantly teased Dom about the situation he was stuck in that purposefully called him Dominic because it bothered him and he knew it. That made it very clear he held real contempt for us.

  
I heard the door open and figured it was going to be Dick leaving but instead it was Leo putting a robe on as he came out of his bedroom, “Did I just hear you talking to someone?” He asked me.

  
“Your son is here,” I answered.

  
“Oh,” he said nodding his head, “You know Rich?”

  
“I call him Dick but yeah I know him,” I answered.

  
“He hates being called Dick,” he told me.

  
“Yeah well Dom hates being taunted about his personal life too so…forgive me if I’m not very accommodating,” I answered.

  
“Hey, no snark,” Leo warned me, “You might be a teenager but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be a shit ok?”

  
“Sorry,” I replied. I knew he wouldn’t hit me but he was right that didn’t mean he was spending time with me to hear me insult his son. I was still floored that his son was Dick to be completely honest. I had thought the guy was just a jackass not a part of this.

  
“Got it,” Dick said coming out of his room and seeing his Dad, “Hi Dad, having fun with your new toy?”

  
“Rich be nice,” Leo warned him.

  
“Yeah, right,” he answered shaking his head, “He tell you about his boyfriend Dad?”

  
Leo turned to look at me, “Boyfriend?”

  
“I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m straight,” I answered looking at Leo.

  
“Yeah, you’re as straight as a swirly straw,” Dick commented.

  
“No, really I’m … geeze,” I said just shaking my head and pinching the bridge of my nose.

  
“So, you’re not straight then?” Dick asked me smiling amused.

  
“No. I am I just don’t see the point in arguing with an idiot,” I answered.

  
“Ok that’s enough,” Leo said and we both stopped, “He says he’s straight besides me, this us, our arrangement, he’s straight take it for what it is. Rich don’t act like you’re the straightest person in the room because I know you fuck around. If you can’t be nice go back to your moms all right? He’s here every weekend you will treat him like he belongs here when he is here you understand?”

  
“Yes Dad,” Dick answered.

  
“I expect you both to treat each other nicely when you see each other in public. I don’t want to hear about anyone starting anything. Rich keep any comments you have to yourself when somewhere people can over hear and I don’t want to hear any of them either got it? And John don’t call him Dick he doesn’t like being called Dick and don’t mention me but when you are together be civil got it?” Leo asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered simply.

  
“Good now say goodbye Rich,” Leo said walking up to Rich and giving him a hug that made Rich cringe but he returned it.

  
“Ok, I’ll see you later Dad, John,” Dick said giving me a curt head nod as he opened the apartment door and left.

  
“I didn’t realize you two knew each other that well,” Leo said raising his eyebrows at me sitting down on the couch next to me.

  
“We ride the bus together,” I answered.

  
“Oh,” he said, “that makes sense I guess considering this is his last year of school and you’re only going to be a Freshmen in high school. So, do I need to have the dating talk with you?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t have a boyfriend and I know we’re not allowed to date anyway so no girlfriend either. I had a girlfriend back in Montana but that’s like the only person I’ve really dated.”

  
“So, you know dating another boy in the brotherhood is a huge no?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I know,” I answered, “I’m friends with Cole Gables I know what happens.”

  
“Good as long as you’re very aware,” Leo said, “Why does he think you have a boyfriend?”

  
“Dom, we’re well. I’m protective of him. He’s very quiet very I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“You mean like you?” He asked me.

  
I thought about it for a minute. Everyone insisted that Dom and I were very similar in personality and that’s why we were so close. Other than Pat, Dom had to probably be my best friend. We talked about things when we felt like talking when we didn’t we could sit in a room in comfortable silence and didn’t run into any problems at all. It was easy to get along with him, to understand him.

  
“Yeah, that’s what everyone says,” I answered.

  
“Well, I have to pull teeth to get you speak most of the time so I’m assuming you hang out with people like you. Even though Cole Gables and Pat Kingly, those two are very different from you,” Leo commented.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “They are. I don’t know they make me feel, adventures. Happy.”

  
“What do you guys do together?” He asked me, “Besides convince older guys to sneak you into rated R movies.”

  
“Well, we listen to music and what not,” I answered, “We go to the beach and swim. When Cole and Pat come over to my house we play video games with my little brothers and just kind of hang out. I don’t know just like regular stuff I guess.”

  
“And you told me you felt like this was all you were,” Leo said shaking his head smiling, “See I told you you’re whatever you want to be.”

  
“I guess,” I answered.

  
“You guys get into trouble?” He asked me.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

  
“Just like I said before drugs that sort of thing,” he answered, “Hitting on the girls all of that.”

  
“Cole? Cole’s into other things,” I answered.

  
“Cole is gay?” He asked me, “Interesting. I mean I knew about him and Justin but I thought that was more a phase type of thing.”

  
“Oh no, he’s really that way,” I answered, “I mean he doesn’t run around hitting on people or anything but he’s gay. He’s fun though and he’s all about music. Kind of reminds me of my little brother a little bit. I mean James is more about classical music he’s only seven but the passion James has it’s the same thing I see in Cole when he hears a song on the radio he really likes. His eyes light up in this weird way that’s hard to explain. Like he’s not hearing the music, but he’s feeling it. It’s really weird.”

  
“You’re observant?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulder.

  
“No. Tell me more, tell me other stuff about your friends,” he encouraged sitting down on the recliner to my right.

  
“Well, then there’s Pat and Pat is very brooding. He’s adventurous and outgoing but you can see it in his face there’s always something there like he’s thinking deep thoughts he’s not saying. Like there’s a darkness that he tries so hard to hide. And Cole he’s just hurt. He’s hurt so badly deep down inside there isn’t anything that will ever fill that hole, that void. He tries everything to fill it and nothing ever works but when he dances, or listens to music that’s the closest he ever gets to feeling whole and you can tell. And Dom he’s I don’t know.” I answered.

  
He stared at me while I talked his eyes watching me closely watching my lips move. As I stopped talking he sighed leaning back for a minute, “God you’re so beautiful.” He muttered.

  
“I need to use the bathroom,” I said trying to get up as he grabbed my arm keeping me there. I felt like I was going to cry. I knew what he wanted. I had seen it in his face as he was watching my lips move. He wanted to kiss me to do those things to me and I didn’t want him to.

  
“No beautiful come here, be good for me,” he said pulling me back down so I was sitting in his lap. He stared kissing the back of my neck petting me through the shirt I was still wearing rubbing the outside of my thighs through my Jeans.

  
“Leo,” I started begging him to stop.

  
“No, no be good,” he said again starting to pull my shirt up over my head kissing my spine, “Let’s go the bedroom huh?” He said moving so I would get up off of him and taking my hand.

  
I let him lead me to the bedroom and he had me sit down on the bed again without a shirt on. He pushed me down and started making out with me I felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest. His hands went to my pants as he started kissing down my center, towards my belly button. I pushed him away lightly not hard enough to make him mad but apparently hard enough to make him notice so he stopped.

  
“It’s ok baby. I’m just checking if you’re not healed enough I won’t do it ok?” He breathed against my skin undoing my pants and starting to slide them down my legs down past my thighs, “It doesn’t look bad,” he said touching it making me jump, “This I can try it?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to. Leo please please do---,”

  
All I could do was lay there as he did it. As he played with me and made me feel those things I didn’t want to feel. By the time he was done I couldn’t even cry, every movement he made sending an electric shock up my spine until I wasn’t able to do anything but seize when he made me orgasm.

  
“God, you taste so sweet,” he said when he was finished wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before he started kissing his way up my body my whole lower half covered in his spit after what he had been doing for an hour and a half and he then pushed his way inside me with a little bit of lube and raped me. When he was done my whole body was vibrating in a way that made me feel like I was going to throw up and I told him that. That I felt sick and so he smacked me on the ass and got up leaving me there to lay in our mess.

  
I waited for my body to stop hurting, stop feeling those aftershocks running around under my skin. When I felt like I was able to stand I made my way to the bathroom and used it climbing into the shower just trying to breathe. I knew that’s why I was there. That I was there for that reason for him to have sex with, to use but it still hurt. He had been being so nice it had almost made me forget why I was there.

  
When I climbed out of the shower he had changed the bed sheets and was back in bed, “Feeling any better beautiful?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“Good,” Leo said patting the bed next to him, “Did I go a little too hard, make you cum a little too much? Over stimulation can feel not so great if I did that I’m sorry.”

  
“Why do you …?” I didn’t know how to ask the question.

  
“Come here,” he said patting the bed beside him again as I sighed and did as I was told.

  
“I won’t do anything else tonight I think I pushed a little too hard,” Leo said to me.

  
I nodded my head I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted to know why. How he could enjoy this, enjoy hearing me scream like that and be ok with hurting me if he supposedly thought I was so beautiful and attractive. I didn’t understand how just like my Da he could claim to love me and hurt me so badly and know that he was doing it. How he could be anywhere near ok with that.

  
“Come cuddle with me,” he said pulling me into his side wrapping his arm around me, “We’ll watch some TV ok? No inappropriate touching. Nothing bad I promise.”

  
“I don’t like cuddling,” I said but didn’t pull away.

  
“Why not?” Leo asked me.

  
“Because it never ends with anything good,” I answered, “Not from Da, not from Uncle Ben and certainly not from you.”

  
“Oh, Honesty huh?” Leo said looking over at me smirking, “I can make it unpleasant if you would prefer. That’s on you though. Right now I’m feeling more relaxed then frisky but that could change rather quickly as I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

  
“So how is tomorrow going to be?” I asked.

  
“Well, I have church clothes for you, we’ll go to church you me and we’ll probably meet Rich there and then I’ll take you home with me. I’m sure Rich will drive his own car back to his moms. We’ll spend some alone time together, I’ll make you breathless and squirmy maybe even more than once and then Monday morning I’ll drop you off at school all right?” Leo said.

  
“What happens after that?” I asked.

  
“You go home for the week, you do your homework, you be good and I’ll see you again on Friday when I pick you up from school. We’ll go to the Villa probably Saturday morning stay there until later Sunday and then again I’ll drop you off at school Monday and see you again on Friday when I pick you up,” He answered.

  
“And I’m supposed to just have …,” I didn’t want to say the words.

  
“Have sex with me when I want you to? Yes, essentially that’s the arrangement. It’s won’t be all day long it might not even be everyday every weekend but, Like I said before no fighting back, no pushing me away, no name calling and you’ll be fine. How is that going for you by the way? The being able to beg and plead without being punched or hit?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered still not looking at him. His arm still around my shoulder.

  
“Ok well just watch how many of those words you drop next weekend because usually people tend to frown on that at parties. Good way to get yourself in trouble all right beautiful and I wouldn’t want you in trouble,” he said kissing my cheek before he let me go, “Let’s get some sleep so we can be up bright and early for Church.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John learns how school is going to be. Reuniting with Pat and the guys all besides Dom who is still in the hospital. He decides Leo is unperdictiable and learns more about Leo's habits and hobbies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 394 to 419. It ends in a weird spot because he's in the middle of the school day but editing takes forever. Warnings: Rape/Non-con, forced Oral, Forced Anal, Forced anal fingering, light bondage, toys, sounding. Consensual underage kissing, making out. Swearing.

I rolled over and managed to get some actual sleep. Leo woke me up around 6:45 and we both got dressed quickly and headed to campus to go to Sunday mass which now that I was in high school would be a requirement. Once I got there I saw Will and my brothers whose eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and I ran to them, the little ones huddling around me and hugging me tightly as I laughed the first time in a while.

  
“Where have you been?!” James asked me hugging my waist tightly.

  
“I was sick,” I answered, “But I’m better now. I promise.”

  
“You won’t ever leave like that again?” He asked me.

  
“I swear,” I answered.

  
“Good because it’s so hard without you. And mum I miss mummy,” he told me.

  
“I know bud. I miss her too,” I answered, “Go take your seat ok? Where is Catty and the wee ones?”

  
“In the pew with Alice,” he said pointing to the crowd and sure enough there was Alice on one of her days off sitting bouncing a tiny tot in her lap with red braided pigtails on each side of her head.

  
“Ok, go take your seat, you two as well,” I said reaching down and kissing each of my little brothers on the crowns of their heads as I pulled Will over by the arm, “Are you ok?”

  
“I’m fine,” he said his eyes cold almost vacant like he was just existing but not alive for the moment, “Are you?”

  
“Huh, I got out of the hospital Friday,” I answered.

  
“And where have you been then?” He asked me.

  
“With…someone,” I answered turning around scanning the crowd behind me looking for him. Knowing he was there. I saw him standing there talking to some guy with blond hair almost so blond it was white who was standing next to another guy with Tan skin and brown hair. I didn’t know who they were but the three of them seemed to be well acquainted.

  
“Who is someone?” Will asked looking in the direction I have turned to scan looking for a face he might know, looking for a clue.

  
“I…I’ll be home tomorrow after a school,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I can tell you about it then. Will, I’m so so sorry that I made you…”

  
“I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming,” Will said looking at me that spark behind his eyes finally showing, “I’m sorry I didn’t understand exactly what he’s like. I do now though. I get it. Don’t make yourself do it alone anymore though ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I think I have to go sit with him, because I’m not supposed to come home until Monday. It only makes sense that I would sit either with some classmates or…”

  
“Can you at least tell me who you are with?” Will asked me.

  
“His name is Leo,” I answered still hating the name. Still hating the fact it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

  
“Wait, isn’t that that one guy?” Will asked me and I nodded my head quickly, “Oh shit! Are you ok?”

  
“I’m alive,” I answered, “He was also my doctor at the hospital. I don’t know it’s…” I shook my head.

  
“But you’re coming home tomorrow after school? Why not tonight?” He asked me.

  
“It’s complicated,” I answered, “But yeah. Tomorrow after school ok?”

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head.

  
“Yeah, I’m going to go sit before mass starts you should too,” I said, “I’ll tell you more about it after school tomorrow ok? I love you.”

  
“Yeah, I love you too,” Will said before going to go sit down with the rest of our family.

  
I found Pat and Cole and sat down in the pew next to them. They both looked at me as I timidly waved hi. I didn’t see Dom but figured he was probably still in the hospital. I didn’t really have time to speak to them before mass started. I don’t remember what mass was about but, honestly it could have been about the importance of clean underwear that week and I still wouldn’t have remembered. Usually it was something about homosexuality or how listening to our elders and respecting our families was important. How lying was wrong. You know, the usual stuff that is covered in the bible.

  
After mass was over and everyone had received the blood and body of Christ we were allowed to mingle. It didn’t seem like Leo was going to stop me so I walked over to Pat and Cole looking at them closely before Pat spoke.

  
“I called you yesterday. Dom said you went somewhere,” he said.

  
“Yeah. I got out,” I answered.

  
“But you didn’t go home.” Pat said. Making it more a comment or observation then a question of my whereabouts.

  
“Yeah. No, if I had gone home I would have called,” I answered, “You know I would have called.”

  
“Yeah, I know. Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders for some reason the question sounding more sincere coming from him than anyone else. I wanted to tell him no but I didn’t want everyone else to know that I really wasn’t ok. That I hated it just as much as I hated my Da. That I knew I was Leo’s toy and there was nothing I could do but take it. I wanted him to hug me but I knew he couldn’t, that he shouldn’t.

  
“Does Dom know when he’s getting out yet?” I asked looking for a change in topic.

  
“He said Monday or Tuesday. So, are you going home now?” He asked me. Not asking where I had been but wondering if I would be home.

  
“Monday after school,” I answered not wanting to think about it. How I would end up spending the rest of the afternoon probably in his bed with Leo. Naked having him touch me just to stop for a while to watch tv and then start again.

  
“Where are you staying can I call you? Or you call me?” He asked me.

  
“Somewhere,” I said not wanting to talk about it, “I’ll tell you Monday when I get to school. I just kind of… I’m trying to pep talk myself into just accepting it.”

  
Pat’s eyes flashed with concern, “Hey, come on,” he said grabbing my arm in one hand and Cole’s in the other and dragging us outside through the side door. Once we were outside and the door closed behind us he sighed looking at me.

  
“Where are you staying? Tell me. Please Rabbit?” Pat coaxed.

  
“Man,” Cole said looking at me, “Whatever it is. It’s ok all right?”

  
I shook my head, “It’s very not ok and I’d rather not…”

  
“What? Talk about it?” Cole asked me, “Isn’t that how you ended up in the hospital in the first place? By not talking about things?”

  
“How do you know?” I asked.

  
“I talk with Will. We both do,” Cole said putting a hand on my shoulder, “Listen man we had no idea it was that bad. You make it seem like things aren’t as bad as they are. Three times a day? You didn’t tell us that was what was going on. If you had we would have tried to come over more often because if we were there you weren’t…”

  
“It wouldn’t have mattered. He didn’t want you guys there,” I said, “The only reason I’m out is because I said I would ok? I made this choice; I shouldn’t complain about it.”

  
“Hey!” Pat said loudly, “Talking about it isn’t complaining, venting isn’t complaining. Keeping it inside is going to send you right back to the hospital and then it’ll be whatever this is again. Talk to us. Please?”

  
“I can’t,” I answered, “I…I did this. I did this to myself.”

  
“No, you didn’t,” Cole said causing me to shake my head.

  
“Look at me,” Pat said grabbing my chin gently and tilting my head up so my eyes met his gaze, “Look at me Rabbit. You didn’t do this ok? They did, just tell me who it is. The more afraid you are to say it the worse it’s going to be ok?”

  
I started crying, “I don’t want to tell you. Because I don’t want you to be upset. I don’t want you to know how stupid I am.”

  
“Hey, I could never think you are stupid. I love you. I love you so much. They aren’t giving you choices here you may think they are but they aren’t. Tell me who it is. Please? Maybe I can do something to…”

  
“No. You can’t,” I said shaking my head, “You can’t. It’s like you and Gus you can’t do anything to stop it.”

  
“Wait you’re saying you’re contracted?” Cole asked me his eyes going wide with fear, “You need to tell us who. You need to tell us now. Please John, don’t keep this a secret. I’ll ask Will and Will will tell me if I ask him to but, I’d rather know from you.”

  
“You guys remember the Coney after the beach?” I asked them.

  
“Him? No, your Dad didn’t do that to you. Are you fucking kidding me?” Cole asked his eyes turning angry.

  
“Wait isn’t the guy that…he…oh no,” Pat said throwing his arms around me, “Oh my god Rabbit. Can you tell me anything?”

  
I shook my head swallowing. What was I supposed to say that he was gentle? That he made me cuddle with him? That he tried to make sure it felt good and I hated it? That he knew I didn’t want to and he loved the fact that I begged him to stop? Just like in the SUV, just like that first time at Tony’s. That every time was like that first time. That it was like reliving the same horrible moment over and over and that he had asked me if I wanted to change things up? If I wanted to be on top. That he was nice one second and then the next he was inside of me making me beg him to just leave me alone.

  
“Please Rabbit, anything?” Pat begged me holding me to his chest, his hand brushing gently through my hair as Cole rubbed my shoulder in support.

  
“I don’t want him to anymore,” I said.

  
“I know. We know,” Pat whispered to me softly.

  
“He’s …he’s like Da,” I said, “He…” I shook my head trying to fight back my tears.

  
“Ok,” Pat said trying to calm me down, “Ok.”

  
“I have to go back to him,” I said.

  
“I know you do. I’m sorry that I can’t make this better,” Pat told me.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said, “I don’t want to and he…”

  
“Shhh, it’s ok. I know you don’t…it’s ok Rabbit,” Pat told me, “God I’m so sorry.”

  
“He likes it when I beg him,” I barely whispered. Trying it out again, trying to see if letting a little bit go would make me feel better, “When I plead with him to stop.”

  
“That can’t make you feel very good,” Cole said, “Having him not listen to you.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head into Pat’s chest hugging him even tighter.

  
“I’ll always listen to you,” Pat told me, “About everything. Always, I swear to you. Anything you ever have to tell me, anything you ever want from me. I’ll always listen to you and pay attention and respect you ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head allowing myself to relax into him, into his touch.

  
His touch that was so warm and comforting. A touch that was wanted and soothing, a touch I could spend my whole life living in. He felt safe and he smelled like chocolate covered pretzels and smoke. That smell always made me calm down. That mix of smells. Hearing his heart beat lightly through his clothes, his skin. He made me feel like after it was over he would be there. After I saw Leo, had to deal with him Pat would be there to comfort me. To tell me I was ok, that I mattered. That I was loved and wanted and respected.

  
“I have to go,” I said lifting my head up off of his chest, “I’ll see you Monday morning?” I asked him.

  
“Yes, Monday,” he said, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too,” I answered back as Cole opened the door and we all walked back inside.

  
“Take care of yourself ok?” Cole said to me and nodded my head in response and walked back over to Leo who stared at me closely.

  
“Where did you go?” He asked me, causing me to tense.

  
“Outside with my friends,” I answered.

  
“Ah ok,” he answered coolly, “This is Mr. and Mr. Morrow Dom’s parents.” He said introducing me to the two guys he was standing with.

  
“Hello,” I said politely knowing this wasn’t good. That I shouldn’t be meeting these guys because of who they were. What Dom had said about them, at least one of them hadn’t been good.

  
“Nice to meet you Johnathan. Leo was telling us all about you,” One of them said and I instinctively pulled away slightly. I didn’t like the look on his face, in his eyes.

  
“I’m Tanner,” the one with the light blond hair said. I felt like he wanted to ask me something or say something that he shouldn’t, “You know our son Dom?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

  
“You’re right Leo he is shy,” The other one said, “Is he well behaved?”

  
“Yes, he’s very well behaved,” Leo said putting his hand on the back of my neck making sure I didn’t go anywhere.

  
I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. This was bad. This was really really bad.

  
“Leo can we go?” I asked.

  
“Not yet. We’re discussing a couple of things,” Leo answered.

  
“So, will we see you at the gathering?” Tanner asked looking at me.

  
“Yes, we’ll be there,” Leo answered, “I think Dobbs is going to Sponsor him. He seems interested.”

  
“I’m interested,” Tanner said looking at me.

  
“I think you’re making him nervous Tanner,” The other guy said smacking him on the shoulder.

  
“Lou, he’s so shy I’m sure just about everything makes him nervous. I mean look at him, he’s too sweet,” Tanner said to the other guy.

  
“You start training him for sounding yet?” Tanner asked confusing me because at the time I had no idea what that was.

  
“No, not yet. We’re still getting to know each other. I figured I’d give it some time,” Leo answered him.

  
“Well when you do let us know,” Lou said smiling at me the smiling not traveling to his eyes, “That’s always fun to do.”

  
“Oh yeah. Dom practically becomes a drooling mess when we sound him,” Tanner said.

  
Whatever sounding was it didn’t sound like something I would like. It scared the shit out of me. Not only because I didn’t know what it was but, also because of the way the act seemed to excite them. Just talking about it made their body language change, all three of them.

  
“Oh, I will. Don’t worry. Come on John, let’s go home. All right?” He said and something in his eyes told me that whatever he was thinking wasn’t going to wait until we got back to his house.

  
I swallowed and nodded my head. Knowing what I was walking towards. When I saw the SUV that we had driven here in I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew it was bad when he opened the back door and pulled the seats down.

  
“Come on, let’s go. We’ll go for a drive,” he said smiling at me.

  
“You’re not going to…” he cut me off.

  
“Come on. It’s ok, it’s nothing you haven’t done before,” he said to me opening up the passenger side door and gesturing at me to get into the car.

  
I remember getting in, feeling numb. He drove me around for a while and then he pulled over on a dirt road that looked like it was hardly used. A little two track that had weeds growing out of control on either side. He drove until the road ran out and we were near a dock of some kind and then turned off the engine.

  
“You look scared,” Leo said looking closely at me.

  
“I don’t want to do this here,” I answered feeling like I wanted to climb out of my skin.

  
“It’s ok. Don’t you remember how exciting it was last time? Knowing we could get caught? How we almost did? What a rush that was?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Come on. Climb over the seat. It’ll be fun, I promise,” he said nodding his head towards the back.

  
I sighed and climbed over the center console into the back seat as he got out of the car and walked around to the back door using that way to climb in. Once he was in he didn’t even shut the door before he started kissing me. Being rough, his hands grabbing at me forcefully forcing me to lay back, lay down so he could climb on top of me. I screamed.

  
“NO! PLEASE NO!” I yelled loudly. Struggling, fighting him until he smacked me across the face.

  
“I said I don’t like pushing or fighting ok? I wasn’t lying. That was a warning. You keep trying to fight and I will make sure you understand what pain is. You got it?” He hissed at me.

  
“Please? I really don’t want to not here Leo please,” I begged him. I didn’t want to have sex in his car again. I had no room to breathe like that. I didn’t want to be trapped and exposed. I didn’t want to risk someone walking up and seeing me like that. How disgusting I was. How I let them do that type of stuff to me.

  
“Come on,” he said smiling, “It’s not a big deal. It’s not like anyone is going to just walk up. We’ll hear their car pull up out here. I promise.”

  
“Leo please? I don’t want anyone to see,” I said as I started crying. I really didn’t want anyone to see. Anyone to know.

  
“That’s a part of the fun baby,” he said starting to unbutton my dress shirt that I had worn to look right for church. To take the blood and body of Christ into me to wash me of my sins that I had committed the week before. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see him. See us. I was shivering as he... as he pulled my shirt off my arms and he undid my belt. As he undid my pants pulling them off before he did his own. He left me naked while he kept his shirt on.

  
He touched me everywhere, grabbing hard, pinching, squeezing, scratching. He raped me face to face first. Making me look at him while he…got off inside of me. Then he turned me around and he rimmed me. I don’t know how long he did that for but after a while he added his fingers. Bumping against my prostate making me grasps because I could no longer scream. Because I had screamed myself horse.

  
“God, I love you,” he said rolling me back over so I was facing him again. Me squeezing my eyes shut waiting for him to penetrate me again, force his way into me again. He grabbed my mouth and squeezed causing me pain, “open your eyes.”

  
I sighed trying to keep my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to look at him, to have to watch this. I didn’t want to remember him inside me, on my skin.

  
“Open your eyes now,” he said squeezing me harder to the point where I cried out and then opened my eyes, “There you go beautiful. That’s it,” he said pushing inside of me.

  
“You have that deer in the headlights look in your eyes. God you’re so amazing. You feel good inside. You know that?” He asked me thrusting hard making me gasps, “Yeah?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head frantically. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to be able to do this.

  
“You do. You feel so good inside, warm and tight, just beyond prefect,” he breathed pressing his forehead against mine making me want to back away immediately. That was something Pat did to comfort me. To make me feel better and he was doing it to hurt me.

  
“NO, NO, STOP,” I pushed at him. Pushing his head away from mine. He his hands immediately went to my neck and started squeezing.

  
“I told you not to fight,” he hissed, “you want to play rough? I’ll play very rough you understand?” He asked me before he slammed into me hard making me yelp in pain, “Yeah that’s right scream for me baby…”

  
“STOP! Please! I don’t want to! I don’t want to! Please! I’m sorry, Please,” I begged.

  
“I could choke you right now if I wanted. Make you pass out? Then what would you do? Would you still cum for me? I bet you would. I bet you’d cum just as hard,” he muttered into my face.

  
That pressure started to build. Even though he had a hold of my neck making sure I didn’t push him away anymore, didn’t fight back. Every thrust felt painful in a way I can’t explain. Knowing he had complete control over me. Complete control over my body.

  
His every movement making me aware that I had no control over anything. When he finished my chest was heaving. I couldn’t catch my breath as he kissed down my body to my stomach and he blew me. I couldn’t even cry by then. Him holding onto my hips hard to keep me from wiggling away, from trying to stop it.

  
I came again and again and again. I thought it was done after that. Him moving back up towards my face. Him kissing me, forcing his tongue in my mouth even though my face was covered in tears. I wanted him to be done. I wanted my body back.  
“Your eyes are such a bright green when you cry,” he said looking down between us shifting his weight, “Beg me?”

  
“Please,” I begged knowing he was about to rape me again, “Please stop! I want to! Stop! Please Leo, please no! Please!”

  
“But you feel so good and I’m hard again. Don’t you want me to feel good too? We’ll come together ok?” He said kissing me as he started to slide back in.  
“No,” I moaned, “No.”

  
“Yeah baby. Come on,” he said starting to thrust again making me scream out, “Come on baby. That’s it beautiful. Oh god, yeah that’s it,” he said as I struggled my movement pulling him closer as I bucked my hips to fight him. Only moving us both closer to orgasm, “That’s it, yeah. God yes.”

  
“N….” I started begging, losing my voice as I started to climax his coaxing turning into this weird howling moan as my body started twitching as he came inside me again for the 3rd time.

  
“Good boy, Good boy,” Leo cooed into my ear petting my hair, “That’s a good boy. Sorry, I know I was a little …overzealous. I just got excited all that talk of the amazing things we’re going to do together you know?”

  
I still couldn’t speak. I felt sick. My body so tired having climaxed four or five times. I remember just trying to catch my breath. I wanted him to be done but instead he pulled me to him and held me there. I sat there frozen waiting for him to let me go. To tell me I could put my clothes back on. Something, anything.

  
I was shaking when he finally let me go. Stopping and grabbing his pants from the trunk of the car putting them back on and doing them up, “You ready to go home beautiful?” He asked me cupping my cheek making me look at his face again, “yeah? Ok, I’ll help you get your clothes back on and then we’ll head home, all right?”

  
I just nodded my head. I didn’t know what to do and by now I knew his game. I knew that he was dangerous. Maybe even more so than my Da. At least my Da was consistently cruel but Leo, Leo was different. Leo liked to switch it up. He could be almost down right nice sometimes. Like my Da had been when I was younger, when I was a kid. Nice enough to get me to talk to him, to almost let my guard down and then he’d change. He’d start kissing me, touching me and I’d beg him to stop and he wouldn’t listen. He’d push more, force me more. Sometimes get rough and mean. I didn’t know which Leo I was going to get. Not ever. He helped me into my pants and then pushed me back over the middle console so I could sit in the front seat next to him and drove us back to his Condo.

  
“You hungry?” He asked me when we got in opening up the fridge.

  
“No, I’m ok thanks. Can I shower?” I asked. My back side was still feeling sticky him having not allowed me to put underwear on. His mess dripping down the back of my legs and into my pants as I sat in the car.

  
“No, not right now ok? Later. Can you eat?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Yes or no?” He asked me, “If you don’t eat now you’re going to be really hungry later because I think we’re going to start training.”

  
“I guess I could yes,” I answered.

  
“Good, I’ll make some pasta primavera ok?” He said.

  
“That’s sounds fine. Thanks,” I replied.

  
“No problem.” He answered pulling the stuff out of the fridge and pantry.

  
“Training for what?” I asked.

  
“Oh, you’ll find out,” he said, “It won’t hurt per say but it’ll be a little uncomfortable at first. However, you’ll really enjoy it after we get in the groove. I promise.”

  
“You’re scaring me,” I said looking at him closely as he started to cook.

  
“Baby, I won’t ever hurt you on purpose ok? Trust me,” he said, “You’ll like it.”

  
“I don’t like any of it. You know that right?” I asked him.

  
“That might be what your head and your mouth say but that’s not what that tight little body of yours says. Trust me,” he said looking up from what he was doing and smiling at me.

  
He made the food as I sat in the living room and watched TV. When he was done cooking he called me to the dinner table and he just kept staring at me, licking his lips as he ate. I managed to eat only a couple of bites when he grabbed me by the arm and took me back to the bedroom. Him muttering excitedly to himself on the way there. He made me get undressed and lay down on the bed.

  
“You have to be very very still for this ok baby?” He said to me pulling out some silk scarves and tying my arms to the headboard.

  
That made me even more nervous because he said he would never restrain me unless he had to. He then he reached into his night stand and pulled out a black, what looked like trapper keeper or pouch. When he opened it, his smile widened and there were these weird metal rods in it. Not super long but not really short either. He took a bottle of lube and squirted it on the entire second rod that he pulled from the case.

  
“Ok hold very still,” he said grabbing my penis. It felt weird, burning slightly as he slid it into the tip of my penis. Whatever this was, I didn’t want it.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked him as he continued to feed it up into my shaft the feeling burning that was spreading up my body.

  
“Sounding. After we play with this one we’re going to try that other one. You see it? The one with the wider end. You’ll love that one, trust me,” he said smiling at me and he pulled it back out slowly and then pushed it back in the feeling weird, tickling and burning all at once.

  
“SHIT,” I whimpered.

  
“Feels good, doesn’t it? Wait until you try the vibrating one,” he said continuing to fuck me with it.

  
“Stop it hurts. It hurts, stop,” I begged really hating the way it felt. How wrong it was, how painful. Which is probably why he had tied me down. After a while he changed the rod and then changed it again to the one he had pointed out turning it on.  
The vibration felt weird. Being inside my body like someone wiggling their fingers back and forth really fast. It hit something inside me stealing my breath. I still can’t describe what it really felt like at least not that well. It hurt, burned slightly while over whelming my body all at once.

  
“Good boy,” he said starting to move it in and out. He pushed me to climax.

  
It was intense almost like having three orgasms at once. Both my penis and something else being stimulated at once and directly on. After he was done he pulled it out and licked me clean leaving me tied up. Then he…did one of his favorite things whispering into my ear to stay calm that I was good as I cried and begged him to stop. He only let me go when I quit begging.

  
I curled into a ball and slept. My whole body exhausted. He woke me up around 6 and I showered.

  
I felt number and sore. It hurt to piss again. Of course, again because let’s be honest they enjoyed making urination painful for some odd reason. I got dressed and he took me off to school.

  
When I got out of the car I felt numb. He wished me a good week and told me he would pick me up from school Friday. I felt sick to my stomach waiting for everyone to get there. Pat and Cole got off the bus and saw me as I didn’t wait for them to catch up going back to our spot.

  
“Are you ok?” Pat asked me.

  
I just shook my head taking the cigarette he handed me and he helped me light it. I knew he wanted me to talk about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I was free of him for nearly three days. I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist for those three days.  
“Want to talk about it?” He asked me.

  
“Not really,” I answered as the bushes moved and I jumped back.

  
This Asian kid appeared the biggest smile on his face. I wasn’t sure who the hell he was and then Cole smiled big, “TOSHI!” he said delightly hugging the boy tightly.

  
“Yo, so this is the spot?” Toshi asked his English only slightly accented.

  
“Yes, this is our place. What do you think?” Cole asked Toshi smiling, “This is John and you know Pat.”

  
“Hello,” he said bowing slightly at me causing me to wrinkle my nose at him.

  
“Oh, sorry I’m Japanese we huh, well anyway,” he said holding out his hand.

  
“John is a very…hands off sort of guy with most people,” Pat said as I looked at Toshi’s hand suspiciously.

  
“Oh,” Toshi said nodding his head, “You can call me Tosh.”

  
“Sorry,” I said trying to wrap my head around this new person who seemed overly friendly, “I’ve had a very long weekend.”

  
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Tosh said, “You look so serious.”

  
I heard Pat chuckle lightly, “He usually is.”

  
“You…don’t even please,” I said looking at him.

  
“Sorry rabbit it’s true. It’s so true. You are a very very serious guy but…,” he leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear sending a warm shiver down my back, “It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

  
“Oh, he’s that John?” Tosh asked looking at Cole who nodded.

  
“What John?” I asked.

  
“Oh, you and Pat would be together if it weren’t for Gus. Cole tells me these things,” Tosh said nodding his head.

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“Hey, it’s like watching a real-life soap,” Cole told me, “I haven’t a chance to tell him about….” Cole frowned and then smiled a thin line, “Other things.”

  
I turned and Pat was smiling at my head like he had been doing something weird, “Did I miss some nonverbal brother signals there?” I asked.

  
“Yes, Pat was waving wildly,” Tosh said moving his hand back and forth in front of his neck vigorously.

  
“Yeah, thank you Pat and Cole. Please, just don’t,” I answered, “Can I have another one?” I asked holding my hand out for a cigarette.

  
“Yes,” Pat said giving me another one, “Dom said he’ll be out tomorrow so he probably won’t be at school until Wednesday.”

  
“Just in time for Mass,” Cole said.

  
“So, are you and Tosh like dating or …?” I asked.

  
“No, we’re friends,” Cole said.

  
“Good friends,” Tosh said winking.

  
“Ah,” I said nodding my head, “Got it.”

  
“What? Is that a bad thing?” Tosh asked.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Just be careful.”

  
“Oh, I know this,” Tosh told me nodding head.

  
“So, do you read?” Tosh asked me.

  
“Well, yes,” I answered.

  
“No, he means for fun,” Cole said.

  
“Sometimes?” I replied.

  
“Hey Cole, can you and Tosh give us…,” Pat started to ask.

  
“Yeah. No problem,” Cole said pulling on Tosh’s jacket, “Come on Tosh. I’ll show you how to get to your class.”

  
“See you later,” Tosh said brightly following Cole.

  
“You find him annoying?” He asked me.

  
“Only slightly why?” I sighed.

  
“I can see it written all over your face,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah well, I’m low on patience right now,” I answered, “You can understand that, right?”

  
“Yeah, you’re numbed out Rabbit. I can see it,” Pat said touching my cheek making me twitch slightly, “You know I’m not going to hurt you right?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I know I just…I’m tired ok?”

  
“It’s him, isn’t it? He’s done something. Will you talk to me?” He asked me his brow furrowed in worry.

  
“I’d rather not talk about any of it. I’d rather just forget about it,” I answered.

  
“Until you have to see him again on Friday?” He asked me making me stiffen, “Yeah I know. Talk to me please.”

  
“About what Pat? How he …” I shook my head, “I can’t.”

  
“Why?” He asked softly, “Can you at least tell me why?”

  
“He’s worse than my Da. He seems nice and then he just…” I swallowed, “I can’t.”

  
“Yes, you can Rabbit. Don’t make yourself deal with this alone. You want to know what Gus does? He likes to choke me until I’m seconds from passing out as he rapes me. As he hurts me. Then at some point I always pass out and he doesn’t wake me up he just leaves and when I wake up he’s gone,” Pat said, “Does Leo do stuff like that?”

  
I shook my head, “No.”

  
“What does he do?” Pat coaxed me.

  
“He makes…I can’t Pat I’m sorry. I can’t talk about it, him I can’t,” I said.

  
“Please? You’ll feel better sharing it with someone,” Pat said.

  
“He makes me look at him. He makes me beg. He likes it and I can’t stop myself from telling him no because my Da doesn’t let me. My Da doesn’t let me tell him no. Not ever, not once. He will beat me if I say no, don’t or stop and he will go get someone else and hurt them instead. With Leo, he likes to hear me scream. He likes it when I…,” I was shaking, so close to crying I felt like my legs were Jello.

  
“Ok,” Pat said hugging me tightly, “Ok, you did great. I know that was hard but you’re very brave ok?”

  
“I’m not brave. I give him what he wants,” I answered, “I give him what he wants. I let him…”

  
“You’re not letting him do it because you want him to. You’re letting him because you don’t have a choice,” Pat told me.

  
“No, he…you don’t get it he…,” I started hyperventilating.

  
“Ok honey, Rabbit you need to breathe and count to four ok? Breathe with me,” he said showing me how to breathe. Going slowly until I started to copy him, until my breath evened out rubbing my shoulder and collar bone. His fingers working their magic even through my shirt making me want to kiss him, to bury my face in his neck and feel his warmth. Making me want to kiss the pulse in his neck.

  
When my breathing evened out he sighed with relief, “Better?”

  
I nodded my head, “Better.”

  
Just then the bell rang calling us into school. I sighed heading towards the building.

  
“Wait what lunch do you have?” Pat asked me running a little bit to catch up.

  
“Second,” I answered.

  
“Me too and your classes?” He asked me.

  
“Math with Brenan, and then Finick, McClairen, Dunbee and huh TA on Wednesdays and Fridays and gym for 2nd hour on Tuesday and Thursday, why?” I asked.

  
“Almost exactly the same. Only I don’t have Dunbee, did you get skipped a grade?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t think so,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Because the only class we should have that would probably be the same would be science I think because I either almost flunked or flunked that class. You sure they didn’t skip you?” He asked me again.

  
“They made my Da give me this weird test when I got back so maybe?” I answered as the second bell rung.

  
“Shit, let’s hurry up. I know where we’re going,” he said grabbing my hand as he started running pulling me forward making me laugh.

  
We barely made it and sat down quickly just as the final bell rang and this new teacher shut the door. He was fat and when I say fat I don’t mean a little fat I mean like he was a big man who seemed badly groomed and his breathing rattled every time he inhaled. I really hoped to god he wasn’t in the brotherhood because the thought of him on top of me terrified me.

  
“Welcome to 10th grade Math or 9th grade AP math depending on what grade you are in. The rules here are simple. Do your school work. We have a group protect due at the end of term. I will assign groups tomorrow. Today we are going to take a test and review what you do know and don’t know. I will call roll you will answer,” He said with little to no emotion.

  
He called roll and everyone said here or present that was there and then he handed out a test. It looked like a normal math test until I got to the end of it and I saw roman numerals. I wasn’t sure what it meant at first but then it said, “give me your honest answer” with honest underlined. I wasn’t sure what it meant but my brand was among them. Almost like he was fishing for us. I couldn’t figure out why he would do that so I wrote in the numeral equivalent and handed in my paper before the bell rang.

  
I didn’t stick around after it went off. Instead hurrying off to my next class Pat by my side. I wasn’t sure I was ready for our next class. Finick, I knew he’d be staring at me watching me. I knew he’d find a way to make me horribly uncomfortable and that was probably the reason why I was in his class. We walked to the classroom door and I exhaled loudly just hoping to gather my courage before we walked in.

  
“Hey, I’m right here. You’re all right,” Pat assured me.

  
“I don’t know if I am,” I said thinking of Dom, of what had happened again. What Dom had barely touched on with Cole and Pat and what I had not really talked about at all.

  
“He won’t hurt you with me here. It doesn’t matter where he sits me. I have your back you understand me?” Pat said again.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m just…I don’t know sometimes I remember things randomly and I feel like I can’t breathe. Like something bad is going to happen and I… Something just feels wrong.”

  
“I know. It’s anxiety Rabbit, ok? But I’m right here and nothing bad will happen to you if I’m here,” Pat said to me grabbing my shoulder and giving me a gentle squeeze before we walked in the door.

  
“Oh, hi there Mr. McGregor, how are you?” He asked his eyes obviously traveling up and down my body in a way they shouldn’t.

  
“He’s fine,” Pat said stepping in front of me.

  
“Mr. Kingly,” Father Finick said his eyes going cold, “How was your summer?”

  
“Fine father and yours?” Pat asked him.

  
“Uneventful,” Father Finick answered smiling, “I heard Mr. McGregor had an adventure.”

  
“Mr. McGregor spent most of his summer in summer school in Montana. That doesn’t sound like an adventure to me,” Pat answered.

  
“And he lost his ability to speak I see,” Father Finick said, “Is this going to be a problem boys?”

  
“No, sir,” Pat answered.

  
“And for you Mr. McGregor?” Father Finick asked me.

  
“No sir,” I answered not looking at him.

  
“I see Dr. Swartzman has helped with some of your incorrigibility problems?” He said and I visibly twitched, “Oh yes. I’ve heard all about that.”

  
“Don’t talk about that in front of him,” Pat hissed.

  
“Have a problem with Leo?” Father Finick said.

  
“I’m wa…” Father Finick cut Pat off.

  
“You don’t want to deal with the Head master, do you? Because threatening me would be a good way to get his attention.” Father Finick warned.

  
“You think I’m afraid of him?” Pat asked.

  
“No but I know your friend Mr. Gables is,” Father Finick said.

  
“You wouldn’t,” Pat hissed.

  
“Keep going and we’ll find out,” Father Finick warned, “You sit over by the window Mr. Kingly. Mr. McGregor, I want you by the door both in the front row, now.” He said as more people starting filing into the classroom as the bell rang.

  
I sat at the lab table in the front near the door waiting for him to come up behind me. My heart racing, my hypervigilance on full drive. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, sit close to anyone. I didn’t want to be stuck in this classroom and didn’t know how I was ever going to handle McClairen’s class which I knew was next. Alec from last year sat next to me and sighed looking at me.

  
“How was your summer?” He asked me.

  
“It happened, and yours?” I replied.

  
“Same,” He said, “So…you hear about the…?”

  
“Yes, I’m supposed to be attending apparently,” I answered, “You?”

  
“Yep,” He said, “It’s kicked up. Since you left it’s like being on lock down.”

  
“That wasn’t on me,” I whispered.

  
“I know. Just saying,” Alec replied, “How bad has your punishment been?”

  
“Can we just talk about something else?” I asked not looking at him staring straight ahead.

  
“Yeah sure,” he said, “You read any good books lately?”

  
“What is up with everyone asking me about books?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know. When you’re trapped in a room…” he started but I cut him off.

  
“Who says I’ve spent a lot of time trapped in a room? What the fuck do you know?” I hissed.

  
“Nothing,” Alec said shaking his head, “I just figured you know. You might think life is different but if you bothered to look past yourself you’d see all of us live very similar lives.”

  
“Well, we don’t. You don’t have my life. You aren’t taking care of nine kids or supposed to be while people are keeping you from doing it. You don’t have to worry about what’s going on when you’re not there,” I said.

  
“I have siblings, 2 little sisters remember? And I worry because while my Dad might not do the things to them that he does to me he’s not exactly friendly,” Alec sighed twirling his pencil in his fingers.

  
I looked around making sure no one was listening before I whispered, “Yeah I have 3 little sisters and seven little brothers. Imagine what my Da is going to them when I’m not there if he treats them anything like he treats me,” I said and Alec nodded his head.

  
“I get it, I do all right. But, you’re not alone. You’re not the only one who deals with the brotherhood ok?” Alec said, “So books? Read that Harry Potter yet? I know it’s like a kid book but my sisters love it. They’ve made me read them all twice and apparently there is another book coming out in a little while.”

  
“There’s more than one?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, three,” Alec answered, “You should really look into them. Maybe read them with your little siblings.”

  
“I’ll think about it. I don’t know. Between homework and other stuff, I don’t think I’m going to be spending a lot of time with them,” I replied.

  
“Other stuff?” Alec asked as Father Finick cleared his throat.

  
“Welcome to class. This is science. This year we’re going to be covering biology and genetics. Of course, it won’t be in depth like college level but you’ll learn about inheritance of traits and other things like illness. We’re going to do a lab with Mice, so that should be fun. You will pay attention. When we get the Mice in two weeks you will take the Mice home each weekend. Look at the person next to you that’s your teammate. That means this lab is a team grade. If one of you isn’t carrying your weight you both suffer. I realize some of you are not sophomores but are actually freshmen however you are in this class because you tested out of general education freshmen science. Now we are going to watch a video on Mice, I want to see notes from everyone. No falling asleep, Mr. McGregor get the lights please,” Father Finick said.

  
I got up and walked over to the light switch and as I hit the light Father Finick hit play on the VCR and our video started. It mostly covered the life cycle of mice and why Mice were generally used for medical research. I started making notes and was doing really well until Father Finick walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder making me jump.

  
“How are you doing?” He asked me.

  
“Making notes,” I whispered quietly trying to avoid drawing attention.

  
“Yeah?” He whispered back hoarsely, “Do you know where Mr. Morrow is?”

  
“He’s away. You should know where he is,” I answered.

  
“That’s too bad,” Father Finick said, “Maybe just you and me then?”

  
“For what?” I asked.

  
“You know. How big is it now?” He asked his hand going to my crotch making me cringe.

  
“Don’t,” I said closing my eyes, trying to avoid drawing attention to myself, to us and what he was doing.

  
“You want to keep your grade up don’t you?” He asked me, “Then see me after the bell rings. I’ll drive you home.” He said patting me on the shoulder and walking away.

  
So that’s what Leo had met by picking teachers that were willing to help me with my grades. Awesome. I should have just killed myself correctly the first time. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with this, their hands all over me. However, I didn’t want to risk going back to the hospital. To Neal. To the things he did to me. However, I felt like that might have been the better option if I had to choose between getting my dick sucked until it was black and blue and having metal rods shoved up my urethra.

  
I exhaled deeply causing Alec to elbow me lightly, “I saw that. Does he do that often?”

  
I just shook my head, “Watch the movie.”

  
“Dude, how many people do you have chasing your tail?”

  
“Alec, just watch the movie,” I said again.

  
“All right fine,” Alec sighed.

  
I knew what he was trying to do. To become friends. But if he was friends with Chad. I didn’t want to be friends with him. Chad tormented Dom and Dom had let me in on even more about that. I didn’t want to be near anyone or friends with anyone who was friends with that asshole who was obviously on the recruit fast track.

  
When the video ended I got up and turned on the lights without being asked. It seemed like everyone had actually managed to stay awake a syllabus was handed out and we were told to give it to our parents. I don’t really remember what else was said before the bell rang but the moment it did Pat rushed to my side not touching me but standing close to me. Close enough I could feel his body heat, feel that thing about him that always made me feel calmer and more relaxed like someone was helping me carry the boulder that was constantly on me, restricting me.

  
“Come on. Let’s get out of here all right?” Pat said and I nodded my head.

  
“Yeah, Gus is next, right?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Pat said shaking his head, “Should be fun. Right?”

  
“Oh yeah tons,” Pat scoffed.

  
“I won’t be riding the bus home,” I said.

  
Pat stopped walking down the hallway and turned to look at me curiously, “Why is that?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to think about it but remembering what Pat kept telling me without words. That I was shutting him out. That I was shutting everyone out and that it wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t going to help me. I sighed trying to keep my emotion flat as I answered him.

  
“Father Finick wants to see me after school. He’s going to drive me home,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head and chewing his lip, “Want me to stay after with you?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I’d rather you didn’t. He honestly isn’t horrible. He just has a thing with…huh, stuff.”

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “You’ll call me when you get home?”

  
“Yeah, for sure,” I answered as we finally made it to the classroom door finding Cole and Tosh standing outside of it.

  
“You have this class too Tosh?” Pat asked walking up.

  
“Yes,” Tosh answered seeming a little less enthusiastic then he had the morning.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked him.

  
“Lost my huh how do you say? Takai like happy feeling from my pills?” Tosh said.

  
“He means he’s not high anymore,” Cole said stifling a laugh.

  
“He was high? Oh, thank god,” I said before I could stop myself and both Pat and Cole started laughing hysterically.

  
“What? He was a little too excited for you the morning John?” Cole teased.

  
“A little?” I asked shaking my head, “Try a lot.”

  
“Sorry,” Tosh mumbled, “Yeah usually I’m not high just really nervous?” Tosh said giving Cole a questioning look.

  
“Yes Tosh, nervous is probably what you are looking for,” Cole said, “He’s not bad at English some words are very different though.”

  
“Yeah, I know,” I said, “I mean I may not be Japanese but I’ve heard it’s a hard language to learn.”

  
“NO!” Tosh said forcefully, “English is crazy.”

  
“Dom would agree with you there,” I said.

  
“You and Dom have talked about languages?” Cole asked me.

  
“Not a lot but he did teach me a swear that he likes to use that sounds fun and I’m not sure exactly what it means but I think one part of it is Christ.” I said laughing a little bit.

  
“Oh, that’s not good,” Cole said smiling, “When did he use it?”

  
“In the hospital, all the time. Someone would say something, usually one of the staff and he’d say Chertov Khristos however it goes. He once said something that I didn’t catch and then decided to change to French which I didn’t even know he knew French,” I said.

  
“I didn’t either that’s impressive, 3 languages,” Pat commented.

  
“I speak two fluently. Not that anyone would ever know and then bits and pieces of four all together. I know some Gaelic of course having a mum that’s Irish and then I speak French and English and some Italian,” I answered.

  
“So, what did he say in French?” Cole asked smirking.

  
“Gardez vos mains pour vous trou du cul,” I answered.

  
“And that means?” Asked Pat.

  
“Keep your hands to yourself asshole,” I said smiling, “It’s a long story but yeah he got into trouble for it.”

  
“Which part?” Cole asked laughing into his hand.

  
“All of it really but the asshole part probably was the big part that did it,” I answered.

  
“How do you say asshole in French?” Cole asked.

  
“Trou du cul,” I answered, “The literally translation is hole of the ass but you know same thing…”

  
“That’s awesome I have to remember that,” Cole said laughing.

  
“Don’t. You’ll get me in trouble. Pas de problèmes s'il vous plait,” I said.

  
“Don’t worry they won’t figure it out and he’ll forget what it means in about half an hour,” Pat said.

  
“Hey more like an hour but yeah,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Is anyone ready for this class? Pat?” Tosh asked.

  
“As ready as I’ll ever be. He’s going to be eye fucking me the entire time probably,” Pat answered.

  
“Eye fucking?” Tosh asked.

  
“Giving him sex eyes,” Cole translated.

  
“OH! I hate that look. They are dirty men,” Tosh said frowning.

  
“You have no idea Tosh,” Pat said shaking his head, “Is Dom supposed to be in this class too?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Guys,” Chad said walking up to us making me shoot him a dirty look, “Whose got your panties in a twist five?”

  
“Trou du cul,” I hissed causing Cole to snort.

  
“Cole you’re not a five,” Pat scoffed.

  
“I’m sorry it’s too good. You know any more John?” Cole asked me.

  
“Yeah but I’m not repeating them in the middle of the school hallway because I’m pretty sure one of these trou du cules speaks French,” I answered.

  
“You shit,” Chad shaking his head.

  
“I’m a shit?” I asked scoffing, “Really, after what you did? You think I’m a shit?”

  
“What I did? And what is it I did? Please tell me,” Chad said.

  
“Well think about who I’m friends with and then tell me what it is you did and I’ll let you know if you’re right,” I said as I saw his face get pensive.

  
“Oh, that doesn’t concern you,” he said, “I was drunk not my fault he was there.”

  
“Huh, that’s really funny considering how often I’ve been drunk and have managed to not be an asshole,” I answered.

  
“So? sue me,” Chad replied.

  
“What did he do?” Cole asked.

  
“You know how badly he treats Dom,” I answered, “There’s a reason Dom is afraid of him and he’s a major asshole. Chad here has a crush.”

  
“Crush? You think I have a crush on him because I enjoy bothering him? Because I want his mouth wrapped around my…”

  
“Gentlemen! I have no idea what you are talking about but don’t be vulgar!” Father McClairen said poking his head out the door, “Come inside.”

  
“Nice move guys,” Chad scoffed.

  
“Hey, you started it years ago,” I answered.

  
“Yeah because you know I’m that amazing,” Chad answered.

  
“No, he was 11,” I shot back.

  
“Woah,” Tosh said looking at us while Cole and Pat stood there silently watching us.

  
“I don’t like my business being shared publicly and if he’s your friend you know very well he doesn’t either so why don’t you keep going?” Chad said, “See how long you stay friends when I tell him you told everyone.”

  
“I honestly don’t know what he’s telling us but whatever his problem is with you I’m behind him 100%,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah because you want your dick in his ass,” Chad said smirking, “Or is that not true? Because watching you two from a distance it looks true.”

  
At that point Father McClairen sighed and shut and locked the classroom door, “Rank racket really guys? Here of all place? All of you shut your fucking mouths and Pat by the way isn’t doing anything with anyone. At least he better not be.”

  
“I’m not Gus. You know that,” Pat hissed.

  
“Good,” Father McClairen said, “And watch that while we’re here by the way.”

  
“I’m aware. Thank you,” Pat said.

  
“Oh…,” was all Chad said his eyes darting fast between Father McClairen and Pat like he understood what was going on.

  
“Ok everyone hold off. You want to get into this wait until Saturday when you’re locked in a room with guys in the same situation and then you can all have a fucking brawl for all I care but keep it locked up at school you got it?” McClairen hissed.

  
“Yes sir,” Chad said.

  
“Understood,” Pat said.

  
“Sorry sir,” I answered.

  
“Hey Tosh and I were just bystanders but yeah, I got it,” Cole replied

  
“I’m good,” Tosh answered swiftly.

  
“Good. As long as we are all very clear on that I will unlock the door and class can get started shortly,” Father McClairen said unlocking the classroom door.

  
We all sat down and he started writing something quickly on the board. The first half of the class went by fast and the whole entire time I felt like he was going to ask someone to stay in the classroom for lunch but he didn’t. Instead everyone left the room and Chad immediately went to find his groupies.

  
“Can you tell me what that was all about?” Pat asked me.

  
“I’m not sure I should,” I answered, “He’s right I shouldn’t have said anything because Dom wouldn’t be comfortable with people knowing.”

  
“It’s just me. You know I won’t tell anyone,” Pat said.

  
“When Dom was 11 him and Chad had a thing like we had a thing. It went bad. Chad turned bad and he wasn’t very nice to Dom after that.” I answered trying to be vague.

  
“You mean he…” Pat started to ask and I nodded my head.

“He cornered Dom in the bathroom once with me there and I saw the way he was looking at him. I know what that look means because I see it constantly. Chad is not just an asshole he’s a fucking asshole. He hurt him and Dom is terrified of him. Dom will never admit it out right but he is,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Dom doesn’t go anywhere alone from now on all right?”

  
I nodded my head, “Should I tell him that?”

  
“No,” Pat said, “Don’t say anything. We’ll just keep a close eye on him when he gets back. Something bad is going on.”

  
“That’s what Alec told me. He said it’s like being on lock down since my mum got us out. You think they’re mad?” I asked.

  
“We’d have to ask Vic about that but yeah I don’t imagine they were happy about what your mum did. Taking you guys away. You have to understand they don’t view us as people we’re not people to them, we’re property. She took their property and not just one but 10. That’s something that would make them pretty pissed I’d imagine.” Pat answered, “You’re going to eat today.”

  
He didn’t ask me, he told me I was going to eat. I had been planning on it but I wasn’t looking forward to any alone time with Finick after school. Knowing what he was probably planning to do. I did manage to eat, Pat holding my hand under the table as I ate a sandwich and an apple for lunch. It felt filling enough. I wanted him to sneak me away somewhere and kiss me, feel his lips against my neck, his hands on my skin.

  
“I’m going to go the bathroom,” I said standing up looking at Pat wondering if he would follow me.

  
I threw away my trash on the way to the bathroom and sure enough he was following me. When I got into the bathroom he opened the door and turned around locking it since there was no one in there and before I could stop myself I had him pinned against the wall his hands sliding down my back as I kissed him. God, it felt amazing. I wanted him. I wanted to be inside him, to feel his skin against my skin. To do what we had done in the pool together. He rolled his tongue across mine smiling at me.

  
“You wanted some alone time with me?” He asked me putting his hand gently on the back of my neck pressing our foreheads together making my breath catch in my throat for just a second. Making me flash back to Leo how he had forced me to do that the last time he had raped me. The anxiety it caused forcing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath reopening them and focusing on Pat. On his eyes, the color of the Ocean and his hair that smelled like pretzels and chocolate. To focus on the hole where he lip ring belonged right underneath the right side of his bottom lip, on his smile that curled just slightly upward.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I hate them.”

  
“I know Rabbit, me too. Are you ok?” He asked me rubbing his nose against mine.

  
“I’m ok now,” I answered hugging him tightly around the waist, “How long until we’re done with this?”

  
“You mean me and Gus? January,” Pat answered, “What about you?”

  
“Same, at least for now,” I answered feeling like there was a lump in my throat, “I think he …he’s not going to let me go.”

  
“What do you mean Rabbit?” He asked me.

  
“He said he keeps the same person for years,” I answered, “He told me I’m in his sweet spot. His range he’s horrible. He took a metal thing and he shoved it inside me and it hurt, it burned and then he moved it in and out and I just remember it hurting and then that horrible feeling you get when they’re down there…over and over… It still hurts to use the bathroom.”

  
“When you mean inside you, you’re not talking about your asshole are you?” He asked me quietly.

  
I shook my head, “I didn’t even know anyone could stick something in there like that. It hurt so bad Pat. He’s mean like, I thought my Da was mean. Leo is really mean. I think he likes it when I scream. When I can’t control it. They make me hate myself.”

  
“I’m sorry he did that to you,” Pat said and I could see his eyes were wet, “I’m so sorry Rabbit I really am. Did he tell you why he wanted you and not someone else? He could have any of us so why you?”

  
“He said it was my personality. The video with my Da, that I was everything he was looking for. That I was quiet and obedient,” I answered.

  
“You are anything but obedient,” Pat said, “You’re surviving. That’s what you’re doing. That doesn’t make you obedient that makes you complacent. That means you’re doing something because you have to. Being obedient means you’re doing something because you want to, because you’re willing to and you aren’t willing to do this. I know you aren’t.”

  
“But what if…what if he knows?” I asked barely a whisper.

  
“Knows what?” Pat asked back.

  
“Knows that it …I can’t,” I said shaking my head. I couldn’t voice that fear. I couldn’t admit that it felt good. I didn’t want anyone to know because that meant I deserved it. That I wanted it to happen.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head our foreheads still pressed together, “Ok. I love you thank you for trusting me.”

  
“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I answered, “It’s that I don’t trust me.”

  
“Why not?” He asked me.

  
“Maybe they’re right? Maybe everything him and Da say is true and I’m just lying to myself,” I answered.

  
“No. You know how you feel better than anyone else. Don’t let them confuse you ok? Don’t let them make you think they know what you want because they don’t and they don’t care what you want. They just know and care about what they want. Just like my Dad. He beats you not because you want to be beaten but because he likes beating you, he likes hurting you. Torturing you, making you do those things. That doesn’t mean you want them to happen. Same with your dad and same with Leo and any of them,” Pat insisted, “I know you Rabbit. I know you don’t want this. I know you’d rather they never even look at you let alone do the stuff they do to you.”

  
“You promise?” I asked.

  
“Yes, Rabbit, I swear it to you,” Pat said, “I swear to you. You don’t want this and I know you don’t want this and deep down you know you don’t want this. Even if right now they have your whole brain turned upside down and doubting everything ok? I promise.”

  
“You don’t think I’m sick? That there is something wrong with me?” I asked him almost crying.

  
“No,” Pat shook his head running a hand through my hair, “never.”

  
“I just want them to leave me alone,” I said finally allowing the tears to spill. Allowing myself to cry.

  
While I was scared and whiny I hardly ever cried unless it was during or after one of my assaults. In between I suffered from fits of violence, anger and tantrums but didn’t really cry. If I wasn’t angry or with my siblings I was numb. Horribly comfortably numb. Pat was really the only person that made me feel anything other than angry, him and Dom. Even Cole for some reason didn’t have that impact on me. Not like Pat and Dom could. However, there were things I could tell Dom that I couldn’t ever talk to Pat about. And Pat, Pat made something inside me feel alive, crave interaction and physical touch where that was usually something I didn’t want.

  
“I know Rabbit, and one day they will. I swear to you if I have to take you away to a deserted Island and hide you from everyone forever, one day they will leave you alone. I promise,” he told me as the bell rang. He sighed looking at me sadly, “Here let me fix your face.” He said grabbing paper towel and wetting it before rubbing my face down with it kissing my cheeks before he placed a gentle kiss on my lips, “Are you ready to go back to class?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I answered, “I don’t know. I feel…”

  
“Exposed?” He asked me, “It’s ok. No one can see it but me I promise and I’m not going to tell anyone.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m ready to go back to class, are you?”

  
“Ready to sit in a room with Gus?” Pat said shaking his head, “That hasn’t gone anywhere good all summer so no but I’ll survive.”

  
“You sure?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Pat said, “Let’s go,” he said unlocking the bathroom door and we walked out.

  
He didn’t hold my hand on the way to the classroom and when we got there we sat down at our seats and he squeezed my hand tightly under the table. McClairen’s eyes looking at both of us closely. I don’t remember thinking for the rest of the class. Just seeing his eyes. Those cold steel grey eyes watching us almost like he was daring us to do something. To make him angry, give him an excuse to keep us after school.

  
I felt like my heart wasn’t beating the whole entire time we were in there. My brain fighting hard not to go back to that place. That place where he made me do things with him. How he had made me get on my knees on the table in the back of the classroom that was still there, how he had pushed hard into me, making it so hard not to scream out in pain.

  
By the time the class was over just looking at him was sending me into terrified shivers. And Pat had been made to deal with him all summer. The thought made me feel like such a failure, knowing that I was so weak I could barely handle him once let alone repeatedly.

  
When the bell Rang Pat took off in a different direction but I went towards Dunbee’s being the first one to get there because I didn’t feel like stopping at my locker. I sat down in the front row quietly while Dunbee was doing work at his desk.


	23. 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is finally home after his hospital stay and weekend with Leo. He takes to William and learns about things that are happening at home. He sees what things have changed and it causes his anxiety to increase him doing something he hasn't done since leaving for Montana after Da welcomes him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 419 to 441. Only 694 pages left before the end of part 2 so yay for you guys. **Warnings** Rape/Non-con, talk of child sexual abuse, anxiety, mental health issues, underage drinking, talk of priest abuse.

“Mr. McGregor?” Father Dunbee said frowning, “I am pleased to see you however also very displeased. I had heard you had moved and circumstances had improved for you. Was I mistaken?”

  
“No, Father. I was in Montana with my mum and siblings for a while but, I’m back,” I replied.

  
“I’m sorry to see that,” he answered, “And are things the same as they were before?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders. What was I supposed to do? Admit it was worse than before? That I was signed up to be abused in some dude’s apartment every weekend for the next six months? I would rather not think about that, let alone talk about it. I felt like I had talked about it enough with Pat.

  
“Are you still struggling?” He asked me.

  
“I’m trying not to,” I answered.

  
“All of the most courageous people struggle my son. Even Abraham faced great struggles and God loved him most of all,” Father Dunbee told me.

  
“Not like this father,” I answered.

  
“No,” Father Dunbee answered nodding his head, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. You may be suffering in a way that Abraham does not know but God knows of your suffering. It is for a reason and when the time comes he will erase that suffering from you. He will restore you within his kingdom and take every broken piece of you and make you whole again. Ask for his help. Ask for his guidance and strength in your struggles. He will listen to your problems and give you solace. Even if it’s not what you are looking for.”

  
“I don’t want to be whole. I don’t expect to be whole. I just want peace,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ask him for peace, and he will help you find it, “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Ask and you shall receive,” Father Dunbee said.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “That’s not how this works. Father I don’t know if you realize but it wasn’t just Barren, it’s…”

  
“Shhh my child,” Father Dunbee said, “Don’t worry about such things. Slide the name into my mailbox by the door at the end of class and I will see what I can do to help god alleviate your suffering all right?”

  
“What if it’s not someone here?” I asked him.

  
He sighed peering down his nose at me coming over to the desk next to mine and sitting down so that he could speak quietly, “Then you tell me and I will do what I can to make sure I draw the attention of the right authorities all right? Is this person hurting you someone you are related to?”

  
“Never mind father,” I answered, “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

  
He sighed getting ready to speak again but someone entered the room causing him to smile at me sadly as he got up and went back to the front of the classroom. I felt naked, like I had said too much. I was tired of feeling naked and scared of Finick and what he would do to me when I was done here and how bad that was going to be. I was so tired I could have just curled up into a ball and slept for the rest of my life and that was the only relief I could really see happening. The only peace I felt God would ever give me.

  
I don’t remember what even happened in that class that day. My whole body feeling sick and tired and hopeless. Knowing that Father Finick was going to molest me. Probably blow me, maybe even rape me. I couldn’t deal with anymore after a while and just put my head down trying hide the fact that I was upset, that I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. When the bell rang I kept my head down until the very last second when it sounded like everyone was gone and then lifted my head up to look around.

  
“Ok my child,” Father Dunbee said sitting down next to me again, “Give me the names on a slip of paper they won’t ever know it’s you. I’ll see what I can do. I can’t promise it will be enough, it may be nothing at all but prayers but you have my support and know God knows the truth all right?”

  
I just nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say. I knew there wasn’t really anything he could do. That he had already probably done everything he could by getting rid of father Barren. I figured I should do what he said though. I pulled out a piece of paper as he walked away my heart racing as I thought about what names I should write down.

  
I took a deep breath and made my list, “Gus, McClairen, Todd Finick, Leo Swartzman, Connor McGregor, Ben McGregor, Hank Kingly and the rest I didn’t fill in because I wasn’t sure if he would be able to anything about the names I had given him let alone if the others would actually matter and then I got up and slipped the paper in the mailbox next to the door of his classroom.

  
“Thank you, father, for listening,” I said quietly not looking him in the eyes.

  
“No problem,” he said, “I’m not the only who listens. Know that God will always listen to you.”

  
“Thank you,” I said nodding my head and grabbing my bag leaving the classroom behind. The only classroom where I ever really felt safe.

  
I walked down the hall and turned the corner going down the next long hallway to Finick’s room. When I got there the door was open and he was sitting at his desk going through papers. I sat down at my desk barely able to breathe and he looked up and smiled at me going over and shutting the door and locking it.

  
“Come here,” he said using his finger to beckon me towards him.

  
“What are going to do?” I asked him.

  
“Well you remember the fun we had with Dom, right?” He asked me.

  
“I remember,” I answered.

  
“Not nearly as snarky as you were last year. What changed?” He asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t going to talk about Leo. Or my Da. I knew they had changed me, that I was more serious than I had been before. That I was quieter, more skittish but I didn’t know what to do about it. How to change back.

  
“Oh well, does that mean you’re a good boy now?” He asked me, “Like last time you cooperated even though I could sense you were very angry about it.”

  
“Wouldn’t you be?” I asked him, “Someone shoving your junk in their mouth when you don’t want them to?”

  
“Oh, there you are,” Finick said smiling like he was amused, “I really want to see what you are like at a Villa party. Do you swear at all the guys and get your name thrown in that that glass orb or do you scream and beg them to stop?”

  
I felt my face fall his words reminding me of the coming weekend, of the plans that had been set for me. I didn’t want to have to think about that. Not yet. I shook my head.

  
“Have you ever been to the Villa?” I asked him.

  
“A few times,” he said, “Why are you asking?”

  
“Just curious to see what a sick fuck you are,” I answered honestly and he laughed.

  
“Yeah, I like you better this way. I like a little fight, feeling someone wiggle to free themselves underneath me. It fulfills this animal urge I have to completely and totally dominate someone,” he told me coming over to me because I still hadn’t moved towards him.

  
“Please don’t,” I said getting up and from my seat and moving away from him, “Please just don’t.”

  
“I won’t hurt, not this time,” he answered coming towards me making me feel trapped like a cornered stray dog.

  
“No,” I shook my head as he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist causing me to push at him, trying to get him to stop.

  
I was only 13. I wasn’t any match for him, for his size. I was only 5’4 and weighted maybe 104 pounds and here was full grown man in his early 40’s who was a priest, who was respected and had authority and control over me. He might not have been as physically fit as Leo or my Da or as young but, 40 is not that old. 40 is still young enough. You are stronger and faster and smarter than a 13-year-old boy.

  
“It’s ok beautiful,” he said stroking my cheek, “I’ll make it feel nice. I just want to show you how special you are. How amazing you are.”

  
“No,” I said again shaking my head as he grabbed my wrists and squeezed.

  
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want another one of them to touch me. His hand went to my belt and I didn’t something I had never really done before and I don’t know where it came from. I started screaming.

  
“STOP! I SAID NO!” I screamed as loud as I could earning me a sharp smack across my face as I heard commotion out in the hallway.

  
“You want to be loud? Fine, that’s perfectly fine,” he hissed at me, “You can find your own way home. I’ll be talking to your father and I’ll see you this weekend where you can be as loud as you damn well please because if I can get the money together to sponsor you I’ll take you the back room and fuck you in every hole you have and when I say every hole I mean every hole. Now go.”

  
I didn’t wait for him to clarify but grabbed my bag and unlocked the door and ran for it. I literally booked it as fast as I could. Not stopping until I was far away from the building and half way to the park that marked the midpoint between school and home.  
Once I got to the park I sat down. I didn’t sit down on a swing or a bench but in the grass because I was tired my body was sore. My mind was beyond exhausted and I kind of just wanted everything to stop again. I sat there knowing I was on my way home. That while I would get to see my brothers and sisters I would be going back to my Da and whatever it was he wanted to do to me. Or worse yet having to watch him do it to someone else. I laid back trying to relax running my hand through the grass beside me when suddenly I heard a whistle and this little white dog with curly fur came running up into my face licking me excitedly.

  
I sat up looking around and there was a man with grey hair and brown eyes coming towards me laughing, “Sorry about that, she’s friendly,” he said.

  
“It’s ok,” I answered watching the guy carefully, standing up.

  
“Do you live around here?” He asked me.

  
“I huh, don’t live too far away why?” I asked.

  
“Well, I could give you a ride if you like. A ride home,” he answered.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Thanks I’m fine.”

  
“You sure? It’s getting kind of late to be walking home from school. How old are you? 12?” He asked me.

  
“13,” I answered, “I’m ok really it’s not too much farther.”

  
“You sure? Do you want to make a phone call? You can walk over to my house if you want, it’s right across the street, use my phone,” he said.

  
“Don’t hurt me,” I said backing up a little bit.

  
“I wouldn’t hurt you. Why would anyone want to hurt a handsome boy like you?” he asked me.

  
“I don’t want to,” I answered.

  
“I could never hurt someone as beautiful as you. Why are you so nervous?” He asked me.

  
“I’m going to go,” I said backing away.

  
“Wait, that look I’ve seen that look before. Where do I know you from?” He asked me.

  
“Do you go to church at saint Matthews?” I asked him.

  
“No, I’m thinking,” he said that look in his eyes.

  
“I’m going to go,” I answered.

  
“No, wait,” he said his eyes getting a look of dawning in them, “That’s where I know you from. Where’s your dad pretty?”

  
I turned and I ran. I didn’t want to do deal with whoever this was because he would hurt me. If he knew something like that he would hurt me. I didn’t know this guy. I had never seen him before but he had obviously seen me. I walked down the street looking behind me wondering if he was following me but it didn’t seem like it.

  
Once I got to my neighborhood I slowed to a walk, passing Pat’s house wanting to stop by say hi but knowing it was dangerous. That it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to be considering Hank could be there, or Arthur so I kept walking. It took me maybe 10 minutes from there to get home. I walked up the drive way and didn’t have a chance to open the door my Da coming out to greet me before I could make it all the way there.

  
“Hi John,” he said his eyes cold, hard.

  
“Hi, Da,” I replied quietly.

  
“You want to tell me what happened with Finick? Why he didn’t drive you home?” He hissed.

  
“He called you?” I asked not looking at him.

  
“YES! Yes, Johnathan he called me,” he shouted before calming down, “You want to explain to me why you thought it was a good idea to be loud in a public place where you could draw attention?”

  
“I’m sorry,” I answered, “I’m sore ok? I didn’t want him to do that.”

  
“Like you get a choice?” He hissed, “We’ve been over this you do what you’re told or you pay the price. You want me to call Hank? I’ll call Leo he’ll allow it, I promise you. You know how hard Leo worked to get Finick as your teacher so you can pass? So, you don’t have to spend all weekend doing school work?”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said again.

  
“It’s not your body it’s mine. If I say Finick can do that he’s allowed to and Leo and I agreed it would be a good idea. It will give you less school work to worry about so tomorrow you need to be quiet,” Da warned me, “If you pull this again I will get Hank and it will hurt. You know it will hurt.”

  
“Are you going to make me…?”

  
“No, you’re Leo’s I have other things to entertain me,” he said, “Go.”

  
I ran upstairs not wanting to cry, my emotions somewhere between relieved and scared. I went up to the fourth floor in the lift to find it mostly quiet. The babies were all down for their afternoon nap and James, Mike and Matt along with Catty were not back from school yet even though they would be soon. Will looked up from his school work at the kitchen table.

  
“Why weren’t you on the bus?” He asked me.

  
“I walked home,” I answered.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“You?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Will said closing his book and putting his pencil down, “Do you really want to know what happened while you were gone?”

  
“I’m scared to hear,” I answered.

  
“Well, Da only let me out of his room because school started,” Will answered, “I walked in on Mike and Matt and uncle Ben and it was…something that made me want to rip my eyeballs out with a spoon. James cries for mum and for you. Da gave me a queen-sized bed and I’m not really sure what that means. He had two delivered on Sunday after mass. Huh, Catty is spending a lot of time in her room by herself. I don’t know. I have a question for you,” he said looking at me harshly.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“What on earth made you think trying to kill yourself was a good idea?” He blurted out, “I’m not blaming you for this because I figured this was coming the moment we got back all of it but honestly John? Leaving us here to deal with this pile of shit by ourselves no you, no mum no one. How does that even seem like a remotely smart idea?”

  
“I wasn’t thinking when I did it ok? I just wanted it to stop,” I answered.

  
“We all want it to stop,” Will said, “You know any of us that like it?”

  
“NO! Will I know you don’t ok? Has he raped you four times in one day? Has he let Uncle Ben…on top of everything? I just wanted to not have to feel them anymore, all right? I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I was just thinking I needed a break and that was the only way to get one and I was wrong. All right I was very very wrong. Trust me I learned my lesson and that is something I will never do again or if I do I will make sure I don’t fail. You think here is bad you should try that fucking nightmare they call a hospital. In the end, I begged Leo to let me out.” I answered.

  
“What do you mean you begged Leo to let you out?” Will asked quietly as I sat down at the table.

  
“Trust me you don’t want to ever go there,” I replied.

  
“What’s it like?” Will asked me.

  
“It sucks. Staff there is just like Hank or Da or whoever it is they have to be to convince you killing yourself is not a good idea. It’s full of people like us. Boys like us and they hate you because you have a five on your hip instead of a one,” I answered, “You don’t have anyone. I was lucky Dom was in there with me and this other guy actually seemed to understand me but otherwise I was alone.”

  
“Did you get to see or talk to mum? How is she?” He asked me.

  
“I saw her. She looked half dead,” I answered, “I didn’t get to talk to her though. Outside of the people there I got to talk to Da and I was allowed to call Pat once and then talked to him on the phone because Dom called him for me a couple of times.”  
“Do you know when she’s coming back?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I answered, “When she does get back though don’t expect her to really help though. When she saw me, I don’t even think she recognized me.”

  
“You were at Leo’s during the weekend?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered sighing, “It is what it is I guess. Every weekend for the next six months.”

  
“What’s he like?” Will asked me suddenly, “I mean I’m not trying to be nosy but I’ve only seen him like three times and he’s never…not to me.”

  
“He’s bad,” I answered simply, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  
“Is he like Da?” Will asked me suddenly only glancing at me quickly before he glanced away.

  
I still didn’t want to talk about it. Talk about what Da was like even though Will knew by now. The things he said the way he could make you feel about it. Like you had asked him to, like it was your fault. I nodded my head just as I heard little scurrying steps coming up the hallway.

  
“JACK!!!!” Laura screamed happily a blur of soft red hair and sky blue throwing herself at me, “You were gone but now you’re back?”

  
“Yes, I’m back,” I said pulling her up into my lap, “How are you?”

  
“I played tea party and Andy smashed the tea with a boom,” She told me frowning.

  
“Well that was mean of him,” I replied.

  
“Yeah but it’s ok because the tea cup was plastic,” she told me.

  
“Oh well if it was plastic and it didn’t break that’s good then, right?” I asked her.

  
“Right,” she replied nodding her head, “You were gone for a long time.”

  
“Yes, I was,” I agreed.

  
“Why did you go?” She asked me.

  
“Well, I was sick and I went somewhere to help me get better,” I answered.

  
“So, you’re better now?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered trying to keep it simple.

  
She was only two. She wouldn’t understand what suicide or mental illness was and I was very sure Da hadn’t touched any of them yet. My hope was that he never would. I didn’t want Da to ever touch any of them and my hope was if I could find a way to please him, to keep him happy with just me he would leave everyone else alone. The thought of him even touching James and Catty broke my heart and I knew he was doing that. That he had already allowed other people to do those type of things to James. James was due home from school and I was afraid to see how much he had changed. Knowing that Mr. Lord had been to see him at least once. That he was just little, younger than I had been my first time.

  
“Good,” she said happily as the boys came around the corner with Alice in tow.

  
“John, it’s good to see you sugar,” Alice said smiling at me, “How are you feeling?”

  
“I’m all right,” I answered.

  
I still didn’t trust her, didn’t like her. She treated my siblings well but obviously didn’t understand where I was. Didn’t get the choices I made and the fact that those choices were made for them. To protect them, my children, my babies. Because god knows my Da was never a Da to them, he was a monster, a shadow that made them fear the dark. The thing that was always there and never talked about.

  
“Can I show you my toy?” Andy asked me.

  
“You got a new toy?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, it’s a nice toy,” he told me.

  
“Ok, I’ll come see it,” I said standing up carrying Laura in my arms as we went down the hallway.

  
“Oh, honey. You don’t need to bother your brother, Andrew,” Alice said sighing.

  
“Alice it’s not problem,” I said following him down the hallway, “Really.”

  
“Yay,” he said running ahead of us to the nursery.

  
Went we entered I noticed not just one new toy but lots of new toys. A doll house in one corner with new dolls. Very interact and beautiful and next to it a whole hot wheel track with shiny new hot wheels in a little plastic bin next to them which Andy threw himself down on the ground next to.

  
“I can only play with them with Alice because Macky tries to eat his sometimes,” Andy said to me.

  
“Who got them for you?” I asked looking at him.

  
“Daddy said Uncle Benny and Hank,” Andy said and I felt the color drain from my face.

  
“What?” I asked looking at Alice.

  
“You’re Uncle Ben and his friend Hank. They’ve been spending lots of time ever here this past week,” she answered shrugging her shoulders as I set Laura down carefully so I didn’t drop her.

  
“Can I talk to you out in the hallway?” I asked Alice.

  
“Actually, your room would be best I think,” she told me and I nodded my head.

  
When I opened the door to my room I expected everything to be the same but my room was different. More adult. I had a black bedroom set with a black iron headboard the bars spaced a good distance apart instead of the solid oak one I had when I left for the hospital. The bed was queen sized.

  
“What happened to my room?” I asked Alice.

  
“Your Daddy had it changed,” she told me, “I told him you might be upset but your Daddy doesn’t listen to me about anything.”

  
“Why has Hank been here near them? Hank shouldn’t be anywhere near them ever,” I hissed ignoring my room for the moment, trying to ignore what it implicated.

  
“I can’t stop your Daddy from letting his friends see them,” she answered me, “They haven’t been alone in a room with him though.”

  
“So, you know then?” I scoffed at her, “You know how stupid that is? You think because they’re little that’s going to stop them from hurting them? Because trust me especially with my Uncle it won’t.”

  
“There is nothing I can do about it. It’s either my job and no one being here for them to remotely keep them safe or its allowing your Daddy to be in charge. If I keep my mouth shut I can make sure someone is here to watch over them even if I can’t stop it,” Alice explained herself.

  
“Why and where were you Tuesday?” I asked her.

  
“Tuesday?” she asked me.

  
“Yes, Tuesday. Think really hard but I might have heard what happened when I called and got Mikey on the phone?” I hissed at her.

  
“I don’t know I get off at 5pm. After that your Daddy is in charge and he comes up here and takes care of the kids,” she said, “Everyone seemed fine when I got in at 7 the next morning.”

  
“Who bathes them?” I asked her.

  
“Your Daddy,” she answered me.

  
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You know what he is! YOU KNOW AND YET YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH HIM!”

  
“He’s the one in charge. He’s their father, not you. I can’t tell him what he can and cannot do with his own children. If I go to the police with anything I suspect or you like to say I know I will be gone I will disappear and I have my own children to take care of. I have to look the other way here. I’m sorry.”

  
“He’s been…” I shook my head not even able to verbalize my fear that he had already been doing things to them. Doing the things that he did to me when I was little to them.

  
“I’ve asked them and he’s not,” she answered me, trying to quiet my worries.

  
“You asked them?” I enquired shocked that she would do that.

  
“Yes, I asked them,” she said, “I asked them if he had touched them somewhere that didn’t feel right or made them nervous and they all answered no.”

  
“What about everyone else? Cat, James?” I asked.

  
“I haven’t asked them,” she answered.

  
“Do they not matter?” I asked her.

  
“No, they matter. You all matter I just can’t keep an eye on everyone,” she said.

  
“I managed to for nearly seven months,” I said, “You’re shift is almost over, isn’t it?” I asked her.

  
“I’m going to throw the meatloaf in the oven and by the time it’s done it’ll be time for me to leave yes,” she answered.

  
“You can leave early. James and Cat are due home any minute. Just let me know when to take it out,” I told her.

  
“I can’t do that John, your Dad dismisses me for the day not you,” she told me, “I’ll leave at the time I’m supposed to unless he says otherwise.”

  
“Fine,” I said walking away.

  
A couple minutes later Mike, Matt and James and Cat all came upstairs using the lift and all sat down at the table quietly Cat looking up at me and smiling happily when she saw me.

  
“Hi,” she said coming over to me and hugging me.

  
“Hi how are you doing?” I asked her.

  
“I’m ok,” she answered, “Will said you were so sad you needed a doctor to help you.”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m better now though.”

  
“Good,” she said hugging me tightly around the neck.

  
“What about you James?” I asked.

  
He looked at me tired. Like he didn’t want to think about it, dark circles under his eyes almost like he could fall asleep just sitting there. He sighed.

  
“I’m ok,” he answered me.

  
“Hey, are you tired?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know,” he said, “I have homework.”

  
“Can I talk to you a little bit?” I asked him.

  
“Where?” He asked me.

  
“My room?” I asked him, “Or yours.”

  
“I don’t know,” he told me his body language changing.

  
He was scared of me. Scared I was going to hurt him. Scared that I was like Da, like Da’s friends. I didn’t want him to be scared of me but I wasn’t sure what to do exactly having never dealt with Mikey or Matty or Will ever being afraid of me.

  
“Hey, we’ll leave the door open all right?” I asked him as I shot a dirty look at Alice who obviously didn’t have the best intentions for my family.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head and getting up following me to his bedroom and sitting on his bed.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him quietly making sure I sat a little bit away to give him space, to allow him control.

  
“Mr. Lord came to see me,” he said his shoulders looking like they were sagging with weight, a heavy burden that was hard for him to handle, “He’s mean.”

  
. “I know,” I said nodding my head, “I know he’s mean. Do you remember when I was there?”

  
“Yeah, your friend told me to build my castle,” James said nodding his head, “I try it’s just hard when he…” he started sobbing not even crying just out right sobbing.

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head trying not cry myself, “I know.”

  
He crawled over to me and threw his tiny arms around my neck. I held him. I held him as he sobbed until he started to hiccup lightly as his sobs started to quiet down. I wished so badly there was something I could do. It made me beyond angry that my Da would use my absence to invite Mr. Lord here to hurt my little brother. To do those things to him.

  
“I know, you’re safe right now I promise. You’re safe,” I cooed into his ear rocking him back and forth lightly.

  
“It hurts so bad,” he whimpered again.

  
“I know. I remember, I know,” I said kissing his hair.

  
“Da hurts you like that?” He asked me after he started to quiet again.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, not looking at him, “Yeah I was little like you when he started hurting me.”

  
“Like the first time he hurt me? He only ever did it once but now he lets…I don’t like Mr. Lord I want him to go away,” he moaned burying his head in my lap.

  
“Me too,” I agreed, “How many times has he come to see you?”

  
“Christmas and this time,” he answered, “This time he hurt a lot. Does it always hurt like that?”

  
I sighed. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. What to tell him because I didn’t know what he could expect, only what I had learned. That everyone was treated differently. That even Will and I were treated differently and we were brothers. I remembered the first few times hurt a lot but that after that he hurt less and less until Da made it hurt differently. Until he changed it so it was slow, until it…became more what it was at that current time.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered as honestly as I could.

  
“Why is it no one knows anything?” He asked me frowning, “I hate Da and I hate this!” He yelled pushing me away roughly and getting up.

  
“James,” I said, “James, I’m sorry. I don’t have an answer. I wish I did, I wish I could make them stop but I can’t.”

  
“You’re big you can and you don’t,” he hissed at me.

  
“No, I can’t,” I said feeling like I had been punched in the stomach, “I try. I do. You know what they do to you? They still do that stuff to me. And it hurts and it’s not just Da or one person it’s a lot of people ok? And I try to…I tell them no. I scream and hit and cry and they’re too big even for me ok? I try. I really do and it just… I’m not strong enough.”

  
“You do?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I don’t like it either. You know I don’t like it,” I answered.

  
“Why do they do it?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“I don’t know. I wish I could give you an answer bud but, I don’t have one. I think maybe they just like hurting us,” I answered.

  
“Why?” He asked again.

  
“I think some people just like being mean,” I answered, “Ok, I think you should take a nap that you’ll feel better ok? So, nap and I’ll help you with your homework when you wake up after dinner is ready.”

  
“You promise?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I promise,” I answered.

  
I tucked him in as he settled in quietly. I was home maybe only for a couple of days but still home and I was going to spent it putting things back together. Pulling my brothers back together emotionally as best I could.

  
I was worried about Catty too but something about my Da, maybe it was the way he talked to me always made it feel like my sisters were a second thought. So, I was less worried about Cat and Laura then I was about everyone else. Because while Da touched Cat it seemed almost like he either didn’t see her the same way or she was more prized and precious then we were. Us boys, he passed us around out to our Uncle, to his friends, to Tony and whoever. But, my sisters while they were abused by Da and badly and also had to watch my brothers and I be abused and suffer from that abuse as well. In a way, he kept them to himself. Only he was allowed to abuse them, they were special to him.

  
I went out to the kitchen to find the babies up and in their high chairs dinner being served. I sighed sitting down at the table glad to be home. I told Alice not to wake James that I would make sure he ate later and that he was tired. I listened to the happy chatter of Cat and Mike and Matt who seemed very excited about life in general as Will smiled at them and said silly jokes every once in a while, making everyone laugh. After the babies were fed Alice stepped out and the atmosphere changed drastically. Whoever was done eating went off to their room quietly to finish their homework as the lift opened up and Da came out.

  
I finished and grabbed Andy on one hip and Mac on the other while Will got up and grabbed Mary taking Laura by the hand as we got up to leave the table so we could bathe them and get them ready for bed. I got both the boys to the bedroom quickly and told them to stay put shutting the door behind me to turn around and go grab Seamus.

  
When I got into the kitchen again I frozen dead. Da was holding Seamus rocking him gently kissing his tiny hand, “Hi baby boy,” he whispered to him, “You’re beautiful still have your mum’s eyes all of you have her eyes.”

  
I cleared my throat, “Da, I’ll bathe them.”

  
“No, that’s all right,” he said, “I can do it.”

  
“I’d rather you didn’t,” I answered.

  
He sighed putting Shay down in the highchair just for a minute and looked at me, “You’re sounding like her you know?”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“You’re mum. How finnicky she was,” he told me coming close to make causing me to back up, “It’s ok baby.” He said caressing my cheek lightly.

  
“You’re not supposed to,” I said closing my eyes, the goose bumps raising on my skin knowing the way he was looking at me even though I couldn’t see it. Knowing the things he wanted to do to me were written all over his face.

  
“I’ll give you some time I promise,” he whispered kissing my cheek wrapping his arms around my waist making it so I couldn’t get away easily, “But next week I want some time with you ok? Don’t pretend you don’t want to.”

  
“I don’t,” I answered my eyes still closed hoping he would just let me go, quit touching me.

  
“You do, you always say you don’t but your body and those looks you give me tell me you do. That’s why I love seeing your face when we’re together because your eyes always tell me how you really feel,” he told me.

  
I went numb, blank. I don’t know why. Maybe because I felt like he was right. That he was telling the truth and I really did want it. Maybe because by then I had heard it so many times from him that I felt like maybe he knew me better than I knew myself. I sighed still keeping my eyes closed still not wanting to see him even if I had to feel him on my skin pushing against me softly, feeling his breath on the top of my head as he looked at me, as he watched me and felt me shaking in his grip.

  
“Good boy,” he barely whispered bending down so he could bury his face in my neck his hands squeezing my ass making it hard for me to breathe, to think, “You smell so good. I bet you Leo tells you that all the time, huh?”

  
My eyes snapped open. I didn’t want to think about Leo. How I was his. How I had promised him I’d be his. I knew I didn’t belong to myself anymore or maybe I was just more acutely aware that I never had but thinking about it made me hate myself even more than I usually did.

  
“It’s too bad I gave you to him, but I needed a reason otherwise I won’t be able to help myself because you’re so amazing,” he said pulling away looking closely at me, that look in his eyes.

  
“What’s going on Da?” I asked him finally stating my fear, “Why is it getting worse?”

  
“Well, I’ve missed all of you so much and before you left I don’t think I was giving your siblings the attention they need. So, I’m trying to change that. Hopefully with Leo and Ben’s help everyone will get the attention they need,” he answered me.

  
“You mean you’re…” I swallowed, “You’re raping them now too? Who?”

  
“I don’t rape my children John. I show you guys how much I love you. I teach you things like a father is supposed to teach his kids,” he told me.

  
“Fine,” I said relenting, “Who are you teaching now then?”

  
“Well, I can tell you that I’m not teaching James too much because Mr. Lord has a soft spot for him. Mikey and Matty well,” he smiled licking his lips thinking about it, “You’re Uncle has a thing for them and they are pretty boys. Don’t you think? And twins, twins are always special.”

  
“And everyone else?” I asked scared to know what he was going to say but not being able to help myself.

  
Needing to know, wanting to know was almost like a car wreck. It was horrible and painful to witness, to see the mangled bodies lying in the street the blood painting the pavement a shade of red nothing should ever be. But, I couldn’t look away.

  
I couldn’t ignore the fact it was in front of me. That the cars had collided and someone had gone through the windshield their body broken and half exposed hanging off the front of the hood. I almost had to know. That way I knew how to comfort them, who I needed to protect the most because I knew I couldn’t protect them all.

  
“You mean the babies?” He asked me picking up Seamus kissing his head again, “Well, they are a bit young for anything really. I remember scolding your uncle so hard and sending him away when I found him with you that one night. You were in so much pain, blood everywhere. It looked like he had tried to murder you. I was so afraid you’d be permanently hurt or so scarred from what he did you would never let me touch you again. I won’t make the mistake of leaving him alone with any of them again. Not long enough to do that.”

  
“And what about Hank?” I asked.

  
“Who told you Hank had been here?” He asked me.

  
“Andy,” I answered, “He gave them toys Da. I don’t want Hank around them, Especially Mac he’s just little Da, he’s not even two yet. He only says a handful of words.”

  
“Hank isn’t allowed to touch him like that until I say so,” Da replied, “Don’t worry I’ll make him wait until he’s older but he’s going to give me a nice chunk of change for it.”

  
I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to ask, I had to know, “What do you mean?”

  
“Well, Hank is paying me in installments to spend some time with him so that when it’s time he can…”

  
“NO!” I shouted making Seamus cry, “DA NO!”

  
“He won’t hurt,” Da chuckled a little under his breathe at his lie, “Not a lot anyway.”

  
“You can’t do that. Da you can’t do that,” I said starting to cry.

  
“By the time it happens he won’t understand that it’s not normal. When I did it to you did you know it wasn’t normal?” He asked me.

  
“What?” I asked him.

  
“You remember? You know, what was it like?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t want to talk about this,” I answered going forward to grab Seamus.

  
“Nope, he’s mine. Maybe you can have him if you answer my question,” Da said taking a couple steps back from me.

  
“Da,” I said quietly, “Please. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Were you scared?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Why? Was I not gentle enough? Can you tell me what it was like for you?” He asked me.

  
“I knew something was wrong the moment you…,” I stopped feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“Go on, it’s ok baby,” he coaxed, “I won’t be mad. I just want to know.”

  
“When you started talking about sex and then took me into the kitchen alone,” I answered, “And the ice cream usually that was a treat that we didn’t really allowed have in the house.”

  
“So that scared you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “Da it didn’t… it wasn’t right.”

  
“You felt that way even after all our special nights together?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “I don’t know. That always made me feel weird. I didn’t know why at the time but I always felt like it was wrong. Like I knew that even though you said it was ok it wasn’t. Especially after Uncle Ben and how when he baby sat me he would make me do things.”

  
“Other than the one time I caught him did he do anything else like that, have sex with you?” He asked me.

  
I sighed heavily starting to get angry that he was asking me all of this stuff. Why did he care? Why did it matter? It was over and done with and I was stuck in this life with him doing whatever he wanted to me, using me for whatever he felt like using me for. Passing me out to my uncle, to their friends, making videos of me and posting them online for other people to see, to get off on. I didn’t understand why he was asking me these questions.

  
“No, I remember blowing him a lot,” I hissed, “Why?”

  
“Just curious,” he answered.

  
“Can I have him now?” I asked gesturing at Seamus.

  
“Yeah, take your brother. Be good to him,” he said giving Shay a kiss on the head before handing him to me.

  
I held him in front of me smiling at him even though I felt like crying and he smiled back his chubby cheeks growing with light his dimples evident, him being every bit the 10 months old he was, “Hi baby!” I cooed, “Who’s my chubbiers huh? Are you Jack’s chubbiers? Yeah! Say yeah I’m your chubbiers” I said hugging him tightly to my chest cradling his head with my hand.

  
“Jack?” Da asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know it’s just a nickname.”

  
“Baby, don’t you already have a million of those? Doesn’t your Uncle already call you Johnny?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah but, I don’t know. I don’t like it.” I answered, “Jack is a choice I made.”

  
“You don’t get to make choices,” he said his eyes growing cold, “I don’t want them calling you that, understand?”

  
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Good,” he said, “I’ll see you later. Oh yeah, by the way did you see your room?” He asked me as I turned away.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Just wondering what you thought of it,” he said.

  
“It doesn’t feel like my room anymore,” I answered.

  
“Well I figured you might like it better than me having to take you downstairs. Have your own space kind of,” he answered.

  
I just nodded my head not sure what to say. He just confirmed what I already knew. That my new bedroom set was for him, not for me. So, he could be with me and not feel crowded. So he had more room to move around. To sleep with me, spent the night with me if he wanted to. I went to the nursey where I heard laughter coming from the bathroom finding Will in there with Laura and Mary bathing them as they splashed around and giggled at him encouraging Laura to wash her hair as he scrubbed the shampoo into Mary’s.

  
We got them finished and ready for bed putting them down and then did Seamus, Mac and Andy. The same routine only with three little boys instead of two little girls. It made me feel safer knowing it was Will and I instead of Da. I didn’t want Da anywhere near them if I could help it because I knew Da and now that I knew what him and Hank were talking about, planning I was terrified for my little brother.

  
I woke up James and helped him with his homework feeding him as Will helped Cat and Mike and Matt get ready for bed. By 8:30 everyone was in bed besides the three of us who were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up James’ homework with him.  
“And that’s the last problem,” James said smiling happily, “Does that mean I can go back to sleep now?”

  
“Yes, come on go brush your teeth and I’ll tuck you in all right?” I said rubbing the top of his head.

  
“Ok, thank you for helping me and for letting me stay up late,” he said to me hugging me.

  
“No problem all right? Now go brush your teeth,” I said again shaking my head as I went and started helping Will with the dishes.

  
“That’s the happiest I’ve seen him since like Tuesday,” Will told me as I started drying and putting dishes away.

 

“I heard about what happened,” I said, “Mike told me on the phone.”

  
“I…I’m sorry,” Will told me.

  
“You didn’t do it. You’re 11. If I can’t stop it and I’m 13 how do you think you’re going to stop it?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know. I just feel like I didn’t do enough,” he told me.

  
“What do you mean do enough?” I asked stopping putting the plate in my hand on the counter looking at him.

  
Will looked at me and shook his head, “It’s nothing.”

  
“Will?” I asked, “Will talk to me.”

  
“What the hell am I supposed to do? You weren’t here, and Mum’s not here and if it wasn’t me it would be someone else. Uncle Ben I found him last Saturday in the room with Mike and Matt and he was… I don’t even want to say it was,” Will shook his head.  
“What?” I asked him again.

  
“He was making one of them blow the other one while he raped that one, he was making them have an orgy with him,” Will answered me, “I never want to have to see anything like that again. I don’t know it was…the whole thing was wrong but one of them the one that wasn’t being spit roasted he didn’t seem all that upset so I’m pretty sure that was Matt. And just the whole thing was so sick. I asked Da about it and he said maybe if I was a little nicer those things wouldn’t happen to them.”

  
“No,” I shook my head, “No you can’t let him do that to you don’t, please tell me you didn’t.”

  
“It’s …If I close my eyes I can pretend it’s not happening.”

  
“And how often does he let you close your eyes?” I asked him.

  
“John, I really don’t want to…” Will sighed and I cut him off.

  
“Talk about it? Yeah tell me about it. I have tried my whole life to keep him off of you and you’re just letting him do it? You’re using yourself to draw him away from them? That’s not your job. Your job is to take care of them.” I said.

  
“Yeah? Well you weren’t here because you decided you would rather be dead then be with him, so what else was I supposed to do? I hate to say this but you left a position that needed filling so I’m filling it all right? I understand why you tried to kill yourself especially after just one week of it, almost a whole week I get it. I really do and it’s horrible,” Will said, “I don’t blame you for trying to leave but, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to.”

  
“I didn’t try to kill myself just because of that,” I answered, “I got out of the hospital on Friday you know that. You saw me at Mass and I told you I’d tell you where I had been when I got a chance to talk to you again. I was with Leo. He gave me to Leo. He told me two days before I tried to…between him and Leo I couldn’t. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t anymore Will. I’m sorry I didn’t think about anyone else before I tried but I just felt so…dead already. I still feel dead but at least I’m not stupid enough to try again and fail.”

  
“What do you mean he gave you to Leo?” He asked me.

  
“Contract, it’s when basically someone gives one of them a bunch of money to have an almost exclusive relationship with their kid. Leo contracted me. He’d been looking to contract me since he first saw me. When we came back I don’t know if it’s to punish mum or me or all of us but he agreed. Now every weekend for the next six months I’m…” Will cut me off.

  
“You’re spending the weekend with Leo?” Will finished and I nodded my head.

  
“I’m sorry,” Will said quietly, almost so quietly I didn’t hear him.

  
“It’s not your fault,” I answered, “It’s probably mine. I didn’t stop her from taking us. I felt like I needed to be away from him. I didn’t think that would mean he’d get pissed at everyone. I was hoping it would mean I’d never have to see him again.”

  
“John this isn’t your fault either,” Will told me, “If anyone is to blame it’s him.”

  
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I answered.

  
“It’s not,” he said again, “Really it’s not. Can I ask you something?”

  
“What?” I asked looking at him.

  
“What was the hospital like?” He asked me.

  
“A nightmare,” I answered snorting, “They asked him what I hated most and they…three of the staff there and Leo was my doctor so…it didn’t go very well. I begged to go home with him because at least if it was him it was only one person.”

  
“Shit,” Will said his hand covering his mouth in shock.

  
“Don’t ever try to kill yourself ok?” I said and Will nodded his head.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” He asked me.

  
“I’m happy to be home and that’s something I never thought I would be happy about,” I answered.

  
We heard the elevator kick on and both froze looking at each other knowing what this probably meant. That one of us was going to be raped by him or worse Uncle Ben was coming upstairs to hurt someone else. I felt like I was being choked just by the thought of it.

  
He stepped off the elevator, Da. He was only wearing a pair of PJ pants like he was ready for bed. Ready to sleep with someone. He looked at both of us smiling, “Hi beautiful boys,” he said his eyes glancing between us.

  
“Hi, Da,” Will and I mumbled quietly.

  
“Hey,” Da said walking towards me.

  
I looked at Will. He seemed conflicted like he was relieved it wasn’t him but like he was scared for me all at the same time. I sighed accepting it. Accepting that he was going to have sex with me. Accepting that if it was me it wasn’t Will, someone who I tried so hard to protect. Someone who I would do anything for.

  
“Hi,” I answered back quietly rubbing the back of my neck lightly shifting my weight from foot to foot.

  
“Will you can go to bed,” Da said to him not taking his eyes off of me.

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head shooting me a look that said he was sorry, “Night John.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
Da barely waited for him to disappear down the hall before he pressed his lips to mine pushing me hard into the counter barely letting me respond as I pushed at his chest as hard as I could trying to push him off of me. Trying to get him to give me some space, any space I could manage to gain. I was still sore burning from what Leo had done with the metal rod that he had shoved up inside of me.

  
“Slow down,” I managed to mutter as he got the last buttons on my shirt undone, already not wearing my tie or vest having taken them off when I got home.

  
“But I’ve missed you so much,” he said against my neck making me shiver as he pushed me hard into the counter behind me forcing the corner into the small of my back making me hiss in pain.

  
“What’s wrong?” Da whispered.

  
“The counter,” I managed to answer as my shirt landed on the counter behind me, “it’s digging into my back.”

  
“Oh,” he said laughing lightly, “I’m sorry baby want to go to bed?” He asked me grabbing my hand and kissing it before taking one of my fingers in his mouth and sucking on it.

  
“Ok,” I swallowed nodding my head as he pulled me down the hallway to my bedroom. Once he got in and closed the door he turned on the light and pulled my undershirt quickly over my head kissing my neck and shoulders messaging my collar bone making me squirm as he pushed me backwards onto the new queen-sized bed.

  
“You have to be really quiet so we don’t wake anyone up ok baby?” He told me caressing my face and naked shoulders his hands running up and down my ribs and face and chest as he kissed my forehead and cheeks.

  
I nodded my head closing my eyes allowing him to have what he wanted, allowing him to touch me and run his hands along my skin before he forced his tongue in my mouth. I didn’t want to do this with him but I also didn’t want him to do it to my brother.  
“No, no baby open your eyes,” he said rubbing my cheek and jaw bone lightly, “Open your eyes beautiful.” He said again causing me to sigh and open my eyes his hands going to my fly.

  
I shook my head and started pulling at his hands trying to stop him. Trying to get him to understand that I didn’t want to, that this wasn’t something I liked or enjoyed and I started crying trying to make sure my tears were silent biting down on my tongue slightly.

  
“No, no baby it’s ok. It’s ok, I’m just showing you how much I missed you. How much I love you all right? God, I love you so much baby. I hate it when you cry. Don’t cry beautiful come on, don’t cry,” he kept repeating kissing my tears away, kissing my neck and shoulders and face over and over until he finally got my pants undone, until I was calmer. Until my face was dry.

  
I remember thinking how this wouldn’t hurt as bad as Leo did but how I had to be quiet. How I couldn’t tell him to stop because it would make him angry. He moved getting up for just a minute pulling off his pants and then mine. Taking off my underwear so we were both naked.

  
“That’s my precious boy,” he said looking at me and I just felt numb. Knowing I had to let him or else he would go get someone else. Knowing I couldn’t fight back or he would probably punch me or choke me. Knowing there was nothing I could do, “No, look at me beautiful. I want you to be with me ok?” he cooed to me as he started to kiss down my chest him straddling me as he kissed and inched his way down my body his hand finding that place where he wanted it to be in-between us.

  
“There it is,” he said rubbing harder as he stared into my eyes, “There it is.”

  
I bit my lips closed turning them into a thin line trying to look past him and not at him my air caught in my chest. I wanted to breathe like a normal person but the things he was doing, the things he was making me feel were making me hate myself. I knew I was going to moan if I opened my mouth, that I was going to make a sound he usually loved hearing.

  
“No, look at me baby. Look at me,” he said reaching up and cupping my cheek tightly, “Oh god yeah, your lips are trembling. It must feel good, huh?”

  
I whimpered through my tightly closed lips wishing he would let me look away. Wishing he wasn’t making me look into those cold gray eyes as he made sure I laid there and let him touch me. I didn’t want to feel this way especially not with him. Not with any of them.

  
“You’ll really enjoy this,” he said running his tongue down the center of my body as I snapped my eyes shut grabbing the iron bars of the headboard above me and squeezing as his tongue licked down my shaft careful to bite into my lips instead of screaming or moaning out loud.

  
It didn’t take him long to tease me enough to make sure I was close to climax. I didn’t want to orgasm for him. But I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop it, to stop my body from giving him what he wanted. His tongue was all over me, up and down my shaft, licking and sucking my balls making it almost impossible to stay quiet. Making it impossible to not moan and scream at him to stop because I didn’t want it, I didn’t want his mouth down there or his hands and yet they were and I had to let him or else live with the fact it was my fault it was happening to someone else.

  
I came hard my whole body shuddering him making sure he shoved his mouth hard around me to catch every drop as I bit into a pillow I had pulled over my face to keep me silent. His body moved again to force two wet and sticky fingers up inside me moving them in and out of me scissoring me as he used his body to keep my knees spread and bent. When he thought I was ready he moved leaning forward one hand on my shoulder the other on my hip and he shoved into me.

  
“DA….” I squealed a little too loudly.

  
“Shhh, it’s all right. It’s all right. I know just give it a minute and it’ll feel really good baby and then we can finish together ok? You’re just letting me know how much you love me all right?” He said and I nodded my head starting to cry again. Because it hurt. It always hurt at first feeling like I was trying to crap in reverse an intense pressure pushing from the inside of my body outward like it always did.

  
He rubbed my face and shoulders kissing and caressing me as he waited for my body to adjust around his. Adjust to him being inside me just like it always did for all of them, for Leo and Hank for those guys that I didn’t even remember their names. He sighed kissing my cheek.

  
“Look at me baby,” he said touching my cheek again pulling my eyes back to his. The thrusts caught me off guard it was fast and hard making me almost wheeze, “Yeah?” He said doing it again grabbing one of my knees so he could go faster, be more shallow hitting something inside me making my eyes go wide, “That’s my beautiful boy.” He moaned quietly into the air tilting his head back as he used my body for just a second before he looked back into my eyes, “You’re amazing in every way baby.”  
He kept going until I knew I was so close I couldn’t hold it. There was no hope in even fighting it as I covered my face with my hands and he grabbed them pulling them away, “No I want you to look at me while you help me feel good ok baby? I want you to see how much I love you.”

  
He bumped against that spot just right two or three more times after that and then I came my whole body tightening around his causing him to climax as well. The then pulled out and laying forward, laying his head on my chest kissing my chest and neck  
“That’s my good boy. God, I love you. You’re such a good boy,” he kept whispering into my chin, “God I missed you so much baby, so much.”

  
I laid there waiting for him to let me move. Waiting for him to tell me he was done that I could get up and shower and then I realized it was Da. That it wouldn’t be that easy. That he would make me lay there with him covered in our sweat and cum and sleep with him or try to sleep.

  
“Do you need some water or anything? I can go to the kitchen and grab it,” he asked me.

  
“Can I have a drink?” I asked before I realized what I was saying. What I was asking for.

  
“You mean alcohol?” He asked me kissing my neck again causing me to turn away and nod my head.

  
“Yeah baby I can do that,” He told me, “I’ll be back.” He said kissing me on the lips quickly, “Don’t go anywhere.”

  
He got up and left. I curled into a ball knowing that he meant what he said when he said not to go anywhere, feeling his cum running down the back of my thighs. I didn’t want to have to feel him on my skin like that anymore. I didn’t want to feel him dripping out of me. When he came back into the room I jumped a little the sound of the door opening startling me. He showed me a bottle of beer. I had had beer before back on the road before we had made it to Montana. It wasn’t my favorite but it would do. I took it and drank it as fast as I could making sure it was all gone hoping it could actually relax me enough to fall asleep before he started licking his way down my stomach again.

  
“No,” I shook my head. Pushing him away knowing he was going to go down on me again. I didn’t want it. I would rather just go to sleep.

  
“Oh, come on baby,” he said, “I gave you a beer you should be feeling good. Nice and relaxed, it’ll make it easy for you to cum for me.”

  
“I don’t want to,” I answered shaking my head.

  
“Yeah you do. I know you have more in there for me,” he said.

  
“Daddy please?” I asked him, doing something I didn’t usually do. Call him Daddy.

  
He smiled at me in that way that made my heart sink knowing he was going to anyway even though I was begging him not to. It made me feel sick to my stomach avoiding his gaze hoping he would change his mind if he saw how much it hurt. If he saw how sad it made me.

  
He didn’t though, he never did he always did whatever he wanted. After he made me cum he kissed me hard on the lips forcing his tongue in my mouth holding me tightly using his body to press me against the mattress. I was done. I wanted to be done. After a couple of minutes, he stopped and got off of me.

  
“Let’s get to sleep ok baby?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “I love you, goodnight.”

  
“I love you too, night,” I said rolling over and curling into the fetal position.


	24. 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John spends the day at school talking with his friends and worrying about the situation. Along with the upcoming party that weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 442 to 461. Thank you everyone for sticking with me. If you're wondering what happened I had a seven real relationship just end and I think it will take me a while to get back into the swing of things fully but, I'm going to try my best to keep editing and posting what I have already written. It's just hard to concentrate on the writing part right now so please forgive me if after everything is posted updates start to slow down. That and I'm going back to school and taking a serious look at my life and things that I need to change in order to make myself happy. **Warnings** Rape/Non-con, Talking of childhood sexual abuse, cult abuse, code, forced oral, underage kissing, underage smoking

I think because he wasn’t touching me it was easier for me to fall asleep. That and I was exhausted and in my own room for once. I had a horrible dream though which I vaguely remember. I was under water. The surface right there but every time I went to surface I couldn’t, something was trapping me under the water as I ran out of breath. I could see the world above me, the air just right there. Right out of reach. Then my alarm that I didn’t ever remember setting woke me up.

  
“Come on baby, time to shower ok,” My Da said rubbing the back of my neck waking me up, “Time to get ready for school.”

  
It took me a minute to realize where I was. That I wasn’t downstairs in his bedroom but that we were in my bedroom. I couldn’t shake the sleep for some reason like my body wasn’t ready to wake up. That is until my Da’s hand starting wandering from where it was on my hip down my front.

  
“Oh,” I said jumping up still half asleep as I heard him laugh lightly behind me.

  
“Still asleep enough that you aren’t ready for that huh? I could take care of that for you. your morning wood,” he said pointing at my stomach as I turned to look at him.

  
“No, I’m all right,” I answer getting up and going into the bathroom turning on the shower.

  
It was heaven. The water washing the crusty dried cum off my stomach and back side, making me feel clean at least as clean as it ever made me feel. When I was done showering I went to turn off the water and open the curtain but my Da’s hand shot out from behind it grabbing mine.

  
“Da please,” I said backing up into the corner of the shower.

  
“It’s ok, there’s not time for that. I’m going to shower ok? Just go get dressed and then get the kids ready yeah?” He said to me rubbing my wet hair as he climbed in the shower still naked from the night before.

  
I quickly got dressed. Not wanting to be naked and then went and woke up everyone so Da wouldn’t have to. I changed Mac and Seamus into day clothes and as I grabbed Andy Will walked in and grabbed him from me. I sighed looking at the clock on the side table. It was almost time for me to leave for school.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“I’ll be all right,” I answered not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to think about it.

  
“You sure?” Will asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “It is what it is. I’m awake. I’m going to school where hopefully things won’t be too bad until…” I felt my heart jump with panic I was supposed to let Finick do things today and I didn’t want him to but it would keep me free of school work in that class so that I didn’t have to deal with Leo and school work at the same time.

  
“I have to go,” I sighed finishing dressing Andrew, “Can you dress Laura and Mary for me so Da doesn’t…”

  
“Yeah,” Will said nodding his head, “Thank you. For last night, I mean.”

  
“It’s nothing,” I answered, “I’ll see you when I get home all right? I love you.”

  
“Yeah, love you too,” he said grabbing Mary, “Hi Marbear, good morning…” I heard him coo as I shut the nursery door.

  
I grabbed my bag and put on my shoes using the lift to get downstairs and going out the back door to the bus stop where Pat and Cole were already standing. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk. I knew I didn’t want to be touched and that last night I had my first beer in over 8 months. I knew things weren’t going well for me and I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone.

  
“Hi Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “What’s wrong?”

  
“Nothing,” I answered.

  
“Rabbit, please,” Pat begged me talk to him, “You don’t want to talk in front of Cole? We can step away for a couple of minutes. Just don’t shut me out, please.”

  
“Babe,” I said placing a hand on his shoulder, “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Rabbit, don’t shut down,” he said to me, begged me.

  
“Pat, please? Not today, ok? I have other stuff I have to deal with today and I can’t start my school day like this. I want to pretend everything is fine until it’s not. At least for today. Please?” I begged him.

  
He sighed a nodded his head, “Ok, all right. I can do that for you but if you feel like you need to talk, please talk to me.” He said hugging me.

  
I hugged him back. He felt so good, so warm and gentle and calming. I almost started crying wishing that I could have that. That I could have him like that against my skin instead of through that stupid uniform. That I could have his lips on me, have him love me.

  
“Hey,” he whispered into my ear, kissing my ear lobe lightly, “It’s ok. We’ll have a good day at school all right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head before pulling away and looking into his eyes, “Yeah we’ll be ok.”

  
Cole cleared his throat as he saw the bus coming up the road. When it stopped we hopped on. Dom was there and I was happy to see him however, Dick was also there and I had almost forgotten Dick rode the bus with me. How lovely. I felt like someone had just punched me in the chest knocking the air out of me as I took a seat next to Pat and Dick moved seats to sit in the one in front of us.

  
“Morning,” Dick said.

  
“Morning Dickwad,” Pat answered.

  
“Nuhuh, you have to be nice to me. Don’t you Johnny?” Dick said looking at me smiling.

  
“Rich,” I said using his real nickname, “Not today please.”

  
“Why not? You want me to tell everyone?” He asked me.

  
“They already know,” I spat back.

  
“What are you guys talking about?” Pat asked me quietly.

  
“Who Johnny is banging,” Rich said making me cringe as he used that nickname.

  
“What the hell do you know about anything?” Pat hissed

  
“Guess who is Da is?” I said looking at Pat.

  
“You’re kidding me,” Pat said raising an eyebrow at Dick, “Well in that case you might want to watch it because personally I’d be embarrassed to let everyone know who my dad was.” he hissed at Dick putting an arm around my shoulder.

  
He frowned looking at me and then Pat and then Dom, “Oh,” he said something dawning on him, “And I thought…oh this is good.”

  
“Don’t get any ideas,” Pat warned taking his hand off my shoulder.

  
“Does my dad know?” He asked me.

  
“We’re just friends,” I answered in barely a whisper.

  
“Now see, I’m not so sure about that. You’re either banging him or your banging Dom so which one is it? Because Cole is not your type but between Dom and him my Money is on the black stallion here,” Dick smirked.

  
“I’m not a fucking horse and we’re just friends. I have my own arrangement I have to be loyal to. I’m sure you catch my drift,” Pat said.

  
“That doesn’t mean you don’t step out,” Dick said, “I personally prefer other outlets but whatever I’m not here to judge but if I were you guys I’d be more careful about who knows.”

  
“We’re not doing anything,” I said, “I swear.”

  
“You swear?” Dick said.

  
“Yes, he’s my friend there is nothing going on,” I answered not looking at him or Pat not wanting to be sitting in that seat anymore.

  
If Rich didn’t believe me he could get Pat or I killed. He could tell Leo and Leo for sure would do something bad to Pat. Because just like my Da Leo viewed me as his property. His play toy who had no rights and no say in what happened to them.

  
“Ok,” he said sitting back looking towards the front of the bus.

  
Pat pinched my arm lightly getting my attention quietly, “He’s Leo’s son?” He said barely audible, more like he was mouthing the words instead of saying them.

  
I nodded my head in reply.

  
“How the fuck did we not know?” He mouthed at me.

  
“I didn’t know he had a son until Saturday,” I answered mouthing back the words.

  
Pat sighed heavily shooting me a concerned look. I was honestly not really in the mood to care about it because I had other more important things to worry about. Like who was going to be sucking my Dick after the last bell rang because, father Finick had made it very clear to me that’s what he was interested in doing. I was so tired of being scared and used that I felt numb most of the time. Not being able to get them off my skin just made everything worse. I was now to the point where I was angry about not being able to have any say in my life and not being able to protect my siblings.

  
I wasn’t trying to be mean to Pat. I really wasn’t but, I couldn’t stand the fact I had no say in anything. I couldn’t stand thinking about how I was Da’s during the week and then Leo’s during the weekend and that I belonged to any of my teachers whenever they wanted me. I hated my life, and myself and the fact that I was a weak little bitch who couldn’t do anything about it. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this and I knew that. I didn’t know what life was supposed to be like but, I knew it wasn’t supposed to be like it was.

  
When the bus stopped in front of the school Dick didn’t wait for us to get off the bus. He just hurried away. I felt relief at that. Not having it rubbed in my face that his Da basically owned me, controlled me along with the rest of the brotherhood.

  
We went to our spot. Pat giving me a cigarette and handing me the lighter. I felt tired.

  
“Holy shit did you know Dom?” Cole asked Dom.

  
“Know what?” Dom asked.

  
“That Dick was Leo’s son, didn’t you hear any of the conversation?” Cole asked Dom.

  
“No, I was kind of enjoying the feeling of not having a dick up my ass at 8 in the morning for the first time in around 3 weeks,” Dom answered.

  
“That was blunt,” Tosh said coming through the bushes a branch smacking him in the face making me laugh for some reason causing everyone to look at me.

  
“Sorry,” I said, “it’s just he said something was blunt and then got hit with…never mind.”

  
“A blunt object?” Pat said smiling at me like he was trying not to laugh.

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “I’m sorry I’m just…”

  
“No,” Tosh said shaking his head, “it is ok.”

  
“Ok so what did I miss?” Dom asked me.

  
“Dick, our lovely bus companion is Leo’s son,” I answered.

  
“And Leo is…oh! Well, shit,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“Yeah, how did we not know this? isn’t Dick your neighbor Dom?” Cole asked him.

  
“Yeah well, all I knew was his dad was a doctor. It’s not like I got to see his face or anything,” Dom answered, “Hell, I didn’t even realize Leo was Leo until yesterday when I finally got a good look at his face because he was dealing with Burgess and paperwork.”

  
“What happened to Adam?” I asked curious. Remembering how nice he had been to me. How he was a one and stuck in even worse shit then I was.

  
“Well,” Dom sighed, “Guess who has a new foster brother?”

  
“Wait what?” Cole asked frowning, “You mean you’re with a one now?”

  
“Well, for now if Pop likes him he’ll be a two and he’ll start school with us,” Dom said shrugging his shoulders.

  
I must have visibly tensed because I remembered meeting Dom’s dad’s at Mass that past Sunday. The looked they had given me. How they had talked about that thing that at the time I had no clue what it was and still wasn’t really sure because I hadn’t had it explained. That someone shoving a metal rod up my urethra was that sounding actually was.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me suddenly.

  
“huh, yeah I’m fine just…I don’t know,” I said taking the last drag on my cig and crushing it under my foot, “Dom?”

  
“Yeah?” Dom asked me.

  
I ran a hand through my hair nervously. I wasn’t sure what to do exactly. How to ask was I was going to ask but I needed to know. That way if I saw them at the party I knew which one was more dangerous which one he was talking about, “Which one is pop Lou or Tanner?”

  
Dom’s eyes went wide, “I huh…can I tell you later?”

  
“Yeah, sorry I was just wondering because of…well stuff,” I answered.

  
“No, it’s ok. I mean, I just…not right now, all right?” He said and I nodded my head.

  
“Wait,” Cole said furrowing his brow, “When did you meet them? Because I’ve never met them.”

  
“I have,” Pat said, “Dom doesn’t tell me much about them and apparently I’m not their type so…whatever.”

  
“You’re too loud Pat,” Dom said his cheeks flushing slightly as he became really interested in the dirt under his feet.

  
Just then the bell rang, “What classes do you have Dom?” Cole asked suddenly looking for a subject change.

  
“First hour is Carlson, second is Finick, 3rd is Donahue, forth is Clarrick, and then Gym and T.A. which I don’t know who I have for those,” Dom replied, “Why?”

  
“Oh, you have like 3 classes with me.” Cole said.

  
“And one with us,” Pat answered.

  
“Awesome,” Dom said smiling, “At least I don’t have to be tortured alone.”

  
“Well, let’s get going boys,” Pat said putting an arm around my shoulder again.

  
I reached up and grabbed his hand bringing it to my lips and kissing the back of it. I loved him. I really did and I loved the fact that he had quit asking questions about my mood. About how I was feeling and had just accepted I was having a bad day.

  
“Aww,” Tosh said smiling at us as I turned and buried my face in his shoulder forgetting that I was surrounded my everyone not really thinking about the gesture before I did it.

  
“I think someone just got embarrassed,” Cole said smirking lightly.

  
“Come on guys. Don’t give him a hard time,” Pat said lightly, “We’ll catch up ok?”

  
“Yeah, don’t take too long,” Cole said laughing lightly as they started to walk away, Dom hitting him lightly on the back as if to say shut up.

  
“Hey,” he said smiling at me his eyes lighting up, “What was that for?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “Because I love you and I know I’m being a shit today. I just wanted you to know I’m not mad at you.”

  
“I figured you weren’t rabbit. I just figured you had been away from home for about a week and one of them decided to …do what they do so you just weren’t in the mood to think about it or talk about it. That’s ok. I’m ok with that, I understand. I may not have to deal with it myself anymore but, I remember what it’s like,” he told me taking me in his arms, “It’s ok for you to not want to talk about things but when you do, I’m here.”

  
He ran his hands down my shoulders grabbing my forearms lightly and leaned in kissing me. At first it was only a small peck and then I pulled him closer to me forcing myself into his arms deepening our kiss. His tongue rolling across mine sending goose bumps up my arms making heat pool in all the right places for just a second before he broke our kiss.

  
“Come on,” he said giving my hand a little squeeze before he let it go still smiling at me, “We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry up.”

  
We walked to class together. Math went by rather quickly work sheets and book reading and then after that class we stopped by our lockers and grabbed our stuff for gym. I had been assigned to Gym last year but barely remembered it at all because I was usually sick or excused for one reason or another so this was my first real gym class.

  
When we got to gym class there was a young guy standing there around the same age as Luke the T.A who was also standing there both in their typical priest dress of black slacks and short sleeved cassocks. Both with their hands behind their backs waiting for us to come into the room.

  
“Line up against the walls gentlemen,” Luke said watching as the room slowly filled in before the final bell rang.

  
He waited a couple minutes for everyone to settle into the line we had formed against the wall and grow silent and then he cleared his throat and spoke, “Now we are short on fathers this year so Brian and I will be teaching gym this year. You can call us Sir or Mr. Luke and Mr. Brian don’t call us father we haven’t earned the right to be called father yet. In gym we’ll be covering different units our first unit will be basketball and then we’ll be moving on from there. At the beginning of a unit we’ll go over the rules of the sport, the way you should conduct yourself and pick teams. At the end of the unit we’ll have a final game and the team that wins will get to pick a movie for our movie day after we take a test to see what you learn.

  
For today though we will just be taking your size that way we can make sure you have uniforms for next class on Thursday. You will be dressed every day for class. There is no reason for you to take your gym uniform home with you at the end of the week you will throw them in the bin by the showers and they will be washed and ready for you on Tuesday. At the end of Tuesday again you will throw them in the bin so they will be washed for Thursday. Now please follow me…” he said starting to walk away.

  
I turned and looked at Pat who started walking forward and followed him. We followed Luke into a huge locker room that looked actually really clean and new, “Ok,” Luke said turning around when everyone was in the locker room, “This is the office Mr. Brian and I share, you don’t come in here unless you are injured or we ask to speak to you privately for misconduct or other reasons. Over there is obviously the bathrooms, no one changes in the stalls. A part of this class is learning how to accept one another and treat each other with respect when everyone is at their most vulnerable. I think we can all agree being naked makes you feel pretty vulnerable. It will teach you humility. So, a good way to earn misconduct would be changing in the stall. So, don’t do it. Over there, you will pick a locker in the second or third row. That will be your locker for the school year. You will shower after gym class before you change back into your uniforms and you will be prompt.

  
“Ok,” Brain said looking at us lazily, “I want everyone to strip down to their underwear. You can keep your undershirts and socks on and when I call your name you will come into the office. I will measure you and get your sizes and then you will come out here, put your uniform back on and go sit out in the gym. Dilero,” He called out and some kid near me started taking his clothes off and we all did the same.

  
I felt slightly naked even though I was allowed to keep my shirt on which I was thankful for. I didn’t want to be topless. I hated being without a shirt because usually that meant someone caressing me or touching me and usually that started at my collar bone or chest and worked its way down. I sighed and sat down on the bench lining the main hallway next to Pat and Dom, Pat to my left and Dom to my right.

  
“So…” Dom said looking at me, “How was your first day home?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about that, “It was nice to see my brothers and sisters and yours?”

  
“It was ok,” he said, “It feels weird sharing a room with someone. Otherwise it’s, I don’t know,” he answered.

  
“He’s already at your house?” Pat asked quietly.

  
“Yeah, I mean it’s not the first time I’ve spent time in the same space as him. He’s not a bad guy. It’s just, I don’t know,” Dom said, “He’s a nice guy and everything. I just… he makes me nervous.”  
“Why?” I asked, “There’s nothing wrong with him. Like you said he’s not a bad guy.”  
“Not a bad guy? You do realize why he was there right?” Dom asked me.  
“Yes. Yes, I do and I have to say while I don’t agree with it I understand it,” I answered.  
“You understand someone trying to…” I shot Dom a look telling him to shut up.  
“Wait this is about that guy that your parents took in, right?” Pat asked Dom.  
“Yeah,” Dom answered him.  
“What did he do?” Pat asked us.  
I pulled Pat close to me, “He tried to suffocate his foster brother Eli. Eli is like three or four. He told me he was trying to protect him from the guy he was with because they are in the brotherhood. Do you know what it’s like to be a one?”

  
“No, I’ve heard stories but like, not really,” Pat whispered back, “Why?”

  
“Apparently you don’t have a real family they sell you to people and you move all over all the time. You have no one. He was doing the only thing he could think of to keep this kid from getting raped, from becoming like us. In his mind, he was trying to spare him. So, he tried to kill him. He tried to kill Eli because he cared about him.” I explained.

  
“That’s really screwed up,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah but, wouldn’t you do the same for Charlie? If you thought it would have kept him safe?” I asked looking at Pat closely.

  
He thought silently for a moment and then nodded his head sadly. Charlie hurt. Pat had loved Charlie with his whole being as much as I loved my little brothers and sisters. As much as Pat probably loved them as well. If it was the only thing I could really think of to keep them safe I would have done it too. But there was still a chance we might get away, a chance that next time we escaped they wouldn’t find us. We would just have to be more careful next time, better prepared. Maybe even leave the US all together.

  
“Dom,” Pat said looking at him, “This guy doesn’t sound dangerous to me, you’re fine. He’s not a bad guy. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. He was trying to save him.”

  
“Yeah well if he tries to save me like that I’m going to murder him,” Dom said, “I’ve been in this shit for too long to let it end like that.”

  
“I doubt he would,” I assured Dom, “It’s already happening. There isn’t anything to spare you from.”

  
“Ah,” Dom said, “Yeah, still not convinced he’s not dangerous.”

  
“He’s not,” I said again, “I’ll talk to him. Bring him to the park.”

  
“Yeah, I can’t do that,” Dom said looking at his hands shaking his head, “He’s on lock down. Will be for a while. I can let him know you’re wondering about him but that’s it. I can’t get him out of the house.”

  
“Let him know,” I replied.

  
“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head.

  
“Kingly,” Mr. Brian said and Pat stood up.

  
“Wish me luck,” he said.

  
“Don’t let him touch your junk,” Dom joked.

  
“Man, that’s not funny,” Pat said laughing and shaking he head as he walked away.

  
“He’s really not a bad guy though. He thought it was the only way to keep him safe,” I said referring to Adam.

  
“So, you think I should really give him a chance?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, he’s a nice guy Dom. For real. He was just trying to keep Eli safe. It was the only way he could think of, the only way that made sense. If I was smart I would…” I sighed, “That doesn’t really matter now though.”

  
“You’re thinking of killing your siblings?” Dom asked me quietly his eyes going wide with worry glancing around to make sure no one was listening.

  
“I don’t know. It’s something my Da said. I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.

  
“Well if it has you thinking about that. It’s something serious that you need to share with someone,” Dom said, “You wouldn’t just think that, doing that was better than them being with you for no reason.”

  
“I can’t protect them anymore Dom. Hank, don’t tell Pat please don’t tell Pat this,” I said looking at Dom who nodded his head in confirmation, “I have a brother who is like us…who shares that trait we have and he’s only just about to turn two and Hank is already…”

  
“Oh no,” Dom said putting his head in his hands, “No no, no.”

  
“Yeah,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying, “And maybe just, it’d be better you know? I hate thinking it but maybe, maybe Adam is right. Maybe that’s the only thing I can do.”

  
“No, he deserves life. A life where this won’t happen. For all you know Hank won’t ever…” Dom started to say.

  
“Yes, but you and I both know it could and it probably will and I …,” I had to stop talking about it, I couldn’t deal with talking about this right now.

  
“Listen, all you can do if be here for him if it happens ok? He’s little. There is no way Hank is going to go after someone that little,” Dom told me grabbing my hand in support.

  
“We don’t know that,” I said, “Adam said I should know about the people in my life about their…stuff and I don’t know about him. I don’t know anything about him other than he likes pain. What about you?”

  
“I know he likes red hair and pain,” Dom answered as Pat reappeared.

  
“Hey,” Pat said sitting down, “You two ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “How was it?”

  
“Uncomfortable but otherwise no big deal. Mr. Luke cleared his throat at one point when Mr. Brain was measuring my inseam a little too long but otherwise things seemed ok,” Pat answered, “You two sure you’re ok?” Pat answered the question.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head, “Yeah we’re fine.”

  
It didn’t take long after that for them to call my name. When they did I got up and walked to the front into the office where Brain shut the door. He was tall but didn’t seem scrawny at all. His hazel eyes seemed cold, almost like there was nothing there and made me gulp. He was the complete opposite of Luke who seemed kind and gentle giving off this hard cold and creepy demeanor. Just being a room with him made me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“Ok arms out like this,” He said demonstrating how he wanted me to stand and taking the measuring tape to measure me.

  
It felt weird having him that close to me. His measuring tape going around my neck to measure there first and then measuring me from shoulder to fingertip and then from shoulder to shoulder. He then measured around my chest to see my shirt size as he called out the numbers to Luke who was writing them down.

  
“And how much do you weigh?” Brain asked me.

  
“Like 95 pounds I guess?” I estimated.

  
“Ok, I’m going to do your inseam and then up on the scale,” he said measuring there but doing it quickly. Apparently since he had been warned about spending too much time near certain people’s crotches.

  
When he was done I hopped up on the scale and they took my weight. 97 pounds. I went to get off the scale but Mr. Brain put his hand against my back making me freeze. Last time I had someone leaning over me like this they were thinking bad things and they made me do things I didn’t want to do and it made me nervous.

  
“Brain why don’t you step out for just a second,” Luke said looking at us.

  
“Really?” Brain kind of laughed, “Didn’t think you were the type but whatever,” Brain said.

  
“I’m not, I’m asking him a personal question. Don’t be a pervert or I’ll report you,” Luke warned.

  
“Great way to take a joke man,” Brain said, “I’ll be back.” He left shutting the door behind him.

  
“I’m just going to take your height ok?” He said.

  
“Yeah sorry. I don’t like being naked, I mean I know I’m not naked naked but I…” I tried to explain my nervousness.

  
“Does this have to do with Father McClairen and last year?” He asked me quietly.

  
“You remember that?” I asked him.

  
“Yes,” he said nodding his head slowly, “I know Father McClairen can sometimes be inappropriate which is why he’s not allowed to be alone with students. Did he make you uncomfortable?”

  
“I…” I shook my head, “Can you just get my height and let me leave so I can get dressed please?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “You don’t have to be afraid. If you ever want to talk you can come talk to me.”

  
“Thanks, can you just…” I gestured at the scale.

  
“Yes, of course,” he said adjusting the scale.

  
“Why did you need to do this anyway? Can’t you just do a small medium or large type of deal?” I asked.

  
“We could but the dimensions help us make sure you are modestly covered for outdoor things like soccer in the spring and also help give us an idea of what type of strap and cup you need that sort of thing.” He told me as he opened the door and let me leave.

  
I didn’t waste any time getting my clothes back on because I was tired of feeling so exposed. When I sat back down Pat was watching me closely, concerned. I could see it in his face he was afraid they had hurt me. I sat down next to him.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“You ok?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine I, I don’t know I’m just having a bad day ok?” I said and he nodded his head.

  
“Ok,” he said and I saw him clench and unclench his fist. I could tell he was upset maybe not with me but worried about me. That day I felt off, that entire day. Especially after talking to Dom about Mac. I felt guilty that I wanted to spare him, to save him from Hank.

  
Class ended shortly after that and we headed off to our next class. Pat wanted to stop and grab my hand I could tell. He didn’t want to deal with Gus and I didn’t want him to have to but it was one of those things. The class seemed to go quietly. It was mostly reading and then there was some discussion of the godlessness of the Egyptians before lunch.

  
It felt weird McClairen almost ignored the two of us completely. It allowed my mind to relax enough to focus on my school work. I managed to get any and all paperwork done that we had to do before class was over. I don’t remember lunch most of it being a blur. The day felt like it slipped away from me until the last bell rang. I wanted to get on the bus with them but instead I made sure I took my time going through my locker and then waited until Pat was gone. When I knew the buses were gone I went to Finicks classroom.

  
“Hi there,” he said coming up and shutting the door. Locking it behind me, “Are you going to be good today?”

  
I nodded my head. I knew I had to do it. That I couldn’t draw attention and my Da had made it very clear I had to do whatever Finick told me to do. I closed my eyes and undid my belt taking a deep breath because I didn’t want this to happen but I knew I had no choice, no right.

  
“Yeah?” He said coming up to me pushing my hands aside so he could finish undoing my pants as he shoved his tongue in my mouth. His stubble scratched me making me want to pull away but I didn’t. I closed my eyes and I let him do what he wanted to.

  
He picked me up making me sit on a table top and sat in the chair bending forward. His face in my crotch. It didn’t take long for him to start sucking me off. My face turning red with embarrassment. Honestly, he wasn’t that good at it. I remember a fair number of teeth my heart hammering in my chest just wanting it to be over. Wanting him to finish.

  
I let him make me orgasm and then he got up. I thought he was done but then he pushed me back against the table I was sitting on his hands starting to undo my shirt from the bottom up trying to expose me completely.

  
I started shaking. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to do it at all to begin with, “Please?” I whimpered.

  
“God, I want you this weekend,” he moaned into my neck, “I want to hear you beg as I fuck you.”

  
“No, no no,” I shook my head trying to keep myself quiet as I started to freak out.

  
“It’s ok, can I ask you question?” He said looking at me.

  
“Am I allowed to not answer?” I asked.

  
“Well, I can’t force you to but, if you do I’ll stop right here right now for now because honestly I well…nothing is better than hearing you guys beg. Anyway, has your Dad made you spend time with your brothers yet? Because that’s always hot.” He asked me.

  
“Almost,” I answered, “He jacked me off in Will’s face but that’s as close as it’s gotten.”

  
“Ok, well tell your Daddy I’d be interested in seeing that on video or in person when it does happen,” Father Finick told me, “Let’s go. I’ll take you home.”

  
He wanted for me to do up my pants and fix my clothing so that I didn’t look like I had just been fondled and then he drove me home in silence the whole way. When we got home I was just glad to be away from him. Away from the damned school where bad things happened.

  
When I got inside the house and upstairs everything seemed ok. Dinner was on the stove and Alice was getting ready to leave. Da didn’t come to see me that night instead he slept with Will. I never understood that. Why he did that. Moving upstairs and sleeping with us. Taking turns in our bed’s. Mine and Will’s. I don’t know if he did it because mum wasn’t around or because he preferred us. I still haven’t really figured it out.

  
I don’t remember anything eventful happening not even on mass Wednesday morning. Nothing interesting really happened until Friday afternoon at lunch. My stomach was turning because I knew I was going home with Leo. That he was going to do things to me I didn’t want. That the moment he probably got me in his house he was going to start touching me in ways I didn’t want to be touched. It made it hard to eat, hard to think.

  
“Hey,” Pat said looking at me closely putting his fork down, “You’re not eating. What’s going on?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m not hungry.”

  
“Come on,” he said motioning for me to follow him.

  
I did and he took me to the bathroom down the hallway where he shut the door quietly behind us. He then made sure no one was in the bathroom before speaking, “This is about Leo, isn’t it? He has you nervous?”

  
“I…don’t want to do this. I feel like I’m downing. I know what he’s going to do and I don’t want him to make me feel like that. To use me like that,” I broke. I started crying and Pat hugged me.

  
“I know Rabbit, I know,” he said hugging me to his chest, “I know I’m sorry. I wish I could make him leave you alone.”

  
“I just want you. I don’t want anyone else,” I begged hugging him closer pulling him tighter to me.

  
“I know,” he said, “Me too but, we can’t.”

  
“I want to so much though because you make them go away. You make my body feel like it’s mine and not theirs. I don’t want it to be theirs anymore. I want it to be mine. I don’t want them to be able to…” I words got stuck in my throat causing me to cough. I really didn’t want Leo anywhere near me. Especially with those metal rods he had used which I had tried to forget but couldn’t get out of my head.

  
“I’m sorry Rabbit, I wish I could stop them. I wish I could tell them to leave you alone and I could pluck out their eyes so they could never look at you like that again. So, you would always be safe but I can’t, not yet,” Pat said holding me tightly, “I’m sorry.”  
“I don’t want to go home with him,” I told Pat, “I’m scared. I’m so scared of what my Da is going to do to them while I’m gone.”

  
“Your brothers?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “I’ll check in on them ok? Your Da and Uncle don’t seem to be interested in me thankfully so maybe I can get Will to let me up, and I’ll hang out for a while. That way I can make sure they’re safe? I know it’s not really a good solution but you know I would never let anyone hurt them.”

  
“Would you do that? You and Cole? Just don’t let Cole make out with my brother please,” I said causing myself to smile and Pat to laugh in response.

  
“You know he wouldn’t do that if he was doing you a favor. That and Cole and Tosh are getting pretty serious,” Pat told me.

  
“Good so you think that’s over with?” I asked drying my tears with the back of my hand.

  
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He really seems to like Tosh a lot even though I think he’s trying to keep it casual just because he doesn’t want things to end the way they did with Justin. But, they seem to really like each other so I think Will’s chastity is safe.” Pat said.  
“Yeah sure,” I said rolling my eyes, “Now I just have to worry about my Da and his disgusting friends and my Uncle…none of them are safe in any means of the word.”

  
“Ok yeah it was a bad joke, sorry Rabbit,” Pat said getting serious, “I’ve got your back though. As much as I can. If you need anything from me, to check in on them and make sure they are ok that they aren’t being hurt. Just tell me and I’ll do it in a heartbeat ok? I love you. I’d do anything I can for you even if it’s hanging out with your little sisters and playing Barbie’s dolls for a couple hours every day on the weekend all right?” He said pressing his forehead to mine giving me that warm connection I needed. That touch I had been craving so badly.

  
I sighed allowing myself to relax. Massaging the back of his neck, allowing myself to melt into him as he wrapped his arms gently around me. We didn’t kiss but I wanted to. I wanted to pull his lips to mine and feel his tongue roll across mine and steal my breath in a good way. I wanted him to make my chest heave with want and desire, feel my body tingle with warmth and love. He kissed my forehead and untangled us pulling away gently unlocking my hands from around his neck.

  
“Let’s hurry up before the bell rings ok? Just a little bit of Gus left and then just two classes. And then you can think of me all right? Think of me protecting them as best we can while you can’t be there for them. I love you and we can do this. We can get through this weekend, this party and be ok and then Monday, after he drops you off if you really want to we’ll head to our place the bird watching house and we’ll spend some time together just me and you. We’ll be careful though all right?” He said to me.

  
I smiled at him sadly, “Ok.” I nodded my head.

  
I still didn’t want to go with Leo. I didn’t want to be away from them, or with him but knowing Pat would check on them and Cole, that they would hopefully keep Lord and Hank away or at least keep me informed of what was going on that made me feel better. It gave me some relief to know that even if I wasn’t ok that hopefully they would be.

  
Pat went to the door and I followed behind him and before he opened the door he kissed me quickly on the lips and then we headed towards McClairen’s classroom. McClairen kept staring at Pat, making me nervous. I didn’t want him looking at Pat like that. Thinking of him hurting Pat made me angry. No one was allowed to touch him like that and I could see it written all over McClairen’s face that it was something he wanted to do and was just waiting for an excuse to do it.

  
“And then what did they do next for mummification?” Father McClairen asked the classroom.

  
“They removed the internal organs?” Someone he picked on from the back asked.

  
“Yes, they removed the internal…organs,” he said looking at Pat and then clearing his throat.

  
“Organs make you nervous father?” Jesus asked.

  
“No, just need a glass of water,” he answered.

  
After that I tuned back out. I felt like not being there at all. I just wanted the day, the whole weekend to be over with. When the bell rang Pat rushed to me and pushed me out the door towards Dunbee’s classroom and we got there early.

  
“Mr. McGregor, Mr. Kingly, come on in,” he said looking at us and looking around the hallway shutting the door behind us, “I got your note Mr. McGregor and I’m going to try to take care of some of those things for you.”

  
“Yeah?” I asked.

  
“Yes, however my friend at the police department wants a name of who is making the allegations against the outsiders. You see, I have to report to authorities’ people who aren’t in the church. You understand what I’m saying?” he asked me quietly.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked confused.

  
“Well Mr. McGregor, it means I have to tell them your name. So, I’m asking your permission,” Father Dunbee answered.

  
“You can’t,” Pat said, “You can’t. They’ll kill him.”

  
“Mr. Kingly,” he sighed, “That’s why I called you in here. To tell you who my contact is because I know your father is involved in some…unsavory activities if I recall there were questions within the community that got swept under the rug when Charles passed. My contact is Detective Mason, Donald Mason do you know anything about him? Is he someone I can continue trusting?” He asked Pat.

  
Pat sighed running a hand through his hair, “Are you asking if he’s brotherhood or are you asking if he’s associated with them?”

  
“Both Mr. Kingly,” he answered.

  
“You can’t trust him,” Pat answered him, “He’s not brotherhood but he’s affiliated. His AOA is between 6 and 10 and he has two daughters. He’s a GL. So, I haven’t had a lot of contract with him for obvious reasons but he’s not a good guy. He works with my Dad sometimes but I don’t know he’s creepy.”

  
“What on earth did you just say?” I asked raising my eyebrow at him.

  
“It’s huh, sorry. My Dad works for the police department or in the police department for the brotherhood, yes? Well, they have a code they use to talk about things AOA is age of attraction meaning it’s the age range they like and GL is girl lover, BL boy lover and then CL is childlover which means both. They have exclusive, non-exclusive and then sadistic, non-sadistic, optimistic, preferential a bunch of different shit going on. I don’t know. I only learned the lingo because I listen to my dad talk to people. He thinks he’s speaking in code when he talks about a white chicken apa 10 going to market I know what he’s saying because I’ve read his emails. That’s the only reason I know,” Pat said as I stared at him wide-eyed and noticed how uncomfortable Father Dunbee looked.

  
“What is apa? Approximate age?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Pat said, “Chicken is another code for boy and hen is for girl white refers to skin color, market can be a meeting place of some kind usually. Where a coop is someone coming to you. I can show you some emails if you want me break it down for you.”

  
“Huh, no. I’m good,” I answered as Father Dunbee sighed.

  
“So, Mason is not to be trusted?” He asked.

  
“Yes, father. That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Pat answered.

  
“Are you how Will learned it?” I asked.

  
“Learned what? The hacking skills or the language?” Pat asked me.

  
“Both maybe,” I answered.

  
“Yes, and a little bit. I don’t know he’s a better hacker than I am so you’d have to ask him where he learned that,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders as Father Dunbee opened the door allowing other students in.

  
We sat down and he passed out a book for us to start reading. The catcher and the rye. It was a book I had never read and I wasn’t sure I wanted to read it personally. Not that I would have time to read it. He had the page numbers he wanted us to read on the broad and we read silently for most of class. I was thankful that all I had to do was read and it looked like more of the same was assigned for homework which I could hopefully get done in the next class.

  
When I bell rang I went to my next class to find that the T.A. was of course Luke. For some reason, I had figured it was probably Luke. He seemed like a nice guy but like he minded his own business which made him prefect for Saint Matt’s. There was a passivity about him. Like he knew what was going on and when he saw it he spoke up about how it was wrong, but didn’t do anything to stop it.

  
He made it perfectly clear to me when he had mentioned McClairen that he knew what had happened. He knew what was McClairen was doing in that room with me, a 13-year-old boy who obviously would not make the choice to have sex with a 45-year-old priest but he didn’t stop him. He hadn’t put his foot down and told him it was wrong even though I didn’t object. But I hadn’t objected because I was scared. I was scared he was going to tell my Da who would have made things worse.

  
I mean Father Dunbee wasn’t exactly my hero but he did what he could for me. He had gotten father Barren transferred, had given me some relief and saved me from some very very painful experiences. Luke however I felt conflicted about. He seemed like he cared but like he was afraid of something. Not that I didn’t get fear because I did. Back in that time I lived fear, fear was my constant companion. Fear for myself, for Pat, for whatever we were, for my brothers and sisters. For their lives and their experiences. Fear because I couldn’t protect them, fear for my mum and her life. I was a walking, talking, shivering ball of fear.

  
“Ok today since it’s our second class and we ran out of time last time we met we’re going to play an introduction game; two truths and a lie. What you do is you come up here to the front of the room and you say your name and then give us two truths about yourself and a lie. I know we are all young men here but because we are gentlemen we are going to stay appropriate. You can say you have a girlfriend but nothing sexual and no foul language understand? If you know what someone’s lie is excuse yourself from voting. Let’s start with Mr. McGregor,” Luke said, “Come on down!” He said and then laughed making everyone in the room give him a weird look.

  
“You know? The price is right? Come on down!” It was so silent you could hear pin drop, “ok I can see that is before your time never mind, get up here Mr. McGregor.”

  
I sighed and stood up making my way towards the front of the classroom. Why on earth did I have to be first? “Can it be anything?” I asked.

  
“Yes, anything you can think of as long as it’s school appropriate,” Luke answered.

  
“Ok my first name is John, my last name is McGregor obviously, I huh…2 truths and a lie? Let’s see, I have 11 brothers and sisters, I huh oh geeze, I was born in London and. I don’t know? I am rich?” I finished.

  
“Ok now who is excused from answering? Can you tell me?”

  
“Dom, Cole and Pat would be excused because they know enough about me that they can probably tell through deduction which is the lie,” I answered.

  
“Ok who thinks that him having 11 brothers and sisters is a lie?” Luke asked and most of the class raised their hand, “Oh boy, well apparently a lot of people think that’s a lie. What about being born in London? No one thinks that is a lie probably the accent. What about how rich he is? No one believes that’s a lie. You want to tell us what the lie is or go through your truths firsts?” Luke asked me.

  
“Ok, well the first is true. Believe it or not I have 11 brothers and sisters. I am the oldest the youngest are 10 months old my family is very…catholic?” I answered and watched everyone’s mouths drop in shock, “Yeah it’s a busy house. I am rich and I know the accent throws people a bit but I was actually born in New York and grew up in London from the like 2 to 4 and then moved back here and then went there to boarding school when I was 9 until I was 12. I’ve only been back in the states for a little over a year,” I answered.

  
“Good to know. Next Jesus,” Luke said.

  
I went and sat down and Jesus came up to the front of the room and turned to face the room smiling, “My name is Jesus Diaz and I was born in Mexico. My Dad is a janitor. I have four sisters.”

  
“Anyone excused?” He asked.

  
“Yeah Rogues and Jones,” he answered.

  
“Ok who thinks that Mr. Diaz was born in Mexico?” Luke asked and about three people raised their hand, “Who thinks his dad is a Janitor? No one? Ok and who thinks he has four sisters? Everyone. Ok tell us your truths and then reveal your lie Mr. Diaz,” Luke said.

  
“I do actually have four sisters believe it or not my family like John’s is very Catholic,” he said causing everyone to laugh, “My dad is a Janitor and a damn good one and owns the company he works for actually and I was not born in Mexico I was born in Michigan.”

  
“Ok now Mr. Jones,” Luke said, “Come up here and tell us your truths and your lie.”

  
“I’m Tim, Tim Jones. I do stand-up comedy professionally. I’m the youngest of two and I play on the football team. Exempt are Davis and Blitzer and Diaz.”

  
“Ok who thinks that he does stand-up comedy professionally?” Luke asked and no one raised their hand, “So everyone agrees that the other two are probably the truth?” Everyone nodded their heads.

  
“You are right gentlemen and hoodlums,” Tim said, “However it is my one true goal in life because if you have a face like this you need some type of talent…” Tim said and bunch of people laughed.

  
“Ok Blizter,” Luke said.

  
I remember most of that class was taken up by two truths and a lie I learned that Howie Blitzer spent his vacation in Spain, Michael Davis went to public school until he was 11, Caesar Rogues lives with his extended family David Kolthoff was born in France and Samuel Kilpatrick’s grandfather was born a slave. After that we just kind of goofed around for most of the hour. My mood falling with every second the clock ticked away towards school letting out.

  
When the bell rang I stood up grabbing my bag off the floor next to me and looked at Pat who was waiting for me by the door he slapped me on the back lightly when I reached him, “It’ll be ok, just think of what’s happening after you leave. After the weekend is over and do what you have to do all right?” he reminded me.

  
“Yeah, I know,” I answered quietly.

  
Pat sighed looking at me, “Rabbit, I know it sucks and I wish I could do something to make it not happen but you know I can’t and so do I. Just know I love you ok? And I’m here for you. Monday we’ll go to our spot and we’ll just chill. Just try to block it out especially the party on Saturday because I don’t have anything I can give you and Vic is being very careful lately,” Pat told me.

  
“Yeah, I noticed,” I answer trying to not think of Vic. Of how he had shoved his tongue in my ass just to prove to my Da that he was in the brotherhood and supported the ideals the brotherhood shared.

  
“What does that mean?” He asked me as we started walking down the hallway.

  
“Nothing, just I noticed,” I answered exhaling heavily.

  
“No, that means something Rabbit. I know you,” Pat said touching my shoulder gently, “Talk to me please?”

  
“I’d rather just not, all right?” I said looking at Pat, “But, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to trust him.”

  
“He’s being closely watched because they are pretty sure he’s how your mom got you guys out,” Pat told me, “He’s the only one of them we can trust. I read the emails my Dad sends out and gets. Trust me on this.”

  
“I can’t trust him ok? I can’t. He has to earn it back. I don’t care why he …” I sighed deciding I was shutting the conversation down, “Look I have other stuff I have to worry about like how I’m going to get through whatever it is they are planning to do to me or Will because I’m pretty sure Will is coming to this party too.”

  
“I know,” he said to me, “I love you and I’ll see you Saturday all right?”

  
“I don’t know if seeing you Saturday is a good idea considering how badly you’re going to want to protect me and how badly I’m going to want to do the same for you. Maybe we should split custody of our group?” I asked causing both of us to smile lightly.  
“Ok, I’ll talk to Cole You take Dom and I’ll stick with my brother?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, and you can have Tosh and I’ll have my brother,” I answered.

  
“Nah, you have to take Tosh I think,” Pat told me, “Cole and he are getting close and I don’t want…”

  
“I got you,” I said nodding my head as we made it down the bus depo and stopped in front of the bus, “Well here’s your ride. I have to go find mine.”

  
“Yeah, I’ll see you later ok?” He said his eyes sad even though he was smiling.

  
“Yeah later,” I said waving as I turned and walked away.

  
I wasn’t looking forward to this. Every cell in my body was telling me to get on the bus, to run the other way but I knew I couldn’t that if I did I would be punished somehow. I watched the bus pull away trying to stay calm. Trying to keep myself numb and not think about what I was walking into.


	25. 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets through the school week only to spent another weekend at Leo's before the upcoming party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 461 to 478. **Warnings** Rape/non-con, bullying, taunting, forced Oral,

I remember seeing his SUV and everything feeling like it was going in slow motion feeling like my ears had quit working and all I could hear was the blood rushing around my body. I was scared. I couldn’t help it not sure if he was going to be nice or if he was going to hurt me the moment I got into the car. That stupid fucking car.

  
I saw it and my hearing finally started to come back even though the impulse to run away was like an itch I wasn’t allowed to scratch. He pulled up next to me a rolled down his window.

  
“Hi John, come on.” He said simply.

  
I opened the passenger door and climbed in doing up my own seat belt not sure if I could speak, not sure if I wanted to. He was going to take me to his house so he could rape me. So, he could use me and make me hate myself and everything else in my life. So, he could remind me how little I actually mattered to anyone.

  
“How was this week?’ He asked me.

  
I didn’t reply he gave me a couple minutes as we pulled out of the parking lot back onto the street before he spoke, “You know I asked you a question, right? I don’t have to be mean John it’s polite to speak to someone when they talk to you.”  
“Sorry,” I answered, “It was all right.”

  
“Anything interesting happen I mean it was the first week of school,” He asked me.

  
“Not really,” I answered, “I have a good number of friends in most of my classes.”

  
“Good, that’s nice. What do you think of your teachers?” He asked me.

  
“Some of them seem nice and some of them not so much,” I answered, “I know Finick and McClairen from last year neither one of them is very nice.”

  
“Yeah but you got A’s in their classes last year, didn’t you? So, you have to define nice because I think it’s pretty nice that they gave you A’s when you hardly did any class work,” Leo commented.

  
“What they did instead wasn’t very nice,” I said.

  
“What? Making you earn your grade? Beautiful it’s much easier to do it that way then actually sit down and study you realize, that right?” He said putting his hand on my knee making me jump.

  
“I didn’t…I was ok with failing,” I managed to mumble grabbing the door to make sure I didn’t push his hand away.

  
“Well I’m glad you didn’t fail,” he said.

  
“I almost did I went to summer school in Montana,” I told him.

  
“Well, you didn’t fail. Probably half the reason why is what they did for you letting you earn your grades like that,” He said as he turned the blinker on and hit the button opening the garage door to his condo.

  
I tensed every muscle in my body going stiff causing me to sit up straighter. I didn’t want to go into that house. That house meant I would be pressed into his bed at any second maybe even with a rod shoved up my shaft burning, hurting. I tried to make myself appear calm but I knew he knew I wasn’t stupid.

  
“It’s ok beautiful, there’s nothing to be scared of I promise,” He said as he pulled into the garage and shut it behind car with the click of a button.

  
“Leo?” I asked as he opened the car door.

  
“Yeah?” He asked me stopping and looking at me.

  
“Why me?” I asked.

  
“I thought I already explained that didn’t I? That you’re beyond prefect for me, you’re the right age, the right personality and one of the most attractive people I’ve ever seen in my life,” He repeated what he had told me last weekend.

  
“Right,” I answered barely above a whisper.

  
“Hey, I won’t hurt you ok? I know last time was uncomfortable it probably burned a little the sounding, but you’ll get used to it. Pretty sure it won’t hurt at all it just takes a couple of times ok?” He said getting out of the car and coming around opening my door, “Come on,” He said holding his arms open like he wanted to hug me as I undid my seat belt looking at him.

  
“Leo please?” I said biting my lower lip. I didn’t want him to touch me, not like that. I didn’t want to feel his arms around me like he was trying to comfort me when all he wanted to do was hurt me and I knew it.

  
“Come on beautiful, no resisting I don’t like to have to restrain remember?” He said and I sighed stepping out of the car into his arms him burying his face in my neck immediately. Making me shiver, “It’s ok, it’s ok baby.”

  
“No,” I said as he slid his hands down my back grabbing my waist.

  
“Yeah, it’s ok let’s go upstairs, all right?” He said laying a gentle peck on my neck before pulling away and grabbing my hand so he could lead me upstairs.

  
“Leo please, I don’t want to,” I said as I stopped walking.

  
“I know baby but I’ll make you feel so good,” He said turning around and looking at me smiling at me warmly but his eyes hungry, cold, “Relax I’m not going to hurt you I promise.”

  
He finished leading me up the stairs and into his Condo the whiteness of the place standing out at me again as he took my backpack from me and put it on the coat rack by the door and he held out his hand. I looked at him confused.

  
“Blazer beautiful,” He said telling me why his hand was out, “I know the air is on but it’s not that cold in here that and I’d rather gather it all right now that way I can take it to the dry cleaners on our way to the Villa tomorrow ok?”

  
“Oh,” I said quietly taking off my blazer and handing it to him for him to hang up on the rack as well.

  
“Ok, give me the rest,” He said, “Don’t make me undress you because while that’s hot I tend to get a little impatient and that’s how you lost buttons remember? I can’t hand the dry cleaner a shirt with no buttons it might cause some issues.”

  
I nodded my head, “Right.” I took off my vest and tie handing them to him and then sighed realizing I was without most of the layers I relied on most days to keep me safe, allow me to feel safe. I looked at him begging him with my eyes to let me keep the clothes on I had left.

  
“It’s ok beautiful, I know taking off your clothes makes you kind of nervous I’ve noticed but there’s nothing to be nervous about, you have a very very beautiful body just take those off for me so I can put them together and make sure they get to the dry cleaners tomorrow ok?”

  
“I don’t want to,” I said.

  
“Can you tell me why?” He asked me.

  
“Because it’s my body and I don’t want…” He cut me off.

  
“Shhh…hey I’m paying good money ok? I can make it feel good, right? Make your body feel good?” He said grabbing me tightly by the hips grinding against me rubbing his pelvis against my stomach.

  
“I don’t want to take my clothes off,” I said again.

  
“Come on, it’s ok I’m not going to hurt you,” Leo answered.

  
I swallowed trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I undid the buttons on my dress shirt slowly until it got to where my shirt was tucked into my trousers and then I stopped my hands no longer steady. I didn’t want Leo to touch me, I didn’t want to be naked in front of him not again. The things he did to me I didn’t want him doing those things.

  
“Here, let me,” He said reaching down and unbuttoning it the rest of the way taking it off my arms and his hands went to my belt undoing it and taking it off as he set it gently on the table next to us his hand going to my fly and undoing my pants letting them drop around my ankles as he stepped back smiling at me, “God you are beautiful.”

  
“No, I’m not,” I answered.

  
“Yes, you are,” He said cupping my chin gently, “You’re very beautiful, take off your shoes and socks ok?”

  
I nodded my head and took off my socks and shoes kicking them off so I was standing there in my boxer briefs and undershirt feeling like my chest was tight like I was going to hyperventilate because he was staring at me, his eyes never leaving my body as he watched me. I might have been 13 but I felt like I was that four-year-old kid begging my Da to let me get ready for bed on my own because he wouldn’t stop looking at me, wouldn’t stop touching me.

  
I wrapped my arms around myself trying to shield myself from his eyes. I didn’t want to be this exposed in front of him. Feel this naked knowing he was going to be climbing on top of me once I was naked that he was going to be shoving parts of his body into mine making my whole being tingle, ripping my soul to pieces and I had to let him. I had to let him or else face the consequences of it at home. Face my Da possibly punishing me the same way Leo and Hank and Da and Uncle Ben had Punished Pat by making me watch as they hurt someone I loved, it being my fault that they did it and having to know that, to live with that feeling.

  
“Hey, it’s ok you’re really ok I’m not going to hurt you I promise, why are you so nervous?” Leo asked me.

  
“I…I don’t know,” I answered.

  
I knew he was going to start getting mad but I felt like, taking off my clothes the rest of the way was going to earn me serious pain and I knew once I took them off they weren’t going back on until it was those sweats just to get to the Villa and then naked again until Sunday morning for mass. I felt like taking off my clothes meant giving something away that I wasn’t willing to let go of.

  
“Is it because of the party this weekend is that why you’re so nervous?” He asked me.

  
“Maybe,” I asked.

  
“Come on,” He said grabbing my hand and leading me back into the condo through the house and into his bedroom. He didn’t waste much time taking my shirt my off because I didn’t fight him. I knew not to fight him because he didn’t like fighting back as he constantly told me.

  
He kissed me, pushing me back onto the bed. His hands running up and down my ribs making me whimper. I didn’t want this I didn’t want him to do this.

  
“Don’t,” I said trying my hardest not to push him away.

  
“It’s ok baby,” He cooed into my right nipple grabbing the waist band of my boxers starting to roll them down and off my body. He said standing up and walking away peeling his shirt off of his body and hurrying out of his clothes as he went a grabbed some lube out of his night stand and then came back to me starting up where he left off kissing down my body as I started shaking.

  
“Ok beautiful it’s ok, give me what you’ve got,” He said spreading my legs so he could lay in-between them kissing me his finger circling around my asshole tickling.

  
“ah…” it escaped my mouth before I could stop it.

  
“It’s ok baby,” He said, “I’m just going to make it feel nice ok?” he said sliding his fingers in.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head grabbing his shoulders, “No.”

  
“It’s ok just let it happen, let it feel good,” He said kissing his way down my hips with and taking my penis in his other hand as he added another finger to the one already inside of me.

  
“I don’t want it to,” I said as I felt that warmness around me, that wetness, “STOP!”

  
I really didn’t want him to do that. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want him doing this to me. I didn’t want him to be able to make me feel these things.

  
He sucked me until I was hard his fingers hitting against that spot until he had me quiet barely whimpering. And then he slid into me kissing my face my neck and shoulders as my body adjusted to his.

  
“It’s ok baby, it’s ok, let it feel good just relax,” he muttered into my ear.

  
“Please,” I said looking into his eyes and not seeing any regret there any empathy just seeing how bad he wanted what he was doing.

  
“Just let it happen,” He said starting to slide out making the first thrusts stealing my breath away, “God I love you so much.” He breathed into my skin my mouth going wide as he rocked into me hitting against that spot right away him already knowing my body knowing the angle he needed in order to make my eyes bug out and make me moan.

  
“NO,” I begged.

  
“It’s ok beautiful it’s ok just let me do it, let me show you how much I love you,” He said.

  
“STOP PLEASE I DON’T, I DON’T….” I stammered, “STOP FUCK”

  
I whimpered. I started crying as he kept going bringing us closer to climax. He kept going, and I couldn’t that cold fire stealing my breath spreading up my spine that pressure building and before I knew it we had both climaxed, even though he didn’t pull out he laid there on top of me rubbing his hands through my hair trying to comfort me. Telling me it was ok that I had been good, that I was so good that I felt so…tight and tasted so nice and all of those other horrible things they always said to me.  
When he did pull out he pulled me close to his chest resting my head against it making me listen to his heart beat, “See baby? You relaxed me, you helped me feel so good and I know it felt good to you too.” He cooed rubbing my shoulder as I laid there in his arms waiting, praying he would just let me go so I could shower, so I could wash him out of me, off of me.

  
After a while he got up grabbing us both some clothes and he did allow me to shower on my own. It didn’t give me any relief though knowing that I was stuck with him for the weekend, that even after the Villa was over I’d probably come back here just for him to push me again, to make me do that again while he made me face him so I had to look at him, to watch him. When I was done showering I got out and put on the sweats he provided me with curling into a ball in the bed where he had made me have sex with him because I couldn’t bear to go out into the living room where he was sitting. I think I cried myself to sleep because the next thing I remember the sun was starting to set though the window.

  
I used my arms to prop myself up rubbing my face, still laying on my side. I didn’t expect him to be there I expected him to be gone but when he saw me move he came and sat in the bed next to me, “Hi there, did you sleep good?”

  
I shifted uncomfortably. I didn’t want him that close to me, I was sore and afraid. I didn’t want to have to deal with him just yet.

  
“It’s ok beautiful,” He said, “Nothing like that right now Rich is on his way over.”

  
“Rich?” I asked frowning.

  
“Yeah, there is a Villa party tomorrow so he’s going to come with us. He’s been talking about recruit track and I have to say that while I’m surprised it’s makes me happy. Just be nice to him if he wants anything give it to him all right? I don’t know I think if I let him have a taste of what it feels like to be in charge it might be that much more convincing that it’s the right track to follow,” Leo told me.

  
He was asking me to let Rich touch me if he wanted. I wasn’t ok with that. Not with someone my own age. It was hard enough letting them force someone my age to do it, making me do it to them I didn’t want to.

  
“I can’t,” I said actually looking him in the face.

  
“You will if he asks,” Leo told me giving me a stern cold look, “Otherwise you know my friend Dobbs and how it is going to be one on one? I can tell him to do whatever he wants and like I said he likes group activities all right beautiful? I don’t want you hurt but…group stuff can be fun, right?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want group stuff. Group stuff meant to me Hank and Arthur stringing me from the ceiling and whipping me while they licked my body, group stuff meant someone shoving their dick in my mouth while someone else did me from behind, group stuff meant bad things, very bad things.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head. I hated Dick before I really hated him now. If he tried to touch me I was going to punch him even though I didn’t think he was interested in me at all considering how badly he treated me. I didn’t want to even think of Dick touching me, the things he might make me do. I felt cold inside, “Can I have a shirt while he’s here?”

  
“No, I think you’re fine,” He said, “I don’t mind being able to look and who knows it might tempt Rich? I’d actually really enjoy watching that, you can be good for him if he wants it can’t you beautiful?” He asked me making me look away.

  
“No look at me beautiful,” He said cupping my cheek forcing me to look in his eyes, “You’re so amazing. Everything about you is prefect.”

  
“You keep saying that and I’m not,” I answered.

  
“But you are baby,” He said kissing my forehead, “Come on you can go get on the computer if you want, get used to using one.”

  
“Get on the computer?” I asked, “At home I’m hardly allowed to use it I mean I have an AOL account but I’m not really allowed to be on the computer.”

  
“Yeah, you can be on the computer baby of course, go chat do whatever you want, play some games,” He said and as I got up getting out of the bed and stretching, “God you’re so prefect.”

  
I froze mid-stretch and stopped. I hated them. I hated that they made compliments feel so dirty and gross. They only said those things to me because they were thinking of me as an object.

  
I got up and went to the computer room and opened up AOL. I checked my email and then found a website where I started playing games that had a built-in chatroom. You could play games with the computer or with someone online. I chose to play a game by myself not really wanting to talk with anyone.

  
After a while someone instant messaged me which I found confusing. I hadn’t given my name out to anyone new recently and this person wasn’t on my friends list. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk at all at first and just stared at the “hi” from RocketLauncher72. I had no idea who that was or what they wanted but decided to answer. My username was TrebleJ04 just because I liked music and it didn’t give away a lot about me and met requirements like a capital letter and a number.

  
Me: Hello?

  
RocketLauncher72: Hi there, I saw you’re in the solitaire room, why solitaire when there are so many other games you can play?

  
Me: Because I like it?

  
RocketLauncher72: Lol ok…not in the mood to talk?

  
Me: No, I’ll talk, just I don’t know…

  
RocketLauncher72: Ok  a/s/l?

  
Me: What does that mean? I don’t talk a lot online so…

  
RocketLauncher72: Oh! A newbie huh that’s ok it means age/sex/location I’m 27/m/Georgia

  
Me: 13/m/FL

  
RocketLauncher72: Cool! ur parents won’t be mad you’re talking to someone older, will they? Because if I so I can leave you alone you know. Don’t want to get you into trouble.

  
Me: At a friend’s house parents aren’t here right now. I don’t get online much anyway so I don’t care.

  
RocketLauncher72: Cool, so what do you do with your time if you aren’t online?

  
Me: School, hang out with my friends and stuff.

  
RocketLauncher72: Sounds like fun…

  
The conversation went on for a while. He didn’t seem like a bad guy but something didn’t seem right. I kept it polite though and ended up adding him to my buddy list anyway making sure he knew I didn’t get on that often. When I decided I’d had enough of the computer I went out into the living room to find Dick sitting there on the couch watching TV.

  
“Hi,” He said looking at me causing me to fold my arms in front of myself.

  
I felt naked, not having a shirt my scars very visible or so I thought. I didn’t like not having a shirt but didn’t have anything to cover myself with and his eyes just made me feel that much more naked. He sighed turning his eyes back to the TV.

  
“Dad been keeping you busy?” He asked causing me to shift not wanting to answer the question knowing what he was inferring.

  
“Why do you care?” I asked.

  
“I don’t, just making conversation,” He answered, “I’m supposed to be nice to you.”

  
“Yeah, I’ve been told I’m supposed to be nice to you,” I replied.

  
“Well that makes sense considering it’s my house,” he said glancing at me quickly and then glancing away as I sat down in a chair a bit away from him.

  
“It’s might be your house but I’m stuck here so…” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Don’t act like your treated badly. I bet with my Dad you’re like his fucking pillow princess,” he said shaking his head.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“God, I don’t ever remember being as stupid as you are, pillow princess it means you receive but don’t give…you know you get it but…” Dick explained smirking at me, “We’re all pillow princesses at your age don’t worry about it.”

  
“Oh,” I said and I felt my face heating up. I didn’t want to talk about sex. Especially not with him especially if he wanted to have it because I didn’t want him to even think that touching me was ok, that it was something I would let happen even though I was told I had to let it if he wanted it.

  
“So, are you or do you give sometimes too?” He asked me.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Are you ever on top?” He snorted looking at me briefly again before turning his eyes back to the TV changing the channel.

  
“Huh, once,” I answered feeling shy about it.

  
“Well good for you don’t think my first-time topping was until I was like 15. It was with some scrawny kid he was young too. It sure beats being on bottom though,” He told me.

  
I went to go walk away. I didn’t want to talk about my sex life with him, this was gross, “Wait,” he said making me stop dead.

  
“What?” I asked turning back looking at him feeling anxious.

  
“Entertain me,” He said turning off the TV looking at me.

  
I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant and was afraid to know what he was talking about. I sighed looking at him sitting back down. I was praying to god he didn’t mean what I thought he meant as I looked at him silently.

  
“You’re supposed to be entertaining me, you sitting there in silence staring at me like I’m some type of fucking alien isn’t entertaining,” Dick said.

  
“H-H-How do I…I mean what exactly do you want me to do?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know tell me something about yourself, your family your day whatever I don’t care, recite a poem, whatever,” Dick answered.

  
“I have 11 siblings,” I answered.

  
“And what are they like? Are you the youngest or what?” He asked me.

  
“I’m the oldest I have my brother Will who is 11 and then Mike and Matt are 9 James is 7 Catherine is 5, Laura and Andrew are 2 Malachy will be 2 next week and then Seamus and Mary are almost one,” I answered.

  
“You have three siblings that are 2?” He asked me.

  
“One is a set of twins the other was…I don’t know he’s randomly close in birth to the other two. They are going to be three soon though the Laura and Andy,” I answered.

  
“Don’t they call that Irish twins?” He asked me.

  
“Well two of them are already twins so I’m not sure that would be the right expression in their case,” I answered.

  
“What’s it like having sisters? I mean I have an older brother but I’ve never had a sister,” He asked me.

  
“Well they are all younger than me, I play a lot of Barbie’s and tea party for them usually just because those are the type of things they really like to do. Potty training is interesting,” I answered.

  
“Wait you’re potty training your siblings?” He asked me.

  
“Huh, yeah my mom is in the hospital and my Da is…I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “So that leaves me, Alice and Will and Alice goes home after like 5 so then it just depends on who is around, but I mean potty training in general is interesting however Andy we just put on the toilet and tell him to aim, Laura we have to hold her on there because if we don’t she wiggles around and will fall in, that happened when Will was watching her once, and then we have to help her wipe which is kind of weird really but it is what it is. She’s actually doing a lot better than Andy who seemed to like wet the bed and that’s just gross but usually that’s something Alice takes care of.”

  
“So, you get to touch your sister’s pussy?” Dick asked me smiling.

  
“Huh she’s 2,” I said, “I don’t really think about it like that.”

  
“Really? That’s new considering…” I cut him off.

  
“I don’t see my little sisters like that ok? They’re babies, they are little girls who I still read bedtime stories to so if you don’t mind…” I huffed disgusted at Dick.

  
That was disgusting that he would ever think of anyone like that. I never have and never will understand how you can see someone so little as something sexual. Little children especially little little children there is nothing sexual or attractive about them for me especially my siblings. I used to hide Will in a closet to keep him safe, I had rocked each and every one of them to sleep at one point or another, I read them bed time stories and kissed them good night and bandaged their boo boos and fed them dinner and bathed them and I found nothing sexual about them at all. I would rather kill myself then ever think of any of them like that.

  
Dick laughed, “Sorry dude, I just considering your Dad I thought…never mind.”

  
“She’s like 2 literally though. That’s sick,” I answered, “Like are you kidding me?”

  
“Well your Dad likes touching little kids so, I thought… You know…” he said.

  
“You don’t know anything about my Da. Don’t pretend you do,” I hissed.

  
“What? Daddy still likes you best?” He asked me.

  
“Don’t,” I said quietly.

  
“He does, doesn’t he?” Dick said smiling at me shaking his head, “That sucks. You would think he would have a thing for babies considering he has so many of them. That after they got too old for him he’d just have another one.”

  
“When did you outgrow yours?” I asked getting angry reaching my limit.

  
“Hey,” he said tensing up, “We were talking about yours.”

  
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You don’t talk about mine I won’t talk about yours, ok? Because if anyone has the right to talk about your Dad it’s me,” I pointed out.

  
“Why because he shoves his dick up your ass all weekend long? He wouldn’t be able to do that if your Dad didn’t agree to it. Which makes me wonder if you really are his favorite because if you were why would he share you? Because you see my Dad never shared me when I was your age. My Dad didn’t become a part of the brotherhood until I was ten how old were you?” He asked.

  
“Last year,” I answered.

  
“Really?” He asked looking at me, “I don’t know, usually that type of behavior goes on longer than that I think. Once a freak always a freak and apparently my dad was banging little boys before him and mom got married. She thought he would change once they got together. Once they started having kids and he didn’t, he’s driven her into therapy you know that?”

  
“Sounds to me like you need therapy,” I said.

  
“Are you calling me crazy?” He hissed.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think you’re crazy I just…you seem angry.”

  
“Well I would think you would be angrier then I am, considering what’s going on. The fact that you’re stuck here. I mean, unless of course you like it,” Dick said.

  
I sighed. I was done talking about this, I didn’t need to be reminded of this. That this was my life, all that I was, “Have I entertained you enough?” I asked.

  
“No, I want to know if you like it. I mean my Dad isn’t bad looking but I personally never enjoyed it,” he answered me.

  
“No, I don’t,” I answered.

  
“You know once we hit a certain age they have us watch the videos on the website right? I’ve seen some videos that would suggest otherwise. The way your face kind of … want to see? You have a good fuck face like you’re enjoying it. Probably why Chad talks about you all the time. How he hates the fact you’re a five. Can I admit I find you interesting? But, I’m not sure I want my Dad’s sloppy seconds?”

  
I couldn’t help myself I started tearing up. I didn’t want to have sex with him and that was where this was leading. He was telling me that everyone just saw me as a whore. That everyone had seen the videos, seen what they had done to me. That everyone knew and no one cared. Or if they did care it was only because they wanted to join in.

  
“Aww, baby going to cry?” Dick taunted.

  
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” I said.

  
“Would you rather suck my dick?” He asked standing up and coming towards me.

  
“Rich please?” I begged looking at him.

  
Just then Leo cleared his throat drawing our attention, “Too late Rich he’s mine.”

  
“Oh, come on Dad. Can you gag him at least so I don’t have to hear him scream?” Dick said frowning.

  
“I personally enjoy it you don’t want to hear it put on some headphones and listen to music, turn up the volume on the TV,” Leo said, “Come on baby…” he said looking at me.

  
I shook my head pulling my knees to my chest. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to have sex with him or Dick I didn’t want to be here anymore. I’d rather be anywhere else.

  
“Come on baby, don’t make me walk over there and get you,” Leo said to me.

  
I sighed and stood up. I walked towards him slowly just hoping he wouldn’t touch me like that in front of Dick, give him ideas or ammunition. I couldn’t believe Chad had a thing for me, or Dick. I felt sick to my stomach as Leo put his arm around my shoulder walking me back to his bedroom and shutting the door and locking it. I shook myself trying to shake my anxiety out.

  
“Come here baby,” He said grabbing me, holding my face to his chest and petting me.

  
“Leo please, I don’t want to have sex right now,” I begged my whole-body tense.

  
“But I’ll make it feel really nice, I heard you and Dick talking, why didn’t you tell him anything?” He asked me.

  
“About what?” I asked.

  
“Your dad,” he said, “You could have told him you know? He has a lot in common with you, you know?”

  
“I don’t see how,” I replied.

  
“Well, Rich was my bedmate for only a little while but, I broke him in. Took him to his first party. He was a sweet boy when he was your age very…” Leo licked his lips looking at me as I sat down on the bed curling in on myself.

  
“I wouldn’t want to rape someone,” I said.

  
“You think this is rape? No baby what Hank does to you is rape, rape hurts this…this is what would be considered consensual. I got your ok. You said you wanted to have sex with only me and we’re having sex. You told me you wanted it,” he said.

  
“I don’t want it anymore, and I wasn’t talking about you he asked me if I liked wiping my little sister when I said I help potty train her. I don’t think of it that way I changed her diapers she’s one of my babies,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What do you mean one of your babies?” He asked me sitting down next to me.

  
“My Da, I was barely potty trained when my Da started doing things. I…my mum and I we have never trusted him to do those things because he will hurt them. I know he will and so does she so we do them instead. I don’t know you might not understand it but I have never thought of touching them like that not ever,” I said.

  
“So, you take care of them?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“You know apart of really loving them like you should is teaching them things, things that will help them,” he told me.

  
“Yeah, I take care of them, I do take care of them and teach them things that will help them but, I don’t believe what you’re talking about is one of the things they need to know,” I hissed.

  
“Well, if your Daddy didn’t teach you imagine how much pain you would be in every time you lay down with me,” he said touching my shoulder.

  
“It’s not right. That’s not something you do .I don’t know why you guys think it’s ok,” I said.

  
“Well, back in Greece, in other civilizations before Christianity. It was common for older men to teach young men about their bodies. To teach them how to feel good, how to touch themselves. How to be prolific lovers. If they hadn’t our population would be extinct because they wouldn’t know how to please their women. You want to grow up and know how to please a woman, don’t you? And in turn hopefully when you have a son you’ll teach him or find someone who will,” Leo answered.

  
“Even if they didn’t want to?” I asked.

  
“Well, you’re a kid. You don’t what you want, baby. Like I’m sure you don’t like eating your vegetables sometimes but, that doesn’t mean eating them is bad for you. It’s actually really good for you,” Leo said starting to rub my collar bone almost like he was petting me.

  
I felt sick. I allowed him to push me backward, lay me down he kissed my hand and up my arm into my shoulder and chest. I closed my eyes trying to block it out, trying to block him out and he grabbed my chin.

  
“Open your eyes,” He whispered pulling me back onto the bed up towards the pillows.

  
I opened my eyes looking at him but not wanting to, not wanting to see that look in his eyes as his hands went to my sweats the only thing I was wearing and started pulling them down my hips. I knew I had to, that I didn’t have a choice that he wasn’t going to give me one so I exhaled deeply and allowed his tongue past my lips as he went to kiss me. He broke our kiss to peel himself out of his own clothing and then stopped smiling at me.

  
“What?” I asked confused and naked.

  
“Nothing, hold on just a second,” He said reaching up and grabbing something on the canopy adjusting it and then pushing a button before he climbed back on top of me.

  
I didn’t even see what he had touched and then his hands were on my hips him pressing his body against mine hard making me gasps in surprise as he buried his face in my chest kissing and licking my nipples.

  
I shook my head, “Please? Please sto….” I started pleading as he grabbed my dick and started rubbing it.

  
“That’s it baby,” He said as I started getting hard him kissing down towards my waist licking along the top of my pelvis.

  
“No,” I said as he put me in his mouth and started licking and sucking gently wrapping his arms around my legs in order to keep them spread his tongue licking my inner thighs his one hand massaging my balls gently as he licked the underside of my shaft making me moan again. God, I hated it. It felt so…invasive not good even though he was flooding my body with that feeling.

  
“Stop,” I begged as he kept going pulling me closer to orgasm his one hand finally letting go my leg as he pushed his fingers up my asshole starting to move inside me as I screamed begging him to stop, pleading with him to stop, crying as he made me orgasm and then finally falling silent my chest heaving.

  
He climbed on top of me and didn’t waste any time pushing inside of me one hand on my chest as he rolled his hips backwards keeping me in place as he pulled out of me. I gasped my eyes going wide as I shook my head no longer able to speak feeling like I could barely breathe.

  
“I know baby,” he muttered leaning forward over me, “I know it’s ok.”

  
I shook my head again, telling him no the only way my body would let me. not being able to speak. Every single roll of his hips pulling him against or apart from that spot that made my whole-body tingle. I whimpered and moaned underneath him wishing he would just stop. That he would just finish but he kept going, grabbing my chin so that I didn’t look away from him as I kept shaking my head.

  
“I know. You’re being such a good boy though. your prefect. So prefect, you feel so tight and nice and prefect baby. You know that, right?” He said as he kept pounding into me.

  
“Ahhh,” I managed as a reply his body still inside mine, his sweat making me feel slick and gross.

  
“It’s ok baby,” He said leaning over top of me.

  
“S-s-s-s-st-ooo-pp,” I barely managed to get out his body pushing mine closer to orgasm, closer to where he wanted it to be.

  
“It’s ok baby just cum for me,” He said kissing my neck.

  
I shook my head furiously.

  
“Yeah come on baby, you see that right there, that’s my friends they’re watching us and they want you to cum too, they want you to feel good and to make me feel good. Cum for us ok? Cum for us and I’ll cum and then I’ll clean you up make you feel nice and warm and good make you see stars,” Leo told me.

  
“NO,” I whimpered, “NO!”

  
“It’s ok baby, it’s ok just cum for me, show me how much you love me,” He said picking up his pace going harder and faster.

  
He was raping me in front of people and I hadn’t known it. His camera is what he had touched that was hooked to the canopy. I felt like screaming but found myself out of breath again just from the two no’s I was able to manage my eyes starting to roll as my body starting stiffening with the power of my orgasm.

  
“God yes, that’s right! Right there oh yeah!” He shouted as he came inside of me leaving us both breathless and gasping for air as he collapsed on top of me. He barely waited before he started kissing down my body sending sparks up and down my spine.  
“Please stop,” I begged him starting to cry as he started licking my cum off of my stomach, “No stop,” I begged grabbing him by the hair and pulling.

  
The response I got was a violent one his hand going to mine and squeezing as his head came up his other hand going around my throat and squeezing hard and violently, “You little shit,” He hissed the pressure so strong I felt my ears pop and my vision starting flickering even though my eyes were open. He was yelling at me and pointing at the camera and I couldn’t hear him the pressure in my head too high as I desperately scratched at his hand for what felt like forever.

  
I don’t remember passing out but, I must have. The next thing I knew, I was alone in the bedroom and could hear the shower water running. I could still feel his hand on my neck pressing up under my chin against my lower jaw. I sighed sitting up looking for the camera, not finding it. I rubbed my neck trying to get it to stop hurting amazed didn’t have a sore throat. A moment later the shower water turned off and he came out towel drying himself off.

“You’re conscious. Good,” he said looking at me as I watched him from the bed, “I have a bit of a temper. Now, hopefully you understand why I’ve made it very clear you can’t resist or push me away. Or call me names.”

  
I nodded my head in response. While my Da had gotten really close to choking me out he had never actually done it. I have to say it is not a fun experience. I had never been choked out before and I wasn’t sure what to think, my head still feeling a little fuzzy.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I managed to say even though it felt weird in my throat.

  
“Good. I’m sorry I hurt you. I just don’t like being embarrassed,” he said coming and sitting next to me.

  
I didn’t pull away but I tensed up. I could feel the heat coming off of his body he was sitting so close. I didn’t want him that close to my skin. I was still naked and exposed, my hand still on my neck. I didn’t want him to do that again but I didn’t want him sitting next to me either.

  
“Let me see baby,” he said moving my hand gently and taking a look at it, “Maybe a little bit of bruising. I don’t think I did it as hard as I was afraid I did.”

  
He kissed my neck where he had choked me. Lightly at first and then harder grabbing me, forcing me to lay back down. He started kissing down my side starting at my neck and then down my arm lifting it up and kissing down the side of my torso until he got to my hip. He dragged his tongue around my hip bone in a circle before he turned me on my side so I was facing him and he gave me head. I dug my hands into the pillow in front of my face squeezing it and biting it so that I wouldn’t make noise. He made me ejaculate again into his mouth and he swallowed because, of course he swallowed.

  
When he was done he pulled me to his chest and ran his hand through my hair. I cried. I didn’t like this, being with him. I didn’t want him anywhere near me but I knew I shouldn’t say no. I know that pushing him away was dangerous. So, I just stayed where I was. Him holding me, whispering praises to me.

  
“You want to shower now?” He asked me after a while, “You are delicious. Just so you know.”

  
At that I hid my face in my hands because I started crying again. I hated this, I hated him. I hated him more than I hated my Da for giving me to him. For making me this…disgusting perverted toy for him to use. I wanted my body back. I wanted my control back and at the Villa I knew I would have none. Not even a little bit and I would be locked in a room naked with at least one person who was imagining the things he wanted to do to me if he was allowed to. Locked in a room where I couldn’t touch or comfort or be touched or comforted by the one person that actually mattered.

  
“You’re all right beautiful,” he said grabbing my hands making sure I couldn’t hide my tears, “God you’re so sexy when you cry…” he said kissing my tears grabbing the back of my neck so I couldn’t pull away. I knew he was going to rape me again. I just knew it so, I laid down.

  
He did. He climbed on top of me even though I was crying and I wouldn’t look at him and he used me. Cumming inside of me and then rolling me onto my side spooning me. Leaning over me to turn off the table on the night stand and throwing the room into darkness.

  
“We should get to bed. We have to get up and leave early to get to the Villa on time. In about an hour let me know if you’ve had trouble falling asleep so I can give you something. Because you won’t be sleeping that much on Saturday night ok baby?” He said kissing my shoulder blade and laying his forehead there against me.

  
I somehow managed to fall asleep but I had a horrible nightmare. Instead of a camera hanging from the canopy it was a bunch of greasy old man standing around the bed telling Leo what to do to me. some of them were laughing, others licking their lips and the rest jacking off. I felt someone tickling my feet and looked up still struggling to speak like I had the night before. Struggling to tell him no and as I looked up I saw Chad naked tickling my feet as Leo motioned at him to come up to the head of the bed as he rolled his hips bucking up inside of me as I finally managed to scream.

  
“WOAH! BABY!” I heard my eyes snapping open, “There you are. It’s ok baby, you’re ok. It was just a bad dream.”

  
I was shaking, breathing heavy. My whole body buzzing. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want his hand on my hip. His body pressed against mine.

  
“Can I go shower?” I barely whimpered.

  
“Well…” he sighed, “You did wake me up and I am feeling frisky…maybe let me play a little bit? Your kind of a little swollen in some places so maybe I just focus on kissing everywhere?” he said grinding against me.

  
“Please don’t,” I begged.

  
I didn’t want him giving me oral. I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I didn’t want anyone touching me anymore until I had to let them. I honestly wanted to peel my skin off because was tired of having to feel it tingle and vibrate with his touches, his pokes and prods.

  
“Ok baby, but only because you asked so nicely,” he said, “You can go shower.”

  
“Thank you,” I said quietly standing up and going into the bathroom shutting the door behind me.

  
I turned on the shower and sat in the bottom of the tub letting the water pour over me as hot as I could stand it. I found a mirror hanging on the wall and pushed it down breaking it in the bottom of the tub and I grabbed the most jagged piece there was stabbing myself in the leg and dragging it across my skin over and over and over until the water stung when it hit my body. None of them were deep even though I had wished they were.

  
I didn’t get out of the shower until I was sure I was done bleeding and climbed back into bed just wanting to sleep, not wanting him to be near me. It felt like for once he didn’t. I managed to sleep. Managed to actually feel like I was breathing the whole time too instead of having his skin pressed against my skin. Instead of him making me feel dirty like the whore I was.

  
I was woken up early, so early the sun was barely awake and Leo gave me some clothes which I put on slowly, “What’s that?” He asked pointing to my leg.

  
“Nothing,” I mumbled trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

  
“No. That’s something. What did you do?” He asked me again.

  
“Nothing. It’s nothing Leo,” I insisted.

  
“You cut yourself, didn’t you?” He asked me, “You’re Dad is going to be pissed.”

  
“At least it was my choice,” I answered, “What? Does it make me less marketable?”

  
“No, just people don’t like seeing boys marked up even if they did it to themselves. It’s easy enough to explain and none of them looked deep so I’m sure it won’t be an issue,” Leo told me, “You ready to go?”

  
I swallowed. No, I wasn’t ready to go. I wasn’t ready to go back to that little piece of hell on earth. I never wanted to go there again.

  
“Why are you so nervous? Isn’t this like your third party?” He asked me.

  
“Second,” I replied, “And I …someone helped make it so I didn’t remember my first.”

  
“Ah someone gave you some good drugs?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “That’s ok. You’ll be with Dobbs. I’m pretty sure Tom isn’t a bad guy other than his…well anyway. You’ll be fine. I’m sure.”

  
I just nodded my head again. I didn’t like the sound of Dobbs and his group activities even if there was a promise no group stuff would happen. The whole damn thing was group stuff as far as I knew.

  
“RICH! ARE YOU READY TO GO?” Leo called out as he led me out of his bedroom and into the living room.

  
“Yeah Dad. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” Rich said coming out of his bedroom fully dressed.

  
“Ok, I want you in the back with John. You know the rules once we get close enough I want the bags on your heads. I’ll tell you when all right?” Leo said looking at Rich.

  
“Yeah totally,” Rich answered nodding his head as he opened the door and we headed down the garage and got in the car.

  
We didn’t stop for any food just started on our way towards the Villa. The ride was quiet Rich laying his head back and going to sleep and suggesting I do the same because there wasn’t much sleep the be had once we got there. Somehow even though there was barely any space between us managed to fall back into an uneasy sleep at least for a while. Until we hit a rest stop and Leo woke us up to us the bathroom and then put the bags over our heads so we couldn’t see where we were going.


	26. 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ends up at a Villa party. He learns more about Dick's intentions towards him and has to deal with several people he wasn't prepared to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 478 to 513 **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, underage, sounding, light bondage, mentions of physical abuse, mental health issues.

When the road turned bumpy I knew we were almost there even though I couldn’t see anything through the bag I was told not to remove from my head. I tensed up not ready for this, not ready to be awake and coherent for this. I was scared. I was so scared my brain wasn’t really working as I fidgeted nervously waiting for the car to stop moving, waiting for us to pull up into the drive way of that massive stone monster of a house. The car lurched to a stop.

  
I took a deep breath expecting Leo to pull me out of the car by my arms but he didn’t instead he gently opened my door and grabbed my shoulder lightly allowing me to pull the bag off of my head, “Hi there beautiful,” he said looking at me closely, “You all right?”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head just as another car pulled up in the drive and noticed it was my Da’s car. At first, I was confused because why would he be there if Leo had taken me? Then I realized something, and I almost fell over with the weight of it.  
Will. He was bringing Will and maybe even Mike and Matt. That shouldn’t happen, that couldn’t be happening. He stepped out of the car and sure enough opened up one of the backdoors grabbing someone who was smaller than I was but just barely taking the bag off his face even though his hands were bound.

  
“Da no!” I shouted at him grabbing his attention as he smiled over at me, Will’s eyes meeting mine along with Da’s.

  
“He’s fine it’s not his first ride,” Da said, “I’m happy to see you baby.” He came up to me causing me to try and back away and failing because Leo still had a hold of my arm sending a squeeze up it warning me to behave myself.

  
“Hey Connor,” Leo said, “How is your younger one?”

  
“Nervous. This is his first party besides his induction so he’s a little upset I think,” he said, “Aren’t you Will?”

  
Will nodded his head no looking at anyone, not even me. I was scared for him. I didn’t know what exactly was going to happen barely remembering what happened during my first party but Rich got out of the car and followed behind me to the door as Da pulled Will by the zip tie binding his hands together forward and they knocked. Mr. Lord answered the door smiling.

  
“Welcome,” he said smiling at all of us his eyes lingering on Will, “I see you brought one of the special ones with you.”

  
“Yeah, it was time for him to come back,” Da said pulling Will forward into Lord’s arms making Will freeze up as Lord caught him staring at him closely.

  
“He’s tall for his age,” Mr. Lord commented, “Always so tall”

  
“Yes,” Da answered.

  
“That’s ok, though isn’t it? Nothing wrong with being a little tall,” he said glancing at me before his eyes went back to Will. He was creepy.

  
His eyes always seemed cold that look never really crossing his face when he glanced at me at least not in the same aspect. Yeah, he wanted to hurt me but he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I could see it in his face. However, I also knew that he liked little boys, little little boys like James. Who he seemed to favor in ways that made my blood boil and made me want to dig his eyes out with a rusty spoon. He knew I hated him too which could be another reason he never looked at me that way.

  
“Well are we going inside?” Leo asked from where he was standing behind the three of us.

  
“Of course, sorry,” Mr. Lord said moving aside allowing us in the house and stopping us in the foyer, “You know the rules gentlemen clothes off from this point.

  
“Right of course,” Da said starting to undo his shirt.

  
“Of course, I know the rules. Why do you think this one is only wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants?” Leo smiled grabbing my hips and grinding against me making me pull forward, trying to pull away.

  
“That one can be skittish,” Da said eyeing me as he kicked his shoes off, “He’s sweet though.”

  
“Oh yeah,” Leo said behind me, “Very very sweet in a lot of different ways.”

  
“Yes, god he’s blushing he’s adorable,” Mr. Lord said, “I have to say that in that aspect these two are nothing alike. Will isn’t nearly as twitchy.”

  
“Very true, however you give John the right motivation he can be more than accommodating,” My Da answered.

  
“Da,” I whispered keeping my eyes down. I didn’t want them talking about me like that. Like I wasn’t there, like I was some type of pet for them to use. If we waited there silent long enough they would be discussing in front of Will and Dick how sweet I tasted.

  
“Hey dad he’s not getting undressed can I …?” Rich said raising an eyebrow at his Dad.

  
“Ask Mr. Lord,” Leo answered looking at Rich who was already undressed.

  
“Sir?” Rich said walking up to Mr. Lord and tapping him on the shoulder whispering something in his ear.

  
Mr. Lord cocked an eyebrow at him, “Really? He’s your type?” He said and I felt like someone had just slammed me the chest with their fist as he looked at me.

  
I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head knowing I wasn’t allowed to say no. I knew I wasn’t allowed to say no. So, Rich meant what he said last night about how he found me interesting.

  
“Ok go for it,” Mr. Lord said causing me to huff and stamp my foot in protest.

  
“John behave, and be nice to your friend,” My Da said to me as Rich licked his lips looking at me.

  
“It’s ok,” he cooed coming towards me causing me to back up as Leo grabbed me by the elbows when I bounced off of him lightly.

  
They all smiled at me watching me besides Will who refused to look at anything but his feet. Dick was bigger than I was, older. He was probably closer to 6’1 and 17 and while he wasn’t fat he was muscular, more adult then I was considering my age, height and weight. Being 13 years old and maybe 98 pounds I was no match for him. I may as well had been fighting against my Da or Leo if he wanted to hurt me that’s how much ability I had to fight against him.

  
“Hey, hey John, it’s ok,” Dick said again placing a hand on my chin as I struggled against Leo’s hands pinning my arms to my sides and Dick undid the draw string on my sweat pants. Loosening them and letting them drop leaving me naked from the waist down.

  
He looked down at me his eyes lighting up, “Look at that,” he said touching me as I kept struggling against Leo, “I can see why they like you. Your prefect.” He muttered.

  
I didn’t want this. I wanted him to stop. This wasn’t cool.

  
“What happened to your Dad’s sloppy seconds?” I asked looking at him only for a second before I turned away not wanting to look at his face while he touched me like that.

  
“Aww shit, why did you have to remind me of that?” Dick said stopping and backing away.

  
“You can share,” Leo said looking at Rich.

  
“Nah, never mind,” Rich said.

  
“Fathers and sons share boys all the time,” Lord said looking at Dick, “It’s ok to do that you know? Love the same boy, look at him. He’s beautiful. Those green eyes that glow like emeralds. You can’t deny how pretty they are. I know from experience they look great when the pupils are dilated with fear.”

  
“No thank you sir,” Rich said, “I’m good.”

  
“Ok suit yourself, maybe you’ll change your mind later. If you do help yourself,” he said as Leo pulled my shirt over my head leaving me standing there naked next to my little brother, “This way guys if you will,” Mr. Lord said walking down the hallway leading us into the narrower darker hallway where the room was they locked us in. Will stepped through the door first followed by me and then Dick.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked Will looking at him.

  
“Yeah, I’m all right,” he answered, “You?”

  
“Scared,” I said looking back at Dick and grabbing Will gently by the elbow pulling him a way to a corner where Dom was already sitting on a cot. A blanket already wrapped around him as he sat criss cross apple sauce on it.

  
“Hey,” I said quietly looking at Dom who sighed and looked up smiling sadly.

  
“Hi there,” he replied, “You look stunning.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“The bruise on your neck,” Dom said making me aware of it causing me to touch it lightly.

  
“Oh,” I answered, “I huh, I pushed him away.”

  
“Leo?” Will asked grabbing a folded blanket from the corner and wrapping it around himself and then grabbing one for me so I could do that same.

  
“Yeah,” I answered,

  
“He choked you?” He frowned at me.

  
I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say. I thought it was obvious he choked me. I didn’t feel like sharing our rules especially not with my little brother right there. I just nodded my head and sighed wrapping the blanket around myself and sitting down next to Dom.

  
“How long have you been here?” I asked Dom changing the subject.

  
“Since yesterday after school,” Dom answered, “The real party hasn’t started yet though so it’s not like there’s been a lot going on. Mostly it’s been me by myself in this room a couple ones have been in and out, Burgess or huh Adam is here,” Dom said.  
“Really? Where is… oh,” I said.

  
“Yeah, that question you asked me that I wouldn’t answer. it’s Lou, that’s huh…” Dom trailed off.

  
“Ok, I was just wondering because the way you talk about him it reminds me of Da. I’d rather not have me or Will anywhere near him if I can help it,” I answered.

  
Dom snorted tears in his eyes as he laughed, “Yeah no fucking kidding.”

  
“Who?” Will asked sitting down next to me.

  
“No one, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

  
Dom cleared his throat and shot me a look, “You can’t protect him here no matter how badly you want to. He has the right to know.”

  
“Fine, you tell him then,” I said, “Is he already here?”

  
“Yeah. They are entertaining themselves with Adam and some other people, Will won’t really have to worry about Pop but Dad he’ll have to be weary of,” Dom told me, “Will you know I have two fathers, right?”

  
“I’ve heard people talk about it but I wasn’t sure,” Will answered.

  
“Well, I have my Pop and he’s a lot like your Dad he’s gentle he huh… god I hate talking about this bullshit. He’ll be probably more into John and John knows what to expect I’m guessing but my Dad his name is Tanner. He can be gentle too but he can also be really mean and he likes your age group. He has a thing for blonds too so just be careful, all right? If he has a chance with you don’t look at him. Just do whatever he says. He doesn’t bite or anything but he doesn’t like to use lube so just if you don’t look at him he’ll be nicer because he’ll take you for shy ok?” Dom told him.

  
“Ok, I got it thanks. Anyone else I need to be aware of?” Will asked.

  
It amazed me how adult he was being almost like he was a different person. Like he was ready to deal with it. Like he was almost ok with being raped.

  
“Huh, I don’t know some of the guys around here that you would get their attention are more into personality. Watch out for Balton he’s into your age he’s rough, John still falls within his range too he likes sounding. Dobbs you’re a little too young for but you’re tall enough he might not care and he’s more like my Pop too. However, he gets off on the struggle so if you are …if you relent with enough people before he gets to you he won’t be interested ok?” Dom told both of us.

  
“When you say he gets off on the struggle you mean he likes to fight with you?” I asked.

  
“Huh, yeah he likes to slap you but just enough that it’ll bruise. I’ve never heard of him breaking bones or anything like that or choking,” Dom answered.

  
“Do you know who is going to be here?” I asked.

  
“Anderson is already here. He brought both Chad and Tyler. Tyler is Will’s age. I don’t know where either of them are but …” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Did they leave you alone with him?” I asked.

  
“John if they did what would you do about it? I mean really?” Dom said.

  
“Beat his ass,” I answered.

  
“What are you guys talking about?” Will asked.

  
“You don’t need to worry about it,” I told Will, “Did they?”

  
“John, it doesn’t matter right now,” Dom warned me.

  
“Yeah it does. It matters to me. He’s been doing that stuff to you since you were a kid Dom and he doesn’t have any right to,” I said shaking my head.

  
“You want to put yourself in the back room along with me? With Anderson and Hank? Really? Is that what you really want? Because that’s what going after Chad will fucking get us so don’t. Don’t do anything. Don’t even talk to him because I can’t do the back room again. I get too many absences this year and I’m going to flunk out, Watson has already warned my Dad’s all right? I’d rather avoid being in the back room if you please,” Dom warned me.

  
“Ok fine, I won’t even look at the son of a bitch ok?” I hissed.

  
“HEY!” Dom said, “Watch the language all right? It’ll draw attention you don’t want.”

  
“Ok, sorry,” I said.

  
“Chad? You mean that older kid who is always looking at John weird?” Will asked.

  
Dom shot Will a look as if to say, “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  
“Dom, I already know ok? Dick told me,” I said.

  
“What? About Chad’s crush on you? Yeah, I told him,” Dick said walking up.

  
“Why is he here?” Dom asked me.

  
“Leo brought him,” I said.

  
“You want to play?” Dick said looking at Dom, “I don’t usually come to these anymore but, I decided I’m game so… why don’t you come with me?”

  
Dom went pale and his eyes went wide. I knew what Dick was implying, Dick didn’t need permission to touch Dom because Dom was a two where I was a five the same level Dick probably was. I knew Dom wasn’t into that.

  
“Dick,” I said looking at him.

  
“Hey, it’d be you if you hadn’t so kindly reminded me my Dad fucked you at least twice last night. I want a different toy even though I’m trying to figure out why Dom isn’t my dad’s type when you two seem to have so much in common. Maybe it’s the eyes?” Dick said.

  
Dom sighed and stood up, “Can we go in the bathroom?” He asked.

  
“Why? Don’t want your boyfriend to watch? He might like it,” Dick said smiling as I clenched my fist in anger.

  
“No. I don’t want the 11-year-old watching ok? Is that so wrong?” Dom asked Dick.

  
“I guess not,” Dick said, “Come on…” he gestured for Dom to follow him and Dom sighed standing up leaving his blanket on his cot.

  
He was too thin, his ribs countable. He was a lot thinner than he had been last time I saw him naked but he didn’t seem to have any new scars. Not on his chest or stomach his brand scar a white II big and bold on his right hip his hip bone sticking out sharply, his stomach almost concave. It felt weird seeing him naked. Noticing his body like that and realizing I had been just as naked when I had walked into the room.

  
Dom didn’t look back as he went into the bathroom and Dick closed the door behind them. It was hard to stomach the idea that Dick was in there raping my friend. Forcing him to do things with him probably making Dom get on his knees so he could suck Dick off doing dirty things to him, making him hate himself.

  
“Are they having sex?” Will asked me looking at, me snapping me out of my shock.

  
“Huh, yeah,” I answered my tongue going to my back molar.

  
“But Dom doesn’t want to do that,” Will said.

  
“No, he doesn’t,” I answered.

  
“Was Rich going to have sex with you?” He asked me, meaning in the foyer when we had walked into the Villa.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“That’s bullshit,” Will told me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Are guys going to do that to me too? Guys my age like Rich is your age?” Will asked me.

  
“I don’t know Will, but Rich is older than we are. Rich is 17.” I answered.

  
“Oh,” Will said, “Does it hurt just as much?”

  
“I don’t know I haven’t…he hasn’t done anything to me yet,” I answered, “Even though I think he will. That it’s just a matter of time.”

  
“Why because he’s Leo’s son?” Will asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“I’m sorry,” Will told me.

  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I said to him, “Is Uncle Ben here yet? I didn’t see him with you guys when you came.”

  
“He’s not coming,” Will answered.

  
“Why not?” I asked.

  
“Someone has to stay with everyone,” Will told me, “Da basically offered…I can’t even think about it John.”

  
“Mike and Matt?” I asked shaking my head, “He’s doing very bad things to them, isn’t he?”

  
“I’ve tried to get Da to tell him it’s not ok but…he won’t, He said I had to choose. Choose whether I wanted James to come here and entertain Mr. Lord privately or if I wanted Matt and Mike to be safe at home. He made me choose John,” Will said and I could see the tears forming in his eyes as he shook his head wiping at his eyes furiously with his blanket.

  
“He shouldn’t have done that to you,” I said looking at Will.

  
I felt sick. My Da was turning Will against himself, against Matt and Mike, making what Uncle Ben did to them tonight his fault. Making him feel responsible for their abuse just like Da had done to me before. Made me choose whether it was going to be me or someone else only worse.

  
“You did the right thing,” I told Will.

  
“Then how come it feels so lousy?” He asked me, “How come I feel like I did something wrong?”

  
“Because it’s a shit choice,” I answered, “But look at it this way. At least at home with Uncle Ben you know it’s just going to be Uncle Ben. No one else is going to be there and they are used to him by now. They know what he wants, what they can and cannot do where James he’s just little tiny and we can’t be sure it would just Mr. Lord by himself if Da brought James here because there are plenty of guys who would…”

  
Will nodded his head, “You’re right. That’s why I told Da I was ok with this. With coming here and doing this and that I was ok with …”

  
“Ok with what?” I asked him.

  
Will shook his head, “You’re going to be so mad.” he said gulping as he looked at me the shame on his face evident.

  
“I won’t be mad with you. Not ever ok?” I said trying to comfort him, “Tell me, I know you need to talk about it so tell me.”

  
“You won’t be upset you promise?” he asked me wiping at his eyes again.

  
“No,” I swore. “I won’t be upset with you and I’ll stay calm no freaking out ok? I swear I’ll try my best.”

  
“He made me make a movie,” Will told me.

  
Just hearing it I had to close my eyes to control my anger. It wasn’t at him it was at Da. When Da had made me make my first movie he had let a group of men rape me in front of Tony, in front of a camera. That experience still haunted me. Them shackling me down making me sit on the one guys lap while one of the others blew me. I didn’t want to imagine my little brother that way. Imagine having people do those things to him.

  
“Did he do it at home?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” Will answered me, “It was him and this other guy and they wore these masks and it…it hurt a lot. They did really bad things. They tied me up and…I couldn’t move. It scared me and I had to try so hard to not cry John. He put a blind fold on me so I couldn’t see what they were doing but, the one guy used his teeth on…”

  
He faltered in telling me his whole body shaking with fear just remembering. His whole being beyond upset, his brain stuck in that moment. I wanted to comfort him. To try and pull him out and away from it. I wanted to jump into his head go back in time to that moment and take a baseball bat to whoever that guy was that Da had invited over. I don’t think Will had ever done group stuff before, besides his initiaton and that time on the dining room floor with Da and Uncle Ben and me but even that was different from your Da letting some stranger that you didn’t know do those things to you.

  
“Hey, I’m right here. It’s not happening right now you’re all right,” I said quietly offering him my hand before he threw his arms around my neck hugging me tightly and I hugged him back holding him pressing my lips to his temple, “It’s ok Will. I’m right here no one is hurting you right now. You’re safe, ok? You’re safe.”

  
“I don’t feel very safe,” he whimpered into my neck as I held him rocking him gently.

  
“I know,” I said, “But I’m here and for this moment we’re safe ok? Just for right now we’re safe.”

  
I heard the door open behind me but I didn’t bother to look up. I didn’t care, my brother needed me. He needed me to hold onto him and to lie and tell him it was going to be ok even though we both knew it wasn’t because sometimes just hearing it makes you feel better. Makes you believe that one day it might actually be ok.

  
“Hey,” I heard him say quietly behind me making me sigh with relief for just a minute before I remembered where we were.

  
“Pat,” I said as he sat down a blanket already wrapped around him.

  
“Yeah, I know,” he said, “I see custody might not work out the way it should.”

  
I smiled at him lightly running a hand through my baby brother’s hair trying to comfort him his face still buried in my shoulder. He needed me. He needed me to love him like a normal person loves their brother. Like a normal father would love his son even though I wasn’t his Da. He needed me to offer him what a parent would offer a child because I was one of the only parents he had ever really known or trusted.

  
“Yeah, it’s a bad day. We’re ok though,” I said not letting go of my brother.

  
“Hi Will,” Pat said softly, “It’s going to be ok all right?” Pat repeated my lie.

  
Will looked up from where he had his face buried trying to get comfort from me and saw Pat looking at him, trying to offer him some support without touching him. Without touching us and he nodded his head.

  
“Sorry,” he said quietly, “I just…”

  
“You’re fine kiddo. Not a single thing you need to be sorry about, ok?” Pat said nodding his head giving Will a serious but sad smile.

  
“Ok,” Will said pulling away from me but still sitting close to me, pulling his blanket even tighter around himself, “How are you doing Pat?”

  
“I’m doing all right,” Pat answered, “A little nervous but I usually am when I come here. I tend to not be able to watch my tempter so I end up in the back room but otherwise I’m all right. You?”

  
“I’ll be ok,” Will answered.

  
“All right and you John?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah, I think so,” I answered just as Cole and Toshi walked over.

  
“Where’s Dom?” Cole asked, “I thought he was supposed to hang out with you and Tosh.”

  
“He is he’s in the bathroom taking care of something,” I answered.

  
Pat’s face fell. His eyes flashing with anger, “Who?”

  
“Pat, he said not to,” Will said looking at Pat, “He said to just leave it alone because he didn’t want the back room.”

  
“Who? You need to tell me who,” Pat said his face hard.

  
“Dick,” I answered.

  
“Oh no,” Pat said an angry smile on his face, “I’m going to kick his ass Monday. I will kick his ass so bad my toes will be coming out of his mouth.”

  
“He’s a lot bigger than we are Pat,” I answered.

  
“I don’t give a flying fuck,” Pat replied, “I’m going to kick his ass.”

  
Just then Dom walked out of the bathroom sighing. He looked tired worn out but his face was expressionless. Like he was emotionally dead or had shut down in order to deal with it. He sat down and grabbed his blanket wrapping it around himself.

  
“What time is it?” Dom asked laying directly on his side staring at Pat.

  
Pat sighed, “It was like 10ish when we got here so not too far past 10 I’m guessing. It’s going to be a very long day.”

  
“You can say that again,” Dom said, “I’m going to take a nap if it’s ok with you guys?”

  
He sighed looking at everyone like he was asking the group we had formed in the corner of the room to disperse so he could actually relax. I sighed I felt tired too. Too tired to stay awake anymore not having gotten a lot of sleep the night before.  
“Ok so is Will going to be coming with us or…?” Cole asked.

  
“I don’t know Ra—I mean John and Will need to decide that,” Pat said, “Know you can trust me to do my best to protect him though ok?”

  
“I’m not a baby you guys,” Will said looking at us, “I can go with Pat. It’ll be fine really.”

  
“You sure?” I asked Will.

  
I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to leave my side knowing the type of men that were here. Knowing that some of them would be after him because of his bright green eyes and pretty blond hair, because some of them had a type and he fix that type to a tee. Just like I was Hank’s type because of my physical traits.

  
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Will answered, “I’ll keep Pat’s mind off of what’s happening to you and remind him how much you love him.”

  
I felt myself blush, “Ok and Tosh will hang out with Dom and I?” I asked looking at Cole.

  
“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “Tosh hang out over here with Dom and John ok?”

  
“Yeah, I will,” Tosh said nodding his head, “I’ll see you later ok?”

  
“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” Cole said nodding his head, “God this is going to be so hard, but I won’t do it. I promised you I wouldn’t so I won’t ok?”

  
“Wouldn’t do what?” I asked.

  
“Use drugs, I’m full sober have been for about a month. Tosh told me he would quit if I did so we’ve both stopped using,” Cole answered looking at me, “You’ll stay with him, right?”

  
“Yeah Cole, of course,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Guys seriously,” Dom moaned from his cot.

  
“We’re done,” I said looking at Cole as he walked away towards where Will and Pat already were on the other side of the room.

  
Tosh sat down on the cot on the other side of me and then pulled his blanket closer around him, “Well Dom is napping so I will I.”

  
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” I said laying down on my own cot in-between them, “Have a good nap.”

  
“You too John,” Tosh replied.

  
“Guys please quit talking. My ass is sore and I’m tired,” Dom said causing me to laugh a little bit.

  
“Sorry Dom. Sleep well,” I answered.

  
“Yeah now be quiet,” he said chuckling softly.

  
I curled up and slept but I don’t know for how long. All I know is that after a while it was harder to sleep because it got louder as more boys started to filter into the room. When I finally opened my eyes, I found Dom sitting up quietly talking with Tosh who was at the foot of Dom’s cot and I looked around the room and spotted Pat and Will and Cole in a different corner of the room.

  
“There’s a lot of people here,” I said looking around.

  
“Da,” Dom answered nodding his head, “Adam is asleep on my other side,” he said turning his head and looking at the lump on that cot.

  
“Is he ok?” I asked.

  
“Yeah. I’m fine. Nice to see you again man,” Adam said sitting up and stretching his lightly tanned arms raised over his head.

  
“Nice to see you too. How are you doing?” I asked him.

  
“I’m all right,” Adam answered, “I don’t know it’s huh, different like you told me about you know?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered as a group of men came into the room loudly.

  
“Ok, now line up please and follow us,” They said as everyone stood up. This young boy with light red hair trying to take his blanket with him.

  
“Nope you won’t need that,” One of the guys said plucking the blanket away from him making the boy’s face glow red as he used his hands to cover himself causing the guy to laugh. The boy had to be no older then Will my little brother maybe a year or two younger, closer in age in Matt and Mikey as he shivered in fear so afraid he couldn’t look at the guy who had snatched his blanket away. He was by far the youngest in the room.

  
I felt bad seeing him there. Watching him surrounded by us, these older taller kids who were just as frightened as he was. The fact we were all scared too probably didn’t help to comfort him. I noticed Pat walk up to the boy and say something quietly to him pointing in my direction as the boy walked over to me.

  
“I’m Alex,” he said.

  
“Hi Alex, I’m John,” I said introducing myself calmly, “What did he say?”

  
“He said you’d help me,” he told me, “Will you help me?”

  
“Yeah, we can help you ok?” I said waving him towards me, “This is my friend Dom, and this is our friend Tosh.”

  
“Hi,” he said quietly.

  
“Hi,” Dom said glancing at me sadly.

  
We knew where this kid was going. Who he was probably going to end up with. I know it hit Dom the same way it hit me, like the whole room was closing in and I couldn’t breathe but I had to keep calm. Had to make it appear like I was ok for this kid just like I would have done for any of my brothers. I had to let myself die a little bit on the inside while smiling and trying to remain calm.

  
“How old are you Alex?” Dom asked looking at him.

  
“Ten,” he answered, “He said there was a bad man here. A really bad one that you knew. That I had to listen to you.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Can you build a castle in your head?”

  
“What do you mean?” He asked.

  
“Like close your eyes and build a place where they can’t ever touch you. Just keep your eyes closed and go there, give it all the guns and food, and protection you need so they can never get in there with you. I need you to try and do that ok?” I said to him.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head.

  
“Come on hurry up everyone is coming,” The guy said again looking around the room at the ones of us who hadn’t lined up yet.

  
I touched his shoulder gently leading him forward as Tosh and Dom followed behind us. I had never done this before and usually they pulled people from the room in smaller groups but whatever this was they were making everyone come into the main meeting area. And then it dawned on me. A couple of the kids here around my age and this younger boy didn’t have brands. This was a branding ceremony. I felt sick to my stomach remembering how my skin had felt numb on the inside of my brand but the outside had burned so badly I was shaking because the pain had been so intense and I could imagine this little boy going through that.

  
“I’m scared,” he said whispering in my ear trying to reach my height by standing on his tip toes.

  
“Me too. You can squeeze my hand if you need to ok?” I said and he nodded his head taking my hand and squeezing as hard as he could which, didn’t really hurt at all.

  
We started walking silently. All of us naked moving towards where they wanted us to be, into that big stone room that felt too big to be an indoor space. The one with the fire in the heath burning behind where the Leader stood to give his speeches. He cleared his throat as we filed into the room.

  
“Members,” he said smiling, his long black robe looking intimidating even though that was probably the only thing he was wearing, “We are gathered today to add to our ranks and after to celebrate. Celebrate a clear and honest victory within our society. One of our own has been promoted within the civilian world, within the world that ridicules and prosecutes those like us. However, he has achieved a high rank within his chosen career. One that will help us, along with Judge Townley and Judge Witticure. I now give you Detective Hank Kingly,” he said gesturing to Hank who came forward.

  
“Thank you, brothers,” Hank said smiling, “Thank you Lord. I hope to do you proud. Any files that the department had that mentioned anyone in this room, that file has now gone missing. Think of it as me paying tribute to you my brothers, my family.”  
Everyone clapped and Mr. Lore came back to the center of the room, “Now step forward brothers Thomson, Murdoc and Statin,” he said as three men stepped forward, “Roll your die and that is how many men it will take to make your initiation only the fives and fours among you will be able to participate. After that we will do the auction and then we shall begin.”

  
The three men stepped forward. The first one rolled a six, the second a 3 and the third rolled a 2. There were several men at least 11 or 12 that stepped forward to draw their red stones. I didn’t see who drew which and I didn’t care at that point until they ripped Alex’s hand out of mine.

  
“Remember to build your castle,” I told him as Dom grabbed my shoulder reminding me I couldn’t do anything to help this kid. That there wasn’t anything I was allowed to do at all.

  
“Bottom fives come forward,” Mr. Lord said and everyone who was a five stepped forward as I took a deep breath and did the same, “Come up here my boys,” he said waving us up towards to front so we could stand next to him.

  
I stepped forward into the clear area so I was in front of everyone with the other six or seven boys that I didn’t really know most of them Asian which I found very weird to be honest, making me feel even more singled out then if I had been the only one with red hair, which I was. I stood there not sure what exactly was going on. I kept my hands in front of me using them to shield myself as I watched their eyes looking at all of us.

  
“This,” he said grabbing a boy slightly older than I was by the look of him somewhere in the line to my right, “Is Ryuu, he is recruit tracked so he’s very cooperative. He’s quiet, submissive and doesn’t mind pain. However, he will do whatever you want. Any takers for Sponsor?”

  
He waited several minutes as people started raising their hands, “We’re starting at 5 anyone willing to go for a 5? Ok how about 6...” People kept raising their hands until it got down to two different men one of them finally giving up at the number 15, “Mr. McKay will be your sponsor Ryuu have fun…”

  
This happened to every boy on the stage until it got to me. I felt my stomach drop. I didn’t want whatever this was to happen. I knew what a Sponsor was but I had been told Dobbs would be my sponsor so I didn’t know why I was standing on stage with everyone else listening to the numbers get called out repeatedly as the number of hands became fewer and fewer and the number went higher finally stopping at 25. I sighed closing my eyes hoping against hope it was Dobbs, that it was the person it was supposed to be because he supposedly wouldn’t make me do group stuff which I couldn’t stand the thought of.

  
“Johnathan your Sponsor is Dobbs,” Mr. Lord said as this guy who was tall and muscular almost like my Da came towards me and grabbed me by the arm gently taking me from the room and towards the main foyer and then started taking me up the stairs.

  
“Where are we going?” I asked.

  
“Room 6,” he answered as he made me keep walking up the stairs.

  
“What are we doing?” I asked.

  
“This isn’t your first party you should know what we’re doing,” he answered for me, “You have a Sponsor you get a room. Anyone who wants you signs up outside and needs my approval to play.”

  
“To play?” I asked scared what that meant but knowing it was probably what I thought it was.

  
“You know,” he said turning around and looking at me his eyes traveling up and down my frame quickly before he turned back around facing the direction we were going in, “Play. I’ll give you some numbing cream and stuff. You’ll be fine.”

  
“Numbing cream?” I asked stopping in front of the door causing him to yank on my arm a little harder than he probably intended because he mumbled a sorry to me.

  
“Yes, unless you don’t want something to numb your ass. However, I plan to have you entertaining a lot of my close friends so you might want it,” he said grabbing my arm and pulling this time little then he had before.

  
I sighed and allowed him to pull me forward into the room knowing that fighting back would get me in trouble. That being resistant would get my name in the bowl as I sighed trying to ignore the fact this guy was going to rape me and let other people rape me too. That my Da and Leo were letting this happen to me.

  
When he got me into the bedroom I noticed it was a bed similar to my new one at home, a metal bedframe only there were shackles attached to each side of it as well as to the foot board. He looked at me grabbing my chin making me look into his eyes.  
“Time for rules beautiful,” he told me as I turned away my gaze. I didn’t want to look at him anymore, “If you’re good I won’t restrain you. However, if you struggle physically I will. I don’t want to hear no, don’t, stop, please, I can’t, I won’t… No objections at all because while Leo might like hearing it I don’t. If you say it once I’ll warn you, you say it a second time I’ll get a little rough and you say it a third time then I will gag you and your name goes in the bowl. You understand me?” He asked.

  
I nodded my head. The bowl meant punishment, the bowl meant potential death. I had too many people that I had to live for, too many things I had to do. So, keeping my mouth shut was something I had to try my best to do.

  
“Good as long as you understand,” he said pushing me towards the bed, “Lay down.”

  
I looked at him. I didn’t want to lay down for him. I didn’t want to do this. I knew I didn’t have a choice though, “What’s your name?” I asked wondering if he would give me permission to call him anything.

  
“Just call me Dobbs or Daddy. It’s up to you,” he answered pushing me a bit rougher this time, “I said lay down.”

  
I did. I laid down. He climbed on top of me his hands automatically going to my hips his thumbs running along the outer ridge of my hip bones as he pressed his pelvis too mine both of us already naked. I wanted to push him away. I really did but I resisted the urge as he started kissing my neck. His kisses slowly making their way to my cheek and then my lips, his tongue finding its way into my mouth as his hands slowly traced its way down my ribs.

  
“God Leo was right you do feel good. You are prefect,” he said, “Do I have to stretch you out?”

  
“Wha?” The question caught me off guard. I knew what he was referring to but the feeling of him against my skin had me blanking out trying to find a way to be somewhere else in my head. Anywhere else. I didn't want this and was desperate to get any escape I could.

  
“When was the last time you had sex?” He asked me flat out.

  
“I don’t know like 1am,” I guessed.

  
“So maybe,” he said pumping something into his hand from a giant bottle with a pump that I was pretty sure was lube and he coated a finger with it, “Ok knees up legs spread.”

  
I did as I was told trying to relax my body so it would hurt less as his finger circled around my entrance making it slick before he stuck a finger in slowly making me gasps.

  
“It’s ok baby,” he told me as I bit my lip to keep myself quiet because I didn’t want to anger him, didn’t want him to have any reason to put my name in the bowl. He prodded, rubbing. The feeling of his fingers moving in and out slowly making my eyes go wide, “That’s it. I’d say your kind of in-between. Not really retightened but not wide enough to take me on without preparation.” He mumbled adding another finger making me whimper.

  
“That’s allowed,” he said as my eyes went wide with fear, “No words though. Ok?” He said and I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to block him out again, trying to forget where I was and what was happening to me.

  
“You are a good one,” he said again adding yet another finger. All of them wiggling and moving inside of me as he started thrusting them in and out of me. His other hand grabbing my dick and starting to rub up and down my shaft. Doing his best to get my body to respond to him. Just then there was a soft knock on the door.

  
“Come in,” he called turning his head away from me looking at the person who was coming in, “Hey man you going to help?” He asked.

  
“Yeah, I brought some toys if that’s ok,” Lou said holding up a black zip up pouch like Leo had that probably had similar metal rods in here.

  
I wanted to say no. I wanted to scream, to say no and I knew I couldn’t. I swallowed, “I…I thought there wasn’t going to be group stuff. Leo told me he wasn’t going to do group stuff.”

  
“Well, I’m your Sponsor not Leo and I really like playing group games so we’re going to,” Dobbs answered, “Where is Tanner?” He asked.

  
“Tanner is busy. However, one of the trackers asked me if he could play,” Lou answered, “You might know him Andersons’ contract. He’s not a bad kid.

  
I knew Anderson’s contract. It wasn’t something that was easy to keep secret once you entered into one. I knew him well and I knew he had a thing for me just like he had a thing for Dom only he wouldn’t be allowed to just use me anywhere like he could with Dom. Chad, Chad was Andersons’ contract. I wanted to say no but again I knew I couldn’t.

  
“Ok, go get him,” he said his eyes still on me as his hands started up again making my body feel that ice cold static. Making it hard for my brain to think, to process anything at all as Lou left the room, “God you’re beautiful.” He said as my chest started to heave. my body responding the way it was made to. My dick hardening, me panting as I got closer and closer to orgasm. His fingers petting my prostate and his left hand rubbing up and down my shaft making my whole-body vibrate. Making it so my brain wouldn’t function.

  
I heard the door open but couldn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see them didn’t want to have their images in my head. It was bad enough that I had to hear them. Before I had a chance to respond I felt wetness engulf me sending me over the edge. My whole body tightened up as I started cumming into the mouth of whoever decided it was ok to blow me. My teeth clenched, trying to bite back my moan.

  
“He’s sweet,” I heard a voice I knew. A younger voice and I knew who it was. It was Chad. He was getting what he wanted, getting to use me like he wanted, “Can I?” he asked.

  
“Sure, go for it. I enjoy watching as much as I do playing,” Dobbs said as I felt someone’s weight shift over top of me, “Don’t forget to wrap it…” Dobbs said.

  
“Yeah thanks,” I heard Chad say.

  
I kept my eyes closed tightly before I felt him against me, his penis pushing against my hole looking for entrance. I was not ok with this, I was no ok with this at all. I shook my head and pushed at him as he grabbed my forearms and pushed them above my head.

  
“Look at me Johnny.” He hissed switching both my wrist to one hand and slapping me lightly across the face when I didn’t respond, “I said look at me.”

  
I opened my eyes looking at him. He was on top of me pushing into me slowly. Making me whimper as he finished sliding into me.

  
“Oh, fuck your tight. You must be good all over huh?” He said making me stare into his eyes.

  
I remember how cold they were. How even compared to Hank Chad’s eyes weren’t normal. I didn’t see anything there that said he cared about how I felt, only about using me to make himself feel good. He wanted me to hate him, to hate what he was doing and he wanted me to know it.

  
He wanted to hurt me, to make me suffer. He smiled making my insides feel that much colder. He froze as he waited for my body to adjust to his before he started pulling out so he could slam back into me.

  
“You have beautiful eyes,” Chad said, “Very beautiful eyes. No. No, don’t close them, I want you to look at me.”

  
I shook my head again and used my legs to try and squeeze his sides shutting them on his hips to try and make him stop. To try and get him off of me because I knew he was in this to hurt me.

  
Dobbs and Lou grabbed my knees pulling them open and grabbing me by the ankles shackling each ankle to the foot board so that I couldn’t close my legs as Chad laid in-between them and started thrusting making me scream.

  
“No,” Chad said slamming a hand over my mouth as one of the other two grabbed my wrist for him so I couldn’t lash out, “None of that ok? I’d like to leave with my ear drums intact. I’m sure you understand why. Don’t pretend it doesn’t feel good. I know it does even if finding the rhythm is a little rough at first.”

  
“That’s a good boy,” Dobbs said running his fingers though my hair after my one wrist was shackled, “That’s a good boy.”

  
I jerked the shackles holding me in place biting my mouth closed to keep myself from screaming. From saying no, from risking my life as Chad thrusted again throwing his head back in ecstasy as he pushed back in causing me to inhale sharply gasping as he pressed against that spot that made my body jerk and almost made me moan involuntarily.

  
“My turn,” Lou said kissing the back of Chad’s neck smiling at me as Chad turned his head to look over his shoulder as Lou mounted him sliding inside pushing a shit ton of weight on my torso.

  
I squeaked as the pain hit. My thighs burning as they pushed harder on me forcing my thighs farther apart. Both Chad and Lou laughed as they started fucking on top of me Lou pushing Chad in and out of me just slightly. The sensation feeling more like a rocking than actual fucking.

  
“That was a sweet little sound,” Dobbs said petting my face still., “Your prefect for real baby,” he muttered kissed my forehead.

  
“It hurts,” I whispered. Every other bump hitting against my prostate making it hard to catch my breath. Making it hard to think of anything but the pain. The static and friction starting to cause blood to pool in my groin.

  
“I know baby,” Dobbs said, “I’ll make it feel really good after we’re done. I promise.”

  
“Oh, god this is amazing,” Chad breathed leaning forward kissing my cheek, “Oh yeah fuck me harder.” He breathed at Lou. Lou sped up going faster and harder the weight pushing my body hard into the mattress I was chained to.

..  
Chad started moaning loudly adjusting his angle. His body hitting against that one spot with every single inward movement making me whimper loudly as my body got slammed over and over and over again. I bit into my bottom lip trying to keep myself from sobbing outright. My whole body finally seizing as Chad hit against that spot one last time any sound I made instantly lost in my throat somewhere as I came hard all over myself and Chad.

  
Chad came next followed by Lou as Chad’s body clenched around his. Casing them both to climax on top of me. Chad’s weight pushing forward into my legs making them burn even more but still not enough to allow me to find my voice. They both rolled off of me leaving me stuck where I was, leaving me still chained down to the bed as I heard Dobbs laugh and Lou chuckle lightly.

  
“You like that Chad?” Lou asked.

  
“Yeah. That was amazing, that was fucking mind blowing!” Chad answered enthusiastically.

  
“What about you beautiful?” Dobbs asked me as I closed my eyes trying my best to ignore the fact that they were there staring at me, that I was naked and unable to move. Unable to go anywhere.

  
“No, come on baby. I want to see those pretty eyes of yours,” he said touching my cheek causing me to swallow hard. I tried to ignore his touch against my skin, to not whine out in protest.

  
“Can I do some stuff?” Lou asked.

  
“You going to use your toys?” Dobbs asked him my lip trembling because I knew what that meant. That meant a rod up inside of me maybe even a vibrating one that would make my body feel like it was exploding with ten times the intensity of a regular orgasm. Something that would leave me unable to do anything but twitch and scream.

  
“Yeah, Chad you can go,” Lou said as Chad stood up and left quickly and Lou grabbed the black pouch. I shook my head. I didn’t want to do this. I would do anything to stop them from doing this. This scared the shit out of me. My breath started coming in fast sharp gasps as I started to hyperventilate.

  
“No breathe beautiful. Breathe,” Dobbs said rubbing my head still like he was trying to comfort me, “Breathe. It’ll feel really awesome trust me. Especially when I roll you on your side and rim you nice and deep while he has you sounding. You’ll love it.”

  
“Lou, you want to hear him beg? I can see it right under the surface and I know you like it even though I hate it,” Dobbs said looking at Lou smiling.

  
“Yeah,” Lou said, “It’ll be nice to hear. I don’t get my boy to beg nearly enough anymore.”

  
“You can speak,” Dobbs said still rubbing my hair, “You want to feel that vibrator up inside your dick baby? Making your eyes roll making your heart flutter as you cum?” He asked kissing my forehead.

  
“NO PLEASE! NO! PLEASE DON’T DO THAT! PLEASE! GOD, PLEASE! PLEASE,” I begged loudly not wanting them to do that. not wanting to feel that. Not wanting them to split my whole being in half with that type of intensity. My words eventually getting lost as I started outright sobbing as Lou started giving me a hand job to make me hard so he could shove the rod up inside of me.

  
“It’s ok beautiful,” Dobbs said again as he started kissing my ears and neck, “You’re being such a good boy.”

  
Once I was hard I felt the cold wet tip of the sound up against me right before he pushed it in that slow weird feeling climbing up my body from my tip into my shaft and up past my balls. He didn’t force it in after it got past the entrance just kind of let it happen. Then he turned it on making me scream. I hadn’t even realized it was a vibrating one but it had been. My whole body starting to shake uncontrollably. Me not being able to breathe at least that’s what it felt like. I was no longer able to cry as Dobbs moved away from my face and he laughed.

  
“That actually tickles my nose from inside him. It feels really weird you should try it Lou,” he said as I felt someone’s tongue lap at my balls sucking gently making me moan though I was biting into my bottom lip which was now bloody from me biting it so hard.

  
“You’re right it seems fun,” he said moving the sound out a little way and then pushing it back in fucking me with it. I closed my eyes to try and keep silent, “It’s all right beautiful. You’re being so good, you’re panting…”

  
I knew I was panting, I didn’t need him to tell me. My whole body was shaking. Nothing feeling under my control, nothing feeling right. I didn’t want this. I wanted them to stop, I wanted to beg them to stop but I knew they had already let me beg and that I wasn’t able to again.

  
That I had to be quiet. My eyes snapping open as my body hit that point again before they went big and then started rolling. I twitched before they pulled the sound out. It still on, still vibrating. The intensity too much making it feel like I was pissing and couldn’t stop, couldn’t control my bladder. I wasn’t peeing. I was ejaculating the whole feeling ripping through my body.

  
Before I knew it, it was over. My body still shaking, sweating uncontrollably. I kept my eyes closed trying to catch my breath what I felt somewhere beyond pain. Somewhere beyond a point I can explain. Then I felt someone kiss my neck, straddling me. I knew they weren’t finished. I let out a whimper of protest, my body beyond done.

  
“Now, now beautiful, it’s ok, it’s ok,” I felt Dobbs say into my collar bone making me cry. At that point, I just wanted to die. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. To leave this place and never come back. It didn’t matter that something similar was happening to …Will? Oh, shit what if someone was doing this to Will what if someone had… no! NO!

  
“NO!” I screamed right before someone grabbed something and shoved it into my mouth holding my mouth open making my jaw hurt.

  
“Thank you, Lou,” Dobbs said, “I know the first one was kind of a freebie but you seem to be getting tired and tongues get loose when they get tired so I thought I’d save you some trouble all right?” Dobbs hissed licking down my chest Lou’s hands already down there, already doing things to me.

  
I don’t remember when they stopped only that when they were done one of them carried me back to the holding room. They set me down on a cot near the door, my whole body still shaking.

  
I was shaking so badly I couldn’t even grab a blanket to cover myself. I couldn’t open my eyes but if I had I wouldn’t have been able to see anything because I was crying so hard. I couldn’t do anything but try to curl into a ball and fail horribly. Every cell in my body was shaking to the point where I felt like I was going to have a seizure or a stroke.

  
“Go get the doctor,” I heard someone say over me as I heard bare feet slapping again the marble floor frantically as someone else threw a blanket over me, “John it’s Tosh. Can you speak?”

  
I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even shake my head of my own accord. I was trapped in my body and couldn’t control its movement. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, nothing. It was like being trapped on that bed. Nothing was under my control. Not even the way my body felt.’

  
“John? John it’s Dr. Palmer can you move?” Vic asked, “Can you open your eyes? Can you hear me?”

  
“What is wrong with him?” I heard Tosh ask Vic quietly.

  
“He’s having a NES,” Vic said, “I have something right here, ok John you’re going to feel a poke. This should help it’s going to make you sleepy though.” I felt a needle go into my arm stinging slightly but I still couldn’t open my eyes, still couldn’t stop moving until everything went dark, my thoughts went out like someone blowing out a candle.

  
I opened my eyes sometime later my whole body hurting. I had no idea where I was for a second until I looked around and saw Tosh and Will watching me carefully, “Wha appen?” I asked.

  
“Hey,” Will said coming over and grabbing my hand, “Dr. Palmer said you had a seizure. Are you ok?”

  
I nodded my head. My whole body feeling weak but stiff all at once. I felt weird. Really really weird finally able to find the strength to open my eyes, “Seizure?”

  
“Yeah. Are you ok?” Will asked again.

  
“I think so,” I answered, “I don’t know I…I don’t know.”

  
“Do you remember who you were with?” Tosh asked.

  
“Lou,” I answered slowly, “Dobbs.”

  
“Shit,” I heard Adam utter coming up to my left side, “He did something bad, didn’t he?”

  
I swallowed my throat burning a little bit. I didn’t want to think about it. What they had done. What they had let Chad do. What Leo was going to do next weekend when he had the chance or hell probably even tomorrow. I curled up in a ball trying to hide my face.

  
“Hey, it’s ok. I’m right here John, it’s ok,” Will said pulling my head forward into his lap rubbing my forehead, “It’s ok. It’s almost over. We’re almost out of here.”

  
“No,” I whispered, “I have to go home with Leo after this. I’m with him until I leave for school on Monday remember?”

  
“Maybe if I ask Da nicely he’ll let you come home with us?” Will asked.

  
“Don’t you fucking dare Will. No deals with him on your back. I swear to god I will be so fucking mad at you I will lose it,” I hissed loudly making him flinch.

  
“Ok, no deals. I swear, all right?” Will said I nodded my head just as I heard some commotion as someone came over to us.

  
“Are you ok?” Pat asked his eyes wide in fear, “I just got here. What the fuck happened?”

  
“Dr. Palmer said he had a seizure,” Will answered him, “He said he gave him some Ativan and it stopped but …it was probably because of stress.”

  
“It was over stimulation,” Adam snorted, “Fucking Lou.”

  
“Who are you?” Pat asked.

  
“Adam. Nice to meet you,” Adam answered looking at Pat.

  
“I’m Pat,” Pat said.

  
“Ah!” Adam said smiling looking at me and nodding his head in approval.

  
“What?” Pat frowned confused.

  
“Nothing. Nothing. I got to know John in the hospital,” Adam answered.

  
“You know what happened?” Pat asked looking at him.

  
“I know Lou. If I know Lou I know him well enough to know that when John was done Lou wasn’t,” Adam answered.

  
“Wait who is Lou?” Pat asked looking at me. He knew Dom had two dads everyone knew Dom had two dads’ but no one really knew who they were.

  
“Morrow,” I answered not meeting Pat’s gaze, “Lou Morrow.”

  
“Morrow as in Dom Morrow?” Pat asked frowning.

  
“Yeah that’s Lou,” Adam said, “I’m their new pet.”

  
“Oh shit,” Pat said, “They are into weird stuff.”

  
“So is Leo,” I said my whole body having a spasm causing Pat to put a hand on my shoulder, “Lay down.”

  
“Pat, I just spent god knows how long laying down,” I said.

  
“Ra---John I don’t care. Lay down. If it was caused by stress you could have another one so try and relax please,” Pat said his brow furrowed in concern.

  
“Pat, you need to watch it,” Will said quietly causing Pat to pull his hand away quickly and look around to room to see who was watching.

  
We weren’t supposed to be near each other because we were in with recruits like Chad. People who would tell if we seemed too friendly. People who would get our names in the bowl for just sharing a certain look, for rumors just being passed around. Especially because we kept insisting we were just friends which at that point in time we were just friends because we were contracted him to Gus and me to Leo.

  
“What is Lou into?” He asked looking at Adam not at me.

  
“He huh…” Adam’s face started going red and I couldn’t watch or listen anymore. I covered my face with my blanket, not wanting to hear it pressing my palms to my ears.

  
He was telling him. Tell Pat about the metal rods, about what they did. I didn’t want Pat to know those things. That people did stuff like that to me. I especially didn’t want him to know about Chad. How they had let Chad…how Dick wanted to as well. How I had been told by Leo that if Dick ever came to me, came on to me I was supposed to let him do what he wanted. I didn’t want to think about any of it. Someone moved my blanket off of my face and it was Will saying something but saying it quietly so I had trouble reading his lips.

  
I moved my hands from my ears, “What?” I asked.

  
“Did he do that to you?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I answered my tongue touching my molar.

  
“You might not have heard what Adam just described but I’m pretty sure you know what it was anyway. Is that something they did to you? Did Leo do that to you?” Will asked me quietly.

  
I looked away. He was right. I knew they were talking about the rods but I didn’t want to talk about it. Admit to it. I didn’t want anyone to know Leo did that stuff to me. That other people had done that stuff to me.

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I repeated shaking my head.

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding putting my blanket back over my face.

  
He knew I wasn’t saying no. That I wasn’t saying no because that would be a lie but that I didn’t want to talk about it. That I was telling him I wasn’t ready to talk about it seeing as how it had just happened. How it probably caused my whole body to have a seizure.

  
“Where’s Dom?” I heard his voice and felt like I couldn’t breathe. The only thought in my head being oh god please don’t tell them please just go away.

  
“I thought you might know that,” Tosh said glaring hard at Chad.

  
“Oh, I was busy with someone else for a little while. He is definitely worth that five let me tell you what,” Chad said.

  
“You’re a special kind of freak,” Pat hissed at Chad.

  
I could almost hear Chad’s sneer as I braced myself for him to tell them. Tell all of them. Let them know that he had taken me. That the brotherhood had let him have sex with me. To rub it in Pat’s face because of the rumors flying around that we were together.

  
“Jealous?” Chad asked Pat.

  
“Why would I be jealous of you raping a little boy?” Pat hissed, “I personally think that’s disgusting.”

  
“Really?” Chad asked and again I could just feel his smirk growing, “You think it’s so gross? I bet you dream about it every night when you’re not with Gus. Hell, maybe you even close your eyes and wish it was him instead of Gus over top of you or maybe you wish you were on top of him…” Chad said and I heard my own sharp inhale.

  
“You fucking didn’t,” I heard Pat hiss slowly his voice low the air in the room turning cold.

  
“And if I did? What are you going to do about it?” Chad asked, “You could come after me but unless you want to end up in your own special film with you and prince charming I would be very careful.”

  
“You didn’t,” Pat hissed again.

  
“Ask him,” Chad said, “I don’t know what he thought of me I haven’t asked but I thought he was amazing.”

  
“Leave us alone,” Tosh said and he stood up.

  
“What are you going to do?” Chad asked.

  
“I’m a five too and I’m not how you say boning him and I’ll kick your ass,” Tosh said.

  
“You think you could?” Chad asked.

  
“If you don’t want to find out you will leave now,” Tosh warned.

  
“Fine, see you later beautiful. Who knows? Maybe next time I see you we’ll play again?” Chad said to my blanket before leaving.

  
“I’m going to go and huh…I’ll be back,” Pat said getting up and walking away as I pulled the blanket off of my face. I could see his hands shaking. I knew he was angry. Not at me but at the fact he couldn’t comfort me, that he wasn’t allowed to and at the fact that Chad had thrown it in his face just to antagonize him.

  
“You ok?” Will asked me.

  
“Not really. Chad just made me feel like I should publish a list so everyone knows everyone else I’ve been with you know? Just get it said and done,” I answered.

  
“Who have you been with?” Tosh asked me frowning as Will went to go smack him but Tosh dodged.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “A couple people I guess.”

  
“You know that was a joke, right?” Tosh asked.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“Not the right time,” Will answered.

  
“What happened to you guys?” I asked looking at Will.

  
“I was in a room for a little while. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t know. I mostly just closed my eyes and tried to ignore it,” Will told me.

  
“Me too,” Tosh said nodding his head, “I don’t know I don’t…it’s easier to pretend it’s not real all just a nightmare.”

  
I nodded my head, “You think Pat will be ok?”

  
“Yeah, he’s just worried about you,” Will answered, “We still can’t figure it out. We’ve been over and over and over it. Talked it to death and we …I don’t know.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Why they choose you,” Will answered, “Why it seems like they pick on you.”

  
“I know I’m on a website,” I answered quietly, “That …” I took a deep breath, I wasn’t talking about that with my little brother I decided.

  
“That what?” Will asked me his eyes getting wet.

  
“Nothing, it’s ok Will,” I answered.

  
“John?” Will said quietly, “Is Da going to put me on the website?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I hope not.”

  
“Me too,” Will said, “Especially if it makes people like that pay attention to you. I don’t want to …I don’t want them to pay attention to me.”

  
“I don’t blame you,” I answered, “Do you know if we’re almost done here?”

  
“No,” Will answered, “I know it’s been a while, hours. I know it’s going to be dark soon.” He told me.

  
“How do you know?” I asked confused because it didn’t seem like the sun was setting to me.

  
“Well, that window is West and while the sun seems high in the sky you can see it through that window so it has to be after noon or after 12pm. I would say it’s around 3 or so and we got here around 7 both of us and then Pat and Cole got here around 10 so it’s been at least 3 hours because I would put that whatever the fuck…”

  
“Will language,” I said.

  
“Sorry,” he said, “The gathering thingy where they made us all stand in that room was around 1:30 at the latest.”

  
“So, I was only in that room with them for two hours?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Will told me, “I don’t know. The guy with me was weird he …he kept putting his fingers and his tongue in there…you know? I don’t like it when they do that. It makes me feel jumpy.”

  
“I don’t like it when they do that either,” I said as the door opened making everyone in our corner jump. It was Dobbs. I stiffened. Why was he back? What did he want?

  
“Glad to see you’re feeling better,” he said coming over and sitting on the end of my bed next to my baby brother.

  
“Will, go hang out with Tosh for a while ok?” I said.

  
Will nodded his head pulling his blanket up so it wasn’t dragging on the floor and walked over to where Tosh was standing with Pat.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Friend?” He asked me looking at Will as he walked away.

  
“Why do you care?” I countered.

  
“Curious. You seem to care about him so I’m just wondering,” he said.

  
“Well, I have more siblings then I do friends so take a guess,” I answered sharply.

  
“You’re giving me attitude?” He asked me.

  
“No sir. Just answering your question,” I replied.

  
“Well, come on,” he said standing up and reaching for my hand to help me up.

  
“Again?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” he said, “No more group stuff. Not like before I promise.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and standing up on my own leaving my blanket on my cot using my hands to cover myself.

  
Once we were out in the hallway he led us up a different staircase to a different room and when we got inside Dick was sitting there on the bed. There some other guy standing next to the door. I sighed whatever this was it wasn’t good.

  
“What’s going on?” I asked looking at Dick not wanting to get any closer to him remembering how gross his hands had felt pawing at me as he took off my clothes.

  
“Well, my friend here Simms has a camera that Tony is going to bring in and you and Dick are going to make a film because you looked very nice with Chad. I’m not going to be in here because I don’t want to hear you beg because I think it’s sad and pathetic but you see Simms likes to watch and he enjoys the begging so…I’ve heard you’re used to it though,” Dobbs said to me, “Afterwards I’ll comfort you though.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head as Dick gave me that look. That same look that I saw in his Da’s face every night before he made me lay under him. Just then someone knocked on the door making me jump and sure enough it was Tony.

  
“Nice to see you again Kid. You know how much money you make us?” Tony said smiling, “A fuck load. I’ve been contacted by people outside the brotherhood that want to meet with you. You’re really popular.”

  
“I don’t want to do this,” I said looking at Tony and not at Dobbs. I knew while Dobbs might be in charge of me tonight Tony was in charge of this and what went on the website.

  
“Relax you might like it. Rich is a good top. You’ll enjoy him,” Tony said looking at Rich nodding his head at him. I felt someone grab me from behind grinding hard against my back side whoever it was, was already aroused.

  
“No,” I said trying to pull away as they squeezed my hips.

  
“Don’t worry,” Rich whispered biting my earlobe, “I’ll make you moan real nice.”

  
“Please,” I begged Tony shaking my head trying to ignore Dick pressing against me. I grabbed the top of his hands trying to get him to let go of my hips as Tony hit the button and Dobbs quietly left the room.

  
Tony just shook his head silently. He didn’t want to speak because the less speaking anyone did but me and Rich the less editing there was to do. The less editing they had to do the sooner they could put the video up for viewing.

  
“It’s ok baby,” Rich said kissing on my neck and the back of my shoulders as he smiled at the camera before he turned. He led me to the bed throwing me forward onto my stomach. For a minute, I sighed in relief thinking he was going to do me from behind, that I wouldn’t have to look him in the face like I had Chad, like Dobbs had made me look at him and Lou as they used that fucking metal thing on me but then he flipped me over. He tried to use his knees to pin me down and spread my legs without letting go of my arms.

  
“NO! STOP! STOP IT!” I shouted as he tried to kiss me, on the lips and I pushed into his chest trying to push him away, “I don’t want to. Please don’t do this, please. I don’t want to.”

  
“Don’t want to what baby?” He asked me finally managing to pin one of my thighs with his knee causing me to hiss in pain, “Don’t want to play? But you’re so beautiful and I’ll make you feel so good,” he said no longer supporting his own weight letting himself fall onto me pinning my arms between us as I tried to push him up off of me.

  
“No,” I begged, “Please stop.”

  
“Want to help me out here Simms? He’s being a little difficult,” Dick asked looking over to where Simms was sitting and he got up and pulled out the shackles, “Just one.”

  
Simms nodded his head and grabbed one of my wrists restraining it for Dick who smiled starting to bite and kiss my torso. I whined rolling my eyes trying to move and twist away only causing his pelvis to make contact with mine. Him grabbing my ass and squeezing as I lifted my hips trying to buck away, trying to get him off of me. I screamed out of anger. I was scared too but angrier that I was too weak to get him away from me, to get him off of me.

  
He wasn’t that much older than I was. He shouldn’t have been that much stronger than me but he was. He was so much stronger than I was. His body was that much heavier. I shook my head and violently pushed at him with my one free arm trying to get him off of me as he settled his body in-between my legs and I knew he was getting ready to go down.

  
“Don’t do that,” I said shaking my head as he bit my nipple lightly making me gasps as I tried to claw at his cheek. He grabbed my arm, pushing it up above my head and pinning it there.

  
I didn’t understand the point of chaining up my one arm but not the other. It was to make it look like a real fight but not really give me a chance, to give the viewers something to drool over but not really make it a fair fight. Some guys got off on watching the struggle just as much as Leo got off on the verbal protest and they were always trying to target an audience with their videos.

  
“You’ll like it,” he told me. He dipped his tongue into my belly button as he got closer to where his mouth totally didn’t belong.

  
“No. No, I won’t… I don’t want to do that, “I hissed, “You need to stop. I won’t do that. I’ll do anything else but I won’t let you d…” I went silent with shock his one hand touching me there, grabbing me and rubbing causing me to go silent my eyes to go wide.  
“Yeah? See I knew you’d like it. It feels good, doesn’t it? My Dad told me what you like. How you love having a tongue glide along your slit like this…” he said doing something that almost made me moan that I was barely able to bite back. He slid a well lubed finger into my ass feeling how tight I was and then sighed smiling, “You’re already ready huh?”

  
He stood up but I knew better than to try and move that camera pointed right at my face I sighed and tried again, “Please Tony, please don’t make me do this. Don’t let him do this.”

  
Tony sighed his eyes flashing as he pressed pause setting the camera down on the table, “Listen kiddo you can’t talk to me. Just because I have a camera pointed at your face doesn’t mean you can talk to me ok? I don’t want to hear my name on your lips when that camera is looking at you. It ruins the shot and I don’t like having shots ruined so you need to keep your mouth shut and pretend I’m not here.”

  
Dick grabbed me by the chin squeezing my face forcing me to open my mouth so he could kiss me as he pushed me back on the bed as he pushed his way inside of me causing me to scream into his mouth. I pushed at him trying to get him off of me as Tony picked the camera back up. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want his lips on my lips, I didn’t want him kissing me.

  
This felt worse, him and Chad felt worse than guys like my Da touching me. I felt like I should be able to push them off. I should be able to handle them, fight them off and I couldn’t. I was too small too weak.

  
“God, you are good,” he said as I screamed.

  
He pushed into me and then pulled out him rolling his hips like Leo could roll his hips. Doing it in that way that always hit that spot making me moan,

  
“Yeah that’s it baby. That’s it.” he said starting to find his rhythm, starting to make my toes curl and my body go weak. “There you go. Let me make you feel good,” he breathed.

  
He leaned forward kissing my neck as Tony stuck the camera in my face getting a close up of me as Dick grabbed my hip hard reaching as far inside of me as he could, “Can’t speak, can you? Your ass is trying to swallow my dick so it must feel good. Right baby?”

  
I was gasping. My chest was heaving as I tried to just breathe. Tried to stop my body from getting pleasure from what he was doing and it didn’t work. My whole body feeling frozen as he kept going. He made me orgasm hard hitting it enough that I could no longer keep myself from climaxing both of us finishing around the same time.

  
“That was prefect baby,” he said as he started kissing down me, “So prefect,” he muttered up against my ball sack licking and kissing me cleaning the cum off of my skin. When he was done, Tony laughed.

  
“That was amazing. That’s going to sell nicely,” Tony said to me and Dick, “He’s sweet, isn’t he?”

  
“Boy is he,” Dick answered. He looked at me running his hand along my chest as I closed my eyes willing him to leave me alone. Willing them both away, “His cum taste like whoa…”

  
“Really? That’s what I keep hearing. I can’t say I’ve tasted it myself but I have less of a thing for his age and more of thing for the little girls. If you know what I mean,” Tony said making me cringe.

  
“I love girls,” Dick said, “I however really see the appeal of …well…” Dick said and I was pretty sure he was looking at me.

  
I heard Dick sigh and he leaned over me kissing my cheek, “You tell anyone at school I will fucking kill you,” he whispered in my ear.

  
“Come on. We’ll leave him here Dobbs will take care of him,” Tony said smiling at me, “I might give your Dad some names kid, because you just cost me about 4 hours of editing because you decided you needed to use my fucking name. Have fun.”

  
Him and Dick left me there. My one arm still shackled to the bed and I didn’t open my eyes until I heard the door close. When I opened them Dobbs was staring at me? He was looking at me like he wanted me. I sighed closing my eyes again. I was done.  
“Giving up on trying to worm your way out of it?” He asked me laying down beside me and rolling me onto my side so he could spoon with me.

  
“Why did you let them?” I asked not moving to look at him, allowing him to move around behind me figuring he was putting a condom on getting ready to push up inside of me doing what he wanted to me so I could leave, so he would send me back to the holding room.

  
“Let who?” He asked grabbing the back of one of my knees making me bend my leg as he pressed against me like I thought he would and I took a deep breath as he pushed inside of me the angle feeling weird.

  
“Them, Chad and…,” I answered my eyes going wide as he hit that spot.

  
“Sharp inhale? Feels good?” He asked continuing to pound into me, “Because it’s hot and they’re new. It’s not often they get the feel of a five under them especially because they are trackers. I don’t know I thought you would prefer it was you then your brother. They liked fairer boys and didn’t want an Asian so that left just you and him. Your Da thought you might be willing to take the hit to keep your brother out of it. Was he right? Fuck yeah so close,” he muttered his one hand wrapping around my cock starting to pump.

  
“Yeah he…” I gasped again my whole-body close but my whole being beyond tired, exhausted really. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. I let him finish inside of me my body barely registering what was happening to it at that point everything just feeling tired.

  
“All right come on,” Dobbs said unshackling me, “Can you walk?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered standing up almost collapsing under my own weight as he caught me.

  
“I guess not huh?” He asked me, “Come on. I’ll help you get back to holding, it should start emptying out soon.”

  
He did help me get back to holding, walking me over to my cot and leaving me there. Once he was gone Dom came up to me, his eye starting to swell making me cringe just looking at him. He must have heard me hiss because he smiled at me.

  
“I know it’s a great look, right?” He asked me.

  
“What did they do to you?” I asked.

  
“Huh, I’ve been through worse,” Dom told me, “They said you were here and then they took you again?”

  
“Yeah,” I said, “I’m all right though.”

  
“Usually when that happens to me it means Tony is involved,” Dom said and I swallowed and Dom nodded, “I won’t say anything ok?”

  
“Yeah, please don’t,” I said running a hand through my hair.

  
“I won’t. Sometimes they huh, let …” Dom looked around to see who was listening, “trackers huh…” I grabbed his hand and nodded my head signaling for him to stop that he was right.

  
“I just…he can’t hear about it,” I said looking around the room.

  
“You afraid of how he’s going to react?” Dom asked quietly.

  
“He gets mad easy you know? And …I don’t want him in trouble,” I answered.

  
“You want to tell me anything? He’s not over here right now and I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t,” Dom said to me.

  
“I know, I just…I worry someone will over hear and then they’ll tell him,” I answered, “That and I already have to deal with what fucking Chad did so…”

  
“Oh yeah. I heard about that. Are you all right?” Dom asked me.

  
“I’ve never…besides Pat, not one on one,” I answered.

  
“Oh,” Dom said going quiet, “That always sucks.”

  
“Yeah at least with Pat I trusted him,” I answered, “He would never…not like that. He even refused to do things. They beat him for that. He wouldn’t do it though because I told him I didn’t want him to where Chad he just…and then he let everyone know including Pat.”

  
“How did Pat react?” He asked.

  
“Angry,” I said, “He had to leave. Tosh told Chad off. Told Chad to leave before Tosh kicked his ass.”

  
“Really?” Dom asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“That would be something to see even though I bet you Tosh could do it. He seems tough,” Dom said.

  
“Maybe,” I answered, “I never thought they would …I mean I’m a five they’re supposed to be treat me better right?”

  
Dom sighed, “I don’t know. It seems like you have the attention of a lot of people.”

  
“I…I’m a whore Dom,” I said.

  
“You’re surviving. We all are just surviving. Sometimes that means …you have no idea how often they make me do really really horrible things. How often they take me to houses with little kids, like little tiny kids and they make me…if anything I’m the evil one. I’m the whore. Not you.” Dom said.

  
“Lou said that they use those rod things on you?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head, hurt crossing his face, “It’s too much it…I don’t…”

  
“Me too,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Have they done that to anyone else?” I asked Dom.

  
“I don’t know,” Dom answered, “I…sorry it’s hard to talk about.”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “Leo filmed me and shared it with people. He said they wanted him to do stuff to me. I can’t tell anyone about that or the rods or …I just can’t.”

  
“Was it a small camera?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah really small like I didn’t even notice it at first why?” I asked.

  
“It was a webcam, it means he was recording it to share on the computer,” Dom said, “Pop uses one sometimes. I don’t like it either.”

  
“How am I ever going to show my face in school? After Chad and…”

  
I shrugged my shoulders not willing to give that one up. Not willing to let Dom know for some reason. I didn’t want Dom to know about Dick. What he had done. I didn’t want to even mention his name because of what Dick had forced him to do when we first arrived.

  
“The same way I do. You ignore Chad and avoid him as much as you can,” Dom said, “I mean he’s not allowed to touch you again without permission honestly because you’re a five but they gave it to him once so he might take that to mean he’s allowed to…whenever he wants. So, I would just try to avoid being anywhere near him if you could. Him and his group if other people aren’t around they’ll say stuff you. He’ll tell them things. Things you don’t want other people to know about what happened, about you.”

  
“Like kind of what he told Pat?” I asked.

  
“No, he told Pat that to piss Pat off because he needed to make Pat angry. He tells his friends to brag, to humiliate you,” Dom said.

  
“Do I even want to know what he’ll say to them?” I asked.

  
“He’ll find a way to describe how you taste, how you feel. He’ll tell them whether you screamed or not, pleaded, how your body reacted to…” Dom swallowed looking around the room to see if anyone was listening, “I don’t …”

  
“I know it’s ok,” I said nodding my head in understanding, “So he’ll tell everyone about everything?”

  
“Yeah,” Dom said wiping at his eyes furiously, “I hope Dick isn’t the same way but I’m going to bet you he is. That if I piss him off he’ll tell everyone.”

  
“Are we almost out of here you think?” I asked.

  
“Are you really in that much of a hurry to go back to Leo?” Dom asked me.

  
“I’m tired and it’s hard to sleep here. At least I don’t expect to be able to fight back against Leo not like …” I just shook my head.

  
“Is Dick going with you?” He asked, “What, what did I say?”

  
“N-nothing, just surprised you said his name,” I answered.

  
“Well it’s not like he’s the first person to make me do that. I’ve been dealing with this since I was four so it’s not a big deal to me anymore. At least not most of the time. Not until they let everyone else know,” Dom answered me, “He didn’t…? Did he?”  
I closed my eyes pinching the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to talk about that, didn’t want to imagine what he would do if Leo decided he didn’t want to be with me when we got back to Leo’s condo because he seemed so happy with…being with me. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, not about Dick. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  
“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “Let me know if you want to talk about it. There’s no reason to feel like it’s your fault though ok?”

  
“Not my fault?” I hissed shaking my head, “How can you say that? I should be able to fight them off. I should be…I should be strong enough.”

  
“You’re 13 John. We’re 13 and how old are they?” Dom asked me causing me to sigh.

  
“It doesn’t matter. Do you think we’re going home soon?” I asked.

  
“I have no idea, it’s almost dark so hopefully?” Dom said shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t know sometimes I prefer the guys here to what Pop does.”

  
“I don’t even know who is worse anymore,” I said.

  
“What do you mean?” Dom asked, “Don’t you hate what your Da does?”

  
“Yeah I do but…I don’t know. At least with him I know what to expect at least if he’s taping it I can see the camera. At least Da doesn’t want to share me with anyone and…he doesn’t use those things where Leo and apparently some of his friends they…it’s bad Dom. I hate it and I have to do it for six months,” I answered.

  
Just then Vic came in carrying my little brother making me aware that he had been gone. I ran over to him as best I could my body exhausted, “What happened? Is he ok?” I asked.

  
“He’s just tried,” Vic said, “He’s sore. He’ll be ok though nothing is punctured. They got lucky with that. Trust me, I chewed them out for it.”

  
“What did they do Dr. Palmer?” I asked scared as Vic gently sat Will down on a cot wrapping him in a blanket.

  
Vic went to go put his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged him away shaking my head. I didn’t want him touching me. Not after what he did. The only reason why I had let him comfort me before I went into the hospital was because I felt lonely and desperate and scared because I had failed at killing myself.

  
Vic looked at me sadly and lowered his voice so only I could hear him, “I thought you’d forgiven me?”

  
“I told you I don’t think…”

  
“I did that because I had to ok? I didn’t want to do that I’m sorry. I swear to you, I’m sorry,” Vic said.

  
I sighed running a hand through my hair, “What did they do to him?” I asked again.

  
“He’s in a lot of pain,” Vic told me, “He was in the front room with some of the older boys and I’m not sure it’s my place to tell you what happened but it was mostly recruits and Art…they weren’t very nice. He got lucky, he’s not seriously hurt.”

  
“Vic, you need to tell me what they did. He’s 11 years old. He’s a little boy. He’s my brother you can’t tell me I don’t have a right to know,” I said.

  
“One of the boys decided he wasn’t screaming enough,” Vic said, “John if I had been in the room I would have stopped them he’s too small for that, his body isn’t made for that.”

  
“For what?” I asked again getting more and more scared that Vic wouldn’t tell me what had happened.

  
“He’s lucky they were smaller because they aren’t fully grown yet not quiet, since it was Chad and Al and not an adult,” Vic said

  
“TELL ME WHAT THEY DID!” I shouted really afraid of what had happened.

  
“You know what doubles is?” He asked me.

  
“NO!” I shook my head bending down and pulling Will’s limp unconscious body into my lap, “No, oh god no.” I said rocking him rubbing his head, “no.” I started crying.

  
“He’s already stopped bleeding. I think he was prepared enough that it won’t be too bad just sore for a couple of day,” Vic said quietly.

  
“He’s a little boy,” I said again shaking my head trying not to cry, trying to not to show everyone how hurt I was. How heart broken. This was my little brother.

  
This was the baby that I used to struggle to lift to when he didn’t move fast enough to hide in the closet so Uncle Ben couldn’t hurt him. This was my baby. My first baby. And some perverts had made him feel like he was being ripped in half from the inside out. Some pervert had hurt him so badly that Vic probably gave him something to put him to sleep so he didn’t have to feel the pain. I felt sick to my stomach my whole body shaking with anger wishing I could do something to take his pain away, his hurt.  
“Hey, he’ll be ok I swear it,” Vic said laying a hand on my shoulder making me jump and pull away.

  
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I hissed causing half the room to stop just as I noticed Pat was back.

  
“John are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“John’s upset because of what they did to Will,” Vic answered.

  
“Don’t talk for me I can talk for myself. You don’t get to talk for me. Not after…” I trailed off realizing what I was saying, that I was telling everyone. That I was letting everyone know what he had done.

  
“Hey,” Pat said quietly coming up to me, “John, you’re all right. It’s just Vic. Vic isn’t going to hurt you he doesn’t mean anything by it ok?”

  
I stood up gently lowering Will back onto the cot out of my lap and stood up pulling my blanket tightly around myself. I was still shaking, still upset and angry that I wasn’t able to protect my brother that the only man I had ever trusted in my life, had ever showed me kindness had hurt me and I still couldn’t get over it.

  
He only did it because if he hadn’t the brotherhood would have killed him because my Da would have told everyone he refused and he was supposed to be just like them. I knew that, I knew he did it to save himself so he could keep helping people but, it felt invasive, more so then even my Da because after a certain age I knew I couldn’t trust him even if I loved him and wished he would be normal. I knew I couldn’t trust him. But Vic, Vic I had trusted more so than anyone but my mum and he had taken that and thrown it away.

  
“He doesn’t get to talk for me after what he did,” I whispered curling myself into a ball.

  
“What did he do?” Pat asked quietly bending down to sit on the floor next to my cot. I didn’t have to look at him to tell he was scared of my answer. That he was scared to know what had happened because he could already guess what had happened.  
“I did what I had to. I’m sorry John. I really am,” Vic said quietly standing behind Pat making Pat turn around.

  
“Vic, I don’t care why you did whatever it was but, you need to back up,” Pat said his hands balling into fist his anger showing.

  
“I’m backing up but only because I’m afraid if his blood pressure goes up he’s going to have another seizure. I care about you guys all right? I really do and I know saying sorry isn’t going to make it any better but I really am sorry,” Vic said again before getting up and walking away.

  
“I don’t know what he did and you obviously aren’t ready to tell me but is there anything I can do for you?” Pat asked me.

  
“I don’t think so, just leave me here with him so I can be here when he wakes up. Why did he let them do that?” I asked.

  
“Let who do what?” Pat asked.

  
“They hurt him really bad Pat. Why would my Da let them do that?” I asked.

  
“It might not have been your Dad it might have been Lord. He’s in charge you know, that right?” Pat told me.

  
“Yeah but he could fight him. He could tell him he won’t let someone do that to them, to him and Da doesn’t… he doesn’t care. He wants them to hurt my babies. He should care about them and he doesn’t and I don’t understand why,” I said shaking my head going back over to Will and climbing on his cot putting his head back in my lap even though he didn’t move.

  
“He doesn’t care about you either,” Pat replied, “If he did do you think he’d…”

  
“He does. Just not the way he’s supposed to,” I answered. I wasn’t stupid I knew my Da “loved” me in his own twisted sick way. It felt like he wanted to have sex with me which he obviously did and the things he said, the stuff he did they all did. It made me feel confused, sick to my stomach because while they knew I didn’t want to they kept telling me I did almost to the point where I believed it. I believed sometimes that I wanted it. That my body wanted it and I hated that fact. I hated the fact that it felt like they were right.

  
“No, if he cared about you he wouldn’t have contracted you to Leo. If he loved you he wouldn’t have videotaped you and put it out there for the world to see. I don’t know how our Dad’s feel about us but, it isn’t love. You don’t hurt people you love. You would never do something like that Will or any of your brothers or sisters and I would have never even thought of doing the things they do to us to Charlie. If I ever even thought I was capable of doing something like that to him I’d kill myself because it’s sick and it’s wrong and you don’t hurt people you love like that. Not ever and you don’t let other people do those things either,” Pat said to me.

  
Just then the door opened Hank came into the room and Pat and I both stopped dead. We both knew he was probably there for me. The whole room went silent watching him as he walked up to where Pat and I were.

  
“Dad,” Pat said, “What are you doing?”

  
“I just want to hang out with John for a little bit,” Hank said as he grabbed my arm hard pulling me up before I could protest.

  
“Dad please,” Pat said, “Will is hurt. He needs his brother when he wakes up.”

  
“Don’t worry I’ll bring him back in one piece,” Hank said as he started pulling me from the room.


	27. 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets to expierence some time with Hank at the Villa. After they leave he ends up at mass spending some time with his siblings and talking to Pat before he goes back to Leo's house for the day. He starts to ponder some of Leo's behaviors that make him more uncomfortable. The way he likes to hear John discuss things he's uncomfortable with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 513 to 534. A bit of a shorter chapter that I ended in a weird spot but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging too long with the way the last one ended. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of rape, child sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, mental health issues, underage, consensual kissing, talk of CSA that's planned against a toddler.**

I wasn’t sure what was happening but only that it was probably going to hurt. I didn’t fight him and I probably should have. He pulled me out into the hallway where Father McClairen was standing. They dragged me down a hallway and into a room that made my heart stop when I walked in. There was a weird couch in the middle of the room and this weird stand up against the wall with straps on it. On another wall was a set up like my Da had. Whips and paddles and other things hanging on hooks on the wall and a cage in the corner. It wasn’t like the cage at home with the domed top that looked more like a human sized bird cage but more like a dog cage and I knew this room was trouble, I was in big trouble.

  
“Your eyes are so big,” Gus said running a hand through my hair, “Scared? It’s ok to be scared but you might find you like it,” he said before he licked my cheek.

  
He started forcing me to walk backwards and I couldn’t see what was going on behind me. I knew Hank was in the room somewhere I just didn’t know where. Not until Gus started forcing me to sit down and I felt Hank’s hands grab my hips hard pulling me down.

  
I bit back a scream knowing I wasn’t allowed to scream, to protest. I felt Hank go up my ass easily making me gasps. I closed my eyes trying to shut them out as he started kissing the back of my neck.

  
“Don’t play dead baby. We just want to have some fun,” Hank whispered into my ear somehow managing to push up inside of me making me squeak.

  
“You think you’ll cum hard?” Father McClairen asked laying a towel down on the floor and leaning on it in front of us his head in my lap as he started kissing my inner thighs making my head feel dizzy as Hank bucked up inside of me again.

  
I felt sick. I knew he was getting ready to give me a blow job and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want to be raped while someone else blew me. Hank pulled me back so my back was leaning against his chest, his hands rubbing my torso and stomach making me feel sick as he continued to buck up inside of me in a short forceful burst every couple of minutes as Gus finally took me into his mouth his hand massaging my balls making me jump making my stomach feel queasy.

  
“Feels good doesn’t it baby?” Hank breathed into my neck. I was just trying to stay calm trying not to plead with them to stop no matter how much I wanted them to stop.

  
They kept going until I was right at the edge and then Hank jacked me off making me orgasm all over Father McClairen face who seemed to really like it laughing and then leaning up and kissing me, “Good boy. You taste really sweet.”

  
Hank finished inside of me my whole being beyond numb, beyond tired and I just hoped they were done so I could go home, so I could leave. I didn’t want to be in that damn house anymore. I didn’t want to feel their hands on me, feel them inside of me. I was sick and tired and felt like a piece of meat and it made me angry and sad. When Hank was done he let me get up my whole ass burning as he pulled out laying me down on the weird couch still rubbing my shoulders and chest and stomach. I wanted his hands off of me, want him to stop.

  
“Hey,” Hank said to Father McClairen, “Don’t you love his face?”

  
“Yeah, I love his cum more though. I think he tastes amazing you were right, I should have done that instead of fuck him not that he’s a bad fuck he’s really good but that taste is unlike anything I’ve ever had,” Gus told him.

  
“I’ve never seen his face as he cums I’m usually behind him. I’d love to see what he looks like being blown,” Hank said, “Well you help me out? I’ll shove a vibe up there and you just go to town, so I can see his eyes, see what’s going on in that head of his?”  
“Oh yeah,” McClairen said nodding his head excitedly as Hank grabbed a vibrator off of the wall and they pushed it inside of me. Hank grabbed a chair from somewhere on the other side of the room and took my arms keeping me down, keeping me laying down against that weird couch as he turned on the vibrator and I felt my eyes go wide Hank smiling at me petting my face.

  
“Hi there. Look at those gorgeous eyes,” he said smiling, “You going to cum good for us baby?” He asked me.

  
My chest was already heaving because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The vibrator on full blast giving constant stimulation to my prostate making me feel dizzy as I tried to keep breathing. That cold fire was horrible but I kept telling myself that I was ok that as soon as I orgasmed it would be over because they would be done. I just had to give them what they wanted and they would be done.

  
I felt his mouth go around me his hands massaging me as he started using his mouth to fuck me. I felt sick. My eyes started to roll as Hank smacked my face lightly, “Look at me beautiful.” he said, “Not yet just look at me. There you go, what does it feel like?”

  
I couldn’t speak my mouth stuck open my eyes still trying to roll my body shuddering because I couldn’t take it. Every touch hurting. Every touch too much as Gus’s tongue started doing something weird a moan escaping my mouth before I could stop it.  
“Surprised yourself?” Hank said, “It’s ok that it feels good. You can let us know.”

  
I tried to fight making more sounds but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop myself from making noise. it caused me pain and something else all at once every cell in my body misfiring until I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling again my whole body overwhelmed with orgasm as I heard Hank laughing and felt his lips brush against my forehead.

  
“Beautiful, just beautiful,” he muttered kissing my forehead again.

  
I remember the most his eyes. His normally cold eyes that seemed to not show any emotion at all had something behind them. Excitement, happiness as I stared at him not being able to control the emotions I showed. I was scared and hating myself and he knew it and worse, he was enjoying it. He could see I was in emotional pain, hating myself and my body, everything that I was and the fact that I couldn’t control what was happening and liking it. He liked seeing me suffer in a way that most people don’t see or don’t bother to notice and he was getting off on it.

  
I don’t remember McClairen leaving but I know Hank climbed back on top of me again me so tired I couldn’t open my eyes to look at him as he had sex with me. My lungs screaming at me, saying it was too hard. That moving air was too hard my body was too heavy. My legs and arms felt almost broken like my brain could no longer make them move, make them respond.

  
Every time I tried to speak a strangled gurgling moan was all I managed. I don’t know how long he kept me there. How long he made me lay underneath him as his hands and mouth and dick went everywhere he wanted them to, even using my hand at one point to pleasure himself rubbing it up and down his shaft because I was too tired and too weak to move it myself. When he was done he cuddled me, pulling me into his lap and holding me like a baby. Talking to me even though I can’t remember what it was he said. When he was done he stood up taking me back to the holding room and putting me down on a cot near the door.

  
“Is he ok?” I heard Cole ask, “He doesn’t look very good.”

  
“He’s not twitching and shaking like before so I think he’s all right,” Tosh answered, “I think he’s just tired.”

  
I managed to nod my head my eyes too heavy to open. My skin felt like it was on fire with that cold horrible feeling. I wasn’t sure I could speak even if I tried and I just felt lucky he hadn’t made me suck his dick because him doing that probably would have caused me to choke to death and choking on a cock was not on my list of things to do anytime soon. I sighed as I felt a little body slide up onto the cot next to mine adding another blanket over top of my body making me feel warmer, safer.  
“It’s ok John my body hurts too,” Will told me curling into my side lifting my arm up so he could put it around his shoulders.

  
I couldn’t even open my eyes to look at him. My little brother who needed me to be there for him and I was too trapped in my body, my skin crawling my brain working but unable to make my body move or speak. I felt weak and stupid and used. I was just so tired though. I moved my hand grabbing his forehead.

  
“I know, it’s ok,” he said snuggling into me laying his head against my chest over top of the blanket that was over me, “I’m sorry.”

  
I don’t remember falling asleep but more feeling relaxed. Feeling like once I could speak again I would be ok, that things would somehow be ok because he was there with me. Because I knew he was safe.

  
When I woke up I didn’t feel his head against my chest anymore jumping up looking around freaking out searching for him. I was afraid they had taken him back to hurt him more and then Dom looked at me, “Man it’s late people are starting to go home. Your Dad took him home. he’s ok. He has a bit of a waddle but most of us do otherwise it’s ok I swear to you.”

  
I sighed feeling reassured my whole body still tingling from what Hank and Gus had done my brain hating everything that had happened. I sighed laying back and closing my eyes trying to slow my breathing choosing to believe Dom. Choosing to believe my Da wasn’t sick enough to make him go through other stuff after someone had nearly ripped him apart from the inside out.

  
“Most people have already left. Chad is gone, most of his group is gone. Tosh is gone, Ryuu is gone a bunch of other people. That little kid we were keeping an eye on, he’s gone. However, I’m pretty sure he was just a prize because this party was partly to honor him and he likes them young so…” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Yeah. He scares me,” I answered pinching the bridge of my nose.

  
“Well, he told me I’m almost too old so we’re going to be in the clear soon I hope,” Dom said.

  
“Maybe,” I answered, “I have little brother though and my Da basically said Hank is making payments on him.”

  
“Payments on him? Your Dad is actually going to sell one of your siblings?” Dom asked me frowning.

  
“I don’t think he’s going to sell him but he made it sound like,” I felt the lump forming in my throat, “He was going to sell something that isn’t his to sell in my personal opinion.”

  
“How old is he?” Dom asked.

  
“Mac? He’s almost 2,” I answered.

  
“Oh shit,” Dom said shaking his head at me, “He’s taking a payment plan for your brothers…. v card?”

  
“That’s what it sounded like,” I told Dom.

  
“I really fucking hope not because Hank was the worst. When I was between 6 and 12. He’s nasty this scar…” He stood up turning around showing me a scar that was right above his ass crack that looked like a bite mark, “I got that when I was 10 I squealed. He got pissed because I squealed because he…” Dom shook his head, “It hurt. That bite I will never forget that bite. He didn’t just bite me he like fucking Mike Tysoned my ass crack.”

  
“Yeah, he hasn’t done that to me but he has whipped me more than once,” I said, “Trust me. I’m not thrilled with the prospect of him spending time with my brother. He’s been giving him toys too. Trying to make Mac think he’s a good person. I care about Pat you know I do but I can’t stand Hank.”

  
“Yeah well, I don’t think anyone can including Pat. He might not be that bad to Pat now other than the fact that he’s fucking mean. But when we were little Pat and I spent a lot of time together. He used to hurt Pat, bad. Like really bad. I’m talking broken ribs, fractured arms, he once busted Pat’s hand because Pat got hungry and didn’t ask for permission to get food. If you’ve ever seen his hand you’ll notice the scar from the stitches he got across his knuckles,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah, I know which scar you’re talking about,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Hank is nasty to just about everyone,” Dom said, “He’s done a snuff or two with Anderson who I don’t know if you’ve met him or not. He usually behaves himself if he’s not in the backroom because it’s brotherhood rules but he’s worse than Hank.”

  
“I might have once. I think he drew one of the stones at my branding,” I said trying to remember who it was but not really sure about it at all.

  
“The thing I hate about Hank is how he enjoys it so much. Knowing you’re in pain, knowing he’s making you do endure things you don’t want. He really gets off on it the look on his face is…” Dom took a deep breath, “The stuff nightmares are made of.”

  
I swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded my head. I didn’t want to think about how true that was. How Hank had seemed so happy to see me struggle, to know I hated not being able to be silent. How he liked the fact I couldn’t stop myself from orgasming when him and Gus did those things.

  
“Hey, hey John. You’re ok,” Dom said, “It’s ok all right? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“You’re shaking,” Dom said, “I know it was something I said and I’m sorry.”

  
“No, it wasn’t you,” I said pulling my blanket tighter around me, “They pulled me from the room you know?”

  
“Who did?” Dom asked.

  
“Hank and McClairen,” I answered, “He…Hank held me down and made me look at him as…” my lips started trembling and I stopped speaking pulling my blanket up over my face. I couldn’t tell him that even though Hank had probably done it to him. Hank had probably done it just about everyone but me before even though he had mentioned wanting to do it before.

  
“You’re safe now John. Right now, you’re safe ok? I’m sorry that he did that you. You don’t deserve that I’m sorry,” Dom said quietly.

  
I took deep breaths trying to calm myself. Telling myself that Dom was right. That right now I was ok, that I would be fine I just needed to breathe. But I wasn’t fine with this. I wasn’t fine with Hank doing that, or Leo running his hands through my hair as he made me look at him, as I begged him to stop and he smiled at me telling me how good I was. How McClairen and everyone else commented on how good I tasted. I wasn’t ok with this. This night, Chad and Dick and Lou and everything else I wasn’t ok with. I found myself hyperventilating instead of breathing.

  
“Woah, you need to breathe,” Dom said watching my chest heave as I tried to slow down my breathing and failed, “Come on John. You’re going to make yourself pass out. You need to breathe. Can someone…. thank you!” Dom said pulling the blanket off my head and putting a paper bag in my hand, “breathe into this.”

  
Just then Pat came over pushing Dom out of the way, “Rabbit, please just relax,” Pat said grabbing my hand and squeezing it, “Just relax.”

  
I used the bag focusing on blowing it up all the way. My breathing started to even out both Pat and Dom encouraging me to just breathe. I felt stupid and weak. Helpless like I couldn’t do anything to stop this from happening. Stop them from using me like that.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me quietly, his lips not touching me but close to my ear making a bit of warmth flood my body but only for a brief second before it went cold again.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head being honest, “I’m tired and I don’t want to go with Leo. I want to go home, I want to go home to my own bed, my old bed and I want to lay down and go to sleep and not have to worry about anyone ever touching me again but that’s not going to happen.”

  
“If I could I would lay there with you, cuddle you. I would hold you and tell you it would be ok but I can’t. In fact, it’s really dangerous for me to tell you that right now,” he said causing me to look over at him.

  
“Really?” I asked quietly.

  
“I swear to you,” Pat said, “I’m sorry about Will. That I didn’t protect him good enough.”

  
“It’s not your fault,” I told him sitting up as Lou came into the room.

  
“John it’s ok he’s here for me,” Dom said sighing and standing up.

  
“You ready to go kid?” Lou asked Dom and Dom nodded his head as Adam stood up from the cot he was on in the corner.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head dropping his blanket on the floor, “Am I going to mass in the morning?”

  
“Of course, we are. Don’t be silly,” Lou said, “Why didn’t you tell me you had such a nice friend?”

  
“Pop, come on let’s just go. It’s cold and we’re naked,” Dom said.

  
“I want to say good bye really quick,” Lou said glancing at me coming over to the cot making me freeze up.

  
“Who is that?” Pat asked me.

  
“Dom’s pop,” I whispered.

  
“Hey John, come here,” he said squatting down at the end of my cot watching me carefully.

  
“What do you want?” Pat asked Lou his face hard.

  
“Just to talk to your friend,” Lou answered.

  
“You used him? Didn’t you?” Pat hissed.

  
“We played. He’s good at playing aren’t you John?” Lou said grabbing my foot causing me to jump and pull myself backwards.

  
“Leave him alone,” Pat hissed.

  
“Don’t tell me what to do kid. I’m warning you,” Lou said looking at Pat, “Come here John.”

  
“Pop, please? Let’s just leave I’m tired,” Dom said.

  
“Me too,” Adam said glancing at me offering me an apology with his eyes, “Can we go please?”

  
“I just want a kiss,” Lou said looking at me.

  
“He’s terrified,” Pat said, “Leave him alone please?”

  
“Just a kiss baby come on,” he said inching closer to me making me feel like I couldn’t breathe, making me feel like there was a boulder sitting on my chest. I felt sick to my stomach every fiber in my being screaming at me to run that he was going to hurt me again but feeling trapped, “If you don’t I’ll tell Leo and he’ll be mad. You know Leo. I’m sure you’ve seen him get mad at least once, you don’t want him mad, right?”

  
I shook my head no in reply. I didn’t want Leo mad. I didn’t want to be choked again. I didn’t want him to hurt me.

  
“Then just give me one kiss baby. I won’t even give you tingles just a kiss ok?” He said and someone from the corner of the room laughed causing all of us to turn and look.

  
It was Chad and Dick standing over in the corner watching, laughing at us, at me. I didn’t want Lou touching me. I didn’t want his lips anywhere near me but if I wanted him to leave I knew I had to so I just nodded my head and took a deep breath before I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips quickly trying to pull away after a quick peck but he grabbed the back of my neck holding me there. He forced his tongue in my mouth making me want to whine, to scream but knowing I couldn’t. When he was done he let me go smiling as I rubbed the back of my neck glaring at him.

  
“Thank you. Was that so hard?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head pulling my blanket tighter around me.

  
“I didn’t hear you,” he said smiling, “Don’t tell me they fucked the brain right out of you. I know you’re a good one, obedient but I didn’t think you were that submissive.”

  
“No,” I said not looking at him.

  
“No what?” He asked.

  
“No kissing you wasn’t that hard,” I whispered barely audible my lips barely moving.

  
“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Maybe at some point we’ll get to play again huh?” He said, “Ok boys let’s go.”

  
He got up and walked out of the room swiftly Dom and Adam following with a quick wave of their hands. I closed my eyes exhaling deeply allowing some of the tension to escape my body. I hated them. I hated kissing them and had never been forced to kiss any of them in front of someone besides my Da kissing me like that in front of my siblings. I felt embarrassed my cheeks burning red from shame from being forced to kiss him and not being allowed to pull away.

  
Pat looked at me and sighed shaking his head. I could see in his face he wanted to hold me. To kiss my lips to get Lou off my body so I didn’t have to feel his lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth or his hand at the back of my neck but we both knew he couldn’t. Both knew it would get us in too much trouble.

  
“Looks like Johnny is a little whipped,” One of their group said some guy with black greasy hair and a pointed nose that I didn’t know. That made me angry that he knew my name, who I was but I didn’t know him.

  
“Just ignore them,” Pat said, “We’re ok and they can’t touch you. You’re an untouchable.”

  
“What don’t feel like talking about that kiss?” The same guy taunted looking at us, “You kiss everyone like that?”

  
“Who are you?” Pat asked the guy frowning.

  
“My name is Gun,” he said, “How is it I know who you freaks are but you don’t know me?”

  
“We got lucky I guess,” Pat said causing Gun to get angry.

  
“I wouldn’t say that sweetheart. I don’t think you’re lucky at all considering you’re everyone’s butt boy from what I understand,” Gun replied.

  
“No, I’m not,” Pat said, “In fact if you listen to them talk about me I have what they call an obedience problem.”

  
“I wasn’t talking about you,” Gun said, “I was talking about your friend there.”

  
“You don’t have any right to talk to him,” Pat hissed.

  
“I heard he plays real nice,” Gun said, “Is it true?”

  
“Fuck yeah,” Dick said looking at me, “You want to play with him Gun? I’ll hold him down for you.”

  
“You’re not coming near him,” Cole and Tosh hissed in unison.

  
Just then Leo came into the room already wearing his clothes again. I sighed knowing he was there to take me and Dick with him. Dick who had just said he would hold me down so his friend could rape me. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

  
Leo started walking towards us and I nodded my head telling Tosh and Cole to walk away and they did. Pat shook his head at me. Let me know he wasn’t leaving that Leo didn’t scare him. That he wasn’t going to leave me alone with him.

  
“Hey beautiful,” Leo cooed quietly sitting down on the cot next to mine as I sat up propping myself against the wall, “You ok?”

  
“I want to go home,” I answered not looking him in the face.

  
“Home with me or home with your Da?” He asked me.

  
“Home with my Da,” I answered quietly.

  
“Why not home with me?” He asked his eyes never leaving my face even though I wouldn’t meet his gaze.

  
“Because you’re going to…” I trailed off.

  
“No beautiful. I can tell you’re tired that you need some rest so I’m going to take you home. We’ll stop and get any food you want to eat and you just sleep after you get some food ok? I know it’s been a really long day for you,” Leo said, “I don’t want you to worry about anything ok? Just focus on resting. Rich is going to drive us home that way you can sit in the back by yourself and spread out not worry about any of that stuff ok baby?” He said reaching his hand out touching my face making me shiver even as I nodded my head.

  
“Ok, come on let’s go,” he said standing up and holding out a hand for me to grab to help me up, “Dick come on we’re going to go, you get to drive us home.”

  
“Really?” Dick said frowning, “Whatever.”

  
I stood up and walked out giving Pat a sad look as I left. I wanted to go home, home not to Leo’s. I knew Leo would hurt me sooner or later however we got dressed at the front door and neither Dick nor Leo touched me as we went outside and got into the car. Leo told me to put the bag over my head and I did and he allowed Rich to drive us half way back to the house before he pulled over and made Rich put his bag on his head. I didn’t wake up until Leo stopped at a Taco bell telling us we could take our hoods off and order something to eat.

  
At first, I didn’t know what to order having only been to a taco bell a handful of times but ordered a Nacho meal of some kind that Leo handed back to me and told me to wait until we got to the house. When the garage door opened I felt scared not sure he would keep his promise not sure he would leave me alone.

  
“Rich let John shower first ok?” Leo said looking at Dick.

  
“I’ll just go home,” Dick said grabbing his food and then getting out of the car and walking out the garage door while it was still open, “Later dad.”

  
“Yeah later Rich. I love you, ok?” Leo called.

  
“Yeah, I love you too. See you later John,” Rich said smiling at me making me feel sick.

  
Leo hit the garage door button closing it behind him and then grabbed my food, “You going to be ok to get upstairs on your own?”

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“You’re not sore?” He asked me.

  
“I mean I’m a little sore but not so bad I can’t walk up the stairs,” I answered.

  
“Did you have fun?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “You said he wouldn’t do group stuff.”

  
“I said I’d tell him not to do group stuff. That doesn’t mean I could stop him from doing it anyway,” Leo said, “He told me what happened. He said you spent some time with him Lou and Chad?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see me as he unlocked the door into the condo and we both walked inside him shutting and locking the door behind me.

  
“You didn’t like that?” He asked me.

  
“It hurt,” I answered not wanting to think about it. Not wanting to think about Chad on top of me, doing things to me while Lou had sex with him.

  
“What part?” He asked me his curiosity peeking.

  
“All of it,” I answered.

  
“Can you tell me what they did?” He asked.

  
“Do I have to?” I asked as he set the food he was carrying down on the coffee table in the living room.

  
I didn’t want to talk about it but I knew he would push me to. That he would make me talk about it because he wanted me to relive it for him. He wanted me to be upset so he could get off on me telling him about it.

  
Every small detail. I sighed. I didn’t want to do this right now. I was tired and broken and a dirty fucking slut and I didn’t want to think about it.

  
“I think it might make you feel better to talk about it. Maybe you’ll figure out what you didn’t like about it so next time you can tell them not to do that.” Leo commented.

  
“Like they would listen?” I asked bitterly.

  
“No but at least you’d be making your wants known. Instead of just saying no you could say “no don’t tie me up like that” or “No don’t move your tongue that way” they might be more likely to listen to you,” he answered.

  
“I don’t think talking about it will make me feel better,” I answered quietly, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“You should though. You should talk about it. I can help you analyze why you don’t like something maybe and then we can work on it together,” he told me.

  
“What do you mean work on it?” I asked.

  
“Work on getting you to like it,” Leo answered.

  
“I’m never going to like it,” I answered thinking about the things they did to me. Thinking about how my penis seemed to be where most of their attention was drawn at least when it was me and one of them alone and not a group. When it was a group their hands seemed to be all over my body.

  
“Why do you think you’ll never like it?” He asked me.

  
“I hate the way it feels,” I answered, “I hate the way …” I sighed.

  
“The way what baby?” He asked sitting down next to me his hand reaching to cup my cheek making me pull away.

  
“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head a thoughtful look on his face, “Maybe you should shower and then eat and take a nap all right? Maybe you’ll feel like talking about it later?”

  
I nodded my head as he backed away from me. I got up and went into the bathroom shutting the door behind me and turning on the water. I would have sat down if my ass hadn’t of been so sore. If my whole body hadn’t been screaming at me.

  
I ended up taking a quick shower as hot as I could stand it, hoping it would scald my skin off. When I was done I came out just as Leo was pulling my nachos out of the microwave and he set them down for me back on the coffee table handing me the remote.  
“I have some paperwork to do so I’ll be in the office. You can watch whatever you want. When you’re done though I want you to go to bed and get some sleep ok?” Leo said to me.

  
I nodded my head and he walked away. Looking at the menu the time flashed on the tv 11pm. It was late to be eating, it was late to be doing anything especially when I had to be up at 6am to get to mass because I couldn’t miss mass. Attending mass on Sunday was a part of my grade because I went to catholic school and if I missed it unless I was sick with something contagious or dying I had to be there. I ended up eating as I mindlessly watched TV because nothing was on and when I was full I took my nachos and put them in the fridge and then went to the bedroom.

  
I opened my drawer looking for clothes but didn’t find any sweats or anything which meant I had to sleep naked. The thought of Leo crawling in bed with me later making me feel sick to my stomach not wanting to be anywhere near him if I didn’t have clothes on so walked back into the bathroom and grabbed my dirty sweats off the bathroom floor putting them on. I then went into the medicine cabinet and took some Tylenol using my hand to cup water into my mouth from the bathroom sink before I turned off the light and went back into the bedroom climbing into the bed and turning off the light on the side table.

  
I didn’t wake up until the alarm went off the next morning tell Leo and I we had to get ready for mass. Leo was back to back with me, not hugging me or touching me but just laying next to me asleep as well and when we woke up he asked me if I wanted another shower which I did and I took one quickly getting dressed into my school uniform because it was the only church appropriate attire I had with me and I never wore it for long anyway on Sundays to begin with.

  
When we got there everyone was working on filing in and I saw my families Van two heads of bright red hair in a pile of blonds standing next to it while Alice’s butt was sticking out of the back.

  
“Leo? Can I go help Alice?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, go say hi to your sibling’s kiddo. Nothing wrong with that,” Leo said as we both stepped out of the SUV and I ran over to them.

  
“JACK!” I was greeted by Andy.

  
“Hi Andy, what are you up to?” I asked him picking him up as he almost ran out into the street to meet me before giving him a gentle squeeze and setting him back down.

  
“Da said Will is sick so we came without them and he stayed home,” he told me.

  
Or at least I think that’s what he said. Half of it was incoherent babble because he was two, almost 3.

  
“I see,” I said, “Hi Alice. Do you need some help?” I asked her.

  
“Oh yes, dear that would be great,” she told me handing me Mac as she pulled him out of his car seat, “You’re Da said your brother William was sick the morning so your uncle was supposed to meet me here but, I haven’t seen him yet.”

  
“That’s ok,” I answered, “I got it. Did you bring the stroller?” I asked her.

  
“Yes dear. It’s in the trunk if you don’t mind grabbing it for me,” she said.

  
“Ok, Andy can you stand next to Matt and Mike while I get out the stroller for Alice?” I asked him, “Mike can you hold Mac for just a second so he doesn’t go anywhere?”

  
“Ok,” he said taking Mac in his arms as I pulled the 3-child stroller from the trunk unfolding it and making sure it was secure before grabbing Mac back from Mike and putting him in the stroller. I quickly managed to secure him before Alice handed Mary over to me and she smiled giggling at me happily.

  
“Hi pretty girl,” I said giving her a kiss, “And how was your weekend?”

  
“goo,” she mumbled in her little baby voice.

  
“Did she just say good?” I asked Alice.

  
“Yes, she did. She just started saying it yesterday,” Alice said smiling proudly as she got Seamus and shut the van sliding door, “She’s a smart girl. Aren’t you sweetheart?”

  
“Really just yesterday?” I asked her.

  
“Yes, I asked her if she liked her food and she said “good” and has said it every time someone has asked her something since,” Alice said, “I love these kids. Shay still hasn’t said anything other than hi but you know how it goes. Everyone is a little different isn’t that right baby boy?” She said holding him to her before she buckled him into the stroller next to Mac, “If you want to carry her in that would be great that way we can put Andy in the stroller because he likes to run off,” she told me grabbing Andy as I nodded.

  
“Laura dear can you hold onto the stroller as walk inside?” She asked bending down to become eye level with her.

  
“Yes, Auntie Alice,” Laura said quietly smiling at her.

  
“That’s my well-behaved girl,” Alice said smiling back as she grabbed the stroller, “Now everyone please stay out of the street. I don’t want any smooshed kids the morning all right? Follow me.”

  
They lined up behind her like ducklings following their mother as we made our way from the parking space to the church behaving better than I had ever seen them behave James turning around to look at me a couple of times on the way in. I felt like he had something to say to me but I wasn’t sure what it was and didn’t ask until I had helped Alice get settled in.

  
“I’m going to take the stroller out to the lobby you want to help me James?” I asked him to figure that maybe he wanted a moment alone with me.

  
“Yeah, I’ll help,” he said grabbing the stroller as I got behind him helping him push.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Will said he’s hurt really bad,” James told me, “Is it because of Mr. Lord?”

  
“I don’t know bud,” I answered not sure there was anything I could really say to explain it to him only that he knew more than he already should, “He’ll be ok though, it’ll just take a couple of days all right?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Da took him somewhere yesterday morning and they didn’t come back until late.”

  
“I know,” I answered.

  
“Were you there? He said you were there,” James asked me.

  
“I was,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Where were you?” He asked me as I parked the stroller in the stroller area and locked the wheels.

  
I sighed and got down on my knees so I was closer to his level as he looked at me. I didn’t want to tell him where we had been. I didn’t want to expose him to that world until he had to know about it but I didn’t want to lie either. I sighed and quietly answered him, “We were at a house where a lot of Mr. Lord and Da’s friends were. I huh…just know we’re ok now all right bud?”

  
“You would let me know if you weren’t so I could help you right?” He said looking at me sadly.

  
“Let’s not worry about that right now ok?” I said, “Just know I’ll be home tomorrow after school and if you have any questions you want to ask you can ask me then but we shouldn’t talk about this right now ok?”

  
“I don’t understand why we can’t talk about it when it’s all everything ever is besides school,” James said to me frowning.

  
“Because people aren’t supposed to know so we can’t talk about in places they will hear us talking about it,” I answered, “Let’s go to mass ok? I’ll be home tomorrow and like I said we can talk about it then. Did anything good happen this weekend?”

  
“Well, Matt let me play Mario with him because Mike was busy with uncle Ben in the other room so that was fun,” James answered, “But I don’t know. I was worried.”

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head worry hitting me too knowing what had probably happened behind that closed door, “Anything else?”

  
“Catty made me play house for a little while and Andy was our baby,” he answered causing me to laugh.

  
“How did that go?” I asked smiling.

  
“Well, Andy wanted to be the daddy but Catty kept telling him he wasn’t old enough so he had to be the baby and then she told him he could be the big brother instead when he wouldn’t stop crying so her dolly Sarah was the baby instead. He fed the baby like you do and he said he was going to be the best big brother ever and wasn’t bad at it but then later he changed his mind and decided he wanted to be the daddy again so Catty said we would both be Daddy’s and she would be the baby. Which I don’t know why she was allowed to be the baby but anyway we took care of her even though Andy couldn’t carry her and she’s really heavy but she had fun. And then we built a fort out of blankets and hid from…” James looked around to make sure no one was listening, “We hid from Uncle Ben because he was evil.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Did you have fun while hiding?”

  
“I read them a story,” he said, “It was fun.”

  
“Good I’m glad you had fun. Let’s go sit with Alice ok?” I said and he nodded his head smiling at me taking my hand as we walked back to the pew.

  
I kept my eye out for Pat and saw him sitting with our class. I wanted to see him to spend some time with him and make sure our plans to skip were still happening tomorrow but I didn’t want to leave Alice alone with the kids especially if Uncle Ben was coming. So, I sat. I don’t remember what service was about too busy dealing with Mary who was squirming around on my lap trying to play with her own foot. When service was over I helped Alice get everyone ready to leave before I went over to Leo and asked if it was ok that I walk them out and he said yes. Once everyone was in the car Alice stopped looking at me.

  
“You know I’m sorry but there’s not much I can do,” she told me.

  
“I understand,” I answered.

  
“You are a nice young man Johnathan. I’m sorry I said all of those things to you,” she sighed, “At least you care about them. I’ll see you Monday when you come home yes?”

  
“Yes Mam,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“I have a question for you,” she said stopping before she opened the driver side door of the van, “Do you write anything down? Keep a journal?”

  
“I used to but not since we got back,” I answered.

  
“You should start again. Sometimes there are things we can’t tell people no matter how badly we want to. It’s better to get those things out of your head then walk around carrying them. The weight of those things will crush you and sometimes writing them out when we can’t tell anyone about them, it helps. I’ll see you later John,” she said climbing into the Van as I walked back towards the chapel to see Pat standing outside the front door waiting for me.

  
“Hey Rabbit,” he said quietly.

  
“Hi,” I said suddenly feeling shy.

  
Sometimes he just gave me butterflies and I still can’t explain why. I had spent a good deal of Saturday in a room naked with him and around 15 other boys yet, he could still make me feel shy. Still make me wonder what he was going to do next. What he was going to say. His eyes always giving me hope.

  
“You want to walk with me a little bit? Go somewhere and talk?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head looking around figuring I probably had time before Leo figured out I was gone for too long.

  
We started walking back to our spot, “Can I ask you something?” Pat said suddenly making me feel worried, on edge.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“About yesterday,” Pat said, “Listen I know you don’t want to talk about it, I get it but you don’t talk to anyone anymore it seems like. You’ve gone really quiet and I don’t know. I’m worried ok? You’re keeping things from me since you got back and you’ve never done that before.”

  
“I just…I keep wishing it was over. That they weren’t…you know,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “What about yesterday?”

  
“Gun said he heard you play nice and Dick said that you do…were they talking about?” Pat trailed off and I shook my head, “Rabbit, talk to me please. I’m worried. If you don’t talk about it I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself again. Things are getting worse than they were before you left and yet you’re shutting down. You’re shutting everyone out. You can’t do that you’ll break and I can’t have you broken Rabbit please.”

  
“I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about Dick or Leo or the fact that Leo said I had to let Dick,” I wheezed, “Or that they strapped me down with one arm so…” I started shaking.

  
“Ok, Rabbit. It’s ok,” Pat said glancing around quickly to make sure no one was around before he wrapped his arms around me holding me allowing me to bury my face in his shoulder, “You’re ok it’s not happening right now. Right now, you’re safe here with me all right?”

  
“I don’t want to have sex with them,” I said into his shoulder.

  
“I know,” Pat said stroking his hand up and down my back through my shirt, “I know. Not talking about it doesn’t make them stop though it just makes it so you have to deal with it alone. Sometimes talking about how it makes you feel can help you feel better and you try your damnedest not to talk about it at all. Especially since the hospital.”

  
“I won’t go back there,” I said, “I won’t ever go back there.”

  
“You will if you hurt yourself again and not talking about it is going to make you do that,” Pat warned me.

  
“No, you don’t get it I will NEVER go back there again. I will make sure I kill myself before I ever go back there. You don’t understand what it was like there. It was horrible. I couldn’t breathe Pat, they wouldn’t let me breathe every time I was in a room alone one of them…I couldn’t breathe!” I said forcefully.

  
“Ok, it’s ok,” Pat said talking to calm me down, “I’ve been there remember? I know what they can be like. There they are mean. They talk to your Dad to learn the things you hate the most and do them over and over and over until you beg to go home. I remember that.”

  
“Neal bruised me,” I said quietly. Not wanting to tell him where not wanting to go into detail about it. How he had spent the night between my legs sucking on me making me orgasm over and over until it hurt until I couldn’t get hard anymore until my whole body felt like one cramped tense muscle that I couldn’t get to relax.

  
“How?” He asked me quietly.

  
“With his mouth,” I answered trying not to think about it, trying not to remember it.

  
“Oh,” Pat said his eyes going wide for a moment nodding his head in understanding, “I’m sorry that happened.”

  
“I begged Leo to let me leave after that, let me go to his house. I knew what I was asking for what I was agreeing to him, to let him…but I couldn’t take being there anymore. I couldn’t take them doing those things to me anymore,” I said, “And now I’m stuck with Leo and he’s… there is something wrong with him. He pretends to be nice and then he’s not. And he makes me tell him everything. He makes me talk about Da and Hank and everyone else and I hate it.”

  
“He makes you talk about stuff like in detail?” Pat asked me still rubbing his hand along my back.

  
“Yeah,” I said quietly nodding my head trying to calm myself down to keep myself from crying.

  
“That’s why you don’t want to tell me things anymore?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Every time he makes me talk about them I think about them. He makes me think about every little thing. Like the ice cream, the way he tasted like ice cream the first time he…,” I shook my head, “I don’t want to think about those things. I don’t want to think about the way those things make me feel. How dirty they make me feel, how gross,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Pat said, “There’s something else though too. Cole said something about my Dad that my Dad has been talking about Malachy a lot. Bad stuff. You won’t talk to me about that because it’s about him, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I mean he’s still you’re Dad. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about how he wants to …Mac is only almost 2. He’s literally a baby Pat. Like in every sense of the word and your Dad is thinking of him like that? That can’t make you feel good.”

  
“No, it doesn’t but you have to understand he used to hurt me really bad when I was little too. Ok? I don’t know if you know this but he used to keep me from eating because he didn’t want me to make a mess when he rubbed himself on me. He didn’t rape me, rape me until I was like 8 or 9 but he used to touch me and rub himself against my butt and all of these other horrible things that someone shouldn’t do to a four-year-old little boy and he did them. He’s an evil man and I know that he is. I won’t get upset at you for discussing how sick he is with me. I know it’s embarrassing for you some of the stuff he’s done to you but I won’t think any less of you because he did it. I won’t think that there is anything wrong with you or be mad at you for calling him every name in the book because my dad is a pig ok? He deserves to be burned to death slowly in my personal opinion. I don’t love him in anyway and I’m not longer afraid of him but I fucking hate him.” Pat told me.

  
“Having to relive that though, having to think about that wouldn’t it upset you?” I asked.

  
“Honestly I avoid thinking about it as much as possible and when I do think about it for some reason I don’t feel anything. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my brains way of protecting myself, of dealing with it. Maybe you haven’t gotten to that point yet but when I think of different things ones that I can actually clearly remember it’s like watching a horror movie. I don’t really, I don’t know,” Pat answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“How?” I asked.

  
I wondered why it was he didn’t feel anything about it. How he could go through life not feeling anything about it even when recalling details of it. Was it because it had been happening to him as long as he could remember or was it because he was so angry he was just numb to how badly it hurt him and so he was in survival mode or what? I wasn’t sure but I wished desperately I could do that, that I didn’t have to feel or relive things every time I thought of them.

  
“I don’t know,” he answered, “He’s been doing it for a long time. Maybe he beat the connection right out of me? He was violent Rabbit, he was very violent. He would choke me and beat me with paddles and whips and sodomize me with vibrators and he was just nasty. He’s still a nasty person. I can tell you one time he caught me trying to find clothes because he had friends coming over and I didn’t want to be naked in front of them because well you know the type of people he hangs out with. When I grabbed a blanket, he broke two of my fingers on each hand and then tied me to a chair he made me watch him and his friends have an orgie and then let them take turns doing things to me and I was six. One of them was a kid probably around our age and I watched him cry as they made him do things to me because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hurt me and I …out of the whole thing that’s the only part I really have any emotion connected to is how badly I wanted that kid to not hate himself because they were making him hurt me and I knew that he hated himself for having to do it.”

  
“I can understand that,” I said, “They made me cum in Will’s face and I felt…I thought he would hate me for it and I hated myself for not being able to control it, to make it not happen.”

  
“Will is smart. Will doesn’t hate you for anything. Will gets it. If anyone can understand you it’s him,” Pat assured me.

  
“What I don’t understand is how guys that are like us can want to do that to someone. Can enjoy it,” I said, “How can you enjoy someone under you screaming, fighting begging you to stop like I…like I begged Dick and yet still do it anyway.”

  
“I wish I had an answer to that but I don’t,” Pat said, “Is that what he did to you?”

  
I nodded my head, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Not wanting to admit Dick had done that to me, had forced his way inside of me, made me do things. How he had kissed me and made me kiss back, how he had blown me stealing my breath and making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“They like to go down on me,” I said not able to look Pat in the face, “I hate it. I want to cut it off because if I don’t have a dick they can’t shove in their mouths and make me feel like that.”

  
Pat’s eyes went wide with horror, “Rabbit you don’t mean that do you? You can’t do that to yourself ok? They will put you back in the hospital they will make sure you…”

  
“I know. I’m saying I want to not that I will,” I answered, “My body does things I don’t want it to do when they do that.”

  
“And that is exactly why they do it,” Pat told me, “Because we can’t control how our bodies respond to that. They do it to me too. Why do you think I’m ok that you never wanted to go further than we did? Because I know what it feels like to have someone, someone you don’t want to do those things and not being able to get them to stop. Whatever you are ok with if we ever get into that again is what I’m ok with and whatever you aren’t ok with will never happen. Not with me I swear to you Rabbit, I love you. I respect you and I will do anything for you. You understand?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head wiping at my eyes vigorously drying my tears.

  
Pat leaned his forehead against mine and I grabbed the back of his neck lightly. I could tell he was being honest. That he would never hurt me. That he would go out of his way to make sure he never hurt me. I kissed him quickly on the lips a light peck to make sure Leo couldn’t smell him on me even though I was sure Leo would know that I had snuck away with him anyway, “I trust you. I love you.” I said nodding my head.

  
“Ok good. Let’s get you back before he gets mad ok?” Pat said and I nodded my head starting to walk back towards the chapel back towards Leo and whatever it was he would want me to do when he took me back to his house.

  
He made sure he didn’t hold my hand as we walked back towards the front door even though I desperately wanted him to as I wasn’t ready to let him go, for his body to lose contact with mine. Contact that comforted me and made me feel like I was human and not some toy for people to use and throw away. I sighed when we got to the door knowing I wouldn’t see him against until the next morning. Knowing that I was Leo’s again, that I belonged to him and whomever he wanted to share me with as we stepped back inside the church.

  
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked quietly.

  
“Yeah our plans still on?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head as we walked back into the chapel him looking for Hank while I looked for Leo. When I saw him, I went over to him, standing next to him. He was standing next to Lou and Tanner who were talking quietly with him.

  
“There’s the handsome boy we’ve been talking about,” Lou said spotting me first.

  
“There you are. Where were you?” Leo asked me.

  
“Helping Alice get everyone loaded up to go home,” I answered, not really lying but not telling the truth either.

  
“Well, apparently Lou here saw a video Tony is putting together staring you and another young man. He said it’s very good work,” Leo said making me shudder a cold shock zapping me up the back of my spine.

  
“You remember?” He asked me.

  
How could I forget? What Lou did to me yesterday and what Dobbs did to me. What they had let Chad and Dick do to me. I exhaled my lip starting to tremble.

  
“Oh, it’s ok John. You’re all right,” Leo said quietly, “They said you did really good. That you were really good.”

  
“I—I,” I made a whimpering sound, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“We’ll talk about it later ok?” Leo said looking at me trying to act nice, “He just wanted you to know you did a good job ok?”

  
I nodded my head trying to stop myself from crying. I didn’t want to think about how much it had hurt, the things they had made me do. The way Dick had forced me to do things. Like how Leo forced me to do things.

  
“Well, he’s jumpy now so I think I should probably take him home,” Leo said putting a hand on my shoulder turning around a guiding me away, “It’s ok.”

  
He took me to the SUV and we got in him not wasting time getting into the driver’s seat after I was in the car. I sighed. I didn’t want to be this close to him not after he talked about that with someone and I knew he wanted me to talk about what had happened. How his own son had raped me.

  
“You want to stop anywhere for food?” He asked me.

  
“No thanks. I’m not hungry right now,” I answered wiping at my eyes trying to keep myself from crying.

  
“Why are you upset baby?” He asked me glancing over as he started pulling out of the parking lot his hand going to me knee making me whimper again wanting to pull away but knowing better. Knowing that I couldn’t fight because if I did he would get angry and his anger was the kind that could kill. That could hurt.

  
“I didn’t want you to know about that,” I answered.

  
“Why? Were you afraid I’d be jealous? I won’t I promise. Why don’t you tell me about it?” He coaxed.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said quietly.

  
“But I’d love to hear about it. Lou said you treated Rich really nice. That you were good to him. Why don’t you tell me about it?” He said again. “What was it like?”

  
“Scary,” I answered quietly after a minute.

  
“Why? Was Rich mean to you?” Leo asked, “Because according to Lou on the video he was very nice. He didn’t hit you or anything why don’t you tell me what he did do that was so scary.”

  
“He had Simms tie me down by my one wrists and he…” I shook my head as Leo started petting my leg moving his hand up and down my thigh.

  
“Keep going. I’m listening,” he said.

  
“He did things to me,” I answered, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Talking about it might make you feel better. Get it off your chest, did he suck you? Make you feel nice?” He asked me making me tense, “Rich was always good at that as a little boy. He knew exactly how to use his tongue. I bet he still does. I mean after he got past a certain age and I had other playmates to choose from we weren’t together so much because it just felt weird being my own son so…but he was always good at that.”

  
“Please don’t make me talk about it,” I begged, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Well I want to hear about it so tell me,” he said, “Unless you want to make another video for my friends of course.”

  
“No,” I whimpered, “Please.” I started crying. I couldn’t help myself.

  
“Just tell me about it then. Tell me what happened, come on baby,” Leo said.

  
“He grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck, he…” I started feeling like I was having an anxiety attack wiggling my foot and gripping the door handle so I didn’t pull away from him. His hand still traveling up and down my thigh, “He said he wanted to make me moan. He told me it was ok. That I was ok that he would make me feel good and he pushed me onto the bed. He made me lay on my back so he could look at me. I didn’t want to so I started pushing at him trying to get him to stop. I begged him and he wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t stop,” I kept wheezing like a broken record, “he wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t stop.”

  
Leo must have pulled over the car without me realizing it because before I knew it he was undoing my seat belt and grabbing me pulling me over the console and pulling me into his chest, holding me there the best he could rocking me, “You’re ok. You did good. You were a good boy. There’s nothing to be upset about ok? You did great. Lou told me you did great and I believe him all right? I’m not upset with you, you didn’t do anything wrong. You did good. You’re a good boy baby, you did really good.”

  
I couldn’t stop shaking and crying my whole mind reliving everything Dick had done to me, had forced me to do. How he had let them restrain me just enough to make it easier to overpower me so he could do those things to me. So, he could put his lips and tongue against my skin in places it shouldn’t have been. So, he could be inside me bumping against my prostate making my whole body freeze up that electric cold fire shooting up into my body.

  
I wanted to pull away but at the same time I wanted comfort. I didn’t want to have to feel the ghost of that memory on my skin anymore the way my whole body tingled. Even now after all the rapes I’ve been through it’s hard to describe what it feels like to have a dick up your ass, how it hurts and sometimes can feel good all at once. How the pressure builds up in your pelvis burning and stinging as they move in and out of you. Your body trying to rebel yet trying to accept the intrusion all at once.

  
“It’s ok,” Leo kept cooing to me.

  
“If I’m so good why don’t they listen to me?” I asked, “I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to put his mouth there and he did and he pushed inside of me and he wouldn’t stop.”

  
“They don’t listen to you baby because you’re young. You don’t know what’s best for you and we do ok? We know what you need. You just need to trust us,” he said, “Dick was just being told what he should do and he was doing it just like you ok? He might have enjoyed it a little bit more than you did but he was just doing what he was told to do.”

  
“I didn’t want him to,” I said again shaking my head.

  
“I know but I bet it felt good, right? I bet he made you cum nice and hard,” he said making me freeze, making me pull away, “He did, didn’t he? Made you melt a little bit? Made your eyes roll and made you pant?” He asked me his voice low sounding excited, aroused.

  
“Please Leo? I really don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.

  
“Ok, I’ll take us home, all right?” Leo said looking at me, “Maybe you just need some sleep?”

  
“Yeah maybe,” I said nodding my head starting to calm down now that he wasn’t making me talk about it, think about it.


	28. 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending time at the Villa he goes back to school. He gets to spend some alone time with Pat who has noticed he's really struggling right now and deals with Dick and his taunting. Leo discovers something and takes matters into his own hands, so to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 534 to 550. Not a lot of interaction with people outside of his friends and Leo for this. You have 586 pages until the end of part two. Sounds exciting huh? **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced rimming, underage, rape, swearing, bullying, underage consensual kissing/making out, talk of rape, talk of child sexual abuse.** Things are starting to get darker. You're probably thinking "how can this get any darker?" Trust me it can and it does. John's teen years from like 14 to 16 aren't that great trust me on this. Once you think things finally start getting better they really don't. For him or for anyone because as John reaches 14 Will is reaching 12 and you know what happened when John turned 12. Oh yes and that means everyone else is getting older as well. The year after John turns 14 (you'll know when this happens trust me) it means everyone else is getting ready to turn Mary/Seamus have just turned 1, Mac has just turned 2 and Laura and Andy just turned 3. Cat is getting ready to turn 6 and James just turned 7 and Mike and Matt are turning 10 over the summer. So yeah... just not a good time for just about anyone if you've been following all the little plot bunnies. If you keep sticking around though eventually things get better I promise. Thanks for reading! I love comments. I try to respond.

The rest of the ride back to his house was silent. He didn’t touch me or make me touch him. When we got back and he allowed me to eat whatever I wanted out of the fridge which wasn’t much because I wasn’t hungry but I did eat a sandwich. He then told me to settle down and just try to relax while he did more paperwork. I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. I felt fine for the first time in about two days. When I was awake again watching TV he came into the room shirtless looking tired.

  
When he sat down on the bed instead of sitting next to me on his side he sat down on the foot of the bed looking at me. I knew something was wrong the look in his eyes. He took the remote from beside me and turned off the TV.

  
“You’re ok, this is about you ok?” He said.

  
“What?” I asked my head going fuzzy, my stomach dropping.

  
“I’m just going to make you feel good,” he said rubbing my calves through the blanket, “Help you relax.”

  
“I don’t need to relax,” I said shaking my head slightly.

  
“Yes, you do. You’re so tense baby,” he said climbing up my legs carefully straddling me which wasn’t that hard because I was already mostly laying down, “You want to turn over onto your stomach for me? I’ll give you a back massage.”

  
“Just a back massage?” I asked and he nodded his head at me smiling and kissed my forehead.

  
While I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of him touching me I could deal with a back massage. I could deal with him doing that as long as he didn’t do anything else so I sighed nodding my head.

  
“Ok,” I said as he moved to sit beside me and I started to roll over.

  
“Take off your clothes,” he said noting the sweat pants I was wearing.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Well, I have massage oil here and I don’t want to get on your pants, it would stain so…I’d rather just be more careful with it. You understand I’m sure,” he said and I sighed nodding my head knowing I wasn’t allowed to argue or resist hoping that he would just give me a neck and back rub and that would be it.

  
I stood up and took off my pants laying down on my stomach as he straddled me rubbing something cold on my back as I closed my eyes trying to breathe normally, trying to relax. I didn’t trust him but I tried to make sure I kept my body relaxed and I thought I was doing well until he leaned his weight on top of me slightly kissing my shoulders and then his hands went to my ass causing me to tense as he moved sliding down so he was sitting on my calves.

  
“You’re ok,” he said feeling my body go taunt, “I’m just going to make you feel good. Can you put your butt in the air for me baby?” He said kissing the top of my tail bone right above my ass crack.

  
“Are you going to make me?” I asked him.

  
“You know I don’t like fighting. Do it before I get angry. I’m not going to hurt you I promise. I’m just going to make you feel good ok?” He said.

  
I sighed and got on my knees and elbows on the bed swallowing trying to keep myself calm as his hands grabbed my hips shifting me and he licked down my spine making me gasps when his tongue hit my hole circling it, making me moan as my body started to become aroused. He rimmed me his tongue dipping in and out and then his hand reached under me grabbing me starting to give me a reach around making me bite the pillow I was hugging trying to keep myself silent.

  
He made me climax. Licking it off his hand as he got up, “You taste so sweet baby,” he said making a show of it as I tried to ignore it.

  
“Are we done?” I asked him.

  
“Hey!” he said angrily, “I just made you feel good. I didn’t go inside you. I didn’t make you get me off too and that’s how you thank me by asking if we’re done? You’re lucky I don’t fucking fist you right now.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I answered, “Thank you for making me feel good. I’m just tired.”

  
“Ok, we’ll go to sleep. I forgive you baby,” Leo said turning off the light and spooning with me, “I love you. I just wanted you to feel good ok baby?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head in the dark. Then because I knew he wanted to hear it; that it would probably make him leave me alone just like it did my Da, “I love you too.”

  
I did end up falling asleep but woke up in the middle of the night several times to throw up my body on over drive. But Leo never woke up. He didn’t wake up until the alarm went off telling us it was time I got ready for school. He didn’t ask me to tell him anything about what had happened between Dick and I or to recall anything from Saturday and he didn’t wait to watch me walk towards the school before he drove away. I walked over to our spot finding Dom, Tosh and Pat and Cole already there along with Alec which confused me.

  
“What the fuck?” I asked looking at Alec.

  
“John listen to me, I only hang out with him so he doesn’t do shit to me. He forces me to hang out with him otherwise he would treat me the same way he treats Dom,” Alec said, “I don’t like him. I have to hang out with him to protect my ass because I don’t want to get fucked all right? I think he’s sick. I think they are all sick.”

  
“I don’t fucking care!” I practically screamed, “You have no idea what I went through! I don’t give a fuck! What exactly you think you’re sorry for I don’t care. I don’t want to see your face. Not if you hang out with them. You don’t know what they did.”

  
“So, then Dick did do something?” Dom asked me quietly as Cole and Tosh stared at me mouths open.

  
“I don’t care that you feel sorry for me Alec. I honestly don’t care as long as you hang out with them I don’t want you near me.” I hissed.

  
“You think I want to hear about the stuff they tell me? They brag John! I don’t want to hear about that. I don’t want to hear about how you screamed. I don’t want to hear about how you squirmed and begged them to stop. Just like I didn’t want to hear about how Chad and Dom shared their first kiss. Or how Chad was going to get into his pants one way or another and when Dom took too long you know what Chad did? He held him down. I was fucking 12 when I heard about that ok? And I was being raped by my Dad every night. I had to listen to Chad tell me how good it felt to make someone bleed to hear them yell and then told he would do the same to me if I didn’t hang around if I didn’t keep his secrets. You think my life with them is easy? You think I wanted to know…” Alec quit talking.

  
“Wanted to know what?” I spat.

  
“I’m not going to say that in front of everyone ok?” Alec said, “You can’t make me say that in front of everyone. You might be mad at me for hanging out with them but I won’t do that to you.”

  
“Do what?” Dom asked.

  
“They’re going to know soon enough. It’s on fucking camera. At least I think it is,” I said starting to calm down.

  
“The fuck?” Cole barely managed to utter his eyes wide in shock, “Ok what are you two talking about?”

  
“Dick said him and John made a movie together,” Alec answered them, “And Dom well, I’m not sure if it’s my place to be saying any of this.”

  
“I dated Chad ok? He was 14 I was 11. I was just kind of looking for someone who was nice to me and he was until I wouldn’t let him…that’s why I don’t have sex anymore. Like I know you guys use it to get the feeling of them off your skin. I get the appeal, I do but I’ve had too many people push me after I thought I could trust them,” Dom answered, “He’s one of them. I shouldn’t have been messing around with him anyway so I probably deserved it but I felt stupid and he constantly wants to…sometimes he forces me to.”

  
“Fuck no! You didn’t deserve that for trusting him ok? Nothing gives anyone the right to do that to you ever guys come on!” Pat said, “We don’t deserve this all right? Nothing we can do is bad enough to deserve this. Both you and John need to realize that we didn’t do anything. Not a damn thing and they are sick ok? They are nasty people that we should all just try and stay away from as much as possible.”

  
“Did you know Alec?” Cole asked looking at Alec shaking his head, “Know that he makes Dom?”

  
“I mean I’ve never…I’m not into that but he brags about it sometimes,” Alec answered, “You know I’m not ok with it right Dom?”

  
“I know,” Dom answered nodding his head.

  
“Are you mad at me for not stopping him?” Alec asked.

  
“No,” Dom said, “I …can we not talk about this?” He asked, “So John, Dick made you have sex with him?”

  
I felt my face heat up. I didn’t want people to know about that. I didn’t want to talk about it especially in front of everyone.

  
“Dom, you know how he is. Don’t ask him that please,” Pat said frowning.

  
Dom sighed, “Sorry John, just you know what…I’m sorry.”

  
I nodded my head not looking him in the eyes. How many people knew? How many people had Dick told even though he had told me if I said anything he would kill me? I felt sick to my stomach.

  
“Come on Rabbit, ok?” Pat said grabbing my hand and squeezing, “Let’s go.”

  
“Go where?” Cole asked.

  
“Cole he’s been having a very hard time lately ok?” Pat said, “I’m going to take him away for a little bit all right? Please don’t be mad and don’t tell. And no, you guys can’t come, not this time all right?”

  
“I get it,” Cole said, “You can talk to me if you need to anytime John. You know that, right?”

  
“I know I just, it’s hard,” I answered, “I know you guys care about me I just…I don’t like talking about it because it’s not going anywhere. It’s all that I am you guys understand that, right?”

  
“No John that’s not all that you are,” Cole said, “You’re funny and smart and you’re a little shy sometimes but you can make the best jokes. Even if we’re all perverts because of what we go through. You’re just awesome to hang out with. We understand how badly it hurts. We get how you feel but that’s not all you are. Just like everyone else, we’re all something different. Something more.”

  
“I don’t feel like anything more. Half the time all I feel is numb, dead. Or I feel them and I’d rather not,” I answered.

  
“Ok, Rabbit, let’s go,” Pat said pulling on my arm, “before the bell rings all right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Maybe you just need time away from them. You’re surrounded by them all the time. I mean even Pat and I get time away from them but you. You’re like trapped with one of them almost every second even at school,” Cole said, “Go hang out all right?”

  
“Ok,” Pat said, “Come on Rabbit.”

  
“Thank you,” I said looking at all of them, “I’m sorry Alec I just, yesterday was hard for me.”

  
“I understand. I forgive you and I’m sorry,” Alec said.

  
Pat and I waited and then quickly darted away before the bell rang running along the back of the building and into the woods, past the baseball field and onto the walking trail. We walked for about 20 minutes holding hands the whole way before the house came into the view. The bird watching station that was up high and you needed to climb a ladder to get into he pulled my hand to his lips kissing it, giving it a tiny peck.

  
“You go first I’m right behind you,” he said nodding his head telling me to climb up. I did and he was right behind me. Waiting until I was far enough up before he got on the ladder himself and when we got through the door he hugged me, “Are you ok?”  
“Just tired lately,” I answered nodding my head, “Really tired. I have trouble sleeping at Leo’s he…I have to share a bed with him and sometimes he holds me. It makes it harder to sleep. Harder to relax.”

  
“Rabbit, you never relax. I mean at Leo’s you have Leo and sometimes Dick to worry about apparently and at home you have your Dad and Uncle Ben. At school you have our teachers. You never get to relax. That’s why I brought you here in hopes you’ll be able to get some sleep.” Pat told me.

  
“You brought me here to sleep?” I asked as he rubbed my back.

  
“Yeah, just me and you. I’ll hold you and talk to you until you fall asleep and then maybe you’ll be able to get a couple of hours and you’ll feel a little better ok?” Pat said kissing my forehead gently.

  
“How do you know I need more sleep?” I asked.

  
“Well, if I couldn’t escape like when I was little, if I had no room to just relax and be an idiot with Cole and Tosh; and Dom when he wants to come I’d go crazy. I’d be beyond tightly wound and right now that’s you. Between having your weekends taken from you and at least two teachers at school that have a thing for you. You don’t have any room to chill. I know when you go over to Leo’s you don’t get away from him. I have never been with Leo and don’t ever plan to be with Leo but I’m assuming he’s very much like your Da. Who is someone I have been with one on one before and he’s not a nice guy. He fucks with your head so your head, your whole being has to be beyond exhausted. So yeah, we came here so you could take a break. Just me and you,” he said pulling off his blazer vest and dress shirt laying them down on the floor and then patting them as he sat down beside them.

  
“Come on, lay down,” he said.

  
I sighed. He was right I was beyond tired. I never had a chance to talk to anyone besides in places where I didn’t feel safe so I never really relaxed. My room didn’t even feel like my own room anymore because Da had changed everything about it while I was in the hospital. I just wanted to feel safe. I pulled off my clothes so I was in just my undershirt and trousers and laid on top of the clothing pile we had made resting my face against the warm but thin fabric of his undershirt as he wrapped his arm around me rubbing my shoulder.

  
“You’re safe ok? Just close your eyes,” he said and I kissed his hand nodding my head. I tried to relax into him, trying to let myself feel safe for the first time since I had gotten out of the hospital. I closed my eyes and he started whispering still rubbing my shoulders. At first, I thought he was talking but then he cleared his throat and I heard him singing a song I didn’t know.

  
“I am colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,  
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied  
Stutter shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,  
I am fine…”

  
I curled into him listening to his soft croon. He was a really good singer and it always calmed me down. That’s probably the reason why when he felt like he couldn’t get me to settle in he used to hum or whistle or whisper a song in my ear. But rarely did he sing loud enough for anyone but me to hear him. However, this was one of the moments where he was singing for me and we were alone. I remember slowly relaxing as Pat sang quietly several different songs one being Journey don’t stop believing and a couple from queen along with some new ones I didn’t know that well like Savage Garden and Tool.

  
After a while I did fall asleep. I don’t know how long it was that I slept but I remember dreaming of the beach. Of sitting on the shoreline in the surf watching the waves. I remember feeling the water lapping against my feet and jeans looking over and seeing him standing there. He was smiling laughing and then he grabbed my hands and pulled me up and we started running. Suddenly the sky growing dark a storm starting to pull in as we ran and then I woke up for some reason. Maybe Pat moved in his sleep or I heard something but I opened my eyes and sat up stretching.

  
“Hey, Rabbit,” Pat said smiling, “You get some real sleep?”

  
I nodded my head, “Yeah. I still feel tired though.”

  
“I’m sure you are. Are you feeling a little better though?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head snuggling against him before climbing on top of him, “A lot better. Thank you.”

  
“Really?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said kissing his lips making his eyes go wide in surprise, “What?

  
“Just wasn’t expecting that and we shouldn’t. You know we shouldn’t,” he answered.

  
“Is it wrong that I want to?” I asked him, “That I want to touch you?”

  
“No, it’s not wrong. I would love to have you touch me but, we’re both contracted so that means no touching,” he said holding me by the waist.

  
“But I want to. I want to feel you against my skin. I don’t want…I don’t like Leo,” I said.

  
“I know Rabbit. Trust me I get it I do but, we shouldn’t. We get caught we’re going to end up dead. I don’t want you dead. Not ever,” he said quietly.

  
“Please Babe? Just once. I’d rather be dead then have him…I don’t want to do that again,” I said closing my eyes trying to keep myself calm.

  
“Ok Rabbit, but we can’t. There are so many things that if we live we can do to make sure this stops, that they stop. Don’t you want to stop them?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Your Dad wants to rape Mac.”

  
Pat sighed looking at me running a hand through his black hair that went down past his ears. He looked at me sadly, “I know he does. But we can keep that from happening if we stay alive because he won’t do it anytime soon. Even my Dad thinks he’s too little ok? If we can stay alive. If we are good and don’t get caught doing this, we can probably keep him safe. At least for longer if we don’t die. No matter how badly I want to do things with you right now we can’t, we shouldn’t.

  
“Can we make out just little bit?” I asked him.

  
He smiled at me widely, “Maybe just a little. If you’re ok with it.”

  
“Of course, I’m ok with it. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.

  
“Because I know there are things you aren’t ok with. And sometimes Rabbit,” Pat sighed, “Sometimes you don’t want to be touched at all. So, before I touch you I want to make sure you’re ok with it because I never want to hurt you. Not ever.”

  
“I’m ok with it. I just don’t like it when…I just get nervous thinking about it. About you going…” I stammered feeling my face go red.

  
“I would never do that unless you told me it was ok. Unless you made it 1000% clear you wanted me to. I know you like doing that to me but I know it’s something they like doing. Especially to you which I don’t really understand but…I could never knowingly make you do something like that ok? Never. You remember that time?”

  
“Yeah. You refused to so they grabbed you and they did it instead?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I could never do that to you. Not ever,” Pat said.

  
“You know why they like to…do that?” I asked, “It’s because they say I…I’m sweet. That I taste…,” I felt my breath catch in my throat.

  
“Rabbit, it’s ok. You’re safe right now. You don’t have to think about any of that all right? None of that,” Pat said as I closed my eyes and he leaned forward pressing a peck against my collar bone, “You’re safe. They aren’t here and I don’t care what they say. I will never do anything like that without permission, not ever. They could never force me to do that. I would rather get my arm chopped off then hurt you like that ok?”

  
“I believe you,” I said before leaning forward kissing him.

  
He allowed my tongue in his mouth gliding over his bottom lip as we kissed. He moaned into my mouth as his hands wandered under my wife beater his hands against my skin warming me, making me feel safe and my heart flutter in a good way. Before I realized it, we had rolled. Me allowing him to straddle me instead, his lips moving to my neck his hands brushing up and down the bare skin of my back.

  
It felt so good. So, warm and safe. My body relaxing under his touch, feeling good and happy. We just kissed like that for a while. Him settling between my legs on his knees kissing me and me kissing back. My hands wandered his skin until we broke apart breathless knowing that if we didn’t stop we would go farther. Do things that we shouldn’t do, that we couldn’t do without risking our lives.

  
He broke apart from me sitting next to me sighing happily. His whole body relaxed as he put his arm back around my shoulder. I loved the way he smelt, the way I could still feel his fingers on my skin even though he was barely touching me now. How happy he made me, how safe and special. After a minute Pat sighed checking his watch.

  
“It’s nearly 2. We have to walk back so we can catch the bus,” he told me, “Are you going to be ok with that?”

  
“With what? Dealing with Dick? Listening to him tell you what…as ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered.

  
“He says anything and I will break his fucking jaw,” Pat warned me, “I don’t want to hear what he has to say about it. You didn’t want it. I don’t care if you moaned or gasped or whatever. I know you didn’t want it.”

  
“He had this one guy chain up one of my arms. He let me scream and tell him no, fight him. It wasn’t fair because I couldn’t really push him off of me, push him back. He wasn’t very nice. He said he would be but he wasn’t. They never are.” I told him, “He made me kiss him.”

  
Pat sighed, “I’m sorry Rabbit. I’m really sorry. You know it’s not your fault, right? That you didn’t ask for it.”

  
“I just, I feel like I didn’t try hard enough. I even pleaded with Tony to let me go, to not let Dick do that. But I couldn’t fight back hard enough. I even tried to scratch him and it didn’t work. He … I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I said wrapping my arms around myself noticing I was shaking.

  
“It’s not your fault. You tried. You did everything you could ok? Dick is older than we are. He’s stronger and he had someone tie you up to make it that much easier to do things to you. I know you didn’t want to and that you never would, just like with all of them. I know you especially didn’t want it taped.” Pat said hugging me again.

  
“Yeah, I hate that they tape me. They share it on a website you know? So, everyone can see it. That’s how Leo found me. That’s why he wanted me. He told me that himself,” I confided in Pat.

  
“That must be horrible, knowing that other people get to see it all the time,” Pat said, “I mean I knew about the website. I know I have videos on it too but, it’s still scary to think that so many of them like watching you, like hurting you.”

  
“I just want to be able to get away from them for a while,” I said, “Thank you for taking me away even if it was only for a little bit.”

  
“You don’t have to thank me Rabbit I love you,” Pat told me hugging me tightly before letting me go and standing up, “Come on we have to go, all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as Pat kissed me quickly and then started down the ladder.

  
It didn’t take us long to get back and we made it just as everyone was filing out to the buses and we climbed on. Cole, Tosh and Dom already there who waved us over to our seat, “So did you guys have a good day?” Cole asked us quietly.

  
“Yeah, it was fun,” Pat said smiling.

  
“Wait did you two…?” Dom asked looking at us.

  
“No,” Pat said, “That would end with us dead so no. He napped and I did school reading but it was a nice break.”

  
“You sure? Because John looks rather pleased. Like he’s feeling a lot better,” Cole said smiling.

  
“Yeah that’s because I got some sleep you jackass,” I said laughing.

  
“Oh, he is feeling better,” Dom said, “I’m sure you got lots of sleep.”

  
“No for real!” I scoffed, “Sleep doesn’t always mean having someone’s hand on your dick you know?”

  
“Yeah, I’m just messing with you,” Dom said shaking his head as his face fell and I felt someone slide into the seat in front of Pat and I causing us both to turn around.

  
“Hi,” Dick said, “You want to hear what I did this weekend Pat?

  
“You say anything and I will kick your ass,” Pat hissed.

  
“Really? I’d like to see that speaking of ass John here has a really ni…” Pat punched Dick hard against the side of his face.

  
“HEY! YOU HERE NOW!” The bus driver hissed at Pat and Pat sighed and rolled his eyes.

  
“Hopefully I’ll be back,” Pat said getting up and leaving me there.

  
“Hey, come sit by me,” Dom said motioning for me to cross over to the other side of the bus and sit next to him.

  
“No, you want to sit with me don’t you John? Or do you want everyone to know how sw…”

  
I slammed my hands over my ears not wanting to hear him say that to them. Not wanting them to know. I felt sick to my stomach. I hated people knowing things about my body, things I couldn’t control.

  
I heard someone shout over my hands and looked up all three of them looking at Dick angry and I sighed taking my hands off of my ears so I could hear what they were saying.

  
“You’re some type of freak you know that?” Tosh hissed as Dom climbed into the seat next to me.

  
“You’re ok, come on. Come sit with me,” Dom said grabbing my hand pulling me across the aisle and into the seat next to him, “We’re all ignoring him ok? You need to try to ignore him too.”

  
“How, when he just told everyone?” I said feeling like I could barely breathe.

  
“He just said you were sweet John, he didn’t get detailed,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah, but you all know what he meant,” I said.

  
“Only because it’s something some of us have over heard them talk about ok?” Dom said, “Just try and ignore him. Look here comes Pat.”

  
I looked up and Pat was walking back towards us, “Dick I’m sorry I hit you in the face,” he said loud enough for the bus driver to hear and then added quietly, “No matter how much you deserve it for being a sick fuck just like your Dad.”

  
“Yeah,” Dick said smiling.

  
The rest of the week happened without incident. My Da didn’t ask to share my bed and by Wednesday Will was ready to go back to school. I helped everyone with homework and spent a lot of time playing with the babies. The weekend was the same as the weekend before besides there was no Villa party just Leo doing the things Leo did to me.

  
Pat had been right my lack of sleep, being unable to relax enough to get real sleep was affecting me more than I was aware of. I was constantly tense afraid, scared and angry. I didn’t want to talk about anything and when I did talk it wasn’t to say anything important to get anything off my chest. Before I knew it, everything had become routine and it was past Halloween. Andy and Laura’s third birthday approaching fast only being two days away. I was tired after having gone to Mass falling asleep in the car on the way back to Leo’s house when his hand started sliding up my thigh startling me awake.

  
“You’re all right baby,” he said continuing to pet my leg, “Just wanted to wake you up before we got home. You can nap later all right?”

  
I nodded my head, “Ok. Are you going to make me…?” I trailed off looking at him.

  
“Well, I’m not sure but I wanted to spend some time with you. You’ve been working on a big paper and I thought I’d been giving you some space,” he said to me.

  
“You have I just…I thought you had paperwork to do,” I asked.

  
“I thought I would but I finished it all last night after you went to sleep,” he told me.

  
“Oh,” I answered, “You’re not going to get out the rods, are you?”

  
He had been using them regularly for a while and I still disliked them. The intense orgasms they caused ripping through my body like a shark tearing through the flesh of its prey. I hated it. I also hated him on top of me, but at least when he was inside me I could mostly ignore him until he started hitting against my prostate but when he used those rods ignoring him was impossible.

  
“You look nervous. Did you not enjoy playtime yesterday? Because you acted like you did,” he said moving his hand from my thigh to my neck and shoulder rubbing, caressing. He pulled into the garage allowing it to close behind us before he nodded at me telling me I could get out. We followed routine and he made me strip at the door.

  
“God you’re perfect,” he said saying those words that meant he wanted me naked. That he wanted to do things to me.

  
“Leo,” I breathed, “Please just not right now.”

  
“No, fighting baby,” he said as he made sure I stripped down to my boxers his hands going to my butt as he buried his face in my neck biting and kissing.

  
“Leo. Please I don’t want to. I’m tired I need to nap,” I barely managed to get out as he picked me up by the ass shoving his tongue in my mouth as he carried me to bed yanking off my boxers, “No.”

  
“You can tell me no all you like baby just don’t fight back ok?” He said straddling me biting into the front of my shoulder lightly as he pushed my arms up above my head.

  
“Leo please. I don’t want to have sex right now,” I begged as he stood up starting to undress.

  
“But I do so we’re going to. Or I can break out the rods. I was going to be nice and not use them but I can use them if you’re bad you understand?” He said.

  
I gulped and nodded my head spreading my legs as I laid there. I didn’t want to but I didn’t want the rods. I wanted the rods about as much as I wanted a fork to the eye.

  
“Yeah? Good boy,” he said climbing on top of me his wet fingers going inside of me. I didn’t say anything and closed my eyes as he did it. He climbed on top of me pushing inside of me kissing me, making me want to scream, “God yes, oh god you feel amazing…” He kept muttering against my skin pushing our bodies together pushing us closer to his goal of making us orgasm.

  
When we both reached climax, he climbed off of me leaving me exhausted. I was tired of it but I had gotten used to it. Having sex with Leo. I hated the sounding but, if he wasn’t going to sound me I could deal with it. I could spread my legs and let him use me, I could even let him suck me off if it meant he wasn’t going to sound me.

  
“You’re beautiful,” he said to me as I tried to roll away but he grabbed me making me stay put. Making me freeze and I knew he was going to blow me.

  
“I don’t like it,” I said letting him know how I felt.

  
“I know baby but you taste so good. I need to taste you ok? Think of it like you’re giving me life all right? That without it I’ll die. You don’t want me to die, do you?” He asked me.

  
I sighed, “If I let you, you won’t sound me?” I asked.

  
“I swear,” Leo promised me.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Good boy,” he said.

  
He started kissing down my body and I turned away careful to keep my hands at my sides as I felt his hands on my hips. My skin was prickling as I tried to ignore him. As I tried to ignore the feel of his tongue on my skin as it traveled lower and lower down my chest and stomach. My heart racing my eyes going wide as his tongue slid over my head.

  
“Yeah?” he asked his lips still touching my penis as he did so. I didn’t look at him I refused to look at him.

  
He kept going my face starting to burn as my body started to react the way he wanted it to. I didn’t want this to happen but if I stayed calm, if I let him he wouldn’t use the rods. My eyes went wide my whole-body shuddering as I started to pant trying to keep quiet.

  
“Ok that’s enough,” I said finally finding my voice.

  
“You didn’t give me my life yet though,” he said before taking his tongue and licking up the underside of my shaft making me whimper.

  
I remember it hurting not physically but emotionally just like it always did. As my whole body came for him and he sucked moaning happily as he did so. When he was done he laid beside me and when I went to turn my head again he grabbed my face, “No look at me, look at me beautiful. You saved my life, thank you,” he said before he forced a kiss on me.

  
He raped me again. Making me look at him as he did it. Making it almost impossible for me to blank out the feeling of being uncomfortably full making my intestines hurt.

  
“Stop you’re hurting,” I warned as he hit something wrong up inside of me.

  
“Just relax beautiful and it’ll feel good. You’re too tense,” he said rolling his hips.

  
“You’re burning, it’s hurts,” I said again as this harsh string ripped through my body as he hit something the wrong way again, “You’re hurting. I’m fucking serious. You’re hurting!” I screamed at him causing him to stop and pull out.

  
“Are you serious?” He asked me looking at the tears in my eyes closely as I tried to breathe and I nodded my head, “Can you tell me how it was hurting?”

  
“Burning,” I answered, “I don’t know what it was but that didn’t feel right.”

  
“Ok,” Leo said, “I think I might know what it was, can we try again baby?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said pulling my knees into my chest even though I was naked and exposed and was used to him seeing me naked just about all the time.

  
“Please baby. I really didn’t mean to hurt you ok? I swear, I just thought there was enough lube and there wasn’t that’s all it was. I’m sure, just let me go again. You want me to feel good too don’t’ you?” He said touching my knee. I felt like I was done. My ass still burning.

  
“Please no,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Now, now I need help feeling good so you’re going to help me. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. I’ll make you feel really good again after I’m done. You can give me more of that sweet juice. That life-giving juice huh?” He said.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Please Leo? Not right now.”

  
“Yes, now,” he said nodding his head as he took the bottle of lube and squirt a generous amount of it on himself and then put more on his fingers making sure I was nice and slick.

  
“Leo please,” I said again being very careful that I didn’t push him away, that I didn’t fight back. He started to push inside of me this time the burning not there, “Leo stop please.” I said again as he smiled down at me and pulled back out rolling his hips pushing up inside of me again.

  
“STOP! PLEASE GOD STOP!” I screamed fisting the sheets as he hit that spot hard making my eyes roll as I started to cum under him breathless.

  
It was like the time in the SUV where he kept going. Making me orgasm over and over and over again until I could no longer scream or move. Until I couldn’t do anything but lay there and pant. He kept making me cum until it burned to climax. He used his mouth, his fingers, his penis, everything he could to get me to respond until I no longer could. When he was done he lowered me into the bath the water.

  
“Let me wash you. You are an amazing, beautiful perfect boy,” he said grabbing the loofa and putting soap on it rubbing it on my back, “God you’re perfect but you’re covered in sweat. You must be tired huh?”

  
“Please,” I said not pushing him away not moving.

  
“Please what?” He asked, “You want more? Because I thought you were done. You were so close to passing out. I mean you couldn’t even walk to the bathtub baby. You sure you want more?”

  
“NO! NO NO NO NO,” I said shaking my head furiously.

  
“Ok, relax baby I was just kidding. I can tell you’ve had enough so I’m going to wash you and then we’re going to go to sleep ok? If you’re too tired I’ll keep you home with me tomorrow. I’ll just call your Dad and let him know and then I’ll drop you off at school on Tuesday.”

  
“Why not just take me home Monday?” I asked.

  
“Because I might want to keep you a little longer, take you to the park. I have a friend I’ve been talking to. You might know him. He said you’ve been talking to him too,” he said to me.

  
“I don’t know anyone you know. The only people I really talk to is you or my teachers or my friends,” I answered confused.

  
“Really? Because Allan says he knows you. He said that he’s talked to you about some stuff, mostly music. You might know him as Rocket,” he said making my eyes go wide.

  
I had been talking to him online, as RocketLauncher27. I had told him about the music I listened to and where I go to school but I hadn’t talked about much else with him. He had asked me things that probably should have tipped me off at the time. Like how I enjoyed my friend’s house and why I was there every weekend. What I was doing there. I had been vague. Careful to try and not give anything away.

  
“He’s seen you. He thinks you’re amazing too. He said he might want to have some play time with us,” he said smiling.

  
“You’d make me?” I asked quietly feeling like I’d been betrayed.

  
“He’s coming here all the way from California just to see you. To play with you baby. Isn’t that special?” He asked me.

  
“Does my Da know?” I asked him.

  
“Well, see that’s kind of like our second time. It’ll be our secret all right?” Leo said to me taking one of my arms gently and rubbing it with the loofa.

  
“Is he going to hurt me?” I asked him.

  
“Not if you’re good,” he answered, “Allan likes sounding but he likes other things too.”

  
“Other things?” I asked scared to know what his answer would be.

  
“Doubles, swings, making movies, that sort of stuff,” he said rubbing the loofa on my chest before dropping it in the water using his bare hand running them over my skin repeatedly, “You’re skins so soft, even the scars like this one…” he said running his hand over the round scar that Hank had left under my left nipple, “This is from Hank, isn’t it?”

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Want to tell me about how it happened?” He asked me looking at me closely.

  
“It was after…it was a weekend. My parents went away for new years with Mr. Lord to New York and Hank and Pat came over. They made me do things. My uncle and Hank made a video of us together, Pat and I and they said they wanted him to…go down and I couldn’t let him. I tried but, that’s something I…I don’t know. So, then Hank did it instead at some point he bit me.” I answered.

  
“When was the first time someone went down on you?” He asked me.

  
“Why do you do this?” I asked.

  
“Do what baby?” He asked me continuing to rub my chest with his bare hand.

  
“Make me tell you about it,” I answered, “I don’t like doing it.”

  
“That’s exactly why I want you to tell me about things. The more you talk about them the less they’ll bother you,” he answered simply, “If something doesn’t bother you it’s easy to be able to talk about it with anyone at any time. I’m teaching you. Making you better, tougher. You understand, right?”

  
I nodded my head, “So I’m not going to school tomorrow?” I asked still confused about it.

  
“We’ll see,” he said looking at me, “I have the day off for once so it would be nice to have an extra day with you. You’ve been really nice lately but it seems like your mind is somewhere else when we’re together.”

  
“Well, my siblings are turning 3 in two days so…my mind is there. I have a science test coming up and I can either take it and get a somewhat good grade, take it and let him…I honestly hate that to be honest, or I can go to his house after school and I’m not doing that so there’s that. There’s a school combined dance coming up so I should find a date but I haven’t really had a chance to hang out with anyone outside of school. You know, because of different things. So yes, I have a lot on my mind.” I answered.  
“So just stress?” He asked me as he picked the loofa back up and finished washing me off, “Come on baby. Let’s get you back to bed since you’re nice and clean now. Maybe you can nurse me to sleep huh?”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Let me suck you until I fall asleep. It’ll feel nice,” Leo answered as he helped me stand up.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Last time someone did that I had a huge bruise for like 3 or four days so please don’t.”

  
“I know you’re tired but trust me. It’ll feel really good,” he said again.

  
“No. Leo please. I’m begging you don’t make me. Please I’m tired I just want to sleep,” I said as he toweled dried me off his hand lingering on my crotch making me feel frozen.

  
“God if I didn’t have this messed up knee,” he muttered to himself, “Ok. all right, I’ll let you sleep since tomorrow will probably be a busy day for you. Allan is younger than I am. Then a lot of the guys you spent time with probably are.”

  
“Like Neal?” I asked remembering Neal. How he could go for hours and he wouldn’t give me a break. How my whole body would hurt after he was done.

  
“Neal the orderly? Yeah, they are around the same age. He apparently saw the video you made at the Villa. Allan did. He found it very attractive. He said he wants to play hard,” Leo told me.

  
“How hard is hard?” I asked not sure what he meant.

  
“Don’t worry about it,” Leo said helping me out of the tub.

  
We walked back to the bedroom and then I laid down on the bed. He turned off the lights and got in beside me it being sometime around 11 at night. I ended up falling asleep out of pure exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, Leo was on the phone with my Da. I knew it was him because of the way Leo was whispering about me quietly.

  
“Yeah no, it’s just a friend. You know they’ve been getting out of control all of them all of their sneaking around it’s just a message. I won’t be doing it but I’ll be there to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Yeah so, I’ll keep him until tomorrow unless I need to call Vic for some reason. Ok, yep I understand. Thank you,” Leo said hanging up the phone.

  
“Ok beautiful, time to wake up. We have to get you ready to play,” he said starting to kiss on my neck.

  
I moaned trying to roll over as he grabbed my arm to keep me from turning away. I didn’t want to do this. The least he could do if I was his captive was let me sleep a little longer. He lifted up my arm kissing my armpit tickling the hair there…. I sighed realizing what he meant. I tried to avoid looking at my body, feeling my body but, I was getting older that was for sure.

  
“I’m not a girl. There’s barely anything there you realize, right?” I moaned opening my eyes finally looking at him.

  
“Still, I mean I obviously don’t mind you realize but…Allan likes guys a little hairless so…” He said pinching my armpit.

  
“I don’t want to shave,” I moaned.

  
“Well think of it this way at least you don’t need to be waxed,” he said his hand trailing down my stomach causing my eyes to go wide, “No hair down there yet…just so you know you’re dick looks bigger when you’re shaved or waxed and girls like it so you should shave even after we’re done teaching you.”

  
“You mean when I’m a grown man? No thanks. I don’t think I’ll ever shave after I get my own life,” I answered.

  
“Well come on. Get up and shower and shave yourself or I’ll do it for you,” Leo said kissing my quickly on the lips.

  
“Fine,” I said getting up and going into the bathroom.

  
I took as long in the shower as I could knowing that when I got out I would probably be stuck naked in the bed anyway. When I came out there was the smell of bacon cooking out in the kitchen and I came out walking into the kitchen to find Leo wearing a t shirt and jeans which he never wore I might add making me give him an odd look.

  
“Come on, sit we’ll get some food in you,” he said pointing his spatula at the kitchen table.

  
“Real breakfast?” I asked sitting down.

  
“Yes,” he said, “Bacon, eggs, toast. Is that ok?”

  
“Yeah, it’s good,” I said nodding my head, “Why are you being nice to me?”

  
“I thought I was usually nice to you,” Leo told me.

  
“Well, yeah but this is like super nice,” I answered.

  
It was true. When he wasn’t raping me, he wasn’t exactly a bad person. He didn’t tell me I was shit or anything and he didn’t beat me like my uncle or mostly ignore me like my Da. He actually talked to me and asked me about my day and how my friends were. Like he wanted to know things about me. I actually found it horribly confusing that he wanted to know things about me besides how much I weighed and how long my dick was. Especially because when he got me in the bedroom he liked to have me beg him, plead with him to stop.

  
“I just want you to have energy for Allan,” he said putting a plate in front of me.

  
I didn’t feel hungry suddenly. I thought about all of the stuff he had made me do to get ready for Allan. About whether this guy was in the brotherhood or not. I was scared because I didn’t know who he was even though I had told him a lot about myself.  
“Just eat. Don’t think about it ok?” He said rubbing my head, “You can watch some TV until he gets here. I’m going to go do some paperwork and what not ok?”

  
“All right,” I said nodding my head trying to concentrate on eating. I managed to eat my bacon and some of my toast along with most of my eggs before I heard a knock on the door making me jump.

  
“You’re all right baby. You’ll have fun,” he told me.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets Allan up close and things don't go so well. John learns more about what's been going on at home in his absence and he's ordered on bed rest after his punishment for skipping classes (this is like two weeks after the first time him and Pat skipped so he's skipped two more Mondays. That's why the punishment is so...anyway). He tries to go to school to get away from the house from his biggest threat and he give Matt a warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 550 to 572 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, physical violence, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health issues, family isssues, bullying** I know I'm updating a lot I go back to school Monday and there are a lot of things already written. It just feels like it's taking me forever to get what's already done posted so I'm kind of pushing it a little bit so I can focus on school work again. Only 564 more pages to go until you are done reading part two.

I really doubted anything that happened would be fun. He walked down the stairs and opened the door that wasn’t inside the garage. They walked up the stairs and there was a guy there not as young as Dick and Chad but closer to my Uncles age. His blue eyes seeming almost normal. . Nothing would have seemed off about him if I had met him in a park or other public place at least not until he looked at me. Something about his eyes changing as he saw my naked chest.

  
“Hey John,” he said sounding casual, “What’s up?”

  
I shook my head, “Nothing. What about you Rocket?” I asked.

  
“You can call me Allan,” he said coming towards me and pulling out the chair on the other side of the table, “You showered for me?”

  
“Yeah, he’s showered and shaved,” Leo answered for me, “Now you said this was just for you right? No streaming no cameras?”

  
“Right,” Allan said nodding his head his eyes not leaving me, “He’s even more handsome in person.”

  
“Yeah, he’s attractive all right,” Leo answered, “Now my rules condoms of course. If you get loud or you think it’s going to you need to let me know so I can make sure I don’t take any calls. I have some stuff I have to work on in the office. You can use the bedroom. Nothing permanent or that’s really going to hurt him all right?”

  
“Yeah, I got it,” Allan said licking his bottom lip, “You ready John?”

  
“I don’t…,” I said quietly.

  
“You don’t want to?” Allan said looking at me as he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “Look you can do it with me and I can be nice or you can fight me. I like a fight sometimes. I came here ready for one just in case. Because while you’re a sweet boy you’ve been kind of off lately and I’m just wondering why.”

  
“You’re asking weirder and weirder stuff,” I answered, “Like asking me about my old girlfriend, asking me if we ever…”

  
“Had sex? You’re 13. It’s not crazy to think you and Heather had sex,” he answered simply, “I mean it’s good to have some experiences with people your own age. I mean I know Rich isn’t exactly your age but he’s close. That was a hot video. Can you play with me like that?”

  
“Are you really going to make me?” I asked.

  
“Come on,” he said standing up and grabbing me hard by the elbow, “LEO WE’RE GOING TO BE LOUD!” he shouted towards the office.

  
“ALL RIGHT HAVE FUN,” He said as I heard him get up and shut the office door.

  
“No,” I shook my head grabbing the top of his hand hard scratching at his fingers as he clawed my arm digging his middle finger into the pressure point in the crook of my elbow as he yanked me towards the bedroom. I decided to quit fighting as he pulled on me instead trying to keep the towel around my waist. Keep myself from being exposed to him as long as possible.

  
He pushed me hard into the bedroom. Making me fall onto the floor on my knees my towel falling off in the process landing under me.

  
“That ass,” he said eyeing me as I heard the door lock and scrambled to my feet.

  
I knew he was going to hurt me and not just like Leo hurt me but hurt me hurt me. I backed up until I hit the wall behind me shaking my head.

  
“Come here,” he said undoing his pants and pulling off his shirt quickly revealing the fact he wasn’t wearing underwear under his jeans as he started walking towards me.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head.

  
“You don’t want to say no again. Come here,” he said moving forward fast like a snake grabbing me by the wrist yanking hard enough to throw me towards the bed when he climbed on top of me.

  
“STOP!” I yelled his hands rough against my skin as he pulled at my legs to get my legs open scratching hard drawing blood across my thigh, “STOP IT!” I screamed again as he roughly shoved my hands up into the pillows pulling handcuff out of nowhere and looping them through the iron headboard hand cuffing me to it causing me to kick out using my only ability to fight, “NO NO,” I screamed as he elbowed me in the rib cage before punching me in the face causing my nose to start bleeding making me cough and sputter as I actually snorted blood back down my nose into my throat.

  
“Nice,” he muttered biting into my neck making me scream out as he ripped my thighs apart roughly so he settle in-between them.

  
He put a condom on and raped me. It hurt. It fucking hurt bad, almost as bad as doubles. I don’t know what he did that hurt so badly but, I remember just wishing he would stop. Not able to keep myself from screaming wishing that everything would just stop. I didn’t know what I had done but, I knew this was a punishment. That I had done something to piss Leo off and now I was paying for it. I was really paying for it.

  
I screamed until he started choking me making me go quiet my whole body burning. I don’t know how long he went, but I know I didn’t climax. When he was done he made me kiss him and then he got up and dressed unlocking my hands from the hand cuffs his very last act before he left the room shutting the door behind him.

  
My body hurt. My wrists were raw and scratched from me pulling and yanking at the cuffs trying to get free so I could fight, my legs were bruised. My neck, I had several bite marks in different places that burned. I felt like I couldn’t breathe dried blood caking my nostrils and face along with snot and tears. I felt like my body wanted me to pass out but I couldn’t for some reason. I heard the door move and jumped managing to whimper lightly as Leo came into the room.

  
“You think he ripped you?” He asked me looking at me as he came over to me climbing into the bed next to me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Because he wasn’t supposed to rip you just rough you up. I didn’t want you hurt too bad. I’m sure you understand the message,” he said to me.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Well, what have you been doing that you shouldn’t be?” Leo asked me, “Maybe not going to school Monday when I drop you off. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before you run off and skip classes? Your Dad and I discussed this because you’re mine until you go home after school on Monday it was my punishment to give and I told you I don’t use guys like Hank. I use guys like Arthur and Barren. Hank is a bit of a biter yes but he hates screaming whereas Allan, well I’m sure you can guess Allan loves it. So, think about it before you do it again all right?”

  
He got up and walked away leaving me there barely able to even think about moving. I had been skipping school to sleep in the bird station on Monday’s with Pat. He had been cuddling with me while I slept because Mondays were hard. Leo raped me on Sunday night making me share a bed with him so I barely got any sleep on Sunday and then Monday my Da came to my room at night after everyone else went to bed. So, I was literally just trying to get some sleep any type of sleep without someone putting their hands where I didn’t want them. Pat didn’t even do anything with me but make out with me sometimes and it took a lot of talking to get him to even do that.

  
Pat loved me but he was worried about this, us getting into trouble and me paying the price. I had begged him to be with me, to touch me, to let me touch him and had kept saying no. Even when I cried for it he had kept saying no because he loved me too much.

  
I probably spent the rest of the day in and out of consciousness still not able to move, my body caked in blood from scratches and the bruises on my skin going from red to blue and purple. At some point, I managed to move getting up and using the bathroom finding it burned but that I wasn’t bleeding and I climbed into the shower sitting there for the longest time just letting the warm water rush over my body as I drifted in and out I was so tired, so sore. After I decided I was done I somehow managed to stumble back into the bed falling back to sleep. At some point Leo came back into the bedroom and started kissing on my neck.

  
“I’m sorry baby,” he muttered against my skin causing me to wake up, “You can’t be bad. You have to be my good boy all right?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head slowly my whole face hurting as I moved my head.

  
“I’ll make you feel better,” he said starting to kiss down my neck causing me to yelp as he hit a bruise on my chest with his lips.

  
“Leo please,” I somehow managed to say.

  
“Just a little bit,” he said kissing down my chest his tongue dipping into my belly button causing me to jerk. Causing my whole body to have pain shoot from my ribs into my neck. He blew me. Making sure I orgasmed making sure the pain caused the pleasure to misfire making me want to scream. When he was done he cleaned me off helping me up and put me in the back of his SUV.

  
At first, I thought he was going to kill me. That he was going to take me somewhere to dump my body but when he woke me up my Da was standing with the door open.

  
“Come here baby,” Da said grabbing me under the arm pits starting to pull me from the SUV.

  
“It hurts,” was all I managed to say.

  
“I know baby, I’m sorry but you needed to understand ok baby? Vic is on his way over,” My Da said, “He’ll give you something to make it feel better I promise but you can’t be bad anymore ok?”

  
“I promise,” I moaned as he picked me up before I heard a noise.

  
“John?” I heard Pat say, “What happened? Mr. McGregor is he ok?”

  
“Yeah he’ll be all right. He’s just been misbehaving so he needed to be punished,” My Da answered, “Come on baby let’s get you inside ok?”

  
“What did you do to him?” Pat hissed.

  
“Patrick don’t make me call your dad over here all right? Go home,” My Da answered.

  
“He looks like he got jumped,” Pat said, “What did you do?”

  
“I didn’t do anything. I am taking him upstairs to lay down and rest which is something he very much needs if you can’t tell by the two black eyes he has so please allow me to take my son upstairs to his room,” My Da answered.

  
“Can I come too? Please let me come with him,” Pat said looking around like he was panicking as I heard another car pull up into our drive way.

  
“Oh, geeze Connor what did you two do to him?” Vic asked coming forward as he reached out to take me from my Da.

  
“NO DON’T TOUCH ME!!! NO!” I managed to scream causing Pat’s alarm to grow.

  
“Hey, it’s ok. You’re all right. I’m right here,” Pat told me as my Da handed me over to Vic, “Vic can I come with you?”

  
“Yeah,” Vic said nodding his head, “Upstairs come on guys.”

  
Vic hurried carrying me upstairs to the elevator, “Vic he doesn’t want you near him anymore can you tell me what happened?” Pat asked once the elevator doors shut.

  
“I have a cover I need to keep. My cover would have gotten blown if I had said no and refused to do what I did ok? I didn’t rape him but my tongue went somewhere it shouldn’t have while Connor watched to make sure I was actually doing it all right? I’ve told him I’m sorry. I know I can’t take it back but he’s still very weary of me touching him for reasons that I very much understand,” Vic answered.

  
“You didn’t blow him, did you? Because he hates that more than he does anal,” Pat told Vic making me moan loudly, “Rabbit it’s ok. I’m right here.”

  
“No same area wrong action…,” Vic mumbled.

  
“No! you don’t rim someone randomly that’s almost as bad as oral,” Pat chastised Vic.

  
“I know I’m sorry. It was either that or go all the way which was something I wasn’t going to do,” Vic said.

  
“So, you rimmed him and that’s why he doesn’t want you touching him,” Pat said, “No wonder he nearly loses his shit every time you’re around Vic. You know how stupid that is?”

  
“What other choice did I have Patrick?” Vic asked him, “Say no? Say I’m not into raping little boys? You know what they would have done to me? I would have probably ended up dead trust me on this. I can’t help anyone if I’m dead.”

  
“You can’t help anyone if your shoving your tongue in their ass either. You know how invasive that is?” Pat hissed.

  
“Yes, Patrick actually I do and like I said I’m sorry ok? Now could you hand me my bag?” He asked.

  
“Rabbit what did they do to you?” He asked me again as the conversation stopped when the elevator opened as Vic carried me to my room. Once we were inside of my room I sighed squirming to get out of Vic’s arms and throwing my arms around Pat’s neck.

  
“Leo said it was because I keep skipping that him and Da discussed it and because I’m his until after school on Monday. That meant it was his responsibility to punish me so he did.” I answered simply trying to be vague.

  
I was afraid it would hurt him. Hurt him to know what Leo had done to me. Hurt him to know that Leo had allowed someone else to hurt me, that it would make me repulsive that now it wasn’t just Leo and Da and Ben and Hank but that there was one more name to write onto the long list of names of people who’d been with me, who’d raped me.

  
“He’s punished you for skipping? Does he know you’re just trying to catch up on sleep that you need? Sleep somewhere where you aren’t afraid someone is going to rape you?” Pat hissed his eyes flashing with anger.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I don’t know what he thinks I’m doing but we can’t skip anymore.”

  
“Rabbit, if we don’t skip you get like 0 sleep and you’re going to start breaking down again. I can’t watch that happen again ok? You’re finally starting to act normal so they beat the shit out of you? What is that?” Pat asked no one in particular.

  
“Wait he’s not sleeping?” Vic asked Pat.

  
“Not restful, all weekend he’s with Leo every weekend. Then on Monday or Tuesday he’s with his Da. At school he can’t because it’s school and the teachers are there and you know what some of them are like. He’s not doing well. He was just starting to get better. We were skipping out Mondays. Going away and just finding a place so we could curl up so he could sleep that’s it for real.”

  
“No making out or having sex?” He asked Pat.

  
“None. We’re both contracted. Gus catches the smell of anyone on me I’m getting beaten like this,” he said gesturing towards me, “And I really find being beaten unpleasant as I’m sure John can testify to you. It’s been a while for me too even though if I could I would take his place right now, is he going to need stitches?”

  
“No, none of the bites are that deep. I’m going to have to give him a couple of shots just to be safe, antibiotics. His nose it broken however it seems like Leo might have already reset it because it doesn’t look like it’s out of joint but he’s going to have some black eyes for a couple of days. None of the scratching is deep however some of the contusions look pretty nasty. John can you tell me how bad your rectum hurts?” Vic asked me.

  
“It burns a little. I went to the bathroom and there wasn’t any blood though,” I answered, “My head hurts.”

  
“Well good that means he probably didn’t rip anything or if he did it was very little, I’ll give you stool softeners just in case,” Vic said refiling through his medical bag.

  
“I know Rabbit. I know it’s hurts I’m sorry,” Pat said kissing my forehead, “I’m sorry they did this to you. God, I’m so sorry.”

  
“Relax I don’t think anything is broken,” Vic said, “I’m going to give you some morphine for pain John. It’ll put you out for a little while. Pat you’re going to have to leave with me because I don’t need you in trouble and him in anymore.”

  
“It’s my fault this happened to him,” Pat said looking at Vic before he turned to me, “Can you tell us who did it?”

  
I clung to him, breathing him in. I didn’t want to talk about it, think about it. I just wanted to forget all of it. To be with him. To let him comfort me. I just wanted to feel safe.

  
“Ok,” Vic said in response to my silence nodding his head, “This is going to sting but when you wake up you probably won’t hurt as bad. Nothing is broken I’m sure of it. I’m going to put an ice mask on your face to help with your robber’s mask you got going on. Remember to take your stool soften. After the morphine wears off take Tylenol. You stay away and both of you need to stop skipping.” Vic said as he poked me rubbing my arm lightly, “You know I’m sorry, right?”

  
“I know,” I said.

  
“I hate this,” Pat said kissing my forehead and running a hand through my hair, “I need to be here.”

  
“You can’t be,” Vic warned him, “You need to stay away from him. If you’re not in school stay away from him, all right?”

  
“You can’t tell me that. He needs someone other than them. They are torturing him. You know they are. He’s as close to normal as he has ever been since he got back because we’ve been skipping Mondays and spending time together. He’s going to go back to not talking about anything, this,” he said grabbing my wrist where my big angry red scar from my suicide attempt was, “This is his future if I can’t be with him. I won’t ever forgive myself or you if he does this again. I love him Vic, I know I’m not supposed to admit that to anyone ever but him. But I do, I love him and I want to be with him and I will do anything for him. Even taking this beating for him if I had been there.”

  
“You guys can’t get caught,” Vic warned him, “You can’t get caught. One of you will end up dead best case and you’re both contracted right now. That means your bodies belong to someone else. Not you, so you need to be careful.”

  
“Yeah I know that. I’m very aware. Why do you think I keep my body to myself?” Pat hissed at Vic, “Because his safety is more important to me than anything. If keeping him safe means I can’t kiss him, can’t touch him other then maybe hug him and do what I’m doing right now that’s fine. That’s what I’ll do. If I thought staying away from him was safer for him I would do that but right now it’s not. Right now that would make him hurt himself again and I can’t live with myself if he does that.” Pat said rubbing my arm as the drugs finally started to kick in and his voice started to go fuzzy as I buried my face in his side closing my eyes.

  
I didn’t get to hear the rest of the conversation before I drifted off. When I woke up I wasn’t sure what time it was but Vic was sleeping on my floor and Pat was gone, the house quiet. I felt cold and naked without him there. Without his body, next to mine.

  
“Vic where did he go?” I asked quietly causing Vic to jump up with a start.

  
“I sent him home, he’s ok,” he said getting up, “How are you feeling?”

  
“Sore,” I answered.

  
“Well yes, you’re going to be. Whoever this guy was he wasn’t very nice. You’re lucky you didn’t tear badly. Only two people I’ve seen worse than this guy are Arthur and your Uncle. He must have punched you in the stomach a couple of times. You have like two bruised ribs but I doubt they are broken. You have an arm sprain but I’m going to guess that’s from you. I doctored your wrist too. Make sure you keep those bandaged, keep out the dirt,” Vic said.

  
“He used handcuffs so I couldn’t…” I sighed, “I screamed a lot.”

  
“Oh, I bet you did,” Vic said shaking his head, “he nearly scratched your left hip raw it looks nasty. It’s going to be oozing for a bit so make sure you change your bandage. I can write a doctor’s note for gym that way you don’t have to worry about changing and what not. You trust me yet?”

  
“What you did, scared me,” I answered swallowing the lump in my throat.

  
“I know but I wouldn’t have done it if I had thought there was another way out of that,” Vic said to me, “If I die I can’t help you guys get out again. I can’t help anyone. I can’t blow my cover. I got Flynn out, and Kris he didn’t go off to school he took off. I got him out. I get a ton of ones out every year but they are easier. Just make it look like they died by accident and no one ever questions it, you guys, you’re harder. People miss you. My mistake was not slipping you guys out of the country and splitting you up. There were just too many of you, you were too easy to find all together.”

  
“He set up a missing persons site a fake one. The PI my Da hired. Heathers brother saw it. Turned me in, us in. It was my fault if I would have told her that we left, that we ran because of…I couldn’t tell her that. I couldn’t let her know I’m a freak that I don’t …who does that to their kid? Their son?” I asked looking at my hands, not able to look Vic in the face.

  
“Sick people but that doesn’t make you the freak. It makes him one John ok?” Vic said and I nodded my head, “He caught you because he was counting on you keeping it as quiet as possible just like he was counting on your mom to do the same. Society views this as a very private issue especially when it’s a family member that does it like a dad and they know that. They know it’s taboo so they know people will keep quiet. That they won’t tell anyone. That way when they go looking for the victims to get them back after they run no one is going to warn their families that are in hiding especially if it’s a son and not a daughter.”

  
“I wish I was never born. That he wasn’t my Da,” I answered.

  
“I know, he’s not a real Dad. Not to you and not to your siblings,” Vic said, “Real Dad’s don’t do this to their kids.”

  
“Why did he start?” I asked, “I mean he had mum. He was happy with her you would think but …”

  
“Your mom was pregnant a lot. Sometimes when a woman gets pregnant her sex drive changes and some people who are addicted to sex meet their needs in other ways. He had sons not daughters. Honestly, I think he used who was vulnerable and who was there which was you and Will and he got to a point where he liked it so he kept doing it. Can I tell you something? Since you know I’m one of them I hear them talk ok? He says he thinks he’s bisexual and that if your mom had been a man he would have still loved her. That you are everything she is in male form. He thinks he’s in love with you but you don’t see how good he treats you even though let’s be honest he treats you like shit. That’s why he gave you to Leo so you would see how good he treats you. So, you would never complain again. So, you might even…” Vic trailed off.

  
“I won’t ever love him like that. I can’t,” I answered hating thinking about it, “He gave me to Leo to torture me into loving him like that didn’t he?”

  
“That was his idea yeah,” Vic answered.

  
“Does that mean after these last three months I don’t have to deal with Leo anymore?” I asked quietly, hopefully.

  
“I don’t know John. I can’t tell you that. He wants you to be like him and you are nothing like your Dad. I can tell you that. I spend enough time with him to know that’s his end game that he wants you submissive.” Vic answered.

  
“I won’t,” I said shaking my head, “I won’t do that no matter what. Someone has to stick up for them. If he’ll do this to me and I’m supposedly his favorite I can’t imagine what he’ll do to everyone else.”

  
“John, you have power over him even if you don’t realize it. You use it. I know you do. You do whatever you can to keep them safe. He doesn’t understand the power you have over him. He loves you so much that he’ll do anything you say if you agree to give him what he wants and he hates that. Leo paid a lot of money for these six months A LOT of money. Has your behavior with Leo changed or your Da?” Vic asked me.

  
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m quieter a lot,” I answered, “This is weird Vic. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“I know,” Vic said from the floor where he was still sitting, “I know it’s weird talking about what that stuff is like but if your Da feels he’s breaking you it means he might not renew your contract with Leo.”

  
“Leo likes to hear me beg,” I answered a cold feeling flooding my body as I remembered all of it, the past three months, “He likes to hear me make sounds he…all of them really but especially Leo and Da they like to,” I hiccupped as my breath hitched in my chest and I felt tears starting to flood my eyes.

  
“It’s ok,” Vic said quietly, “Take your time.”

  
“They want me to cum,” I managed to barely whisper, “They like… all of them like it. They say I taste sweet I can’t ever stop it. My body always…gives them what they want. I…it doesn’t matter how hard I try I always…”

  
Vic nodded his head, “Ok I know you’re going to hate hearing this but considering you’re a teenage boy going through puberty that’s perfectly normal, all right? You’re less likely to tell if you respond like that. That’s why they keep doing it and you’re right they probably enjoy it.”

  
“I don’t,” I replied.

  
“I know you don’t,” Vic said, “I’m sure your body because of all those hormones racing around in there is hyper sensitive in that region. Your prostate, balls, penis everything. You probably pop boners in the middle of English and I know who your English teacher is and, let’s face it nothing arousing about that class.”

  
“Yeah Father Dunbee does nothing for me,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“That’s why I want you and Pat touching as little as possible because while he’s a year older and he has a little bit more control you’re still pretty fresh in that game so…the less he touches you the easier it is to keep that secret you two have.” Vic told me.

  
“I…it’s just him,” I admitted, “I don’t know why because I mean usually if I’m going to pop a boner I think about Christina Agueralia but …he’s like literally the only guy who.”

  
“Well not all attraction is physical. Some of it is emotional. He loves you and I know you love him. The video you made certainly doesn’t help hide that fact. The way your eyes go big and light up when you’re looking at him.”

  
I felt myself blush a deep shade of red in the dark. I didn’t want to talk to Vic about love. I didn’t want to talk about my body or how it had trouble hiding its feelings. He was right. Every time I felt Pat brush against my skin I got aroused which is why Pat was very careful about where we were and who was with us when he did touch me. Choosing not to get too close to me when we were in public but only when we were with friends like Dom and Cole.

  
“It’s not like you have a lot of girls around in your life. You need that type of support that type of unconditional support from somewhere and he’s obviously willing to give it and you do the same for him. There is nothing wrong with that other than it will get you killed because they want to prevent you guys from having that outlet. They want to keep you from developing any type of close friendships period let alone romances,” Vic told me, “I think you’re going to be staying home from school tomorrow maybe even Wednesday just to be safe. To make sure nothing goes wrong and it will help with headaches. Because you’re probably going to have a lot. Your torso is bruised my friend like whoa. Like did he take a two by four to your stomach?”

  
“Not that I remember,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Well,” Vic sighed sitting on his knees turning on the lamp on my side table, “Lift up your shirt. I won’t hurt you. I won’t touch you, just lift it up and take a look.”

  
I sighed lifting up my shirt and looking at my chest. He was right. The last three ribs on my left side were outlined in dark angry bruises like I had gotten kicked in the chest. It looked painful and made me body feel tight and burn a little. I didn’t even want to touch it, it looked that painful. At the time, the pain was dull because I still had some morphine in my system but I could tell I would be in a world of pain when it wore off.

  
“That’s from his fist,” I answered, “I don’t know. He squeezed a little bit but mostly my hips and thighs.”

  
“Yeah you have claw marks and finger sized bruises up and down your legs especially near your knees like someone pried your knees apart to do things,” Vic answered me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “He was rough.”

  
“Well, he broke your nose and left several bite marks on your arms and chest. I’d say rough would be a bit of an understatement. The only way he could have tortured you more would be if he electrocuted you and started breaking your bones or whipped you which, you know how awesome that feels,” Vic answered.

  
“Yeah, I’m glad he didn’t whip me,” I answered.

  
“Yeah, whipping is never fun,” Vic answered.

  
“So, stay home tomorrow and I’ll be back. However, something else I want to note here. I know this hard for you. I don’t imagine it’s easy but no more skipping school ok? Pat said you were using the time to sleep?”

  
“Yes, I don’t sleep well at Leo’s and then Da on Monday he…he shares a bed with me,” I answered quietly, “So Mondays I’m super tired so sleeping with Pat, like not sex just like he takes me somewhere and he holds me while I actually sleep. It makes me feel safe. It makes it easier to deal with Da.”

  
“You and Pat don’t do anything when you’re hanging out on Monday?” He asked me a skeptical look on his face.

  
“I make out with him but he…he’s very like… I can tell he wants to but then he doesn’t at the same time. I think it’s because of Gus and Leo. Because he keeps saying things like he’s afraid Gus will smell me on him and stuff like that. Even though going past making out isn’t something I’m interested in right now either so…” I answered.

  
“Because of Leo?” He asked me.

  
“Because all of them,” I answered, “I don’t like being touched by most people but Pat he’s different.”

  
“Ok,” Vic said nodding his head.

  
“Leo makes me tell him things,” I said suddenly as Vic stood up, “The things other people do, have done. He says it’s to make it so it doesn’t bother me but I don’t think that’s what it is.”

  
“Why do you think he’s doing it?” Vic asked me quietly.

  
“Because he likes hearing about it. Because it makes him …it turns him on,” I answered.

  
“I think you’re probably right. I’ll talk to your Dad about giving you time to hang out with Pat especially if that’s the only way you’re sleeping. I feel like your Dad is escalating the way he’s been treating Will it’s not…it’s not good and I can only picture him getting worse. He’s making Will make movies now you know?” Vic asked me.

  
“Yeah, he told me, Will did. At the Villa, they made him do doubles. He’s been really quiet since they did that,” I answered.

  
“I know,” Vic answered, “He’s scared. Your first double is traumatizing. I’m sure you remember.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head causing my head to pound again slightly, “He’s selling Mac to Hank.”

  
“No, Hank’s making payments. 2 million dollars to well, it doesn’t matter what for it’s still wrong but Hank won’t have custody of Mac. Not ever and he has to wait until Mac is old enough. But he’s grooming him. Buying Mac toys trying to get Mac to trust him,” Vic told me.

  
“I hope he never does. Hank does horrible things,” I replied.

  
“You just have to spend a lot of time with Mac and hopefully Hank won’t be able to brain wash him into thinking Hank is safe. I don’t know he’s still little enough his gut is probably telling him something’s wrong. Tell him to trust his gut. I know he’s just little still but be there for him for all of them. You know what’s going on with the twins?” Vic asked me.

  
“Fetish films, Uncle Ben you mean?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Vic said nodding his head, “That someone is paying money to see them soon. He’s not violent but he’s very much not a good guy. You need to tell them to do what he says. Whatever he says otherwise the brotherhood will give them to Tony to make the other types of videos and you know what I mean by that.”

  
“Yeah, I do,” I answered nodding my head, “I’ll tell them.”

  
“Good. Now just try and be home, relax. Spend a lot of time in bed. Give your ribs a chance to heal ok?” He said grabbing his stuff and his medical bag.

  
“What time is it?” I asked.

  
“It’s late like 2am,” he answered me, “I’m going home to sleep in my own bed ok?”

  
“Why did you stay here so long?” I asked.

  
“Keep your Da from bothering you, waking you up. With me up here he’s not exactly going to be handsy. Most people like doing that in private without guest over,” Vic answered, “He didn’t bother Will either. Will told me he usually shows up around 10 after everyone else is in bed and he’s been in a bed for a little while. He came in around 11 to check up on you and said your Da hadn’t shown up yet so he was checking the rooms to make sure. Your room to make sure because he knew you were hurt. I’ll come back and see you tomorrow ok? Let you know if you’re ok for school on Wednesday or not.”

  
“Ok, goodnight,” I said nodding my head as Vic turned off the light and quietly left.

  
I rolled over causing my torso to burn slightly with my movement and managed to fall back to sleep. I don’t know how long I slept but I was woken up by Andy banging on my door.

  
“Jack Daddy said you were sick,” he shouted through the door as I got up and hobbled over to door and opened it up.

  
“Yeah buddy. I’m sick but only a little bit,” I answered, “How are you?”

  
“I’m ok I brought Brandy Bear to keep you company because he always makes me feel better,” he said as I hobbled over to the bed and sat back down.

  
“Well, thank you but you can keep me company if you like,” I answered as he put his arms up towards me asking me to lift him onto the bed next to me without words.

  
“Ok,” he said looking at me, “I got tired of hot wheels.”

  
“You did? What have you been playing with now?” I asked curious.

  
“Just Brandy Bear,” he said smiling hugging the bear tightly and wiggling himself from side burying his face in the bears chest.

  
“Yeah have you been playing house with Laura?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I was the Daddy,” He said, “I was a good Daddy. I fed the babies.”

  
“Who were the babies?” I asked.

  
“Mac and Brandy Bear,” Andy answered.

  
“And you fed them? What else did you do with them?” I asked curious.

  
“Cuddled them nice,” he told me.

  
“What do you mean by nice?” I asked.

  
“Like you cuddle me silly,” he answered.

  
“I see, and did Mikey play too?” I asked.

  
“Yeah for a little while but he was the grandpa because I was the Daddy and he sat and read the paper and drank coffee,” Andy answered.

  
I laughed, “I see, anyone else play with you guys?”

  
“Matty played a little bit but Matty’s not nice sometimes so I don’t like playing with him.” He told me.

  
“What do you mean he’s not nice?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach afraid of what he meant.

  
“He looks at me funny and asks me weird questions that I don’t like. I don’t know he used to be nice but he’s not so nice anymore not since Mama went bye,” he told me. He looked at Brandy Bear frowning hugging him setting the stuffed Teddy bear on his lap and petting its head as he sighed sadly, “When is mama coming home?”

  
“I don’t know buddy,” I answered, “I wish she would come home too. I miss her. Do you miss her?”

  
“I miss her lots,” he told me, “She used to rock me. Alice rocks me sometimes now too but not the same as when mama did it.”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I’m going to talk to Da and see if he can tell us when mum is coming home because she has to come home at some point.”

  
“I hope so because I miss her,” he told me throwing his head forward into my lap accidentally head butting me in the stomach causing me to wince in pain, “Did I hurt you?”

  
“No, it’s ok. I’m all right,” I said trying to catch my breath as the pain radiated from my stomach into my back and up my spine.

  
“You don’t seem all right,” he said frowning.

  
“No, bud really I’m all right. You just hit a booboo that’s all. It’s not your fault,” I said rubbing his back as he stayed his head in my lap.

  
“Will you play house with us today? You can be the Daddy,” he told me, “Or the baby.”

  
“No bud. I think I’m going to stay here in bed if that’s ok. However, if you want to bring me a book I’ll read you a story. Everyone else can join us,” I told him just as I saw someone walk by the doorway from the corner of my eye.

  
“There you are Andrew it’s time for lunch dear,” Alice said smiling at him, “Come on I’ll get you fed.”

  
“Can Jack come?” He asked Alice.

  
“Jack isn’t feeling well dear, come along now. I’ll feed you and then bring Jack his food all right?” She said holding out her hand which he slid off the bed and walked over to her taking hold of it.

  
They walked down the hallway his happy chatter fading as they walked into the kitchen. About 10 minutes later Alice came back knocking on the door that was still cracked open a plate with a sandwich on it in one hand and a bag full of something in the other. She looked at me.

  
“May I sit?” She asked pointing at the foot of my bed and I nodded in response, “How are you feeling?”

  
“I’m all right I guess just sore,” I answered, “How are you doing?”

  
“Oh, sugar I’m fine thank you for asking,” she said, “Dr. Palmer told me to look at you, that I need to change your bandage on your wrist so if you don’t mind…”

  
“Oh yeah,” I said rolling up my sleeves so she could see the white medical gauze around each of my wrists.

  
“Here,” she said taking a pair of scissors and snipping the one on my left wrist peeling it off because it was sticking to my skin slightly where the wound had started to ooze, “That feel ok?” She asked me holding my arm gently.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Andy says Matt is being mean to him.”

  
“Matt has been having some difficulties. your Daddy has him seeing someone on Saturdays. He’s on medication again, the medication is new though so it’ll take a while before it does anything but yes, he seems to be violent lately. He has rages. Hopefully with time it will get better,” she told me rebandaging my wrist.

  
“You sure?” I asked.

  
“Well, I’ve seen kids like him. They become trouble through no fault of their own. It takes patience to deal with them,” she told me, “I’ve dealt with them before. A couple of them. One boy I knew he wasn’t allowed to have pets because every time his parents brought him a dog he would choke it to death. I think he just unsettles Andrew. I don’t think he’s a real threat to him.”

  
She took my other wrist unbandaging it and hissed when she pulled the gauze from my skin looking at my scar, “Sugar you shouldn’t have done that. I wish you wouldn’t have. I know it’s hard but you don’t need to beat up yourself too.”

  
I sighed, “I just wanted it to stop. You understand that don’t you?” I asked.

  
“I do,” she told me, “But you have these babies here. They need you. I heard Vic talking to your Daddy he says you need to spend more time with friends that it’ll help you. He said Pat could come over after school. Will that help you?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I want to be home during the weekends.”

  
“I know you do sugar but there isn’t anything anyone can do about that right now,” Alice said patting my arm sadly, “Eat your lunch, rest.”

  
Just then the lift kicked on and I looked at the time on my alarm clock. It was too early for it to be my brothers and Catty coming home from school because it was only 1pm. I sighed knowing it was probably Da or uncle Ben. Sure enough a few minutes later Da popped his in the door and Alice smiled.

  
“Afternoon sir,” she said standing up and walking away as he came into the bedroom.

  
I felt my heart pounding against my chest again. I was afraid he was going to hurt me as he sat down where Alice had been sitting looking at me closely, “Hi baby. Are you feeling better?” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head not able to look at him for fear it would trigger him to kiss me or hug me and that was something I couldn’t deal with. My body was sore. I was tired and emotionally exhausted and I felt like any of them against my skin would be too much. I waited from him to speak as he looked at me, feeling his eyes on me.

  
“You shouldn’t have skipped you know, that right?” He asked me quietly.

  
“I know da I was just tired. I just needed sleep,” I answered.

  
“Baby, you can sleep here with me, and Leo lets you sleep. I know he does,” he said as I closed my eyes taking a deep breath trying to not think about it, not think about how they pressed into my back as I tried to sleep at night. How their skin was against mine.

  
“I’m sorry Da. It won’t happen again,” I answered.

  
“I know it won’t,” he said, “I talked to Leo. Mum is almost ready to come home. She’s on medication and she’s stable. She’s not as groggy as she was. She’ll be able to take care of the babies. However, her doctor and Leo think that it would be wise not to have any kids for a while at least until everyone else is out of the nursery. That it will help with her mental health. So, in a week or two she should be home.”

  
“Ok,” I replied.

  
“Vic thinks you should hang out with your friends more often that it would help you,” he told me, “So Pat will be coming home with you on Wednesdays and Thursdays to hang out. Just you two all right? No Hank, no me. Just the two of you to do teenage things. If I get one whisper of anything physical I will tell Leo and Leo will deal with it. Which might mean your name in the bowl, it might not. I’m going to let Leo decide on that because you’re his you understand me?”

  
“Yes sir, I understand,” I answered.

  
“Good,” he said patting my knee making me jump.

  
“It’s ok, I know you’re sore,” he said moving his hand away, “Don’t worry. I know you need a break baby no matter how much I would…” he cleared his throat, “Anyway, enjoy lunch and just try to relax all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he handed me my sandwich.

  
“I love you,” he told me.

  
“I love you too,” I answered finally chancing a glance at him.

  
His eyes giving me that look that made my body feel cold, frozen. I didn’t like it when he looked at me like that. That look always made my brain scream at me to run that he wanted to put his hands on me. That he wanted to do things to me he shouldn’t and it felt like a brick sitting in my gut making me not hungry. He sighed and got up shutting the door quietly as he left.

  
Once he left I exhaled letting out a breath I didn’t even realize I had been holding. Trying to relax, trying to allow myself room to breathe telling myself I was ok. That things were ok. It hurt to think that he didn’t understand how I couldn’t sleep with them. How I couldn’t sleep with them holding me, how it was never restful but almost always terrifying and the only reason I even managed to close my eyes on those nights was because of pure exhaustion. Because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to function even though my brain was never able to shut off on those nights. The nightmares and thoughts racing around my head like a car on a racetrack that had to go an unlimited number of rounds in order to win the race, a race that never ended.  
I spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between reading and napping in my bed at one point getting a visit from Laura who cuddled up to me napping with me. The next time I heard the elevator when it opened there was a lot of chatter and laughing as the kids came upstairs from school I managed to get up and go out into the living room stopping and grabbing some Tylenol to help my aching body.

  
“Stop it James that tickles,” I heard Catty laugh as I came out into the kitchen area to see James standing behind her tickling her, her French braid bobbing up and down with her laugher as he reached under her armpit his fingers brushing her sides feather light.

  
“James are you being nice?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, he is,” Catty said, “How are you?”

  
“I’m good and how you guys?” I asked sitting down in an empty seat next to Mike.

  
“Good, have some math homework,” Mike said pulling his math workbook out of his bag and putting it on the table in front of him.

  
“I have some news,” I said.

  
“What?” Matt asked as everyone stop to look at me and I heard a voice clear behind me.

  
“Will, there you are I was wondering where you were,” I said, “Come here I have some news I need to share with everyone.”

  
“I’ve been in my room dude, I have homework,” Will answered, “What’s your news?”

  
“Why didn’t you wake me up when you got home?” I asked.

  
“Because you’re injured and if you remember it wasn’t that long ago I was pretty injured so I figured you’d want to sleep,” Will said, “What’s the news?”

  
“Da said that Mum is doing better and he’s hoping that in a week or two mum will be ready to come home,” I said looking at everyone as both James and Catty let out excited shrieks.

  
“Mummy’s coming home?” James asked his eyes wide.

  
“Now, I didn’t say that,” I answered, “I said he’s hoping she’ll be able to come home not that she is for sure but I want her to come home and I know all of you miss her as much as I do. So, I wanted to let you know that she’s doing better because I know Da doesn’t tell you guys anything about how she’s doing.”

  
“No, he doesn’t,” Mike said nodding his head, turning back to his homework.

  
“He does to me sometimes,” Will said.

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“Yeah he said she’s postpartum psychosis with delusional thinking. Which we all know is a lie,” Will answered leaning against the threshold.

  
“What is that?” Catty asked curious.

  
“It means that her thinking isn’t right. Like you know how we talked about the monsters under your bed and they aren’t real?” I asked Catty.

  
“Yeah, mummy thinks there are monsters under her bed?” Catty asked.

  
“Kind of, at least that’s what they are saying,” I told her.

  
“So, Mummy, doesn’t think there is monsters under the bed but Daddy is saying she does?” James asked.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “But yeah mummy is going to have a hard time when she gets home if she comes home in the next two weeks but whenever she gets here we have to be extra good ok?” I told everyone.

  
“What about if we have stuff we need to tell her?” Mike asked quietly not looking up at us even though everyone else looked at him.

  
I sighed. He was talking about the stuff Da was doing, Uncle Ben was doing. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question but I knew mum shouldn’t hear about it. That her state of mind was going to be fragile because of the medication she was on because she had probably been convinced that all of things that happened weren’t real. That they were a figment of her imagination like they had the hospital staff convinced.

  
“Well,” I said, “You need to write it down in your journals. Don’t tell mum about it yet. We’ll let her get home and let things to get more normal before we tell her all of that stuff ok?”

 

“Ok,” Mike said, “What about…”

  
“Mikey...” Matt said his voice sounding off as I looked over to see Matt shaking his head at Mike as if telling him to keep his mouth shut. To not say anything else.

  
“Matt something wrong?” Will asked.

  
“No,” Matt answered smiling up at Will, “Can you help me with this math problem?”

  
“Sure, Matt but, I want to know what that was. You care to explain Mike?” Will said.

  
“It’s nothing,” he said quietly turning back to his homework as Will shot me a look.

  
“Hey, anyone thirsty?” I asked standing up and going do the kitchen, “I’m going to grab some juice boxes. Mike, can you help me carry them?”

  
“Yeah,” he said getting up and walking with me to the kitchen.

  
I started handing him Juice boxes, “Can you tell me what you were going to say?”

  
“No, he’ll be mad,” Mike answered.

  
“Who? Matty?” I asked and was met by silence, “If he’s hurting you like Uncle Ben hurts you and like Da you need to tell me ok?”

  
“It’s not like them it’s different. Uncle Ben he…he used to make him but now Matty wants to and I don’t like it. I don’t like him anymore,” Mike told me.

  
“Want to what? Do stuff to you?” I asked.

  
“Stick his thing in my mouth while Uncle Ben is… it feels weird and slimy and I don’t like it and sometimes it hurts and feels full and gross and makes me cry and he won’t stop. Not until it’s super sticky and it hurts,” he told me.

  
I sighed. Matty was hurting him too? I didn’t know what to do about this but it made me feel sick to my stomach. How could he do that to anyone let alone his twin brother his identical twin.

  
“Have you been spending less time with Matty?” I asked Mike.

  
“Yeah,” Mike answered, “He doesn’t want to play video game anymore just do that type of stuff so I just don’t hang out with him anymore. Can I have a different bedroom?”

  
“At night?” I asked and he nodded his head, “You have your own room. You know, that right?”

  
“He says it’s his room. That neither of them are really my room because I’m his so my room is his,” Mike told me.

  
My heart fell. Matt was hurting him and he felt like he couldn’t tell me? That he didn’t even have a room he could call his own because Matt had him convinced that he belonged to Matt so that meant everything he had was Matt’s too? This wasn’t ok. I didn’t know what I could do for him though so I sighed thinking before I said:

  
“You can sleep in my room. I have a big bed, you can take it and I’ll sleep on the floor or I can sleep in your bed it’s up to you,” I answered.

  
I didn’t look forward to giving up having a room to myself but if it meant keeping my brother safe I would do it. I just had to let Da know that I wouldn’t be in my own room just in case he decided to pay a midnight visit. I didn’t want his hands anywhere near Mike. I would be having a serious talk with Matt about keeping his hands to himself about boundaries. I mean I loved Matt but I was angry with him.

  
I was angry that he would think it was ok to force his brother to do that type of stuff when it was very obvious especially to a twin that it was something he wasn’t willing to or wanted to do. Especially when he didn’t like it happening to him. I knew I couldn’t beat him up no matter how badly I wanted to that it was wrong and the only way to deal with it was to talk it out.

  
“Can you stay with me?” He asked me, “I don’t want to be alone but…I don’t want to be with him.”

  
“Yeah, whatever you need ok?” I said patting him on the shoulder, “Let’s go get these juice boxes out to all my hard workers huh?”

  
We walked back out into the dining room passing out the juice boxes. I helped everyone with homework and then helped Alice serve dinner. When it was done I started gathering plates.

  
“Hey Matt, can you help me clean up, I’ll wash you dry?” I asked.

  
“Sure,” Matt said frowning at me because that was usually an activity that Will and I did together but he got up grabbing some plates and taking them into the kitchen with me putting them in the sink.

  
“So…” I said not sure where to start, “I talked to Mike.”

  
“Yeah?” Matt asked looking at me.

  
“You know what Uncle Ben does, what Uncle Ben makes you do. That’s wrong you can’t do that to people,” I said looking at him as I handed him a plate.

  
“Why not? They do it to me,” he said no emotion on his face or in his eyes shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Because we don’t hurt people like that. If someone says they want to do those things with you that’s different but if you can clearly tell they are not ok with it, you don’t do it. You keep your hands to yourself you understand?” I said quietly.

  
“Why? If you just relax it doesn’t feel bad. It can even feel good,” Matt said as I handed him another plate to dry.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “No it doesn’t.”

  
“Yeah it kind of does,” Matt argued with me.

  
“No, Matt it doesn’t. Not everyone feels that way about it. Mike doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want you doing those things to him. He wants you to stop,” I told him, “And you’re going to. If you can’t keep your hands to yourself I’m going to tell Da and you know Da and his rules.”

  
“You wouldn’t,” Matt said stopping looking at me.

  
“I will if it is the only way to get you to stop,” I warned him, “You keep your hands to yourself.”

  
“I’m sorry ok John? I’m sorry but I don’t…Uncle Ben told me to practice so I’d get better at it. So, I’ve been trying to practice just like he said,” Matt told me.

  
“I don’t care what Uncle Ben told you. That is something that is not ok and you need to understand when someone says no even if they don’t verbally say it you need to respect that. And I know you can read people you’ve always been good at reading people Matt. You can read me like I’m an open book and you’re nine years old. I know you aren’t stupid. In fact, I think you’re a lot smarter than me or anyone else wants you to be. So, I know you very clearly understand me. Pay close attention; you will keep your hands to yourself or I will turn you in to Da and Da will get Arthur or whoever else to beat the living shit out of you. They will hang you up by your arms from the ceiling and they will whip any insubordination out of you. You understand me?” I said quietly.

  
“Yes, I understand,” Matt said, “He told me to though you know?”

  
“I don’t care what he told you,” I answered, “You keep your hands to yourself. That means Mike, that means Andy, Mac, James all of them. And don’t think I’m excluding our sisters from that list because they are at the very top of it. I hear of you touching anyone I will tell Da and I will tell Mum and you will not be happy. And if they don’t do anything about it… I love you. I swear I love you with all of me but I will if they don’t.”

  
“Yeah, got it can I go?” He asked me his statue of arrogance not changing even a little.

  
“Yes, he’s sleeping in my room until I can trust you again or he feels safe in his own room,” I added.

  
“Whatever,” Matt said walking away.

  
I finished the dishes by myself. I hadn’t meant to get that angry with him. I hadn’t meant to threaten him but I didn’t see how he would understand it any other way.

  
He obviously didn’t see a problem with hurting people so the only way I saw to make him understand was to threaten him. It didn’t make me feel good about myself but he knew my Da well enough to know that making Da angry was something he didn’t want to do. After I finished the dishes I helped Will get the babies settled into the nursery and read both James and Catty a bedtime story before tucking them into bed. Around 8:30 it was time for Matt and Mike to go to bed so I went to bed early with Mike who apparently wanted a bedtime story which was something he didn’t usually request anymore and we ended up falling asleep peacefully. I was surprised that Vic hadn’t stopped by because he said that he was going to but I expected I would probably be going to school in the morning so set my alarm.

  
When my alarm went off I told Mike to go back to sleep as I got up and ready for school. When I got on the bus all three of my friend stared at me like they had seen a ghost. I wasn’t sure why they were staring at me like that considering I was wearing my uniform so it wasn’t like my bruises were showing other than the one across my nose and eyes from my very broken nose.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Who did you get into a fight with?” Dom asked me.

  
“It doesn’t matter. I’m fine,” I answered, “How are you?”

  
“I’m all right,” Dom said, “Like seriously though, what happened.”

  
“It doesn’t matter,” I said again shaking my head as Pat stared at me silent his eyebrows raised.

  
“Will you all stop staring at me like that please? It’s just a broken nose. I’m fine really,” I said again.

  
“Huh,” Cole said, “Usually if someone keeps saying they are fine the way you are saying it. It points to things not being fine, just saying…”

  
“I’ll talk to you about it later all right?” I said looking around the bus noticing Dick watching us. I didn’t want Dick to know even though something told me he already did. That his Da had probably told him all about it and I wasn’t ready to be teased about it by him.

  
“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “So anything interesting happen?”

  
“Not really?” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know home is home. I spent most of yesterday sleeping actually.”

  
“I bet,” Dom muttered under his breath earning him an elbow jab to the ribs from Pat which caused him to cough and shoot Pat a dirty look.

  
“Does it look that bad?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Dom said, “It looks like someone slammed your face repeatedly into a wall.”

  
“So, it’s that bad?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, just tell people you took up boxing and your first lesson didn’t go well,” Cole said trying not to laugh.

  
“Yeah, real funny,” I said shaking my head.

  
“You really shouldn’t have come to school,” Pat said quietly, “Not like this.”

  
“It’s fine,” I said again even though my anxiety started to sky rocket. What if I was supposed to stay home and just didn’t know it? Should I have stayed home at least until the bruising and swelling my face went down? I had no idea but I felt like I was making a huge mistake.

  
As the bus stopped everyone stared at me as I passed them waiting for me to get off the bus and I disappeared as quickly as I could. I went back into our spot making sure I got lost so I could try to relax. I figured they were behind me somewhere yet I still jumped as Tosh came through the bushes in front of me.

  
“Holy fuck,” Tosh said seeing my face, “What did you do?”

  
“I didn’t do anything. I’m fine really, it’s a broken nose. It’s a fucking broken nose. Don’t act like you’ve never heard of broken nose happening. They happen, ok? I just broke my fucking nose,” I kept repeating as he shook his head at me and Pat finally stumbled through the bushes grabbing me by the arm.

  
“Come here,” he said pulling me farther away into our little clearing in the back away from where everyone else congregated usually, “What happened?”

  
“Leo found out from my Da we were skipping Mondays. Because I’m Leo’s until after school I guess. Da and him decided it was his right to punish me and he did ok? I won’t be skipping again.” I answered, “Can I have a smoke?”

  
“Sure,” Pat answered digging the pack out and handing me one, “What was your punishment getting the snot beat out of you by Mike Tyson?”

  
“Not exactly, no,” I sighed undoing the button around my wrist showing him the bandage.

  
“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me.

  
“Some guy,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I feel like an idiot ok? I don’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Rabbit, please,” Pat said shaking his head at me cupping my cheek tenderly causing me to hiss in pain.

  
“It hurts, my face hurts,” I told him as he pulled his hand back.

  
“Sorry,” he told me, “What else did they do?”

  
“I’m too tired to talk about it,” I answered, “Handcuffs were involved and it hurt a lot. I screamed and the guy fucking socked me repeatedly in the stomach so I apparently have bruised ribs too which make it hurt to breathe.”

  
“You shouldn’t be at school you should be home. I’m allowed to come see you after school on Wednesdays you should have just stayed home. I would have told everyone what was up after I got home from seeing you. If it hurts to breathe you shouldn’t be here.” Pat told me.

  
“I couldn’t stay home ok? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of it just being them. I wanted to see you and I wanted to see you now. I didn’t want to wait until after school ok? I’m fine if it gets too hard I’ll go to the nurse and go home, all right?” I promised Pat.  
“You know how much attention your face is going to draw? You have a healing split lip and two black eyes. I’m surprised your nose isn’t crooked,” he told me.

  
“It was,” I said remembering how Vic had said he had reset my nose, “Apparently Vic had to pop it back into place so I guess we’ll see how bad it looks after it heals.”

  
“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me again.

  
“Leo had some guy come over. He said they were going to play which obviously never means anything good but I was kind of ready for it until the dude literally socked me in the face and then the stomach and handcuffed me to the headboard. He was rough, he hurt. He bit me a couple times it wasn’t very nice and I’d rather forget it happened because my body won’t be forgetting anytime soon.” I answered as the bell rang calling us to Mass.

  
“Rabbit, seriously are you ok?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Mostly mad,” I answered honestly, “Sore and worried about some other stuff going on. Stuff with Matt and Mike. Matt is apparently not being very nice to Mike. Like Matt is really fucked up in the head and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  
“What do you mean?” Pat asked, “You think he’s like them?”

  
“Like my uncle and Da you mean? Like the brotherhood? Maybe, I don’t know. He’s just he’s weird. Alice said he’s on medication but he just started taking it so I don’t know if it will help him any but I feel like he’s dangerous.” I told Pat.

  
“Just watch him,” Pat told him, “come on let’s hurry up and get in before the door is locked.”

  
We made it just before the chapel door shut. I don’t even remember what mass was about however I did apparently fall asleep more than once earning myself a kicked shin a couple of times and a smacked leg by Pat who was trying to keep me awake and keep me from getting into trouble. I sighed standing when it was time to stand and almost falling over the room spinning because I was just that tired and my body was that sore Pat catching me with the help of Cole.

  
“Yeah, nope we’re taking you to the nurse and you’re going to go home,” Cole said pulling one of my arms around his shoulder while Pat did the same with the other one.

  
“I don’t want to go home,” I answered.

  
“Too bad. I’ll come see you after school all right?” Pat said and I sighed nodding my head causing the room to spin.

  
“Boys what is this?” I heard a voice that made my blood run cold say.

  
“He’s not feeling well Father we’re taking him to the nurse,” Cole answered his eyes glancing at Pat all of us facing forward away from him.

  
“I can take him,” Father McClairen said forcing Pat to grip my side tightly almost causing me to scream out in pain.

  
“No, we have him we’re ok,” Pat said taking a step forward nodding at Cole to do the same.

  
“No, you need to get to class,” Father McClairen said grabbing me around the waist to separate me from them.

  
“No,” Pat said turning around to face Father McClairen, “Really father it’s fine.”

  
“I’ll take him Mr. Kingly. It’s not a big deal,” Father McClairen said again.

  
“Gus,” Pat said barely loud enough for me to hear, “seriously don’t.”

  
“But I want to,” McClairen said just as quietly, “He’s fun. You could play with us. I have a free period right now. I know you want to, feel his skin on your skin, taste him, swallow that sweet juice? Just play with him a little bit and then we can send him home.”

  
I shook my head trying to pull away, pull forward out of Gus’s grasps making him hold tighter my clothes rubbing against the scratches on my hips. He was going to do this at school? I couldn’t deal with it at school. My body was beyond sore I didn’t think I was even capable of getting hard I was so sore. Pat and Cole had been right. I shouldn’t have come to school not when I was this injured.

  
“Father McClairen what is going on here?” I heard an old wheezing voice that I knew.

  
“Taking the boy to the nurse’s office Father Dunbee,” he answered.

  
“I’m sure his friends have it handled unless of course they need my assistance,” Father Dunbee said, “You know you’re not supposed to have physical contact with students.”

  
“You are right Father I am sorry,” Gus said letting go of my hips as Pat grabbed me making sure I didn’t fall over, “I shall leave you to escort them to the nurse’s office.”

  
“My goodness child what on earth happened to you?” Father Dunbee asked looking at me.

  
“It’s nothing father,” Pat said.

  
“I was asking Mr. McGregor here,” Father Dunbee said, “Does this have to do with the list?”

  
I nodded my head in reply. I hadn’t told anyone that I had given him a list of names. The names of people who were abusing me. Who were a threat to me. Pat and Cole started moving me forward again.

  
I hadn’t realized how much energy just moving around would take with bruised ribs and a broken nose and two black eyes. I knew I was beaten up but I didn’t realize it was that badly. I had no idea that having bruised ribs could really knock the wind out of you but it did. Most people think a bruised rib isn’t a big deal and it doesn’t feel like it when you’re spending most of your time laying or sitting down, resting but once you are up and moving on your feet it gets painful really fast. Even the standing up and sitting back and forth again in the pews had knocked the breath out of me which was why I was feeling like shit. I had not been cleared to go back to school and should have probably stayed home giving myself 48 to 72 hours in order to rest and recuperate instead of deciding on my own that I was ok to go back.

  
They helped get me to the nurse’s office and laying down while someone handed me an ice pack and the nurse took off to call my Da to come take me home. Father Dunbee disappeared leaving just Pat, Cole and I.

  
“Hey,” Pat said taking the ice pack the nurse had given me for my face and holding it in his hand, “Come on take off your shirt.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“You said he hit you hard in the stomach did he bruise you anywhere?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Pat I’m fine really, just tired,” I answered.

  
“Rabbit, you’re not fine ok? You’re sick please? Just let me check. I won’t hurt you. You know I would never hurt you,” Pat said his eyes begging me harder than his words.

  
“Yeah man come on, it’s just us. It’s not big deal. We’ve seen you naked, all right?” Cole coaxed causing me to sigh realizing again how hard it was to breathe. I sighed going to go lift my arms up to pull my vest off my Tylenol having worn off causing it to hurt.

  
“Here, we got it,” Pat said grabbing the hem of my vest for me and helping me pull it over my head as Cole loosened my tie. When they got my dress shirt unbuttoned Cole lifted up the hem of me under shirt and he shouted.

  
“HOLY FUCK!” and then slapped his hand quickly over his mouth realizing he was at school.

  
I didn’t bother to look at it but I figured the red had probably turned purple and black. Pat slowly and carefully held the ice pack to my bruised ribs making me cringe, “Don’t,” I told him shaking my head wanting him to take the ice away because it was too sensitive.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat whispered, “Come on honey. If I don’t they’re going to take you to the hospital. Hell, I might break out my cell phone and call Vic right now and I know you want nothing to do with Vic right now.”

  
“I’m tired,” I mumbled.

  
“I know,” Pat said, “God you really shouldn’t be here right now,” he said grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it as he sat beside me holding the ice to my ribs, “Look I’ll come see you after school ok?”

  
The nurse came into the room, “Oh dear me,” she said looking at us, “What happened? Those are bruised ribs? You should be at home resting. I called your Da he’s dropping your little sister off next door he’ll be here in a couple of minutes. I’m making him come into the office to get you, all right? Boys, let me write you slips and then you can head to class.”

  
“Can we wait until his dad gets here?” Cole asked, “I don’t want to leave him like this.”

  
“Well, I’m sure John would like some privacy considering you have stripped him of his clothes even if you share a locker room that’s kind of up close and personal there gentlemen,” the nurse answered as we heard a knock on the office door.  
The nurse went and answered it as both Pat and Cole backed away from me a little bit as my Da came in, “You weren’t supposed to come to school today.”

  
“I wanted to see my friends and I don’t want to get behind on school work,” I answered.

  
“Yeah but those thugs did a number on you. I told you to stay home and rest. Oh kid,” he said shaking his head as he grabbed my shirt, vest and tie and then held his arms out, “Come on I have to carry you out.”

  
I sighed, not wanting him to touch me but put my arms around his neck as he lifted me, “Thank you for taking care of him sister.” he said smiling as she held the door open for him and he carried me out to the car.

  
He waited until we were out ear shot of anyone, “You know how stupid that was? How bad this makes our family look?” He asked me.

  
“I’m sorry, I thought I would be fine because you do a lot of sitting at school,” I answered, “Please don’t be mad.”

  
“You also do a lot more walking then sitting in bed,” he answered, “You shouldn’t have come. I’m taking you home and you’re out of school for the rest of the week got it? You can come back on Monday. This shit is ridiculous. Now you’re going to go home I’m going to put you to bed and then Vic is going to come over and check on you. You’re going to rest and then Friday you’re going to go to Leo’s all right?”

  
“Yes, Da,” I answered.

  
He helped me into the back seat and shut the door. I was scared. Scared that he was angry about me coming to school. Scared that he was angry I was hurt. Scared that when we got home he was going to do things to me but I was so tired and in so much pain I couldn’t really do that much, I could barely move. However, when we got home he took me up to bed and replaced the ice on my ribs with a fresh bag leaving me alone in my room, in my bed to sleep until Vic arrived. When Vic got there, he knocked letting me know he was coming in opening my door.

  
“Sorry I didn’t show up yesterday I got called away,” He told me, “So I heard you wanted to go to school?”

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“And I’m assuming that didn’t work out? Bruised ribs are no joke kid they take the wind right out of you,” Vic told me, “Let me see…,” he said as I lifted up my shirt to show him my black and blue chest and he poked it causing me to hiss in pain. “Any shortness of breath?” He asked me.

  
“Only a little,” I answered, “I felt fine yesterday other than being a little sore.”

  
“Yeah well you weren’t up and moving around yesterday, either were you?” He asked me feeling the ribs closely but gently.

  
“Not exactly no, I got up and helped my brothers and sisters with their homework and did some dishes but otherwise no,” I answered.

  
“Probably why it didn’t make you so tired or hurt so bad yesterday,” he told me taking out his stethoscope, “Now stay home. Probably until Friday or Monday. Just rest all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Do you think I’ll still…”

  
“Have to go to Leo’s?” Vic finished, “Probably. You are his contract that means whatever dates are specified in the contract are his. I can advise against it but, that doesn’t mean he won’t…”

 

“Yeah…” I said shaking my head, “I figured as much. I don’t like being contracted.”

  
“I know you don’t,” Vic answered, “Are you really sore anywhere else besides your face and your ribs?”

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“Leo must have been really angry with you to have someone come over and treat you like this. You’re lucky nothing is broken. Can I ask was he very violent sexually?” Leo asked me.

  
“No, I mean a little bit but not too bad I guess. Like I said before he didn’t whip me or anything like that. I prefer what he did to…,” I looked down at my hands not wanting to look Vic in the face not wanting to admit the worst part of it. Not wanting to talk about that part again.

  
“Skipping must have made Leo really angry,” Vic told me.

  
“I told my Da why I did it and he…” I felt like I was going to start crying swallowing back my tears, “He didn’t get it. I spend all weekend with Leo, trapped with Leo against my skin and I can’t breathe and then I’m so tired. I’m just so tired and Monday I come home and Da he spends the night with me. He told me he knows Leo lets me sleep but it feels like I don’t. From Thursday night to Tuesday I feel like I’m not sleeping I’m so tired all of the time that I can’t even keep up with the kids anymore. It’s hard to sleep with them next to me. Like my brain won’t shut off all the way because…”

  
“Because you’re afraid they’re going to do things to you?” Vic asked me.

  
“They have,” I answered, “Sometimes it’s huh, it makes it hard to actually fall asleep. Leo likes to wake me up and do things. Da doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand that I can’t sleep with them in the room with me. That I can’t rest.”

  
“Yeah, he thinks he’s being nice trying to comfort you and really, he’s causing you major anxiety,” Vic answered, “I can’t get him to stop though. To let you sleep alone.”

  
“Leo is worse,” I answered, “At his house he makes me. I can’t sleep anywhere but with him. Sometimes he’ll work in the office until late and then he’ll wake me up. He’ll make me look at him while…”

  
“John, you need to breathe ok?” Vic said, “They really have you wound tight don’t they? You’re shaking.”

  
“I…” I tried to speak but I couldn’t. Vic was right they had me wound tight every second my mind racing reeling, praying they would just leave me alone that they wouldn’t hurt me anymore, touch me anymore.

  
“Hey, John you’re safe I promise,” Vic said, “I’m not going to hurt you, all right? You can tell me anything you need to but I think I need to try you on some sleep medication and anti-anxiety all right?”

  
“I do that I’ll get foggy and they...” I answered.

  
“John, they’re going to do it anyway ok? If you take the pills it will help,” Vic told me, “I take pills. To help me sleep, to help me deal with things.”

  
“If I do that I’ll be foggy and I won’t be able to protect them, my siblings. I can’t do that. Mum is coming back and she’ll be like that. I can’t do that to them. They need someone Vic he’s doing bad things really bad things he’s letting Uncle Ben rape Mike and Matt and Matty is sick. He’s so sick. There is something wrong with him and then he’s spending the night with Will when he’s not with me. He’s letting Mr. Lord see James and Hank give gifts to Andy and Mac and it’s just going so bad. I need mum back and I can’t be foggy,” I rambled.

  
“The pills will help you separate. Give your brain a break so you can deal with things better,” Vic said quietly.

  
“I can’t,” I said, “No matter what they do I can’t do that.”

  
“John, you can’t keep going like this you’ll end up back in the hospital,” Vic said quietly.

  
“No, I won’t. I won’t let that happen. I just need to try harder to…” I sighed my body stopped shaking.

  
“To what please them so they don’t do that?” Vic asked me, “You’ll never please them. The only way you’ll ever please them is by doing what you’re doing and even than it won’t ever be enough. John, honestly the only way to get you out of this for right now is to give you medication.”

  
“I can’t,” I said taking the ice pack from Vic and putting it back on my chest, “I’ll be fine.”

  
“John, you need to…”

  
“I’m fucking tired of people telling me what I need to do! I’m sorry I said anything! I’ll stay home this week ok? I’ll see Pat after school I’ll fucking go to Leo’s Friday and bend the fuck over so he can do whatever the fuck he wants and I’ll keep my mouth shut ok?” I hissed.

  
I felt done. I was tired. I didn’t want anyone telling me that drugs were the only way to handle this, to make me numb so they didn’t bother me. I knew it was probably true but I knew it wasn’t an option I had. That I needed to find something else, anything else. That maybe that’s why people went sour was because they were looking for another way.

  
“John,” Vic said again, “You can’t keep going like this.”

  
“Yeah I can. I will. As long as I’m not in that fucking hospital where Neal spent all night sucking on my dick until it hurt to piss I’ll be fine,” I answered trying to sit up as Leo pushed me back down.

  
I closed my eyes. It was the first time his hand was making contact with my skin like that without me being drugged or too sick to move. My breath left my body feeling his hand against me making me feel frozen inside. I knew logically he wasn’t going to hurt me, that he didn’t want to do those things to me but emotionally I felt he couldn’t be trusted. That he was just like everyone else. That he wanted to bury his tongue deep in my ass again make me scream and shiver, make me wish I were dead.

  
“John, you need to just stay calm,” he said and must have seen the look on my face, read my body language because then he removed his hand from my chest backing away giving me space, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you are you ok?”  
“Yes, I’m ok,” I answered sitting up slowly.

  
“Ok,” he said, “Does that happen a lot?”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“That startle reaction when someone touches you?” He asked me.

  
“I guess, it just kind of feels like my chest gets tight and I’m ready for …”

  
“Someone to touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched?” Vic asked.

  
I nodded my head slowly, “Does that mean there’s something wrong?”

  
“No, it’s normal considering your circumstances,” Vic assured me, “It’s unfortunate but normal. Anyone you don’t feel that way with? That anxiety?”

  
“Pat, my siblings. Dom and Cole. But if I can’t see who it is sometimes it happens anyway. I smacked Will once on accident because he snuck up on me. I was kind of just hanging out in the park and he came up behind me and me kind of smacked him in the face before I realized it was him. It was back in Montana.”

  
“Sounds exciting,” Vic commented.

  
“Yeah mum and Will weren’t happy and I ended up going to therapy twice a week for the next month or so,” I answered.

  
“Ok well, I have to take off, please stay home and rest, don’t worry about school work ok? Just try and save your strength. I’ll talk to your dad about giving you time to heal all right?” Vic said looking at his watch and standing up. He left once again shutting the door behind him. I rolled over, it taking almost no time for me to fall back to sleep.


	30. 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes home to get some serious much needed rest. He finds out things that have been happening at home while he's been spending time with Leo. Will walks in on some alone time with Pat and then later John is confronted by Da in a very invasive way. Away that makes his skin crawl and makes him feel dirty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 579 to 604. The 30th chapter on my birthday! So fun. Since I'm stuck home sick I might as well take joy and celebrate in my own little way so there you go. Happy birthday me! **Warnings: Consensual under age kissing, consensual underage touching, mental health issues, break down, talk of eating problems, RAPE/Non-con, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of drug use and other delinquent behaviors.**

I didn’t wake up until after school was out because the next thing I knew I heard two voices whispering quietly around me talking about math and then the conversation switched.

  
“Has he been asleep long you think?” Pat asked quietly.

  
“Yeah I’m pretty sure he’s been asleep since before I got home. It was dumb of him to try and go to school today,” Will answered him, “Hey can you help me find x here?”

  
“Yeah. I also gave him a cigarette. I wasn’t really thinking about it at the time but it probably wasn’t a good idea,” Pat answered him, “Here, now you want to take well if 3x+23y=-4 you need to apply -23y to each side and 23y-23y would be 0, right?”

  
“Yeah,” Will answered.

  
“Ok so what would -23y be added to -4?” Pat said.

  
“Huh, not sure that’s right sounds more like it would be 3x=-4 -23y so that would be like -23y divided by 3 and then minus 4 divided by 3 and that would mean that x is…” they were quiet for a second.

  
“Yeah that’s right,” Pat said, “You know better than I do so quit asking me to help you.”

  
“Just because I’m catching on doesn’t mean I’m better at it then you are,” Will said as I rolled over stretching.

  
“Hey Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “how are you feeling?”

  
“Still sore and tired,” I answered, “How was school?”

  
“You didn’t miss much,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “Everyone was worried about you.”

  
“Who is everyone?” I asked.

  
“Bunch of random people I don’t even remember their names and then Dick and Chad actually asked about you and made some comments I don’t care to repeat. Luke the T.A asked if you got home all right because he heard from Father Dunbee you weren’t feeling well. Jesus said he thought you’d been in an MMA fight because your face looks that bad. I told him he should see the other guy,” Pat said smiling, “You’re the talk of the whole school.”

  
“Awesome well, Vic said I’m not allowed back in school until Monday,” I answered.

  
“And everything else? You’re Da bother you?” He asked me.

  
“No, no one’s bothered me. I think Da has me strictly on a no bother list for right now because I haven’t seen any littles at all so…,” I sighed.

  
“Well, good it means you’re getting rest which you obviously need,” Pat told me climbing onto the bed next to me, “You feel like you got any sleep?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I don’t know it’s just really hard to sleep sometimes you know?”

  
“Yeah, I know,” Pat said.

  
Will looked up at us a weird look on his face, “Can I ask you guys a question?”

  
“Sure,” Pat said, “What’s up?”

  
“Do, you ever just like get angry about everything?” Will asked.

  
“All the time,” Pat answered.

  
“Yeah. I’m angry a lot,” I answered, “I just try to remind myself that it’s not anyone’s fault really. That I can’t take it out on random people who don’t deserve to be treated badly.”

  
“I find it hard to be nice sometimes,” Will said, “I’m sorry if I was ever mean to you before John, that I didn’t get it. I understand now.”

  
“It’s ok Will,” I answered, “You think he’s going to come see you tonight?”

  
Will exhaled deeply looking at his math book like it had become the most interesting thing in the world, “I know he will.”

  
“Now see that makes me really mad,” Pat said, “You don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Is that why he gave you two different beds? Queen sized beds?”

  
“I think so,” I answered, “Will? Maybe Mike should sleep with you tonight.”

  
It seemed like the prefect answer. It would keep Matt from doing things to Mike and make it less likely for Da to do things to Will if Mike was there because Mike was under the age Da really seemed to like. Da seemed to prefer Will and I to anyone else at least when it came to actual intercourse. It seemed like an answer that might work.

  
“I don’t know John. Wouldn’t that mean Da would come to you?” Will asked me.

  
“I don’t know but it’s better than you. I mean if he’s not with me he’s with you right? That means all weekend he’s with you right?” I asked.

  
“huh,” Will sighed, “Mostly.”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked scared.

  
“He said he’s …John?” Will said and I saw something was seriously wrong. Something I hadn’t even guessed at because usually Will would tell me just about anything. I was afraid it was about Cat because Cat seemed to be the only one that wasn’t being subjected to some type of abuse or wasn’t being prepared for future abuse.

  
“It’s Cat, isn’t it?” I asked him.

  
“I caught him in her room with her. He wasn’t touching her but they were both naked and he was telling her about different parts. How he’s different from her, how we’re different from her. He was sitting on her bed her knees pulled up to her chest looking at them as he spoke. Like she knew it wasn’t ok but she knew she couldn’t do anything to tell him how uncomfortable she was,” Will told me.

  
“Eww,” Pat said.

  
I laughed lightly, “Babe not helping.”

  
“Sorry, it’s gross. I don’t know I’ve never dealt with one that touched little girls before. I know my Dad didn’t for sure. Maybe if he did Karen wouldn’t be such a bitch,” Pat said laying his head gently in my lap.

  
“How is she doing by the way?” Will asked.

  
“Last weekend we went over to the Larkin’ house because she got engaged to Louis Larkin,” Pat answered me.

  
“Wait Larkin as in…?” Will interrupted.

  
“Yes, Teddy’s brother. It’s disgusting and dealing with their mom. Dinner was not something I really enjoyed considering how crazy she is. Even though I wasn’t thrilled with Louis either. He’s definitely recruit track. Every time he got me alone he was skeevy.

I wanted to beat his brains in,” Pat told me.

  
“What did he say?” Will asked.

  
“It’s not important,” Pat said sighing against me hugging my legs where his head was laying.

  
“Oh,” Will said nodding his head in understanding.

  
I didn’t know the Larkins well but I had met Susan and she was a piece of work. I knew Will knew them. He knew Teddy and from what I had heard about him he was a good kid but a spaz. I guess Louis was the opposite. I sighed wondering if Karen knew what she was getting into.

  
“Hey, you ok Rabbit?” Pat asked me rubbing my knee, “Your leg is twitching.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’m all right.”

  
Thinking about recruits had made me think about Chad. Think about how I hadn’t told Will what had happened. In fact, I hadn’t given anyone any details at all even though apparently from what I understood Chad had and so had Dick. They enjoyed sharing that information in order to piss off my friends.

  
Will probably knew Chad had raped me. Everyone knew he had raped me but I hadn’t spoken about it. I refused to really address or the fact that every time I saw Chad I felt like there was a bowling ball in my stomach and I wanted to pull a cloak of invisibility over my head and just disappear. However, everyone knew. They could probably see it written on my face whenever he got within twenty feet of me.

  
“How did you keep from beating his brains in?” Will asked.

  
“I honestly don’t know besides after dinner I was slightly busy so,” Pat sighed into my legs.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine, I smoked some weed after it was all over so I was chilled. Feels kind of like a dream after I do that. Like my brain remembers it if I think about it but if I don’t it’s like it didn’t happen or I was watching a horrible movie where I can recall little bits and pieces but not the whole picture and nothing intense so…yeah, I smoke a lot of weed,” Pat said.

  
“Sort of like when you’re a kid and you go away in your head?” Will asked Pat.

  
“Yeah kind of,” Pat answered, “I don’t know. It doesn’t work as well as that did but it helps a lot. I can give you guys some next time we hang out if you want. See if it helps?” He asked Will grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

  
“Maybe,” Will answered, “I don’t know. I mean, would it really help us? With Da and all that it’s pretty constant.”

  
“It might. You never know until you try it,” Pat answered, “It helps me. I mean I know my situation is a bit different from the one you guys have going on but since Hunter introduced me to weed I’ve gotten off the coke and K. So that’s good, right? And I don’t need to drink anymore not that drinking was a huge problem for me but the weed helps makes me less anxious. It helps me with attention at school too. Helps me block out things like I said, not really forget them but makes everything feel kind of foggy and far away.”

  
“I might try it,” Will answered.

  
“I will,” I answered, “If you can get me some.”

  
“Yeah,” Pat answered, “I can get you some Rabbit no problem.”

  
“Ok I’m not saying I mind but I think it’s weird that you’re laying in his lap. Usually isn’t it the other way around?” Will asked raising an eyebrow at us.

  
“Yeah but he has bruised ribs bending and moving isn’t something that is coming easy for him right now and I want to cuddle so…” Pat said, “That and he has a huge boner that’s kind of poking me in the back of the head right now and I figured you didn’t need to see that so…”

  
“PAT!” I gasped, “He doesn’t need to know that.”

  
“Chill out we’re teenage boys he’s one too. You could get it up in English class for catcher in the Rye for no reason other than your body wants to pop one and let’s face it nothing is hot about English class and Father Dunbee’s droning monotone voice,” Pat answered laughing.

  
“True he’s still my little brother though,” I answered shaking my head.

  
“Yeah, I am your little brother and while I might be early in the game I know somethings,” Will said smiling, “You two are really great friends since your using your head to hide his random boner…”

  
Both Pat and Will started laughing which caused me to laugh, “Dude it’s not funny!” I insisted.

  
“Totally is,” Will said, “Dude have you ever just like had it happen in the middle of nowhere? Like I don’t even have to think about sex. I can be doing math homework and it happens and it sucks.”

  
“Oh yeah, the first time I got one I was confused as fuck because I thought only adult men could do that so then I asked the only person I knew to ask. My Dad, he then got really excited and then he…” Pat exhaled deeply shaking his head, “But yeah he explained it was perfectly normal but then he tried to convince me it was normal to let him “take care of it” for me and just no…”

  
“Was your Da with you the first time you ever…?” Will started to ask shyly.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said, “I try not to think about it because it makes me want to throw up but yeah. What about you Rabbit?”

  
“Yes,” I answered, “Why have you done that yet?”

  
We were talking about ejaculation in case anyone hasn’t caught that. In the brotherhood, it was a common thing that happened your Da helping you achieve that very first climax and it sucked. It was embarrassing and a very invasive mind fuck. Will was only 11 at the time so you have to remember his body was fairly new to puberty while mine wasn’t exactly old but I had about a year or so more development then he did being around his age the first time I did ever ejaculate.

  
Will nodded his head and sighed, “It seems to make him happy.”

  
“Yeah it does, doesn’t it?” I asked feeling myself turn red remembering those moments, how happy they had made him. How I had felt like such a horrible person because my Da was able to make me feel that, react that way.

  
“Dude, let’s talk about something less depressing,” Pat said, “Have you either of you actually played Silent Hill yet? Because it came out around the time you guys left for Montana.”

  
“I’ve played a little of it. it’s hard to get Matty off the PlayStation but I try,” Will answered, “Like I’m still literally at the café looking for the little girl because that’s how much play time I can actually manage to get.”

  
“I haven’t had a lot of time to really play any games,” I answered, “I don’t know. I’ve read some Harry Potter Cat and James seem to really like it so…”

  
“What else have you been doing? You have to be doing something more interesting with your free time then reading children’s books,” Pat said teasing me.

  
“Well, in my spare time I’m surrounded by little kids so…I don’t know. I was spending time playing solitaire online for a while but that’s…” I trailed off.

  
“Ok Rabbit, man we’re going to have to go like an afterschool get together at some point, take you swimming or something,” Pat muttered.

  
“I don’t want to go anywhere near a pool with you two,” Will said, “Not after last time I saw you two in a pool together.”

  
“Hey that was a spontaneous welcome back,” Pat said, “You weren’t supposed to see that. It probably shouldn’t have happened at all.”

  
“Sure,” Will said coughing, “Are you two like a thing still or…”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked.

  
“Like are you two still dating or was that like a before Montana thing? Because from the looks of it you have to be really really close friends or there’s still some stuff going on there,” Will said shaking his head.

  
“Hey, I’ll have you know his boner is gone,” Pat said from my lap laughing as he said it, “Huh, we’re both contracted so that means no touchy but emotionally I think we’re still kind of in the same place we left off what do you think Rabbit?”

  
I sighed looking down at his eyes. His eyes the color of ocean meets sky meets some type of amazing rock I couldn’t name. His face, the arch of his eyebrows and his long lashes that accented his eyes making it look almost like he was wearing eyeliner. Those eyes I could get lost in with that strong chin yet delicate features that always made me heart jump and stomach flutter. It was true. We were still together. His hands were the only hands that made me feel safe, feel loved and wanted for who I was and not for the body I was trapped in.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head slowly as he smiled biting his lower lip his lip ring shifting under his teeth. God, I loved him. That’s all I remember thinking at that point.

  
“Since I got back Cole has been like so not into me,” Will said glumly, “I think he’s in love with Tosh.”

  
“You’re too young anyway,” I answered him not looking up my eyes still on Pat.

  
“Hey no kissy face!” Will said loudly, “I know I’m young but still it was nice to have someone to kind of…you know.”

  
“Wait,” I said looking up at him frowning, “What does that mean?”

  
“Make out with,” Will answered running a hand through his hair sheepishly, “What did you think I meant? Just because you’ve gone farther doesn’t mean I have.”

  
“We haven’t, not really remember we’ve talked about this,” I told Will.

  
“Yeah but sometimes I wonder how much you actually tell me,” Will said.

  
“I tell you more than I tell most people besides Pat and Dom. But Dom is like, I don’t know he’s my best friend I think,” I said running a hand through Pat’s hair as he looked up at me.

  
“Yeah you two are two peas in a pod,” Pat said smiling at me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “It’s easy to talk to him about things. Sometimes we don’t even have to say something for him to understand. You’re like that too though at least most of the time.”

  
“I try,” Pat told me, “I really do. There’s just so much you don’t say sometimes. Especially about Leo.”

  
I flinched hearing his name. I didn’t want to think about him or Allan or how I was off missing school because I had chosen to skip school because I couldn’t sleep with him so close to me. I couldn’t really rest when I had to share a bed with him Friday through Sunday. I hated Leo.

  
“Hey, it’s ok all right?” Pat said sitting up, “You’re all right.”

  
“I know I just don’t like thinking about him, that,” I answered.

  
“Sounds about right,” Will said, “I hate Da. I hate that he’s right downstairs. I hate that he won’t keep his hands to himself because mum isn’t here. I think that’s why he sent her a way you know?”

  
“I know,” I answered, “I think you’re right. I mean it’s not like mum could stop him but he sure hears a lot less “I’m going to take them and leave you” if she’s not here.”

  
“Yeah,” Will said, “When she comes back do you think she’ll be ok?”

  
“I don’t know. Last time I saw her I’m not sure if she didn’t see me or if she’s so drugged up she didn’t know who I was. So, I guess it just depends. Those drugs can really do a number on you.” I answered.

  
“Oh yeah I know,” Will answered.

  
“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when she gets home. If they actually brainwashed her enough to make her think the whole thing is in her head or what,” I said.

  
“I don’t know,” Pat answered, “I don’t think she’ll be that brainwashed. Maybe she’ll just feel like there isn’t anything she can do to prevent it. I don’t know. I hope your mum doesn’t change. I might have never cut back on getting high if it weren’t for her.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked frowning.

  
“Well she said she didn’t want me and Cole around if we were going to be high all the time. So, I started cutting back because I wanted to hang out with you. That and she wouldn’t have let me anywhere near your younger brothers and sisters wasted off my ass so again. Another reason to just not do drugs or not do as many of them. So, while I think some of the stuff she said when she found out we were kind of…having feelings for each other were totally uncalled for I think your mom is awesome,” Pat told me.

  
“I’ll let her know when she comes home,” I told him, “Is it weird that I’m tired?”

  
“No considering you were an idiot earlier,” Will answered.

  
“Don’t tell your brother he’s an idiot just because he decided that going to school with bruised ribs and a black and blue face was a good idea,” Pat said laughing at me from my lap.

  
“Hey, Vic didn’t tell me I couldn’t go. He said he was going to show up and when he didn’t I thought that meant I was fine,” I insisted.

  
“No, it meant someone else got beat up worse than you did and he needed to be there for them,” Pat said, “Not that you were in the clear to go to school.”

  
“Maybe it’s time for Pat to go home and you to take a nap?” Will asked.

  
“I don’t want him to leave yet,” I answered.

  
“Well, I think dinner is just about ready so I’m going to go eat. If Pat wants to come with me and bring you some food he can but I think after that he’s supposed to go home anyway,” Will said.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said kissing my head as he got up, “I’ll be back with food all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

  
I did feel really tired even more tired now that he had left the room. I don’t know I just felt beaten. Which I was. I just wanted him against my skin to feel his hand resting on my back rubbing my shoulders massaging away my pain. When he came back in he was caring a plate of rice and Salmon. I ate it slowly not really feeling hungry and ended up full with half the food still on my plate.

  
“Rabbit, you need to finish this,” Pat said picking up my fork and trying to feed me another fork full.

  
“No, I’m not hungry now,” I answered.

  
“Please?” Pat said, “Please Rabbit you don’t eat enough. You know you don’t eat enough.”

  
“I eat just fine. Pat, you worry too much. At least I don’t look like Dom. Did you see him when we were at the Villa like two weeks ago? You could count every single one of his ribs it was scary looking.” I mumbled.

  
“How often do you look in the mirror Rabbit? You can count yours too,” Pat said looking at me.

  
“You cannot. I am not that skinny,” I answered.

  
“You are so,” he said putting my plate down on the side table next to us before he lifted up my shirt, I can count them see right here, one…” he ran a hand over my ribs as he counted out loud before he stopped looking at me his mouth slightly open.

  
“What?” I asked confused as he laid down beside me lifting up my right arm his lips brushing against the bruises on my ribs there making my body jump slightly, “You shouldn’t do that.”

  
“Why?” He asked me doing it again smiling up at me as he brought his face level with mine, “You don’t want me to?”

  
“No, you shouldn’t because I do want you do,” I sighed running a hand through my hair.

  
“You do?” He asked me.

  
“Mhm,” I said as he did it again stealing the ability to speak from me.

  
It felt so good to have his mouth against my skin even if it wasn’t anyplace forbidden. The act itself being forbidden enough. His touches and kisses stealing my breath as his lips tickled my skin, his tongue bouncing as it licked up each rib. He pulled my shirt up over my head and off of my body.

  
I almost moaned out loud biting my lip to keep the noise from escaping. It felt so good. So much better than any of them. So much warmer and softer.

  
It felt like love. Love wrapping me in a blanket coating my skin in feathers and rainbows. Love floating along my skin and finding its way underneath it and into my body. After a minute, he stopped leveling his face even with mine again kissing me his tongue rolling across mine.

  
We kissed like that for a while his hand on my hip rubbing up and down my side the warmth making me feel comfortable with my skin being touched like his hands always made me feel. I knew that we shouldn’t be doing it. That it was wrong but I didn’t care.

  
I wanted him to touch me, I wanted to put my hands down his pants. I wanted to make him breathless as he moaned my name in ecstasy but I didn’t. After a while we broke apart satisfied for the moment with what we had allowed ourselves to do.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me quietly rubbing my temple and running his hand through my hair gently.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded, “Tired but yeah I’m ok? You?”

  
“I’m great,” he said candidly, “I think I have to leave soon though.”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I wish you didn’t have to.”

  
“Me too,” he answered sighing, “But I’ll get to see you again tomorrow evening and then on Monday morning at school. You’ll be ok, right? Are you heading over to Leo’s this weekend?”

  
“Vic says he thinks so,” I answered barely above a whisper.

  
We were keeping our voices low probably because even though he was allowed over if we stayed quiet we were less likely to draw attention or so we thought. I didn’t have a shirt on while he was laying next to me both of us a little flushed very obvious we had been making out which was something we weren’t supposed to be doing. Something we weren’t allowed to do unless we wanted to risk our lives.

  
“They’re still going to make you go even with you beat to shit?” Pat asked me raising an eyebrow at me worried.

  
“Yeah it seems like it. I don’t want to go,” I answered, “I don’t want to …”

  
“I know,” Pat said, “I realize. Like me and Gus. It’s not something I want. I know what it’s like you know that right?”

  
“He doesn’t make you sleep next to him,” I said quietly.

  
Pat pursed his lips in thought for a minute that pout looking beyond kissable as his brow furrowed as if he were thinking deeply, “No,” Pat answered, “But having to sleep in Leo’s bed beats those cots at the Villa or a dirty mattress on a basement floor. I know it’s hard Rabbit. I know that he makes it so you can’t sleep and I hate him for that. For all of the stuff he does to you but I’m thankful he doesn’t do this to you,” Pat said touching my bruises.

  
“No, he just let someone else do it,” I answered.

  
“I know he did,” Pat sighed closing his eyes pressing his forehead to mine, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got you into so much trouble. I feel like this is all my fault.”

  
“No, it’s mine and Da he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get why I’m so tired why it’s so hard to sleep. He doesn’t understand what they do to me. That it’s worse it’s, so much worse when they don’t hurt and I don’t understand why they can’t see that,” I said quietly.

  
“I don’t know. I haven’t ever really had anyone be like that with me other than a handful of times when I’ve been with your Dad,” Pat said, “I can’t imagine how it feels to have them do those things. It has to be horrible.”

  
I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share it but I knew if I could trust anyone with my secrets it was him. It was always him so I swallowed, “Leo takes rods and he shoves them up…”

  
“What?” Pat asked sitting up so quickly it startled me, “He shoves rods up your ass?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Not my ass up my dick.”

  
“How?” Pat asked.

  
“I don’t know. But I know it hurts. It hurts but it doesn’t hurt and then it’s uncomfortable. It really fucking hurts. I don’t like it when he does that,” I said quietly folding in on myself thinking that Pat would think I was gross.

  
That I was some freak because someone had shoved something inside a part of me where things didn’t belong. The way it made my brain feel like it was being ripped from my body and stomped to death made me feel like a freak. The fact that my body would respond to something so weird, get pleasure from it made me feel sick to my stomach with shame.

  
Pat was silent as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders wrapping himself around the ball I had pulled myself into, “It’s ok Rabbit, it’s ok. I don’t have any idea what that is and have never heard of it before but it sounds really painful. And I’m sorry he would do something like that to you.”

  
“You don’t think I’m gross?” I asked.

  
“No,” Pat shook his head furiously, “No absolutely not. You’re not asking for him to do that to you, and you obviously don’t like it. You’re the farthest things from gross I’ve ever met Rabbit. You’re sweet and honest and kind. Anything but gross. I wish you didn’t have to go see him Friday. I have never even heard of anything like that. Does your Da know?”

  
“It doesn’t matter. I’m contracted to Leo,” I answered.

  
“I’m not sure your Da would put something like that in the contract,” Pat said, “If it’s not in the contract you’re Da can break it. If you talk to him about it if you let him know Leo is doing that and it’s not named in the contract he can pull you out of it.”

  
“He won’t,” I replied, “Vic says my Da gave me to Leo so that I would…be grateful that he doesn’t do stuff like that to me.”

  
“Maybe, either way it’s sick,” Pat said, “Your Dad is sick. That he would do that to you. Let someone do that to you. I hate your Dad.”

  
“Me too,” I answered, “You really have to go?”

  
“Yeah Rabbit I have to go but I’ll see you tomorrow after school ok?” Pat said kissing my forehead as he stood up grabbing my half empty plate, “Please try to eat tomorrow ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too Rabbit,” Pat said sighing. He shut the door quietly on his way out.

  
No one came into my room that night. I just kind of slept for the longest time until someone came stomping into my room turning the light on, blinding me. Making me roll over and moan burying my face in the pillow.

  
“Can you tell me why Mike isn’t sleeping in his own room in his own room?” Da asked me, “I get up here to spent some time with Will and I find Mike sleeping in bed with him. Can you tell me why that is?”

  
“Matt is touching him at night,” I answered, “He doesn’t want to be touched.”

 

“Yeah well who am I supposed to touch then? How am I going to get my needs met? Unless of course you want me to touch them both,” Da said climbing into bed next to me as I felt his hardness against my back realizing he was naked, “Unless I can make you feel good instead.”

  
“I’m sore,” I answered.

  
“Yeah and you wouldn’t be sore if you didn’t like skipping school so much. Maybe you should show me how sorry you are for not behaving yourself,” he said his hands sliding around me as I laid there frozen on my back his one arm circling me grabbing my hip.

  
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to stop him as he started pulling my pants down as I squinted my eyes shut tight and he started kissing my neck. I didn’t want him touching me like this, didn’t want to feel his pelvis pressed against mine, his hardness pushing against my legs as he licked my nipples causing my body to shudder in response.

  
“Yeah?” He whispered his words tickling my right nipple as he lips moved and my breathing started to become heavy. My body starting to respond to his touches as his one hand dug into my hip and his other pushed my wrists above my head.

  
I knew I was frozen. That I couldn’t move, that I probably shouldn’t anyway. My eyes probably wide and startled as I struggled to keep breathing. Wishing I could control my response to him, wishing it wasn’t so easy for him to see my physical reaction to it.

  
His kisses kept going lower and lower until that wetness surrounded me making me inhale sharply making a squeaking sound. I didn’t want him doing that. The warm wetness of his mouth overwhelming me completely my penis immediately becoming fully erect.

  
“Nice,” he said as I started dripping.

  
“Da,” I whimpered before I could stop myself, before I could bite back my protest. I didn’t want him to but I knew I wasn’t allowed to protest. I wasn’t allowed to say those words. Biting into my lip to silence myself as I felt his cold fingers press against my butt looking for the way inside me, looking to stretch me out.

  
My head started to tingle. My body starting to let go. It made it hard to fight off orgasm the heat pooling in my groin the pressure growing as I shook my head back and forth trying to will the feeling away. It got too intense the chills running up and down my spine as he pulled me out of his mouth sliding his tongue along the most sensitive part of my dick making me finally lose control my whole body trembling uncontrollably as I orgasmed. He only pulled away when I was done coming, kissing my cheek.

  
“Yeah? You like that my good boy?” He asked me, “No, no open your eyes baby.”

  
I opened my eyes looking at him. He looked happy, like he was enjoying everything. Like he enjoyed the fact that he could make me orgasm like he enjoyed sucking me off and feeling my body spasm under him. His eyes looked dark but entertained.

  
“You want to help me feel good now baby?” He asked me to push my legs apart pushing my knees up to my chest.

  
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to push him away but knew I couldn’t. So, I swallowed closing my eyes again. Willing him to go away, to not invade my body.

  
“No, no look at me baby.” He muttered. “Let me see those pretty eyes.”

  
He pushed inside of me causing me to gasp my knees shaking as he started down at me not breaking eye contact with me and he laughed lightly, “Your eyes just went so wide does it feel good? Does it feel good to be my little cum bucket? You want all of my cum don’t you baby? Want to be filled by me.”

  
I started to grow hard again. I wanted to fight and I struggled a little bit squirming. I didn’t want it. I was ashamed of it. Ashamed that I couldn’t control my body that it was giving him what he wanted.

  
“No, no, no,” he said shaking his head at me running a hand through my hair, “nice and still until we’re ready otherwise I’ll come too soon. I want us to come together ok?”

  
“Da,” I barely managed before I started sobbing, “P---pl----please.”

  
“I know baby,” he said, “I know you want this just as much as I do but we have to go nice and slow, all right? I don’t want to hurt you.”

  
He rolled his hips burying himself balls deep inside me before he slowly pulled out causing my head to roll back, “No, no baby none of that look right at me. Look into my eyes as I fill you.”

  
My whole body was shaking. He made me look at his face the whole time whispering things to me things about how he was going to make cum harder than Leo did. Telling me how I felt so good, so tight. He made me hold eye contact with him while I felt his balls slapping against my back side as he picked up his pace. He didn’t let me close my eyes until his threw his head back starting to come inside me. My whole body relented to him, my back arching and eyes rolling as I came around him gasping and shuddering.

  
“Good boy,” he mumbled kissing my ear lobe as he finally caught his breath, “That’s my baby.”

  
I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to have to look him in the face after that. While I felt his cum sliding down the back of my thighs and onto my bed covers underneath us.

  
“Let me get up and turn off the light and we’ll go to sleep huh baby?’ He said and I nodded my head without opening my eyes.

  
He curled himself around me pulling me into his chest making me feel sick to my stomach. I felt gross and dirty I wanted him to let me go but I knew he wouldn’t. I also knew better than to try and push him away. I ended up falling asleep out of pure exhaustion at some point and only woke up when I felt a hand brushing against my thigh startling me awake.

  
“Should I take of this morning wood for you baby?” He asked me his hand wrapping around my cock starting to touch me.

  
I moaned before I could stop myself still half asleep. I didn’t want him to but I knew better than to tell him to stop or that I didn’t want it. He rubbed me lightly his hands somehow finding all the right angles to make me start panting as I tried to stop my body from giving in to his touching, from reaching orgasm.

  
“No no baby don’t fight it. Just let it happen,” he said as he kept stroking nice and slow making my lip tremble as I tried to keep myself from whimpering.

  
I closed my eyes as he touched me, him bringing me to orgasm. When he was done he shoved his fingers inside of me from behind and I figured he was going to make me have sex with him. That he was going to push me down into the bed forcing himself inside of me using my body to make him orgasm. Us my body to satisfy him when someone knocked quietly on the door. They didn’t wait to open it busting in after that one knock. Will staring at us, his eyes wide, scared.

  
“Huh…” He mumbled as Da turned to look at him not taking his fingers out of me, not letting me go.

  
“Yes Will?” Da asked.

  
“Laura won’t get dressed so I was wondering if John could help me,” Will said his eyes wide with fear and worry for me as I could see him trying to remain calm.

  
“John’s a little busy Will, if you can’t see,” Da said taking his fingers out as he moved rubbing the head of his penis against my ass making me close my eyes so my little brother didn’t have to see the hopelessness there. So, he didn’t have to see me trying my hardest not to cry.

  
“Da she won’t get dressed for me. Somedays when she’s being fussy she’ll only get dressed for John,” Will said making eye contact with the clock on my wall, “Please Da it’ll be quick. And I thought you had to go to work anyway.”

  
“I took the day off because your brother needs me, don’t you baby?” He asked the nape of my neck grabbing my cock again. I made a whimpering noise in the back of my throat. This was beyond mortifying.

  
“Oh,” Will answered, “Just for a minute please Da? Just to get Laura dressed and ready for Alice before she comes.”

  
“Ok,” Da answered letting me go, “Be good ok baby? Come right back?”

  
I nodded my head numbly so relieved I couldn’t speak. All I could think of was getting out of that room if only for a second so I could breathe. We got out into the hallway Will shutting the door behind us and I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from crying.

  
“Oh god John,” Will said shaking his head, “You’re ok.”

  
I shook my head. I was not ok. Having him push his body that close against my back as I struggled to sleep was not ok. Having him inside of me was not ok, having his hands wrapped around my dick was not ok. I was very very far from ok and so beyond thankful that Will had given me some freedom if only for a few minutes.

  
“Hey, let me get you my robe. I know it’s a little short but at least you won’t be naked, right?” Will said quietly, calmly grabbing me by the hand and leading me into his bedroom grabbing his bathrobe off the hook on the inside of his door and helping me put it on, “Better?”

  
My hands were still shaking, my whole body was still shaking. I knew I needed to calm down so I didn’t scare Laura but Da said he had the day off. Made it sound like he was going to spent it with me like Leo spent days with me. I didn’t want him touching me like that. Not when tomorrow Leo got to. I felt like screaming, like crying.

  
“Hey, you’re ok,” Will said again, “Did he hurt you?”

  
I couldn’t even look at him I was so ashamed. What was I supposed to say? _"No, he made me cum? He made my eyes roll and made me pant until I wanted to beg for him to stop but that I knew I wasn’t allowed to so I had kept my mouth shut?"_

  
“Why do you think he did that?” Will questioned me quietly.

  
“Because I let Mikey spent the night in your bed. I figured it would protect you both,” I answered, “I don’t like him.”

  
“I know me neither are you going to be ok?” Will asked me.

  
“He’s going to spent the day with me,” I answered, “I …he’s never done that before. Not like Leo. Leo does it all the time.”

  
“Da can only get it up like three or four times you know that, right?” Will said as if that idea would give me some relief that he could only cum inside of me so many times.

  
“That doesn’t stop him from making me…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence it being a hard one to even utter in the first place.

  
“Wait what?” Will asked his eyes widening, “He doesn’t do that to me not like that. Are you saying he makes you orgasm until you can’t?”

  
I didn’t answer him trying to calm down, trying to not think about it. I wanted to just get Laura dressed and then go curl up in a ball and die somewhere so he couldn’t touch me.

  
“John?” Will said quietly, “Does he?”

  
“I don’t want to think about it,” I answered, “I have to deal with him and tomorrow I have to deal with Leo. I’d rather just not think about it.”

  
“Pat’s coming this afternoon after school,” Will reminded me, “You said he makes you feel better.”

  
“I’d rather slice my skin off right now. He doesn’t even let me shower Will. So, if we could just please get this done so I can…” I sighed. I didn’t want to go back in that room where he was waiting for me. Waiting to have sex with me.

  
“Come on,” Will said as we left his room and walked down the hallway opening up the nursery door where we found the biggest mess I had ever seen them make. There were clothes scattered all over the floor mixed in with tiny hot wheels and Legos, “What did you guys do in here? I was gone for like 5 minutes.”

  
“You left them out of the cribs?” I asked confused.

  
“Just Laura those two must have climbed out,” Will commented as we looked at the 3 toddlers who were staring at us from the floor two of which were dressed and ready to go and little girl that was wearing only a pull up.

  
“Ok Fire fly did you decide what you want to wear?” I asked her.

  
“This!” She said excitedly holding up a bathing suit.

  
“Huh, can we try something different?” I asked her.

  
“Ok this,” She said holding up a purple dress.

  
“Ok we’ll try that. Now you want to put your arms up for me?” I asked her and she did so.

  
I pulled the dress over her head, “Do you have to use the potty?” I asked her.

  
“No, I went,” She told me happily.

  
“Did you go like a big girl or in your pants?” I asked her.

  
“Huh,” She stopped her nose wrinkling as she thought about it, “I don’t know.”

  
“You don’t know if you went potty in your pants?” I asked her shaking my head.

  
“Yeah, I don’t know. I had to go and now I don’t,” she told me.

  
“Well did you go use the toilet?” I asked her.

  
“No,” she answered shaking her head back and forth.

  
“Ok, Will could you…” He put a pull up in my hand, “Thank you.”

  
“No problem,” Will said, “All right boys let’s get out of here and go play in the living room and wait for Alice all right?”

  
“Ok,” Andy said grabbing Will’s hand as he grabbed Mac putting him on his hip and they started walking away.

  
“Ok,” I said grabbing the wipes that were on the floor next to me, “Come here let’s change you just in case ok?”

  
“Ok,” she said nodding her head laying down and grabbing a toy.

  
I pulled off her pull up but she was clean. I was pleasantly surprised. She was a girl so she was going easier with the training then Mac and Andy were but still she was young and sometimes had accidents. I sighed giving her a fresh pull up and putting it on.  
“Ok, fire fly now you have to tell Alice when you have to go potty so you can use the big girl pot ok?” I told her.

  
“Ok, you play tea today?” She asked me.

  
“No Fire fly I got other stuff I have to do. I don’t feel good,” I answered kissing her forehead as she climbed into my lap.

  
“But you stay home so you can play?” She asked me again.

  
“No, I stayed home to sleep. I have a booboo,” I answered.

  
“On your nose?” She asked me touching my black eyes lightly.

  
“Yes,” I answered grabbing her hands and gently pulling them away from my face before she started to accidentally hurt me.

  
“Will it be forever?” She asked me.

  
“No, not forever. Just a couple days all right?” I told her.

  
“Ok then you play tea?” She asked me.

  
“I’ll find time. I get busy you know,” I told her.

  
“You busy a lot,” she answered.

  
“I know,” I responded.

  
“You play tea soon and then we have princess tea,” she told me.

  
“Ok I can do that,” I answered nodding my head.

  
Princess tea was tea party with dress up. She and Cat had crowns they would put on and beautiful dresses and they would make me wear while we sat and drank juice from their fancy play china that was only used for princess tea. I sighed not knowing when we would have the chance as I kissed her forehead again.

  
“I have to go,” I said standing up, “You’ll be good for Alice, right?”

  
“Yes, I love Alice,” Laura answered me, “I love you too.”

  
“I love you too fire fly. I have some stuff I have to do today be good,” I told her as I walked away back down the hall to my bedroom.

  
My Da was still in bed stroking himself waiting for me. I didn’t want to be back in this room with him didn’t. I didn’t want him touching me, telling me those things that made me feel like a slut. Telling me that I wanted it, that he was going to make me feel good even when I didn’t want him to.

  
“Come here baby,” he said as he stopped stroking himself opening his arms to embrace me.

  
I reluctantly approached him and he rolled over pinning me to the bed underneath him.

  
“I see your brother gave you his bathrobe?” He asked me causing me to notice the small blue robe that barely covered my lower thighs and I sighed and nodded, “You’re so quiet.”

  
“I am?” I asked not able to look him in the face.

  
“Yeah, you’re always so quiet since you got back. What did your mum do to you while you were gone?” He asked me.

  
“Nothing Da,” I answered, “I just don’t have a lot to say.”

  
“Why not though? You’re amazing but you’re more than just a perfect body with an insanely tight ass and great tasting juice you have a brain. What’s going on inside it?” He asked me cupping my cheek with his hand as he straddled me his knees pressing into my hips from the outside.

  
He started caressing my chest and collar bones as he kissed and nibbled my ear lobe. I closed my eyes trying to shut it out, shut out the way my body was starting to tingle, respond to his touch. I didn’t want this. I clenched my eyes shut keeping my eyes closed because I knew if I opened them he’d see my crying and he’d get angry.

  
“What does it feel like?” He asked me barely a whisper, “when I do this,” He ran his index finger over one of my nipples, “Tell me.”

  
“Makes it hard to breathe,” I answered.

  
“In a good way?” He asked starting to pinch it lightly.

  
“Da please,” I shook my head.

  
“I just want to make you feel good baby. Make you ready to take me so I can fill you,” he answered rolling off of me pulling me over so I was laying on my side his kisses moving across my neck and chest from one side to the other.

  
I still didn’t open my eyes trying to focus on just breathing because it hurt. My chest felt heavy and every breath burned as I tried not to cry. As I tried not to protest or push him away because I knew I wasn’t allowed to. That he would be angry if I did.

  
He pressed his lips to mine suddenly surprising me, his tongue sliding into my mouth feeling around inside of it like a slimy slug trying to worm its way down my throat. I didn’t want him kissing me like that.

  
“Kiss me,” he said after pulling away for just a second so he could look at me closely.

  
“I did,” I answered because it wasn’t like I had stopped him. I had allowed his tongue into my mouth allowed him to explore it, to prod the inside of my mouth gently with his tongue, I hadn’t pushed him away.

  
“No, you let me kiss you. That doesn’t mean you were kissing back baby,” he muttered into my neck where he started biting and kissing lightly making me tense even more. His hand started rubbing up and down my spine, “Kiss me back. Unless of course you want me to go outside and get Will before he gets on the bus. I could always call school tell them he’s not coming in today.”

  
“No, you don’t have to do that,” I answered sighing heavily.

  
He wanted me to be responsive, to roll my tongue across his has he hands stroked my hips and back. As his hands spread that cold fire through my body that made me want to peel my skin off, to be outside of myself. To be anywhere else but where I was.  
“Yeah, you promise?” He asked me, “Because I just want to make you feel good. You know that, right?”

  
“I promise,” I answered quietly not looking at him.

  
I didn’t want to do this with him. To spend the day with him. To have him do that to me, making me do that. But I wasn’t going to let him do it to Will.

  
I wasn’t going to let Da take him out of school to do it. It was hell. It was hell having him touch me but I couldn’t subject my siblings to that same hell. I would do anything I could to stop them from having to deal with it even if that meant I had to let him do it to me instead.

  
“Good, hey let’s get downstairs before Alice gets here all right? Mike Matt and James should be leaving for school soon so just wear your brothers robe down to the 3rd floor suite for me baby ok?” He said standing up and looking at his dirty clothes on the floor before he sighed grabbing his jeans and sliding them on leaving the rest of his clothes there, “I’ll be down in a little bit. Don’t start without me ok?”

  
I sighed and nodded my head as he took my hand helping me out of my bed. His hands slid under the bottom of the robe squeezing my bare ass. I froze taking a deep breath this wasn’t ok.

  
He laughed, “Oh god the look on your face, so beautiful. I love it when you get that look on your face. When your eyes go big like that.” he kissed my cheek, “Go on baby. I’ll be done in a little bit.”

  
I nodded my head again and opened my bedroom door going to the elevator and pushing the button. I didn’t want to do this. But I wasn’t going to let him do it to anyone else. I felt disgusting. Knowing that he was about to have sex with me again. That he hadn’t let me clean off the things we did the night before and he was about to do more stuff like that. I felt dirty. Folding my arms across my chest as I waited for the lift to open to let me go down to the 3rd floor.

  
“John?” I heard a sleepy voice asked and turned around to see James standing there his button up only half way buttoned as he came down the hall towards me, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah bud I’m fine,” I answered probably not at all convincing him I was ok.

  
“I thought you were sick,” James told me.

  
“I am bud I just need to go downstairs for something,” I answered numbly, “Get dressed and be good for Alice when she gets here and gets you to the bus ok?”

  
“Is it Da?” He asked me.

  
“Bud, just go and finish getting dressed,” I said quietly.

  
“He’s hurting you, isn’t he?” James said, “Can I ask something?”

  
“I’m not sure bud,” I answered.

  
“Mr. Lord tickles sometimes,” he said quietly his eyes wide staring at nothing, “He says it’s supposed to feel good but it doesn’t. Does Da do that to you?”

  
“huh,” I wasn’t sure how to answer. My mind completely shot. I didn’t want to have to talk about it at that moment. Because I had to do it. I had to go downstairs and do it. My brain didn’t want to focus on it, to process those feelings.

  
“Bud,” I said looking at him for the first time since he started talking to me, “Don’t think about them ok? Just have a good day at school. I know it’s hard to not think about it but you should let yourself forget it, try to be happy.”

  
“You’re so sad,” James said suddenly as the door opened.

  
Alice was standing there her eyes going wide as she saw how short the bathrobe I was wearing was, making me blush. It felt very naked. It was one thing to be almost naked in front of my brothers and sisters or even in front of my friends who were stuck in the same situation I was in but to be almost naked in front of Alice was mortifying.

  
“Good morning boys,” she said smiling and then sighing, “Are you bothering your brother Jamie?”

  
“No, he’s just sad, I want to know why,” James said.

  
“I’m sure he’s just tired, aren’t you John?” She asked me giving me a bit of an out.

  
“Yeah, I’m just really tired,” I answered.

  
“Are you putting ice on your face sugar? It will help with the swelling,” she said grabbing my chin gently pulling my face down so she could look at my eyes and nose.

  
“Huh, kind of?” I answered.

  
The truth was I really hadn’t been. The second bag of ice I had gotten Pat had taken off of my face and put against my ribs. I knew she was right and Vic had told me to make sure I was icing both my face and my chest to make sure the swelling went down but I had been too tired to really follow through.

  
“Come with me,” She said letting go of my chin and grabbing my hand as James followed us, “Jamie finish getting yourself dressed please.”

  
“Ok I’ll be back,” he said running down the hallway back to his room.

  
“I don’t know where you are going sugar but I’m going to give you some ice. I want you to keep it on your face all right?” She said to me.

  
“All right,” I answered, “I’m supposed to be going downstairs though.”

  
“Dressed like that?” She asked me and I shrugged my shoulders.

  
What was I supposed to say, “Hey don’t mind the fact that I’m naked my Da wants me to go downstairs so he can rape me in peace?” I had no idea what to say to that. I was scared and I was dreading the fact that he was going to touch me. She walked into the kitchen still holding my hand and I stopped at the island.

  
“You got something you want to tell me sugar?” She asked me.

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. To tell her that he was staying home from work so he could fuck me that that’s why I was basically naked and heading down stairs.

  
She handed me the bag of ice, “Your face is red something wrong?”

  
“I can’t…” I said shaking my head.

  
“All right, it’s one of those things where I have to look the other way?” She asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Ok,” she responded, “Take care of yourself now. Keep that ice on your face it’ll help it feel better.”

  
“Alice,” I said quietly causing her turn around.

  
“Yes?” She asked me.

  
“Thank you,” I said quietly.

  
“You’re welcome,” she answered as I turned and walked away holding the bag of ice to the bridge of my nose.

  
I went back down the hallway to the lift and got into it going down to the 3rd floor. When I got to the room I went into the bathroom closing the door and leaning against it to keep it closed to allow myself to breathe. To try and calm myself down before he touched me again before he made me make out with him.

  
When I heard the door open I stood up opening up the bathroom door going back out into the bedroom and I sat down on the bed. I just tried to focus on my breathing as he turned around taking off his pants and setting them in a chair on the other side of the room closing my eyes when he looked at me to try and keep myself calm.

  
“You don’t want to take off the robe? Want me to do it?” He asked me coming up to me. I could feel his breath on my face as he leaned down burying his nose in the top of my head smelling my hair has his hands went to the robe belt untying it and letting it fall open.

  
His lips met mine and I opened my mouth letting him kiss me my tongue tapping his, kissing back as he used his body to force me to lay down. His hands finding my hips.

  
“Does it feel good?” He asked me breaking the kiss, his hands brushing my skin gently.

  
He waited for a response from me and I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to give him feedback on how he was making my skin crawl.

  
“Not going to answer me?” He asked, “Your eyes are wide so I’m assuming it doesn’t feel bad.” He said kissing my neck again as he shifted so he was on his knees his hand reaching in-between us.

  
I grabbed his hand. I didn’t want him touching me there. I didn’t want him touching me at all.

  
“No, no no,” Da said shaking his head, “You’re all right baby. I’m just going to make you feel good.”

  
“Please,” I begged biting my lip making sure I didn’t say the words no or don’t.

  
“You’re all right,” he said, “I know you’re hurt. I just want to make it feel better ok baby? You’re my special boy. I’d never hurt you.”

  
He kept kissing down my chest biting and teasing my nipples making me gasp making my back arch involuntarily as I bit back a moan that still managed to half escape.

  
“Yeah?” He asked his tongue gliding over my belly button, “That’s why I brought you down here you know? So, you can make all the sounds you want because I love your sounds.”

  
His mouth went around me making me gasps sharply. I wanted to push him away but instead I grabbed the sheets next to me. The sensation was overwhelming making me whimper. He stopped for just a second.

  
“Yeah that feels good, right? God you’re so sweet. You feel so warm baby,” he said rubbing me.

  
“No,” I whimpered shaking my head, “NO Please.”

  
He grabbed me hard by the chin yanking my face down hard so I was looking directly into his eyes the anger very evident there, “Don’t say that again. You get one warning if you say that again you won’t be happy. I don’t care how sore you already are you understand me?”

  
I nodded my head and he let go of my face kissing my tip before he took it back into his mouth. I hated the cold chill that spread up my spine as he sucked and licked. I slammed my hand over my mouth squeezing my face to try and keep myself from screaming out because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me whine, hearing me scream.

  
It got hard to breathe after a while. My body flooded with endorphins my heart pounding in my ears as the blood rushed down my body. I felt my eyes starting to roll. I knew I was getting ready to orgasm for him and I didn’t want to. I wanted to fight him but it was so hard. My whole body frozen before it started to shudder even my teeth chattering as I could no longer hold back releasing like a dam breaking.

  
When he was done with he lifted my legs his tongue finding itself deep inside my asshole causing me to moan to which he laughed against my skin, “Yeah baby?” He said putting his fingers in his mouth wetting them before he pushed them into me starting to move them in and out taking my dick back in his mouth.

  
“Shit,” I muttered as my brain stopped working. Every single cell in my body twitching, reacting to his mouth, and his fingers as he touched me. He caused me to go hard again almost immediately his fingers hitting that spot just right causing me to moan loudly despite myself.

  
I didn’t want it to feel good. I didn’t want my body to give that to him but it was. Every cell vibrating with that static until I lost my voice. He climbed on top of me using me until he climaxed and then continuing to touch me, to make me squirm until I was climaxing dry my whole body shaking me unable to speak or move.

  
“That’s my good boy,” He moaned into my ear as he climbed on top of me again, “Yeah? Feels good, doesn’t it? You going to come hard for me again one more time? Cum for me as I fill you? Fill you like the good little cum bucket that you are? My cum bucket. Anyone ever make you this dry before? I bet not. I bet Leo hasn’t even done this. Such a sweet boy. God, you feel so good so tight,” he breathed into my skin his thrust picking up. His words made me feel disgusting and dirty as they faded away into the nothing. Until the only other sound I could hear over the beating of my own heart was the sound of his body slapping hard against mine.

  
When I felt my body tense he climaxed again coming inside of me hard the cum running down my thighs as he pulled out rolling over to lay beside me. I felt like I couldn’t have moved even if I wanted to. My legs felt weak and I was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I was beyond tired but knew that I wouldn’t sleep. That I didn’t deserve sleep.

  
That I didn’t have the right to relax covered in his sweat and spit and cum and covered in my own sweat and climax. Covered in the product of our acts. He pulled me close holding me to his chest in away where I couldn’t move as he kissed the nape of my neck whispering how I was such a good boy, how I was his special boy.

  
He fell asleep. I don’t know how long he slept for but, it had to have been for a while. The next thing I remember was him grabbing my neck forcing me to turn my head in a way that hurt. He forced his tongue into my mouth again making it hard for me to breathe when the alarm on his watch went off making him break the kiss.

  
“It’s 2:30 your friend will be here soon,” he said, “Should I stay? Maybe he can play with us?”

  
I didn’t even respond. I didn’t move. I didn’t want to have to speak to him. I didn’t want to look at him. All I wanted to do was shower. Scrub my skin off. That way maybe I wouldn’t be able to feel him touching me anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to feel his lips against my skin or feel his mouth on me. I didn’t want to ever feel anything ever again.

  
I sighed, “Can I go shower?” I asked numbly.

  
“Why are you ashamed of us? See, I know you say he’s not your boyfriend but I have this feeling you might be lying. I want him to smell me on you. I want him to know that you’re mine. So, no. You can’t shower. And when I come see you tonight, I want to fuck you so hard you scream so stay down here all right?”

  
I gulped. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him to touch me again. I didn’t want anyone to touch me again. Not ever. Not after that. I looked at the balcony as he pulled up his pants getting up and then he cleared his throat.

  
“On second thought, I don’t want you to get any ideas,” Da said sighing handing me Will’s Robe to put on, “So I’ll walk you back upstairs all right baby?”

  
“I can go on my own,” I answered.

  
“Playing hard to get?” He asked pushing me down on the bed kissing my neck like he was going to rape me again.

  
I squeezed my eyes shut and started panting just hoping whatever he was doing it would be quick, that he would get it over with. He put his hand on my chest and he licked and bit my neck softly moaning as he heard a phone go off in his office.

  
“Damn it,” he sighed, “Ok fine, go upstairs, all right?”

  
I just nodded my head. He climbed off of me and I sighed heavily waiting for my body to stop trembling, waiting for my legs to feel stable. I didn’t want him touching me. I wanted to be able to breathe and I felt like I couldn’t.

  
“Come on, upstairs,” he said looking at me waiting for me to put the robe on and tie and it shut.

  
I stood up and walked out of the room as he held the door open and he walked me to the lift pressing the button and waiting for me to get inside before he walked down the hall. The door shut and I got upstairs practically running to my room before I broke down pulling the covers up over my head and burying my face in my pillow so I could scream. I hated not being able to shower afterwards. I hated that my Da did that to me. Made me filthy and then didn’t let me get it off of my skin.

  
I laid there and screamed into my pillow until I couldn’t scream anymore. Until I was just a whimpering mess curled in on myself. I heard my door open and hoped to god it wasn’t my Da. That he wasn’t coming back to touch me more. I just wanted to be left alone completely forgetting Pat was supposed to come over.

  
“Rabbit?” I heard Pat say quietly and I whimpered already starting to cry, “Rabbit what’s wrong? What happened?” He questioned the bed shifting as he came around the foot of it climbing onto it in front of me so I could see him.

  
“I don’t want to anymore,” I barely managed to mumble, “I don’t want to. I don’t want them to …anymore.”

  
“Oh, my poor Rabbit,” Pat said touching my cheek as I threw my arms around him burying my head into his chest screaming.

  
“Please, I don’t want to feel them anymore. I don’t want it. I want them to stop. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”

  
“I know babe,” he said running a hand through my hair, “I know, you’re ok now though you’re ok.”

  
“He made me kiss him,” I said quietly after I had quit screaming, “He won’t let me shower. He said he wants you to smell him on me. It feels sticky. It’s so sticky all over and I just I don’t want…” I started scratching at my arm and he grabbed my hands.

  
“Hey, hey,” he said quietly, “You need to calm down ok? You have to be nice to yourself because no one else is nice to you ok? No one is going to hurt you while I’m with you and that includes you all right Rabbit? Shhh…it’s all right …. Shhh…” he said holding me rocking me.

  
I heard a noise that made me twitch. I wasn’t facing the door and felt like screaming like someone was going to hurt me. I felt like Pat was my life line and I was trying desperately to hold on. That my sanity was slipping away and I couldn’t hold on tight enough.

  
“John are you ok?” I heard James say.

  
“Huh, hi bud John’s not feeling well,” Pat answered him quietly.

  
“Don’t let him touch me,” I whispered to him and Pat nodded his head looking at James.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked, “Can I give him a hug and make him feel better?”

  
“I wouldn’t. He’s not feeling good. He doesn’t want to be touched right now,” Pat answered.

  
“But you’re touching him,” James said sounding confused.

  
“Yeah but do you ever feel like you don’t want to be touched?” He asked James.

  
“Yeah but you’re touching him,” James said again. I cleared my throat and rolled over to look at him carefully, “You look so sad are you sure you’re just sick? You don’t scream like that unless you’re really really sad.”

  
“You know the question you asked me before school? If Da ever makes me…” I stopped having to close my eyes and push the feeling away from my skin focus on Pat and how his hand was still in my hair how he was still hugging me, “You know how you said Mr. Lord makes you tickle but it doesn’t feel good and you asked me if Da ever does that?”

  
“Yeah,” he answered me quietly.

  
“He does and when he’s done I can…I can still feel it. So…so I don’t like being touched,” I finished.

  
“Just breathe Rabbit. Just breathe. It’s me. I’m right here you’re safe ok?” Pat said in response to my body language and the fact that I had almost started wheezing and hyperventilating.

  
“So, Da hurt you?” He asked me and I couldn’t look at him anymore. And I rolled over burying my face in Pat’s chest again.

  
“Bud, he’s just really tired,” Pat said quietly, “Can you leave us here?”

  
“Yeah,” James answered.

  
“Thanks,” Pat said, “Can you shut the door behind you please?”

  
I heard the door shut quietly. I felt so weak and stupid and dirty. I couldn’t even face my little brother because my skin wouldn’t stop crawling, stop tingling. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t even protect myself let alone them and that Da was just going to do it again later and then I had to deal with Leo.

  
“I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to go to Leo. Shit I don’t want to do this anymore,” I whimpered.

  
“Shhh…don’t worry about that right now. Just close your eyes, I’m right here and nothing bad is going to happen while I’m here ok? No one is going to hurt you. I swear, not while I’m around,” he said kissing my top of my head and letting me cry as I tried to calm down.

  
I don’t know how or when but I managed to cry it out. To calm down enough that I fell asleep Pat hugging me, holding me.


	31. 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da forces the boys to cash in the raincheck he asked them for. John can't deal with the idea of what he's done. Vic lectures John about his health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 604 to 624 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, Underage, Rape-by proxy, forced oral, forced anal, forced brother/brother incest, feeding tube, eating disorder, mental health issues, self hate, low self esteem**

The next thing I remember was hearing someone talking.

  
“How is he doing?” I heard someone whisper.

  
“I just got him to go to sleep,” Pat answered.

  
“What happened? He was crying so loud for a while I haven’t seen him do that since…you know that one time downstairs. James thought John was mad at him until he explained. Said he couldn’t get the tickle out of his skin. I’m not even sure what that means.” Will whispered.

  
“Well,” Pat said heavily, “I just think it’s too much. Between your Da and Leo he’s just worn down. He usually doesn’t tell me things unless it’s really bothering him and he can’t take it anymore. He can’t take being used anymore he just wants to be left alone.”

  
“What do you mean he doesn’t tell you things unless they’re really bothering him?” Will asked quietly.

  
“Well, he said your Da made him kiss him. He has told me other things I don’t think he would like me repeating because you’re his little brother and they are kind of private,” Pat whispered to him.

  
“Wait Da makes John kiss him all the time. I don’t know why that would trigger a break down,” Will said.

  
“Well, maybe your Da made him…” I felt Pat motion, “actively kiss?”

  
“Gross,” Will said, “I don’t know. Da is different with him I know that. I’m not stupid. But John doesn’t really tell me a lot about it. I just kind of figured it wasn’t something John was comfortable talking about. He doesn’t talk about a lot of that stuff you know. Not like you and Cole do. John doesn’t like hearing about it unless he has to. It really upsets him and he really doesn’t like talking about it.”

  
“Yeah well you’re his baby brother. He’s tried so hard to protect you for as long as you probably remember and probably longer than that. It hurts him to have the fact that he can’t protect you from them thrown at him even though that’s not your intention when it comes to discussing it. I know you’re just looking to vent to try and understand because that’s how you’re mind works but with him it hurts him. They do some really bad stuff to him that you haven’t been subjected to yet and I’m pretty sure we’re, as in all of us who are older than you who care about you, the way we’re supposed to, the normal way, are hoping you won’t have to ever experience.” Pat answered him.

  
“He made me make a movie you know? And I’ve been to the parties. What more is there?” Will asked.

  
“A lot,” Pat answered simply, “You know that one night when they covered his eyes and ears and tied him up and they did stuff?”

  
“Yeah, I remember he shuddered and twitched and every time anyone looked at him he screamed at us not to touch him,” Will said, “Of course I remember that. It was scary to see him like that. To see him that scared that he was climbing out of his skin.”

  
“They do a lot of stuff like that. What they did to you at the party, they do that stuff a lot too. Huh, they make people make videos with their friends like they made John and me. They aren’t very nice not at all. And we’re treated better than lower ranks. Some lower ranks are kept in cages when they aren’t being abused when they’re not being raped.” Pat answered, “Apparently they do other things to him but like I said before I’m not going to repeat. Apparently, nothing can convince your Da that we aren’t fucking around though even though we’re not,” Pat mumbled.

  
“What makes you say that? If he really thought you were doing the nasty with John he wouldn’t let you come over at all,” Will answered.

  
“Something John said before he fell asleep,” Pat sighed rubbing my head, “Something that makes me feel terribly guilty.”

  
“What was it?” Will asked quietly.

  
“Your Da won’t let him shower because he wanted me to be able to smell your Da on him. He said he’s sticky everywhere. He tried to hurt himself. I’m not sure if it was on purpose or what but he started scratching at his arms again. I had to stop him,” Pat said.

  
“Da always makes me shower after, he tells me I stink,” Will told Pat.

  
“He tells me I shouldn’t be ashamed. That we did nothing wrong, that I should want to be able to still feel him, smell him,” I mumbled quietly not opening my eyes.

  
“How long have you been a wake?” Will asked.

  
“A couple minutes,” Pat answered.

  
“How could you tell?” I asked opening my eyes.

  
“You squeezed me a little tighter,” Pat answered running a hand along the top of the bath robe.

  
“Da is weird,” Will said quietly, “Are you going to be ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head into Pat’s chest, “I’m just tired. I can feel him everywhere still. It’s sticky and I hate it.”

  
“I know Rabbit, it’s ok,” Pat said.

  
“Can I get you anything?” Will asked, “Food? A wash cloth? A drink?”

  
I shook my head in response, “He’d get pissed. He’s …he’s coming back later so I probably shouldn’t…”

  
“Shouldn’t wash?” Will asked me and I nodded my head not able to look at him.

  
I didn’t want to think about it, how sticky I felt. How his tongue had been literally all over my body, my dick, my ass, my chest and neck and legs. How he would do it again later. How it would probably be just as painful as it had been before because he would probably make me come until I was dry again.

  
“Will?” Pat said quietly, “Can you grab him some clothes maybe?”

  
“He’s not wearing clothes?” Will asked and I swore even though I wasn’t looking I could see him raise his eyebrow.

  
“We’re not doing anything like that. He’s wearing your bath robe ok?” Pat said, “Just grab him some PJ’s. I think they’re in the bottom drawer.”

  
“I know where they are,” Will answered opening up the drawer and pulling a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt out for me and setting it on the bed.

  
“Thank you,” Pat said.

  
“I don’t want him to,” I mumbled thinking about my Da thinking about how he was going to do things to me again. How I wasn’t going to be able to stop him.

  
“I know,” Pat said, “It’s ok.”

  
“No, he’s going to do it again and I don’t want him to. Not with Leo tomorrow, I have to do it with Leo tomorrow. I can’t deal with him again. Not again, god fuck! FUCK!” I started hyperventilating.

  
“Shhh…Shhh…it’s ok Rabbit, it’s ok. You’re all right,” Pat said putting his lips to my forehead rocking me, “You’re all right. It’s going to be ok.”

  
“Maybe I should…” Will started to say before I cut him off.

  
“Don’t you dare!” I hissed.

  
“Yeah,” Pat agreed, “Don’t do that. He has anti-anxiety pills he can take one. Just to keep him calm. Not so your Da can…you know but so he’s not dreading it quite so badly. So, he can numb out a little bit.”

  
“John, you can’t do this. You’re crawling out of your skin and you have Leo. You said so yourself. At least he lets me shower it away after he’s done,” Will said his eyes starting to fill with tears as he wiped them away furiously trying to hide them, “At least I don’t have to let it sit on my skin. At least I get to feel clean again.”

  
“Will, he’s been protecting you his whole life. He would rather die than see you step up and take his place,” Pat answered.

  
“He will die if he doesn’t find a way to get a break. You think I don’t know Leo? You think I haven’t heard things? My friends have older brothers too some of them older then you. Leo is a nasty piece of work he shoves rods inside people. I don’t know if he’s done that to…oh god,” Will said, “Oh god John I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

  
“Hey, hey just breathe,” Pat cooed rubbed my shoulders making me lay on my side, “Just breathe Rabbit you’re ok. You’re ok,” Pat sighed, “I think he’s about to have a seizure you need to go tell your Da and have him call Vic ok?”

  
“That’s why he’s twitching like that?” I heard Will ask but I felt unable to speak my whole body feeling like it was on fire beyond my control.

  
“Yeah they can be caused by stress just like problems breathing and other stuff. He did this before Tosh said and Vic said to keep an eye out for it. When you mentioned that apparently it hit a nerve a really big one.” Pat answered.

  
“I’ll go call Dr. Palmer,” Will said.

  
“Shhh…. Shhh…Shhh…it’s ok just breathe, you’re all right,” Pat cooed.

  
Eventually I was able to move my limbs and then I felt like I could speak, “My head hurts.” I barely managed to mumble trying my voice.

  
“Hey handsome. I’m sure it does,” he said.

  
“Why?” I asked., “I mean I could hear everything but I couldn’t move or anything or speak,” I said.

  
“You were moving a lot actually it was very hard to explain. Almost like you were cold but only from like your torso up,” Pat answered me, “You’re face first lost all color and then kind of flushed. I’ve actually seen that happen to Flynn before after Justin died. He used to get them sometimes. From what Vic told me it’s because you have so much anxiety your brain can’t process it so your body shows the stress physically. Flynn started taking anti-anxiety medication and it really helped him. It’s like an extreme panic attack which we know you have because we’ve seen it.”

  
Just then Will knocked on the door, “I called Vic he said he’s coming but he wants you to take the pills he gave you so please take the pills John.”

  
“Yeah he’s going to take one. Can you go get some water?” Pat asked opening up my night stand drawer where he knew the bottle probably was and pulled it out.

  
“No babe they make me tired,” I said.

  
“Yeah well you are beyond exhausted because like you’ve told me before you don’t sleep with them close to your skin. Because it’s too hard and so I know for a fact you didn’t sleep last night. You have to be beyond tired which is probably another reason that just happened. So, you need to take the pill because I love you and I’m giving it to you. Afterwards I’ll sit here and make sure everyone leaves you alone until I have to go home ok?” Pat said to me.

  
“Water,” Will said handing the glass to Pat.

  
“Here you go open up,” Pat said popping a pill in my mouth and making me swallow it, giving me the water, “Now we’re just going to sit back and chill ok?”

  
Within minutes my brain felt light, almost like it was floating above my body somehow and everything felt far away and slow. I didn’t fall asleep but I laid there with him while him and Will talked about things and eventually Vic came in and even though the conversation was hard to follow Pat and Will asked some questions about the rods, the metal rods that Leo apparently used with just about everyone.

  
He told Pat it was called sounding that usually they used it to give people piercings but some people used it for sexual things. That the prostate is sandwiched between the bladder and penis and above the rectum and while you can give semi-direct stimulation to the prostate through someone’s anus you could give right on stimulation by inserting a vibrating rod up into someone’s urethra because it sat right in front of the bladder and that’s why some people used those rods to get sexual gratification but that while it did that it created an insanely intense orgasm and if it was unwanted it was probably very very invading. It was very dangerous thing to do because of risk of puncturing the urethra and causing infection and that no one should really try it especially on someone who was not an adult and not receptive to that type of play.

  
I don’t remember what anyone really said word for word which is why I summed up the conversation that and it was all very fancy and scientific but I remember Pat holding me a little tighter as he was told this. Basically, once every other week Leo had been torturing me. Even though to be honest my whole life was torture by that point because if you want to really make someone suffer you make them hate themselves and what they did to me without the sounding was a pretty good way to get someone to hate themselves.

  
Vic checked my vitals and he told Will to tell Alice I needed rest and that I should be taking the pills he gave me as needed whenever I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and he prescribed new pills to be taken once a day with my Prozac. He handed those over to Alice to fill and bring back from the pharmacy for me to take the next day.

  
I barely remember Pat leaving. I remember begging him to stay, pleading for him to stay because I knew when he was gone that my Da was probably going to hurt me. My Da had promised to fuck me until I screamed and he always kept his promises. The fear was overwhelming but Pat eventually had to leave. He headed home around the same time Alice did. Around 7 that night after she had put the babies to bed and had helped James and Cat get ready for sleep as well.

  
I slept for a while until my body woke me up my stomach growling. I got up and went to the kitchen opening the fridge and found an orange that looked like it would taste good peeling it. I remember the taste of it because it had been a while since I had eaten sweet with a tiny bite to it. The citrus making my mouth feel cold but clean. Standing there I heard the lift turn on my heart stopping.

  
I knew it had to be Da. It was nearly 1am so I didn’t think it would be anyone else because of the time. Uncle Ben would have already come upstairs by that time if he was looking for company but Da liked to be quiet, private. Sure, enough as the shadow walked down the hallway I noticed how it was thinner than my uncles Shadow would be and I knew it was him.

  
“Hi beautiful,” he said coming into the kitchen looking at me, “What are you doing up?”

  
“I was hungry. I spent most of the evening sleeping,” I answered.

  
“I wore you out?” He asked a smile playing on his face, “Want some company?”

  
“I’m ok,” I answered. I wanted him to know my displeasure at the fact that he wanted to spend time with me before I went to Leo’s. I wanted him to know that I just wanted to be alone for a while my skin belonging only to me.

  
“Oh, come on baby,” he said coming closer to me, “You don’t have to be like that.”

  
He wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck kissing me lightly. I froze closing my eyes. I hated the way just the smallest touch from any of them could make my skin crawl, make me wish I could set skin on fire to kill the nerve endings so I didn’t have to feel any touch ever again.

  
Any touch other than Pat’s. Everyone else felt invasive, threatening, terrifying. The only way I ever kept calm when one of my brothers or sisters hugged me was by reminding myself they weren’t going to hurt me. That they loved me and cared about me and would never do anything to upset me.

  
“You still smell like us,” he told me his hands resting on the dimples on my back, “I love that you smell like us.”

  
I swallowed. I didn’t like his comments. They all made those types of comments and it made me feel gross. Like I was doing something to warrant their attention. Like my mere existence was a reason for them to say those things to me. To tell me what they thought of me.

  
“Please?” I asked putting my hands against his chest trying to get him to stop touching me, to coax him away from me.

  
“But I won’t get to see you all weekend,” he whispered massaging the back of my neck, “Hell Leo said he’s going to take Lunch off so he can come get you early.”

  
“What?” I asked shaking my head.

  
“Yeah you’re not at school so him and I talked about it. It only makes sense because the contract says you’re his on Friday so…” My Da trailed off kissing my forehead, “It’s ok it’s only because he thinks your special.”

  
“I don’t want to be special,” I mumbled, “Da he hurts me.”

  
“No, he doesn’t. I know he doesn’t. You just get nervous baby, that’s all,” he replied, “There’s nothing to be nervous about though ok?”

  
“Da please,” I begged again as he pressed his pelvis into mine making me want to scream, want to push him away in protest.

  
“Shhh…just relax all right? How about we go to the bedroom? I’ll warm you up nice and good, make sure you’re ready ok?” He hummed quietly still rubbing the back of my neck.

  
I didn’t want to have sex with him but I knew I couldn’t say no. That I wasn’t allowed to so I swallowed nodding my head as he pulled away from me, leaving the air between us cold and dead just like how I felt inside. He grabbed my hand leading me down the hallway to my bedroom his hold on my hand gentle but guiding like I knew he would be in the bedroom.

  
“Just relax,” he said his hand caressing my cheek. His thumb teasing my bottom lip as it ran past my chin before he pressed his lips to mine forcing his tongue into my mouth. He closed the door quietly his one hand on my hip as the other turned the lock before he guided me to the bed forcing me to sit down.

  
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel him on my skin as his hands went to the draw string on my pants, the only thing I was wearing because I figured there wasn’t any point in trying to hide from him, trying to make myself feel safe when I wasn’t. He straddled me pushing me into the bed pressing my wrists to the mattress with his hands as his hungry mouth kissed my neck and chest aggressively making me gasps me air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I felt the heat starting to rise in my face.

  
“Yeah baby?” He asked my neck, one of his hands taking the fabric at my hips and sliding my pants down past my knees. his body managed to move in one motion as he nibbled and licked his way back up my torso and take his own boxers off.

  
I didn’t push him away. I knew he wanted to do things to me and I knew it didn’t matter how much I pushed at him. I knew that he was going to do it anyway as I closed my eyes trying to block it out. Trying to block out the feeling of his hands on my body, his lips and nose tickling my nipples making it hard to breathe. I didn’t want this his hand reaching in-between us started to squeeze and caress gently making my eyes snap opened.

  
“There’s my beautiful boy,” he muttered as he looked up seeing my eyes staring at him.

  
“Da please…,” I barely whimpered.

  
“Just keep enjoying it baby,” he said as he started kissing lower and lower.

  
I slammed a hand over my mouth to keep from screaming no. To keep myself from telling him to stop because I hated myself and hated what my body was feeling. Hated that it was soft and gentle and confusing. That it was dirty and gross and disgusting and that I was a whore. That a part of me obviously wanted him to touch me like that but wanted him to stop all at once. I felt his mouth go around my engorged dick and gasped as it caught me off guard.

  
“DA PLEASE PLEASE,” I begged somehow a stop or no never leaving my lips. Probably because by then it had been drilled into me that no wasn’t allowed, that stop wasn’t allowed when I was with him.

  
He pulled me out of his mouth a slight pop sound occurring as he sat up looking at me whipping the spit from his lips, “You need to quiet down,” he warned me “unless you want to draw…” he paused as there was a knock on the door, “attention.” He finished.

  
He grabbed my discarded pants up off the floor using them to cover his intimate bits as he went and opened the door to see who it was. His body relaxed a little bit and he smiled before he turned to me his hand leaving the door knob and grabbing Will by the elbow a bit roughly forcing him into the room with us before shutting and locking the door again.

  
“Da?” Will asked the sleep leaving his face instantly as he realized he was locked in the room with us and that I was on the bed shaking and trembling what had been going on evident.

  
“Da,” I said sitting up making sure I was covered, “Please? I really would prefer if we didn’t.”

  
I knew what he wanted. We had promised him a three some before mum had taken us and run to Montana. A three some that we had yet to actually give him. I knew by the look on his face he was going to cash in his rain check. That he wanted it to happen and it was probably going to happen now.

  
“Come here Will,” Da said dropping my pants exposing himself again.

  
“Da…” Will and I both said in unison.

  
“No, you promised. You said you two would and I want to, so come here Will,” he said gesturing for Will to sit on the bed next to Da where he had settled back in.

  
Will moved slowly reluctantly towards the bed Da grabbing him pulling him close so that he was standing pinned between Da’s naked thighs as Da pulled Will’s shirt over his head. He kissed Will’s chest as I sat there awkwardly. I was confused as to what I should do. If I should beg Da to stop and let him go, if I should tell him I’d be good and let it just happen if he let Will go. I wasn’t sure what to do. Until Da grabbed the back of my neck pulling me forward bring my face close to Will’s only inches apart.  
“Kiss,” he whispered as Will looked at me closely, “Do it or I’ll go get Mike and we can try it with him.” Da growled a warning.

  
This was way beyond anything I felt I was willing to do which when it came to that type of stuff. Will frowned his brow wrinkling as he looked into my eyes, “It’s ok.” He told me quietly placing both of his hands on my shoulders, “Just…”

  
Will closed his eyes his lips crashing against mine surprising me. I wasn’t sure what I was doing it felt awkward, scary. I felt Da rubbing the back of my neck as Will tried his best to coax my mouth open with his tongue. I was not ok with this. This was my little brother, my 11-year-old little brother. His small hands gripped my shoulders lightly as if he couldn’t decide whether to push me away or pull me closer his tongue tickling the roof of my mouth as he climbed up on the bed between my legs his knees brushing against my inner thigh making me jump as he broke the kiss.

  
Da grabbed Will by the elbow forcing him to lay down beside me, “Scoot over a little Will please.” Da said which Will obeyed.

  
“Come on baby,” he said pushing on my hip, pushing me into the middle of the bed, “Ok Will, kiss,” he said smiling at us nodding his head in encouragement until Will started moving up towards my head, “No, not quiet… more like…” He nibbled my nipple making me jump, my eyes going wide in shock.

  
“What?” Will asked his brow furrowing.

  
“You can do it or I’ll go get Mikey,” Da warned Will looking at him who I heard audibly gulp and nod his head before I felt his nose brush against my left nipple as Da started licking my other one.

  
“Wow,” I said trying to push Da away as Will looked up stopping.

  
“No baby, just relax this is about you. I want to make you feel good,” Da told me grabbing my arm and holding it down, “Will listen to me not to him. He doesn’t know what he wants.”

  
“Da he doesn’t want me to,” Will answered quietly.

“You do it or else someone else is going to you understand me?” He said looking at us his eyes flashing angrily, “You agreed to this a while ago and we haven’t done it yet. So now you’re going to, you understand?”

  
“Yes,” Will sighed nodding his head as he grabbed my hand squeezing it before his buried his head in my neck, “I’m so sorry.”

  
“Me too,” I whispered back as he trailed small wet kisses down my neck and into my collar bone not nearly as pressing and invading as my Da’s but enough to make me squirm with anxiety as Da dragged his hand down the center of my chest starting to rub and pump my penis making me gasp again as his mouth kept assaulting my nipple and Will worked his way toward my other one.

  
It felt extremely uncomfortable. There was nothing about my brother or my Da that turned me on in anyway shape or form but my body was responding the way my Da wanted it to. I turned hard as his hands cupped my balls, his kisses starting to trail lower as he nudged or poked Will every couple of minutes getting him to do the same until they both kissed my waist causing me to whimper as my Da dipped his tongue into my belly button. This caused my stomach to flutter, that cold fire starting to spread up through my body his one hand caressing and rubbing my inner thigh having left my erection alone for a couple of minutes as he nudged Will.

  
“Come on it’s all right,” he encouraged Will who closed his eyes and swallowed before he gently licked my waist sideways his tongue dipping into my belly button as well. His tiny hand rubbing up and down my right thigh like Da’s did to my left trying to mirror my Da’s actions.

  
My head felt like it was going to explode. I didn’t want to hurt my brother by trying to jerk away or push them off me so I laid there as still as I possibly could. My chest feeling tight as I tried to keep silent. I didn’t even realize how hard it was to breathe until my Da drew my attention.

  
“Feel good?” Da asked me suddenly confusing me. My body tingling to a point where I couldn’t stand it just like when Da did things to me by himself. He smiled at me, “Can’t speak?”

  
It was then that I realized I was panting heavily. The tickling running up and down my spinal column almost too much for my body to handle. Every touch getting closer to sending me over the edge even though neither one of them was touching my dick.

  
“Yeah,” he said his hand going back down and cupping my right ball gently as he nudged Will.

  
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see that. Want to know my little brother was touching me like that and while I couldn’t stop Da from making him or Da from allowing me to let him, I didn’t have to watch it. I felt my brothers hand touch me as someone slid their tongue along the right side of my shaft causing me to whimper as I felt the bed move and then I felt another tongue join that one.

  
I felt light headed suddenly. Probably because I was breathing so hard trying to stay quiet trying not to plead my Da to let Will stop because if I did I knew both of us would be worse off. I knew that he would get angry and hurt someone.

  
I felt someone engulf me a big hand around the base of my cock rubbing as a tongue teased the head making my slam my hand hard over my mouth and bite into it. I didn’t want this to happen. This was too much and then it stopped for a minute.

Everything was silent the air stiff with tension and I dared to open my eyes just slightly.

  
“Do it,” I heard my Da mumble.

  
“I don’t want to Da, please?” I heard Will whisper his hand still massaging my left ball.

  
“Do it or I’ll force your head down and make you fucking choke on it you understand me?” Da said and I slammed my eyes shut again.

  
I felt a tongue tease the head of my cock and I could tell it wasn’t Da. That it was smaller making the prods more precise even though it felt reluctant as it moved over me and he sighed deeply before I finally felt his mouth go around me.

  
I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. Knowing it was him being able to feel the difference between an adult and someone that was still too small to know what these things were let alone be doing them. I felt sick inside bile climbing up into my throat even as my body responded getting closer to reaching my Da’s goal, giving him what he wanted.

  
I felt a finger circling against my ass making me jump making my eyes start to roll as my baby brothers tongue forced my body to respond the way it was programmed to my eyes rolling under my closed lids, my body shuddering as I orgasmed.  
“That’s my good boys,” Da said as I felt the mouth leave me, “Swallow,” He hissed.

  
I didn’t see it happen but I knew Will obeyed as he coughed and sputtered and I heard him whine. I was hoping it was done but then I felt a struggle going on above me and Da was holding Will pulling him up over top of me, making him straddle me and I figured out quickly what he was trying to get him to do.

  
“Da please? I don’t want to,” I barely managed to say still having trouble breathing.

  
“It’ll be fun. How often have you topped baby, once?” He said trying to force Will down into my lap, “You don’t do it I will and I’ll make sure neither one of you forgets it.”

  
I sighed. So that was his game. He was going to make him bleed if I didn’t do it. If I didn’t have sex with him. I managed to elevate myself on shaky knees that felt like wet noodles grabbing my brother and kissing him rolling us over so I was on top of him. I didn’t want to do this. This made me feel sick to my stomach as I felt the bile rising in my throat again just thinking about the fact that I had to do this, that I had to hurt him like this.

  
“Just relax, you’ll like it I promise,” Da said to me grabbing me pumping me back into hardness from behind. Will opened his eyes, revealing that they were cold and expressionless, mute and numb like he wasn’t there anymore.

  
He spread his legs grabbing my arm pulling me forward, “just do it.” He said quietly not really looking at me but past me.

  
“Will…” I started to protest.

  
“You heard him do it or I will,” Da hissed into my neck pushing me forward. I barely caught myself with my hands against the mattress on either side of Will’s body before I feel into him. Da took lube and applied and generous amount to me and then reached between my legs applying it to Will making him hiss as my Da’s fingers entered him stretching him getting him ready, “Do it.” Da said again.

  
I sighed biting back tears. This wasn’t something I ever wanted. I never wanted to hurt him like this to make him feel this. I barely managed to swallow as my Da pushed me forward again hard and Will sighed wrapping his legs around my waist pulling my face to his.

  
“Just do it please. So, he doesn’t,” Will whispered into my ear his voice void of emotion. I lined myself up inhaling sharply as I felt that tight ring of muscle open up to slide around me.

  
It felt anything but good making my insides continue to churn sour stomach acid. I hated that I was doing this that Da was making me do this. Not only had I failed at protecting Will but I was doing it now too. I was a total fucking freak no better than my Da. All of the sudden I felt Da’s tongue push inside me making me almost scream out as he hands firmly parted my ass cheeks his tongue playing with my asshole.

  
He pushed me so hard I rocked into my brother causing his eyes to go wide and him to whimper. His lip trembling like he was trying not to cry. I could tell he didn’t want this and it broke my heart into a million pieces to know I was causing him pain. That I was hurting him.

  
I had tried so hard to not be like my Da, not let people do things to him and I had failed time and time again and here I was with no choice in the matter shoving my dick up his ass like I felt a million different guys had done to me and it broke me, it utterly broke me. Each pull on my hips pushing me back and forth inside of him causing the stinging and tickling feeling to grow inside me as the friction got to me. My head feeling lighter and lighter the more my Da licked and pushed and pulled on my hips until I felt the tightness in my waist release and push outwards sending my body nearly collapsing on top of Will’s as he tried his best to hold me up and keep the majority of my weight from crushing him.

  
My Da let out a happy roaring laugh, “That was amazing boys. That was fucking amazing,” he said, “I can’t believe how good that was. I haven’t been that excited to watch someone else get fucked in a long time.”

  
My Da pulled me up and off of Will pushing me head first down into the mattress my face below Will’s opened legs as Da pushed his fingers into me and then made sure I was warmed up before plunging inside of me a grunt escaping him as he buried himself inside of me his balls slapping against my ass as he started the thrust. The clapping sound like nails on a chalk board as he somehow managed to hit my prostate on his re-entrance making my eyes go wide, making me gasp.

  
“Yeah? My little cum bucket? You love to cum for your Daddy, don’t you?” He muttered grabbing me by my hair pulling my neck back and biting the back of my ear.

  
I felt my face burn with shame. My little brother didn’t need to see this, not after what I had done to him. I mean I deserved nothing more than to be used just like I had used him but I still felt like he shouldn’t bear witness to my punishment. That he shouldn’t have to see this. My Da grabbed my hips pushing into the hallows of them with his thumbs forcing them upward against his pelvis with one hand as his other curled around my cock making me mewl. This was embarrassing, that I couldn’t control myself with my brother right there my body responding my back arching as my Da’s hand teased me while his other held my hip like a handle helping guide him in and out.

  
“That’s right baby,” Da said loudly, “Oh fuck yeah.” He said his balls slapping harder against my back as his sped up his pace. I let a noise somewhere between a moan and hum escape my body. My whole being on fire with that cold tickling as I felt him cum inside of me both of us collapsing onto the bed.

  
I couldn’t even open my eyes I was so tired. Covered in sweat and cum and spit, which is how I felt I always was. I panted trying to catch my breath, trying to find something to get my body to stop feeling the aftershocks of orgasm that run up and down my spine making me twitch when I heard Will start pleading softly.

  
“Daddy please,” I heard Will say.

  
“No, no it’s ok. I just want to make you feel good. Johnny feels good, look at him he can’t even open his eyes. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want Daddy to make you cum so hard you can’t move?” He said moving so he was settling in-between Will’s legs beside my head.

  
“Daddy please. I really really wish you wouldn’t d…” Wills eyes went as big as dinner plates as Da plunged inside of him silencing all protest.

  
“There you go baby,” he said, “God yes you feel so tight, so good.” He panted into Will’s neck. After a few minutes Will made that same pained noise I had made the sound somewhere between a hum and a moan as Da bucked up inside of him whispering something into his ear only stopping when he was satisfied that Will had finished before he rolled over pushing me over and then pulling me up to warp his arms around me kissing my cheek as I laid there silent and still like a statue.

  
“God, I love my boys,” he said, “Will if you want to you can spend the night with us or you can shower and back to your room, it’s up to you baby.”

  
“I’m going to go,” Will answered quietly, numbly.

  
“Ok I love you, goodnight,” Da said turning over and looking at him for just a minute while Will slowly got up and unlocked the door opening it and closing it quietly behind him as he left me there with Da, Da holding me to his chest rubbing my hair, “You were amazing.” He breathed against the nape of my neck making me frown.

  
I wanted him off my skin especially after everything he just made me do. How he had made me violate my little brother and then made me have sex with him in front of Will. I felt beyond sick but I was still too tired to move. Too tired to even really think. Somehow, I managed to just keep my eyes closed, my brain slowly shutting off cell by cell until I feel into a restless sleep clutched tightly against his body his pelvis almost flesh against my back.

  
At some point, I woke up to find Da was gone. The bed beside me empty and I sighed with relief until the events of the night before came flooding back to me hitting me like an MMA fighter socking me in the jaw. Will had to hate me now. He had to think I was no better than Da after what I had done to him. How I had… used him like that. I was a piece of shit.

  
I looked at the window noting how bright it was outside the sunlight strong enough to filter through my drawn blinds thinking, thanking my lucky stars that Will was already at school so I didn’t have to see him look at me with those eyes. Those eyes that would tell me how worthless I was.

  
I showered wishing I could scrub my skin off. Wishing I could disappear and become like the steam that was starting to dissipate as the water cooled down and the air got circulated by the fan. Wishing I could just vanish. When I got out I put on the baggiest sweater I owned over a huge t-shirt and loose-fitting jeans wanting to hide myself from the world, wanting to hide my body that seemed to attract so much attention that I didn’t want.

  
I stayed in my room curling up under my desk because I didn’t want to lay in that bed any longer. Lay in that bed that smelled like what he had made Will and I do. What he had done to me, to us. I was glad to be leaving home for the weekend but only because I didn’t know what do or say at home.

  
Leo came and got me around noon after I had kissed all of my younger siblings who were home goodbye. I felt sick to my stomach getting in that SUV and leaving but not as sick as I felt staying. I really just felt a need to get away from that, a need to try and forget what had happened.

  
I felt Leo’s hand slide up my thigh as we drove towards his house me closing my eyes trying to just breathe my whole body shaking. That was the one thing that sucked about getting out of the house this weekend it just meant that instead of being under my Da I was going to be under Leo. That I had to let Leo do things to me.

  
“Hey,” he said snapping me out of my thoughts making me turn to look at him, “I have to stop at the store. So, if you want to help me out, get some stuff for you to snack on I’m good with that, ok?”

  
I nodded my head. He was taking me into a grocery store? Did I look like I was hungry? I hardly ever went to the grocery store my parents usually paid people do to that type of thing for us which I guess we were lucky we could afford considering.

  
He pulled into the Publix parking lot parking and looked at me closely, “I would just leave you in the car but something tells me that’s not a good idea. You can throw anything you want in the cart but I’d prefer if you didn’t wander too far. I’m sure you can understand why considering you’ve been known to be a bit chatty in the past.”

  
“Are you talking about Dr. Jeffries? Because I didn’t tell him anything he guessed,” I muttered.

  
“Either way that’s on you because you couldn’t keep what you knew to yourself,” Leo told me squeezing my knee, “So stay close. If anyone asks I’m your uncle all right?” he said and I just nodded my head sighing as we got out of the car and I grabbed a cart.  
I followed him around the store quietly but we were only there a few minutes before he turned around to look at me, “You seem so tense, why?”

  
“I don’t know,” I mumbled as he slowed his pace walking beside me and then stepped behind me massing my neck and shoulders grinding against me.

  
“You’re too hot,” he whispered into my ear, “God, I’ve missed you baby. We’re going to have a lot of fun this weekend.”

  
“Excuse me?” Someone said behind us making me freeze stiller then I was before.

  
“Yes?” Leo said turning around.

  
“Were you just grinding on him?” I heard the woman ask.

  
“Definitely not, I’m his uncle. He has anxiety I was rubbing his back isn’t that right John?” Leo asked me and I nodded my head without turning around not wanting to see this person. Not wanting to draw any more attention to us.

  
“He looks nervous. I’m not sure he wants to be touched,” The woman said.

  
“look he’s fine. Aren’t you fine John?” Leo asked me again I nodded my head.

  
Awesome because Leo couldn’t keep his hands to himself he had attracted unwanted attention and I knew somehow this was going to be blamed on me. Like I didn’t have enough problems already. And I was surrounded by fucking food. It made my stomach churn. I didn’t want to be in this stupid grocery store picking out stupid food with this guy who just wanted to get me to his house so he could fuck me.

  
I felt overwhelmed closing my eyes and shaking my head. This wasn’t cool. None of this was cool. I coughed drawing Leo’s attention back to me. I didn’t want to watch whatever this was and I didn’t trust Leo’s temper.

  
“Can we just go?” I asked shrugging my shoulders, “I kind of felt like I didn’t need anything in the first place so can we just go?”

  
“See if I was being inappropriate with him do you think he’d give me such attitude?” Leo asked her, “Yeah sure I have to grab somethings, come on.” He said pulling the front of the cart, “The nerve of some people….” Leo muttered.

  
“Yeah if you could keep your hands to yourself…” I barely whispered back.

  
“Would be a lot easier if you weren’t so irresistible,” Leo said looking at me smirking.

  
“How? I don’t see it,” I hissed.

  
“You wouldn’t. If you did you wouldn’t be what you are,” Leo said, “Come on. I have to go and grab my juice.”

  
He walked me to juice aisle and grabbed something off the shelf putting it in the cart, “You sure you don’t want anything?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah I’m sure. Why?” I asked him.

  
“Because you’re skin and bone. Not that I’m complaining but it would be a nice to have a little cushion,” he told me reaching out to touch my cheek as I pulled away. He shook his head clicking his tongue at me, “That will cost you later.”

  
“I don’t want to be touched. So, sue me,” I replied.

  
“I have other things in mind. Come on, then check out it is,” he said.

  
I zoned out in check out. Not that checking out is exciting and before I knew it we were back to the car. He opened the back door and threw the bag inside looking at me his eyes flashing that look across them. That look that only ever brought bad things.  
“Leo…” I said as a warning as I backed up.

  
“Relax,” he said, “It wouldn’t be here anyway. Not with that nosy bitch around here where ever she is. Let’s go home, all right? I’d rather be settled in when Rich gets there. He said he might want to have some fun with you.”

  
I felt my face go pale. I wasn’t doing that again. He had to be nuts if thought I was going to let Rich do that to me again. Not like he had before.

  
“I see it in your face. Don’t even think about it,” He warned me as I looked around the parking lot.

  
He was right I wanted to run, it was one thing if it was him. Dick was something completely different that I wasn’t willing to deal with after what I had done to Will. I knew I deserved it, I wasn’t stupid but to just be reminded that Dick on top of me was probably exactly how felt when I was on top of him was just too much.

  
“Why?” I asked starting to cry.

  
“Because he wants to relieve some stress and he said he had fun with you. I didn’t believe how much fun he had until they posted the video. I have to say it does look like a lot of fun and I wouldn’t mind seeing it up close.”

  
“I’ll kill myself,” I said my tears randomly subsiding.

  
“Is that true? I’ll take you back to the hospital right now. You probably won’t be admitted until Neal is on shift but, he’ll be happy to see you.” Leo said, “And I mean it’s not like I won’t see you. You want to deal with that? Rich or Neal take your pick.”  
Which one would I rather deal with? The one who tied me down, who made me feel weak and pathetic? Or the one who made it hurt to piss? I didn’t want to walk around like a cowboy for five days because I was so fucking bruised I felt like I couldn’t move. Either way though the choice wasn’t a fair one. Why couldn’t Leo be nice? Why did he have to pick this week to be an asshole?

  
“Fine, but I’m going to fucking scream,” I sighed getting into the car.

  
“Oh, baby you can scream all you like,” Leo said to me making my blood feel cold.

  
I knew he liked my protest, my screaming but he didn’t like me fighting back but hearing him say it like that made me feel sick to my stomach. Made me so angry because it made me feel like there was nothing I could do to escape him. Like nothing I did could repulse him other than fight back which would only earn me pain.

  
I sighed folding my arms across my chest glaring at him every time I felt his arm move towards me. I didn’t want him to touch me. He barely waited for the garaged door to close before his hands were on me. Going to the button my jeans shoving against me, his mouth on my neck.

  
“Stop,” I told him forcefully, “No, no stop.” I repeated my heart starting to race as I started to panic, “I said STOP!” I said taking my open hand and pushing him away by the face as I tried to catch my breath.

  
“So that’s how it’s going to be today?” He asked me, “You’ll regret that. You’d really regret it if you had hurt me. I’m not in the mood for that today, understand?”

  
“I’m sorry I just…it’s a bad day ok?” I pleaded with him daring to make eye contact hoping he’d take pity on me.

  
“Why it is a bad day?” He asked me his fully attention on me, his eyes locking to mine the cold steel of them making me feel like he was trying to drill into the core of my being, find out everything he could about me. I held his gaze until my skin was crawling until I was sure I couldn’t stand it anymore turning my head away.

  
“It just is,” I answered quietly.

  
“Tell me why, I might take pity on you. Might not make you play with Rich if you do,” he told me, “Come on let’s go inside and you can tell me all about it ok?”

  
I nodded my head opening up the car door and walking up the stairs waiting for him to take me inside. I knew he just wanted to hear about whatever it was because he wanted to get off. Because he was turned on by hearing about the things that other people did to me. How they hurt me.

  
“Strip,” he told me making me stop at the front door like he always did.

  
“I’m not in my uniform though,” I said and then for some reason I started crying. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was because I knew how gross I was, how disgusting but I didn’t want him to see me like that. I didn’t want to expose my skin to him, to have him be able to see me so raw, so exposed.

  
“Hey, hey,” he said pulling me in and hugging me, “Shhh its ok. It’s all right, just relax. Just relax.”

  
He led me over to the couch gently still hugging me, not making me take off my clothes. I didn’t want him touching me but I didn’t want to be left alone either. Thinking of how gross I was. Thinking of how the only people that would ever want me after what I had done would be people like the brotherhood, people like him and Da. He hugged me tightly until I started to quiet down to a sniffle pulling away once he knew my tears were mostly spent.

  
“You want to tell what that was about?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Nothing I’m sorry,” I said shaking my head moving to pull my shirt over my head.

  
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling it down, “Not that I don’t appreciate you being so forward but I want to hear about what’s going on.”

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said quietly hugging myself trying to avoid his eyes. The way they were looking at me like he was faking compassion but really excited to hear what I had to say about it.

  
“You can tell me anything baby. You know that,” he said touching my cheek making my close my eyes trying to keep myself calm.

  
“I did something bad,” I barely managed to mutter before I started crying again.

  
“What do you think you did that’s so bad?” Leo asked me.

  
I shook my head pulling my knees into my chest burying my face into them. I didn’t want to talk about this. How I deserved to die, how I had hurt him so badly I knew he would never forgive me. How even though my Da had made me do it, it was my fault.  
“Hey, you’re ok,” Leo said quietly, “Tell me about it. Does this have to do with your Dad?”

  
“I didn’t want to,” I whispered quietly into my knees, “He made me do it.”

  
“What did he make you do?” He asked me.

  
“He made me touch him. I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to but, I did,” I muttered more to myself then to Leo.

  
“Made you touch who? One of your brothers?” Leo asked me his eyes lighting up making my head spin with anxiety, “If he did that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with loving your brothers as long as your Dad said it’s ok baby. You shouldn’t be upset. I’m sure you didn’t hurt anyone.”

  
“No, he didn’t want me to. I know he didn’t want me to,” I muttered starting to rock back and forth

.  
“Well, he’s a kid just like you baby. He doesn’t know what he wants, what’s best for him so that’s ok,” Leo said, “Stop rocking baby you’re making me nervous.”

  
I swallowed closing my eyes. I didn’t want to think of it like that. I knew I had hurt him even if he hadn’t had the chance to tell me that I had. Even if he would never say it. I had come inside of him, his mouth and his ass. I had raped him and some sick twisted part of me had obviously enjoyed it otherwise I wouldn’t have orgasmed, right?

  
Leo grabbed the back of my knee pulling one of my legs down out of my grasps and forcing me backwards into the couch before I could stop him. All I could think was god no, please god no I can’t do this. I couldn’t. His hands slid up under the hem of my shirt as I cried him using my shirt to trap my arms so I couldn’t fight back.

  
“Please I don’t want to, please don’t,” I begged him his lips brushing against my skin his tongue teasing against my collar bones and neck, “Please stop, no. No don’t please.”

  
I begged him the whole time. I begged him to stop as he pulled off my pants and threw them on the floor. As he grabbed the lube on the side table behind my head and forced his fingers inside of me. As he eventually replaced his fingers with his dick. I begged and cried the whole time and he didn’t care. He didn’t care one bit. He cared so little he kissed his way down my body doing the one thing I hated the most. When he was done he got up pulling my shirt down and kissing me on the cheek even though I was numb.

  
“That was great baby, I have a little bit of paper work to do. Here’s the remote you can watch whatever you want ok?” He said as he got up pulling his pants back up and leaving the room.

  
I don’t know how long I sat there the remote loosely propped in my hand before I heard the door open and looked over to see Dick walking up the stairs.

  
“Dude it seems like someone fuck…” He turned to look at me and laughed, “Hi Johnny.”

  
I turned away from him pulling my knees into my chest. I didn’t want to “play” with him. I didn’t want him to do that to me. Even though I knew I deserved it over and over again until the universe ended for what I had done to Will. I wanted to die.

  
“Not going to speak to me?” Dick scoffed, “Really? You’re in my house my Dad’s cum is in your ass the least you can do is say hi.”

  
“hi,” I barely muttered.

  
“Hi,” he said putting his backpack down and sitting down next to me on the couch causing me to tense, “It’s ok.”

  
“Please,” I said trying to pull as far away from him as possible.

  
“Look there is nothing that is making me hot and bothered about you right now. I like a fight yeah, but this isn’t a fight this is surrendering,” Dick said looking at me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
Dick sighed loudly looking at me shaking his head, “Really? You going to tell me what’s wrong or sit here with your dick out basically begging me to suck it but making me want to vomit all at once?”

  
“Sorry I’ll go to the bedroom,” I said standing up and leaving the room going into Leo’s bedroom and crawling into his bed. I didn’t want to be there but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t feel like there was anywhere else to go. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

  
The smell of food aroused me making me feel sick to my stomach. I had barely eaten in three days and had been eating less and less at every meal. Everything made my stomach turn just the mere thought of food making me feel sick let alone the smell of it. I didn’t want anything to do with whatever it was as Leo pushed the door open slowly bringing in a bowl of soup.

  
“What is that?” I asked quietly barely bothering to peek out of the covers.

  
“veggie soup that you’re going to eat,” he said sitting down on the bed beside me.

  
“I’m not hungry,” I told him.

  
“I know but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to eat. I know an eating disorder when I see one and you’re not going to do that in my house. You are going to eat whether you want to or not. Or I can shove a feeding tube down your throat all it takes is one call to Vic because he has the equipment to do it,” Leo told me holding out a spoon with broth and tiny chopped carrots and celery on it.

  
“I really, I’m not hungry,” I answered again shaking my head.

  
“You need to eat. Don’t make me call Vic and shove a tube in your nose and tie you to this bed because I won’t be happy about it,” Leo told me.

  
I sighed. I didn’t think my stomach could handle the soup and I didn’t want to eat. Eating meant giving them control especially eating something he had picked for me to eat. I had already given him everything I felt like I had. I had let him hear my truth, know how horrible I was and then he had made me cum twice. I didn’t want to eat because eating meant giving him one more thing. One last part of me that I hadn’t been allowed to keep for myself.

  
“Last chance,” he said to me, “Eat.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Fine,” He gave me a tight-lipped smile, “I’ll be back.”

  
He got up taking the soup with him. I buried myself back into the covers curling into a ball. I was tired. My whole body hurt having had a lot of sex recently with what felt like too many people. I don’t know how long I was there until Leo came back into the bedroom some scarfs in his hand and Vic behind him carrying a very large medical bag.

  
“You were serious?” I asked confused.

  
“Yes, dead serious. You’re way too thin baby,” Leo told me.

  
“Yeah kiddo you’ve been sick for a while. I was hoping that things would start getting better soon but they aren’t. You look thinner every time I see you. I’m going to check your weight and sugar and blood pressure and I’m going to put you on a diet and check up on you every day you should be gaining 2 to three pounds a week and after three months if you’re not doing that I’m going to be calling the health center in Chicago. They have limited beds but if I talk to them about it now they can have one ready in three months just in case it’s needed. You have to start eating. I can’t let you in good conscious kill yourself,” Vic told me.

  
“Vic, you don’t get it, I can’t. This body doesn’t even belong to me so why even bother with it?” I asked me.

  
“Because John you have to live in it and one day it will be yours. You want it to still be here don’t you?” Vic asked me frowning, “When you’re done with them you want to be healthy and able to live your life right? If you don’t eat you’re going to make yourself really sick. You could have a heart attack. Do you want to do that to your brothers and sisters? Because I don’t think you do. I don’t think you’d ever do anything to purposely hurt them and that would hurt them so badly they’d never recover. So please, just for this weekend all right? Just until your stomach gets a little bigger.”

  
“Now, let’s get you on the scale in the bathroom and check your weight ok?” Leo said helping me up.

  
He was right I was weak and tired. I was also feeling dizzy because he helped me to my feet too fast. It just felt like every time I ate normally I was throwing up my food because of anxiety or my stomach was beyond upset and so I just didn’t eat. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to but I wasn’t hungry or everything hurt too much, made me feel too sick so I didn’t. I had known I was sick but I didn’t think I was sick enough to warrant this much attention. It explained another reason why I was sleeping all the time even though at the time it hadn’t occurred to me that it might be a contributing factor.

  
I was out of the hospital at that point for about three months they checked my weight first and I heard Vic sigh sadly as the numbers settled under my feet, “You weigh 89 pounds John,” Vic told me, “Ok let’s check your sugar and your blood pressure.”

  
My blood pressure came back low and so did my sugar which neither were surprising considering the bad physical and mental condition I was in. I sighed really tired and feeling really stupid. Pat had been right. I was too thin and you probably could count my ribs. His worry hadn’t been unwarranted after all.

  
“Ok, I’m going to tie you up now just because I don’t want you pulling the tube out ok baby?” Leo said taking one of my wrists gently and securing it to the headboard as he did the same with the other one.

  
“You need to let him rest this weekend Leo,” Vic told him and Leo nodded his head. Vic told me to take a deep breath through my nose and swallow repeatedly. I did just that, the cold slimly thing going down my nose he taped it to the side of my face after looping it around my ear to keep it in place and then took this bag filled with what looked like milk and hooked it up to the tube.

  
“It’ll feel kind of cold but once the bag is empty wait three hours and then hook up a new one. I brought this,” he said pulling a big box out of his medical bag, “there should be enough for the weekend and then we’ll take you off of it and see how you do. Try to eat something ok?” Vic said.

  
I spent most of the weekend in Leo’s bed as he brought me fruit and changed my “feed bag” as Dick fondly called it coming in at different points to mock me and taunt me. But for once in months no one touched me for a period of more than 24 hours. When Monday came he unhooked the bag and took out the tube telling me to cough as he pulled it out my nose feeling dry and sore but grateful not to have a tube anymore. It was a much-needed break. I was thankful for it. But I knew the odds of the peace of being tied to a bed with a tube down my nose wouldn’t last.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pat and John reconnect at school and some truths come out. Pat has trouble keeping his temper in check. John does something to keep Pat from facing a harsh punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 624 to 655 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced anal fingering, forced oral, child molestation, consensual underage kissing, mental health issues, Eating Disorder** 512 pages left means you're nearly have way to part 3.

Leo dropped me off at school in time for me to find Pat and Cole standing there waiting for me. I was worried because they looked overly nervous to see me and it made me wonder what exactly had happened that they had decided to greet me right outside the building instead of waiting in our usual spot.

  
“Hey,” Cole said smiling at me and waving shyly.

  
“Hi,” I answered, “What’s up?”

  
“Huh, not much how was your weekend?” Cole asked.

  
“Like you didn’t hear?” I asked.

  
“Ok, fine. Fine we heard you were tied up and hooked to a feeding tube,” Cole told me.

  
“If I can count on Dick for anything it’s to be a dick,” I sighed nodding my head.

  
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Pat asked me shaking his head at me.

  
“I don’t know, I just…I didn’t realize it was a problem,” I answered.

  
“I told you it was Rabbit,” Pat said.

  
“I know, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. It’s just my stomach hurts all the time. Whenever I eat normal I throw up constantly and I never feel hungry so I just…” I trailed off.

  
“Quit eating?” Pat finished, “You need to eat sweetie ok? Please if you can’t eat for yourself do it for me ok?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t know how else to explain it but he was right. If I couldn’t eat for me I should eat for him, for everyone else that cared about me. Since the feeding tube had gone in though I had felt better. I had slept better but then again Leo hadn’t touched me again sexually after that first rape that weekend and neither had Dick so that could have had a lot to do with it as well. I thought about that again. Dick, how he had said what he did that he wanted to…I felt like I couldn’t breathe and Pat must have seen it in the face.

  
“What’s going on?” Pat asked me, “What are you thinking?”

  
“About Dick,” I said quietly “about stuff…”

  
“Don’t think about that Sweetie ok?” Pat sighed, “Don’t think about him.”

  
“He said…,” I bit my lip starting to feel it tremble knowing I was getting ready to start crying.

  
“Hey, come on,” Pat said grabbing my hand gently leading back into our spot, “There we go. Some privacy, ok?” He said wrapping his arms around me rubbing my shoulder, “Just take your time.”

  
“He said he wanted to…,” I took a deep breath again.

  
“Take your time. You’re ok Rabbit,” Pat said.

  
“He wanted to suck me,” I said finally getting it out feeling like I couldn’t breathe for a second waiting for Pat to respond.

  
“That was probably scary,” Pat told me, “Especially being trapped at his Dad’s house with him there.”

  
“They all scare me,” I answered, “All the time. They say things that…they say bad things.”

  
“I’m sure they do,” Pat said pressing his forehead to mine, “But you have to remember they are saying those things to make you feel bad ok? They are saying those things because they know those things upset you. That hearing that stuff from them makes you feel dirty. You can’t listen to them John, all right?”

  
“I don’t need them to make me feel dirty,” I responded, “I am dirty.”

  
“No Rabbit you’re not dirty at all. You’re sweet and kind and handsome, and funny and smart. You’re anything but dirty. I know that’s not how you feel but that’s the truth and they don’t want you to see that,” he told me.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I did something really bad Pat. Really really bad and I’m just like them. Somewhere deep down I’m just like them and they all know it.”

  
“Whatever you think you did, it’s not so bad it can’t be forgiven. You would never hurt anyone like they do. Not ever and I know that. Anyone that knows you knows that,” Pat told me.

  
“No, I’m like them,” I said again.

  
“No!” Pat said forcefully, “You are nothing like them. If you were like them you would have showed it long before now. Why do you think you’re like them?”

  
“I did something really bad,” I said again.

  
“You haven’t done anything bad enough that I would ever stop loving you. I can’t imagine you ever doing that so why are you scared to tell me what it was? Because I know that’s why you haven’t said it. Because whatever it is its eating you up inside and you’re afraid that I’ll hate you if you tell me. I swear to God and all the saints and angels in the world that I will never stop loving you,” Pat told me a tear sliding down his face making me start to cry, “Please don’t shut me out. Don’t torture yourself Rabbit please.”

  
“He made me have sex with him,” I barely muttered.

  
“What sweetie?” Pat asked me quietly, “What happened?”

  
“Da made me have sex with Will,” I said before I almost started outright sobbing.

  
“Shhh…it’s ok. Whatever your Da made you do that was him, that wasn’t you. I know you better than anyone else in the world and you have done everything you can to protect that kid. You would never ever hurt him like that unless you were forced to. You would die for him because you love him and all of your brothers and sisters like I loved Charlie. I know I would have moved the universe for Charlie, I would have done anything to keep Charlie safe and I know you’ll do the same for every one of them. I can’t imagine whatever happened being your fault.”

  
“But I…” I couldn’t even say it out loud. I couldn’t admit that to anyone. It was hard enough to accept it myself. I couldn’t tell Pat that. He would hate me forever and I knew it.

  
“You what? You have a body that responds to people touching it? To friction? Rabbit we all do that. It doesn’t matter how scared or forced or angry or hurt we are we’re so young that we can get it up for a good ham sandwich ok? You’re human and I promise you Will probably doesn’t see it that way. Have you talked to him since it happened?” Pat asked me.

  
I shook my head, “No he left after it was over. Left me with Da. I think he hates me.”

  
“No,” Pat said, “Will’s smart. He knows you didn’t want to do that. He doesn’t hate you.”

  
“I think he does,” I answered.

  
“Hey, I’ll prove it to you ok? At lunch after you eat real food we’re going to talk to him. I’ll ask him straight up if he hates you. I bet you a bag of skittles that he doesn’t. If I win you have to eat them all right?” He told me.

  
“Skittles?” I asked.

  
“They are your favorite candy,” he told me.

  
“True,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Good it’s settled then. We’ll see if we can speak with him at lunch and then a bag of skittles when he admits to you he doesn’t hate you and that he understands what happened wasn’t your fault just like it wasn’t his,” Pat told me as the bell rang, “Let’s get to class ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head as I walked forward back towards the building and down the hall towards first hour.

  
First hour was the same boring stuff as usual a lot of math work and some discussions on how to find x and all of that math stuff. However, second hour while it was an everyday type of day always made me nervous because it was Finick’s class and Finick had this horrible habit of watching me while he taught the class. This week staring at me while going over weather phenomenon. Hurricanes, tropical storms, Tornados all of those types of things. When the movie went on I got nervous because I knew he was always watching me but he always got closer to me when the lights went off. That wasn’t something I could deal with today. I started shaking clenching my fist trying to claim myself down.

  
Dom tapped me on the shoulder quietly, “Are you ok?”

  
I exhaled deeply and slowly shook my head. I knew what was going to happen once the light went off and I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him behind me rubbing my shoulders and telling me those things that he did. Not today.

  
“Hey,” Dom said, “It’s all right ok? He can’t do anything to you here.”

  
“He can say stuff,” I answered quietly.

  
“I hear him say anything I will call him out on it ok? Trust me. I’m not going to let him bother you, all right?” Dom told me and I nodded my head.

  
I trusted Dom. I trusted Dom to stick up for me just like I trusted Pat even if my feelings for them weren’t the same. I could talk to Dom about anything any fears I had or thoughts and he wouldn’t judge me. That while maybe he might have a little crush on me I could trust him.

  
The lights went off and the movies started but Finick didn’t walk up to me. He didn’t say anything and I thought it would be ok other than the fact that I felt like I was being squeezed and my chest felt tight no matter how much I tried to relax. I was sure things would be ok until I saw him move. He walked up and down the row behind me and then I felt him lean over the back of my chair causing my breath to catch as I felt his hands go to my shoulders causing me to tense.

  
“You just melted a little bit,” he laughed into my ear.

  
I heard someone laugh behind me, “The tornado isn’t the only thing that wants to devour everything in its path.”

  
Father Finick turned taking a step back from me, “Behave class, no talking.” He moved away and continued walking throughout the classroom.

  
It didn’t take long after that for the video to stop and the lights to go back on. I felt dizzy and kind of sick to my stomach but thankful that whoever that was had said that. I wasn’t sure if they could tell how close he was up against me in the dark but whomever it was they had noticed it enough to say something. When the bell rang Pat came over to me his backpack already slung over his one shoulder.

  
“You ready?” He asked me.

  
“For what?” I asked confused.

  
“Skittles,” he reminded me.

  
“Oh…,” I said nodding my head because we only had about 10 or so minutes to go to the lower school find Will and ask him if he hated me more not and I was dreading his answer.

  
“Come on, it’s not going to end the world,” Pat said as he grabbed my hand pulling me along down the hall until we got to the glass double doors near the office area that were labeled “lower school” on the frosted glass and walked through them quickly. He ran to the lower school café looking to see if he could find him and sure enough we spotted his blond head standing up after tying his shoe and he saw us frowning and coming over.

  
“Hey,” he said looking at Pat but not at me.

  
“Hey man can we talk for a second?” Pat asked Will who finally shot me a look and sighed.

  
“I think this is a talk that him and I need to have alone Pat,” Will answered him honestly.

  
“Probably but he thinks you hate him,” Pat answered.

  
“I don’t hate you John,” Will sighed looking at me sadly, “I could never hate you it’s just…I didn’t talk to you before I went to school Friday because I knew you were tired and it was weird ok? Can we talk about it at home?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“I win. You get skittles and you have to eat them all,” Pat said pulling a bag of skittles out of his pocket.

  
“Wait you’ve had these the whole time?” I asked him and Will chuckled behind his hand.

  
“Maybe…what are you going to do about it?” Pat teased me.

  
“Guys…I’m not the only 11-year-old here…,” Will pointed out coughing.

  
“Fair enough,” Pat said handing me the skittles, “Come on let’s get back to class. I have to deal with fucking Gus.”

  
“Mhm,” I said nodding my head, “Me too.”

  
“Yes, and I shall protect you with my life.” Pat said.

  
Will snorted into his own hand and then muttered, “That’s not what you’re going to protect him with.”

  
“HEY, don’t be dirty,” Pat warned pointing a finger at Will.

  
“Did I miss something?” I asked confused.

  
“It’s nothing,” Will said, “Get to class before you get in trouble for skipping. By the way your face is actually looking a lot better than it was last time I saw it under any light.”

  
“Thank you,” I said, “You’re face doesn’t look too bad either Will.”

  
Will laughed at that, “Well I wasn’t sporting a domino mask around my eyes that wouldn’t come off.”

  
“Come on we’ve got to go,” Pat said, “Eat those in class.”

  
We almost sprinted back to the upper class and barely made it into the room before the last bell rang.

  
“I really hope people were running in the halls together and not committing graver sins gentlemen,” Father McClairen said to us causing the whole class to snicker, “Take your seats gentlemen.”

  
“Can anyone tell me what was going on in the world in the 1840’s?” Father McClairen asked.

  
“The Oregon trail was being utilized to bring people to the Northwest of the United States,” Jesus answered.

  
“Anyone else know what’s going on?”

  
“The Great Potato Famine and Queen Victoria started her reign as Queen that lasted until 1901,” I answered.

  
“Very good anyone else?” Father McClairen asked.

  
“A lot of revolutions and people started taking a really close look at slavery and how bad it was,” Caesar answered.

  
“Good, now Slavery that’s a good one. The abolitionist movement had really started to take off in the 1840’s and was different from other anti-slavery movements because of the fact it focused on the a very important book that appealed to many people. Does anyone know which book that was? Yes, Mr. Morrow you know which book that was?”

  
“The bible,” Dom answered.

  
“Yes! Very good, very nice indeed. Our book tells everyone to love thy neighbor it also says that Whoever steals a man and sells him, and anyone found in possession of him, shall be put to death. Exodus 21:16 can anyone tell me what that means simply?”

  
“That Slavery is wrong?” Someone in the back asked.

  
“Yes, slavery is wrong. It is one thing to have someone work for you, serve you as many of you know. Some of you have nannies at home and cooks, and maids but they are paid. They are paid with hard work, money and knowledge. They are paid with their sacrifice to you and thanks of the lord for helping provide for you his most important creation; his children. The children of man. Those who would take someone and make them be slaves shall be put to death. Those who do such things are punished in the afterlife by God himself for taking the freedom from those around them. The bible said this again and again and this was used to point out to slave masters of the south no one has the right to take another’s freedom from them, to take labor from them without paying them back and giving them compensation for their hard work.” Father McClairen said.

  
“But hasn’t slavery always been around?” Someone in the back asked.

  
“Yes, but that’s why we were so against it because we had seen those injustices done. We had seen people suffer from slavery and through our ability to educate those slaves we had brought Christiany and God’s holy word forth into the world and when one was educated and had worked off their debt back in the time of the Romans when they were godless a person could earn their freedom. In the American south a person hardly ever earned their freedom it could be given to them by their owner if they so pleased but they never had to promise a slave their freedom for any reason. Many people who were born slaves died slaves,” Father McClairen answered.

  
“How does the bible define slavery?” Pat asked and Father McClairen smirked at him.

  
“Very good question Mr. Kingly,” Father McClairen said, “Slavery is holding a person against their will for a long period of time and making them work without pay.”

  
“What does work entail…” Pat asked Father McClairen and I pitched him, “OW!”

  
“Stop it,” I barely muttered.

  
He was pushing it. He knew he was pushing it. Yeah, the brotherhood was slavery but they didn’t see it that way. They didn’t see pushing someone face first down into a bed and having them lay there as work. They saw it as “education” according to Leo. Still others in the brotherhood just saw it as downright fun. I didn’t want to hear the rest of the discussion and tried my best to tune out before the bell rang releasing us to lunch.

  
“Mr. Kingly, Mr. McGregor a moment if you will,” he said motioning us to wait for everyone else to leave the class, “You Patrick quit being a smart ass. I knew what you were getting at and obviously John here knew what you were getting at. At least I’m assuming that’s where the pinch came from, yes?”

  
“Yes sir,” I answered taking great interest in my shoes.

  
“He cares about you a little too much I think, and that smart mouth that I really love,” McClairen said as I snapped my eyes up to look at Pat who was turning red.

  
“Not funny,” he muttered.

  
“Who said I was trying to be funny?” Gus said shrugging his shoulders, “Speak of that smart, that perfect mouth…” Gus said his eyes getting that glazed over look in his eyes looking at Pat.

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What you want to?” He asked me.

  
Giving blow jobs was something that I didn’t do often because my Da seemed more interested in the reverse action. However, I did have experience in that department from being young. I actually hated the taste of it unless it was Pat because Pat always tasted clean and smelled good and everyone else tasted like old gym socks and something else that I can’t describe.

  
“No,” Pat said shaking his head at me, “No.”

  
“Pat…” I said, “It’s ok. It’s just one more person.”

  
“No, I’m not ok with this. Gus, come on,” Pat said going to get on his knees grabbing the front of Gus’s pants.

  
“No,” I said again, “I won’t let you.”

  
“Let me? Fucking let me? You think you can tell me what am I allowed and not allowed to do? Are you serious?” Pat asked me from the floor.

  
“Said the guy who wants me to eat skittles on a bet,” I sighed.

  
“You still haven’t,” Pat pointed out.

  
“Yeah because they’re skittles and he’s probably lying,” I answered.

  
“He’s not lying he doesn’t hate you,” Pat said.

  
“Oh, gossip nice. Now who hates who?” Gus asked.

  
“I’d hate me if I was him,” I answered.

  
“How could anyone hate you? Those green eyes, those pouty lips, those freckles…” Gus said pulling Pat’s attention back to him.

  
“Don’t talk about him like that. He’s not a thing,” Pat told him, “You want this blowjob you’ll keep anything that describes him and his name out of your mouth you understand Gus?”

  
“I take it he didn’t tell you then?” Gus asked looking down at him.

  
“Don’t,” I said swallowing.

  
I didn’t want Pat to know that. Know what Gus had done to me at the party. I hadn’t told him because it would make his life harder. Because he would be angrier with Gus. It was hard to let someone crawl on top of you when you hated them for raping someone you cared about more than you cared about yourself. That’s why I had such a hard time with Da a lot of the time. Because I knew what he did to them, to my little brothers and sisters.

  
“Don’t what beautiful?” Gus taunted walking towards me, “And yet you were going to give me one instead of him. You’re backing away from me.”

  
“What is he talking about?” Pat asked standing up.

  
“You really didn’t tell him? This is good. You’re that ashamed that you liked it huh?” Gus said still coming closer.

  
“Gus what are you talking about?” Pat hissed.

  
“Does he know about the first time? How I bent you over that table back there? How you were shaking you were so scared like you’re shaking right now?” Gus kept talking.

  
“GUS LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Pat yelled causing Father McClairen to turn his attention to Pat.

  
“So, he didn’t tell you, did he? What happened at the Villa? That I sucked him until he was dry and shivering while your Dad fucked him making him squirm as your Dad rammed up inside of him? You don’t know anything about that? And I thought you two were best friends surely that’s something you would tell your best friend about?” Gus asked turning his attention back to me, “Or do you really not care about his feelings? Or were you doing what you two seem to do which is protect him from knowing things you feel like he shouldn’t know?”

  
I didn’t even realize I was crying until I went to open my mouth and felt a tear drip onto my lips. I didn’t tell him exactly because of that. I didn’t tell him because he shouldn’t have to know. He shouldn’t have to lie down with this guy whenever he was told he needed to knowing that. Knowing that he had raped me.

  
“John?” Pat said is brow furrowing, “Did he really?”

  
I felt my lip starting to tremble and my vision blurred and I knew I was crying too heavily to see. I hadn’t wanted him to know. I was ashamed about it too. Ashamed that Gus had touched me like that.

  
“You did! WHY!? WHY?!! YOU HAVE ME! YOU HAVE ME EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT YOU WANT ME SO WHY DO IT TO HIM?” Pat almost shouted the pitch in his voice getting higher.

  
“Sometimes it’s nice to sample everything on the platter Patrick,” Gus answered him.

  
“So, you think that’s means it’s ok to…He can’t deal with that. You know what his life is like? He never gets left alone and yet you did that to him?” Pat said, “What is wrong with you?”

  
“Pat, I…” Pat cut me off.

  
“Don’t you dare say it Johnathan. Don’t you dare because this is not your fault. I’m not angry with you even for a second. I’m fucking angry with him. You bend me over and fuck me and then you mess with him? No, No, does Leo even know?” Pat asked.

  
“What happens at the Villa is outside of contracts. Contracts have no standing at the Villa,” Gus said, “and now you have sufficiently wasted enough of my time that I’m not getting any until later this evening if at all so take him and go,” Gus said opening the classroom door.

  
I didn’t wait for Pat to catch up to me. I sprinted into the nearest bathroom picking a stall and slamming it shut. I didn’t want to think about this, didn’t want to have to worry about this but I was. Pat was probably so fucking angry with me, so upset. I tried to slow my breathing and keep my tears from coming but I couldn’t. He knew I was nothing but a slut. That everyone touched me. He even said so himself that I never got left alone.

  
“Rabbit are you in here?” I heard Pat ask quietly.

  
“I don’t want to talk right now,” I mumbled.

  
“Rabbit, I understand why you didn’t tell me but you know it’s not your fault, right?” He asked me.

  
“Of course, it’s my fault. You said so yourself I never get left alone. I’m just…”

  
“Whatever you think you are you’re very far from it Rabbit. I promise. Come out here please?” He said quietly.

  
“You deserve someone else,” I answered, “You deserve someone who hasn’t had everyone use them.”

  
“Come out here or I’ll crawl under the stall to get to you and honestly I’m afraid of what might be on this floor,” Pat said and I sighed opening the door quietly.

  
Before I could react, he had grabbed me pressing his lips to mine. Even though my face was covered in snot and gross and I couldn’t breathe all that well. He held me and he kissed me his hands struggling to find their way under my clothes under my uniform so they could be against my skin before he realized what he was doing and pulled away looking at me closely his eyes wide.

  
“Oh my god I’m so sor…”

  
I pushed back against him ramming my tongue in his mouth pushing him against the stall wall. My hands trying to find their way into his clothes this time. God, he felt amazing. He tasted of chocolate and pretzels and tobacco and everything wonderful and soft and good. When I felt like he couldn’t breathe I broke apart from him, letting him catch his breath as his hands held onto my waist.

  
“What was that for?” He asked me.

  
“Making me not feel like a loser,” I answered, “What was yours for?”

  
“For being you. For being the sweet Rabbit that I know and because you were hurting,” he told me.

  
“I was only hurting because of what I’m am. I’m used Pat, that’s all it is,” I answered.

  
“No, you’re not. You know you don’t want to we go over this every other day we’re together. There’s nothing bad about you Rabbit. I know I’ll never be able to convince you of that but you’re beyond good. You’re the best person I know,” he told me, “You’re not used or broken. You’re you. I love you. Even if I can’t be with you like I want to. Even if I wish that we could…”

  
“That I could suck your dick?” I asked wiping my face and laughing remembering what that had tasted like. Remembering that afternoon by the ocean as he bit his lower lip smiling at me and raising his eyebrows making me miss his lip ring that he always had out when we were at school because of policy.

  
“I won’t deny that,” he answered laughing slightly, “I was thinking mutual activities but that’s a nice one.”

  
“Well it would be mutual otherwise I wouldn’t be saying it,” I said grabbing the back of his neck a little roughly and biting his lip as he laughed some more and I slid my tongue past his lips it tickling the roof of his mouth.

  
I kissed him slow after that, gentle. His hands grabbing my ass while my hands were still on his neck him grinding against me at some point causing me to moan into his mouth. Then we heard the bell ring releasing lunch.

  
“Fuck,” Pat muttered, “You didn’t eat anything.”

  
“We have like three minutes I could…,” I teased.

  
“That’s not lunch. That’s not real food,” he told me shaking his head, “How about you eat the skittles and I run through the lunch line and get us some French fries really quick ok?”

  
I nodded my head before I spoke, “Ok.”

  
“Good, thank you, I’ll be back. Now start heading back but not too fast, all right?” He told me opening the stall door.

  
I waited for him to glance back at me and I nearly melted when he smiled at me before he left the bathroom. I did feel better. After crying and making out I felt loved. I felt wanted by someone I actually wanted and no longer used or gross. At least for that moment even though I also felt a little tight in my uniform in some places and was trying to ignore that. Trying to hope it away but it was a small price to pay for some afternoon fun.

  
I splashed water on my face and left the bathroom realizing I would have to go back to Gus’s class and hating that fact for just a second until I realized my seat was right next to Pat. I was kind of more interested in him then in my history lesson. At least there was a classroom full of people and hopefully Pat would behave himself no matter how much he hated McClairen at the moment. When I got into the classroom Pat wasn’t that far behind me balancing two things of fries in his hand.

  
“Here you go,” he said handing me one of them.

  
I hadn’t been expecting a whole one to myself. I was expecting us to share but I had said I would eat. So, as I sat down I started to eat. I tried to eat as the discussion about slavery around me continued and managed only a couple of fries before my stomach started to feel uncomfortably full. I didn’t force myself to eat anymore even though I knew eventually Pat would look over and notice and he did grabbing my knee gently his eyes questioning.

  
I leaned in and whispered into his ear, “I’m too full.”

  
“You need to try please?” He questioned me.

  
“I did ok? Dr. Palmer said not to push it,” I whispered back.

  
“You care to share with the class you two?” Father McClairen asked.

  
“No sir,” Pat answered coldly, “Nothing to share here.”

  
“Maybe you’ll share with me later?” he said and I knew Pat was shooting him the death stare.

  
I sighed. So, this was going to be my life or at least my history class from now on? Gus making hidden remarks and Pat giving him the stink eye and getting pissed? Awesome. Fucking awesome. And Pat and I weren’t even supposed to be a thing even though that was working out really awesome. I don’t know. I personally thought we weren’t doing horrible until that moment in the bathroom when he shoved his tongue down my throat and I kind of loved it.

  
Now the odd thing about me at the time was I wasn’t gay. I didn’t think of myself as gay but I knew I loved him. And I still love him with all my heart but I still don’t think of myself as gay and he is really the only guy I have ever and will ever feel that way about.

  
Somehow, we managed to get through the rest of the class like that. Certain comments being dropped that way and Pat staring at him stony eyed. When the bell rang he let us go without stopping us and we went on to English. Which was what English always was, reading out of a book.

  
When class was over it didn’t take long to get on the bus and sit down in a seat and Pat sat next to me and sighed and I knew something was up.

  
“So…,” I said quietly.

  
“So…,” he said and then clicked his tongue, “We probably shouldn’t have done that?”

  
“Yeah that’s what I figured was coming,” I answered.

  
“What are we doing?” He asked me.

  
I sighed running a hand through my hair, “I don’t know. I mean we can’t…”

  
“Do this? Yeah, I know. I want to though,” he told me.

  
“Me too. We said at the end of a year remember?” I reminded him.

  
“Yeah,” he told me, “So much for that. I mean we haven’t done anything like that in a while but not long enough.”

  
“Done something like what?” I heard his voice and my head snapped up.

  
“Dick,” Pat said before he looked up, “Do I listen to your private conversations you asshat?”

  
“Asshat?” Dick asked, “That’s a new one and don’t call me Dick.”

  
“Why? We don’t call you Dick because of your impeccable people skills and great manners,” Pat said.

  
“Rich what do you want?” I asked him and his eyes flashed. That’s what caused Pat to stand up.

  
“Don’t answer that question or I’ll punch all the teeth out of your mouth,” Pat hissed.

  
“He’s the one who asked,” Dick said pointedly.

  
“That doesn’t mean you get to taunt him. He told me what you said and that’s not ok,” Pat warned him.

  
“Did he?” He asked smiling, “And you think you’re going to stop it? I could follow him home and take him if I wanted to. I could do it without tying him down too. That was just for convenience.”

  
Just then without warning Pat punched Dick right in the face as Cole and Tosh and Dom got on the bus and the bus driver started yelling.

  
“Holy fuck!” Cole yelled his eyes wide as he jumped on Pat’s back to pull him away and I sat there frozen.

  
Now while I loved Pat and I knew he’d do just about anything for me that was unexpected. Punching someone that close to you when neither one of you had an out with a person next to you that you care about who could easily get hurt is never a good idea which is why I wasn’t expecting it.

  
“Rich stop it!” I yelled as Rich went to go throw a fist back at Pat now that his arms were pinned.

  
“The four of you off my bus you’re suspended from riding the bus for a week. Now you get to go to Watson and tell him it’s for throwing punches,” The bus driver said, “NOW!”

  
“Come on man let’s go,” Cole said moving to pull Pat out of the seat still holding him by the arms.

  
“I’m fine you can let me go. I hope I broke your nose you fucking asshole!” Pat hissed at Dick as Cole let go of his arms and he walked towards the front.

  
“It’s not bleeding. It’s probably not broken. You coming Johnny?” Dick asked before he started laughing and winked at me falling in line behind Cole.

  
“I didn’t even do anything,” I sighed rolling my eyes. This was going to be great considering that last time I was in Watson’s office it was such a kind and welcoming experience. I was still recovering my nose and eyes now a yellow color after the weekend before last but my ribs were still slightly bruised.

  
When we were all off the bus and walking back towards the building the bus driver closed the doors and took off and Pat sighed looking at me.

  
“How long does it take to walk home?” Cole muttered.

  
“Around an hour,” I answered.

  
“Well,” Cole said looking at Pat and I, “We can either walk home today and every day for the next week or we can go in there and tell Watson that someone decided to throw some punches us as Pat explains to everyone why. And then we all get punished some of us worse than others. What’ll be?”

  
“I vote for a nice long walk for the next couple of days, what about you two?” I asked.

  
“I second,” Pat said, “What about you Cole?”

  
“Depends on why you did it,” Cole said turning to Pat, “You’ve been known to get pissed over just about nothing so I want to know why before I vote.”

  
“I’m about to call my Dad so someone is going to hear about it anyway because I don’t have the luxury of walking home in this case,” Dick said.

  
“You wouldn’t,” Pat hissed.

  
“Hey I warned you. I told you, you couldn’t stop me from anything so why did you think throwing a punch at me would change that?” He said pulling out his cell phone.

  
“You call him and tell him I was involved in this you know what he’ll do,” I said quietly, “Please Rich?”

  
“Well, you didn’t really hit me. You just didn’t call your dog off fast enough,” Dick said, “So what are you going to do for me?” He said looking at me closely.

  
“Is that what he did?” Cole asked Pat.

  
“Exactly,” Pat barely said.

  
“Oh, can I get in a smack?” Cole said.

  
“Really? Fucking really? You want him tied down to a bed all weekend getting fucked by every object my Dad owns that will fit up there? If you do say it again or better yet throw a punch see what it earns him.” Dick warned.

  
“Rich please?” I asked. I already felt like I was in deep shit anyway because Leo had only been with me once last weekend before he had dropped me off at school because of the feeding tube.

  
“What are you going to do for me?” He asked me again.

  
“Please?” I begged again.

  
“Well I’m waiting for your answer,” he said.

  
“He’s not doing anything for you,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah?” Dick said “You think you can stop me? I’m giving this one over to him it’s his choice to make.”

  
“What type of choice is that?” Cole asked, “Go into the bushes with you for 2 minutes so you can do whatever you want to him? Or you call your Dad so he gets the shit beat out of him next weekend on top of everything else he has to go through when he goes over to Leo’s? That’s not a choice that’s blackmail and he didn’t even do anything.”

  
“He’s right. You want someone to do something for you I’ll do it. Leave him out of it,” Pat said.

  
“I’m not interested in you,” Dick answered, “And it would take a lot more than two minutes I’m not 13.”

  
“No, he is!” Cole said exasperated, “You know how nasty that is that you want to …”

  
“I didn’t tell you what I want,” Dick said, “For all you know I was going to leave it up to him. Or maybe I just want to have a nice chat with our friend here. Maybe next time you will think about being nicer to me. Won’t you Patrick?”

  
“He told me what you said!” Pat hissed, “You can’t say that him!”

  
“What did I…?” Dicks eyes lit up with understand, “So you’re telling people then?”

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
“I’m not people,” Pat hissed.

  
“What are you then?” Dick asked.

  
“His best friend!” Pat said.

  
“How many times are we going to go over this Johnny? Who is he to you?” He asked me.

  
“My best friend,” I answered, “And it was just him. You’ve told a ton of people about the fact that you…”

  
“Actually, I haven’t said anything about what I thought about it. But, apparently you’ve told everyone about it though so maybe I should …” Dick said.

  
“I haven’t even told him what he told me,” Pat said referring to Cole.

  
“I’m not sure I even want to know,” Cole muttered.

  
“Dick here is a homophobe,” Pat hissed smiling, “But Dick is gay.”

  
“No?” Cole said sarcastically, “Really Pat how is that a secret?”

  
Dick’s face turned red, “I am NOT GAY!”

  
“You’re gay and you have a huge boner inducing crush on John here,” Pat accused.

  
“I do not! I like taunting him. That doesn’t make me gay,” Dick hissed.

  
“So, what? you sticking your dick up his ass was the ultimate game of gay chicken?” Cole asked rolling his eyes, “The video is all over the website. Anyone whose Dad doesn’t clear their browser that’s in the brotherhood as seen it and heard what you said to him.”

  
I flinched at that. It was bad enough knowing they had seen it let alone heard it. Heard what he said to me. That he was going to make it feel good. Watch that video as I couldn’t control my gasping and moaning.

  
“That doesn’t mean everyone else knows and it’s going to stay that way,” Dick said, “Or all of you are going to pay.”

  
“Well as a general rule of thumb when you’re not around we like to pretend we don’t even know who you are,” Cole scoffed, “Please. You’re not that special Dick. We don’t care about you. Or at least we didn’t until apparently you decided that taunting him was ok. You know how often he hears that stuff? Guy can’t even take a compliment because it feels like a come on to him. Last time I told him he was great he fucking shuddered. You don’t need to do it too. And worse yet you probably know exactly what it feels like and that’s why you’re doing it.”

  
“If any of them said that stuff to me, not that I would tell if they did, it would make my dick hard but they don’t so I wouldn’t know,” Dick said.

  
“You’re lying and you fucking know it,” Cole hissed.

  
“No, I’m not. He gets hard when they say it,” Dick said, “I can prove it if you want me to.”

  
“He’s 13. He gets a boner over French fries, he did earlier,” Cole said and Pat coughed.

  
“Yeah man. I’m a year older than he is and a lot more developed. If someone touches me the right way they could turn me on. Like take you for example and I personally want to break your fucking face,” Pat said.

  
“Are you going to let me prove that?” Dick asked.

  
“Fuck no,” Pat hissed, “You touch me you’re dead.”

  
“Well I’m not interested in touching you anyway,” Dick said looking at me again.

  
I had been standing there silent the whole time listening to them fight about me because I honestly had nothing to say. I felt like not saying anything would get me into trouble and saying something would let them know what I was. That I was willing to do anything to avoid having the shit beat out of me while I was being raped. That I was willing to get on my knees and suck Dick’s cock if it would keep Allan away from me because he terrified me. They all terrified me. Yeah, I could get used to being roughed up a little bit but, having my ribs kicked in was something I didn’t see myself getting used to.

  
“Dick leave him alone,” Pat said again.

  
“No, he’s contracted to my dad. My Dad said if I ever asked he had to allow it. So, I’m not asking. I’m demanding,” Dick said looking at me licking his lips.

  
“I won’t let you,” Pat said.

  
“You don’t have any say,” Dick said again, “You hit me, you come after me you see those pretty green eyes? They pay the price. You want to see his arm broken? Maybe his leg? Maybe, he’ll have a different type of accident. He does spend a lot of time with it out. All it takes a squeeze and twist. Now that, that would really hurt.”

  
Everything started blinking and my hearing felt underwater. I knew what it was as it was happening but couldn’t sit down fast enough as the spots started growing bigger the sun setting and rising really fast and before I knew it, it went down for good. I had fainted probably from a number of things. One of them being extreme anxiety and the other being malnutrition.

  
When I came to Dick was holding me and Cole and Pat were both screaming at him telling him to leave me alone and I knew what was going on but everything felt slow, and stupid and it didn’t make sense. I went to go stand and realized my feet weren’t on the ground but I wasn’t on the ground either that he was holding me. He shook his head and said something to me I don’t remember hearing. Almost like my ears weren’t working and things started to become clearer the longer I looked around.

  
“Let me go,” I said.

  
“No,” Dick said, “I don’t think I will but I’ll give you guys a deal. He rides home with me I won’t do anything right now and I won’t let my dad punish him for you punching me in the face because he’s probably not walking anywhere. Not that he should have been anyway. Did you know he was on a feeding tube this weekend because he’s so tiny?” Dick said looking closely at me, “He weighs like nothing in my arms right now.”

  
“Fine,” Pat said, “Fine just don’t hurt him please.”

  
“All right,” Dick answered, “Ready to stand on your own two feet?”

  
“Yes,” I said but the moment he put me down I felt unsteady and like I was going to be sick. I wobbled slightly but Pat rushed to my side.

  
“You’re all right. I’ve got you,” he told me.

  
“Don’t let me go with him,” I breathed as Dick started dialing Leo.

  
“Well you just fainted and you shouldn’t be walking that far anyway. So maybe it’s better if we just let him take you home ok? I know it sucks and I’m sorry Rabbit. I really am. I’m sorry I did this to you but, I don’t know what to do,” Pat told me.

  
“Making me go with them isn’t going to make me eat anymore then I already am,” I argued.

  
“True,” Cole said, “But you don’t need to be burning calories. You need to consume more of them and walking an hour which is like what three or more miles home is not going to keep you from losing calories that you need.”

  
“He’s going…” I said.

  
“He just said he wouldn’t hurt you. He agreed he wouldn’t,” Pat reminded me.

  
“You don’t get it Pat. Hurt for them isn’t the same thing as it is for us. He’s going to do what he wants with me.” I told him.

  
“Ok, he’s coming and he says he’ll take John home,” Rich said, “He also said I have some explaining to do about why I missed the bus because I chose not to tell him on the phone about the fact I was on the bus but someone decided to deck me and it got us all kicked off and suspended from riding it for a week.”

  
“You promise you won’t hurt him?” Pat asked Dick again.

  
“I promise,” Dick said.

  
“Nothing sexual he doesn’t want,” Pat added.

  
“Now that…I’m not sure I can promise that,” he said.

  
“Then I can’t let him go with you and Leo,” Pat said.

  
“You don’t have a choice,” Dick said, “My Dad will be here any minute. I suggest you two take off.”

  
“Pat don’t make me ride with him,” I said looking at Pat.

  
“You have to,” Pat answered, “I know you hate me right now but I would be a bad friend if I let you walk with us.”

  
“I don’t hate you. I just don’t want to do that type of stuff with either of them,” I answered.

  
“Then you tell them that ok? And when you get home no matter what I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Pat told me and I nodded my head, “I think Cole and I should take off, get a head start. I’ll see you later ok?”

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Man,” Cole said clapping Pat hard on the back to which I heard an “ow” mumbled as they started walking away, “I got to give you some major tips here…”

  
I sighed looking at Dick just kind of hoping he would stay where he was. I still felt kind of light headed but I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I knew he would do something bad. That he would make me do something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t care if he was gay and had a crush on me I wasn’t interested in him. No matter how much he pursued or pressured me I didn’t see that changing anytime soon especially when his Da had me…sandwiched between me and a mattress at least twice a day every weekend.

  
“I have a question,” Dick said looking at me.

  
“What?” I asked him, “And please don’t say what I think you’re going to.”

  
“No, it’s a serious question,” Dick stated, “Are you going to tell everyone what they said?”

  
“Dick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t talk to anyone. I talk to Pat and I talk to Dom and Cole and Will and sometimes I talk with Tosh or someone else but hardly ever do I talk to anyone outside of the brotherhood. That and all of the bottoms have probably already guessed that’s what you’re deal is so…why do you care?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t …people just don’t need to know things about me,” Dick answered.

  
“I know more about you then I would like to,” I answered, “If you treated everyone better you wouldn’t draw so much attention then you could be invisible.”

  
“You mean like you?” Dick asked me, “You’re very much not invisible.” He said coming towards me grabbing my forearms tightly and holding me there.

  
“Let me go,” I said trying to jerk away as he tightened his grip.

  
“You’re ok. I’m just looking at you,” Dick said and I shook my head.

  
“I’m not ok with this. Let me go,” I said again still trying to jerk away as my bones started to hurt.

  
“Shhh…calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself,” he told me.

  
“No, you’re the one who is going to hurt me. Let me go Rich please,” I asked.

  
“One kiss,” Dick said looking at me that look flashing in his eyes. Not the look of angry lust but regular lust.

  
I sighed. I really didn’t want to kiss him but he was hurting me. I hated it when they kissed me. The only person I let kiss me was Pat because Pat felt good, tasted good, smelled good. Pat was nice and gentle and safe and would never ever force me to kiss him if I said no.

  
“Ok just…” Before I could finish the sentence, he had shoved his tongue in my mouth and almost down my throat.

  
It wasn’t pleasant, his hands going from my forearms to my neck making it so I couldn’t break it couldn’t even pull my face away from his. I clawed at his hand on the back of my neck until I screamed into his mouth trying to break away. I didn’t like the heat of his mouth on mine, his tongue gliding across my teeth. It made me feel sick and scared and I felt like I was running out of air trying to pull his face off of mine. He heard a horn honk at us and finally let go of the back of neck allowing me to pull away and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand.

  
“Nice,” Leo said from the front seat rolling down the window, “Did I interrupt something?”

  
“Only slightly,” Dick said smiling at Leo.

  
“I see that. You’re lucky none of the good priest are standing around. Even though Gus is watching from the window over there, but that’s just Gus,” Leo said.

  
I felt my face go red. This was awesome. My life was fucking awesome. Could I just get hit by a car already? They all treated me like I was something to touch, to use, to stare at and to mock.

  
“It’s ok baby. I have to take you home and you Rich,” Leo said, “I want to know why you missed the bus. John could you get in the back?”

  
“Yes sir,” I said opening up the back door and freezing noticing the back seat was folded down which had never been a good sign in the past. Not when it came to keeping my integrity intact. I climbed into the back and sighed.

  
“So, Rich,” Leo said pulling the car out of park, “Care to tell me what happened?”

  
“I got socked in the face,” Rich stated.

  
“Well can I ask why?” Leo said.

  
“Well I overheard someone say they did something, didn’t hear what. I asked what and fire crotch here asked me what I wanted and apparently his friend was not ok with hearing that so I said I could do whatever I wanted to him. And that got me punched in the face,” Dick answered.

  
“Yeah when people aren’t happy with the truth they can be harsh,” Leo said shaking his head, “Care to tell me who it was?”

  
“Kingly,” Dick answered.

  
“I’ll call his Dad,” Leo sighed.

  
“Could you not?” I asked quietly.

  
“Why do you care?” Leo asked me.

  
“He’s my best friend,” I answered.

  
“What will you do? You know, to keep him safe?” Leo asked me.

  
I sighed thinking of the last time my life depended on Pat. How he hadn’t looked away how he had watched making sure he kept his eyes on me while I had shut mine trying to shut the experience out. The experience of the whips and paddles and fingers scratching at my hips.

  
“Anything,” I answered reluctantly.

  
“Yeah?” Leo asked me, “You want to start Rich? I’ll pull over and give you some time alone with him in the back. I swear I’ll take a walk no matter how much I would love to see it.”

  
“Yeah that sounds like fun,” Dick said to his Dad.

  
“Should I undress or?” I asked feeling that my cheeks were hot. I knew Pat would have done the same for me so I should just suck it up and let them do it. I had seen him literally blow father McClairen to protect me so if I had to take it up the ass for him I would. Because if Hank heard about Pat being kicked off the bus for a week he would be beat Pat black and blue and I knew it. Hell, he’d probably let Arthur beat him black and blue and Arthurs punishments usually came with a fist in places you didn’t want one to be.

  
Just then we made it to the park halfway between home and school I wrapped my arms around my knees pulling them to my chest as I heard Dick digging through his book bag in the front seat. Leo smiled back at me before whispering something in Dick’s ear. I felt numb. I wasn’t really paying attention to whatever it was they said but I knew I felt scared goose pumps already pricking up along my arms as Leo parked the car and got out, as Dick did the same.

  
I tried to breathe. I tried to tell myself to just breathe that if I didn’t it would worse for Pat. That everything would be worse for Pat if I didn’t just do it. I closed my eyes trying to focus on my breathing as Dick climbed into the back of the SUV with me. As he cupped my cheek with his hand looking at me.

  
“You don’t have to be scared. I’m not going to hurt you,” he told me kissing my cheek before he loosened the tie around my neck. He took it off letting it fall beside me as he stared into my eyes, the look there making me nervous, reminding me why he was there. He started pulling my vest over my head.

  
“Slow down,” I breathed pulling away slightly making him stop.

  
“I’m really not going to hurt you. I don’t plan on it. I swear,” Dick said.

  
“I really don’t want to do this,” I barely managed to stutter clenching my hands into fist.

  
“Just close your eyes and focus on who you’re doing it for. Maybe you’ll even enjoy it a little bit?” He said raising his eyebrows at me as he started undoing my button up his hand gliding down my clavicle to my under shirt.

  
He wasn’t hurting me. Just like my Da and Leo he was being gentle. Moving slowly trying not to scare me. The pace just made me that much more scared my heart trying to break free of my ribs like a caged bird flapping its wings fighting towards freedom.

  
“Can we just talk please?” I said him as his hand slid up my stomach lifting my undershirt up my ribs.

  
“For a minute,” he said sitting back and sighing heavily, “What’s up?”

  
“Why do you want to…you know?” I asked him feeling my cheeks burn with the question.

  
I honestly didn’t see anything attractive or appealing about myself. I thought I was disgusting. That I was something to be used and thrown away. Something that they pushed into walls and forced to do things I didn’t want. I honestly didn’t see any reason why anyone would want to be near me other than to hurt me, to make me cry and scream and make me want to die.

  
“Well,” Dick sighed looking at me, “You’re sweet. You might not see it that way but you’re sweet and shy and quiet. I might seem like a loud asshole but I don’t know. If I was allowed to date I’d date someone like you.”

  
“Your Da doesn’t let you date?” I asked.

  
Dick sighed looking at me, “No, I’m still a bottom even if I’m a tracker. It’s not like different rules apply to me until I am a recruit. I can’t just date. Any relationship I have has to be within the brotherhood and has to be approved otherwise…it’s you know. It is what it is.”

  
“Why me?” I asked.

  
“I told you. I like you and it’s not like you’re going to tell everyone. At least that’s what I thought until I got punched in the face,” Dick told me.

  
“I should have figured he’d do that. I mean I told him about what happened between you and Dom and he got pissed and he’s even more so…” I started blushing.

  
“Hey, I’m not going to put my nose in your business but you should watch that. If you love him, if you value your own life you should put some distance there. Because the fact he would hall off and hit me when I’m a level five tracker doesn’t spell anything good for him,” Dick pointed out to me.

  
“Yeah, I realize,” I answered.

  
“Tell him to back off then,” Dick said, “Tell him to back off or he’s looking to get killed.”

  
I just nodded my head in response. I loved him. I loved him so much he felt like air. I couldn’t imagine my life without Pat. If that meant I had to put some space between us I would do it no matter how badly it hurt. I just had to figure out how.

  
“All right,” Dick said finally pulling my under shirt over my head, “God you’re so thin.”

  
“And yet you still had to restrain me,” I mumbled as he forced me to lay back straddling my hips making me feel weird.

  
“I didn’t have to. I kind of didn’t want to waste the time,” Dick said.

  
“Waste the time on what? I was naked,” I pointed out as his hands went to my belt and I pushed them away.

  
Dick sighed heavily pinning my arms above my head kissing my neck making me whine, “With the fight. I mean sometimes it can be hot but sometimes it’s just frustrating and boring. So …you know best way to cut it short is to inhibit it. A trick I learned from my Dad.”

  
“Please Rich, stop,” I said not even really whining or pleading but just asking. Just seeing if I could appeal to his human decency.

  
“This is the only way I get any you realize?” He asked me and he laughed lightly as I started to buck trying to push him off of me, “You’re eyes just went so wide Johnny. Relax, you might like it.”

  
“No, stop,” I begged as he moved both my wrist to one hand. I could feel the bones grinding against each other as he squeezed them his other hand going to my belt to undo it. I stared kicking my legs. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want his mouth on me, which he made very clear was what he wanted. I started screaming. shrieking like a scream queen does in a horror movie because I wanted him off of me and I couldn’t stop him.

  
All of the sudden the door of the SUV opened and there was Leo standing there with some duct tape in his hand, “If you can’t be quieter I will tape your mouth shut. And when I rip it off I will make sure it’s fast and hard. And you I thought you could handle him.”

  
“He moves a lot,” Dick answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“You want me to hold him down? I mean usually you aren’t too happy when I offer to help but in this case since something seems to be stopping you from using your full strength would you mind… because I don’t want to be walking around out here all day waiting for you to finish,” Leo said.

  
Dick sighed and thought about it, “Yeah ok,” he said as Leo climbed in by my head and shut the door.

  
Leo didn’t waste any time taping my mouth shut and taking my wrist from Dick holding one in each hand as he looked at me closely. I felt Dick unstraddle me finally free enough to be able to undo my belt and pants and slide them down my legs making me moan as I squeezed my eyes shut.

  
“Hey just relax. You’ll be fine. This isn’t your first rodeo baby,” he said looking down at me as I moaned behind the tape again shaking my head, “Hey relax. Just let it happen.”

  
I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let them do this even if I was doing it for Pat. Dick’s hands moving along my sides as he straddled me again bending over top of me and kissing my neck and chest, his breath heavy and thick against my skin. I closed my eyes trying to block it out. Trying to block out the fact it was Dick and Leo and not who I really wished it could be. His hands went under the waist band of my boxers on either side pulling them down and off. The reveal making my hardness evident to them, springing free from my boxers as Dick sat up and looked at me.

  
“Come on baby it’ll be fun just like last time,” he said even though I had my eyes closed, cupping the side of my face in his hand causing me to shake my head vigorously back and forth as I started crying. He kissed some of my tears away his lips brushing against my cheek feather light making me shake my head some more.

  
“You’re fine,” Leo told me his hands running up and down my forearms stroking. Stroking as if he were trying to comfort me while his son’s kisses started trailing down my body following the right side of my clavicle to the center of my chest and then starting to kiss down ward. His hands leading the way slowly running over my nipples and rib cage to my hips before stopping. He gripped my hips lightly as his tongue and lips trailed down the center of my chest.

  
When his tongue dipped into my belly button I felt that horrible electric static that made my eyes go wide causing Leo to laugh at me as Dick’s tongue slid lower down my pelvic bone as he took my hardness in his hands before I felt his lips slid around it making me scream. The sound coming out a muffled cry due to the duct tape on my mouth. The heat made me feel like I was melting from the inside out. Both my face and groin going hot as the blood rushed to both and I tried to just breathe, struggling because of the duct tape on my mouth. His fingers started circling my puckered asshole causing me to squirm trying to move away from his hands as he slid is tongue over my tip making me jump.

  
“You’re so hard,” Dick pulled me out of his mouth the air making a popping noise as he broke contact, “You like it? I bet you’d like it even more if you let me get my fingers up in there to pet that spot, want me to?”

  
I shook my head as Leo leaned over top of me pushing his weight down on me. Dick moved shifting his weight as I felt his fingers again. This time wet like they were coated in something one of them pushing in making me cry out against my tape again.

  
“Just let it happen. Remember who you’re doing this for so they don’t get strung up and whipped right baby?” Leo breathed kissing the tape over top of my mouth as I tried to take a deep breath and relax.

  
He was right. I was doing this for Pat because I loved him. Because I thought it would hurt him less to have me squirming underneath Leo and Dick. To have me not able to breathe hating myself. For some stupid reason, I thought that would be easier for him.

  
He slid his other finger in after a few minutes him actually muttering excitedly when I jumped as he hit my prostate. All I could hear after a few minutes was my heart beating as I tried to block out how it felt, how my body was reacting to it as he wrapped his mouth around me again licking and sucking, teasing. After I was beyond dripping and he felt I was stretched out enough he put a condom on sliding inside.

  
“Dad quit watching,” Dick muttered running his hands through my hair and kissing on my neck as he started to thrust in and out.

  
“Hey, it’s not like I haven’t seen it before,” Leo replied

  
“Yeah Dad but come on. I don’t watch you when you’re with him,” he said still moving as I started to struggle. Nothing about this was turning me on even though by this point it wasn’t terrifying me either.

  
I didn’t orgasm with Dick on top of me or inside me even though he somehow managed to. When he was done he pulled up his pants and climbed over into the front seat muttering he was going for a walk as Leo climbed on top of me getting ready to do the same thing.

  
“Sorry about that baby he’s kind of… well he’s young. He’s a little selfish but I’ll make you feel good,” Leo told me and I shook my head, “And you’re all stretched out and ready to go for me.”

  
He climbed on top of me pushing his way inside the feeling of fullness making me uncomfortable. I hated that feeling because it hurt and always felt like I was trying to take a crap in reverse. I moaned lightly feeling tired and used already not wanting to do this anymore.

  
“Give me a second and I’ll take the tape off ok baby?” He said, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist as he started pushing up inside me setting very cell in my body one fire with that cold horrible tickle making me whine through the duct tape again.

  
“I know baby. I know just, give it a second,” he said doing it again.

  
I hated that. The way it felt. How it felt good but bad all at once. He knew it too. Worse yet he liked it. He liked seeing me suffer. They all did. He started mumbling to himself as he went using my body to reach his peak, pushing at me, pressing. Hitting my prostate with each thrust inward his hands massaging my arms gently, slowly.

  
He didn’t rip the tape from my mouth fast like he had promised he would at least not until the last second but it did it slowly, hurting. The pain giving me something else to focus on besides the way he was making my insides jump. When he got it mostly off he slammed his mouth into mine forcing me to kiss him. Forcing his tongue past my lips as he continued to go my body already overly sensitive.

  
“Please,” I barely whispered when he pulled away.

  
“Don’t worry baby. I’m already there and then I’ll make you feel great. I’ll make your eyes roll I promise,” he said before he made this gasping sound above me, “Oh god yeah. You feel so good baby.”

  
I felt my eyes go wide as the tickling, the heat got to be too much. I felt like something was crushing my chest as I started to pant harder as I got closer to orgasm. I wanted to moan and it was getting harder and harder to hold it in by the second my face turning red with the effort.

  
“Let it go baby. Just let it happen. You know it will happen anyway,” Leo breathed, “Come on baby moan for me. Make those perfect little sounds you make.”

  
I closed my eyes as I felt him run his hand through my hair, “Come on baby it’s ok. It’s ok that it feels good.”

  
I couldn’t hold the sound back in my throat anymore the whimper escaping me. Making him smile above me as I started mewling my body not able to take it anymore as I started to reach my peak. My whole body was shaking every pet against my prostate causing my body to throb with the want of release.

  
“No,” I moaned shaking my head slowly my lips trembling as I started to cry.

  
“Just cum. Just let it happen baby. I promise it’ll feel good,” Leo repeated.

  
“No, it hurts,” I answered.

  
“It won’t hurt anymore if you let it happen baby. I promise. I swear to you. We both want it. You know deep down somewhere you want it. If you don’t give it to me imagine what Pat is going to go through. How much it’s going to hurt him. How bad that whip feels. How it stings after the leather pulls away. How beautiful those little moans are going to sound,” He said, “OH fuck yeah.”

  
I couldn’t hold back anymore. I felt the heat push outward like flood waters breaking a dam. My whole body shuddered as it squeezed around him. He came inside of me the feeling of the wet slime coating my insides as I tried to just breathe.

  
“That’s a good boy,” he breathed resting his head on my chest kissing my sweaty naked body, “That’s my beautiful boy.”

  
He shifted his weight his hand trailing down my naked body. I didn’t want him to anymore. I wanted to stop. I knew I was doing this for Pat but I wanted to stop. I knew I was crying, close to sobbing because I just wanted him to stop. I didn’t want to have to feel it anymore just like always.

  
“Please,” I whimpered, “Please don’t Leo, please.”

  
“It’ll feel really nice and I know that you like that tongue tickling you right there that warmness around you,” Leo said his hand starting to coax me back to hardness.

  
“No please,” I begged again.

  
“So, you want Pat to hurt?” Leo said, “I wonder how he’d feel knowing that. Knowing you’d do it for Will, for Mikey and Matty and James even but not for him.”

  
“I need you to stop,” I begged again as I became fully erect again his thumb gently gliding against my tip.

  
“That’s it. That’s my good boy,” he said moving so his face was level with my groin wrapping his arms around my thighs to spread them open so he could have the angle he wanted. I felt his tongue glide down the underside of my shaft.

  
I went quiet. He was right I was willing to do it for my brothers even for Dom. I needed to be willing to do it for Pat. I was willing to let my Da lay with me, whisper horrible things in my ear that I knew were true for the night so Will didn’t have to be the one to deal with it but, not Pat? What kind of friend was I?

  
He took me in his mouth. His tongue teasing my slit as his hands massaged my balls making my eyes start to roll almost immediately causing him to squeeze my base slightly sending a zap of pain through me, “Not yet,” he said against my skin, “I get to say when.”

  
I exhaled deeply. While I had people do that before they hadn’t done it stop me from climax. The idea that he was trying to tell my body when it was ok to do to cum upset me even more than him making me cum. They controlled everything about me now he wanted to control that too? That wasn’t fair.

  
He started sucking again his tongue doing something that made my heart feel like it was fluttering the buildup of release in my body waiting for permission, stinging and burning a little as it grew deeper and more urgent. I knew I was panting heavily that my eyes were half lidded as I tried to keep myself from begging him to stop, from crying.

  
“Come on baby,” he cooed against my skin, “Make those delicious sounds for me please.”

  
I allowed myself to let out a small whimper as he did something else before inserting two fingers inside of me making me mewl again as my body bucked forward trying to get his fingers out of me as he started petting my prostate again.

  
It didn’t take long for me to reach the point where I couldn’t control it. Where my body stopped moving and my eyes went wide, my back arching of its own accord. He wrapped that warmness around me as I came, sucking down my seed eagerly. I couldn’t breathe or at least that’s how I felt trying to catch enough air to make myself feel better. To make my body stop shaking and my vision stop fluttering.

  
“God, you taste so good. Why do you always taste so good?” Leo said kissing me hard on the mouth trying to force his tongue past my lips. I laid there trying to turn my head away from him so he would stop. His hands gently rubbed up and down my hips. My hips where bruises were starting to sprout from both him and Dick grabbing onto them hard, digging into them to keep a grip on me.

  
When I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to he sighed sitting up starting to pull his pants back up and looking at me carefully. I hated the way I felt like I needed a shower that lasted forever the water so hot it would scald my skin off. Not just because of what they had said and done but because of how I hadn’t been able to control my body. How my back had arched in response to his sucking drawing that feeling forward from me. How strongly it had felt. How invasive it had been and that I hadn’t been able to stop it from feeling that way.

  
“Can I…?” I swallowed sitting up my whole body still shaking.

  
“It’s may I and yes you are allowed to put your clothes back on,” Leo said as he handed me my underwear and I started rifling around finding the rest of my clothes only putting my undershirt and pants back on because it was really hot.

  
Leo opened the door and called out to Dick who was somewhere not too far away and he climbed into the passenger seat. I sighed not wanting to be in the car with him. Not really wanting to be in a car with either of them the only thing keeping me from jumping out as the car switched gears to pull out of the parking spot was the realization that I was going home. That Pat said he would be there.

  
“You should always finish your partner Rich,” Leo chided Dick for a second.

  
“He didn’t seem in the mood so I skipped it,” Dick answered shrugging.

  
“Well he’s never going to seem in the mood until you have him right on the edge. You should know that. We used to play enough that you should realize that,” Leo said.

  
“Don’t remind me,” Dick said shaking his head and snorting.

  
“Maybe that’s exactly what I need to do,” Leo commented.

  
“Hey that’s a part of the agreement you made with me and mom to get her to keep her mouth shut remember?” Dick hissed flinching as I assumed Leo put his hand on Dick’s knee.

  
“Yeah, I remember. Doesn’t mean someone else can’t,” Leo said.

  
“I’m getting ready for recruit track. You know that,” Dick hissed, “You can’t force me to do anything. All of my contracts are up to me now.”

  
“Yeah but that means you have to pick someone and soon. You got it?” Leo answered.

  
“Yeah, I know. I’m looking. I just haven’t…” Dick shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Well make your decision before Mr. Lord makes one for you. Because you have to do what he says and he’ll pick someone you probably won’t like,” Leo answered.

  
“I got it,” Dick muttered looking out the window.

  
“You get to pick your own contracts after a while?” I asked curious.

  
“Depends,” Leo answered simply, “If you decide to become a tracker after you turn 17 it’s one of the perks. However, it has to be agreeable. If you want to belong to a certain handler and he wants you then Mr. Lord agrees, it’’ll happen. Your contract will teach you things. Different rules that bottoms aren’t privy to. Those sorts of things.”

  
“Oh,” I answered quietly.

  
“Sorry I didn’t finish you up John,” Dick said to me as we pulled into my drive way.

  
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” I answered quietly waiting for Leo to park the car.

  
“Next time he will,” Leo assured me. The thought making me want to shudder, “I’ll see you Friday ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I opened the door making sure I had my backpack and rest of my uniform before I shut the car door.

  
I walked around to the kitchen door in the back and heard splashing and laughter not far off. It was too early for Cat and James to be home from school still and I thought Da would be working. I had no idea who was in the pool or why. So, I set my stuff down gently and walked up to the privacy fence that surrounded the pool opening the gate.

  
I had seen Hank naked before but seeing him shirtless in the gleaming sunlight was not something I ever wanted and at that moment I knew why. It was an image I will never forget. His body dripping with the water as he tackled Ben from behind, forcing uncle Ben’s head under the water as I looked around noticing the babies floating by themselves at the shallow end of the pool watching them mess around.

  
“Shouldn’t you two be watching them?” I asked grabbing Hank’s full attention long enough for Uncle Ben to resurface.

  
“Oh, we are,” Hank said.

  
“Hi Johnny. Want to come play?” Uncle Ben taunted making me stiffen and shake my head, “Really? Why else would you come out this way?”

  
“I heard a noise so I was wondering what it was,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I thought you weren’t allowed to…anyway.”

  
“Oh, we’re not but, would you honestly tell on us if we did?” Hank said smiling starting to walk towards the shallow end towards me and the babies.

  
“Where is Alice?” I asked concerned that they had been alone with them and not knowing how long things had been that way.

  
“She’ll be back in a minute or two. She just went to the bathroom,” Uncle Ben answered, “Why afraid we’re training them already?”

  
“No just…” I shrugged my shoulders coming forward and grabbing for Mary pulling her out of the water and setting her on the pavement next to the pool.

  
Hank came forward and grabbed Mac picking him up. Mac frowned, squirming a little but not really saying anything or acting scared. Hank raised an eyebrow his hand purposefully going to grab Mac somewhere it shouldn’t.

  
“Stop,” I warned him, “Give him to me.”

  
“Why? Afraid I’m going to hurt him? It won’t hurt,” Hank said.

  
“Please,” I said pulling my shirt up over my head, “Just don’t.”

  
“Are you going to do something for me?” He asked licking his lips.

  
“Maybe,” I said quietly not able to look at him anymore, “If…if you let him go you could find out.”

  
“He’s more my type you realize?” He asked me.

  
“He’s just a baby,” I countered, “He’s not even your type yet. I know you like young but I think one is a little under your age limit. Isn’t it?”

  
“Maybe,” Hank admitted coming over to the edge of the pool and putting Mac on the cement over the top, “Come here,”

  
“Wait in the pool?” I asked feeling slightly nervous, “I don’t have my swim suit with me.”

  
“No but you can skinny dip. It’s not like your uncle and I haven’t seen it before baby,” Hank said looking at me as I snatched Mac away to safety.

  
“Oh goodness are you two not watching these babies like you should?” I heard Alice say and I sighed in relief thanking god for the fact she had showed up. Because while she wouldn’t stop them they wouldn’t be stupid enough to try anything in front of her.

  
Alice grabbed Mac up, “John sugar can you please grab Mary and hand Seamus to me? Laura dear and Andy, could you please follow us inside?”

  
“Yes, Auntie Alice,” Laura answered climbing out of the pool and Andy followed her as I handed Seamus to Alice and she balanced him on her other hip.

  
“Thank you,” I mouthed at her as I grabbed Mary and we started walking towards the house.

  
“Those two are trouble,” Alice said shaking her head, “Are you all right Sugar?” Alice asked me.

  
“Yeah thanks,” I answered.

  
“You seem upset anything wrong? You were late coming home from school,” Alice said as I held the door open for her and Laura and Andy.

  
“I didn’t make the bus,” I answered. Not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to tell her about how I got a ride home from Leo and Dick how they had stopped so they could do things to me. Tell her how badly I felt like I needed a shower.

  
“Well you look like you’re not feeling well so why don’t we go upstairs and you lay down?” She told me and I nodded my head in agreement.

  
As we got in the elevator one of the coms went off it was Da telling us to let Vic up onto the fourth floor so I sighed and told Alice I would get it. I went up to the front door and let him in. When I opened the door, he looked surprised to see me.

  
“You were supposed to go from school straight to bed what are you doing up?” Vic asked.

  
“I just got home,” I answered.

  
“Why what happened? Miss the bus?” He asked me.

  
“Not exactly,” I answered sheepishly.

  
“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me.

  
“Dick, I mean Rich. I ride the bus with him, we, we ride the bus with him he basically told Pat that he could force me to do whatever it was he wanted. So, Pat punched him in the face and Pat, Cole, Dick, I mean Rich and I all got kicked off the bus for a week,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Vic said as we walked back upstairs to the second floor, “Is that really what happened? Is there another reason Pat might have socked Rich or thought that doing so was a good idea?”

  
“I told Pat what Rich said to me while I was at Leo’s house,” I answered quietly, “I didn’t think he’d sock him for it, I just…I needed to let someone know everything that’s been happening with Leo, and Rich and …” I paused swallowing, “Will and Da.”

  
“Will?” Vic asked me quietly, “Hey come here,” he said opening up the guest bedroom that mum usually stayed in but looked completely unoccupied at the moment, “What’s going on with Will.”

  
I shook my head, “Nothing,” I barely mumbled.

  
“You wouldn’t say his name if there wasn’t something going on. What happened?” Vic asked me quietly.

  
“Da made me,” I said and Vic nodded his head in understanding.

  
“That happens a lot between brothers in the brotherhood, are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“I think he hates me,” I answered.

  
“I’m sure Will doesn’t hate you. He’s in this too you know? He knows that you have a body just like he does and sometimes it does things that you don’t want it to,” Vic said.

  
“How do you know?” I asked wondering how he knew that’s what had happened. That I had come from touching Will. From forcing Will to have sex with me. That I felt ashamed. I that couldn’t stop my body from responding the way it did to his.

  
“I have a little brother. He’s older now but when I was a little bit older then you are now a couple things happened and…it made stuff awkward for us for a while,” Vic answered honestly.

  
“What happened after?” I asked.

  
“We didn’t talk for a while,” Vic answered, “It was hard to deal with. He understood but that’s something that I think I harder time with then he did. I hated myself for it for a long time. Because I felt like it made me no better than our father who was and still is a sick piece of shit. It took a long time for me to realize that just because my body reacted to what was happening didn’t mean I psychologically enjoyed it. It doesn’t mean I wanted it or that I feel that way about him. It just means my reproductive system is healthy. You have to try and remind yourself of that ok? You didn’t want it. Just because your body did what bodies do doesn’t change that.”

  
I sighed nodding my head understanding what he meant. That just because I reacted didn’t mean I loved my brother in that way, in a way I wasn’t supposed to. And it didn’t mean I wanted to have sex with him or any of my other siblings. It just was what it was. I had probably saved my brother from experiencing pain because I had stretched him out before my Da had gotten to him, probably saving him from more discomfort in process.

  
“Ok, is there a scale in this bathroom?” Vic asked me changing the topic.

  
“I think so why?” I asked confused for a minute.

  
“Weight,” Vic said, “I have to check your weight.”

  
“Do you think I gained weight?” I asked confused and slightly scared that I had gained weight that quickly.

  
“No actually I’m making sure you haven’t lost a significant amount. Usually we lose and gain the same five pounds of water weight repeatedly during the day especially if we’re very physically active so if you walked home which I’m going to assume you did considering how disheveled you appear to be and how tired you look I’m expecting you to weigh in at anywhere between 85 to 91 pounds,” Vic said.

  
“I didn’t walk home,” I answered.

  
“How did you get home then?” He asked me.

  
“Leo,” I said and felt my lip tremble.

  
Vic sighed, “You ok?”

  
“I just…I’m tired,” I answered, “Pat said he would be here as soon as he could. I was going to walk with him and Cole until Dick pointed out how underweight I am. That I was on a feeding tube all weekend then everyone agreed that maybe Dick I mean Rich, Rich should call Leo and have him drive me home. I only went because Dick said he would make sure Leo didn’t punish me for Pat socking him.”

  
“How did that work out?” Vic asked.

  
“I’m tired,” I answered again.

  
“So, Leo only let you rest the weekend?” Vic asked me.

  
“Can we not talk about it?” I asked quietly.

  
“Do you need me to look at you?” Vic asked.

  
“I’d prefer to keep my clothes on until I can go upstairs and get into my own shower if you don’t mind,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Vic said nodding his head, “Come on.”

  
We went into the bathroom and he had me stand on the scale on the floor backwards and sighed when he looked at it. I was wondering how much I weighed not because I wanted to actively weigh less but because I was curious as to how close I was to disappearing. How many pounds of me there was left.

  
“How does it look?” I asked.

  
“About what I expected,” Vic said nodding his head, “Go upstairs take your shower, relax,” Vic said as we stepped out of the room and found Pat and Will walking up the back steps from the kitchen.


	33. 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes it home from his ordeal to find Pat and Will there, worried about him. They talk about things in his room mainly, pretty boring chapter actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 655 to 663 I know it's a little short but, it's also a little late and I didn't have to move anything around to make an ending that made sense. It was a perfect spot to stop. Happy thanksgiving (late I know) to all the Americans out there. I hope it was a good holiday for you. **Warnings: Consensual kissing, consensual cuddling, underage, talk of rape/non-con, talk of emotional manipulation/black mail, mental health issues, Eating Disorder,**

“Oh, thank god,” Pat breathed hugging me tightly, “I was so worried that maybe they wouldn’t bring you home at all. Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered back burying my head in his shoulder. I hugged him. Closing my eyes as I tried not to cry. Trying not to let him know what had happened even though I could have sworn he could smell it on me.

  
“You’re safe,” Pat said kissing the crown of my head, “You’re safe Rabbit. I promise.”

  
“You know they probably did something?” Will said quietly.

  
“They did,” Vic confirmed and I felt Pat nod.

  
“Let’s get you upstairs huh Rabbit? Get you in the shower. Make you all nice and clean and fed all right?” Pat muttered.

  
I let him walk me backwards into the lift and down the hall into my bedroom. He helped me out of my clothes but nothing felt sexual about it. It was calm, slow and relaxed. He turned the water on helping me sit in the bottom of the tub as he grabbed the shower poof and started rubbing my back gently, lovingly as he told me it was ok. That I was going to be ok. He told me he loved me. He whispered it into my shoulder blades over and over as he let me cry into my knees.

  
That was something I loved about Pat. Whenever I was feeling badly because of what they had done he never forced himself on me. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for being there. He just offered me the best comfort he could which was sometimes just sitting there while I cried and other times it was rocking me as he ran his hand through my hair and cuddled me.

  
When I decided I was done Pat helped me up wrapping a towel around me and helping me to bed where he left me for a few minutes. When he came back into the room he handed me a sandwich and a bowl of soup from the kitchen, “Dinner,” he said setting it on the night stand beside the bed before holding the sandwich to my lips.

  
“I’m not hungry,” I told him burying my head into his chest listening to his heartbeat, closing my eyes.

  
“Rabbit you have to eat,” Pat told me, “Please if you can’t do it for you, do it for me.”

  
I sighed nodding my head. I wasn’t hungry at all. I just wanted to sleep my body sore in several different places.

  
“Thank you. Now eat the sandwich ok?” He said as I took bites from the sandwich he held in his hand.

  
I managed to actually finish the sandwich and managed three or four spoonful’s of the soup before I couldn’t eat anymore and then he just held me. He held me and told me random things about TV show’s he had seen recently and about Tosh and Cole and how they were doing. How they had gone to the beach the three of them that weekend and it had been fun.

  
“We ended up throwing Penny’s at old fart Freddy until he swore chasing Tosh off waving his little basket thing in the air I nearly died,” Pat told me laughing his chest bouncing lightly with the action under my head.

  
“I wish I could have been there,” I said quietly Pat lacing his fingers though mine holding my hand kissing my knuckles.

  
“Soon hopefully,” Pat said, “How did your weekend go?”

  
“I already told you,” I answered sighing, “I got to Leo’s he raped me. Dick came in and told me he wanted to do something to me too, something happened I don’t know what it’s kind of foggy and I ended up tied to the bed with a tube down my nose putting liquid food in my stomach. The rest of the weekend I was only allowed untied to go to the bathroom. He did however make sure I had a remote so…”

  
“So, you watched a lot of TV?” Pat asked me, “You see anything good?”

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I don’t know. There wasn’t a lot on and I was just tired. I remember watching beast master a little bit but it wasn’t really that interesting. I fell back to sleep after a while.”

  
“Doesn’t that air like five times on Saturday?” Pat asked me rubbing my shoulder.

  
“Yeah pretty much. That’s why I had no idea what time it was. He didn’t really touch me other than the first time though,” I answered.

  
“Do you think that’s why he…?” Pat stopped short sighing.

  
“Probably that and I said I would,” I mumbled quietly causing Pat to stiffen, to look at me.

  
“Rabbit what do you mean you said you would?” He asked me his brow furrowing in confusion and what I thought at the time was disgust.

  
“He said if I did he wouldn’t tell Hank. That he wouldn’t let them know what happened. That…” He cut me off.

  
“That fucking piece of shit,” Pat hissed, “He made you so I didn’t get a beating? I can take a beating. I can take it! I would have been fine. What was Dad going to do tie me down and shove that fucking vibrator up my ass while Arthur whipped me and broke my foot again? I could have handled it.”

  
“I need you though,” I answered, “I need you to be well so you can …” I felt my tears start falling again, “I can’t do this alone. And I feel so alone all the time Pat. Whenever you’re not with me I can’t stand it. I don’t even have Will now because I know he hates me.”

  
He hugged me tightly running a hand through my hair, “Shhh…Will doesn’t hate you Rabbit and you’re very very far from alone. I swear to you, you will NEVER be alone in this. Even when I’m not here, I’m here ok? I’m a phone call away. If you ever needed me for anything you could call at any time I don’t care what I’m doing. I would drop everything and come here even if I was crawling on my hands and knees to get here. I swear to you. You will never be alone, not ever. I love you so much. You don’t even know.”

  
“No, he does,” I mumbled, “I know he does.”

  
Just then I heard a knock on the door and Pat called for the person to come in. It was Will. I wasn’t sure I was ready to have that talk with him. About what had happened. About how I had done those things to him. How I hadn’t been willing to stop Da, to keep it from happening.

  
“You guys want me to go?” He asked as I buried my face in his chest again.

  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I kept mumbling.

  
“Hey, Shhh…Shhh…you’re ok Rabbit it’s ok, Shhh…oh my sweet Rabbit. You didn’t do anything, you’re ok,” Pat said rubbing my shoulders.

  
“He’s right John. You didn’t do anything. It was Da. I’m not stupid,” Will said quietly sitting down on the bed near our feet, “You can stay Pat it’s ok. You already know what happened I’m guessing.”

  
“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head as he kissed my cheek, “He thinks you hate him still.”

  
“John, I could never hate you,” Will said, “You remember what he said? He said do it or I’ll go get Mike, do it or I’ll make sure it hurts. You were protecting me and Mike. You weren’t doing it because you wanted to. You were doing it so he wouldn’t. We did it so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else, both of us. We both made that choice. So, don’t act like it was all on you. I was there too, I made that choice too.”

  
“Yeah but you didn’t…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence, _“orgasm inside of my body, you didn’t cum in my mouth. You didn’t cum inside me not once but twice._ ” I couldn’t even mention it at the time I was so ashamed of it. So ashamed that it had happened when it shouldn’t have. When I felt like it shouldn’t have.

  
“Because he didn’t make me,” Will insisted, “He could have very easily made me be the one to get on top, you don’t know. You heard him though and you know just like I know; he meant it. He would have hurt me. He would have hurt Mike and neither one of us could have lived with that. This, what we did, we can live with that. In my eyes, there is nothing to forgive you for because you were protecting me the only way you could. Even if that meant climbing on top of me and…” Will’s breath hitched in his throat and made a wheezing noise, “You were doing the only thing you could. Don’t hate yourself for that, please.”

  
“I told you he doesn’t hate you at all Rabbit,” Pat said and I finally braved looking up at Will looking into his eyes.

  
Pat was right all I saw there was worry. Not that I would hurt him but that I would never forgive myself. That I would never be the same. That I would never be able to talk to him again or look him in the eyes. He sighed when he saw me looking closely at him and threw his arms around my neck.

  
“I’m fine really,” Will told me, “There’s nothing to forgive you for. You saved me.”

  
“You promise?” I asked pulling away to see his face again. I was hoping that if he was lying I would be able to see it in his face, in his eyes but I didn’t see any lies there. I didn’t see anything but worry and trust.  
“I swear John, I could never hate you. Not ever. You do everything you can to protect me and you always have and I know you always will. Most of the time I don’t need you to protect me anymore but that time I did and you didn’t let me down. You did what you could and I’m thankful you did because you and I both know he would have really hurt me or he would have given me to someone who would have,” Will assured me.  
I exhaled relief spreading over me. So, he didn’t hate me. He didn’t hate me at all. He didn’t blame me for it, he didn’t even think of it as something I did but more something I was forced to do. He understood it better than I understood myself. He made me feel grateful that he was so smart, so intelligent.

  
I nodded my head, “Ok.”

  
“So, you believe me?” Will asked me.

  
“You’re my little brother, if I don’t know whether you’re lying or not I need to reflex long and hard on my whole existence,” I said cracking a small smile.

  
Will sighed heavily, “Good. Now what are we going to do about you and food? Because you’re not helping yourself here. You know that, right?”

  
“I know. I’m trying it’s just hard. My stomach is always hurting if I eat I throw up because I feel so sick so I just don’t. Because it’s easier to not eat at all and not worry about throwing up every time one of them looks at me wrong then try and keep myself from throwing up all the time,” I answered.

  
“He ate the sandwich Alice made him for Dinner and he ate some fries and skittles for Lunch,” Pat said, “So he’s doing better. It’s just going to take him a while. He’s not the first person I’ve seen fight this. It’s a lot of different things Will.”

  
“I know it is. He has an eating disorder though. I know it’s because he feels like he can’t control anything and the way he feels in his own skin but he can’t not eat he’s just going to get weaker and weaker,” Will said.

  
“I’m right here Will and I know. I’m aware, all right? I didn’t realize how bad it was until Vic shoved that tube down my nose but, I figured it was a problem. I’ve been trying, I really have it’s just I’m either not hungry because my skin is crawling or I’m too tired to eat. Vic is going to weigh me every day and I’m really going to try because I know I can’t do this ok? Trust me I know. It sucks when you can’t fight off someone you’re supposed to be able to stop.” I said.

  
“John he’s bigger than we are. You know he is. I know he is,” Pat told me.

  
“No, I should be able to and you and I both know it,” I hissed.

  
“John no, it’s Dick he’s on the fucking football team,” Pat said looking at me, “You really think you’re supposed to be able to fight him off? Especially the way you are right now?”

  
“Dick?” Will frowned, “Dick as in that guy at the Villa he…? Shit. John why don’t you talk to me anymore?”

  
“I do I just…do you tell me everything? Every time Da climbs on top of you? Every time Uncle Ben comes to you at night? I know you don’t. I know you talk to someone but I know it’s not me,” I answered.

  
“Yeah because you have too much to deal with already. I know Leo doesn’t let you watch cartoons all day long when you’re over there. I know he’s doing bad things to you. I’m not stupid. I was right here when Vic talked about that thing which I’m not going to mention again all right? But you can tell me things. You don’t have to keep them locked away because maybe, just maybe that’s a part of the reason why you’re never hungry because those things, those feelings and thoughts are just floating around in your head making you feel sick. Did you ever stop to think that?” Will asked me.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head.

  
“You’re not the only one they do horrible things to you realize that, right?” Will asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I know.”

  
“When it’s not Da It’s Uncle Ben,” Will said shrugging his shoulders, “Uncle Ben is almost better though because he hurts.”

  
“I know,” I said, “I hate Da. You remember when you asked me why I was different? Why Da loved me more?”

  
“Yeah, and then he started doing it to me all the time too. I worry more about everyone else then I do me. Because I know I’m not asking for it. I know I don’t like it and that it’s just my body doing what bodies do but they’re still so little. It scares me,” Will said.

  
“Me too,” I answered, “How are you ok with this? With Da?” I asked.

  
“I’m not,” Will said, “But I write it down. I talk about it with people and it makes me feel better. Reminds me it’s not my fault. You should try it. Especially when something bad is going on. Cole said I should tell you something but you can’t get mad ok?”

  
“You can tell me anything,” I said, “I promise I won’t get mad.”

  
I braced myself thinking whatever he was going to tell me was bad. That it was something horrible that would make me feel sick to my stomach something about Da making more movies with him or making him rape one our younger brothers. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I was scared as hell.

  
“There’s this guy that well seventh graders have senior mentors, right? Mine is this guy named Wallace. He keeps saying things to me he shouldn’t say. At first it was just inviting me over to his house to play video games which is something I’m not into. He showed me his brand the other day in the bathroom and I just…he asked me if he could…” he paused taking a deep breath.

  
“Take your time it’s, ok,” I said quietly making sure I stayed calm allowing him time to say what he needed to say tell me what I was sure he was trying to tell me without me getting upset. I was pretty sure he was going to say this guy had propositioned him. Asked Will to make out with him, or do something worse, something a 17-year-old should never even think of asking an 11-year-old.

  
“He asked me if he could touch me like…like Da touches me,” he told me, “I told him no but I felt trapped. He was trying to force me to when someone else walked into the bathroom and scared him so I just kind of ran you know.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “You did good ok? You said no. I’m proud of you.”

  
“I was so scared,” Will said, he was shaking, “I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never…”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I mean not with anyone our age. I made out with Cole that one time but, that was it,” Will told me.

  
“17 is not our age,” Pat muttered, “I think I know him. I think he’s a five.”

  
“How many fives are there?” I asked.

  
“Not enough, I know Dick is a five, You guys are fives obviously, Wallace, Chad is a four. I’m a three, Cole’s a three, Dom’s a two. Most people here are three’s or fours. I don’t know I’m trying to remember if I know any other fives. Sam winters he’s a five huh…I think Kris is a five but I’m not sure.”

  
“Kris Christian or Kris Kristoff?” I asked.

  
“Kris Kristoff,” Pat answered.

  
“Some guys name is Kris Kristoff?” Will asked almost laughing.

  
“No, his name is Kristoff Talbot but we call him Kris, I think you met him once at the movies. Brown hair but like really really fucking blue eyes. He’s tall; uses a lot of hair product. Cole kind of eyed him a lot,” Pat said trying to figure out how to describe Kris so Will knew who he was talking about.

  
“OH!” Will said nodding his head, “Ok.”

  
“Who is Sam Winters?” I asked.

  
“I think he lives in New York now, he’s not a bad person. He’s actually a really nice guy. But that’s why you don’t know who he is. The brotherhood is all over in New York it’s more diverse and more fives. Here we’re just kind of around really. Not fives, not ones. Just kind of in-between.” Pat answered.

  
“It cost more money to live in New York,” Will said, “We could afford it but, I don’t know. Mum likes it here state side probably because it’s so cold back home.”

  
“Possibly,” I answered, “That and it’s open here. London and Dublin aren’t open.”

  
“Millstreet is open and she won’t go back there,” I answered.

  
“That’s just like family land though. I think it depresses her just talking about,” Will said.

  
“True,” I answered nodding my head, “I don’t know. I know I never liked it there.”

  
“Well mum always told me it was just family land nothing special,” I said again.

  
“What’s family land?” Pat asked raising his eyebrows.

  
“We’re Irish, our mum’s cousin owns some clan land back in Ireland. It has a castle on it. It was fun to hang out at in the summer on break sometimes,” Will answered.

  
“Maybe for you,” I answered, “You didn’t get woken up in the middle of the night and that damn thing has drafty rooms spaced far apart. No one can hear you protest so…”

  
“Really?” Will asked me sadly.

  
“Yeah. It is what it is,” I answered.

  
“No. That’s not cool, I didn’t realize…,” Will started to say.

  
“Yeah well you were always his first threat. If I didn’t he would go to you so…,” I answered.

  
“I understand,” Will said nodding his head, “Maybe that’s why mum hated it because she knew?”

  
“I don’t know. I know that’s why I don’t like it there,” I answered, “Not that it mattered. It didn’t matter if we were in Spain or Ireland or what. If he wanted to, he did and he still does.”

  
“I don’t remember him being that way out in the open when we were little,” Will said quietly.

  
“You wouldn’t,” I answered, “He was different at night. During the day he was nice, good and happy and I don’t know. But at night. When I was little I used to think he wasn’t Da but like Da’s evil twin. It took me until that first time that he…to realize he was always the same person. That it was just a part of him he kept hidden from everyone else but me.”

  
“How little were you when Da started doing things?” Will asked me.

  
The question caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure he had ever asked that before but he didn’t seem to say it to upset me. It seemed like he said it because he honestly wanted to know because he was honestly worried about it.

  
“I don’t know. Probably shortly after Uncle Ben started doing it. So, like five or six. He didn’t do anything but touch me until I was around eight though,” I answered.

  
“I was around eight,” Will said, “However he used to huh…intercrural sometimes.”

  
Pat cleared his throat as I gave them a clueless look, “Rabbit,” Pat whispered, “it’s when they rub against you usually your ass to get off but they don’t actually…”

  
I nodded my head in understanding. I hadn’t realized that was what it was called. That was something they did to me all the time even through my clothes when they were just kissing on me, forcing me to make out with them, pressing against me from behind.

  
“Is it weird I feel really tired?” I asked quietly.

  
“No,” Pat answered, “You ate some food and you’ve had a long day. So, it’s not weird you feel really tired. I’m sure you’ve been very tired all the time lately.”

  
“He has, half the time when I come in here to talk to him he’s sleeping,” Will said, “Not that I blame you. It’s just the kids are starting to get worried about it because you’re always away, with Da or sleeping so they don’t understand.”

  
“I’m hoping all I need is real sleep. It feels like I don’t sleep anymore hardly ever unless…,” I sighed.

  
“Unless you’re with me?” Pat asked and I nodded my head, “If you ate you’d feel a little more stable. It might help you actually relax enough to get real sleep. And take some sleeping pills maybe?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “If I was going to take a sleeping pill it wouldn’t be tonight.”

  
“Why?” Pat asked frowning.

  
“It’s Monday,” I answered not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to bring up the fact that usually on Monday Da spent the night with me. Had sex with me making me even more tired than I had been after spending the weekend with Leo and being his any time, he wanted me to. Revealing that had been the reason why I had needed to skip school on Mondays so I could pull some much-needed air into my system before I had to lay down under my Da, catch a break before there was no longer a break to catch.

  
“Don’t worry John, ok?” Will said, “Just take the pill and get some sleep all right?”

  
“I can’t do…” Will cut off my protest.

  
“You took care of me. Now let me take care of you a little bit, all right?” Will said and I sighed.

  
“Fine but I don’t like it,” I answered.

  
“What are you two even going on about? What does Monday have to do…” Pat’s eyes went wide in understanding, “Oh. Rabbit he’s right you need the rest. You need as much rest as you can get please.”

  
“Ok,” I sighed heavily, “I think I’m going to go to sleep now. I mean it’s nowhere near late really but I’m just that tired.”

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “I’ll tell everyone to try and keep it down. Alice has been working overtime. Lately she stays until seven or eight when everyone is in bed but me Mike and Matt. I’m going to go see what’s up see if she needs any help”  
Will left the room shutting the door quietly behind him as Pat went over to my night stand grabbing two pills bottles out of the drawer and pulling one pill from each of them before turning back to me. I really felt nervous about taking them, about whether or not they would work or if they would just make it so I had a harder time reacting to Da if he came into my room later.

  
“Hey, there’s a good chance you won’t remember at all if he does come in here after you take these,” Pat said as if he had been reading my mind, “Just take them for me please? I’ll stay until I know you’re asleep and I’ll see you tomorrow morning ok?”  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and using my luke warm soup to swallow the pills down as Pat settled into bed next to me again running his hand through my hair.

  
“I’m glad Math is easy this year,” Pat sighed into my crown kissing the top of my head as he ran his fingers through it.

  
“Me too,” I answered, “I don’t know. I think Da and Leo set it up so all my classes are supposed to be easy.”

  
“Vic needs to write you a note for gym,” Pat sighed, “That way you don’t have to do any physical activity just until your weight gets back up.”

  
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine I just have to eat more. It’s going to be slow but I’ll get there I promise. I don’t like feeling like this, this tired this…” I yawned, “Weak.”

  
“You’re not weak Rabbit. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are,” Pat said, “I love you. Now just close your eyes ok? I’m right here and I won’t go anywhere until I know you’re already asleep ok?” He kissed my hand as I turned our joined hands around so I could kiss his.

  
“Ok,” I nodded and sighed closing my eyes allowing him to continue running his hands through my hair until I started to relax, to drift towards blank silence and peace where I didn’t feel anything, where I didn’t worry.


	34. 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John spends the day at school and finds the whole expierence to be a nightmare even though he feels like the night before was the first time he slept in forever. Dick taunting him causing Pat to get angry. He tells Pat about his worries about his brothers and sisters and they come up with a temporary solution that back fires on them, ending up with Pat and John in the red room. Activies ensue John feeling somewhat comfortable and accepting of it for maybe a few minutes before Connor and Leo go and ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 664 to 700. Only 437 pages left of part 2. I have no idea how many pages that leaves us with but it's either going to go by really fast or really slow. **Warnings: Underage kissing both consensual and forced, Underage sex, forced, rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced anal, forced oral, mental health issues, eating disorder, harassment, bullying, molestation, talk of child abuse**

That night Da probably didn’t come to me because when I woke up I wasn’t sore. I was actually less tired then I had been the only thing waking my alarm telling me it was time for me to get ready for school. I hurried and got ready grabbing an orange and eating it on my way to the bus stop before I realized I couldn’t take the bus and sighed turning around and starting to walk in the other direction towards school when a car started following me. At first, I tried to ignore it minding my own business hoping it was just my imagination but every turn I made the car followed me until I was sweating my pace so fast I was almost running and then the window rolled down.

  
“Are you going to get in the car or not? Because you shouldn’t be walking,” I heard a familiar voice say and turned my head.

  
“What the fuck you guys? You scared the living shit out of me!” I shouted looking at Pat who was grinning from the back window that had been rolled down.

  
“Just get in!” I heard Hunter yell from the driver’s seat as Pat opened the door and scooted over.

  
“Oh god,” I sighed climbing into the car, “I thought you were away at school Hunter.”

  
“I dropped,” Hunter answered, “I didn’t want to be some old man’s butt boy. I mean Jesus Christ man had to be ancient. I might be desperate but I’m not that desperate.”

  
“Where were you supposed to be going to school?” I asked.

  
“Princeton,” Pat, Cole and Hunter all said at once.

  
“I’m 18 I might not have my full autonomy yet but I do have some choices I can make and that’s one of them. I don’t have to contract myself to anyone I don’t want to. According to the rules anyway,” Hunter answered “So, I’m going to Palm state next semester and then I’ll transfer over somewhere else.”

  
“Oh,” I said, “So you’re driving us today?”

  
“Every day you can’t ride the bus because honestly I would rather save some people a beating of their lifetime. And no, it’s not because I’m hot for your ass Cole, it’s because you’re my friend.”

  
“I know you’re not hot for me. I thought we already went over that,” Cole sighed, “I’m taken anyway.”

  
“I’d be careful who hears you say that,” Pat muttered.

  
“Taken? Yeah taken to the Villa every weekend,” Hunter scoffed.

  
“Shut up! And it’s not every weekend,” Cole said shaking his head, “Thank you for the ride by the way. It beats walking.”

  
“Yeah and it beats him getting rides from someone I can’t keep an eye on,” Pat said grabbing my hand and squeezing.

  
“So that’s still a thing? I thought you were dating a girl, John?” Hunter questioned.

  
“I was in Montana. I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Who exactly does he think he needs to protect you from?” Hunter asked.

  
“He’s contracted,” Pat answered.

  
“So were you, I thought,” Hunter said a slight smile playing on his face as he looked at us in the rear-view mirror.

  
“I am but Gus doesn’t care. At least not enough to keep it in his pants outside of the Villa,” Pat said.

  
“Gus is Gus,” Hunter said, “God I hated him. He’d put on a video just so he could grope whomever he wanted. Gus can be a sick fuck if he’s interested in you.”

  
“Yeah, no kidding,” Pat said as Cole coughed lightly, “They all kind of use that trick though pisses me the fuck off too. Shit.”

  
“What? Are they scamming on your Squirrel there Pat?” Hunter asked laughing lightly.

  
“He’s a person and I think that’s a question you should ask him and he’ll tell you if he wants you to know,” Pat said looking at me as I sighed.

  
“A little,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “But what exactly am I supposed to do about it?”

  
“Well there isn’t much you can do, John. Just grit your teeth and try to bare it,” Hunter answered as we pulled up to the school, “Have a good day I’ll be by to pick you up.”

  
“Thanks man we owe you,” Pat said clapping Hunter on the shoulder.

  
“You don’t owe me shit besides maybe a smoke,” Hunter answered driving away.

  
“So just wait around for Hunter after school?” I asked.

  
“Yes, I don’t want you anywhere near fucking Dick or Leo all right? Especially not after what you told me last night. Dick thought I was pissed before? He better watch his fucking back,” Pat said.

  
“Pat doesn’t start anything,” I said shaking my head, “Please, it’s not worth it.”

  
“I could have handled my Dad all right? I can’t handle that. I can’t,” Pat replied shaking his head.

  
“You would have done it for him,” Cole pointed out as Tosh walked up to us.

  
“Done what?” Tosh asked as Cole hugged him around the neck and we started walking to our spot where we would hang out before the bell rang.

  
“Bent over and you know how it goes…” Cole said quietly.

  
“Oh, yeah he would do that for John,” Tosh agreed.

  
“That’s different though,” Pat insisted, “I don’t have nearly as much bullshit I have to deal with outside of that.”

  
“It’s not different. You just think it is because it would be you protecting him,” Cole pointed out.

  
“Either way it’s done and over with so can we just not talk about it?” I asked.

  
“Wait did this happen on your way home yesterday? Because Dick said he wouldn’t hurt you,” Cole pointed out.

  
“According to him he didn’t,” I answered quietly.

  
“I don’t know what world Dick is now living in but, I’m sorry having something shoved up your ass always hurts. That pressure is hella uncomfortable,” Cole said, “Unless it’s not.”

  
“Cole really?” Pat said shaking his head.

  
“What? It can feel good sometimes,” Cole said, “I mean when you’re with someone you want to do that.”

  
Tosh gave Cole and evil look and smacked him lightly, “Shut up.”

  
“Eww, thanks,” Pat said closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, “I don’t need to know that’s what you do in your free time.”

  
“I wasn’t meaning that…not specifically,” Cole muttered.

  
“You mean you two? Yeah, I figured that much but still didn’t need to know that,” Pat said.

  
“Like you two don’t?” Tosh said looking at us and I felt my face flush lightly, “You don’t?”

  
“You sound surprised,” Pat said looking at Tosh.

  
“It’s just whatever you guys have you’ve had it longer then Cole and I. So, I just thought that you know you probably had,” Tosh said.

  
“Well we haven’t,” Pat said, “Don’t assume it’s unbecoming.”

  
“Sorry,” Tosh said, “Do you guys even want to?”

  
“Huh, maybe one day,” I answered, “I just I …”

  
“Rabbit you don’t need to explain to anyone ok?” Pat told me cupping my face gently in his hands.

  
I sighed in relief and nodded my head. I knew he was right but I always felt like I needed to explain it. Explain the choices to only go as far as we had gone. Explain why I didn’t want Pat touching me in certain places, why I was afraid of his mouth wandering down my chest and to my belly button. Why it didn’t feel right to me.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Tosh said.

  
“It’s ok,” I smiled lightly at him, “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
The bell rang and we all sighed walking towards the building. The day was starting. Math class didn’t make me nervous but, it wasn’t something I looked forward to always struggling to stay awake even though that day I felt less tired then I had in a long time and Pat kept playing footsy with me in the back row as we worked on the problems together. When the bell rang for Gym Pat and I headed towards the gym where we ended up meeting up with Dom. We were about to start a new sport so I wasn’t really thrilled and I had yet to get a note from Vic excusing me from physical activity until my weight got pushed up but that didn’t seem to matter Brian telling me he wanted to talk to me before I joined everyone after I had gotten dressed.

  
When I was dressed I stopped in the door of the office him and Luke shared. I started shifting my weight from foot to foot wondering what he wanted. Remembering how everyone had said his measuring tape and hands had lingered a little too long in certain places.

  
“You wanted to see me sir?” I asked quietly.

  
“Yeah come in shut the door,” he said.

  
That was something I didn’t want to do. Being alone in a room with an adult man always made me nervous especially one I didn’t know well. I sighed looking at him uncertain of whether I should listen to him or stay where I was.

  
“Come on,” he said looking up from the desk, “Are you nervous?”

  
“N-no,” I stammered unconvincingly as I turned and shut the door quietly behind me not leaving the door keeping my hand on the knob.

  
“You’re a five, right?” He asked me my eyes widening in fear before he added, “I’m not here for that. I’m just curious.”

  
“Yeah,” I answered looking at my toes.

  
“That would be why I don’t see you around the Villa a lot. You are a limited edition,” he said, “Even though I know your uncle well but he goes to every party he’s allowed to. Which is just about all of them.”

  
“Why am I in here?” I asked quietly confused.

  
“I just wanted to see you,” he told me casually as if it was no big deal he wanted to be alone in a room with me.

  
“Please don’t,” I said closing my eyes trying to control my breathing as I started to panic.

  
“Don’t what?” He asked me a smile playing across his face.

  
“Don’t hurt me,” I answered barely a whisper.

  
“I won’t, I promise,” He said not coming any closer to me, “It happens a lot?”

  
“All the time,” I replied.

  
“That’s why you’re so skittish. Probably every time you’re alone in a room with someone something happens, huh?” He asked his smile growing, “You are rather pretty. I can see the appeal.”

  
“Can I go?” I asked daring a quick glance up.to look into his eyes before staring at my feet again.

  
“Don’t worry, there isn’t time for that,” Brian said, “I got a call from your Doctor that you should have limited physical activity. So, this week you’ll sit, you’ll take notes and you’ll take the test at the end of the two weeks but you won’t be doing the actual hockey playing all right?”

  
“Yes sir,” I answered, “May I go?”

  
“Yes, you may go,” he answered my question as I pulled the door open quickly and sighed with relief as I shut the office door behind me and hurried out into the gym to join the rest of the class.

  
I sat in the corner awkwardly after a while my whole being just feeling numb, confused. He had called me pretty, told me he understood why everyone wanted to hurt me. Yet he hadn’t done it himself. He had said there wasn’t time. It made me feel scared and nervous. Did that mean if there had been time he would have? That he wanted to? Just like it seemed all of them wanted to?

  
“Hey,” Pat said suddenly beside me where he hadn’t been before making me jump a foot in the air, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah I’m-I’m fine.”

  
“No, you’re not. What happened?” Pat asked me frowning.

  
“Nothing. Brian just makes me nervous,” I answered quietly, “He said I’m out of gym at least the physical part.”

  
“Did he hurt you?” Pat asked me his voice getting quieter by the second.

  
“No,” I shook my head lightly, “No, he didn’t hurt me.”

  
“You swear?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I swear,” I answered, “I don’t know. He just made me nervous is all.”

  
“He makes everyone nervous. I heard from Jesus he was watching him in the showers but I don’t think he was. Usually they tend to be more careful. Unless he’s not brotherhood. Then he’s just an idiot,” Pat mentioned.

  
“He’s brotherhood, trust me,” I answered.

  
“He said something?” Pat asked me.

  
I nodded my head and swallowed. I hated having the fact thrown in my face that I was a bottom. I might have been at the top of the bottoms but I was still a bottom regardless. Still a nothing, still something to be used.

  
“Don’t pay him any attention ok? He’s not supposed to touch you anyway so why does it matter what he said?” Pat asked me quietly.

  
“Other than it makes my stomach hurt? It doesn’t,” I answered shrugging.

  
“Well, gym will be over soon. At least you don’t have to shower be thankful for that,” Pat said smiling.

  
“I thought you liked it when I showered,” I asked playfully raising an eyebrow causing Pat to laugh heartedly.

  
“In private when it’s just you and me,” he answered, “I’m glad to see Brian while he makes you nervous didn’t ruin your day.”

  
“Nothing can ruin my day if you’re with me,” I answered quietly as he stared at me closely his eyes giving me this look I can’t quiet describe as I felt my face heat up and a blush broke out across the bridge of his nose.

  
“Someone flirting?” We heard making us both jump like 10 feet in the air turning to see Dom standing over us, “Guess so considering the reaction.”

  
“Not really. He said something sweet,” Pat answered as Dom reached out a hand to pull him up.

  
“Oh, tell me,” Dom said smiling, “I miss sweet sometimes. Talia and I haven’t talked since school started up and I’m getting lonely.”

  
Pat reached out his hand pulling me up, “Maybe later time for showers, right?” Pat asked.

  
“Yep, see you later John,” Dom said starting to walk towards the locker room.

  
“Don’t go too far without me ok? Because you know next class is…” I cut Pat off.

  
“I know. I won’t,” I answered, “I promise.”

  
“Good, change and I’ll meet you back out here all right?” Pat told me.

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head and going over to the locker area to change. I changed quickly and went to go sit down in the gym waiting for everyone else to get done in the showers. I noticed Luke watching me looking at me silently and I wasn’t sure what he wanted but knew he wasn’t a bad guy. I sighed when he started coming towards me.

  
“You’ve lost a lot of weight this year,” Luke commented.

  
“Yeah,” I answered shrugging my shoulders. What was I supposed to do about it? It wasn’t like I had done it on purpose. And it wasn’t like I could gain the weight back over night.

  
“Are you doing ok? Stressed?” He asked me trying to sound casual.

  
“I’m fine,” I lied. What exactly was I supposed to say? I’m tired because I have someone raping me any time they want to every weekend and then my Da comes into my room on Monday night and makes me do the same thing and then makes me share a bed with him? I feel like I can’t breathe most of the time let alone eat? What did he want from me?

  
“You don’t seem fine,” he replied.

  
“If there was something wrong, I probably wouldn’t tell you anyway. So, why are you asking?” I shot back.

  
“That’s exactly what I’m thinking,” Luke commented, “Talking about things helps.”

  
“Not in this case. Because nothing is going on. If I needed help I have people to talk to all right?” I told him.

  
“All right,” he said, “I can respect that but, people don’t lose a significant amount of weight in less than three months for no reason. You were healthy when school started now you’re on restricted physical activity so something is going on.”

  
“I just don’t feel good lately ok? I’m getting help, obviously. My doctor is making sure I get weighed everyday by him personally. So, you have nothing you need to worry about when it comes to me. If I were you I’d worry about other things,” I told him.

  
“Like what?” he asked me, “My teaching partner? Yeah, I’m well aware thank you for that. You think I haven’t noticed or received complaints? I’ve been told to watch him very closely speaking of where…? If you’ll excuse me.”

  
Luke straightened his tie and briskly walked into the locker room. He must have figured out Brian wasn’t where he had last seen him and gotten worried. I sighed in relief knowing that I didn’t have to deal with Luke’s interrogation anymore as the bell rang and everyone started filing out of the locker room Pat one of the first ones to leave.

  
“You ok?” He asked me, “You look really frowny.”

  
“Luke was asking me questions about my health, whether I was ok or not. If it was due to stress,” I answered shrugging.

  
“How did that go?” Pat asked.

  
“I pointed out he had other things to worry about and then he ran off when he knew Brian wasn’t anywhere near by,” I said.

  
“Nice,” Pat said, “You ready to help me battle my demons?”

  
“Gus? Never. I’m never ready to deal with him or the way he talks about you sometimes,” I answered.

  
“What about the way he talks about you?” He asked me.

  
“Everyone talks about me like that, to me like that,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“And they shouldn’t,” Pat said, “No one should talk about you like that.”

  
I sighed running a hand through my hair looking around nervously as we walked down the hall towards McClairen’s class. I didn’t want people overhearing this and felt like the hall was too open. Too many people could hear and would know. It didn’t take a rocket scientist for someone to figure out what we were talking about. That we were talking about bad things.

  
“Ok,” Pat said clapping me on the shoulder, “No more of that all right? What are you thinking you’re going to eat for lunch today?”

  
“I don’t even know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I’m not really hungry at all.”

  
“Yeah but you have to eat,” Pat told me.

  
“I know, I know. I just it’s hard when I’m not hungry but I will. I swear,” I replied.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head as we walked up to the door and inside the classroom just as the bell rang.

  
“And now that everyone is here, we are going to go back to discussing things that happened in the 1840’s,” McClairen answered, “Let’s talk about the gold rush…”

  
I tuned out of the conversation for a while until I heard a comment about something being the color of my hair and Pat saying, “That is copper not gold.”

  
“Yeah, I’d say his hair is probably copper, that is not anywhere near the color of gold however it can be just as…enchanting,” McClairen commented looking purposefully at me.

  
“Maybe, someone has some copper fever instead of gold,” Someone snickered behind me.

  
McClairen cleared his throat, “Ruiz see me at the bell please.”

  
The bell rang just at that moment and Pat and I both got up. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why did people think it was fucking funny? Why on earth did anyone think that was funny or ok? I mean I was used to being picked on especially for my hair but really? Why was that ok?

  
“Are you all right?” Pat asked me quietly as we got out into the hall and I shook my head. I knew I was shaking but I was trying to hide it, “Ok, let’s go chill for a couple minutes all right?”

  
I nodded my head breathing deeply in my nose and out my mouth trying to keep myself from freaking out because I knew I was really close to losing it. We walked into the bathroom Pat grabbing me before my knees gave out under me and hugging pulling my head to his chest resting his chin on the top of my head as he hugged me. I buried my face into his chest trying not to cry but the tears coming anyway.

  
“You’re ok, you did great. You did so good,” Pat tried to hush me, “You’re doing so great. You didn’t flip out in front of everyone. I think your ears barely turned red.”

  
“Why do they think it’s ok? Why do they believe that it’s ok to remind me? That he doesn’t remind me enough that I’m just…” Pat cut me off.

  
“Rabbit you’re not anyone’s toy ok? So, don’t even say it. You’re a human being, that I love more than anything. They don’t know that’s why they say that stuff because, they don’t know. If you notice the only ones who ever say stuff like that, that actually know are recruits that are just being nasty. No other bottom would ever say anything like that. You know that,” Pat told me, “You’re safe, your ok right now.”

  
I let him hold me for a few minutes allowing me to breathe in his scent to feel his body against mine and hear his heart beat under his shirt. I allowed myself to calm down until my breathing and heart beat matched his own, until our hearts were beating as one and then I sighed looking up at him.

  
“Hi there,” he said smiling at me.

  
“Thank you,” I mumbled untangling myself from him and splashing water on my face.

  
“Nothing to thank me for. Now let’s go get you some food all right? You have to eat something. Even if it’s just a side salad and a chicken taco please,” he prodded as we left the bathroom walking towards the cafeteria.

  
“Hi. Anyone else feel like they are going to die during English?” Tosh said turning around when he saw us.

  
“Only of boredom and there are worse things to die from,” Pat commented, “You think father Dunbee is that bad huh?”

  
“His monotone drives me crazy. Who talks to like that?” Tosh asked shaking his head.

  
“I don’t think he sounds monotone. Just like dull,” I added.

  
“He could at least read with some…I don’t know how you say it, thrill?” Tosh said.

  
“Enthusiasm?” I suggested.

  
“Yes,” Tosh added.

  
“At least class is uneventful,” Dom said coming up behind me, “At least you don’t have to sit there while he hits on you or eye rapes you.”

  
“True,” Tosh said agreeing, “However I do have one creepy teacher but that’s like Math. Father Lewis.”

  
“We have Finick and McClairen and apparently the TA in charge of gym Brian he’s a real creep too.”

  
“I hate Finick,” Dom said.

  
“Me too,” I said. Not caring to elaborate.

  
“Well you would,” Dom said with a quick nod of his head as we finally entered the lunch line.

  
I actually got a real lunch of fish sticks and rice along with green beans and an apple. I ate the green beans and Fish and most of the apple leaving the rice alone but felt beyond full as I sat at the table holding my head in my hands. I wanted to throw up.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me.

  
“I think I’m going to barf,” I answered honestly.

  
“Eat too much?” Cole asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“It’s really hard to not just get up and go barf right now,” I answered laying my head against the cold wood of the lunch table.

  
The pain is my stomach was beyond horrible. It felt like I had an alien that wanted to come bursting out of it like in the movie Alien. The food sour and churning deep in my stomach making me want to curl up and die. I couldn’t though. I knew I couldn’t my whole body shaking with the anxiety of wanting to, needing to.

  
“You look a little green,” Dom commented opening up his chocolate milk and taking a drink.

  
“Maybe you should go to the nurse?” Tosh asked.

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
“Well, if you’re not feeling good you really should,” Cole said.

  
“No, not going to the nurse. I’m not going home right now,” I said again.

  
“Why?” Tosh asked curiously.

  
“Is he home?” Dom asked me.

  
“He’s always home Dom,” I answered.

  
“What?” Tosh asked.

  
“It’s nothing don’t worry about it,” Pat said.

  
“Oh that,” Tosh said.

  
“Yeah, that,” Dick said behind me making me jump ten feet in the air.

  
“And no one could have warned me?!” I said almost throwing up on the table right then and there.

  
“I didn’t know he was an issue for you sorry,” Tosh commented taking some of his fruit cup on his spoon and eating it.

  
“What the fuck do you want?” Pat hissed standing up.

  
“Keep your ass in that seat Kingly. You come near me and your Dad will hear about it this time,” Dick spat back putting his arms on either side of the table around me trapping me there.

  
I felt like I had a boulder on my chest feeling myself starting to panic. I didn’t want him that close to me. Not after what he did yesterday, not after that.

  
“Hey John,” Dom said, “You’re fine he can’t do anything more then what he’s doing right now.”

  
I nodded my head trying to breathe gripping the leg of the table in front of me. I knew my whole body was starting to shake. I wanted to scream, I wanted him to back off but I knew doing that would draw everyone’s attention. If I did that I would be in huge trouble for getting attention of people who weren’t in the brotherhood. People who didn’t know what was going on.

  
“Leave him alone,” Pat hissed.

  
“Why? What are you going to do about it?” Dick taunted.

  
“Make sure everyone knows your gay and you want a piece of that,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Wouldn’t that out you too?” Dick asked.

  
“Nah, I’m not the one hanging on him in the lunch room, am I? That and everyone knows I’ve gone with Delia. So, joke would be on you,” Pat said and Dick backed up enough that he was no longer pressed against my back.

  
“You wouldn’t,” Dick said shaking his head.

  
“Apparently you believe he would enough to back up,” Tosh pointed out taking a drink from his water, “Now if you don’t mind I do believe I need to go shower because that made me feel gross just watching. So, if you could move and let my friend go before I have to put you in some type of choke hold that would be great.”

  
“Toshi please don’t,” Cole said standing up, “He’s not worth the trouble you’d get into.”

  
“I don’t care. No one does that,” Tosh said shaking his head, “When I said I’d kick some ass at the Villa next time he threatened anyone I wasn’t lying. So, I’m giving him fair warning.”

  
I closed my eyes tightly still trying to breathe. I could still feel him on my back, his eyes looking at me burrowing into my spine. It was almost painful the way the waves kept crashing up and down my body making the urge to throw up that much worse.

  
“Hey, both of you take a walk,” Cole hissed grabbing Tosh gently by the neck and forcing him away from the table briskly.

  
Dick cleared his throat. I felt like he was going to say or do something behind me that I couldn’t see. Me just trying to stay calm, trying to breathe, trying not to barf. Even though that honestly would have probably been a great defensive move at the time. But my brain was too flooded with panic to really think about that at that time. At the time, I just waited with my eyes closed hoping he would just leave me alone and sighing heavily when I felt him walk away.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me looking at me closely but not getting up to move towards me.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answered trying to get the tremors out of my body.

  
“You look really pale,” Dom commented, “You sure you’re ok?”

  
“Just leave it alone all right? It’s not like there is anything anyone can do about it,” I muttered standing up and throwing my tray away before I went into the bathroom splashing water on my face.

  
I was so angry. So, angry that I hadn’t stood up for myself. That I was scared of him. Of fucking Dick. That I felt so weak and stupid, like such a loser.

  
“Hey,” Pat said quietly walking in almost startling me again, “You get sick?”

  
I shook my head and response and sighed, “Why do you want to be friends with a loser like me?” I asked not able to look up at him.

  
“You’re not a loser ok? They have you scared with good reason. John, they do bad things to you, bad things that grown people can’t handle and while, we both have to admit it we’re not all the way grown yet,” Pat answered shrugging his shoulders, “You handle things pretty good in my opinion.”

  
“Why? Because I’m still able to function just barely?” I asked actually managing to look up as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  
“Yes, and take care of 10 kids,” Pat said.

  
“Not very well. Alice does most of it. She’s picked up extra shifts to keep things running because I’m so tired all the time,” I said.

  
“Hey what you do for them is no small thing Rabbit,” Pat said, “You have no idea how strong you are, do you?” he asked me coming towards me and wrapping his arms around my neck lovingly, “You also have no idea how cute some of the faces you pull are. Like the look you give me when you don’t believe me. The one where your one eye brow cocks up and your lip lightly curls like this “are you kidding me?” type of thing. It’s really cute.”

  
He smiled and leaned in biting my ear lightly making me laugh as I felt my face heat up. It felt good instantly making me relax as I hugged him. He felt so nice and warm and smelled so good. Something about him making me feel safe, not worry. I knew we shouldn’t especially at school in the open bathroom and not in a stall but I wanted him to keep doing it. I wanted to slide my hands down the back of his pants, wanted to feel his skin under my fingers as his tongue swirled with mine but I sighed heavily pulling away.

  
“We shouldn’t,” I said.

  
“I know,” he said his eyes still lit up, “It made you feel better though. Didn’t it?”

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Yes it did.”

  
“Good,” he said grabbing my hands kissing me quickly on the lips, “Don’t let him get to you ok? You did great though. You handled that really well.”

  
“Cowering in fear is handling it really well huh?” I snorted.

  
“You didn’t cower ok? You might have twitched a little bit but you didn’t cower or whimper or anything. You just sat really still with your eyes closed. You did good. Trust me, all right. I wouldn’t lie,” Pat said.

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head feeling like I was about to start crying. Knowing that Dick had done things to me. That he had ran his hands over my skin and I hadn’t wanted him to. Thinking about where his mouth had gone, how he had forced me to kiss him. How he had made me feel sick to my stomach and he always would.

  
“Hey,” Pat said hugging me again, “Hey you did great. You really did. If Gus did that to me I’d probably turn around and punch his lights out. Which is probably why he doesn’t approach me at school.”

  
“I’d wish that he would keep some comments to himself then,” I said thinking of how we had to go back to his class.

  
“That wasn’t even him. That was just someone being an idiot,” Pat said, “However his looks are what triggered the comment.”

  
“Yeah and I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that,” I muttered.

  
“Me too,” Pat said running a hand through my hair, “It makes me so mad that he…he had no right to. Not after the first time. He had no right to do that to you at the Villa. None at all. Especially with my Dad.”

  
“That day,” I said quietly thinking about it, “That day it was Dobbs and Chad and Lou and then Hank and Gus and then Dick.”

  
“I thought you were sponsored that party?” Pat asked me quietly worry crossing his face causing his brow to scrunch in confusion.

  
“I was,” I answered.

  
“That’s a lot of people for a sponsored party,” Pat told me.

  
“I hate that they like me,” I said, “I hate that they all…”

  
“I know,” Pat said, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything. You know that, right?”

  
“That’s what you guys tell me,” I mumbled.

  
“Because it’s true,” Pat said, “I’ve been where you are. Not as concentrated but, yeah. And I know it’s not fair, that it doesn’t feel good that you hate yourself but, there isn’t any reason for you to hate yourself Rabbit. You haven’t done anything to deserve this. Just hold on to me and everything will be ok I promise. Maybe not right away but one day things will be ok. I love you.”

  
“I love you too,” I answered.

  
I trusted him with my life. In that moment, I was reminded that he would never lie to me. It was so hard to trust anyone but I trusted him. I needed him and he knew it and he was willing to let me have that. To give me as much of him as he possibly could. He placed his forehead against mine before he kissed me and I kissed him back, willingly with hope and desire. With want and need. I needed to feel him in ways I wasn’t supposed to. My tongue rolling across his again as his hands caressed my face and neck as my hands rubbed his back.

  
Obviously, you’re seeing a theme here. Pat and I made out in that bathroom A LOT. The bell rang and we broke apart both of our lips ruddy and swollen flushed from rough kissing.

  
“Are you ready to deal with this?” He asked me barely a whisper referring to class, referring to being in a room with Gus for another two hours.

  
“Yeah, as long as you’re there,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Always Rabbit,” he said squeezing my hand quickly before we walked to the bathroom door heading down the hallway back to class.

  
We sat down at our desks joining the other students who had already made it to class. He waited for the second bell to ring and then fiddled with the remote turning on the TV that was hanging in the corner of the room by the wall. Finding the right source and then turning to the class.

  
“And now because we talked about the Gold Rush we’re going to watch a documentary on the Gold rush. I want you to take notes please and when you are done I want you to turn them in. Tomorrow we will have a test about what we learned in the video. And now for your viewing pleasure…” He said pressing play and walking over to turn off the lights.

  
Pat put his hand on my knee under the table helping me relax. I felt better having him touch me since the lights going off never meant anything good especially if Finick or McClairen were in the room. McClairen kept his distance from us though. Probably because of the comment Ruiz had made before lunch but I was thankful for it anyway the lights turning on shortly before the bell rang.

  
We got up and left the room without anything happening and made it Dunbee’s class actually early. No one was in the room as we sat down. I sighed allowing myself to relax as Pat sat next to me turning to face me in his chair.

  
“That was weird,” Pat told me.

  
“That he didn’t do anything when the lights were off? Yeah,” I said.

  
“Probably because of Ruiz. Maybe we should let him make those comments more often?” Pat asked.

  
“Personally, it wasn’t only embarrassing for McClairen you know so would prefer if he didn’t,” I answered honestly and Pat nodding his head taking a hold of my hand.

  
“Father McClairen gentlemen,” Father Dunbee said as he entered to room making us both jump as Pat retracted his hand quickly, “And how are you two today Mr. McGregor? Mr. Kingly?”

  
“Good father,” Pat answered.

  
“I’m fine father. Thank you,” I answered, “And how are you Father?”

  
“As well as God as allowed for today but, God is always kinder then we realize,” he answered, “McGregor I would like to say something about the list you gave me a couple weeks ago is it all right if I mention it?”

  
“Yes, father,” I answered.

  
“All right well, there is some ongoing investigations and apparently Finick is going to be transferred to a different school soon. So that should give you some relief. I’m not sure when it will happen as for the other names there is no news yet.”

  
“Ok Father, thank you,” I said quietly as Pat gave me a questioning look.

  
“I gave him a list of names of people who…,” I trailed off not wanting to say it. Not wanting to say it was a list of people who had raped me. A list of people who were a danger to me.

  
“Ok,” Pat nodded his head, “Why not McClairen?”

  
“McClairen has high standing with someone very high up in the church and so I’m having a hard time convincing people he needs looking into. I’m still working on it but finding it hard to find anyone willing to look into his activities.”

  
“What would you need to have in order to convince people it was a good idea?” Pat asked.

  
“Evidence that he’s …into unholy activities,” Father Dunbee answered.

  
“No Pat,” I said shaking my head reading his thoughts, “No.”

  
“It’d be easy to just hide a camera. It’s not that hard,” Pat answered.

  
“Whatever it is you are thinking of doing Mr. Kingly might I kindly remind you that some of your activities put any evidence you might be able to come by into question,” Father Dunbee said, “So I suggest you don’t.”

  
“So, I just let it keep happening?” He asked Father Dunbee.

  
“You wait,” he suggested, “Think about anything you do through very carefully because you know just as I know this thing is very big.”

  
“Yes father,” Pat said just as the class started filling in.

  
Class went by uneventfully. The hours ticking down until Hunter arrived to pick us up and take us back to our homes. I still don’t remember what was read but the bell rang as Father Dunbee closed the book for the day wishing us a good evening and telling us not to be late for mass in the morning.

  
“So now that that’s over what are you going to do tonight?” Pat asked me a sly smile on his face as he looked at me.

  
“Well honestly I’m probably going to end up playing princess tea party and then feeding and bathing some children before I myself go to bed because I am fucking wiped, what about you?” I asked.

  
“You think you can fit some room in there for me somewhere?” He asked me.

  
“Maybe,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know something doesn’t…I don’t know.”

  
“Feel right? Has something been off lately?” He asked me quietly, “With your dad or Uncle?”

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “Every time I walk into that house I feel like I can’t breathe. I know what they want from me and it scares me. They scare me especially because I know what they are doing. That they are starting to go after my little brothers and sisters. I don’t know what to do, how to stop them.”

  
“They’re going after all of them?” Pat asked quietly grabbing my hand.

  
“Hank was over yesterday when I got home in the pool with the babies and Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben let Hank touch Mac and he almost…your Dad he almost…” I couldn’t even say it I was starting to shake so badly.

  
“Are you saying he almost touched him like…that?” Pat hesitated in asking me for a second but I nodded my head.

  
“I told him not to, to let him go. He asked me if he could…he wanted me to skinny dip with them. Alice came out. She scared them. If she wouldn’t have come out of the house I…” Pat wrapped his arms around me.

  
“You did good. You were protecting him. You did so good Rabbit, I’m so proud of you,” Pat said, “No wonder you feel like you can’t breathe. He’s getting worse, all of them are. Do you think they’re planning something? Something with like…?”

  
“Like what Da made Will and I do? I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Cole and I are coming to your house today ok? I’ll call Dad and just tell him we’re working on a project and Cole decided to hang out too. It’ll give you and Alice extra eyes and ears. Keep everyone safe, hopefully you too. Because I can’t tell if they’re getting worse because they know it’ll make you submit in order to protect everyone else or if they really are going after them,” Pat answered as Cole started walking towards them.

  
“Hey, Cole. We’re going to go hang out at John’s for a bit,” Pat said, “You’re coming too.”

  
“I have homework,” Cole frowned, “Not that I don’t want to hang with you two but, I have homework.”

  
“Will can help you when he gets home,” Pat said, “He’s smarter than the three of us put together so you know, pick his brain a little bit. No big.”

  
“Yeah, all right,” Cole sighed as Hunter pulled up.

  
“One stop Hunter, John’s house,” Pat said.

  
Hunter eyed Pat awkwardly in the rear-view mirror, “Did you just decide to get kinky with your brother around or is something else going on?”

  
“Something else,” Pat said, “I’m not doing my brother. At least not today.”

  
“Eww,” Cole said.

  
“Yeah…,” Hunter said and then cleared his throat.

  
“So, what exactly are we doing over there?” Cole asked.

  
“Well, you’re doing homework,” Pat said snickering.

  
“No, I mean for real,” Cole asked.

  
“A little bit of babysitting. Just to help out,” Pat answered honestly.

  
“Any reason why?” Cole questioned raising an eyebrow.

  
“Huh,” Pat looked at me grabbing my hand and rubbing the back of it, “Can I tell you when we get there?”

  
“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “Does that mean like I play board games and video games with the kids and stuff?”

  
“Yeah,” Pat said, “You might end up playing what was it John, tea party?”

  
“Yes,” I answered, “or princess tea party which Cat makes you put on a dress and some high heels and I’m going to tell her princess tea party is off limits.” I answered.

  
Hunter broke out into a fit of laughter, “No you should do it. I’ll even stay and find a camera, take some pictures. That’s so awesome! I’d pay money to see you guys play princess tea party.”

  
“Yeah please tell her I don’t wear dresses and heels,” Cole said nodding his head.

 

“Maybe we should let him so we can have some time just the two of us?” Pat whispered into my ear and I felt myself smile.

  
“HEY! No scheming back there. I am not watching the kids while you two go and have some private time,” Cole said his eyes wide.

  
“Man don’t cock block your brother,” Hunter said shaking his head.

  
“I’m not. I just don’t want to be aware that they might have some alone time,” Cole said, “We might joke about it but that doesn’t mean I want to think about him personally doing that…”

  
“Hey, you told me earlier that you and Tosh were bumping uglies and I didn’t need to know that. And you already know about our activities or lack thereof,” Pat answered.

  
“So, you two have picked it back up then?” Hunter asked us.

  
“Not exactly,” Pat said.

  
“Oh, don’t lie they totally are,” Cole said, “I saw them leaving the bathroom after lunch and there was an exchange of smiles and someone looked a little flushed around the ears. Don’t be embarrassed John, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

  
I felt my face going red. I thought we had been hiding it better than that. I mean I figured Pat would have told Cole that we had been kissing the bathroom at least after yesterday but that he had seen it. Did that mean McClairen would see it too? That he would tell my Da or Mr. Lord.

  
“Relax,” Cole said, “I don’t think anyone else noticed and I’m not about to tell anyone. Pat’s my brother and I happen to be fond of you. So, no one is going to know. That and Pat kind of told me about yesterday last night anyway, so I just kind of half figured that’s what was up when you walked out of the bathroom together.”

  
“We haven’t done anything wrong,” Pat told me, “And we’re not going to.”

  
“Especially not if we’re babysitting which you’re going to tell me why once we get there, correct?” Cole asked.

  
“Yes, I will fill you in,” Pat said, “I promise. You don’t have a problem with that do you Rabbit?”

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
I didn’t have a problem with Cole knowing why we needed him. Not if he was actually going to help keep an eye on things and help me keep my siblings’ safe. However, outside of whoever needed to know I didn’t want people knowing. Not even other bottoms. It was one thing everyone knowing they were raping me another thing for them to know that my Da and Uncle were starting to eye my little brothers who weren’t even five yet.

  
For me that was even a totally different ball game. Going after someone that little. I knew I had been young but I never really thought about it like that at the time it was going on. That and it was one thing when it was me and something else when it was people I felt responsible for. People that counted on me to protect them. People that it shouldn’t be happening to.

  
We pulled up right outside the gate and said our thanks to Hunter who told us he’d pick us up same time tomorrow and that I should wait by my house and not just start walking to school on my own. I agreed that was probably a good idea and we climbed out of the car. We didn’t take our time getting upstairs to the fourth floor just in case Hank or Uncle Ben happened to be hanging out somewhere throwing our bags down on the ground in my bedroom and then sitting on my bed.

  
“Ok why are we babysitting?” Cole asked Pat.

  
“Hank has been eyeing Mac and apparently Ben has been paying closer attention to some of the younger kids and…?” Pat sighed looking at me.

  
“Mr. Lord was over while I was hospitalized he took James down to the red room. Hank and Uncle Ben have been giving Andy and Mac toys just randomly. I think they are trying to groom them. Da made Will make a video. Don’t tell him I told you that by the way. Apparently, Uncle Ben has been doing stuff to the twins to the point where Matt has started doing things to Mike when we put them to bed. So, Mike is now sleeping in Will’s room with him and if you notice I have new bed and so does Will. It’s bad, things are just bad,” I filled in the blanks for Cole.

  
“I’ve heard of tops doing that before. Getting their kids new beds so they can…I’m sorry John,” Cole said.

  
“So, they can what? Spend the night with their own kid? Yeah that’s pretty much what I got out of it considering I didn’t ask for one and it was right after I got out of the hospital,” I answered, “So yeah, we could use your help because I’m not sure Alice knows what to look for and handling five under five is kind of hard. I mean Will and I did ok when we were in Montana but it was harder than we wanted it to be. He’d usually do nights so I could get some sleep and then mum would do mornings with them because she worked afternoons and nights and I had school to catch up and then when everyone was home from Day care I’d handle it with Will’s help.”

  
“Wait you raised them?” Cole asked me.

  
“Well, not really. I mean mum did the raising I just like cooked and stuff,” I answered, “Will did nights because again I had school in the morning and Mum was working. So, he was probably awaking with the babies mostly. You know, doing feeding and stuff while everyone else slept besides the occasional nightmare from James. It worked out really well actually. It’s not like I was alone in the afternoon. Will was there.”

  
“What about the twins and Catty and James?” Pat asked me.

  
“They went to summer day camp things,” I answered, “So it was easier.”

  
“Ok well, does Alice need us right now or can we play some grand theft auto?” Cole asked.

  
“I don’t know. Let’s at least go say hi. I mean they are cute, aren’t they?” I asked.

  
“Yes, I would love to say hello to them. Let’s go,” Pat said getting up.

  
We walked to the nursery to find Alice reading a story to them. Mary chewing on a stuffed bunny while Seamus was doing the same to his own hand, Laura and Mac paying rapt attention while Andy turned when he heard the door shift.

  
“JACK!” He yelled happily giggling as he ran to me.

  
“Hey buddy!” I said picking him up and hugging him, “How has your day been?”

  
“Good we played house again. I was the baby and Mac and Alice was the nanny,” he told me messing with my tie, “Why you wear a necklace?”

  
“It’s a tie bud. I told you that before remember?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he shook his head shyly.

  
“It’s apart the clothes I have to wear to school. You remember Pat and Cole?” I asked pointing at them as they smiled and waved at him.

  
“I remember Pat but not Cool,” he said to me.

  
“Cole’s my good friend too,” I told Andy who looked at Cole and smiled, “Alice,” I said turning to her to make a proper introduction, “This is Cole and you know Pat.”

  
“Nice to see you again Patrick, Nice to meet you Cole,” she said, “Are they here to help watch the kids while I make supper and do some house work?”

  
“Yes mam,” Cole said politely.

  
“Oh, aren’t you angels? Will should be home in a bit and Mikey, Matty, Catty and James someone has to meet them out front at 4:pm so you have about an hour and half before then if you three don’t mind,” she said before walking away towards the kitchen.

  
“No problem,” Pat answered picking up Mac who walked over to him and blinked his fist at him telling him he wanted to be picked up, “Hi there Mac how are you today?”

  
“Goo,” He gurgled.

  
“That’s good to hear,” Pat said as the lift turned on and his eyes went wide looking at me and Cole.

  
“Is that…?” He started to ask.

  
“His office is on the third floor so probably,” I sighed.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” Cole asked me.

  
I shrugged. I didn’t really want to think about it. What hearing it kick on half an hour before Will was supposed to be home meant but I was thankful no one would be caught in a compromised position.

  
“I can deal with him,” Pat said.

  
“Oh, hell no,” I said shaking my head, “I’d rather not and I’m not making Cole deal with him so that leaves me.”

  
“Rabbit no,” Pat said shaking his head, “No. You’re not going to be in a room alone with him, not with you like you are right now.”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked as we heard the lift open.

  
“It means as underweight and overly tired,” Pat answered, “Together all right? Cole, you stay here yeah?”

  
“Yeah, no problem. What about when someone has to go meet the kids at the gate?” Cole asked.

  
“Will, ask Will if we’re not back,” I said.

  
“Baby, I’m home!” Da called down the hallway sounding more like an old 1950’s sitcom husband greeting his wife then a rapist greeting the child he was interested in boning.

  
I swallowed and walked out of the nursery, “Hi Da.”

  
“Hi beautiful how was school?” He asked me coming towards me causing me to take a step back.

  
“Hi Mr. McGregor,” Pat said behind me pushing me out of the way and then getting in front of me.

  
“Paddy don’t play games,” he warned, “Unless you want to of course.”

  
“What does that mean?” Pat and I asked in unison.

  
“Well, I’ve been getting emails since we posted that video to streaming of you two, and apparently you two together have something people want to see. I can call Tony and see if he’s busy and get it done now or you and Will can entertain me later John, it’s up you,” Da said looking at us.

  
Pat didn’t even give me a chance to answer, “Call Tony,” Pat answered.

  
“Really? I’ll invite your Dad over too after. I’ll call Leo of course,” Da sighed, “Stupid contract. I need his permission for just about anything unless it’s just me of course.”

  
“Does that mean my Dad should call Gus?” Pat asked.

  
“You have a contract too? I didn’t know that. I think that one is on your Dad,” Da told Pat, “Why don’t we head downstairs and you two can get set up.”

  
Pat and I both nodded our heads and stepped into the lift. I wanted to be with him but not this way. Not in front of them again. However, him and I both knew we would do it. We would do it so Will didn’t have to because he cared for them just as much as I did.

  
“What if Leo says no?” I asked.

  
“I don’t think he will but if he does say no him and I can work something out. I don’t know he might want something out of it,” Da answered simply, “You two go downstairs all right. Don’t get started just get ready. I’ll make some phone calls and then come join you, all right?”

  
He touched my cheek causing me to back up against the wall of the lift. I didn’t want him touching me like that, not in front of Pat. That was something he had never done like that in front of Pat and I would rather keep it that way.

  
“Relax you’re ok, just getting you a little warmed up,” Da whispered as I shook my head.

  
“Da please,” I begged as he kissed my cheek.

  
“Connor, come on. I won’t if you do that,” Pat sighed.

  
“No, you will,” he said, “Or Will is going to. I’m sure Will would be thrilled to do that again. You remember baby, how he cried and whimpered until you hit that spot? That spot that always makes everyone go quiet?”

  
He undid the tie around my neck letting it fall on the lift floor as the lift opened onto the second floor and he sighed. He was probably upset that he couldn’t feel me up. That he couldn’t touch me in front of Pat because it seemed like he was jealous of Patrick. Of the way I felt about him.

  
“Fine downstairs, I’ll let you know what’s up after I make some calls,” he said as Pat grabbed my arm and pulled me from the elevator.

  
I felt like my body was shaking even though I couldn’t see it. I didn’t want my Da touching me like that in front of Pat. It was one thing for Pat to know it happened but completely different for him to see it. To witness the way he pressed against me, touched me grinded on me.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said to Pat.

  
“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything. You’re not making us go to the basement and hoping you’ll get to film us while we bone,” Pat sighed.

  
“He doesn’t understand boundaries,” I answered.

  
“Yeah but if this keeps Will safe I’ll do it,” Pat said, “We’ll just pretend it’s just you and me ok?”

  
“What if they make us…?” I started to ask the words getting caught in my throat.

  
I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for Pat to give me Oral. I didn’t want Oral ever. The thought of it terrified me, that warmness that I could never fight. The way it spread that cold fire up my spine. I didn’t want to do that. Not with anyone.

  
“I will tell them no ok?” Pat said taking my chin in his hands, “Just like the last time they tried to make me. I don’t have to do anything you don’t want me to.”

  
“What if he says he’ll make you do it to Will instead?” I asked scared that was going to be the outcome. That I was going to have to choose to protect him over my relationship with Patrick.

  
“Then, I’ll find another way. I will never purposefully hurt you. Not ever. If that means saying no to something they tell me to do that’s what I’m going to do ok?” Pat assured me pressing his forehead to mine.

  
I nodded my head wanting to believe him. Wanting to trust him more than anything but not sure I could. Not sure that we could do this again, survive this and I desperately needed him. I needed him more than I needed anyone else.

  
“Let’s go down stairs we can take a shower ok? Calm down and just try to relax. For all you know Leo is going to say no because my Dad will be there. He doesn’t want my Dad to touch you. My Dad isn’t like Leo and your Dad,” Pat answered.

  
“You mean he’s violent and they believe they aren’t?” I asked, “Because they are all the same to me.”

  
“I know Rabbit. I know they are just as bad but they don’t believe they are,” Pat told me as we opened the basement door and walked down the steps.

  
Pat walked me to the bathroom in the red room with the beds and shut the door behind us. He hugged me as he turned on the water stroking my hair whispering sweet nothings telling me he was sorry. That he loved me and he would do anything he could not to hurt me, to make sure it was safe. That I stayed safe.

  
“I’m scared,” I told him.

  
“I know, me too but if you want to you can be on top again. We’ll go slow pretend they aren’t there and it’s just me and you. Pretend we’re making them go away ok?” Pat told me as I stripped down to my underwear and he did the same.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as we both climbed in the shower him hugging me his hands stroking up and down my naked back as I wrapped my hands around his waist hugging him back, “Are we really going to do this?”

  
“If we have to,” Pat answered reaching over and grabbing the shower poof putting soap on it before rubbing it on my chest, “We’ll be ok. I can’t say I don’t think about it you know? Us. I think about how that felt all the time. How you were warm and soft, how you felt good and safe. How I want to do it again. I just didn’t want to do it like this you know?”

  
“Me too,” I answered, “I just thought it would be different. Just us. One day, at some point after we were done with Leo and Gus.”

  
“You have no idea how strong you are? Do you Rabbit? How Handsome and sweet,” Pat said his hand starting to go lower.

  
I didn’t flinch or pull away. I didn’t want to not while it was just the two of us. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me his hand cupping my balls gently, not really massaging but more petting sending warm heat flooding up my body as he grabbed my shoulder pushing me softly against the wall in order to hold me steady as he lips met mine his tongue coaxing my mouth open as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders kissing back urgently until I was overwhelmed with the feeling of his touch, of his hands caressing and petting my groin.

  
I heard him laugh lightly and opened my eyes, “What?” I barely managed to ask panting silently still allowing the waves of pleasure to crash over my body.

  
“You’re have a stunning face when you’re enjoying the way you feel. your lips parted just so and your eyes closed a slight smile,” He breathed against my neck before his tongue found its way into my mouth his hand picking up speed making me fervently moan into our kiss.

  
It felt like fireworks and dandelion fluff floating on a strong wind all at once explosive but gentle. Soft and sweet but fierce and urgent all at once. It felt like love, real love. The kind of love people write poems and novels about. The kind of love people dedicate songs to and live their lives searching for. It was strong and pulsing and soft and tender. It was everything. Just as I felt like I was on the edge his tongue swirling around mine, his teeth teasing my bottom lip lightly he pulled away both of us panting.

  
“What was that?” I asked.

  
Pat giggled and shrugged his shoulders, “A warm up? Preview? Whatever you want it to be.”

  
“It was fantastic,” I said, “I think we should get out. He said not to get started you realize?”

  
“Who said I was starting yet? That and I thought you might like to…you know,” he said soaping himself up quickly and rinsing off.

  
“You think they would let me?” I asked taking the shower poof and doing the same trying to get my blood to cool down as he climbed out of the shower bending over to grab us towels from the cabinet the view sending the blood rushing south below my waist again.

  
“I don’t know, I hope so. I think it’d be good for you to dominate a little bit,” Pat said, “Sometimes I think you’re so used to submitting you forget you have some strength to you. I’d like to see it again like you had when you first got here from London. I mean you’ve always been kind of quiet but you used to be less shy and more just observant.”

  
“Yeah well it’s not easy to not be shy when every man that looks at you gives you that type of look…” I answered.

  
“I know but, I think it’d be a good reminder just to have you do some of that stuff you know. And you’re really really awesome with your oral abilities,” he said blushing.

  
I cracked up. He just told me I apparently gave good head which I had heard before but from him it sounded like a compliment that was meant to actually feel good, feel safe. Unlike when I had heard it before. That time it was more like a taunt, a threat, that it was something to be used against me.

  
“Don’t tell them that,” I said.

  
“Never,” Pat swore, “So we’re clean. What should we do?”

  
“I don’t know, I’m actually still reading Harry Potter even without the kids,” I said sitting down on the bed, feeling comfortable in my naked skin for once.

  
“Really? Is it really that good? I mean I’ve heard that like everyone is reading it but I still haven’t picked it up. I’m more of a lord of the rings nerd myself.” Pat told me.

  
“You Lord of the rings really?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Pat told me, “The battles, the Orcs. God the Orcs remind me of my Dad a little bit, fat and big and ugly.”

  
“Maybe he was an orc in a past life,” I said.

  
“I wouldn’t be surprised. Sometimes I’m amazed the man speaks let alone that he made detective. I mean half the time the only words I have heard from him are “fuck yeah” so not really great verbal skills there,” Pat said.

  
“What about the Hobbit? Have you read that?” I asked.

  
“Yeah for sure,” Pat answered, “Gollum reminds me of Will, the riddle part. He’s not into riddles that often in person but you talk to him online that boy all he does is speak in them. He asked me a weird one the other day. I think it was you can see me in water but I never get wet what am I? I thought it was a good one so I asked Cole and he couldn’t figure it out. I nearly died when he called Tosh and Tosh got it right away. And then Cole smacked me with his sock but yeah.”

  
“Wouldn’t that be a reflection?” I asked.

  
“YES! How did you come up with that?” He asked me.

  
“Common sense. I mean if you really think about it. A still body of water is like a mirror a little bit. You can see me in water but I never get wet. A reflection is just that it’s an image of something and not really the thing itself so therefore it can’t get wet because it’s not actually in the water but something seen on the water’s surface,” I answered.

  
“And Cole could not come up with that,” Pat said, “I love Cole but sometimes he’s not that bright.”

  
“Well not to put myself down but I’m about average whereas Will is just like whoa you know? He’s super smart. He knows a lot more about just about everything,” I said.

  
“Not true. You’re smart you just don’t realize it, you’re smarter than a lot of people,” Pat told me.

  
“How do you think so?” I asked.

  
“well,” Pat said, “You have helped potty train how many kids? You do everything you can to keep them safe. I’ve seen you handle a temper tantrum like a seasoned professional. You were managing to pull B’s in the classes you didn’t keep missing before you left for Montana. You have amazing will power too on top of that.”

  
“Potty training isn’t something smart. That’s common sense,” I said.

  
“You’d be surprised,” Pat told me, “The thing with the castle building all three of us together. That was impressive and the fact that you can. I don’t know how to explain it but I see something in you. You’re smart.”

  
“Well, I feel pretty damn stupid,” I answered, “letting you come with me when he came upstairs. If I had gotten you to stay in the room then we wouldn’t be down here together.”

  
“Like you could have stopped me? You’re my Rabbit, like I’d ever leave you to deal alone if I didn’t have to,” Pat scoffed.

  
“Can I ask you something? Something we’ve never really talked about?” I said quietly.

  
“Anything, yeah,” Pat said, “What’s up?”

  
“You went to the hospital before. I know you did but you’ve never talked about how you ended up there or why. Or how old you were. If Neal was there. You know, that type of stuff,” I answered, “Can you tell me about it?”

  
“Huh, yeah Rabbit I’ll tell you about it if you want me to. I was 11. I took a bunch of pain pills and tried to hang myself. It was Dad he had me so fucked up. Charlie had died not too long before that and mom had left. Dad had me convinced mom left because she hated me. I still half believe it so I just kind of gave up. Between my mom hating me and him and the way he was because I was right there at the brink. Where I was almost old enough he wasn’t interested but I was still just young enough to make him happy so…it was hard. And I told Karen what he was doing to me.” Pat sighed and I reached out my hand which he grabbed and squeezed gently before continuing, “She told me I was lying. That Dad would never do that to me. That I was disgusting for even making something like that up. So, I felt alone. I was scared and I hated myself because I hadn’t been able to protect Charlie so I decided to end it.”

  
“I’m glad it didn’t work,” I said quietly.

  
“Me too,” Pat said smiling sadly.

  
“And I just couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t face being Leo’s who in the end I begged to get out of that place,” I said shivering as I thought about it.

  
“I know they are different with you. I remember being little. The way my Dad used to be before I got older. He wasn’t always mean about it. Sometimes he’d take his time. That was always scarier so I can understand why you didn’t want to be with Leo especially after the stuff Vic told us he does. After the stuff you refuse to really talk about. It’s not your fault you had to make that choice,” Pat said as there was a knock on the door that startled us both.

  
It was my Da but he wasn’t alone. Leo and Arthur and Hank were all with him as well as Tony some of them carrying what looked like suit cases. I felt suddenly very exposed very naked.

  
“Hi boys,” Hank said as Arthur smiled at us and Pat pulled the blanket out from under him putting it in my lap so my private areas were covered.

  
“So,” My Da started to speak, “We’re going to make a little movie and depending on how it goes we’ll see what happens after.”

  
We sighed as Arthur started helping Tony take out cameras and set them up around the bed pointed at us. Just seeing them made me nervous. Made me worry about what exactly it was they were planning on doing. Whether they were just videotaping Pat and I together or whether they were going to do other things.

  
“Hi baby,” Leo said looking at me closely his eyes giving me that look making me shift nervously, “Don’t be upset it’s ok. Your Dad asked me if it was ok for you two to make a movie. I said yes and maybe we’ll have some time together afterwards? Can I warm you up a little bit?”

  
He climbed on the bed next to me and I noticed Pat’s eyes get angry as he hugged me kissing my cheek and then my neck. I wanted to push Leo away I didn’t want him to do this but, I knew I wasn’t allowed to that he would make me pay for it later. His hand sliding down the center of my chest down to my stomach and into my lap.

  
“Please Leo,” I begged.

  
“Just relax. Just to get you up and running ok?” Leo said his hand going where Pat’s had been earlier, “That’s it, that’s my good boy.”

  
“Stop,” I mumbled grabbing his wrist trying to stop him from stroking me.

  
“Nahahah, don’t pull away. Don’t fight,” he said as I started to fidget, to tremble.

  
“I thought him and I were making the movie?” Pat questioned looking at Leo causing him to stop mid stroke.

  
“You are. That doesn’t mean I can’t help him get ready,” Leo said.

  
“He doesn’t want you to,” Pat said trying to keep his voice down so he didn’t draw the attention of everyone else in the room.

  
He started rubbing again making me close my eyes tightly. I knew he was doing it just to piss Pat off and make me upset because I very obviously didn’t want it to happen. I knew I was panting heavily my body responding as his bit into the back of my neck and whispered things in my ear but I felt like it was too hard to focus on what he was saying. That cold fire spreading through my body as he rubbed me to hardness only stopping when he heard someone laughing.

  
“He looks like he’s trying to hold back a moan,” Arthur commented through his laughing.

  
“Probably,” Leo said, “He makes the best sounds but he’s reluctant to share sometimes. Aren’t you beautiful?” he muttered kissing my cheek before he got up walking away.

  
“You ok?” Pat whispered to me as I opened my eyes realizing my mouth was hanging open and my whole body was shaking.

  
“I’m not sure I want to do this anymore,” I whispered back.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head and pulling my face into his lap holding me close rubbing my shoulders, “It’s ok we don’t have to all right. I’ll tell them no.”

  
“You can’t,” I warned him, “You can’t. They’ll get mad, it’ll be worse.”

  
“I’m not going to if you’re not ok with it. Not ever,” Pat warned me.

  
“Let’s just do it ok? Let’s just get it done with,” I whispered back before turning over so I was laying on my back and pulling Pat’s face down so his lips could meet mine kissing him, rolling my tongue across his.

  
“I think we should hit record what do you think guys?” I heard one of them mumble. The rest must have nodded in agreement because then I heard someone barely whisper “and action”

  
Pat smiled at me and muttered into my ear as he nibbled it lightly his body bent in half so I was still laying in his lap his upper body hovering over me, “You sure this is ok?”

  
I nodded my head and smiled sighing as he shifted my weight so that I was no longer in his lap but he was above me, kissing my nipples making me laugh as I pet his thighs gently before I realized where his head was starting to go causing me to freeze. I wouldn’t do that. He knew I wouldn’t do that. What on earth was he doing? That was the only thing that rushed through my head before he brought his face back up towards mine rubbing his nose against my nose my eyes fluttering open to look at him.  
“Hey it’s ok. I’m just going to make it look like I’m doing that. I’m not going to though all right? You might feel my lips on your thigh but I won’t put my mouth there I swear, I promise,” he whispered so quietly I don’t the anyone else in the room heard it and I nodded my head sighing deeply as he started kissing back down my chest leaning farther and farther over me the kisses tickling but still making me nervous.

  
“Aren’t you going to kiss him?” I heard snapping my head sideways slightly ignoring the glorious sight above my head to see Hank watching closely, “Oh so cute I think it’s beyond sexy when you bite your lip like that, playing shy.”

  
Pat’s hand Slid along the outside of my hips a kiss landing above my belly button. I didn’t like Hank being that close while we did this. While I was pinned under Pat letting him touch me the way he was. It felt good but Hanks eyes, the look in his face, the excitement he was showing reminded me of the Villa. Of the way he had pet my hair as Gus had gone down on me. The way his eyes lit up when my mouth had opened as I tried to hold back my moan.

  
“Hank I think you’re making him nervous,” Leo said, “Back up. I didn’t say you could play with him. I gave you permission to be here.”

  
“All right,” Hank sighed heavily moving away giving us some space.

  
“John it’s all right,” Pat muttered against my outer thigh his lips tickling them as I sighed slowly trying to relax as I looked up at Pat’s Cock and balls dangling above me.

  
I reached up and started massaging him as he continued to stroke my outer thighs feeling his body tense for a second as I made contact before he started to relax hugging my left leg starting to pant heavily as I propped myself up started to rub him slowly at first and then faster tugging him into erection before I put my mouth around him. His shaft tasted of salt but didn’t smell bad. He actually smelt a little of strawberries which I think was the body wash we had used in the shower but either way it wasn’t unpleasant even if it wasn’t my favorite smell of him. The sweet saltiness of chocolate covered pretzels. He gasped lightly licking my inner thigh and biting into it lightly as I started to deep throat him.

  
The bite didn’t hurt and I was pretty sure he was just doing it so he didn’t moan out loud letting them know he wasn’t giving me the same treatment because that was something I was very not ok with. The whole thing made me feel nervous not because I hadn’t given Pat head before, because I had and I really enjoyed it. But because they were all watching and I could feel their eyes on my skin, almost hear them thinking, wishing it was them instead of him. I felt his tongue glide down my inner thigh near my knee and it stopped me causing me to freeze out of both nervousness and excitement.

  
Pat let out a breathy Pant, “Don’t stop.”

  
I suppressed a laugh forgetting for almost a second that they were watching running my tongue along the underside causing him to moan loudly rocking his hips backwards as I reached around stroking the back of his thighs and ass gently as I felt his back arch his body tense above me as he got closer to climax.

  
“Fuck,” I heard him moan.as he grabbed me starting to pump me back to full hardness.

  
“Ok boys do something else now please,” Tony directed causing me to pull my mouth away as Pat turned around so we were face to face him stroking my hair looking at me closely as we both panted. He started grinding down on me gently our penis’ rubbing together. A moan escaping my lips as Pat started kissing my neck, his hands counting my ribs softly. Running up and down them over and over as if he were playing an instrument or searching a piano for the right key to start playing a song.

  
“You ok?” He asked me as my moan escaped to which I nodded my head as someone laid condoms and lube on the bed beside us, “You want to be on top?” He asked me nipping at my bottom lip playfully to which I nodded my head getting ready to switch spots.

  
“No. Let’s start with John on bottom first guys,” Tony said making us freeze.

  
“What?” I asked Pat freezing.

  
“Relax. The audience just wants to see how Pat moves is all. Because last time you were on top remember? It’s not a big deal.” Tony explained.

  
Pat sighed and looked down at me reading my expression carefully. If I wasn’t ok with it he wasn’t going to do it. I knew he wouldn’t. That he would outright refuse to dominate me if I seemed too conflicted about it.

  
“It’s better than one of them,” I reminded him quietly as he looked at me.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Let us go at our own pace though please.”

  
“Sure, kid whatever,” Tony said as we laid down side by side facing each other him running his thumb gently over my bottom lip.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head a look of determination on his face as he leaned in and kissed my neck sucking and nipping gently at the skin there before he whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

  
I closed my eyes running my hands along his back trying to relax. I knew it was him or one of them and I wasn’t going to let them against my skin if I had a choice. His hands sliding down my sides gripping my hips as he pressed against me making sure the friction of our hardness kept us both at attention as I buried my head into his neck before he flipped me over so he was straddling my hips kissing down my chest slowly.

  
He parted my legs gently with his hands massaging the outside of my thighs as I nodded my head. I closed my eyes leaning back as his fingers pressed lightly against my entrance circling my puckered hole making me gasp as it tickled before I felt a wet heavily coated finger slide inside of me. My eyes snapping open to look at him.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me quietly.

  
“No talking unless it’s in the throes of passion,” Tony muttered from behind the camera.

  
I nodded my head in response taking a deep breath and fisting the sheets as he slid another finger slightly wheezing as the feeling over took me. I took a deep exhale allowing my head to fall back onto the pillows closing my eyes again trying to relax into the feeling of his fingers inside of me as he started to scissor me open slightly getting me ready to be penetrated his fingers moving around slowly making circling motions inside of me looking for that spot. For an angle that would feel comfortable for me before he forced his way into me. When my eyes opened and my hand went to stroke his hair gently he seemed satisfied he had found the place he was looking for and removed his fingers putting on a condom and lining his body up with mine.

  
“I’m going to go nice and slow ok?” Pat asked me quietly and I place my forehead against his nodding as he slid slowly inch by inch into me. Once our bodies were connected he waited for me to nod my head letting him know I was ready for him to move before he started to thrust. The feeling of him pulling out overwhelming almost making my eyes roll as I tried to stay calm.

  
Being anxious didn’t help me relax and that made things a little harder. Especially knowing everyone was watching but him waiting for my say so gave me enough time to prepare for him. To be ready for him to start moving that I relaxed enough it didn’t hurt. I felt each ring of muscle pull him back inside of me as his head tickled that spot.

  
“Oh,” I said before I could stop myself the tingle spreading hot and concentrated through my body.

  
“You ok?” He asked me again to which I nodded again gently massaging the back of his neck as he pulled back out slowly my back arching slightly to pull my torso towards his retraction.

  
“Shit,” I whispered as he pushed back into me a little deeper on the next thrusts his eyes going wide as he bit his own lip to muffle his moan.

  
We found a pace, our bodies reading each other. Any moan that he made being met with one of my own as we panted. He hit that spot tenderly sending me mewling and close to the edge within 10 minutes. My legs wrapping around his waist trying to pull him closer, trying to connect myself to him as thoroughly as possible as he moved inside me. He rolled his hips as he got closer to the edge. When I didn’t think I could take it anymore he reached in-between my legs under him grabbing me pumping, pulling me to release. My body tensing around his leaving my eyes rolling and me panting, breathless as I reached completeness him following me soon after. His head collapsing on my chest once he was done.

  
For a couple minutes, there was nothing in the room but silence. It was almost possible to ignore that fact we had four men staring at us as well as three cameras. In throes of passion forgetting they were there completely.

  
“That was good. I came in my pants a little,” Tony said suddenly causing Pat to look at him shifting his weight so he was no longer inside of me.

  
“Yeah that was really really good,” Leo said coming towards the bed making Pat go on alert as if he could protect me from them.

  
“Now, now don’t be that way. He’s not yours. You just got to barrow him,” Leo said putting one knee on the bed and holding his hand out to me, “You’re mine aren’t you baby? Come on, come here baby.”

  
I didn’t want to go to him. I knew he was probably going to hurt me, the look in his eyes said it all. I was still trying to catch my breath, my heart still pounding from what Pat and I had just done. I also wasn’t ready to let go of that warmness Pat always made flood through me. The warm so intense it was almost a burning heat but still felt good, comforting whereas nothing about Leo made me feel that way.

  
“John, you’re contracted to him,” My Da reminded me from where he was standing as Arthur and Tony started putting the equipment away.

  
“I’m just going to get you cleaned up that’s all,” Leo said, “I won’t hurt you. I’ll never hurt you.”

  
Pat moved clenching his fist and closing his eyes tightly. He wanted to call Leo on his lies but knew that in order to punish him they would probably punish me and that was something he didn’t want. That was a lesson neither one of us would ever forget and it kept Pat’s temper in check no matter how hard it was for him to do.

  
Hank barked at Pat to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up and dressed because they were going to head home as Arthur packed the last of the camera stuff away in its case and opened the door taking it out into the hallway as Tony grabbed the other one shaking my Da’s hand as he did so. My Da shutting the door behind them.

  
I didn’t like the look Leo was giving me as he sat on the bed beside me still not touching me but not taking his eyes off of me. My heart felt like it was fighting to beat. My fear so great that it felt like it was going to stop. I would have closed my eyes and prayed to god they weren’t going to do what I thought they were if I hadn’t been scared to take my eyes off of him.

  
“So, you said you like the pleading?” My Da asked Leo.

  
“Yeah,” he said smiling for just a brief second, “I don’t know. It just gets my blood going for some reason.”

  
“Does he actually comply?” My Da asked him.

  
“Oh yes, he’s a good boy aren’t you Johnny?” Leo said his eyes never leaving me as I stared back at him.

  
We heard the bathroom door open and Pat stepped out wearing his school uniform my glance pulling away from Leo to see Pat’s pained expression. He knew there was nothing he could do to save me from whatever they were planning. His eyes told me he was sorry, that he was beyond sorry and I knew he was. It didn’t take Einstein to understand that. That they had taken something that could have mattered, could have been good and they were going to ruin it.

  
Da opened the door standing aside so Pat could leave and when Pat was out in the hall Da slammed the door in his face as he turned around locking it before he started stripping himself out of his clothes which Leo had already done before the cameras started rolling.

  
Leo didn’t waste any time pinning me my arms above my head straddling me his mouth finding my neck and biting it roughly, excitedly.

  
“Stop,” I begged bucking slightly which caused Leo to grab my chin hard yanking it so I was looking directly at him.

  
“No fighting remember? You fight you get punished,” he hissed at me squeezing my jaw in his grip as I struggled to nod my head against the pressure.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said as he let go of my chin his kisses starting to trail down my chest towards my cum covered lower body, “No please, please stop. Please.”

  
My mind was racing his kisses finding their way to my belly button licking up the little dribbles and droplets that lay above it him moaning in pleasure as he did so. I hated my body that it had given him that even though that act hadn’t been for him. He had taken it and ruined it using it for something he wanted.

  
“Please, no, please Leo, please don’t,” I whined as tears started to overflow in my tears ducts. I wanted to fight back. To push him off and I knew I couldn’t. That I wouldn’t be allowed to. That they would find some way to hurt me really badly if I did when my body was just so tired with the mere thought of that type of punishment, “Da please don’t let him.” I begged suddenly before I could stop myself.

  
“Now, now he’s just cleaning you up. He’s just going to make you feel good baby,” Da said coming over to the bed and sitting on my other side stroking my hair gently making my nerves misfire making me feel sick.

  
“Daddy please don’t let him. Please god, please,” I begged reaching out a hand for my Da which he grabbed and squeezed.

  
“It’s ok we love you,” Da told me as my eyes tried to pop out of my head Leo’s mouth going around me making me go silent, “There you go. That’s our good boy.”

  
I started panting again not able to catch my breath. My whole body being zapped by that ice-cold electricity running up and down my spine. Through my veins making my body feel heavy and trapped. Making me feel trapped inside of it with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

  
I tried to go away. To build a castle to shield myself as my body betrayed me. As they did things to me I didn’t want them to. Each zap kept bring me back, pulling me back to the surface I was so desperately trying to drive myself farther away from. First it was Leo and then my Da. Taking turns driving themselves deep inside of me whispering those praises, that they made sound like taunts in my ears. Telling me how good I was, how sweet I tasted, and felt. Telling me those things that made me want to die, to be nothing.

  
When they were done they had both gotten what they wanted from me. After watching each other do it, egging each other on and encouraging my frozen silence, my reluctant participation. I couldn’t speak or move. Unable to catch my breath I managed to roll onto my side and pull my knees into my chest as the silent tears kept falling down my face. I wanted to disappear. They had taken that from me. That moment. That moment where sex could have felt nice and safe and good and they had turned it against me made it dirty and disgusting and bad again. Made me face the fact that I was a whore and that’s all I would ever be.

  
I think they both used the shower before they got dressed but I don’t remember. I don’t really remember anything besides waking up at some point later. The house quiet the lights off and room empty with the door slightly ajar the sun barely up from what I could tell through the tiny bit of light making it down the basement stairway.

  
I went into the bathroom grabbing my clothes after pulling my pants over my hips knowing that Da would probably be angry if I showered them away, what they had done off of my skin. I felt sick to my stomach, tired. I felt used but knew it was time to go upstairs that dinner was probably already done and waiting for me if I could bring myself to actually eat it.

  
Just as I made my way upstairs I heard the front door open and there stood Vic. His eyes went wide for less than a second as he took me in, my tussled hair, my uncovered chest holding the rest of my uniform along with my socks and underwear in my arms.

  
“You ok?” He asked me.

  
“Why are you here?” I asked.

  
“To weigh you. Did you forget? I’m keeping a close on your weight,” he reminded me.

  
“Oh,” I said starting to walk up the stairs as he shut the front door behind him.

  
“Did something happen?” He asked me.

  
“Tony came over, Pat and Cole came home with me. My Da took Pat and I downstairs and then…” I trailed off.

  
“No, oh geeze,” Vic sighed pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a deep breath. He was visibly upset by this news, “How are you doing?”

  
“Numb,” I answered, “I think I might have been ok if Da and Leo hadn’t…if they hadn’t of done that after. I think I would have been ok.” I barely managed to get the last sentence out starting to cry again.

  
“Ok, well let’s get you upstairs and I’ll weigh you. Then you can shower and settle in all right? Have you eaten since you got home?” He asked me quietly careful to keep his distance even as he walked closer to me.

  
“My skin is crawling. I’m not anywhere near hungry,” I answered hugging my pile of dirty clothes to my chest.

  
“Well you have to eat,” he said starting up the stairs behind me, “So we’ll take your weight and I’ll hang around for a bit, make sure you eat some food all right?”

  
I sighed and nodded my head knowing that he wouldn’t agree to anything less. That he wanted me to eat, knew I needed to eat and that I wouldn’t do it if he left me on my own. He was my doctors after all and still a friend even if I no longer trusted him, it was something he was slowly starting to earn back in my opinion.

  
We stepped into the elevator and rode the lift up in silence. The house was quiet already the babies already in bed making me realize it was later than I thought it was. I sighed glad that there was no one to try and knock me over when they threw themselves around my legs out of love and excitement at seeing me. We walked into my room and I threw my dirty uniform in the hamper and looked at Vic cautiously afraid of what he wanted me to do next. If he wanted to weigh me naked or not, not wanting to be that exposed to him or anyone anytime soon.

  
He must have read my mind because he looked at me and sighed, “Yeah you can keep your pants on until you hop in the shower all right?”

  
“Thank you,” I answered.

  
“John don’t thank me for that please. You know I’m not like them,” he said quietly.

  
“Sometimes I have a hard time believing you aren’t, considering,” I answered honestly as he went into my bathroom and put the scale down on the floor.

  
“You want to talk about that right now?” He asked me softly his eyes filled with hurt as my words reminded him I didn’t trust him anymore. That he had broken that trust and it was going to be a long and slow process to repair it.

  
I shook my head and stepped on the scale backwards like I had the day before. He sighed after looking at the number and gesturing for me to step off. He put the scale away.

  
“It’s not horrible,” he answered, “But you have to eat something so I’m going to go see if dinner is going to be enough and you’re going to eat it. You can take a shower while I’m out there if you like.”

  
“Da won’t be happy with that,” I said quietly feeling my face start to burn red.

  
“Don’t worry about him. I’ll worry about him. You worry about making yourself feel better ok?” He said to which I nodded my head as he left the room shutting the bathroom door behind him.

  
I turned on the water immediately making it hot, allowing stream to fill the room and condensation to cover the mirror before I turned on the fan to allow the air to circulate. I wanted the air to be hot, everything to be hot hoping it would burn away what they had done to me, what they had used to cover up Pat’s touches, and kisses. I sighed as I undid my pants stepping out of them hissing as the water hit my hips, hitting fresh scratches that I didn’t realize were there before I stepped in.

  
I gave myself time to let the water wash over me, time to scrub my skin clean, scrub their seed and saliva out of my crevices and off of my skin. When I was done I dried myself off and then found clothes all moment before Vic came back in carrying what looked like chicken Parmesan and glass of milk setting them gently down on the night stand next to the bed.

  
“How are you feeling?” He asked me.

  
“Tired,” I answered, “I always feel tired.”

  
“I can understand that,” Vic said pointing to the plate so I would take it, “My friend was like you. They wouldn’t leave him alone. He was 21 when… however I feel like they’ll slow down with you. The fact your Da is getting attached to Will is a good thing. For you anyway, in that respect.”

  
“I don’t want him to get attached to any of them. Yeah it means he’s paying less attention to me but that means he’s doing it to someone else. And they don’t deserve it,” I mumbled taking a bite of food. I was still so anxious my body still feeling them the food tasted like cardboard in my mouth but I still ate. Taking small bites but making sure I kept a steady pace.

  
“You don’t either John. You might think you do but you don’t. I know they say things to you. That they blame you for what they do but, you haven’t done anything,” Vic told me.

  
“Yes, I have,” I hissed putting my fork and knife down.

  
“No, you haven’t,” Vic insisted.

  
“Yes, I have. You don’t get it. They say it’s because I’m beautiful. Because I flirt. That it’s because of the way I move, the way I look, just being alive. They’ve always told me that even when I was little he used to tell me that. That if I wasn’t so sweet, so me that he wouldn’t do it,” I answered.

  
“Starving yourself won’t make them stop. Changing yourself won’t make them stop. Nothing is going to make them stop outside of us getting those journals you guys keep to someone who isn’t in the brotherhood which is something that as long as you are living here won’t happen,” Vic said and there was a slight knock on my door making Vic jump and look more shaken then it did me.

  
“Hi Bab…Vic I forgot you were coming,” Da said opening the door, “How are you doing?”

  
“I’m well, thank you for asking,” Vic said, “I said I would check his weight and health every day. I meant it.”

  
“How is he looking?” My Da asked.

  
“It’ll be slow progress for a while but he’s making an effort. He shouldn’t drink soda it should be milk, water, fruit juice those type of things. I don’t want empty calories I want nutritious calories for right now. After school, he needs to drink a protein or meal substitute I think just to help with that boost in gaining. Otherwise he seems to be doing good,” Vic answered my Da.

  
“Good to hear. John why have you showered?” He asked me noticing my hair was wet.

  
“I told him to,” Vic said, “So I could spend some time with him.”

  
“Oh,” My Da nodded his head in understanding, “I can understand that. Rather have him fresh and new then second rate.”

  
“Clean is nice especially because you know my …desires. I do believe I showed you,” Vic said not giving any indication of his emotions.

  
“Of course,” My Da answered, “Have fun. I’ll see you later John ok?”

  
I nodded my head looking at my plate. So, he didn’t care that I was going to be with Vic, he still wanted me. He still wanted to have sex with me regardless. Even though he had done it earlier and Leo too. He shut the door behind him leaving Vic and I alone once more.

  
“I’m not really going to. Just so you know,” Vic told me.

  
“Thank you,” I said numbly, “You know what he just said right?”

  
“I’m going to give you something that you’re going to take. It’ll make you tired so you’ll sleep well. You might not even remember what happens after it kicks in. I’ll do my best to make sure you’re ok. All right?” Vic asked me.

  
“They said I was theirs,” I said after a minute of silence, “They told Pat that they were just letting him barrow me. That I was theirs and then they…”

  
I trailed off. Knowing he would understand. That I didn’t have to say it. That I didn’t have to tell him what they did again.

  
“The only person you belong to is you,” he responded, “Don’t ever allow them to have you thinking otherwise. Do you want to talk about what happened? With Pat was he, did he treat you badly?” Vic asked wording it carefully.

  
“No, he was nice. I almost forgot they were there watching when we…he was careful. It felt different, even a little nice. Instead of feeling cold it felt warm. Like all the bad stuff was melting away. He tricked them,” I answered.

  
“Tricked them how?” Vic asked frowning, “When they have cameras right there it’s kind of hard to trick them.”

  
“There are things I don’t, I won’t…” Vic cut me off.

  
“So, you and Pat are still fooling around even though you shouldn’t be?” Vic asked me.

  
“Not right now no, not like we were,” I answered.

  
“So, there are things you won’t do and he knows that so he didn’t do them?” He asked me.

  
“Right,” I said nodding my head, “He made it look like he was but he didn’t. It made it easier.”

  
“Ah,” Vic nodded his head understanding, “That was brave of him. If they would have figured it out you both would have gotten into a lot of trouble.”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “But he knew I wouldn’t, that I couldn’t. That I was nervous enough just doing the other stuff they wanted us to do. At least until I forgot they were there. It was only for a couple of minutes but it felt nice.”

  
“If they see you respond that way to him but they know you don’t do that with them they might have taken that as an insult,” Vic said, “Could be why they did those things after that and for some people sounds make things more arousing.”

  
“I didn’t mean to it just happened,” I said feeling my cheeks start to flush, “If I had known it would make them, do that I wouldn’t have done it.”

  
“I know,” Vic said nodding his head, “I know. Just be careful with Patrick alright?”

  
“We don’t really. Do that alone. We’ve talked about but we don’t. Usually it’s just kissing but that’s pretty new again. Because we’re both contracted we’ve been trying to keep that type of stuff limited because it’s dangerous,” I answered.

  
“As long as you two realize that,” he said, “Eat.”

  
I sighed and finished my plate. Managing to get it all down before he handed me two pills to swallow with my last glass of milk. He then stuck around for a while. I don’t remember him leaving but I woke up the next morning alone my clothes still on. I sighed in relief knowing he hadn’t come to me again. That he had left me alone.

 


	35. 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After dreading the start of another week and another weekend John gets into an altercation with Ben that puts him on bed rest. Best rest comes to an end just as thanksgiving is about to happen and break is about to start. The kids are finally reunited with mum to find that she's not the same as she used to be and that maybe her pysche might be in a fragile state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 700 to 728. 410 pages to go before the end of part 2. Exciting huh? Probably not, probably not really exciting until I get into the double digits right? Well, anyway, thanks for hanging out with me through this. Things are about to get interesting and then get really dark here, just a warning. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of rape/non-con, sexual abuse, underage kissing, minor character death off screen, Physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, brain washing, mental health issues, eating disorders**

I got up and got ready for school. It was Wednesday which meant mass in the morning and then I’d have to deal with both Finick and McClairen which was not something I was looking forward to. Finick and the way he always turned off the lights and made us watch movies. how he would press against me with the light off. How it made me feel sick to my stomach. McClairen and the way he would look at me, watching me while he thought the other students were not paying attention both were beyond horrible in different ways.

  
When I stepped outside Hunter was already there waiting Cole sitting in the front as Pat scooted over so I could climb into the back. I didn’t even try to hide the fact I was relieved to see him and still upset about what happened climbing in and laying over the seat throwing my arms around his waist laying my head in his lap as he rubbed my hair gently bending over me as I closed my eyes breathing in his scent deeply. Loving the way his hands felt in my hair the way his voice sounded in my ears as he whispered comfort into my ears.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“I am now,” I answered in a hushed tone, “It wasn’t so bad. Just, I don’t know. I was tired.”

  
“They didn’t beat you up or anything like that?” He whispered looking down at me as I shifted my weight so I was laying on my back staring up at him.

  
“No, probably because you didn’t fight or tell them not to. Because you were good,” I answered.

  
“What about you?” He asked me.

  
I didn’t answer not able to look him in the eyes. Not wanting to talk about it. How I begged. How I had pleaded with every fiber of my being to my Da to have Leo stop. To have him not rape me, not climb on top of me and whisper those horrible things in my ears. Tell me how good I felt, how much he loved being inside of me.

  
He sighed in response to my silence, “But you didn’t fight them, right? That’s why they didn’t hurt you?”

  
I nodded my head, “I wish they hadn’t of done it. It was almost ok you know?”

  
I didn’t dare look him in the eyes afraid of what I would see there. Afraid he didn’t feel the same way I did. That it hadn’t felt good to him or he would deny it did if it had.

  
“Yeah, I know,” he answered leaning over me his upper half covering mine, “I enjoyed it would have been better if they hadn’t been there though. I love you and our first time will be special without them, our real first time. I promise. And you can say or do or not do and not say whatever you want Rabbit and I’ll do everything I can to make sure you feel safe and wanted and respected ok?”

  
“I know you will. I love you too,” I said quietly.

  
I thought I had said it quietly enough that neither one of them could hear but then I heard quiet laughter from the front seat causing both Pat and I to look up. I could see Hunter watching us in the rear-view mirror at the traffic light we were stopped at. I felt my face heating up realizing he had either read the words or heard me say them.

  
“Sorry,” Hunter murmured the amusement still present on his face, “There’s nothing wrong with it just…you know. Be careful. The car isn’t exactly a private place here guys.”

  
“Wait what?” Cole asked sleepily stretching as Hunters words woke him up.

  
“Nothing,” Hunter said still not able to wipe the smirk off of his face as we sighed Pat helping me sit up.

  
“It’s not anything you’re not already aware of Cole I swear,” Pat said as Cole turned around.

  
“Oh that, yeah he’s told me all about it. No need to be embarrassed,” Cole replied making my face go red again.

  
“Not that,” Pat whispered, “I didn’t tell him that. Just that I care about you.”

  
“Oh,” I sighed in relief.

  
I would really prefer Cole didn’t know we had sort of had sex last night even if I had been forced and it was not a choice we had gotten to make. It wasn’t like real sex but as close as I had ever felt to it. My moans not half made of protest me not trying to push him away. He had been gentle respecting me and my boundaries his mouth staying as far away from areas I didn’t want it as he could without us getting caught not doing what we were told. The moans mostly coming from undeniable pleasure. Pleasure given to me by someone I cared about. That I was willing to experience that with.

  
“Wait did you think I told him…?” Pat went silent.

  
“Told me what?” Cole said his curiosity getting pricked, “Are you holding out on me guys? Come on I’d give you details.”

  
“I don’t kiss and tell,” Pat said, “You know that.”

  
“Huh,” Hunter said and then cleared his throat, “As much as I adore all of you I don’t need to hear about your exploits thanks. I’m really actually trying to move forward with my life as much as possible and being reminded that I live in a world where we’re so isolated from girls at your age that having trysts like that is a normal thing. I’d rather forget now that I’m in college and have all of these sexy girls flirting with me all the time.”

  
“Forget girls,” Cole muttered.

  
“Yeah I know that’s how you feel about it but do you think that’s how these two will feel?” Hunter asked as we pulled up to the school.

  
“About girls? Yeah, if he’s here,” Pat answered his tone serious his expression matching.

  
“Woah,” Hunter said, “Didn’t think you were the type Patrick.”

  
“What does it matter it’s not like I’m interested in anyone else,” Pat sighed looking at me grabbing my hand, “What do you think?”

  
“I don’t see myself with anyone else,” I answered honestly.

  
“I never did until Tosh,” Cole added suddenly, “When I was with Justin that’s all there was, was him. There wasn’t ever anyone else, no boys no girls, no one. Even with Tosh it’s not the same as it was with him.”

  
“I miss him too Cole,” Hunter said squeezing Cole’s shoulder in support, “Where ever he is though I know he’s happy you’re happy again.”

  
“Thanks,” Cole replied smiling sadly, “See you after school?”

  
“Yep I’ll be here.” Hunter replied as we opened our doors stepping out and heading towards the chapel.

  
“I wish we didn’t have to go,” I sighed.

  
“Go where chapel?” Pat asked.

  
“School,” I answered, “I don’t want to deal with them today. Not after…I want to be able to feel you again.”

  
“In a while ok?” He said looking at me but not grabbing my hand or touching me both of us very aware there were too many eyes that could see it. Too many people that would know if we weren’t careful enough.

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

  
The school day went by fast but slow all at once. Each class feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Like my brain couldn’t think or understand the words that were spoken around me. I was tired and worried. Worried that Leo and my Da would repeat yesterday once they saw Pat and I together again. I didn’t want to go through that. Have something like that happen where I felt warm and happy almost relieved to have it taken away again.

  
When Hunter came by after school to pick us up he looked stressed like something was wrong but smiled at us a strained expression on his face when he got there. I didn’t know what was wrong but I remember worrying about it. Wondering if it was something that was just affecting Hunter or if it was something all of us would have to deal with.

  
“Hunter is something wrong?” Cole asked as he climbed into the front seat.

  
“Huh,” Hunter said glancing at all of us, “I’m not even sure if I should tell you guys.” He said and I could see he was trying not to cry.

  
“What happened?” Cole asked again.

  
“You guys know Christian went off to Yale, right?” He asked us.

  
“Yeah, of course he bragged about it like all summer,” Pat said, “What does that have to do with anything. Did something happen to Christian?”

  
“There was an accident. He’s gone,” Hunter suddenly spit out.

  
Just like that. Everything had been somewhat ok. I had been wrapped up in my own world my own pain and just like that Christian was dead. I didn’t know what to think it just felt so numb knowing he had been there and that he was now gone. Then it struck me;

  
“What kind of accident?” I asked.  
“Car,” he answered, “Apparently there was drinking involved which doesn’t surprise me but, he’s gone. I don’t know if there’s going to be a funeral knowing his Dad.”

  
“I’m sorry to hear,” Pat said quietly.

  
“Me too,” Cole said, “He was a good guy.”

  
“Yeah, he was,” Hunter sighed, “He was a really awesome friend. At least he doesn’t have to worry about marrying that bitch.”

  
“Who was he supposed to marry?” Cole asked.

  
“Tabitha Anderson,” Hunter answered.

  
“Shit, yeah he dodged a bullet there,” Cole agreed.

  
“Wait Anderson, Anderson?” I asked feeling cold just hearing the name.

  
“You know Anderson?” Hunter asked.

  
“Kind of. I think he’s the one who branded me,” I answered, “I’ve heard him compared to Hank only worse.”

  
“Yeah I wouldn’t surprise if he was the one who branded you he likes weird things. He’s violent.” Hunter answered.

  
“I know he branded me,” Cole said, “I was eight.”

  
“You know the part I hate most about remembering that? That fucking dice,” Hunter said, “My Dad rolled a fucking five.”

  
“That’s nothing my Dad rolled a nine,” Cole said.

  
“Guys could we not talk about that,” Pat said.

  
“Why what was your number?” Hunter asked.

  
“I don’t even remember. I was high, that’s not why I’m asking though,” Pat said.

  
“Why don’t you want to talk about it if you don’t really remember it?” Hunter questioned.

  
“Well I can’t feel my leg to start,” Pat sighed rubbing the top of my hand gently, “And he’s turning a little green so…”

  
“Oh, sorry,” I said moving my hand.

  
I hadn’t even realized I was squeezing his leg that hard. It had only been a three for me but I remembered what they had done. How Tony had shoved his dick in my mouth so that I couldn’t breathe while Hank had fucked me. Raped me. How it had hurt burning and tearing.

  
“You’re ok Rabbit, you’re safe right now,” Pat said slowly unhooking my fingers from the material of his pants taking my hand in his kissing the back of it and rubbing it soothingly, “You’re ok.”

  
“Sorry John,” Hunter said sheepishly, “It’s easy to forget sometimes. That it bothers people.”

  
“Unless you’re with Dom,” Cole said, “Dom doesn’t let anyone forget. He’ll tell you to fucking stop and then if you keep talking about it he’ll go quiet.”

  
“Yeah John isn’t like that. You know that Cole,” Pat said looking at me.

  
His eyes told me he was sorry. That he could have spoken up sooner or at least that’s what he was thinking. His eyes told me he thought he was responsible for me, for keeping me safe. For making sure I felt safe whenever he could provide that feeling for me and that he thought he hadn’t done his job. I nodded my head swallowing.

  
“It’s ok,” I answered, “I’m fine. Talk about whatever you want.”

  
“No, I think it’s good to change the topic,” Hunter said, “Did you guys see the new Bond movie yet? It’s really awesome.”

  
“Not yet,” Cole answered, “I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to probably not until it’s out of theaters considering its rated R.”

  
“What day did it come out?” I asked.

  
“The 8th,” Hunter answered.

  
“That was the day before Andy and Laura turned 3,” I said remembering how I had been so tired the week before that I had slept through their birthday and birthday celebrations.

  
I had read them a bedtime story later in the week and told them I was sorry but they hadn’t seemed upset either way. It wouldn’t be the last time I would miss a birthday because I was too sick or too tired but the first of many. My energy felt like it was draining again probably because of the sleeping pills Vic had me taking but thinking alone made me tired let alone doing anything else.

  
We pulled up outside of my house before I realized it Cole and Pat climbing out with me, “Maybe you guys shouldn’t come with me,” I warned before Cole could shut the car door.

  
“Of course, we’re coming with you,” Cole said, “Alice and you have both repeatedly said you need the help. That we’re helpful when it comes to watching them so we’re coming.”

  
“I don’t know guys I mean what if…,” Pat cut me off.

  
“I’ll deal with them alone. You’re not doing that again. Not with me here, hell I can’t do that again. Walk away like that you know hard that was? How disgusted I was with them? I wanted to smack the look right off of Leo’s face.”

  
“What happened?” Cole asked, “Was Leo even here yesterday?”

  
“Yeah,” pat answered for him, “They, it… you didn’t wonder where we were? Why he didn’t come back when I did before we left? Why Arthur and my Dad were taking us home?”

  
“I just figured his Da had taken him. I didn’t know he had taken you too. I didn’t know Leo was here. I just thought that Connor called them to come pick us up I didn’t realize they were here for anything else. What happened?” Cole asked frowning as we walked up the drive way after Cole shut the car door and waved good bye to Hunter.

  
“Stuff,” Pat answered.

  
“Can you tell me anything else?” Cole asked softly, worriedly.

  
“They made us have sex,” I answered both Cole and Pat looking at me mouths open in shock, “What? That’s what they did.”

  
“No, I know. I just, you don’t usually. You usually have a hard time talking about things,” Pat answered me.

  
“Everyone keeps telling me that not talking about it doesn’t help. So, I’m trying harder to be more open. Did I do something wrong?” I asked confused.

  
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong Rabbit,” Pat assured me.

  
“Just surprising is all,” Cole added nodding his head, “What did Leo do that made you so mad man?”

  
“It was something he said,” Pat said looking at me to read how I felt about it which caused my face to flush. Remembering how Leo had said I didn’t belong to Pat. That he was just allowed to barrow me like I was a toy of some kind.

  
“What did he say that would make you so angry?” Cole asked frowning to which Pat shook his head, “Really you can’t tell me?”

  
“It’s not, something you repeat,” Pat told him and Cole nodded his head.

  
“So how did you manage to get out of there without beating in everyone’s faces?” Cole asked Pat.

  
“Very carefully with a miracle and a good reminder that if I misbehaved I probably wouldn’t be the only one punished,” Pat said.

  
“Good thinking John, very good thinking. He wouldn’t ever do anything if he thought it was going to hurt you in the end,” Cole told me.

  
“I try,” I shrugged my shoulders, “So let’s go upstairs and give Alice some help.”

  
“All right, I call Mario cart and you two can deal with the rug rat gang because I did it all by myself yesterday until Will got here,” Cole said walking into the kitchen.

  
Cole almost started backing up the moment he got inside pushing both Pat and I backwards before we heard what had scared him so much, “Hi boys, Johnny with you?” Ben questioned his voice dangerous.

  
I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice over my head. I felt like I could barely breathe. He had been gone for a couple of days but that hadn’t prepared me for seeing him. That hadn’t made me realize he would be a threat because lately he had been more into other things then he had been into me.

  
“Huh, we have homework,” Cole answered his voice uncertain as if he wasn’t sure what to say. What answer would be the correct one to let us pass by unscathed.

  
“I do believe my brother and Leo have made it so homework isn’t an occurrence for Johnny,” Ben answered.

  
“Hey, you’re all right I’m not going to let him hurt you ok? I swore it to you in the car and I’m swearing it to you right now not today, ok?” Pat said grabbing my hand.

  
I was surprised I could hear him speaking at all, my heart thundering in my ears as it beat against my chest. I felt like my brain was a broken repeating not again, not again over and over. I felt broken knowing he was in there, knowing he wanted me.

  
“Hey, I’m right here,” Pat told me squeezing my hand tightly for a moment to jar me back into reality, “I’m right here.”

  
“Oh, come on, you can play too if you like,” I heard Ben say to Cole who took another step backwards out the door.

  
“I’m good. Thank you,” Cole answered quietly.

  
“Oh, come on, I’ve heard you can play nice,” Ben said and suddenly he appeared grabbing Cole around the waist as Cole turned his head quickly to the side as Ben kissed him catching his cheek.

  
“HEY!” Pat yelled loudly, “That’s my brother! back off!”

  
“So, what? You want to play instead? See you, I’ve heard you don’t play nice but I’d be ok with that because I don’t play nice either. I’m sure you’ve heard,” Ben said a devious smile playing on his lips.

  
“You want to play with me dipshit?” Pat hissed moving forward pulling his blazer off angrily, “Let’s fucking play.” He said throwing it on the ground by my feet as he undid his tie.

  
“Pat what the hell are you doing?” Cole and I almost managed to utter in unison.

  
“I’m doing what I have to,” he answered his tie joining his blazer by my feet as he pulled off his vest and added it to the pile starting to undo his dress shirt.

  
“You might actually be fun,” Ben said letting go of Cole coming towards Pat grabbing him hard by the back of the head yanking on his hair forcing his head up ward sticking his tongue down Pat’s throat.

  
I felt the bile trying to climb up from my stomach as I watched feeling sick. This was some type of twisted sick joke, right? This wasn’t actually happening, Patrick wasn’t actually going to sleep with my uncle.

  
I watched frozen in horror. It was like watching a train wreck the damage all encompassing, gore and destruction everywhere and yet, I couldn’t look away the situation capturing and consuming every bit of my attention, making everything else disappear. Pat’s eyes open wide his hands clawing at the hand in his hair trying to get it to let go as he started to struggle. I realized he couldn’t breathe. That Pat was suffocating into my Uncle’s mouth. I started forward but it felt like everything was happening in slow motion and before I could help Uncle Ben broke the kiss both of them gasping Pat’s eyes wide in fear and anger.

  
Ben laughed manically, “Told you I don’t play nice. Still want to play now?”

  
“Leave him alone,” I said causing them both to turn and look at me.

  
“Now see,” Ben said pursing his lips folding his hands together, index fingers pointing to the sky bringing them to rest against his lips, “That doesn’t sound very fun. Why don’t both of you come play with me? It might be fairer, two against one. Call it an advantage I’m giving you.”

  
“No,” Pat shook his head, “No. I’m not playing that game.”

  
“Why? Afraid I’ll hurt you?” Ben hissed an epiphany crossing his face as he looked at me, “Or you’re afraid I’ll hurt him? That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want me to hurt Johnny here. Well guess what I’ve probably done more things to Johnny then your little head can wrap itself around so I wouldn’t worry about him too much if I were you.”

  
“He’s still my friend. I can’t let you hurt him,” Pat answered, undoing the rest of his dress shirt and letting it fall into the pile where his blazer, vest and tie were already.

  
“You think showing me a preview is going to stop me?” Ben scoffed, “Please like I can’t keep my hands to myself?”

  
Pat pulled his undershirt over his head and added it to the pile his bare pale chest gleaming in the sun light. My Uncle Ben’s eyes flashed that look as he licked his lips a smile spreading across his face. I sighed closing my eyes that look reaching deep into my core even though it wasn’t directed at me. Even though he was giving it to someone else the whole thing still shattering the very earth I stood on. He was going to hurt Pat and it was going to be my fault because I wasn’t strong enough to stop him. Because I wasn’t strong enough to make him leave us alone.

  
“Stop,” I barely managed to get out.

  
“What?” Ben turned to me his eyes changing again the look going from half turned on to small and cold, dangerous again.

  
“I said stop,” I said again as he came over to me and grabbed me by the throat the tightness making it so the air burned to get to my lungs him lifting me off of my feet.

  
I grabbed his wrist that was clutched tight around my throat hoping he would take mercy on me and loosen his grip. Hoping he would let me go before I passed out. Hoping that maybe I would get lucky somehow and someone anyone would intervene.

  
“You don’t tell me that. NOT.EVER.DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND?” He hissed punctuating each word with a punch to the stomach. My vision started to flash like someone turning the sun on and off rapidly in front of my eyes before it finally shuttered everything going black.

  
When I came to I felt like I had been hit by a train. My throat burned the air traveling down it as I gasped my way back into consciousness. I shot up my head spinning as I looked around trying to figure out where I was when I realized I was in the house in a guest room.

  
“Woah, you’re ok,” Vic said seeming like he appeared out of nowhere, “You’re ok just chill. I don’t want to have to give you a shot. You’re hurt and you’re going to make everything worse.”

  
“What happened?” I asked my voice raspy and gruff the vibrations of speaking making my neck and throat feel worse.

  
“Ok, that’s what I was afraid of. I need you to not speak at all for a day or two all right?” Vic said giving me a very serious look.

  
“Wh…” Vic cut me off

  
“No speaking! I mean it otherwise you may never speak again so don’t even think of speaking no noise what so ever ok?” He warned me and I nodded my head slowly, “Hold on just a minute I’ll go get a pad and a pen and you can write responses all right?”  
I nodded in response looking at him confused. What the fuck? What happened? Why wasn’t I in my bedroom and where on earth was Pat and Cole? Were they ok? Where was Ben had he hurt them?

  
He brought me back the notepad and pen he had promised me and then I wrote down my questions furiously. My eyes wide and angry. I was more confused and worried then anything. Worried something had happened to my friends even I was starting to vaguely remember what had happened my throat feeling raw like I had something stuck in it but I was unable to swallow it down.

  
“Ok, from what I was told you Uncle Ben stopped you guys on your way here from school. He apparently was looking to cause trouble because he grinded on Cole and then shoved his tongue down Patrick’s throat and then you told him to stop. He had a huge problem with that and apparently lifted you up by choking you and punched you repeatedly in the stomach and chest and you passed out. I actually saw a part of that as I was on my way to do your weigh in when that happened. You lost consciousness but he let go of you at that point. However, I’m pretty sure he bruised your vocal cords which can become a huge problem if you talk so you need to rest your voice and throat.” Vic told me.

  
I underlined the question are they hurt? Over and over pointing at it angrily with my pen. Why did he think I was worried about what had happened to me? Sure, I felt like shit but I was fine. I was alive my asshole hadn’t been obliviated so I thought I was doing pretty good. I was more worried about Pat.

  
“They are unhurt, they are worried about you. They are waiting for me to call them and let them know you are ok and I didn’t have to take you to the hospital because you didn’t wake up. Your Dad was called and he did what he always does which was rip your uncle a new one and then sent him on a little vacation for a while,” Vic answered.

  
I sighed with relief. That was good news. So hopefully I would quit feeling run over soon. At least that’s what I was thinking until he told me what else was up.

  
“Your ribs have been re-bruised all the healing they had done reversed. You need to watch what you say and whom you say it to before you end up dead all right? Because right now you aren’t doing very well in that respect at all. So, you’re on bed rest. You can’t afford the weight loss that will happen while your throat is healing so I’m going to be putting a feeding tube in and you’re not going anywhere but probably the bathroom for at least a week. You’re not talking for at least three days and that’s why you are down here, that way you will be left alone. I literally want you to do nothing as your doctor and your friend you understand me?” Vic said a very serious look on his face.

  
I slapped my head lightly and jerked my shoulders upward shaking my head vigorously. He didn’t have to worry about me doing anything he had to worry about everything else. Anything I “did” even though it was my fault I wasn’t getting a choice in the matter especially if I didn’t have a voice to protest it.

  
“Yeah, yeah I know. I’ve talked to your Da and he’s going to call Leo when he gets a chance all right? I’ve told your Da 0-physical activity. Like I’m dead serious. The only place you’re going for a while is the can. You’re not going upstairs, you’re not going downstairs or down the hallway you are stuck in this bed if I have to tie you to it. That means no sex of any kind,” Vic told me, “If he doesn’t listen I will have you moved to a different house until he can keep it in his pants ok?”

  
“Where?” I wrote on the piece of paper.

  
“I’ll worry about that if it comes to that,” Vic answered me, “Now you’ll notice the weight of the tube, I’m going to be spending my “free time” here. I use the term free time loosely because your Da doesn’t want you in the hospital overnight. So, I’m staying here and if you need me I have this,” he said showing me a bell, “You ring that I’ll come running. If you have to you can push the page on the phone and it’ll call the line on itself and then you ring the bell but you don’t speak. I don’t even want to hear a grunt ok?”

  
I nodded my head again rolling my eyes. I think I understood by that point considering how he kept saying it. My head was tired my whole-body sore I wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to do other than sleep.

  
“Ok as long as you understand. I’m sure you feel like total shit so I’m going to give you some more morphine and then you can sleep it off. I’m sure when you wake up you’ll probably have a phone call or a visitor. At least you’ll only be missing like a week or two of school before break,” Vic said grabbing a needle off the night stand and giving me the shot in the shoulder.

  
I instantly started to feel light headed my whole body trying to fight the drug as it started to lull me into a pain free sleep. I wanted to see Pat, I wanted to know him and Cole were ok. Especially him though. I mean he had been stripping for god sakes last time I saw him and that was something that in my life had never ended well for anyone was far as I knew besides that one time in the pool but, yeah that was the only one glaring exception to a big fat fucking rule.

  
I spent the pretty part of a month in that bed hooked to a feeding a tube doing nothing but watching insane amounts of TV until I felt like my brain was turning to mush. Mum still hadn’t come home unlike Da had promised she would be and we were still holding out hope it would be soon. However, it seemed the more we hoped the less likely it was she was going to coming home.

  
Pat would come by twice a week and hang out with me. Talk to me about stuff at school, what was going on and bring me school work so I didn’t fall behind. Leo would also visit me, talk to me, tell me how much he missed me and bring me gifts. Including a TiVo (because just what I needed something to store my TV shows on), A personal CD player, A hand held Gameboy with a bunch of games, A ring with some weird symbols inscribed on the inside and a gold Rolex as well as my very first cell phone which didn’t do me any good because none of my friends actually owned one.

  
However, he used to call me on it even though I tried to avoid his calls or make excuses not to take them because of the things he would say to me. One day after a walk up and down the hall he called me on the phone and I didn’t answer so he made a visit and stopped by the house as Alice and Debbie a second nanny my Da had hired gave me dinner. He smiled brightly when he saw me making me shift uneasily.

  
“Hi beautiful,” he said looking at me.

  
“Leo please don’t,” I said shaking my sighing.

  
“What I can’t call you beautiful? You are, you know? Even more so now that you’ve gained some weight. Not that you’re fat now or anything but you’re less sharp, less bone and more ... Well, you look really really good. I can’t wait to see what you look like under those PJ’s.”

  
My insides went cold. They had really been leaving me alone besides the odd comment here or there that they couldn’t wait for me to get better, my ribs to heal and my strength to return. Most of my soreness was gone and the bruising had long since faded so it was more just Vic trying to give me some space, some time and Vic and I both knew that time was now short.

  
“I…” I exhaled deeply, “I don’t want to.”

  
“You’re still mine baby you know that,” Leo said, “You’re mine until the contract is up injured or not. I know Vic says you need your rest but I’m going to bet that’s not going to last much longer. You’ll be in my bed Friday I promise. We’ll have fun I’ll make you feel good.”

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“I’ve told you why baby remember?” He said, “Because you’re perfect. You deserve someone who is going to worship you make your body tingle in all the right ways. Not someone like Hank who will bite you, mark your flesh. You need someone who will love you like I love you, like your Da loves you.”

  
“It’ll hurt though,” I said quietly.

  
“No, I’d never hurt you. Not on purpose. I’ll go slow. I know it’s been a little while,” Leo said trying to assure me.

  
So, there was no way out of it. I had to go back to that. After three weeks of being able to breathe it was finally up.

  
“Please, just one more week?” I asked, taking a deep breath and looking him in the face.

  
“I miss you,” he answered simply coming to sit on the bed next to me.

  
I tensed shifting my weight knowing what he was going to do. That he was going to touch me even if not sexually. I didn’t want the feeling of him on my skin. I remembered that feeling and it made me sick.

  
He reached out his hand to touch my cheek and I knew better then to try and smack his hand away but tried to withdrawal farther, make myself smaller. I swallowed.

  
“Shhh, it’s ok,” he said his hand making contact with my cheek something in the air changing, his eyes flashing that look like touching my cheek wouldn’t be enough.

  
“No,” I shook my head trying to pull away trying to get out of the bed as he grabbed my wrist pulling me towards him, “NO please, please Leo. I’m not ready, please.”

  
His face kept coming closer and closer to mine making it hard to breathe, making it hard to think. I jerked lightly trying to pull away as he started kissing my cheek his tongue sliding against my skin down to my jaw bone his body shaking with excitement like he’d been waiting for forever to put his lips against my skin again.

  
“Please,” I begged trying not to push him away, trying not do anything that would make him upset.

  
He leaned his weight over top of me his hand running gently through my hair the air getting stuck in my lungs getting harder to move in and out of my body as I tried to be still, tried to not push him away or scream at him to stop. My whole body was shaking my lip trembling.

  
“Shhh, it’s ok. I’m not going to hurt to hurt you. I just want to touch you,” he cooed running his hand through my hair as he kissed and sucked on my neck, “It’s ok. What’s wrong baby?”

  
“You’re scaring me,” I whispered.

  
“You’re too beautiful to hurt. There’s nothing to be scared of ok? I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to touch you, ok baby?” He cooed his hand still running through my hair.

  
“Please Leo. Please stop,” I begged my skin crawling even the roots of my hair tingling.

  
“Don’t cry beautiful. You’re too beautiful to cry,” he muttered pulling the collar of my shirt down a little bit kissing my sternum, “Shhh don’t hyperventilate. I’m done, ok? I’m done.”

  
He moved his weight off me of sitting up but I still felt gross. Dirty. Like I had let him do something I shouldn’t have. That it was my fault.

  
“I see we’re really going to have to take it slow,” Leo commented, “That’s ok though. Slow can be fun. Slow can be really nice actually. Just think of it like we’re new ok?”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head not looking at him flexing my fist trying to keep myself calm. I didn’t want to be new with him. I didn’t want to be new with anyone. I don’t know why I had allowed my guard to fall when I knew very well I had to go back to laying with them. To allowing them to be on top of me making me hate myself. I have no idea why I thought I would be ok having to go back to that after not having to deal with it for almost a month the longest in my life I had gone without having someone touch me in a way I didn’t want them to.

  
I don’t know where that hope that I wouldn’t have to go back had come from but Leo had quickly crushed it. Even when Pat had come over he had been gentle and respectful of me. Not even asking me to cuddle at first because I had been that weak and tired my uncle having beaten me pretty badly but last week we had spent time with a movie on, him kissing me, allowing me to lay with him and relax and I had felt happy like maybe I wouldn’t have to have sex with them anymore. Like maybe it could just be Pat and I when I was ready to try but that had been wishful thinking. That had been me lying to myself.

  
“Are you going to just sit there and stare at me?” I asked Leo realizing he was still there, still watching me.

  
“Why? Is that a bad thing?” He asked me.

  
“I want to be alone,” I answered honestly.

  
“You’re never alone baby,” he told me, “That’s why you have a phone. So, if you ever need me I’m right there. Same with your Dad. Do you know when Vic is clearing you for activity?” Leo asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
“I’m pretty sure it will be soon. You’re Dad said it would probably be soon. Are you ready for your mum to come home?” He asked me suddenly.

  
I glanced at him confused. Was she really coming home? Da had been saying that, promising that for weeks while I was laid up in bed and she had yet to come home to us. Thanksgiving was days away and I felt like he was teasing me, lying to make me believe it was true.

  
“When is she coming home?” I asked.

  
“I signed her discharge papers earlier at work. She should be home by this evening when your Dad gets off work or tomorrow morning. Happy thanksgiving. Think of it as an early Christmas gift too ok?” Leo told me.

  
“Thank you,” I answered quietly.

  
I knew it was true. If he wanted me to think of it as a gift it was something he had done for me. Something that was real. Leo never lied about presents or outings. In his mind, he probably never lied at all about anything.

  
“You’re welcome,” he said touching my knee through the comforter making me jump lightly in surprise, “You have gotten jumpy. So, no one’s touched you since you’ve been on rest, have they?”

  
I shook my head again. I didn’t understand why that was exciting to him, why it mattered. I still don’t understand the thrill that gives some people being with someone who hasn’t had sex in a while or who has never had sex at all. It just baffles me why that’s even slightly exciting. You would think it wouldn’t be because those people would be worse at meeting their partner half way but some people really get off on it.

  
“Nice, you think you’re Da will have a chance before this weekend or do you think he’ll be too busy with your Mom?” He asked me his eyes staring at me unblinking, serious.

  
“Probably too busy,” I answered realizing that’s why he was excited because it would be like getting me clean and unused for once. Getting to be with him without having my Da spend the week before messing with me and that was what was really getting him off. The thought that for once he wouldn’t be second rate but first.

  
“Good,” He said nodding his head after reflection, “Just you and me this weekend no Rich ok? We’ll spend some quality time together. Maybe go to the movies, to Tony’s what do you think?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered reluctantly, “Maybe.”

  
“Good I’ll see you tomorrow evening if your medically cleared all right?” He said leaning forward squeezing my hand gentle and kissing my cheek a smile passing across his face briefly, “Have a goodnight.”

  
“You too Leo,” I answered.

  
I sat there for a while just catching my breath. Accepting my fate and trying to digest the fact that mum was coming home either in a short while or tomorrow morning before I had to leave. There was a knock on the door that startled me from my thoughts Pat opening it Vic behind him.

  
“Hi,” Pat said enthusiastically, “How are you doing today? Guess what?”

  
“What?” I asked

  
“No homework and you are officially released from prison! We can hang out this weekend,” He said his face falling as he looked at me, “What’s wrong? I mean it’s going to be a secret Vic’s not going to tell them until next week so you and I could you know spend some normal time together just like being us outside of this room maybe even upstairs with the kiddos.”

  
“They already know, don’t they?” Vic asked, “I should have figured. Leo did go to medical school.”

  
“I’m supposed to go over there tomorrow evening,” I barely whispered clearing my throat trying to pull the tears back in, trying to hide my panic.

  
“Vic?” Pat turned to Vic his eyes worried, hurt.

  
“There’s nothing I can do if they already know he doesn’t need to be on bedrest know. If they’re sure he’s going to be cleared I can’t stop them. He’s contracted still. I’m sorry guys,” Vic sighed, “Let’s get your weight though ok John? See if that’s still on the upswing.”

  
“Yeah ok,” I stood up stretching trying to unbind my tense muscles. I hadn’t been on the feeding tube for about three days and it felt good to not have one in anymore. I had managed to gain around fifteen pounds putting my weight around 105 pounds which was about 20 pounds less than where I needed to be but a whole lot healthier than I had been before I was put on bed rest.

  
We went into the bathroom and Vic checked my weight backwards and smiled happily as he peered down at the number. I wasn’t sure if that was good or not at first because I felt nervous about it now from what Leo had said. That I looked better that he wanted to see what my body looked like without clothes. That seeing me fuller, my face less gaunt had made him excited.

  
“Did I gain?” I asked quietly.

  
“Don’t worry about it,” Vic told me nodding his head, “you’re ok.”

  
“I can’t gain anymore,” I said.

  
“You have to Rabbit,” Pat said, “You’re going to get worse again if you don’t. You have to keep gaining I know it probably feels weird but it’s going to get harder again really soon.”

  
“You don’t get it. I can’t gain anymore,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t they like it. I can’t do it. I can’t because then they won’t…”

  
“No,” Pat came up to me hugging my tightly, “No don’t listen to them ok? Listen to your body your body wants you to gain weight. Your body feels better than it did, doesn’t it? You feel more awake like you can do more things? Listen to that. Don’t listen to them.”

  
“He’s right,” Vic told me, “They just say that stuff to make you feel bad. Don’t listen to anything they have to say about you. Your health is way more important then what they want.”

  
“No, you don’t get it, they want me to gain weight. They want to be able…I can’t.” I said shaking my head.

  
“You’re shaking,” Pat said rubbing my head, “You need to be healthy ok? Don’t worry about them. Please do it for me if you can’t do it for you. Do it for Will and the babies and Catty and James. Please.”

  
I sighed grabbing him my fingers tracing up and down his lower back under his t-shirt. I wanted to do it for him. To be healthy for him, better for him but I wasn’t sure I could. I didn’t want to make an empty promise, “I’ll try,” I answered.

  
“I’ll accept that,” Pat nodded pulling his forehead to mine while Vic averted his eyes.

  
That was something that Vic often did if Pat and I were together. Tried to avert his eyes because his warnings when we were in private didn’t do him any good. He knew we were going to touch each other like that, kiss each other. He didn’t know if we were having sex and he wouldn’t ask being who he was. But we still hadn’t of our own accord even though it seemed that it was something we talked about a lot.

  
“Ok, So I have to tell your Da that you’re free. But I think he just left to go somewhere.”

  
“Really?” I asked curious, “Do you think he’s going to go get mum?”

  
“I have no idea, you’d have to ask Leo that,” Vic answered me.

  
“He told me he signed the papers to let her go that she could come home this evening if Da went to go pick her up and bring her home. She’s been gone for almost three months you know? I don’t think the babies even remember her.” I said.

  
“Maybe, maybe not,” he told me.

  
“Well three months is a long time when you are only a year old,” I replied.

  
“Very true,” Pat said, “You would think if she’s just coming home they would give you this weekend with her. Maybe you could ask for it?”

  
I shook my head, “They won’t let me. I already know they won’t. There isn’t any use in asking. Hell, for all I know the only reason he let her out was so that I would owe him. That’s probably why she’s out.”

  
“Come on let’s sit down, I don’t like the fact that you’re shaking,” Pat said quietly rubbing my shoulders, “It’s not fair they can do this to you.”

  
“Is it wrong I’m just scared because I’m afraid it’s going to hurt?” I asked quietly.

  
“It shouldn’t. As long as you can stay calm it shouldn’t hurt,” Vic answered quietly, “Not physically.”

  
“Why don’t they understand I don’t want to?” I asked him.

  
“Because some people; their brains are wired different and they only see what they want to see. They believe what they are doing is what’s best for you no matter how much you tell them otherwise. No matter how much the evidence points to the contrary,” Vic answered, “And then others just don’t care. They want what they want and that’s all that matters. I can’t tell you who is what but I can tell you that there’s both within the brotherhood.”

  
“Vic could we not talk about this right now? I think he needs calm and this isn’t a calm,” Pat said quietly.

  
“He asked a question and I as a doctor answered it for him,” Vic said simply, “I agree though. I think that a change in topic is in order.”

  
“Good. So, I read chamber of secrets and I think Lucius is a pervert. Did you read Lord of the rings the fellowship?” Pat asked me smiling making me laugh.

  
We had agreed that in our free time we would read each other’s series and see what we thought. I was still working my way through the fellowship of the rings and gawked at Pat surprised he had finished that quickly. Even though the reading level of the Fellowship of the rings is a little more advance than Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets but we had only exchanged on Friday and Pat did have other stuff he was doing to take up his time.

  
“I’m still working on it. You’re going to hate me but Frodo and Bilbo just moved out of Bag end and is headed toward Rivendell being chased by a black rider,” I answered.

  
“That’s a ring wrath,” Pat answered and then laughed smiling at me, “Sorry. I love those books even though Harry Potter isn’t bad but what is this parletongue thing he’s got going on?”

  
“So, you haven’t finished it?” I asked.

  
“No, I’m about half way through,” Pat admitted.

  
“Oh, thank goodness. You were making me feel like a loser. I thought you had finished it already,” I said.

  
“Pfft you a loser? Please Rabbit you’re awesome,” Pat said putting his arm around my shoulder as we settled down in bed.

  
“Read some classics like call of the wild,” Vic muttered.

  
“Hey Lord of the rings is a classic,” Pat scoffed.

  
“That is not a classic. I mean, it’s good but it’s not a classic. It’s a children’s book surely you have a higher reading level than that,” Vic said.

  
“I do but I’m reading for fun not to boil my brain,” Pat said.

  
“Most wizards can’t talk to snakes like Harry can. They haven’t relieved why he can and most others can’t but yeah,” I answered.

  
“Hmmm future books?” Pat asked.

  
“Yeah, I’m sure they just haven’t come out yet,” I answered.

  
“Why do you think Lucius is a perv?” I asked curious.

  
“Just like he seems too into his son. I don’t know in real life every guy I know like that is in the brotherhood so it seems kind of obvious.”

  
“I don’t think he’s a pervert. I think he’s just kind of a bad guy,” I answered.

  
“Bad guys can be perverts,” Pat countered.

  
“Not all bad guys are perverts. Some are just fucking bad babe,” I said.

  
“And some are just bad at fucking. I don’t know Maybe,” he admitted, “I think maybe our lives are so screwed up I just automatically assume that every bad guy has a bit of hidden perv even if he’s not feeling up little boys.”

  
“Little boys like you?” I asked.

  
“Shut up. I’m not little anymore,” Pat said trying to hide a chuckle.

  
Vic cringed, “Yeah I’m going to head out now. I’d rather not watch you two do this weird flirting thing? Is this how you flirt?”

  
“Depends on the day,” Pat said, “Sometimes I feel him up a little more sometimes a little less.”

  
I started laughing as Vic’s mouth dropped open staring at Pat shaking his head, “Yeah, all right. I’ll see you later.”

  
Vic got up and walked away shutting the door behind him. I sighed laying my head on Pat’s chest. I liked being alone with him more than I liked having Vic around. I mean Vic was a nice guy but there were certain things he didn’t want to see and I really didn’t want him to see.

  
“He’s gone,” Pat said a hint of victory in his voice as he looked at me, “So now that you are officially in the clear. Can we get a little physically active?”

  
He smiled at me moving so that he was on top of me giving me this look that said he wanted to mess around roll his tongue over top of mine, press me into the bed. I smiled at him. It sounded nice but I felt nervous knowing what was going to happen tomorrow. That Leo was going to want to do the same thing. He must have seen it on my face because he smiled at me sadly moving to sit back next to me.

  
“Try not to think about it ok?” He said quietly kissing my cheek in a chaste manner.

  
“I’m trying. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I might be safe for another week,” I sighed holding his hand kissing the top of it.

  
“That’s not stupid. It’s not stupid to hope ok? I was hoping too. You heard me when I came in here. I was hoping to get to go to the beach with you. To spend time somewhere we could be alone, really alone and maybe I don’t know…” Pat said.

  
“You wanted to have sex?” I questioned frowning.

  
“Not if you didn’t want to, you know that,” Pat said, “Never anything …”

  
I cut him off, “I don’t want. Yeah, I know. Just it feels like that’s all anyone wants me for.”

  
“That isn’t all I want you for,” Pat said, “Hey look at me Rabbit, please?”

  
I sighed looking him in the eyes and all I saw there was love, warmth, caring, “I believe you ok? I just… It’s hard going this long without them and then knowing that I have to now.”

  
“I know Rabbit, you have no idea how mad it makes me that I can’t protect you,” Pat said, “How angry it makes me to know that if I even try it will be a million times worse for you.”

  
“They aren’t like you,” I said quietly, “they feel cold against my skin. They make my insides feel like they’re rotting.”

  
“I know,” Pat said, “You have no idea how hard it is to sit here and talk about this with you and not be able to do anything about it. I would die for you if it would stop them but it won’t. You know I keep tabs on stuff upstairs right? And Will does too?”

  
“When say mean upstairs you mean with my younger siblings or you mean with the big L and all of that because either way yeah,” I answered, “What about it?”

  
“You know,” Pat’s face started to flush, “The huh shit, the video that we…”

  
“I remember we had sex, they filmed it. Afterwards …well whatever it’s life, what about it?” I said making myself emotionally numb ready to hear more bad news.

  
“My dad has been getting offers of people when my contract is up willing to contract me. Others that aren’t even in the brotherhood that just want to spend time with me. I don’t think he’ll do it because my Dad gets off on taunting me and being an all-around asshole more than anything but Will said your Dad is getting the same offers and that when someone says something interesting he forwards the message to Leo. That Leo wants to resign with you. I’m sorry but I thought it was better if I told you so when it did happen you weren’t surprised,” Pat told me.

  
“He will,” I mumbled, “He’ll find someone and he’ll let them.”

  
“No, he won’t,” Pat said quietly.

  
“NO! HE will I know he will. When he found out we were skipping school he invited that guy over and they almost broke my ribs. He did horrible things Pat. I wanted to die. He hurt. All I could keep thinking was how tired I was. How badly I just wanted everything to stop. I don’t even remember if Leo watched or not. I wouldn’t put it past him if he did but then again, he probably didn’t because he claims that he loves me. Loves me like Da loves me.”

  
Pat’s frown deepened, “He’s told you that?”

  
I nodded my head. I hated that they claimed that. That they loved me. At the time, I wasn’t sure what to think. Sometimes it felt like they did. That they loved me and it was just their love was twisted and sick. Other times it didn’t feel that way at all. It felt more like they didn’t love me but they lusted after me. They wanted my body and they made sure I knew it.

  
“Hey, he’s not here right now. None of them are here right now it’s just me, John. I see you retracting don’t do that, you’re here with me. You’re safe ok Rabbit, you’re safe right now just breathe please, please Rabbit,” Pat cooed quietly making sure I could see his hands.

  
“I don’t want them to,” I said before I started crying.

  
“Oh, sweetie I know. My poor Rabbit, oh geeze,” Pat said.

  
“I hatethem Ican’t ever make themhappy nothing Idois ever going tomakeanyone happy. It’s nevergoing tobe enough. Nothing I do isevergoing tobe enough to makethem leaveeveryone alone to makethem stop not ever,” I whimpered.

  
“Rabbit, I barely understand you. I know you’re upset. I get it but, you need to stop talking and just try to breathe for me ok? Come here,” he said holding his arms open for me. Giving me the choice of whether I wanted the contact or not.

  
I threw my arms around his waist throwing my head into his lap and letting myself cry as he stroked my back through my shirt. I tried to focus on him. On the fact that he loved me, that he cared about me and didn’t want me to hurt. That seeing me like this hurt him. Focus on his hands on my back. How they felt warm and soft like a blanket or warm sunshine. How he was safe and he smelled of Tobacco and chocolate and things I liked. I don’t know how long he held me but at some point the lift turned on and I thought it would be going up to the fourth floor but heard the ding meaning it was opening and Pat put his hands in my hair.

  
“It’s ok, I’m right here he’s not going to hurt you,” Pat said quietly leaning over top of me using his body to shield me as we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.

  
The door opened with no knocking my eyes closed. I held my breath expecting to get into trouble. Expecting him to tear us apart yelling about how this wasn’t allowed how we couldn’t see each other anymore. Instead I heard a quiet sigh half sad half relieved and looked up.

  
“Mum?” I barely managed to ask as Pat let me go.

  
“Hi love,” Mum said tears in her eyes, “You ok?”

  
I nodded my head trying to dry my face. I was so happy to see her. So, relieved. She looked tired big dark circles under her eyes. She seemed thinner then she had been but she looked like she was at least half aware of what was going on around her, where she was.

  
“That’s a bag of blarney if I ever heard it,” she said smiling through her tears, “Come here love.”

  
She hugged me holding me tight running her hands through my hair kissing my cheeks.

  
“Thank you, Patrick,” she said, “For taking care of him while I was gone. I’m sure you helped take care of them all, didn’t you?”

  
“I didn’t really do anything Mrs. McGregor,” Pat said causing me to laugh.

  
“He’s lying mum,” I said.

  
“I know love,” she told me, “He’s a good one. What’s going on in here?”

  
I sighed listening to her heart beat as she rocked me petting my face and hair gently doing it the way only a mom really can. I tried to relax to let my anxiety go so I could give her facts because I doubted she knew anything considering that she’d been away from us since we had gotten back from Montana. When I was ready pulled away from her a looked at her closely.

  
“Mum,” I said quietly, “You know when we got off the plane and Da took you away? When we got here he made me do stuff in front of them.”

  
“Do what stuff Love?” She asked.

  
At first, I thought it was a joke. She was joking, right? She wasn’t going to make me say what he did. That he made me French kiss him in front of my brothers and sisters. That I had been home maybe all of 20 minutes before he forced me to lay with him.  
“You know,” I said not wanting to say it.

  
“No, not unless you’re talking about my delusions. Isn’t that what they are called? They said you shared some of them that’s why you ended up in the hospital too. Don’t tell me you’re sick again love. I don’t want to have to send you back to that horrible place,” she told me.

  
“Mum,” I said.

  
“Hey, come here. It’s ok Rabbit,” Pat said grabbing my hand pulling me away from her, “They probably brain washed her. It’ll come back. You just have to give it time ok? Give her time to realize it’s real and it’s not something she imagined,” Pat whispered hugging me.

  
“That means I’m still alone,” I said.

  
“No, you’re never alone Rabbit. I’m right here and I’m not ever going anywhere,” Pat said making me smile and nod my head.

  
“Your right mum,” I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  
“It’s all right love. I know it’s scary but as long as you take your medication you’ll get better I promise,” She said smiling brightly, “Goodness I’m so happy to see you. Your Da told me you were in an accident a while ago and so he put you down here to rest away from everyone until you recovered. He said you were well enough to go over to your new friend’s house for the weekend. That it’s become a weekly thing. I have to say I’m happy you’re making more friends here, not there is anything wrong with you Patrick. I think you’re a lovely boy just well, you know how I feel about certain things.”

  
“I know, I take no offense,” Pat said nodding his head, “Should I leave you two to go upstairs. I’m sure everyone else can’t wait to see you.”

  
“Certainly,” Mum answered, “Thank you again for keeping an eye on them, helping John.”

  
“No problem, I promise,” Pat said, “Hey, I’ll call you later ok? Call if you need anything.”

  
“I will, I…,” I blushed realizing my mum was standing right there that it was probably something she didn’t need to hear, “I’ll talk to you later.”

  
We walked Pat out into the hallway and allowed him to take the lift down on his own waiting for it to come to a stop before heading back up our way when we pushed the button. When we got upstairs Catty was talking to Mike in the hallway Mike facing the lift’s direction and his eyes went wide when he saw us.

  
“MUMMY!” He screamed charging at us like a bat out of hell running to her and throwing himself at her as she caught him twirling him in her arms.

  
“Oh, all my babies,” she said laughing happy tears streaming down her face again as everyone else came pattering down the hallway towards us forming a massive group hug of little arms and smiling faces all besides one of my siblings who watched from a little way off leaning against the door frame of his room.

  
I walked over to him, “Aren’t you going to say hi?” I asked Will.

  
“In a moment, give them their second,” he said smiling over at them, “Why aren’t you in there?”

  
“She’s not right,” I answered quietly trying not to draw attention to us, “She thinks everything he did. That everything he does, she thinks she made it all up in her head. They convinced her it was all fake.”

  
“Yeah, I know,” he sighed, “I read his emails remember?”

  
“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what they were doing to her?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know. I figured it either wouldn’t work or maybe it was better if she thought that, at least for a while anyway. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s going to be easy to keep her from remembering it when she’s here every day when she’s going to see it. Because you know he’s not as careful as he used to be. There’s no way he’s going to go back to hiding it. I mean he sleeps in your fucking bedroom with you. You don’t think that’s going to escape her attention, do you?”

  
I shivered thinking about it. How I had to go back to that. The feeling of him on me that he wouldn’t let me wash off before I feel asleep. Him holding me to his chest sometimes even falling asleep still inside of me making it so I couldn’t move, couldn’t even think.

  
“I’m off restriction,” I said after a minute, “I’m going to Leo’s this weekend. They already told her. Apparently, she just thinks it’s a friend’s house. A friend she hasn’t met.”

  
Will snorted, “Nice cover. Are you going to be ok with that?”

  
“I have to be I guess,” I answered making sure I kept myself calm even though the panic was starting to fade, to turn into numbness, “I mean there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it so I just have to accept it.”

  
“I’m sorry,” Will sighed, “At least your room will have you in it tonight and mum’s here so maybe we’ll both be lucky enough to not have to worry about him.”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Mikey’s been staying in my room to make sure Matt leaves him alone, remember?” Will said, “What? You thought he’d leave an empty bedroom open with a queen-sized bed when it gives him a chance to fuck in private and yet still be close to everyone?”

  
“I’m sorry Will,” I said, “You shouldn’t have to deal with my mistakes.”

  
“Your mistake? No, it’s not on you. It’s on uncle Ben if he wouldn’t have beaten your brains in for whatever it was he thought you did it would have never happened that way. I blame him and his inability to behave like a decent human not you.” Will told me.  
We stood there in silence for a while longer before I glanced at him. No wonder he was so reluctant to have physical contact with anyone lately, standing apart from everyone else. Not really touching anyone even the babies unless he had to. He was becoming like me. Quieter, more guarded. The only person I really ever touched or let touch me being Pat.

  
“Is it every night?” I asked quietly watching Will’s body language watching him shift uneasily biting is lower lip before he sighed answering the question but not looking at me.

  
“Yeah,” he said, “Don’t blame yourself. It’s not on you.”

  
“You can say that all you like. It’s not going to change the fact that I am,” I replied.

  
“I know, just don’t ok?” Will said his gaze finally finding mine as we both sighed.

  
“Anyone else?” I asked him.

  
Meaning was Da hurting anyone else? Uncle Ben had been gone since the incident and Hank had been keeping his distance as far as I knew but that didn’t mean it was safe. That any of us were safe.

  
“I don’t know, I haven’t asked. I’m just kind of tired. Debbie helps a lot but it is what it is. I think Da hired Debbie mostly for you. Because you were laid up,” Will answered.

  
“I figured,” I shot back glancing back over to the pile of babies and children happily chattering away with mum. They looked so happy to see her so relieved. It made me feel sick inside to know that she wasn’t in the state of mind to help us. To try and get us out of here again. That they had her believing none of it was real.

  
“If he was going to who do you think would be most at risk?” I asked knowing Will saw Da interact more with them then I did because my weekends were occupied elsewhere.

  
“Cat and Andy,” Will answered simply starting to tap his foot, which was his tell indicating there was something he wasn’t sharing with me.

  
I looked down and causally tapped my bare foot against his socked one letting him know I had noticed. He stopped and looked at me again taking his eyes off the crowd in front of us. He rolled his eyes.

  
“Later,” he responded and I nodded my head.

  
I turned back to the crowd and watched some more Debbie and Alice introducing themselves to our mum welcoming her home. Letting her know what everyone had been up to as they started to scatter. All besides the youngest who clung shyly to Alice’s skirt and Laura and Andy who had wrapped themselves around mum’s legs as she run her fingers through fiery red locks on one leg and deep brown on the other smiling down at them as she talked with Debbie and Alice.

  
After a few minutes mum regained the use of her legs when Debbie convinced Andy and Laura to leave and play with her in the nursey grabbing Mac as well who had been sitting quietly on the floor next to Seamus. Mum turned a sad look on her face sighing before she saw Will and I and smiled brightly again. I wasn’t sure how well this was going to go remembering what I had felt like when mum had come home when it was me standing in Will’s place. How angry I had been that she had left me there. How I had felt like she had let him do those things to me.

  
“Hi mum,” Will said quietly.

  
“I knew I was missing one. How are you Will?” She asked him something in her eyes changing as she looked at him.

  
“I’m all right,” he answered not moving away from the wall he was leaning on, “Everything will be better soon.”

  
“What’s wrong love?” She asked him to which he glanced at me and shook his head.

  
“John?” She asked me, “What’s going on you two? You can tell me anything you know?”

  
“It’s fine mum,” I said trying to smile. I didn’t want to worry her.

  
I felt like telling her that her doctors and nurses and Da had been the ones lying would be a bad idea when they had her convinced she was insane. That she had made everything up in her head. I felt like that would make her unstable enough they might send her back to the hospital. I would rather she was there with us doing what she could for the wee ones then locked away. Because her being locked away wasn’t good for them and it wasn’t good for her. She needed to be home because that’s where she belonged.

  
“Oh, my brave young men,” she said coming up to us to embrace us.

  
Will visibly stiffened. Even though I’m pretty sure I did the same. When you didn’t need the contact, you didn’t want it. When you needed it, you felt weak and guilty afterward. It still feels that way sometimes even now. Like wanting someone to hug you is dirty, wanting someone to comfort you is wrong. Like they’ll do something else, something to hurt you if you’re not careful.

  
“Oh, my loves,” she said, “Da hasn’t been hugging you enough I’m sure. Probably feels a bit queer huh?”

  
Will sighed closing his eyes. I knew he wanted to tell her but, Will was smart. He has always been smarter than I am and he knew telling her especially in that moment wouldn’t be a good thing no matter how badly he wanted her to open her eyes. To realize what they had done to her. What Da was doing to all of us but he knew that slowly if we didn’t say anything she would easily see it. Because like he had said there was no way Da could go back to hiding his perversions from everyone.

  
Mum put her arms down letting us go, “So what’s been going on since I left?” She asked.

  
“Not much, just school,” Will answered quietly.

  
“What about your Da? Has he been taking care of you?” She asked and I saw Will’s eyes go wide.

  
“Uhhh…yeah I guess,” Will said.

  
“You guess?” Mum laughed a little, “What does that mean?”

  
“Mum it’s nothing,” I answered for him, “It doesn’t mean anything.”

  
Mum’s smile fell, “What’s going on?”

  
“Nothing mum,” Will repeated my words, “Alice is dinner almost ready?” Will called down the hall cupping his hands around his face to make his voice louder.

  
“Don’t yell sugar,” Alice sighed back, “Yes, it’s almost ready. Tomorrow Debbie and I are going to make a big dinner downstairs to celebrate your mom’s home coming. Too bad John won’t be there.”

  
“Yeah, I hate that I have to miss it,” I said closing my eyes and taking a deep breath trying not to think of where I would be and what I would probably be doing instead.

  
“Don’t think about it,” Will said reading my face.

  
He knew it wasn’t something I wanted. He knew it was something I was terrified of, that I hated them touching me. Especially Da and Leo and that’s exactly where I was going to be.

  
I exhaled deeply and tried to clear my head of the thoughts, push them away and just breathe even though my chest still felt heavy and all I wanted was Pat. Pat to wrap his arms around me and tell me that I was ok. That I could do this and everything would be all right when it was over. That he would be here to comfort me, to let me cry in peace as he held my arms gently whispering to me so that I didn’t hurt myself because he would know I wanted to. That I wanted to really badly. That I wanted to be anywhere else, anyone else in any other body in the entire world than the one I was trapped in with my skin crawling. The one that was going to be feeling their fingers still on my skin, the evidence visible for anyone to see who dared to look.

  
Dinner was simple that night but happy. Mum telling the babies stories about people she had met. About a Duke that saw angels and a Lady that could talk to animals. And despite how scared I was and how much I was worried about Will I managed to smile. She made it sound like a fairy tale. Where they convinced a warlock that not everything he couldn’t see was bad, that there was real magic in the world.

  
My mum had always been good at making up stories though and it reminded me of when I had been young. There was a story she would tell me of a prince with fire for hair and blue robes. How he tried so hard to be good, to please the king and protect the younger prince. How he would keep the younger prince safe by hiding him in the magical forest where the fairies were from the evil knight that the king didn’t realize was evil. How eventually the king figured out the knight was evil and banished him from the kingdom so that the younger prince could come back and never had to hide with the fairies again. When I was little I never put together that the prince was me or that the evil Knight was uncle Ben but I had loved the story to death.

  
When dinner was done I went to go pick up Seamus and take him to the nursery mum grabbing Mary while Alice grabbed Mac and Andy and Laura followed behind. I helped mum change them and then left her and Alice to tell bedtime stories to them Catty and James joining them in the nursery which was something they hardly ever did.

  
When I left them, I felt relieved. Happy she was home even though I was worried about how that would affect her and us. Especially if whatever Da and Leo had done to her brain caused her to be unstable. I stopped when I noticed my bedroom door was slightly ajar because I usually kept it closed and I hadn’t been in my room for three weeks. I sighed nudging the door open with my toe to see Da sitting on my bed.

  
“Hey,” he said smiling at me.

  
“Hi, da,” I said quietly feeling like a brick was stuck in my throat. All I could think was please god not right now.

  
“Come here. We need to talk about some stuff ok?” He said patting the bed beside him.

  
I nodded my head and shut the door behind me but didn’t dare to step any closer to him. Not wanting to be within arm’s reach of him so he could grab me. My hands shaking as I sat down against the wall.

  
“Come here. I don’t bite hard,” he said laughing lightly at his own joke. A joke I hadn’t found funny.

  
“Can I stay here please?” I asked afraid it would make him angry.

  
“Very well. I’m sure you’ve talked to mum. She needs to transition back to living at home and being with everyone so there are certain things that you should keep to yourself so that we don’t upset her and undo all of the progress she has made,” Da told me.

  
“You mean don’t tell her about what you do to me?” I asked him.

  
“You mean our relationship? Yes, or mine and your brothers all right?” He said.

  
“And Leo?” I asked.

  
“Don’t mention Leo at all if she asks what friend you’re going to tell her you’re going to Rich’s. Don’t bring up that he’s related to Leo. Leo is her doctor. She knows him well and while we’ve tried to convince her Leo is not nefarious she seems to have a lapse sometimes so if you could please just not say his name around her it would probably really help make sure she keeps her stability all right?” Da answered.

  
I nodded my head. So, he was going to try to hide it from her. Not just not talk about it but actually hide it from her. I wasn’t sure how well that would work considering he had been spending his night in a bed that wasn’t his even though my bed didn’t really feel like mine anymore either.

  
“You have a question baby?” He asked me shifting his weight forward resting his elbows on his knees leaning closer to me and even though there was more than ten feet between us I instinctively pulled back.

  
“Not really,” I answered.

  
“What’s the frown for then?” He asked me.

  
“Well, I’m off restrictions now and mum’s home. So, I was just wondering are you going to sleep in your own room tonight with her or if you were…” I took a deep breath trying to keep myself from visibly shaking, “If you were going to be up here with me.”  
“With her. She’s my wife after all and she just got home. I need her to feel comfortable, loved and wanted so I’m going to be spending at least the first part of every night with her for a while. For as long as it takes her to feel secure and stable,” he answered, “Don’t think I’ll forget about you. It’s very different you know? Being with a woman compared to being with you. You’re special. You feel better.”

  
“why?” I asked surprising myself, “Why do you think that?”

  
“Because it’s true,” he answered standing up and lowering himself to the floor on his knees. I felt my eyes go wide and he laughed a little bit, “One day you’ll understand. It feels different.”

  
He crawled towards me as I pulled my knees up into my chest closing my eyes hoping against my better judgement that he would leave me alone. I felt his hand on my knee as he pulled himself up so he was still on his knees but towering over me his hands on the wall above my head.

  
“Baby?” He said and I opened my eyes to find myself starting at his shirt until I titled my head up to look at his face, “You know I’ve missed you right?”

  
I bit my lip trying to keep myself calm. He wasn’t going to do this right now, right? He wasn’t going to make me do stuff right now. Not when mum just got home. Not when I had just recovered, not with everything going on. It was too much. Dealing with right now and then Leo tomorrow evening or afternoon or whenever he came to get me, it was too much.

  
“You seem nervous, are you ok?” He asked me grabbing my chin tilting my face upward so he could look directly into my eyes.

  
“Da please,” I said grabbing his thumb gently as it softly pressed into my lower jaw. I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want any of them to. I had felt almost comfortable with my body for a couple of weeks other than the physical pain and here I was getting ready to have that familiarity taken from me again. Knowing that he was going to force me to endure his touch, his hands-on parts of my body where they shouldn’t be. Where no adult should touch a child let alone a father touch his kid.

  
“Why are you so nervous baby?” He asked me, “Answer.”

  
“I just…” I huffed quietly, “I just, my body it felt almost… I don’t know. It was almost like being away at boarding school. Not having to worry about how weird I feel all the time. How my skin feels funny.”

  
“Oh baby,” Da said smiling at me, “You’re just feeling how much I love you. That’s all it is. I know it might be a little over powering sometimes, a little uncomfortable but imagine how lucky you are that we have that. That I love you that much you can feel me all the time. After your mum gets settled in I’m going to try and make sure I have a night with you once a week. We’ll work at it so you can still feel me even inside once we’re done ok?”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head. What exactly was I supposed to say to that? He wanted my skin crawling? He wanted me to dream about hurting myself? Because that’s what feeling them on my skin made me want so desperately. It made me want to not have a body at all because I couldn’t stand the feeling of anything else against my body.

  
“Good,” he said standing up, “I love you. You know that, right?”

  
“Yeah, I love you too,” I answered numbly staring straight ahead of me trying to stare through his knees and not at them.

  
I stayed in my room for a while. Stayed in that spot hoping that if I didn’t move it meant it wasn’t real. That I wasn’t going back to this. That I wasn’t going to just lay down and let them do stuff like that to me anymore. However, I knew I would. I would because I had to. Because it kept other people from getting hurt, because I didn’t have a choice. And, I feared maybe secretly because I wanted them to.

  
When I felt like he was probably gone, that he was probably downstairs and I knew Alice and Debbie had gone home for the night I went out into the hall and into the kitchen picking up the phone and dialing Pat’s number.

  
“Hello,” Pat answered quickly.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I just I’m so scared. Like I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel like everything is going to go so wrong again. I don’t want things to be wrong again. I don’t want to go to Leo’s house. I don’t want him to do that stuff. I don’t…I can’t explain it but I’m really really scared Pat. I’m really really scared and I don’t know how to calm down and I know there isn’t anything I can do to make it not happen,” I mumbled softly.

  
“I know. When you leave home just try and clear your head ok? Build a castle maybe build your own Hogwarts? Go on an adventure with Harry Potter?” Pat suggested, “Try to be somewhere else.”

  
“I haven’t done that since I was a kid it’s harder to now,” I admitted quietly.

  
“I know,” Pat said, “I realize that but I think you can do it. That you’ll be ok if you can do it, just go away in your head. And when you get to school on Monday I’ll be right there ok? We just have to get through to Wednesday and then it’s thanksgiving. And after that we have another week and then we’re on break until the 3rd. When we go back to school you’ll be 14 and March 3rd I’ll be 15. Who knows? Maybe suddenly you’ll become all beefy and muscled and they’ll stop.”

  
“I doubt it,” I said but just the thought made me smile.

  
“We can always hope, and then it’ll just be you and me,” he said.

  
“Sure,” I said blushing slightly.

  
“We’ll be ok. You can do this and I’m always going to be right here no matter what,” Pat assured me and I found myself nodding my head even though he couldn’t see me.

  
“Ok, I have to go. I think,” I said quietly.

  
“Rabbit?” Pat said quietly.

  
“Yeah?”

  
“I love you,” he said barely above a whisper.

  
I sighed with relief feeling myself somehow magically relax as the words left his mouth. Almost like he was breathing life into me, “I love you too.” I answered back my voice around the same volume as his.

  
“I’ll see you Monday ok?” He prompted.

  
“Of course, bye,” I said hanging up the phone and allowing myself to lean against the counter and breathe my head in my hands as I tried to keep myself from shaking, keep the bad feelings from chasing the calmness he had given away again.

  
I heard foot steps behind me but they were light. It was one of my siblings. Not that I felt much like talking but I was ready for it. I sighed turning around to find Will watching me cautiously.

  
“You want to watch something on TV?” He asked me.

  
“The only thing that’s really going to be on is friends or we can watch Nickelodeon,” I answered.

  
“True,” he said, “I was just thinking you might want the TV. If you don’t that’s fine I can turn it off sit up and read until it’s time for bed.”

  
“I think I’m going to do the same. Apparently, I have some catching up to do considering I’m only on like chapter 3,” I answered.

  
“Ok, goodnight,” Will told me.

  
“Yeah night,” I replied walking back down the hall and going to my room.

  
I ended up reading until mum popped her head in about an hour later around 9pm telling me it was time for bed. I allowed her to tuck me in and wish me goodnight before she headed downstairs. Getting up after she had gone and taking my sleeping pill and antianxiety pill I was supposed to take every night which put me into a dreamless sleep.


	36. 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ends up back in Leo's clutches. Leo who can't control himself making John feel unsure and unsafe once again. Desperate lonely and afraid causing Pat to worry about his mental health once again because John seems on the edge to the point where he might break. Leaving Pat to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 728 to 754. Now a lot of what John says seems very disorganized and it might be hard to follow what he's talking about however I feel like it fits his mental state in this chapter and helps communicate why Pat's so worried about him. When people are on the edge of a break down sometimes this thing happens called disorganized speech which is where someone can be talking about one thing and then forget what exactly they were talking about and switch topics in the middle of speaking, make up and say words that don't make sense and repeat words and phrases over and over again. This is some of what John is exhibiting which usually means someone is on the edge of a break down. If you'll notice it will seem like he's talking about his Da and then in the middle of the sentence he might switch and be talking about Leo so just keep that in mind if it gets confusing. Some good things happen in this chapter though so be aware of that. Pat does get him to calm down eventually **Warnings: Rape/non-con, anxiety, mental health issues, talk of abuse, delinquent behavior, consensual underage sex, consensual touching, consensual kissing, consensual oral sex, consensual anal fingering** There is a slang term in here that I've heard used in a certain setting Cato/Cati it means catatonic which is where you just shut down and don't move or speak.

When I woke up I still felt groggy. Something didn’t seem right. I wasn’t sure what it was but something was off and when I opened my bedroom door I found the house mostly empty, no one up and moving around. No note, nothing. I had no idea what was going on and I felt like maybe I was going crazy, my heart pounding in my chest as the lift turned on coming up to the floor. I held my breath hoping it wasn’t Da. Hoping that he wasn’t coming to give me to Leo, to tell me I had to leave early and go with him but somehow, I knew that’s what it was.

  
It wasn’t just Da that stepped off the elevator but Leo too causing me to freeze. I felt trapped like a wild dog being cornered by the dog catcher. Where was everyone else? This wasn’t happening; not right now. It couldn’t happen right now. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do this.

  
“Hi,” Leo smiled at me as I hugged myself knowing they were going to hurt me.

  
“Well are you going to say hi?” Da asked me.

  
“Hi,” I barely mumbled.

  
“Are you ready to go?” Leo asked me.

  
“I’m not dressed. I thought you weren’t coming until later,” I answered.

  
“Well mum and the kids are at the park we figured it would be easier this way, less of a scene. Because you know your mum is going to want you to stay to celebrate,” Da replied, “Come on. You’ll be back Monday after school. It’s not a big deal.”

  
“Please can’t I just stay home later this one time Da? I mean mum doesn’t come home every weekend,” I begged.

  
“You have stayed home the last three weekends and I have a contract with you. Don’t you want to spend time with me baby?” Leo said coming closer to me.

  
I wanted to back away but I knew they wouldn’t be happy if I did. That fighting them or pushing them away or seeming like I wasn’t going to listen would probably be a bad thing because they hadn’t been able to get a hold of me for three weeks but, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to go back to this.

  
“Should I go get dressed?” I asked quietly.

  
“No,” Leo said, “You don’t have to worry about clothes this weekend ok?”

  
I looked at my Da my eyes wide shaking my head, “Da please. Please just let me stay a little bit longer.”

  
“Leo wants you to go with him baby. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it ok? Mum will be here when you get back baby.” Da said, “Now don’t worry about clothes, all right? Just go, you’ll be all right. You know Leo.”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head not sure what else I could do. This felt like I was going to the Villa. Like he was going to take me there to be strapped down and tortured. I tried to make my face blank, make sure they couldn’t see the storm that was rolling around inside my head. I felt nervous and I knew they were aware of it but it seemed like they didn’t care at all.

  
We stepped into the elevator neither one of them touching me. Da and Leo both silent until we got into the kitchen then Da whispered something to Leo and patted him on the shoulder and he smiled and nodded his head in return before Leo grabbed me by the shoulders steering me out the door as Da held it open and leading me to SUV. That damn black SUV that always made me feel like he was going to murder me and bury my body out in the wetlands leaving it for the alligators and pythons to pick bare.  
Once we were settled in the car and I had my seat beat done up Leo started driving. The first light we got to he glanced over at me smiling lightly, “Don’t look so afraid baby. I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I just changed my mind about the movie is all.”

  
“I—I ju-just,” I swallowed trying again, trying to steady my voice, “I’m just afraid it’s going to hurt.”

  
“No, I won’t hurt. I’ll go nice and slow ok? You just need to tell me how it feels so I can make sure I don’t accidentally hurt you is all, because I really don’t ever want to hurt you. I love you. You’re important to me and I want it to feel good for you too,” Leo said to me.

  
I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it again. The words getting lost somewhere between my brain and my mouth. I sighed and tried again, “What if I don’t want to?” I asked.

  
“You know I enjoy when you make noise. You can say whatever you want as long as you don’t fight back ok?” He said to me.

  
I nodded my head. If he wasn’t going to object to it I was going to scream my head off. Even if he wouldn’t listen I was going to scream because I really didn’t want him on my skin. Didn’t want his hands and mouth against me making me feel sick to my stomach. The rest of the ride was silent.

  
Usually he asked me questions about things on the ride to his house but this time he had been quiet. It had me even more on edge wondering what he was going to do to me. He had said I wouldn’t be needing clothes which made me remember when we had first come to America, how my Da had kept me naked in his room for three months straight. How he had made me have sex with him every time he wanted me to. The thought that my weekend was going to be like that made me want to start crying and begging him not to right there. But, instead I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as he pulled into the garage, the massive door sliding closed behind us before we both got out and started up the stairs into the condo.

  
Once we got up the stairs he held out his hand expectantly and I already knew what he was doing it for. The same reason he did it every weekend. He wanted me to strip. Wanted my clothes off.

  
“Don’t look so scared beautiful ok? I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to see you.” Leo tried to coax me out of my clothes.

  
“Please?” I asked uncertainly not sure I wanted to part with my shirt, not after the comment he had made about how he couldn’t wait to see what I looked like under my clothes now that I had gained some weight and looked a little healthier.

  
“You know better. You can say no but you have to do what I tell you.” He said brushing his hand down my cheek his thumb nudging gently against my bottom lip making him inhale sharply in excitement.

  
The look in his eyes told me I wouldn’t last long. That once my clothes were off he had no plans to just look. I felt light headed grabbing the hem of my shirt but not moving to pull it up as I tried to prepare myself to be attacked.

  
“Hey just take a deep breath. Nice, slow deep breaths,” Leo said, “Here I’ll take off my clothes too ok?”

  
He pulled his t-shirt over his head revealing his bare torso which I didn’t often look at. No matter how often I had seen him naked I didn’t like looking at him. I didn’t like looking at any of them when they were with me.

  
If I shut my eyes it was easier to deal with. Easier not to have to see the looks on their faces even if I couldn’t shut out the way they were making me feel. I don’t remember looking at their bodies very often, just glancing at them making me feel dirty. Making me wish I had clothes on regardless of what they were doing to me because usually it meant if I could see them they could see me.

  
He undid his belt and jeans stepping out of them leaving them on the floor as he kicked his shoes off sighing impatiently. I still hadn’t moved my hands. I was still fingering the hem of my own t-shirt nervously. I really didn’t want to take off my clothes. The thought terrifying me knowing I had been here maybe five minutes and he was probably going to be violating me before we even made it into the living room let alone the bedroom.

  
“You’re so tense. Just relax,” he said grabbing my shirt and lifting it up for me pulling it forward and down my front letting it fall to the floor by his feet, “Yeah,” he breathed smiling happily nodding his head as he grabbed my waist squeezing my hips as he pushed me into the wall roughly his hands grabbing and pinching at my skin.

  
“No,” I barely moaned trying my hardest not to push him away, feeling my face flush as he pushed me into the wall. He buried his face in my neck nipping and licking at the sensitive skin there, “No, please, please,” I begged my face feeling like it was on fire as his hands moved to be in-between us undoing the draw string on my PJ pants easily. Causing them to slip down my legs to the floor as he started massaging me through my underwear.

  
“No, Leo please,” I begged again. My whole body shaking as it got harder to breath, his kissing and biting getting more aggressive as he grabbed me by the arms leading me away from the wall where I was leaning and walking me backwards towards the couch.

  
“It’s ok,” he told me as he forced me to lay down on the couch, “I’m just going to make you feel good ok?”

  
“No, Leo. I don’t want to,” I begged shaking my head, closing my eyes tightly because I knew he wouldn’t listen. I knew that I had to as I felt his hands petting my face and hair.

  
“It’s ok. God you’re so perfect,” he breathed up against my sternum. His hands slowly rolling my briefs down my hips exposing my brand. He started to kiss down my body, biting as I started crying.

  
“No Leo please, please don’t,” I begged trying to calm myself down. Trying to stop myself from shaking as he bit my right nipple lightly, sucking on it playfully. He pinched my left one in-between his fingers causing my eyes to bug out as my skin started to tingle that cold flaring up under my skin.

  
“God, I worship you baby. You’re so beautiful, so perfect,” he breathed into my nipple as his kisses continued to trail down my body. I gripped the arm of the couch that was under my head wishing I could stop the tears from running down my face even though I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

  
It seemed like the more I cried the more praises he whispered. The more excited he got, cooing to me, telling me how good I was being. His hands moved down my sides, his tongue finding its way into my belly button. He nipped, playing with the skin there as well as the skin around my brand.

  
“Yeah?” He asked as I whimpered when he started kissing above my base. It was bad enough his hands and mouth had to be everywhere else. I didn’t want it there too. I didn’t want his hands to go there.

  
“Leo please. Please don’t. Don’t do that. Please god, please don’t. Please, please, I’ll do anything else but that. Please not that, please,” I begged before I could stop myself. My words barely understandable.

  
“Shhh, it’s ok baby. It’s ok, I’m going to make you feel really good. I promise, I’m not going to hurt you,” he said coming up to me, bringing his face level with mine. He finally slid my briefs down my legs throwing them to the floor getting on his knees in front of me. He sighed as I sprang loose from the restriction, “My knees are going to be killing me later but I can’t help it. You’re too perfect. This is why I don’t have shower sex though. I blew out my knee playing football in college tore my ACL. So, a lot of kneeling and being on my knees doesn’t feel that great. But for this view, this…” he licked my pelvic bone making me flinch, “taste I’ll do it. I’d do it anytime you asked me to. I love you so much baby.”

  
“Then why won’t yo….,” I froze mid-word the coldness creeping up into my hairline as he took my cock in his hands and started rubbing.

  
“That’s how I get you to go quiet, huh?” He asked smiling. That look in his eyes, “You can still make noise you know? I love the sounds you make, I love them so much baby. I love you so much. You’re so perfect, so good to me.”

  
I tried to close my mouth but found even breathing difficult. I was sweating and shaking, panting. Everything about my body feeling foreign and gross. I was unable to catch my breath, his hands stroking up and down my length slowly as I became more and more aroused.

  
“And that,” he said cupping my balls playing with them in his hands, “Is how I know you want me too baby. How hard you are right now, the look in your eyes like a deer caught in head lights. So, beautiful.” I felt his lips slide around me making me moan loudly out of shock because of the sudden feeling of wetness. An electric current sparking from my groin through the rest of my body.

  
He played with me, his fingers sliding in and out of me as he opened his throat to take all of me into his mouth. He sucked until I climaxed. My body over stimulated. Eventually he stopped wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand after swallowing loudly. He climbed on top of me, reaching for something on the table behind the couch which turned out to be Vaseline.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “No, no no,” I said trying to push him off of me already having dealt with too much.

  
He grabbed my arms pinning them above my head, squeezing my wrist. His body weight fully laying into me pressing me into the couch tightly, “I’m going to forgive you for that because it’s been a while and I was kind of over excited there a little bit. But now it’s my turn to feel good and you feel beyond amazing inside, baby. Don’t push me away. You know better. You do and I will break both your fucking arms. You understand me?” He said making sure I was looking him in the eyes.

  
He was deadly serious his eyes promising he would do that and much worse if I tried that again. I swallowed trying to calm myself down nodding my head as he let go of my arms. I didn’t want to keep doing this. Especially not here but my legs felt like jello and I knew he wasn’t going to be patient enough to move to the bedroom. He generously coated himself in the sticky clear jelly that was so hard to get off and out of just about anything. I still hate that shit. He slowly started pushing into me making me whimper loudly again.

  
“I know baby. I know but, you feel so good. So, tight. You’re perfect, god you’re so prefect. You taste good. You feel good. Everything about you is amazing,” he breathed head butting my shoulder, biting and sucking on the skin there.

  
Each thrust brought him farther inside of me until he was balls deep. Then he stopped for a minute before he rolled his hips snapping them backwards pulling out of me before burying himself deep into me again causing me to moan again as he hit my prostate surprising me.

  
He grabbed my hips forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist increasing the amount of contact, the friction making the whole world feel like it was rocking back and forth around me. I bit into my lip trying to keep from crying out again but finding it almost impossible to breathe through my nose, to keep my mouth closed as I panted.

  
“Fuck yeah baby, oh god yes,” Leo moaned before forcing his tongue into my open mouth. Making me kiss him, his one hand still on my hip as he pushed harder into me.

  
the sound of skin slapping against skin getting louder as the whole world kept moving. Kept rocking back and forth each little nudge against my prostate becoming a long stroke, causing me to come close to climax again. I tried my hardest not to make any sound and failed. My body eventually contracting and muscles clamping down around him as I was hit with an orgasm coating our stomachs with my fluid as he came inside of me. He collasped on top of me before forcing more kisses on my neck and shoulders, telling me how much he loved me. How good I felt, how good I tasted and how amazing I was. I just laid there tried to catch my breath, my eyes half lidded from exhaustion. My body covered in a thin film of sweat.

  
“Perfect baby, so perfect,” he breathed against my skin before using the couch to help himself up. He left me laying there, the leather sticking to my back as my breathing started to slow. When he came back he had a bottle of water with him and he offered it to me. I shook my head careful not to push him away.

  
“Come on baby, it’s ok,” Leo said, “There isn’t anything to be upset about. We both had a great time.” He sighed when I didn’t respond running a hand through my hair, “What’s wrong baby? Talk to me.”

  
“C-c-ca-caan I-I h-h-h-have clothes now?” I barely managed to get out my teeth almost chattering because my lips were trembling.

  
“How about I start the bath and you can clean yourself off ok?” He said and I closed my eyes exhaling deeply nodding my head in response.

  
While I didn’t want anything from him if he was drawing me a bath his wasn’t touching me. Wasn’t looking at me my body which was still twitching as aftershocks rippled under my skin, making me feel gross and dirty. Making me feel like a whore.

  
I don’t know what it was but that sour feeling in the back of my throat happened and I barely managed to make it over to the kitchen sink before I started throwing up. My knees shaking as I held onto the counter to stay up right vomiting until I was dry heaving. Until there was nothing in my stomach, then I turned on the water to flush it down the drain rinsing my mouth out with the cold water.

  
When I was done I sat in a chair at the dining table waiting for Leo to come back out into the living room putting my hands over the back of my neck leaning my face into the wood of the table. I remember feeling like I was just trying to hold it together, trying to keep my fingers interlaced behind my neck so I didn’t start scratching at my skin. So, I didn’t start trying to claw my way out of my body, away from that feeling of his mouth being on me, of his dick inside of me as I tried my hardest to keep all of my screams inside my lips still trembling.

  
“Ok come on baby,” he said from behind me as I tensed. He laid a hand gently on my shoulder before he leaned down and kissed it, “Here, let me help.”

  
He grabbed my elbow helping me support my weight on legs that still felt like jello and walked me into the bathroom helping me lower myself into the bath tub. I sighed wrapping my arms around myself not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to be near him or to feel his eyes on me anymore. To know he was seeing what we had done. That he was enjoying it, basking in it while I was trying to will it away.

  
“Want me to leave for a little while?” He asked me suddenly causing me to look at him.

  
“Will you please?” I managed to ask my voice actually steady.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “No problem. Just come out when you’re done, all right? I love you John. You really are perfect. You know?”

  
He didn’t wait for me to reply. Not that I had one to give as he turned and quietly closed the door behind him. When he was gone I bit into my arm to muffle my scream reminding myself I couldn’t claw. That biting needed to be enough. That if I did too much I might draw attention to it because it wasn’t like I could hide it from anyone. Not when I didn’t have clothes to cover myself up with.

  
When I knew I wasn’t going to scream anymore I unhooked my jaw from my flesh. My teeth hurting slightly from the release of pressure. I looked. There were deep indents in my skin from my teeth and there was going to be a bruise but I hadn’t drawn blood. I wanted to. I wanted to see the blood run, to turn my bath a murky pink. To let what we had done out from under my skin but I knew I couldn’t. That to do it would be a bad idea.

  
I sighed reaching my now steadier hands out and grabbing the wash cloth scrubbing my skin until the water was cold and my fingers were wrinkled and then I finally allowed myself to pull the leaver that would release the water allowing it free to run along the plumbing down into the sewer. Allowing it the freedom I felt I’d never have. I sighed grabbing the towel and standing up drying myself off and going back into the bedroom.

  
“Ok, well I’m going to go shower and then I’ll be back all right baby?” He asked me and I nodded my head not daring to look up at him. Not wanting to see that look in his eyes. Not wanting to know what he was planning after he got done cleaning himself up.

  
I curled myself into the fetal position. I could feel my body shaking half from the cold of being naked and still slightly wet the other half from shame. From being a whore. I knew I couldn’t cry. If I cried I wouldn’t be able to stop. If I cried it made it real. He was gone maybe 15 minutes before he came back into the room turning off the light in the bathroom and the night stand lamp as he crawled into bed behind me, his hand snaking over my hip as he pressed into me making me shake harder.

  
“Shhh, it’s ok baby no more tonight, all right? I just want to hold you,” he said kissing in-between my shoulder blades pulling his hand back and running it through my hair as I closed my eyes trying to breathe. Trying to build my castle so I could be some place safe, someplace away from him even though he was pressed against my back.

  
I closed my eyes focusing on building the walls of gray stone, the floors of white marble. I focused on a grand stair case made of the same marble. The ends of the railing spiraling upward into points as the stairs sloped outward into the foyer. A grandfather clock made of deep cherry wood at the center as they ascended onto another level. I carved out every detail in my mind to the last rose petal in the garden like I hadn’t focused on since I was a little boy. A little boy trying to escape his father grinding against his back. At some point my focus became a dream. A dream where I didn’t feel Leo against me anymore. Where it was just me inside my castle. It’s walls looming above me, protecting me and shutting them all out. Making it so I could breathe. With that thought I rested.

  
I felt the covers being pulled off of me before I opened my eyes. I wasn’t ready to wake up yet. I Hadn’t been sleeping very long. My brain hadn’t been able to settle until it was safe and it’s made up fortress was complete.

  
I felt his hand on my hip seconds before his mouth went around me and my eyes snapped open. Somehow, I managed to control myself. To fist the sheets and let him do what it was he wanted it getting harder to breathe by the second as he pulled my body closer and closer to orgasm. I bit into my lip but that didn’t keep me from moaning as my body drove forward, pushing outwards and over the edge into that feeling that always made me wish I was dead, leaving me gasping and limp.

  
He sat up smiling his eyes sparkling as he started licking and kissing up my body, “Good morning baby,” he said kissing my neck as I turned my head away from him.

  
He sighed heavily, “What? I personally think getting a blowie is an awesome way to start the day. Am I wrong?”

  
I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to look at him. He hadn’t even given me the chance to say no. To tell him I didn’t want to. He had just taken advantage of my body’s early morning state without allowing me even the small protest that I usually got to make.

  
“Are you going to speak or just look at me like I’m the ghost of your grandmother?” Leo asked me.

  
“My Gran isn’t dead,” I answered.

  
“He speaks. Good morning baby,” he said again.

  
“Morning,” I answered.

  
“I am so tempted to take you out today but, I also feel compelled to keep you just like you are right now. Naked sleepy and beautiful,” he said kissing my cheek as he stood up and started rifling through his dresser pulling clothes out for himself.

  
“I’d like clothes,” I said reaching to the foot of the bed and grabbing the covers, pulling them up to my chest and holding them there so that I wasn’t exposed.

  
“I’m sure you would, yes. But, honestly, I think you have no idea how beautiful you are. You shouldn’t want to hide that,” he answered.

  
“I’m not a girl you know?” I said to him.

  
I always felt so small when they called me that. Like I was some type of freak somewhere in-between man and woman and sometimes I swear they thought of me the same way. The things they said, the things they did and made me do. It was embarrassing.  
“Now, that you are not. You are a very very attractive young man,” he said to me pulling a t-shirt over his head and coming to sit next to me on the bed, “Why do you think a young man can’t be beautiful?”

  
“I don’t know. That’s just what people say to girls,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Well you are a beautiful boy. When I call you beautiful it’s because there’s something a little bit more to you that handsome doesn’t quiet describe. That look of ecstasy in your eyes when your eyelids flutter and your face turns red, how your lips are slightly open when you’re trying to catch your breath as I kiss you. Those things make you beautiful. Those things make you something more than handsome. Even when you become a man I’m pretty sure you’ll still be very beautiful,” Leo said sitting down next to me causing me to tense and move away slightly.

  
“Sorry,” I said as his eyes darkened for a second at my reaction, at me pulling away. I didn’t do it on purpose and I didn’t want to deal with his anger if it was something he thought I had done on purpose.

  
“It’s ok,” he said his hand cupping my cheek making me look at him, “I know sometimes we react without thinking. I’m not upset. You just have to get used to me again is all. Get used to the fact I want to look at you, touch you. Make you feel good.”

  
My face flushed and I looked away. When he said make you feel good he meant give you a blow job, suck you off. He didn’t really mean make me feel good, just make me come. When your body doesn’t listen to you it doesn’t feel good. It feels the very opposite of anything good. The fact that I couldn’t control my body bothered me. The fact that anything could get me hard. But they didn’t care. None of them cared and they constantly used it against me.

  
Before I could stop him, he was on top me of me his inner thighs squeezing my hips, applying pressure to keep me in place. He forced his tongue past my lips giving me no choice but to kiss back, the shivering that always rippled through my body starting to happen. His hand slid up and down my rib cage, the fingers of his other hand lacing their way into my hair.

  
I moaned into his mouth grabbing his forearm lightly, making sure I didn’t try to push him away or buck him off but letting him know I wasn’t ok with it. That this was something I didn’t want to do. His hand slid down to my hip making slow circles against my skin as he broke the kiss allowing me to breathe, his mouth moving to my neck.

  
“Please Leo,” I begged my whole body feeling frozen, weak.

  
“It’s ok baby,” he told me, “I know we just got done but you’re so perfect. So, beautiful,” He breathed into my collar bone.

  
“No,” I whined loudly.

  
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to have sex with him. He had just gotten dressed, I had just woken up. He had just blown me and I was still feeling tired and shaky and didn’t want him touching me. I wanted a shower and clothes and somewhere I didn’t have to be near him.

  
“It’s ok baby,” Leo said reaching down undoing the pants he had just put on uncovering his very evident hard on.

  
“Leo please don’t,” I begged.

  
“It’s ok baby,” he said continuing to kiss my neck, “I know I just got dressed but then I thought about how prefect you are. The way you feel,” he said reaching over and grabbing the bottle of lube on the night stand before smearing it all over himself. Lining up to push into me.

  
“NO Leo that’s going to hurt. Don’t do it that way! please don’t do it like that,” I begged him biting back my tears.

  
“Shhh…just relax and it won’t hurt. I promise I’ll go slow ok? Just relax,” he said as he started pushing his way into me.

  
“NO NO NO NO STOP IT! IT HURTS! STOP,” I screamed as he ignored me, muttering swearing in excitement under his breath.

  
“There we go,” he said making his way inside, the fullness stealing my breath. Making me hate myself as he rolled his hips pulling out before his inward thrusts hit against my prostate. I felt my eyes go wide as I tried to relax. As I tried to make it not hurt as badly as it did, my body having not been ready for the intrusion.

  
“God yes baby you feel so amazing,” he muttered running a hand through my hair and over my face as I closed my eyes trying to shut him out. Trying to shut out the way my body was starting to respond with every up thrust against my prostate.  
It didn’t take him that long at all. To finish and pull out him using his hand to finish me before he got up happily sighing in satisfaction, “See? It didn’t hurt so bad after I found the right spot. Did it?”

  
I nodded my head my brain feeling numb, stomach queasy. I hated admitting that. Admitting that after he found the right spot it hadn’t hurt so bad, hadn’t burned as much as he pushed into me. I sighed rolling over onto my side curling into a ball again.  
“I’ll go make us something to eat all right? I’ll bring your meds so you can take them. Just relax. You’re so good baby I can’t help myself. You know that, right?” He asked looking at me stroking my head again as I tried my best to stare through him. To slow my breathing down.

  
He sighed getting up and leaving the room as he pulled the covers over me. At some point, he brought me eggs and bacon, telling me that I had better eat before making sure my anti-anxiety medication was set out on the night stand next to a bottle of water. He mumbled something about needing to do some paperwork and left to me lay there.

  
I don’t really remember watching tv but I don’t remember sleeping either, him coming in at some point a couple hours later and doing the same thing again. Telling me how good I was. How I was such a good boy because I didn’t fight back. Making me feel sick. Making me want to fight back but knowing better than to actually try. Most of my weekend with him was spent that way. Him doing things about the house that needed to get done while I laid in bed naked wishing he wouldn’t come back.

  
I remember thinking of mum at home and how much I wanted to be there with her. Talk to her, have her talk to me and maybe take my mind off things. Make me feel better, happier and how much I wanted to be with Pat. How much I just needed to hear his voice. To hear him tell me it was ok. That I was just doing what I needed to. That it didn’t mean I wanted it. That there was nothing wrong with me for not wanting to be hit and strangled and beaten on top of everything else Leo did to me. That he loved me and I wasn’t a whore or a freak.

  
That was my whole weekend trapped in his bed underneath him. He set an alarm. When it went off he would come to see me. Climb on top of me. He kept whispering those words into my skin how perfect I was, how beautiful I was. How he wanted to make me feel good. How he wanted to touch every inch of me and he did.

  
He did it Over and over and over again. Until I couldn’t think anymore. Until I couldn’t feel anymore. He didn’t let me do anything but eat, and shower and sleep for a couple of hours and then wake me up again when the alarm went off, doing it some more until my whole body felt like it was on fire stringing and burning with every move.

  
When Monday came around I was tired. My brain fuzzy Leo having woken me up a couple different time during the night telling me that he needed to have me because he would be without me all week. That he loved me and how perfect I was. Raping me to the point of exhaustion before he actually let me get any decent sleep and then “taking care” of me before he let me shower and get dressed for school.

  
When he dropped me off in front of the school I was numb. My body making me feel sick making me not want to be alive. I saw Pat and he smiled warmly at me before reading my expression and he knew. I knew he knew. His face falling as he looked at me.  
“How bad?” He asked quietly.

  
I tried to speak but I found it hard to breathe let alone get my voice to work. I could still feel Leo inside me, under my skin and I knew what Finick would want. That he would want to press against me in the dark and how McClairen would look at me like he always did. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t even deal with the thought of dealing with it and Pat could see it written all over my face.

  
“Ok Rabbit, all right,” he said grabbing his back pack and throwing it over his second shoulder, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  
“I—I,” I swallowed trying to find my voice, “He’ll have someone beat me again.”

  
“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “No he won’t. You want to know why? We’re going to go see Vic. If they really wanted you back at school they wouldn’t have let Leo do this to you, ok?”

  
“I don’t want to go see Vic. What do you think Vic can do?” I hissed as Pat took a step towards me and I took a step back.

  
“Ok,” Pat put his hands up in front of him where I could see them, “Ok let’s go to the bird house then. Just you and me all right? No Vic.”

  
“No,” I said, “He’ll let that guy come back again. He’ll hurt me.”

  
“No, he won’t Rabbit. I swear it to you ok?” Pat said, “He’ll hurt me. He won’t hurt you.”

  
“No, that won’t work,” I said starting to panic, “He’ll do it and he’ll show everyone. He’ll make me show everyone and I can’t again. I can’t do it again.”

  
“Rabbit do what?” Pat asked his eyes getting darker with worry by the second.

  
“He showed all of them. I don’t even think they were brotherhood. He made me and he showed all of them,” I mumbled not sure how to explain what I meant. Not sure I could say it.

  
“Ok, come on we’re going to go for a walk before the bell rings. We’re going to get out of here. Please? You know you can trust me. You’re safe with me all right?” Pat said.

  
I sighed nodding my head. He was right. I could trust him. I knew I could trust him, that he wouldn’t ever hurt me. However, I felt like he was going to take me to Vic anyway. Vic who I still didn’t’ trust. Vic who I was still weary of.

  
We walked quickly making sure we were way back in the woods before the bell rang. I knew I would probably pay for this but I couldn’t deal with them. I knew if I had to deal with them I would end up going crazy. Once we were far enough into the woods he stopped in front of me.

  
He turned around and sighed, “Can you tell me what happened now? What do you mean he showed all of them?”

  
“He said there was a web camera hooked to the internet and he made me,” I started feeling myself shake not wanting to talk about it.

  
“When was this?” He asked me quietly.

  
“After the party. After Dick and Chad and Lou and Dobbs,” I answered.

  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked me.

  
“Because I’m…I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen but that’s how Allan found me. He saw me, on the webcam and then he started talking to me. He hurt me. He beat me. And I don’t want to go anywhere near Vic so don’t take me there. I’d rather be beat by Allan again then risk…” Pat cut me off.

  
“What happened with Vic? Rabbit why have you been keeping secrets? What’s going on? What happened?” Pat asked me.

  
“He said he had to. I believe him, I just I didn’t want him to do that. And now every time I looked at him, I think about it. I don’t like being near him ok? I just, he makes me nervous. I’m trying. I really am trying but it’s hard. Because I trusted him and then I know he felt like he didn’t have a choice but I feel like he could have done something different then what he did so I don’t know. I just, I can’t get past it yet,” I said.

  
“What did he do?” Pat asked me.

  
“It’s not important,” I said feeling my face flush.

  
“Your face and nervous tick are telling me otherwise. Does he know how upset you are about whatever it was?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah. We’re working on it I just, I can’t get past the feeling of…I hate it when they do that. It’s almost as bad as when they blow me,” I stammered.

  
“He tossed your salad?” Pat asked his eyes wide, “Jesus fucking Christ!”

  
“I probably would have said that had I been able to speak. I can’t Pat he, Leo he… he did it a lot. I can still feel him inside of me. I don’t want to be able to feel him anymore. When I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore he just kept going. He set an alarm and every time it went off if he wanted to he did. It was like that all weekend long and so now it just I feel gross ok? I can’t deal with Finick and Gus today. I just can’t but if I don’t go to school then he’s going to make sure I have to deal with Allan. And Allan is going to hurt bad,” I managed to stammer as I allowed Pat to finally hug me, to hold me.

  
“Allan is not coming near you. Trust me Leo just got you back. He’s not going to just give that up to punish you. Vic isn’t going to hurt you and he’s not going to be mad at you ok? Vic is someone I won’t leave you alone with until I know for sure you are comfortable around him but I think it would be a good idea for us to go talk to him. He’s on house calls today. His apartment isn’t too far away all right? It’s early I’m sure he hasn’t even left the house today ok? Please?” Pat begged me holding me close.

  
“You won’t leave me alone with him?” I asked quietly.

  
“No, never ok? Not until you feel ok. I promise,” Pat said kissing my forehead.

  
“Ok, I’ll go then,” I answered nodding my head, “Why are we going there though?”

  
“In case people start poking around because we’re not at school. That way Vic can say you had a panic attack or something and fled but came straight to him. That way you won’t get into as much trouble as we would if we just snuck off ok?” Pat explained.

  
“Ok,” I answered.

  
“Can I ask you something?” Pat said looking at me as he let me go and we started walking again, him holding my hand.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“What do you mean by a lot? Do you know how often the alarm went off?” Pat questioned.

  
“Every two hours from like 7am until midnight I didn’t get to his house until around noon on Friday but if you noticed I wasn’t in mass on Sunday but from the moment I got there once every two hours,” I answered.

  
“I’m sorry he did that to you,” Pat said quietly, “Man one day I swear I’ll kill them. All of them and we’ll get away from here and we’ll never turn back. I promise.”

  
“Don’t promise that. You don’t know if that will ever happen,” I said.

  
“You’re right for all I know I could die tomorrow but I can promise you that if I do ever get old enough to get away I’ll want to take you with me,” Pat said.

  
“I know, I’d want to go with you but I have little brothers and sisters that I wouldn’t leave behind. You know that, not unless I knew they were safe and with mum. The way she is now and Da being Da I don’t see that ever happening though,” I answered, “However, I would love to go somewhere with you.”

  
“I know it’s wishful thinking. I wishfully think about a lot of things,” Pat said smiling mischievously and I laughed and elbowed him in the ribs lightly.

  
“You are a dirty, dirty boy,” I replied.

  
“You can’t tell me you don’t think about it,” he said raising an eyebrow at me, “We’d be …without the camera in our faces. It could be nice. Just think about it.”

  
“With the camera, it wasn’t bad just…they ruined it for me a little bit. You know that, right?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah and I wish they hadn’t. I hate thinking that they took that from you, from us,” Pat said just as we crossed the woods and made it out to a road that didn’t seem busy. It seemed rather quiet and that had me worried until I noticed it was the road leading into an apartment complex. One I hadn’t seen before but obviously was big and fancy.

  
“Me too. I wanted to enjoy it. It felt really different from them, from the stuff they do. You felt warm. You always feel so warm. I miss it when I think about it. About how warm you always feel,” I answered.

  
“Hey, don’t be sad Rabbit. We’ll get a chance just you and me ok? Just you and I together and we’ll both feel warm and they won’t ruin it. I promise,” he said as we came up to an apartment door and Pat knocked.

  
“Hold on!” I heard Vic shout from inside the apartment before the door opened, “Aren’t you supposed to be in school Pat? Hey, John. Why are you both here?”

  
“He said he couldn’t deal today and I wasn’t going to make him. I figured at least this way you can say he seemed out of it. Like he couldn’t handle it today,” Pat said.

  
“Come in,” he said stepping aside letting us into the apartment.

  
It seemed like everything was done in light blue and black leather. Pictures hanging on the walls, one of them was a painting of three boys naked bent over a crab next to a row boat and while the boys were naked it didn’t seem obscene. It just seemed odd and looking at it made my throat go dry. It was weird to see that, to see that and know why it was probably on his wall.

  
“That was a gift from Mr. Lord,” Vic said quietly, “I’m not into boys like that. You know that. We’ve talked about it.”

  
He gestured at the painting. I wasn’t sure what exactly to say closing my eyes trying to calm myself down. He said he didn’t like little boys but I had trouble believing that because he was in the brotherhood and he didn’t seem nearly as resistant to doing what he did to me.

  
“John please. You know I did it because I had to. I can see it in your face you don’t want to be here but please just focus on why you are here and talk to me. Obviously Pat thinks you need to be here. I really am sorry I had to do that and I won’t do it again if I can help it, I promise,” Vic said.

  
“Vic, I think that whatever happened you and him need to talk about it,” Pat said, “It’s, he doesn’t trust you.”

  
“Yeah and he won’t for a little bit. Did you really tell him John?” Vic said his face starting to blush red.

  
“Yes, he really told me. Why do you think he wouldn’t?” Pat asked.

  
“Look Patrick I’m not proud that I had to do that but if I wouldn’t have it would have gotten around and I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you right now. I’d be dead. They don’t mess around if they think you are not loyal,” Vic told Pat.

  
“I know but him? Really him? Out of everyone you had to do it to him? You know they don’t leave him alone. You know the type of things they say to him?” Pat hissed his eyes flashing.

  
“Pat, would it make you feel better to hit me? And yes, I know they don’t leave him alone. I have no idea what they say to him but the things they say about him aren’t things I would care to repeat either,” Vic said, “If you think punching me will make either of you feel better please do so. I won’t hit you back. I won’t tell anyone. I’ll let you get it out of your systems.”

  
“I’m right here you know. I know what they say about me. I’m not stupid. I know they say I taste good that I’m beautiful, that I feel good inside, that I’m perfect that they could….”

  
“Hey Rabbit you’re shaking. Calm down ok,” Pat said looking at me, “Calm down. You’re safe. It’s me, it’s Pat.”

  
“He kept going you know? All weekend. He made me keep going over and over and over and over and over. And I couldn’t anymore. I just wanted him to stop and he kept telling me how beautiful I am and how prefect I am and how much he missed me, missed being…it hurt,” I mumbled.

  
“Did he give you your anxiety…” Vic said before Pat interrupted him.

  
“THEY ARE DRIVING HIM FUCKING CRAZY! HE CAN’T DO THIS VIC AND YOU KNOW IT! HE’S GOING TO HURT HIMSELF AGAIN IF THEY DON’T STOP!” Pat shouted.

  
“When you say keep going what do you mean John?” Vic asked me.

  
“Every time that alarm went off. He didn’t even wait for me to get there really. He made me take my clothes off at the door and then he didn’t even get me into the bedroom. He pushed me down and he made me. I hate the things they say, the way they feel. I still feel him you know?” I mumbled into my lap sitting down on Vic’s couch.

  
“What do you mean John?” Vic asked me.

  
“Feel,” I swallowed trying to get rid of the lump in my throat, not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to talk about how I could still feel him pushing up inside of me, feel his spunk in me. His lips against my skin and how badly I wanted it all to just go away, “Feel it. It’s almost like I couldn’t wash it away, like I always feel dirty right but. It’s like I just can’t get it off of me.”

  
“Wait are you saying he didn’t use protection?” Pat asked.

  
My eyes snapped up my face burning red. That wasn’t normal? I mean I knew they were all about safe play as the brotherhood liked to call it. But I didn’t know that it was something they were usually strict about. My Da never used protection and neither did Leo which was probably why I reacted to them more so then I did anyone else. Why I hated them the most. Having that dripping down the back of your legs, that sticky horrible feeling that never came off your skin mixed with the greasiness of Vaseline was beyond horrible.

  
“It could in his contract. As long as Leo plays safe with everyone else it’s not against the by-laws,” Vic answered Pat.

  
“No,” Pat shook his head raking a hand though his hair, “No. You know how…” Vic stopped Pat.

  
“Yes, common practice is for Dad’s to never really care if it’s their son. It’s happened to all of us at least once I promise,” Vic said his face a little pasty, “If he’s not though I’m going to start testing you monthly. If I ever find anything any STI’s that can make your contract null all right John? But you have to let me run the test once a month. Would you be ok with that?” He asked me.

  
“It’s just a blood test, right?” I asked.

  
“Not a full a work up, no. It involves some pretty invasive things sometimes,” Vic answered and I sighed.

  
That meant a swab. While I’d had one swab before Vic had knocked me out for it and my mum had been there. I couldn’t imagine letting Vic anywhere that close my ass or other parts ever let alone to stick something in me.

  
“Last time you got that close your tongue wound up somewhere I really didn’t want it and I don’t ever want anyone’s tongue to ever be,” I hissed.

  
“I understand that but if you let me, if there is even a hint that he gave you something. An infection of some kind, I can get you out of your contract and he would be on suspension. That means no parties for him. He wouldn’t be touching anyone. He wouldn’t be a threat to anyone as long as that happened,” Vic explained.

  
“Yeah but only if Leo gave him like the clap,” Pat said, “You really want to invade his space on the off-chance Leo might give him something that he shouldn’t? That and Honestly, I don’t picture Leo or Connor playing fast and loose with anything ever. My Da constantly whines because he’s not allowed near him, hardly ever and you know how sick that is? Knowing that your Dad has a raging boner for your boyfriend? That he complains because he’s not allowed to…”

  
“Boyfriend?” Vic questioned at the same time I looked at Pat closely.

  
I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Sure, we had kind of said it before but not like that and not in front of anyone other than Will and Cole. It felt weird to hear him call me that especially since I had come back from Montana. Especially since we had agreed we would try not to get involved even though we had failed horribly at it.

  
“It was a slip, sorry,” Pat murmured, “Are you pissed?”

  
“I’ll pretend it didn’t happen,” Vic said, “However, be very careful about your slips. Has anyone heard you call him that besides me?”

  
“No,” Pat said the bridge of his nose and cheeks flushing pink, “I haven’t even used it in front of him before.”

  
“Is that true?” Vic asked turning to me.

  
“Yeah, it’s true. He hasn’t ever called me that before,” I answered honestly.

  
“Good don’t say it again Pat. Not unless it’s just you and John alone all right? One slip like that could cost you everything if it’s in front of the wrong person,” Vic said sharply the stern tone of his voice evident.

  
“I know Vic. Trust me, it was just a slip because I don’t know, that’s how I see him I guess? Even though I never say it,” Pat said looking at me.

  
Just having him look at me made me feel safe, warm. He could always do that. Make me feel like he was holding me by just looking at me. I sighed finally starting to feel relaxed for the first time since Thursday when they told me I was medically clear to go back to school, back to life.

  
“Good, so you haven’t been near Hank lately? How long do you think it’s been?” Vic asked me.

  
“I don’t know. A while, not that it really matters because Leo’s worse, Da’s worse,” I answered, “I just want it to stop. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in forever and just like that he took it away. I just hope that Da doesn’t make me you know… because Mum is home now. However, I doubt he’d be nice enough to do that.”

  
“I’m sorry Rabbit,” Pat said hugging me and I leaned into him allowing myself to relax against his body, to try and let go of some of the tension I had been carrying around.

  
“You look really tired John,” Vic sighed, “Ok guys here’s the deal, you can spend the day here. If anyone asks I’ll say John had a major break down at school and took off and you followed him. Feel free to eat some of my food. I’ll leave you 30 for a pizza, don’t leave my house though. When you do leave please lock up even though I’ll take John home if you wait until 2:30. I will talk to your Dad ok John? I will tell him that you weren’t ready, that Leo was a little over zealous and see if I can get him to hold back.”

  
“A LITTLE?!” Pat scoffed, “A little? You heard what he said, Leo could hardly wait until the door was closed to rape him and then he raped him every two fucking hours. You know how many times that is over a weekend? That’s like two dozen times or more Vic. You know how crazy that would make anyone?”

  
“Yes, I realize. Do you even know what Leo is like?” Vic asked, “Other then what I’ve told you?”

  
“He’s like my Da,” I answered quietly, “He says things horrible things all the time, like I’ve told you. He tries really hard to make my body… you know.”

  
“And yet your Da contracted you to him?” Pat asked me, “Why would he do that?”

  
“Apparently Leo has connections to other chapters. Tokyo, Budapest, some connections to other groups and John has been getting a lot of attention because of his videos. Outsiders will pay a lot of money to spend time with him. There’s a lot of chatter none of you guys hear. There’s a guy in Tokyo that is trying very hard to get a lot of money together to spend some time with John.”

  
“When you say time, what do you mean?” Pat asked.

  
“I mean something I am trying very hard to prevent ok? Not kill just keep for a little while. No Leo, no Connor, just John by himself and you know how badly that ends for some people. I don’t want it and I know you two don’t want it so please, be careful. You think Leo is bad? This guy is worse. He’ll video tape every time and share it with whoever he wants. He’ll withhold food. He’ll lock John in a room in a box where he can’t move or hear or speak and he’ll do whatever it is he wants until John will be begging for a gun so he can eat it. He’ll put him in a Chasity belt. You know how long people last after that happens? Maybe five years on average if they’re lucky. I don’t want to put a time limit like that on John. John, you’re a good kid. You’re a really really good person and you don’t deserve that so please trust me when I say that you need to try and be careful. That Leo is not the worst that can happen,” Vic warned us.

  
“When you mean a box, you mean a real box. With the blind fold and the ear plugs like they did before. I can’t do that again,” I said quietly.

  
“When did that happen?” Vic asked.

  
“It was some time ago at a party. He didn’t take it well. He spent over an hour mumbling don’t touch me to everyone. They’ve never done anything like that to me. But I don’t know, I almost think they did it because I was there. Cole and Will were there too and he just… it was like a broken record. For a while I thought he wouldn’t be ok,” Pat said and I saw his Adams apple bob, “I thought he was gone and then after a while he grabbed my hand and I knew he would come back. You have no idea how scary that was Vic. How scary it was to see him like that.”

  
“I didn’t mean to scare you just the feeling of…and then not being able to tell who was who. It made it that much worse. It made me feel it that much more. I couldn’t even think of anyone touching me ever again. It’s hard to explain,” I answered.

  
“No, I know. I get it. I’ve just heard stories of people not coming back from that. Going catio, just like checking out a never coming back. I might have hidden it well but I was terrified you wouldn’t be ok. I’m always terrified you won’t be ok when you get that look on your face. I love you John. I love you more than I need air sometimes. I can’t imagine living without you. Not ever,” Pat told me pressing his forehead to mine.

  
I felt my groin start to ache, to want him. I wanted to feel him. To kiss him and make him mine. I sighed laying my body into his, his arm still draped around my shoulder as he looked at me. His eyes warm, sparkling and deep.

  
“Ok well I’m going to head out and do my rounds, take my calls. Stay here until school is out please. Don’t open the door unless it’s the pizza man. Feel free to treat it like home, watch movies whatever. Condoms in the night stand so if you do which I really hope you don’t, play safe,” Vic said standing up and leaving.

  
Pat sat down on the chair across from me the coffee table in-between us staring at me. It hurt. Having him not touching me hurt reminded me of what I was. That I was just a whore that he shouldn’t want me. That there was no way he could want me like that. He sighed after what seemed like forever.

  
“Are you ok with this?” He asked me.

  
“Being stuck at Vic’s?” I asked, “Yeah it’s better than worrying about being at home or with Leo.”

  
“Do you need a shower? You seem jumpy,” Pat said, “Come on. He won’t mind, you heard him.”

  
“Yeah. It would probably get the feeling of him off of my skin,” I answered.

  
“Good,” Pat nodded smiling taking my hand and leading me to the bathroom.

  
He started the water adjusting it before he undid my tie letting it fall to the floor before he kissed me, his tongue running across my bottom lip asking for permission with his eyes before I sighed deeply inhaling his tongue letting it roll across my mine tickling the roof of my mouth gently. He felt good and warm his breath tasting like him. His hands pulling my vest and shirt off over my head along with my undershirt. One bundle on the floor as his joined it.

  
Before I knew it were both naked in the water his hands on my back against my bare skin tracing patterns into my flesh lightly, whispering to me. Telling me that I was ok. That everything would be all right one day. That one day it would just be him and me and no one else.

  
“Are you ok with this?” He asked me suddenly. Me being quiet only nodding my head in reply.

  
I wasn’t sure what we were doing really. I knew we shouldn’t. I knew it was wrong and dangerous but I wanted to feel him, to be with him. I knew he was the only one that could get the feeling of Leo off my skin. That could get Da and Leo and everyone else out of my head for a while. I sighed turning around a hugging him before I spoke.

  
“Yes, more than ok. I want to be able to feel you. I want him to be gone just for a little while,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“I don’t know. I’m just afraid I guess. Afraid you’ll regret this later, hate me,” he answered.

  
He soaped up the loofa scrubbing my back before running his hands over my clavicle and down my stomach me melting into his touch, into the feeling of his hands spreading warmth under my skin, lighting my nerves on fire like fireworks going off inside my body. He felt so good his, fingers wandering my skin brushing against me.

  
“I could never hate you. Especially not for making me feel clean, feel safe,” I murmured into his neck leaning against him biting and sucking at the skin there, tasting him making him giggle.

  
His hands wandered lower messaging the soap into my skin. He eventually made it to my groin taking my growing hardness into his hands and stroking lightly. It felt good my breath catching a little before I grabbed him the same way using the water to give us moisture. The heat spreading up my body as he slid his thumb over my slit using my precum to making it easier.

  
“Shit,” Pat muttered as I busied myself sliding my hand over him feeling the strong muscle in my hand, the skin feeling soft and smooth like butter making me want to taste him. To slide my tongue up and down him and make him moan in pleasure.

  
“Good or bad?” I asked.

  
“Mind blowing awesome,” Pat barely managed to murmur before letting out a breathy moan bucking into my hand excitedly.

  
“I love you,” I told him picking up my pace but making sure I kept my grip gentle, as we rinsed off in the water.

  
“God, I love you too. So much,” he barely managed as a grunt of pleasure escaped him, “Maybe we should go to the bed?”

  
“Yeah, if you think you’re ok with it?” I told him.

  
“With this? Us of course I’m ok with it. Are you kidding me? You know how long I’ve waited to feel you without some perv watching. All of you?” He asked me.

  
I don’t remember how we got there but next thing I remember he was pulling me into the bed on top of him, his hardness pulsating against my thigh as he rubbed his nose gently against mine before kissing me vigorously.

  
He felt so good. His hands on my hips, his tongue in my mouth. His legs rubbing against mine as we laid skin to skin, chest to chest kissing until we both broke apart to breathe both of us beyond hard. Beyond wanting but more needing to be with each other. To touch each other, taste each other my body shaking slightly.

  
“Are you ok Rabbit?” He asked me cocking his head an expression of worry on his face as he reached up and ran a hand through my hair.

  
“Yeah I’m good. Just I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t?” I said quietly.

  
“Ok, we’ll stop,” Pat assured me, “Nothing you don’t want.”

  
“No, it’s not that I don’t want to. I do, I just…what if they know? What he smells you on me?” I asked looking down at him.

  
“Who your Da?” He asked and I nodded my head.

  
“We’ll shower again ok? We’ll be careful. If you don’t want to I won’t do anything to you ok? You can just focus on me if you like,” Pat answered.

  
“You mean me topping you?” I asked quietly and he smiled nodding his head rubbing the nape of my neck.

  
“Yeah,” he answered, “If you want. I mean, I’ve never…at least not like this before. But I’d be willing to let you. To try it with you because I love you. I think you’d be good at it. The way you kiss, the way you touch. I know you’d never do anything to hurt me and I trust you. Like you’ve said yourself it doesn’t feel like them. It feels warm where they feel cold. Make me warm Rabbit please?” He said kissing me nipping at my bottom lip again spreading his legs open wrapping them around my waist our hardness brushing against each other his eyes heavily lidded with passion, want.

  
I felt my heart skip a beat. He wanted me. He didn’t just want to have sex with me, he wanted me. I couldn’t understand why even though I knew I wanted him to. That I loved feeling his skin on mine. That I wanted to hear him moan my name and my nickname as I connected with him through flesh and soul. We were young but it didn’t seem to matter. None of it seemed to matter besides the fact we were there and he wanted me to be with him, inside of him.

  
“You ok?” He asked me after my long silence.

  
“Yes, I’m better than I’ve been in a while it’s just…are you sure?” I whispered into his cheek leaning up onto my knees, pulling back so I could look at him closely.

  
“I have never been more sure of anything in my life,” Pat muttered sitting up his mouth smashing into mine again, his hands counting my ribs with his fingers as he started kissing my chest making me giggle. He felt so good, so right. I nodded my head as he let me go shifting my weight and fumbling in the night stand finding the condoms Vic had told us about and a bottle of lube.

  
I took the tiny square in my hand my hands shaking as I tried to tear it open dropping it and sighing. Pat smiled at me his eyes lighting up, “Slow down. We don’t have to be in a hurry.”

  
He took it from me tearing it open with his teeth his hands caressing me as he stroked sliding the condom on making me moan and buck forward into his hand again as he grabbed lube putting it into the palm of his hand. Smearing it as we kissed more him pulling me forward as he leaned back. I started kissing down his chest my thumbs running across his nipples making them stand up at attention making him hum lightly.

  
I teased my hands trailing his body my tongue following kissing and sucking on his skin making him wiggle and hum in ecstasy my tongue trailing past his belly button licking down his length.

  
“Oh god,” he muttered lacing his hands into my hair as I wrapped my lips around him tasting his sweat, the sweet stickiness of his skin mixed with the saltiness of his sweat and precum. My hands explored his balls and the space behind it before I took some lube rubbing it onto my fingers. He moaned and twitched lightly as my fingers circled his pucker him moaning as I loosened my throat allowing him all the way in. I slid my finger in feeling the satin touch of his insides against my fingertips. The act making me ache with anticipation as he squirmed under my touch, under the feel of my lips around him. Every movement of the rhythm we had found making me grow more excited my cock twitching with the idea just as his seed filled my mouth surprising me causing me to swallow and laugh.

  
“ya ok?” Pat barely managed to mumble his eyes almost completely closed.

  
“I’m great babe. I promise,” I managed to breath trailing kisses on his hip leaving traces of my lips against his thighs as I slid another finger in moving it against that spot.

  
“Oh Ribbit,” He moaned loudly bucking, grinding back into the touch of my fingers as my other hand slid down his right hip tracing the white angry lines of KIII before I licked it gently making him squirm his cock starting to harden again.

  
“I love you so much,” I said pulling my fingers out before I slid myself up against him, pushing myself against his hole his eyes opening as he took a deep breath, “Are you sure?” I asked hesitant for a second because of the look that flashed across his face.  
“Yeah just, slow ok?” He said nodding his head, “Trust me I want you. I want to feel you inside me.”

  
I pushed forward slowly bit by bit the first ring opening up giving just enough to let me in stealing my breath just like it had the first time I had topped him but hotter. Less rushed, slower more intense. The hotness feeling slick and tight like a glove around me making me moan outwardly as he moaned before I managed to slide inside the rest of the way easily settling on top of him his legs wrapping around my waist again.

  
He looked at me and laughed lightly, “You ok? Your eyes are really wide. You can kind of move around a little you know.”

  
“I think if I do that I’m going to…,” I felt my face heat up.

  
“Really?” He said the amusement still playing on his face, his eyes dazzling.

  
“mhm,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I didn’t think I was that good. Just give it a second we’ll be able to,” he said reaching up and pulling my head forward, pressing his forehead to mine as he decided to grind against me lightly.

  
“Shit,” I murmured panting lightly.

  
“It’s ok Rabbit, let me feel you,” he whispered as I managed to pull out slightly before pushing back inside the contact setting my nerves on fire making me pant as he let a moan escape his lips.

  
It didn’t take us long to find that rhythm like a dance. His body fitting perfectly around mine. Him moaning my name feverently. His hands rubbing up and down my back as he uttered “shit” quietly every couple of seconds the friction pulling us both closer to orgasm. He petted my spine as I felt him grind into me bringing me so close to the edge before he pulled me closer my head buried in his neck again.

  
“Wait just a second,” He said causing me to freeze in fear and confusion.

  
“What?” I asked, “Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”

  
“No! No not at all Rabbit just, hold on a second,” he said as I pulled out him rolling over so he was sitting on top of me. I felt him position me with his hands before he sat down, sliding slowly back over me like a glove made for my body before he started bouncing in my lap. His body forcing him to control the movement.

  
“Shit,” I barely managed as I started panting harder so close to orgasm.

  
“Is this ok?” He said me brushing a hand through my hair.

  
“God yeah,” I said closing my eyes letting him ride me. The slide in and out like magic feeling better than anything I’d ever felt in my life his muscles squeezing my cock in all the right ways.

  
“I love you so much John. Oh god I love you Rabbit,” he said his pace quickening as my eyes finally rolled, my whole body tensing as he ran his hand through my hair kissing and nibbling my neck, “I love you. God, I love you.” He cooed as I came inside of him. The whole thing feeling like magic flowing between our bodies connecting us before he started coming around me. His body collapsing on mine as he buried his head in my chest and I started to soften inside him before he got off my lap, rolling off me and laying beside me as I turned to my side to face him.

  
“You felt great. I have never ever experienced anything like that,” Pat muttered, “Thank you. Thank you, god I love you so much. thank you.”

  
“You’re thanking me?” I asked confused, “You’re the one who just let me…you know. I think I should be thanking you.”

  
Pat laughed breathlessly, “It felt pretty damn incredible on my end too.”

  
“Really?” I asked finally catching my breath.

  
“Well I wasn’t making that noise for the hell of it,” Pat said biting his lip smiling.

  
“Well sometimes it just happens even if you don’t mean for it to happen,” I answered.

  
“True but, felt nothing like that. It feels like sparklers being lite under my skin. Better than anything ever. Better then Delia, better than anything,” he said as I kissed his chest curling up against his side.

  
“You really thought so?” I asked curious, still not really believing that I had been able to do that. To make someone feel good without making myself feel dirty. Without feeling like I was doing something wrong, something I shouldn’t be doing. Something that would be written all over my skin for the world to see.

  
“Really,” he said nodding his head as he stroked my hair, my head resting against his chest as I listened to his heart beat, “Really. You did everything right.”

  
“It didn’t feel like them at all, right?” I asked.

  
“Not anything like them at all. It was the complete opposite of them. I promise,” Pat assured me.

  
I sighed relaxing into him more nodding my head. I believed him. I don’t know why I needed so much reassurance but I did. Maybe because I had trouble believing being on that side of things it could feel different because I hadn’t had a chance to experience it myself without them watching but I felt sure he wasn’t lying after he uttered the words “I promise” into my scalp.

  
I closed my eyes as he held me. His breathing evened out and before I knew it we were both sleeping peacefully. We only slept for a couple of hours me waking up when he moved out from under me to go to the bathroom him smiling at me when he came back noticing my eyes were open.

  
“Are you still doing good?” He asked me.

  
“Mhm,” I answered before yawning sitting up and stretching, “I think I’m getting hungry though.”

  
“Well Vic did leave us money for Pizza,” Pat reminded me, “It’s in the kitchen. You want me to call? Got any requests?”

  
“Make sure you get a Greek salad and whatever pizza you order has mushrooms please,” I said.

  
“Rabbit,” he smiled at me straddling my hips, “You just gave me the ride of my life you can have whatever you want,” he told me kissing me roughly until we were both breathless again before breaking apart, “Mushrooms and pepperoni sound good?”

  
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head, “I’m going to go shower. Not because I feel dirty or anything but because it’s you know, I’m kind of sticky still. Aren’t you a little sticky?”

  
“I totally am,” Pat said his eyes still lit up in afterglow, “But I think if we shower together we’re never leaving Vic’s apartment and it’s almost noon so…I’m going to order the pizza while you shower and then jump in when you’re done.”

  
“Fair enough,” I said, “Do you think we’ll be able to do this again sometime?”

  
“Yes,” Pat answered, “There’s no doubt we’ll do it again sometime. I just I can’t tell you when we’ll have another chance.”

  
“Well, I remember this always. No one has ever let me do that besides you. It was even better this time then last time,” I said blushing lightly.

  
“I would hope so,” Pat said, “Last time, I don’t know. It’s like last time wasn’t really real. Because they were there watching, telling us what to do, how to do things this was us. This was really us.”

  
“Yeah it was,” I agreed, “Well I’m going to go shower.”

  
I got up going to the bathroom as I saw Pat remove the phone from the cradle and call to order the pizza. I showered quickly feeling regretful that I had to wash it all away but happy it had happened. Happy that I had gotten to experience that type of control, to feel him around me his body fitting to mine like it was made for me to be inside of it.

  
When I was done I dressed leaving the water running as Pat came into the bathroom kissing me quickly before he stepped inside telling me the pizza would be there in 20 minutes. When it got there, I answered the door and gave the guy a tip before we turned on the tv watching I don’t even remember. Just wasting time until 2:30 came around cuddling and kissing but making sure we kept our clothes on, that our hands didn’t wander too far.

  
When Vic came in he cleared his throat catching us in the middle of a kiss, “You two clean up any messes you might have made?”

  
I felt my face glow and Pat clapped my shoulder cracking up, “Well if he didn’t know before he knows now Rabbit thank you.”

  
“I---I sorry,” I muttered.

  
“Everybody does it. However, I really hope that if you did you didn’t …” Vic thought about it and sighed, “never mind I know how to wash my own sheets. Let’s get you two home.”

  
Once we were in car Vic eyed me in the rearview mirror, “So… you two really enjoyed yourselves huh?”

  
“Why are you asking that?” I asked.

  
“You have glow. Was that your first time? I mean on your own?” Vic asked.

  
“VIC! Really? You’re going to ask him that?” Pat asked.

  
“Well he has this goofy smile on his face that he has to get rid of so I’m hoping if I shame him it might help hide it a little bit,” Vic said, “Was it or no?”

  
“Yeah,” I admitted nodding my head.

  
“Ok well I’ll see if I can keep your Dad from ruining it for you,” Vic replied simply my face falling, “There you go. That’s a lot better.”

  
“Don’t scare him,” Pat hissed.

  
“I’m not doing it to scare him. I’m doing it to remind him as good as he feels right now they can take it away just like that. I’ll talk to Connor though and see if I can make sure he keeps his hands off you, all right?”

  
“Could you please?” I asked quietly.

  
“Well like I said I’ll tell him you weren’t mentally ready not for that, even though I don’t know who would be mentally ready for that,” Vic said before he stopped at a stop light, “Ok Romeo and Romeo you want any last kisses I would do it now because we’re about to come up to Pat’s house.”

  
“Yeah, we don’t usually kiss in the open so, I’ll see you later Rabbit ok?” Pat said looking back at me smiling as we pulled up to the end of his drive way.

  
“Yeah, I’ll call later all right?” I answered.

  
“You better,” he said getting out of the car, throwing his bag over one shoulder as he waved us off.

  
He pulled up to my house and noticed the drive gate was open. I knew something was up when I saw that and sure enough that damn black SUV was parked outside the kitchen door. I felt my heart stop in a bad way. In fear. They were going to take it away from me. The warmness of him that was still wandering around under my skin starting to fade.


	37. 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets home and ends up having a serious talk with mum before Dinner. During dinner Clean up Will tells him some troubling news while he opens up to Will about his relationship with Pat. They get ready to celebrate their first thanksgiving in the States in a couple of years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 754 to 773. A little over 350 pages left of part 2. I will be updating Will's tomorrow I swear. I just have a lot of John's already written so it's easier to update. **Warnings: mental health issues, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of sexual harassment, bullying, depression, anxiety, talk of really underage sexual abuse, talk of forced incest, talk of really underage sexual abuse**

“Vic,” I whimpered.

  
“I know I see it,” he told me, “I’ll do what I can I swear. Because believe it or not I care about you.”

  
He sighed opening his door as I opened mine both of us coming towards the house. When we got inside I could hear Da and Leo talking with mum in the living room, a baby whining slightly as we stepped out into the hall. We walked into the living room to see my mum cuddling Mary looking at Leo and my Da. All three of them had serious looks on their faces.

  
“Dr. Palmer what a surprise,” Mum said looking at him, “And my new delinquent I see.”

  
“He wasn’t feeling well,” Vic said, “That’s why I’m here. How are you doing Danielle?”

  
“I’d be better if my child wouldn’t skip school,” Mum said looking at me, “But I’ll leave your Da and Leo to handle this because Dr. Swartzman was the one who dropped you off at school.” she took Mary and started heading upstairs.

  
“John,” Da said.

  
“Hi Da,” I answered.

  
“Why did you skip?” Da asked me.

  
“I wasn’t…I couldn’t deal with them after Leo Da I’m sorry,” I answered honestly.

  
“Oh, baby I know I got a little over excited and I’m sorry. But, that doesn’t mean you get to skip school. I just missed you so much. Next week probably won’t be so intense, all right? I promise,” Leo told me standing up and taking a step towards me causing me to take a step back.

  
“Please, don’t make me,” I said having to take a deep breath to calm myself down.

  
“Don’t make you what sweetie?” Leo asked smiling.

  
“I don’t want to have sex with you right now,” I whimpered.

  
“Don’t worry. Your mental health is fragile so your Da and Leo are going to give you a little bit of time,” Vic said.

  
“Yes, that’s right baby. Leo and I are going to give you some more space just for a little bit longer ok?” Da agreed, “However you will keep spending weekends with Leo he’ll just go easier. No more skipping though all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I promise.”

  
“Good now go upstairs, help mum and do your homework,” Da said and I nodded my head going upstairs quickly before any of them decided to change their minds about letting me leave.

  
“John?” Mum said from the nursery as I passed it on the way to my bedroom.

  
“Yeah mum?” I asked.

  
“Why did you skip?” She asked me, “You know you need an education so why did you skip?”

  
“I wasn’t feeling well,” I answered simply wanting to keep the peace. Wanting to make sure she stayed mentally stable.

  
If I could keep her stable by lying to her by hiding the fact that Da was the way he was I would. I didn’t want her to break and I was deeply afraid that she would if I told her. If she found out everything they had told her was a lie was the truth. If she had I felt she would go away, probably end up back at Wood Haven. Her mind would have been as broken and shattered as mine had been when Da had promised me to Leo. Her brain wouldn’t have been able to process it so I tried to keep it from her. Just long enough for her brain to heal.

  
“Feeling ill how John? Like how my head gets sometimes?” She asked me rocking Seamus in the rocker gently as Mary slept in one of the cribs behind her.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I feel all right now though.”

  
“Are you taking your medication still?” She asked me.

  
“Yes mum. I am,” I answered.

  
“You know I’m sorry I did that to you guys, right?” She asked me, “That I took you away from your Da when all he’s ever wanted is to take care of us, of you guys. I have no idea what got into me and I’m sorry that I uprooted everything put you boys through that. The hunger, the struggle.”

  
“It’s ok mum,” I said quietly, “You thought you were protecting us ( _you were_ )”

  
“Ok love, you want to go check on Laura and Andy for me please? I think Debbie and Alice are making dinner and doing house work so if you could look in on them I’d be really happy,” Mum asked.

  
“Yeah mum no problem,” I answered before turning and going into the playroom.

  
“You want to be the baby John?” Laura asked me turning to smile at me where she was standing in front of the play kitchen with Andy rocking a baby doll in his arms.

  
“How about you two play and I just watch?” I asked smiling.

  
“Oh ok,” Laura said, “But can you hold Molly?” She asked me handing me another baby doll.

  
“Sure,” I answered, “Hi Molly,” I said holding the doll like it was a baby and rocking it.

  
She got me to feed Molly holding the bottle to her lips as her and Andy played house arguing over the “grilled cheese” and what was on it. Discussing that it was Andy’s job to clean the kitchen because he was the daddy and Laura had done the cooking. This went on until dinner was ready and we all went out into the kitchen on our floor me helping mum get everyone settled in as Alice passed out plates.

  
“Can I talk to you after dinner?” Will asked me quietly not looking at me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Sure.”

  
I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about but it was probably something that had happened that weekend that he felt I needed to be aware of. Either way it made me nervous to know what it might be. Whether he was telling me because I needed to know or because he just needed to vent to someone I wasn’t sure.

  
After dinner mum and Debbie and Alice took the babies to go bathe and I nodded at Will to help me wash the dishes so Alice wouldn’t have to stay late. He grabbed the sponge before I had a chance to and turned on the water. I sighed wondering what the point of him washing was because I was older I was used to washing.

  
“You said you wanted to talk to me about something?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, huh how do you let someone know you don’t like them, you know, like that?” Will asked me.

  
“Oh, thank god. I thought it was something about Da,” I sighed in relief, “You just tell them.”

  
“And if they don’t listen?” Will asked causing my face to fall.

  
“This is about your mentor again? Wallace?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Will said, “He won’t stop asking if he can do stuff.”

  
Will’s face was flushed a bright red. Will didn’t usually get embarrassed and in fact was more open and frank about what Da did then I ever felt I could be. So, it took me by surprise that some kid asking him if he could touch him dirty made his face turn that shade of red. I sighed and turned to him.

  
“What type of stuff?” I asked.

  
“Stuff like Da does sometimes,” Will mumbled as he stopped washing the dishes fanning his face with his hand.

  
“Like the stuff Da made us do?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Will said looking at me, “I keep telling him no but he keeps asking saying that he wants to know what…what I feel like.”

  
“I’ll take care of it,” I told him, “How do you usually end up talking to him?”

  
“We meet in the library in the upper school for like 1pm to 2,” Will told me.

  
“That’s our Lunch,” I answered, “Mine and Pat’s. We’ll stop by ok? I’ll have a talk with him.”

  
“Will you really?” Will asked hopeful.

  
“Yeah, I just hope it helps and doesn’t make it worse. I’ll try, I’ll do anything for you. You know that,” I said.

  
“Well, like I mean it’s not like I don’t know what he wants because I’ve done it before. I just don’t like and I don’t like him. I wish he would stop asking. Making out with someone like I made out with Cole is really different than the stuff he tells me he wants to do. I’d just like him to stop asking. I don’t want him to touch me that way, you know?” Will said kind of rushed.

  
“Wait he’s asking to touch you as in sexually?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Will sighed, “Yeah. Like he said he wants to know what I feel like. Whatever that means and it scares me. It reminds me of Da and what he says. How he wants to make me feel good and I just, I don’t like it. I keep telling him no but he keeps pushing and pushing and hinting at it and it scares me.”

  
“I can understand why. That’s like What Finick does to me. The way he pushes up against me whenever we watch a movie in science class,” I answered.

  
“That sounds horrible,” Will said frowning.

  
“It is it’s very horrible. I’m afraid everyone is going to see and then they’ll know what I am and I don’t know it’s just, it makes me really nervous all the time,” I admitted to Will.

  
That was the first time I had ever voiced that out loud to anyone. That Finick made me scared everyone would know what I was. That I was a whore. Someone to be used and played with and forced to do things like that and that they would all hate me for it.

Or those that didn’t would think it was ok to do that type of stuff to me.

  
“What do you think you are?” Will asked me picking up a plate and starting to scrub it.

  
“You know,” I answered simply.

  
“No, I don’t. What do you think you are John? Because whatever you think you are that’s what I am too,” Will said.

  
“No, you’re not. It’s not the same,” I said starting to get angry.

  
He wasn’t anything like me. Will was good. Will didn’t ask Da to do those things to him. Didn’t tell Da it was ok to do those things to him so that Da wouldn’t do them to someone else, not in the same way I did. Sure, Da hurt Will and I knew he did but it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same.

  
“Yeah it is. Da makes me do the same stuff he makes you do and you know it. We both know it. And we both know the things he says whenever we say no. That he’s going to hurt someone else. So how do you think I’m any different from you?” Will asked me.  
“Because your body doesn’t…” I sighed trying to think of how I was going to explain it to him again trying to understand why he didn’t get it, “Because your body doesn’t react the way mine does.”

  
“What you think I don’t get boners? You think I don’t…? I mean sure it’s still new but it happens more and more often now. So, you think that makes me a bad person? Because my body reacts like that? It’s called puberty, I think. Cole said everyone’s body does that. That a body doesn’t know whether your brain wants it or not it just does what bodies do. Both him and mum have said I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Even you have said that I shouldn’t feel bad about it.” Will told me, “So if you’re saying your body doing that makes you bad that means I’m bad too, that we’re all bad. Do you think I’m bad?”

  
“No, you’re not like me though,” I said feeling my heart pounding in my chest. How could I get him to understand?

  
“John Da says a lot of the same stuff to me that he does to you. I’m pretty sure,” Will said.

  
“You don’t know that,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What do I have to tell you? He says he wants me to feel good, that my skin taste nice that I’m beautiful, that I feel good inside when he’s …that he loves me and it’s special. Any of that sound like what he tells you?” Will asked me.

  
I closed my eyes feeling my hands shaking. Not wanting to talk about it anymore, not wanting to think about it. I felt how flushed my face was and I didn’t know if it was better or worse knowing. Knowing he said a lot of the same things to both of us.

  
“I didn’t want to think about this today. Not after good stuff,” I mumbled to myself. I thought I mumbled it quietly enough that Will didn’t hear but he did.

  
“Good stuff?” He asked me quietly, “But you skipped school and almost got in trouble because you weren’t doing good. What good stuff could happen while you were skipping?”

  
“I didn’t skip on my own you know?” I asked turning to him.

  
“But you’re always with…Patrick,” Will got a funny look on his face, “You didn’t, did you?”

  
“Didn’t what?” I asked.

  
“You did! And you say I’m too young but you’re 13!” Will said.

  
“You just said we’re not normal. That we’re the same. When you’re 13 you get to too I guess,” I answered rinsing and drying the dish Will had been washing for the past five minutes.

  
“What did it feel like? Were you, oh geeze how do I ask that?” Will said a huge goofy smile on his face.

  
“You don’t and…” I sighed thinking about how to best explain it, “You know all the bad things they do? How it feels like ice under your skin and it makes you want to scream, to cut your skin off? Take that and flip it around. It feels like drinking hot chocolate after coming back into the house from playing out in the snow and fireworks going off over your skin and under it and its…nothing like them. I mean yeah, it’s the same stuff but it feels so different. Safe. It feels safe.”

  
Will stared at me silently for a second and then sighed nodding his head taking in my description, trying to understand it. Trying to wrap his head around anything ever feeling that way, especially the stuff they did. When all you feel is cold it’s hard to imagine the warmth, the comfort that can come from those acts.

  
“It sounds really different,” Will commented after a minute.

  
“It is,” I answered, “I was scared a little. Then Pat said I could …never mind. I don’t think I’m going to tell you everything. It’s something you’ll have to experience for yourself one day and you will. Just don’t be in a hurry. Make sure you’re ready before you try it otherwise I don’t think it would feel right. If you didn’t trust the person you were with I don’t think it would work.”

  
“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “I don’t know. I think trusting someone like you trust Pat is hard. It just seems so I don’t know, scary.”

  
“The scariest part about the way I feel about him is I’m afraid they’ll hurt him. That they’ll hurt him so bad one day he’ll never be the same and then I don’t know what I’ll do. That’s the scariest thing I can think of when it comes to how I feel about him,” I answered.

  
Will nodded his head as he washed and rinsed the last of the dishes. I dried them silently. I hadn’t meant to tell Will all of that. Let him know I’d had sex. It was probably super dangerous to tell him but I didn’t think he’d tell anyone.

  
“Does it still kind of burn?” He asked me suddenly nearly causing me to drop a plate.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Like you know how sometimes it feels like a bad rug burn when they are done? Just like not really beat up but like kind of raw and sensitive? Does it still feel like that after?” Will asked.

  
I sighed closing my eyes and allowing myself to feel my body. It had only been five or six hours since Pat and I had crossed that bridge so I could still feel evidence of it in my body. After it had first happened while were waiting for the pizza guy he had asked if he could lay his head in my lap because I had made him feel tender so he had wanted to cuddle. However, I didn’t really feel anything. Probably because I had been wearing a condom but I wasn’t sure if I should tell my brother I had been the one giving it and not getting for Pat’s sake. because that was a little more information then I was willing to share and I wasn’t sure Pat would want my little brother knowing he had been dominated.

  
“I don’t really feel anything right now. Maybe slightly? I don’t know why?” I asked curious as to why he was asking this now.

  
“I was just wondering,” he answered, “I always just feel raw, you know? So, I was wondering if it was still the same with someone else.”

  
“Well,” I sighed not wanting to think about it, “At first for a couple hours it always feels like that you know? But then it goes away if they’re, you know, how Da is.”

  
“Yeah, I know,” Will said nodding his head, “I don’t feel well so I’m going to go lay down.”

  
“Me too,” I said nodding my head, “Thank you for helping me.”

  
“You’re welcome. Are you really going to talk to Wallace?” Will asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said, “I’m hoping if I talk to him he might just leave you alone.”

  
“I don’t know,” Will told me, “I don’t know John he…I feel like there’s something off about him.”

  
“You mean you think he’s like Da, like them?” I asked quietly.

  
“Kind of, he’s kind of weird too at the same time. He doesn’t like talking to people like he didn’t even like talking to me at first at the beginning of the year. But then after like a month he started actually talking to me and now it’s gotten well…he’s gotten weird. I keep trying to tell him no. I do really, but it’s like he doesn’t understand,” Will told me.

  
“Like I said I’ll talk to him, ok? I’m not sure it will help but I’m hoping it will. Otherwise I might have to get someone else involved. The guys maybe,” I added.

  
“No. I don’t want them knowing,” Will said, “I don’t want them knowing what …it’s hard to explain.

  
“I know he’s not as old as Uncle Ben or Da and it makes it weird but trust me. There is nothing to be ashamed about Will ok? Can I tell you something?” I asked him quietly, “Something you won’t tell anyone? The guys already know but I just want it going around.”

  
“Yeah you can tell me anything,” Will promised me.

  
“Dick and Chad, they both…at the Villa. Pat told me I shouldn’t feel bad about it because I’m younger than they are but I still do. Dick keeps making comments still. Whenever he has a chance to he’ll say something about it. That’s how I got kicked off the bus. Da and mum don’t know I was kicked off the bus but I was. I told Pat what Dick said to me and so Pat punched him in the face.”

  
“Good for Pat, he should have,” Will scoffed, “I would.”

  
“Don’t you ever punch someone in the face. Not ever for anything. Pat could have gotten into a lot of trouble if…” I sighed heavily.

  
“If what?” Will asked me.

  
“Never mind, just it’s not worth the risk of getting in trouble with Da all right? Not ever,” I said and Will nodded his head.

  
“Ok,” he said, “I don’t think Da would really hurt me though. Not like that. Not like Uncle Ben does.”

  
“Oh, he might,” I said, “You know Da is different with me just a little bit but if you’re not careful he could. I’ve seen it.”

  
“I believe you,” Will said quietly.

  
“All right well, I’m going to go lay down. Go to sleep, hopefully alone,” I said quietly.

  
“Yeah me and you both. Oh yeah, Da put a stop to Matty’s exploring as Da called it. Matty has to keep his hands to himself unless Da or uncle Ben are there I guess. So, Mike has agreed to share their bedroom again. Da has Dr. Larkin going to Matty in school once a week to see him so he doesn’t have to miss school at all,” Will told me.

  
“I just hope that mum being home keeps Da busy for a while,” I responded.

  
“He didn’t bother me last night so I’m going to assume that he’s going to focus on her at least for a little while. I don’t know. The closer it gets to thanksgiving the more worried I feel because you remember last year. I remember last year and I wasn’t even down there when he did that. How James was sick and tired and how he didn’t speak for almost two weeks. It was scary,” Will told me.

  
“Well they hurt him pretty badly. They hurt me pretty badly,” I said, “It was the worst Christmas I ever remember and I really hope they don’t repeat it. But any way I’m tired so I’m going to go to bed.”

  
“Yeah me too, goodnight bro, I love you,” Will said walking down the hall to his bedroom as I did the same, going to mine.

  
I actually ended up sleeping pretty well that night forgetting to call Pat until late into the night around 1am. When we did talk it was only briefly and full of I loves you and mushy teenager stuff that you say when you think you’re in love and then went back to sleep feeling warm, and safe and happy. Not waking up again until my alarm went off.

  
I rode the bus to school that morning. Dom chatting away to me happily telling me about what I had missed in school and some good news. Adam was getting officially fake adopted and he was actually excited to have someone that he could bitch to about his parents that would completely understand.

  
“…but yeah so anyway they are working on papers. After the papers are taken care of he’ll be coming to school here after the new year probably,” Dom finished.

  
“That’s actually an improvement for him, right?” I asked quietly.

  
“Huge one yeah,” Dom told me, “But yeah he’s pretty cool actually. He’s gotten Dad to loosen up a little bit. He’s become nicer believe it or not.”

  
“Is that a good thing?” I asked.

  
“Ah…depends I guess?” Dom shrugged his shoulders, “But it’s nice to not be alone anymore.”

  
“Why aren’t Pat and Cole here the morning?” I asked confused as to why they weren’t riding the bus.

  
“Well, someone has a problem with keeping their mouth shut. So, Pat and Cole have only been riding the bus in the afternoons because Pat wants to smack a bitch every time he sees them,” Dom said and I heard Dick sigh loudly from across the aisle.

  
“It’s not my fault the guy doesn’t understand I’m joking.”

  
“Because you’re not,” Dom said.

  
“I am. Partly,” Dick mumbled, “It’s not my fault someone has a thing for someone else.”

  
“Really Rich?” I said shaking my head, “Really? You can’t keep that to yourself?”

  
“I can. I just love pissing him off,” Dick replied, “Speaking of will I be seeing you this weekend?”

  
“Not funny,” I answered.

  
“Highly entertaining though,” Dick countered.

  
“Oh…you know what? I’m going to pretend you’re not here because this is my first day back at school really so whatever,” I replied.

  
“Very mature,” Dick hissed back, “Fuck you.”

  
“Be careful or else someone might hear a retort to that you won’t like,” Dom said almost laughing.

  
“Fine, whatever,” Dick sighed sitting back in his seat ignoring us.

  
So, he didn’t mind fucking us. He just didn’t want people to know. Real charming. I sighed and motioned for Dom to come closer so he bent closer to me so I could whisper in his ear.

  
“Pat and I got really close,” I told him not ready to actually say it but wanting him to know.

  
“Wait, I thought you were already closer,” he whispered back.

  
“No, like closer than we were,” I answered.

  
“Like so close you shouldn’t be telling me?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head in reply, “NO FUCKING WAY!”

  
“LANGUAGE!” The bus driver shouted.

  
“SORRY!” Dom said back, “You shouldn’t be telling me that.”

  
“Well I figured Cole is probably already going to know so you might want to know too. Just so you aren’t out of the loop,” I replied, “You’re not going to tell anyone are you?”

  
“No,” Dom answered, “So you guys like boned?”

  
“Really you have to put it like that?” I asked feeling my face flush.

  
“You did,” Dom said the cheesiest grin on his face, “Can I ask who did what?”

  
“NO!” I said louder than I meant to causing several people to look our way as the bus pulled up to the school.

  
“Ok then I won’t ask, geeze.”

  
When we got off the bus Cole was standing there smiling barely able to contain himself as he greeted us, “Hi John.”

  
“Hi,” I said.

  
“So…how was your Monday?” He asked in a way that struck me as slightly creepy.

  
“Pat, what did you tell him?” I asked Pat who shrugged his shoulders at me.

  
“Not enough. That’s why he’s going to ask you about it,” Pat added.

  
“Well, I’m sure you’ve heard all you’re going to hear Cole. So, thanks for the interest but, I’m all right,” I answered.

  
“Oh, come on I want the goods!” Cole said, “Like who was on top was Pat on top? Were you on top? Because you both seem like tops to me so I’m just curious here.”

  
“Cole I’m not telling you that,” Pat said leaning his head on my shoulder.

  
“Neither am I,” I answered, “I think the people that know the answer to that question are the only ones that need to know.”

  
“Really?” Pat asked squinting at me, “Who did you tell?”

  
“Dom and Will,” I answered, “Because Dom would have heard eventually and Will is my little brother so he would have found out eventually as well.”

  
“Ok fair enough. I just told Cole but I’m going to assume Tosh will know in a bit. Hopefully it doesn’t go past there. Otherwise we’re like dead so, please guys don’t tell anyone,” Pat begged.

  
“I’m not going to tell anyone bullshit,” Dom said, “Trust me. I don’t want to lose two of my best friends because they decided to fuck without a camera in their faces.”

  
“Thank you. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy Dom,” Pat said to which Dom smiled and flipped him off, “And you Cole?”

  
“Never. You’re my brother,” Cole said.

  
“Good. As long as we’re all clear it doesn’t get around,” Pat said nodding his head as the bell rang.

  
I sighed. I don’t really remember what class was like on that day. Only that I told Pat I needed to stop somewhere on the way to lunch turning to go to the library instead. I asked Pat to wait for me but he insisted on coming with me.

  
I sighed looking around at the crowd gathered in front of the library noticing how short and young some of the guys looked. Knowing those were the guys from Will’s class while the ones that were even taller and more adult looking then Pat and I had to be the seniors. I noticed a kid with blond hair whose head was down, their back turned toward me and I knew it was Will. Just like how you can tell when it’s your kid brother or sister even though you can’t see their face through the body language, the way they move. Because you’ve been watching them your whole life without really thinking about it.

  
I looked at the guy he was facing. The guy was slightly overweight but really tall over six feet with a shaved head and glasses with frames that looked too small for his pudgy face. He didn’t seem threatening at all. The way he moved, the way he hugged his arms to his chest casually. The way everyone else seemed to ignore him but Will. At least at first until I caught him looking at Will a certain way that momentary flash of predator measuring up the ability of prey. That look that made me clench my hands into fist at my sides before I walked up to them.

  
“Will?” I asked his back quietly getting him to turn around. His face and body starting to relax just slightly when he knew it was me.

  
“Hi,” he said, “This is Wallace.”

  
He didn’t bother to turn around and look at Wallace just nodded his head in Wallace’s direction. As if to say “well there he is. Maybe now you understand why I don’t think talking to him will work?” I sighed and nodded my head. I could understand why this guy made him nervous.

  
“Hi Wallace, I’m John. I’m Will’s older brother. Can I talk to you for just a second?” I asked him trying to keep my voice even, be casual about the whole encounter.

  
“Yeah sure,” Wallace said quietly confusion passing over his face.

  
We took a couple steps away from where anyone could hear us including Will who saw Pat and walked over to him. I watched the two start talking amongst themselves before Wallace cleared his throat drawing my attention back to him. Reminding me why I was standing there with him in the first place.

  
“You’re brotherhood, so are we,” I started just getting to the bare bones of the matter, no dicking around, “You know this. But, we’re untouchables. You need to quit talking to him like that, saying those things. You’re making him really uncomfortable and I have to say hearing that it’s something you do isn’t pleasing me either.”

  
“He’s good looking. He’s soft and sweet and quiet,” Wallace told me, “You really think being untouchable will matter in a year if I decided to stay in town and go recruit track?”

  
“You’re going to leave him alone. You’re going to be appropriate and only talk to him where other people can hear what you are saying or you’re going to keep your mouth shut. Or I will be telling my Da do you understand?” I warned him.

  
“Let me get this. Your brother your very gay brother by the way, is telling you he doesn’t like being asked if he’s ok with me wanting to touch him? You do realize I’m asking to be nice and that there wouldn’t really be any consequences if I just did it as long as no one outside found out, right?” Wallace asked.

  
“There would be because I would deal with it,” I said puffing out my chest pulling my shoulders back and still finding my 5’5 frame dwarfed by Wallace’s size.

  
Wallace smiled an evil smile down at me almost like he was gleeful. Like he was trying not to laugh at me, “Well, from what I understand you have your own problems. A contract and more offers coming in everyday according to my Dad. Apparently, you’re a sweet piece of ass according to Rich Swartzman. You wouldn’t usually be my type but I’d be willing to give you a sit and spin if you gave me trouble. So, you can get out of my face. I find eventually get what I want. All I have to do is wait and talk to the right people. Do you understand me?”

  
“In this case you won’t,” I hissed venom dripping from my voice.

  
He may have just threatened me but no one threated my kids not ever. Not in a million years would I ever go back to my brother and tell him yeah, this guy wants to fuck you and you’re going to have to because there is nothing I can do about it. That would never happen especially if it wasn’t my Da who was saying it. I wanted to clock that guy so badly but I knew it would not be a good idea to start a fight with someone bigger and stronger then I was.

  
“Really you think you could stop me? Should we all go to the bathroom and see if you can? That sounds like it might be a fun game to me,” he answered.

  
“Alone do I think I could stop you? No. But you do have to remember while you recruit tracks have a small circle of friends. The other bottoms finding out you want to put your hands on an 11-year-old, I don’t think they’d take very kind to that. And what happens if a rumor gets around to outsiders? What do you think is going to happen then?” I asked him bravely. his smile started to falter, “Because you know what outsiders would think of you? Not only gay but into little boys? You wouldn’t last very long at all.”

  
“Is that a threat?” He asked me quietly his face hard as stone, his little beady eyes just flashing with fear for a second.

  
“Think of it as a promise. If you don’t keep your dirty fucking thoughts to yourself and keep your hands off my brother I will make sure you pay,” I answered.

  
“And you think there’s no way for those videos of you plastered all over the site to be seen by people that go to this school? Think they won’t know your face? At least if you spread stuff about me it would just be rumors and not fact,” Wallace hissed at me.  
I shook my head, “Good way to get yourself killed. While it might be my face it would traced back to your Dad’s computer. So, if I were you I wouldn’t even think about it. Keep your filthy requests and thoughts away from my brother or I’ll tell my Da and trust me you won’t be happy and neither will your father.” I said before I walked away still fuming.

  
I walked over to where Will was standing, “So did he say anything?” Will asked me hopefully.

  
“He told me he always gets what he wants and that it would be fun to see if I could stop him,” I answered shrugging my shoulders as Pat’s face got really red and he shook his head.

  
“He fucking didn’t,” Pat hissed.

  
“He did. Don’t worry, I took care of it. I promised everyone would find out he was into little boys if he didn’t leave Will alone,” I told Pat.

  
“But he told you that?” Pat asked gawking at me, “That he wanted to do that?”

  
“He won’t,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “He also said he would tell the whole school about some other stuff which would very easily get him killed so…I doubt he’d actually hurt me. However, Will and I am going to stress this, and I cannot stress it enough; Make sure you are never in a room alone with him again all right?”

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “I’ve been trying to do that anyway.”

  
“Ok Will just use the bathroom in the lower school and try not to use it again until you get back. Because that’s where they do most of their harassing. You can even ask Dom next time you see him whenever that will be,” Pat said.

  
“They bother Dom?” Will asked.

  
“All the time,” Pat answered, “I’m sure you can ask him sometime if you like.”

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “Thank you John.”

  
“No problem. If he keeps bothering you let me know and I’ll find a way to take care of it.”

  
“I will,” he assured me before Pat and I headed off towards the lunch room.

  
That week felts lucky. Lucky that that was the only thing that really happened in school even though as it got closer and closer to Friday I could feel myself growing more and more nervous knowing the weekend was coming. That my Time at Leo’s house was coming. I dreaded going to Leo’s as much as I felt I needed Pat in my life. My mum still drugged up and sleeping most of the time and my brothers and sisters being taken care of by Debbie and Alice. I was so nervous about Friday that I forgot we had Thursday off. I got up and ready for school even though there was no school that morning and then found myself falling asleep on the couch while tella tubbies was on. Only waking up when Mac stuck his finger up my nose.

  
“What are you doing Bud?” I asked him which caused him giggle.

  
“Nose,” he said trying to stick his finger up my nose again.

  
“Yes, you have one too,” I said pointing my finger at it and then touching my finger to the tip of his nose, “beep.”

  
He copied me touching his own nose, “Beep!” he said excitedly.

  
“Yes, that’s right. Now go play,” I said musing his hair slightly and setting him down on the ground as he waddled away happily just as James came out of his bedroom his hair all messed up from sleep rubbing his eyes, still wearing his PJ’s.

  
“Why are you awake? You’re never awake,” he told me quietly coming and sitting down next to me.

  
“I wasn’t until someone decided they needed to pick my nose for me,” I answered stretching, “Why are you awake?”

  
“Hungry,” he answered simply.

  
“I can grab you some fruit salad, would you like that?” I asked, “It’s already put together.”

  
“Please,” he said looking at me.

  
I sighed and stood up going into the kitchen and grabbing a bowl of fruit salad. Alice and Mum were downstairs cooking up the thanksgiving meal. Usually it wasn’t something our household focused on but Da had invited some of the brotherhood members over and I wasn’t sure what it was for but Leo was among them. I just prayed that it wasn’t to take me over to his house for an early weekend but knew nothing good would come of it.

  
When I came back Catty was sitting on the couch next to James and they were talking in whispers so quietly I couldn’t hear them James’ face serious like he was thinking hard about something and I didn’t hear what they were saying until I got a little closer.  
“But mummy said it’s all fake that it’s just bad dreams,” Catty said quietly.

  
“I don’t know. They still make me feel funny and something that makes me feel that funny can’t be a dream, can it?” He asked her.

  
“What makes you feel funny?” I asked my heart sinking knowing what they were probably discussing.

  
“The way Da does those things,” James answered quietly taking his fork and poking at the fruit in his bowl, “You say it’s wrong and bad and mum says it’s not real.”

  
I sat down trying to figure out how I should explain it. How do you explain to a seven-year-old that their Da isn’t supposed to touch them that way? That no one is supposed to touch them that way? And how do you explain that they have made their mum think it’s all made up? All a lie she made up in her head because they have her convinced that she’s mentally ill? I wasn’t even sure where to begin.

  
“Well,” I said thinking about it carefully, “You said they make you feel funny as in they make your stomach hurt and your skin feel like bugs are crawling on your right?”

  
“Yeah,” James said taking interest in the strawberry he was poking with his fork and Catty crawled into my lap and I allowed her to, holding her there as she laid across my lap like a baby might lay in their mother’s arms.

  
“That’s because your brain doesn’t want it to happen. And it’s ok that you don’t want that because it feels bad. Normal people don’t do those types of things with their kids. That’s why we can’t talk about it in front of others remember?” I answered.

  
“Yeah you told me that. But mum said it’s not even real. So how do I know it’s real if she says it’s not?” He asked me.

  
“Well when it does happen doesn’t it feel real?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah but mum says…” I stopped him.

  
“Ok but you know how sometimes you say you have a headache when you don’t want to spend time with Da?” I asked him and he nodded his head in reply, “Da has mum convinced she has a headache. One that won’t go away so he has her taking special pills to make the headache stop. Those pills make it hard for her to believe that something is real when she doesn’t see it in front of her. Like how some people don’t believe in God even though God is real.”

  
“How could someone think God isn’t real?” Catty asked me her eyes lighting up in surprise, “He’s everywhere. He put all the animals here and the garden and he saved Noah from the flood and he sent Jesus here because he loved us so much and he wanted us to know it. So, how can people think he’s not real? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  
“I don’t know Firefly but there are people that believe none of those things happened because they can’t see it with their own eyes. They forget that God is like the wind. We can’t see the wind but we can feel it. We see evidence of it when it blows through the trees and ruffles our hair. People are silly Cat. Sometimes they forget that feelings make something real.” I answered.

  
“So, what Da does is real even though Mum doesn’t think it is?” James asked me.

  
“Yes, bud that’s exactly what I’m saying. If you ever doubt it’s real you can come talk to me I can show you it’s real if you want me to,” I answered thinking about the brand on my hip. The brand they had never seen along with the bite marks and scars Hank and other people had left along my chest and other parts of my body they never saw.

  
“How?” James asked looking at me weird.

  
“Well,” I said, “Dreams don’t leave marks on your skin. That’s how you know they aren’t real because sometimes they’ll hurt and scare you but, you never see what they leave behind. That’s another way we know god is real because he left the trees here and the animals. Just like he left us here to enjoy this beautiful world he created for us. Bad things leave marks behind too sometimes. Like you remember when Matty fell back at school when you were little tiny and he came home that weekend with those stitches in his knee and he now has that little mark on his knee? That’s how we know it’s real. That it happened, because there is something there that it left behind that we can see.”

  
“I just thought he always had that,” James told me.

  
I sighed, “Well you are little. There will be things you don’t remember.”

  
“So, Mr. Lord is real?” He asked me his eyes starting to well with tears.

  
“Oh,” I sighed.

  
“I wanted him to not be real,” James said as he started sniffling.

  
“Who is that?” Catty asked.

  
“Hey Cat, can you go see what Debbie is doing?” I asked her kissing her forehead.

  
“Why? Who is Mr. Lord?” She asked again.

  
“Just go see, I think she’s setting up a tea party,” I told her again.

  
“Ok I’ll go but you’ll tell me later, right?” She asked me.

  
“We’ll see,” I said as she got up and walked away shooting a worried glance back at us before she left.

  
“Come here,” I said taking the fruit bowl from him and setting it on the coffee table holding my arms out as he climbed into my lap.

  
“He hurts,” James barely mumbled trying to be quiet, trying to hide his tears.

  
“I know bud. I know,” I said hugging him tightly to my chest as I rocked him, “I know.”

  
“I don’t know what I did,” He said burying his little face in my shirt.

  
“You didn’t do anything. Some people are just bad people that like to hurt others. He’s one of them. One of the bad people and you just have to focus on the good stuff all right? Don’t think about him. I wish you didn’t know him. I’m sorry I can’t get them to leave you alone,” I whispered stroking his shoulders gently.

  
“Why are they so mean? Why does Da want them to hurt me?” He asked me.

  
“I think Da maybe doesn’t understand that it hurts. Or he doesn’t care. I’m not sure. I wish I had the answers but I don’t,” I told him, “Why are you asking bud?”

  
“I dreamed about him. He was hurting me and I couldn’t see and it hurt so bad that I felt like he was stealing my breath. It was hard to move and then it was all dark and I wanted it to stop and I opened my eyes and he was gone but it still hurt a little like he was there but he wasn’t and I know he wasn’t because when I opened my eyes he was gone and I wasn’t down there anymore,” he told me quietly.

  
“Well you’re all right now. Did mum tell you he wasn’t real?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said quietly, “She said they wouldn’t do that. That Da wouldn’t let people do that.”

  
“That’s because Da has her believing that things he says are real even though he’s telling her lies to keep himself out of trouble. He has her believing that all of us have made it up. The pills she’s on make her tired so her head does funny things so she’s not sure of herself, only what he tells her. I know it’s hard to understand bud but, it’s all real. I can show you it’s real you want to see?” I asked him.

  
“How?” He asked me looking at me, his eyes still wet with the little tears dripping down his face.

  
I sighed not sure I was ready to show him that. To show him my scars but knowing that he needed to see them. That he needed to know what he remembered was real. That while it was just a dream Mr. Lord was real and had really hurt him.

  
“Look,” I said moving him away from my body slightly so I could lift up my shirt showing him the crescent shaped scar on my chest, “That’s from Da and his friends. They hurt me too remember?”

  
“They did?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah,” I told him swallowing back my own tears, “They’ve hurt me a lot. But I’m ok you know why?”

  
“Why?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Because I have you guys. You guys always make me feel better and I have Patrick and Cole and my other friends and it makes it hurt not so much sometimes,” I answered, “Makes it less confusing because it’s very confusing. Isn’t it?”

  
“Yes,” he said as he started crying again.

  
“Oh, I know bud, I know,” I said kissing his head as he buried his face in my chest again, “But I’m right here and I know it’s real. You can see it’s real because dreams don’t leave marks like that. Mum is sick right now so we need to ignore her because she doesn’t understand. Think of her mind as being like Andy’s mind, bud. She doesn’t understand certain things right now ok? And trying to make her understand is only going to confuse her and make her scared so we need to just not say anything about it to her all right?” I said rocking him lightly.

  
“I miss mummy like she was before,” he sighed into my chest softly.

  
“I know love,” I told him, “Me too but we’ll get her back. She just needs time all right?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Da’s been gone a lot since she came home.”

  
“I know but that just means he’s busy with other things,” I told him not wanting to go into detail of what that actually meant. That it meant Da was leaving Will and I alone. That he wasn’t hurting us because he only molested James sometimes whereas with Will and I it was constant.

  
“Uncle Ben is gone too,” he told me, “I don’t like him. He’s weird and he won’t play with me.”

  
“That’s ok though,” I said, “You can play with me and I promise I’m a lot nicer. If you ever want to play with me you just have to ask.”

  
“But Alice says to leave you alone,” he told me.

  
“Yes, but that’s because Alice knows I’m really tired a lot. So, she worries about me but next time you want me to play tell Alice I said it was ok for you to come and ask. I may not always want to but it never hurts you to ask me all right?” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said, “Mummy said yesterday Da’s friends are coming over. Does that mean he’s going to come?”

  
I sighed, “You mean Mr. Lord? I don’t know bud. I have no idea who is coming and who isn’t. However, I will be here too. You know you’re never alone even when they make you go downstairs by yourself right? Will and I are always here and so is Mikey. I know it’s scary. That it makes you feel weird even when it doesn’t hurt but, you can talk to Will or me about it anytime you need to.”

  
“Like when Da does funny things with his mouth?” He asked me quietly averting his eyes.

  
“Yeah like that,” I told him.

  
“He does that to you too?” He asked me, “Puts his mouth there and it steals your air and then you can’t stop shaking and it feels bad and weird and tickles all at once.”

  
“Yeah,” I swallowed but managed to answer.

  
“I don’t like it when he does that,” James told me.

  
“Me neither,” I answered, “But you remember your castle? Have you been trying to go there when he does that?”

  
“Yeah but sometimes it doesn’t work. I tell him I don’t like it but he says that I don’t know what I like. That I’m lying,” James told me.

  
“You can’t listen to him. You can’t. He wants you to be confused like he’s confused mum and you can’t let him do that to you. You’re a smart boy. You know how you feel and you need to listen to that, not to him. It’s like him handing you a red crayon and telling you it’s blue. You know he’s lying. You know what you see. You have to believe yourself before you believe anyone else, all right? Even me,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said, “But don’t tell him he’s lying?”

  
“Right or else he’ll get mad. And he’s worse when he’s mad,” I said.

  
“I know. I remember,” he told me.

  
“Remember what?” I asked curious.

  
“The bird house,” he said quietly, “The gold bird house downstairs. He grabbed you hard because he was mad. Because you wouldn’t let him take me first. He smashed you on it and he hurt you just like he hurt Pat and Cole too.”

  
“You remember that?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, when Mr. Lord comes over he takes me there. He doesn’t take me into the bird house room but the other room and he hurts me. He hurts a lot. He makes it hard to walk and I bleed sometimes. Only for a little while though,” he told me.

  
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew it was normal for him to bleed a little because he was so small and they were so big. Hearing about it though, that he made him bleed scared me, made me angry. No one ever has the right to do that to anyone. Especially a little boy who thinks he did something wrong to deserve it. A little boy who can’t possibly understand why someone would do that to him. Why someone hates him that much they would want to hurt him, to make him bleed.

  
“How many times have you seen him since that first time?” I asked.

  
“Two times since Montana,” he told me, “When they had you away for a long time and then again little bit ago when you were gone. I asked Will why they only did it when you’re not here and he said because Mr. Lord would make you mad if you knew. If you knew me and Will were with him.”

  
“Will is right he does make me mad. He makes me very mad,” I answered, “But not at you, you understand that, right?”

  
“Yeah, I understand,” he said, “Like how Uncle Ben makes me mad when he’s mean to Mike and he makes Mike cry.”

  
“Yes, exactly like that that,” I said to him, “Where has Uncle Ben been, do you know?”

  
“No, Da said he was gone away for a while but that he’s coming back soon. That he just went away so mummy could come back and not be upset but now that she’s not upset anymore he can come back. Uncle Ben is weird though. He says he wants to play with me sometimes but he won’t. He says he’s not allowed to.”

  
“Good at least he’s listening,” I said.

  
“He said he’s not allowed to play with anyone but the twins and that it makes him upset. Because he wants to play with everyone. He told me something once and I think it was bad,” he told me quietly.

  
“What did he say? You won’t get in trouble for telling me, I promise. I’ll never be mad at you for telling me anything,” I assured him.

  
“He told me he wanted to play with you and me at the same time but that I shouldn’t say that because it would scare you. It would make you mad with me,” James told me.

  
“No, I’m not mad at you,” I said right away, “I’m glad you told me.”

  
“What did he mean when he said that?” James asked, “I think it was bad but I don’t know.”

  
“He means play with us like the way Mr. Lord plays with you,” I said, “So yeah he meant something bad. But, that won’t happen. I won’t let it.”

  
“That’s when Mr. Lord hurts me you know?” He asked me as if to clarify that I knew what he meant, “He says play but I don’t think he’s playing because it hurts. Playing with everyone else doesn’t hurt. Not even with Da with. Da it just makes my tummy feel weird and my skin feel funny and steals my air but with Mr. Lord it hurts really bad.”

  
“I know, I understand,” I said nodding my head, “Let’s try to not worry about it so much right now ok? We’re safe and today we’re going to have a fun day off school and we can play with the hot wheel track if you like or maybe candy land if you want.”

  
“Could we? I like playing Candyland and Matt and Mike never want to play with me and last time I tried to play with just Andy and Laura all Andy wanted to do was jump his guy around the board and not even follow the rules,” he told me.

  
“Yes, you and I will play Candy Land. You want to go ask Catty if she would like to play and I’ll go ask Will?” I told him.

  
“Yeah that would be fun,” he told me.

  
I spent the rest of the morning playing candy land and getting hungry. Around noon I went into the kitchen to grab myself some fruit salad from the fridge just as the lift clicked on. I wasn’t sure who it would be because mum and Alice were downstairs cooking and watching Mary and Seamus while Debbie was busy watching Mac, Andy and Laura in the nursery so I had no idea if it would be mum and Alice coming up to grab something from one of the toddlers that were underfoot or if it was going to be Da coming to check on things, to make sure we understood what was going on. That people were coming to dinner. Who it was and how we should behave.


	38. 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da talks John into an exchange, time alone for information which gets disrupted when James walks in without knocking. John is barely able to talk Da out of a bad idea only convincing Da that they should show James rather than include him in some vile acts passing through Da's head. After thanksgiving Dinner the older boys are locked in a room left with only their anxiety and each other to keep them company as tempers flare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 773 to 796. Probably the only update before Christmas because I have a paper to write and other homework to do. Don't get mad about my cliff hanger, just hang on lots of bad stuff coming this way. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced father/son incest, talk of child sexual abuse, physical abuse, very underage sexual abuse**
> 
> I'd like to wish you all a marry Christmas or happy holidays. Wish me luck and hope that I continue. I don't know lately things are getting harder and I just don't know. I keep telling myself that my boys, my children deserve their ending but it's getting harder. Keep in your thoughts I guess people.

Sure, enough when the door opened it was Da. He saw me standing in the kitchen and I sighed. There wasn’t really anywhere to run to, anything I could do to keep him from coming after me if he wanted me. Which the look in his eyes told me he did. I sighed putting my bowl back down on the counter. I allowed him to come up to me. To hug me even though it made me feel sick, frozen inside.

“How are you doing baby?” He asked me.

“I’m fine,” I answered shifting in his arms hoping he would let me go.

“You want to talk?” He asked.

“Are you actually going to talk to me and can you do it without really touching me?” I asked him.

“Maybe, you know I’ve missed you. That I love you,” he sighed letting me go, “If you play nice I’ll tell you what to expect. Who is coming.”

“Can’t you just tell me anyway?” I asked quietly.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he repeated trailing a hand down the front of my shirt making me gulp loudly.

Was it worth it? To know what was coming? To know if I just had to worry about myself or worry about me and everyone else. I wasn’t sure but I knew it was better me right now then Will, or someone else.

I nodded my head, “My bedroom ok?”

“Yeah,” he said smiling, “That sounds nice.”

I could feel my heart trying to escape my body. I knew what I was agreeing to. I hated myself for it but I knew what I was agreeing to.

When we got into my bedroom he turned shutting the door behind, us lifting my shirt over my body and letting it fall to the floor. Him kissing my neck, a tangle of hands on my body sliding along my chest and arms. His tongue sliding along my neck causing me to close my eyes. To try to keep breathing as my skin started to make me feel sick, that feeling crawling underneath it.

“Shhh, you’re shaking its ok baby,” he whispered into my skin, “It’s ok.”

“Da,” I said shaking my head as his hand went to my fly.

“It’s ok baby,” he said kissing me, forcing his tongue into my mouth to slide along my soft pallet for just a second before he broke the kiss. His tongue finding its way down my chest and to one of my nipples making me whimper as he started to tease it, his hands undoing my pants, “You do this you get all the information you need to prepare yourself.”

“Ok,” I whimpered biting my bottom lip to keep it from trembling as he started pulling my pants off started exposing me, “What are you going to do?” I asked.

He slid his own t-shirt off and letting it drop to the floor beside the bed. His hand finding my naked hip as he made me lay back on the bed. “Shhh, it’s ok. I’m just going to make you feel good, all right? I promise baby that’s all,” he said climbing on top of me pinning me under him, his kisses trailing down my stomach.

“And if I do you’ll tell me everything right?” I asked hearing how shaky my voice was, feeling embarrassed about it.

“Yeah baby, everything,” he assured me nipping at my belly button causing me to squeeze my eyes closed.

“Ok,” I said as his hand slid down there making me jump. Making me bite my lip again as I closed my eyes wishing I was anywhere else.

“Yeah it feels good huh?” He said as I became erect. As I started panting as he played with me, “God you’re so perfect.” He muttered. His other hand petting my thigh as he kissed my pubic bone.

I wanted him to stop. But I needed this information so I could know what I was capable of doing when it came to protecting my brothers. If that meant letting my Da blow me I would do it no matter how much I hated myself for it. His hand stroking me just right. Just enough to make my body shake. Make it hard to breathe. Before I could stop myself, I whimpered slightly.

“Yeah? That’s it baby, make those sounds for me ok beautiful?” He muttered before that wetness engulfed me making me pant harder. Making it almost impossible for my brain to actually think as my nervous system got hit with that cold fire spreading up my body. 

He ran his tongue along the underside of my shaft before he relaxed his throat taking me deep inside his mouth pushing me over the edge. Leaving me sweaty and panting and hating my body for what it had done, for letting him make me feel that way. He moved his weight forward pulling the sheet with him so I didn’t have to lay there naked and exposed as he cuddled me. Holding me against his chest even as I laid there stiff just wishing he would let me go and tell me what I wanted to know. I sighed heavily before looking up at him careful not to push him away.

“Are you going to tell me now?” I asked him quietly.

“I promised I would, didn’t I?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “What would you like to know?”

“Who is going to be there and what is going to happen,” I answered, sitting up so that I felt a little taller, a little stronger.

“Leo, Arthur, Ben, Hank Mr. Lord and me. Mr. Lord is going to be staying for three days. Everyone else, it’s going to be more of an overnight thing,” he answered watching my expression as I frowned doing the math in my head knowing that they usually shifted bottoms at my Da’s special parties making myself nervous knowing Mr. Lord was going to be there.

“Who else?” I asked.

“Why does it matter?” He asked me.

“Because I need to know. Those are my brothers that you’re letting some perv…” Just then his fist clamped hard around my throat choking off my air supply as I looked at him.

“Watch your mouth. They might be your brothers but they are MY sons just you like. You understand? You have no say in who they sleep with. Only I get to decide that. So, if you think anything you can say or do in this instance is going to stop anything from happening you are sadly mistaken. You are so mistaken you want to keep it up? I will make sure at the end of the night you can’t sit down for a week if you catch my drift. So, if I were you I would watch what I say very very carefully because you might not be the only one paying for your smart-ass remarks understand me?” He hissed to which I nodded my head.

He knew that would shut me up. Threatening them. It always did because nothing else in the world mattered more to me than they did. He could do a million things to me and while I would hate it I sometimes felt like I deserved it but I never thought they deserved anything like that. That it was my job to take it so they didn’t have to.

“Now can you try to answer my question in a way that won’t get your air taken away?” He asked me as he let go of my neck causing me to sit up and rub it lightly where it felt like the bones and ligaments in my neck had been squeezed together tightly.

“Can you please tell me so I can make sure they are prepared to deal with it?” I tried.

“Better,” he answered giving a curt nod to show he was satisfied, “Pat and Cole will be there obviously and I’m thinking Will Mike and Matty because Leo’s wife has Rich this holiday.”

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head. I wasn’t pleased that Mike and Matt would be involved but at least it meant James wouldn’t be. At least even though they were barely old enough to understand what was happening wasn’t their fault they had that where James was just seven. Just little tiny still and couldn’t understand Why Da hated him. Why Da let Mr. Lord hurt him and make him feel bad.

“Yeah, it’ll be a lot of fun,” he told me, “I won’t tell you what I’m hoping we get to do but, now you know what’s happening. Does that make you feel better?”

“Not really,” I answered, “Why do we have to? I mean mum just got back so it doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense to you baby. You just have to do what I say all right?” He told me rubbing my cheek, “God you’re so perfect.”

I swallowed. He was going to rape me. Make me have sex with him. I was naked I was very aware of the fact I was naked but he said if I did what he wanted he would tell me what to except and then he’d let me go. But he wasn’t planning on just letting me go, just stopping. I could see it written all over his face, in his eyes.

“Da…,” I said trying to figure out what I could say to change his mind.

“Shhh, it’s ok baby. I made you feel good. Don’t you want me to feel good? I’ve missed how you feel,” he said climbing on top of me.

“Please…” I barely dared to whisper, “I have to tonight. Please? I’d rather not right now.”

He moved sliding his pants off and throwing them over me so they landed on the floor next to mine, “You have no idea how good you feel do you baby?” He said sliding on top of me his mouth moving down my neck again, into my collar bone.

He pushed me hard forcing my arms up above my head squeezing my wrist together in one hand the bones grinding on each other as he pulled himself out of his boxers.

“Da please, please,” I begged shaking my head.

“Just a little baby. I promise, just a little bit,” he said reaching over to my nightstand taking the tub of Vaseline out and using his mouth the pop the lid off the jar and scoop some into his free hand applying it to himself as he forced my legs apart.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip to keep myself from screaming, from protesting as I felt him rub against me. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be used just to be forced downstairs and reused. I didn’t want this, I couldn’t do this.

“It’s ok baby, just relax,” he said pushing into me, “God you feel amazing. You know how much I’ve missed being inside of you, being a part of you?” He breathed as I wiggled trying to get him to pull out. Causing him to grab on my hips and press in deeper so he was balls deep in me.

“Da please,” I begged that uncomfortable feeling of being full pushing against my body against my bowels.

“God, you feel so good, so tight,” he breathed rolling his hips pulling out before he pushed back in making me gasps, “That’s it baby.”

“Daddy please, please,” I begged starting to cry as he started rubbing against that spot on every up thrust.

“It’s ok baby. You’re doing great. You feel so fucking tight it’s amazing,” he muttered kissing my neck aggressively.

“It hurts,” I moaned.

“You might say that but there are parts of you that aren’t,” he said reaching a hand in-between us and grabbing my erection.

“Da,” I hissed desperately as he rolled his hips again making my eyes flutter.

“That’s it baby give into it. Let it feel good beautiful,” he said picking up his pace.

“John!” I heard before the door bursts open and standing there was James his eyes wide before he started screaming, crying. It sounded like someone had ripped his heart out. Da was up and pulling James in by the elbow smacking him across the face.  
“QUIT SCREAMING!” He shouted, “You want to keep screaming I will string you up in that basement and Lionel can play with you until you can’t scream anymore. Because you think he’s tough to deal with now you should see him when he’s pissed because little boys don’t know how to knock.”

“James it’s ok. Come here,” I said covering myself with a sheet before I held out my arms to him.

He ran to me and hugged me tightly around the neck. He seemed terrified by what he had walked into. His sobs still racking his body only silent, Da’s threat effectively silencing him. Even at the age of seven he understood that obeying Da was important. Was something you always did no matter what.

“He was hurting you,” he whimpered squeezing me around the neck a little tight.

“Look at me, look at me bud,” I sand tilting his chin gently so he could see into my eyes, “I’m not hurt. I’m ok.”

“No you aren’t ok. I know you aren’t ok because that hurts. I know it hurts,” James babbled.

“Bud,” I said again making sure he was looking me in the eyes, “I’m ok. I swear, I will never lie to you. I’m fine. Ok?”

“No, he’s going to hurt you,” he whimpered hugging me tighter.

I looked at Da and I saw something there I didn’t like. Something I knew was bad that I was seeing there. I felt like I knew what that look was saying and that look wasn’t good.

“Hey bud? You need to listen to me and you need to go into your room and shut the door and don’t come out ok?” I told him.

“Oh, he’s not going anywhere,” Da said and I shook my head.

“I won’t do it,” I said shaking my head.

“Oh, we’re going to play that game. You don’t I will, I’ll show him it doesn’t have to hurt,” Da promised, “Come here James, come see Daddy.”

“Da no! I won’t watch that! I’ll leave the room,” I threatened.

“You leave I’ll make sure Lionel gets a lot of alone time with him,” he promised.

“Da come on! He’s little! You can’t do this. What if…,” I felt my cheeks burning just thinking of it, “What if we showed him?” I asked.

“You’re going to show him,” Da said, “You won’t hurt him. I know you would never hurt him.”

“You don’t want me anymore?” I asked standing up making myself go numb. Walking towards Da slowly, seductively.

I wrapped my arms around his neck standing on my tip toes, my hands shaking as he grabbed my naked hips pulling me to him. I didn’t want to do this but if it meant keeping James safe. Making sure he wasn’t touched I would. 

“Oh, I want you baby but I want your brother to understand I wasn’t hurting you,” he told me quietly.

“Why don’t we let him watch us?” I whispered in Da’s ear watching his face light up at the idea. The idea of raping me in front of my little brother, his hardness pressed tight against my stomach.

He smiled at me and nodded his head his chest almost heaving in excitement, “Ok,” he said barely able to speak.

He leaned down kissing me aggressively grabbing my asscheeks, not allowing me to pull away. “Oh, shit,” was all I could think trying to calm myself down. Trying to remind myself that I was doing this so James didn’t have to. He pushed me down against the bed, forcing me to roll over onto my stomach, wasting no time pushing back into me making me whimper in pain.

“It’s ok baby,” Da breathed, “I’m going to make you feel good ok?”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like he was crushing me, each thrust tearing at me as he hissed at James to watch, not to take his eyes off of us. The sensations too conflicting and too tense for me to do anything. I closed my eyes and tried not to make a sound as he thrusted into me. I knew James was watching quietly, watching us a confused look on his face.

“Ahhh,” I moaned before I could stop the sound from coming out. My face turned red as he stroked my prostate, concentrating all his effort on hitting it.

“That’s it baby. My good boy, yeah? God, you feel so good,” he told me as I bit my lip to hold back another moan keeping my eyes closed tightly.

“Daddy stop please. I’ll be good, just stop hurting him,” James begged watching us.

“I’m not hurting him bud. Look at his face, how is eyes are closed his mouth open. How he’s breathing heavy. That’s because it feels good. Doesn’t it baby?” He asked me running his tongue along my spine.

“Shit,” I moaned before I could stop myself. The sensation shooting ice cold fireworks up my spine.

“Yeah? That’s it baby. I’m so close and you’re close too, I can tell. God yes, you feel so amazing. My special boy,” he muttered kissing into my neck as my whole body started to seize up my orgasm squeezing my muscles together around him making him cum inside of me, “That’s it good boy. My good little cum bucket. You want all my cum, don’t you? Don’t you baby, my sweet little cum bucket wanting to take all my cum. That’s my good boy,” he said running a hand though my hair as he kissed all over the nape of my neck, “That’s my boy. You’re so good to me baby, so good to me.”

He waited until I was done panting to pull out, putting himself back into his boxers that he had never taken off and pulling my sheet around me so I wasn’t naked. I kept eyes closed not wanting to see James staring at me. Not wanting to have to deal with the after math and the questions he would have as Da got dressed silently. I curled myself into a ball embarrassed and wondering how I was going to explain this.

I heard the door open and close quietly and then I felt a little hand grab my own which caused me to open my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach looking at his face. Seeing how scared he was, how worried he was about me. I had done that for him but it still didn’t make me feel any better. I felt gross and ashamed.

“You saved me,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” I answered pulling his hand to my face kissing the back of his hand as I cried, “I hate him.”

“Did it hurt? Da kept saying it wasn’t hurting and you weren’t saying anything,” James asked me.

“It’s hard to explain,” I answered quietly, “I didn’t like it though. You need to keep this a secret ok?”

“Between us?” He asked me.

“Yeah, between us. Please?” I asked him.

“He was going to hurt me, wasn’t he?” James asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “Yeah he was going to hurt you. I couldn’t let him. I know it was gross. I’m sorry you had to see it. It’s not fair. You shouldn’t have to see it.”

“I’m sorry I got you in trouble,” James said.

“It wasn’t you that got me in trouble. He doesn’t need an excuse to do it. He was doing it when you walked in you know?” I answered.

“I thought so but I wasn’t sure. It just looked scary. He’s never done it to me like that before. He makes me lay down on my tummy so I was confused,” James told me.

“It’s huh, just a different way is all,” I answered pulling my sheet around me and stumbling over it into the bathroom.

I didn’t care what Da wanted I was covered in his cum and mine. So, I wanted a shower, needed a shower especially before dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to that night after dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to whatever they were planning to do to us. I turned on the water and climbed in.

“I have a question,” I heard James ask suddenly opening up the bathroom door.

“Yeah?” I asked closing the shower curtain.

“Da says it’s to make us feel good, right? And that that’s how people are supposed to love their kids but you say it’s not. What is it exactly?” He asked me curiously.

“Well you and I have talked about this. That one time when you walked in to Pat and I kissing you remember?” I asked him.

“Yeah but you said that was different from what Da does,” he told me, “Is it not different?”

“It is different but that’s because I love Pat like that. He’s very special to me and one day when you have a special friend you’ll understand it’s normal to do that type of stuff with that special friend. But Da isn’t a special friend like that. But one day you’ll meet someone and you’ll want to be naked with them, to kiss them and do other stuff with them and that’s normal,” I answered.

“What’s it called?” He asked me suddenly surprising me.

He’d be having sex with Da for about a year and half. He’d walked in on it, heard Matty and Mikey doing it almost walked in on Pat and I doing it and he didn’t know what it was called? No one had ever told him what it was called.

“Sex,” I answered.

“No, that’s not sex. The guys at school say sex is when you lay naked with a girl and then you kiss her and a baby grows in her belly and then you have a baby,” he told me.

“Well huh, sometimes that can be sex, yes. But other times sex is people laying naked together and a guy sticking his penis inside someone,” I answered.

“Wait so Da’s trying to get us to have babies?” He asked and I could hear his eyes going wide.

“Huh, no we’re boys. We can’t have babies. Da is doing it because it feels good to him. Da is doing it because Da is not a good person,” I answered.

“But I thought only boys could have sex with girls,” James told me.

“Ok, listen there are different kinds of sex. What Da does is still sex. Actually, because we don’t want to do it they call it rape. It hurts. You know that it hurts, it’s… it makes you sick to your stomach and it’s not something you want to do,” I answered.

“Wait so what you and Pat were doing was having sex?” He asked.

“No, we were making out. That’s a little different then sex,” I answered.

“I’m not sure I understand,” James told me.

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I told him scrubbing my skin.

“Da said he knew it felt good to you,” he said after a moment of silence.

“Wha-what?” I stammered.

“He said because your eyes were closed and you were breathing heavy he knew it felt good. That you liked it,” James said, “Did you?”

“I…it’s hard to explain. Could we please not talk about it anymore?” I asked him sitting down on the bottom of the tub pulling my knees to my chest.

I didn’t like that it made my body do that. Him touching me made my body react that way. I didn’t like the way it felt but my body did. I wanted to hurt myself so badly at that moment. To show my body that I was in charge, not Da. That I was the one who was allowed to say what was ok and not ok to feel. To respond to.

“What about what he called you. What is that?” he asked me.

My face went red even though he couldn’t see it. I hated that he called me that. Usually it was only when we were alone but, he didn’t rape just me that often in front of my brothers. He’d raped me in front of Will and now James but that was it. I was lucky it wasn’t worse. That it wasn’t every one of them by that point. It still made me ashamed though. That he had slipped and used his nick name for me. The dirty one that made me feel bad in front of someone else.

“James,” I said quietly, “I really don’t… Can we stop please?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you sad,” I heard James say quietly, “It’s like Mr. Lord, isn’t it? How he makes my tummy tickle and feel funny sometimes even though I don’t like it and I don’t want him to.”

“Yeah,” I answered quietly, “Can we not talk about it anymore, please?”

“Yeah. We should get ready for dinner anyway,” James said to me as I heard him shift, “I’m going to go ok?”

“Yeah go get ready for dinner Bud. I’ll be out in a little while,” I answered.

I made sure I was as clean as I felt I could be, being the whore that I was. I got dressed making sure I looked somewhat nice wearing a pair of nice jeans and sweater because I wanted to make sure my body was covered knowing I would be without clothes after a while. When I came out I found almost everyone was already downstairs the only one left upstairs being Will who was dressed but seemed to be trying to avoid going downstairs.

“Do you know who is here?” He asked me joining me at the lift as I pushed the button to head downstairs.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I think we’ll be ok. We just need to listen to them and everything will be ok.”

“Says the guy who is shaking,” He grimaced at me.

“Yeah, so? I’m nervous, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure you don’t get hurt bad,” I answered.

“Do you know who else is going to be there?” He asked me cocking a nervous eyebrow at me.

I nodded my head, “I’m more worried about later though so can we just not?”

“Don’t I have a right to know who’s going to be…hurting me later?” He asked me.

“Leo is going to be there, Mr. Lord, Arthur, Hank, Uncle Ben,” I answered shakily.

“What?” Will’s face fell, “Why?”

“I don’t know. Because Da wants them to be,” I answered shrugging my shoulders trying not to cry.

“So, it’s going to be bad,” Will said and I nodded my head.

“I am going to do everything I can to keep you guys safe ok?” I swore to him.

“What do you mean? Da’s pulling more than just you and me? Who else?” Will asked.

“Will just thinking about it is freaking me out and I need to hold it together for as long as possible. So, could you please just …” I started but he cut off my words.

“You need to tell me. Please John. I need to know. I need to be ready who else?” He hissed at me as the lift opened and we stepped inside.

“The twins,” I answered quietly, “Look Pat and Cole will be there too so we’ll try to make sure it’s not you three but it’s us all right? Just trust me. Let me try and keep you safe.”

Will nodded his head. Will knew I would do what I could to protect him even if it wasn’t enough. He trusted me. He always trusted me because he knew with every fiber of his being I would do whatever I could no matter how badly it hurt me.

“Well,” Will sighed clapping me on the shoulder, “Let’s be good and keep our mouths shut and our tears inside and get through this dinner.”

“Agreed,” I said nodding my head as we came out onto the second floor and took the stairs down into the kitchen and followed the hallway to the dining room. When we got into the dining room Da was sitting at the head of the table with mum on his right and Mr. Lord on his left. Sitting next to him was Hank and Arthur and on the other side was Leo and Uncle Ben and they were all chatting with Pat sitting next to Arthur and an empty spot next to my Uncle which I knew was for me.

“John love why do you look so nervous? Why don’t you take a seat next to Ben?” mum told me gesturing to the table.

“I’m all right,” I answered quietly sitting down next to him waiting for him to touch me as I sat down but he didn’t he just turned and smiled at me.

All of my brothers and sisters were dead silent as mum chatted casually with Da and our guest and I held my breath trying to appear normal. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about until I heard my name. I turned to see everyone watching me.

“W-wha-what? I’m Sorry I was kind of just…,” I managed to stutter.

“I asked if you’ve been behaving yourself and staying in school or if you’ve been spending a lot of time on your knees asking god for forgiveness,” Mr. Lord summed up what he had said before causing Pat to spit water all over the table.

“Patrick!” My mum scolded, “Teen boys I tell you….”

“I huh…huh. I’ve been staying in school,” I answered it taking me a second to get past the second meaning of his words.

“Good to hear. After all you might work for my company one day so I would hope you have a top rate education. Especially for all the money your parents are paying,” Mr. Lord said.

“So, are you invested in my education or just making small talk to try and ease everyone?” I asked.

“Johnathan!” My mum warned me.

“I mean I have no intention of joining your company Mr. Lord. Though I thank you for the offer. I’m going to pursue other goals. At least that’s my plan,” I answered.

“Maybe for now and call me Lionel by the way,” he told me, “But you will get older and maybe you’ll change your mind.”

“Never,” I said shaking my head, “Not in a million years.”

“Surely you don’t mean that?” Lionel asked.

“I do. I might be young but I know what I want,” I answered.

“No, you don’t,” Da said looking at me and instantly flashed that angry look he always used whenever I begged him to stop “you don’t know what you want. You’re just a kid.”

I sighed closing my eyes and gripping the edge of the table. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to sit at that table and have Da tell me I didn’t know what I wanted just like he did in bed. I might have been young but, I knew I never wanted anything to do with Lionel.

“Hey,” Pat said nudging my leg with his foot across the table, “We might be young but we’re not stupid.”

He held my attention with his eyes as if he was saying “it’s ok I’m right here, nothing bad is happening right now.” As if he could see it on my face that I was trying my hardest not to freak out, not to lose touch with reality. I nodded my head taking a deep drink of water trying to calm myself back down.

“So, what about the rest of you? You, James. Are you doing well in school? I bet you’re a good boy,” Lionel said.

“Don’t you dare talk to him,” Pat spat before I could even say anything.

“PATRICK!” Hank shouted, “Don’t even start with your attitude.”

“Mum can I go use the bathroom?” James asked looking at mum his face pale.

“Yes, you may,” she said, “Is everyone almost done? Should I bring out the desert?”

“I think we’re going to have some desert later and that we have some business to discuss. If the younger boys would like to join us for a lesson in business that would be swell,” Mr. Lord said as mum stood up and started clearing plates just as Alice and Debbie came out of the kitchen and picked up babies from their highchairs.

“Ok, John, Will, Mike, Matt and of course Pat and Cole, would you please come upstairs for a while to the third floor,” Da said as we all stood.

Third floor? That was different usually it was downstairs. I thought maybe things would be tamer if they were taking us upstairs but I was slightly wrong. Once we got in the elevator Hank was right up in my space making it hard for me to breathe as my Da grabbed Pat pinning him against the wall.

“I haven’t spent time with you in a little while,” I heard Da mutter to Pat.

“Can you back off?” Pat hissed looking at him as he pushed Pat’s wrists above his head.

I hated seeing that. That he was going to make him do that. My blood was boiling as I pushed Hank away and Hank slammed me hard into a different wall.

“What is this about? Trying to protect your boyfriend? You think I’ve forgotten catching you that one time? I won’t ever forget baby but you’re mine tonight. So, you need to chill and save your energy for yourself because I like a little bit of fight,” He hissed against my neck barely loud enough for even me to hear.

I wanted to say no so I bit back anything I had to say as Hank’s hand wormed its way under my shirt pressing against the skin above my waistline. I closed my eyes trying to stay calm as I watched the way Lionel was looking at Mike, Matt standing close by shooting him a death glare because apparently no one was allowed to touch Mike but Matt in Matt’s opinion. Arthur stared at Will watching him closely.

When the elevator dinged open they pushed and shoved us into the guest room Arthur the last in shutting the door behind him. I pulled my two youngest brothers to me and Pat grabbed one putting himself between them and the adult men in the room who weren’t very nice people. They looked at us.

“Ok boys,” Lionel said looking at us, “This is either going to be very simple or it’s going to be very hard. We’re going to play some games tonight. I want everyone to behave themselves. After warm ups, we’re going to split you guys up into groups of two and then we’re going to watch you have fun with each other. There will be group things going on too but first you’re just going to play with us. I would like to be with Mike because that sweet little face….” Lionel made a clicking noise and licked his lips.

“I would love to play with John,” Hank said to which Leo sighed and Da smiled as my insides turned cold.

“Leo, you promised you’d mix it up,” Da reminded him.

“And I will,” Leo assured Da, “Just you know how I feel about him.”

“Yeah, we do,” Hank said, “But I’ve really missed his…well him in general and you get him all weekend long.”

“I’m going to play with Pat. Of course, I’m sure you already figured that out, didn’t you?” Da asked Pat looking at him.

“Yeah figures,” Pat said folding his arms in front of him staring my Da down which caused my Da to shake his head and laugh.

“Cole is mine,” Ben said simply.

“I’m playing with Will,” Leo said.

“Which means that Matty is mine, you think you can handle me?” Arthur asked Matty who didn’t even blink.

“As long as Lord here is nice to my brother I’m fine,” Matty answered.

“I see what you’re saying about him being off Connor. I can fix it for you,” Arthur said smiling.

“I knew you would be willing to help. Just don’t be too rough. I just want you to beat the disobedience out of him. He can keep a bit of the sadism,” Da said looking at Matt as I felt Hank grab me hard by the hair.

“Come here baby. I want a ginger snap,” he said to me managing to somehow grab my sweater and rip it down the shoulder until the sleeve was no longer a part of the rest of the sweater. Until my sweater had spilt from itself, being torn in half from the neck down.

“Look at that.” He mused.

He was looking at my chest as the shreds of my sweater fell down my stomach. At the way my hips curved up into a triangle that you could visibly see through my skin, my muscle that was barely there on my frame that was too scrawny, too lank. Still very much the body of a teenager and not an adult body or the body of a child. I crossed my hands over my chest feeling beyond exposed as he pressed against me grinding his pelvis against me pushing us into the wall.

“He his beautiful, isn’t he?” Leo asked watching.

I noticed all of them were watching. Their eyes hungry as they all looked at me. I felt like this was going to be a “let’s all watch John get it up the ass party” as they looked at me. It got harder to breathe his hands squeezing my hips working their way towards the fly to undo my pants.

“Hey, are you all just going to watch and ignore the rest of us?” Pat asked suddenly drawing everyone’s attention but Hank’s.

“Really?” Will asked looking at Pat.

“What?” He asked, “You want them to all just stare at him like he’s fillet magnon? He’s a person and personally I don’t want to watch them watch that with their dicks getting hard and their eyes all buggy like that. It’s fucking creepy.”

“Boys,” Da said looking at both of them, “Shut up. We’re not here for long and I do believe we have some other things we have to discuss in my office isn’t that right sir?”

Mr. Lord cleared his throat, “Yes, that’s right. If you boys will stay here for now, not that we’re giving you a choice, that would be great. Let’s go and discuss our other business.”

Everyone sighed and they all left the room shutting the door. Pat waited a few minutes before he tired pulling on the handle only to find it locked and sighed. He turned to look at us and shook his head.

“What the fuck dude?” Will asked looking at Pat again, “Would you rather they feel all of us up?”

“No,” Pat answered, “but I’m not going to sit here and watch them watch…,” he made a crazy gesture with his hands, “That.”

“There are other ways to pull their attention away without saying “yo what about touching us dirty?” because I personally don’t want them touching me at all. Ever,” Will said.

“So, what? You’re going to serve your brother up to them? Nice Will. Real fucking nice,” Pat scoffed.

“No, he’s a person I realize. But, I don’t want their hands on me. Are you saying you wouldn’t just stand here and wished they would stop without drawing attention to yourself?” Will hissed.

“No, I wouldn’t,” Pat said, “Trust me. I wouldn’t.”

“Oh, dear lord we already know!” Matt said, “And we’re not saying anything because we’re not stupid.”

“Know what?” Pat and I asked at the same time.

“That you two are very close maybe?” Cole said smiling.

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t say anything!” I hissed at Will.

“He didn’t,” Matt answered, “James told us he found you naked kissing a while ago. Like three months ago. It was all he would talk about because he couldn’t understand why it was different from what Da does so I had to explain to him that when you really like people sometimes you kiss them. I tried to get him to ignore the fact that there might have been tongue involved but told him he couldn’t tell anyone about it unless he wanted you to get hurt. Because I do have friends and regardless of what you may think of me and Mike we’re not stupid. We know being gay is bad and that naked kissing is kind of gay.”

“What they do to us is beyond gay,” Pat said, “So how do you explain that one?”

“I don’t know. I’m nine,” Matt sighed, “Look no more naked kissing ok? Because eventually he’s going to say something in front of the wrong person and my friend Phil his brother just got killed for messing around with other toys if you understand what I mean. Because I’m pretty sure when he said toys he didn’t mean hot wheels. His brother was lot closer to not being in the brotherhood anymore then you are.”

“You don’t ever leave the brotherhood,” Cole said, “You either sign your papers saying you’ll keep your mouth shut about how many men you’ve fucked as a kid or you join them but you don’t ever leave.”

“Cole!” Will warned frowning.

“Oh, please like they don’t hear it all the time,” Cole said.

“Ok, everyone can we please just calm down here? We’re all biting each other’s heads off and it’s not helping,” I said feeling like I was going to faint. I felt so panicked, the anger in the room just making everything worse.

“Woah, ok we’re calm. Come on, sit with me,” Pat said grabbing my right arm and pulling it over his shoulder as Cole did the same with my left. Leading me over to the bed.

“Why is his panicking?” Matt asked.

“Have you ever been downstairs?” Pat asked helping me sit down.

“No,” Matt answered.

“Well, if you had been you would know why he was panicking,” Pat said.

“Why what’s going to happen?” Matt asked something finally showing but it seemed more curious then afraid.

“They have things down there, swings, whips, restraints, bad things. Very very bad things,” Pat said.

“Whips?” He asked.

“Like the kind you use on horses,” Will answered him, “They, they’ll hurt us. Some of us really bad.”

At that Matt frowned deeply, “They’ll hurt Mike?”

“Considering Lord has claimed him, yeah. He’s probably in for some major pain because Lord isn’t nice,” Cole said.

“Do, I even want to know what he’s like?” I asked, “I’ve only been with him alone the one time.”

“He likes friction,” Cole answered not looking at anyone, “As much as possible. I mean the younger you are the nicer he is about it but, he’s not…no.”

Cole closed his eyes and kept shaking his head. Whatever it was he was referring to was something that was not good. Cole never flipped and in that moment, he was totally flipping. He was trying to hide the fact that he was losing it but he really was.

“Hey, Cole I’m right here with you,” Pat said, “You’re not that little anymore ok? He doesn’t want us. He’s not interested in us.”

I sat next to Cole closing my eyes taking his hand and squeezing it and he squeezed back. This was going to be bad. Bad for my brothers, bad for me, bad for everyone involved. I was beyond worried for Matt and Mike them never having experienced anything like this before. Having never really been down in the basement.

“He’s going to hurt us like Da does?” Mike asked.

Pat looked over at my brother and nodded his head, “We’ll try everything we can to keep you safer all right? But, we’re really limited on what we can do. Even for each other.”

“What do you mean keep us safe? How would you keep us safe?” Mike asked confusion written all over his face.

“Don’t be stupid. You know John sleeps with Da so he won’t bother us. Will does it too,” Matt answered surprising both Will and me.

“You mean they let him do it?” Mike asked just getting more and more confused, “But why? It hurts and it makes you feel weird so why would you do that?”

“Because if I do it you don’t have to,” Will answered, “You might not understand it but a lot of the time it works ok? But that won’t work right now. At least I doubt it would because they are going to take us downstairs and they are going to make us do whatever they want. Sometimes that’s bad stuff ok? What you need to do is just try and stay calm and do what they tell you do. Try and go away in your head somewhere until it’s over. Until they are done.”

“Is Uncle Ben going hurt me again?” Mike asked frowning at Matt, “Because I really don’t like that.”

“Hey, Cole are you ok?” Pat asked as Cole squeezed my hand tighter nodding his head but not opening his eyes and not answering. Cole was stark white and I knew he was feeling it, everything they had probably ever done to him just like I could often feel it. How it made me want to tear my skin from my body. How it made me want to scream but stole my voice all at the same time.

“Hey,” Will said coming over and sitting behind Cole rubbing his back slowly in circles, “Your ok right now. We’re going to be ok.” He said softly as Cole started to relax slightly.

Everyone was silent for a couple of minutes. We all knew we weren’t going to be ok. That this was way beyond anywhere ok might ever go. I didn’t know how to deal with this. With knowing Pat was right there and I couldn’t do a damn thing to help him. To get Da to leave him alone. To keep Da from saying those horrible things to Pat that he whispered to me every chance he got.

Mikey climbed into my lap and hugged me burying his face in my chest, “We’ll be ok. We’ll be good. I promise.”

“It’s not you Mike. I know you’ll do your best to be good. It has nothing to do with being good though, trust me. I’ve tried so hard to be good my whole life and that has never…” I faltered.

I wasn’t sure what to say. That being good never did me any favors besides maybe get me hit a little less, choked a little less but that it only worked with Da. That no one else seemed to care. That Hank made sure he hurt me, made sure he made me come until my whole body screamed that there wasn’t anything left. That it was too sensitive, that it hurt. That Leo was like Da and Hank combined even though he had less of a thing for pain and more of a thing for hearing me beg, hearing me scream no at the top of my lungs as he kept going until I couldn’t find my voice anymore. What did I tell him?

“Look all we have to do is meet their proclivities all right? That will make it easier. Treat it like we treat being at the Villa. I mean we’ve all been there, right?” Pat said his face stone cold.

“I didn’t like it there,” Mike uttered barely loud enough for me to hear him. He was beyond scared now. Beyond afraid probably passing into the point of numbness knowing there was no way out of this. That he was going to be hurt, that he was probably going to bleed.

“None of us like it there,” Cole sighed turning to look at him finally opening his eyes, “Listen kid you’re strong. You’re so strong. All of us are. We’re going to be ok all right?”

“Anyone remember who they said was whose?” Pat asked.

“Mike is with the leader,” Will answered, “Hank is taking John, I’m Leo’s, Arthur is taking Matt, Pat you’re Da’s and that means Cole is Uncle Ben’s.”

“You remember that?” Cole asked looking at him.

“Yeah,” Will said quietly.

“Ok Well anyone got any tips for Mike?” Pat asked.

“He doesn’t have a favorite age but he’s nicer when you’re young so, that’s in your favor. He’ll be nicer to you or so I’ve heard,” I answered looking at Mike.

“Be quiet. Don’t tell him no. Don’t yell at him. Just be as quiet as you can. If you have to cry, cry. He likes it sometimes but, do it quietly. If he tells you to do something, do it. He doesn’t like restraints but if you don’t listen he will use them and he won’t be nice about it. He’ll make sure they’re too tight. That they cut into your skin,” Cole said not looking at anyone just staring at his feet.

“Obviously I don’t need any tips. I’ve done this before,” I answered.

“What about for Will?” Pat asked.

My face went red, “I huh…”

“Hey,” Pat said as he sat behind me and Cole next to Will and started rubbing my shoulder whispering into my ear, “I’m right here Rabbit you’re ok.”

“It’s just hard to…” I tried again.

“He needs your help and this is all you can give him. God you’re shaking,” Pat said rubbing my back trying to get me to relax.

“I-I-I’m sorry I just…,” I took a couple slow deep breaths trying to calm myself down. Stop myself from shaking, “He likes it when you scream. When you tell him no. When you make sound. He…he doesn’t like restraints either but if you push him away or try to fight back he’ll use them. He likes it when you make sound, any sound even if it’s barely a grunt or … like he really likes it. I don’t know. Hummm… if he gets out anything to use just try to relax. It hurts a lot less if you can just let it happen. As much as I hate doing that, as hard as it is if you can just clear your head and not be there, it really helps. He says stuff like Da does.”

“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “I Don’t know anything about Arthur. Does anyone really?”

“He likes pain, if you don’t scream, don’t give him sound he’ll get bored and leave you alone. The more you scream and protest the more he wants to hurt you, hit you. If you can use, your mouth. If he gets off he’ll just stop. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel. He likes the whips, the clamps, the cock rings, electrodes, that type of stuff. So just be as quiet as you can that’s all I can really give you,” Cole mumbled.

“Da likes to go slow,” Will said, “He likes watching your face as he…huh…”

“If you’re expressive he seems to get him closer faster, to finishing,” I added quietly, “He’ll use restraints if he wants to but he doesn’t always. If you can get yourself there faster sometimes it helps but usually he likes to have you jizz two or three times.”  
“He likes to kiss,” Matt added, “He likes kissing a lot, like all over. Uncle Ben is mean he likes watching you do things with other people. He likes calling you names. He almost always ties you up and he’ll hit you if you’re not doing what he wants you to. Sometimes he wants you to scream other times it makes him mad.”

“He likes sticking his fingers up there,” Mike said weakly into my chest, “He hurts. Sometimes he uses other things up there too but not a lot. He poured hot wax on me once from a candle and it hurt really bad and he squeezed me and made me cry. I hate him.”

“We know,” I said rubbing his head kissing his crown, “We know.”

We were all silent. I don’t think anyone was really looking at anything or anyone else just kind of trying to prepare themselves for it. For a very long and painful night. I had no idea how they actually planned to keep mum upstairs but I wasn’t sure it mattered. I wasn’t sure any of it really mattered because I already felt trapped just like I was sure everyone else did in that moment.

The fact that we had to give each other tips made the whole thing that much more depressing. Tips on how to deal with certain people. Tips on what to do and not to do. We waited for a while before anyone spoke Pat leaning his head on my shoulder from behind.

“Are you ok?” He asked to which I sighed shaking my head.

“Is anyone?” I muttered back.

“Touché,” he answered simply, “This feels like something really wrong is going to happen here not like last time.”

“It’s because they’re making us wait,” Cole answered, “Letting our anxiety build. It’s not anything new. They just want us to freak out before they get to us. Psychological warfare bullshit.”

“It’s working,” Will said.

“No kidding,” Matt said shaking his head, “You all look scared to death.”

“And you don’t,” Pat commented.

“It’s just sex,” Matt answered, “Sure it hurts a little bit but it’s no big deal.”

We all looked at him shocked. There was something really wrong with Matty. Just sex? Being strapped down and fucked in every orifice was just sex? Being forced to cum until you couldn’t scream or feel anything anymore was just sex? That was beyond sex. That was torture and yet he wasn’t blinking an eye. And he had to deal with Arthur. Arthur who would string him up and light him up like a fucking Christmas tree if he was allowed to.

“You really think it’s just sex?” Will asked frowning.

“Yeah I mean that’s all it is. Just different ways to do it. And it’s not all bad ask John he’ll tell you,” Matt said gesturing to me.

“John doesn’t like it,” Cole said without hesitation.

“Why does he do it then?” Matt asked, “Da’s shown me videos. He likes it. He makes sounds and he lets Da do it. Why would you do something you don’t like not even a little bit?”

“To keep your Dad from doing it to you, dumbass,” Pat hissed, “If you weren’t 9 I’d so kick your ass right now.”

“Why because you don’t want to hear about him having sex with other people? That maybe they feel nice too?” Matt asked shrugging his shoulders his eyes cold, “There’s nothing wrong with admitting it feels good sometimes. You know that, right?”  
“It doesn’t feel good,” Cole spat, “Having your body …just no. It doesn’t feel good. Your brother breaks down constantly because he hates it, because it doesn’t feel good. It makes him so sick to his stomach he can barely eat. Why do you think he’s so skinny? He can’t stand being in his own skin because of what they do and you think he likes it?”

“Da says he does. Da says it doesn’t matter what someone says about it. What matters is how tight their body gets when he brings them to that place. When he fills their body with that tickle that feels like sparks moving under their skin. He says that always tells him the truth,” Matt answered.

“Fuck that, and John. I don’t say this to be mean but, I really hope that my Dad whips it out of him because he’s beyond screwed up,” Cole said shaking his head.

“No one deserves that,” I answered, “No matter how sick he is that’s exactly what he is, is sick. He’s just a little boy, guys.”

“I’m sick because I don’t let them scare me? Because I can admit that sometimes it feels nice? Because I can tell someone is jealous that you’re with other people and because I believe Da? If you ask me it sounds like you guys are the ones with the problems. You’re sitting here trembling scared when all you have to do is play the game, show them you’re ok with it and maybe they might lose a little interest. If you really hated it that much you would be more like me. Less scared more accepting but, what do I know? I’m only nine,” Matt said smiling slightly, “You can ask Mikey if it feels good without the pain he’ll tell you that I’m good at making people feel nice. Da says so too and Uncle Ben. Why be upset over something you’re good at?”

“I’m not jealous. I care about him. I’m afraid for him because he doesn’t want to,” Pat said shaking his head, “Your brain is all sorts of screwed up.”

“Da says that white stuff only comes out when someone really likes it. If he didn’t like it his body wouldn’t have the white stuff coming out of it,” Matt said.

“That’s not true,” Cole said shaking his head, “That’s not anywhere near true. It just happens. It’s like sneezing, it just happens. That doesn’t mean you like it.”

“That’s not true,” Matt said a bit of child showing through finally.

“It is,” Cole said, “You can’t believe everything your Da tells you. I bet he still tells you that the tooth fairy is real and Santa. Well, guess what? They aren’t. How can you trust someone that would lie about that?”

“What?” Mike asked his eyes wide.

“Sorry bud,” I said sheepishly.

“You’re about a year late for that one. Good try though,” Matt said, “I suppose that probably not everything he says is true, you’re right. But, with that thinking how do I know what you say is true?”

“Look it up and trust that we know how it feels. Because this is something that we’ve been going through a lot longer than you remember even being alive. Ask John. He’ll tell you.”

“That’s true,” I said not looking at him as Mike looked up at me confusion and terror written all over his face.

“What happened?” Mike asked.

“I was little tiny… I was,” I sighed, “I was maybe five I think. Four? I don’t really remember but Da started hurting me when I was small.”

“That’s not true,” Matt said, “Da would never hurt you if you were good. He says you aren’t good a lot that’s why he has to hurt you sometimes. That’s why he lets Hank play with you.”

“It doesn’t matter how good I am,” I said realizing what I was admitting to myself as the words left my lips. That it wasn’t me.

That there wasn’t anything I could do or not do that would make them leave me alone. That this “punishment” because that’s what I felt it was, wasn’t because of me at all. I could have done everything perfectly and it wouldn’t have mattered at all. In fact, they often told me I was perfect. That it was my fault they liked hurting me because I was so perfect, so good. I stood up Mike managing to land on his feet as I went into the bathroom slamming the door not able to breathe anymore.

I felt like I was trapped, like I would always be trapped. I didn’t want to be good anymore, perfect anymore. I wanted to be something else, anything else. Those words echoing in my head over and over like a broken record as I tried to catch my breath.  
I heard shouting but it sounded like it was coming from far away and then the bathroom door opened and Pat hugged me tight rubbing my back.

“It’s ok, you’re ok. You’re human. You’re just human. That’s all and that’s all you need to be Rabbit I swear to you,” Pat said almost as if reading my mind. As if knowing that I wasn’t worried there was something wrong with me but more that I was worried there was nothing wrong with me and that’s why they liked hurting me because they found everything about me appealing in some way.

I let him hold me as he kept repeating himself over and over, “You’re just human. It’s ok to be human.”

I felt my heart starting to slow, my stomach moving back into my abdomen and out of my throat as he held me, as I squeezed him back. This was too much. Matt and his whatever was wrong with him and having to deal with Hank after Da. Then having to deal with Leo starting tomorrow morning probably. It was all too much. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die and Pat knew that, he could sense that.

After a few minutes when he had felt me calm down he pulled away so he could look me in the eyes, “You’re right, he’s sick. I’m sorry I let him make me angry.”

“I don’t think he cares,” I said, “I think he knows what he’s saying isn’t right and that he’s just saying it to mess with us, to make it worse so maybe if we just quit talking to him he’ll stop. I don’t know. Sometimes I hope it’s just a phase but sometimes I doubt it is. He just seems so wrong so often. I don’t know.”

“I hope you’re right. Do you know what happened to him? I mean to make him that cold that, mixed up?” Pat asked me quietly.

I just shook my head. I had no idea. My guess was as good as anyone’s. Maybe he was always that way, born to be cold and unfeeling and we had just never noticed it until it was too late. Or maybe it was something Da did, Ben did. Maybe it was because of all the things he had seen and experienced that no one should ever have to deal with. I didn’t know and I still really don’t have an answer.

“He shouldn’t be here,” I mumbled quietly burying me head into Pat’s shoulder as he still held me, hugged me.

“Who Rabbit?” He questioned.

“Leo, Leo shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be… not with Will,” I barely managed thinking of how gross Leo made me feel, how he pushed into me and told me I was ok, that I was a good boy. That I was perfect.

“Hey, I’m right here. You’re ok right now. You’re safe right now,” Pat said rubbing small circles with his finger tips on my back, “Don’t think about him. Don’t let him scare you, please.”

“He’s going to hurt my brother Pat, he’s going to…,” I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. They were going to hurt my brothers. They were going to make them cry and beg. They were just going to hit them and yell at them for saying no or they were going to laugh and tell them to make more noise. To keep letting them know what it felt like. The whole idea made me feel sick to my stomach.

“I know but there isn’t anything we can do. I can’t even protect you and you’re the most important thing in the world,” Pat told me pressing his forehead to mine gently holding the back of my neck, “I love you and it’s killing me thinking about what they are going to do. That I can’t even tell them not to or tell them to do it to me instead because it just means they’ll choke you and make sure you hurt or something worse.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” I told him remembering last time. How they had hung me from the hook and raped me making him watch as the pain from my shoulder caused me to pass out. How they had looped one of the chains under my chin and told Pat they would drop the chains my arms were being held from and make sure I was only hanging from my neck choking me if he looked away.

“I still feel like it was. They could have killed you because I wanted them to stop hurting you. Because I asked them to stop hurting you. I won’t make that mistake again,” Pat told me.

“I know you won’t. I only ask that you try and keep them safe for me ok? Because you know your Dad he’s going to…he’s not going to be nice,” I said the skin prickling on the back of my neck already.

Pat nodded his head and kissed me lightly on the lips, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said returning the small kiss.

Before I realized it, my tongue was pressing against his lips, asking for permission and he granted it, parting his lips allowing my tongue inside the warm cavern of his mouth. He tasted like tobacco and cranberries. Probably from the cranberry sauce he had eaten at dinner. He felt warm, his nails dragging playfully along my back spiking my nerves and making me tingle in a warm way. A good way. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him on my skin, to taste him in my mouth but he grabbed my cheek softly and pulled away breaking our kiss.

“You know we can’t,” he told me to which I nodded my head.

“I just needed something to hold onto. Something that isn’t them,” I told him nodding my head to which he smiled.

“I make you feel that much better?” He asked the smile still playing on his face lighting up his eyes that reminded me of the ocean on a clear day.

I nodded my head breathing deeply, “Yes. You make me forget them. Forget how they feel. Make me feel like I’m worth it, worth loving.”

“You’re worth so much more than just loving Rabbit. You’re worth protecting, cherishing. I just wish I could give you that,” Pat told me his thumbs caressing either side of my face gently as he looked at me intensely.

“You give me what you can,” I answered feeling the flush in my cheeks. Feeling embarrassed that he thought I was worth protecting because I never felt like I was.

“We should probably leave the bathroom before someone thinks we’re fucking,” Pat said.

That caused me to laugh. It was a laugh that I needed, my anxiety beyond pulsing still. My whole being beyond tense. I sighed nodding my head in agreement. It wasn’t like we had sex all the time but as far as anyone knew or cared to believe we were constantly fucking.

Pat opened the door and we walked back out Will and Cole staring at us.

“What?” Pat asked them.

“Have fun?” Cole asked us.

“We didn’t do anything,” Pat said honestly.

“I find that hard believe,” Cole said.

“Cole,” I said shaking my head, “Think about what we have to deal with whenever they come back. Would you be in the mood to mess around?”

“Fair enough,” Cole said, “Fair enough and thank you for reminding me.”

“You’re very welcome,” I said.

“Ok,” Will sighed, “Everyone can we just be a little nicer to each other please? We’re up shit creek without a paddle all in the same boat. So, please just everyone be nicer.”

“You do have a point,” I said as Matt and Mike stared at us curiously.

“Are you two ok?” Pat asked looking at them.

“Yeah, you’re just swearing a lot and Mike doesn’t really… we’re nine,” Matt reminded us.

“It’s hard to remember that, the way you act,” Pat commented, “We’re sorry. We’ll watch the language ok?”

“Ok,” Mike said, “Can we turn on the TV or something?”

“I’m not sure that would be a good idea bud,” I said shaking my head, “I mean they are in a meeting across the hall and if we’re quiet they’ll stay away for longer. If we turn on the tv or something it might draw their attention sooner.”

“Oh,” Mike huffed and sat down on the floor, “Are we going to do anything?”

“I’m going to nap,” Will commented, “It’s going to be a long night so I think napping would be a good place to start.”

“I think you’re actually right Will,” Cole said, “Do we have lots of blankets maybe we could make some forts and just like hide out?”

The lock made a noise as the door knob rattled and turned the door opening. They were standing there. I sighed trying to keep myself together, trying to keep a strong face for my little brothers who had never done this before. This was going to be difficult.


	39. 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and the guys endure a long, painful and difficult night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is pages 796 to 817. A lot of stuff happens a lot of stuff that is very graphic. There is an 9 year old involved and an 11 year old in a sexual situation that they don't want to be in that none of them want to be in with a 14 year old and a 13 year old who also don't want to be in that situation doing those things. It's emotionally traumatic for all parties involved not to mention physically exhausting so if you think reading this will make you physically ill don't read this chapter. I actually almost got physically ill editing it which I guess is saying something. Again I am not ok with anyone doing any of the things mentioned to anyone let alone children. I believe people who do these types of things to others should be shot among other things. **Warnings: rape by-proxy, rape/non-con, forced rimming, forced oral, forced anal, forced kissing, mentions of physical abuse. Mentions of spanking and whipping of young children. forced bondage, sensory deprivation, child sexual abuse, forced sexual assault of an 8 year old and 11 year old, talk of really underage sexual abuse, mental health issues**

“Mum is upstairs and Alice and Debbie went home so we can head down,” Arthur said popping his head in the door, “Come on guys.”

So that was what they had been waiting for? That was why they locked us in that room to sit there staring at each other terrified. Nice, that was just awesome. We all stood slowly getting up from where we were sitting everyone still fully clothed but me because Hank had so kindly ripped my sweater from my body and I wasn’t wearing anything under it and all walked into the lift taking it downstairs.

When we got down there Hank and Da, Leo and Mr. Lord were already in the kitchen sipping what looked like tea or coffee while Ben and Arthur escorted us into the room. The air in the room changed so charged with fear it could electrocute someone as I hugged myself trying to make myself small and noticed everyone else was more or less doing the same.

“Ok this is how we’re going to do this, Arthur, Ben and Connor are taking the red room without the beds. We added a blow-up mattress to the other room and the room is divided into three different spaces so you don’t have to see each other for this part,” Mr. Lord said, “Everyone plays safe, clothes are left outside the room for our lovely party favors here and that’s that. For right now.”

I swallowed as Da started leading us downstairs Hank grabbing me from behind digging his nails into the skin above the waist of my jeans making me tense up grabbing the top of his hands asking him without words to stop. Telling him I wasn’t ready yet that he needed to wait.

“It’s ok, Leo and I had a long talk I have to play gentle he says you like playing gentle,” He whispered into my ear as he nibbled my ear lobe.

I wanted him to wait, needed him to wait and he wasn’t waiting. My body started to panic my skin crawling as he pressed hard into me digging his nails deeper into my exposed skin above the waist band of my jeans. I bit down on my tongue trying to keep myself from whimpering from drawing attention to us as everyone else started down the stairs. 

“Do you Johnny? Do you like playing gentle?” He asked me and I knew I was supposed to answer but wasn’t sure how to find my voice until his hand moved upward petting my chest using his index finger and thumb to flick one of my nipples.

I nodded my head trying to keep quiet shutting my eyes trying to keep tears from falling. I didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t want to be with any of them but I knew I had to, that I didn’t have a choice and I hated myself for it. For not being able to have a choice.

“Are you going to be quiet?” He asked me, “Because I think I might want to hear those beautiful sounds you make. Can you make sounds for me if I play gentle?” He hissed into my ear again sticking his tongue in my ear causing to me squirm and pull forward when he loosened his grip. He laughed looking please with himself, “You do like tongue everywhere, don’t you?”

He seemed amused with himself. The fact that he had made me pull away the fact that my eyes were as big as saucers and I was rubbing the side of my face frantically trying to get the feeling of his spit off it. He liked tormenting me.

“I can make you scream if I want to you know? I just can’t leave any bruises or scratches no deep ones anyway, there are plenty of things I can do that won’t leave any marks,” He said, “Do I have to make you make sounds for me Johnny?”

“No,” I said shaking my head vigorously. Whatever he was planning to do to make me speak, make me moan or whimper or whine was not something that I wanted.

Someone cleared their throat and we both turned to see Da standing there. Watching our interaction, a light smile playing in his eyes but not on his lips like he was trying to hide the fact he was amused by it. He gestured towards the basement stairs hinting that we should both go down before him.

“You’ll be good baby, won’t you? It’s been a while since you’ve spent time with Hank,” Da said looking at me, “Is that why you’re shaking? Nervous?”

I felt like breathing was a struggle, like everything was a struggle just thinking was a struggle. I focused on pulling air into my lungs and pushing it out…pull…. push…. pull…push. Over and over trying to keep myself from screaming. Trying to stop myself from shaking as Hank grabbed my arm my body following him on autopilot so I didn’t fall over as he forced me down the stairs Da behind me.

“Clothes off,” Hank said undoing his belt starting to undress himself as I reached down and undid my pants letting them fall to the ground. I was barely wearing anything anyway Hank having destroyed my shirt a while ago. I sighed rolling my briefs down my hips as Da opened the door to the second red room the one with the beds and I heard soft crying coming from behind a screen in the corner.

“Please I don’t want to, that hurts,” I heard Mike mumble as someone hushed him.

“It’s ok beautiful we’ll go nice a soft ok? I’m just going to kiss you first that’s all,” Lord cooed to him as I heard Mike continue to whimper.

I closed my eyes and gulped trying to shut it out. Trying to ignore my brothers pleading as Hank lead me to the bed by the elbow he didn’t even wait for me to fully climb onto it before he climbed on top of me his lips on my neck, on my skin his weight crushing my chest as he pushed into me moaning happily as his tongue slid over my collar bone.

“Please,” I barely whispered my hands pressed into my chest by his weight between us, pushing up into him trying to move him off of me.

“It’s ok baby if you’re nice I’ll be really gentle. I’ll go nice and slow,” he said.

I shook my head my legs kicking trying to find a body part to make contact with as they dangled off the side of the bed not finding any as he leaned on his knees straddling my thighs his body positioned in a way that made it easy from him to rub his hardness against mine causing me to whimper. It hurt to breathe still his hand somehow finding its way into the space between my legs rubbing me pumping up and down my length as I laid there trying to keep my hands from pushing him away, from making him angry as I bit my tongue to try and keep silent because I knew if I made another sound I was going to beg him to stop because I could feel the cold fire moving around in my body. Making me sick to my stomach, making my head feel dizzy as my chest heaved but very little air seemed to move in and out of my body.

“You missed me didn’t you baby,” He asked me his hand moving faster his thumb sliding over my tip using my precum to make the friction smoother making me jump and wiggle under him making move the lower part of my legs in protest, “You feel nice. god I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to taste you, to taste every inch of you. You taste so good you want me to taste you don’t you baby?” he asked me his voice husky and deep but still breathy as he leaned forward licking my collar bone again starting to lick a trail down my body.

I couldn’t take it anymore I went to go grab his head his hands intercepting mine before I could make contact with his skull his hands pushing mine up above my head and holding them there. I didn’t want this. god I didn’t want this. I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to make my body feel this his tongue rolling across one of my nipples causing my back to arch as I bit back a sob of confusion.

“There we are baby,” He said in response to my tiny cry as my lips started to tremble, “You want to play a fun game?”

“Please,” I said tears starting to fall from my eyes so hard I couldn’t even really see him my body betraying me with every move he made on top of me. 

“Yeah this will be fun,” He said getting off to me and moving out of my view.

I wanted to run but I knew to run would be beyond stupid. So, I sat up pulling my knees into my chest wrapping my arms around them trying to curl myself into a ball before he grabbed me from behind forcing me up into the head of bed laying me down…flat? I remember wondering where the pillows were before I heard the click and felt the metal clasp tightly around my neck my hands going to it, to feel what it was trying to figure out what had happened before I went to go sit up finding all resistance and no give. Making it hard to even turn my head let alone sit up.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s our game,” He said climbing on top of me my hands trying to push him away as he laughed, “Yeah that’s right you can fight a little but don’t be mean ok baby? Because you get mean I have to get mean understand?”

“Let me up,” I said my hands trying every direction pulling at the collar or whatever it was that was holding me down by my neck making it almost impossible for my torso or upper body to move besides my arms.

“No, we’ve going to have lots of fun,” He told me his mouth immediately going back to my nipple biting and licking it.

“Stop let me up,” I said my whole body shaking as I pulled at the collar. I couldn’t even see what he was doing to me but I could feel it that whole thing causing my panic to rise my voice coming out a squeak as I kept pulling at the collar frantic to just be able to move, to see what he was doing as I felt his hand slid up my inner thigh again.

“NO no, let me up!” I screamed loudly reaching with my hands to find his hair my fingers entwining in the little hair he has before he managed to grab my hands and stop me rising above me so I could see him.

“I wouldn’t do that unless you want your arms restrained too which honestly takes some of the fun out of it but you know there are still many different positions I can use that way too,” he warned me.

“Please Hank, please let me up,” I said still twisting still panicking not liking this one bit.

“Why should I? Give me one good reason why I should let you up so you can buck me off? So, you can try to fight me, I’d like to see you try to fight me like this. It’ll be fun to see if you can actually aim your hits and kicks when you can’t see me and watch you squirm and choke yourself every time you move your head just a little too much,” He said the amusement clear on his face.

“Why?” I asked simply.

“Because I want to play with you like Leo does only I want to do it my way. He said you can be good I believe you can be but I want to watch you struggle, I want to see what your body does when it has no way to release that energy once I get started. I want to watch your face as my finger hits that sweet little spot deep in your ass and hear the sounds you make when that static has no way to escape your system,” he taunted.

I saw him moving away from me before I felt his kisses on my torso again as I held onto the collar trying to keep myself calm but also messing with it trying to see if I could break it my fingers wrapped around it trying to slid under it between the metal and the skin of my neck. This was a nightmare how was I supposed to stay calm, stay quiet when I could feel him but I couldn’t see him? How was anyone supposed to stay calm when that was happening? I knew I was supposed to try and stay calm both Mike and Will’s whimpers coming from behind the weird shield like things in the room separating us all from each other. I knew I was supposed to try and stay calm for them, quiet for them but I felt anything but calm and quiet.

His hands moved down my sides down my ribs my whole body shaking as he continued his assault on my nipples nibbling them, biting them, sucking, licking. I closed my eyes just trying to breathe. In ….and…out….in…and….out. I couldn’t see him. But I could feel when his kisses started trailing lower his hand wrapping around my cock stroking me as I tried to be quiet as I tried to make sure I kept my crying silent because I didn’t want this. 

He stopped for a few minutes and over my both of my baby brothers crying and whimpering I couldn’t tell what he was doing. Not until I felt him spread my legs apart climbing back on top of me not until his kisses started back in the center of my chest.  
“God I’ve missed this you just taste so good baby,” He muttered kissing right above my belly button as I felt something cold and wet circle my asshole before he pushed his slicked finger inside causing a whimper to escape.

His finger kept moving, kept fidgeting around until he found that spot making me whimper again this time loudly and I heard him laugh lightly as he leaned his head against my hip before taking his other putting it back around me the wetness engulfing my shaft.

“No,” I moaned feeling like I was getting ready to sob as my body responded to what he was doing, “Stop Hank please, please stop.”

His lips and tongue did something weird making me shut up again as I heard a shriek coming from somewhere else in the room. As I heard someone say something to try and quiet whichever one of them it was. Hank opened his throat taking me deep inside his body his finger hitting that spot every time coaxing my body closer and closer until my eyes finally rolled my whole-body shuddering with orgasm. I felt him suck it all down making sure the only thing on me when I heard the pop of my wet penis leaving his mouth.

“That’s a good boy,” he said, “You taste so good baby just like you always do. God, I want to make you cum until you can’t come anymore.”

I felt him lean his body forward his face finally coming into view as he pushed his way inside of me him letting out a moan of ecstasy. I closed my eyes trying to ignore the fact that he was on top of me, that he was pushing up inside of me hitting that spot repeatedly as he called me his good boy and told me how amazing I was. How tight I was how Leo was right and I could play nice, be gentle and still be fun. When he came I thought he was done. That he would be finished with me but he wasn’t his kisses trailing back down my skin, my rib cage.

“No,” I mumbled shaking my head, “No please, please just stop.”

“I’ll stop after I make you feel really nice, after you give me that life juice because you’re my little cum slut and you love to cum ok baby?” He said biting my belly button softly.

I had dealt with enough at that point. I pulled frantically at the collar holding me down reaching out with my other arm trying to push him away from me finding I couldn’t reach him, that my arms were barely long enough to graze the top of his head with my fingertips as I found myself hyperventilating wanting to scream. I finally couldn’t hold it back anymore. My sobs as I screamed as my body betrayed me in every way it could his finger back inside me petting my g spot over and over. He made me scream until I couldn’t scream anymore my chest moving up and down in short motions as I tried to stop myself from gasping, from wheezing. When he was done with me he picked me up bridal style and took me into the other room laying me on the floor of the cage.

“John it’s me, I’m here I’m right here,” Pat said grabbing my hand allowing me to squeeze his hand tightly.

“Why is making that sound?” I heard Matt’s voice ask.

“He’s having trouble breathing,” Pat said, “I’m right here John ok? It’s me.”

“It hurts,” I remember whispering.

My whole body felt like it was covered in ants moving up and down under my skin. Certain parts of me felt raw like they have been pulled open to wide and rubbed too hard like I couldn’t get him off of me and I could still hear him, his words echoing over my skin the pet name baby ripping through my head with the same frequency as cum slut and whore and good boy and prefect and beautiful. I wanted comfort. I wanted to be held yet the thought made me sick to my stomach until I heard the small whimpers as someone approached putting Mike down at the front of the cage by my feet.

“What did they do?” I heard Matt ask angry.

“I…” was all Mike managed to say before a sob ripped through his little body.

I motioned my hand in the air my free hand telling Pat to pull him to me, so I could comfort him. So, I could wrap an arm around him and Pat nodding his head silently in understanding.

“Come here bud,” Pat said leaning forward and grabbing Mike’s arm, “I’m not going to hurt you you’re safe right now.”

He coaxed him forward and something showed on his face for a split-second confusing just as my breathing started to slow down as my skin stopped crawling.

“Is he bleeding?” I heard Matt ask and looked up.

Sure, enough Mike had bleed streaming down the back of his legs. It didn’t seem like it was slowing down either his whole body from the waist down red and stripped. At first, I couldn’t figure out how he could have stripes like that and then Matt asked him again.

“Mike what did they do?” He asked softly touching his shoulder as Mike feel forward curling his head into my armpit sobbing still.

“I-I-I t-t-t-tr-tried t-t-t-to b-be good, I-I-I tri-tried,” He barely managed to get out.

“We know you did,” I told him trying to hold back my own tears for his sake, “We know you did.”

Matt just frowned at us. Before he decided to lay down on Mike’s other side running a hand through Mike’s hair pressing their foreheads together closing his eyes before he sat up wide eyed the anger very evident in his face.

“DA!” Matt screamed loudly, “DA! YOU SAID HE WOULDN’T HURT HIM!!!”

Matt stood up rattling the bars using his body to swing the cage back and forth on its hinges. He screamed a wordless scream pulling someone’s attention away from what they were doing. It was Arthur and he came over and reached his hand between the bars grabbing Matt by the neck and slamming his head hard into the bars in front of him.

“Shut up you little shit,” He said smiling evilly as he opened the caged and picked him up throwing him over his shoulder holding onto his legs and smacking him hard on the ass, “I think it’s play time what do you think?”

It took everything in me to bite back a protest. Because I knew saying something would make him hurt worse, it would be worse for him for me to protest and I still had Mike sobbing into my side. I was worried with how much he was bleeding; how red and white his body was. I didn’t know what to do me finally calm for the first time since they had brought me down into those rooms because I was truly worried about my brothers.

“Hey bud? Did Lord do that to you?” Pat asked Mikey and I felt his head nod against my arm his face still buried into my side as I stroked his hair slowly carefully, “Can I ask you what happened? All you have to do is nod your head yes or shake it no ok?”

I felt another nod into my side as he pulled himself into a little ball my skin almost sticking to his still covered in sweat and spit both of us. I was afraid of what Pat would ask him. Afraid to know what they had done to him. How bad it had been and also afraid that the bleeding was something really serious that was going to cause huge problems.

“Did he take out a board with a long handle sort of like a cricket bat?” Pat asked quietly touching his shoulder making him flinch.

I felt him nod another sob escaping after he had started to quiet down. So that was what the stripes and welts were from. Mr. Lord had never done that to me or to James that I knew of. So, whatever Mike had done had really pissed the leader off otherwise I don’t imagine he would have beaten him like he did.

“I’m so proud of you,” I told him turning onto my side, “You did so good bud, so good. You barely cried at all while I was in there. I was right there and I heard everything and you did so good you’re so brave.”

“It hurts,” he muttered through his tears as he started to fall silent again.

“I know buddy. I know and I’m so sorry,” I told him running my hand through his hair, “But I’m right here and I hurt too. I hurt a lot.”

He sniffled and looked up at me opening his eyes to see my face, “You do?” he asked me quietly.

I nodded my head, “Yeah I do. Hank isn’t very nice to me.”

He frowned looking at me closely before he touched my neck gently his little hand grazing the skin there. He just kept looking at it. Touching my neck and I couldn’t figure out why until he sighed, “He strangled your neck?”

“Huh,” I didn’t know what to say. That he had treated me like a dog? That he had put a collar on me so I couldn’t move my head so that I was held down so he could do things to me? Things that I couldn’t see. So, he could make me beg, make me panic? I sighed closing my eyes for a second trying to think of how to answer.

“He put a cuff around my neck,” I said quietly as I saw Pat’s head snap towards me out of the corner of my eye feeling his eyes on the back of my neck before I felt his fingers there too, “I couldn’t move. He wasn’t very nice to me.”

“He told me if I was good it wouldn’t hurt,” Mike said, “He told me all I had to do was be still and quiet but…” His lip started trembling as tears cascaded down his face, “It hurt really bad and I couldn’t be quiet anymore. It hurt so bad Jack it hurt so bad.”

“I know,” I told him holding him closely, “I know I’m so sorry bud. You have no idea how sorry I am.”

Just then we heard a shriek another one that sounded identical to the one I had heard early causing all of us to flinch and Mike to cower into my side shaking like a leaf. He knew what Arthur was doing. We all knew what Arthur was doing as we heard the sound of something making an impact against something soft the smacking sound hitting the air hard each slap bouncing off the walls around us echoing.

At some point the screaming stopped and Cole hobbled in his weight half supported by Da as he opened up the cage and Pat moved over so Cole could climb into it. Da looked at the three of us sitting in there. Mike and I still laying down in the middle face to face me rubbing his face gently as he laid there with his eyes closed his breathing finally slow and even because he had fallen asleep. Da tickled the bottom of my foot getting my attention silently and nodded his head toward the door.

He wanted me. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that but he touched my foot again as I tried to pull it out of his reach and grabbed my ankle forcefully before he hissed, “I won’t ask again, now.”

I nodded my head and sighed my whole body protesting the movement as I sat up after laying down for so long. I heard Da say something to Pat too, him moving behind me climbing out as well. Da opened the door out into the hallway the temperature drop making goose bumps break out on my skin as we stood there before the room to the other door opened where it seemed like everyone but Arthur who was entertaining himself in the other room still was with Will.

They were all sitting on the other side of the room as we walked into it they stopped talking and I looked at the bed in front of us. All the temporary room dividers taken down. Will was there on the bed a little ball on the bed curled in on himself. I didn’t know why we were in there until Leo went up to the bed and ran his hand through my brother’s hair making his form that seemed so tiny cringe under the touch. Make him fold in on himself trying to make himself smaller.

“John and Pat are here to play,” Leo said to him loud enough for us to hear.

I gulped and Pat shot and angry look in the direction of their group, “I won’t do it,” Pat said defiantly.

“Don’t act like you haven’t before,” The leader said, “You’ve laid down with plenty of people. Don’t be silly.”

“Not a kid,” Pat hissed shaking his head, “I won’t do it.”

“If you don’t Ben will. I’m sure Ben would love a three some with two of his favorite boys. Wouldn’t you, Ben?” The leader asked his eyes never leaving Pat and me.

“Oh, yeah. It will be fun, won’t it Johnny? My cock in your ass as you make sure you hit that sweet spot inside his? Make him moan and beg for more?” Ben teased looking at me as Da noted my sour look.

“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it last time. I know you did baby, I told them all about it. They just want to see how well you handle topping is all,” Da said coming towards me as I took an intense interest in the carpeting.

I realized Pat already knew. He already knew I had had sex with Will but it was weird to hear someone else tell him. To hear them talk about it like it was fun, no big deal. I still hated myself for doing it. I still hated my body for enjoying it.

“Patrick, you can do it or you can let Ben. who do you think will be gentler with our two novices here?” The leader asked Pat making sure Patrick understood what him saying no would do before he said it again.

“Yeah think about that really carefully. I mean unless they aren’t your friends, maybe they’ll let me play doubles with one while I suck the others cock,” Hank suggested.

“That actually does sound like it’d be delightful to watch,” The leader added, “That is if Patrick still isn’t interested in playing. What do you say Patrick? Are you going to play with your friends nicely or should we let your Dad and Ben ram John here nice and hard as they steal Will’s breath a little bit?”

“Ok,” Pat said after I saw him swallow hard his Adams apple bobbing as he nodded his head, “Ok I’ll do it.”

“Good,” The Leader said smiling as Da pushed me forward towards the bed and Leo got up, moving away so I could take his place.

“Hey,” I whispered into his ear leaning over him as Pat came up behind him, “It’s me I’m sorry.”

Will opened his eyes and sighed sadly like he was tired, “Cole already did. It’s not a big deal.”

“Wha…” I started to ask before someone clapped their hands and Will grabbed me by the back of the neck forcing me forward shoving his tongue into my open mouth before the word could leave it as I heard laughing and hoots and hollers from them.

I waited for him to break the kiss before I pulled away. His face looking as red as mine felt from all the unwanted attention. From the embarrassment of having to do this before he turned to face Pat and Pat allowed Will to kiss him forcefully before burying his head in Will’s shoulder and whispering an apology to him as well.

“Really guys it’s ok,” Will said his eyes cloudy almost like he was somewhere else. Somewhere far away as he rolled on top of me grinding himself against me trying to get himself as well as me hard so we could do this but me finding the tasks almost impossible.

I felt a hand on my hip and looked over my shoulder to find Pat there before he placed a feather light kiss on the back of my shoulders. Both of them kissing on me. Will kissing the right side of my neck from the front as Pat kissed the left side of my neck from the back. Pat’s hands caressing my hips from behind as Will held the top of Pat’s hands my body feeling a weird flutter inside. A moan forcing its way past my lips before I could stop it.

“God he’s beautiful,” I heard Leo say breathless. As they all watched my boyfriend and my brother kiss on me, caress me in-between them.

“Yeah he is. Isn’t he?” Da commented and I could picture all of them nodding as they looked at us. As they looked at me trapped between Will and Pat. My heart was racing knowing they were talking about me. 

I felt my face turning an even darker shade of red. The heat of my body pooling in certain places against my will. I didn’t want to do this. Not in front of them especially but, my body responded to the touches as Pat’s hands left my hips and started tweaking my sensitive nipples another moan ripping free of my throat.

Will sighed spreading his legs farther apart so my body could lean forward into him more as Pat passed me a condom and helped slide it over my erection. Will’s and his kisses still light. Will pulled me forward making sure our bodies were lined up as he wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me forward as my cock breeched his body causing him to stiffen for a second and let out a small gasp.

I shook my head making sure he knew I wasn’t ok with this. That I wasn’t ok with being inside of him again. He just placed a hand along the red line going around my neck still and nodded his head.

“It’s ok just do it,” he told me as Pat straddled behind me sliding himself past my entrance too making me moan and pushing me into Will who’s back arched in surprise as I hit against his prostate.

“Shit,” I mumbled.

“I know it’s ok,” Pat whispered into my neck kissing me as he thrusted into me. My face flushed to an impossible point. My whole body feeling hot, tingling as I found it hard to breathe.

“They are a fucking hot threesome, aren’t they?” I heard Hank mutter.

“I don’t know,” I heard Ben comment, “I feel like I need to help them with something.”

He sighed and climbed on the bed beside us his hand sliding in-between Will and I wrapping his hand around Will’s cock starting to give him a hand job, “You should touch your brother John. Don’t let it be all about you,” he said looking at me as I heard Pat shout loudly.

“OH FUCK!” He half moaned as I felt hands pulling my hips backwards as Pat pushed me forward and he started breathing heavy causing me to look over my shoulder and give him a questioning look to which he muttered in my ear “Someone is toss…Shit…oh shit…oh fuck.”

Then I felt it, someone’s hand under us grabbing the back of my balls and massaging them gently knocking them against Pat’s. I felt sick to my stomach knowing what was happening. That someone was doing something to Pat while he was behind me.  
His whole body was shuddering, vibrating as he was pressed forward into me panting. I panted not able to stop the sensations traveling through my body as I was jostled between my brother’s body and Pat’s. Another moan escaped through my mouth sounding more like a whimper. My body ready to explode even though I didn’t want it to.

My little brother let out a horrible cry under me his body contracting around me violently as he hit orgasm sending me over the edge collapsing on top of him while Pat did the same behind me. All of us were panting hard, my body felt like jelly like it was over used. My arms shaking as I tried to support my weight against the headboard instead of allowing myself to lay on top of Will.

Uncle Ben laughed pulling his hand out from in-between us wiping his hand off on the sheet beside us. We could hear them talking saying how hot we had been together. How beautiful we all were. I looked at Will. He still looked numb, like he was half checked out as they talked about us in front of us. Talked about how next time they needed to have a camera.

The door opened and we all turned Arthur coming into the bedroom with Mike. No, no I wasn’t ok with that. Not that I had been ok with any of it but, I wasn’t going to touch him. They couldn’t make me touch him like that. At least that’s what I thought as I looked at him. His whole-body shivering and shaking in fear, his face covered in snot and tears as he looked at the three of us naked on the bed.

“What are you doing Art?” Pat asked almost a hiss or a growl.

“I thought it’d be nice,” Arthur said shrugging his shoulders.

“He’s 9,” Pat said.

“There’s nothing wrong with nine,” The leader said looking at us, “Just you know…” he smiled.

Pat shook his head his eyes on fire with anger, “You have to fucking kill me first.”

“What about him? What if we kill him instead?” Arthur asked his hands that had been resting on Mike’s shoulders wrapping around his neck in a threatening manner Will finally becoming animated.

“DON’T!” he said loudly even though his voice was unsteady like he was about to cry, “I’ll do it even if they won’t. Don’t hurt him. Please?”

Da looked at Will smiling before he looked at the Leader, “Nice work Lionel.”

“No problem,” he said like it was no big deal.

I had no idea what they were talking about. My brain didn’t have time to think about it though as Arthur practically threw Mike at the bed. Me having to catch him before he landed on his already bruised and battered ass that was still stripped mostly red. A red that was now starting to bloom into a light purple that would only darken as the hours passed.

“It’s going to hurt,” Mike said his voice sounding more numb than anything else.

“Come here,” Will said wrapping his arms around Mike as Mike hugged him back, “We’ll be as nice as we can ok?”

“I’m tired,” he said in response, his voice still void of emotion.

“Patrick?” The leader said looking at him, “Why don’t you start? You’re good at leading.”

Pat sighed heavily. He really didn’t want to do that. None of us really wanted to do it.

“Mike,” Will said, “Close your eyes ok?”

“Why?” he moaned closing his eyes and laying down next to Will on his stomach.

“Here,” Will said grabbing a pillow and putting it over himself before he maneuvered himself so he was sitting in the rest of the pillows above Mike’s head. Pulling Mike’s face into his lap and wrapping Mike’s arms around his waist, “Just breathe ok?”

“That works,” Hank said sounding rather amused.

“Not fucking funny,” Pat hissed.

“Patrick…,” the leader said in a bit of a warning tone.

“YEAH! I got it,” he said sighing heavily before he straddled Mike’s back. He honestly looked like he was about to throw up on him.

I felt like it was fitting and maybe he should attempt it. Save us all a traumatic experience. It was bad enough they had made the two of us do that with Will let alone with Mike. He leaned forward putting the weight of his upper body on Mike’s back before he whispered something to him that no one else could hear kissing the spot below his neck in-between his shoulder blades. Mike flinched flexing his back, pushing his shoulder blades together at the feeling of someone’s lips against his skin.

Mike let out a little whimper as Will started running his hands through his hair Pat kissing down his spine Going painfully slow. None of us wanted to do it. None of us wanted to watch him do it with the exception of the six adult perverts in the room. I couldn’t watch this. I …

“What’s wrong baby?” Da asked me wrapping his arms around my shoulders hugging me from behind.

“Da don’t make them do this. Not to him please? I’ll do anything just don’t let them do this. He’s only 9.”

“He’s done it before. He just needs to relax,” he said.

“Not with me! Not with Will or Pat!” I hissed loudly turning to look at Da.

“Connor…,” The leader said looking at us.

“Yes, sir. I understand,” Da said looking at him, “You either do this or I’ll double him with the leader. You want him to experience that? Like you keep saying he’s only 9.”

I froze. He wouldn’t. That was painful. That hurt me and I was 13. I couldn’t imagine how badly it would hurt a 9-year-old. I couldn’t let him do that Mike screeching loudly as Will bend over him whispering to him frantically.

“I know it feels weird buddy but you’re ok. It’s ok,” he said as Mike started sobbing.

I looked to see what Pat was doing his finger inside Mike cringing his face a mix between terror and disgusts. I was still kind of hoping he would try throwing up. I didn’t know if it would work for all I knew one of them had a weird vomit kink of some kind. But I thought it would be worth a shot but instead he closed his eyes mouthing the words “oh god.” To himself before Uncle Ben grabbed him pulling his head backwards at a funny angle forcing his tongue down Pat’s throat.

Mike and Will were both shaking they were so scared and upset. Will cooing quietly to Mike trying to keep him as calm as possible. As silent as possible.

“Connor?” Lionel said in my Da’s ear.

Da had rested his head on my shoulder while we stood there. I didn’t know what was going on but I was trying not to watch. I kept feeling like I was going to be sick just watching Pat trying not to barf on my brothers beaten and bruised ass.

“Yes sir?” my Da whispered back.

“Why don’t you have John use his oral talents on Patrick there?” the leader suggested and I felt my face going red.

I personally was sure Pat would think he had experienced enough oral talents from just about anyone for a while. Da let go of me, “That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”

I wanted to tell him no that didn’t sound like fun. That didn’t sound like any type of fun I wanted to have in front of them but if I told my Da no especially in front of the leader I knew I was in serious trouble. That they would hurt someone and it probably wouldn’t be me.

I gulped and climbed onto the bed behind Pat who was on his knees bent forward. I wasn’t sure what to do. My brain freezing for a second. I mean if I ignored the fact that his finger was up my brother’s asshole it was a pretty nice view. Me frowning as I thought about it. The fact that he was…with my 8-year-old brother as I exhaled loudly. Causing him to turn and look at me as Will opened his eyes.

“What?” I asked them noting Pat still looked like he was fighting the urge to vomit.

“What are you doing?” Pat asked me.

“We’re going to use our other talents,” the leader said to both of them before he climbed onto the bed next to our little train and whispered something in Will’s ear grabbing the pillow. Will’s face going red as he shook his head.

“Please?” Will asked him quietly.

“It’ll be fine,” the leader said to him kissing his forehead.

“But he…,” Will trailed off as the leader grabbed him before he grabbed Mike’s head whispering something into Mike’s ear as he let out a whine before he put his mouth around…Will.

“Johnathan?” the leader said to coax me into it. I knew I had to do it. I just didn’t want to do it front of a group of people. The idea making me feel sick, “Patrick, your other talents.”

“This is as talented as I’m getting,” Pat hissed looking at him before someone reached in front of me smacking Pat hard on the ass and someone whispered something in his ear, “Don’t you fucking dare Arthur. Don’t you even…”

“Then do what you’re told. Understand?” Arthur warned him.

“Mike, I know you can’t answer me right now but I am so so very sorry for this. Can someone hand me the flavored stuff?” Pat announced.

“Strawberry or pineapple coconut?” Uncle Ben asked him laughing.

“I don’t f…OUCH!” he yelled as Arthur took a wooden paddle and hit him across the back.

“Next time you speak it’s someone else,” Arthur warned to which Pat sighed as someone handed him a bottle. 

I watched Pat pour a really generous amount of lube over my brothers lower back as he cringed. Pat looked like he was in pain. I knew that being smacked hadn’t hurt him that bad I felt someone grab the back of my neck hard and squeeze.

“Now,” Leo hissed to which I nodded my head and gulped before I forced my hand in between Pat’s legs as he gave a muffled moan. I had never imagined giving someone a blow job from behind but I wasn’t about to stick my tongue in his ass. Because watching the face he pulled before he had to…that and someone pooped out of there. The whole idea just seemed beyond gross.

I grabbed his balls cupping them and massaging them him wiggling slightly. I tried to go away in my head picture it just being us. Just being me touching him and no one else. No one standing there watching. No one in front of Pat or on the bed with us. Just him with me in bed. I kissed his butt cheek as I cupped his balls rubbing them gently. It felt like warm puddy. It wasn’t a totally unpleasant feeling. I mean I’d played with his balls before a little bit but not while he was doing …that to someone else. I waited until I felt him starting to harden bending forward and licking as I felt a shiver spread up his spine.

I hoped it was a good shiver but, I doubted it considering his tongue was deep in my 8-year-old brother. I closed my eyes and just did it trying not to focus on the moaning and grunting that was echoing in the air around us as they all watched. We were all silent however we all had our mouths pretty occupied besides Will and I knew exactly how Will felt. How guilty he was feeling because his body was responding. His body was responding just like Pat’s body was responding to me even though I was sure Pat wasn’t ok with what was going on either. Especially considering every time I saw his face he looked like he was about to throw up all over my brother. My little brother who was under him Pat’s tongue doing…I tried to stop thinking about it. Because if I thought about it I was going to throw up.

I heard Will whimper stopping to look up. The leader was holding him whispering something in his ear I couldn’t hear. He looked terrified though his whole body shaking it looking like he was going to have a seizure almost. Like he was fighting it as hard as he could, not letting him or trying to keep himself from releasing, from having an orgasm. I remembered that feeling. I couldn’t do it anymore. Sighing as I sat up.

“Do it,” Arthur warned me before Da put a hand against Arthur’s chest coming over and sitting on the bed next to me.

“What’s wrong baby?” he asked me.

“Da, it’s hurting them,” I said quietly not able to look at it anymore. Not able to watch Pat do that with a look on his face like he was about to be sick and Will like he was trying so hard not to scream his face burning red with shame and guilt. I couldn’t see Mike’s face, his face in Will’s crotch but I was pretty sure his expression was filled with as much pain and terror as Will’s.

“It’s not hurting them,” Da said to me, “It’s not I promise.”

“Daddy make them quit. Please?” I begged him my throat feeling tight, “I’ll do anything you want. Just make them stop.”

“You promise?” he asked me to which I nodded my head him hugging me before he used his knees to crawl up the bed whispering something in Lionel’s ear.

This wasn’t fair to them. They were just little kids. It was my job to make sure this didn’t happen to them and they were making me help. Making Pat help. Neither one of us were ok with this. Just like I’m sure Cole wasn’t ok with it and what Will had said they had made him do.

“Come on just relax. Let it happen,” Lionel cooed in Will’s ear loud enough for everyone to hear before he started kissing Will’s neck.

Will looked like he was about to start crying. His whole body still shuddering as his chest heaved. He really didn’t want it. Didn’t want it to happen. He had stayed numb through Pat and I and maybe that’s why. Because he didn’t want it to happen. Because it was too hard to think about it but he could no longer ignore his body. Will hardly ever cried in front of anyone but he looked like he was on the verge of tears a sob ripping free of him before he froze his whole body going stiff.

“Good job! That’s it beautiful, you did so good. You made everyone so happy. See, look? You helped everyone feel so good.” Lionel said.

At that Pat stopped getting up and trying to run to the bathroom making it to the potted plant in the corner before he bent over throwing up all over the place which almost caused me to barf Da slamming his hand over my mouth tight, “Swallow it,” he warned me. As I heard Mike coughing and sputtering.

Hank starting Cackling at that, “I don’t think he meant you Mikey but that works.”

I wanted to punch him. That wasn’t funny. That was one of the worst parts of giving a blow job was when they made you swallow. He was 8 he shouldn’t even know what swallowing that was like. Let alone having to worry about it and the fact that if he didn’t he would probably get beaten. His ass now covered in dark purple splotches.

Lionel grabbed Will helping him up on his shaky legs leading him from the room as Hank grabbed Pat by the elbow and Da grabbed Mike picking him up and carrying him away while Leo walked into the bathroom shutting the door, leaving me sitting there with Arthur. I didn’t know what to say to him. I stared at him silently as he watched me. I didn’t have anything to say to him besides to tell him he was fucking sick and he needed to fuck off.

“Something wrong?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I figured if I said what was really on my mind, what I really wanted to say things would be worse for Mike and Will as well as Matt. That he would hurt them because they were my brothers and all of them knew if they really wanted to hurt me all they had to do was hurt them some more. After a minute, Da came back into the room followed by Hank and uncle Ben along with the leader. I knew they were going to do something bad the way they were looking at me.

The door opened to the bathroom making me jump lightly as Da looked at me, coming towards me.

“Hey baby,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me.

“Da what are you doing?” I asked him quietly exhaling deeply through my mouth trying to keep myself calm.

“Well, you’re such a good boy baby, you really are. You’re amazing really. We’ve all talked about it and it seems like you know naturally exactly what the person you’re with needs. Whether it’s me or Hank or your uncle or even Leo,” he said, “So I have some questions for you. We want to pick your brain.”

“What?” I asked confused trying to make myself small afraid of what they were going to do.

“Relax,” Da told me, “What do you think when one of us wants to spend time with you?”

“I’m scared,” I answered honestly.

“Why though? We don’t really hurt you. I mean I know Hank can be a little rough sometimes and your Uncle Ben has gotten rough because accidents happen but why are you so afraid?” Da asked me quietly.

“I don’t know. I just am. I try to just do it though, you know? I don’t really think about it. I just try to let it happen so that it doesn’t have to happen to someone else,” I answered to which Da nodded his head like he understood what I meant. Which I’m not sure he did.

“So, there isn’t really any thought process behind it? You just do what you’re told?” Hank asked me.

“He’s always been good at that ever since he was little. You remember, Johnny?” Ben spoke up.

“Ben don’t tease him. He’s not going to remember that. He was just little,” Da said before turning to everyone else to explain, “John and Ben started playing when John was maybe two or three…”

“What?” I asked confused and hurt.

I didn’t remember any of that at all. I remembered him doing stuff to me when I was four, making me lick him on the couch as he played video games sometimes. Sometimes his hand on my crotch through my pants as he made me watch TV with him. I remembered Da coming into my room at night and how bad it made me feel but I didn’t remember being that little. I didn’t remember them doing things to me when I was that young.”

“He used to think it was a game because Ben and I taught him that’s what it was. He used to call it our night night game. He liked it too. Until Ben here got a little overzealous about it,” Da said looking at Ben.

“How many times do I have to say I’m sorry, that it was a mistake?” Ben asked, “That and he’s the only one that’s this good about everything. So, maybe it’s not so bad that I kind of slipped up you know?”

“What do you mean overzealous?” Hank asked.

“Well, Lionel likes them young yes and John was used to touching and kissing and licking but he wasn’t used to certain parts of him being kissed on and I was working him slowly towards it in a way that we could enjoy but Ben here got a little greedy one night and took things too far shoving two fingers very rudely somewhere they shouldn’t have been going yet. After that it took me forever to be able to touch him again because every time I came into his room after that and I went to go spend time with him he would ball his little eyes out and beg me “Daddy I don’t want to play the night night game anymore, daddy it hurts I don’t want to do it anymore.” So, then I had to stop touching him for about six or seven months before he’d let me do anything without getting fussy and waking Danielle up,” Da said.

“Usually the younger they are and if you can be gentle it’s not until they are seven or eight that they realize what we do is not socially acceptable and they have to keep it hidden. The ones that like it still after that end up recruit track,” Mr. Lord said.

“I’d like to start some cute little boys in on it early like we did with Johnny here. I mean Johnny’s sweet, he’s beautiful. Not that Connor has ever managed to have an ugly kid in his life obviously. but some of those little brothers of his…” Mr. Lord cut him off.

“I agree that little one with the darker hair, he’s a sweet little thing.” Arthur said.

I felt my stomach turn sour. There was no reason for them to talk about him like that. I already knew Hank was eyeing Malachay. They needed to keep their hands and their eyes away from my kids. That was the only thing I could think at that moment even though I tried not to let it show on my face.

“So, do you really think it’s because we started him young Lionel?” Da asked looking at Mr. Lord.

“Probably, it makes them more compliant in the long run. I mean why do you think we have such a problem with ones? Because they don’t understand that there isn’t anything wrong with it. That if you just do what you’re told you get hurt less. If you don’t break the laws, if you’re good you can benefit. Which is something John obviously knows. I mean even Hank’s boy knows it to a point because he can be aggressive and slightly resistant sure, but once you get him tied down he usually just sighs and lets it happen,” Mr. Lord answered.

“Ok,” Da said, “John baby, do you think that’s true?”

“I don’t remember that,” I answered still trying to fold in on myself trying to make myself as small as possible as their eyes glanced at me.

I felt trapped. I felt like they were going to do something really bad to me like they had before. Something that I wouldn’t be able to ignore. Something that I wouldn’t be able to get off my skin. I climbed up into the bed away from the foot of it, pulling the covers up to my chin and making sure they stayed there even though I had my knees pulled in close to my body.

“You don’t? I wish you did because before that you were always so happy to play the night night game with me. Sometimes you’d ask me why it made you feel funny down there but I’d just tell you because one day it wouldn’t feel funny anymore, one day it would feel good and you’d be ok. Do you remember anything from being that little?” He asked me.

I started to shake my head but Leo interrupted, “He told me once before he remembers you coming into his room at night.”

Da’s eyes brightened and he smiled at me, “You do?” He asked excitedly.

I nodded my head before leaning forward burying my face in the sheet. I could only hide from them for maybe a second because Da grabbed my chin gently forcing me to look at him, to look into his eyes.

“You don’t need to hide baby you’re beautiful and I actually think it’s kind of special that remember that,” he told me quietly, “You remember how you liked touching me? How you wanted to make me to feel good?”

I shook my head and Leo cleared his throat again, “He said he remembers you touching him and that you’d do it until you couldn’t stop moving around and rubbing on him and then you had to get up and go to the bathroom.”

“Ah,” Da said, “That makes sense. Things are always easier to recall when you feel something strongly, especially when you are younger. I’m sure you understand now why I was leaving and going to the bathroom right?” He asked and I felt my face flush, “No baby don’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Da, can I go now?” I asked.

“No baby. Not yet,” he said.

My eyes widened in fear. They were going to hurt me. They were going to do bad things to me and I knew it and I couldn’t stand it. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to go into the cage. I didn’t want to be in that room with them anymore and I knew I was trapped. I knew that trying to get away would never work, them being five grown men and me being a 13-year-old boy. There was no chance of me even making it to the door if I tried to run.

“Well,” Lionel said standing up, “Not that I don’t enjoy his company but I do have another entertainer I can go give company to. So, you boys enjoy and I’ll be in the other room occupying myself.”

“Have fun,” Da said as he crawled closer to me. I tried to move away, to get as far away from him on the bed as I could, “No, it’s ok. You’re ok we’re not going to hurt you baby, I promise. We’re just going to play a game.”

“Da please,” I begged him as he grabbed my arm to keep me from scooting farther away from him, “Please.”

“It’s ok baby,” he told me as Hank came up to me holding out a blind fold with a part of head phones draped over his arm. They were going to do a sensory deprivation orgy again. The thing that nearly broke me and left me a whining bumbling idiot for hours last time they did it.

“NO!” I scream shaking my head as Da held my hands climbing on top of me. As Hank climbed up on the bed to put the blind fold on and forced the head phones over my ears. Everything going dark and muted. I felt someone pick me up as I kept begging them not to even though I couldn’t hear them. Next thing I knew I could feel that collar go around my neck again. It kept me from being able to move my head or sit up. It causing my panic to grow. Causing me to swear as I felt weight shift onto the bed with me.

I felt someone kissing down my center. Leaving fast and edger kisses as people grabbed each of my arms and did the same. I kept begging my Da to stop. To make them stop and it was the only thing I could hear. My own voice echoing in my head as I felt someone slide their mouth around me.

They did things to me and it felt like it lasted forever. Half way through I couldn’t scream anymore. My whole body vibrating with over stimulation as they took turns doing everything you can think of. Blowing me, kissing me, shoving their dicks in my mouth and up my ass. By the time they were done I felt raw. My throat and my body burning and aching. When they took off the blind fold it was just Da and I.

“You were so good baby. God, you always feel so good,” he told me kissing my forehead as I whimpered, “No it’s ok. We’re done. You’re all right.”

I couldn’t help myself. The sob ripped from me before I could stop it from coming out. I cried like I hadn’t cried since that time in the bathroom when I had stuffed the rug in my mouth to keep anyone from hearing me. My whole body hurt so bad I couldn’t imagine ever walking again. Ever wanting anyone to even touch my hand again.

My Da sighed watching me. Watching me and whispering words of encouragement to me. Telling me how perfect I always was, how good I had been. How beautiful. How that’s why they all wanted to be with me because they loved me. Because they all just loved me so much and wanted to make me feel good.

Coming over and over again until your body burns, your muscles burn from the constant contractions ripping through them does not feel good at all. It feels like hell. It feels like dying would be easier, would be better. He sat there with me and let me cry it out finally releasing the collar at some point so I could turn around and bury my face into the pillows to scream it out. I sobbed and screamed until I couldn’t anymore. My whole being beyond exhausted from being used, being raped and being told about what they had done to me before I could even remember. How they had hurt me and how they had liked it. How Da claimed I had liked it.

Hearing that made me feel disgusting. Made me feel almost worse than anything else they had ever done to me. It made me feel like maybe if I hadn’t acted that way when I was too little to really understand, maybe if I would have said no right away, would have pushed him away and told him it felt bad. Told mum right away he wouldn’t have kept doing it. That if I had done that maybe he wouldn’t have kept doing it and eventually started doing it to everyone else. That only if I would have just said no we wouldn’t be in the situation we were in.

When I quieted down he sighed looking at me, “You feel better?”

I didn’t answer or look at him. I just stood up and somehow limped my way to the door knowing he was going to take me back to the other room, to the cage. He didn’t try to get me to talk to him and when he touched my shoulder I twitched. My body still crawling, my skin still covered in sweat and their spit smelling like sex.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he said to me rubbing the back of my neck gently as he opened the door causing my whole body to tremble and me to bite my lip to keep myself from screaming again. I wanted to skin myself alive because I just wanted the feeling of their mouths and hands off of me. He walked me over to the cage and I managed to climb in by myself finding Pat and Cole sitting there quietly as my little brothers sat huddled close to them their heads drooping with exhaustion from the long night.

Pat looked at me and he saw it in my face. That I was barely holding it together and he cussed softly under his breath as I bit hard into my lip to keep the scream from escaping, from disturbing my brothers who all looked tired and like they had cried. Like they couldn’t take anymore. I started scratching at my arms absentmindedly, digging my nails in hard and raking them down my skin trying to give my body something else to focus on, something that didn’t feel like them.

Pat wandered over to me and whispered urgently, “Rabbit you can’t do that. You have to stop or I’m going to have to touch you and I can see it your face you can’t be touched right now. So please, I’m begging you. Please stop hurting yourself.”

I shook my head, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t feel them anymore. Pat, I can’t do it anymore,” I murmured my whole-body twitching with anxiety and nervous energy. With revulsion at being stuck in the skin I was in.

“Ok, Rabbit you need to breathe and I need you to stop,” Pat pleaded with me again as I felt someone in the cage move behind me making my twitching worse.

“Come on, John,” Will said laying a hand on my back as Pat grabbed my hand gently pulling it away from my arm. Which cause me to look at it. It was red the skin puffy, inflamed some of the scratches bleeding lightly, “Come on its ok.”

“No no no it’s not ok,” I whimpered still trying to keep quiet so as not to wake Mike and Matty as Will rubbed my back gently and Pat hugged me, “It’s not ok. I can’t anymore. I can’t.”

“Ok, no one is asking you to right now. No one is going to ask you to again right now. I swear to you ok? We’re right here and we know you’re done. We know that you can’t take anymore,” Will cooed, “It’s ok. We’re right here ok?”

They pulled me close to them sandwiching me in-between their bodies against the back of the cage both of them kind of holding me. As they gently held my hands to my sides so that I wouldn’t scratch myself, hurt myself as my body kept twitching.  
I remember feeling so tired. So beyond tired. Everything just felt so sensitive and I was so tired. The smell of Pat just barely there under the smell of sweat and sex. But, it was still there, just enough to help me start calming down. Helping my heart rate slow as his shoulder pressed against mine. It took me a while but eventually I stopped whimpering. Stopped crying and I sat there between them numb. My head fighting to stay up right, my brain not wanting to function anymore.

At some point, they opened the cage letting us out and we all grabbed our clothes and went up to the third floor, to the guest suite where they seemed to be content to leave us alone as they went into the other guest suites to sleep off their own tired.  
Will helped Mike and Matt shower and then had them put their soiled clothes back on telling me he was taking them upstairs as I stared at him numbly. Telling me he was probably going to sleep with them in his room Matty looking like he had been dragged through hell on his back. His back covered in welts and bruises everything from his neck down to the back of his knees black and blue but no longer caked in dried blood from whatever Arthur had done to him. Matt moving slowly a whimper escaping every couple of steps his voice mostly gone. He seemed too tired to scream out in pain anymore.

Cole showered next doing so quickly because he knew Pat would want to be alone with me, that I probably wouldn’t let anyone else touch me because I couldn’t even stand the thought of hands against my skin from what they had done. His eyes looked sad when he came out giving me a small smile as Pat got up offering me his hand silently. I just stared at him numbly. Not sure how to process it all. Not sure that I even wanted to. Knowing I would rather forget all of it. Every bit of it.

“Come on Rabbit,” he said grabbing me gently by the elbow leading me still numb and in pain into the water Cole had left running. Me hissing as the water intensified the crawling sensation over my body at first causing me to cling to him, “It’s ok you’re safe now. You’re safe now.”

“Why do they hate me?” I kept asking him over and over again as he made hushing sounds holding me close telling me it was ok. That I was going to be ok as he ran the loofa over my back making sure to get their spit off of me, their stickiness off of my skin, their foulness. When he was done washing me he scrubbed himself clean and then grabbed a towel toweling himself off and then me gently.

“Do you feel even a little bit better?” He asked me to which I nodded my head, “Good. Come on. Let’s try and sleep ok? Cole and I are right here next to you. No one is going to hurt you with us here ok?” He said.

I could hear his voice breaking. Like he was feeling my pain. Like he was afraid I was breaking or already broken as Cole moved over in the bed making sure Pat and I had room and Pat wrapped his arms around me, his chest up against my back.

“Hey,” Cole said reaching out and taking my hand, “You ok?”

I nodded too afraid to say anything. Too afraid that if I spoke I would start crying again. I knew that my nod was a lie but I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to focus on it.

I just wanted to sleep as Cole laid there facing me rubbing my hand gently, talking softly. Saying things to Pat as he answered quietly behind me. I eventually fell asleep to the sound of their soft altos whispering on the air around me. Letting me know I was with them. That I was going to be ok because I was with them. My two best friends and the only two people that I felt could really understand me.


	40. 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John leaves for a weekend without much recovery time. His body beyond sore and his spirit beyond broken only to be take to Leo's Condo where nothing good ever happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of the new Year for John. At this point things start to get darker honestly. He doesn't do well from this point on barely holding on mentally while his body and mind continue to break down. Pages 818 to 838. **Warnings: rape/non-con, mental health issues, forced bondage, forced orgasm, cock ring, sounding, mental health issues, child sexual abuse** You have about 300 pages left so it might be a while before I update this one again. I'm currently working on catching Will up to this point in the time line and because I'm going to be covering some stuff in Montana it might take me a while to get there. In the mean time though I'll be trying to update Will once a week.

I remember the sun hitting my eyes before I opened them. Managing to break through my eyelids as I rolled over Pat hugging me as I buried my face in his chest breathing him in, sighing deeply. Remembering I was with him and with Cole. That I was safe for the moment. That they weren’t there.

“Hey,” I heard him say rubbing the top of my head, “Are you ok Rabbit?”

“I will be,” I answered hugging him, “I don’t want to anymore.”

“I know,” he whispered into the crown of my head, “I’m sorry that I can’t do anything to stop it. You want to get up and shower again?”

I nodded my head stretching and sitting up just as someone quietly knocked on the door stirring Cole to life behind me him putting his hand on my shoulder and pulling me back down. The door opened, no one waiting for a reply to find the three of us laying down in bed together naked and I heard a heavy sigh full of lust before Pat turned and looked to see who it was. I was too scared to look up. To know.

“Hi guys, get dressed it’s time to go. You guys didn’t do anything, did you?” Hank asked his eyes probably at them but, looking at me.

“After last night? No,” Pat hissed, “You think any of us would be in the mood to do anything after that?”

“You all seemed to enjoy it last night,” Hank answered, “So for all I know you wanted to continue the party on your own. I mean I know I’d personally love some more alone time with him after that performance last night. Made me want to breed him.”

“Eww fucking gross Hank!” Cole hissed, “Do you even know what the hell that means?”

“Yes, Cole and you better hope I don’t tell Art that you just swore at me,” Hank said, “Just get up and dressed and we’ll head out. John, Leo wants you to go upstairs and get dressed so you can leave for your weekend.”

“Can you leave so we can get dressed without you eyeing us like we’re steak?” Cole asked.

“Cole dear, you do have a sweet ass but you’re not really my type if you get my meaning. That and I saw plenty of all three of you last night so why be shy now?” Hank said.

“Dad, please?” Pat said quietly, shocking me.

Pat usually responded to Hank with distain and venom. I had never heard him plead with Hank for anything. Ask him nicely for anything at all. To hear him actually beg Hank for some privacy while we got dressed was unnerving.

Hank sighed looking at us. Cole his blond hair mused sticking up at odd angles his blue eyes still foggy with sleep leaning back lightly trying to keep his weight off places that were sore. Pat on my other side his hair hanging into his face biting his bottom lip moving his lip piercing with his teeth his eyes sad pleading Hank. And me in the middle the sheet pulled up to my chest not wanting to look at him, not wanting to see Hank see me or think of what I knew he was thinking, who his type was.

“Yeah ok,” Hank said, “I’ll be outside get dressed and get ready to go.”

He left and we all sat there for a minute. My heart beating against my chest like a boxer against a punching bag. My skin feeling over exposed even though it was covered. Even though he couldn’t really see the parts of me that I knew he wanted to see, that I wanted so desperately to hide.

“Well, I guess it’s time to go home,” Cole said standing up and going over the corner where his clothes were piled, “This bites. I’m still sore.”

“You’re still sore?” Pat asked, “How many times last night?”

“How many people you mean?” Cole scoffed, “three, four if you count Will.”

“What did they even do to you?” Pat asked.

“You really want to know?” Cole asked.

“I don’t know. I’m just curious because it’s not like we talk about what they do exactly you know? So just wondering,” Pat answered.

“Guys, before you go any further can I ask that we not have this conversation?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “Yeah you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t want to talk about it,” I said, “I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to know what they did. Not even to me so…”

“You don’t know what they did to you?” Cole asked confused.

“No, I do. I just wish I didn’t,” I answered.

I wasn’t really sure who had done what when the blindfold and headphones went on but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel it. I mean tongues and hands and lips all feel more or less the same but sometimes other things feel different from person to person, taste is a little different too sometimes. So, I could guess who had done what from those things but it wasn’t something I wanted to think about.

“Are you really going to be ok?” Cole asked me looking at me his brow furrowed, “I mean usually the day after you’ve always been kind of stand offish and non-disclosure about it all but usually you don’t really say anything if we talk about it.”

“I just don’t want to hear about it ok?” I answered, “I’m fine though. I swear.”

“What about Leo?” Cole asked me and I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

“What about him? I have to deal with him anyway. I don’t have any choice in it so why does it matter?” I asked my voice sounding a little more harsh then I meant it to.

“Of course, it matters,” Cole answered, “Why would it not matter that he’s going to shove his dick up your ass after whatever it was they did to you last night? Why wouldn’t it matter?”

“Because it’s not like anyone can stop it,” I answered feeling my whole body shaking. Feeling like it really didn’t matter. Like it was going to happen over and over again no matter what anyone did because I was me. Because I existed and they wanted to use me so they would. That it didn’t matter how I behaved, how I looked, what I did. That I was theirs and I knew it. Just like they did and so did everyone else.

“Hey,” Pat said sanding up after pulling his sock on, “You are more then what they think you are. More then what you think you are. It matters because you matter. It matters because you’re tired and you’ve had more than enough ok Rabbit? That’s why it matters and it matters most importantly because I love you. We love you. Don’t we, Cole.”

“Yeah man,” Cole agreed nodding his head, “I mean I don’t love you the same way he does obviously but you’re like one of my best friends. Of course, I love you.”

“Thanks, but that’s not going to stop him,” I replied quietly.

“Ask him, maybe he’ll surprise you,” Cole answered, “I mean I’ve only been contracted once but sometimes he was ok he just…most of the time wasn’t but if I really made it clear that I was beyond not comfortable with something he’d back off sometimes.”

“You were in a contract once?” I asked.

“Yeah I was a kid. I don’t like talking about it but yeah it happened,” Cole answered shrugging his shoulders.

I nodded my head thinking of how upset he had been before they had lead us downstairs. Talking about Lord and the stuff he was into. How I knew for a fact he was into younger boys and the pieces just kind of fit. How he would understand that detail about the leader what he liked, how he was.

“Yeah just like make sure he knows ok? See what he does he might be more…receptive to you,” Cole said patting my shoulder gently, “Just try it. See what happens.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted out loud to them, “I’m scared that he’s going to make me do the things they made me do last night. And I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want …I don’t want him to tie me up and blindfold me. I don’t want to hear what he has to say about me. I don’t want…”

“Shhh hey we know. I know it’s ok,” Pat said hugging me suddenly, “Shhh…. Shhh, it’s ok Rabbit. I know you don’t. I know. But you want to know something? You’re so strong. You’re so strong Rabbit and you’re going to get through this weekend and I’ll see you Monday. You are so strong. I can’t even…” He stopped looking at me closely his eyes staring into my soul. I didn’t feel strong. I felt like nothing. I was nothing as far as I was concerned.

“Hey,” Cole said and I felt him hug me from behind, “Hey you’re safe right now ok? You just have to hold out. It won’t be much longer before you out grow them. Before we’re done with this. Then all you have to worry about is getting them to keep their hands off your siblings because they won’t be interested in you anymore, all right?”

“16,” I said barely above a whisper.

“What?” Cole asked behind me.

“Leo likes guys up to 16 usually. That’s three years from now,” I clarified.

“Oh,” Cole said letting me go slowly.

It was like he didn’t know what to say. If there was even anything he could say. I had basically told him I had at least three more years of hell left. Three more years before I could be alive or as close to it as I would ever be. Three more years under water.  
“Hey, it doesn’t matter 3 months or three years I’ll still be here and when we leave we leave together ok?” Pat told me grabbing the back of my head firmly but gently and kissing me to which I heard Cole clears his throat before a pair of pants hit me in the back of the head ended up draped over top of us.

“Break it up before you get your asses caught,” Cole scoffed as Pat grabbed the pair of pants that were on my head smiling at me sadly and then handing it to me.

“If it makes you feel better I probably have to see Gus,” Pat whispered in my ear hugging me still.

“Not really,” I answered, “Thank you for that though. Reminding me I’m not alone. That it’s not just me. I mean I know they did things to you and you too,” I turned to Cole, “I mean I know they did it’s just. I feel them all the time especially after they…”

“We get it,” Cole said, “Trust me. I understand.”

“Yeah, I know it’s just hard,” I answered, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, good luck we’ll see you Monday all right?” Cole told me.

“Yeah thanks,” I said nodding my head pulling my pants up my naked hips and doing them up because I figured it didn’t matter just as there was another knock on the door and this time it was Hank with Leo.

“You ready to go boys?” Hank asked, “Art’s downstairs ready to go.”

“Yeah, we’re ready,” Pat said nodding his head as both him and Cole looked at me sadly. I saw the pity in their eyes but I saw the love in Pat’s. How desperately he wanted to hold me, to tell them to fuck off. To tell them to leave me alone before he turned and walked out the door.

“Go on I’ll be there in a minute,” Hank said as Pat and Cole kept walking but slowed down slightly.

Hank came further into the room looking at Leo who nodded before he looked at me. I gulped knowing this wasn’t good. Whatever this was I didn’t want it and it wasn’t good.

“Leo?” I asked quietly as Hank just kept coming closer, getting closer as I felt like I was panicking like there wasn’t anything I could do.

“It’s ok baby he just wants to say good bye,” Leo said watching us.

“No please,” I said shaking my head looking at Leo, “Please?”

“Hey, it’s ok. You have permission. You don’t need to be upset. Go ahead and say good bye,” Leo coaxed.

“Leo please,” I said again as Hank grabbed my hips tightly closing the distance between us. He grabbed me hard and started kissing my neck and I felt frozen. Dead almost. Leo just watching him, watching him bite and nibble on my neck. Watching his hands slid under the waist bands of my jeans as I closed my eyes trying to block it out. Trying not to go into that part of my head that screamed everything any of them had ever said to me.

He wouldn’t stop him though. Leo wouldn’t make him stop he just watched. Watched as Hank forced his tongue past my lips and rolled it across my teeth over my tongue and against the roof of my mouth. Watched as I struggled as I balled my hands into fists to keep myself from reaching out, from trying to push Hank away. When Hank was done he let me go and I fell to the floor. My feet feeling numb, my knees feeling weak and they both laughed. It sounded far away but I could still hear it and then he said something to Leo and left.

“What do you think about that baby?” Leo asked me those words finally managing to reach through the fog I felt like I was drowning in.

“W-what?” I asked.

“He wants a playdate with us, just the three of us. What do you think about that?” He asked me coming towards me and before I could protest hooking his hands under my armpits and pulling me back to my feet.

I shook my head. I wasn’t sure it was safe to speak. I wasn’t sure that anything was ever going to safe again. It was bad enough I had to deal with Da and Leo let alone Hank too. I felt like I needed a strong drink but that anything I could get my hands on wouldn’t be strong enough to erase the feeling of them on my skin. That no shower could ever be hot enough. That I was just a toy and not a person at all.

“Aww, he might be disappointed to hear that. I thought I was making a new friend, maybe we should discuss it again later?” He suggested, “Are you ready to go?”

“Can I go grab a shirt?” I questioned quietly afraid to hear his answer.

“You know you won’t need one so I don’t know why you’re so worried about it,” he answered, “I think we should just go, we can pick up some take out on the way to the condo if you want. Just kind of bum around. Speaking of bums how are you feeling?”  
“Tired,” I answered simply.

“You’re Dad said you cried last night,” Leo mentioned casually.

“Yeah, I was just super tired,” I answered.

“Really? Because you hardly ever cry like that he said,” Leo commented.

I shrugged my shoulders, “Why do you care?”

“You’re my boyfriend why wouldn’t I care? You’re important to me John,” he said, “So of course I care.”

So that’s what he thought of me? I was his boyfriend. I wasn’t some kid he raped every weekend in his mind or someone his son went to school with that his son enjoyed tormenting, I wasn’t just someone he liked to gang rape with his friends. I was his boyfriend.

“If you really cared you wouldn’t hurt me,” I answered.

“You think I hurt you? You don’t know what hurt is. I could hurt you if you like. Invite Allan over. I’m sure you remember him? Think about what he did and compare it to what I do. Do you still think I hurt you?” He hissed his hand raised like he was going to slap me.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly putting my hands up in front of my face to protect myself.

“Good,” he said lowering his hand, “I know you don’t understand yet but one day you will I promise. I love you baby. I really do and I’m just trying to teach you things that’s all this is. Your Da and I and even Hank we love you, ok? We really do.”

I just nodded my head not sure there was anything I could say to that. Not sure there was anything I could do to make him understand that he hurt me. That I didn’t want him, any of them touching me like that. That it hurt. That feeling of uncomfortable fullness when they shoved themselves inside of me, when they whispered those things against my skin. How perfect I was, how I was such a good boy, how they loved me. How I was amazing and how I felt good, tasted good. I wasn’t sure what I could do or say to convince him those things hurt almost more than having my ribs beat in.

“Ok let’s go,” he said and I followed him out the door numbly. He didn’t speak to me again until I had climbed into the SVU still bare chested and tired and buckled myself in wishing I had a shirt so that people couldn’t see me. So, that I wasn’t exposed, the scars covering my chest and back visible for the world to look at.

“You were good last night at least for the most part,” he said and when I didn’t say anything in response he continued talking, “Until Ben decided to pet that sweet spot while he did this thing with his mouth. I’ve never seen anyone do before then you started to whimper loudly it was the sweetest noise though but it really seemed to upset your Da.”

“He doesn’t like it when I say stuff,” I answered quietly.

“I know, I love all the sounds you make. Even if it’s pleading with me to stop because you don’t understand what’s happening,” Leo answered.

“I know what’s happening. I just don’t want it to happen,” I answered.

“That’s what your brain says but your body is saying something entirely different. We made you cum twice just from milking your prostate last night,” he said almost laughing about it making me shiver, “Don’t be upset about it. It’s not a big deal. It’s actually kind of cute that you’re that sensitive to it.”

“I hate my body,” I muttered.

“Well I love your body. You’re perfect. You fit me like a glove and I think I said that out loud last night too. Hank asked if he could bareback with you some time because he wanted to know what it was like to fill you up,” Leo said.

“I thought the brotherhood was about safety,” I answered.

“It is usually but we could make an exception. Me and your Dad if we agree to it. I have to say it is rather arousing when you get up to shower after we’re finished and I can see my seed dripping from you. It’s actually really hot makes me want to clean you up myself sometimes,” he said putting his hand on my upper thigh and squeezing it which caused me to make a strangled sound in the back of my throat, “Calm down. Nothing until we get home ok?”

“I feel like I need a break,” I said remembering what Cole said to me. That I should ask for a break, make him aware of how bad I felt. How close to losing my mind I was because they wouldn’t keep their hands off of me, because they kept doing things to me.

“I know baby,” he said sighing as he took his hand off my leg and put it back on the steering wheel, “I know that seems to be something you don’t like the hearing and sight minimization but it makes your tactile senses go wild you realize, that right?”

“You mean it makes me acutely aware that someone is licking my fucking hip while someone else blows me and there’s a finger up my ass while someone’s dick in is in my mouth and someone else keeps nibbling and licking my chest? Yeah no fucking kidding,” I hissed.

“Oh, baby calm down. I’m not trying to upset you. It’s just fun,” Leo commented.

“It’s not fun. It’s really not fun,” I insisted.

“Why not?” He asked me.

“It hurts. Because it fucking hurts ok? You may think it doesn’t but it does. It fucking hurts everything feels like it’s asleep or on fucking fire and I don’t like it. Out of all of the stuff you guys do to do me that is one of the worst things you do and I HATE IT,” I said gasping my breathing shallow as I tried to hold back the tears trying to escape from my eyes.

“Ok,” Leo said not looking at me nodding his head at the traffic in front of him, “All right. I’m glad you were honest about that. Is that why you’re always so upset after it happens? Because we’ve only done it twice and both times Art said you had a problem with shaking. That looked like you were zoning out really bad and were really jumpy and didn’t want anyone coming near you.”

“Yes. You don’t know what it feels like. How bad it fucking hurts how much it…” He cut me off.

“I do now because you just told me. I will talk to you Dad and we’ll see if that’s something he won’t allow to happen anymore, all right?” Leo said to me.

I just nodded my head quickly trying to slow my breathing and my heart rate. Hoping that maybe he was telling the truth. That maybe he would talk to my Da and my Da would listen to him. Would understand it was something that while I hated everything they did I found nearly unbearable to deal with. He hit the turn signal and hit the garage door opener pulling in and allowing the garage to close behind us before we got out of the car.

I sighed knowing I was trapped. That this was my weekend starting the same way it always did. That I would have to ask quietly to see if he would let me keep my clothes, my pants considering I didn’t have anything else on. As we walked up the stairs and he unlocked the door letting us inside he looked at me. That look in his eyes and then he said the word like it was a curse he was throwing out into the air.

“Clothes.”

“Leo,” I said quietly not even daring to look him in the eyes, “Can I keep my…”

“No. You don’t need Jeans unless we’re going out so you can take them off. Now,” he said.

I hugged myself feeling my naked chest against my arms knowing that I wouldn’t win this one. That he was going to take them away and I was stuck. That he wouldn’t give me a shirt either. That he wanted to see my bare skin, every inch of it. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel this exposed not now, not ever.

“Leo, please?” I asked him again quietly.

“No, listen. I know you feel vulnerable. That you’re scared but I’m not going to hurt you baby ok? I love you. I would never hurt you. I just want you to be accessible, all right? Just in case we feel like being affectionate,” Leo said.

“Leo, please don’t make me. I already feel naked. My skin is crawling. I just need a shower please,” I begged.

“You need to take your pants off in order to shower so why not take them off here? I promise I won’t hurt you baby just…” He pushed me against the door that he had closed behind us. 

His hands traveling down my rib cage and to my hips. His hands easily separating the button from its hole on the front of my jeans allowing the loose-fitting pants to slide down on their own falling off my naked hips his eyes falling downward in the direction of my pants making me shiver. I tried to use my hands to cover myself, to cover that part of me so he couldn’t see it and instead he grabbed my wrists hard before my hands could make the journey making me whimper and my face turn red causing my throat to ache as my sob started clawing at my throat looking to escape.

“It’s ok baby,” he told me, holding my hands rubbing the top of my right hand gently with his thumb, “It’s ok I know you’re nervous but I’m not going to hurt you ok? This is about you, making you feel good all right.

“I don’t want to,” I somehow managed to get past my lips without letting the sob loose that was stuck in my throat waiting to burst forth like water breeching a dam.

“Hey, you’re all right I promise,” he said again kissing my cheek pulling me forward and picking me up bridal style. His eyes boring into me, seeing straight into my soul. Seeing my protest and smiling at it. Taking pleasure in my discomfort. In the fact that I didn’t want him to touch me, to put his hands there, his mouth there and I knew he was going to. He was going to make me lay down while his hands and tongue went there and I wanted to scream, wanted to die.

He carried me past the couch and into his bedroom setting me down slowly on the bed. He swung his one leg over top of me straddling my hips as he playfully pushed my arms above my head into the pillows his tongue finding the exposed crook of my neck making me close my eyes and grit my teeth. His mouth causing my spine to light on fire as he kissed me. His other hand eventually finding the pressure points behind my jaw and pushing on them lightly forcing my mouth open before his tongue found its way into my mouth as my lips started to tremble because I knew what he was doing. His hips grinding down hard against my nakedness, making the whole thing unbearable. The fabric of his pants erupting goose bumps over my body, the friction too much for me to be able to stand.

“God, you taste so good. Always so good,” he whispered into my mouth before his kisses moved down my chin to the center of my sternum. 

“Stop,” I begged using all the strength I had in my arms to push up against his hands that were holding my arms in place and finding my strength wasn’t enough to force any give from his muscles, “Please Leo. Please don’t, please don’t.”

“Shhh, it’s all right baby,” he said into the center of my chest the words causing his lips to brush against my skin as I tried to wriggle. To just move and buck him off of me, anything. This felt painful each nerve in my body already on fire from what they had made me do the night before.

“Stop, GOD STOP!” I begged the tears finally coming, the sobs finally breaking free. Not even words just loud earth-shattering sobs that sounded inhuman. That I found hard to believe were coming from me. Sobs like my soul was dying because it was. I was accepting the fact that, that what he was doing was all I was. I was sex. Walking talking sex for anyone to take and do what they wanted with.

“Just let it happen baby you’ll be so much happier,” Leo breathed against my neck as I pushed at his arms helplessly trying to get him to stop and he smiled, “No, calm down. Let it happen or I will restrain you and we’ll play other games ok?”

“I-I-I’m t-t-t-tired pl…please,” I begged.

“Come on baby. I’ll make you feel real nice. I swear, make you come real hard,” he said pushing me down harder, his weight shifting. His knees struggling to push my legs apart, to open me up to him so he could penetrate me.

I screamed. I screamed and sobbed wishing he would just stop. That he wouldn’t do this to me. His knees finding the pressure points he was looking for, forcing my legs apart. I had really had enough and didn’t want anymore. I wanted a shower. I wanted a mouthful of pills so I never had to wake up again. I wanted anything and everything but what he was doing.

He got mad his hand going to my neck squeezing. The pressure causing my ears to pop, causing me to stop trying to push him away. He wasn’t cutting off my air but making sure I was uncomfortable enough that I realized he wasn’t messing around. That he would hurt me if I didn’t stop whatever it was I was doing that he didn’t like.

He smiled at my stillness my lack of sound as I looked at him, “There we go. Just let it happen baby,” he said not preparing my body just slowly pushing into me the burn hurting, making me bit my tongue to keep from screaming.

It didn’t take him long to get inside, coating himself in lube and shoving his way in. It took him even less time to find that rhythm snapping his hips and rolling them so that it hit that place sending spots flashing across my eyes and fireworks down my spine. The pressure building felt weird making my face go red. Making it hard to breathe, making me pant despite the pain because it was so mixed with pleasure that spot burning brighter and brighter inside of me with pleasure like a star getting ready to explode.

“There you go baby,” he said my mouth opening and closing repeatedly as I tried to keep myself silent, to keep myself from moaning, “That’s it, that’s the spot huh? Yeah it is, isn’t it? God, you feel so good baby. So, tight and hot. Better than any pussy I’ve ever had. Are you going to cum for me baby? Come nice and hard for me?”

He looked at me closely thoughtfully and then slowed his pace. His hips rocking backwards, rolling outwards pulling him away from my body slowly, out of my body. Hitting something just the right way that a moan finally broke past my voice box. I felt humiliated that he could do that. Make me moan, make those sounds, feel that tingle up and down my spine. The slowing of his pace made it so pleasurable it was painful my body starting to shake.

“Just come for me baby, we can come together,” he said rolling his hips inward again.

“Ahh,” Escaped from my mouth to which he smiled burying his face into my neck as he pushed forward. Him biting my skin there excitedly as more moans continued to escape from me. Him not even pulling out all the way anymore.

“I’m so close baby and I know you are too. Let’s come together ok?” He whispered into my neck one of his hands reaching in between us grabbing me, rubbing forcefully. Before I could stop myself, I was mewling while I came hard. All of my muscles locking up on me as I coated our stomachs in jizz and he exploded inside me sending that sticky hotness up into my passage. He rolled off of me before pulling me to his chest stopping me from getting up.

“Beautiful,” he panted into my ear kissing down my side. When his teeth and tongue grazed my hip bone I tried to pull away jump up. Knowing what he was going to do since I was finished. Since I was beyond done.

“No,” I said trying to push him away to which he grabbed my balls squeezing lightly the action threatening pain. Very serious pain making me stop fighting.

“There we go,” he said his mouth sucking where his hand had just been sending cold sparks up through my body again. I let him do it my back arching as he slid is tongue along the underside of my shaft my breath hitching again as I started to reharden.   
Apparently, my body wasn’t responding to him fast enough because I felt a finger slid inside me tickling that spot again. I closed my eyes and just “let it happen” my brain going emotionally numb.

He sighed happily licking his lips when he was done, after he got gotten me to climax again. My legs feeling like jelly. Everything in my system that involved feeling anything shutting down for the moment. I sighed heavily wishing I could curl up and die but knowing he probably wouldn’t let me. That he probably wanted to keep going. To push his way back into my body until I outright sobbed and begged him to stop again. 

“That felt good, didn’t it?” He asked me kissing on my neck some more, “Baby quit shaking you’re fine.”

“Hmmm?” I asked not even aware I was shaking. Not even paying attention to the fact that my body was that overworked, over tired. Or that I was having muscle contractions as I laid there.

“Hey, I have an idea. How about I start a bath for you ok? You’ve been so good so far other then the pushing back but that’s ok. I can understand why you might be a little apprehensive after all the activity you had yesterday. But for now, we’re done. I’ll start your bath and then you can eat some food and just relax ok baby?” He said kissing me quickly on the lips before getting up and turning on the bath water.

He actually let me bathe on my own and when I got out he had food ready on a serving tray and had given me the remote to find something on TV. He mumbled something about having paperwork to finish and left me to myself. I ate a little bit of food. Probably not as much as I needed but my stomach was beyond upset, I was beyond tired and ended up falling asleep only to be woken up by a hard shake sometime later.

“Hey…. you’re ok, you’re all right baby,” he said, “It was just a dream. Do you need some water?”

“What?” I asked.

“You were screaming baby,” he said rubbing my back to which I shrugged his hand off of me, “Don’t be like that.”

“Sorry, I just…I don’t remember,” I stammered, “Sorry.”

“It’s ok,” he said looking at me putting his arm back where it was, “It was just a bad dream all right?”

“Yeah,” I sighed feeling the sting in my eyes thinking to myself if only it had been a bad dream.

“I’ll be right back ok?” He said getting up and walking away.

I hugged myself burying myself back into the covers. I wanted Pat. I didn’t want to be here stuck with him. I wanted Pat. I wanted to smell him. To feel him around me in every way possible, to smell him and bury my face in his hair. I didn’t want Leo. My whole being feeling nauseous at the thought of having to sleep next to him. He came back with a bottle of water which I reached out my hand for before he pulled it away puckering his lips.

“You’re not going to give it to me?” I asked confused.

“Usually people thank their boyfriends with a kiss when they do something for them you know,” Leo said.

“I can’t have a boyfriend I’m not…you know.” I said quietly.

“No one is completely straight baby especially at your age. You can’t tell me you haven’t circle jerked it with your friends in private. No adults, no cameras. Everyone does it sometimes,” Leo commented, “Besides that contract I have with you that’s all it means. Is we’re dating. Other then at Parties I’m pretty exclusive with you and you’re Da needs my permission for other people to spend time with you and they have to be safe so…yeah we’re dating.”

“When you say safe you mean condoms?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said, “Why was someone not safe with you?”

I felt confused by the question. The only two people that ever didn’t use condoms besides that one time was Da and Leo and I hated that feeling so much. The feeling of that inside me, dripping out and down my legs. It made me feel sick.

“You and Da,” I answered only half lying.

“That’s different though,” Leo said, “We’re clean for starters no STI’s and you’re Da doesn’t play that way with anyone outside of your family and I’m your boyfriend. I should be allowed to breed you if I want.”

“Breed?” I asked.

“It means fill you. It feels fucking amazing without that little rubber,” Leo said.

“Hank said he wanted to,” I said remembering how scary that was. How much Hank had hurt when he had done that. 

“I know he asked your Dad about it and they both approached me,” Leo said, “I told Hank to get a test done and if he came back clean we could discuss it some more.”

“I don’t…” I closed my eyes pushing lightly on my closed eyelids to keep the tears from spilling out, “I would like it if you said no.”

“Can you tell me why?” He asked me handing me my water.

“I… I don’t like the way it feels,” I answered, “I don’t like him.”

“Ok, but only if you do something for me all right?” He said his hand cupping my leg just above my knee.

He was going to make me have sex with him again. It was going to be like before. How he had done nothing but make me lay in bed naked and have sex with him until I couldn’t even think. Until I was just a mess of raw nerves.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s something we haven’t done for a while,” He answered his hand starting to slide up my leg towards my crotch.

“Leo, just tell me what it is please?” I asked wanting to pull away but knowing if I did whatever it was he was asking about he would do it anyway just to punish me. Then probably make me lay with Hank just for the hell of it.

“Well, it’s something we haven’t done in a while. You have to be really still,” Leo said hinting at what he was talking about.

He wanted to put that rod thing inside of me that made me feel funny. That twisting that made my body jerk and see fireworks. I didn’t want to do that. I hated that. It made everything feel too tight and burn a little bit. It felt really weird and I didn’t like it.  
“If I don’t are you going to make me?” I asked quietly only daring to glance at him before looking away at my lap. At his hand slowly moving closer to my penis over the covers.

“I wouldn’t be that mean to you baby ok?” He answered me, “I’ll give you a choice you know that.”

“You mean Hank or that?” I asked feeling my whole body start to shake.

I didn’t want to do that. I hated both of those options. At the time, I did see it as a choice. But at the time I was a 13-year-old kid who was being manipulated by everyone around him. Who was being told that the guy he was in bed with wasn’t raping him. That they were boyfriends and that he never forced me to do anything. That he wouldn’t hurt me, that he wasn’t mean to me when that’s all that he was. 

“Hey,” he said grabbing my chin lightly forcing my eyes to look into his, “That’s not a bad choice baby. I won’t even restrain you ok? I know it feels weird at first but then it’ll feel really good. I’ll use the vibrating one. It’ll be fun.”

I sighed. He was actually going to make me choose. I could lay down with Hank or I could let him shove that thing into me. I didn’t want to do either but I didn’t want to have sex with Hank. Especially not Hank. 

He straddled my hips over the sheets grinding against me making sure he forced my mouth open so he could kiss me. His tongue rolling across mine, tickling the soft pallet of the roof of my mouth making me make out with him. I whined into his mouth careful not to push him away as he explored the inside of my mouth making my stomach roll with nausea. His hands moved down my torso before he broke away from me both of us panting him out of excitement, me out of fear and shame.

“I’ll be right back ok baby?” He said kissing my cheek before he clambered off me. 

I sat up pulling the blankets around me hoping to hide. To shield myself somehow from what he was about to make me do. When he came back into the room he was smiling at me holding a black pouch, which made me shiver and hug myself tightly because I didn’t want to do this. He climbed onto the bed by my feet looking at me expectantly while I sat there frozen.

“Are you going to make room for me?” He asked looking at me trying to pull the blanket away from me so I was exposed.

“Leo…,” I started.

“No, this or Hank. Which one? Because I know you aren’t a fan of Hank because Hank gets a little too rough. So, what will it be?” He said to me, sitting back putting his weight on his knees just for a second as I pulled my knees into my chest making room for him to comfortably sit down.

I looked inside myself. Reflexed on what I really wanted. Knowing Leo even though he would never “hurt” me there was a very good chance he would make me do both anyway so I didn’t see the point in picking. While Hank sucked he would only shove a vibrator up my ass if he was feeling really adventurous not shove one into my dick. I sighed making up my mind.

“Hank,” I said quietly not looking Leo in the eye.

His face turned cold instantly, “What did you say?”

My resolve started to falter looking at his face his hands resting on my knees, “I’d rather be with Hank then…then do that.”

“Ok,” Leo said through gritted teeth forcing a smile that was obviously fake, “I’ll be back in just a minute.” He got up and left the room again leaving me sitting where I was leaving the black pouch on the bed effectively making me even more nervous.  
I didn’t dare to move because I could tell he had been angered by my answer. I didn’t know what he was doing but figured he might be calling Hank or something like that. When he came back he handed me a glass, “drink it,” he said handing to me.  
“What is it?” I asked scared for a second that maybe he was trying to poison me.

“It’s soda,” he promised me, “Here I’ll take a drink.”

He tipped the glass to his lips taking a sip and making a show of swallowing as he handed it back to me. I sighed not sure what exactly this was. Why he was telling me to drink something? I felt my eyebrows raise.

“What baby?” He asked me watching me carefully.

“What if I’m not thirsty?” I asked.

“Just drink it for me baby ok?” He asked sighing as he started fidgeting around on the bed. Before I could stop him, he had pulled out a syringe and jabbed me in the arm with it.

“What the fuck Leo?” I asked looking at him confused knowing whatever he had just done wasn’t good.

“I am a doctor you realize?” He asked me.

“Yes, I know you’re a doctor. You were my doctor. But what the actual fuck?” I asked rubbing my arm, “That hurt.”

“It’ll only sting for another minute or two before it kicks in,” he said smiling.

“Kicks in? What did you give me? Did you just drug me?” I asked. I started to feel my heart rate increase as I went to go stand up and found the room wobbling slightly.

“I didn’t want to fight you on the restraints. See I was really looking forward to playing with you tonight with some toys but, since you seem to be resistant to the idea. More so than I was hoping you would be. I’m going to have to get what I want by other means. So, this will make you nice and sleepy so I don’t have to fight you on it,” he answered me.

“Leo what the fuck?” I asked again as my legs felt like they were turning to jelly and he grabbed me around the waist.

“It’s ok just relax,” he told me.

“But I…” The room started spinning around me and I don’t remember much at that point. Not for a while. When I woke up just as he had suggested he was going to do he had cuffed me to the bedframe. I pulled at them to see how tight they were. Feeling the metal bite into the skin of my wrist which made me whimper. This was really bad. 

“Leo?” I asked quietly to which I found no reply him not even in the room.

I sighed figuring it was probably better not to get his attention. At least not for the time being since I couldn’t defend myself. Not that I would have anyway for fear of getting the shit beat out of me. That is until I heard the laughter coming from the living room and I knew it was him. I knew it was Leo and Hank and I didn’t want that. I was beyond terrified of that. I started straining against the cuffs as hard as I could even though it was tearing at my skin, making my wrist hurt.

I was not doing this. Fuck this. I wasn’t doing it. There was no way in hell I was going to do this. Not after last night. Not after that damn blind fold and those fucking headphones that canceled out every noise you could hear besides your own breathing.  
“Should we see if our beautiful boy is awake?” I heard Leo ask Hank as he opened the door.

“No Leo no,” I said shaking my head.

“You said you’d rather him then sounding. So, you get him and then you get something really fun,” Leo said as Hank started stripping off his clothes.

“Leo I’m sorry. I’ll do it. Just don’t let him. Please god, I’ll do it. I swear. I’ll be still and good. Please just don’t make me do it,” I said still pulling at the cuffs desperately trying to change Leo’s mind. Trying to not allow him to do that to me.

“Baby I’m not going to hurt you,” Hank said fully undressed climbing up the foot of the bed as I squeezed my legs together to make it harder for him to gain entry that way even though my whole body was shaking. My muscles felt weak and useless and I knew it wasn’t going to matter.

He climbed up me, his hands grabbed at my ankles to force my legs apart as Leo threw the lube onto the bed next to us before Hank managed to hook his fingers between my knees and ripped them apart.

“NO,” I begged, “No Hank no.”

“Shhh, just let it happen baby it’ll feel good. You always feel so good,” Hank cooed as he generously dispensed lube onto his fingers settling in between my knees so I couldn’t close them as Leo forced one of my legs to bend in order to give Hank access.

“Leo, make him stop. Don’t let him, please god please,” I pleaded as Leo ran his other hand through my hair.

“Baby it’s fine we’re just having fun,” Leo told me as I tried to get his hands away from me yanking at the handcuffs even harder as I yelped before Hanks fingers had found their way in there as he shoved them both in at once.

I tried kicking out at them but it didn’t do me any good. Leo up by my face and restrained arms and Hank holding the ankle of the leg that kicked in his direction before slapping it away hard. A look of glee on his face as he began to scissor me and added a third finger.

“Leo please. Leo please don’t let him,” I begged again.

“Baby it’s ok. I’m right here he won’t hurt you,” He told me as the tip of one of Hanks fingers brushed against that spot lightly causing me to gasp loudly.

I was panting heavily with the effort of trying to get Hank off of me, of kicking out and squirming and because I was that afraid. I didn’t like this at all. This was beyond anything I was ok with. At least when they usually did something like this it wasn’t just me by myself. Even if no one else was in the room where it was happening I knew at least Will or Pat was locked up in the cage in the other red room and here it was just me and them in Leo’s apartment. Both of them on me like rabid dogs on a piece of meat.

“Leo, you want to help so we can do that…” Hank started to ask and Leo cut him off.

“Oh yeah sure,” Leo said moving to sit beside Hank bending over me on the bed starting to rub me to hardness.

“No,” I shook my head whimpering, “No, no no.”

“Even your no’s are so fucking cute,” Hank commented pushing his fingers back in as Leo’s lips brushed the tip of my cock.

“God please stop,” I begged feeling the tears starting to burn at my eyes as I felt Leo’s mouth slide around me.

“Thanks for the compliment baby but you know very well I’m not God,” Hank said shifting his weight and pushing my one knee up bending it more before I felt his tongue go there, like inside of me there making me scream in surprise.

I felt disgusting with them doing that. My body responding the way they wanted it to. My erection growing until I felt like I was about to cum only they have them both pull away suddenly and have Leo pull something out of the black pouch.

“What is that?” I barely managed to stammer as he stretched it fitting it snugly over my balls and shaft as he let it go having it squeeze my base firmly to the point where it almost hurt.

“It’s a cock ring, it’s just for fun,” Leo told me as I felt Hank pressing against my hole.

I hissed as I felt him breech me. Leo coming up to my face and petting my hair again, “It’s ok. You’re doing so good. We’re going to make you cum so hard when it’s time baby.”

“Stop please,” I begged. I kept my eyes closed tightly as I felt Hank pull out and ram back into me hard and fast.

“God better than any pussy,” he grunted.

Leo laughed, “That’s what I told him earlier. Isn’t it baby?” He asked me still petting the top of my head.

“pl-ple-please,” I begged. Hank rocking the bed with every movement, my body shaking.

All of the blood in my system felt like it was pooled into my groin. The hotness unbearably hot, my erection making everything feel tight and beyond my control. I knew my body needed to cum but I felt like it was impossible to do so. The tightness and hardness almost so much it was painful. Hank hit my prostate sending a jolt through my body like jumping off a bridge and landing in ice cold water after a long drop causing me to make this weird sound in my throat almost like a dog whimpering and a gulp all at the same time.

“It’s ok baby. You can make all the sounds you want,” Leo said kissing the top of my head, “Better to get it out now before the real fun starts.”

“God so good. He feels so fucking good,” Hank said again.

“I know, right? It’s no wonder everyone wants him. I mean he’s beautiful, has the biggest dick for someone his age and he’s so fucking tight and just the right amount of hot and smooth with that little bit of roughness too,” Leo commented on my body as I tried to tune them out. To go somewhere else in my mind the cock ring making the task impossible.

“That and he’s just the right amount of hard and soft. Not yet a man but not a little boy anymore. He’s everything anyone could ask for am I right Hank?” Leo added.

“Mhm, oh fuck yeah,” Hank said hitting my prostate directly on causing my back to arch and me to throw my head back involuntarily as it got desperately hard for me to keep breathing. A gasp emitting from my open mouth that I found I could no longer close.

“That was a sweet little sound,” Leo said, “You’ve never made that sound for me. How come you’ve never done that for me?”

“Oh, shit I’m so close baby. You’re so fucking tight,” Hank moaned ramming into me hard enough to force my knees into my chest. I felt like I was being elevated off the bed as he came inside me. I felt the liquid heat shoot into me sending a shock wave up my spine. So, Leo had let him do it. Have sex with me without a condom. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek before he rolled off me.

“Thank you for that,” Hank said standing up, “You want me to stay to help with the other part?”

“No, I’ve got that on my own. Thank you,” Leo said his thumb brushing over my slit as he palmed my still rock-hard cock the pain and pleasure making me twitch at the same time Hank started getting dressed. 

When Hank was dressed he left himself out shutting the door behind him and probably making sure the front door was locked as well because Leo didn’t follow after him. Leo turned his attention back to the black pouch that was still sitting on the bed. I knew it was full of sounding rods. I wasn’t stupid. The idea of having that done to me after Hank was behind what I could stand and I tried and failed to bite back a sob.

“Shhh…you said you would rather deal with Hank. So, you dealt with Hank,” Leo told me, “This is what happens when you ruin my fun baby. Don’t worry you’ll be all right. It won’t hurt forever, I promise. Now I have some paperwork to do so I’m going to set this in place and then I’ll be back later all right?”

I sighed in relief. It just sitting in there wouldn’t be that bad. As long as he wasn’t using it to fuck my penis and send that horrible feeling throughout my body I might be ok to deal with it. I sat still as he coated it in the lube and slid it into me the weird burn it caused amplified by the fact that I was beyond hard because he wouldn’t let me finish. My body practically screaming at me for release that I couldn’t give it. Not that I had ever masturbated before but if it meant getting rid of how insane that feeling was making me, it might have been worth a shot.

“There you go,” he said smiling at me as he crawled over to the other side of the bed and pulled something out of it showing it to me proudly, “This is a prostate tickler you’re going to have lots of fun with this. And then you just need to lay here and wait for me ok baby?”

He covered it in lube before shoving it up inside of me turning it on and then sliding something into his pockets. The vibrations had my whole-body twitching as I struggled to breathe. This was fucking insane. He expected me to just sit here like this? With this thing up my ass poking at me like this when I was already beyond stimulated the everything else like tiny flames licking at my private parts sending horrible jolts of cold fire through my body.

“I’ll be back in a little while,” he said smiling at me and shutting the door behind me.

Once I got used to the pounding against my prostate after about 20 minutes I felt like I had been electrocuted as the sound hummed to life inside of me. The feeling causing me to scream out. The sensation too much for my body to handle as the other one felt like it picked up speed. I tried shifting my weight, anything to lessen the feeling and nothing worked as I screamed myself horse. The sweat starting to drip down my forehead and mix with the tears I could no longer hold back. 

This was almost as bad as having all of them on me at once only instead of having five different sets of hands along with five different tongues and sets of lips all over my body it felt like they were all just concentrated on my dick and ass. The feeling making it impossible to stop crying even after my voice no longer worked because I had screamed so much. My eyes kept rolling into the back of my head like I was being hit by volts of electricity and then coming back my breathing ragged as it got harder and harder to breathe out of my nose because it was filled with snot, my throat raw from screaming and crying.

When he was done with his paper work he came back into the bedroom his hand on my dick causing even the roots of the hair on my head to tingle making me emit a gurgled sound because everything hurt. It was too much and everything hurt. I couldn’t keep my body from twitching and jumping and felt like I my brain was going to explode. Or my dick was just going to explode from the inability to release all the pressure built up.

“Ok baby,” he said looking at me closely running a hand through my hair, “I’m going to let you cum now ok? Now remember what this felt like. The next time you say no to me about anything we’ll do this again. I know it’s awfully unpleasant especially by this point. However, you’ll feel a million times better in about 30 seconds I’ll make you melt as I swallow all your life juice.”

Before I could manage a sound of protest he had taken the sounding rod out and wrapped his mouth around me sticking his tongue into my swollen and inflamed slit making me whimper despite my lack of voice. After a minute, he stopped and took the cock ring off his throat opening up to take me in as I came shuddering down his throat my whole body jerking with the effort. My eyes rolling again as I finally was allowed to ejaculate. When I was done I collapsed feeling light headed with a slight headache. My whole body still burning as he made these suckling noises trying to swallow everything that shot down his throat without choking. When he was done he laughed heartily and sat up climbing on top of me and kissing my neck sending more sparks of pain and confusion up and down my spine.

“You’re amazing. We’ll have to use that cock ring again won’t be baby?” He asked me as I moved my arms slightly where they were still strapped to the headboard, “Yeah I can let you go. However, if I do what will you do for me?” He asked me looking at me closely.

“Please,” I managed to hoarsely get out before having a coughing fit my voice and throat raw.

“Please what? Pull this vibrator out and make love to you? I can do that,” he said uncuffing my one wrist my arm falling limply to the pillows.

“Stop,” I moaned as he pulled the vibrator out of me my whole body screaming at me to stop letting him touch my skin.

He didn’t stop. He shoved himself into me and made sure he was satisfied before he rolled off me pulling me into his chest. My skin crawling as he fell asleep holding me. I wanted to die but felt like I couldn’t move. Every movement causing the fabric of the sheets to rub against my body sending explosions of overstimulation through every cell.

I would have begged him to kill me if he had been awake. I would have begged him to shoot me in the face. My whole body making my stomach want to heave but not having the energy to do so. The first moment the crawling stopped moving under my skin I stood up and went to the bathroom finding a razor and pulling it across my inner right thigh but finding the one cut wasn’t enough. That it didn’t matter.

I needed more to make sure the feeling of him against me, on me didn’t come back. I sat down on the toilet wanting to make sure I could see my canvas, that I knew where the razor would meet the skin perfectly. I took a deep inhale holding my breath as I pressed the razor hard against the skin above my knee making a diagonal cut into my flesh but trying to keep it small and even. I managed to finish the letter w against my leg before Leo knocked on the door my answer not coming soon enough to keep him from bursting in on me. He looked at me bleeding all over his bathroom floor.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO JOHN KILL YOURSELF? YOU KNOW HOW STUPID YOU ARE? YOU COULD HAVE HIT YOUR ARTERY!!” He yelled grabbing the toilet paper roll whole off the holder and unrolling an insane amount pressing it to my wound as blood continued to drip down my leg.

He sighed looking up at me, “God don’t do this again please. I’m sorry I yelled. You scared me ok? Don’t do this to yourself. You don’t deserve this. You’re so perfect baby. You shouldn’t hurt yourself like this.”

I started crying. I wasn’t prefect. I was a whore. That was the word I had intended to carve into my leg. Why couldn’t anyone see it but me? That that’s all I was, was a whore. My body always gave them whatever they wanted no matter how much I hated what they were doing. I always came hard no matter how much I didn’t want them to touch me, to make me feel that way. To make those lights dance and my eyes roll. To make my back arch up into their touches and make those moans escape me. If I couldn’t control my sexual urges that’s exactly what I was. I was a whore and nothing else.

“Baby, oh baby,” Leo said as he got out the first aid kit from under the sink, “What’s wrong? Tell me why did you do this?”

“I don’t want to do that again,” I barely managed to get out between my sniffles.

“You won’t have to if you just remember when given the choice between me and someone else you always choose me. I won’t hurt you. I’d never hurt you. I love you so much. I just wish you loved me. I mean you say it but, I’m not stupid. I know you’re just placating me. I want you to love me. To really love me. Just show me that I matter to you in the meantime ok? That’s all I ask,” Leo told me as he squirted something yellow onto my leg before he started wiping up the blood still dripping down the side of my thigh and onto the floor before he bandaged it heavily with gauze and medical tape.

I sighed, nodded my head. So that’s why he did that to me. Because I had chosen Hank over sounding. Because I had chosen to have a dick shoved up my ass compared to a metal rod shoved up my urethra. Because to him I would rather have Hank touch me then allow him to play with me using his stupid sex toys. I would rather have Hank hump me until he was satisfied and then leave then have the pain last for hours and the mental anguish continue to pile on until I couldn’t stand it. Until I was begging for him to stop. Until I couldn’t stand to have anyone touch me.

“There we go all cleaned up. Let’s go to bed and get some sleep ok? I’m going to give you something. Not like before it’s a pill but it’ll help you calm down ok? I won’t do that again. Never again as long as you remember how much I love you. That I’ll always take care of you ok?” He pledged to me.

“Ok,” I answered not looking him in the eyes, not wanting to see the lie there.

“Good, here grab my shoulders,” he said bending down and I did as I was told. He picked me up bridal style taking me back to the bed and setting me down gently pulling the covers up to my chin, “I’ll be right back. It’ll help you relax and sleep better ok?”  
I didn’t say anything and he quickly left. When he returned he handed me a little pentagon shaped pill and unscrewed the cap on a bottle of water before giving that to me as well. He watched me as I popped the pill into my mouth and swallowed it using the water before he took the water back capping it and setting it on the nightstand next to me.

“I have to go do something but I’ll be back in a little while ok? You just try to go to sleep baby. I love you,” he said.

I nodded my head and rolled over turning away from him having to smell him and Hank and their sex around me. Having to lay in the bed where they raped me. My brain too tired to really process how disgusting it was. How grody I felt not having showered when he was finished but pretty used to the sensation of someone’s filth and spit all over me when I went to sleep anyway. After a while I felt like the world was rocking gently to a slow lullaby and I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	41. 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wakes up at Leo's and finds his brain too confused giving into temptation for the first time in a while, finding that old habits are hard to break. He goes to school and finds different obstacles hard to face, causing him to hide out in a bathroom where he runs into trouble. Someone unexpected coming to his aid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 838 to 877. I had to cut this chapter down. I almost gave you to 890+. That would have been a very long chapter and very heavy one. I kind of like the cliff hanger which you will get to see finished probably mid-week at some point. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, unconventional use of butter,talking of child sexual abuse, mental health issues, talk of underage aged drinking, bullying, forced kissing, talk of forced brother/brother incest**

When I woke up I could feel his body heat in the bed beside me my head pounding lightly as if I were hung over even though I hadn’t had anything to drink in months. My sobriety a huge regret at the moment because at least if I had a hangover from drinking I would have probably felt pretty damn good. The night before and I wouldn’t be able to recall what had happened or at least not of cared if I could.

I went to go sit up and he reached over touching my shoulder making me jump 20 feet in the air my nerves still misfiring under my skin even at the slightest touch. 

“You ok baby? I’m sorry I scared you,” he said as I climbed out of bed before he could wrap his arms around me.

“I’m fine,” I lied, “Can I get a shower? Or is that going to be a problem for you because Da he a lot of the time…”

“Go shower, there’s nothing wrong with you showering Hank’s spunk off you. I know you’re Da doesn’t always let you shower but here you can shower anytime you want. As long as there is hot water,” Leo told me to which I nodded my head before heading into the bathroom.

I started scrubbing myself roughly the moment I got in hoping that maybe I could wash it all away. It didn’t work but I let the water scold my skin turning my complexion red. I put my face under the water rinsing, trying to think of something that didn’t make me want to shoot myself. So, lost in my own thoughts I didn’t hear the door open. However, I felt the air stir when he opened the curtain.

“Leo…” I started to ask.

“Don’t worry I don’t do shower sex, remember my ACL?” He questioned me, “I was just looking because you are something to look at baby. That’s for damn sure.”

“I’d like to shower on my own if that’s all right with you,” I answered curtly.

“Well I’m not in it with you so I would consider that showering alone. I can change that if you like however again I don’t do shower sex,” he told me again, “So it would kind of be disappointing for me.”

“Just can you shut the curtain?” I asked looking at him very aware of how naked I still was but getting used to being in that state of undress around him.

“I’m really enjoying the view,” Leo said.

“I’m not a fucking display window. So, could you shut the curtain?” I snapped.

“In a mood, the morning?” He asked curling his lip in amusement, “Ok, here’s the deal. I’ll shut the curtain if you join me for breakfast wearing your current attire.”

“Yeah ok whatever. That’s as far as that promise goes though. My skin is still crawling because of last night so please just shut the curtain,” I replied.

“I told you why last night happened. Don’t blame me for your mistake,” Leo commented.

“Did I say I was? No, I’m just asking you to shut the fucking curtain Leo. Really, that’s all,” I shot back.

“All right fair enough,” Leo said, “Rich is coming over later this afternoon.”

I froze. He had to be kidding me. After last night Dick was coming over when all he did was say those horrible things to me? Ask me if he could touch me, hurt me. Make me hate myself.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it’s my weekend. It’s your second weekend back so he decided to come by say hi and spend some time with me and you,” Leo answered.

“Are you going to make me…?” I trailed off exhaling deeply.

“I’ve told him nothing beyond second base ok? I know the last two days haven’t been easy for you,” Leo said looking at me, “Why did you do that to yourself last night?” 

I looked down at the gauze that was wet and useless against my thigh before pulling it off and setting it down on the side of the tub. Did he really care what my answer was? Why was he asking me? Did he want the real answer or would throwing a fake one out do just fine?

“I don’t know,” I lied.

“I’m a psychiatrist, John. I can tell that’s not true. Just be honest. I am your doctor,” he told me.

“Because I wanted to hurt myself. Because I deserved it,” I answered honestly surprising myself.

“But I had already punished you. There wasn’t any need for you to as well. That’s a little over kill don’t you think?” He asked me.

“Well,” I answered sighing as I rinsed out my hair before turning off the water slightly pissed that I had taken most of my shower with the curtain open and him watching me, “Wouldn’t you say two vibrators is a little over kill or does over kill only count when it’s me doing it to myself?”

“Ok this is the only warning I’m giving you. Check yourself before you earn more punishments and carving letters into your leg isn’t going to be the consequence you face understand me?” He said his eyes cold.

“Yes sir,” I answered harshly not in the mood for his games as I finished towel drying my hair and wrapped the towel around my waist.

“Maybe I should remove the second base rule if you’re going to keep being so petulant today,” Leo commented grabbing the towel from my waist surprising me.

“I’m sorry Leo, I’ll stop, really. I just…it’s hard sometimes ok?” I answered.

“What is?” He asked me.

“This, my life, me. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” I answered honestly his face softening the predator leaving his eyes for just a moment.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “It does get easier. If we stay agreeable I’m thinking of signing another contract when this one is up. What do you think about that? It will mostly be the same but for a year instead of six months. It’ll be a week at a time instead of just the weekend but you won’t be passed around whereas without a contract you probably will be.”

“I know,” I answered not wanting to think about how Leo was the better choice.

He was right. If I was contracted to him I was only obligated to sleep with him and my Da and whomever they gave permission to. Without being contracted I didn’t have that protection. My body belonged to whoever asked my Da if they could be with me. And Da wasn’t as picky as Leo was. That was very evident to me in the fact that I had only seen Hank a handful of times since Leo had asked if he could contract me.

“Can I ask for something if we do that again?” I asked swallowing as I walked out of the room and back into the bedroom.

“We can discuss somethings yes,” Leo answered, “Let’s eat. I have cheese Danishes and coffee.”

I sighed and went to the kitchen still naked sitting at the table as he handed me a mug of coffee and put the plate of Danishes on the table. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry or not but I never usually was after something like that. The night before being too much for my brain to handle and the night before that the same. If they didn’t let up I was going to break down and I knew it. I felt like he knew it too staring at me the way he was; as if he were contemplating my emotional state.

“So, what exactly is it you want to ask if I am allowed to recontract you?” Leo asked me.

“When is my contract up this time?” I asked curious because I couldn’t remember.

“February that’s why we’re discussing this,” Leo said, “What is it you want?”

“Time with my friends. Since you said it would be a week at a time once the summer got here maybe allow me to have time with them on the weekends,” I asked not daring to look at him.

“Well,” he sighed, “I know it’s important for you to not feel isolated socially so I can allow that but, I want Rich to go with you and what will you do for me?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, think of it this way it’s not up to you whether I can recontract you or not. That’s on your Dad. This contract is between him and I not you and me. So, you don’t have a lot of cards to play. What will you do for me if I allow you to see your friends on the weekends?” He restated the question.

“Sound,” I answered, “I won’t fight it. I’ll let you do it but, I’d also like a break sometimes. Like Mondays or something give me some space. I wouldn’t ask but once summer comes mum will be better and she’ll be really busy with the babies and so Da…he won’t be as distracted anymore. You know he’s going to want to be with me. He tells me that he does all the time.”

“What exactly does he say?” He asked me.

“That he’d,” I swallowed. I hated it when he did this. Made me talk about the things other people said to me or did to me. I could tell he got off on it when I did. The way he looked at me, the way he moved.

“Its ok baby take your time,” he said grabbing my hand that was laying on the table.

“He said that he likes me better than mum. That I feel better then she does. That I feel right. That he wishes he had someone like me when he was younger but that apparently he had to make me in order to have me,” I answered feeling my eyes sting.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of baby. Why are you crying? It’s amazing that your Dad loves you like that,” he said.

“I don’t like talking about it,” I answered flatly.

“I know. But it’s good to talk about it. It gives you perspective. Allows you to see things from a different point of view. You probably think he’s saying those things to hurt you to make you feel bad but he’s saying them because he loves you. Because he wants you to know how special you are. I know it’s unconventional according to normal society but there’s nothing wrong with it,” Leo told me.

“Leo, I don’t like talking about things ok? I don’t care if you think it’s going to help me. It’s not. Because once I let go of it, say it to someone something else happens so there isn’t any point,” I answered.

“Like what?” He asked me.

“The blindfold,” I answered, “Da and how he made…with Will,” I finished barely a whisper.

“You know there isn’t anything wrong with that right? Showing your brother, you love him,” Leo said.

“I don’t love him like that. He shouldn’t have to do that with me,” I answered pushing the rest of my food away, “Why don’t you get that? I don’t want him to have to do that.”

“See that’s why you need to tell me things like this so I can correct you. There’s nothing wrong with you doing that. I know most people say it’s wrong but they are the ones who are wrong. In Greece and Rome while it was unusual it wasn’t unheard of. Think of how far back our tradition goes all the way back to Greece. That’s special. That’s a test of time. That’s a real legacy,” Leo said.

“He shouldn’t have to do that,” I said again.

“Either way it was very hot watching you with him,” Leo answered, “Got I’m getting hard just remembering it. You came so hard. I bet it felt good. That friend of yours, what’s his name Patrick? Up against your back fucking you while you pushed into your brother. The sounds the three of you made and you in the middle. So, perfect, your mouth open in that O and your head thrown back with your eyes closed.” He said moving behind me starting to rub my shoulders his hands starting to travel down my back.

“Leo please don’t,” I said pushing back to stand up and once I was on my feet he pushed me forward hard into the table. The plates crashing to the ground as he pushed me forward sticking his hand in the butter dish before I felt him shove his fingers up inside me of making me bite my tongue.

He nibbled and sucked on the base of my neck his fingers shoving in hard moving trying to find that spot and stretch me out at the same time. This hurt. This wasn’t normal, not for Leo. He grunted, his tongue sliding down my spine as his hands moved to my hips. I realized where this was going.

“LEO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T,” I shouted loudly as the front door opened and I heard foot steps up the stairs. Distracting me long enough for Leo to shove his tongue into my ass. Licking up the butter he had just put there as I felt my face turning red knowing it was Rich. That Rich was about to walk in on me bent over the kitchen table, his dad’s tongue buried in my asshole.

“Good afternoon Dad, John,” Dick said clearing his throat getting Leo’s attention.

“Hi pal want to join us?” Leo asked stopping for a minute.

“Huh no. I kind of wanted to eat until I walked in on this,” Dick answered.

“Are you going to say hello to Rich, John?” Leo asked moving so I could stand up which I did feeling like my whole body was flushed red with embarrassment.

I stood up not turning around because I was tired of people seeing me naked, “Hi Rich,” I responded.

“Hi, you aren’t going to turn around and say hi to my face? I mean you know I’ve already seen it right? I mean I’ve tasted it and it’s fucking amazing in every aspect. You don’t need to hide it from me.,” he said.

I felt my lips tremble as I tried to keep myself from making a sound, from crying. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to be able to see this. I didn’t want to hear him talk about me, about my body like that. 

“Come on baby be polite,” Leo said grabbing my forearm forcing me to turn around exposing myself to Rich’s gaze.

“Nothing beyond second base?” Rich asked looking at Leo as he started coming towards us. As I tried to pull away from Leo’s grasps. Pull back to put some space between Dick and me.

“Right,” Leo answered.

“You do know that second base is Oral right, Dad?” Dick asked Leo.

“Yes, I’m well aware of what is considered second base,” Leo answered.

“Awesome,” he said grabbing me by the hips as Leo let go of my arm.

“No,” I said shaking my head trying to detach Dick’s fingers from my hips bones, “No. Come on. This isn’t funny.”

“Who said I was being funny?” He asked that heavy lust filled look in his eyes.

“No come on,” I said shaking my head, “Don’t.”

“Why not? You’re here and you’re ready so, why shouldn’t I?” He asked me before forcing my neck to the side. His face pressing it into the crook of my shoulder before he laid a kiss there.

“No,” I said again trying harder to pull away.

“Dad he’s getting finicky,” Dick said to Leo.

“I see that,” Leo said, “Do just like I taught you. Get him under control.”

Dick reached down between us grabbed at my most intimate parts and squeezing lightly making me freeze. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want his mouth on me. Not ever in any way and I wasn’t getting a choice. My breathing picked up Dick’s mouth nibbling my ear lobe sending goose bumps across my skin.

“Are you going to play nice or would you rather be on your knees choking on my dick as I feed it to you?” He kissed into my ear.

“You want me on my knees? I’ll get on my knees,” I answered loudly.

“I think that might be too easy and I kind of like a little bit of a challenge,” Dick said, “Come to my bedroom with me.”

“Leo, you can’t be serious?” I said incredulously looking at Leo closely. Begging him with my eyes not to make me do this. I hated Dick. I hated him so much and had hardly any fear of him. At least until he had me semi alone with handcuffs. Then like any normal person I was terrified of him.

“Go on, have some fun. I mean personally I would prefer someone sucking my cock than having to suck someone’s but you’re a weird one baby,” Leo said.

“I don’t want to,” I said again trying to pull away. Trying to get out of Dick’s grip to which Dick only squeezed my hips harder as I felt his fingers digging into my skin.

“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head, “Ok let’s go to my room?” He asked.

I thought he was giving me a choice so I nodded my head Rich letting me go. I followed Leo into his bedroom his hand touching my cheek as he quit moving and I ended up in his arms. I saw him look behind me before I felt Rich’s hands go back to my hips from behind.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “You said your bedroom with you.”

“I didn’t say that. I said let’s go to my room. I meant all three of us,” Leo said, “It’s ok. Just relax it’ll be easier. We’ll have fun.”

“No,” I said shaking my head as Leo held me, pulling me into his chest. Trying to calm me down. “Please Leo. Please don’t make me do this. Please. I don’t want to please. The first chance I get alone I’ll kill myself. I swear to god I’ll kill myself. Please don’t make me do this,” I said nearly sobbing. I didn’t want to have sex with Rich or him and especially not together.

“Ok,” he whispered into my ear, “You don’t have to do if you do something for me though. Just one thing. Ride my cock, I want to watch you ride me baby ok?”

I swallowed not sure what he meant. I was 13. I didn’t understand the reference. I thought I did but wasn’t 100 percent sure what he was referring to.

“What do you mean? Like how do I…?” I trailed off.

“Well, I lay back and you climb into my lap and sit down facing me. Then instead of me moving in and out you move up and down ok?” He said loud enough for Dick to hear, “Rich, it’s ok. You’ll get another turn.”

“Come on you said I could play with him, have some time with him,” Rich answered pouting.

“He said he doesn’t want to and that he’s going to hurt himself if I make him. Do you want him to hurt himself and get thrown into the hospital? Because trust me you won’t be getting a lot alone time with him then. I can hardly get alone with him myself when that happens,” Leo said looking at Rich, “Another time I promise. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Ok,” Dick said leaving and closing the door behind him.

I sighed looking at Leo. I was still naked, his arms on my shoulders before he kissed me. His lips crashing into mine. I didn’t want to do this. I felt naked and scared and vulnerable this being something I had never done before. As he let me go and laid down on the bed gesturing for me to straddle his hips.

I tried to swallow the dry lump in my throat, “Leo I don’t know how to…”

He cut off my words, “It’s ok baby. I’ll help, it’s not a big deal. Just a different position. Scoot back just a little bit and hand me that tube on the nightstand ok?” He said which I did as he asked before he lubbed himself up generously, “Ok I’ll hold myself up. I just need you to sit down slowly when I tell you to. I should slide right in once we find the right angle ok baby?”

I nodded my head as he maneuvered his hand under me taking my hand and putting it on him as well until he found the right place, the right way to penetrate me and then I slowly lowered myself down gasping in surprise as I did so. It felt weird. The feeling of the gravity pulling me down impaling me. I didn’t like this at all. I liked this even less then I did in this position from behind. I didn’t like this at all. It felt wrong. Like me being on top was my way of saying it was ok when it wasn’t. The pressure always felt weird even if it didn’t hurt.

Leo smiled widely at me arching his back pushing his pelvis up into me making my eyes go big before I closed them trying to steady my breathing as he seemed to hit that spot directly without even trying. I didn’t like this one bit. This was horrible and I didn’t want it at all. I didn’t like this and there was no fucking way I was going to be the one bouncing up and down. I didn’t want this at all.

“I love this look. You riding my cock. This is where you belong baby, you should bounce for me. It’ll feel really fucking amazing,” He muttered.

“I-I don’t know how,” I stuttered feeling weird. The pressure enough to make me want to scream, his hands on my hips holding me in place.

“Fine,” he said somehow managing to move so he was on top of me without pulling out making me whimper as he pushed me into the bed and started rutting into me.

“Wait, wait wait, Leo stop it,” I begged getting ready to push at him as he grabbed my forearms pinning me into the bed.

“Relax, you said you would rather have me. So, you’re going to have me, baby. You feel so fucking good,” he said ramming into me harder. Hard enough that it hit something wrong. That it hurt.

“Leo, stop. You’re hurting,” I begged trying to find the best way to push him off. To push him away. His body pinning mine down, his body buried into mine to the hilt, “LEO PLEASE PLEASE STOP.”

“Hold on baby. I’m already so close,” he moaned leaning forward putting all his weight into me.

“LEO STOP GOD STOP,” I begged as the sharp stabbing pain started to subside leaving me with a dull throb inside as he started hitting against my prostate again making my toes start to curl as he pushed into me.

“God, you feel so fucking tight. You’re always so tight baby,” he muttered into my neck.

I felt something inside me snap. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was too tired, beyond tired. Beyond done. If I had the chance to die or to let him kill me I would have because I couldn’t have mustered the energy to do it myself at that point. All of my fight was gone.

I remember the motion making me feel sick as he pushed in and out still holding my arms down into the bed with a bruising grip. I remember my feet having trouble finding purchase on the bed to keep me from sliding around. When he was done I didn’t move. I felt so dead inside I just laid there. He kissed my cheek and got up going to the shower and turning on the water and still I didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t do anything. Every second felt like it didn’t matter but was hours at the same time.

When he came back into the bedroom I spread my legs again expecting him to want more and just giving up. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was too tired. I didn’t want to scream to tell him no just to have him ignore me. He had broken me.

“You don’t need to do that baby,” Leo cooed pulling me to him, “Let’s just cuddle, talk. Maybe nap huh?”

I flinched at his touch. I didn’t want to cuddle with him. I would prefer he didn’t touch me at all. I was tired of being touched and didn’t deserve it anyway. I was just a whore. I didn’t deserve to be comforted. I deserved to be used and filled with cum and then left to rot. I didn’t want him touching me.

“Stop please,” I asked finally cracking, just wanting him to stop. To no longer touch me. 

“Baby what’s wrong? I thought I made you feel good. Did I not?” He asked me quietly sitting up and looking at me.

“I just don’t want to cuddle is all. Please Leo? I’m really tired,” I barely whispered a reply.

“I figured you would be. That’s why we’re going to just cuddle. Maybe you should just lay there and let me…I don’t know…” he said to which I just shook my head trying to sit up before he pushed me back down biting into my neck, “God you’re so perfect.”

“Leo please?” I asked again.

I really didn’t want him to touch me anymore. I didn’t want anyone to touch me anymore. Usually if they said the words “just lay there” or “let me make you feel good” it meant they were going to make me have oral sex and that was something I really didn’t want.

I didn’t say anything as his kisses started trailing down my neck. As his hands started sliding up and down my rib cage. I kept my eyes closed my throat going dry. I was tired. My brain trying it’s hardest to shut down, to shut it out. His tongue traveled down my body as I exhaled slowly trying to make sure I didn’t push him away. I tried to remember to just breathe my air still catching as I felt his mouth go around me. I hated myself. I hated the fact that I got hard, that I responded. That I came for him.

When he was done he came back up kissing my cheeks, rubbing his thumbs across my cheeks slowly, “Why are you crying baby?”

“Huh,” I managed before shrugging my shoulders not wanting to have to talk to him anymore. Not wanting to think about him or us or it or anything.

He pulled me over onto his chest pushing my head up against his breast bone making it so I could hear his heart beat, “You’re ok. You’re so good to me. I love you, all right? Everything is ok John.”

I closed my eyes pretending it was Pat. Because I knew I couldn’t escape, that pushing away or trying to leave would make everything worse. Make him angry so he would hurt me or worse yet make him start up again. I just closed my eyes hoping that it would work. That I could pretend it was Patrick. Because I needed Patrick desperately and I knew I couldn’t have him there with me. That it was Saturday and I would briefly get to see him tomorrow morning if I was lucky but otherwise I was alone and I knew it.  
I tried to pretend it was him so hard but, the smell was so different. He didn’t smell anything like Patrick who smelled like tobacco and chocolate but instead smelled like some weird cologne and some type of cleaner. I hated that it had to be him. That I had to be touching him.

Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep only waking up when he moved to go to the bathroom or something startling me awake. I felt crazy for missing the warmth of a body even if it was his body. I felt ashamed for wanting to have someone near me when I knew I didn’t deserve it. I sighed sitting up looking around for him when I noticed a bottle of vodka sitting on the night stand near my head.

Just looking at it made my mouth water. Made me want to feel that burn. To know that burn. To know I was alive. That I wasn’t living in some hell. I thought that it I drank it and I was alive it meant that one day, even if it was only in death I wouldn’t be his anymore. That I might be free one day. That one day Pat and I could be together and it would be without all of the pain. Without people reaching inside of me and tearing me open, pulling pieces of me away at any chance they could.  
I sighed heavily before uncapping it. Before taking a small swig and swallowing it. Savoring the burn before I took a bigger one and then sighed putting the cap back on and setting it down beside me. That might have been the first drink I took that day but, it wouldn't be the last.

“Hey you’re awake?” Leo said quietly looking at me, “I called Dr. Palmer. He’s going to come take a look at your leg and see if you need stitches or not. Make sure you’re ok because you seem to be acting like you’re a little off today.”

I didn’t want to talk to him anymore so I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t care that Vic was coming as long as he didn’t touch me. I didn’t want to deal with anyone really besides Pat. Because Pat wouldn’t make me talk. He would be worried but he wouldn’t make me speak. I didn’t want to speak. I had nothing to really say to anyone. He had let Hank rape me, raped me twice and decided to torture me with sex toys. I was beyond done. I was tired and I felt like Leo hated me, like life hated me.

“I’m going to make some salmon for dinner. Rich is helping. It just got put in the oven and should be ready by the time Dr. Palmer comes around,” Leo said, “Are you ok?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I just wanted to honestly be left alone. I missed my family, my friends. I hated being locked in Leo’s bedroom like a fucking pet while he told me how perfect I was, how good I felt and tasted. I knew I should eat, that I was going to get scolded by Vic for not eating but I wasn’t hungry.

I rolled over pulling myself into a ball not bothering to answer him as he got dressed and left. I thought the whole thing was stupid. Why did Vic even need to be here? I’d been fine for a while. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I just wanted to go home.  
Vic knocked on the bedroom door after a while opening it up and smiling sadly at me like he didn’t expect me to be well, “Hey,” he said to which I waved, “What’s up?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“How are you feeling?” I shrugged my shoulders again and he sighed, “Come on, talk to me. I have to get your weight and see your leg. It might make you feel better.”

“There’s nothing to say. I’m a whore. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?” I hissed.

“That’s not true John. You know that’s not what you are,” Vic sighed.

“Then why do I…they don’t listen to me. I tell them no. That I don’t want to and they tell me that I have to because I…,” I felt that dry lump in my throat.

“Hey, you’re a young man going through puberty. They are saying that to make you feel guilty. I know all of their tricks remember? I was once right where you are right now. You can’t listen to them, you can’t believe them. Your body behaving like a healthy human body does. That does not in any way make you a whore John, ok? There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t want this. I can tell by looking at you, you don’t want this. Do people that want this cut themselves after someone does that to them? Do people who want this get sick to their stomach and throw up all their food or feel so upset they can’t eat? John, you don’t want this no matter what they say, no matter how your body reacts. It doesn’t matter what they think as long as you tell them no and make it clear this isn’t what you want. Everything else they say to you or do to you or make you feel is lies,” Vic said.

“If that’s true then why I do I think they’re right sometimes?” I asked.

“Because when someone tells you something often enough you start to believe it. Let me ask you a question, ok? I would like you to try to answer but, if you can’t that’s ok. What did Leo do you to this weekend? I’m only asking because sometimes you seem ok, like you’re getting to a point where you can cope. But then you just bottom out and you hurt yourself or you have a day where you can’t stop crying and you need someone to just be there with you while you work it out. Or you can’t eat anything. Tell me what’s going on ok?” Vic asked me.

I clamed up. I didn’t want to talk about that. Not about him and what they did. Sure, they didn’t do doubles or anything like that and I was beyond grateful for it. But having to deal with those fucking toys and then the feeling of Hank’s and Leo’s sick inside of me, it was something I didn’t want to think about or talk about. Not when there was nothing I could do to get the feeling off of my skin when the memory started coming back up. Not when I didn’t have him here to remind me I wasn’t disgusting, that I wasn’t some piece of shit or just a hole for people to stuff their dicks in.

“Vic, I…” I swallowed back the lump again and the stringing in my eyes, “Don’t.”

“What did they do? I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t,” he said to me.

“If I talk about it, it happened. I want it to not be real. I want it to go away so I don’t have to feel it anymore. If I talk about it I can feel it still and I can’t deal with that. Not right now,” I answered.

“Ok, I can understand why you don’t want to talk about it. Can I look at what you did to your leg? I know you don’t want me to touch you. Especially on your thighs or anywhere like that so just show me and I’ll take a close look at it. I won’t touch it unless I think I need to, all right?” Vic said softly to which I sighed and nodded my head.

I pulled my leg out from under the covers making sure I kept everything else that he didn’t need to see under the blankets and he looked at it. It looked red and angry but not open. More thin lines then I thought they would be, then I remembered them being when I made the cuts.

“They look like they might be a little deep but it’s been too long for stitches at this point. They don’t look red or inflamed. I’m going to touch it and see if it feels warm to the touch ok?” He said looking at me waiting for my response.

“Ok,” I answered.

His fingers hovered above my thigh before I felt his hand touch me making me jump. Making my heart feel like a caged bird was trying to escape my chest. I knew I was having a panic attack so I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through that horrible overwhelming feeling climbing through my skin, starting where he had touched me and moving up my spine. He pulled his hand away after probably half a second.

“Ok, it’s over. I’m done. No more,” he said, “Open your eyes. See? My hands are right here. No more touching.”

I opened my eyes to see both of his hands held out in front of him. It helped but only slightly. The act giving me reassurance that he wasn’t touching me anymore. I hated him touching me. I knew he had only rimmed me to save his own life but, everything about him still made me nervous. Still made it hard to think, made my chest flutter and made me want to pull away and curl up into a ball. I think he knew it too. That’s why he made sure I could see his hands. Why he asked if he could touch me.

“It doesn’t feel warm to the touch for now. I think you’re going to be ok however I would like it if you wouldn’t cut yourself anymore. I only ask one thing from you. You need to eat. I know you don’t feel like eating right now. I have no idea what happened yesterday but, I need you to eat. If you don’t, and I will know because I will be seeing you after school on Monday to get your weight and do some blood work, you’ll be going back on boost or getting a GI tube again ok?” 

“Ok. I’ll try. I just… sometimes my stomach doesn’t want food. And what’s the point? It only makes things messier,” I answered.

“You have to eat. You have to eat to live. To be strong,” he told me.

“Yeah well Da and Leo aren’t a fan of shit so…” I hissed.

“Well, next time they make you feel like they have problem with it tell them that maybe they should keep their dicks to themselves,” Vic answered me.

“Yeah, right,” I snorted.

“Well that got a small smile. But seriously, eat. You stop eating we’re going to end up pulling you out of school and you know you can’t be out of school and you know why,” Vic said.

“You mean Da? Yeah, I know. I’m not sure it matters but I know,” I answered.

“What do you mean? Has he been hurting you?” Vic asked.

I sighed. I didn’t want to answer. If no one had told him about Thursday I didn’t want to be the one. I hated those parties I hated thinking about them. It wasn’t fair that they made me do that. Not with Will, he didn’t deserve that and I didn’t want to think about what I had done to him.

“Since mum came home he’s been busy with her. Taking care of her,” I answered not wanting to discuss any of it.

“How is your mum doing?” He asked me.

“She seems fine. We’re not allowed to talk about anything. Any of that stuff because Leo and Da have her convinced it was all in her head. Some delusion she was having. I can’t even, I’m alone. Not that I’d tell anyone about it but. You know. They don’t let me really hang out with him still. I’m either at home or I’m here. Da and Leo are taking about recontracting me. It’d be a week here and then a week at home. I’d be stuck here. He doesn’t let me wear shirts usually. Did you know that?” I asked Vic not daring to look at him.

“No. No I didn’t,” Vic said.

“I just want something, some control. I want a say and everything is them. They decide, they lie, they ignore me, they force me and push and pull and grab and kiss and….”

“Ok. Ok, John you’re ok. John just breathe, breathe,” he said moving the pillows behind my head so that I was sitting up more.

I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. Because it was all true. I wasn’t allowed a say in anything. Even my choices were A or B choices and neither outcome was favorable. Leo basically told me because I would rather have sex with Hank than sound I needed to be punished because I should always choose him. Because I was his. Just like I was Da’s.

“I’m tired of not being a person,” I said after I had managed to stop crying.

“You are a person. You were never not a person John. They’re just sick men who hurt people,” Vic said, “I will talk to your mum and with time I think we’ll get her back. I know it must be hard having her right there but not having her,” Vic said.

“I’m more worried about everyone else. It used to be being with them I didn’t have to think about it. Da, all of this bullshit but now. It’s different now. Did you know Hank if paying my Da money for Mac?” I asked.

“No, what do you mean for him?” He asked me, “And I thought Mac was only like 2.”

“He’s giving Da money so that when Hank has it all paid whatever, amount it is they agreed on he can have sex with him,” I answered.

“Are you kidding me?” Vic asked his mouth falling open in shock.

“That’s what I heard. That’s what Da basically told me,” I answered.

“That’s not, nope. Ok, do you have any journals you’ve been keeping? Your brothers?” Vic asked.

“Will has been keeping his from what I understand. But I don’t and, huh the twins? I don’t know about. Mike might keep one but he’s kind of quiet about it. James isn’t a great writer yet I mean he’s better then he was because he’s seven but his spelling is still kind of off and I wouldn’t look at it anyway if he did keep one. Matt I’m not sure but Matt is screwed up,” I answered, “Why?”

“Ok, huh has Hank or anyone else given Mac any attention? Like spending time with him, playing with him?” Vic asked.

“Hank, has given him and Andy some toys. I once saw him and Uncle Ben with them in the pool. They just kind of I don’t know. I know what it is though. It’s trying to get them used to it. Da said he did the same thing to me. That he gave me lots of toys and attention. That he got me used to it until uncle Ben messed it up for him,” I answered.

“What do you mean?” He asked me.

“He said when I was really little he used to come into my room…at night and he’d… I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I said starting to feel choked up.

“Ok, we don’t have to talk about it,” Vic said to me, “So, no stitches ok? I’ll talk to Leo about the shirts because I know you probably feel a lot more comfortable covered but, I can’t make any promises that he’ll listen. I’ll see you on Monday after school ok?”

“Yeah thanks,” I said as Vic got up opening the door and then shutting it behind him.

They left me alone for a few minutes before Leo came back in looking at me carefully. He had this look on his face like he was mad at me. I didn’t know what to say or do so I looked at my lap pulling the blankets into my chest.

“So…he said no stitches. That’s good. I have a question however, why do you want a shirt?” He asked me.

“I…feel naked without one,” I answered.

“Well, that’s half the point you realize? I enjoy looking at you. You have a beautiful body,” He answered, “Is it wrong I want to see it?”

“I…,” I wasn’t sure what to say. If I told him no I felt like he would get pissed. If I said I didn’t want him to he’d get pissed. I didn’t want to be touched anymore and I knew he was going to touch me. It didn’t matter what I said but maybe if I just let it happen he wouldn’t be so angry.

“Well?” He asked me waiting for my answer.

“I-I’m sorry,” I barely muttered.

“Just tell me what’s wrong. What’s wrong with me wanting to see how beautiful you are?” He asked me again.

“I’m not beautiful,” I answered shaking my head.

“Yes, you are baby,” he said sliding his hand up my leg again, “Let me show you? Can I show you how beautiful you are?”

I closed my eyes as he laid on top of me his nose brushing against mine before he forced his tongue past my lips. He didn’t waste any time. No foreplay, not preparing me just did it. He called me names while telling me I was beautiful and perfect. Everything making me feel sick.

For some reason, I don’t remember the rest of that night or Sunday. I know I went to mass but it’s like it’s all gone. Almost like it never happened. I don’t even really remember the drive to school on Monday only stepping out of the car.

“Rabbit, hi…” Pat’s face fell, “What’s wrong?”

I shrugged my shoulders before I felt my lip start trembling. I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I couldn’t hide how gross I was. How bad they had made me feel. How I would never be normal. I hated everything and I just wanted time to stop.  
“Oh Rabbit, oh no honey,” Pat said frowning, “Come on. Come on, it’s ok.” He said grabbing my hand and leading me to our spot where he allowed me to wrap my arms around his neck and he held me, “What happened Rabbit? Talk to me huh?”

I hugged him tightly as he rubbed my head cooing into my ear, trying to calm me down. I knew I didn’t deserve it. Deserve his love, his comfort but I needed him so badly. After I had calmed down enough I pulled away looking at him.

“Thanks,” I said breaking physical contact.

“What’s wrong? Can you talk to me?” He asked me.

“I’m fine,” I answered.

“John, you are far from fine right now. I can see it in your eyes,” Pat replied.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.

“Hey,” Dom said walking up and then frowning as he saw the looks on our faces, “What’s going on?”

“Bad weekend,” Pat answered.

“How bad is bad?” Dom asked.

“They had a thanksgiving party,” Pat answered.

“Oh, shit and you guys were the party favors?” Dom asked to which Pat nodded.

“And then John is contracted on weekends. So, he had to go there and he’s just…he’s not doing well,” Pat answered and I shoot him a look.

“I’m fine,” I insisted. Not wanting to talk about anything that had happened.

“Pat can I talk to him alone?” Dom asked him.

“John are you ok with that?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I answered.

“Ok, I’ll see you in a little bit. I love you.” Pat said and walked away.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked Dom confused.

“He’s trying to help you. You know that, right?” Dom asked me.

“I know,” I answered, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Are you trying to protect him?” Dom asked me.

“From knowing what happened? Maybe? I don’t know,” I answered.

“You do realize he’s not going to be upset with you or anything like that. You know that. So, why keep it from him?” Dom asked.

“Because I can see it in his face every time he comes up. Pat blames himself for what he does and I can’t…I can’t deal with seeing that in his face. I can’t. I need him to not blame himself. To not break down because I am so fucking close to putting a bullet through my brain right now. So, if you don’t mind Dom I would rather just not talk about it with anyone,” I answered.

“You mean Hank? If you can talk to anyone about Hank it’s me. You know that,” Dom said his eyebrows knitting together in confusion and sympathy.

I sighed. He was right. Hank was a problem we shared. If anyone knew anything about Hank, about what he was like. It was Dom.

“Has Hank ever…you know…?” I asked not daring to look at his face.

“I’m not sure what you know is but, possibly,” Dom answered.

“I mean without …,” Dom stopped me.

“Once,” Dom said, “Like he put it on because someone was watching but once they left the room he said some stuff I don’t care to repeat and then he took it off and …you know. He did that to you?”

I nodded my head, “On Friday after the party. He kept saying stuff about it at the party. It’s not the first time he has. I just think it’s the first time he’s asked my Da to and Leo. He did it once before when my mum ran away with us and we were gone. He just did it. I hate it when they do that. Before that Da was the only one who had ever done that. And then afterwards there was Leo.”

“Pop and Dad never use one,” Dom said.

“I’m sorry,” I replied.

“I hate Hank,” Dom said shaking his head, “He’s awful. I think sometimes it’s because he’s so erratic. He’s never the same it seems like. Not even position. Not whether he’s going to bite or not, nothing about him is constant or something you can expect. At first you don’t know that though. At first, he seems pretty set but, no he’s different. He changes.”

“He’s been less violent lately,” I answered, “He’s not using toys as often or biting. He said it’s because L…Leo told him I respond better if they…”

“If they are gentle?” Dom asked, “Yeah Pop told him that once. He got bored of it after a while but I hated it. I almost killed myself for the first time during that.”

“I can’t talk to Pat about that,” I answered shaking my head, “I can’t make him feel guilty for that.”

“I think by not telling him about it that you’re going to worry him. I’m not saying you should tell him. Or that you have to but I think someone should point that out to you. There are a lot of things you don’t say to Pat. I haven’t said anything to him on purpose but you have to understand that sometimes things slip. I’m sorry if I have ever told him something he didn’t know about,” Dom told me.

“That’s ok. I don’t say a lot to you about it anyway so if I have I figured it would probably get out at some point,” I answered.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked barely above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Dom answered nodding his head.

“When Lou makes you…” I started feeling like I was choking.

“Take your time,” Dom said quietly closing his eyes and exhaling deeply.

“When he does the sounding thing, has he ever used one that moves?” I asked my whole body shaking with anxiety.

“A vibrating one? Yeah,” Dom answered looking at his feet, “Why?”

“Has he ever used a vibrator back there at the same time?” I asked and Dom hissed in pain at the thought.

“Nope,” Dom said looking at me again his eyes squinting, “That sounds painful. Like it would hurt after a while.”

“It hurts so bad,” I answered, “He left me there like that for what felt like hours. I couldn’t …it hurt so bad. It almost burned. That was after Hank. Because I said I didn’t want to do it.”

“Pop does stuff like that. He’ll give me a choice but not a real choice. I learned that trick really quick though. Only took like two times before I caught on. I was like six and he said I could do something with Dad or do something else with him and of course I chose Dad because Dad doesn’t use the toys and the whips he just likes sex. So, I chose Dad and did what he wanted and then Pop took me and did what he wanted to anyway,” Dom told me.

“I’m sorry,” I answered.

“Me too,” Dom said nodding his head, “It is hard to talk about this stuff with Pat because he’s Hank’s son or is it also because he’s your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know,” I lied.

I didn’t want him to know how disgusting I was. The things that they did to me when he wasn’t there. It made me feel dirty like the whore I was or, that I thought myself to be. He deserved someone better and I was afraid if he knew all of that stuff he would see it and then I would have no one. That he would realize how horrible and nasty I was and then I would be alone. At least with Dom I didn’t have to worry about that because Dom’s pop was very similar to my Da and to Leo.

So, he knew. He knew about the toys and the stuff they said because he heard it too just from different mouths. In different whispers, as different bodies laid over top of him and made him scream. Made him hate himself as much as I hated myself.

“Are you going to be ok today?” Dom asked me quietly.

“You’ll be there, right? And Pat. So yeah. I think so,” I answered.

“And if Father McClairen stares at you that one kid will make one of his comments and get him to stop. I still think it’s hilarious he doesn’t realize how much he is literally saving your ass,” Dom said shaking his head but smiling.

“Caesar?” I asked, “Yeah he’s doing it to be funny I think. It however it draws a lot of attention to it and it’s not attention I want.”

“John, you don’t want anyone’s attention,” Dom replied.

“That’s very true. Do you blame me though?” I asked him.

“No. I have to agree with you, I prefer the shadows. It makes it easier to disappear for a little while. I love how when I disappear for like a week none of you ever ask me where I was at so I don’t have to make up stupid excuses or tell you anything. You just act like it’s all normal,” Dom told me.

“Well, I know where you are when you’re not around usually so…no need to ask. I can guess for myself what happened too,” I answered.

“Well yeah. I mean you’ve gotten the shit beat out of you plenty too lately. Pat told me about that, what you did. Telling Ben no., I thought it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard of you doing,” Dom commented.

“Probably up there in my top five, yeah. It really sucked. However, the break it gave me was amazing. Not having a dick shoved up my ass every other night,” I answered.

“I’d be careful because that might hurt and make you hate yourself but it won’t kill you. Whereas a fist to the kidney if someone hits hard enough that just might,” Dom pointed out.

“I don’t know. Being dead might not be so bad. I just don’t care to try on my own again even though the urge hits often. I don’t want to try again because I’m afraid I’ll fail. Then I have to deal with Neal and I can’t deal with him again. I’d rather die than deal with Neal again,” I said.

“Yeah. No one wants to deal with him,” Dom said, “Adam is still trying to get past all of that. The hospital. He’s doing better though. Sam was his big tormenter there. Apparently, he did a lot of things to Adam but Adam was there for a while.”

“He mentioned he’d been there for a little bit but, he didn’t say how long,” I said, “How is he doing?”

“He says Dad is easier than dealing with the hospital or his last dad. So that’s good. He says it helps that there isn’t a little one in the house that he feels bad for. That it’s just him and me and he knows there’s nothing that goes on that I’m not used to. He doesn’t have as many questions anymore. I think he’s found his way around their personalities,” Dom said, “He’ll be coming to school after New year’s. They’re doing a rebranding on us both of us so that will be fun. Who knows, you might have to attend. It just depends.”

“Rebranding?” I asked confused.

“Well mine is faded and because he’s getting fake officially adopted his level is going up so his will change from a one to a two. So, they have to redo his and mine I got when I was like 8. Because they don’t brand anyone under the age of 8 and I’m now 14 so it’s time for them to refresh it. The last rebranding you go through is when you’re 18. If you need one that is. Yours probably won’t be faded enough for you to ever go through a rebrand but you’ll see plenty of the ceremonies for it,” Dom told me.

“That really sucks,” I answered.

“Yeah,” Dom said, “Considering it’s a marathon until your rose budding pretty much. But then they leave you alone for like a month. So that’s pretty nice. Otherwise at my house that doesn’t happen like I’ve said before.”

“Rose budding?” I asked very confused.

“It’s when they huh, too much anal sex it creates this pucker kind of, that’s really sore it actually really hurts. If they keep going after that happens you’ll prolapse meaning your insides come outside and that can take surgery to fix. So, if your rosebud they’ll give you a rest,” Dom answered.

“That sounds really gross,” I answered.

“It is. But it’s more painful then gross. As it heals, even after it doesn’t hurt anymore it still feels really really fucking weird. Like tender kind of. It’s not pleasant.”

“Yeah, what else is going on?” I asked trying to find a way to change the subject.

“Not much,” Dom answered, “I quit smoking.”

“You did? I mean I haven’t really been smoking lately either. I think we’ve all kind of slowed down,” I said.

“Do you think that means we’re all less stressed or more stressed?” Dom asked.

“More. Because usually it means we’re talking to each other less I think,” I answered, “Not that I get a lot of free time anyway but it is what it is,” I answered.

“Yeah, did the bell ring and we miss it?” Dom asked.

“I think so,” I answered, “Is it weird I don’t give a fuck?”

“No, I honestly don’t blame you for not being in a hurry to go to school. I mean it’s just math, right? Are we really missing anything?”

“Probably not,” I answered.

“Tomorrow we have an assembly about staying holy during the holy days,” Dom said laughing.

How on earth did you stay holy when someone was raping you up the ass? Homosexuality wasn’t exactly something the bible approved of. Even though I was pretty sure it didn’t approve of rape either. Swearing was out so were a lot of other things that happened in my life. How on earth is a teenager supposed to be anywhere near holy. Like what the hell?

“The look on your face man,” Dom said laughing harder, “You must be thinking too hard about how that would work.”

“I am,” I answered nodding my head.

“Well you want to skip it and stay out here or be late?” He asked me.

“Skip if that’s ok? You going to go in?” I asked him.

“Nah,” he answered, “I don’t know. I just feel like blowing shit off you know? I mean my break is going to suck ass might as well give it a reason to suck ass.”

“What’s vacation like for you?” I asked curious.

“Time at the Villa usually. Have to do whatever with whoever. I used to spend it high off my ass any chance I got. But my source has dried up so I either have to hope Chad is feeling friendly enough that if I blow him he’ll give me something nice or just deal with it,” Dom answered, “You?”

“Da throws parties. He threw one on Thursday. It was horrible,” I answered quietly.

“You want to talk about it?” Dom replied back.

I shrugged my shoulders before glancing up realizing he wasn’t looking at me before answering verbally, “I don’t know.”

“It’s going to be weird. Having sex with my brother,” Dom said suddenly.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Well they are adopting him even if it’s fake. So, that makes him my brother,” Dom answered, “I barely remember having one before. So, it will be a new experience.”

“Well, it’s weird. Having sex with your brother I mean. Because it’s not something you want to do but, you know you don’t really have a choice. It’s huh you don’t want to hurt them and then you feel guilty that you…well. Yeah.” I muttered unsure of myself and what I was trying to say.

“They’ve made you sleep with your brothers?” He asked me.

I felt my face flush, “Just one but, yeah. Like three times now.”

“I’m sorry,” Dom said.

“Last time was Thursday it was a huh, Pat and I and him.”

“Ouch. That must have been really weird. Getting done by your brother and your boyfriend at the same time,” Dom said his eyebrows raised.

“Well, my brother wasn’t doing me it was more…” I trailed off.

“Oh man. That’s just not fair,” Dom said, “Don’t they know how much you care about those kids? I mean I haven’t met most of them, but Cole and Pat talk about them all the time and how you basically take care of them.”

“Yeah I really don’t enjoy it. It was actually really embarrassing having to…you know. The worst part is no matter how much you don’t want to feel it, you do,” I said.

“It’s like that all the time for me. I try so hard to shut it out and I just can’t. It hurts but at the same time it doesn’t hurt. Like I’ve said before. A lot the time on the weekends if I’m not at the Villa Pop he won’t let me leave my bedroom, our bedroom. He won’t let me wear clothes. He …he’s not nice.” Dom said quietly.

“Leo makes me take my clothes off the moment I get in the door to his house. It always scares me. I don’t like being in a room with him or Da because what they want it’s written all over their faces. Their hands are always everywhere. It doesn’t matter what I do. I can scream until I can’t scream anymore and they’ll just keep going. At the parties, sometimes they blindfold me and then put these like headphones on so I can’t hear anything. Then they…I can’t tell whose hands are where, whose mouth is where. It makes me panic and I can’t hear them but I’m pretty sure they laugh. That it makes them happy. They make me feel so gross it doesn’t matter how many showers I could ever take. If Pat feels that way about it he doesn’t tell me. They said it’s because I’m good. Because everyone else fights,” I said.

“No, it’s something else. It has to be something else because I fight plenty and they don’t let up on me either. I mean I don’t have to deal with Leo and your Da but I still have to deal with Hank. I have to deal with Finick. It’s not anything you did or that you do, I don’t think. I mean I don’t exactly fight but I don’t just bend over and take it.”

“Why me though? Why us? He’s in love with me. My Da he’s told me that. And he shouldn’t be,” I admitted to Dom.

Those words were only something I had ever really said to my mum and Vic but not anyone else. Never anyone else. I didn’t know what to do about it. About his feelings for me or Leo’s feelings. I didn’t know how to process them. How to deal with the way they looked at me. The way they had sex with. The way they saw that in their minds, the wheels turning behind their eyes before they ever touched me.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Just make sure you keep making it clear to him you don’t feel that way about him,” Dom said.

“I do, I do and it doesn’t matter that’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter to them that I don’t…they want to cuddle with me and touch me and I can’t stand it. I can’t fucking stand it. If they would just have sex with me and then let me go it would be so much easier. But they don’t do that, they can’t do that and I don’t know why.”

“Because they’re sick. Because they want you to feel alone. Pop once told me that he’d never love anyone else the way he loves me. I just want to belong to myself sometimes you know?” Dom sighed.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head in agreement, “They don’t let you do anything. Not even wear clothes when you want to sometimes. If you don’t listen you know they’ll hurt you bad. They’ll make the lesson stick. Whether it’s throwing you to some asshole who is going to beat the snot out of you and make you bleed or go after someone else you care about. They make sure you remember you’re theirs.”

“Yeah,” Dom answered clearing his throat, “They tell me I’m brought and paid for all the time. Constantly.”

“When Da gets really mad he says he made my body and he’ll do what he wants with it,” I said, “Don’t tell anyone that please.”

“I won’t. It’s not true though you know? His DNA might have contributed to your existence but the way you take care of your body is what has made it what it is not him,” Dom said to me.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I honestly don’t know.”

“No man, don’t let them in your head. That’s how we end up in the fucking hospital under Neal or Sam or Gavin. Don’t think that way. Don’t listen to anything that they have to say. They want us to believe them so we’ll keep our mouths shut. So, we’ll think we’re stuck,” Dom insisted.

“Aren’t we stuck though? I mean it’s not like there’s anyone we can tell that would stop it. It’s not like we can get them to stop. You said so yourself. I think the only way out of this is to die or run away and like totally lose our identities,” I said.

“Yeah let’s just run away. I’ll become big D and you can be little J,” Dom said snorting with laughter.

“Yeah sure. That would never work,” I said.

“Yeah but it would make everyone ask what little J meant and where you got the nickname,” Dom said, “Little Jesus.”

“Yeah because I’m so Latin no one would question that.” I smirked.

“Dude you totally look like you could be Latino that red hair and those green eyes with that pale skin and freckles. No one would think anything of it,” he teased.

“They would probably think big D meant big dick,” I said as Dom burst out laughing.

“Yeah and then if they ever managed to catch a look they would be so surprised the only thing big about me is the amount of fat on my body,” Dom said shaking his head.

“Dom you’re like stick thin,” I said shaking my head.

“Me? What about you?” Dom asked me, “You like never eat anything ever.”

“That’s not true. I eat I just…my stomach is upset a lot. My stomach isn’t concave though,” I answered.

“Yeah it kind of is,” Dom replied.

“Not as bad as yours,” I said.

“Really? Let’s see then,” Dom stood up and untucked his shirt pulling that and his undershirt up exposing his belly as he looked at it and I did the same comparing our two stomachs.

They were a pretty close match. I was just slightly taller than Dom was. They both looked like they lacked the fat they badly needed. Our hip bones poking forward past our stomachs which were hallowed out. The top of our rib cages bulging out again our ribs countable. We were both sick.

“We look horrible,” I said.

“Yes,” Dom agreed, “However when you’re throwing up everything you eat because you have so much anxiety your stomach is beyond upset you wouldn’t exactly look good.”

“Yeah,” I nodded in agreement, “I have a question for you.”

“What?” He asked me.

“When we were in the hospital Adam told me, Josh thought you had a crush on me. Is that true, did you? Or do you?” I asked him.

“Huh,” Dom sighed running a hand through his hair, “It doesn’t matter, right? I mean you’re with Patrick so it’s a whatever, right? That and you know I’d never hurt you. Never threaten to hurt you or even think about it.”

“I know. I’m just curious,” I told Dom, “Because you know I’m not gay, right? That it’s just…I don’t know he’s different. He’s not like anyone else.”

“Yeah I get that. I’m pretty sure I’m not gay either. It’s just like you said and if I could picture myself with any guy willingly it would probably be you. That doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you. Just that maybe I’ve had a dream or two. By the way when you’re naked around me I try to make sure I don’t look,” Dom said.

“I don’t look either. Cole was actually scandalized by that. I asked him what his level was and he was like “how many times have you seen me naked and you don’t know? I was like dude, I’m usually kind of busy,” I said laughing lightly.

“It’s weird how often we all see each other naked and don’t think about it at all,” Dom commented, “Not that we have a lot of time to think when we are naked together.”

“Just breathe. That’s what I’m usually thinking. Just breathe.”

“Mine is, it can’t last forever,” Dom said before we grew quiet sitting there in silence.

I thought about that. How we each probably had a mantra we repeated in our head while it was happening. Something to try and keep us calm because in certain situations we had to be. At the Villa, you got caught saying no by the wrong person you got in big trouble. With my Da you said no you got hit or choked. With Leo, he loved hearing no but you trying to push him away was bad news. So, staying calm was very important.

“After the party Leo took me home with him. I spend the weekend with him. Every weekend. I spend every weekend with him. He raped me. He always rapes me. He asked me if I would rather sound or be with Hank. I chose Hank so he called him over. Leo held my arms down while Hank…then he was mad and he said that I should always choose him over anyone else. Always and he shoved a vibrator up my ass and then a vibrating sound up there and he left me there chained up. He, he didn’t want to stop. Even after he pulled it out he wasn’t done. He’s always touching me. That’s why you don’t see me on the weekends anymore. Because I’m with him. He told Dick that he could go to second base with me if he wanted to. And then asked me who I would rather spend time with. I chose him. Of course, I would though. I would have been stupid not to because he would have just done it anyway after Dick was done with me.”

Dom sat there with me silent for a couple of minutes before he spoke, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. Especially after that party if it’s anything like being at the Villa.”

“Sometimes it’s worse,” I answered not able to look Dom in the face, “A lot of group stuff happens. That and usually my brothers are down there and I know it. Even if I don’t see or hear anything. Will worries me. Every time I’m with him. He says that he doesn’t blame me. That he knows I don’t want to but, he just seems so detached. Like he’s not even really there. They made me climb on top of him and before I could protest he started kissing and biting my neck. He just, seems like it’s not him. Like he’s not there and yet he’s …”

“It sounds like he might just be checking out. Just doing it because he has to. Because he knows if he doesn’t it would be worse,” Dom answered me, “Because he likes it just about as much as you do. He can’t say no. Just like you can’t say no. So maybe that’s just his way of dealing with it.”

“He’s usually so opinionated and blunt and when we’re there he just…he’s not him. That scares me. I don’t want to hurt him like that and I don’t know how to…” Dom cut me off.

“You aren’t hurting him because you want to. They are making you. I’ve heard stories ok? I’ve heard bad stories where someone has refused and they have blown the other persons brains out. It’s very serious to say no to that. If you love your brother you do it. Trust me. You don’t ever say no to them. Not like that. You know how lucky Pat is that when he says no he just gets a beating? Don’t ever say no to them. Not unless you want to be wearing your brother’s brains on your face ok?” Dom warned me his voice hard, serious, scary.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Ok I understand.”

“Sorry just…I’ve seen bad things happen all right? They do it almost like they do to boyfriends only they just shoot them. Maybe because there’s not any sexual relationship going on I guess but it’s bad. If he says he doesn’t blame you go with that and try not to blame yourself. Because honestly, you’re just doing it to make sure you both make it out of that room,” Dom insisted.

We heard the bell ring from inside and Dom sighed, “We should get ready for class. If we don’t huh, if you want to skip the rest of the day we can.”

“No, I can’t. I can’t ever do that again Leo will find out and then bad things will happen,” I answered starting to walk towards the front door Dom following me.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Are you ready to deal with Finick?”

“Never,” I answered, “You?”

“As long as he doesn’t put on a video and grind up on me I’m ok with him today,” Dom said as we opened the door and walked into the building hurrying to class.

We got to the hallway and noticed Pat who smiled at us, waving. He seemed like he was still worried. Like he wasn’t sure whether I was ok or not until I walked up to him and smiled.

“You ready for this?” Pat asked me.

“Finick you mean? Huh, as ready as I’ll ever be to be groped with the lights out since all he does is show videos this year,” I answered.

“Wait until we do biology. I think we start with plants and then work our way up the chain to where we discuss reproduction,” Pat said, “You missed the last of the weather circuit. So that was fun.”

“I really don’t want to discuss reproduction or anything related to sex in a room with that man,” I said.

“Yeah, I can’t really blame you,” Pat said, “But doesn’t Tosh sit right next to you or like behind you?”

“Yeah but you sit on the other side of the room where everyone else has their attention. It would have been a lot more helpful if he would allow you to sit next to me. I’d feel a lot more comfortable,” I said.

“Yeah but that’s exactly why he didn’t sit us together. Just tell Tosh what’s up. That Finick has a thing with you and maybe he’ll keep his hands to himself if Tosh is watching and calls him out on it,” Pat said.

“Doubt it but, ok,” I said nodding my head.

Sure, enough when we got there we were watching a video on the life cycle of the dandelion. I flipped the lights and sat down next to Tosh. My whole-body tense, waiting for him to come up behind me at some point. He did and I felt him breathing on my neck making me feel hot.

“Relax,” he whispered into my ear. His one hand on my shoulder while his other hand landed on my hip making me bite my lip.

Tosh purposefully glanced over at me clearing his throat startling Finick behind me, making him back away, “Can I see your notes I’m falling behind?” He asked me to grab my paper, “Are you ok?”

I exhaled and then nodded my head, “Thanks.”

“You looked like you were about to faint,” Tosh said, “Was he…you know?”

“Huh, he was going to,” I answered back in the same hushed tone Tosh was using.

“In Japan that would not be ok,” he said quietly.

“Yeah in most places it’s not. it’s not ok here. That’s why he does it with the lights off,” answered. 

“There is something wrong with him yes?” Tosh asked me.

“There is something wrong with all of them I’m pretty sure,” I agreed.

“Quiet down and take your notes,” Fr. Finick said somewhere behind me.

I sighed feeling like the class would never be over waiting to feel his hands on me. I sighed when the lights came on relieved that he was done. That he hadn’t tried to grab me again. I couldn’t deal with him. I couldn’t. I rushed ahead to my next class Pat by my side.

That class hour we talked about slavery. Somehow, I managed to tune out most of the conversation until I heard someone say the word rape, then I felt my heart start pounding against my rib cage and asked to go use the bathroom. I didn’t want to think about that. Not ever. I hated thinking of myself as a victim but rape was a word Vic made sure he used even if I wouldn’t use it myself. Because that’s what it was every time they did that to me. It was rape.

I had just finished using the bathroom and was splashing cold water on my face and washing my hands when I heard the bathroom door open. I looked in the mirror to see both Chad and Dick staring at me. I felt my heart stop because they were blocking the door. This wasn’t good. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Were they going to corner me like they seemed to corner Dom? No one else was here so would they ever care if I was a five? I had no idea what was going to happen and I exhaled deeply.

“Scared?” Chad sneered.

“No,” I lied shaking my head.

“Think maybe you should be?” Chad teased coming forward causing my eyes to dart around the room looking for an escape which he saw, “I wouldn’t even think about it if I were you. That will just make it worse won’t it Rich?”

“I didn’t get my second base. So yeah, it would. You can be nice or you can fight. It’s up to you. Just think about it quickly,” Dick taunted.

“Don’t,” I said folding my arms across my chest feeling dizzy and sick.

“Why shouldn’t we?” Chad asked me, “No one is here. And who would you tell? You’d get into just as much trouble as we would. So, if you’re smart you’ll keep your mouth shut unless we tell you to open it.”

“Come on. You don’t want me,” I said shaking my head somehow managing to keep voice steady, “Aren’t you supposed to be straight outside in the real world anyway?”

“A mouth is a mouth kid. On your knees,” Chad hissed.

No. I wasn’t doing this. No fucking way.

“What if someone walks in?” I asked.

“One of us is look out,” Dick answered, “Just stands outside the bathroom. Makes sure no one comes in. Saves us some embarrassment.”

“Yeah, save you some embarrassment,” I huffed, “No. just no.”

“Really is that what your answer is? I can take it from your ass if you really want me to. I prefer your mouth though. Are you sure your answer is still no?” Chad asked me.

“I’m a five. I’m untouchable,” I answered quietly.

“No right now you aren’t. If they find out you had sex with someone without permission it doesn’t matter what happens. It’s your word against ours. We’d all be in trouble. So, if I were you, like I said. I’d make the smart decision. You want to be able to sit back down when you go to class right?” Chad asked again.

“I’ll fight you,” I said trying to straighten myself up trying to make myself look taller.

“Chad, can you go look out for a second? I’ll talk to him,” Dick told Chad.

“Yeah sure, whatever man,” he said.

Chad opened up the bathroom door and probably leaned against it trying to look causal as Dick came closer to me abruptly closing the gap between us. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. This was going to be when he said those things. When I couldn’t stand being in my own skin. When he touched me.

“Just do it,” Dick told me.

“Why don’t you just do it? You want someone to suck your dick so bad?” I hissed surprising myself, “Just do each other. Like who would I tell?”

“Hey, calm down all right,” Dick warned me, “You think I’d let him fuck you just like that? You might be my Dad’s but that makes you kind of mine too you know?”

He reached out to touch my cheek and I slapped his hand away, “I’m not yours. I don’t belong to anyone but myself.”

“That’s not true and you know it baby,” Dick said, “All you have to do is close your eyes ok? I’ll make sure you don’t have to really do anything but stand there for me all right?”

“No. No I like that even less then him shoving his dick in my mouth. No fucking way,” I said shaking my head as his patience wore thin. He pushed me hard, slamming my back into the sink behind me causing me to bounce off it and hit his chest before I fell to the ground. As he grabbed me.

“Relax,” he said kissing into my neck, “I won’t hurt you.”

“Stop. No stop. STOP!” I screamed trying to push him away but he was just too strong. His arms holding me in place.

I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I refused to cry in front of him but I wasn’t just going to let him do it either. I twisted and turned before I kicked his shin as hard as I could. It was like he hardly even responded. Like he was made of rock. I struggled as his bit into my neck somehow managing to mess with the top buttons of my button up and loosen my tie.

“Don’t! I don’t want to, stop!” I kept begging as he kept pulling at my clothes grinding his body into mine. I felt like I should have been able to fight him off. To get him to stop and nothing I was doing was helping me any. Just like with Uncle Ben or Da. It didn’t matter how hard I fought. I had resided myself to it happening when I heard a commotion outside the bathroom and someone shoved their way past Chad.

Before I could say anything, Tosh had punched Dick upside the head stopping his hands dead getting him to let go of me and then he started screaming at him. I still have no idea what the fuck he said, all of it being in Japanese as he kicked Dick repeatedly and then Pat and Dom and Cole stormed into the bathroom.

“Oh my god Rabbit,” Pat said as I threw myself into his arms burying my head into his chest, “You’re ok. You’re ok I’m right here, you’re ok.”

“Fuck,” Dom swore under his breath, “They didn’t, did they?”

I shook my head not sure if he could see which I heard Pat whisper, “He just shook his head no.”

“Thank god,” Dom said, “It would have been bad if they had. Trust me.”

“What does that mean?” Cole said I could hear the curiosity in his voice.

“When I was 11 Chad and a couple of other brotherhood guys they huh cornered me in a bathroom. Let’s just say it hurt and I got beat up. Then I got send home and beat up again and just yeah, not a good experience,” Dom said clearing his throat as he ended a blush breaking out over his entire face.

“Sorry,” Cole said, “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to tell us. I was just…”

“Yeah no, I know there’s just. Everyone tells me I’m quiet and I don’t mean to be. I just it’s hard. So, I thought I’d try it. Sharing something,” Dom answered, “I thought maybe it would help.”

“They were going to rape me,” I whispered in Pat’s ear.

“I know. You’re ok though Rabbit. You’re ok,” Pat told me kissing my temple.

“Fucking bitches,” Tosh spat after chasing them from the bathroom, “Why are all white men evil?”

“I’m not evil and I’m pretty white baby,” Cole said smiling.

“Besides you guys,” he added.

“They aren’t. I don’t think. I think we just have bad luck in knowing people?” Dom said shrugging his shoulders, “I mean your Dad can’t be a good guy really.”

“No,” Tosh shook his head, “But at home he was an only one. Not like here.”

“Well, our fathers just happen to have found a group of people who all think the same horrible shit,” Dom said his eyebrows raising.

“Guys can we not talk about Dad’s just now,” Pat said still holding me. My face still buried in his chest, “Are you going to be ok to go to class? The bell is about to ring.”

“I can’t,” I answered, “I can’t right now. Not with that. Not like this. I can’t.”

“Ok, ok calm. You’re safe,” Pat told me, “I’ll stay with you. We’ll stay here if you want. Or go to the library or something.”

“He got really close, didn’t he?” Dom asked and I could hear the unsteadiness in his voice.

“Dom, I don’t think…” Pat started.

“Yes,” I cut Pat off, “Yeah. It scared me more than anything but yeah.”

“Sorry,” Dom replied, “You want me to stay with you for a while, you and Pat or would you rather just be alone?”

“You can stay,” I answered.

“Do you want me to though?” Dom asked, “I’m not going to stay if you don’t want me to.”

“Stay, please,” I answered looking up over Pat’s shoulder.

“Ok,” Dom nodded his head.

“I’m going to go back to class,” Cole said just as the bell rang.

“Thank you, Tosh,” I said.

“No problem. That was not cool,” Tosh answered, “I’m going to go with Cole. See you at lunch?”

“Yeah, thanks,” I answered.

“Yes, thank you Tosh. I have a question; how did you know something was wrong?” Pat asked.

“He left and then it took too long in my opinion. Something just didn’t seem right,” Tosh answered, slapping Pat on the shoulder lightly and leaving the bathroom as Cole held the door open for him.

“You guys have McClairen now right?” Dom asked me.

“Gus? Yeah,” Pat answered, “I’m not bringing him to class after that. Gus can be a real asshole.”

“Why do you call him Gus? Oh! Never mind, I know,” Dom said, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault,” Pat said, “Let’s sit down.”

Dom nodded his head as Pat made me let go of him briefly so he could pull is blazer off for us to sit on as Dom did the same to his before I buried my head in his chest again. His heart beat the only thing that was keeping me calm. I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Not after Dick doing that to me. Trying to undress me like that. I felt sick and scared. Panicked like I shouldn’t be there but I was trapped.

“Huh your fly is undone John,” Dom said as I went to go sit down.

“Sorry,” I said quietly blushing and doing up my fly.

“It’s ok. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something you did,” Dom said making me bury my head farther into Pat’s chest as I sat down next to him, “Hey I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry, ok?”

“I know you didn’t I just…I’m trying so hard to not…fall apart and I can’t. If they keep doing this. I feel like I’m going crazy,” I said.

“I know,” Dom said, “I get it. You know what I do? Besides drugs, I sing and listen to music in my room. It helps sometimes. Sometimes there are different songs that really explain how I’m feeling. Like show me the meaning of being lonely, just like stupid sad songs. Freak on a leash, the speed of pain, I want to disappear, I don’t like the drugs. I don’t know. I listen to a lot of music.”

“I don’t ever have any time for that,” I answered back, “I’m always with someone so I doubt they would let me listen to music. At least music I might want to listen to.”

“Just chill Rabbit ok? Just try to be calm. God, you’re shaking all over,” Pat said rubbing my back as I stayed where I was closing my eyes, breathing him in. They continued talking in hushed voices and I began to doze.

“Speaking of chatting what do you and he talk about anyway?” I heard Pat asks, “I’m not trying to be nosy. It’s just I worry about what he doesn’t tell me.”

“I think that’s something you should ask him,” Dom replied, “Not to be mean just like there’s stuff that I tell him that I wouldn’t want him talking about so…”

“Your Dad mostly,” I answered from where my head was resting against his chest my eyes still closed.

“I didn’t realize you were still awake,” Pat said rubbing my head.

“Yeah just barely,” I answered.

“You can talk about him with me you know. I used to be his favorite target once upon a time,” Pat said.

“Pat it’s not that we don’t think you’ll understand. It’s just that there are certain things you tell a friend that you wouldn’t tell your boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever he has to say about your Dad would upset you, get you angry at him and that would get you into trouble at home. You’re not exactly known for keeping your temper in check. So, we’re protecting you, keeping you out of trouble you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself out of,” Dom answered.

“That’s my business,” Pat said, “Not to be mean. That and Dad isn’t interested in me anymore. He’s too busy with other things. In fact, I think his range has changed.”

“Changed how?” I heard Dom voice hitch.

“You know I hack his emails, right?” Pat asked Dom to which I’m sure Dom nodded his head because I didn’t hear a reply, “He said he thinks he’s non-age selective. That means anyone underage that doesn’t look adult is pretty much what he’s interested in.”

“No,” Dom said shaking his head, “He can’t do that. I’m almost out he can’t.”

“Apparently, he is,” Pat said as I shivered against his side, “I know it’s not fair guys. I’m sorry. If I could stop him I would.”

“I can’t deal with him on top of everyone else, fuck,” Dom said.

“Everyone else?” Pat asked.

“My dad’s. I mean Dad is more interested in Adam but that leaves me with Pop and Pop is hard to deal with,” Dom said.

“You guys are always vague like I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why is that?” Pat asked.

“I don’t want you to find me disgusting,” I admitted before Dom could open his mouth.

“I could never find anything about you disgusting Rabbit. What they do to you doesn’t make you disgusting, it makes them disgusting ok? I know you don’t want to do the things they do to you, whatever it is. Thursday was intense for everyone but that wasn’t enough for Leo, was it? That’s why you’re like this today? And what? He promised Dick he could do stuff to you and Dick didn’t get his chance so he was trying to take it? Is that what happened? Is that why we’re sitting in this bathroom so you can catch your breath because Dick can’t keep his hands to himself? Because Daddy promised him something he had no right to promise? That makes them sick and disgusting not you,” Pat answered me.

“They do bad things to us Pat. Leo introduced Pop to sounding. I don’t know if you know what that is but most of the guys in the brotherhood don’t. And it doesn’t happen that often, but it’s very…it’s not nice,” Dom answered.

“Vic told me what that was. It sounds scary,” Pat said.

“It’s weird,” Dom said, “It’s like someone taking a dildo that’s a little bit too big for your ass and shoving it in for the first time. Only it’s like that just about every time. It stings and gives you those sick tingles and it hurts to go the bathroom for days after it happens. It’s not nice at all.”

“I’m sorry you guys have to go through that,” Pat said, “My Dad is into some sick shit but he doesn’t do that as far as I know.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I told Pat.

“Right he’ll just shove one up your ass instead. A vibrator I mean. Your Dad is cruel sometimes. He bites, he scratches. He likes hanging you from things and strapping you down to things. He once strapped me down by my neck and…” Dom stopped speaking.

“Hey Rabbit it’s ok, you’re ok,” Pat said as I felt a third hand touching my back gently.

“He did that,” I said after a minute, “I couldn’t see anything he was doing. I knew it was him. I did, but not being able to see it. I hate not being able to see them. Because if I can see them I can tell what they are thinking almost and when I can’t…”

“I know Rabbit,” Pat soothed, “I know.”

“Yeah,” Dom said, “I hate not being able to see them.”

“They’ve never done that to me. The blindfold and headphones thing. I hope they never do but, it’s one of those things, right? I guess it’s sort of like how most people haven’t been made to wear their mothers dress while their Dad fucks them when their 10,” Pat said chuckling a little and then his face falling his eyes staring at nothing.

“You ok?” Dom asked and I could hear the seriousness in his voice.

“Yeah just, I don’t know. I haven’t ever told anyone that,” Pat said clearing his throat.

“Something I have never told anyone if you want to hear I can…” Dom said.

“You don’t have to. You’ve already told us plenty today I think. You too John. I just figured I’d give you guys some of my truths. I mean you guys hear me talk about the regular stuff that happens to all of us but never really anything private like that,” Pat said.

“I would ask why but let’s be honest. There really isn’t any reason why other then he wanted to,” Dom said, “I won’t tell anyone.”

“I know you won’t,” Pat said, “And I know Rabbit won’t. You two tell each other more than you tell anyone else so I figured I’d share one of my secrets. Not that I’m expecting any back.”

“You want a secret?” Dom asked smiling at Pat.

“If you want to give me one,” Pat shrugged his shoulders trying to seem casual.

“I’m talking to this guy online. He seems nice. I haven’t told him about like this. Obviously. I mean who would tell anyone about that? But, I’m thinking of meeting up with him,” Dom said.

“I’d be careful with that,” I said, “A lot of those type of guys hang out online. I started talking to one and hadn’t realized he’d seen my video before until he showed up at his house. He made me bleed. That’s because I skipped school. It hurt almost as bad as doubles,” I said.

“So that’s what you meant when you said you couldn’t skip like that again?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head.

“I’m Leo’s until I’m home from school on Monday. Anything I do between the time I leave for his house and the time I go home I’m his. So, he gets to pick what he does to punish me. That guy. Apparently, he saw a video or something and he liked it. So, he decided to hurt me. That he wanted to,” I said, “So just be careful when meeting people you know from online ok?”

The bell rang announcing lunch and I sighed back into Pat’s chest. I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to stay in that bathroom forever as long as Dick never came back, as long as Chad never came back.

“Are you two hungry?” Pat asked looking at us, “Because you’re eating, both of you. Let’s go.” He said pushing on my shoulder lightly making me get up before he got up off the floor.

“Yeah sure,” Dom said.

“Will has that class today. I think we should stop by the library and check on him since Wallace didn’t seem to take anything I said seriously last time,” I said.

“You told me that you didn’t think he was serious about anything he said. Now you’re telling me you weren’t sure?” Pat asked me.

“I just want to make sure everything is ok,” I answered.

“Ok well we can go check on Will make sure everything is ok. Do you know any of his friends in case we don’t see him that we can ask to make sure he’s been all right?” Pat asked me.

“I’m not really…” Dom cut me off.

“I think Todd is in a class with him,” Dom answered, “I know Todd. He’ll talk to me if he sees me.”

“Who is Todd?” I asked confused. 

“Todd McQueen Dark brown hair, light blue eyes, freckles. Surprisingly wears glasses around his neck for reading,” Dom answered.

“How do you know him?” I asked.

“I just do,” Dom said. The look on his face saying please don’t ask again so I nodded my head in respect.

We headed to the library and I managed to just spot the back of Wallace’s head as he stepped into the bathroom near the library and I sighed feeling my heart rate quicken, “Hey, Pat can you go check the library for him and see if he’s in there? I just saw Wallace head to the bathroom so I’m going to make sure Wallace wasn’t following him.”

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Be careful, all right?”

“Yeah,” I agreed walking down the hall slowly and opening the bathroom door. I figured I had to piss anyway so it was a good excuse as any but was holding my breath expecting to see something bad. My little brother wasn’t in there and I sighed in relief going over to the urinal farthest away from Wallace and whipping it out allowing myself to pee.

“Hi,” Wallace said noticing me, “Making sure I’m keeping my thoughts to myself?”

“Something like that,” I said finishing up, “Are you?”

“You would have heard if I wasn’t I’m sure. I don’t want to scare him just…feel him,” Wallace answered.

I shuddered at the thought of anyone touching my little brother, “Yeah well as long as you keep your hands to yourself.”

“I will big bro don’t worry,” he said, “At least with him. If you ever want to give something a try let me know.” He zipped up his fly walking past me and washing his hands.

“I don’t need to try anything to let you know I’m not interested,” I said.

“Really because Rich says…” I cut off his sentence.

“Rich doesn’t know anything about me,” I said.

“That’s not what I heard. He keeps bragging that your Daddy’s contract and Daddy has no problem sharing. Is that true?” Wallace asked me as he scrubbed his hands with the soap the suds foaming as the water splashed hard against the porcelain sink.

“No, it’s not true,” I lied.

I didn’t want to admit that Leo had basically given a Dick a free for all. That whenever Dick asked I was supposed to let him do whatever he wanted. That of course he needed to run it by Leo before he approached me but, I was supposed to submit. I didn’t want him to know because I didn’t want Dick getting ideas that he could tell his friends they could do things to me too.

“I think Rich is an asshole by the way. Just wanted to know if the rumor was true,” Wallace said.

“Why do you hang out with him and his friends then?” I asked.

“Honestly? We’re seniors. Brotherhood seniors are like 10 of us. Out of that three of us are recruits huh, Chad and Rich are assholes. They are into hurt core. I’m not that person. But, like you said bottoms won’t accept me. I don’t believe in forcing people but I don’t like being threatened. If I wanted to force Will I could and there would be nothing you or him could do to stop me. I want you to understand that. I’m not asking to harass him. I’m asking so that he’s aware of my feelings for him.”

“Well he’s aware of your feeling and he doesn’t reciprocate,” I replied.

“Yes, I understand that. I can accept his reluctance but I won’t give up,” Wallace answered, “But I have backed off ok?”

“Fine, but if he says you said one thing to him to make him uncomfortable I swear to god…” He cut me off.

“I get it,” Wallace answered, “I can respect that.”

“And you aren’t interested in hurting me at all?” I asked to make sure.

“Not really no, I’m not interested in hurting anyone. But like I said before I don’t like being threatened. Anything else I say especially if it’s in front of them it’s just to keep my rep. My Dad raised me differently from most guys in the brotherhood. He emphasized trying to get consent. I know that’s something that a lot of guys don’t care about but I happen to,” Wallace said.

“I wish they did,” I said quietly, “I can be fine with you as long as you stop ok? Not friends but, I won’t hate you.”

“Ok. I’ve heard stuff about your Dad and he doesn’t seem so bad,” Wallace commented drying his hands with paper towel.

“You have no idea what my Da is like,” I said, “Don’t assume you do please.”

“He seems like a nice guy for the most part. At the Villa I mean,” Wallace said, “Compared to most of the guys that go there anyway.”

“He’s not,” I snapped, “Don’t let him fool you. He is anything but a nice guy. If you asked Will he would tell you.”

“I have but he won’t talk about it,” Wallace said.

“So, we have an understanding then? You’re going to stay stopped and just let it go, right?” I asked.

“No, I’m still going to let him know. Just maybe not so forcefully,” Wallace answered, “I’ll try and be a little subtler.”

“Fine, fair enough,” I said, “I’m off.”

I washed and dried my hands leaving the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach but was thankful he was backing off. Consent? An 11-year-old can’t consent to dip fucking shit. And my Da seemed like a good guy? My Da was a horrible person.  
I walked out of the bathroom to find Will talking with Pat and Dom who seemed slightly nervous. I could tell by watching the way he kept shifting his weight from foot to foot and looking around to see if anyone was watching him. I didn’t know why he was nervous but, it was pretty obvious he was.

“Hey so we’re going to lunch?” I asked coming up.

“Yes, and you two are going to eat some food,” Pat announced, “Take care. I’ll see you later when you get home ok Will?”

“Yeah, see you Pat, John.” Will said going back towards the library.

“So?” Pat asked me.

“He said he believes in consent,” I muttered quietly.

“Oh, he’s one of those?” Dom asked raising an eyebrow.

“That’s like a thing?” I asked.

“In some groups, yeah. Nambla, it’s huh just as weird in my opinion but they screw with your head a bit more. Pop knows a couple of them. He claims to be one but he really isn’t,” Dom said as we joined the throng of students. Oddly enough Dom and I both picked cobb salads but we both ate all of it laughing and joking around.

“I had Delia ask me what boy band I liked better backstreet boys or nsync. Do I look like I listen to boybands?” Cole asked the table.

“Yes, yes you do,” Dom said smirking before Cole reached out to playfully slap him and Dom dodged his hand laughing.

“I do not…that often,” Cole admitted.

“I miss music,” I said shaking my head, “What I wouldn’t give to listen to a stupid boyband even. Even though I don’t really like either Nsync or backstreet boys,” I answered.

“Oh, come on, I think I look just like Kevin,” Pat said fake frowning.

“Huh, no,” I said shaking my head, “For one you aren’t as tall or as old and you don’t have a goatee.”

“No, I don’t but I could, one day you never know,” Pat answered, “Come on and I could sing.”

“Don’t sing here,” I said.

“OHHH John get rid of that look,” Cole said laughing.

“What look?” I asked confused.

“Puppy eyes,” Dom said taking a bite of his salad, “Think of someone’s grandma and not Pat singing naked in the shower.”

“How did…?”

Everyone started howling with laughter. Apparently, what I was thinking of was written all over my face. That moment I heard his hushed singing behind me as he tried to keep me calm. How beautiful it had sounded. How well it had relaxed me. I tried to think of something gross, the lint in someone’s belly button, the corn chip smell of someone’s feet. And then I thought of Leo and that killed any fun I was having right away. Causing me to sigh.

“You didn’t have to depress yourself man just get the goofy look out of your eyes,” Tosh said.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” I said, “I don’t know.”

“You going to be ok to go to class after lunch or are we hiding out?” Pat asked me.

“We should probably go back to class. I just don’t know if I can deal with that,” I said.

“His horrible disgusting comments that Ruiz somehow always draws attention to and embarrass him you mean?” Pat asked.

“Yes,” I answered, “He might be saying those comments as a joke, Ruiz I mean but he makes me feel like everyone knows what he’s saying.”

“Well, Tosh said he heard Casper and Joel talking because you know he sits in the back of the room. They called Gus a pervert and said he heard them say they felt sorry for you because they get the impression he has a thing for you. They hope he hasn’t done anything about it. Like molested you and what not. Casper said he wanted to ask you and Joel said he didn’t think that was a good idea because you’re always so quiet that if one of them offended you, you might punch them,” Pat told me.

“I don’t think I would punch them. I’d probably stand there gob smacked that they had to nerve to ask me a question like that,” I said.

“Who goes around asking stuff like that anyway? Did your teacher touch you dirty? I mean really?” Dom muttered.

“Apparently Catholic school boys?” Pat asked, “Because you know, that’s a question you ask people.”

“Yeah, what screams I want to be your friend more then, you know have you ever been fucked against your will?” Pat said which caused Dom to cough water all over me.

“Now, that is true friendship. Being covered in someone’s spit, thanks for that. I needed a shower,” I said.

“I’m happy I could assist,” Dom said smiling.

“I think the true trophy of assistance goes to Tosh today,” Cole said.

“I agree with that. Man, I have never seen Chad and Dick move so fast,” Pat said.

“Yes, thank you Tosh,” I said again.

“No problem,” Tosh said.

“What do their dad’s fucking feed them?” Dom said, “Like I mean they are strong mother fuckers.”

“Well we are only 13 and 14 where as they are closer to 18. That’s a huge difference in body development,” Cole said.

“I think they have too much protein in their diets. I kicked Dick in the shin. It was like kicking fucking bone. Like I didn’t just not fight. I tried,” I said which made everyone go quiet the mood growing serious.

“We know.” Cole sighed.

“The idea would never cross my mind of you just …not fighting Rabbit. Not ever. No one would ever think you wouldn’t put up a fight to stop something you didn’t want,” Pat said staring at me closely squeezing my knee gently under the table.

“Yeah, someone would have to be stupid to think you weren’t going to fight that,” Dom added, “Don’t worry about it. We know you John.”

“Yeah John we know you,” I heard Dick mocking Dom, “I bet you know him really well, don’t you Dominic?”

“Don’t,” Pat hissed.

“I’m going to go,” Dom said, “And pretend that I didn’t hear that. When I get back I want you gone Dick.”

“Come on it was a joke,” Dick said sighing, “So touchy…” He said leaning over my back trapping me against the table making me panic.

“Dick let him go or I swear to fucking god. I will beat your fucking face in,” Pat hissed.

All I could think in my head as the tension build around me Dick squeezing me harder between the table in his body was “let me go let me go let me go let me go”. I hated this. I hated being an object that people could just use and scare and abuse and hurt and hate. I felt like I was going to stop breathing when I heard someone clear their throat.

“No need to be sinfully close,” Father Dunbee commented, “Back off Mr. Swartzman before you are sent to the headmaster’s office. Even if whatever you are doing is considered a wanted advance a sin and breaking the school no physical contact policy puts you in hot water. Not just with the head master but also the lord himself.”

“Yes, sir father,” Dick said backing up off of me and walking away.

“Are you fellows ok?” Father Dunbee asked our group, “Mr. Kingly? Mr. McGregor?”

“Yeah, we’re ok thank you Father,” Pat answered.

“Ok I’ll see you in class later gentlemen,” Father Dunbee said before walking away.

“Father Dunbee saving’s John’s ass in a literal way everywhere he goes,” Cole said laughing lightly.

“Yeah real funny Cole,” I said shaking my head.

“What? He does. I mean like he got rid of Barren for you, didn’t he? I mean he’s not stupid. He had to know what he was doing right?” Cole asked.

“Yeah, Barren is really not a good person though,” I answered.

“Whatever happened to him anyway?” Pat asked.

“I don’t know. I just know he’s gone and we’re all better off for it,” I answered, “Now if Father Dunbee could get rid of everyone else I would be forever in his debt.”

“Hey, I’ve been trying to get rid of everyone else,” Pat said pouting.

“How? By getting your ass beat? Please Pat that isn’t helpful,” I pointed out.

“He’s right, it’s really not,” Dom pointed out nodding his head thoughtfully, “It would be more helpful to make sure he doesn’t get his ass beat.”

“Which I’ve been doing by keeping my mouth shut,” Pat said, “You know how hard it is to keep my fists to myself when…” Pat sighed heavily giving a tight-lipped smile.

“Hey,” Dom said looking at my face, “So has anyone seen that new movie that’s out? Sleepy Hallow? It came out right before thanksgiving?”

“No, haven’t had a chance to see it,” I answered, “I don’t really get the chance to do many things.”

“Tosh and I saw it, I think,” Cole answered, “Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp, kind of old timey?”

“That’s the one,” Dom answered, “It’s supposed to be about sleepy hallow obviously.”

“Who plays Ichabod?” Pat asked.

“Johnny Depp,” Cole answered.

“Really? He doesn’t seem dorky enough to be Ichabod,” Pat commented.

“Apparently Tim Burton thought he was,” Dom said.

“Was it any good?” Pat asked.

“It wasn’t bad,” Tosh answered.

The lunch bell rang sending me back into a silent panic. I wasn’t ready to go to class but knew I’d have to. I knew if I skipped anymore classes I’d be in trouble. I’d be Allan’s or someone else’s that would hurt me. I didn’t want that. And I wanted to make sure Dick stayed away from me because he seemed very focused on me.

“You ok?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah, why?” I asked standing up.

“Your face, it says you don’t want to go to class, that you’re not ready to,” Pat answered.

“I just feel like something bad is going to happen. I don’t know,” I answered.

“Dude something bad already happened. You’re having aftershocks, you’re all right,” Cole commented, “You’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be right there,” Pat assured me, “Nothing is going to happen if I’m right there. Just trust me ok?”

“You know I trust you. I just don’t trust him,” I answered quietly.

“You’ll be ok,” Pat said.

We walked to class. Making sure we were hanging back so we didn’t get caught by him outside the door. Pat didn’t want us to get in trouble for skipping and he didn’t say anything when we came in as the last bell rang however he did stop us as class was letting out.

“Mr. McGregor, Mr. Kingly I would like you two to stay for just a minute,” Father McClairen said before we had a chance to escape the classroom and he waited for the rest of the class to scatter, “Now can you tell me why you missed the first half of class today?”


	42. 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finishes the school day with the promise of punishing for skipping hanging over his head. A medical issues occurs causing Vic to be called and things go too far, Vic breaking a promise he had made to John and said he would never break. John admits to Leo he wants to kill himself and Leo tells him what's in store for him if he tries to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 877 to 898. Heavy warnings in this chapter as you can tell by the summary bad things happen, **Warnings: Forced kissing, molestation, mental health issues, eating disorders, Rape/non-con, Gang rape, vomiting, fainting, verbal fighting, physical abuse, forced oral, forced anal, suicidal thoughts**

“I wasn’t feeling well,” I said before Pat could get a word out, “I’m sorry sir. It won’t happen again.”

“How do I know it won’t happen again? You did it in the first place I’m assuming,” McClairen said.

“I won’t. I promise,” I answered.

“Can you tell me why you weren’t feeling well?” He asked me.

“Maybe because Dick Swartzman thinks he had the right to push him up against a wall and cop a feel?” Pat said, “Like all of you seem to believe you have the right to do.”

“Patrick,” Father McClairen said, “Don’t talk like that here.”

“Why? Because people might hear me?” Pat said, “You’re not going to do anything to him, are you?”

“No. I’m not. It’s not my place but I can promise you the people that need to know will be informed. In fact, I want you to call and tell them. You’re Leo’s right now, correct?” McClairen asked me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. He wasn’t serious. How did he know that and was he really going to make me call him? Because my Da would agree that it was Leo’s place to pick a punishment and not his. Leo would make sure whatever it was wasn’t something I wanted. Not that I wanted anything to do with Leo anyway.

“Come on, make the call. I want you the hand me the phone before you hang up,” he said looking at me.

I went over to the phone my hand shaking as I dialed the number. I put the receiver to my ear and tried to remember to breathe. My heart slamming into my chest wall like a sludge hammer trying to break it down.

“Hello?” I heard Leo’s voice.

I sighed silently not sure what to say. Not sure if I wanted to say anything at all. This was going to be bad. If it was really bad I wouldn’t even get to go home. If I got lucky it wouldn’t be until later tonight around Dinner time or after.

“Hello? Who is this?” Leo said.

“Leo…,” I said quietly.

“Hi baby. What’s going on?” He asked me.

“I skipped. Just the first half of class but, Father McClairen said I should tell you,” I said quietly.

“I figured that might have happened. I got a call from Rich earlier saying he got hit in the face by your friend. The Asian kid, because he was going to have some fun with you and your friends apparently weren’t ok with that,” Leo said, “So I was going to come pick you up after school anyway.”

“Oh,” I said quietly.

“I already talked to your Dad. He’s fine with it as long as you sleep in your own bed. I think you should spend some time with Rich anyway. Get to know him a little better. Maybe it would help you relax around him.” Leo said, “So I’m going to pick you both up after school and you’re going to spend some time getting to know each other. You’re going to be accommodating and he’s going to try and be respectful. I will set the boundaries in the car all right? Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. Do I need to talk to Gus before you hang up?”

“Y-yes,” I answered closing my eyes trying to keep my lips from trembling trying to keep myself from crying.

“Ok baby I love you. Give the phone to Gus, I’ll see you in what an hour and a half?” Leo said, “Hand it over.”

“Father,” I said holding the phone out to him which he took.

“Are you ok?” Pat asked to which I shook my head.

So that was my punishment for skipping. I had to let Dick do whatever he wanted with me. I was 13. This wasn’t fair. This was my body that I had to live in and yet everyone got in a say in what they did with it, what happened to it but me.

“All right boys, get to class. I’ll see you later tonight all right Mr. Kingly?” Father McClairen said to which Pat nodded his head.

We headed off to our next class. Father Dunbee. The only thing that I could think of was to ask for detention which would probably get me into even more trouble.

We managed to make it into the classroom just as the bell rang. Everyone sat down, a new book on each desk. I sighed picking up the book looking at the cover. The outsiders. It was a book I had heard of before but didn’t interest me. I wondered why we would be reading it. 

“Gentlemen,” Father Dunbee started, “I want you to just clear your head to start with. Before we start reading this book after the break. I want you to write something. Now let’s open the book and we’ll read the first page…”

We all opened the book and Father Dunbee began in his monotone voice “WHEN I STEPPED OUT into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home. I was wishing I looked like Paul Newman--- he looks tough and I don't--- but I guess my own looks aren't so bad. I have light-brown, almost-red hair and greenish-gray eyes. I wish they were more gray, because I hate most guys that have green eyes, but I have to be content with what I have. My hair is longer than a lot of boys wear theirs, squared off in back and long at the front and sides, but I am a greaser and most of my neighborhood rarely bothers to get a haircut.

Besides, I look better with long hair. I had a long walk home and no company, but I usually lone it anyway, for no reason except that I like to watch movies undisturbed so I can get into them and live them, with the actors. When I see a movie with someone it's kind of uncomfortable, like having someone read your book over your shoulder. I'm different that way.

I mean, my second-oldest brother, Soda, who is sixteen-going-on-seventeen, never cracks a book at all, and my oldest brother, Darrel, who we call Darry, works too long and hard to be interested in a story or drawing a picture, so I'm not like them. And nobody in our gang digs movies and books the way I do. For a while there, I thought I was the only person in the world that did.

So, I loned it. Soda tries to understand, at least, which is more than Darry does. But then, Soda is different from anybody; he understands everything, almost. Like he's never hollering at me all the time the way Darry is, or treating me as if I was six instead of fourteen. I love Soda more than I've ever loved anyone, even Mom and Dad. He's always happy-go-lucky and grinning, while Darry's hard and firm and rarely grins at all. But then, Darry's gone through a lot in his twenty years, grown up too fast. Sodapop'll never grow up at all. I don't know which way's the best. I'll find out one of these days…” Can anyone tell me what this boy is talking about?” Father Dunbee asked the class.

Someone raised their hand and he nodded his head, “His brothers?” The kid questioned.

“Yes, his older brothers. What do you think he means Darry has grown up too fast? Mr. McGregor?”

I sighed before answered, “Darry takes care of him and Sodapop. He’s more than just their brother. He’s their parents. He’s the person they have to answer to when something bad happens because their parents either aren’t in the picture or don’t care.”  
“What makes you think that?” He asked me.

“Well, it says Darry has gone through a lot in his twenty years, grown up too fast. What makes you grow up faster than being responsible for someone else’s well-being? Making sure you keep yourself in line to set a good example, making sure they keep it together for the next one down? It’s a system. Families are a system. Everyone has their place. And if you’re place is pushed up you don’t lose your old role you just adapt the new one too.” I answered.

“Very interesting take. Anyone else feel the same?” He asked the class, “Yes Mr. Smith?”

“I feel like there is some truth to that but I think your role does change when that happens. Like when my Dad left home. I was there to take care of my little sister. I have to make sure she eats dinner at night and gets to bed on time because our mom works. So, while I’m still her big brother there are things that I’m in charge of. Like making sure things get done around the house that I wouldn’t otherwise be taking care of,” The guy answered.

“Well, I was gone for a while,” I said looking to Father Dunbee to make sure I could reply, “My mum and Da split up and we moved to Montana with our mum. She worked two jobs so it was up to me and my other brother, Will to take care of everyone. We changed diapers, fed everyone, got everyone to bed every night. When someone did something bad if mum wasn’t there I was the one who put the person in time out or disciplined them. It’s complicated. The older kids, for those of you who don’t know I have 11 brothers and sisters. I was still big brother first but to the little ones I was Da. When they started speaking they called me Dada. They still do sometimes. So, it’s kind of… I was still their big brother but, I was also their Da at the same time.”

“Does anyone else feel like they have that responsibility? Being the one to take care of everyone else in the family?” Father Dunbee asked and many people raised their hands.

“Why do you think that is?” Father Dunbee asked and Brodric raised his hand being in the class we were in this year.

“I think it’s because that’s what families do. What older siblings do. They take care of their younger siblings. Families formed as a means of survival because you can’t survive on your own. Families used to have multiple children because most children didn’t live to be five. Having a family meant the difference between living and dying and sometimes today it still does,” he answered.

Brodric hadn’t been in any of my pervious classes even though he was our age. Where I had though Delia and Celia were twins they were actually a set of triplets Brodric being the third that made up their triple. I didn’t know much about him other than he was quiet and didn’t talk to many people. Not that I blamed him. He probably socialized mostly with his sisters which I could understand having three different sets of twins in my family.

“We are indeed social creatures yes,” Father Dunbee agreed, “Some people say that friends are an extension of family. Does anyone believe that can be true?”

“I believe so,” Pat said, “That you can love someone as much as you love your family. That friends can become family because not everyone has a good family. Some people have parents that don’t care or use drugs or whatever. Some people have Dad’s and mom’s that beat them so where do the they turn when they can’t deal? Their friends. The people who care about them unconditionally.”

“I agree,” Jesus said, “Like I have a lot of friend’s, right? But some of them if I have a problem I go to them before I go to my parents. Because like, they understand in a way my parents can’t. My hombres are really just like tight you know?”

“Good discussion,” Father Dunbee said, “I like how we’ve managed to tie this into life. God has put everyone in your life there for a reason. To teach you something, so you can learn from them. So, you can learn things to bring you closer to our lord. It maybe not always be a lesson you want or think you need but, he always does things for a reason even if we can’t see them. Now I want you to think about the way the book starts during vacation. Think about what he is saying here, think about what is he possibly telling us about himself. That he doesn’t look like Paul Newman.

Think about what he’s telling us about his life. How most people in his neighborhood don’t cut their hair. That he’s a greaser. Think about those things and we’ll get back to them in the new year. For this week, I want you to work on a paper. Tell me something about yourself, about your life that maybe no one else knows about. That you’re not sure you want anyone to know. Tell me about the people you love. The way they make you feel. How they smell, talk about, if it’s a girlfriend how they kiss, how her skin feels under your fingers when you hold her hand, Surprise me.”

With that he finished speaking and the bell rang. I sighed knowing this wasn’t going to be good. Thinking of how he kissed when he glanced at me giving me a secret smile. How would I write about him? I remember thinking that. Especially when it was considered a sin to kiss him. To even think about kissing him. And then I thought about how I had to kiss Dick once I got back to Leo’s. My face falling, my throat feeling full of a stone I was having a hard time swallowing.

“You ok?” Pat asked me looking at my face noticing how my brow was furrowed, how I was thinking too hard.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s nothing,” I answered.

“It’s not nothing,” he said grabbing his book bag from the floor as I did the same Father Dunbee clearing his throat to get our attention.

“Yes father?” Pat asked turning his attention to him.

“I was wondering how you two are doing? With your situations,” Father Dunbee answered.

“Can you tell me anything about Father McClairen?” Pat asked quietly, hopefully.

“Father Watson has put his foot down when it comes to transferring teachers right now. So, for now you will have to continue dealing with him. Is he aggressive?”

“Huh,” Pat’s face flushed red, “I’m not sure what you mean exactly.”

“In his pursuits,” Father Dunbee clarified.

“Oh,” Pat said frowning for a second, “In class he’s a lot less blunt lately. Towards me. Towards John he’s been kind of suggestive. John has a lot going on right now though.”

“Speaking of I have a ride I have to meet,” I said to which Pat grabbed my arm lightly stopping me from leaving.

“What are you talking about?” He asked the worry written all over his face.

“I screwed up and now I have to go deal with it, ok?” I said trying to shrug him off.

“No, not ok. What are they doing?” Pat asked me, “John, please tell me what’s he doing?”

“What’s who doing?” Father Dunbee asked.

“Nothing. Pat, it doesn’t matter right now ok?” I answered.

“Ra-John please,” Pat pleaded, “Please? I’m supposed to be going home with you. Tell me.”

“Don’t make me think about ok?” I begged him, “Just don’t. I have to so I just don’t want to think about it.”

“What’s going on boys?” Father Dunbee implored again.

“I…,” I didn’t know what to say. I felt sick to my stomach knowing he was out there waiting for me. With Dick. That Dick was going to finish what he had tried to start. That it was my punishment for skipping class. Dick was going to push me down and climb on top of me, force my legs apart and I had to let him. He was going to want to kiss me too and I had to let him do that. Whatever it was he wanted. I couldn’t but I had to.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Pat said hugging me as I allowed him to wrap his arms around me, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not though,” I said trying to hold back my tears, “I did something stupid and now it’s not ok.”

“Boys please,” Father Dunbee said again.

“Just pray for me father?” I asked him quietly.

“I can do that,” he said bowing his head, “Lord our father. Your Child John is in need of your guidance and protection in this moment. He is struggling with things in his life. Please father take him in your arms and give him the strength he needs to stand strong against adversity. Protect him the best way that you can in order to get him through this afternoon and all others that he might find difficult. Allow him to take comfort and bathe in your grace. In our father’s name I pray, Amen.”

“Amen,” Pat mumbled.

“Amen,” I said quietly, “Thank you.”

“Never a problem. You are always in my prayers,” Father Dunbee said.

I sighed as Pat let go of me and grabbed my hand as we walked from the room. I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to feel Dick’s hands over my skin feel like he was taking something away from me, something I didn’t want to give. I had never really valued my body in that way before but with someone my age it felt different. It felt like it should be something I wanted, someone I wanted and this was anything but that.

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Pat asked me once we were away from the classroom and he noticed the hallway was empty still asking me in a hushed tone to make it hard for anyone who might stumble upon us to overhear.

“Leo is mad I skipped,” I answered.

“Yeah, I know,” Pat said, “but what does that have to do with anything? I know Gus made you call him but you never told me what Leo said.”

“He talked to my Da. I’m going back over there today. Until after dinner some time. I’m supposed to…I have to…with Dick. I don’t want to. You don’t know what he’s like. What they are like and I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice. So, I don’t want to think about it. I’d rather think about you. Being in my room with you. Not even necessarily that but, just being in the same space as you. So please don’t make me think about it anymore,” I answered desperately.

“Ok,” Pat said, “Call me when you get home or if you need me. I don’t care what time it is you call all right? Don’t forget please. I’m begging you. I need you to call so I know you’re alive because I don’t trust this. I don’t care if you think it’s just with Dick or what I need you to call.”

He looked panicked which was something that he didn’t show often to me. It wasn’t helping me stay calm. I closed my eyes taking a deep breath as Pat let go of my hand and we stepped through the front door Pat going towards the bus depo and glancing back at me before he got onto the bus while I walked the other way towards the car line looking for him. Someone touching my shoulder and making me jump 10 feet in the air.

“Sorry geeze,” Dick muttered from behind me.

“Don’t touch me,” I hissed spinning around to look at him.

He chuckled lightly, “Are you going to be saying that later?”

“Don’t,” I shook my head, “Please just don’t.”

“Don’t what? Tell you what I’m going to do to you? What I’ve been waiting to do to you?” He teased, “Because I’m going to tell you everything I’m going to do to you.”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head taking a couple steps back as the black SUV pulled up behind Dick.

He rolled down the window and honked his horn, “Come on guys,” he said looking at us both to which I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply.

My whole being felt exhausted. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I didn’t want to know either. I swallowed and opened up the back door to find the back seat down. So, they weren’t even going to wait to get me to Leo’s before they started? I felt like I was going to be sick. I wanted to run, to bolt and never stop running but I knew I couldn’t. That they would catch me.

“Come on, get in,” Leo said as I grabbed the bar to pull myself up feeling minuscule compared to that giant vehicle and compared to both Leo and Dick who pushed me forward and climbed in behind me pulling the door shut.

“Wh-why aren’t you sitting up front?” I asked feeling like my eyes were about to pop out of their sockets.

He smiled that devil’s smile at me his hand cupping my face as I tried to scoot away, “Relax, I won’t hurt you.”

“No,” I shook my head as he allowed me to push myself against the opposite door trying to get away from him.

“I just want a kiss,” he said.

“Ok good time to lay down the ground rules?” Leo asked peering into the review mirror to look at us, “Condoms is one. Two I get to watch some of it. Three if I tell you someone has a request you fulfill it. I don’t care if it’s switching positions and John giving it up the ass to you Rich you do it if you want to play. that’s how it goes.”

“Yeah Dad I got it,” Dick answered.

“If I want to join you I get to. I don’t want to hear any protest from you Rich. It’s not like it wouldn’t be the first time and sometimes it’s nice to hear the sounds he makes so I’m sure him getting a tongue at both ends would make me blow my load right away,” Leo said laughing slightly making me shrink away even more. Trying to make myself small, “We’ll have some fun. No eating until after we’re done all right?”

“Yeah, yeah Dad, can I?” Dick asked licking his lips.

“Yeah go for it. I wouldn’t mind a little show,” Leo said as we pulled out of the school parking lot.

“No, please Rich, please,” I said as he pulled on my knee that I was hugging to my chest trying to crawl on top of me. My whole body was shaking. I didn’t want him to do this I would rather do it with Leo then with Rich.

I tried to push him away while still keeping my knees close to my body trying to protect myself from his wandering hands. I didn’t want this. I was going to fight as hard as I could to get him to stop him finally yanking hard enough on one of my ankles to pull one of my legs down and successfully climbing into my lap his hands on either side of my face as I struggled grabbing at his blazer trying to scratch or push on his arms, push him away.

“Shhh…you’re going to be fine. Just relax baby,” he said as I shook my head.

“Stop it, stop it,” I begged, “No, stop it. Please I don’t want to. Please just stop it Rich. Stop it please. Please don’t.”

He leaned in forcing my head to the side biting into my neck as I whimpered. As I begged him to stop touching me. To let me go. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want his hands on my skin as he started messing with my tie, loosening it around my throat so he could start undoing the buttons of my dress shirt.

“Stop it,” I kept begging. As he somehow managed to get me out of my blazer and sweater vest discarding them and throwing them somewhere farther away as his teeth scrapped against the skin on my neck. As I continued to claw at his blazer kicking my feet trying to push him off as his body got heavier against mine.

“You feel so good,” he muttered into my skin reaching the button in the middle of my chest before I started crying silently. The tears I had been holding back finally starting to fall, me no longer able to control it.

He was raping me. He was raping me and there was nothing I could do or say to get him to stop. My face red with the effort of fighting him. My arms feeling tired, my lungs burning with the effort to keep breathing as he undid another button grabbing my wrists hard and then putting them in one hand grinding the bones together making them feel like they were crunching against each other. Like a boat scrapping the sea bed near a rocky shore making it painful, making sure it hurt.

“Just relax,” he said licking along my collar bone, “I’ll make it feel good. Go nice and slow yeah?”

I jerked my knee up making contact with his inner thigh making him glare at me in pain but not stop, not get off of me. I hated this. This shouldn’t be happening. I should be strong enough, smart enough to get out of this, to get away from him. It didn’t make any sense to me why I couldn’t fight back hard enough. He was only 17 but he had to weigh at least 80 pounds more than I did even though it might as well have been 1000. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Something wrong with me for not being able to fight back hard enough.

“There we go. Now it’s getting fun,” Dick said my button up fully open exposing my wife beater which he pulled up from where it was tucked into my pants. His hand trailing up my bare stomach searching for my flesh, his fingers tracing along my skin before he pressed his forehead into the center of my abdomen. His hair tickling my neck and chin as he started pressing kisses against my sternum all teeth and tongue.

“Please stop,” I begged again after being silent for a few minutes. My brain panicking for air at the feeling of his tongue and lips close to my right nipple. My body feeling like it was drowning in the fabric of the uniform my arms were still entangled in.

“God you’re so fucking cute when you beg,” Dick said.

“Leo make him stop. Please make him stop,” I whimpered.

“You’re ok baby. Don’t worry. I won’t be mad. I mean I wish I could back there instead of driving right now but we’re almost home,” Leo replied as I yelped Dick’s teeth grazing my areola as his tongue licked at my nipple.

“No, no,” I begged. Nearly screaming as Leo pulled into the garage pushing the garage door remote closing it behind us.

Dick pulled away from me. My skin feeling red and raw in different spots on my neck and chest. I sat up trying to untangle my arms from my mess of shirts that were keeping my arms held at a weird angle above my head. Before I had the chance to do that the door had opened and Leo pulled me out of the car under my arm pits. He picked me up bridal style carrying me up the stairs as Dick opened the door for us.

“Going to be our little cum slut tonight baby?” He whispered into my ear as he sat me down.

He pulled my shirts off my arms freeing me allowing me to wrap my arms around myself finally. Giving myself the little comfort I could pretending it was Pat’s arms and he was whispering to me. That he was telling me I was ok. That everything would be ok.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Hearing Leo say that. Call me that. Knowing the only place, he would have gotten that from. That my Da told him. The whole thing making me feel even worse. Making me that much more upset.

“You look like you’re about to cry,” Leo said looking at me as Dick threw his backpack onto the couch and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

“I don’t feel very well,” I answered numbly. I was trying really hard to check out. To allow my brain to separate from my body so I didn’t have to feel what was going to happen. So, I didn’t have to think about what was going to happen.

“You’ll be fine,” Leo told me, “I want your pants and undershirt now.” he said giving me that look.

“Not yet please,” I said looking away from him.

“No, I said now. You’re lucky I’m not taking away your underwear too. I figured I’d leave something for the stream. Some mystery.”

“Stream?” I asked frowning before the realization of what that meant hit me.

He was going to put this on the internet. He wasn’t just going to make me have sex with Dick but, he was going to tape it and show it to people. I didn’t want that.

I felt a sour taste in my mouth and ran to the kitchen sink throwing up into it before I bent over and barfed on the floor the whole thing too much. Being raped at least twice a day for four days straight had just become too much for me to handle. My whole system just collapsing as lights flickered before my eyes and I toppled to the floor like a ton of bricks before I blacked out falling into darkness.

“John, John wake up. It’s Vic, come on man. Open your eyes…” I opened my eyes and Vic sighed in relief, “There you are. How are you feeling?”

“What the…?” I trailed off trying to sit up as Vic pushed me back down so I was flat on my back again.

“Just chill for a second ok. I don’t know what happened but Leo said you vomited in the kitchen then passed out. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” Vic asked me.

“Tired,” I answered, “really tired.”

“Ok, can you tell me what you felt before you fainted?” He asked me.

“Chest hurt, like I don’t know, something heavy was on me. Heart felt funny, weird like it was beating too fast and then the room started spinning,” I answered.

“It sounds like a panic attack. Leo, was he hyperventilating?” Vic asked.

“He was breathing maybe a little heavy but it didn’t seem excessive,” Leo answered from where ever he was in the room.

“Were you feeling anxious before you fainted John?” Vic asked pulling out his stethoscope and putting against my wife beater listening to my heart while I continued lying flat on my back.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

Was I feeling anxious? That would have been an understatement if I had ever heard one. I was beyond terrified. Especially after being pawed at in the car like I was some piece of meat or a fucking blow up doll. Just thinking about it made me dizzy. Leo had asked for my clothes. The last piece of protection that I felt like I had. He was going to make me do things in front of a camera that other people were watching. It had been too much. The whole thing had been too much.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Vic asked me.

“I-I don’t know,” I answered not wanting to talk about how scared I had been of everything in front of Leo, how scared I still was.

“Hey Leo, can you leave for a second? I think John and I need to talk alone,” Vic said turning to look at Leo.

“I would prefer to stay actually. I know he’s feeling a little nervous about preforming but, he’ll be fine. It’s not his first time,” Leo answered him.

“A little nervous? The boy blew chunks into your garbage disposal and then on your marble flooring before he fainted. I’d say that’s bordering on conversion problems and he’s shown that before. He needs a break,” Vic said.

“He’s fine. Aren’t you baby?” Leo said coming up towards us causing me to tense.

“Leo you’re a doctor. You know what having a conversion disorder can do to someone. You should have already diagnosed him at this point,” Vic said.

“You haven’t done the test you need to in order to rule out a physical cause. Otherwise I would have,” Leo spat back, “I don’t like the fact you are inferring that I’m not taking care of his health. Especially when I consider him my most important patient.”

“Obviously something is causing him stress. Was this weekend particularly stressful for him?” Vic asked.

“Vic it’s your job to treat their physical ailments. It’s mine to treat the psychological. If you think this is psychological I need you to rule out any organic causes so I can do my job. Otherwise don’t just assume this is because of stress,” Leo said again.

“He has NES and there isn’t any other evident cause present in his life. I will run a CAT ok? But, I’m telling you it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell it’s because he’s getting his brain literally fucked out and he can’t deal with it anymore. He can’t deal with the stress it’s putting on him. These aren’t fucking robots these are kids. You may see him as a partner of some sort. Someone that you can control but he’s still just a boy. I mean look at him. He’s a kid. He’s fucking scared. He’s so scared of you he can’t even look you in the face Leo. You need to lay off,” Vic said.

“Don’t you dare tell me he’s afraid of me. I love him. He’s my boyfriend and I treat him well. Unlike those fucking perverts his Dad was going to pawn him off on. You know the people Connor was talking contracts with?” Leo hissed back.

“Leo that’s not something we should…” Leo cut Vic off.

“Why shouldn’t he know? Why shouldn’t he know Connor was talking to Yukoshima and Barren? You know what those guys are like.

 

Yukoshima only does 2 week contracts for a reason. He would break him. He burns through boys like some people go through a tank of gas. And don’t forget Barren. He loves seeing them bleed. He gets off on it. He already tried handing him over to Barren once. I saved him, ok?

I saved him! He’s not afraid of me! He loves me and the fact that I care about him enough that I don’t hurt him. That I let him tell me what he wants even if he’s not really sure it’s true because he doesn’t really know for sure. Isn’t that right John?” Leo said.

“He was going to give me to Barren?” I asked.

“Yeah baby, I saved you. I would never hurt you like that. Not ever,” Leo said coming close to me, pushing Vic aside.

Da was going to give me to him? Barren, who had strung me up and said he wanted to “train me”? Who had told me that it was going to hurt but that we would have fun? Barren who seemed like he wanted to seriously hurt me? Who was going to cause me a serious amount of pain. And who the hell was Yukoshima? Why did he burn through boys like some people used a tank of gas? What was he into that was so horrible and did I really want to know?

“Leo what happened over the weekend?” Vic asked, “I’m not judging you or telling you, you can’t do something. Especially if he’s receptive to it but I need to know for health reasons.”

“Well it was thanksgiving. So, we did a swap party. Ben, Lionel, Connor, Hank, Arthur and I, all right? We had fun. What happened to John specifically? Hank was his pairing to begin with and then he had a bottom threesome with his friend and his brothers. After that we had a little bit of group fun with some depo thrown in for fun all right? After that I brought him home. I wanted to sound and gave him a choice sound or Hank. He chose Hank so I sounded him after Hank left while doing double stimulation tied to my bed. When he was done with that I showed him how much I love him. We had a nice long weekend in bed ok? Does that make you happy? Why is he here now? Well I got so carried away, Rich didn’t get his turn and someone decided to skip the first half of third hour so…you know. I was going to give him a reason not to skip. That’s all that happened,” Leo answered, “Why?”

“Why did you do depo? Depo would send his system into over drive. He might have gone into shock,” Vic asked frowning.

“He didn’t. He was fine. Maybe a little jumpy but fine. He’s been fine,” Leo answered.

“HE FUCKING PASSED OUT! THAT IS NOT FINE!” Vic shouted, “He’s had too much! You need to give him some space to breathe. I don’t care what rule he broke. You need to give him space for a while. Do you think maybe he was skipping because Gus has the tendency to get a little too close for comfort sometimes? So, does Todd and you know it. You remember what Gus is like. You fucking had him.”

“Yeah, I did but he wasn’t nearly that bad. From what I remember,” he answered.

“He never stared you down with that look though? And made comments picking on you to answer questions and bending over your back while you wrote a paper or took a quiz? How he squeezed you between his body and your desk his hands going where you didn’t think they should, especially when you were trying to take a midterm. Don’t be stupid. You can’t tell me you don’t remember him doing that to someone in your class if it wasn’t you,” Vic said.

“Someone sounds a little bit like a bottom Vic. Anything you want to tell me?” Leo asked.

“No, I’m just saying,” Vic answered, “You have to remember that. I mean I know it was to teach us but you have to remember how uncomfortable that was.”

“What if I do? So, what? They rewarded us for it. Just like we’re going to reward them so what’s the big deal?” Leo said.

“Did someone make you have sex three times a day every day?” Vic asked frowning, “Because that’s excessive.”

“Not all the time no,” Leo answered, “But things were different back then and he can take it and he’s beautiful. I mean look at him. His body was built for this. You know how hard he cums? It’s fucking amazing and it taste…it’s the best thing I have ever tasted. You can’t ask me to walk away from that. That’s like walking away from a million dollars laying in front of you for the taking wrapped in a prefect little bow just screaming “here I am.”

I felt my face turn red. They were still talking about me like I wasn’t there. They hadn’t answered my question about Barren, and now they were talking about my ejaculate. Is that really what they thought of me? As something that couldn’t understand what they were saying?

“Have you ever asked him what he wants?” Vic asked.

“Of course, I have. And I listen to him. I always give him a choice,” Leo answered.

“Are either of those choices you giving him space?” Vic asked Leo.

“He’s 13. He doesn’t know what he wants. That’s why space is not a choice I give him,” Leo said back.

“Please stop,” I said shaking my head.

“What John?” Vic asked me. Turning his attention to me.

“Just stop talking about me like I’m not here. Like I’m some fucking toy. I’m a person ok? I’m a real person with real feelings and I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to have sex with Di-Rich. I don’t. I don’t want to have people watch me. I don’t like it,” I said looking at my knees.

“Well baby you really should think about that type of stuff before you skip school. And Rich likes you. He’d be nice to you,” Leo said.

“No,” I managed before swallowing, somehow finding the courage to tell him what I thought. Probably only because Vic was there, “No. He’s not nice to me. He tried to make me do stuff in the bathroom at school. That’s not nice Leo. What he did to me in the car isn’t nice. It scared me.”

“Baby it’s ok to be nervous about it. It’s not a big deal. He was just going to teach you how to use your body to…” I cut Leo off.

“I already know how to do that,” I said, “I don’t need Rich to teach me any of that. I already know how to do it.”

“You know how to top? You’ve only done it once,” Leo said smirking, “You don’t know how to top. That and every person’s body feels a little different, don’t they? My kisses feel different from Rich’s kisses and your Dad’s kisses, right?”

I stayed silent. He was right in a way they felt a little different. In slight ways but the end result was always the same and I didn’t enjoy them. Their kisses always meant sex. It meant they were going to push me down and make me lay there while they sucked me off or climb on top of me and forced their way inside my body whispering things to me I didn’t want to hear. Things about how good I felt, how perfect I was as I laid there trying not to cry. Trying to keep it together long enough for me to get into the shower. So, I could cry and cut and hate myself and sometimes throw up which I hadn’t admitted to anyone. Not even Pat and if Vic caught wind of that I didn’t even want to know what he would do.

I was kind of hoping no one would really notice that. Vic hadn’t been weighing me like he said he would and I was thankful he kept forgetting. I wasn’t about to remind him. It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t eat. I didn’t deserve food. Someone who was a waste of space didn’t need more food so their body could take up more space. It just didn’t make any sense to take those calories away from the world. To take them away from someone who needed them, who could use them for something real instead of just fucking them away.

“Yeah see? You didn’t say anything because I’m right,” Leo said sitting on the bed next to me rubbing up and down my leg through the blankets making me jerk away, “You don’t pull away.” Leo hissed at me. That fire flashing in his eyes. I knew I was in trouble. I could tell from that look that I was in worse trouble then I had been before. That whatever this was he was going to make it count.

“Vic can you help me with something?” Leo asked.

“What?” Vic asked as Leo stood up undoing his belt.

“Oh No. He’s really not my…” Leo cut Vic off.

“You do or I tell them you’re a sympathizer. Because you certainly sound like one. You know what happens to sympathizers Vic. It wouldn’t be a good label for you to have,” Leo said.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No please Leo, please.”

“Rich come in here. We’re ready for you,” Leo said as Rich came in wearing a robe, “We’re having a change of plans no camera. We’re going to have some group fun.”

Vic shook his head starting to unbutton his shirt laying it across the back of a chair gently so that it didn’t wrinkle as Leo let his pants fall to the ground. Dick came and laid down on the bed beside me touching my cheek gently. Leaning in as if he were getting ready to kiss me.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Just relax, it’s ok,” he said making my anxiety level sky rocket as I shook my head trying to pull back.

“No,” I replied as forcefully as I could manage which ended up just being a squeak. 

He leaned over me. Forcing his lips against mine, trying to find a way to force his tongue into my mouth. I pushed at his chest trying to get him off of me. His arms having a fight with mine trying to grab them to restrain them as I pressed my lips together tightly in a thin line trying to keep his tongue out of my mouth.

“Hey, calm down,” Leo said coming up on my other side, “Your ok baby. Just let it happen. Be nice to Rich. He loves you. He just wants to make you feel good.”

He grabbed my arms and moved so he was sitting above my head on the pillows holding my arms above my head using my wife beater to help him restrain them. Effectively uncovering my torso making me feel even more exposed. Dick’s hands running up and down my naked rib cage making me start hyperventilating, trying to keep my mouth closed. I wanted to scream. To yell no at the top of my lungs but knew that if I did they wouldn’t hesitate to shove a tongue in my mouth to silence me. I refused to let that happen, to let Dick kiss me.

“Hey, hey relax baby. You’re ok,” Leo said as Dick stuck his hand in my boxers.

“NO!” I said loudly kicking out trying to stop them from pulling my boxers off, “NO DON’T!”

The moment the word don’t made it out of my mouth Dick managed to shove his tongue into my mouth rolling my boxers past my hips, giving me a long deep kiss that I moaned in protest against. I couldn’t do this right now. I knew I was going to start crying, shutting my eyes tight. Trying to keep the tears from showing.

“Vic are you going to get over here and join us or are you just going to stand there and watch naked?” Leo asked.

“No, huh I’m going to join you I’m just… trying to get into the mood because I wasn’t planning on…,” Vic mumbled.

“Well come on. You want to start at the bottom and work your way up? You can you know. He makes the cutest faces when someone is blowing him. You should do it. It’s always nice to watch.”

I moaned bucking up against Dick as he still had his tongue in my mouth. I kicked out, my eyes still closed because I didn’t want Vic touching me like that ever again. He promised he wouldn’t. He promised he would never do that again, not ever. No matter what. Dick broke our kiss to catch his breath licking my collar bone.

“Don’t please don’t! Please Leo! I can’t do this right now. Please don’t make me,” I whimpered.

“It’s ok. You’ll like it I promise,” Leo cooed to me still holding my arms as I struggled when I felt the chaste kiss on my inner thigh my eyes popping open.

“NO,” I screamed loudly as I felt Vic take my penis in his hands manipulating it, rubbing it.

He was going to do it because of them. He was going to rape me. He was going to climb on top of me and push his way into my body and I was going to have to watch it happen. And Dick and Leo were going to watch it happen and everyone would know. Everyone would know that I had sex with another person. That another person had touched me. That my body had responded to it and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let that happen.

I grew hard in his hands. That caress slow and gentle unlike everyone else who did it fast. He moved slow. His hand moving up and down my shaft pulling me into an erection painfully, slowly, gently. His lips sliding around my head as his hands moved to my inner thighs rubbing them gently making me gasps in surprise involuntarily.

“That’s a new look,” Leo said amused, “I guess Vic has the magic touch huh?

I made that noise somewhere between a hum and moan as Dick started rolling his tongue around one of my nipples. I didn’t want this to feel good. I didn’t want this to happen. But it was happening and it didn’t matter how hard I fought. It was going to happen. Someone was going to touch me. Someone was going to shove their dick inside of me and give me that horrible feeling hitting against that spot too strongly for me to stop it from giving them what they wanted. It killed me. It made me want to die, knowing that I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t control it.

“Just let it happen baby. You’re ok I promise,” Leo cooed at me. Me not even realizing I was crying.

He lifted me up sucking at my tender skin of my balls making me gasps loudly. This wasn’t something I wanted. I kept repeating that in my head. I don’t want this. I don’t want this as he kept going, kept sucking and licking his lips and tongue all over my most private places making me flush. Making it hard for me to breath, to think. After I was painfully hard he stopped sitting up whipping his mouth with the back of his hand, whipping his spit away.

“Turn him over,” Vic said quietly not even sounding like Vic. His voice low and deep, more so than normal. Heavy with lust and heat and all the bad things I hated hearing in someone’s voice.

“All right,” Leo said, “Condoms are in the nightstand.” 

Leo let go of my arms for just a minute while Dick used his body weight and his hands to help flip me over his tongue running along the back of my spine as Vic did whatever it was he was doing to get ready a cold finger circling against me making me jump.

“Leo please, please don’t let them,” I begged again.

“It’s ok baby I’m right here you can do this. I won’t be mad. It’s actually making me really horny,” he said grabbing my arms holding my wrists in one hand as he ran his fingers through my hair.

I hated this. I hated myself for not being able to stop it. For my no’s having no meaning. Maybe I wasn’t being forceful enough with my protest, making it clear that I didn’t want them touching me. Having sex with me. Maybe it was something I was doing. Teasing them, letting them think it was ok. Maybe it was the way I looked at them sometimes wide-eyed and scared, maybe they mistook that for want. For permission.

I felt Dick’s hand pull away someone else’s bigger hand replacing it, the finger pushing in hitting my prostate on first contact a light brush that was just enough to almost send my body over the edge.

“That’s it beautiful relax into it. It’ll feel so good,” Leo said to me him being the only one who could see my face. See my expression as Dick rubbed my shoulders slowly, pressing circles into my skin with his fingers tips.

I didn’t want this Vic’s other finger sliding inside to join the first one. His nose and lips pressed against the small of my back kissing me. My whole-body trembling with fear. This didn’t feel like everyone else. This felt different. Scary. I still didn’t want it but it felt almost like Da. The way his kisses felt feather light against my skin.

His fingers moved in and out until he felt something in my body change. Felt something give and then he moved lining his hips up with my body his hands going to my hips. His thumbs pressing upward into that dip between the front of my hip bone and my leg socket but yet pushing in only gently as he started sliding in, stealing my breath. That pressure that hurt but didn’t spreading through my body.

“Oh shit,” I heard Vic mutter behind me as his pressed his body as far into mine as it could go.

“Yeah, he feels like heaven, doesn’t he?” Leo said as Vic rolled his hips.

“No,” I managed barely as his penis brushed against that spot.

“Shhh…, just let it happen. It’ll feel good I promise,” Leo said as he let go of my arms me wrapping them around his leg looking for something to ground me against the feeling running up and down my spine.

“Oh god,” Vic said doing it again.

He kept going. He didn’t stop. He just kept going until he climaxed inside me. His weight sitting on my back for a couple more minutes before he pulled out rapidly standing up and almost jumping away like I was some infection he was afraid of catching.  
“Thanks for that that. I think I’m going to…well huh, clean up and then go. Really it was, it was good thanks Leo,” Vic said.

“Anytime. At least I know you’re not a sympathizer. Have a good night,” Leo said.

Vic made this noise behind him as he left the room. He probably took his clothes with him because he didn’t come back. Not that I can recall anyway.

“Dad can you…?” Dick trailed off giving a sharp inhale.

“Yeah, come on baby roll over,” he said still running a hand through my hair.

“No please,” I barely whispered.

“We promised him remember? He’ll make you feel good, make you cum first. You taste so sweet baby. Let him taste you. It’ll feel nice. Those little fireworks under your skin,” Leo said as him and Dick rolled me over.

“Fuck, I never thought I’d…fuck,” Dick said staring at my nakedness his eyes large with wonder. His hands running across my skin as I jerked trying to sit up. Trying to get away Leo holding my arms again.

“It’s ok,” Dick whispered into my ear his lips against my ear lobe as his chin started moving to the crook of my neck. His hardness pressed against my leg, “You’re beautiful. I’d never thought I’d want a guy this much. Not ever.”

“Please don’t,” I begged his mouth moving to my throat kissing there aggressively all teeth and lips, biting a straight line down my chest. His hands roaming over my skin. Over every inch it could touch pinching, poking, caressing. Me twitching when his tongue hit my belly button.

“You’re still so hard,” Dick murmured against my skin his hand around my shaft as he started licking it up and down stealing my breath. Making it impossible for me to think. 

The moment I felt his lips part around my head I exploded not able to hold it back anymore a moan breaking free of my lips as I came in his mouth. His arms feeling wet and sweaty sticking against my skin as he wrapped them around my waist trying to pull me as far into him as he could licking and lapping at sucking until it hurt. Still going long after I had finished climaxing. My body wanting to collapse out of exhaustion.

When he was done sucking me off he did the same thing Vic had done. Only hard and fast our bodies rocking. Me having no strength to resist any of it. Pushing my body and mind so far, I thought it was done bending and would just break. Him kissing my neck as he climbed off me telling me how good I was. That we should do it again. Making me feel like a whore or a fucking prostitute. He got up and left the room leaving the door ajar Leo letting go of my arms coming around leaning over top of me.

I was done. I was done fighting, trying to get them to stop. My body was sore, I felt raw in different places. I just wanted to be done. I didn’t want him to touch me but I knew it was useless to try and stop him. I closed my eyes and waited for him to climb on top of me, to start raping me and instead I felt his hands on my ribcage, his mouth against my navel.

“No, please stop,” I begged. 

Not that. Anything but that. I wouldn’t do that again. I couldn’t. I was too tired. That took too much effort that I didn’t have. I just wanted to be left alone. I tried to push him away. To curl into a ball and instead he easily caught my forearms in his hands squeezing his fist grinding against the bone. I knew he was going to make me orgasm again because once wasn’t enough. Once was never enough for Leo. I felt like I was choking on my own spit. The sobs that I had been holding back finally started breaking from me.

He didn’t care. He blew me anyway, me only going silent as my orgasm started building my sobs turning into small hiccups and then slowly into panting as I tried to control my body and failed horribly. My brain starting to feel fuzzy as my body let go again. Leo pulling away once he had swallowed.

“Yeah you’re my little cum slut aren’t you baby? You love to cum for me? Can you come for me again?” He asked to which I closed my eyes hoping he would just leave me alone. 

I wanted to go home. I wanted it to stop. Everything to stop. I wanted a shower. I wanted a million showers and I knew none of them would ever wash this filth of my skin. That this was all I was. He was right. I was a cum slut. My body always cumming for them no matter how hard I tried to not let it happen, to force it not to happen. But not matter how much I hoped it wouldn’t happen how much I tried to stop it, it always did.

“God, you smell so good. Like sex and winter and something green and fresh all mixed together,” Leo said hugging me.

I just laid there stiff as a broad hoping he would let me go. I didn’t want to be hugged. I wanted to go home. I needed to go home. To get him on the phone to sob as he told me I was ok, that it was just one night and that I would be ok.

“Hey beautiful, come on,” Leo said touching my cheek, “There you are. Where did you go? It seems like you checked out for a second there.”

“Nowhere,” I answered numbly uncomfortably aware of my nakedness of his skin still against mine.

“No, you were somewhere else. I’ve seen plenty of my boy’s space out before. Where did you go?” He asked me.

“I just want to go home Leo, please?” I asked getting up enough courage to look at him. To look into his eyes.

He seemed worried, scared for me but only in the moment. Next time he looked at me it wouldn’t be like that. It would be the other way he looked at me and I knew it. Like he was undressing me if I was wearing clothes or like he was remembering what it was like to fuck me if I wasn’t. I didn’t want to have to watch his eyes anymore knowing that it was fake. That his worry was false that he didn’t really care about me. Not like he said he did.

“Ok, you want to shower first?” He asked his hand starting to slid back down to which I grabbed his hand lacing his fingers in mine holding his hand to make sure his hand didn’t go there.

“Yeah, may I?’ I asked.

“Baby I told you before you don’t have to ever ask. You’re allowed to shower whenever you want here. As many times as you want. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel clean ok? Not a thing. You don’t have to check. Just do it if you want to ok? God, I love you. You’re so perfect, so polite and beautiful and quiet. Everything about you is…it’s like you were made to be mine,” Leo said as he allowed me to untangle our hands and get up and go to the shower.

I scrubbed my skin until it was red and raw. The water not really making me feel any better drying off and going to the front door pulling my clothes back on before they could stop me. forgetting my underwear and undershirt where they were just wanting me skin to be covered. I felt a hand on my back that made me jump and turned around to find Dick.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

“What?” I asked nearly out of breath him just being that close to me scaring me as I felt his lips and hands on my skin making my close my eyes to try and push it away, push it to the back of my brain where I didn’t have to pay attention to it.

“I thought you had fun,” Dick said frowning in confusion.

I just shook my head. No there was nothing fun about that. Nothing fun about me screaming no and telling him not to and him not listening. Him not realizing how badly I had needed him to stop.

“But you came,” He said quietly still frowning, “Did I do something wrong?”

“You’re not my boyfriend Rich. Your Dad isn’t my boyfriend. I didn’t want you to touch me. I asked you to stop. I begged you to stop and you didn’t care. You just kept…” He cut me off.

“Don’t cry. There’s nothing to cry about, it’s over. When I was 13 I didn’t know what I wanted. I mean yeah sure sometimes it was scary and I’m sure that was scary for you but I know it felt good to you. It had to because I have never…like I didn’t think I was …but maybe I am. And you came so hard. You really did,” Dick said as I folded my arms over my chest wishing that I could put more distance between us.

“Even if I am that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to …make me do that,” I answered, “You know I don’t want to. You know. You’ve known since… I don’t know the first time in the Villa or even before that when I told you no. I didn’t want to. And yet you…why?” I asked my lip trembling.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Dick asked me, “You’re perfect. You’re so perfect John. Everything about you, every inch of you. How could I say no to that? The way your balls slope is even perfect. The way your skin taste. Everything. You can’t blame people for wanting you.”

“Are you ready to go home baby?” Leo asked coming out of the bedroom fully dressed to which I nodded my head. I knew my whole body was shaking. I knew I was giving off these vibes like I was going to shatter into a million pieces if someone touched me so I was thankful when Leo didn’t go to kiss me or wrap his arms around me as he opened the door.

“Night Rich,” I said turning quickly and walking down the stairs.

Once we were in the car Leo asked me if something was wrong. What exactly did he expect me to say? Of course, something was wrong. I’d just had sex with three guys I didn’t want to have sex with. My whole body still crawling from their hands on my skin. Not only that but Vic who had promised me he wouldn’t touch me like that again had gone farther than he had even last time. How was I ever supposed to sit in a room with him alone? I couldn’t have him be my doctor anymore. I had barely let him start touching me again at all and now I couldn’t stand the thought.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I answered looking out the car window.

“You’re not fine. What’s going baby? Talk to me,” Leo said.

“I don’t want to talk. I’m fine Leo really, just take me home please,” I said.

“You know that wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t skipped school,” Leo told me, “Don’t skip again and it won’t happen like that ok?”

“Let’s be honest here. You didn’t do that because I skipped school. You did that because you wanted to, because Rich wanted to. There’s no other reason for it. Don’t lie to me. I’m not stupid Leo,” I said before I could stop myself.

Leo was silent for a moment as the car came to a stop at a red light, “Ok then. Ok, I wanted to. You’re my contract. I have the right to it whenever I want. Rich is my son if I give him permission he has the right to enjoy what you have to offer as well. I wanted to so I did. Maybe I wouldn’t have done it the way I did if you haven’t of skipped school though.”

“No, you would have just waited until this weekend,” I replied, “Leo I need a break from you and from Da. I feel like I want to die. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep going like this. I need to breathe and you make me feel like all the air is being sucked out of a room when you enter it. I can’t do it anymore. And if you don’t give me a break I’m going to make sure I don’t end up in the hospital because no one will find me until it’s too late. Then who will your new fuck toy be?”

“HEY! You are not a toy to me baby. I love you. I would never hurt you. You need a break from me? This coming weekend ok? You stay home this coming weekend. I’ll tell your dad but only on the condition you go out with me. I’ll take you out to dinner you and me. Just us and then you come home. No sex, no kissing just come out with me. You understand? You really feel like you’re going to kill yourself?” He asked me.

I nodded my head. I was too tired to keep going the way I was going. Too tired and sick and beyond exhausted. I barely had energy to do my school work to talk to and rock my little brothers and sisters to sleep let alone the mental energy to not tell mum what was going on. That Da and Leo had brainwashed her into believing none of it was real. To keep me from pulling up my shirt and showing her the bruises from lips, the nicks and cuts from teeth on my skin. Teeth and lips that I hadn’t wanted there against my skin. Biting into my soul.

“Ok, well you try again you don’t go to the hospital. I’ll put you down stairs in my cell room. It’s a storage room in the back of the garage. It’s padded. I keep my boys in there sometimes when they feel out of control. Usually I do a lot of drug and talk therapy when they’re in there until you feel better. If you need that you need to let me know. But for right now just a weekend off ok? Just dinner. I’ll take you to Olive Garden or Don Pablo’s or something. I love you. Try to rest. Try to just relax. I’ll see you Friday after school when we go out and then I’ll check in with you Saturday. A phone call and on Sunday I’ll see you at mass. I want you to try and calm down because I definitely don’t want you doing anything stupid to yourself,” Leo said.

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Ok.”

“Good, I love you ok?” Leo said as he pulled up into the driveway in front of the gate.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head hopping out of the SUV as the sun started falling behind the tree tops and I walked up the drive towards the kitchen door.


	43. 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets home and find comfort. Mum starts getting her memory back and as a lot of questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 898 to 920. Mostly dialogue. It was almost at least 20 pages longer but decided to cut it down. **Warnings: Talk of rape/non-con, Flashbacks, underage kissing, underage drinking, underage smoking, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of oral contact with a five year old girl** Just keep in mind my warnings are always heavy and chapter relevant. So please don't read if it's going to upset you.

When I walked in no one was on the ground floor everyone seeming to be busy elsewhere in the house and I took a moment to grab a bottle of Vodka out of the liquor cabinet. Opening it and drinking as much of it as I could in one go before I grabbed the phone and dialed his number. Before I found it impossible to move air in and out of my lungs anymore. Before I collapsed knowing that even though this weekend was much needed relief none of this was over.

“Hello?” I heard Cole’s voice.

I thought I answered back. Sighing heavily.

“Hello anyone there?” Cole asked again.

“Cole?” I replied quietly the word feeling weird in my mouth.

“John are you ok? Need me to get Pat?” He asked.

“Please,” I said quietly.

“Hello John?” Pat said getting on the phone making me squeeze the receiver tighter in my fist.

“Babe? Can you come? You said I should call anytime if I needed to…” He cut me off.

“I’m coming, I’ll meet you downstairs ok? Be there if you’re not there I’m going to flip out,” He warned me and I heard the phone clatter.

“Is everything ok John?” Cole asked, “He just kind of took off like outside like he didn’t even stop for his shoes are you ok?”

“I need him,” I said.

“Ok,” Cole said, “You can talk to me you know? If you need to.”

“I- I don’t know,” I answered.

“Ok well the way he’s moving he’ll be there in like two minutes so I’m going to hang up. Take care of yourself ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see me, “thanks.”

I hung up the phone. I sighed sitting down at the kitchen table hoping Uncle Ben or Da didn’t show up at any second because I desperately needed him. I needed to see Pat to feel his arms around me telling me it was ok that I wasn’t a piece of shit. That Dick wasn’t right. That nothing about me was perfect or irresistible enough for people to just use me all the time. That I wasn’t such a horrible person I deserved to be forced to do things like that.

I sat there on the stool at the kitchen island. Numb, feeling lost. Just wanting something that I wasn’t sure how to explain. I wasn’t even really sure what I wanted but I knew whatever it was I wanted it. I sighed not sure what I was doing my body still shaking wishing I didn’t have to feel them, wishing I had clean clothes and a shower to sit in. Wishing Pat was with me trying to keep my breathing even with the hope that he’d be the one to find me in the kitchen and not my Da or Uncle or even mum because mum would want to know what was wrong and I couldn’t tell her. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone.

The door burst open with a knock. Pat standing there in the door way breathless his eyes wide, scared. I felt relief wash over me. Relief so strong the tears I’d been fighting to keep at bay threatening to fall. He came over to me wrapping his arms around.  
“Oh god, you sounded so wrong on the phone. Not like you at all. Tell me you’re ok, please?” Pat said to me his hand rubbing up and down my back through my button up.

“I can’t do it anymore,” I said squeezing him to me. Burying my face against his shoulder, his t-shirt and body order smelling completely and wholly like him making me feel calmer even though I was still in danger.

“I know,” he hushed me, “I know. You look like a mess. What happened?”

“They made me do it. I didn’t want to and they made me. I begged them not to and they made me,” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“I know you didn’t want to. I know Rabbit you’re safe now,” Pat said.

“You don’t get it. It was bad. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to and…” I stammered Pat kissed my head rubbing my back.

“Nothing would ever make me think that you did Rabbit. Nothing, not ever. Ok? You’re safe right now. No one is going to hurt you while I’m around ok? God, I love you. I’m so so sorry Rabbit, I’m so sorry,” Pat cooed, “Do you need some water? Anything?”  
“Don’t let go of me,” I whimpered.

“Ok,” Pat nodded his head tucking my head under his chin holding me close, “ok.”

He stood there holding me for what seemed like forever letting me whimper and cry into his shirt getting my snot and tears all over him as he rocked me and told me I was ok. That I was going to be all right. After I grew quiet he sighed into me kissing my head again.

“How bad was it?” He asked me.

“Dick climbed into the backseat with me. I kept asking him not to. And he just kept trying to kiss me, and pulling my clothes off. I kept begging him to stop and he wouldn’t and I asked Leo to make him stop and Leo told me that it was ok. That I should do it. That it was ok and it wasn’t. When we got to the house Leo asked for the rest of my clothes. He wanted me to be naked. Like he always does. I begged him to let me keep them because I couldn’t. I felt so sick and so scared that I couldn’t. Then I threw up and I passed out,” I said.

“You passed out did they at least call Vic?” Pat asked me frowning angrily to which I nodded my head no able to see him through my tears.

“They took me to the bedroom. I woke up and Vic and Leo were fighting about me. Vic was telling Leo he needed to give me a break. That I needed a break because I was sick, I kept getting sick and Leo said Vic hadn’t ran the test so he didn’t know for sure that was what it was. And they fought about it and Leo said he saved me from worse people. That my Da was thinking of giving me to. He said Vic sounded like a sympathizer. That being a sympathizer wasn’t a label that Vic wanted and then he told Vic to take off his clothes.”

“What?!” Pat’s eyes went wide and I saw the color drain from his face.

“He promised me after Da he wouldn’t do that. That he wouldn’t do that again but he did. He did and he didn’t care and I didn’t want to and he did and I didn’t want to and he did and I didn’t want to and he…”

“Oh ok, ok Rabbit, ok, you’re ok, it’s ok. Oh god, oh geeze, you’re ok, shhhh…it’s ok,” Pat said stroking my back as I started sobbing harder again into his chest.

At the time, I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to me. What Vic had done. But looking back it was because he had promised, sworn to me that would never happen again. He had gone back on his word. He had made me trust him and then gone back on his word. That betrayal had effectively shattered me. Getting closer to trusting him again and then him tearing it away from me because one guy said he had to. Because Leo had told him he had to. He was supposed to be my doctor. He was supposed to take care of me, to examine me when I was sick. How could I ever even stand to be in the same room with him again?

“You don’t have to talk about it anymore ok? I get it. I understand,” Pat said, “Oh god.”

“He said he wouldn’t ever do it again but he did. And Dick said bad things. He said he didn’t think he was…gay before me. Because he decided he wanted me,” I whispered into Pat’s chest.

“Dick’s an asshole ok? If you could turn him gay which I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works, anyone could probably turn him gay. He was gay before you. He’ll be gay after we get out of this shit hole I promise you. You have nothing to do with who Dick is attracted to,” Pat tried to assure me.

“They say I’m perfect. that I feel good, That I taste good. I don’t want to be good at that. I don’t want to be good for just that,” I whimpered saying something I didn’t say very often but they said all the time. Admitting that they said those type of things to me.

“You’re human. The only thing perfect about you is that you’re perfectly human Rabbit. Your so much more than skin that tastes nice and a pretty face. I promise, you’re wonderful and your handsome and smart, and funny and kind. You are so much more than what they tell you, you are,” Pat said to me.

“You promise?” I asked him, wanting to believe what he said was true. That that wasn’t all I was. That I was something more then what they said I was. 

“I promise with my whole being, that you are so much more than that. That you matter more than that to people who really care about you. That they say those things to make you hate yourself to make you feel bad. Don’t listen to them. Don’t let them get to you. I know that’s hard to do especially when they are the only people you’re allowed to be around but, it’s true,” Pat said.

“I just want to be with you. I don’t want anyone else. I…I don’t know. I don’t …I just don’t know,” I sighed finally starting to feel calmer. To feel more grounded, safe.

It was hard to feel safe. Between Da and Leo and now Dick and my teachers it was hard to feel safe anywhere. To want to be with anyone but myself. But Pat, he made me feel safe. He made me trust him and made my heart beat slow and the air move through my body like it was the most natural thing in the world to breathe when most of the time even breathing felt like a struggle. When his body connected to mine, when I had slipped inside of him it felt like that’s how it was meant to be. Even though we obviously had only really had consensual sex once without it being forced on us it had felt like nothing I had ever experienced before.

“Me too,” Pat said, “Me too Rabbit always. I love you so much and I’m so beyond sorry I can’t stop them. I want to so badly if I could I was murder every single one of them or at least castrate them.”

“I think that would turn out worse for me than for you,” I answered quietly.

“Yeah that’s what I’d be afraid of too. My Dad seems to know you’re my weakness. That I need you to be ok. When I don’t want to…you know with Gus? He threatens you or he tells me things he’s done to you. I think he does it because he knows it’ll upset me. Because he’ll say something and then he’ll be like “I can’t wait to do that again.” Or something equally nasty,” Pat admitted.

“He does?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Like what does he say?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Pat told me pulling me close kissing my cheek.

“What if it does to me?” I asked him.

“Listen whatever he says, it doesn’t matter ok? Trust me I would never let him hurt you if I could help it” Pat said.

“I know I just want to know what he says, please?” I requested quietly.

“He mostly talks about where he likes to…kiss you. He talks about how he sometimes likes to use toys and how you seem to respond to that. Just little things that he knows are going to piss me off. Going to make me do what he wants with who he wants because I don’t want him to hurt you,” Pat answered.

“Oh,” I said thinking about what that meant. Where he liked to kiss me? That he blew me all the time. How he used toys? How he shoved vibrators up my ass and then blew me how my body always… I started crying.

“Shhh…” Pat said as I feel to my knees him grabbing me holding me. Rocking me gently, “Shhh…it’s ok. Shhh…”

“You shouldn’t know,” I whimpered, “You shouldn’t know.”

“No, no rabbit it’s ok. I know it’s not true that you want it. I know you don’t want it. Ok?” I love you so much and I know you don’t want it,” Pat said.

“I don’t know. You shouldn’t know,” I said.

“What’s wrong with me knowing? Rabbit I know you don’t want to me to know but those things he says are lies. I know you don’t ask him for more. I’d be stupid to believe anything my Dad says. He’s just jealous that you don’t want to be with him. He’s sick and he wants to twist everything around but you know what? I won’t let him. I won’t let him twist us up. I love you and I know you better than I know anyone, better than I know myself and I can tell you without a doubt you don’t want any of them. Not ever not even their finger tips on your skin,” Pat told me, “Hey? You want to go take a shower? Get cleaned, get fresh clothes? It might make you feel better.”

I nodded my head trying to breathe. Him holding me up, supporting my weight. It wasn’t fair. There were things he wasn’t supposed to know. Things that Hank shouldn’t have told him. How did he not find me gross? The fact that my body shuddered as it came in Hanks mouth, on his stomach when he laid on top of me. How I moaned and panted even though he was hurting me. Even though I didn’t want it. How could any of those things be something he was ok with?

“Come on,” Pat said pulling me upstairs and into the guest room where mum used to sleep before we ran away helping me pull my undershirt up over my head as he turned on the shower water him pulling off his t-shirt and shoving his jeans and boxers past his hips as I undid my khakis and let them fall to the ground.

He climbed into the tub holding me up pulling me over the side sitting down and pulling me into his lap. Both of us were naked, me curled up into a ball as he rocked me and let me cry. Then I heard his light little whispers. His singing that always made me feel better.

“Maybe it's intuition   
But some things you just don't question  
Like in your eyes  
I see my future in an instant  
and there it goes  
I think I've found my best friend  
I know that it might sound more than  
a little crazy but I believe…” 

He sang the whole song to me quietly. I knew I loved you by Savage Garden. By the time he was done singing I was done crying. My breathing evened out, my ear pressed against his chest listening to his heart beat.

“Are you feeling any better?” He asked me rubbing his hand through my wet hair to which I nodded sighing deeply.

“You still shouldn’t know that,” I answered.

“Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe it wasn’t his right to say any of that. But, it doesn’t make me love you any less. I promise nothing could make me stop loving you,” Pat told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m just tired of feeling like I’m a blow-up doll.”

“Don’t trust how you feel. Trust me, trust how I feel about you ok? I know it’s hard. I know it’s so hard when all they do is…use you but trust me please,” Pat said.

“I trust you. I do,” I answered nodding my head.

“Good, good, let’s get you washed up and find some clothes ok? Then we’ll go upstairs and lay down for a while. Just try and chill ok?” Pat said.

I nodded my head and stood up helping him to his feet as he took the shower poof and allowed the body wash to drip onto it humming lightly before he rubbed it softly against my skin in small circles. His hands felt warm. He felt warm like I could feel his love radiating out from his skin into mine with his touch. After he was done soaping up my back he handed me the poof and I cleaned my front rinsing myself as he soaped himself up.

“Can you get my back?” He asked me when I turned around handing it to me, “Thanks.”

“No problem,” I answered scrubbing his back gently, “thank you.”

“For what?” He asked me.

“For putting up with me. My moods. How much I cry,” I answered honestly.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you. Even wear your snot proudly on my shirt,” Pat said making me laugh lightly as he smiled, “I love that sound.”

“I love you,” I replied.

“I love you too,” Pat said kissing me lightly before stepping around me to rinse off as I climbed out grabbing a towel and drying myself off wrapping it around my waist as Pat turned off the water.

“Ready to go upstairs?” He asked me after he dried himself off.

“I don’t know, I’m scared that…” I sighed feeling naked and exposed.

“I know I’m right here though. If they get you they get me too ok?” Pat said to which I nodded my head.

He was right if they stopped me and tried to hurt me he was right there just as naked as I was. That didn’t make me feel any better about it but, it was the truth. And I knew he wouldn’t just take off and run if they decided to hurt me that he would protest that he would stay and try to fight them unless he thought him fighting would make things worse for me. Everything he did or didn’t do was for me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Let’s go upstairs and find some clothes you can barrow some so you don’t have to go home in your stinky stuff.”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head and opening the bathroom door. He stopped as he opened the door looking up and down the hall to make sure neither one of them was there and then started walking towards the lift. When we got upstairs we could smell the food. It was some sort of seafood but the smell made me feel sick and I was beyond tired a little figure running down the hallway towards us.

“John, I…why don’t you have clothes on?” James asked looking at us both clad in our towels.

“John’s a little tired right now bud,” Pat answered as I sighed not wanting to have to explain that my clothes had felt filthy against my skin because they had been ripped from my body so someone could rape me. So, three people could rape me.

“Where are your clothes?” James asked his confusion only growing.

“Well,” Pat said thinking of his answer as I saw the back of his neck starting to turn red from the blush creeping around his face which made me smile… “I fell into the pool and my clothes got all wet so I had to take them off.”

Will came up clearing his throat hiding a smile, “Well, don’t you think you should both go find clothes. Speaking of did you fall into the pool again too John? Because I’m seeing a pool equals lack of clothing theme in your life.”

“Ha-ha,” I said flipping him the bird.

“JOHNATHAN!” Mum said coming up behind Will, “Why are you late for dinner and where on earth are your clothes?”

“Why is everyone concerned about my state of dress?” I asked.

“Well for one most people don’t go for a nude swim with their best friend who is also male,” Mum answered, “Two it’s 7 at night so it’s a bit of an odd time to air yourself out don’t you think?”

Now I was the one who started blushing, “Mum it’s not like that.”

“Look, I don’t care as long as you keep it to yourself,” Mum said, “Now go find some clothes and come eat dinner, you too Patrick.”

“Yes Mrs. McGregor,” Pat said his face still beet red.

“You’ve known me long enough Danielle is fine Patrick,” Mum told him.

“Ok Danielle,” Pat answered, “I’m going to barrow some of John’s clothes.”

“Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Now both of you go,” Mum said.

We both hurried to my bedroom and once the door was shut Pat started laughing, “Oh lord I have never been so embarrassed for taking a shower in my life.”

“You did take one with her son,” I said laughing.

“Oh shush. Those are my favorite ones to be honest,” Pat added.

“Wait until she hears you say that,” I said.

“OH, god no! She’d hate me forever,” Pat said.

“My mum doesn’t hate you. I’m surprised they didn’t brain wash the hate back into her to be honest. She seemed very calm about the whole thing. I mean I thought I would never hear her say I don’t care as long as you keep it to yourself. And we are only…” Pat cut me off.

“Maybe they brain washed her to think we’re both like 16?” Pat asked me.

“I doubt it,” I answered pulling a shirt out of my drawer and tossing it at Pat as I grabbed a second one.

“Woah,” Pat said stopping coming over to me putting his hand on my chest, “What in the…?”

I looked down and realized why he said that. Big purple bite marks up and down my torso. I knew the light in the hallway had been dim but had it really been that dim that mum wouldn’t have noticed? That no one had noticed? That made me worry. What if they had brain washed mum worse than I thought. Brain washed her to think it was normal. That we were normal.

“What?” Pat asked me looking at my face.

“What if…?” I stopped.

“Rabbit it was dark. She probably didn’t notice ok? Don’t think the worst. Don’t play that game. You’ll drive yourself crazy wondering. Just put on some clothes and let’s go eat,” Pat said kissing my cheek.

“I’m not hungry,” I answered pulling my shirt over my head letting my towel fall to the ground.

“Eat for me then?” He asked me giving me puppy eyes.

I still hadn’t told anyone that I threw up all the time. I didn’t want him to know though, I didn’t want anyone to know. I had promised him I would try to eat for him and I didn’t plan to break my promise.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll eat something.”

“Thank you, do you have any pants? Because I kind of need some,” Pat said as I noticed my shirt while most of my shirts were big on me the one I had given him first him perfectly ending at his waist leaving him naked from there down. If it had been a different moment I would have been horny. Would have wanted him but just then I was too worried about stuff even though it was a very nice view.

“You sure you don’t want to go like that?” I joked.

“Yeah totally why not show your mom my dick? Give Alice and Debbie a little show too,” he said snorting, “No seriously though pants would be nice.”

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head pulling out two pairs of sweat pants.

Pat looked comical in my sweats them not even covering his ankle those extra few inches he had on me really making a huge difference when it came to pants. I laughed looking at him.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so short,” he said.

“I’m not that short,” I answered.

“I’m taller than you are,” he answered me.

“You’re also about a year older than I am,” I answered, “How tall are you 5’8?”

“Just about,” he replied, “And you’re like 5’5 right?”

“Just about,” I answered, “Ok well, we have clothes. Should we go eat?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

We walked out to the table where the babies and Cat and the twins were still eating their dinner with Mum nearby. It was some type of tuna helper which was not something I enjoyed. I hated tuna however that explained why it smelt so bad. We both sat down and started eating.

“So, what were you two up to this afternoon?” Mum asked looking at us.

I didn’t know what to say. Did I tell her the truth? That I was being held down all afternoon so…I couldn’t deal with that. She wasn’t ready to know yet.

“Honey what’s wrong?” Mum asked me.

“I-I nothing,” I answered quietly.

“No, I know that look. Something is wrong, tell me love please?” Mum said.

“Huh,” Pat exhaled, “John you have to eat. Please?”

“Oh yeah,” I said picking up my fork and putting food on it lifting it to my lips numbly. I managed a couple of bites before she asked again.

“What’s wrong? Where were you?”

Pat squeezed my knee gently under the table as a show of support, letting me know I wasn’t alone. That he was there. That if I wasn’t ready to tell her about it I didn’t have to. I was glad because I felt like it wasn’t going to be ok if I had to talk about it again. Talking about it once made me feel better. But talking about again just felt like reliving it.

“You want me to tell her?” Pat asked me quietly.

“Yeah, you can but I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” I answered.

“What’s not a good idea? Do you two need to speak to me in private about something?” Mum asked.

“Yes, that would probably be a good idea,” Pat answered for me, for us.

“Is this about Da?” Catty asked.

“What about Da firefly?” Mum asked her.

“About when he’s funny,” she said to which the twins and I shot her a look, “What? I know we’re not supposed to talk about it but, that’s what it’s about right?”

“What do you mean by when Da’s funny?” Mum asked her.

Catty’s little face went as red as her hair, “When he…touches us and it feels funny.”

“That’s just nightmares loves,” Mum said.

“No mum it’s…it’s not,” Mikey said quietly.

“What do you mean it’s not?” She asked, “Debbie, Alice can you stop with the dishes and take the babies to their rooms?”

“Yes Danielle,” Debbie said grabbing Andy and setting him on the floor and doing the same for Laura before leading them down the hall by their hands as Alice grabbed Mac and walked down the hallway out of sight with him.

“Now we’re going to wait a minute and then I think I should call Will and James in here and we should talk about this as a family. Pat you’re welcome to stay if you have any idea what’s going on because I certainly don’t.”

“I do,” Pat answered, “I’ll stay.”

“All right then,” she said as we waited for Alice and Debbie to come back grabbing Mary and Seamus and taking them back down the hall as Pat walked into the living room and got Will and James who sat down at the table.

“Ok what do you mean by when he’s funny?” She asked Catty whose face was still beyond red.

“Well at school,” James started, “they told us that sometimes people touch you and it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel ok and there are places where they shouldn’t touch you? He touches us there sometimes. Sometimes it just feels funny and sometimes it hurts.”

“No,” Mum shook her head balling her hands into fist, “No they told me those were nightmares. That it was stuff I made up because after the babies were born I got sick.”

“Mum it’s true,” Will said, “It’s, it’s not good.”

“Did I know about this? You’re telling me I didn’t make any of this up?” She asked us.

“Right,” Matt said nodding his head.

“And the video…” Her eyes widened looking at me, “Oh my god. No, that can’t be real. That’s not real. John please tell me that that wasn’t…”

I didn’t know what to say or if I could say anything so I just stood up and pulled up my shirt. Showing her the scars and bruises up and down my torso. While some of them were faded and you couldn’t tell what they were from many others were very visibly hickies and bite marks. I kept my shirt up trying to breathe keeping my eyes closed just trying to breathe. Trying to find a way to keep the air coming in and out of my body as I felt someone hug me and I breathed in deep. The smell of pretzels and chocolate and tobacco.

“Why are you we here then?” She asked me, “I thought I …no I wouldn’t let this happen.”

“You didn’t let it happen mum,” Will said, “You tried to stop it. Da hired some guy to come find us don’t you remember? He brought us home and had you thrown into the hospital. He convinced everyone you were crazy. You’re not crazy mum. You’ve never been crazy. He just wants you to think you are.”

“No, I don’t remember that. I remember taking you guys away because I thought you were being hurt but I don’t remember him forcing us to come back. I thought I came back because I knew it was…it was in my head.”

“It wasn’t in your head Danielle,” Pat said, “It’s been really hard for them. All of them while you were gone.”

“It’s gotten worse than what I remember?” She asked looking at us. Looking at all the faces that were so interested in the wooden surface of the table under their elbows.

“Yeah,” Pat answered, “It is wrong I feel weird talking about this? I mean it’s not my…”

“Patrick you’re here all the time. They might have convinced me I’m crazy but I know that,” Mum answered, “If they can’t say something and you feel like you can go for it because I need some answers and my children are apparently so traumatized they can’t do it for themselves. So, if you have answers please give them to me. It’s gotten worse?”

“Yeah,” Pat said again nodding his head, “He’s made more videos with different people. He’s. Do you remember anything about the whole organization?”

“I’m not sure what you’re referring to,” Mum answered.

“Your husband, my Dad, a few other people are in this thing called the FFCL. Or the brotherhood and they believe in being in a sexual relationship with their kids. Huh, shit. It’s a group thing and sometimes they swap kids they throw group parties and stuff. They…”

“Wait, so you’re telling me that these people give their kids to other people so they can abuse them too?” Mum asked.

“Yes,” Pat answered, “They believe that it doesn’t matter how old someone is they should be trained to perform in…well, in bed. Your husband does some swapping sometimes. They also have what they call contracting. Where a guy will sign a piece of paper saying that he wants to sleep with a certain kid, have a relationship with them like…like that. Sometimes there’s money involved sometimes not. But that means that kid has to do whatever their Dad and that other guy agree to. And …”

“He let someone do this to my kids?” Mum asked Pat her voice unsteady tears in her eyes.

“Just one, that I know of,” Pat answered and I felt five tiny pairs of eyes on me as I stared at my hand that was holding Pat’s. I didn’t want them to know that. I hadn’t wanted them to know. Know that I was someone’s whore. That I was being pimped out.

“Who…? Never mind,” Mum said looking at all the faces turned in my direction, “Is this a normal practice?”

“Yes,” Pat said, “Sadly it’s common. It’s something I’ve …experienced a couple of times. It’s not very…it’s not nice. It doesn’t make you feel very good about yourself.”

“I can only begin to imagine,” Mum murmured, “So how long has this been going on?”

“Huh,” Pat breathed out exasperated.

“Can we stop talking about me?” I asked quietly.

“Anyone else want to tell me anything?” Mum asked.

“Da is…inviting people over sometimes,” Will said suddenly, “To huh, he throws parties. They make us do things.”

“Bad things,” Mike added.

“It hurts sometimes,” James said, “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“Oh my god,” Mum said standing up, “I’ll be back ok? Everyone stay here. I’ll be back.”

She ran down the hall and punched the button to the lift hard. No one spoke until she was gone. I didn’t know what to say. Because I felt many questions buzzing in the air unsaid.

“That went better than I thought it would,” Will sighed.

“I feel like that was a bad idea guys, Da said not to do that,” Matt said.

“Well was he supposed to lie?” Mike asked, “Because Da also said we shouldn’t lie. That lying is wrong you know lying is wrong.” 

“This is different,” Matt insisted, “She’s going to be sad now and she doesn’t do anything when she’s sad but sit in her room and cry.”

“Is that where you go every weekend?” Cat asked me, “To be with some guy like Da who hurts you?”

“Hey, Cat,” Pat said, “Darling, I know you’re asking because you’re confused and worried but could you just kind of not…” I cut Pat off.

“Yes,” I answered, “Yes. Some guy hurts me.”

“Like bad?” Cat asked, “Or like you know tickly bad?”

“Depends,” I answered nearly choking as I spoke.

“That’s wrong,” Catty said her little eyes filling with tears, “That’s wrong.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, “Come here firefly.”

I held open my arms to her and she hugged me tightly, “it’s ok. I’ll be ok.”

“Do you think he’d do that to me?” She asked me quietly.

“No,” I shook my head, “Never. I would never let him do that to you. Listen you guys ok? It’s different. I’m different. None of the stuff that happens to me will happen to you if I can stop it. I promise.”

“You can’t stop it. Don’t make those types of promises to them,” Will said, “You know you can’t. You try and look at you, you weigh less than I do. You don’t eat John, you hardly sleep. The worst part about it? They don’t care. Da, his friends whoever else there is; they don’t care. But they won’t let you starve to death. Oh no, they won’t because that mean letting go of one of their toys. 

We’re just toys to them. That’s all we are. How long do you think before he hooks me up with someone I have to spend the weekend with? How long do you think before I’m getting it up the butt from someone other than Da or uncle Ben?”

“Wait they stick what in your butt?” Cat asked her eyes wide and fearful, confused as she looked up at me.

“Thank you Will,” I said nodding my head, “Now I have to explain this to our five-year-old sister. Great going.”

“Oh, please god,” Will huffed, “Would you rather I do it?”

“The way you’re behaving right now no,” I said shaking my head.

“Are they going to stick things in my butt?” She asked her fear only growing.

“Ok,” Pat said clearing his throat, “Come on dear, we’re going to go to your room and have a long talk.”

“A talk?” She asked.

“Yes, it’s one I’ve given before. It will be informative,” Pat said holding his hand out to her standing up and taking her down the hall, “Do you have any Barbie’s or baby dolls…?” I heard him ask as they walked away.

“Oh god,” I said resting my forehead on the table, “Are you serious? Oh geeze.”

“She doesn’t know about butts?” Matt asked confused.

“No, it’s not that. She does know about butts. She does have one. She doesn’t know about sex.”

“What’s sex?” Mike asked.

“Mike, we’ve had this talk remember? The talk about where babies come from?” I asked him.

“Oh…OH! She doesn’t know that? That girls have a baby that comes out one hole and because we don’t have that hole they…”

“Yes, that’s exactly what we’re talking about,” Will said nodding his head, “I didn’t realize she didn’t know ok? Sorry.”

“How much did you know when you were five?” I asked him.

“Well, he was climbing into my bed at night. So, how much do you think I knew? How much did you know?” Will shot back.

“I honestly don’t even really remember,” I scoffed.

“I have a question,” James said.

“Ok, I can answer your question,” Will said.

“Ok sometimes this like weird white stuff comes out of them and it’s sticky and gross and they make weird sounds when it happens…” James started.

“That’s called ejaculate. It happens when older guys get very …excited. It will happen to you one day too. It’s nothing to really worry about too much,” Will said.

“I don’t think I want that to happen to me,” Mikey added cringing and shaking his head.

“Well, you don’t get a choice sadly. Like I mean sometimes for me it just I’ll be eating an apple and that won’t happen but I’ll just get hard and it’s very…uncomfortable,” Will answered.

“Yeah that still happens when you’re 13 too,” I told Will, “Pat once told me that I needed to chill about all the activity going on down there because a good ham sandwich can make us get erections. He says it gets easier to deal with and happens less often as you get older like he says he has even more control over it now then he did last year…”

“Yeah sure…,” Will cleared his throat.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“We’re not stupid,” Matt said, “You two fell in the pool? Yeah right you were…”

“Matt not right now,” Will cut him off pointing at James.

“What about me?” James asked, “OH! You were doing that weird kissing thing that you said is ok when Pat does it but not when Da does it weren’t you?”

I felt my face glowing red, “Ok, guys could we stop talking about whatever lack of whatever I may or may not have? I don’t go around letting everyone just do that to me ok? I don’t know why Will, you think I just bend over for everyone but I don’t. All right? I fucking don’t.”

“Oh, you just swore!” James pointed out.

“Sorry,” Will said quietly, “I know you don’t ok? I realize that but, I don’t get how you can be ok with…that type of stuff.”

“What type of stuff exactly? Kissing? What you think I do? You think I do stuff all the time? I don’t, ok? And I’m not about to discuss that in front of anyone under double digits all right,” I said.

“Wait you’re having sex?” Matt asked his mouth falling open, “I thought we couldn’t do that with just anyone. I thought we could only do that with who Da said it was ok. Does he know?”

“Fuck,” I muttered.

“You swore again!” James said again.

“Ok I’m going to go and check on Cat and Pat and see how exactly that is going,” I said getting up from the table and walking away.

I wasn’t even sure what else to say to any of that. So, what if I was having sex? I mean yeah, I was 13 but it had only been once. And it wasn’t like I was a stranger to it. I’d been having sex since I was eight years old. It might have been abnormal to outsiders but to me being forced to lay down with someone on top of me doing stuff like that was just another day to me. It should have been to them too but I guess because they had never thought about maybe wanting to be with someone like that before that it wasn’t. That because they hadn’t found anyone they could imagine being ok with doing that, it was a huge deal. Before Pat I didn’t think I would ever let anyone touch me like that willingly, ever want anyone to but with him, it was different.

Like I have said before it felt like everything he did got rid of everything they did. That sometimes I needed to feel his hands on my skin to make me forget them. To remind me that it wasn’t all bad. That sometimes life could be good. That maybe someone could love me, actually care about me. Actually, want me no matter how gross I was. No matter what they had made me do with them.

I knocked on the door and opened it slowly to find Ken and Barbie naked in Pat’s hands.

“Ok you see how Ken has like this little slope thingy here? Well I think that’s supposed to be his Penis. Boys have penis’ well each boy has a penis but anyway…and this bare area right here this is where the girl has a…

“Vagina!” Cat said loudly and proudly.

“Yes, so you know about those?” Pat asked.

“Yeah, mummy told me about them. It’s where I pee,” She answered him proudly before covering her mouth with her hand and giggling.

“That’s not really true…” Pat said and I cut him off.

“Babe, we’re going simple here, she’s five,” I pointed out, “Would you like some help?”

“Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve done this and it’s the first time I’ve done it with a girl so…” Pat said.

“Ok yes peeing is one use for a vagina,” I said picking up a stuffed pig, “excuse me madam may I use your seat?” I asked the pig.

“She says yes,” Cat told me.

“Thank you very much,” I told the pig shaking her hoof and putting her on the floor next to the chair, “There is another use for it. You know how when you play connect four the round disks are made so they perfectly fit into the hole?”

“Yes,” Cat said.

“Well a man’s penis is made to fit into a woman’s vagina when they are really really in love.”

“You mean like how Daddy loves you?” She asked me which made me stop and go silent, “Did I say something wrong? Are you mad at me?”

“No honey he’s not mad he’s just…like Your Dad loves your Mummy ok?” Pat said.

“Ok but Da …wait boys don’t have Vaginas,” Cat said.

“That’s right,” Pat said.

“So…they put it where your poop comes out?” She asked us.

“Right,” Pat answered.

“That sounds like it would hurt,” she told us matter of factly.

“Oh, it does. It hurts a lot,” Pat told her.

While I still sat there silently my brain still reeling from “how daddy loves you”. That means she understood at least a little. That he was teaching them things that I didn’t want them to know and mum didn’t want them to know.

“Do they do things with their mouth too, the boys I mean?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked snapping out of myself. With their mouths? Last time she had told me about any of that stuff she said he had just touched her she didn’t mention mouths.

“Da says it’s supposed to be a secret,” she said quietly.

“You can tell us we won’t tell,” Pat said after shooting me a worried glance.

“He does stuff down there with his mouth with my vagina,” She said quietly, “It tickles bad. I don’t like it.”

“Yeah,” I said as Pat looked at me trying to stay calm, “Yeah it happens.”

“Does it feel funny to you too?” She asked, “Even though you have a penis?”

“Yeah honey. Yeah, it feels funny,” I answered.

“Does it make it hard to breathe?” She asked.

“More than it did when I was your age yeah,” I answered.

“Why would it be worse when you’re older?” she asked me.

“Well, when people get older their bodies change and mine changed so that different things happen down there. Just like yours will when you get older,” I answered.

“What happens down there when I get older?” She asked.

“Well, that’s something you need to ask mum about because I’m not sure the way I would explain it would make any sense. But you’ll get hair, everyone gets hair and you’ll get breast like mum. And just a lot of different things will happen,” I said.

“Will you get breasts too?” She asked looking at my chest.

“Probably not,” I said, “If I was I think I would already have them.”

Pat tried not to laugh and nodded his head, “I think he’s right. I think if he was going to have breasts they would be here and I haven’t seen any yet.”

“Don’t tease her. I think that was a serious question,” I said.

“You’ve seen him without a shirt?” She asked Pat.

“Boys can go places without shirts because we don’t have breasts,” Pat said.

“I’ve never seen him without a shirt,” Catty said.

Which I had to admit usually I did wear shirts because I had scars all over my body that I didn’t want everyone seeing and I felt better being clothed. It wasn’t something I had really thought about as an issue. Was she now going to ask if he had seen me naked? Because honestly that happened all the time and not because we were having sex with each other but because we happened to live in a microcosm controlled by perverts.

“Well that’s because I like shirts. Their comfortable,” I answered.

“But you don’t have to wear one?” She asked me.

“Well, there are places I go where everyone is supposed to wear a shirt like school, the store or the movies. However, like the beach or the pool or at home a guy doesn’t have to wear a shirt unless he wants to,” Pat told her.

“And you want to wear shirts?” Cat asked me.

“Yes,” I nodded my head vigorously, “Very much so yeah.”

“It is because of Da?” She asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head some more.

“Because he likes to see you without a shirt?” She asked me.

“Ok,” Pat said stopping her, “Let’s talk about this. How do you know that your Dad might like seeing him without a shirt?”

“Well, Daddy said that his pants get tight when he gets excited when he thinks something is nice to look at. That sometimes you can see it. He showed me once. He said that sometimes John makes his pants tight because he’s nice to look at like I’m nice to look at sometimes,” Cat said, “Like that one time he kissed you and you started shaking and you whined at him to stop it. When he put his hand down your pants. He told me that time his pants go really tight.”

“I don’t feel very good so I’m going to go,” I said feeling sick to my stomach remembering that how embarrassed I was about it. How I had hoped everyone would forget about that.

“Rabbit…,” I hurried from the room trying to keep myself calm allow myself to breathe. 

I felt like I was choking on air. Like everything was wrong. I walked to my room and grabbed the comforter off the bed because it wasn’t my bed. It was one of his beds. One that he put there so it would easier for him to use me, to touch me. I hated that fucking bed. And I went into my closet closing the doors the best I could and curled up there. I didn’t want to think about that. How he had basically molested me in front of my siblings. How they knew about sex because he had touched them, molested them. Let other people molest them and rape them. How he had performed oral sex on my little sister someone who he should never touch. He should never had touched any of them ever.

After a couple of minutes, I heard the door open and then his voice, “Rabbit are you in here?” He asked.

I didn’t say anything. Not because I didn’t want to be with him, of course I did. I just felt too ashamed remembering that moment and thinking about what a big fucking failure I was. That he had hurt her. Touched her like he shouldn’t have. That he had told her what a hard on was. Those were things you learned in sex Ed or from reading a health book not from your Da when you were five.

He stepped into the room shutting the bedroom door behind him and then the closet door slowly opened, “Hey there,” he said getting down on the floor, “You ok?”

“I just couldn’t talk about it anymore. It’s not normal.”

“I know,” Pat agreed, “It’s not normal for other people but for us, for them it is. I mean you think it’s normal that we…that we’ve …you know?”

“I’ve been having sex regularly since I was 8 babe,” I told him, “It …I don’t know. Ok? I don’t know.”

“That’s not real sex you know that, right? What they do. It’s rape it’s not sex. Someone once told me that sex is something you want mentally, emotionally. It’s something you both want. Where rape is something someone makes you do. Someone told me once language is important and I noticed that you use blame language. You put some responsibility on yourself and make it sound like a choice when you say they made me have sex with them. It’s rape. You should say they raped me especially now that we know how closely they, those little people out there are paying attention to what he does not just to them but to you too,” Pat told me.

“Is it really though? I mean I don’t always push them away I don’t always fi…” Pat cut me off.

“Hey when I’m in that room with Gus I make a choice ok? I make a choice of whether I’m going to try and push him away and deal with the bruises and punches to the stomach that leave me in pain or if I’m just going to lay there and go along with it because I don’t want to deal with a bruised rib or a bloody nose while he’s on top of me or if I’m going to try and push him away and fight back ok? Sometimes I make the safer choice. That doesn’t mean that I want it. It doesn’t mean what he’s doing isn’t rape. It means I’m enforcing what little control I have. I get it ok? I do. You don’t always fight back because sometimes it makes more sense not to,” Pat said passion in his eyes.

“Sometimes I fight back,” I said quietly, “Earlier. I tried to push Dick away and Leo came, he held my arms down. He held my arms down so Dick could…I tried to fight back. Even in the car I tried to fight back.”

“Hey if you’re saying no even if you aren’t pushing them away you’re fighting back. You’re making it clear that you aren’t ok with it. Even though I know your Dad. He’s not ok with No not even a hint of it,” Pat said to which I nodded my head.

“He’s been leaving me alone a little,” I said, “He did stuff to me last Thursday. I know he did but, otherwise he’s left me alone.”

“When at the party?” He asked me, “Because usually that’s about swapping.”

“What do you think they were doing when I was alone in a room with all of them?” I asked.

Pat stopped and thought about it, I could see the cogs turning in the back of his brain looking back at the memory. The memory that was probably hazy like a room filled with smoke from a dying fire or a foggy morning after a midnight rain storm. He sighed nodding his head.

“They don’t do stuff like that with me,” he told me, “Not very often but I tend to be nasty about it I guess. I bite and stuff. Arthur is really the only one who likes to do that type of stuff to me anymore because of that. He likes violence though and he doesn’t mind getting bit.”

“Really?” I asked.

I had only been with Arthur maybe once or twice once when he had whipped me and another time when he had ripped me badly because he had decided to see if he could fist me. I knew Hank liked biting people however I didn’t see him liking getting bit at all. I thought it was strange that one of them would actually like getting bit.

“Yeah he’s weird. Like he really likes getting bit. I don’t know, it’s super strange but he likes blood too so…” Pat shrugged his shoulders.

“That was something Leo and Vic fought about earlier, the group stuff on Thursday. He called it depo whatever that is.” I said.

“Depo means depravation. You obviously understand what it means so I don’t have to explain it to you. Sometimes the anxiety it causes can make someone have a panic attack. You can suffer from tactile sensitivity and that really sucks. Even though I’m sure you know that too because it seems like you’re always sitting right on that edge of tactile sensitivity which is why you’re so jumpy,” Pat told me.

“Tactile sensitivity?” I asked.

“It’s when your body has been touched too much like you’ve had too much stimulation or too many orgasms and it hurts. Just being touched literally hurts. It feels like your skin is burning or you get that feeling of bugs crawling all over you. I notice that when you get upset you tend to shake and clench and unclench your fists. Usually that’s a sign of someone experiencing over stimulation. Feeling the bugs and the burning and stuff,” Pat told me.

“Yeah, all the time,” I answered quietly, “It’s just…sometimes I don’t know. I feel them even though they aren’t there. Usually it’s when someone says something or does something. Like when Gus or Finick come up behind me and push against me. One time it happened when I was sitting down watching TV. I can’t even remember what I was watching but I could feel them and then I couldn’t sit still. Like I don’t know it’s …when I was in Montana the doctor I was seeing diagnosed me with PTSD. She called it something huh, an acute stress reaction. Where if I get upset it just happens. The Ativan is supposed to help but all it does it make me fall asleep and when I wake up it’s over. Here though if I depended on that I would always be sleeping because it’s almost always there. All Da has to do is walk into a room or speak and I…I can’t. It’s just I can’t breathe or think.”

“It was like that for a long time with my Dad and I,” Pat said, “It starts to get easier at some point. You just stop being afraid because he’s already done every horrible thing to you he can do besides kill you. So, it just doesn’t matter anymore. It just depends on my mood what I’m willing to put up with that day. Drugs help make it easier. Coming off of those for you? It sucked but you were sober so…I figured if I wanted to be supportive of you I should be too.”

“You didn’t have to. I didn’t know that’s why you quit. You and Cole made it sound like you just got bored of it,” I answered.

“No, I mean Cole made it sound that way because he didn’t want it to be a big deal. You didn’t need to be sober alone. Not after everything else that was going on,” Pat said, “I love you ok? If there is anything I can do to make things easier I will. I always will no matter what.”

“God, I love you too,” I said grabbing him lightly by the back of his neck kissing him. 

He deepened the kiss his tongue rolling across mine, his hands on my waist as we sat on my closet floor. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him around me, his legs around my waist his…him. I pulled away breathless. Not wanting to push it not with my mum there, not with the kids there and what was going on. He nodded his head pressing his forehead to mine smiling slightly with his eyes closed enjoying the moment, not pushing it further than I was willing to take it.

“Are you going to be ok tonight?” He asked me quietly as I opened my eyes. His ocean blue inches from my green the question etched there as well.

“As ok as I can be. He hasn’t really been huh, lately. Thank god,” I said leaning into his neck, “I think he’s too busy with mum being home to really find the time.

“Where is your mum?” He asked me, “She just like took off after the table stuff. I haven’t seen her. Do you think she came back?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “Usually she likes to tuck Cat and James in so hopefully.”

“Are you going to tell her what Cat said? What she told us?” Pat asked me quietly, “Because I know you probably feel like it’s not our place especially mine to say anything but I think she needs to know.”

“I agree. Mum needs to know. I’m not sure Cat is going to know how to say it so I’ll tell her. I remember being that little and telling her for the first time. I thought I was going to die. I felt like just saying the words I was going to die. I don’t want her to have to feel that way. To have to feel like she’s bad for telling when he said she shouldn’t,” I answered tearing up.

“There’s nothing bad about you Rabbit. Not then and not now ok?” Pat said hugging me, “You’re ok.”

“No, I know. It’s just remembering how scary that was. How I don’t know,” I murmured.

“Well don’t think about ok? Just do it for her. Focus on her experience, not yours. Just for right now ok?” Pat encouraged me.

“You’re right, can we cuddle for just a little while?” I asked him.

“Always,” he said smiling at me, “I love cuddling with you,” he said moving and opening his arms for me.

I smiled at him skipping his arms and laying on top of his legs wrapping my arms around his waist again burying my head in his lap. His breathe hitched as his shirt rode up my nose pressed against his belly button as I felt certain parts of him stir to life.  
“Sorry,” I heard him whisper quietly to me.

“No, it’s ok,” I told him, “I don’t mind.”

“It apparently has its own ideas today,” he told me running a hand through my hair gently.

“It’s really ok I could…if you want me to…,” I said feeling a blush break out across my face as I knew I was bluntly staring at his tented crotch in the pair of sweat pants he was wearing.

“You don’t have to you know? It’ll go away on its own if we just wait,” he sighed into the top of my head sending warm tingles down my spine. God, I loved him so much. I wanted him to know it, to be sure of it.

“Can I?” I asked him looking up at him from where I was still laying on his legs biting my lip, “I mean I don’t have to if you don’t want me to but I would…I want to if you do.”

Pat’s eyes went wide and he smiled nodding his head slowly as he leaned his head back on the pillows closing his eyes. I almost squealed I was so excited lifting his shirt up and kissing up his torso before I started kissing down pulling my sweat pants down his hips, his hardness springing loose near my face.

I ran my hand along the stubble on his balls making me aware of how much of a man he already was compared to me as his breathing started coming in lighter shorter gasps as my hand caressed and pulled at his growing erection.

“Oh my god,” he breathed rubbing his hands through my hair as I licked down his shaft to his head just as we heard a knock on my door.

“It’s mum,” she said just as I managed to pull away and throw the covers over Pat’s lap. Both of us slightly flushed as she opened the door.

“What are you two doing?” She asked us.

“Just talking,” I said.

“Are you sure you weren’t napping because your hair is really messed up John,” I said.

“Well, we did nap and but then we were talking,” Pat answered.

“I’m not sure how much of that I honestly believe but I would like to talk to you alone John so Patrick if you could…?” She said gesturing to the door.

Shit. Well shit. That’s all I could think because here Pat was wearing my sweat pants which were around his knees his private parts obviously exposed under the covers thrown across his lap. How on earth was I going to get him out of the room without my mum realizing that I had been busy with…that.

“Can you give us a moment? Please?” I asked.  
“A moment for what? You’ve been in here alone for hours and honestly my back hurts,” she told me sighing.

“Mum please. Just shut the door for just like two minutes,” I said.

“John don’t…” She stopped speaking mid-sentence cocking her head to the side appraising us, “Ok fine.” She shut the door for a minute or two.

“Holy fuck!” Pat mouthed and then snorted shaking his head.

“You’re telling me? I was having fun,” I whispered.

“You were having fun!? What about me?!” He said a little louder nearly laughing as he stood up pulling up my pants, “I guess I’m going home. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” I said hugging him and whispering in his ear, “Finish this later?”

“Fuck yeah,” he said loud enough to startle himself, “I’m going to go now.”

He walked awkwardly to the door opening it to find my mum standing there to which he smiled at her awkwardly and stepped past her. I felt weird. At least it hadn’t been one of the kids was all I kept thinking because they probably wouldn’t have knocked. I made a note to myself to bring up bedroom locks with my mum after Pat had left.


	44. 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and mum have a long talk. Vic shows up to check on John's weight and is also asked to look in on Catherine. The boys get on the bus to find Dom missing only to be pulled from their school bus straight to another bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 920 to 947 about 200 pages left give or take since I'm constantly editing as I update and I might make a few changes to some parts or not I haven't decided yet **Warnings: talk of young child sexual abuse, talk of underage sex, Eating disorders, mental health issues, talk of forced incest**

“Ok,” Mum said coming in and sitting on my bed, “First of all for right now we’re going to ignore the fact you have sex hair because I don’t want to even begin thinking about what you were doing in here. From now on the door stays open though. Secondly, I spoke to your Da. He’s obviously not very happy with any of the accusations going around.

“Mum they’re not accusations,” I told her seriously.

“I know I’m letting him think that I believe they are,” she said, “So Pat mentioned that your Da is passing you out to someone?”

I felt my throat drop into my stomach. I didn’t want to talk about that. To think about that. I closed my eyes exhaling deeply trying to keep myself calm.

“Da’s having oral sex with Cat now,” I said redirecting the topic.

“What?!” She asked me trying hard to keep her voice down.

“She told me,” I answered, “Earlier. He’s apparently told her what an erection is too. She said he told her that when someone is nice to look at sometimes a boy’s pants get tight. That Da told her…”

“Told her what?” She asked me.

I sighed crossing my arms in front of my chest and shaking my head. I didn’t want to say that. I didn’t want her to know Catty had said that, that Da had told Cat that. Or that Cat when I had said when two people really love each other she had replied with the way Daddy loves you and not the way Daddy loves mummy. It made me feel guilty like I had somehow caused it. Like it was my fault that my parents were no longer together or in love.

“Told her what?” She asked.

“That his pants get tight sometimes when he looks at different people,” I answered trying not to lie but not really tell the truth either. She said he puts his mouth down there and it tickles but in a bad way.”

Mum’s whole body drained of color again. She sat there looking at me in silence for a couple of moments. I wanted her to take my eyes off me. I didn’t want her looking at me like that, like it was my fault even though I felt like it was. I felt like if I hadn’t of been born me that maybe Da wouldn’t have let uncle Ben do those horrible things or talk him into doing them too and then everyone else would be ok. We would all be ok instead of stuck in the hell that we had found ourselves in.

“What else did she say?” Mum asked me.

“I don’t know, just that he does that. That it makes her feel bad,” I answered.

“Did she ask you any questions? Did you answer?” She asked me.

I nodded my head.

“What did she ask you?” Mum asked me.

“huh, if…if Da had ever…used his mouth on me,” I answered not able to look my mum in the face. Not wanting to think about it even though he had done it millions of times. They all had.

“What did you say to her?” Mum asked me quietly.

I just nodded my head, “I didn’t want to say too much. She also asked me if I wear a shirt all the time because of him. Because he likes it when…mum really? Do I really have to tell you?”

“Love, I’m not asking you so I can criticize what you said or get upset with you. I’m asking you so I know what was said in case I have to explain anything. Or if she asks me any questions I know where they are coming from. I’m not upset with you and I’m actually glad that you were honest with her so please just tell me what happened. How the conversation came up,” she implored me.

“Well after you walked away someone said something. I don’t remember who, and then Cat asked me if that’s why I go away every weekend. To go be with some guy that Da …Mum please I don’t want to talk about this,” I begged her.

“Love, whatever you say you’re not in trouble. I won’t be upset with you. I just need to know in case she has more questions for me so I know where they came from. I am not upset with you at all so just tell me,” she pleaded with me again.

“It’s hard to talk about,” I said not able to look at her, “It’s hard to talk about because it’s me. It wasn’t just her saying things. It was her asking me things about me and I…people shouldn’t know.”

“If anyone should know, needs to know it’s me. So please love, not just for her but for you too, tell me,” she said as I allowed her to take my hand and pull me close to her allowed her to hug me and rub my back, “You’re not in trouble. I won’t be upset with you whatever you tell me. I swear it.”

“She asked me if that was where I was every weekend was with the guy that Da let touch me. I said yes but that’s all I said and she asked if it felt weird if it tickled weird. And I said it just depended. She asked if Da would ever make her do that and I told her no. That I would do everything I could to make sure he never did that to her. Will got mad and he said I shouldn’t promise her that because I can’t keep it from happening to me. He used the words stick it up our butts. And so, she asked stick what up your butts?” I answered.

“I will be having a talk with him about that,” Mum said, “Did you explain it to her?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure if she understood,” I said, “Pat pulled her out of the room so I could yell at Will and tell him that was not cool because now someone had to explain it to her and I wasn’t sure how to.”

“That’s how you found out about what Da had explained to her?” Mum asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Ok I will sit down with Cat and I will explain it to her ok? Explain why she can’t ask those questions,” Mum said, “Now I have some more questions for you love. I know you don’t want me to ask them but I need to know who this guy is that is hurting you.”  
“No,” I shook my head, “It won’t help anything so I’m not going to tell you.”

“I need to know,” she said.

“They will know I told you and things will be worse for me ok? What is there to know? Why do I have explain? They are making me have sex with them ok? That’s all that you need to know,” I hissed.

“Are you and Patrick having sex?” She asked me.

“What?” I asked not sure I wanted to talk about that subject either.

“Love, I was young once. I noticed your hair. You have sex hair. Are you and Patrick having sex? Because we’ve had this discussion before that Da made you and Patrick do things and that you really care about each other. Because of that it’s natural to have those feelings. To be confused about things because of what your Da has done and made you do. I think you’re a bit too young. However, if it’s already happened I can’t exactly rewind the clock here ok? So, are you? Or are you just fooling around?” She asked me point blank.

“If we were I don’t want to tell you because it’s weird,” I answered.

“If you were can you promise me you’re using condoms?” She asked me.

“Yes, I can promise you that if we were we would be using condoms because we have to. Because Da…” I started choking on the words before I could get them out but somehow, she still managed to understand, “Da he…” I shook my head, “He doesn’t.”

“NO!” she shouted making me cringe, “When?”

“Never. He’s never used them. Not ever. Ok. I don’t know why that matters but he never has. He just doesn’t neither does…never mind. But if we were yeah, we’d be using condoms all right? Can we talk about something else now?” I asked her.

“How many people are you…?” She asked me.

“I don’t know mum. I don’t keep count ok? I just close my eyes and wait until it’s over ok? You want me to tell you all of the details? The first time I was raped on camera it was by two guys that I don’t even know their names still ok? There was the time in the hot tub. There was the time downstairs the first time with Ben and Hank who you know or knew about. You knew Hank was fucking me, right? There was the time with Da and that other guy. There was my teacher at school, my other teacher at school. My teacher, another teacher when he was tutoring me. I’ve done it with Cole, I’ve done it Pat, I’ve done it with orderlies at the hospital who forced themselves on me. I’ve done it with two guys from school. I’ve…I’m a fucking whore ok? I’m a WHORE MUM I’m A WHORE!” I found myself screaming.

“Ok love, ok I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ok? Calm, calm…just breathe love. Oh god, just breathe,” she said rocking me as my screams turned into tears, “That’s not what you are baby boy. That’s not what you are at all. You’re my little boy ok? You are not that. You are a sweet handsome young man. You’re my baby ok? You are not anything they make you think you are or they tell you, you are ok? Shhh…there you go.”

She rubbed my back as I cried in her arms feeling like the grossest person ever. I heard the door open and mum talking to someone as I started to quiet down so I could listen. I was tired. I didn’t want to do this anymore.

“Mum is he ok?” Will asked quietly.

“Would you be ok? Are you ok?” She asked him.

“No,” Will answered, “I’m sorry mum we shouldn’t have told you yet. I knew you weren’t ready.”

“Told me what?” She asked, “About what Da was doing? I think I knew it was real. I just didn’t want to believe it was. That’s not your fault.”

“Why is he crying?” Will asked quietly.

“I asked him stupidly how many people…who,” Mum mumbled.

“You didn’t tell her? Did you John?” I heard Will sob.

“No,” I shook my head “No. come here.” I said drying my own tears as Will came and hugged me and mum wrapped her arms around us.

“Tell me what Will?” She asked.

I made sure I was close enough I was whispering in his ear, “I would never tell her that. It’s not just me. That’s not just me. I wouldn’t do that without talking to you. Ok? I’m sorry.”

“She’ll hate us,” he whimpered.

“No,” I shook my head rubbing his back, “No she won’t. She understands, I think.”

“Understand what boys? You’re scaring me. Tell me what?” She asked.

“Da makes me sleep with everyone,” I answered, “Anyone he wants me to. If I don’t they hurt people. I can’t let them hurt him mum. I can’t. He’s my reasonability. If I don’t do it they will. And I can’t let them do it. Not that. Not ever. Not when I’m right there and I can make sure they don’t.”

“Honey what are you…?” She stopped and looked at how I was holding him allowing him to hide his face in my armpit to curl into my lap making himself as small as he possibly could. Afraid that she would think he was sick. That we were sick. That there was something wrong with us. That she would hate us.

“I’ll be back,” she said getting up and running from the room.

I don’t know what she did but she was gone for a while. I held him and told him it was ok. That he was ok. I whispered to him good things. That he was a good son and a good brother that mum could never hate him because she loved him so much just like I loved him. That we wanted to do everything we could to protect him, his tears breaking my heart. I had helped cause those tears, made him feel that way about himself. Made him feel so gross that he thought our mum could hate him.

“It’s ok,” I cooed, “It’s ok. Mum’s back. She’s back and she’ll help us. She could never hate us. Especially not you Will, I promise. I promise mum loves you so much wingman, so much. You don’t know. You have no idea. She would go to mars if she thought it would help you. If she thought that was the only way to prove she loved you. You have to know that. Please don’t be mad at yourself. We had to. You even told me that remember? We had to, we didn’t have a choice. They didn’t give us a choice.”

He snorted back some snort whipping his tears on the hem of his shirt, “I know I just…I didn’t want her to know. Because now she’ll look at us different. Look at you different. You didn’t want to. I know you didn’t want to. You looked so scared and I was so scared and …” he started sobbing again.

“I know wingman. I know. We’re ok now though. We’re safe right now ok? It’s just you and me and we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to ok?” I said as he cried into my shirt. I let him cling to me tightly until his breathing evened out his tears subsiding. When he looked up at me I smiled down at him.

“Sorry,” he said sitting up.

“Don’t be sorry. I’ve been worried. You haven’t been you lately,” I told him.

“Yeah I’ve been trying to just…accept it I guess. Be strong because I know you’re hurting. Because you don’t want to either. I closed my eyes and pretended it was a bad movie. It helped. At the time it helped.”

“So, you still don’t hate me?” I asked him.

“No, I can’t hate you. They would have done a lot worse if you wouldn’t have you know? Leo said that I wasn’t like you. That I was different but he was ok with that. That he was pretty sure if I wasn’t game for it that he wouldn’t mind teaming up with Uncle Ben and…Uncle Ben hurts,” Will said quietly.

“Wait Leo said that to you?” I asked feeling heat creep up my neck surrounding my head.

“Yeah. Something tells me it would have been a lot worse than Uncle Ben’s hand right there while you…you know,” Will answered quietly.

“So, you did it because they were going to hurt you worse if I hadn’t of done it?” I asked.

“No,” Will shook his head, “You. They were going to hurt you. He told me they would. I mean I had to believe him right. I mean it’s Leo. He said he has sex with you all the time. He said things that made me feel bad. Thing that I don’t think I should tell you.”

“Things about me?” I asked swallowing and closing my eyes.

“Yeah, things you wouldn’t want people to know. Because I know I wouldn’t want people to know those things. How Uncle Ben likes sticking his tongue in there. The way I bite my lips trying to keep myself quiet. He told me those types of things, about you.”

“How I make sounds and then my face goes red because I didn’t mean to? How he always makes it so…so we’re face to face?” I asked.

“Yeah, those things.” Will answered me quietly.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t know that,” I answered, “He shouldn’t have told you that.”

“I know that’s why I just told you. Those things about me. To make it even,” Will answered, “I can tell you more if…”

“No, I don’t need to know. I don’t need to know what Da and Ben do to you,” I answered.

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head.

“Are you tired? Because I’m like super tired,” I said.

“Pat said you had a long day earlier,” Will said, “I talked to him on his way out.”

“Yeah it was a bad day,” I answered, “Leo he…I skipped a class so it’s my fault really because Monday’s are his day until I’m home from school. I skipped and so he decided to punish me.”

“Did he hurt you bad?” Will asked.

“No but you know the guy at the Villa who was touching me? But then stopped? That’s Leo’s son and he…Leo let him…” I found myself not able to finish the words.

“I’m sorry. Wallace has been leaving me alone mostly. He keeps giving me little things. Like notes and stuff. He gave me extra lunch money and told me to buy some candy. He’s been being really nice,” Will told me.

I sighed. So, Wallace was trying to groom him. Get him to let is guard down so he could…get into his pants. When I told Wallace to back off that was not what I had meant. I would be talking to Wallace again but right now I didn’t want Will to know that. I didn’t want him to worry now that he had just started acting like himself.

“Cool,” I answered, “Pat and I might get to spend some time together next weekend. Leo just wants to see me to go out to like dinner. Otherwise he said I’d get to stay home.”

“That’s kind of awesome,” Will said, “It’s been a while since you’ve been around home on the weekend. Or at least home and not stuck in bed.”

“Yeah I know. I wasn’t too upset about being stuck in bed though. I mean it wasn’t exciting or anything but I was able to actually sleep for once in my life. At least that’s what it felt like,” I told him.

“Do you hate your bed?” He asked me.

“God yes,” I answered, “I really do because I know why he got it for me. It doesn’t make me feel very good knowing he only got it so he could spend the night with me when he wants to.”

“Me too,” Will agreed.

“Half the time I don’t even unmake the bed. I just like pull up the comforter. Oh, mum walked in on Pat and me earlier,” I told him.

“Who hasn’t walked in on you and Pat doing something you’re not supposed to be doing?” Will asked me.

“Well, when I mean walking in I mean like walking in like I was …” I made this gesture with my hands which made Will explode with laughter, “In there.”

“I would die! I would so die! How did you react? How did she?” Will asked.

“Well we jumped apart like we were on fire to start. And then she asked Pat to leave,” I said starting to laugh myself, “So we were…. sitting… _*laughter*_... there…and Pat’s like… _*laughter*_... pants around his kn... * _laughter*_ …his knees… _*_ _laughter..._ looking at her like…* _laughter*..._ like she was nuts.” I stopped to catch my breath because I was laughing so hard, “So I asked her for a minute so she shut the door and then Pat put his pants well, my pants back on and left.”

“Pat didn’t tell me she walked in on that. When you say you were in there you mean you were like…going down town right?” Will asked me.

“Oh yeah,” I nodded my head, “Yeah I was pretty… I mean we had just started but I was into it. So was he.”

“Well, a hot guy that I wanted to be with in my room with me, his head in my crotch. I’d be into that too,” Will commented.

“Yeah but anyway. So, mum walked in and we broke apart like we were on fire, right? So, then he pulled the pants he was wearing back up and he left. Mum and I talked about Cat, about Dinner a little bit and then eventually she just asked me point blank if we were having sex,” I answered.

“What did you tell her?” Will asked.

“I said if we had been we had been safe,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“So, you didn’t say no but you didn’t say yes?” He asked.

“Right.”

“But you said you have,” Will said looking at me.

“Once. We did once. I wouldn’t say that’s actively having sex. I’d say that’s more like we had sex,” I answered.

“Well are you ever planning on having sex again?” Will asked me.

“I just told you I was up in his space so…it will probably happen again at some point yeah,” I answered.

“Then you should have just said yes,” Will told me.

“If I would have said yes first she would have done is told Da that’s the worst-case scenario. Second, she would be like make sure we keep the door open. Which she did anyway. I’m about to ask for a lock for my door so people just quit walking in when someone has their pants down without knocking,” I said.

“Hey if you’re going to fool around in a full house sometimes someone is going to walk in, man. If I was going to go mess around I would find somewhere else to do it,” Will answered me.

He did have a fair point. But where else exactly would that be? I wasn’t some type of exhibitionist. I was never going near Vic’s apartment again or Vic himself if I could help it. Not that Pat and I were allowed to have sex anyway.

“Ok but should I really have said yes? I mean does it count as having sex if it just happened once? Wouldn’t that be more like we had sex and less like we’re having sex?” I asked.

“I guess. I don’t know,” Will answered me, “You didn’t really eat.”

I looked at him closely surprised he had mentioned it. I wasn’t hungry. I still wasn’t hungry. I knew I should have been. That it was important to eat but I didn’t see the point when all I felt like I was, was a cum bucket.

“I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t eat that. The smell was making me sick,” I answered.

“Well, mum is probably going to call and talk to Vic you know may---” I cut him off.

“He’s not fucking coming near me. Not ever,” I hissed.

“Huh, ok,” Will said, “You have to eat something than you know that, right? If you’re well you won’t have to see him at all. What did he do?” Will asked me.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s not touching me,” I answered, “It doesn’t matter ok?”

“John Vic’s a good guy. He’s our friend,” Will said.

“No, he’s not. He’s a fucking liar and I don’t want him near me, you or anyone else you understand?” I asked him.

“John, what happened?” Will asked me again, “You don’t just…”

“He’s bad. That’s all you need to know,” I told him sternly.

“Joh--,” Will tried again.

“No! Ok no. He’s not a good person. He’s worse than all of the others, ok? That’s all you need to know. Don’t trust him. Keep away from him,” I insisted.

“Well, mum is calling him over you realize that, right?” Will asked me.

“What? When?” I asked.

“She called him earlier after she talked with Da. So, he’s coming over or he’s already here. I don’t know though,” Will answered me.

We heard the lift kick on and I figured it was probably mum. Hoping that Will was wrong. That he wasn’t here because I didn’t want to see him. The thought making my skin crawl. If he was here he would weigh me. He would want to touch me. He would…I started shaking.

“John?” Will said pulling me back out of my thoughts, “John what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Keep him away from…” I said as someone knocked on the door and then it opened slowly mum standing there.

“Hi love,” she said to me, “I wanted someone to come and…”

“No mum you didn’t?” I asked.

“It’s just Dr. Palmer,” Mum said, “He just wants to come and talk to you and me. And talk about what you told me.”

“No mum. I don’t want to see him,” I insisted.

“He just wants to do a check up and make sure you’re all right,” Mum said.

“Mum I think…” Will started.

“NO! Leave it alone! I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want him touching me. I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s a prat ok? Just leave it alone,” I said.

As I heard Vic clear his throat behind my mum. I sighed. So, he had heard all of that? He was probably pissed at me now. And he probably figured everyone knew. Knew what he had done to me. I didn’t want to deal with this right now.

“Huh, Will, Danielle can I talk to John alone for a minute or two?” Vic asked to which my mum nodded gesturing for Will to leave the room. I curled myself into a ball and mum shut the door behind them.

“Don’t,” I said.

“Hey, I’m staying right here ok? I’m not going to come any closer without your permission,” Vic told me.

“I don’t want you here. Get out,” I hissed.

“John, I want to make sure you’re ok,” he pleaded with me.

“Well, I’m not. Get out,” I hissed again.

“You know I didn’t want that to happen, right?” He asked me, “That I didn’t…”

“You had a choice! Don’t give me that “I didn’t have a choice”. You did! You could have said no you prom…promised me. You promised me that would never happen again and you did it. You …no. If you cared about me you wouldn’t have! You would have said no. You would have walked away and you didn’t. You did it because he told you to. Because he told you. You could have said no you could have… but you didn’t because you don’t care about me. You said you did but you don’t. You lied,” I spat at him.

“If I would have said no, you know what they do to people labeled bottom sympathizers? They would kill me. And then I wouldn’t be able to help anyone you understand me? You would be stuck here,” Vic told me.

“I am stuck here. I’ve accepted that. I’m stuck here until I’m dead, ok? Don’t give me that you would be stuck here shit. You heard what Leo said. You heard him. I’m stuck. I’m not going anywhere,” I said.

“That’s not true. You’re strong John,” Vic told me.

“No. It is true and you know it. You know it because you know I’m different. You know. Why else would you have argued with him?” I said.

“Because you need a break that’s why I urged with him. You need them to give you time,” he said.

“Have you ever told them that about anyone else though?” I asked him, “Because I’ve never heard you say that for Will, Or Pat, or Cole or hell Dom and you know Dom needs one too.”

“I fight for all of you ok? I have to pick and choose when though. I have to be careful so I don’t get labeled a sympathizer all right? I was fighting for you because you’re this close to the edge and I can see it. You think I haven’t noticed how much weight you’ve lost again just because I haven’t been weighing you? News flash, I’ve noticed.”

“Why do you care as long as you can…”

“DON’T JOHN, don’t ok? I know what I did and I’m ashamed of it all right? Can you tell me why Patrick called me telling me if I ever come near you again he’s going to kick my ass? Which by the way I don’t think he’d be able to do but that’s besides the point. Did you tell him? Because I didn’t think you’d want anyone to know,” Vic asked me.

“Isn’t it more important to you that they don’t know?” I asked him, “Isn’t that why you’re asking?”

“If you guys don’t trust me I can’t help you,” Vic said quietly.

“It’s kind of hard to trust you right now. Especially after you let Leo hold me down while you stuck your…”

“Don’t talk like that. You know I think talking like that is vulgar, ‘Vic said to me.

“It’s my body Vic. It’s my body that I’m stuck in ok? I can talk about what you did to it using whatever language I want,” I said angry tears falling, “Don’t you dare think you have any right to tell me how to speak. Don’t you dare think you have any right to tell me anything!”

“Ok, all right. I’m sorry,” Vic said.

“Why? Why are you sorry? You want them to think you aren’t. You stuck your dick up my ass. And you liked it. I know you liked. You couldn’t even look at me when you left,” I accused.

“I couldn’t look at you when I left because I was ashamed that I had to do it,” Vic told me, “Because I remember how bad that feels. How bad it feels to have someone do that to you especially when you are begging them to stop, to not do it. I had no choice John. I had no choice at all. You have to understand that. I want to put you on the scale ok? Your mom is worried about your weight. If you don’t get it up I’m going to have to put you in an ED treatment center.”

I sighed. Did I want to leave? No, I really didn’t. I didn’t want to be away from home because that meant no one was going to be there to protect everyone else. But if I did leave then would I be going to place where they were in charge or would I be somewhere away from them?

From Leo and Hank and Da and anyone else who wanted my body. If I was away from them I would get a break. A real break and not a weekend with just going out to dinner and someone feeling me up under the table while I tried to choke down food I didn’t want. I could go somewhere where I would be safe for a little while. Where I wouldn’t have to worry about someone climbing into bed with me or being forced to share a bed with Leo as he…as he made me feels those things when I didn’t want to feel them.

“Would it be the same hospital as before?” I asked.

“No, no this place would specialize in eating disorders. It would watch you medically while you worked on relearning how to eat the way you’re supposed to. The way that will allow your body and mind to heal. Why are you asking?” Vic asked me.

“I want to go,” I answered him.

“You do?” he asked me.

“Yes, I want to go. I want to be away for a while. And when I come back I don’t want you to be my doctor anymore,” I said.

“It’s either me or Dr. Huntz. And Dr. Huntz will put his finger up your ass at every physical you have if not something else. You have to understand that. Ok, you have to understand that that’s why I don’t want you seeing him. Because where as I had to because I didn’t have a choice in it and I won’t ever do that to you in my office he would.” Vic told me.

“He hasn’t done it yet though,” I answered.

“No but he will. Trust me he will. Can I ask you something about Rich?” Vic asked me.

“What?” I asked not wanting to think about him, about that.

“Well, I’m not trying to scare you but I’ve heard rumors about him from other boys. That he is made for recruit track. Has he ever cornered you of his own latitude?” Vic asked me.

“Why?” I asked quietly.

“Because it says something about his character that he would target you without being pushed into it. It tells me that he has a type. Quiet, submissive, overwhelmed. Has he?”

“The bathroom at school,” I answered, “I don’t know why that matters.”

“It allows me to warn others against him,” he answered, “Just like I warn people about Chad. Are you ok?”

“Just looking at you I can feel you all over my skin. So, no. I’m very much not ok right now,” I barely managed to whisper, “I want Pat.”

“How is that going to help you right now?” He asked me.

“He won’t hurt me,” I answered, “He’d never hurt me. He’d never put his tongue on me there because I’ve told him I don’t want him to. Not like you.”

“I’m sorry,” Vic said quietly.

“I didn’t want it you know?” I asked him.

“I know,” he said nodding his head.

“They do that to me a lot. That’s worse than anything else you know?” I said to him.

“You’ve never told me that,” he said.

“All the time. It’s one of his favorite things. He says it means that…that I love him.” I started sniffling, “I don’t love him like that. I don’t it’s wrong.”

“Who?” Vic asked me.

“Da. Cat knows you know? We had to explain stuff to her, sex and when I said when two people love each other she said you mean like how Daddy loves you. She said that, how Daddy loves you. Not how Daddy loves Mummy but how Daddy loves you. That’s not…that’s not ok. I don’t know. I don’t know how to stop it.” I said a loud sob escaping me before I clapped my hand over my mouth.

Mum came bursting in, “Vic?” She asked him.

“We’re just talking he’s. He’s not doing very well,” Vic answered. He still hadn’t moved from beside the door knowing that I would probably flip out on him if he did. Knowing what he had done to me earlier and how badly he had hurt me. How he had betrayed me.

“Oh love,” Mum said coming over and hugging me, “Hush now it’s all right. You’re all right. Did he tell you anything about earlier Vic?”

“Not really,” Vic answered and I’m sure his eyes were on the ground.

I hadn’t told my mum about that and I wasn’t going to. Of course, he wouldn’t say anything about it. He didn’t want anyone to know because he didn’t want to look bad. That and how would you say that someone exactly. “Well you know how I said I was good guy who would try to protect you and your children? Well, in order to do that I had to suck your oldest son off your 13-year-old son I’m so sorry? Oh yeah I stuck my dick up his ass too and it was so tight I kept saying “oh shit” as I came inside of him.”  
“Did he say anything about anything?” She asked him as I hugged her burying my head in her chest listening to her heart beat hammering slightly against her chest.

“I told him that he needs to get his weight up and if he doesn’t I will be sending him to an eating disorder treatment center. He said he wants to go. I think it’s because like I have pointed out to certain people that he needs a break. Because boys that go through this a lot of them cut themselves,” Vic said.

“You’ve been cutting yourself? Hurting yourself?” Mum asked me.

“He has,” Vic said, “I got a call the weekend before thanksgiving break. He had cut a deep laceration into his thigh. It was too late for stitches but it was significant. He’s not doing well at all.”

“And here I thought you were doing ok. I was going to talk about somethings especially after what had happened with Cat. Which Vic could you take a look at her before you leave?” Mum asked him.

“What for?” He asked.

“I want you to check her intimate areas. I want to know if he’s gone farther than she’s saying he has,” Mum said.

“Connor, you mean?” Vic asked.

“Yes, he’s been preforming cunnilingus on her apparently,” Mum said.

“I’ll take a look at her yes. I still need to get John’s weight. He still has a scale in his bathroom?” He asked mum.

“Yes, he does,” she said, “If you would…” she said untangling me from her arms.

“Mum don’t…” I started to ask.

“Love, I need you to do this for me. If I see those numbers I’m afraid of what they’ll say ok? So, I need you to trust Vic won’t hurt you. Can you be strong for me and do that while I go check on your sister? She’s distraught. I left her with Will. She’s thinks she’s bad because she told you,” Mum said.

“I’ll go talk to her,” I said standing up.

“No, you take care of yourself first young man. I need you to go into that bathroom and get on that scale,” she told me, “Please love.”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I could trust Vic but mum thought that we could. I felt myself starting to shake just thinking about being alone in a room with him. He was going to touch me I just knew he was.

We stepped into the bathroom. Me holding my breath waiting to feel his hand on my back or waiting for him to push me up against the wall his hands pulling my shirt over my head. Something bad, anything bad.

“You won’t touch me, right?” I asked shakily.

“No. Just take off your clothes down to your boxers and step on the scale backwards. I won’t touch you,” he told me.

“I’m not wearing any,” I said.

“ok, sweat pants than,” he said as I pulled my shirt off.

I did as I was told. He set the scale on the bathroom floor. Him sighing heavily when he looked at the number. Not telling me what it was or giving me any indication as to what it might be only that it wasn’t ideal, “If this gets any lower you’re going straight in. I will call Echoson and tell them to expect you after the holiday if you get any worse. I need you start gaining weight though. If you lose any I can’t wait that long ok? You’re in bad shape. This isn’t good. I need you to start drinking the boost. Every meal whether you eat the food or not you need to drink it ok?” Vic asked me and I nodded my head.

“Do you think he’s going to come tonight?” I asked Vic.

“Your Da? No, I think he’s busy with your mom. I think you’ll be ok tonight,” Vic told me, “Why are you worried about him?”

“Because he’s just like Leo,” I answered, “he…he thinks he’s being nice but he’s not.”

“Have you told your mom about Leo?” He asked me.

“She keeps asking me but I won’t tell her. It won’t help anything so there’s no point. Why?” I asked.

“Just curious,” Vic answered.

“I’m tired of talking about it. It feels like it’s all I ever talk about because I’m either with one of them or someone wants to know what’s wrong. I’m tired of it. Pat and Cole and Dom are the only people I hang out with that don’t seem to want to talk about it,” I said.

“What about your little brothers and sisters?” Vic asked.

“Those of them that are old enough to kind of understand constantly have questions about it. Probably because they can’t wrap their head around why Da wants to touch them there and why it feels funny and why he does it if it’s not ok for him to do so…it’s all I ever talk about and I’m tired of it. I want to be somewhere with someone that doesn’t know so I don’t have to talk about it anymore,” I explained.

“Well, I’m sorry about that. I have to go and check on your little sister so…you can put your shirt back on,” Vic said, “I’m sorry again. I know you don’t want to hear it and you don’t want to be near me but I am your doctor and unless you want things to get worse for you I suggest you stay with me and not go to Huntz ok?”

“Ok. I’ll try and get over it but I…” He cut me off.

“No don’t get over it. I don’t want you to forgive me for it. Stay upset with me if that’s going to help you ok? However, I don’t know how I’ll smooth things over with Pat if you do but I’ll figure it out,” Vic said.

“Will you tell me if he …if he did it to her?” I asked thinking about Cat. My little firefly and how much pain she was in. How badly she felt. I would rather she be mad at me for telling mum than mad at herself because she had done nothing wrong. The only person who had done anything wrong under the circumstances had been Da.

“I probably won’t but I’ll tell your mom you would like to know,” Vic said, “it’s a patient thing. I have to keep certain things private.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m worried about what it will do to her. Will she end up like James? Like Will?”

“What do you mean?” Vic asked me.

“They go quiet,” I told Vic, “For days after. They seem ok now but, I don’t know. Sometimes I worry about it.”

“I can understand why that would worry you but sometimes people go quiet so they can process things. You might not realize it but I think that’s something they get from you. A lot of the time you’ll be silent or you’ll nod or shake your head instead of talking,” Vic told me.

“I hate hearing myself sometimes,” I answered, “I hate the sound of my voice.”

“Why?” Vic asked me, “You sound normal for a kid your age. I mean it’s starting to shift. To crack, the pitch is getting lower but that’s all normal. So, I don’t why you hate your voice. There isn’t anything wrong with it. Some people might even think it’s…oh.”

I nodded my head. They constantly told me they liked the sounds I made when I couldn’t keep myself silent anymore. When I would whimper and whine and moan and mewl. It made me feel self-conscious. He had caught that probably from the look on my face as he was speaking.

“They say those things to make you feel bad not because they are true,” Vic told me.

“But it is, isn’t it? That I feel good. That I…that I taste good?” I asked.

“I’m not going to answer that question because knowing the answer to that won’t help you. You understand? Those types of questions I don’t answer when anyone asks because it in my personal experience it makes things worse and there is no right way to answer them,” Vic told me, “I’m going to go now. I’ll check on your sister and tell your mum that you would like to know how she is. I suggest you get some sleep.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

I took another shower. I was tired but I wanted to feel as clean as possible. To get Vic off my skin again, out of my head. I sighed when I climbed out realizing I had forgotten a towel standing there letting myself drip dry in my shower stall as I waited before I heard someone moving around my room.

“Mum?” I called out loud enough for the person to hear me through the door, “Mum could you grab me a towel?”

I sighed waiting for some type of answer before the door opened. My uncles face beyond delighted as I jumped 10 feet in the air grabbing the shower curtain and wrapping it around myself. My heart pounding against my rib cage my eyes burning. He wasn’t going to. I couldn’t. Not again. Not tonight I couldn’t. Fuck no.

“Get out,” I hissed.

“I got you a towel Johnny,” he said holding it out to me.

“Get out,” I warned again.

“I won’t hurt you. I’ve just missed you that’s all,” he said.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Well, your brother was busy,” he taunted.

“Which one?” I hissed.

“Fair enough but do you really want an answer to that question?” He asked me smiling.

“Leave Will alone,” I hissed.

“Good guess. Why did you think it was him?” He asked me.

“Because he’s getting sick. I remember what it was like dealing with both of you at once. I’m not that stupid,” I answered.

“So, what? You’d rather I go visit someone else? All I want is a kiss,” he said coming closer making me back up not letting go of the shower curtain.

“So, you would then? You want me to go mess with the twins? They can be fun. You should see what Mikey can do. It’s really hot actually,” Ben threatened.

“No don’t,” I answered, “Just a kiss?”

“Just a kiss,” he said.

I sighed and gulped grabbing the towel from his hands and stepping out of the tub wrapping it around my waist before he grabbed me a little roughly by the neck. His index fingers pressing on each side of my jaw as he kissed me roughly for a minute. Just kissing. But only for a minute before I felt his hands starting to wonder down my back grabbing at the towel that I fought to held on to as his tongue moved from my mouth to my neck.

“No, you said just a kiss,” I reminded him.

“I didn’t say where, or for how long,” he told me.

“No,” I said trying to push him away as he started walking into the wall behind me, “NO! I SAID NO!”

Just then mum opened my bedroom door her eyes wide as Uncle Ben leaned into me bumping his head against the wall above my shoulder swearing. God damn it this was embarrassing. She had never walked in on anything happening to me before. Not since that time with Da. This wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have to see this.

“Ben get away from him,” she said.

“And what are you going to do to make me?” He asked her.

“Go Lorena Bobbitt on your ass tonight while your sleeping unless you get your hands off of him now,” Mum hissed.

At the time being only 13 I didn’t really understand the refence since I was young when that had been national news. Now I understand it and I can appreciate it. We all know the story I’m sure. It was probably one of the most graphic threats my mum ever made in front of me and looking back I think it was very touching. That it showed just how far she was willing to go to protect us. That if she couldn’t do anything else to get us away from them she would at least try to castrate them so they couldn’t hurt us anymore.

“Fine,” he said letting me go putting his hands up in front of him as he turned around looking at her me still clutching the towel hard against my body.

“Go,” she said simply pointing out of the room like he was a dog.

“Goodnight Johnny,” he said, “Danielle.” He pushed roughly past her and she watched him walk down the hall. I watched her from where I was still against the wall in the bathroom trying to catch my breath.

“Are you ok?” She asked me.

“Yeah mum. I’m fine,” I mumbled coming out of the bathroom and starting to look for clean clothes.

“What did he do to you?” She asked me.

“Nothing,” I answered.

“No, you tell me and you tell me now. What did he just do?” She hissed startling me.

“He kissed me ok? He shoved his tongue in my mouth and he kissed me,” I answered, “Does knowing that make you happy?”

“John, don’t do this right now. Please don’t do this,” she said referring to my attitude, “I’m tired. I have a little girl who is upset because she doesn’t understand why Daddy would do that to her or to her brothers. So please don’t get mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you mum. I’m mad at myself, ok?” I answered grabbing underwear out of my underwear drawer and looking at her, “Can I get dressed alone or are you that afraid he’s going to come back?”

“John, don’t,” she reminded me.

“I wasn’t trying to give you snark. I was just asking because I need to put clothes on. I’m naked under here and I would rather you not see me nude,” I replied.

“John, I hate to break it to you honey but I’ve seen you naked before. I used to change your diapers. I’ve seen just about every penis in this house,” she said.

“Well, I can understand that’s true. I would rather you not see mine just this second though. So, could you please at least shut the door and turn around so I can put my pajamas on?” I asked her.

“Ok,” she said nodding her head and shutting the door before she turned to stare at it, “Vic said you wanted to know how Cat is?”

“Yeah, I would like to know,” I answered.

“She’s confused. And upset like I said. He hasn’t taken it any farther apparently because her hymen is intact. So, she’s still a virgin,” Mum answered, “She’s worried about you.”

“Me?” I asked, “Why is she worried about me?”

“Apparently you and Pat told her that because guys don’t have vaginas when someone wants to do that to them they stick it in their butt and that it hurts badly. So, she’s worried about your butt is what she told me,” Mum answered.

“Oh,” I replied, “Well I can explain to her that it doesn’t hurt after they are done every time if you would like me to.”

I pulled my boxers up my legs quickly and found a pair of pajama pants in my bottom drawer grabbing them and pulling those on to before I opened the drawer I needed to so I could grab a shirt.

“No,” she said shaking her head, “That’s all right. That’s my job not yours.”

“Ok,” I said, “You can turn around now.”

“So, she’s worried about my butt?” I asked mum who smiled sadly at the notion and nodded her head, “Not just yours. I don’t think but, yes. She made it very clear she was very concerned.”

“Well tell her that my butt is ok I guess,” I told mum.

What else was I supposed to tell her to let Cat know? That my butt was used to it? That it hurt but only briefly because I was a whore? That my butt was just tired of having things shoved into it?

“Is it ok?” She asked me suddenly making me balk at her.

“Huh…mum I’m not talking about that with you,” I answered.

“John I’m your mother. I used to change the diaper on that too,” she pointed out.

“Well, yeah they are in the same vicinity,” I replied, “That doesn’t mean I want to discuss my anal health with you though.”

“Are you ok though? Do I need to have Vic…”?

“No mum, really. If there was something wrong that someone needed to look at I would tell you. I hardly ever bleed anymore ok? Just let it go like seriously,” I told her.

“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “Do I need to worry about anyone else?”

“Check on Mike and Matt,” I told her, “Their small enough that at that age sometimes you bleed for days. So just…ask them if they’re ok.”

“Why wouldn’t they be ok?” She asked me her eyes going wide with worry.

“Mum, do you not remember?” I asked her.

“Remember what?” She asked me.

“Thursday. Thursday was thanksgiving and Da had a bunch of people over, right?” I asked her.

I looked at her closely her eyes fogging with confusion. Whatever they had her on it had her in and out of lucidity. Knowing one second what was going on and the next seeming clueless as to what was happening. I sighed wishing Pat was there, that I wasn’t the one explaining that those men had been there to rape us after she had gone to sleep for the evening. That those people weren’t good people.

“Yes, I remember,” she said, “What about it? Surely you’re not telling me Lionel is like that?”

I didn’t say anything and she frowned. I wasn’t sure I could let her know that. She liked Lionel. I don’t know why she did still. That brain washing must have worked because she found him interesting and charming and helpful. When after they drugged her during the holidays he was taking her kids down into her husband’s sex dungeon some of her youngest sons and doing unspeakable things to them. Hurting them in ways they shouldn’t be hurt, that no one should be hurt.

“Mum, Da doesn’t hang out with anyone who isn’t like that as far as I know,” I answered.

“Is that why you won’t tell me who is hurting you? Because it’s someone I know?” She asked me.

“It doesn’t matter. If I tell you or not it’s not going to stop. Da wants it that way and he always gets what he wants. You know that. You knowing who it is won’t stop it from happening. So, there isn’t any point in me giving you a name. You can’t keep him away from me. You’ll just get yourself hit and drugged up worse than you are and I’ll…it won’t end up good ok?” I said twitching slightly as I thought of what Leo had done last time he had gotten super mad at me. The sounding and vibrator at the same time before allowing Hank to join us in the bedroom.

“I talked to Vic and he’s going to work on getting us out again. However, you need to be careful who you talk to. I’m thinking we’ll stay away from Montana. That we might even leave and go back home,” she said to me.

“Mum, we can’t,” I told her shaking my head.

“Yes, we can and we will,” she answered me, “I’m not going to keep us trapped here. I’m going to do everything I can to get us out of this shit situation. In the mean time I need you to…,” She paused grabbing my hand making sure I was paying attention. Making sure I was looking in her eyes said, “I need you to do me a favor.”

“What?” I asked.

What type of favor would she need from me that I wasn’t already giving her? I helped with the babies, I did well in school. I made sure I helped Alice and Debbie take care of the house and what not. I had no social life because all of my free time was spent with the babies if I wasn’t with Da and his sick friends or Leo other than Monday and Thursday afternoons with Pat and Cole if Cole wanted to come.

“Well you’re Da is getting more…aggressive in his pursuits of everyone. Not just Cat but everyone from what I understand and your uncle Ben too so …could you try to draw their attention a bit more? I know that’s unfair and I hate asking you that but do you think that if you see either of them talking to anyone being…that way with anyone you could…distract them?” She asked me.

“Mum are you asking me to…?” I had to close my eyes.

HOW DARE SHE? So now I was just a whore to her too? Pretty soon that’s how Pat and everyone else would see me as well if that’s all she saw. What exactly did she expect me to do to draw their attention that I wasn’t already doing? Walk around naked?  
“What exactly do you want me to do? Walk around naked?” I hissed at her.

“I didn’t mean it like that exactly. I just meant keep their attention,” she said.

“How mum? How do you expect me to do that? Like I don’t already do everything I can to make sure they are leaving them alone? Like I haven’t spent my whole life doing that? What about you? Why don’t you try and keep Da’s attention?” I asked her.

“I think that question is one you shouldn’t be asking and I do,” she told me.

“Really? So, it’s ok for you to ask me if I’m putting out but not for me to ask you?” I hissed, “Nice.”

“Don’t say putting out. It’s not the same,” she said.

“Really? Tell that to him mum, tell that to him,” I said shaking my head, “You know what he …”

“What he what love?” She asked me.

“Nothing mum,” I said shaking my head.

“No tell me, please?” She begged.

“He doesn’t see me as his son. Ok? He doesn’t see me that way. He sees me as, I don’t know but it’s not as his son ok? He makes me have sex with him all the time, in this bed right here. He brought this for him. So, he could spend the night with me when he wants to. I fucking hate this bed. Mum you and I in his mind we’re equals ok? We both…”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true. You’re his son. He loves you like a son. He’s just confused,” she insisted.

“No mum. He’s not confused. He told me he had wished that he had someone like me when he was my age. That he would have preferred…he once told me that you were work and I was play. That I’m fun while you’re…duty,” I told her.

“When did he say that?” She asked me.

“I don’t know. A while ago,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

By then I was completely numb. I had to be. If I hadn’t been I would have run into my bathroom and thrown up before downing all the mouth wash and then running down stairs and downing all the alcohol in the house. Admitting what I knew what mum knew somewhere deep down and didn’t want to admit was hard.

“If you didn’t know that was true you wouldn’t have asked me to sleep with them to get them to leave everyone else alone,” I said not able to look at her.

“I’m telling you I didn’t…”

“You did. You know somewhere deep down you did. I’ll do it ok? I’ll keep doing but, admit it. Admit it that you know that’s what he thinks of me mum and that he shouldn’t,” I said.

“Since I walked in on you two standing the hallway last year. After I came here from home. I’d never seen him look at anyone like that but, but me,” she said barely above a whisper.

“Everyone knows mum,” I said, “Will, Mike, Matt, James even Cat knows. And I don’t know how to explain it or why he…because he shouldn’t and I don’t,” I said.

“I know love. I know. He’s sick ok? He’s very sick. I don’t know what to do anymore. Other than get us all away, far away where he can’t find us,” she said.

“We’ve already tired that. Maybe if you leave…”

“No. I would never leave you. Not ever. Don’t even think that,” she said forcefully, “You’re my baby. My first baby and I would never leave you here.”

“It would be the only way to make sure he left everyone else alone. Was if he had me,” I said.

“I don’t think that’s true. I think he would still look for us even if you stayed,” Mum said, “I’m sorry I asked that of you. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“That one is better than all of us suffering and I agree. I try you know? I do, I just…you don’t know what it’s like mum. All of them. They keep me so tired all the time,” I told her.

“Who are they, love? Please tell me,” She asked again.

“Well you know about Da and Ben and Hank. But everyone da invited to thanksgiving. Lionel too but Lionel usually leaves me alone he’s into younger guys,” I said her face paling and her hand covering her mouth as she nodded for me to continue, “Arthur usually leaves me alone too because apparently, I behave the way they want me to. He like to punish people and they don’t let him punish you if you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“And my Dr.?” She asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. What did she want me to say? Yeah mum Leo’s fucking me? No, he’s more interested in Will? What?

“I don’t know what to say,” I answered.

“Is he one of them?” She asked me.

“I won’t lie about it. If that’s what you’re wondering,” I answered.

“So, he is?” She asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Is he the one who…?” She started to ask.

“I told you. I’m not telling you who that is,” I replied.

“How does that work anyway?” She asked me.

“While the kids Da and the person who is interested in the kid sit down and they put together this like thing with rules that they have written down and they both sign it. Hence contract and they are called Contract holders. Say like Hank wanted to buy a painting. Da says ok you can have my painting but you can’t hang it in your bathroom and you can only look at it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The rest of the week it’s my painting still, I’ll keep it in my house and if you want to visit it on those days you have to wear gloves and goggles and can only view it between 1 and 5 o’clock.” I told her, “it’s kind of like that a little bit. And then Da would be like if you agree to this you pay me 50,000 dollars and this will be the arrangement for one year or whatever.”

“So, it’s like a co-ownership type of thing only with children instead of paintings?” She asked me.

“Yeah pretty much,” I said, “Money isn’t always exchanged from what I understand but in most cases, it is.”

“So, you’re Da sold you to whomever it is you don’t want to tell me about?” She asked me.

“I haven’t asked but I’m pretty sure,” I answered her, “I don’t think it matters either way. Da is in charge so I have to do what he says.”

“I’m sorry I did this to you. To all of you. I can’t believe I did this to you. How could I have been so…careless? The moment he let your uncle touch you I should have taken you guys and left. I should have gone to my parents and stayed there. Forget about what he was doing, by the time he was doing it too it was too late. When Ben started I should have left. I was still so young though, so stupid. I was 24 with five little boys and little girl on the way and I know that’s no excuse and I’m so sorry,” she said.

“Mum I know you’re sorry,” I said, “It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not. And what I asked you just then that’s not ok either, John I’m sorry,” she said.

“What if we went somewhere off grid? Like South America or Africa somewhere?” I asked her, “Do you think that would work?”

“I don’t know,” Mum answered, “Last time I could have gone anywhere but I heard the plains was a good place. It was quiet and still rural enough he might not find us. Cost of living was cheap and things would be manageable with help. And we got by, didn’t we?”

“Barely,” I told her, “If it weren’t for the free summer day camp program you know we wouldn’t have. Not with the babies too. You were always working or sleeping and Will and I were overwhelmed once school got out. Heather was helpful there and Jason.”  
“Have you talked to her since you left? Emailed her? Anything?” Mum asked me.

“No, last thing I said to her was … I told her why we left. What Da did to me. That was the last time I heard from her.” I said.

“That’s a shame. She was a sweet girl,” Mum said.

“Yeah well, she probably didn’t think that much of me once she found out what I’d done,” I sighed, “Mum I’m tired. Can I go to sleep?”

“What did you do?” She asked me.

“Nothing,” I sighed, “I’m really tired. Please?”

“Sure, I love you,” she said giving me a kiss on the cheek, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I said as she turned off the light and shut my bedroom door.

I cried myself to sleep. I had a dream. A strange dream. It was a picture of us, our family and then it started to bleed. The blood was dark and thick and menacing gathering at a point under the picture on the wall. A whisper started. Slight at first.  
Voices I couldn’t make out saying something but as the spot on the wall blossomed growing thicker and bigger the voices got louder until they were screaming filling every space entirely. The spot where the blood was collecting pulsing to life beating almost like a heart. Blood, more blood spraying everywhere with each scream and each beat “LIES!” it shrieked. LIES!!

I woke up in a cold sweat. I felt dizzy and really sick everything feeling like it had a dark red tint. I didn’t move. Just curled into a ball because even though I felt sick. I thought the world was going to melt around me if I moved. That I was going to faint. I reached my hand out and noticed how badly it was shaking as I lifted the water bottle from the night stand and to my lips taking a big drink wishing it was an alcoholic one.

I don’t remember falling back to sleep. Only waking up to my alarm. My head pounding, the water bottle up against my side under the covers. I really didn’t feel good and couldn’t even begin to guess what it was from.

I showered allowing the water to make me as clean as it could. Knowing that it wasn’t clean enough. When I got dressed I went out to the kitchen and Alice set a fruit salad a hardboiled egg and a can of boost in front of me and I sighed and rolled my eyes at her.

“Doctors orders and your mama’s. Now eat it all,” she warned me.

“I’m not hungry,” I told her right before my stomach grumbled.

“I’m not paid to hear I’m not hungry. Now, show an example for them babies we all look after and eat some breakfast,” she said to which I popped the top on the boost and took a sip, “Better. Now I want it all gone.”

“Yes ma’am,” I answered quietly.

I drank all the boost. The chalky vanilla taste filling up my gut to an uncomfortable level and managed to eat my egg as well but the rest of it I left untouched. I immediately wanted it gone. Wanted it out of my stomach. The feeling of the food digesting weighing me down, making me feel heavy. Making it hard to sit still because if I sat still I could feel it sitting there, feel my stomach churning making me want to get it up.

I didn’t stick around for anything once I had my book bag over my shoulder walking to the corner to the bus stop moving back and forth hopping from one foot to the next looking around for a spot. It wasn’t something I had ever done outside before or somewhere I might get caught but I had to. I had to find a place anyplace to get it gone because it was making me sick. Just knowing it was in there was making me sick.

I spotted the neighbors gate open and went back there bending over in the corner of their backyard and sticking my fingers down my throat spewing some of it but not all. Just enough that it gave me some relief. Enough relief that I could stand being in my skin for the moment. I sighed standing up and going over to the bus stop to find Pat and Cole standing there looking around for me.

“Hey,” Pat said giving me a weird look, “What were you doing back there?”

“Nothing, just thought I saw something weird so I went to go check it out,” I answered.

“You don’t look so good,” Cole commented, “Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be fine why?” I asked.

“You look really clammy like maybe you’re sick. Were you throwing up?” He asked me, “Because if you are you should go home.”

Pat looked at me his eyes going wide, “You weren’t, were you?”

“No babe, no,” I said trying to keep my tell from showing. Trying to keep him from knowing, from worrying.

“What happened yesterday anyway?” Cole asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“I was upset when I came home,” Pat explained, “He asked me what was wrong and I told him he had to ask you. And then I made a phone call…. that he overheard.”

“Oh,” I sighed, “Do I have to explain Cole?”

“Well, I’m worried,” Cole said, “You know I care about you. And Pat is like my brother so whatever is going on I wish you would tell me.”

“Leo,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“I doubt Pat would call Leo and tell him he was going to fucking kill him. Or Dick for that matter. So, who was that phone call to?”

“I’m not…I can’t. I know you’re asking because you care but I can’t right now ok? Can you understand that?” I asked.

“Ok,” Cole said, “I hope at some point when you feel you can talk about it, you’ll tell me what it is.”

“I will I promise. There’s just a lot going on right now. A lot happened after Pat left and I just…I’m trying to work it out in my head.”

“Like what?” Pat asked me.

“Well, mum and I had a long talk about somethings,” I answered.

“About what?” Cole asked.

“Da,” I answered.

“Oh, well isn’t that a talk you guys kind of needed to have? Have needed to have for a while?” Cole asked me.

“We talked about a little back in Montana. What he did to our relationship. Mine and mum’s and but, that’s really all we had talked about it until last night.” I said, “We talked about well first she said some stuff that I don’t know. And then she took it back and I told her to admit it. Admit what she said and that she said it because she knows he would rather…yeah.”

“Be with you than with her?” Cole asked to clarify and I nodded my head, “Did she?”

“She told me the exact moment she knew. That it was after we came back. She saw the look on his face when he looked at me and she knew,” I answered.

“Are you ready to deal with this assembly talking about how to stay holy during the holidays?” Cole asked me as the bus pulled up.

We walked down the aisle towards the back of the bus. I sighed. What was it they could tell me that we help keep me “on the path” to god? None of it made any sense and when did God ever do anything for me?

“What exactly do they expect us to do? Forsake our lord and savior Satan? I can’t do that,” Cole laughed.

“How can they expect you to be more holy John? You’re already on your knees all the time,” Dick said over hearing our conversation.

“No, I believe that’s you,” Pat spat, “Go sit somewhere else.”

“What? Didn’t have fun yesterday?” Dick asked me.

“Dick could you please just…” Cole started.

“Well, I was going to but apparently someone likes talking…so maybe I shouldn’t until he learns to shut his mouth.”

“He didn’t say anything about yesterday. You just did you dipshit,” Pat hissed.

“You didn’t? That embarrassed by me?” Dick taunted.

“Stop it,” I barely muttered.

“I do believe you said that yesterday too,” Dick said, “A lot actually.”

“Dick, you need to stop. That’s not coming from Pat or John that’s coming from me. You need to knock the fuck off right now because you might think you’re funny but you’re really fucking not,” Cole warned.

“Fine, whatever,” Dick said surprising me and turning around in his seat.

I couldn’t figure out why he would taunt me and harass me but the moment Cole said something about it he would shut up. It wasn’t the first time Dick had responded to Cole that way but I still didn’t understand it any better than I had before.

“I think it’s mostly going to be about drunk driving during the holidays or something equally normal but boring,” Cole said.

“Maybe,” Pat answered, “Probably. Do you know where Dom is?”

“Probably home, sick” I answered, “I have no clue but he misses a lot of school. So, it’s not surprising that he would be.”

“Yeah, he’s home sick all right,” Dick replied without turning around to look at us.

“What does that mean?” Pat asked him.

“Nothing, you’ll see,” Dick teased.

“What do you know that we don’t?” Cole asked all of us feeling confused.

“Does it really matter at this point?” Dick said.

“Huh, yeah. He’s our friend if you know something you should tell us,” Pat said.

“What will you do for me if I do?” He asked looking at me making me shift uncomfortably.

“You’re not talking to him. You’re talking to me,” Pat told him, “Now let us know what’s up.”

“You’ll find out. I promise,” Dick said as the bus pulled into the depo.

Headmaster Watson was standing there. That was weird. We all knew he was brotherhood but we hardly ever saw him unless we got into serious trouble at school. That was basically never unless you were Cole who tended to be hyperactive and had no problem telling people he was fabulously gay at a catholic all boys school or you liked to throw punches like some of the other guys for no reason.

“Kingly, Gable, Swartzman and McGregor I need you all to get on bus number four you’re going on the field trip,” he said looking at us.

“What?” Pat asked confused.

“Huh oh,” Dick said, “Someone got in trouble.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“Get on the bus,” Watson said not really answering anyone’s questions just pointing at the bus. Pat lead the way sighing heavily grabbing Cole’s hand and squeezing it. I didn’t know what was happening, what was going on.

I felt my chest tighten as I got on the bus looking at everyone around us. Alec, Chad, Brodric, Wallace, Alex and a couple others I didn’t know the names of. Something big was happening. All of us together on a bus? Something bad had to be happening.


	45. 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets on a bus that feels like it's heading to hell where he learns more about what's going on before he is confronted by someone from his past while Dick and Chad continue to bully him as well as Dom. He learns about the color system and gets into a very scary situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 947 to 975. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, bullying, mental health issues**

“What’s going on?” I asked Pat quietly.

“A tenure,” Pat said, “Don’t talk. Just sit and do what you’re told.”

I had never heard Pat talk to me like that. Not ever. This was dead serious. Someone had gotten in trouble or the bowl had been filled with names. The names of bottoms who had somehow committed some type of offense against the brotherhood. I sat down in a seat not too far from Pat and Cole as Tosh and a couple others I didn’t know the names of got onto the bus. Once everyone that he was waiting for was on the bus the door closed behind him and he sighed.

“Ok I don’t want to hear any talking. If I hear anyone speaking over the music than I am going to add a slip with your name on it to the bowl,” he hissed as he turned on the radio and someone tapped on the bus window. It was Father McClairen.

“I got someone to cover for me,” he said as Watson opened the door for him and he climbed on.

“Ok you get to make sure everyone is quiet,” he said, “Don’t be mean.”

“I won’t I promise. We’re coming back for the younger ones after this right?” He asked as Watson turned on the radio and the rest of the conversation was drowned out by an Elvis song.

“What’s going to happen?” I asked.

“They are going to pull the bowl to the front of the ball room once everyone is there. That will be this evening though. Right now, we just kind of have to go there and…it’ll be like a party. It’ll be bad,” Pat said quietly.

“Will I have a sponsor?” I asked remembering my last party. How they had forced me to do those horrible things. How I hated every second of it.

“They don’t do sponsors for tenures,” Pat answered. “If you’re lucky you’ll get a bedroom. You probably will you’re untouchable so…but most threes and twos and ones we’ll be out in the open doing whatever. Just try and go away in your head ok? That’s all we can do. They’ll be mostly gentle but there’s going to be a lot of people there. A lot of guys there. So just keep your distance from like Chad and Dick and all of those guys because no one is paying attention to them. They’re going to be too busy.

“You think that’s where Dom is?” I asked.

“Oh, I know that’s where Dom is,” Pat sighed, “I think he’s probably fine. I don’t think he would do anything to get himself into trouble bad enough to end up in the bowl more than a handful of times. I mean he’s fine other than the obvious that’s apparent though.”

“I can’t do this,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t do this.”

“We have to. The morning there will be like no one in the holding room pretty much if they are grabbing us in shifts. It means that in about an hour or two Will is going to be on his way and then Mike, Matt and James. So that should be fun. However, James might not be pulled because most in his age group aren’t branded and mostly they like taking only us so…,” 

“So, this is like everyone?” I asked, “Ones to five? Everyone all age groups?”

“Yeah that’s what happens. Each age group has its own holding room though, so you don’t really have to worry too much about crowding. I hate these ones it’s hard. All the screaming from the younger kids. It’s hard to listen to,” Pat told me.

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean,” I said quietly as Gus walked down the bus aisle towards us.

I felt my air catch. I didn’t want him near me. I wasn’t ready for any of this, not yet. Not on a bus full of people and I couldn’t watch him do it to Pat either. This was bad. But he just eyed us whispering quietly to each other Pat in the seat in front of me his face turned towards me and then Dick followed him down the aisle and sat next to me.

“What are you doing?” Pat asked him.

“Protecting an asset,” Dick said cocking his head towards me, “My Dad doesn’t pay to have his investments mean nothing.”

“Shut up,” I said.

“Really? You just told me to shut up? I could always shove your face in my lap if you like. They wouldn’t stop me. Or I could do that same to you. Either way you’d be the one shutting up real fast,” he taunted.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head as Pat said the same thing only more forcefully, surer of himself.

Pat was always surer of himself. Surer of what he wanted to say where I got tongue tied constantly. That’s why very often I didn’t speak unless it was to beg and plead for them to stop. Because I knew if they asked me questioned or tried to talk to me I’d get nervous, and I felt like I didn’t make sense. I felt like nothing made sense very often. 

“Neither one of you could stop me if I wanted to. I do have permission from my Dad. I could…” He put his hand on my inner thigh uncomfortably close to my crotch.

“Stop,” I told him grabbing his hand trying to pull it off me.

“Why should I? Neither one of you can stop me. You’re mine. I could have you suck my cock right here and neither one of them nor anyone else on this bus would stop me. Not anyone because they don’t want their names to end up in that bowl another time before the drawing,” Dick said.

“No,” I shook my head, “Get off me.”

“Would you stop me Pat? Would you risk dying for him?” He asked Pat pushing me back so hard my head hit the window. The feeling of the impact vibrating through my skull as my hand went to brace the back of my head and he somehow managed to practically climb into my lap.

“Rich leave me alone,” I begged his hands on my neck as he managed to tower over me straddling my waist his weight supported by his knees on either side of my body.

“Just relax. It’ll be fun. Everyone can watch. It’ll be a little show.”

“No,” I begged trying to push him away as Pat closed his eyes clenching his fist.

Pat couldn’t do anything to help me. He knew he couldn’t and I knew he couldn’t. The only thing we could do was make sure we didn’t shout over the music or really draw attention to ourselves. Which meant I had to keep quiet. To not push back too hard. To not draw attention, to not ask for help. I had to let him do whatever it was he wanted to me in order to keep my name out of a bowl that could mean I was going to get tortured probably to death.

“No,” I begged again as he kissed my cheek and then my neck, “Rich stop, please stop. Please.”

I pushed at him as hard as I could people starting to take notice but no one saying anything. No one helping me. He was going to rape me on the bus and no one was going to stop him. No one was going to help me. 

“Come on it’s just a game. Just to see how long it takes before someone does something,” Dick hissed in my ear as he nibbled on my ear lobe.

“Stop it,” I pleaded as I pushed at him. Every push felt like it was making him heavier against my body, pushing me down more like bricks on my chest.

“But it’s so fun to hear you whine,” he said smiling down at me as I continued to struggle, to push at him. My hand on his face trying to keep it away from me which only caused him to grab my arms and pin them to my sides, “I wouldn’t if I were you. You struggle to hard you’ll get someone’s attention and we wouldn’t want that would we?”

Just than someone cleared their throat and we looked up to see Gus staring down at us. His arms crossed, an annoyed look on his face, “I don’t care if he’s your Dad’s or not Rich. You need to wait until we get to the villa ok? You can’t just grab any cock you feel like anytime you want. It doesn’t work like that. There are cars that we’re riding past who can see what you are doing through that window so keep your hands to yourself? Understand?”

“Sorry sir,” Rich said getting off me allowing me to breathe again. He left the seat moving to a different seat near Chad and his group of friends who chatted quietly amongst themselves.

“You ok?” Gus asked me.

“Thank you, Father,” I said not looking up at him. Ashamed and afraid to see the look in his eyes. The look that would tell me he had wanted Rich to keep going or had wanted to trade places with him.

“No problem. Just behave and be quite ok?” He said to me. I nodded my head in response.

Everyone was still watching me, their eyes asking me questions. Why didn’t I fight back? What did I do to draw his attention? Did I talk to him? Did I look at him? Why would I be so stupid?

Pat turned a looked at me, “Are you ok? Did he hurt you? Did he…?”

“Just kissed me a little, felt me up,” I answered in barely a whisper.

“I’m sorry I looked away. I just couldn’t…I couldn’t watch that. And I couldn’t stop it so I just…,” I cut him off.

“No, I get it,” I answered, “It’s ok. I’m ok really.”

“Come sit with me?” He asked me as Cole decided to scoot over as well giving me room in their seat which I moved to.

“Did everyone see that?” I asked him.

“Well, yeah. I think,” Pat said, “No one will say anything about it though. I promise. We’ve all been there. Every one of us. I can point out some of the guys you don’t really know. It might help putting some names to the stares.”

“Ok,” I answered quietly.

I wasn’t sure it would help at all. Knowing who had watched Dick feel me up. His hands all over my clothes as I tried to push him away. To get him to stop as I begged him to stop. I didn’t want to know all their names. at least, not really but I needed something else to think about other than where we were heading.

“Cool,” Pat slipped his hand into mine squeezing it causing me to sigh in relief, “Ok that guy across from us with the blond hair his name is Heath he’s 15 and he’s sitting next to Terry who is 16. I don’t really talk to them but you know, whatever. I’ve known them since I was like 6 or so. Behind them is Tao and Keith they are both 17 and they tend to hang out with only each other. Obviously, you know Chad and the guy next to him with the brown hair is Reid and he’s an asshole he’s like 17 as well. Then you know Wallace behind them and no one wants to hang around him. Two seats away from us is Brodric which you know him Alec is beside him and then you have Steven and Claudio. The guy in the back is Clive. Him and Claud are twins in case you couldn’t tell and in the seat across from him is Corbin. And next to Corbin is Jack. Behind Jack who you probably can’t really see is Chen and next to Chen is one of the Murphy triplets. They are all kind of the same really you have Marco, Mason and Myles. After them is the other Alec who I think you’ve had some classes with.

“Marco Murphy?” I asked raising an eyebrow, “That poor guy.”

“It’s no worse than Mason Murphy or Myles Murphy,” Pat said.

“True,” I answered.

“Yeah that’s everyone though. Everyone here is a 3 and up. You, Wallace and Dick are the only fives. Everyone else is around a four I think maybe one or two twos,” Pat said.

“Dom’s a two,” I told him.

“Yeah I know. Twos are adopted. Threes are in a lower income bracket like huh I guess everyone at school would consider them scholarship kids.” Pat said.

“Are the twos going to be there and ones?” I asked.

“Yeah. If they are doing a draw, yeah. Most of them are already there though. I can promise you. That’s why Dom isn’t here. Most of the twos are homeschooled and most of the ones don’t…” I cut Pat off.

“Go to school anyway? I know. I was in the hospital with mostly ones. They all hated me pretty much. Besides Adam,” I answered.

“Well to be honest some of them probably wanted to fuck you and were mad they couldn’t. The others think you probably had it better than they do but then again they only ever see the webcam pointed at them and not the website they are posted on because they don’t have computer access,” Cole piped up letting us know he was listening.

“There was this one guy named Eric who…he said some not so nice things sometimes. One minute it was I hate you because you have it so easy and then I can show you what it’s like for us. Mix Chocolate with Vanilla. It was…I didn’t like it.” I answered.  
“Oh,” Cole made a face, “That doesn’t sound appealing at all. I don’t think he was talking about Ice cream.”

“He wasn’t,” I answered.

“You never told me that,” Pat said squeezing my hand.

“There wasn’t any point,” I answered, “I think he just did it to freak me out. To upset me because you know it wasn’t like I was there because…because of them. We were all there because of them.”

“I wish I could stop this from happening,” Pat said quietly.

“Do you think they’ll let him? You know…?” I asked quietly.

“You mean Dick? I have no idea why?” Pat asked me.

“I think Dick has the hots for him,” Cole muttered.

“Cole would you please? I don’t think you’re helping make him less nervous,” Pat said.

“Him less nervous what about me? You know how long it’s been since I’ve had my ass used by 20 guys in one day?” Cole scoffed.

“20?” I asked feeling numbness wash over me so I didn’t panic.

“It’s not going to be that many and not all at once or all in a row,” Pat said shooting Cole a dirty look on his other side.

“I’ve never…not like that,” I said.

“It was a bit of an exaggeration,” Cole admitted, “Sorry. I’m just trying to…I don’t know. I wish I wasn’t going to the Villa. I hate that place. I don’t know it’s scary, all right? I’m just cracking jokes because I’m nervous even if they are horrible ones. I’m not trying to scare you John. I’m sorry.”

“I’m less scared of your jokes and more scared of what’s going to happen to me, to my brothers,” I said.

“Why? Because of Wallace or just in general?” Cole asked.

“Both I guess. Wallace told me he’s not into forcing people to do things with him but that he finds Will to be…appealing. That and Dick and those guys don’t like him because he’s not into being rough. I told him I thought he was sick and that he needed help and that Will would never say yes to that. Not ever and he won’t. I know he wouldn’t,” I said.

“Speaking of Will how is he doing?” Cole asked me.

“He’s huh, he’s all right I think. He says that he doesn’t have a problem with me. That he’s ok that when…god I hate talking about this,” I sighed.

“It’s ok you don’t have to. I just wanted to know if he was ok. I mean I’ve been hanging out with Tosh a lot lately so I haven’t really talked to him in a while. Not since things have changed.”

“Wallace scares the shit out of him,” I mentioned.

“Well Wallace scares the shit of me and he doesn’t corner me in bathrooms,” Cole murmured looking back at Wallace who was snoring in his own seat his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. His mouth open, his chin resting on his chest making it look like he had no neck.

“Have you like ever been cornered in the bathroom? It’s not pleasant,” I told Cole.

“I haven’t,” Cole said, “And I hope that I never do get cornered in the bathroom. Not like that anyway. I mean things happen in bathrooms all the time but, you know…” Cole said looking forward smiling like an idiot in Tosh’s direction.

“Is that why you two aren’t sitting together?” Pat asked, “Because you’re having issues keeping your hands to yourself?”

“Today I am, yes,” Cole admitted, “He thought it would be a better idea to sit apart and try to just stay away from each other for right now. I think that would probably be a good idea for you two as well.”

“We will once we get there,” Pat said, “You can switch me with Will. Tosh and I will keep Will company and you can hang out with John and Dom.”

“That is if they keep us all in the same holding Cell. Will might be in a different one you know? He is 11 so he’s not quite what they consider a teen but he’s not really a kid either. It all depends on how they want to split the groups,” Cole told Pat.

“I’d rather have him in a different room then. I don’t want to have to worry about some of the older guys that are here doing stuff to him. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them with me let alone any of them,” I said looking back at Chad and Dick who had gone quiet.

“They won’t get too nasty. This is mostly just about other stuff,” Cole said.

“Other stuff?” I asked.

What did he mean by other stuff? Other stuff didn’t sound good. Other stuff sounded bad. It sounded super bad it sounded like what Dick wanted to do with me, what my Da enjoyed doing and Leo. Other stuff didn’t sound painful in a physical way but more painful than I could handle.

“Hey, Rabbit it’s ok. I’m right here and you’re ok,” Pat said.

“What?” I asked feeling numb.

“You’re shaking. What do you think Cole meant by other stuff?” Pat asked me quietly.

“You know…just stuff,” I said.

“That stuff that you don’t like?” Pat asked me.

I nodded my head. I hated that stuff. I hated it so much it made my skin crawl made me wish I was dead. And here I was sitting on a bus heading towards that. Heading towards so many hands all over my body, tongues on my skin, mouths on my…I couldn’t deal with that I couldn’t.

“Huh, shit,” Cole muttered, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant like it was about handlers not really trackers. Not like super weird stuff that they do sometimes.”

“You shouldn’t lie,” Someone said spinning around and then moving from two seats in front of us to the seat directly in front of us, “Just be honest about it.”

“He’s panicking Heath. He doesn’t need to hear about it,” Pat said.

“He needs to know what he’s in for. They are going to tie you down to a table or bed and they are going to suck your dick until it’s bruised and shove their fingers up your ass until you can’t speak anymore because they keep hitting against your prostate. Then one or two of them will probably bury their face in your asshole and then fuck you. So yeah, it’s all about sex. But most of it is about making you scream and then punishing you if you say no or tell them to stop. You’re better off if you put duct tape over your own mouth so you can’t speak,” Heath said his eyes never leaving my face.

“John, listen to me. It’s ok all right? You’re going to be ok,” Pat said firmly.

“I don’t…” I tried to speak but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I didn’t like it when they did those things because they hurt me in ways I couldn’t explain. They made me hate myself.

“Hey, I know you don’t ok? I know. Remember it’s me. I know and I swear to you I will be right there with you when we’re in the holding room if you need me ok? Dom is going to be there and Cole. We’re all going to be there. Just try not to think about it yet. Try to think about something else,” Pat cooed to me quietly.

I could already feel them on my skin. I could hear one of them barking the orders at me to take off my clothes and another one pushing me backwards onto the bed and climbing on top of me. Telling me I was perfect, that I felt good. That my skin tasted good. I could feel them doing things I didn’t want and hear them saying things I didn’t want. I needed air. I needed to get away, to go somewhere I could breathe but I couldn’t. I was on a bus on the way to hell and there was no escape.

“Woah, whoa calm down, calm down….” I heard suddenly before I realized I was in a different seat by myself Gus behind me talking to me my head out the window as I took deep gulps of air rushing by.

I pulled my head back in and sat down only then realizing how hard my chest was heaving. How hard it was to breathe as my heart pounded against my chest like someone trying to break down a locked door. Everyone staring at me. Some of the other guys whispering to each other and smiling as if it were the funniest thing in the world.

“Just relax,” Gus said still standing beside me. Half way in the seat with me, half way in the aisle.

“I don’t feel very good,” I stammered.

“I can see that. You need to just breathe. You’re going to be fine,” Gus prompted me.

“How did I get over here?” I asked starting to cry a little bit, “I don’t remember.”

“You walked over here. Are you feeling confused?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to be here. I know I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do anything like that. Don’t make me please.” I begged looking at him.

“Can you tell me what your name is?” Gus asked me.

“My full name?” I asked.

“Yes, your full name,” Gus answered nodding his head.

“Johnathan Martin Patrick Christopher McGregor,” I answered.

“Ok, do you know what day it is?” Gus asked.

“Tuesday,” I answered.

“And the date?”

“I-I-I’m not sure.”

“Ok that’s all right. Do you know who the president is?” He asked me.

“Bill Clinton,” I answered.

“Do you know where you are?” He asked.

“A school bus.”

“Do you know what’s happening?”

“I’m going to…I don’t want to go there. Don’t make me do that. Please, don’t make me do that.”

“Ok, listen. You don’t have to do anything, John ok? You don’t have to do anything. Just calm down. Everything is ok. Just calm down,” Gus said quietly.

“Ok,” I nodded my head closing my eyes, “You promise?”

“I promise,” Gus said.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head starting to feel myself calm down, “Ok.”

“Good, how about you go sit with your friends again, all right? Just relax. Don’t worry about it ok?” He coaxed.

“Ok,” I told him walking over and sitting back down next to Pat.

“What was that?” Pat asked me.

“I don’t know. I just felt like I needed air, like nothing made sense. And I can’t get off the bus so I just…I don’t know,” I said.

“You’re ok though?” Pat asked.

“Yeah I just…I don’t know.”

“We’re not going to be there anytime soon. You should probably just lay back and try to nap. It might make you feel a little better,” Pat told me.

“No,” I said, “I know he’s lying but. I don’t know. I hope he’s not. Is that weird?”

“Technically he’s not lying. All you have to do really is lay there,” Heath muttered.

“Heath shut up. Dear lord man you’re not going to help telling him that. He already knows that ok? He’s just having trouble processing it. He has anxiety about it ok? Just like the rest of us,” Pat said.

“Yeah well, the rest of us have it just as bad so I don’t know why he’s so fucking special,” Heath said.

“Yeah and we’ve been doing it longer then he has. He just got here last year remember? How old were you Heath the first time someone other than your Dad put their hands on you? Three? Four? John hasn’t had that. The first time someone outside of his family touched him he was 12 ok? So, shut the fuck up. Quit being so angry with the fact he’s freaking out. This is his 3rd or 4th time at the Villa ok?” Pat hissed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” Heath started to say but Pat cut him off.

“Yeah well you didn’t bother to ask now did you? And it’s not like we all talk about it. It’s not something anyone likes talking about. Shut up and leave him alone, quit making it worse,” Pat said.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here please,” I said quietly.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t meaning to,” Pat told me.

“I know it’s just people say stuff about me when I’m right there that they shouldn’t talk about. So, I just kind of don’t like it,” I told him.

“I was just explaining it to him,” Pat said.

“I know. I was four you know? Or three. I don’t remember Da told me. He told me in front of everyone all of them. Leo, Your dad, Art, the leader everyone.”

“I’m sorry,” Pat said, “I was young I think. It didn’t get worse until mom walked away though.”

“I’m tired,” I sighed. Not wanting to talk about the topic anymore. Not wanting to think about where we were all heading. To that damn prison that was basically a gilded cage.

“Just lay your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. Try to fall asleep,” Pat told me.

“But won’t we…?” Pat broke me off.

“Get in trouble? No. not for that. Not as long as my arm isn’t around you. We’ll be fine. They won’t think anything of it,” Pat told me, “Just lay your head down? Ok?”

“Ok,” I said sighing as I laid my head on his shoulder and he went quiet. 

I didn’t really fall asleep but listened to the music around me with my eyes closed. At some point Gus made an announcement and everyone that wasn’t sleeping had to put a bag over their head. I kept my eyes closed not wanting them to know I was awake. The bags over the head meant we were 20 minutes out. That in 20 minutes every boy on this bus was going to stripped naked and raped. It took everything in my being to keep my eyes closed. Because if I opened my eyes they would know I was awake and then I wouldn’t have the option of opening my eyes to see anything, I would have my sight stolen from me.

When the bus came to a stop Gus told everyone they could remove the coverings from their faces and Pat tapped me on the shoulder, “It’s ok now you can move.”

“You knew I wasn’t sleeping?” I whispered back.

“Yeah, your breathing wasn’t deep enough. You’ve fallen asleep on me enough times for me to be able to tell the difference between calm John and I’m sleeping John,” Pat told me, “We’ll be ok. Just try and check out and you’ll be fine I promise.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve done this a million times,” I reminded him.

“Not a million but enough. We’ll get some breaks. Don’t worry about it,” he told me.

“Ok everyone single file please. I would like the oldest at the front once we get off the bus and youngest at the back. So, find your age group and stick with it. Recruits the ones and twos are already here don’t bother anyone that’s above that. Once we get into the foyer I want clothes off and keep your hands to yourselves,” Gus said as we stepped off the bus.

I was at the back of the line like literally the very last person in line still only being 13 even if my birthday was less than two weeks away. Once we were ushered forward into the very crowded foyer everyone started undressing some older guys that were already naked coming through with bags for us to put our uniforms in.

“Well hi Five,” I heard a voice say as someone bumped into me from behind as I loosened my tie.

“Eric,” I huffed back, “You can’t touch me here.”

Eric smiled and laughed, “Unless someone tells me I can. What was his name again? Dr. Swartzman right?”

“Shut up,” Pat said turning to look at Eric who towered over him.

“You a fiver too?” Eric sneered.

“Not exactly but he’s my best friend. So, keep your mouth shut and your hands away from him,” Pat hissed.

“I’m just here for his clothes. Here’s your bag. Write your name on it and make sure all of your clothes end up in it,” Eric said shoving the bag in my face as I finally got my tie off.

“Thanks,” I hissed as he walked away.

“He was the kid you were talking about earlier, about the hospital stuff?” He asked me.

“Yeah, meet Eric,” I answered.

“Charming fucker. Just like Dick,” Pat muttered.

“Yes, I always manage to find the assholes. Don’t I?” I asked.

“I think they find you. I don’t think you’re actively looking. Which would mean you are not finding them. You just have bad luck with people who make horrible jokes and apparently find something about you interesting in all the wrong ways,” Pat commented.

“Yeah, thanks,” I said pulling my sweater vest off and putting it in the bag with my tie as I started undoing my dress shirt.

I looked up at Pat to notice that he was already naked from the waist up and wondered how he managed to do that so quickly and without me noticing. His skin had a luminescent glow about it making me feel a little tight in places that I didn’t want people noticing. Pat looked at me and noticed me staring as he undid his belt and cleared his throat with a smile on his face.

“We need to be apart today then?” He asked me.

“I…huh fuck,” I said shaking my head as I started to remember where we were. What was actually happening.

“Yes, that’s right someone is going to…”

“Gentlemen hurry up please. No more talking,” Someone said loudly at the front of the foyer to which everyone sped up their pace.

It was a voice I knew well but I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about how they were all here. How they might do that thing to me again. That thing that I told Leo I didn’t like that I couldn’t deal with.

“Need help?” Gus asked stopping in front of me as I looked around noticing my shirt was only half way unbuttoned my wife beater still on underneath it while everyone else was either in the process of taking off their pants or completely nude already.  
“No, he’s fine,” Pat said not looking up at Gus.

“I’m just going to help,” Gus said grabbing the hem of my shirt to pull me closer making me tense up. My shoulders coming up against my neck to protect the skin there from any unwanted lips or tongue.

“Gus,” Pat said putting a hand on Gus’s shoulder before he kissed him lightly on the cheek, “Not now, please?”

“Oh, I see. You know different rules for the Villa dear,” he said quietly, “There will be plenty of attention for you later ok?”

“But, I mean…please?” Pat tried again caressing Gus’s arm lightly trying to pull his attention away from me.

“Later I swear,” Gus said, “I just want to help him out that’s all. He’s running slow.

“I’ve got it,” I said hurrying to undo my shirt my fingers fumbling over the buttons out of nervousness and fear. I didn’t want him to touch me. Especially not here where I was sandwiched in with a bunch of other guys who could hear and see everything that was happening.

I managed to get my shirts off in record time faster than I had ever removed them before. Gus’s hands going to my belt before I could shove my shirts into my bag him undoing my buckle as I squirmed. No not here. Not here, not right now, not here. I shook my head feeling the heat rise in my face making sure I didn’t say a damn word because it would get me into trouble as Pat watched his eyes wet as he looked away his hands covering his nakedness hiding it from everyone.

“It’s ok, you probably need to go to the prep room first ok? Just relax,” Gus said to me as he took my belt off and put it in the bag and I undid my pants kicking them off before he could touch me again. Taking off my socks and shoes at the same time and pulling my underwear off making me feel beyond exposed using my hands to hide myself like everyone else was doing because I didn’t want these guys to see me naked more than they had to.

“Is everyone ready?” Lionel asked from the front of the room.

“Yeah seems like it,” Gus answered from beside me.

“Ok line up oldest to youngest. If I tell you to go to the prep room, just go. Or since you’re all older in this case as I see from looking around just about everyone needs to go to the prep room. If I call your name you can skip the prep ok?” 

Gus went to stand by the leader and they inspect each guy down the line first checking their face and torso for any signs of hair and then making them lift their arms and checking their arm pits and groin areas. Lovely I thought. That’s just awesome. Like it’s not bad enough just being in that place where I barely have hair they want me to get rid of it? Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t normal guys have body hair? Why couldn’t one thing about this stupid fucking cult just be normal? Boy fucking wasn’t enough for them they had to fuck hairless boys? What the fuck?

“Chen, you can skip prep,” The leader said nodding his head approvingly and the walked to the next guy.

He walked down the whole line until he got to me and looked at me and smiled, “Hi beautiful.”

“Yeah, he’s still a little soft, isn’t he?” Gus commented.

“Yeah, that’s not a bad thing though. Is it sweetheart?” Lionel said grabbing my chin is his hands looking at my face, “His face is smooth, and his chest,”

His ran his hand down my pecs to my belly button feeling for hair there that wasn’t supposed to be there. And I closed my eyes trying to keep my breathing calm. My hands starting to shake. I didn’t like him touching me. Not any of them and not the guy who raped my little brothers. Who probably said similar things to them when no one was listening or no one cared to do anything to stop it.

“That’s it sweetie nice and calm, right? Can you lift up your arms for me?” He asked me to which I tried to back away and Gus grabbed me holding me in place.

I didn’t want to show him that especially when I was in a room with at least four people who wanted to see it. Who wanted to do things to me. I didn’t have any hair there so why did it matter. He saw me five days ago. He knew I didn’t have any hair there. He might not have been in the room when my blindfold went on but it wasn’t like I was clothed before they blindfolded me.

“Arms up John come on,” Gus said looking at me, “Don’t make me pull them away for you because I might accidentally hurt you and that’s not how you want this day to start trust me.”

I looked at Pat who gave me a slow nod barely moving his eyes in my direction. I still didn’t want this but he had a point. Here was not a place to fight. Here was a place to submit. This wasn’t something I should fight them on and everyone else was naked too so it didn’t really matter that much at all right? I should just do it and get it over with.

I sighed and lifted up my arms letting myself go to which the leader looked closely at my armpits, “There’s a little bit but not enough that we should worry about I don’t think. Waxing it or shaving it would just cause the skin to blister and that won’t do us any good today. So just leave it you think Gus?”

“Yeah I’d say so and he doesn’t have any hair anywhere else yet. Not even a little bit if you…,” Gus took his hand and slid it over my ball sac feeling for the soft fuzz that was going to start growing there at any time my eyes going wide in surprise as he felt me up and Gus shot me a cocky grin.

“Oh, he likes that huh sweetheart?” Lionel said taking my other ball in his hand and messaging it gently as I bit my mouth closed making sure I didn’t say anything. Trying to find a spot above their heads to stare at as the heat flooded my face my eyes started to sting.

“Good job,” The leader said as him and Gus removed their hands, “John you can skip prep. Everyone else head off to the prep room and we’ll take John and Chen to the holding room I guess.”

“Ok boys if you’ll follow me,” Gus said to everyone else as Lionel grabbed my hand.

I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. He was going to rape me. He was going to rape me and then rape my brothers and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Especially not then not in that moment. I had to deal with it and I hated it and it was all my fault that this was happening.

“Ok Chen, John come on,” he said pulling my arm forcing me to walk forward slowly where he led us into the holding room. The holding room where we waited until they strapped us to a table or someone wanted to use us. Where we stayed while we were on breaks not having our bodies used. I went up to an empty cot and grabbed a blanket wrapping it around myself so I didn’t have to be naked. 

That had been beyond humiliating. Having to stand there while they…because at that point he wasn’t just about hair and everyone in the room had known that.

“Hey, are you ok man?” I heard a familiar voice ask me as I looked up to find a blanket clad waist in front of me.

I just nodded my head trying to breathe. I didn’t want to talk about that. Dom’s feet and ankles the only thing visible if I bothered to look down at his feet.

“What happened? Just nervous because we’re here or…?” Dom trailed off and I shook my head in response.

“You don’t usually go this quiet unless something is wrong. I mean you’re not a huge talker but come on man. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything. I won’t tell anyone you know that,” Dom said sitting down on the cot next to me.

“He called me sweetheart,” I said quietly pulling my blanket tighter around myself like it could shield me from the words. From my own thoughts and memories.

“Who?” Dom asked confused.

“The leader,” I said barely moving my lips.

“So why is that a big deal? I mean we get called pet names all the time. It’s not that big of a thing,” Dom said.

“He did it in front of everyone. He grabbed my junk and I just…I froze,” I answered numbly.

“Well you’re lucky you froze and didn’t push him away or try to get out of his grip because he doesn’t mess around. Especially not with guest here from other chapters. Which are here today so if you end up with someone you don’t know…that’s why,” Dom told me, “What about everything else? Did you talk to Pat about some stuff?”

“Not really. Maybe a little bit I guess. But it’s you know…last night wasn’t good. Today’s not good either. I’m having more bad days lately than good ones.” I said.

“What happened yesterday?” He asked me.

“I skipped class. I skipped class and I shouldn’t have. I told you I shouldn’t have so it’s my own fault. It’s …it’s my own fault.” I muttered.

“Whatever happened isn’t your fault. Whoever did whatever they did, you didn’t ask for that. You didn’t want that and that’s not a punishment anyone deserves. You know that. Somewhere in your head you know that John, ok? Don’t let them start warping your brain now. Come on man. Don’t do this to yourself,” Dom said.

“If I wouldn’t have skipped it wouldn’t have happened. None of it. Not Leo. Not Dick not …not Vic. None of it. I would have been fine yesterday if I hadn’t of skipped. If I had behaved myself everything would have been fine yesterday,” I said quietly.

“What? Vic? Are you kidding me?! What…fuck! Oh, geeze fuck!” Dom said his voice rising, “Fuck no. Fuck. Did you tell him off? What the fuck did you do about it? Please tell me you handed him his ass.”

“I told him to stay away from me,” I answered, “That I don’t want him to be my doctor anymore. He told me that it was either him or Huntz and Huntz has a thing for actually hurting us. Because he likes to and Vic claims he hates hurting us.”

“That doesn’t mean you should have to see Vic though. I mean I don’t know what he did and I don’t think it matters because anything is more than he said he would ever do. I’m pretty sure on that. He has no right to tell you what doctors you can choose from tell your mom. Tell her why you don’t want him to be your doctor anymore. That he crossed a line.”

“I can’t. If I do she’ll try and get us out on her own. It won’t ever work. Not that it’s going to work anyway but with Vic last time we were gone for a little while. I was almost normal. Things were almost ok,” I said, “So it’s better to just…”

“Just what John? Keep your mouth shut and wait for him to do it again? And then say he’s sorry again? Because I know he probably said he was sorry and you know he probably doesn’t mean it. That it’s his way of saving his own skin. If they ask him to he will do it again whatever it was he did. They never mean anything they say unless they’re talking about…those things. You shouldn’t ever trust any of them. Not ever. Not even Vic,” Dom hissed at me careful to keep his voice down.

“I don’t,” I answered him, “I can’t trust anyone. I know I can’t trust anyone. I trust you and Pat and Cole and my brothers but otherwise, I can’t even trust my mum. Dom, she just admitted to me last night that she knows how Da thinks of me. That he…in his eyes her and I are equal. That we’re both his…he thinks I’m his boyfriend. That I’m someone he can just…and she knows and she’s known for a while and she keeps …she asked me to draw his attention away from everyone else. She asked me to let him…”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe that being something I hadn’t told anyone yet. That I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone. That she hated me and she knew I was just a slut bag because that’s what I really was. That’s how she saw me because I couldn’t have any secrets from her. That she would rather they use me as a cum bucket than anyone else because I was the one they seemed to want. Because everyone else was a surrogate of some kind for when I wasn’t able to meet their needs for whatever reason.

“Oh no,” Dom said, “That’s sick. I’m so so sorry. She has no right to ask that of you. No one does. It’s your body and your stuck in it. She has no right to force you to make that choice. Especially when it’s one you don’t want to make.”

“I make it all the time already so I don’t know why it matters to me so much that she asked. I just feel like maybe she doesn’t think I do it enough? I try you know? I really do I try to all the time so they don’t have to. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate the fact that whatever I do it isn’t good enough to make them leave everyone else alone. Nothing is ever enough because I’m such a fucking failure at life. Dom, what…how do I fix it?” I asked starting to panic.

“Hey! HEY! John listen to me ok? This is not your fault. You didn’t do anything. You didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. None of us did. Ok? You think I deserve this? You think I deserved to be adopted by two guys who enjoy giving it up the ass to little boys?” He asked me to which I shook my head, “Then why do you think you do? Why do you think that’s something that you deserve to have happen to you? You don’t, ok? None of us do. And you can’t fix this because there is nothing for you to fix. It’s on them to fix, not you. It’s on them to change,” Dom told me.

The door opened loudly causing me to jump and everyone in the room to look towards the door. A few of the people I had come on the bus filed into the room and the door shut behind them one of them being Wallace and other two being Dick and Chad.  
“Oh, fucking great,” Dom said pulling his blanket tighter around himself trying to hide the fact that he was there because they picked on him. They were allowed to pick on him.

“Hi John, Dominic,” Dick said in a sing song way threateningly.

“You can’t touch me,” I reminded him.

“No, I can touch him thought. If I want that is. I might just touch him to torture you though. And he can’t say no. Can you Dom?” Dick said smiling down at us.

“I’m supposed to be getting my break,” Dom said quietly looking at his lap pulling himself in trying to make himself as small as possible.

“Well it’s my break now,” Dick said reaching down as I smacked his hand away.

“Don’t touch him,” I said, “And you have to listen to me. I said back off so you back off.”

“Well do you see any handlers around Johnny boy?” Chad said coming up to us, “We don’t have to listen to shit you say. I could hold you down for Rich right now if I wanted and you wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing about it besides scream. You want to play with the big boys? We can play.”

“Wh-what does that mean?” I asked finally realizing they were right. No handlers meant they didn’t have to follow the rules because they knew I wasn’t stupid enough to say anything. To say that one of them had forced me without permission from my handler because we would both get in trouble.

“Are you kidding me? He’s a five,” Dom said.

“Would you mind Chad?” Dick asked as Chad bent down and pulled me up by my hair.

God no please, please no. I grabbed his hand as he pulled the hair on my scalp taunt forcing me to my feet. Why did Dick have to have a thing for me? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?

“We’re going to fuck you so hard you’ll be begging to go on duty,” Chad hissed in my ear before he pushed me into Dicks chest who grabbed me, squeezing me.

I swallowed refusing to cry in front of them. Refusing to beg. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want them to touch me feeling Dick’s naked body grinding against the back of mine his hands sliding down my sides.

“Hi baby,” Dick cooed into my ear from behind, “You ready for some fun?”

“I-I’m n-n,” I tried my face turning red as I realized I couldn’t speak because he was pressing against me too hard. Because I was too scared and I couldn’t breathe. I struggled against him trying to pull away. Pulling desperately at his arms, scratching at him.

“He’s already panting and you haven’t even done anything fun,” Chad commented.

“Guys leave him alone. Come on, leave us alone. We have a lot to deal with today,” Dom said quietly, “Please?”

“Why should we? Aren’t we allowed to have fun?” Chad asked him.

“Yeah but, I mean they don’t…with you anymore. Not as much. Not like us. Please?” Dom begged.

“Have you ever fucked him?” Chad asked Dom an evil smile spreading across his face.

“What?” Dom asked.

Dick just kept kissing on the back of my neck, biting. His hands pinching at my hips and thighs as I moved trying to keep him from grabbing my more sensitive areas. Struggling against his hold. The effort tiring me out, knowing that no one would help me. That I was lucky Dom was even saying anything.

“You haven’t, have you?” Chad asked, “He’s good. You should taste him.”

“No,” Dom shook his head.

“You can’t say no. Come here,” Chad said and Dom’s eyes widened nervously.

“Come on,” Dick said and I could hear the amusement in his voice, “He won’t hurt you. I’ll hold him still. All you have to do is get on your knees and I’m sure you’re used to that.”

“If I don’t?” He asked them.

“Well, you can do it and save him some pain or we’ll double him. Personally, I’m hoping you’ll say no,” Chad said.

“DON’T!” I said fighting harder. Dick squeezing me almost squeezing me hard enough I couldn’t move air through my body.

Dom sighed coming up to me looking closely at me his eyes wide with fear his hands shaking as he reached out grabbing the base of my neck as Dick still held me tight and he kissed me. Shoving his tongue past my lips rolling his tongue over my teeth pulling back after a couple of hoots and hollers wiping his mouth on the back of his hand his face red.

“Sorry,” he said quietly not able to look me in the face.

“You think that’s it? On your knees,” Chad hissed and Dom looked at him.

“Don’t make me. He’ll hate me forever. Don’t make me,” Dom begged him.

“Ok,” Chad said, “You want to go set him on the table and I’ll go ask my Dad for condoms?”

“Yeah,” Dick said picking me up easy as I struggled trying to expand my muscles. Trying to make him let go.

“Wait,” Dom said sighing getting on his knees in front of me, “So you want me to…?” He sighed shaking his head trailing off.

“Yeah, try him. He’s good. He’s really sweet. Aren’t you baby?” Dick asked me.

I felt light headed. This wasn’t happening. They weren’t making me do this. Not yet. I wasn’t ready yet. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. This wasn’t ok. This was Dom and me and he didn’t want to do it and neither did I and neither one of our Da’s were here. 

“Come on we’re waiting,” Chad said laughing lightly as Dom looked up at me a pained expression on his face.

“Just do it,” I said still twitching and struggling against Dick’s arms until I felt his hand touch me.

“Surprised?” Dick mumbled into my ear as Dom did something weird along my ball sac with his fingers feeling like something I had never experienced before. Something I was pretty sure I didn’t want.

I started panting. It felt weird. It felt like Da and I couldn’t deal with that straining harder throwing my head back trying to head butt Dick in the face. I struggled finding it impossible to keep still any longer, finding the whole thing too invasive, too violating.

“Stop,” I begged Dom making him pull back like I was on fire.

“What did you forget how to give a blow job? That’s something I thought you would be good at. That’s something I remember you being pretty good at,” Chad said to Dom who couldn’t look me in the eyes, “Do it unless you want me to.”

“I-I can’t,” Dom said quietly, “He told me not to. I can’t. I can’t do that to him. I can’t.”

“You want trade places Rich?” Chad asked.

“You bet, I love sucking his cock,” Dick answered pushing me forward into Chad’s chest.

“Stop,” I said again as I felt Dick’s hands on the back of my legs as I tried to push Chad away.

“Hey, it’ll be fun you’ll like it. And you’re 13, right? You come every time so I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” Chad said.

“No, stop,” I said again, “I don’t want to. Don’t make me. I don’t want to.”

I started crying as I struggled against him feeling Dick’s tongue on the small of my back. I hated this. I hated that I was crying in front of them, because of them. Because they wouldn’t leave me alone. Because no one ever let me breathe. When that’s all I needed, was to breathe. Was a second where I could be something other than someone’s whore.

“Aww poor baby going to cry? I don’t know why you’re crying. You should just let yourself enjoy it. Like anyone else would want you? Especially after all the dicks you’re going to take up your ass today?” Chad taunted.

Just then the door opened up again and Pat and Cole and Tosh walked into the room their eyes wide looking at us. Looking at what was going on, Dick getting ready to bury his tongue in my ass as I cried. Chad was right. No one would ever want me. No guy, no girl. No one. And I didn’t deserve Pat. Even if he did want me, not that he would after today. Not that any of it mattered.

“Dick let him go,” Pat hissed.

“Why? He’s ours. We called dibs today sorry fellas,” Chad mocked.

“He doesn’t belong to you. Let him go now,” Pat said his voice barely above a whisper and I could hear the anger he was holding back.

“You guys want to play with my Dad?” I heard Cole ask smugly, “I’m sure he’d love some time with you two. 17. Right on the edge. Strong enough to give him a good fight but still weak enough to break. Just his type guys. What do you say?”

Chad’s gripped loosened and Dick stopped touching me and I finally pushed away. So that’s why Dick always listened to Cole. Because he was Arthur’s real type. The kind of guy he liked. I felt like I could finally breathe for a second walking away from them and grabbing my blanket from my cot and wrapping it around myself pulling myself into the fetal position.

“Hey,” Dom said quietly coming to sit on the floor in front of me.

“Don’t do that again,” I said, “No matter what. Don’t do that again.”

“I’m sorry, I thought maybe it’d be better than…” I cut him off.

“No. I’d rather deal with the pain of doubles, which they can’t do anyway in here than do that. So, don’t,” I said my whole body shaking.

“You hate me?” he asked.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t blame you. I just…don’t do that ok?”

“Todd would make us if he could. Finick,” Dom commented.

“I know,” I said quietly, “I just that’s something they do a lot. That type of stuff. And I don’t…I won’t.”

“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “ok. I won’t worry about it again unless one of them makes me all right? No trackers just …you know.”

“Thanks,” I said as Pat came over.

“Are you ok?” Pat asked looking at us, “Both of you. Are you two ok?”

“Close call,” Dom said.

“That’s an understatement. They had him like…they were squeezing him and Dick was getting ready to…did they do anything to you?” Pat asked.

“They huh…,” Dom started to say.

“They were going to,” I answered quietly for him. I didn’t need Pat to know what he had almost done to me. Pat would be so angry that Dom had touched me. Especially when I was making it very clear that wasn’t something I was ok with. That I was scared because it involved him touching me there. His mouth almost going there which Pat knew was something I was very finicky about.

“God I’m so glad Cole has that asshole to threaten people with sometimes,” Pat sighed, “Are you two ok though? Like for real?”

“Yeah, I’ll be ok,” I lied.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dom said.

“Ok well, I’m going to like…chill somewhere away from you two. Because you know that’s like the best thing for right now. I’ll be watching those two very closely though. If you need me or anyone just…you know. Don’t let them get you alone anywhere, ok?” Pat said to which we both nodded our heads and he walked away grabbing up a blanket on an empty cot on the other side of the room.

“Why aren’t you telling him?” Dom asked me.

“He doesn’t need to know. Nothing happened,” I said.

“That’s not true,” Dom said, “I…”

I cut him off, “You were scared. I was scared ok? That’s all there is to it. You thought you had no choice. That they were going to hurt me so you did something you thought would be better and it wasn’t ok? That’s all. You didn’t put your mouth on me, you just touched me and I can live with that. Nothing bad happened.”

“Yeah because we got lucky,” Dom said quietly, “What did they say to you?”

“What?” I asked.

“When you started crying Chad said something to you. It made you let out a sob almost a scream and then you stopped. What did he say? And I know Dick said something too. I didn’t hear what he said either. I’m just curious,” Dom said.

“It doesn’t matter,” I answered.

“Yeah it does,” Dom said, “Look I know you get emotional or you either shut down but, you don’t do that. You don’t cry over nothing and especially not where you just let one sob escape you and then shut it down. That’s not normal for you. Especially in front of guys like that. I’ve seen you panic in front of them before you don’t cry. You just don’t.”

“Dick said he was going to fuck me ok? He said him and Chad were going to fuck me and make me beg to be with handlers ok? And then Chad said I should just let it happen and enjoy it because no one is going to want me. Not ever. And he’s right. Ok?” I answered not looking at him.

“That’s not true,” Dom said.

“Yeah it is,” I said.

“No, trust me it’s not true. People do want you. People other than them,” Dom said again.

“No, it is true and I know it. That’s all I’m good for, ok? I know it and I’ve accepted it,” I said.

“No, it’s not,” Dom said his voice getting louder.

“How would you know?” I asked him.

“Because Pat wants you. Because...,” Dom looked at his cot his face turning red as he barely mumbled it, “I want you.”

“Oh,” I said not sure what else to say. I had forgotten about that. That he had a crush on me. That I mattered to him as more than a best friend. 

He shrugged his shoulders not daring to look at me, “It’s true. I’m sorry and I’m trying ok? I’m trying to not let it …I want you to still be able to tell me things. I do. And I know that you would never walk away from Pat. So, I don’t usually say anything about it ok? But in this case, it needs to be said because I don’t want to be like them. Because I’m not one of them and I never will be. I want you because you’re smart, and caring and funny and great at reading people and you’re not afraid to let people know how you feel. 

Because you have these eyes that look like they are always thinking. Always trying to figure something out and it makes you mysterious. It makes me wonder what you’re thinking about when you go silent. I like how I can sit with you in silence and it doesn’t feel awkward or wrong. It just is what it is and that’s ok because sometimes I don’t want to talk. And you get that. There are a million reasons I like you and not one of them is because of your body. Ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “My eyes are a part of my body though.” I pointed out making us smile a little.

“You know what I mean,” Dom said and I nodded my head.

“Yeah, I know. I just had to point that out,” I said.

“That’s another reason I like you. You can take something so dark and scary and just turn it around. Make it feel like it didn’t even happen,” he said.

“How does this go anyway? Today I mean,” I asked.

“Well, they’ll pull random guys until around noon when everyone gets here. Then they’ll sort us by age and we’ll stand in the ball room. They’ll pull a name. Just one and that’s the guy who…doesn’t go home. Everyone else they’ll just keep pulling at different times from the holding rooms. The back room isn’t being used right now though it’s covered in plastic for when the name is pulled makes clean up easier. However, they will give you a color and that’s what your…task is I guess you could say. Red is full on anal, yellow is usually oral stuff and green means that they have to take it easy on you usually that means you’re more fragile. You can tell them what you will and won’t do and they have to kind of listen. They do that with little kids usually as in kids under nine. Black means they can do whatever they want. Hard core stuff like vibrators and plugs and depo sex and whatever else, doubles, triples whatever. If we have a lot of out of charter guests then they do gold and gold is someone who is supposed to cater to the guests and they do almost the same thing as black only not with everyone just with the guests,” Dom answered.

“You’ve been all of them at one point, haven’t you?” I asked him.

He nodded his head, “Last time we did this I was 11 I think. I ended being in the black but that’s pretty normal considering I’m a 2. Even my star status doesn’t get me any exclusivity. Usually when they do a full charter party it’s only for tenures. Very rarely will they do full charter where they pull all age groups at once but when they did they use the color system.”

“Star status?” I asked.

“Well we’ve talked about how not many red heads are around right? Even less of us make videos. You and me we’re…we’re like the only two redheads on feature on the website right now so…,” Dom trailed off.

“Where do guests come from?” I asked.

“Right now? I’ve heard rumors today we have a guy from Germany one from Russia, I’ve already met him and one from Japan. There’s a couple more from different states. One from the UK too I think,” Dom answered.

“You talked to the Russian one?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Dom said, “It was weird. Really weird because I haven’t been able to talk to someone in Russian in a long time so it felt strange. He mostly just talked to me though and then made me sit on a bed in front of him and…do somethings by myself like…”

“That’s really weird,” I said.

“Yeah it felt weird too because it’s not something that I…at home I’m not…” Dom stopped and exhaled.

“I get it. Me neither,” I answered.

It was true. I wasn’t allowed to masturbate at home. It was something that if my Da told me he ever caught me doing he would tie my hands behind my back for a month. That was the first and only time he ever caught me even attempting to touch myself and I had been 5 or 6. He had told me I always needed to come to him. That he would help me, take care of it. So, it was just something that I was never interested in because I hated my Da touching me. 

“They are too much alike,” Dom said, “Pop and your Dad.”

“I think so too,” I said not wanting to think about it anymore, “So will my little brothers be here?”

“Yeah everyone will be, everyone with a brand. They are in different holding rooms though because we’re the only age group that really has recruits to worry about and they tend to like to keep the younger one’s calm. That and when they aren’t here to watch things just…sometimes they get out of control like that thing that just happened I guess and they don’t want the kids to have to worry about that,” Dom told me, “So your brothers should be ok. At least when they are in the holding rooms.”

“And when they aren’t? How do you know what color someone is?” I asked.

“Usually they announce it according to last names and then say except and that person is usually a different color. I don’t know I usually end up in the gold or red sometimes black but ones are almost always black and everyone else just kind of fills in the somewhere,” Dom told me.

“So, I probably won’t be black,” I sighed with relief. Black sounded bad, sounded painful.

“No gold,” Dom said, “You’ll be gold you get a lot of attention. Unwanted I’m sure but, you do.”

“What he talks about me?” I asked quietly feeling nervous, feeling embarrassed.

“Pop? Yeah, he talks to Leo on the phone a lot. I overhear sometimes because it’s huh just that’s how it goes I guess. It’s never on weekends probably because that’s when you’re there but, I don’t know,” Dom said, “I have my own bed now though. They thought it would be weird to keep me in the bed with them if they had Adam too so…like Adam and I have a real bedroom for once. I actually get to sleep in my bed sometimes too.”

“You didn’t have your own bed?” I asked.

“Oh, I thought I told you that before,” Dom’s face went red, “Since they brought me home. It’s just like something they did I guess. I…it’s not a big deal I mean.”

“No, I think it’s cool that you’re excited about it. Having your own bed. Kind of sad and abnormal but that’s like everyone here don’t you think?” I asked.

“True. But yeah, I have my own bed and its actually kind of awesome. Like I can hang posters on my wall. Because I have a real wall. I still don’t have a computer or anything really cool like that but I have a bookshelf where I can keep my books. But yeah, it’s like really awesome,” Dom said smiling lightly.

“If it makes you feel any better I don’t have my own computer either. We’re not even allowed to use the computer at home. At Leo’s I can, not that I will. Not after all the crazy it brought down on me,” I said.

“Yeah, you kind of told me a little bit about that. Do you think that guy is here?” Dom asked me.

“I hope not. Because he was from out of state from what I remember. Leo made it very clear he’d come from a bit away to come see me. So, I really really hope not,” I answered.

“I’m sorry,” Dom said quietly.

“I would love to see your room sometime. Where is Adam?” I asked aware that he wasn’t there.

“He’s on the floor,” Dom said briskly.

That sounded horrible. On the floor or on the tables I had caught on was slang for entertaining which was slang for getting your brains fucked out when you didn’t really want it to happen. I sighed thinking about everything. Where I was how I had been feeling, how I had been acting. Thinking about Leo and what he had made me do yesterday with Dick, with him. I didn’t want any of this especially after that and especially after what Dick was planning on forcing me to do until Cole and Pat walked into the room.

“When does this thing start?” I asked.

“Soon, you guys will get your assignments soon.” Dom said as Lionel walked into the room, “like right now.”

I sighed knowing he meant right now as in right now. As everyone’s attention turned to the leader that stood center of the room. A hush fell over us everyone pulling their blankets tighter around them. No one wanted to be here and no one wanted to hear this.

“Ok, fives besides John I want you guys on yellow for this age group all right? A-H levels four and three I want you guys to do red and then everyone else four and three I want to be yellow as well. John you’re on Gold and actually…” He sighed looking around the room, “Gables you’re on gold too. Both of you follow me.”

“Good luck,” Dom said as I stood up taking my blanket with me.

“You don’t need that,” The leader told me as I sighed and walked it back over to a cot using my hands to cover myself as Cole came and stood next to me, “Ok I have a couple of special guest that the two of you will be entertaining. Rules are do what they ask you. If they are quiet don’t be afraid to prompt them. We want them to have a good experience. Ask them if they want you to talk, to make noise, to be silent. Ask if they would like to tie you up or like you to fight a little bit. Now you have rooms for right now. Usually rooms are only for green or black or gold so ….”

He walked us down the hallway and up a flight of stairs and into another hallway where he opened a door. The room was huge. There was a sitting room attached to it and he walked through opening up different rooms off the main sitting room. There was a bathroom with a bathtub and massive shower stall with 6 chrome shower heads coming out of the wall in a glass enclosure. The bath made of a white marble that was deep with jets installed. He threw open French double doors in the center of the room and there was the bed. The bed was a massive king size bed with the sheets in different hues of blue from a deep navy to a light sky blue and the walls where similar tones. There were straps already connected to the wooden head board and some of the pillows were sitting on a chair nearby. I noticed in the corner was another door that was boarded shut and look like it would be impossible to open.

“John this is the room you’ll be working in. I want you to just wait for a while he’ll be in shortly. His name is Hans he’s around your Dad’s age. He won’t be that difficult. He’s from Germany and he’s thinking about starting a chapter. He saw your work and was impressed. Most people are but just do what you’re told and everything will be fine,” he said as he motioned for Cole to follow him out of the room shutting the door behind him.

I heard his voice fade away as they walked farther down the hallway. He must have really wanted to impress Hans was all I could think wrapping my arms around myself, grabbing my shoulders. This didn’t seem good at all. This seemed really bad. Did Leo and Da know I was reserved gold? Did they know I was in this room waiting for this guy to come in and do whatever he wanted to me? They probably did but the thought still nagged at me. What if they didn’t say this was ok? Would I be in trouble for allowing it to happen?

I sighed sitting down in one of the chairs the fabric of the seat feeling soft and smooth against my naked backside and I noticed it almost gleamed when I moved a certain way. Looking at in a certain light the off-white shade making it hard to tell which light seemed to make it sparkle more.

“it’s silk,” a heavily accented voice said suddenly making me jump which caused him to laugh, “you are ok I will not hurt you. you are beautiful more so than in your movies yeah?”

I stared at him blankly taking in his features. His nose that was long and hooked and his frame that was bulky similar to Hanks. His eyes seemed to be small in his head and his smile reminded me of a jack o’lanterns. His head was balding in the center with tuffs of hair on the sides. This guy was way older then my Da a lot closer to the Leaders age than anyone else’s.

He reached forward and touched the side of my face making me cringe as I did my best not to pull away. To pull away would mean punishment. Probably from him as well as the brotherhood and my Da and Leo. That was something I didn’t want to deal with. That I didn’t want to even think about.

“look at me,” he said as I turned my gaze up to meet his, he had that look in his eyes. That look that I didn’t like, “your eyes are so green they shine like emeralds.”

“Huh, thanks?” I said timidly.

“You’re very welcome,” he said, “Stand.”

I stood up not worried about hiding my nakedness because he had already walked in on me. I sighed heavily as he took my hand in his looking me closely up and down his eyes lingering below my waist.

“You are very well endowed,” he said which my body responded to by flushing my face, flooding it with heat, “Do you taste as good as they say?”

He asked me to which I blinked. So, they talked about me with everyone then? They told people that I tasted good? Was that all I was? I shrugged my shoulders. It’s not like I had really ever tasted myself before so how would I know what I tasted like? Whether I was sweet or not.

“Do you speak more than the one word?” He asked me suddenly making me aware that I hadn’t uttered a word besides thanks after he had walked into the room.

“Yes,” I answered nodding my head, “Do you want to talk?”

I wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. What I would even say but the leader had said to read them, to ask them questions. So, we could understand what they wanted. That was something that I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be anywhere near this guy his face reading nothing but creep.

“No, I do like protest though. If you want to resist I find that fun,” he said grabbing my neck and rubbing it gently not putting any pressure against it but his stance threatening the action.

“Can I fight back?” I asked quietly confused by what he was saying.

“A little,” He said his eyes flashing menace as his smile widened, “No biting, not punching, no kicking you can push though and scratch a little. I like that and you can slap if you like.”

I wasn’t sure what to do with that. It sounded like Leo only physical instead of verbal. A list of things I wasn’t allowed to do. I felt myself getting unsteady at the thought of being this guy’s plaything. At the thought of it being almost like roleplay because there was no way in hell I would be strong enough to fight him off even if I had been allowed to. 

“I can say no?” I asked him.

“You can scream it if you want. For some of the other stuff I’ll tie you down for sure so you can still fight and do whatever it is you need to but you won’t be able to get away ok?” He said reaching his hand forward to touch my face again as I stepped backwards.

He smiled at that, “We’re playing already? Ok I thought we would wait until we got to bedroom but we can play now.” 

He lunged at me throwing his arms around my waist and squeezing to which I pushed hard at his arms shaking my head. His skin felt dry and rough against mine like sand paper like skin that had been worn in by the sun and age.

“No,” I whimpered trying to push him away as he picked me up and struggled in his arms as he managed to maneuver us so we didn’t run into anything dropping me on the bed as he pulled his shirt over his head and started undoing his pants.

“NO!” I screamed at him trying to get up as he pushed me back down and I slapped him on the arms as hard as I could.

“You’re good at this,” He taunted pulling his pants down his fat stomach revealing a cock that looked small and unthreatening but was probably enough to penetrate me anyway.

“NO!” I screamed again as he pushed me down hard smacking me across the face when I moved to avoid his lips against mine.

I stopped struggling shocked. No one had ever smacked me before. Not like that. It had always been in the stomach a hard punch and not a semi firm slap to the face. He laughed at my reaction grabbing my face tightly by the chin pushing on the back of my jaw forcing my mouth open before he started kissing me his tongue roughly exploring my mouth as I pushed at him his weight getting heavier by the second.

“Stop,” I begged him as he started kissing down my body. I closed my eyes hoping he would stop. I knew he wasn’t going to do that. However, I really hoped that he wouldn’t blow me.

“Stop. I don’t like that. I don’t want to do that, don’t please don’t,” I begged grabbing his hair and pulling lightly trying to keep his mouth from going lower.

“You are good at this,” he said amused grabbing one of my arms hard and stretching it enough to slap a shackle around it and then doing the same to the other one, “This is going to be fun. I’ll let you know if you’re really that sweet.”

“No,” I said shaking my head consciously trying not to kick him as he started kissing down the center of my chest. His hands trailing down my sides lightly tickling me as I twisted and turned as much as the shackles would allow pulling trying to break them so I could get myself free. My, breathe hitching as his hands started messaging up and down my inner thighs as he leaned back on my legs so he could fully see me struggling and naked under him.

“That’s right beautiful tell me no. Fight me, don’t let me just take it,” He encouraged.

“STOP! STOP!!!” I screamed as loud as I could as he leaned forward his fingers somehow wet and sticky as he made sure to spread my legs farther. To the point where it almost hurt the inside muscles and tendons from my knees into my thighs as he pressed a finger up against my pucker making me scream wordlessly.

This was painful. This was beyond painful. Being able to beg and scream and try and fight with permission and all of it being ignored or down right encouraged. I felt like I was fucking puppet or a monkey working with an organ grinder on the street dancing for coins because I was programmed to dance. He plunged his way inside up to the last knuckle without really warning me or preparing me. Making me scream louder which made him laugh.

“Don’t worry little one. I’ll find your quiet spot I promise. Just give me a second,” he cooed as he sniffed my pubic bone. Leaning forward into me, resting his head against my belly button. The hair tickling the skin there making me squirm and try to wiggle away from him. He moved his finger inside of me before pulling it out working the ring of muscle trying to loosen it until he felt it give starting to open up before he shoved another finger into me.

“Stop,” I whimpered again. The feeling of the pressure starting to build in other places as he touched and moved his fingers around unbearable.

“There we go,” he said as my Dick started to harden, “That’s it beautiful.”

I whimpered trying to pull myself forward off his fingers. I found myself impaled on them only to find my shaft being pressed closer against his nose and lips and I felt him smile at the movement. At the pressure which made me whine.

“NO,” I begged him as I felt the tip of his tongue touch my shaft.

“Your skin taste good but I don’t know about your cum yet. Should I try and push you farther using my fingers still or move right to my mouth? That way I don’t miss a single drop.” He taunted.

“NO, NO NO!” I begged him somewhere between a sob and a scream just the thought making me want to crawl out of my body.

“No more fingers ok?” He said rubbing my shaft taking his fingers out and wrapping his lips around me making me freeze up my whole body trying to fight the way it felt. How it felt good but how I hated it at the same time. My breathing picking up speed as the tears flowed down my face.

His fingers went back inside me working their magic. He blew me until my eyes rolled. Until I orgasmed and then he kept going. He kept going until I couldn’t get it up anymore and then he stopped.

“You really do taste as good as they say. I wonder if you feel as good too,” I remember him muttering. His form swaying above me. My body beyond tired almost so tired I could fall asleep until he pushed his way into me with very little lubricant making me shriek.

It hurt. It hurt so bad and yet I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t make any of it stop. My body giving him everything he wanted, betraying me as all I could was lay there and let him. Let him push in and out of me, let him tell me I was dirty. That I was a slut. That I liked cumming for him just like I liked it for everyone else. Once he had climaxed I thought he was done but he grabbed my balls and squeezed to wake me up and I heard a pop pain overwhelming my system causing the world to blink in and out, my vision going from black to normal to black.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wakes up confused as fuck. He hears about what he missed and has a long talk with his brothers along with Pat and Cole. Mum and him make plans for John to celebrate his 14th birthday with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 975 to 993 **Warnings: Mentions of murder, Minor Character death, mentions of torture, talk of child sexual abuse/rape/non-con, mental health issues, medical issues, physical abuse, pain.** I've been busy so sorry if I didn't respond to some comments left on Will's part 2. Will probably be working on updating that probably Thursday while I work on sorting shit and packing it up.

I don’t remember anything after that. Not for a while. When I did wake up I was surprised by the brightness of the room how everything had gone from the different shades of blue to white and sterile how I could feel the edge of the bed on each side of me. Convinced I had been chained to the center of a king-sized bed before.

“You’re awake?” I heard my Da ask me through a yawn.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“When the doctor asks you’re going to tell them that you were walking home through the park and someone tried to rob you. The last thing you remember is them grabbing the front of your pants and then you passed out. Understood?” He said to me.

“Yes,” I said knowing he wouldn’t really answer my question. Not here. Not in the hospital.

I remembered that horrible accent. How sore my body felt before I had passed out and how there seemed to be a dull throbbing pain that covered every inch of me even in that moment. I sat there in silence as my Da left the room. When he came back there was a doctor there with Hank and I squeezed the railing on the both sides of my bed. I didn’t want him there at all.

“I’m Dr. Whippet,” The older woman said pulling the chart that was hanging on the foot of my bed, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Last thing I remember I was walking home,” I answered her, “Some guy came up to me and he asked me if I had any money and I told him no and he didn’t believe me. Then he grabbed me and that’s the last thing I remember. That and a lot of pain.

“Ok,” She said nodding her head, “Mr. McGregor I have my co-worker Dr. Reed she would like to speak to your son if that’s ok.”

“That’s fine, send her in,” he replied.

“Alone,” Dr. Whippet replied, “He might be more comfortable talking to her alone. It’s just in case there’s anything he’s not comfortable saying in front of you.”

“That’s fine,” Da answered her, “I was going to go get some coffee anyway. Do you know when the surgery will happen?” He asked her.

“Tomorrow …” She said her voice trailing away as both Da and her started walking down the hall away from my room where I shifted uncomfortably in my bed looking at Hank.

“You’re ok,” he said, “You want to know what happened?”

“I already know,” I answered, “I was there. I remember up until the moment I passed out.”

“Well medically speaking he ruptured your testicale,” he said holding back a laugh, “From squeezing.”

“Is that like normal?” I asked confused.

“No actually it’s pretty hard to do so he must have some grip,” Hank told me, “You’ll be all right though. Just need to go in and stitch it all back together is all and then you’ll need about two weeks of rest. I’m here because when Vic dropped you off. It looked like what they call a serious assault. So, I have some stuff I have to take care of. And I have to make it look professional.”

“So, you’re here to make them think you’re investigating what happened even though you really aren’t because you know what happened,” I asked.

“Pretty much. I mean Mr. Lord isn’t thrilled needless to say. We don’t usually treat people that way. Whatever we do we’re not supposed to cause permanent injury unless It’s as a punishment. Even then it’s usually one no one is walking away from if you understand my meaning,” Hank said.

“So, he wasn’t allowed to do that?” I asked.

“To you? No not to you. You’re a five. We don’t do those type of things to fives. So obviously his visit just like yours was cut short,” Hank said, “What are you going to tell this girl?”

“Doctor Reed? I’ve met her before. I’ll tell her I was assaulted on my way home from my friend’s house. That’s all there is to say really,” I answered as we heard someone’s shoes sounding against the tiled floor and Dr. Reed stuck her head in the door.

“Hello Johnathan. Do you remember me?” She asked me.

“Yes, hello Doctor Reed. This is Detective Kingly,” I said introducing Hank, “Detective thank you but I’ve told you everything I remember.”

“Certainly, I’ll go speak with your father,” Hank said walking away.

“Can we talk?” She asked me shutting the door behind her.

“What about?” I asked her.

“Well it’s in your record that you were molested as a child?” She asked me.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with some guy robbing me?” I asked her.

“Well, there might have been an assault or there might not have. I would like to speak to you about that in order to help the police and maybe make you feel a little more comfortable,” she answered.

“What do you mean assault? You mean like he…?” I trailed off.

“Did the person who molested you before sodomize you at all?” She asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “Why?”

“Well, there was evidence of sexual activity. Sometimes when children are molested or taken advantage of they have increased sexual knowledge which can lead to curiosity. If that’s the case it would account for some of the things that were found when we did a rape kit. Now I won’t tell anyone if what we found was because of experimentation or not besides the police so they can rule out that types of assault but…I need to know…”

“Wait what type of evidence?” I asked confused.

“Well we found saliva samples on your scrotum, shaft, testacies, inner thighs, perineum, and around your sphincter. Were you engaging in sexual activity today at all?” She asked me.

“No,” I shook my head.

“You sure? Because we also found spermicide residue during your exam,” she added.

“No, I-I wasn’t,” I said.

She sat down and sighed, “Johnathan I’m not asking you because you’re in trouble or to shame you. I’m asking you because if not I have to tell the police that some man sexually assaulted you. That he did things to you that you probably didn’t want happening. So, I need to know if there was any wanted sexual contact earlier today ok?”

“No, there wasn’t,” I said quietly not able to look at her.

Did she really believe I wanted that guy doing those things to me? That I wanted his tongue on my body? That I wanted to feel all sticky and gross. Just talking about it made me need to shower, reminded me of what he had done, how he had tied me up while I screamed and begged him to stop until I couldn’t beg anymore because my body was too flooded, too confused with sensations.

“Do you remember what happened?” She asked me quietly, her eyes soft when I glanced up at them.

“I….” I stopped thinking about it carefully. If I even admitted that maybe I remembered something even if that something was a lie I would probably get into trouble. And it wasn’t like it was really rape. I mean my Da had said it was ok and my body belonged to him so it couldn’t be rape then, right? I shook my head.

“Johnathan?” She asked.

“It was consensual,” I changed my story not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to think about it. Not sure what to do.

“But you just sa…” I cut her off.

“Look it was consensual all right? That’s all you need to know,” I said my voice not sounding as steady as I would have liked it to.

“Why did you lie about it?” She asked me quietly, “Just a few minutes ago.”

“I don’t want my Da to know ok? It’s not something you broad cast,” I said to her.

“That what? That you’re experimenting?” She asked me.

“Yeah, ok look my parents are catholic. All right? If they knew they’d kill us,” I said giving her half the truth.

Our Dad’s would probably kill us but not because they wanted to nor because they were catholic but because it was forbidden. Sexual relationships like ours, the one Pat and I had which was probably why we had only had sex one time so far. Not that I had been penetrated that time. But that didn’t matter. It worked for the lie I was trying to sell so I went with it. That and it was none of her business.

“Are you ashamed?” She asked me, “Of your sexual orientation?”

“Look I don’t even…” I sighed loudly, “I don’t even know if I’m gay ok? I know I love him. That he’s different from everyone else. He’s not like anyone else ok?”

“So, it is a guy?” She said and I nodded my head.

“Life is complicated for me. I have no one. I have no friends, no one I can talk to that gets it but him. So, we talk and sometimes talking leads to kissing and sometimes kissing leads to other things,” I answered.

“Other things you mean like fellatio?” I cringed at the word, “What?”

“I don’t…” I felt my cheeks turning red as I thought about telling her. Telling her how much I hated that. That it was my least favorite thing to do sexually. Letting someone do that to me. How do you explain to anyone that you don’t like blow jobs because you’ve had too many of them? Because you’re tired of people sucking you off and putting their tongue in places it doesn’t belong when you don’t want it there.

“It’s ok take your time,” she said trying to encourage me.

“I don’t like oral sex ok?” I managed to answer stumbling over the words.

“But you let this friend do it to you? Is there another crime that happened that is separate from the robbery?” She asked me slowly her forehead creasing in worry.

“No, it’s…no, ok?” I answered biting my lower lip anxiously.

“You know if you don’t like doing something you don’t have to do it right? You have the right to say no,” she said.

I realized she had caught me. Because I couldn’t keep the facts straight. That she knew someone had assaulted me. That she knew someone had done something I didn’t want. The only thing I could think of to reply with was “I don’t have any rights and it doesn’t matter anyway” and I knew that wasn’t the right thing to say so I sat there silently.

“Where’s my Da and when can I go home?” I asked her.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon and sometimes tomorrow. They have to repair an injury you have. You don’t feel it because you’re on heavy pain medication but it’s a pretty big one. We’re pretty sure the robber kicked you in the testacies and caused a rupture. Unless that happened from the activity you said you had with your friend.

“No, he wouldn’t do that,” I answered her.

“But he would force you to endure oral sex that you don’t like?” She questioned.

“I didn’t…I didn’t say that,” I said.

“But someone clearly performed Oral sex on you. So, if it wasn’t your friend then it had to be someone else. Someone you didn’t give permission to. Would that be correct for someone to assume?” She asked me.

“Yes,” I said.

“And you’re ashamed of your father finding out so you would rather just have the whole subject dropped then admit this guy raped you correct?” She asked again.

“Yeah,” I said.

It made more sense to keep my mouth shut. To pretend I was ashamed because I was supposedly gay then to tell her it was because it was someone my Da had let rape me. Someone who him and his friends had literally stuck me in a bedroom with so they could use me. So, they could listen to me scream as I tried to push them off me. As they put their hands and lips and tongue and body all over my body. So, they could ignore me as I begged them to stop to please just stop.

“John? John why are you crying?” She asked me quietly getting my attention.

“Leave me alone ok?” I managed to say, “Just leave me alone.”

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” She asked me, “What were you thinking about just then?”

“Just leave me alone please. No one ever listens to me when I say that but please. Just leave me alone. Just this once, god listen to me just this once,” I begged her.

“Who never listens to you when you ask to be left alone? What do you mean?” She asked me.

“Please, please just…please?” I asked my pleading tone subsiding so I was more making a request then begging for mercy.

“Is someone hurting you often?” She asked me.

“Look I’m fine ok? Just leave it alone. The police will take care of it,” I told her.

“So, this wasn’t something that happened in the park? This was something that happened somewhere else. Are you hiding anything? Listen, every time you come in here something seems off. You seem tired. You sometimes have marks around your wrists. Usually that points to systematic abuse. Is it your Dad?” She asked me.

“Leave me alone!” I nearly shouted as my Da came into the room.

“My son just told you to leave him alone Dr. Reed. I think maybe you should leave him alone,” My Da told her.

“Your son was possibly sexually assaulted. He has signs of self-injury. It is possible that maybe he hasn’t been dealing well with his past sexual abuse? I’ve also taken a very close look at his chart and he shows signs of anorexia nervosa,” Dr. Reed said.  
“I realize my son has a problem, I’m very aware of it. We’re working on getting him help. he sees Dr. Swartzman he’s been hospitalized for a suicide attempt a couple of months ago his younger brother Will found him bleeding out in the bathtub you remember that? Because you were here for that. He’s on medication for anxiety and depression. This is just another unfortunate incident and the police are involved to try and figure out who this is and when they catch them they will pay for it,” Da said briskly, “Now my son needs to rest and get ready to have his balls stuffing sowed back into it. So, if you don’t mind Dr. Reed while we appreciate your concern I think we have this handled.”

“Yes sir, I will be going now,” She said a look on her face like she was about ready to cry as she left the room.

That was the most interesting thing that happened while I was in the hospital. I ended up mostly sleeping high on heavy pain killers. The surgery was the next day and I was in the hospital overnight. When I was done with surgery they gave my Da a bottle of pills and ordered a week of full bed rest. With Dr. Palmer reviewing things with my Da who said no sexual activity for at least a week while I healed up. Hank managed to bury the rape kit and any record of my supposed assault.

I wasn’t allowed to go to school but Cole and Pat came over the moment they heard I was home. Them and Will joining me in my bedroom to tell me what I had missed. It was an interesting conversation.

“Man, it was crazy. Apparently, you like passed out so the guy like called for Vic, right? And Vic got there and then looked you over and he started swearing loud enough the guy I was with, Yuri, stepped out of the room leaving the door open. There was more swearing and then someone went to go get your Dad, right? And that just added to the yelling over what they were going to do. And they agreed sending you to the hospital was the best idea. He took you do the hospital and left your brothers. They went home with your uncle. So, you missed the tenure. Which, be happy because they stuck this weird knife through the kid’s balls sac and then they hung him from the chandler. It was really gruesome.

“Who was it?” I asked curious.

“Eric,” Pat said, “That one you pointed out to me that you said was an asshole who threatened you? It was him they said that he apparently had been harassing other bottoms. So, you apparently weren’t the first guy he threatened.”

“Wait that guy threatened you?” Cole asked.

“Yeah he said something about mixing chocolate and vanilla together. Some other things how he wanted to ask Leo if he could…I don’t know why. He seemed like he hated me so maybe it was just a power trip away to watch me squirm.”

“Well apparently he touched someone that didn’t belong to him that he didn’t have permission to be with. He was like it was some little kid like four or five. The kid wasn’t there obviously but yeah,” Cole sighed.

“There’s this doctor that wants to die,” I said, “She’s like the hospital shrink or whatever but she came up to me and said they did a rape kit. That there was spit all over me. All over…and asked me if I was fooling around with people like sexually because I was molested when I was younger. It’s Da’s cover story that I was molested by my football couch or whatever. She kept asking a lot of weird questions like maybe she thought that I was being raped all the time and she was just like crazy.”

“Yeah sounds like she does have a death wish,” Pat said, “Did you let her in on anything?”

“No,” I said, “She might be an idiot but that doesn’t mean she deserves to die.”

“So, you’re clear to come back to school on Wednesday, right?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be there but yeah,” I answered.

“Wait isn’t Thursday your…” I cut Cole off.

“I’ll be 14 yeah. They have something planned. I’m sure not anything I’ll like but it’s not like I’ll get a choice. Not like I have any right to a choice,” I answered.

“Last year for my birthday they made me do a three way with Pat and some one,” Cole said casually.

I wrinkled my nose. That didn’t sound horrible but it didn’t sound like my idea of a good time either. My idea of a good time would probably have been a repeat of Vic’s apartment Pat riding on top of me letting me feel his insides squeezing around me as he looked into my eyes, playing with my hair making those mesmerizing sounds. I felt a hot sting under the covers of my bed and hissed.

“Did I cause some discomfort there?” Cole asked me smiling amused.

“It wasn’t all you some of that was me thinking about things,” I answered, “Too soon.”

“What were you thinking about?” Cole asked me.

I looked at Pat and smiled shaking my head. God that had been amazing the feeling of being a part of him. Of being connected so deeply it felt like his body was made to fit mine, like we were made to be together.

Pat laughed and then coughed, “It wouldn’t be like that you realize? If they did make us do that.”

I sighed sadly, “I know.”

“What was it like by the way? I never asked for details,” Cole said smiling, “Like who was on top?”

“Cole, I already told you I’m not going to tell you that,” Pat said shaking his head.

“Was it Pat? Because Pat hates being bottom but, for you. I bet you could talk him into anything,” Cole said.

“What?” I asked, “I didn’t ask him for anything. Ok? It just sort of happened.”

“Really? Is that a yes?” Cole asked his smirk growing.

“I have nothing to say on the matter,” I added, “I don’t think anything about my birthday well be enjoyable.”

“Probably not,” Pat admitted giving me a sad look, “I’ll be there though I’m sure. Either after or during I promise.”

“I know you will, both of you will I’m sure,” I said.

“Yeah,” Cole agreed, “Otherwise how are you doing with you know everything?”

“Apparently I’m fine just the stitches need to heal up. I got lucky,” I answered.

“I bet you that’s the last time they make you gold,” Cole muttered.

“Would it be worse to be one of the others?” I asked.

“Yellow,” Pat said.

“Black,” Cole muttered at the same time the words getting mixed together.

“I got to watch some TV while I was in the hospital. They made a Buffy spin off Angel. Did you guys know about that?” I asked them.

“Yeah it’s not bad actually a lot better then what they have doing with Buffy Angel is hot though so…” Cole said.

“Of course, you would think he’s hot. He’s tall dark and handsome as a bunch of people say. I personally think he’s a sissy though, I mean he whines and broods an awful lot,” Pat said.

“I don’t know I didn’t think he was whinny he did brood however, But I mean how old can a guy be before everything just looks bleak and unhappy? And he’s a vampire with a soul who apparently killed millions and now he lives with those memories of all the pain he caused when he was soulless,” I answered.

“Yeah, he’s soulless he had an excuse for torturing people for fun,” Cole sighed, “I still think he’s sexy.”

“Like I said you would,” Pat said back laughing.

“It’s not a bad show to be honest,” I said, “Cordelia Chase is on it you know that cheerleader girl.”

“Now she’s hot,” Pat said and I nodded my head in agreement.

“God besides each other you two really are straight, aren’t you?” Cole said shaking his head.

“What she’s cute she’s tiny all those perfect curves those prefect tits that I would really love to see tan, dark long hair. She’s amazing,” Pat said.

“She is very very hot,” I agreed.

“Do you think you have a thing for Pat because of…you know?” Cole asked quietly.

“Because of my life? My experience? I think it’s more his personality even though he does have a very nice body,” I answered and looked over at Pat noticing a slight pink breaking out on his face.

“Apparently Pat is going to be all shy about that,” Cole said.

“Well it’s different when someone you actually care about says it then…,” Pat coughed lightly, “Anyway so you’ve spent most of the past two days in bed?”

“Yeah pretty much. No one has really bothered me I got brought good night moon around 8:30 and read to Andy Laura and Cat and James for a bedtime story but otherwise just the bathroom and mum or Alice bring me ice packs every couple of hours to help with bruising and what not,” I said.

“Did you explain to them what happened?” Cole asked me.

“I didn’t have to, Alice won’t ask and mum I’m pretty sure talked to Da about it so…no questions at least not yet thank god,” I said.

“Do you even remember what happened?” Cole asked me, “Like what was he doing exactly?”

“Cole don’t ask him that,” Pat scolded, “Does he ask you what happened at the Villa when you end up going? No don’t ask him that.”

“I’m just asking because it’s weird ok and it seems like it would be super painful did you faint? Did it fucking hurt?” He asked me.

“Well yeah. I don’t know what it was but I didn’t feel so great obviously and I don’t know if I feel asleep or checked out of what but he apparently decided he wanted a response so he grabbed and squeezed. It was this like someone popping a zit that really hurts only a billion times worse and then I passed out,” I answered.

“You think it was the pain?” Cole asked.

“Yeah pretty sure,” I answered.

“Well, you’ve passed out before so I was just wondering,” he said.

“Well, it felt kind of different like faster. Like when it’s from anxiety I can almost feel it coming or from lack of air or whatever but, this it just hit me it just like kind of boom, out nowhere as soon as the pain hit,” I replied.

“So, they said in time for your birthday pretty much next week?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

Just then there was a light knock on the door and I told them they could come in and it was Will holding Mac. I sighed but smiled I loved my brothers I loved all of my siblings and was happy to see them but usually Will didn’t bring a baby to me unless something was wrong.

“What’s wrong?” I asked trying to get out of bed before Pat put his hand in the middle of my chest to keep me from getting up.

“Hank’s here and I don’t know Debbie’s not here today so Alice is busy and mum is busy too so I just…” Will mumbled.

“Yeah, I’ll take him,” I said holding out my hands but Pat grabbed him before I could sit up enough.

“Hey there man, what’s up?” He said which caused Mac to giggle and make baby sounds.

“I mean that’s something we should be worried about, right? Hank?” Will questioned.

“For him? Yeah,” I answered.

“What would he do to him?” Will asked me, “I mean like I know you can but why would he?”

“Oh, he won’t right now. He’s still paying for him. He can’t cash in until he’s all paid up,” Pat said, “And we’re trying to keep that from happening aren’t we buddy?”

“How? When?” I asked confused.

“Well they have a jar and it’s where they keep that money. For…that type of stuff. I can only take out 10 or 20 dollars at a time but I keep taking it and putting it in my piggy bank. It won’t stop it from happening but it will slow it down. Give him more time.” Pat told me.

“That’s dangerous, isn’t it? I mean Arthur is very…” Will was cut off by Cole.

“Art is my Dad. We live with him we both know what he’s like. Trust me Will we realize how dangerous it is but, look at him. A beating or two when he finds out we’re stealing from them in order to give Mac some more time without that. It’s worth it. All of them are worth it don’t you agree?” Cole answered.

“Yeah but they aren’t yours,” I said.

“They might as well be,” Pat said, “Look I lost Charlie because I was young. I was stupid. I left Charlie with him alone and that will never happen again. If I can keep Dad from being alone with any little boy I will. That includes these guys and any of the other ones I can protect.”

“Did you run into that little boy at the Villa by any chance you guys?” I asked.

“Alex? Yeah,” Pat said quietly, “I was in the hallway I only saw him for a second but it was…,” Pat sighed heavily and made this snorting noise, “horrible.”

He held Mac closer. Like he was trying to protect him from the mere idea of Hank from the idea of what Hank wanted to do to him. Mac giggled happily grabbing Pat’s hair before pulling lightly on his lip ring.

“Ouch Mac, don’t do that silly,” He said unhooking Mac’s baby hands from it and then kissing his fingers, “I’m going to eat your hands, num num num,”

This made Mac laugh harder and Cole and I smiled before I exchanged a brief glance with him. Seeing Alex that little boy from the last time we were at the Villa had really shaken him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he saw, what had upset him so much but I was afraid to ask, afraid to know what it meant.

“I know Alex, I mean the twins probably know him better but I know him. He seems ok considering,” Will said, “I mean he had some nasty bites but otherwise he’s ok. He told me Hank was like taking a break that at least he didn’t shove needles in his balls.”

“WHAT!” Pat asked his eyes going wide practically popping out of his head.

“He said at home his Dad shoves needles in his scrotum,” Will said, “He’s not the first guy whose told me their Da does that.”

“That poor kid,” Pat said closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“He’s ok really,” Will said trying to assure us that Alex was fine.

“And what about you?” I asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what the Villa was like for you.”

Will got quiet and wouldn’t look me in the eyes before he shrugged his shoulders, “I’m here now, all right?”

“Will don’t be brave,” Cole said, “I know you need to talk things out because that’s how you work. And there is nothing wrong with that.”

“This guy,” Will said quietly barely loud enough for anyone to hear, “He made me wear girl stuff and he was weird. He put these things on my chest and it hurt. He also put this sleeve on my arms and put it around my neck so I couldn’t move my arms. I didn’t…it made it really hard so I don’t want to talk about it yet.”

“That’s something they don’t usually let them do to anyone under 14,” Pat commented staring at him, “Who was it? Do you know his name?”

“No,” Will shook his head, “He wasn’t very nice he kept saying mean stuff.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Just mean stuff,” Will said biting his bottom lip a far-off look in his eyes like he was thinking about it.

“It’s not anything I haven’t heard before if you want to tell me,” Cole offered, “Get it out of your head.”

Will nodded his head and came over to sit next to Cole leaning into his ear cupping his hands as he whispered something. Cole’s eyes went wide and he shook his head.

“That’s not true Will. He said that to make you feel bad ok? Trust me it’s not true at all. You remember when your mom caught us making out? You remember how shy you were about that? What he said you were people like that aren’t shy about it at all. They aren’t shy about anything,” Cole said.

“What?” I asked.

Will couldn’t look me in the eye his cheeks flushing, “He told me to take it like a …like a good little whore.”

“Oh Will,” I said holding out my arms for him and he hugged me.

“I mean I’m not one, right? Just because Da and Uncle Ben and all of them… that doesn’t make me one, right?”

“You’re not a whore,” I assured him, “You’re not.”

“You are very far from a whore Will,” Pat agreed, “You’re not anything close you know how many people I’ve been with? A lot if anyone in this room is a whore it’s probably me.”

Pat laughed sadly.

“None of us are I think,” Cole said, “Ok maybe me because yeah I did kind of have a thing going with like three guys for a while after Justin died. I mean like I wanted it to happen type of deal but, I don’t know.”

“You were grieving. Grief does weird shit to people,” Pat commented.

“I know I was,” Cole said, “Justin would have hated me for it though. He was always so about self-respect. He would have said you’re not respecting yourself Cole why can’t you respect yourself as much as I do?”

“What was Justin like personality wise?” Will asked.

“Angry a little bit near the end. He was so pissed that they could sign us off to each other on pieces of paper like it was nothing but we weren’t allowed to be with the person we wanted to be with. That we weren’t supposed to love each other. To want to be with each other. His Dad once told him I was his competition. That he was competing against me and all the other boys for the richest guy in the club because if he did catch his eye he could get into school anywhere, live anywhere. Do anything he wanted. That his dreams could come true. When all Justin really wanted was me,” Cole answered.

“Who is the richest guy in the club?” Will asked, “I mean I’ve seen Da’s portfolio and the number is high but I haven’t seen anyone else’s.”

“Well, now it would be your Da,” Cole answered, “At least that’s what the rumor is.”

“Really? We’re not that rich,” I said.

“Yeah, we kind of are,” Will said.

“How much did you see?” Pat asked.

“I can’t tell you 100% but from looking at assets plus money in all the banks somewhere north of 600,” Will answered.

“Million?” Pat asked.

“Yeah,” Will answered, “John you do realize we own four different houses in the US here alone. That’s not counting the apartment Da has in New York. The London Townhouse, the family estate on mum’s side in Ireland the vacation house in Spain or the one in Italy that we have never been to.”

“We haven’t been to most of those,” I answered, “Do I know they exists? Yes, but I never really thought about it.”

“Well you figure the ones in Spain and Italy and Ireland have horses and maids, and butlers and cooks and cars and everything else. It costs a lot of money to keep an estate running even if you’re not there to use anything on it,” Will said.

“I don’t get it why on earth are you living here in. I mean why if you could live someplace like Italy?” Pat asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“It has to do with his job I think. Lord wants him here. And mum wants to be where we are and he wouldn’t let us live somewhere he wasn’t at least not for very long,” Will answered.

“We were in boarding school in London for years and we weren’t living with him then,” I pointed out.

“No, we went home on weekends. Think about it. We have never lived without him besides Montana. And I read his emails. He paid for Uncle Ben to travel around to where ever because mum threatened that if she ever saw him again she would go to the cops. Da was in this crazy therapy. That’s how he meant Lord. That’s how we ended up here,” Will answered, “Did you know?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “He said something about him getting help once but I didn’t know what that meant.”

“It meant he was supposed to be seeing a therapist because mum knew. That’s why only us were sent away to boarding school. It wasn’t just because of our ages. You know how hard it was for mum to find a school to take all four of us? Especially when Mikey and Matty were only 5 or 6? It was because she knew,” Will said harshly.

“Yeah, I told her,” I said, “You don’t remember that I told her. I did. I told her what Uncle Ben was doing to me and when she asked me about Da I said he would be mad at me. I didn’t say no or yes but that he would be mad at me.”

“That’s when we were little little though. I’m talking about what he did to you. What Uncle Ben did to you that you never wanted to tell her. That you told her because I saw it. I’m talking about that,” Will said.

“Will,” I sighed, “She knew and he promised he’d get help so he got help. I didn’t think that meant…”

“What that he wouldn’t find other people like him in a group therapy for people like him? Are you kidding me? He never got better he never stopped ok?” Will said.

“It wasn’t as bad. It was weird ok but it’s not like he was…It wasn’t every weekend.”

“Not for you. You and mum would pass out. Who do you think that left? And mum was always tired and always pregnant. You were a dead sleeper back then.”

“Will, what are you saying?” I asked him.

“Don’t make me…” I cut him off.

“No, what are you saying?” I asked him.

“It was me ok? It was me. He’d come to me. He’d lay in bed with me and he’d touch me. And it scared me so bad. Half the time I was convinced he wasn’t the same person at night that he was during the day. That’s the only way I could explain to myself why he would do that. Why he would make me lay down with my legs together and he would…” 

Will trailed off going silent because he didn’t want to cry. I rubbed his head. I had no idea. I had shared a room with him the whole entire time we lived in that townhouse and I had no idea. I felt like someone had just dropped a brick on my head. Where London had been a little better for me it had been a nightmare for him. One that he had never told me about.

“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, “Will I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t know because I never told you,” he said, “Because I knew what he was probably doing to you was worse.”

“Like I said it wasn’t all the time,” I answered as Pat and Cole watched us silently.

“My Dad never didn’t do it as far as I know,” Pat answered, “And mum she looked the other way. He didn’t really go all the way with it until she left though. Until after Charlie.”

“Me it was after mom died,” Cole said.

There was a knock on the door and mum opened it smiling at us, “You are two staying for supper?” She asked both Cole and Pat.

“No, I think we’re going,” Pat said standing up and Cole followed him leaving motioning with his hand that he would call me later as I nodded my head.

Mum noticed how Will was hugging me. How I was comforting him, “Is everything ok?” Mum asked.

“Yeah we’re fine. Everything ok we were all just talking,” I answered.

“About what?” Mum asked curiously, “Will doesn’t do this so what’s…”

“Mum, please. Trust me we’re fine,” I said again my eyes pleading with her to drop it. To let me comfort my brother after the stuff he had just told me.

“I’m your mum you two can tell me anything,” she said, “Please tell me what this is about?”

“London,” Will mumbled into my shoulder.

“What love?” Mum asked him as she shut the door behind her.

“London,” he said louder his face still buried in my shoulder.

“What about London?” Mum asked sounding confused.

“When we lived in London apparently while you and I were asleep he’d come into our bedroom, my bedroom and Will’s bedroom. And he’d do things to him,” I said as Will clinged tighter to me, “Hey, it’s ok. It’s ok. I said it, ok? You don’t have to hold it in any more, all right? Don’t worry about it.”

“He couldn’t have been. He was always in bed when I went to bed and when I woke up. He couldn’t have been doing that,” Mum said making me flip a lid.

“You know how many times he did stuff to me when we lived here and you didn’t know? Because he went to sleep with you and woke up with you? It doesn’t take that long mum. It really doesn’t. He used to just do what he wanted and then leave ok? It wasn’t always like it is now,” I hissed.

“You’re right. I’m sorry Will. I wasn’t saying you were lying ok? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t believe you,” she said.

“You really have no idea how horrible it is do you? Really? Him coming into your room at night and making you…we can’t say no to him. We’re not allowed to say no to him. He gets so mad if we say no mum. He’ll punch me in the ribs or chest or side. He’ll choke me sometimes if I ever say no. You think he wouldn’t do the same thing to him? You know how old I was the first time Da touched me? He says I was too young to remember. How do you know he didn’t the same thing to everyone else?” I asked her.

“That’s not true your uncle touched you first you told me,” she said.

“He told me otherwise,” I said, “In a room full of people who then blind folded me and raped me.”

I felt Will stiffen in my arms shocked by what I had just said. I hushed him patting his back soothingly. It wasn’t his fault. He was shocked because it was something I didn’t talk about. Especially with him. What they did to me once the door was closed and it was just me and them.

“How did I not know?” She asked quietly.

“Because you saw what you wanted to?” I suggested shrugging my shoulders.

“I think you’re right. Until I got back here and realized how bad things were, I thought he was different. That he was better. I’m sorry I did this to you,” she said.

“You didn’t do it mum,” Will said finally letting go of me, “It was him. It’s always been him. Did you know he met Mr. Lord in London? When he was in treatment for his problem?”

“What?” She asked her mouth dropping wide open, “Mr. Lord is…? John? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it’s embarrassing?” I suggested, “To admit someone that old and ugly and weak has done that to you.”

“He’s a grown man and 60 isn’t that old. You might think it is but it’s not honey,” Mum said, “How are you supposed to defend yourself against a 60-year-old man when you’re a 13-year-old boy?”

I shrugged my shoulders. Not wanting to think about it, to talk about it. He had only touched me the one time maybe twice. Otherwise he was with someone else. Will or Mikey or James.

“He likes younger guys mum,” Will said.

“What do you mean?” She asked him.

“He huh, I’m above his age range,” I answered.

“I don’t understand. Are you saying when he comes over he’s not touching you but he’s touching someone else?” She asked us.

Will sighed, “Hold on mum,” he said getting up and leaving the room.

“What’s going on John?” She asked me, “What do you mean your above his age range?”

“Pat said that people like Da have ages that they prefer,” I answered, “That some of them like younger guys. Younger then me and Will. Mr. Lord is one of those guys who likes spending time with kids’ mum, real kids.”

“You mean like Mikey and Matty’s age or…” She was cut off as the door opened Will coming into the room with all three of them.

“Tell mum guys,” Will encouraged it’s ok.

“Da said we weren’t supposed to talk about it,” Mike said quietly.

“Tell her,” Will said again, “It’s ok you’re not in trouble. Tell her who comes to see you sometimes.”

“No,” Mike shook his head, “No.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders, “It doesn’t always hurt. It only hurt the first time.”

“What did?” Mum asked quietly and I could see that she feared the answer before she asked the question.

“When Mr. Lord did what Da does. When he stuck it inside me to make sure I was growing right. That I felt right inside,” Matty said simply.

Mum clapped a hand over her mouth and ran into the bathroom before slamming the door shut and I could hear her gagging from inside. She was throwing up. I don’t know if she was throwing up because of how unconcerned Matt had seemed when he said it or because of what he had said. Because he had admitted he was raped. That he had been raped by someone my mum had thought was a good man.

When she was done throwing up she flushed the toilet and came out her face wet with water from the sink, “Ok,” she said clearing her throat, “So Mr. Lord raped you?”

“What’s rape?” Mikey asked quietly.

“Well it’s when someone puts something in your butt or vagina if you have one and you don’t want them to. You tell them no and they do it anyway,” Will explained to Mikey.

“I don’t want to talk about it. We’re not supposed to talk about it. Da says it upsets mum,” Mike said.

“It hurt,” James said speaking for the first time in the whole conversation, “It hurt but only really bad the first time. Worse than when Da did it. But after John told me it was ok. He made sure they left me alone. He keeps us safe mum. Don’t be mad at him.”  
“Love why do you think I’d be mad at John?” Mum asked.

“Because you always look at him like that. Like he did something wrong. Like he’s bad but he’s not bad he’s nice. He’s good he’d never hurt us,” James said.

“Like what?” Mum asked.

“Like you hate him,” James answered, “He’d never hurt us.”

“I don’t hate John honey. I love John just like I love you,” she said to him.

I sighed. I wanted to believe it was true that she loved me, but the fact that again I wasn’t the only one who noticed the way something appeared to be shook me slightly. Shook me into believing that maybe James was right maybe she did hate me. And she’d probably hate me even more when she realized everything I had done. Everything I had let them do.

“Mum doesn’t hate me,” I assured him, “Mum loves all of us very much.”

“Thank you, John,” Mum said, “Speaking of, John what do you want to do for your birthday? We can do anything you like. We could have a pool party invite some of your classmates over. Do it on Friday invite some young ladies over too.”

“Well I know Celia and Delia and Ellen and I’m sure they know some other girls,” I answered, “I’d be ok with that.”

“Cool I’ll set it up then,” Mum said, “Pizza are you thinking or you want to do more of a tea meal?”

“Pizza is fine. Everyone likes pizza,” I answered.

“Ok, we’ll set it up. Just you and your friends outside in the pool area.” she said.

“Why can’t I come?” Will asked frowning.

“You can,” I told him.

I mean I might have still thought of him has my baby brother and a kid but I had stuck my dick in that kid at least twice so he deserved some respect for that. I didn’t mind having him hang out with my friends and me. That and he was mature for his age.

“Are you sure you’re ok with that John? I mean these are going to be your friends, high school kids,” Mum said.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Will knows a lot of them,” I answered, “And he’s mature. You know he’s mature and he’s smart as hell. He knows thing I don’t know.”

“Language,” Mum said, “As long as you’re ok with it. Because this is your party.”

“Yeah, it’s good mum,” I answered.

“Ok,” she said, “I’ll help you build a list, right? Now Cole and Patrick obviously and these girls right, Delia and Celia. Anyone else?”

“Yeah Dom and Adam, invite Alec and Alec too and Ellen. Someone else I can’t remember their …. oh! Talya. Dom would love it if Talya was there,” I said, “I can send out emails mum it’s no big.”

“You sure?” Mum asked me.

“Yeah mum. I have emails and if I don’t have them someone else does all right?” I assured her, “I’ll take care of it.”

 

And that was the start of my party. My party for me. My celebration of the little freedoms I was afforded. I actually went downstairs later that day to send out the emails all excited for my party when I heard a knock on the office door as I was sending an email to Brodric to let him know about the party.

“Come in,” I said typing at the computer.

“Hey baby,” Da said and I felt my body freeze cold.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo and Da talk about John's party and give him an ultimatum either invite Rich or don't have one at all. Will tells mum what he thinks of sharing their expierences with her acting very un-Will like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 993 to 1012. You're nearing the end of part 2 only 100 something pages left of part 2. Now you understand why updates on this have slowed down to every other week while I'm posting like crazy for Will. Because I don't have that much written for John's part 3. **Warnings: rape/non-con, mental health issues, disagreements, anxiety, self-esteem issues**

“Da,” I said.

“Did you forget you spend weekends with Leo? It’s going to be your first weekend off of restriction and your first weekend of break you think he’s going to let that go?” Da reminded me.

“It’s my birthday Da. Can’t you talk to him, ask him if he’ll let me just this once Da please?” I asked him.

“Ask him yourself,” he said, “I’m sure you could work something out with him.”

“Da please? I’m turning 14,” I told him.

“Yeah and your birthday celebration, the one that matters is getting pushed back until after Christmas because Leo wants to take you somewhere for new year’s. So, that’s when we’re going to have that celebration,” Da told me.

“Can you at least tell me what’s going to happen?” I asked him.

“Well, instead of blowing out 14 candles…” he said with a smirk, “Nah I’m not going to tell you. That would ruin the fun.”

“You were going to make a bad pun; let me guess. Instead of blowing out 14 candles 14 people are going to blow my candle? Nice Da, real nice. the one thing that I can’t fucking stand and that’s how you’re going to make me …” I shook my head.

“It won’t be bad. You’ll be healed and it will take over a week so it won’t be torture. It won’t be like the Villa or like the parties here. It will be nice and slow ok?” He said to me.

“Da that’s not very nice ok? It’s just not,” I said quietly shaking my head still finishing my email before I got up, “Can you please move? I want to leave.”

“I don’t have to be nice. I’m your Da,” he told me, “Was that your way of saying no? Because you know how I feel about that baby.”

“Like you would let me say that? Let me tell you that? I know better,” I admitted to him, “Please just let me leave.”

“Come here,” he said coming towards me causing me to back up again but not before he grabbed me by the wrist pulling me to him.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him I was done with him, with Leo. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I was 14. I deserved to be happy, to feel ok. To be a normal teenager with normal teenage feelings. I deserved to worry about popping random boners in math class without my teacher noticing and wanting to feel me up or eyeing my crotch. I deserved to have crushes and worry about kissing who I wanted to when I wanted to.

But I wasn’t that boy. I wasn’t a normal teenager and I never would be. I was a teenager whose father sold him to other guys to fuck. I was the teenager who got his first blow job when he was six and had anal sex for the first time when he was 8. I was the teenage boy who had never masturbated because he wasn’t allowed to. Whose first kiss had been a French kiss from his own Da. I was that kid. The freak, the whore the disgusting slut. That’s who I was.

“Hey, it’s ok,” he said burying his head in my neck, “God you’re getting so tall. I swear you’re taller every time I hug you.”

“Da please,” I told him his hands traveling down my sides, “I’m not supposed to yet.”

“I can’t do anything in the front doesn’t mean I can’t get off,” he told me rubbing my butt through my sweat pants.

“Da please,” I begged him as he kissed hard into my neck biting the collar of my shirt along with my skin as I started to struggle against him.

“We can take this to the guest room, make it quick,” he said and I felt him smile against my neck.

“Da please,” I said, “Please I really don’t…” 

He cut me off grabbing my shoulder tightly pulling me away so he could look at me, “You didn’t just say don’t did you? Listen to me; you might be 14 but you are far from being in charge. You understand me? You don’t say I can’t do anything. You’re lucky I don’t bend you over that desk and spank you. You’re lucky I want a bed.”

I felt my eyes stinging. I didn’t want to do this and I was trying to tell him I really didn’t want to do this and yet he had taken it that way. After he had told me that I needed to clear my party with Leo even though it was the day after my birthday. That he was going to take me somewhere and let 14 guys have sex with me in order to celebrate the fact that I was 14. That 14 different guys were going to hold me down as I tried to figure out whether they wanted me to scream and cry and beg them to stop or moan like I enjoyed it or be silent. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m sorry Da. I didn’t mean it like that. Let’s just…ok?”

“Yeah,” he said grabbing me hard by the butt forcing me up off the ground where I had no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist as his lips found mine kissing me harshly, fast his tongue wrestling with mine.

He used the wall to support us for a minute in the hallway, his hands starting to move up my shirt. Me starting to freak out. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t what I wanted. This wasn’t ok.

He managed to get me into the bedroom and dropped me on the bed yanking my pants and boxers off and I decided to do something I had never done before. I decided to fight as hard as I could because I didn’t want him inside of me. I didn’t want him doing that to me. This wasn’t ok. This was very far from ok.

When I looked up he was naked as he pulled at the hem of my shirt again. I grabbed it trying to pull it back down, “Da please.” I said.

“Baby you just said you would. You know I won’t hurt you. It’ll be fun ok? You make me feel good. on Wednesday when you’re in the clear I’ll make you feel good ok?”

“Da,” I said shaking my head trying to pull my shirt out of his hands kicking out at him trying to kick him in the crotch.

“Oh, we’re not playing that game baby,” he said shaking his head, “You want to fight I’ll restrain you. You want that? You think you’re big enough to fight me?”

He got up trying to roll me over grabbing me by the back of the neck forcing my face down into the mattress as I kicked and tried to grab his arm. But I couldn’t. He rolled me like I was nothing pinning my legs between his knees before I felt his hand came down hard on my ass making me flitch just the sound of skin against skin. He did it again harder this time I felt the smack move up my spine.

“Look at that ass bounce, you have such a nice ass,” he said hitting it again harder making me bite my lips together to keep from screaming out, “Really nice ass baby.”

He kept spanking me until it was red and raw and then his kissed my spine and the base of my neck, “It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything from this angle hasn’t it baby? God, I love your perfect little body.”

I threw my elbow out and managed to catch him in the side or someplace else before he grabbed both my arms and slammed them into the mattress squeezing the top of my hands as he pushed them down pushing his body weight against my back rubbing his hardness against the small of my back making me squirm as I let out a wordless growl.

“So, going to be tough now that you think you’re a big boy? You might be a year older but you’re still mine, this,” he said squeezing my wrist making the bones grind, “Is mine, this,” he said grabbing the back of my neck and putting pressure there before he pulled his hand away and bit and started sucking on it, “Is mine, these…” He said kissing the back of my shoulders and I felt my face go red with embarrassment as I kept struggling wanting him to stop.

“Are mine, this…” he said shifting his weight and licking down my spine, down the center of my back, “Is mine. And this,” he said his tongue going lower dipping past the small of my back and into my ass crack his tongue circling my asshole as I bit my lips together starting to cry, “Is mine and I’m going to use it anytime I want to for whatever I want to you understand me? I don’t care how old you are, I don’t care if you’re fucking married if I want it you’re going to let me have it you understand me?”

He spit into his hand forcing his fingers inside and then pulled them out before he shoved himself inside of me the push into me tearing making me scream. I felt the blood started to slick my insides making it hurt less, making it rip and stick less as he moaned on top of me. He didn’t even car that he was hurting me. He kept telling me how good I felt. That was what hurt the most.

“That’s it baby oh yeah. You’re my little cum slut aren’t you baby, want me to fill you with my cum? That’s it baby, god you feel so good,” he muttered kissing the back of my neck again before he climaxed his sperm mixing with my blood inside of me making me feel slimy and gross and then he got off of me, hugging me close to him making me stay with him as he grabbed the phone on the night stand.

“Lionel? Yeah, it’s me I won’t be returning to work today. I need to give some attention to someone. Yeah, no, he thinks because his birthday is soon and he has some stitches he can be a brat so I had to be a little rough. I think he needs some time with me. Yeah, no I understand. Right, why do you think I don’t take real vacation days that often? Yeah, I’ll come in tomorrow earlier that’s fine, yeah, I understand thanks,” Da said and hung up.

I laid there crying. Because I was sore. Because I was hurt. Because he thought what I was pretty sure everyone else knew. That I was a slut. That, the only thing I mattered for was the fact I had a hole to stick it into and a dick to suck cum out of. Cum that tasted sweet. All I was good for was sex. Sex I didn’t want and I didn’t ask for and most of the time down right begged and pleaded so I didn’t have to have it.

“I know you don’t understand what that was for but, you can’t do that to me ok? You can’t say no to me, you can’t behave like that you understand? I love you but, I can’t have that. You obey me just like I ask your mother and your brothers and sisters to obey me,” he said hugging me to his chest.

“I get it,” I said quietly making sure I didn’t move or struggle. Making sure I didn’t do anything that would appear like I was fighting back, like I was trying to disobey him.

“Good, I didn’t mean to hurt you baby I’m sorry ok? I love you, I meant everything I said. I love your body,” he said running a hand down my side and over my hip, “God I wish I hadn’t of been so rough because then we could both really enjoy ourselves. Should I call Dr. Palmer to have him just check you out?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think it’s too bad. I think I’ve been through worse.”

“Oh, I’m sure you have. I’ve never received doubles but it seems like it hurts,” Da said.

“Da I don’t…” He cut me off.

“Want to talk about it? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he told me rubbing my back looking at me closely, “When you do that you’re helping me. You’re helping me with work, with social arrangements, investments and you’re helping yourself. You’re helping yourself with future connections that are going to get you into Oxford or Harvard or Brown, or Yale. You could get into any school you wanted because of these people if you impress the right ones. Have any career you wanted.”

“What if I don’t want to go to university Da? What if I want to own a cattle ranch?” I asked him.

“One you’re not owning a cattle ranch. You’re going to university. There’s no discussion about it and two if you wanted to maybe one of these guys would invest in that cattle ranch dream of yours. I know at least two that if one had the money they’d fight to invest in your cattle ranch,” Da said smiling.

“Yeah, funny,” I said.

“Well, he likes you. Hank does. Did you know he fought over contracting you for weeks with Leo and a couple other people? It was crazy. In the end he couldn’t beat what Leo was offering,” Da told me.

“You mean the money I’m worth? How much is that by the way?” I asked him.

“For six months a good amount,” Da said, “That’s all you need to know.”

“I’m not allowed to know how much I’m worth?” I asked.

“Don’t take that tone with me,” he warned, “You’re priceless to me and that’s why I don’t want to tell you. You don’t need to know how much in your trust until you have to use it.”

“Just like we don’t need to know how much money in assets and investments and income you have? Like we don’t need to know how much we’re going to inherit when you and mum die?” I asked him.

“What are you talking about? We’re well off. You know we’re well off and you will never have to worry about anything but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to get an education or work and support yourself,” he said, “Baby where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know Da. I just never thought about it before and it’s something that everyone has been talking about lately, money. I want to know what it is I have because I don’t know anything about it,” I told him.

“You don’t have anything if you want to be technical not until you’re 21. If you’re asking how much you’re mum and I have we have enough to be comfortable. Look when you don’t have money it’s all you ever talk about and when you do have it you just know you have it and that you don’t have to worry about anything. We have plenty of homes and you can have anything you want but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to earn it. You understand?” 

“Yeah, I already got that. I understand that I have to earn everything I get. I understand that. Does earning things have to be with…with them though?” I asked him not wanting to look at him.

“Well, it depends on if you can behave and be good. If you can be good for me after you’re healed I’ll think about it ok? You miss it just being us? Just you and I?” He asked me.

That’s had not been what I meant at all. I hated him more then I hated the rest of them but not as deeply as I hated him. He had allowed someone to take my childhood away. My innocence, something I didn’t remember having and things I could never get back and he was doing the same thing to my siblings everyday they were near him.

. Slowly chipping away at those things every time he looked at them, spoke to them or allowed someone near them who wanted to hurt them. Every time he climbed into their bed at night and touched them in ways he wasn’t supposed to.

“Maybe,” I said. It wasn’t really a lie but it could be mistaken as one. I wasn’t admitting that I hated him. Hated what he did to me but I wasn’t saying that I liked it either.

“Really? I thought you and Leo were getting along. He says that you meet all of his needs and that you’re really good at it. That you are apprehensive to entertain other people even when he gives you permission,” Da said.

“It’s because it’s something I don’t want to do. You know I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it with him,” I said quietly.

“I know but like I said in the end you’ll benefit I promise,” Da repeated.

“Yeah that’s what you keep saying,” I answered.

“Don’t you remember what it was like? With Grandpa?” I asked him.

“HEY! You watch it. That’s different. I didn’t get a damn thing out of that and you know it. It’s not the same thing,” he said to me, “Your grandpa was looking to hurt me, your grandpa was a mean angry man who took it out on anyone that he was around. I’m not like that to you and you know I’m not.”

“I didn’t say you were,” I told him, “I’m just saying that it doesn’t make me feel very good ok? Having to…do those things with all those guys.”

“Baby half the time they’re more interested in your cock then your mouth. All you have to do is lay there,” he told me.

“Yeah and spread my legs so they can…do whatever they want,” I said my eyes starting to sting, “It hurts. It hurts that that’s all they think of me Da. That that’s all I’m good for.”

“So, Leo is making you feel like that’s all you’re good for? You’re so much more than that. I mean you’re really good at that but, I’ll talk to him ok? Contracts aren’t all about that. He’s supposed to take care of your needs,” Da said.

I nodded my head. That was bullshit. That was exactly what it was about and every single bottom knew it. It was so some rich old asshole had a hole to shove it in that he found attractive. It was an excuse to abuse kids under the guise of a business arrangement.

“Good, you know what? I think I’ll call Leo right now you can ask him about your party. You have what three days before you’re in the clear for that type of play time and then in four days you’re 14? We’ll get it all set up all ok?” he said dialing Leo’s number and hitting a button the cradle.

“Hello this is Dr. Swartzman how can I help you?” Leo said from the other side of the phone. Both of them together making my anxiety sky rocket.

“Hey Leo, it’s me and John. John is turning 14 on Thursday as I’m sure you know. So, we have a favor to ask. He wants to have a pool party on Friday after school. It’s the first day of break the day after his birthday. So, if you could come get him on Saturday morning instead of Friday after school that would be great,” Da said.

“Ok, I kind of have a problem with that. I was going to take him to Ocean club. I guess I can call and push it back two or three days since it’s a Villa rental. But yeah, we were going to just hang on the beach do some fun things. He’ll be able to…”

Da cut off his words, “Oh yeah for sure he’ll be cleared for that. He’s right here if you want to talk to him.”

“Is he? Can he hear me?” Leo asked his voice getting lighter, happier at the thought of me being able to hear him.

“Yeah he can hear you. You know him he’s just quiet,” Da answered.

“Hi beautiful how are you today?” Leo said. 

I didn’t want to speak with him. I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say or anywhere he wanted to take me. He only wanted to take me there so he could hear me beg him to stop, to let me go and so he could ignore it.

“Say hi baby. Don’t be shy,” Da said to me.

“Hi Leo, I’m ok,” I said quietly, “How are you?”

“I miss you,” Leo answered, “You can have your party if you let Rich and couple of his friends come ok? Does that sound fair since you’re cutting my weekend with you short?”

“I think that sounds pretty fair. But you’re inviting girl’s, right?” Da asked me and I nodded my head, “Yes he says Rich can come but he’ll be in mixed company. So Rich needs to keep his more suggestive comments very quiet or to himself. I’m sure you can understand that right Leo?”

“Yes, of course I’ll let him know. I don’t see a problem with that. He should be able to. I know he’s older then a lot of the kids that will probably be there but that’s why I think him bringing one or two friends would benefit everyone,” Leo said.

“That’s fine. Isn’t it baby? In order to have your party you don’t have a problem with any of that right?” Da asked me.

“No, it’s fine,” I lied because like they would give me any other options. I was either going to be having the party with Dick there or I wasn’t going to having it at all is the way they made it sound.

“Good. Well I guess I’ll see you Friday then so your Dad and I can talk about some final travel plans for our celebration of your birthday,” Leo said.

“Yeah we’ll wait to talk about that ok? There are certain things him and I haven’t gone over yet that I would like to be a surprise,” Da said.

“Ok then,” Leo sighed, “Ok beautiful. I’ll talk to you on Friday and maybe I can take you home later that night ok?”

“Ok,” I answered, “Bye Leo.”

“Bye Leo I’ll see you Friday,” Da said.

“Yep,” Leo replied and then hung up the phone.

My Da turned and looked at me frowning slightly. My whole body was tingling from just that phone call. From them talking about me, the things they wanted to do to me being unspoken but implied. The things Dick was going to say to me whenever I got within ear shot at my own party that I had to allow him to come to or not have at all.

“You all right baby?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I lied, “Yeah I’m all right I just…I’m tired. Da, can I go back upstairs now?”

“No how about you nap here with me instead no sex just cuddles, ok? Are you still bleeding? I know I was a little rough and I’m sorry,” he said pulling me into his chest holding me there.

I felt like I was being squeezed to death even though he was barely holding me. That’s not what I had meant. I had meant I was tired as in I needed a drink which I hadn’t had besides that one beer, that I needed to wash him off my skin and watch the water run tinged pink until I didn’t feel like a sex toy anymore. But that’s what Da would want. He’d want me to smell like him. To stew in it.

“Da please,” I said.

“Please what,” he said starting to kiss into my neck roughly.

“Da, Da you said,” I started crying making sure I didn’t push him away.

“No, I won’t I promise. We can do it just like when you were little you remember? You just used to close your legs and I’d just rub and it would do the job. We can do that right? God, you taste so good. I can’t wait to be able to make you feel good again. Taste you there. Think of it this way at least you don’t have to worry about Leo this weekend huh?”

Hearing him say that sent that ice-cold chill pouring down my spine. I hated it when they did that and he knew it. He knew I hated that. That it was something I couldn’t control my response to. Not that I could control my response to anything.  
He kept kissing at my neck, pushing at me pushing me into my mattress and I closed my eyes trying to breathe, trying to keep myself calm because I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening. That just like when I was with Leo I had to let it happen.

“God damn it!” He said loudly, “Hold on I’ll be back. It’s not fair to you so, I’ll go take care of it unless you…want to help me out?”

He wasn’t asking me he was telling me to. That I had to. It wasn’t something he did too often but when he wanted it just like everything else I wasn’t allowed to say no. I nodded my head as he laid back and I put my hands around his hardness. It felt heavy against my palm the hair feeling scratchy like it always did. Not that I often felt it touch me anywhere but against my ass.

I sighed closing my eyes taking a deep breath before I put my mouth around it. Trying to open my throat to keep myself from gagging on it. The taste of it against my tongue making me feel sick. He moaned grabbing the back of my head running his hands through my hair and then he pushed my face deeper into his crotch as he came down my throat before he let go of his tight hold letting me back up for air.

I swallowed. Of course, I swallowed. I’d been trained to swallow it no matter how gross and how much it felt and tasted like salty snot from the time I was 4 years old.

“Thank you, baby,” he said kissing my forehead forcing me to lay back down with him again, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know, I love you too.” I said on auto pilot as there was a soft knock on the door.

“Baby you weren’t in your office did you decide to…” Mum started to say as the door opened Da grabbing a pillow and throwing it at me as he grabbed his shirt and used it to cover himself.

“Dani girl,” he said, “You should wait a minute between knocking and opening the door.”

“What were you doing with him?” She asked her eyes shifting between him and I.

“We were just talking,” he answered her.

“Just talking with both of you naked in bed together? He’s your son, our son,” Mum nearly hissed.

“Dani girl, sweetie. You know we’ve talked about this. There isn’t anything wrong here I’m just showing him…”

“How much you love him? He’s your son. You don’t do that with your son. With our son, none of them understand? You keep your hands off him. You don’t do this with him,” Mum said, “Come on sweetie.”

She held out her hand to me asking me to come with her as Da put an arm around my waist pulling me into his chest, “He’s mine. You can go Dani. I’ll be with you later ok?”

“John do you want to stay here with him?” She asked me.

What did I do? Did I worry about him hitting me or choking me in front of her, hurting me because I told him no I didn’t. Or did I worry about her being angry with me and thinking I was disgusting because I nodded my head yes even though it wasn’t true? I wasn’t sure what to do.

“Tell her you want to stay with me or she can watch and we can do it again got it?” He hissed into my ear quietly.

“I’ll stay,” I said not able to look her in the face. Not able to explain why because he would hate me for it, because he would make us both suffer. Because I wasn’t allowed to say no.

“You heard him shut the door and go,” Da said.

“Isn’t he injured though? Down there?” She asked us.

“Don’t worry we’re not doing that. We’re just having some fun right John?” Da asked me.

“I’m ovulating,” Mum said suddenly, “You asked me to start testing so we could start trying for another baby and I’m ovulating right now so if you want to you should let him go upstairs.”

“Ok, just give us a minute,” Da said to which mum curtly nodded her head and shut the door.

“Ok baby I have to be with mum now ok? But I still love you more. I’ll be thinking of you,” He told me kissing me again on the lips before he forced his tongue past my mouth.

I didn’t want to kiss him like that. I didn’t want any more of this, I was done. If he was going to give me up so he could have mum I was fine with that but I wanted it to be done. I wanted him to quit kissing me. I wanted him to get his tongue out of my mouth to stop touching me. As I wished for that it was like he had read my mind and pulled away his tongue finding my neck and trailing down my collar bone, making me bite my lip because I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to make a sound.

“Ok,” he said removing his lips from my skin, “You should get dressed, decent so you’re mum and I can…”

“Yeah,” I said sitting up like someone had lit a fire under me scrambling off the bed and grabbing my t-shirt pulling it over my head and grabbing my sweat pants pulling them on foregoing my underwear which I didn’t see anyway and running to the door and leaving.

I didn’t even wait for mum to say anything as I walked past her pressing the button on the elevator hoping I didn’t have to talk to her. Holding my breath, just wanting to go upstairs and shower it away. Shower all of it away.

“John!” Mum said loudly causing me to turn around, “Did you mean it?”

“Dani baby, you two can talk about it later,” Da called from inside the bedroom, “Let’s get this done all right?”

“Ok I’m coming baby,” she said turning around and going into the guest suite and shutting the door behind her.

I got into the lift. So, she really thought I wanted it. That I wanted to be with him? To have sex with him? To let him…no NO NO. I didn’t want any of that. Not ever. Not when I was little, not last week, not last month, last year, not before she walked in and not after. How could she not understand I was protecting her? That it was for her that I said yes. By the time I got out of the lift I was crying so hard I couldn’t see what was happening.

“Jack,” James said as I flew past him and into my room slamming the door behind me tearing off my clothes as I got into my bathroom.

A couple minutes later as I was climbing into the shower I heard a knock and I just hoped it wasn’t uncle Ben when the door opened without waiting for a response as I made sure I kept my tears as silent as possible.

“John?” I heard Will say causing me to sigh in relief, “Are you ok?”

“You should have seen the look on her face,” I muttered, “Cat is right she…she hates me.”

“Who?” Will asked confused sticking his head beyond the curtain to frown at me.

“Mum,” I answered bringing my knees into my chest.

“No, she doesn’t,” Will said.

“Yes, she does. You didn’t see the look on her face when she…” I trailed off not wanting to talk about it.

“When she what?” Will asked me.

“She walked in. He …and she walked in,” I stuttered.

“Wait when you went downstairs to do the emails. He made you do stuff? But what about the …?” I cut Will off.

“He didn’t care. He said he wanted to get off. That it wasn’t about me,” I said.

Will frowned and made a face like he had swallowed a lemon all at the same time, “Ewe.”

“She really does hate me. She looked at me like I was, well I guess what I am,” I said.

“That’s not true. She doesn’t hate you at all John. I mean it’s mum. Mum couldn’t hate you no matter what. I think she’s mad at him for doing this to you,” he said.

“She asked me if I wanted to leave and he made me say no. he said if I didn’t say no to her that he would do things to me and make her watch. So, I said no and now she hates me,” I said again quietly looking at my knees and lowering myself to the bottom of the tub before I wrapped my arms around them my throat getting tight as I tried not to cry.

“Maybe she just didn’t understand? Explain it to her when she comes back. She has to know you didn’t want that,” Will said quietly frowning at me.

“No, she’s hates me Will. She does, she hates me,” I insisted as the realization hit me. She wanted me to be with him, with them so no one else had to. She wanted me to do things with them so they would leave everyone else alone. She hated me, she really hated me.

“John, John it’s ok. She doesn’t hate you. I swear she doesn’t hate you,” Will said as my bedroom door was thrown open mum coming into the bedroom.

“John, I don’t hate you,” Mum said having apparently overheard that part of our conversation, “But why?”

She frowned her lips a thin line of concern and confusion as she looked at me. Her eyes more sad and hurt than angry. She wanted to understand. She wanted to know why.

“He would hurt you. The worst way he could if I would have gone with you,” I said.

“There is nothing he can do to me that would hurt me as much as knowing he’s doing that to you, to any of you,” she answered, “If I would have left you in that room he would have done whatever it was he was doing again and I couldn’t stand that thought.”

“He was going to do it in front of you!” I nearly shouted, “Mum you can’t…I can’t…it’s bad enough everyone knows let alone someone seeing it.”

“Honey you think I would let him do that to you in front of me? Never. That would never happen. I would claw his fucking eyes out of his head. Sometimes I just want to on principal. Did you know I tried to kill him before we left for Montana? I gave him an overdose of sleeping pills before he left for New York he was sick for days you remember?” She asked me.

Will and I both shook our heads. I didn’t remember that at all. I remembered him saying he was busy with work too busy with work to spend time with us but I didn’t remember him being sick.

“Yeah, he could barely keep his eyes open when it didn’t work was when we took off. We were going to be taking off either way but, I wanted him dead so he couldn’t come after you. After any of you,” She said.

“You know how Da thinks of him,” Will said suddenly catching all the attention in the room, “Da will always go after him first and foremost. You know it and I know it and so do the babies mum. Everyone knows how Da feels about him. Even Catty knows. I’m pretty sure Andy and Laura know too they just don’t understand it yet.”

“What do you mean Catty knows?” She asked him.

“When Pat and John sat down with her and explained some stuff to her she said you mean how Da loves you? To him…not how Da love mum but John. She understands,” Will told her, “We all understand mum and we know it’s wrong. It kills him.”  
Will looked at me angry tears fighting to free themselves from his tear ducts. He knew how badly it hurt me. To know that Da didn’t see me the way he should. That Da wanted more from me then what he wanted from everyone else. That Da wanted me to feel things for him romantically, things I couldn’t feel for anyone. Things I couldn’t imagine myself feeling for anyone but Pat.

“Don’t lie about it mum. You can’t lie about it anymore,” Will said and mum sighed drawing a hand back through her hair that was hanging loose and wild down her shoulders, the curls cascading down her back like a red waterfall over the top of a cliff.  
“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “Ok. Don’t say yes to him though. Not ever.”

“Mum,” I said quietly, “I’m not allowed to say no. You know how he is with school work, with chores? How when he says do it we have to do it then and there. There are no arguments, no discussions, no nothing. He’s that way with everything. I say no he hurts. He makes sure it hurts he chokes me.”

“He chokes you?” She asked her frown deepening.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “It hurts. Ok? I can lay there and…” My words faltered trying to explain it to her. Why it seemed like I was ok with it happening. Why it seemed like it was something I wanted when I hated it and it made me want to flay myself.  
“He can either let it happen or he can get bruised and beaten on top of it,” Will finished for me quietly.

“He does that to you too?” Mum asked him.

“Sometimes,” Will answered, “Sometimes it’s just easier to try and go away in your head then to deal with the healing bruises and bite marks mum.”

“He is always like that?” She asked choking on her words, “Is he always that violent?”

“Isn’t he with you?” Will asked her.

“We’re not discussing my sex life,” Mum said.

“But it’s ok for you to discuss ours? Because that’s exactly what he thinks of it. You know and we know it mum. It might be forced, it might be rape but he doesn’t see it that way. If he does he doesn’t care,” Will said, “So why it is ok for you to ask us these questions and not ok for us to ask you?”

“Because your young men and I’m your mother,” she said.

“Yeah but we’re all fucking the same person, at least one of them is the same person,” Will pointed out.

“Will…” Mum warned him before he cut her off.

“You know how hypocritical it is for you to come up to us and ask us how we can do this or that or the other thing with him? What he does to us when you yourself aren’t willing to talk about what he does to you, you can’t be willing to sleep with him mum. You’d have to be crazy to want to have sex with him after knowing what he does to us. You know how fucking stupid you would have to be to actually believe he wants to be with you?”

“William that is enough!” Mum hissed at him, “What happens between your father and I is just that, it’s between us. You’re my kids. I need to know what he’s doing to you. I need you write it down so when the time comes…”

“News flash mum it’s not coming. The time when we can go to the police and get him thrown into prison? That will never happen mum. We have to deal with this. We have to figure this out. We’re stuck in this since he’s made it perfectly clear disappearing is a lot harder then you thought it would be,” Will hissed back.

“William Arthur Caleb Henry that is enough!” Mum barked her eyes flashing, “Go to your room now!”

She pointed her finger at my bedroom door menacingly. I had never seen mum mad at anyone like that before besides Da. Will was just telling the truth. He was being honest. It didn’t make sense that she got to ask questions like that to us but we couldn’t ask her those same questions. He had a fair point.

He shook his head and left my bedroom nearly slamming the door as he went and she sighed looking at it sadly, “Are you ok?” She asked me.

“I’m fine mum,” I lied, “It’s not anything I’m not used to. I mean, is it?”

“That doesn’t make it ok,” she said, “Now is he always that violent?”

“Mum, I’m not going to talk about it with you ok?” I answered quietly feeling beyond tired.

“Love I’m not asking you what he did to you only if he’s always that violent,” she said pleading with me, “I don’t need to know what he did ok? I’m not going to ask you that. Will is right it’s not fair I ask you boys those things and yet I’m not willing to discuss those same things with you but does he always threaten to hurt people to get you to do whatever it is he makes you do? Does he always threaten to hurt you?”

“Usually it’s if I don’t he’ll go get someone else,” I answered her question quietly, “Will, the twins, James, just someone else.”

“That’s not right. I’ll talk to him about that,” she said to me and I sighed.

“Like that is going to make anything any different?” I scoffed at her, “You just got the most truthful and honest thing anyone one of us as ever had to say about it this whole mess and you sent him to his room. If you want to talk to someone about what we’re going to do, how any of this is going to get anywhere close to being fixed, talk to Will because I’m not in the mood. I have to worry about just surviving and how I’m going to deal with the fact that he makes me do the stuff he does ok? No one else deals with them as much as I do and I’m tired mum. I’m so tired of it all the time,” I said my tears finally breaking, “I’m tired mum.”

“I know love,” she said sitting down next to me on my bed, “I can’t imagine how you feel especially after I said what I did a while ago. It wasn’t fair for me to say that to you.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I already try mum. The only thing I can do to draw their attention even more is run around naked.”

“Well you’re not doing that. You already dress like you live in the artic to make sure you don’t draw their attention. I’ve seen enough abuse in my life to know that’s why you do it. So, you don’t draw their attention,” Mum said.

“It makes me feel safer. He undresses me with his eyes every time I’m in a room with him anyway,” I said hugging myself, “So I know it doesn’t really matter but it makes me feel better. My skin is all scared and gross anyway so why do I need to show it to everyone?”

“I just worry you’ll over heat sometimes. It’s not exactly cold here like it is back home,” she said.

“I feel better this way,” I said “The more clothes I wear the safer I feel just in general. You don’t know what it’s like.”

“I had a friend back in college when I was a girl. When you’re Da and I first started dating. She was hurt at a party and one of the first things she did was start wearing baggy clothes so yeah, I understand where it comes from. Believe it or not I get it.”

“No mum, you don’t get it. You don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to hate your body. To feel trapped in it. All because someone decided to…” I trailed off not wanting to have to explain it to her.

What it felt like to have your body betray you. To have it respond to things that you didn’t even want to happen. And that wasn’t counting the things he said about me, about my body. How it felt good and tasted good, how it belonged to him and not to me. It was too hard to explain. It hurt too much.

“John we’ve been over this love, your body is made to respond to things a certain way. That doesn’t mean that you want those things to happen,” she said her words being exactly what I needed to hear, “Your body doesn’t know the difference between wanted and unwanted. It just knows what it’s feeling. It doesn’t pay attention to your brain. That’s not how body work.”

“I hate it,” I mumbled.

“I know. I imagine it’s unpleasant but it’s not your fault. You know you didn’t do anything right? That you didn’t do anything to deserve this? You know this is my fault and not yours, right?”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” I said to her, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore mum.”

“Ok. I have to go talk to your brother,” she said looking at the door, “John I love you and I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry,” I sighed, “I’m sorry too.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. Your brother pointed out things I needed to hear that were hard to swallow but, they are true,” she said smiling sadly, “So, I think I owe him a talking to. And watch your swearing around him because that’s what really tanned my hide was the language that he used. He’s 11 he shouldn’t speak that way.”

“Ok mum, I’ll be careful with the swearing,” I said, “I’m tired so can I just lay down for a little while?”

“You’re not drinking again, are you?” She asked me.

I shook my head. I wanted a drink. I wanted one badly but I knew that I couldn’t have one. That having one would mean falling back into old habits. Bad habits I was already starting to pick back up. Habits where I was too mudded and drunk to do anything but sleep. Habits where I didn’t eat because I wasn’t hungry and my stomach hurt which was a problem I still had. 

“Good,” she answered me nodding her head, “I really hope you don’t start up again.”

“I’m trying not to mum,” I said, “I really am trying it’s just hard.”

“I know I said I wouldn’t ask you about that type of stuff but I have one question just one and then you can lay down for a while ok?” She said.

“What?” I asked quietly preparing myself for whatever embarrassing question she might ask.

“I saw your thigh, it had a w on it? Did one of them do that to you?” She asked me quietly.

I felt my face flush red. What did I tell her? Did I lie and say yes or did I tell her the truth? That I was trying to crave the word whore into my leg? Because that’s what I was, that was all I was, was Da’s whore. His whore son that he was in love with. That he wanted to love him back and he couldn’t force to do so, so he pimped him out instead.

“No,” I said deciding on the truth, “It was me, I did it. It wasn’t them.”

Her expression changed from a sad calmness to and confused hurt again, “Why love?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “It seemed like a good idea at the time. It seemed easier.”

“Then what?” She asked me.

“Then keeping it trapped inside. Sometimes when I do that, I watch the blood drip and it’s all like all of the bad things they make me feel, all the things they make me do are draining away with the blood like poison. It makes me feel better,” I answered.

“You can’t do that anymore. What if you really hurt yourself? What if you accidentally hit an artery or vein or what if you get an infection and lose your leg?” She said.

“I doubt it would happen but maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe then they would leave me alone,” I answered.

“Honey I don’t think it’s something you can do or not do that would make it stop. I’ll get us out of here but I don’t know when or how but we obviously need to go farther away then Montana when we do,” she said.

“He made me invite some people to my birthday party that I don’t want there,” I said quietly, “Can you see if I can uninvite them?”

“I’ll talk to him,” she said, “Is this about your weekends?”

I nodded my head. By now she had an idea that I wasn’t going to a friend’s house but she wasn’t sure how to stop it. I still hadn’t told her who it was. That it was Leo, her doctor, my doctor. That he made me have sex with him. That I basically spent my weekend in his house shirtless watching TV and letting him have sex with me whenever he wanted me to.

“Yeah, they said I can’t have it if I don’t invite them,” I answered.

“I don’t know what to tell you love, just ignore them ok? Your party is in two days. Do you want a DJ or anything?” She asked me.

“No, a CD player and some CD’s is fine,” I answered, “Cole and Pat will bring some stuff. No caterer just pizza and soda nothing fancy.”

“What are you going to do about the bathing suit situation?” She asked me referring to my chest and my scars and the fact that I didn’t like being uncovered.

“Wear a t-shirt. Most of my scars are covered by a t-shirt so it’s not a big deal. At least a couple of the guys there will wear them too. Pat will be wearing one I’m pretty sure and Dom if he comes,” I answered.

“Who is Dom?” Mum asked, “Have I met him?”

“No, he doesn’t get a chance to get out of the house a lot. He’s a cool guy though. You’ll like him. He’s nice. I’m hoping his brother Adam can come too I invited them both, and some of the girls, Ellen, Talya, Celia, I invited her triplet siblings too, Brodric and Delia as well even though I don’t really get along with Delia,” I said.

“Why don’t you get along with Delia?” Mum asked, “You don’t hang out with many girls.”

“Well, you know Pat and I are close? She…” Mum cut me off.

“I see, I can understand why that would create some hard feelings. Especially if she really cared about Patrick,” Mum said.

“It didn’t happen on purpose you know?” I asked her.

“I know. You’ve explained it to me and so have Cole and Patrick. I believe you. I believe that it’s a relationship that formed because you lack interaction with other people. That it’s not as physical as it appears to be. I honestly don’t believe either one of you are …. I try to look at it as a very close friendship,” she told me, “I have to go chat with your brother now.”

“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head, “Thank you, for letting me have a party.”

 

“Of course, I’m letting you have a party. It might be a bit chilly for an outdoor pool party so I figured indoor would be fine. Inside we have the hot tub and the sauna so that’s even more fun,” she said, “Now rest. I’ll go talk to your brother. I love you John.”  
“I love you too mum,” I said as she got up and left my room opening and closing the door behind her.

I was really intrigued and wanted to know what she had to say to Will but didn’t think ease dropping was worth the hassle so I waited pulling the covers over my head and must have ended up falling asleep for a while because after a bit of time had passed there was a knock on my door and Will came in without me giving him permission.

“Dinner is ready,” he said sitting on the foot of my bed, “I talked to mum.”

“And?” I asked him.

“She said she was sorry but that I had a valid point. That I shouldn’t swear so much,” he told me.

“Yeah, the swearing is apparently something that gets to her,” I said to him nodding my head.

“Can I ask you something?” He said.

“Sure, something serious?” I asked.

“No, just curious about why you invited me to your party. I mean you used to like kick me out of the room when it was you three together. So, I’m wondering why you would want me to hang around with you and your friends on your birthday,” he said.

“Well,” I said thinking about it, “If you’re old enough for me to screw you’re old enough for me to hang with you. And you’re my friend too Will. I mean you’re my brother but you’re my friend and you get this, you get me. So, I figured it might be nice to have you there. As long as you and Cole aren’t…” Will cut me off.

“That was just making out that one time and he’s with Tosh. We’re just friends. It’s not a big deal. I don’t have feelings like that for him. I’m not sure I ever really did. I just kind of thought he was awesome and he told me that sometimes it made things feel better to be with someone you wanted to be with. It only got as far as kissing and mum walked in and flipped out but I don’t think it would have gone any farther, just the idea seemed to be too much for him,” he answered me.

“Ok,” I said, “Da is making me invite Dick. If I want to stay at home and actually get to be at my party. He’s bringing friends so he has people his age there.”

“Do you know who?” Will asked me.

“No,” I said, “Probably Chad which is going to suck. I don’t know who else he hangs out with but hopefully they’ll behave themselves. Not like hit on anyone or anything gross.”

“Hopefully,” Will agreed, “I’ve never had problems with any of them only…”

“Wallace,” I said finishing his sentence, “Has he been leaving you alone?”

“Mostly,” Will answered shifting uneasily.

“Mostly?” I scoffed feeling my eyebrows raise at him. I had told Wallace to leave him alone and to fucking keep his comments to himself. What was wrong with that guy? He couldn’t leave an 11-year-old alone? I didn’t care what feelings he had for my brother there was no reason he should be talking to him outside of class.

“Yeah, he had stopped saying things for a while. Even told me he was sorry and that he hadn’t meant to scare me but he just wanted me to know how he felt but now sometimes he asks, or makes a comment and I just…I try to ignore it. It freaks me out though. Still.” Will admitted.

“What type of comments?” I asked.

“That he thinks I’d look good without clothes and then he’ll blush and say he’s sorry again or he’ll say he wonders what my lips feel like. What it would be like to kiss me. So, it’s not as gross as it was before you talked to him but it’s still…it makes me uncomfortable,” Will admitted to me.

“Well, I’ll talk to him again,” I said, “Trust me. I understand how bad it makes you feel just sitting around doing whatever it is you’re doing minding your own business and having someone come up to you and ask if they can…touch you like that or worse. Like you would ever say yes, right?” I rolled my eyes.

“Someone does that to you?” Will asked.

“Dick, sometimes. I’ll be watching TV at Leo’s and he’ll come up to me and ask if he can suck me. Which…”

“Is the thing you hate the most,” Will said finishing my sentence and nodding his head in understanding, “He doesn’t ask that anymore but he, the way he looks at me sometimes I can tell his mind is going there. He gets that weird look on his face that Uncle Ben gets. I just want to run and hide and I know I can’t. Not really. So, I try to ignore it.”

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with that at school,” I said to him.

“It’s better than that weird teachers aid I had at the beginning of the year, Brian. He always looked at me like that, a couple other guys too. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore” he said.

“He helps the T.A Luke teach Gym in the upper school,” I said, “So I don’t think he’s a real T.A anymore but somewhere between T.A and teacher. He apparently has gotten in trouble for measuring people for uniforms a little too closely so he’s not supposed to be alone with us.”

“Doesn’t surprise me. The way he looked at people in Math. He wouldn’t stop looking at me like that. I was terrified of him,” Will said, “Todd said he was alone with him in the classroom once for just a minute because he forgot his bookbag. He said he kept getting really really close to him and it freaked him out.”

“Who is Todd?” I asked thinking about it for a minute, “Oh never mind I remember Todd.”

“Yeah he’s like us. Kind of he’s only a four but, yeah,” Will answered shrugging his shoulders.

“There’s going to be girls at the party and while their brothers are …well you know what we are just don’t talk about it,” I mentioned after thinking about for a second stretching before I got up off my bed getting ready to go eat.

“I won’t. It’ going to be your birthday so I think it would probably make more sense to avoid the subject,” Will said, “We can talk about normal stuff. Play Marco polo or water volleyball or something.”

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “What did Alice make?”

“Debbie made Salmon burgers whatever that is,” Will said, “It sounds weird but it looks ok.”

“Well than I guess I get to try it,” I sighed patting him on the shoulder as he got up and we walked towards the kitchen.

The Salmon patties actually weren’t half bad and after I was done eating I helped get James and Cat ready for bed reading them their bedtime stories and helping them settle in for the night. The next couple of days passed by fast I spent most of them actually playing video games with my little brothers and listening to music since I was feeling well enough to actually do things with them and feeling a little better even though I had a sense of dread in the back of my mind.

Causing me to wonder how my party was going to go or if Da and Leo were going to make it hell, if they were going to let Dick and his friends make it hell. I went to bed the night before my big party and had a little bit of trouble falling asleep but finally managed to fall into dreams and rest peacefully until I heard a knock on my door early that morning around 8.


	48. 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a pool party to celebrate his 14th birthday. Rich and his friends cause Mayhem ruining John's day with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1012 to 1037. Yes there's a lot. There's still more. A shit ton more. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, mental health issues, anxiety, forced rimming, forced oral, forced kissing, bullying, child sexual abuse** Yes, I'm fine. I'm still fine. I'm moving on with life and still writing.

“Come in,” I mumbled.

“HAPPY BIRDA!” Laura and Andy screamed at me climbing into the bed with me.

“Thank you, guys,” I said hugging them, “did you really have to wake me up this early just for that though?”

“Yes, we did,” Mum said bringing in a tray as Will carried a cup in one hand and Mike carried in a can of boost and Matt carried another cup for that while Cat and James trailed in behind followed by Alice.

“Happy birthday,” everyone echoed softly as Mum set the tray of blue berry pancakes on my lap and they sang happy birthday to me.

“Thank you everyone, really thank you!” I said, “This is awesome.”

“I’m glad you like it, it was Cat’s idea,” Mum said kissing the top of my head.

“Really Catty?” I asked surprised, “That’s so sweet firefly thank you. Really.”

“Well I know you like berry pancakes and I know I like berry pancakes and you’ve been sad and I’ve been sad so I thought berry pancakes would make us feel better,” She told me.

“It was a great idea, thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome. And I get berry pancakes,” She smiled happily before grabbing James by the hand and leading him off down the hall to the kitchen Alice following behind them after giving me a smile and a wave.

“So, everyone should start showing up around noon,” Mum reminded me, “So if I were you I would enjoy your breakfast and then maybe you can help me get the little ones dressed for company if not Debbie will help. Can the younger kids join you guys downstairs for cake?”

“Yes, I have no problem with that,” I said nodding my head.

“You still want Will to come?” She asked me, “Because you can change your mind if you want to I’m sure Will won’t mind.”

“Yeah he can still hang with us. He’ll get to see some hot girls in bikini’s,” I said and mum frowned at me.

“I certainly hope not,” she muttered, “But anyway I expect good behavior. Your Uncle is here I don’t know why but I’m hoping your Da will keep him out of the way. He said they were planning a trip of some kind for spring break. Why two adult men care about a silly American holiday where college kids get drunk and go to Mexico I don’t have the slightest but, whatever pleases them.”

I felt kind of reluctant to celebrate upon hearing that. Why wouldn’t uncle Ben be in his own apartment? He should have little to no interest in my birthday party but I thought about it and thought about how mum said she would stay out of the way and only check up on us every once in a while, the night before. How she had promised that and Da had probably figured that would be the case so he got his “cool” little brother to hang out nearby while he did whatever it was he was doing. I just hoped Uncle Ben wouldn’t do anything inappropriate and ruin the day for me. Hoped no one would do that.

I ate my breakfast slowly reading the prisoner of Azkaban from the Harry Potter series that had just come out two months before and then got showered and dressed heading downstairs towards the indoor pool when I heard voices talking outside the great room where the entrance to the indoor pool was.

“So, Ibiza you’re thinking?” I heard Da ask.

“Well you said you have a nice vacation home there and I mean imagine with the right setting how it would look. It would be nice. They shoot that type of stuff there all the time,” I heard Leo answer back quietly and I froze. They were talking about how they were going to celebrate my birthday.

I cleared my throat before I stepped around the corner entering the room, “Hi John Happy birthday,” Leo said smiling at me.

“Thanks,” I said quietly, “Does that mean Rich is here already?”

“No, Rich is coming over with his friend Chad and a couple other boys I think you might know, Wallace and Tucker,” Leo answered.

“They hang out with Wallace?” I asked frowning trying to hide my surprise and disgust.

“Well they have all made their announcements of intent and kind of young too so it’s a very small club they belong to so yes, Wallace hangs out with them even though the poor boy seems a little off,” Leo said, “That’s surprising to you?”

“Well yeah. He’s weird and kind of ugly and fat,” I said.

“He’s not ugly, I mean yeah he’s not as nice looking as you sure but he has some potential without those glasses and if his skin would clear up. I think he’s more muscle than fat but, that’s beside the point. They’ll be here in a little while around 11:30 I think,” Leo said, “Can I say hello?”

I felt my stomach drop my food feeling like a brick weighing me down. No, no you can’t say hello because I know exactly what you mean. Was what I was thinking trying to keep myself calm keep myself from looking tense.

“Yeah,” Da answered before I could protest, “If you want to you can go into the powder room for a minute or two. Not too long though it’s his birthday after all and we’re celebrating another time. You don’t mind having a private hello with Leo do you baby?”

I swallowed and looked between the two not sure what to say feeling my panic rise. It was my fucking birthday and he was going to molest me in my own house before the guest arrived at my party. I remember thinking are you fucking kidding me? Of course, I don’t want to say a private hello. I don’t want my junk grabbed by an old pervert who calls himself my boyfriend. But before I really had a chance to reply we were walking though the double doors into the pool area and into the powder room off the side of the pool room next to the sauna.

He shoved me into the wall a little hard grabbing my hard by the neck of my shirt pulling my face to his kissing me forcing his tongue into my mouth before I could protest my eyes going wide my heart racing. No, this couldn’t be happening right now, not right now. Not now. I wanted to push him away but remembered our rules. The rules he had set down I could say no, I could beg and I could cry but I wasn’t allowed to push him away, to punch or kick or fight back in anyway as I balled my hands into fist at my sides waiting for him to break the kiss waiting for him to let me go.

When he broke the kiss, he smiled at me rubbing his nose against mine, “You look a bit surprised. Surely you knew that’s what I meant?” He asked me his hands starting to slide up my shirt.

“Stop,” I said trying to grab my shirt and pull it back down, “it’s my birthday Leo please.”

He sighed looking at me stopping, “Fine, we’ll celebrate just the two of us later ok? I just wanted to say hi. I missed you.”

 

I nodded my head. I hadn’t missed him and he knew it. He knew I hadn’t missed him and I wasn’t going to pretend I did.

“Behave yourself or your party is ending when I say it ends. It is my day after all,” he warned me.

“When you say behave myself what do you mean?” I asked.

“I don’t want anyone touching you but Rich. You want to fool around that’s fine but it’s with him or you come find me. Don’t think I don’t know about being a teenage boy. You probably have a girl coming that you’re sweet on, would love to put your hands all over or have her on her knees. That’s not going to happen you understand?” He clarified.

“Yes, I understand,” I answered.

That was against the brotherhood rules anyway. Sure, I had thought about sneaking Pat into the sauna after everyone else left but he wouldn’t have been the one on his knees because I was…well I think you know by now I got a lot of pleasure from giving him pleasure but anyway. That obviously wasn’t going to happen. 

“Good,” Leo said tilting my chin up gently in his hands so he was looking me in the eyes, “I’ve really missed you baby.” He breathed before kissing my cheek his kiss trailing down my jaw bone and into my neck as I squeezed my eyes shut hoping it wasn’t real. I didn’t want any of them to do this today. Today was supposed to be my day. Today was supposed to a good day and this was going south really fast.

“Leo, please not right now,” I muttered 

He pulled away smiling at me laughing to himself a little, “Sorry beautiful I just…Well you know what I want. That I enjoy feeling your…” His hands went to my back grabbing my ass hard, “Back arch into my touch as you beg me to stop. As I go down on you and then wrap your legs around my waist.”

“Leo please,” I said trying hard to remember to keep breathing.

“Just relax, we don’t have to do anything right now,” he said, “Am I making you nervous? It’s ok you know? I won’t hurt you tonight. I’ll be really gentle I promise.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “You said hello can we get out of here now?”

“You swear to me you won’t let anyone touch you but Rich if you need it?” He said to me.

“I swear. And that probably won’t happen because now I’m not in the mood for anyone to touch me,” I said as he grabbed my neck tight.

“Did you just tell me to fuck off?” He hissed at me.

“No, no I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that’s not what this party is for,” I stammered.

“Ok,” he said letting me go, “Ok, I’m sorry. I got a little over excited huh?”

I nodded my head in agreement and he moved aside so I could open to door which I stumbled out of finally feeling like I could breathe again as Mum and Will looked at me mum raising her eyebrows at me.

“Are you ok love?” She asked putting down the CD player in the corner.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Will asked me.

“I said I’m fine Will,” I said giving him a tight smile, “Mum can you go grab my mix tape in my bedroom it’s on my nightstand?”

“Sure, love I was just about to head back up and have Alice help me bring down the cake, you need anything else?” She said smiling at me wiping her hands on her apron.

“Did you bake the cake?” I asked.

“No, cookies,” Mum said pointing at a serving dish wrapped in plastic on the table besides the CD player, “Is that problem?”

“No mum just surprised is all,” I said.

“I baked cookies for the school bake sale last year,” she reminded me.

“Yeah and I don’t know how you managed to do it then between the two jobs you had and looking after everyone,” I commented.

“Oh, please you and Will looked after everyone. You used to even cook,” she said smiling, “I’ll be back.”

She turned and walked away and I looked at Will and cocked my head towards the bathroom a few moments before Leo came out and his eyes glanced between us several times, “Huh hi?” Will said quietly.

“Hello, Will,” Leo said, “You’re allowed to hang out with the big kids today?”

“Don’t patronize him,” I said, “Look you’re making me hang out with Rich and his friends and he might not even be down here so if he wants to he can if he doesn’t that’s fine too.”

“Ok well I have business to discuss with your Dad so I’ll see you later ok?” Leo said nodding his head and walking away.

“That’s why you stumbled out of the bathroom like it was full of poison air?” Will asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

“He didn’t? Not on your birthday!” Will said his eyes flashing angry, “What the fuck is wrong with these guys?”

“You know that better than me and he didn’t really. Just said he would,” I said swallowing and shrugging my shoulders, “We have another problem though.”

“I thought him and Rich were the problem,” Will said.

“No another problem. Rich is bringing friends. I told you that, right? Recruits his age it’s a small circle,” I said quietly, “If you don’t want to be here it’s ok. I’m all right with that.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to be at your party?” Will asked still not understanding what I was getting at.

“There’s only like four or five guys Rich’s age that have made their announcement of intent and one of them is Wallace,” I said.

“So, you mean Wallace is coming?” Will said his face dropping.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Awesome,” Will muttered, “What if he tells Da? Do you think he’d make me…?” He trailed off his voice breaking.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “Maybe we’ll get lucky? Maybe Wallace won’t say anything at all or maybe you should just stay upstairs?”

“No, I want to hang out with you guys. Cole and Pat are my friends too,” Will said, “I want to see them.”

“Are you sure? I guess you could leave any time you wanted and just kind of sneak off. I mean I’d make sure you got back upstairs safe of course but, I don’t know Will,” I said.

“This isn’t fucking fair!” Will whined, “This was supposed to be an ok day a day where we didn’t have to worry about that shit. Where you got to check out cute girls and I got to practice my flirting skills.”

“I thought you were gay,” I commented.

“I didn’t say I was going to flirt with the girls,” Will said laughing through his tears.

“Fair enough,” I agreed nodding my head.

“I want to be there. I don’t want him to scare me away,” Will said.

“Ok,” I said, “If you want to go upstairs at any point though you let one of us know and we’ll take you upstairs. I don’t want him to have any chance alone with you or with you and Uncle Ben or someone else that isn’t me Pat or Cole or Dom ok?”

Will nodded his head, “Is it wrong that I think Dom is cute.”

“Hey, Dom is off limits,” I said shaking my head.

“Why is he your back up? You know he has a boy crush on you,” Will taunted.

“No, he’s not my back up. He’s my friend and it’s weird enough knowing you made out with Cole,” I scoffed as mum came back into the room.

“You two should go upstairs and change,” Mum said, “Your Uncle is here so wear shirts.”

“We know mum,” Will said.

“Ok, come back down shortly,” she said as Alice walked in carrying the cake it having a cover over it and her holding a dish towel on the top of it so I couldn’t see what it looked like.

We went upstairs and changed quickly. I grabbed a navy-blue t-shirt pulling it on. I didn’t want people to be able to see my scars when my shirt got wet like last time I had been in the pool my shirt being deemed ineffective once the water had drenched it.  
I met Will at the lift him wearing a black tank top over his board shorts. He looked excited but nervous. Like he wanted to hang out with us. Like he was really looking forward to being with people he considered “cool” but the idea of Wallace being there making him nervous making his skin crawl as he shivered slightly.

“I won’t let him be alone with you,” I assured him.

“I know,” Will said nodding his head “How could you tell that’s what I was thinking about?”

“You shivered and it’s not cold in the house, not really so I figured you were nervous. They’ve been told they need to watch their comments because there will be girls there so hopefully they’ll all listen,” I said, “It’ll be ok if you want to go upstairs at any time just…”

“I know, tell someone and you guys will make sure I get upstairs safe,” Will said nodding his head finishing my sentence. As we walked down the front steps near the foyer I saw the group of them standing together Chad letting out a low whistle as he looked around.

“This place his huge. He lives in a castle,” Chat muttered before he spotted us, “Hey, happy birthday. You brought your little brother?”

Wallace turned to look his eyes lighting up when he saw Will making me put my arm out in front of Will stopping his descent, “Leave him alone.” I warned.

“Relax he’s just a kid,” Chad said shrugging his shoulders, “Are the rest of the kiddies going to make an appearance?”

“Later,” I answered, “Keep your comments and your hands away from him,” I said making what I meant clear.

“Like I said he’s a kid. I don’t have any interest in him. He even looks like a kid. How old is he?” Chad asked.

“Almost 12,” Will answered quietly.

“He looks younger than that and I know you’re Dad hangs out with some guys who are into that like bad but that’s not my thing. What about you two?” Chad asked to which Rich elbowed him lightly and pointed out Wallace was staring at him, “Wal stop it, you’re being a pervert.”

“Am not,” Wallace said pushing his glasses up his nose, “I know him.”

“I don’t care to understand what you mean by that but put your eyes back in your head before I rip them out for you,” Chad said causing Wallace to shift his eyes to Chad, “I thought we were here for the birthday boy anyway.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Rich said stepping forward, “Happy birthday John.”

“Thanks,” I said, “They told you to be nice, right?”

“Oh, we’ll be nice,” Rich said his eyes raking my frame.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. That’s not nice,” I said my voice low and Chad smiled amused.

“Don’t worry about it,” Chad said, “Keep our comments to ourselves no touching in front of the girls, behave.”

“Yes,” Uncle Ben said catching everyone’s attention, “And I’ll be there to make sure everyone does that so if you have any comments you want to throw out that might upset our fairer guest you have until they get here.”

“Really? So, I could tell him I can’t wait to watch him blow out those candles on his cake and imagine it’s me he’s blowing?” Rich asked looking at my uncle.

“That’s an interesting image to think about,” Ben nodded his head in approval, “Yes until the girls get here. No touching though.”

“I have permission,” Rich said shrugging his shoulders.

“Fine just be careful,” Ben said.

Wallace tapped Rich on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear.

“You ask you dumb shit geeze,” Rich scoffed, “Did you forget? Just go ask their Dad.”

“Right,” Wallace said I turned to see Will’s face pale.

“Don’t even think of asking or I will make sure you’re sorry,” I warned him and Uncle Ben coughed.

“Someone have a little crush there?” He asked.

“Wallace is a bit of a freak,” Chad said.

“Oh, that’s ok. Nothing wrong with a little crush. Those green eyes that go big when you push inside of him, that blond hair, what’s not to crush on?” Ben said smiling evilly.

“Will I think you should go upstairs now,” I said, “You can come back down when the girls get here ok?”

“Yeah,” Will said turning around and walking back up the stairs.

“You want to make comments about him like he’s not here? He’s not here now,” I said folding my arms in front of me, “Go ahead and continue.”

“That wasn’t anything you know it,” Ben said, “You two know about the sounds he makes when he’s drunk?”

“I don’t get drunk anymore so they’ll never know,” I answered.

“Oh, you make pretty sweet sounds when you’re not drunk,” Chad commented.

“Wait you’ve done him too?” Wallace said frowning looking between Chad and Dick.

“Yeah,” Chad said, “He got around at the villa not too long ago. You haven’t?”

“No,” Wallace said shaking his head, “He’s not my type.”

“No, you apparently like small dick,” Chad commented.

“Shut up,” Wallace said shaking his head, “I like guys who want to. Maybe a little bit.”

“Well that kid doesn’t want to and let me tell you sometimes the screaming is the best part,” Rich said, “Don’t you agree Chad?”

“It can be,” Chad agreed.

“You should hear him beg when you go south he really hates it,” Ben commented.

“I have,” Dick replied, “It’s nice. It’s really nice.”

“Really?” Chad asked, “He begged pretty hard when I was at the Villa.”

“Oh, I’m sure he did,” Ben said, “I’m sure you guys remember being a bottom at the Villa though. It’s not pleasant.”

“No, it’s not,” Rich commented, “If you haven’t been with him even if he’s not your type you should give him a try Wal I mean his skin tastes really nice.”

“Really?” Wallace said looking at me as they stepped closer to me, me reversing myself a step or two back up the stairs.

“Yeah want to find out?” Rich asked, “I’ll hold him still for you.”

“Come on,” I sighed.

“No, you come on birthday boy. What guy doesn’t want a blow job in his birthday?” Rich said starting towards me again.

I felt like an idiot standing there my whole body frozen knowing what he was saying. That he was going to hold me down so someone could suck me off. So, they could rape me. I didn’t want that. I hated the idea of it but found myself unable to move thinking as long as he didn’t get his hands-on Will everything would be fine.

“I’m still working on the other one. I am starting to get impatient though,” Wallace said.

“I’ll talk to my brother see if I can hook you up,” Ben said, “You’ll have fun. Trust me he’s a lot of fun.”

“Really?” Wallace said his voice lighting up with excitement.

“Don’t,” I said, “That’s the birthday gift you can give me Ben is keeping your mouth shut, please.”

“What are you going to do for me?” He asked me smiling, “I mean I like you sure but you’re not the sweetest fruit to choose from.”

“Is that why you leave me alone so often now because your preferences have changed?” I asked him.

“Maybe a little bit,” he said, “Maybe I Just realized you’re too whiny and I like screaming better.”

“He does whine but it’s a cute whine,” Dick said nodding his head as the doorbell rang and I sighed with relief hopefully there would girls on the other side of the door so this would stop. This whole thing would just stop right where it was.

My uncle Ben opened the door and I heard a girl voice and sighed with Relief, “Is this John’s house?”

“Sure is. Party is going to be in the pool room,” Uncle Ben said, “I’m his Uncle.”

“I’m Talya,” I heard the voice say.

“Hey Talya,” I said.

“Happy birthday,” she said smiling at me looking around at all of the older guys, “Are these guys your friends?”

“Yeah, this is Chad and Rich and Wallace,” I answered.

“Hey Talya,” Chad said smiling at her.

“Hi,” Talya said, “Ellen is down the block. She’s walking with Brodric and Dee and Cee.”

“Brodric?” Dick said smiling, “I know Brodric.”

“I’m sure you do,” I said shaking my head.

“Are you ok?” Talya giggled lightly.

“Yeah let’s go to the pool,” I said and I used the com to let Will know that other guests had arrived so it was safer. By the time Will headed back downstairs Pat and Cole had made it around the block and joined me and Talya in the pool room along with Ellen and Brodric, Dee, Cee, Dom and Adam joined us shortly after.

“So, are we all going to just stand here or are we going to swim?” Cee asked smiling before she pulled her shirt off revealing a pink bikini top which made me stare. She was beyond beautiful even in less clothing than usual her curves exposed that much more. Her waist dipping in just the right way so her hips looked prefect for her frame as she pulled her brown curly hair up in a messy bun before pulling her shorts off.

“Guys, you’re staring,” Adam commented holding back a laugh.

“Huh?” I said looking around and realizing Pat was looking at me smiling.

“I thought you two were…?” Adam started to ask.

“Hey, we’re taken not dead,” Pat murmured.

“So, you’re not gay?” Adam asked.

“I’m pretty sure I’m not gay,” I said as one of the girls pointed and started laughing.

“Dude John get in the water, I know you’re a guy but you have to have some control over that thing,” Ellen crowed as Talya fell off the chair she was sitting on she was laughing so hard.

I beamed red realizing what they were talking about as Pat made sure to move so his wasn’t so evident. I had popped a boner in my swim shorts a very obvious boner. I felt like I was glowing before I felt a hand on my shoulder and froze.

“I can take care of that for you if you want me to,” Dick hissed into my ear instantly killing my erection making me go from red to white.

“You fucking sh----!” Pat started to hiss before Ben cut him off.

“None of that,” Ben warned, “From any of you. Understand?”

“Sorry,” Dick said patting my shoulder before he walked away back over to join the rest of his friends.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Pat hissed looking at me.

“It’s not worth it, and it got rid of my problem, didn’t it?” I asked.

“You’re lucky you don’t get fear boners,” Adam commented, “Those are horrible.”

“I think I probably do,” I answered

“You get fear boners?” Cole asked, “Tosh said he was sorry he couldn’t make it by the way. His Dad said something about birthday parties being frivolous.” 

“It’s ok,” I said, “I wish he could be here though.”

“Me too, the things I would do to him in that Sauna…” Cole smiled licking his lips thinking about it.

“Cole don’t be gross,” Dee said.

“Love you too Dee,” Cole said flipping her the bird.

“Yeah yeah bite me,” Dee scoffed while Cee rolled her eyes.

“Tell me when and where and I’ll put it on my calendar,” Cole said.

“I’d bite you if you’d let me,” Chad added.

“You’re like super old man,” Ellen said.

“I’m a senior,” Chad said.

“Wait,” Adam said frowning again as he pulled on my arm bringing me close so no one else could hear, “He’s not gay either? I’m so fucking confused right now. Who is gay?”

“Cole is gay,” I answered, “Huh, I’m not sure Dom has a sexuality at all. My little brother is gay. I think Wallace is gay but I’m not sure. Dick I’m pretty sure he’s gay but I haven’t asked and don’t care to. My Uncle is supposedly gay or at least that’s what my Da calls it. Pat and I are together but obviously if we can check out girls together we’re not really gay.”

“Ok so you’re not gay. Are you like bi?” Adam asked me.

“Kind of?” I said, “I don’t know. Why is this important information?”

“Well, usually the gay ones tend to be nasty even in front of mixed company,” Adam said, “I’m still a one, remember? They don’t need permission to fuck me. They can just pull me into a room and do it if they want to.”

“Ah,” I said nodding my head in understanding, “No one is going to touch you here ok? Besides maybe Ben but he’s smart enough to not try in a room full of teenagers so…”

“What about what’s his name? Dick?” He asked.

“I’m supposed to call him Rich but I don’t call him Dick because he has impeccable people skills,” I said, “Huh, he might be a problem for you. I don’t honestly know.”

“Well he said something nasty to you because you turned so white I thought you were dead,” Adam said.

“He did yeah but it doesn’t matter. Just avoid being alone with them. Nothing bad is going to happen here. Try to relax.”

“Yeah all right,” Adam said nodding his head.

“Everything ok?” Pat asked us.

“Yeah,” I said, “Everything is fine. I was just answering a question is all.”

Pat dropped his voice so only Adam and I could hear, “About?”

“Who is gay, who isn’t because he’s confused. Because he was sure we were gay and then…well Cee has a nice ass, doesn’t she?”

“Fuck yeah,” Pat said, “Is it weird I can check out girls with you and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “She’s the first girl I’ve seen almost naked really. And she’s at my house in my pool and god I love bikinis.”

“Me too,” Pat said looking over, “She’s hotter than Dee. How come I never noticed that before?”

“Because you were always in the dark with her?” I asked and he laughed.

“No seriously though,” Pat said, “She’s a lot hotter than Dee.”

All of the sudden Ellen splashed us hard, “Are you guys just going to stand there and ogle us or are you going to come into the pool and actually swim?”

“All right,” Pat said before smiling at me winking as he backed up against the wall, “Bombs away!”

He ran at the pool actually catching good air before he did a dive bomb, splashing Adam and I which Adam didn’t seem to be happy about. I laughed. I thought it was great. That and Ellen had made her point before I jumped over the side doing an anchor dive my feet brushing the bottom of the pool before I pushed up bobbing to the surface, “Hi,” I said surfacing next to Pat.

“Hey,” He said smiling at me as Delia swam over.

“So, what am I chopped liver?” She asked us.

“Yeah Dee, or should I say chopped liver. Why did you even come if you were going to be such a bitch?” Pat asked.

“You invited my siblings of course I’m going to come,” Dee said, “And I don’t see how I’m being mean. Being mean here would be shouting to his uncle that you’re fucking him and getting you into a world of trouble or telling you how Brodric keeps hearing rumors about how he’s a sweet ride.”

“Dee you’re so lucky you’re a girl right now or I’d fucking drown you,” Pat hissed as I stared awkwardly at her.

“So, John, how many guys have you F---“Dee and me both had our mouths fall open as Pat smacked her across the face lightly but hard enough to shock her. The sound echoing around the pool room causing everyone to turn and look.

“Who just smacked her? You don’t ever hit a girl not ever!” My uncle nearly shouted as Ellen shot Pat a dirty look.

“You can’t hit her,” I told him shaking my head.

“You heard what she said, what she was asking. She was saying that to hurt you!” he insisted.

“Yeah well it hurts me more that you would let her get a rise out of you ok? She can’t hurt me. She knows she can’t hurt me,” I said.

“That could…” I cut him off squeezing his hand below the water.

“I know what it could do but she wouldn’t do that. She cares about you and she won’t take that chance,” I reminded him.

“Hey John,” Someone said behind us causing us both to turn so we were looking at Rich, “I wonder where your brother is…Wal seems to be missing too.”

Rich smiled evilly as he watched my mind start racing. No, I had promised him. No that couldn’t be. No, god no. I looked around and noticed that Dom was missing too and went over to the Sauna knocking on the door and Wallace pulled it open.

Dom and Talya were in there and so was Will. I sighed with relief noting how Will was on the side farthest away from Wallace. So, he was probably ok. Wallace might have been stalking him but he was ok. He hadn’t touched him.

“Are you coming in?” Talya asked me pulling her tankini strap back up onto her shoulders smiling her face red and shiny with sweat, “This is actually fun.”

“Only because he has a hard-core crush on you,” I pointed to Dom who flipped me off and I laughed.

“I know,” Talya said, “Not that anything will happen about it because I’m betrothed but yeah I’m aware.”

“Betrothed?” I asked her.

“She’s supposed to marry someone,” Will said.

“Who?” I asked confused.

“What’s his name Tyler something?” She said scrunching up her face as she thought about it, “After I give him a baby I can divorce him but we’re not allowed to get married until I’m 23 and I’ve finished some school. It’s in the agreement that our parents signed when we were little. By then Dom probably won’t have a crush on me anymore.”

“No by then I’ll probably be dead,” Dom said rolling his eyes.

“Ya ne soglasen s etim, zatknis'!” Talia said surprising all of us before I remembered she was adopted as well.

Dom rolled his eyes and snorted even though he was smiling his eyes lit up, “Eto ne imeyet znacheniya.”

“It does too,” she said.

“What on earth…?” Wallace trailed off looking at them.

“From what I got something isn’t,” Will said.

“Nyet,” Dom said, “Doesn’t.”

“Ah,” Will said.

“It’s surprising you caught that. I bet they didn’t,” Dom said and Talya nodded her head in agreement.

“Well anyway what we said was, I said I didn’t agree with that idea, that it wasn’t true. He said it didn’t matter what I thought pretty much,” Talya translated for us.

“I don’t know you might be around still,” Wallace said, “My Dad had a one with us for a while when I was kid. He never made a claim of intent but he lived with us until he was like 20 and then apparently some guy brought him. Don’t know what happened to him after that though.”

“Eww,” Talya said, “Chertovski izvrashchentsy!”

“What?” I asked.

“Fucking perverts,” Talya and Dom said at the same time.

“They aren’t perverts. They care about these guys. I mean he didn’t kill him or anything,” Wallace said.

“You think probably selling him off to some pervert who might have chopped off his balls is love?” Dom asked.

“They wouldn’t do that,” Wallace said.

“You’re a five Wallace what would you know?” Dom asked.

“Ok guys I know some of this. Some of what you mean but I’m like half in the dark you want to tell me what you mean?” Talya asked.

“We’re not allowed to say,” Wallace reminded the rest of us as there was a knock on the door.

“We’re breaking up the love fest in there and we’re playing chicken get out here!” Chad said loudly as he opened the door.

“You ok?” Pat asked me when we came out, “You just kind of jumped up and left me here.”

“Yeah, I was worried,” I answered.

“Ok enough chitchat who weighs the least here? And who weighs the most?” Chad asked.

“I probably weigh the most,” Wallace said stepping out of the sauna behind me.

“How much do you weigh Rich? I weigh 145,” Chad asked.

“I weigh like 168,” Rich answered.

“Ok who weighs the least? Ladies, do you know?” Chad asked.

“I weigh 100,” Talya offered.

“We’re both around 110,” Cee answered.

“Don’t look at me,” Ellen said folding her arms across her torso.

“And what about everyone else?” Chad asked, “Pat?”

“140 soaking wet,” Pat scoffed.

“Around 140 too,” Adam said shrugging his shoulders.

“120,” Cole answered.

“88 I think,” Will said.

“And you two?” Chad asked.

“I don’t know how much I weigh,” I answered because I really didn’t.

“I weigh like 100 maybe?” Dom answered.

“Is that why you look super skinny and you’re wearing a shirt?” dee asked him.

“I’m wearing a shirt because I like shirts thank you,” Dom said which caused Chad to laugh.

“I actually think John might be the one that weighs less than 100,” Rich said.

“He weighs about 93,” Uncle Ben mumbled.

“Really?” Talya said, “You don’t look like you weigh that little.”

“Well, thank you,” I said.

“So, you can ride on Wallace’s shoulders and your brother can be on Rich’s,” Chad said.

“I huh…,” Started to protest and then stopped myself realizing the girls were there.

“Relax, Wallace doesn’t bite,” Chad said.

“Fine,” I sighed. It was better than Will on his shoulders. Not that I was about to let him any closer to my brother then he had been in the sauna.

We got in position and then ended up doing a chicken fight. Will won knocking me off Wallace’s shoulders. I felt sure Wallace cheated, not holding onto my legs tight enough but Chad seemed rather thrilled about it. Afterwards Mum and Alice and Debbie brought down the babies and cake and ice cream was had. It was cake with a top that looked like black top of cement covered in graffiti. It was actually really cool looking.

I didn’t hear any remarks made that shouldn’t have been said. Even though I’m sure there were a couple and Wallace kept trying to get a word with Da which I tried to make very sure didn’t happen. The girls ended up leaving slowly Brodric walking out with his sisters who I was very sad to see go especially Cee in that bathing suit. Because Damn…

Cole snorted as Pat and I waved bye, “Really guys?”

“What?” We both said and then looked at each other laughing again.

“That, that’s what. You’re supposed to be kind of sort of….” he said quietly, “You have like a thing.”

“So,” Pat said again, “Just because I enjoy it when he blows me doesn’t mean I don’t like a nice-looking ass on a girl.”

“What?!” Cole nearly shouted having to slap his hand over his mouth, “Really? Are you for real?”

“Sorry,” Pat said looking at me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “it’s not like I get to today so… who cares right?”

“Shit really Pat? Really?” Cole said almost laughing.

“What?” Pat asked, “Just because he enjoys that doesn’t mean he enjoys other things. Maybe we switch it up you don’t know.”

“You said you only did it like once,” Cole said, “And I didn’t picture that being in there anywhere.”

“I hope you’re not trying to picture it at all,” Pat said and I chuckled.

“What’s so funny over here?” Uncle Ben asked.

“Nothing Mr. McGregor,” Cole answered.

“I’m sure,” Ben said, “Come on. It’s time for everyone to start packing up.”

He meant that it was time for everyone to start leaving including me. I sighed and nodded my head, “Hey you two, I’m going to go say bye to Dom and Adam,” I told them and Pat nodded his head.

I walked over to them. They were talking quietly keeping a close eye on Chad as him and Rich talked in another corner, “Hey guys where is…” I trailed off as Will walked over to us, “Never mind.”

“What?” Will asked, “Mum asked for help getting everyone else back upstairs.”

“What was that earlier? Was everything ok there?” I asked Will, “The Sauna, I mean.”

“It could have gone worse,” Dom said and Will shot him a dirty look.

“It was nothing,” Will said.

“You can’t lie to him even if it is his birthday,” Dom said shaking his head.

“Dude, I’m not lying. Nothing happened. I was fine. I was freaked out but otherwise I was ok,” Will hissed quietly.

“He had you pinned against the wall. Trust me, I’ve been through enough to know that is not fine,” Dom said.

“What the fuck?” I exclaimed, “He pinned you to the wall did he…was he going to?”

“It’s not a big…”

“That’s a huge deal Will!” I said feeling my eyes start to burn, “Are you kidding me? He said he wouldn’t say that stuff to you anymore and he comes over here on birthday and says that shit? No. Just no!”

“You invited him. You invited all of them and you know what they’re like,” Will said.

“I didn’t invite them! I was told I had to if I wanted to be here instead of with him ok? They said that was the only way I was allowed to have a party at all. So, they came. I didn’t want them here at all and now you know what I get to do anyway? Go over to his house where I get to…” I trailed off not wanting to say it, not able to say it.

“Ok,” Will said, “Ok, I’m sorry. Like I said I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“It’s a pretty fucking big deal,” I said again shaking my head, “Do you know if he got Da alone at all?”

“I don’t think so. He hasn’t wandered too far from your brother but not too close either because Adam and I have had an eye on Will pretty close since I walked in on that,” Dom said.

“Thanks Dom,” I said, “You have no idea how grateful I am.”

“It’s no big deal really. If I had a little brother I’d want someone looking out for him if a perv was eye raping him and stalking him.” Dom said.

“I’m grateful really,” I said looking at Dom, “He’s my kid you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Dom said, “I wouldn’t let that fuck hurt him. You know I wouldn’t”

“Guys,” Will said, “This is sweet and all but it’s really not a big…”

“Until you’re a one don’t say that,” Adam said shaking his head speaking for the first time during the whole conversation, “You have no idea. Ones don’t stick their necks out for each other. It’s not worth it. In our world we did you a solid ok?”

“Look it’s not that I don’t appreciate it but, you have to see this from my perspective,” Will said, “You brought me time. That’s all you did. If he wants to and they tell him it’s ok he will. It doesn’t matter that you stopped him this time ok? He’ll get what he wants.”

As he said this he couldn’t look at us. We all knew it was probably true but I wanted to believe that I could keep him safe. He was my little brother. I had spent a good deal of my life trying my best to keep him safe. I must have been so lost in thought I didn’t hear him come up behind me.

“So, should I still take care of that problem for you?” Dick asked making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as he was really close.

I swallowed loudly, “I’m good Rich thanks.”

“Rich leave him alone,” Dom huffed.

“Why you want to play instead Commie? Or would you rather suck his dick?” Dick teased.

“Rich you’re not being funny,” I said shaking my head.

“Not trying to be funny,” Dick said.

“And see this is why I wanted to know that thing I asked you about,” Adam said putting his arm around my shoulder, “Because I get annoyed dealing with this.”

“I don’t even know who the fuck you are,” Dick hissed.

“Dick this is my brother Adam,” Dom answered.

“Oh, so someone is a one?” Dick scoffed.

“He’s a two now,” Dom answered.

“What did he want to know?” Dick asked curiously.

“Who was fucking gay,” Dom said, “Because you gay guys tend to run your mouths a little too much in mixed company.”

“I’m not gay,” Dick hissed.

“Yeah says the guy who keep making lude comments about John or to John when no one is around,” Dom said.

“At least no one has actually made me do it,” Dick shot back.

“Hey, I don’t want to do that with either of you. So, if you excuse me…” I said turning to walk away when dick grabbed my arm tightly.

“You’re mine. My Dad said you were mine so you stay with me until we’re ready to leave. You do whatever it is I want you to, understand?” He hissed yanking on my arm hard making me grimace in pain.

“Leave him alone!” Pat hissed coming over.

“Pat…” I started to ask him not to intervene so that I could save us some trouble.

“No,” Dick said smiling, “He’s mine. If I want to fuck him I’ll fuck him. If I want him to blow me he’ll blow me. He’s mine.”

“He’s a fucking person! He doesn’t belong to anyone and if you’re not gay why would you want to fuck him anyway?” Pat asked.

Dick looked at me, his grip still tight on my elbow as the cogs and wheels in his tiny brain turned. It took him a moment to answer as his gaze turned back to Pat, “Maybe I’m bi?” Dick said.

“Yeah well maybe he’s not and maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with you? Maybe he doesn’t even like you looking at him. Did you ever think that?” Pat asked him.

“I don’t give a shit,” Dick scoffed squeezing tighter on my arm.

“OWWW Stop it!” I yelled at him trying to pull away, “Come on. It’s my birthday! Leave me alone Rich!”

“So, let me give you a birthday present,” he said holding the hem of my wet t-shirt and lifting it up with his other hand as I felt my face burn red. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want anything like that.

“Leave him alone,” Pat nearly hissed barely above a whisper.

“This isn’t the bus Pat. What are you going to do about it?” Dick taunted, “Defend your little boyfriend? Draw everyone’s attention to how close you two are? Don’t you think that would cause more problems for you two than it’s worth? That’s an automatic bowl draw and you know it.”

“We’re just friends,” Pat lied but I could see his confidence falter.

“Interesting that you say that. You and the Commie look at him exactly the same way. So, either you’re giving him side action or commie boy over there is. Or he’s getting it from both of you so …. which is it?” Dick asked.

“We’re just friends,” Pat said again.

“Friends aren’t willing to put their neck on the line especially not in the brotherhood and not against someone who has been given permission. So, I doubt you’re just friends unless you want to prove it to me by walking away right now while I give him a preview of the birthday present my Dad is planning for him,” Dick warned, “Otherwise whatever this is I’m telling my Dad who is going to tell his dad and all of this will stop whatever it is right now probably with a very unpleasant trip to the Villa that only one of you will be walking away from. You want that?”

“We’re just friends though, right Pat?” I said looking at him.

“That’s what I keep saying,” Pat said.

“Then Pat can prove it by walking away and minding his own business can’t he, John?” Dick asked.

“Rich please I don’t…” Dick cut me off.

“All you have to fucking do is lay there ok? It won’t even hurt!” Dick remarked, “Come on. You know you like it.”

I sighed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. I hated that more than I hated anything else. I sighed my tongue brushing my back moral. It wasn’t like I had a choice. I could do it here or he would make me do it later when I left for Leo’s.

“Dick leave him alone,” Pat said.

Dick sighed and looked at him before looking at me closely, “All you have to do is go into the Sauna with me,” he said, “Come on. If you don’t I’ll make sure to mention this to my dad. Do you want that? Because he’s awfully mean when he gets jealous and he would be jealous of this regardless of what you have or haven’t done with him.”

“I have to leave soon anyway,” I said quietly not looking at Pat ashamed that I was agreeing to this. Sick to my stomach with the fact that I was going to let him do it. Not that I had any way out of it to begin with. You should just go.”

“John, no you don’t have to,” Pat said.

“Yes!” I nearly shouted out of anxiety and fear, “Yes, I do.”

“Dick, I mean Rich what if I…” Dick cut Pat off.

“No thanks,” Dick said already knowing what he was going to say, “I don’t think you’d be nearly as good. Have you tasted him? His skin other parts of him?”

“It’s his birthday,” Pat said shaking his head his eyes wide in disbelief.

“Yeah, it’s not like he won’t enjoy it. You like it, don’t you?” Dick said running a hand though my chlorine filled hair as he let go of my elbow because he was sure he had me. That I was going to do what he wanted me to do.

“Hey!” Cole said coming over, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing we’re fine aren’t we John?” Dick said meaning I should tell them to go away, to buzz off.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

“John, you don’t have to do this,” Pat said again knowing how badly this was tearing me apart inside. How badly I didn’t want to but felt I had to so I could protect him, protect us.

“He’s not going to do anything,” Dick smirked, “Laying there isn’t really doing something.”

“It’s his birthday dude. Don’t tell me you’re going to fuck him,” Dom sighed, “He doesn’t want to.”

“Yeah, he does. Don’t you Johnny?” Dick said to which I nodded my head curtly.

“Look at him he doesn’t want it. Why do you have to bother him so much? Don’t tell me you seriously have a thing for him,” Dom scoffed shaking his head saying something for the first time during the whole altercation probably because of his fear because of what Dick tried to force us to do at the Villa.

“He belongs to my dad,” Dick answered, “Even if I had a thing for him it couldn’t go anywhere. Not really. Not unless I contracted him which by the time I’m old enough to hold a contract he’ll be old enough to say no. So, I can fool around with him but I’m not allowed to have feelings for him.”

“Feeling don’t work that way and you know it,” Cole said shaking his head, “Dude it’s his birthday if he’s your friend, if you care about him at all you won’t make him do this.”

“I want to suck his dick!” Dick shouted at them suddenly making me fidget uneasily, “I’m not going to fucking hurt him ok? I’m not going to fuck him. I’m just going to enjoy him all right?”

Dom made a hissing sound between his teeth, “Not cool.”

“It doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it feels down right awesome,” Dick said.

“That’s something he hates,” Pat said, “He hates it like, really hates it.”

“I’ll make him like it. Maybe you’re just bad at it,” Dick commented, “And don’t tell me you haven’t I’ve watched the videos.”

Pat’s face flushed red slightly, “That’s beside the point. He doesn’t like it do you John?”

I shook my head and then watched Wallace and Chad walk up to my little brother and Adam who had moved away from us slightly. This was a big problem. A huge problem. I sighed feeling my body shaking knowing I wouldn’t be able to help us both.  
“Pat,” I said pointing behind him to which he turned a swore under his breath.

Dick laughed, “Want me to call them off? Get them to leave your buddies alone? Come with me? They’ll listen to me especially if I offer them something in return.”

He meant me. He meant offer them me. It wouldn’t be the first time I had put myself in the line of fire to save my brother because he mattered to me more than I did. He didn’t deserve that, Wallace forcing him to do those types of things.

“I’ll take care of it,” Dom said and Cole nodded before he started to walk over there as I saw Wallace get into Will’s face Will near the edge of the pool like he was about to jump in just to get away from him.

“Pat go help,” I said motioning my head towards the situation where voices were starting to raise.

“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “Not until he agrees to back down.”

“He’s not…” Dick cut me off.

“I’m not backing down lover boy. You’re just going to have to get over the fact I got a yes where as he’s never given you a yes in his life has he?” Dick said, “Tired of it feeling forced? Jealous?”

“We’re just friends,” Pat and I said in unison.

“Doesn’t mean you don’t want it to be more,” Dick said before he grabbed me around the waist pressing his body into mine his hardness against my stomach, “Come on baby. Just a little I’ll call them off I promise.”

“Don’t whisper to him!” Pat said, “Leave him alone. Seriously Dick, what the fuck is your problem? He obviously doesn’t want to and he’s obviously scared you’re going to get us killed for nothing. He’s so scared he’s shaking. Look at his hands.”

“That could just be nerves. You don’t know that he doesn’t shake when he’s excited,” Dick said running a hand up and down the nape of my neck as I looked at him his other hand staying on my waist.

“St-st-oop them,” I barely managed to stammer out my whole body just tingling as he ran his fingers up and down my neck slowly making me feel light headed.

“HEY GUYS!” Dick shouted, “Come over here a second, will you?”

Wallace looked at him and sighed but moved away from where Adam had pulled my brother back trying to keep him a safe distance away from Wallace and Chad followed him. I sighed as they came towards us pretty sure I knew where this was going. That whatever Dick wanted to do to me they were going to get to do too.

“What?” Wallace asked him seeming upset.

“Why are you hung up on that kid? There’s plenty of toys around,” Dick asked him.

“Look at him and tell me he’s not irresistible,” Wallace said not caring his was in front of two bottoms who didn’t like being talked about like that, let alone the fact he was talking about my brother.

“He’s not a toy. He’s my little brother,” I warned them.

“Why play with the second model when you can have the first Wallace?” Dick asked letting me go and walking over to Wallace, clapping him on the shoulder, “If you want to you can think of it as perfecting your technique.”

“Stop it!” Pat hissed trying to come over to me before Chad grabbed me.

“I don’t think so,” Chad said as I started trying to push him away as he made smooching sounds in my ear.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No, let me go.”

“Now now, you said you would do anything remember?” Dick said.

“No, I didn’t,” I said shaking my head.

“I said if I offered them something, you knew what I was talking about don’t pretend you didn’t,” Dick said as Pat went to move forward his whole body tensing like he was ready to strike.

“Hey! I think it’s time for us to start shipping out boys,” Uncle Ben said from somewhere behind me where I couldn’t see him, “If you don’t mind I think those whose parents aren’t here should start heading home, unless of course you’re waiting for a ride. Dom, Adam, Pat, Cole that means you guys. Come on.”

“You’re kidding,” Pat said shaking his head at Uncle Ben.

“Now, now didn’t we agree that you’d behave or you weren’t coming?” Ben asked him, “Get out of here if you’re going to cause trouble. If not, you can sit back shut up and wait, understand?”

Pat sighed heavily his face telling me he was about to explode and freak out. His temper barely under control, “John…”

“Just go!” I said shaking my head still trying to shrug Chad off me.

“Ok, I’ll see you Monday?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “Come on, Cole.”

“Sorry,” Cole said turning and following Pat as they got the attention of Dom and Adam and Uncle Ben walked them to the front door.

“Have fun guys,” Wallace said walking over to where Will was standing. 

“That wasn’t the deal,” I said shaking my head still struggling with Chad, “That wasn’t the deal stop him!”

“He has permission from your brothers Contract. Nothing I can do about that, sorry kid,” Dick said shaking his head as Chad started walking me towards the Sauna.

“He doesn’t have a contract holder!” I said.

“Your brother has been keeping stuff from you if that’s what you think,” he said as he opened the door and Chad forced me inside. Dick shutting the door behind us as he pulled his swim trunks off and Chad pushed me into Dick’s arms.

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Relax it’s hot,” Dick said shrugging his shoulders grabbing the bottom of the back of my shirt trying to force it up over my head.

“Can’t I leave my clothes on?” I asked feeling a bit of panic.

“Oh, come on,” Dick said, “Don’t act like I haven’t seen you naked before baby. And you look good naked. Very good. Don’t you think Chad?”

“He’s a little soft but not bad,” Chad commented coming up behind me and putting his hands on my shirt as well.

“Stop,” I said shaking my head pushing back off of Dick’s chest only to have my back bump into Chad because they weren’t giving me much room to move.

“God he’s tiny like a girl,” Chad said sniffing the back of my head.

“Let me go please,” I said as they finally pulled my shirt up over my head, “Please don’t do this.”

“What are you so afraid of?” Chad hissed in my ear from behind, “That you’ll like it?”

“Rich please,” I begged him looking him in the eyes to which he grabbed my chin and Chad started fiddling with my draw string on my bathing suit.

“It’s ok, it won’t be like the Villa if you don’t make it that way all right?” Dick said quietly as my bathing suit slipped from my hips leaving me naked my pelvis pressed against his legs as I felt Chad’s hands on my ass.

“Nice,” Chad muttered quietly and I felt his weigh shift somehow his hands leaving for a minute and then coming up feeling up the back of my thighs his hands spreading my butt cheeks making me whimper. What the hell was he doing? I remember thinking that. Not sure what exactly was going on behind me but feeling his hands petting my thighs and ass making me feel terrified.

“It’s ok baby,” Dick said cupping my face in his hands kissing my forehead, “Just think of it as a birthday present you’ll enjoy it.”

I felt wetness on the small of my back a tongue as Dick got down on his knees in front of me putting my hands on his head as he started kissing and licking my pelvis. I remember shaking my head trying to breathe trying to calm myself down knowing how much trouble I would be in if I pushed them away if I said no before I felt the tongue slide into my asshole making me gasps before I could stop myself.

“Holy shit,” I barely muttered trying to breathe as Dick grabbed me and started pumping rubbing me slowly sliding his thumb over my slit making me hard.

“Yeah?” Dick said looking excited, “Chad here, he’s kind of straight he said that eating an ass is like eating any ass especially when it’s mostly hairless so…I figured he could help me out here. What do you think?” He smiled at me before sliding his tongue along the head of my penis.

“No,” I shook my head wanting to pull away probably moving my weigh in some way because Chad grabbing a hold of the back of my thighs hard trying to keep me still.

“Just relax, you’ll melt,” Dick said before he deep throated me taking me into the back of his throat making it almost impossible for me to keep standing that tingling already unbearable.

I hated it. I hated not being to get away. The two of them holding me as tightly as they could their mouths on me the feeling of Chad’s tongue moving in and out of me ticking the sensitive skin around my entrance. This was something I wasn’t ok with. This was like the two things I hated most happening at once and my body wasn’t letting me fight back me even trying to move my legs difficult.

“Stop,” I whined as I felt the pressure finally moving down below after traveling through my body starting to build as I got closer and closer to orgasm me pulling at the hair on Dick’s head trying to get his hands off my balls his mouth off my cock as Chad’s tongue swirled circles around my back end his fingers on one hand started to tease my entrance as he held one of my butt cheeks open with his other hand his knees on either side of my left leg trying to me keep me from moving.

“Stop,” I said again shaking my head, “Stop god please stop, stop, stop stop, I don’t, stop… please stop, please, stop, stop,” I begged my face red with effort of trying to continue to pass air through my body when every muscle in my being wanted to seize, tighten up and stop working my shoulders tensing and untensing repeatedly as my leg muscles cramped from supporting my own weigh and the pressure of Chad’s knees digging into the sides of my ankle.

“Stop,” I begged barely able to choke the word out as my eyes started filling up my tears my body giving into their demands as they kept going.

“You taste so fucking good though,” Dick said before licking up and down the side of my shaft as I tried to push him away my knees starting to buckle as Dick deep throated me the sucking noises the only thing that could be heard as I tried to keep fighting it my ass still being eaten, my dick balls deep in his mouth as I started to cry feeling like my body was overrun with that cold fire knowing I was close and that I didn’t want to be.

That it was so fucking wrong and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop myself from coming. This was my birthday. It was supposed to be my day and yet they couldn’t even give me one fucking day. Chad pulled away breathing deeply, “You do taste nice, should I give you some relief? See if I can find it?” He hissed into the small of my back licking and kissing there.

“Stop please just stop,” I whimpered as I felt Chad’s finger slide into me.

“Must have licked you nice and good huh? No problems, that’s awesome. Might make it easier to find,” he said moving his finger in and out using a come-hither motion inside of me moving his finger around until I hissed my whole body contracting, “There it is. I’ll make it feel really nice birthday boy.”

“Stop,” I said as his finger bumped against my prostate again causing me to squeeze my muscles together trying to stop myself from coming just as he found an angle where he refused to break contact. My whole finally mostly collapsing, my weight making me unable to move. I shot my orgasm in Dick’s mouth, making him moan in pleasure as he swallowed continuing to suck on me. There was a pound on the door making both Dick and Chad jump in surprise as I nearly fell to the ground on my knees Dick catching me with his shoulders just in time.

“Guys it’s time to go,” I heard Leo’s voice on the other side of the door, “Aren’t you done yet?”

“Yeah Dad come in,” Dick said grabbing his shorts and pulling them back on as Chad held me sitting down on the Sauna bench touching me starting to rub me making me bite my bottom lip. My body beyond over stimulated every touch feeling like a shock to my system.

“Having fun huh?” Leo asked looking at Chad.

“Yeah, I think Rich was right, he’d turn any guy gay. Even his ass tastes good,” Chad said, “I can’t wait until I get a chance to try his other juices.” He kissed my neck and started sucking and biting on it his hand still around my cock. I squeezed my eyes closed.

“God that’s beautiful,” Leo breathed, “But I’ve got to get him home. Get him some food probably and then well, him and I need to discuss something.”

“Can I play with him another time then?” Chad asked, “Like maybe come over some weekend and hang out with Rich and then we can…”

“I’ll think about it,” Leo cut him off, “In the summer there will probably be more time since we’re going to be switching weeks. If I get to recontract him which is looking hopeful. I’ll see you later Rich ok? I know you have to take Wallace and Chad home.”

“Ok Dad,” Rich said, “See you later.”

Leo grabbed me gently by the shoulder as Chad handed Leo my clothes, my shirt and swim trunks. Leo steered me away from the Sauna and towards the door back into the living room where Wallace was sitting watching TV. I didn’t see Will anywhere. However, I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t have any hope that Will hadn’t been hurt since Wallace had been trying to get his hands on him for a while.

“Shouldn’t I…” I started saying.

“Put some clothes on?” Leo interrupted, “Yeah you can put your shorts back on.”

“No shirt?” I asked quietly.

“You won’t need one baby I promise,” Leo said handing me my shorts which I slid back on as he sighed, “It’s a shame to watch you put clothes on.”


	49. 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John heads over to Leo's house for the weekend, his brain feeling broken. They stop over to pick up some comfort food Leo showing a bit of jealousy before taking John back to his place. Leo appearing understanding or caring in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1037 to 1050. I know it's a short chapter and I this was a month break instead of a 2 weeker but I just picked up another class and I am very close to finishing school so my focus has to shift for a while. I hope you enjoy. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced touching, groping, homophobia/homophobic language, bullying, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, mental health issues**

I swallowed and crossed my arms over my chest wishing I could have my shirt back. Wishing I could say bye to my siblings before we left as he grabbed my shoulder and then kissed my cheek. I followed him out to the kitchen and to his SUV silently. My body was still shaking from what Dick and Chad had done. My skin still on fire, me seeing it and feeling it every time I blinked making me want to cry. This was supposed to be my day. My birthday and they had taken me and hurt me again. I climbed into the passenger seat quietly putting my seat belt on and pulling my knees to my chest.

“Come on you’re a young man, sit like one,” Leo said looking over at me.

“Sorry, I just…” I mumbled quietly.

“So how did you like your gift from Rich?” He asked me, “What did they do anyway?”

“I…” I trailed off.

“Did they fuck you? Because they weren’t allowed to do that,” Leo asked looking at me as he put the car in reverse.

I shook my head tears coming to my eyes. I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t want to think about it. The way it had felt having them pin me so tightly I couldn’t get away as their tongues and lips explored my body and they made comments about how good I tasted. How they had smiled as my body shook and I struggled to breathe. As I fought my body.

“Come on don’t cry. They didn’t hurt you, did they?” Leo asked me putting the car back into park and turning to look at me.

“They…” I swallowed trying to get rid of the dryness in my throat, “Rich he…”

“Gave you head while Chad rimmed you?” Leo asked.

“Wh-what?” I asked confused.

“Gave you head from the other end, made you the middle of a blow rim sandwich,” Leo asked me and I nodded my head, “Why are you so upset then? Most guys would love one of those for their birthday. I’m honestly surprised Chad likes eating ass. I didn’t see that one coming, however you were probably pretty clean because of all that chlorine,” Leo commented.

“But I-I…” I felt my breath get caught in my chest.

“Hey, you’re a young man now. No crying. There is nothing to be upset about here so you need to calm down,” Leo said to which I nodded my head, “Now can you tell me why you’re so upset?”

“I-I don’t like that,” I answered, “When…” I sighed trying to find my breath. Trying to pull my tears back, “he does that,” I finished in barely a whisper.

“Why I know for a fact it doesn’t hurt. It usually feels pretty damn good. I’m assuming you mean mentally. Can you tell me why?” He asked me.

“It’s scary,” I answered staring blankly ahead at the outdoor pool in the back yard as he put the car back into reserve and backed out of the drive way.

“Is it the lack of control you think? That feeling?” Leo asked me as I nodded my head.

“Think of it as practice. Not everything in life is going to be in your control. You should learn how to just let go of that thought that you’re not in control and enjoy it. It’s good practice for you ok baby? I mean you do so with a lot of things but that control thing, you’re wound really tight baby. We have to get you to relax,” he said putting his hand on my thigh making me cringe and tense.

He sighed, “No, come on. I know you’re doing that because you feel vulnerable but, there’s no reason for that,” he glanced at me as we hit a red light looking at my eyes, “God your eyes are the brightest green after you tear up. Makes me want to fuck you right here.”

I shook my head, “Plea-please don’t. Please,” I said my tremors starting back up.

“I’ll wait until we get home,” Leo said, “Is there anything special I can do for you for your birthday, different from usual?”

“Can I call Patrick when we get there?” I asked him quietly.

“Why on earth do you want to call Patrick baby?” He asked me.

“I need to talk to someone,” I answered.

“Then you talk to me. Your relationship with him is unhealthy. You are way too involved. If it were up to me you wouldn’t see him at all. However, I can’t do anything about what you do when you’re with your Da. So, it’s not my place to say you can’t see or talk to him when you’re at your Dad’s place. But when your home with me, you stay away from him. You don’t think about him, all right? If you need to talk to someone you talk to me. Because I love you and I care about you and what you’re thinking and feeling ok baby?” Leo answered me.

“It’s about…” I trailed off.

“About what? About Rich? Look he didn’t do that to hurt you. He had my permission. He loves you and he really enjoys your company. He was just showing you that by giving you a nice birthday present that money can’t buy ok? If you’re upset because it surprised you and you felt out of control I understand that but if you need comfort to feel safe you turn to me ok? Not Patrick. I’m your boyfriend not him you understand?” He asked me continuing to drive to which I nodded my head.

“Good,” he said quietly holding his hand out for me to grab which I did limply because I knew if I didn’t he would be mad, “I noticed you didn’t eat a lot of Pizza or cake at your party are you hungry? Can I get you anything on the way home?”

“Soup?” I asked quietly.

“Egg drop?” He asked me smiling knowing it wasn’t the first time I had asked for it. I asked for it when I was upset. Especially when I was feeling bad and like I needed to cry. I nodded my head in response, “Ok I’ll stop and get you some egg drop soup from somewhere. I wish you didn’t let yourself get so upset. What happened is over ok and it’s just going to be me and you for tonight. No Rich so we’ll just relax all right?”

I nodded my head and we drove in silence for a couple of minutes until we hit another red light and I thought about Will. What Wallace had done to him. If he was ok and how I wasn’t there to make sure he was all right. How he probably felt like he had no one to talk to as well. The thought hurt. Knowing that I had tried to keep Wallace away from him, warned Wallace to stay away from him and in the end, it didn’t matter one bit. In the end he had gotten what he wanted despite the way Will felt about it.

“Leo?” I started quietly.

“Yes baby?” He said glancing over at me and then picking up my hand and kissing the back of it.

“What did Wallace do to Will?” I asked him.

“Well, I don’t know and it’s not something you should worry about. You’re not his contract holder and you’re not his handler ok baby? It’s not something you need to think about. I know he’s your brother but this is where your control issues come in again. What happens to Will isn’t up to you it’s up to the people who take care of him. They decide who gets to give him lessons not you, you understand that don’t you?” Leo asked me, “I’m sure whatever Wallace did if he did anything he had permission from your Dad and your Uncle ok?”

“He’s only a kid,” I answered quietly.

“Yes, exactly. Which is why his handler and contract holder decide what’s best for him and who helps him learn things about life and his body. Just like your Dad and I do that for you because even though you’re older now and you’re now considered a young man you are still underage.

So, we decide what’s best for you and who takes care of you, who gets to teach you besides us. And we decide those things together. Just like we planned your birthday surprise together ok?” Leo said as we pulled up into a parking lot.

“How about you stay here in the car and I’ll be quick. I love you ok? Just try to calm down I don’t need you all jumpy for later. Maybe I should use that method to help you relax? Have Rich help me teach you? What he did at your party with Chad I mean.” He kissed me quickly on the cheek after glancing around to make sure no one was watching and exited.

I didn’t say or do anything and just sat there trying not to think about it. What that would feel like having them push up against me like that at the same time their hands and tongues all over my body as I begged them to stop. Just like I had begged Dick and Chad to stop when they were doing it. As Leo got out of the car I rolled down the window and brought my knees into my chest sighing trying to calm down but my heart still racing as I closed my eyes.

“Hey McGregor, right?” I heard someone ask opening my eyes in fear until I noticed it was a kid around my age.

“Yeah? I know you right? Chang?” I asked pretty sure he was in my gym class.

“Yeah, what’s up? How is your break going?” He asked me.

“Ok,” I answered quietly looking at him pulling my knees tighter into my chest trying to make sure I hid my scars.

“Are you ok?” He asked me frowning at my posture and probably the energy I was giving off.

“I’m fine,” I answered.

“Not much of a talker, are you? Mine is going pretty good actually. My mom is actually excited this year because my grandma is coming over from China to visit for Christmas,” Chang said, “Do you have any big holiday plans?”

“No,” I answered.

“Did you hear the rumors about those guys? That new guy from Japan that he’s gay?” Chang asked me to which I shrugged my shoulders, “Don’t you hang out with him? You should be careful about that. People might think you’re gay too.”

“There’s nothing wrong with him,” I answered.

“Really? Because I heard he was doing things with that Cole kid on the side because everyone knows that Cole is fucking the headmaster to get passing grades. Seriously you hang out with the only two gay guys in the whole school. I mean I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay really but it’s kind of weird. You want to be known as gay?” He asked me.

“Cole’s not doing the headmaster that’s just a rumor,” I answered.

“Well he like never does any work. How else do you explain it and Watson is like super creepy so he must be gay. I mean haven’t you ever seen the way he looks at some of the guys? That’s pretty damn gay.” Chang said.

“That’s not gay that’s perverted,” I answered.

“Well gays are perverts,” Chang said, “I mean they want to fuck little boys.”

“That’s not gay that’s pedophilia,” I said pulling my knees even tighter to my chest.

“I thought pedo’s only went after like 6-year old’s,” Chang said, “So I’m pretty sure anything over 12 is just like gay.”

“You can’t have sex with a 12-year-old without breaking the law, I’m pretty sure. So, I don’t think that’s gay because there is nothing illegal about two people of the same sex doing it if they’re both adults,” I said.

“Wow that was a big sentence for you,” Chang joked, “You know many pedophiles or gay men? Because you seem to know a lot about the subject.”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk anymore. And I hadn’t asked Leo if I could talk to him. For all I knew I would get in trouble for talking to him outside of school because he wasn’t a part of the brotherhood.

“What did you reach your word quota?” Chang scoffed just as Leo came out of the restaurant.

“Hey what are you doing?” He asked Chang frowning.

“I know him,” Chang answered, “From school, we were just talking.”

“Oh,” Leo said, “What about?”

“Just school rumors and stuff,” Chang said, “Nothing interesting.”

“Nonsense, school rumors are always interesting. Any hot gossip I don’t hear at home from Rich, John?” Leo asked me.

“Rich?” Chang asked.

“My older son,” Leo said.

Chang looked at us. Looked at Leo’s dark salt and pepper hair and dark eyes and then my green eyes and pale skin with red hair. He seemed to be doing some calculations in his head as he glanced between us repeatedly taking in Leo’s tanned skin compared to my pale white.

“What’s your last name again I forgot?” Chang asked.

“Swartzman,” Leo answered him.

“That’s funny are you his step Dad? Because his last name is McGregor,” Chang said.

“Yes,” Leo answered, “Rich is his stepbrother but we don’t really think of each other as step do we Pal?”

Leo shot me a strained smile and I nodded my head as Chang’s eyes kept glancing back and forth between us but smiled and nodded his head, “I’ll see you after break ok McGregor?” Chang said. I nodded my head and waved at him as Leo went to hand me the paper bag with my soup in it.

“John sit like a civilized person please,” he scoffed as I put my legs down so I could take the soup, “Who was that?”

“Some kid from school I have gym with him,” I answered.

“Why did he ask if I was your Dad? Did you say something to him?” Leo asked me his eyes flashing.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “We barely talked.”

“You sure?” He said gesturing towards the restaurant that he had gone into, “What if his parents run that place? You know how much unwanted attention we could catch? You want this to be like that nosey bitch at the supermarket? You want to ruin our weekend?”

“I didn’t say anything Leo, I swear,” I said feeling my heart start racing, “I know the rules. I know I’m not supposed to talk about things ok? He asked me a stupid question about Tosh and I answered him that’s all I swear.”

Leo looked at me skeptically but sighed, “Ok I believe you.”

“I wouldn’t Leo. I swear please, please don’t…” My voice started getting high as he buckled his seatbelt.

“I believe you ok? Calm down. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. What did he ask about Tosh?” Leo asked me.

“If he was gay,” I answered.

Leo scoffed, “You’re all what 14. You have no idea whether you’re gay or not. Don’t be in a rush to figure that one out either ok baby? I like this, us. I really enjoy being with you and once you decide how you’re going to be they’ll set up a wife for you. But, that’s not until you’re around 20 something. I’ll probably be with someone else by then but once you make up your mind about that type of thing it makes it harder to enjoy being contracted. You don’t get as much out of it.”

“Are you gay?” I asked him suddenly realizing I had never thought about or bothered to ask him.

“No, not my adult orientation,” he answered, “I’m actually seeing a very lovely woman as well as you. You fulfill other needs that she can’t.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Well, for some men one person is enough and usually that person is an adult woman who agrees that he’s enough to meet her needs a well. The Brotherhood is a group of men who believe it’s important to teach our children how to use their brains and bodies to their advantage. That we need to give them a proper sexual and intellectual education and we believe in mentorship. Where a young man or woman will help a man, who doesn’t believe one person can meet his needs. In that case the young person helps in different ways, usually, companionship and that young person earns favors. Favors like getting into good universities, sometimes presents, trips, money, and once they leave university or college a good internship or job at a very nice company that will help them be successful in life so they never had to worry about any of those things. I happen to be a person who leans more towards young men like yourself to help me meet needs that a female companion can’t fulfill in my life. You understand?” Leo asked me.

“Not really,” I answered.

“Ok,” Leo sighed as we pulled into the driveway, “You’re beautiful John. I find you very attractive and you have things about you that woman doesn’t and can’t have, you understand?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, “You mean my…”

He cut off my words, “Anatomy? Yes, that’s what I mean. And you’re quiet and sweet and you try so hard to behave. Adult women aren’t worried about behaving or pleasing anyone usually. They aren’t worried about learning things because they already know them. This way I get to hang out with someone I enjoy who enjoys me. I get to show you things about yourself that you might not be aware of and I can teach you how to get ahead in life without using people and only depending on yourself which is not a skill most people have and not an opportunity most people get to have ok?”

He rubbed my outer thigh again. So that’s what they thought this was? Teaching people? Teaching people how to have sex. Selling me and paying for me. I really was a whore. I remember thinking I really was a whore. A whore who would end up earning everything they had by using their body. He pushed the opener and opened the garage allowing it to close before he sighed and put the car in park turning off the engine, “How about we go inside and you can have your soup ok? And then we’ll just relax you and me no one else tonight.”

I nodded my head. I was still worried about Will. Worried about what Wallace had done to him. What Da or Uncle Ben might do to him. It made me think back to what Dick had said. Will had a contract holder. Like Leo hold one for me and Gus had one with Patrick but who? I never saw anyone around.

was it someone that Da invited over after I left on the weekend? Was it someone like Arthur who I saw all the time but didn’t really think would want a contract with him? It scared me thinking of my brother having to go through that, the same way I went through it. Having to lay down and do what someone told him to do maybe even having someone shove things up inside him he didn’t want there. And he hadn’t told me. He had been dealing with it alone because he thought I was so fragile I couldn’t handle it. Because of that he had been dealing with it all by himself. The thought broke my heart.

I climbed the stairs my heart trying to break free of my rib cage knowing what I was heading for. That he was going to let me eat food if I could manage to bring myself to eat and then he was going to make me have sex with him. I was 14, it was my birthday and here I was, everyone, using me like it was just another day. Like it didn’t matter at all. Like I didn’t matter because I didn’t. When he opened the door, he held it for me allowing me to walk in past him.

“Are you going to make me…take off my…?” I trailed off finding it hard to say anything at all.

“Well, are you dry?” He asked grabbing my ass through my pants and squeezing it tightly for a second, “Yeah you’re dry so, for now, you can keep them on ok baby? You can eat some food we’ll watch some tv and cuddle ok? You want me to get a bowl or are you going to try and eat it right out of the container?”

He went into the kitchen area and grabbed me a spoon gesturing with it for me to sit down on the couch which I did, taking it out of the paper bag. The heat still there, the soup still hot as I set it down on the coffee table.

He came to sit next to me as he handed me the spoon. I opened the lid dipping the spoon into the tall container and took a spoonful bringing it to my lips and starting to eat some of it when I noticed he was staring at me intently with the remote in his hand making me stop to look at him.

He chuckled lightly, “Sorry baby you’re just…so beautiful,” he said reaching out and running his hand through my hair reminding me how badly I needed a haircut.

“You’re not going to do things, are you?” I asked him as I stopped eating putting my spoon down.

“While you eat? No, baby, that’s… You have enough trouble eating and I can see I startled you by watching. I’m sorry, ok? You know what? You eat,” he said putting the remote next to my soup on the coffee table, “Watch some TV, try to relax. I’ll go take care of some paperwork I have, ok? That way you don’t have to deal with my staring. I’ll come back when I’m done.”

Leo got up kissing my cheek as he did so walking away without waiting to hear whether I wanted him to go or not because of course, I did. I didn’t want him staring at me while I ate. I didn’t want him staring at me at all. I didn’t want to be in his house at all. I always felt naked there, exposed and it felt like it wasn’t just because he made me walk around shirtless and wearing only sweatpants it was something more, something that made my stomach twist into knots.

I found something on TV and settled in eating my soup slowly until I felt full and sleepy stretching out across the couch and slowly falling asleep feeling my eyes start to get heavy until I heard the door to the office open Leo coming out into the living room. When I tried to sit up he told me I didn’t have to, that I was fine the way I was.

“What are you watching?” He asked me.

“I’m not even sure,” I answered quietly.

“We can go to bed if you like, it’s late. It’s close to midnight,” he said coming over and picking up my legs putting my feet on his lap and starting to rub them.

“Like sleep bed or the other one?” I asked.

“Well, how about we play it by ear?” He said rubbing my ankles. Giving me that look making me pull my feet away.

“Hey, no pulling away and no pushing you know the rules,” he said to me making me sigh and put my feet back on his lap. “Thank you.” He added starting to rub my feet again. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, his hands rubbing up and down my sides as I shivered with fear.

I didn’t want this to happen. Not on the couch where someone could just walk in and see even though the odds of someone walking in were slim to none. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want him on top of me, I didn’t want him to kiss me like I knew he was going to kiss me.

“Leo, I’m tired,” I said quietly as he looked at me.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Ok let’s go to bed huh?”

I nodded my head in agreement and he got off me, helping me up off the sofa. I followed him into the bedroom where he was taking off his clothes and he gestured with his neck to the bed, “Get ready. Clothes off ok, baby?”

I sighed nodding my head in agreement as I slipped out of my swim trunks and left them on the floor getting under the covers quickly. My whole body shivered as I laid down curling into the fetal position hoping he wouldn’t make me. Hoping but knowing that I probably wasn’t going to be lucky enough to get a break because he almost never gave me a break. He climbed into bed beside me looking at me him fully unclothed as well and he touched my cheek.

“Hey, it’s ok,” he said noticing my shivering, “Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise.”

“I don’t want to,” I answered quietly.

“Your brain doesn’t want to and I know you’ve heard this before but, you’re young. Your brain doesn’t understand what’s best for you and this is what’s best baby. I love you ok? I wouldn’t ever hurt you. You know that there’s nothing to fear,” Leo said running his hand through my hair gently.

“It’s my birthday,” I said.

“Not anymore,” Leo said, “Come on sweetie, come on.”

He pulled my legs down out of my arms and started kissing me, my neck and my chest his mouth and tongue all over as I whimpered as I started crying. I felt trapped. I wanted to know why that was love. Why he couldn’t be with someone else. Anyone else. Why it had to be me as his kisses trailed lower licking my nipples.

“Leo please,” I begged and he hushed me.

“Just relax ok? Just relax it’ll feel good. I know your body wants it even if your brain fights you on that,” Leo said as his kisses met my upper abs making me jump and close my eyes as I whimpered.

“I don’t want to do this,” I begged him my tremors getting worse.

“I know that’s what your brain says,” he said kissing my pelvic bone.

“No,” I whimpered, “No, Leo please not right now. Please.”

I begged him not to but he didn’t listen, his mouth going there, going around me. That tickling spreading up my spine as it got hard to breathe as I started to struggle with breathing clutching the sheets in my fists to make sure I didn’t push him away my body becoming aroused like he wanted it to, making him happy. Sending a shock through my system as he tried to slide a finger into me.

“No,” I squealed, “NO.”

“Hey, hey it’s ok. I’m just stretching you out ok?” He said stopping and leaning over top of me to get to the nightstand grabbing some lube, “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

He kept going his finger feeling tight until he added some lube to relieve some of the friction against my skin. After a while, he added another finger moving it purposefully like he was trying to hit my prostate making it hard for me to even think let alone speak and keep protesting. All I could do was lay there and pant knowing I couldn’t push him away. That I couldn’t try and make him stop without making him angry and earning restraints.

“Yeah, that feels good?” He asked me as he stopped for a minute sliding inside of me pushing my legs apart and holding them to his hips, “Come on baby look at me. I want to see your face.”

My eyes glanced at him as I felt that fullness it always gave me. He pushed inside of me him hissing pleasure, “You feel good.” He muttered rolling his hips causing me to throw my head back trying to keep breathing, trying to not let him make my body feel that pleasure that it did when someone brushed against my prostate. I moaned despite myself even though I didn’t want to.

The feeling is intense sometimes you make sounds you don’t mean to make. Sometimes that pressure is too much and your body feels like it’s about to explode. You can’t help but moan or mewl or hiss. Even if you don’t want it, you can still feel physical pleasure from it.

“Yeah, god baby you’re amazing,” he said rocking his hips, “I love you so much. God yes, oh fuck yeah…” He kept repeating his thrusts getting stronger, deeper until I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all my body responding to his. The stickiness hitting his stomach and bouncing off it, dripping down mine as he reached climax inside of me. Stickiness coating my insides making them feel wet and slick as he climbed off me, kissing my neck and cheek. Holding me.

“Beautiful baby, just amazing.” He muttered into my skin, “amazing. We’ll sleep well yeah?”

I nodded my head my eyes too heavy to open as I panted with exhaustion. I felt disgusted with myself. With the fact that I had come so hard especially after what Dick and Chad had made me do earlier. After the way they had taunted me and used my body. Even after all that my body still had enough energy to give Leo what he desired. My hair wet with sweat, sticking to my forehead as I panted laying there with my eyes closed.

“See it felt good, didn’t it? Your body sure responded. You exploded everywhere,” he commented.

“It’s a lot…to…handle,” I managed to get out in-between pants.

“Well yeah, a prostate orgasm is mind-blowing. You want to go shower baby?” He asked pulling me to him by the neck and kissing my forehead as I continued to pant just trying to relax even though he was hugging me. I felt like I wanted to be anywhere but with him, in his arms.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as my breathing finally slowed down and we both became silent. He was apparently waiting for me to get up and I didn’t realize it because after a few minutes he chuckled lightly.

“Why aren’t you getting up, waiting to be able to feel your legs again?” He asked.

“Mhm,” I made a noise of confirmation and he hugged me tighter.

“God you’re amazing,” he muttered into my shoulder blade making me swallow hard.

All I wanted to do was get up and be away from him, scrub myself until I couldn’t feel him anymore or his fucking son yet I knew if I tried to stand I would probably fall over. My legs numb and my whole body still tingling. He thought I wanted this. That I enjoyed this? I would rather be with anyone else than with Leo. Laying there with him, thinking about how Dick was supposed to be in the house with us tomorrow. How I was going to be their prisoner. Their sex slave and I was dreading it.

“God, how do you smell so fucking good? Even after we’ve just made love you smell so amazing,” he said kissing the nape of my neck lightly at first and then biting it and sucking. His hands slowly leaving my hip and moving down my body as I laid on my side.

“Leo don’t,” I said grabbing his hand making him freeze and I felt his body tense in anger.

“Don’t grab me, push me away or try to fight me,” he said in a low warning tone making me let go of his hand, “Good. There we go.”

“I don’t think I can do that again,” I said as he started rubbing me. My body was spent. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted to be done.

“Leo, please. I’m begging you, please. I can’t do this, I can’t please,” I said and I started sobbing before I could stop myself.

“Oh geeze,” Leo huffed, “Hey listen, Listen to me baby ok? You’re a young man. You don’t need to cry ok? I know you’ve had a long day and you're tired but I thought that maybe a little more activity would make it easier for you to sleep. Apparently, you’re just not feeling good. So, I’m going to draw you a bath and we’ll bathe you ok? Hopefully, it will help you unwind and then we’ll go to sleep ok?”

I kept crying slamming my hand over my mouth trying to quiet my sobs. I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted to be done. I didn’t want him near my skin anymore. Not him, not Dick, not anyone. I wanted to cut my dick off so no one could touch it anymore.

“Oh, baby you’re ok, it’s ok,” he said rubbing my back in a manner meant to calm me, “You need to relax ok? I’m scared you’re going to hurt yourself. I can’t have you hurting yourself here. You understand that, right? I love you too much to stand by and watch that happen.”

I curled up on myself even more. The feel of his hands on my back sending cold fire through my skin as he got up and left the bed as I started to calm down. Maybe he was really going to leave me alone. I really didn’t want to be touched anymore. I heard the water turn on and a few minutes later he came around to the side of the bed I was facing and picked me up.

“Come on, just a bath it’ll make you feel better,” he said as I cringed and tensed, sniffled and hiccupped, “You’re just tired baby, that’s all. You just need some sleep. You’ll feel better when you’re clean and you’ve had some sleep.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I whimpered quietly as one of my tears hit his shoulder.

“I know baby, it’s ok,” he said quietly lowering me into the tub.

“I don’t know why everyone hates me. Why no one listens. I’m so tired. I’m so tired all the time,” I cried aware it was Leo but not able to hold it in anymore. Having been so good for a while about trying to hide it, hide how hard it was how much it hurt me emotionally. At least from Da and Leo. I needed Pat. I needed Pat to hold me and tell me no one hated me. That they were sick people that there was nothing wrong with me and I couldn’t have that. Not this time but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I know your tired baby. I get it but no one hates you, baby,” Leo cooed lowering me into the tub, “We love you. We all love you so much that maybe it’s a little overwhelming but we don’t hate you. We only want what’s best for you. That’s why we do what we do baby ok? Trust me if we didn’t love you we wouldn’t be so concerned about your future.”

He picked up the shower poof and covered it in soap rubbing it into my chest as I kept crying. That wasn’t what I meant. If they loved me and I mattered they wouldn’t do things to me when I said no? They wouldn’t touch me down there or kiss me like they did or make me do any of things they forced me to do. Including having sex with their sons. One of which was my own brother.

“There you go just calm down everything’s ok,” Leo said as I went quiet staring at nothing, “Maybe I pushed a little too far? I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to upset you ok? I know it can be hard sometimes. Learning, I know how bad it can feel sometimes but, it’s for the best try to remember that. I remember what it’s like. Having so much sex your whole body is sore. Being blown so much you feel like your dick is raw but in the end, it’s worth it. These years are going to help you form career ok? These years are going to help you make those connections that are going to push you so far up the ladder of success you won’t even be able to see the bottom ok? I know it’s hard. Trust me, I remember but it’s worth it and you don’t have to be with everyone because your mine.”

“I remember what you and Dr. Palmer fought about. I almost wasn’t yours,” I said not looking at him.

“That’s true, but that’s in the past. You’re mine now. If things keep going good you’ll be mine probably until your 17 or 18 and you go off to college and then you’ll have another great and fulfilling relationship with someone else that will help you transition into adulthood. You’re an amazing young man and I’m going to do what I can to make sure you’re ready for that step,” Leo said.

“You said they were worse. That…” I started to say. 

“It was Father Barren who was the closest to holding your contract besides me. He likes to fist. I don’t know how much you know about fisting but it’s painful and it can do permanent damage ok? Boys prolapse because of fisting. He’s also into choking, he like to strangle his partners until they pass out. It’s dangerous he’s dangerous. I saved you from that. If I didn’t love you if you didn’t matter I wouldn’t have saved you from that ok? Don’t you think if I didn’t really love you, you would probably be with him?”

“Why would my Da make me be with someone like that if he loved me?” I asked feeling like I had just swallowed a stone. My Da was going to put me with someone who could kill me? Who wanted to choke me on purpose and not just when they lost their temper? Why would he do that?

“It was going to be a lesson because he was mad ok? Not because he doesn’t love you but, you can’t let your mum boss you around. He thought when your mum took you away you should have stopped her from doing that because you knew she couldn’t take care of you guys the way you needed to be taken care of. So, he was upset with you. I had to remind him many times that you’re still young. That you didn’t know any better. And I convinced him to let me have you and I don’t hurt you, do I?” Leo explained.

I shook my head. That was true. He hadn’t really ever hurt me physically besides that one time when I had pushed him away and fought him because he hadn’t told me about the webcam and that people were watching but, he hadn’t done anything like that since. That was better than being fisted.

“I love you, I do. I love you so much and I can see you’re not doing well so I’ll make you deal. If you don’t hurt yourself if you promise not to hurt yourself, you can sleep in Rich’s room tonight ok? In the bed by yourself. Do you think that would make you feel better?” He asked me.

“I think so,” I answered in barely a whisper because I was afraid he would be mad. Be mad that I didn’t want to share a bed with him like I always shared a bed with him, this time being the first time he had really given me any choice in where I would sleep.

“Good,” he said kissing my temple, “Can you feel your legs yet? If so I’ll let you finish on your own ok?”

“Yeah, I can feel my legs,” I answered nodding my head, “Thank you Leo, for letting me sleep by myself I mean.”

“You’re welcome. If that’s what’s going to make you feel better I’m going to try and give it to you. Ok? Because I love you,” Leo said getting up and shutting the bathroom door behind him.

He allowed me to finish bathing myself. He didn’t knock on the door and ask me if I was ok or if I needed help. He didn’t come in and brush his teeth or use the bathroom. He let me finish my bath in peace and when I came out he didn’t yell at me for wearing a towel around my waist just nodded his head and got up directing me to Dick’s room.

When I opened the door, I noticed it was painted green, a dark green on the walls and the carpet was the same off-white as the rest of the house. There were different posters hanging up of Michael Jordan, Cobie Bryant and a bunch of other basketball stars along with a poster of a shirtless David Beckham that seemed to follow me with their eyes as I looked around the room.

“That’s Rich for you,” Leo said from the doorway where he had stopped his advance, “All about balls.”

I smiled lightly at the pun. Sadly, basketball wasn’t the only type of ball he was interested in. The other type being the ones between my legs. The thought making me frown again as I looked around before sitting down on the bed. Was it better to sleep in the bed of one of my rapist, the one that wasn’t here or sleep in the bed with the one that was? I probably stood better chances taking the bed that was lacking its owner I decided as I pulled the bed covers back and climbed in.

“Can you hand me the towel?” Leo asked.

I didn’t look at him. I hated looking at him. He was naked because it was night time and at Leo’s house everyone slept naked. Usually, you could see a lot of twigs and berries in the early morning sun when everyone got up in that condo and I didn’t like being naked and didn’t like seeing other people naked. That part was always uncomfortable for me and I tried to avoid looking at him or Rich when they were in a state of undress even if they still wanted to look at me.

I handed the towel to him and he kissed my hand before letting it go, “Thank you, baby. I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast ok?”

I nodded my head as Leo turned off the light and then left the door open only a crack. I felt somewhat at ease being in a bed by myself. It was a lot easier to fall asleep without the feeling of his body heat next to mine, without his body pressed against me, or touching me in some way.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another weekend at Leo's. Leo having an unusually short temper and subject John to some cruel and unusual punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1050 to 1066, Ok lots of heavy warnings here. I know I've dropped to mostly monthly updates on this one but I am currently writing Will's POV as I share it so there's a lot of writing going on there to catch everyone up to the same timeline. I'm also in my last two classes before I finish my Undergrad. So yay me for. **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced oral, forced rimming, forced anal, Restraining, bullying** I refuse to use the warning "forced bondage" because in the BDSM community no bondage is forced and this is not BDSM this is imprisionment. There is a big difference between the two and I have decided that in order to not confuse some uninformed readers I will try not to use that warning from now on but use "restraining" or "Forced restraints" instead.

When he woke me up my brain was fighting its way in and out of the realm of sleep like it wanted to wake up, knew it should wake up but was having trouble doing so.

“John baby you’ve got awake up unless you want to serve yourself to Rich in a neat little bow all tucked in bed for him. Not that he would mind. I’m sure he’d really enjoy it,” Leo teased as my eyes struggled to stay open and I sat up.

“So tired,” I mumbled.

“Well if you get up you can put sweat pants on and I’ll get you some food, all right?” Leo said grabbing my hand before he kissed the back of it again, “Come on hard-boiled eggs, cottage cheese, and some cantaloupe.”

I still didn’t move resting my head on my own shoulder. I was so warm and safe I didn’t want to leave. The bed feeling better than almost any bed I’d ever been in. I was still fading in and out until I felt the covers get pulled away. Leo chuckled as he put his arms under me lifting me up like I was a feather of a person.

“Someone needs some coffee,” he said and I nodded my head once as my neck gave way and gave up the unsuccessful attempts at supporting my head causing me to rest against his shoulder.

I thought he was taking me to the living room and took me a minute to realize I was laying down someplace else. When I finally managed to keep my eyes open for longer than a micro second, I realized where I was. I was in his bed, Him on his hands and knees over top of me so I wasn’t bearing any of his weight as he looked at me closely.

“Good morning,” he said quietly the intense gaze he was giving me making me feel uneasy, reminding me of how naked I was.

“Morning,” I mumbled, “I thought we were going to eat?” I stammered.

“I figured I’d make sure I got my extra protein first,” he said leaning in almost like he was doing a push-up and nudging my neck.

“No,” I said shaking my head. This wasn’t a wakeup call I wanted. I didn’t have morning sex often but when they had made me I had never enjoyed it. I doubted I would start enjoying it that day even if I was newly 14.

“It’s ok,” he said scooting down my body landing a kiss in the middle of my chest, “God, your skin tastes sweet in the morning.”

“Leo please,” I begged him knowing I couldn’t push him off. That I couldn’t fight back or else I would be in trouble, “Don’t, don’t…”

“Relax, a lot of guys enjoy waking up this way…” he said licking down the center of my body.

I was wide awake now. My body starting to heat up at the prodding of his tongue on my skin. This wasn’t ok. This was way beyond the point where I was ok. I wasn’t ready for this. I hadn’t pissed, I didn’t feel awake still and I had major morning wood that was now insanely hard when I didn’t want it to be.

“STOP!” I shouted trying to sit up as he pushed me back down by pushing on my sternum.

“What was that?” He hissed at me stopping what he was doing his mouth still just centimeters from my skin above my belly button.

“I don’t want to,” I said not daring to try and sit up again, not daring to move.

“Yeah well, we all do things we don’t want. You’re mine. I’m your boyfriend. If I want to blow you before breakfast I’ll blow you before breakfast and you’ll let me,” he said his eyes cold and deadly serious, “You understand me?”

I shifted under his gaze, “I’m sorry.”

“You better be. You know you’re in trouble, right?” He asked me.

I nodded my head. I knew I was in trouble. Even if I hadn’t meant to I had pushed him away. I had fought back trying to get him to stop.

Just then the front door opened and I heard Leo sigh loudly and then his expression changed and he smiled, “Rich just in time, come in here,” Leo shouted.

“Huh, ok?” Rich replied in a questioning tone coming up the stairs and to the bedroom door where Leo was still on top of me looking at me and I didn’t like what I saw in his eyes.

“Rich, John here thinks just because he’s 14 he doesn’t have to respect me anymore. What do you think we should do about that?” Leo asked never taking his eyes off me.

“I don’t know,” Rich said shrugging his shoulders in my side vision, “What does he hate the most?”

“Well, he said he found his birthday gift most unpleasant. Did you enjoy it though?” Leo asked him.

“Well, yeah…?” Rich asked.

“Good. Can you get me the binder, the fork, and the leg spreader?” Leo asked him.

“Fuck yeah,” Rich giggled lightly.

“B-B-binder?” I managed to stutter confused. I had never heard of such a thing before but whatever it was it didn’t sound good.

“You’ll find out baby, did you think when I said if you misbehaved I would restrain you I meant handcuffs? That’s so sweet,” Leo said staring at me as Rich came over and put something down on the bed beside us.

It was a pile of things, metal and leather and terrifying. I had never seen anything like this stuff before. Not even in my Da’s basement or at the Villa where I had seen whips and paddles and sex toys and different types of rope and handcuffs and shackles. He grabbed what looked like a tiny metal fork with two prongs on either end and slid it on what looked like a belt resting his weight on my waist so I couldn’t go anywhere and then held it up to my neck forcing my chin upward as he pushed it into my chest under my chin pinching my skin forcing me to hold my head up as he buckled it around my neck and smiled satisfied.

“Yeah this will be fun,” Leo said when I started trembling with fear.

“I’m sorry ok? I didn’t mean to, it was an accident,” I tried to hurriedly explain before they did anything else to me as I pulled at the collar, “I got freaked out, ok? Because it’s too early and my skin felt too sensitive, ok? I’m really sorry. Leo, what are you doing?”

“Too late,” Rich said a smile of glee on his face as Leo grabbed something else and then yanked me into a sitting position by the collar pushing the lower prongs harder into my collarbone making me hiss in pain.

He grabbed this weird leather thing that was all straps and buckles and undid the buckles pulling it over my shoulders and adjusting it painfully pulling my arms behind my back and I heard a zipper unzip and zip back in place. More buckles tightening around my arms which had been forced together behind my back. What the fuck were they doing? Was all I could think. I had never experienced anything like this before.

“Now try to push me away,” he said sitting on my knees still as I started tearing up. I didn’t want this. What the fuck? I couldn’t even move my arms feeling like my shoulders would be ripped from their sockets if I even attempted to free myself.

“Leo please, I swear it was an accident!” I gasped again somehow managing to speak through the burning in my arms.

Rich picked up a giant metal rod that made me jump. They weren’t going to shove that into me, were they? That would fucking kill me. They wanted me to die just because I had pushed back?

I mean I knew some of the guys in the brotherhood were twisted but I thought I knew Leo better than that, better than to impale me on something because I had accidentally pushed him away from me. Leo turned the rod so it was horizontal in his hands instead of vertical confusing me even more. What was it for? What were they doing with it? That’s when they hooked these soft leather straps to each end of it and put those around my ankles making sure they were buckled tight.

“Leo please,” I said quietly afraid what too much protesting would get me since I was in a place where I was sitting straight up my neck and back not able to move my arms being pulled on from behind to the point where I couldn’t put any weight against them and my ankles locked together with a bar separating them. My heart was beating so fast I wasn’t sure what was happening and I felt light-headed. I was barely able to speak because every time my throat moved the fork poked me either in the chin or the collarbone.

“Hey, can you get out the lifting strap too? We can hook it to the chain loop on the back of the fork collar and it will hold him up so we can…replay yesterday,” Leo said and Rich nodded going back over to the closet.

I tried to shake my head before realizing that was an impossible task, “No,” I whispered.

“I told you we should use it as a lesson. Help you relax a little bit learn to accept your lack of control,” Leo said, “I think you had your little accident because you don’t want to relinquish control. Well, guess what? We’re going to work on it until you can.”

“Can I take some pictures?” Rich asked smirking and licking his lips as he looked at me.

“NO! Of course, you can’t take pictures unless you’re going to keep them secure. Which, I’m assuming you want them to show people for humiliation and blackmail which is not secure. Don’t ask again. Now you want to take the front first or the back? I’m pretty sure he’s still clean.” Leo commented.

Rich handed Leo the lifting strap which apparently went through a loop at the top of my shoulder straps and then a loop at the back of my collar and attached to another leather strap that Leo hung from a small hook in the ceiling so that I was standing upright my posture completely straight and unmovable to the point where I couldn’t even look down and see my feet.

“There we go. This should be fun. Now, do you want back door or garden hose?” Leo asked.

“I’ll do back door first. If we’re going to teach him how to accept that he’s not in control we’re going to have to go for a while you know?” Dick commented making me want to scream. 

“I know, he has no refractory period yet though I’m pretty sure. So, we’ll see how long he can last before he passes out,” Leo commented as he got on his knees and I could no longer see him, “If you’re going to do fingers use lube. He’s going to be sore enough when we’re done we don’t need to add to it otherwise it goes from punishment to torture.”

I felt Leo’s hands on my hips and I whined. He was really doing this. He was really going to force me to have oral sex until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Leo please,” I begged again as I felt his hands slide up my outer thighs and Dick spread my cheeks apart.

My body wasn’t sure what happened first a hand on my cock or a finger in my ass but either way I whimpered at the sensation. I didn’t want this and I couldn’t even move or grab anything to steady the shaking that started taking over my body as I fought with them. Fought to keep myself from becoming aroused, from giving in. 

“It’s ok, it’s not really going to hurt you. It’s just a little lesson ok?” Leo muttered his lips moving so close to my head I could feel them as Rich started moving his finger around inside of me.

“Dad?” Rich said.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Chad did this thing yesterday to find his prostate. What does a prostate feel like? You know, so I know when I find it?” Rich asked.

“Well, it’s about the size of a walnut and it’s smooth like a big button almost. When you find it he’ll let you know, trust me,” Leo answered him.

“Oh, I know he will. You should have heard the sound he made yesterday when Chad found it. It was really hot actually,” Dick said moving his finger around in a circle inside of me slowly pushing his finger farther and farther in until I felt him hit it. My whole body jerked as much as it could being so tightly restrained and I made a small whimpering noise.

“There it is,” Leo muttered licking along the length of my shaft causing my eyes to go wide and my breathing to become erratic.

I tried to say please but the sound came out indecipherable. My whole body feeling the pressure building starting at the tips of my toes and going to the roots of my hair. This was way beyond punishment. This was torture. My whole body under their complete control.

I felt like I couldn’t move, not even an inch. That there was no way to move or do anything to stop the pressure from building. It built fast feeling like an explosion of piss from my pelvis which Leo happily lapped up, “You just came so hard baby,” Leo muttered after swallowing before he pulled away. 

I thought they were done. That they would let me go, at least unstrap him but, they kept me locked there. Trapped in my body. Dick still playing with him, using his hands to rub me to completion again as he licked and sucked on my asshole making satisfied moaning sounds every couple of minutes. At one-point Leo getting up and leaving the room. Leaving me hanging from the suspension system they had used to pull me upright and off the bed, leaving me hanging from the hook in the ceiling as Dick kept fondling me, kept raping me with his mouth.

I remember my body shuttering no matter how hard I tried to stop it from responding. From feeling what Dick was doing to me. No matter how hard I tried to go away in my head it felt like I was trapped, just when I got used to the sensation him switching things around doing something difficult to pull me back. It was agony. I just wanted him to stop.

I didn’t want it to happen anymore. My brain going numb just trying to find a way to escape the way it felt. His hands and mouth on my skin before I heard Leo renter the room, heard him make a sound in the back of his throat like he was happy. Like he was enjoying the spectacle him and Dick had turned me into.

“You want to know how to find it with your penis?” Leo asked him messing with the strap above my head that was linking me to the ceiling.

“Are you going to let me actually try it or just show me?” Dick asked.

“I guess you can try it first. You know what it feels like with your finger now right?” Leo asked.

“Well yeah,” Dick said.

“Ok don’t try to find it with the head of your dick try to find it with your shaft and just brush up and down against it like a toothbrush,” Leo said finally undoing the strap holding me up and then unlocking the collar from around my neck letting me fall onto the bed face first legs still unable to close.

“Ok,” Rich said and I could feel him standing behind me, his hands on my neck rubbing it lightly before he leaned forward into my body, “I’m going to fuck you and you’re going to love it.” He hissed into my ear.

“No please, please no more,” I begged before I started sobbing outright, “Please no more! I’m sorry! Leo, please, please! Don’t let him, please! Please, Leo! God, please! Please, please don’t let him! Please, I don’t want to! Please! Please, Leo!? I’ll do anything, just don’t let him please!”

“Hey,” Leo said looking at Dick as Dick climbed on top of me kissing the back of my neck, “Use a condom.”

“But you get to do it without one,” Dick protested his weight retracting away from me for a minute.

“Yeah well, he’s mine, isn’t he? I said use a condom. So, you use a condom understand?” Leo said.

“Yes, sir,” Dick answered.

I felt like my heart or brain was going to explode with how much anxiety was pumping through my body. I was only able to move my head and neck again. My arms still pulled excoriatingly tight behind my back. My legs locked open at the ankle.

I had to try begging again. He had to know I was sorry, that it was an accident. That I hadn’t meant it. I was just tired and stupid. He knew how stupid I was, he spent all weekend with me for god sakes and had for nearly six months now.

“Please Leo,” I begged quietly trying to calm myself, “I don’t want him to.”

Leo sighed and came around to where I could see him. He sat down on the bed and pulled my head into his lap rubbing my hair, “He needs the practice. It will make you think twice before you ever do that again no matter how tired you are.”

I felt weight reclaim my back and the back of my knees as Dick climbed back on top of me again. I closed my eyes trying to calm down, trying to hold it together. I still couldn’t move, couldn’t fight back and just had to lay there. I felt Dicks’ hands massage my ass, his fingers playing around inside of me as I tried to keep quiet, tried to keep from screaming or moaning.

“Just relax,” Leo said and then I felt the head of Dick’s penis press against me making me gasp.

I didn’t want this. He felt like I remember him feeling before. Like he was trying to fill me with an unusual amount of stuffing. My thighs started to tremble with the effort of trying to pull themselves closed against the direction of the spreader bar between my legs as I whimpered, giving up on begging Leo to make Dick stop. To not let him violate me. I gasped as he finished pushing in the tightness and heat too much on top of the still tingling nerves endings from what his fingers and tongue had done earlier.  
“It’s ok baby,” Leo said rubbing my head as I laid there helpless unable to move anything but my head as Dick allowed his body to settle into mine whispering obscenities above me and inside of me.

“Oh fuck,” Dick muttered, “This might even be better than the first time. God, how is he so fucking tight?”

“He has trouble relaxing until he blows his load,” Leo said still rubbing my hair as Dick started to pull out and then push back in painfully slow making me moan before I could stop myself, “That’s it, baby, just enjoy,” Leo said continuing to pet my head as I felt my face go red with shame.

“Oh fuck,” Dick moaned, “You feel so good. God, he feels fucking amazing.”

“Trust me I know,” Leo commented as Dick hit against my prostate making my body tense making my arms ache painfully.

“Oh shit,” Dick said thrusting deeper and grunting.

“Just try to relax into it. Let it happen ok, baby?” Leo said his son buried inside of me pushing in and out. Rubbing against that spot making me hate myself, making my eyes sting, “You keep going like that he’s not going to last very long.”

“A…” Dick barely managed the sound before he pushed into me hard grabbing the front of my hips and digging his fingers into them. He pushed or pulled me back onto him as hard as he could as I felt his body tense, his fingers turning into daggers before they relaxed and he rolled off me panting.

“You didn’t even finish him,” Leo sighed heavily moving my head gently sliding me off his lap so he could stand, “I’ll fix it, baby, ok?”

He was going to rape me now. Awesome. I guess that’s what a whore does right? I remember thinking that. Being unable to move and being sure I was a whore because of it because my body seemed to like the inability to move, to even struggle.

Usually, when I was with someone the closer I got the more I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands or the sheets below me or sometimes even the bedpost because it felt like it helped divert the energy that was being forced into my body somewhere. Somewhere I didn’t have to feel it but without being able to move, my hands back to back strapped tightly against each other so I couldn’t move my fingers that energy had nowhere to go. Everything they did ripping through me like a tsunami ripping through a coastline.

I remember feeling light-headed just feeling Leo push inside of me. My head, my whole body on fire with every small movement of the fabric under my skin wishing I could stop it. Wishing he would just get it me over with. I was close to passing out just from fear alone.

“He is rod fucking hard,” Leo said touching me as I felt my vision flash.

I wanted him to stop. This didn’t feel good at all. That’s what my brain kept telling me. That I needed it to stop, that it was too much. My thighs started twitching again the muscles tightening painfully as Leo’s fingers dusted my thighs with light touches my eyes already starting to roll from the contact against my skin.

“Not yet baby,” he said to me even though I was barely hanging on, I knew I was going to come and come hard and the thought of giving him that was beyond what I could stand.

I wasn’t even able to speak. Everything felt like it was under too much pressure the tingling beyond anything I had ever felt before his fist wrapping around me before he forced me on my side. My left shoulder complaining heavily.

He didn’t even really pull out just repositioned himself his hand moving as Dick signaled him. Dick curling up on the bed in front of me before I felt his hand, his tongue. Before I felt his lips part to take me into his mouth. I made a weird humming sound mixed with a cry and a moan all at once before my eyes rolled and that’s the last thing I remember before Leo was dumping cold water on my face bring me back.

“That was fucking hilarious, I want to learn how to do that,” Dick said from somewhere beside me.

“I can honestly say that’s a first for me,” Leo said quietly smiling down at me, “Hey beautiful, you ok?”

I wasn’t sure what to say and went to sit up realizing my arms couldn’t support me feeling the pull of the straps around my shoulders holding my arms together behind my back. I tried my best to avoid looking at either of them. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to go home and I was so fucking tired. I remember something feeling wrong with my head.

“Nope. Come on, wake up baby,” he said tapping my cheek lightly causing my eyes to open again, “You ok?”

I turned my head away not wanting to let him see the tears there. Not wanting him to know how ashamed I was. How …good that had felt to my body.

“No, look at me,” he said grabbing me by the jaw and pulling my face straight as he leaned down on the bed in front of me, “Are you ok?”

I nodded my head looking him straight in the eyes before my lip started to quiver and my eyes started stinging again. I knew I was about to start crying when I sniffled in a deep breath. I didn’t want to cry in front of them anymore and especially in front of Dick.

“Do you think he just passed out because we fucked him that much?” Dick asked Leo.

“No, actually I think he had a mind-blowing orgasm. Probably literally,” Leo said smirking over at Dick before he turned his attention back to me running a hand through my hair again, “Is that what happened? You had such a strong orgasm you passed out?”

I remember feeling disorientated at the question. Was that even possible? Could you have an orgasm like that?

“Really?” Dick asked, sounding excited, sounding pleased with himself.

“Well, I don’t know. You do have some of his cum your hair Rich. So, what do you think?” Leo asked rolling his eyes and sighing.

I squinted my eyes feeling sensitive to the light and sure enough, there was a glob of what looked like it could have been mistaken for snot caught in the hair on the side of his face. I felt sick. The way Dick’s eyes lit up as he touched it. Touched my mess in his hair.

I didn’t want to talk. I wanted out of the restraints. The restraints still keeping my legs spread and my arms pulled painfully tight behind my back. If I stayed this way much longer I was going to be beyond hurt and I could tell sighing before I worked up the courage to speak.

“Leo?” I asked him.

“Yeah, baby?” He asked me.

“I’m sorry,” I answered him quietly, “didn’t mean to.”

“I know your sorry baby,” he said, “Will you ever pull away like that again?”

“No,” I whimpered, “I promise.”

“Ok,” he said running his hands over my rib cage and kissing me before he forced his tongue into my mouth and I heard Dick cough causing Leo to pull away after a minute.

“I don’t want to watch you make out with him,” Dick said.

“Rich, my room, my boy, my rules,” Leo said warningly.

“Sorry,” Dick said putting his hands up, “Are we going to keep going or are you planning on letting him out? It’s nearly 6 in the morning.”

That couldn’t have been right. When he had woken me up it had been breakfast time. My brain blanking as I tried to remember everything that had happened. They had kept me changed up, let me use the bathroom five times but had never undone my arms. They had made sure I got food or had attempted to feed me. I had turned my head away in disgust too tired. Too sick to eat.

Had it really been that long though? Had I been chained up for that long unable to move of my own free will and unable to stop them from doing what they wanted with me? I hadn’t realized it had been that long.

“You know what just to make sure you understand, baby and don’t think of this as a punishment but a lesson in surrendering ok? I think that we’re going to keep you like this for a little while longer ok?” Leo said not addressing Dick but me.

“W-wh-wha-what?” I stammered the tears starting before I could stop them, “Please Leo! I’ll be good I won’t ever do it again! I promise!”

“No, just relax. Trust me ok?” He said rubbing my sides again, “Do you need to use the bathroom? I can lift you up and stand you over the toilet so you can go, help you out. But I think you need to spend a bit more time depending on me ok? That way you’ll trust me a little more.”

He wasn’t going to let me out of these things? These straps digging into my shoulders and armpits making me feel raw, the bar that made it impossible for me to close my legs to offer my genitals any type of protection from anything no matter how little protection having my legs closed provided for me considering I’m a guy. However, it did make it harder for them to stick their fingers and dicks in my asshole so that was going for me when my legs were closed and that was an assault I couldn’t defend myself from.

I shook my head no. I was tired. Broken. I knew there wasn’t anything I could say or do to get me out of the restraints he had me in as he took a water bottle and put it to my lips which I turned my head away from sighing. I didn’t want to take water from him. If I was thirsty he should take off the restraints and let me get it myself. I wasn’t going give up to him. I wasn’t going to let him treat me like I was a baby or a fucking dog.

“Drink it or you wait until next time I offer it,” Leo said quietly petting my head to which I sighed turning my head away, “Ok then. You’ll wait until I’m ready.”

Both him and Rich left the room leaving me there still restrained my arms still being pulled on. It took me forever to roll over so I was laying on my stomach whining and then sighing in relief as some of the pulling on my arms ceased. This sucked. And he was going to leave me like this all day? At least he wasn’t raping me I guess. I remember thinking that before the doorknob turned. My stomach nearly rebelling as the door opened quietly and I saw Dick looking at me. 

“What the fuck do you want?” I mumbled even though I felt dead inside. Felt like there was almost no point in talking to him.

“You maybe?” He said making me shift my shoulders making me hiss out in pain.

“Where is Leo?” I asked.

“Dad? He’s in his office. He said you need a lesson in submission so maybe I should help you with that a little bit,” Dick said sitting down on the bed next to me, “Maybe after a little bit I could…let you out?” He said dragging a hand along my back setting my nerves on fire.

“Don’t touch me!” I hissed.

“Why your skin still on fire?” He asked smiling at me, “I can make it feel good. Make you pass out again.”

I shook my head the mere thought of it making me feel dizzy with fear, “Please don’t.”

“Remember, a lesson in submission,” Dick said getting closer to me as I tried to scoot away and found it almost impossible “How did you turn yourself over anyway?”

“I don’t even know. I think I used my legs. I can bend my knees a little ok?” I moaned rolling my eyes, “Could you please leave me alone?”

“I don’t think that’s as much fun as watching you squirm,” Dick said looking at me his hand moving lower on my back.

“Rich please,” I said.

He smiled at me and then stood up before I felt his weight on my back making me cringe as I felt his breath on my neck, “You feel so good. I can’t imagine a vag ever feeling satisfying again.”

“Rich please,” I begged knowing that struggling, pulling anything would probably put me in a lot more pain than I already was. He was going to do it again and there was nothing I could do to stop him. Not a thing.

“Is it wrong, I want to lick you everywhere?” He muttered kissing the back of my neck making the roots of my hair tingle as I shakily exhaled trying to breathe.

He repulsed me. He beyond repulsed me and he was on top of me licking and biting the back of my neck making it hard for me to think when I couldn’t move. When my arms were tied behind my back so I couldn’t push him away. I closed my eyes hoping he would stop but knowing he wouldn’t.

“God you’re so fucking amazing you know that? You’re fucking perfect. The way your body feels inside and out,” he said landing a kiss between my shoulder blades making me want to scream, “I think you were made just for me baby. Like your hips…”

He grabbed my hips gently shifting his weight squeezing them lightly and grinding against me before he ran his fingertips over them like he was feeling out their shape, “the perfect fit in my hands, and your skin is so soft, so sweet. You’re perfect. I just wish you could see it. That you wanted me as much as I want you.”

He kissed the center of my back before sliding his hands along the sleeve my arms were stuffed into his body weight moving down before I felt his tongue against my tailbone.

Oh fuck. I thought as I bit back a sob. Because I hated oral. I hated it in my ass or around my dick. I couldn’t stand the way it made me feel. He moaned against my skin as I bit into my cheek wishing I could move even just a little. Wishing I could stop this from happening as I felt his tongue go there making me jump.

I don’t know how I held it together through the ordeal, Him burying his tongue in my ass as he played with my shaft licking that from behind too as I tried to stay calm my body becoming pliant under his tongue and his fingers, making me pant making it hard to stay silent. His finger finding its way up ass against my prostate a moan breaking free before I could stop it.

“Yeah? Feels good?” He asked me wrapping his lips around me from behind, from between my legs where his hands were running up and down my ass, caressing my body.

I remember being too weak, feeling too hopeless to protest. Too afraid that if I opened my mouth I would start crying as he sucked and moaned his throat fluttering as it opened. A squeak escaping me even though I hated myself for not being able to stop it. My face heating up with shame as I bit my lower lip pressing my lips together to try and stop myself my moaning and sobbing which just turned into light hums as he kept going before his finger hit it just to right way sending me over the edge making me orgasm hard my whole-body shuttering as I went silent trying to ride out the wave ripping through my body.

“Must have,” he said gasping as he laid on the bed beside me, “You sure came hard not as hard as last time but, you know.” I felt him shrug his shoulders.

I wanted to cry but not in front of him. Not in front of him. So, I stayed silent. I didn’t get it. Why he liked me. Why any of them liked me really. I was a whore. Anyone could make me orgasm really. It didn’t take much just a couple touches in the right place a warm squeeze around me and I was putty.

“Your cum is really sweet, you know that?” He asked me.

“So, I’ve heard,” I grunted, “Are you going to let me out now?”

“Probably not,” he said stretching and putting his arms behind his back as he laid beside me sprawled out lazily next to me as he looked at me, “Why are you so mean?”

I laid there silent staring at him. Was I mean? I didn’t make people do those things. I didn’t tie people up and put my hands all over their body without their permission and I was mean.

“Why do you think I’m mean?” I asked.

“You didn’t say thank you. Thank you, Rich, for giving me such amazing orgasms and for sucking my delicious cock. You never say anything about it,” he answered.

“I don’t …” He cut me off.

“If you didn’t like it you wouldn’t explode in my mouth like a cherry tomato,” he chuckled, “Do you think maybe I just want you to be mine?”

“I’m not anyone’s,” I lied.

“That’s not true and you know it, you have my Dad written all over you,” he said, “And every other man you’ve fucked.”

“If you like me why are you talking to me like this?” I asked.

“I love your body and fucking that boy pussy. What more is there to like?” he said.

“You know I don’t want to be with them, right?” I asked him quietly near tears.” I hate it. I know I’m a whore ok? I know that’s all I’m good for and I don’t need you to remind me.”

“You don’t have to be,” Dick said frowning at me intently, “You know that, right? Just pretend you enjoy it and they’ll stop. Make a statement of intent when you turn 17 and they’ll stop. They’ll contract you to someone but, mostly you’ll do things with someone else together. Even though can you blame them for wanting you? Look at you. Everything about you is…well you know.”

“No, it’s not,” I said shaking my head.

“It’s ok to admit you are hot,” Dick said reaching out and touching my cheek.

“I’m not,” I stammered, “I’m not I’m…”

“Shhh…,” he said caressing me, “Trust me you are. You’re always so tight too.”

I closed my eyes sighing. He was going to rape me again. He wasn’t done. He slapped my ass cheek looking at me, “Why can’t you be mine?”

“If I wanted to it’s not like they would let you have me,” I muttered quietly waiting for him to climb on top of me again, for him to push his fingers or his dick inside of me.

“You realize everyone wants you right? You know how many videos are on the site of you? What type of comments they get? It ranges from I want to suck his big bulging cock to I want to fuck him until he screams. You have a fan base. Just think of me as one of your biggest fans,” Dick said, “Your ass fits like a glove, it’s perfect. Just sliding into you can make anyone cream I bet. God, I want to fuck you. I want to breed you.”

“Breed?” I asked forgetting what it meant.

“Cum inside you,” he answered, “Do you like the feeling of cum dripping down your thighs?”

“Stop please,” I gulped. I hated that feeling but I didn’t want to talk about it or think about it.

“What was your first time like?” He asked me.

“Too young to remember,” I answered, “Are you going to fuck me or are you going to keep your gob running?”

“What about your first time with someone besides your Dad or Uncle?” He asked me arching a brow at me.

I shook my head.

“What does that mean?” He asked me, “According to the website your first time you were with this big leather daddy wearing a mask and him and these other guys tied you down and fucked you raw, you bounced up and down on his cock half passed out screaming One of them sucked your dick like the sucker it tastes like.”

“If he would have done that I would have been icing my cock after he was done and I didn’t have to deal with that until I went to the hospital,” I answered.

“You’ve had someone suck your dick so hard you needed to ice it?” He asked me half laughing.

“It’s not funny it fucking hurt ok? I couldn’t even piss without being in pain,” I told him.

“Does it hurt when you get fucked?” He asked curiously.

“Are you kidding me? Leave me alone,” I sighed.

“So, you would rather fuck then?” He asked me.

“I would rather you let me go,” I said just as Leo opened the door.

“Hey, boys having fun?” Leo asked us.

“I was trying to make him pass out but, I haven’t succeeded yet,” Dick answered.

“Want some help? I mean you got him mostly there but I pushed him over the edge,” Leo said.

“He is your butt boy,” Dick said.

“Rich, manners,” Leo said, “Do you need to use the bathroom yet? It’s been three hours and you’ve blown your load how many times with my son?”

“Only once,” Dick answered.

“Only once? What the hell Rich?” He asked scoffing, “You’re supposed to be teaching him to submit that means making him cum until he can’t speak and his eyes are crossed not making him cum once and then boring him to death by talking with him. Please tell me you were at least the one who flipped him onto his stomach.”

“He was like that when I came in here,” Dick answered.

“Did you want to do a reverse then? Because I know you have a thing for his…”

“Dad!” Dick said blushing.

“Nothing to be ashamed of kid he tastes fucking amazing,” Leo said grabbing me by the brace around my arms without warning and turning me over on the bed his face going there without warning.

“NO!” I said shaking my head, “No please Leo, no he just did that, no. NO, no more, no Leo stop.”

His lips slid around me my thighs cramping as Dick stared at us wide-eyed as Leo went down on me his body pressing into mine my own arms digging into my back as he hummed the air popping as he pulled his mouth off me licking up my pelvis and biting the lower part of my belly button.

“His face…” Rich muttered and laughed as I bit my lower lip, “I think he’s going to cry.”

“Oh, baby come on, no crying you’re a big boy now,” Leo said his hand moving up and down.

“Stop,” I begged knowing I was going to start screaming if he didn’t stop. My whole body sore and burning and tickling.

“I think we need to do a very important trust exercise,” Leo said looking at Dick.

“What?” Dick asked frowning and Leo moved his finger and come-hither motion and whispered something in Dick’s hear who looked at me and smiled, “Really?”

“Yeah, if you want to,” Leo answered, “Just go grab that tickler from the closet.”

“What’s that?” I asked looking up at him.

“Don’t worry baby. It’s just in case we want to use it, no big deal,” Leo told me as Dick came back with this Anchor shaped thing in his hand. Oh, it was one of those. He then grabbed the lube out of the nightstand slathering it on himself. As Dick got on his knees above my head.

“John, you can suck Rich off while we do this if you like,” Leo said as he finally undid the spreader bar holding my legs open the pain in my thighs and calves lessening for just a minute as he rested himself between my legs.

Oh, fucking great. I looked at him and shook my head as he pushed his hips forward and arching his back as he slid into me making a hissing sound, “God your almost too tight. Dick leaned forward both of his legs on either side of my head so I had to close my eyes because I didn’t feel like staring at his balls dangling above me.

“OH FUCK!” I screamed as I felt Leo push the rest of the way inside me and the wetness of Dick’s mouth slide around me.

“Not ready for that huh?” Leo asked me as I shivered shaking my head, “It’s ok just relax.”

“Leo stop,” I begged as he did something weird with his hips and moaned hitting against my prostate, “Shit.”

“Yeah?” Leo asked Dick’s hand starting to play with my balls gently.

“Ok, ok stop,” I begged pushing my knees into Leo’s side making him roar.

“Yeah? You like it that much?” He asked me thrusting deeper hitting it more directly on.

“No stop,” I whimpered, “Stop please, both of you ss….”

“Keep going Rich, see if we can get him to pass out again,” Leo said before releasing a string of curses and grunts of ecstasy.

My breath got caught in my chest as my eyes rolled and I felt my body seize with an orgasm almost as intense as the one earlier that morning my shoulders the only thing holding me back from that edge feeling like they were about to pull loose from their sockets as something wet and sticky landed on my face and I felt Leo’s body contract and push that hot wetness up inside of me.

I heard Leo laugh as he pulled out of me, “You came in his eyes, don’t open your eyes baby you won’t be able to see anything.”

“Sorry,” Dick said, “He came in my face.”

“No, he came in your mouth actually,” Leo said.

“Yeah, he did,” Rich said before I heard him sigh, “Dad can I…?”

“Just this once,” Leo said before I felt a cold cloth on my face and a tongue licking my thigh.

I shook my head not even able to speak really my teeth chattering as I tried to close my mouth my eyes burning even though they were closed. When were they going to stop? They weren’t ever going to stop, were they? They weren’t ever going to let me go. They were going to keep going until I lost all feeling in my body until all I could feel was Dick’s mouth around me.

“Relax into it baby it’s ok, let it happen,” Leo cooed as I kept my eyes closed my body never fully relaxing from the first orgasm my whole being burning as Dick’s lips and tongue brought me back to that very thin edge and tipped me over.

“Did he pass out again yet?” Dick asked excitedly.

“No but close,” Leo said, “I think one or two more and he’ll be there if you want to keep going.”

That was when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was done I started kicking because my legs were free, I started screaming and crying not even words just screaming. I was finished he couldn’t touch me anymore he touched me anymore and I would cut it off the first chance I got I was done. I was beyond done.

“Holy shit. Calm down,” Leo barked, “Rich grab the spreader we have to tie him back up. I’m going to go get his pills and make him take one.”

“Don’t do that,” Rich said, “If he passes out you know how hard it’s going to be to make him jizz that and if I let go of his ankles he’s going to kick me in the face again.”

“Don’t let him go I’m getting it. His arms are pinned remember?” Leo sighed getting up.

“Don’t do it,” I said shaking my head finally finding my voice having worn myself out even more physically, “Don’t do it.”

“You’re supposed to be working on submitting,” Dick reminded me.

“I can’t,” I begged, “I can’t.”

“Well hate to tell you this baby but, he’s not letting out of that arm binder until you do. The fact that you tried to kick me I don’t feel the least bit sorry either,” Dick answered.

“You were hurting,” I whimpered before I let a sob escape.

“Pretty sure your body was telling me to exact opposite,” Dick said.

“No, it hurts,” I muttered, “Rich let me go, please. Please.”

“It’s ok,” Dick said moving to hold me which made me scream his hands feeling like they were burning. This was beyond horrible as Leo came back into view grabbing my legs. After that I don’t remember much I don’t know what happened but I knew he put me back in the leg spreader and someone did something. I can’t remember what but I remember feeling it, feeling my body explode repeatedly.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is finally released from the torture Dick and Leo subject him to. Finally making it home, sore and exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1066 to 1083. Mostly mushy stuff if you don't like it. Don't read it. Lots of dialogue **Warnings: Underage kissing, talk of sexual abuse, talk of injury, talk of bullying, talk of harassment, mental health issues, PTSD, anxiety**

I’m pretty sure they did it all day and when they finally stopped the sun was down and Leo just turned the lights off leaving my body locked the way it was so that I couldn’t move at all. The next morning, I didn’t even bother to beg to be let out of leg spreader or armbinder and Leo put the collar with the weird two pong thing back on so he could have me stand so he and Rich could do the sandwich thing again. Leo sucked me and Dick shoved his tongue up my ass until I felt like my brain was swimming in this fog, like nothing made sense. They were talking to me, saying things to me. They even fed me but none of it made sense.

He didn’t let me out of the armbinder or leg spreader until he put me in the shower Monday morning. I remember my legs feeling like jelly and arms hurting so badly I felt like I could barely move them before he put me the SUV and took me home where he dropped me off in front of the kitchen door saying something about after Christmas and leaving me standing there confused as fuck.

It took a few minutes before I realized he had left and I ended up just sitting down up against the wall outside. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking pretty sure if I opened my mouth I would scream me still feeling them both on my skin.

“Hey,” Someone said making me jump and curl myself into a ball.

“John? what’s wrong?” It was Will and I had just worried him like nothing else when I felt like that was the last thing I needed right now, “John?” Will said quietly sitting down next to me.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“No, you’re not you look you’re on the edge of a breakdown,” Will answered, “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” I said shaking my head surprised I was talking at all my brain trying to clear the fog, to relax.

“John you’re shaking. What happened? What did Leo do?” Will asked and I felt myself twitch at hearing his name.

“I’m fine,” I said again hoping he would just go just leave me alone because if I moved I was going to chop my dick off. I was going to skin my wrists and pull my veins out and make sure they didn’t have time to revive me.

“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “Does this have something to do with what happened at your party?”

“What happened?” I asked him and his eyes went wide.

“You’re birthday on Friday? Remember? Uncle Ben made Pat and everyone leave and left you with…” I cut him off.

“No, it’s…he…” I stuttered. I wanted to tell him that Rich had kept going and he wouldn’t stop. He didn’t stop and then Leo did it and then they made it so I couldn’t move so they could keep doing it and I couldn’t stop them. That they never stopped. They never wanted to stop and I could still feel them because they didn’t want to stop.

“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “You want me to call Patrick? Help you get upstairs somewhere safe so Da doesn’t…”

I sighed nodding my head. I had wanted to call him so bad when I got to Leo’s and Leo had told me it wasn’t allowed and then he had ...I couldn’t even think it. My brain was that shot. Just thinking the word made me want to shriek.

“O…k,” Will said slowly and nodded his head, “You want me to help you up or is this one of those…”

I shook my head, “Don’t touch me please.”

“That’s what I thought,” Will said, “Go upstairs and I’ll call Patrick, you can hop in the shower it might make you feel better.”

I stood up using the wall to support my weight my arms burning as they moved my legs still cramping. I groaned in pain feeling unstable on my feet. My whole body felt like one giant bruise and torn muscle. I didn’t understand how any of what they had done was supposed to help me relent and get rid of my control issues.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“Everything hurts,” I barely managed to gasp.

“Ok well let’s get you upstairs then,” Will sighed opening the door and holding it for me so I could stumble forward.

Every step made me want to scream, made my legs feel like they were about to give out under me as we made it to the elevator. I sighed as Will climbed in beside me wondering why I needed a babysitter when all I wanted was to be alone so I could claw my skin off still feeling their bodies pushing into mine, their hands, and tongues all over my skin.

“So? Are you going to talk about what happened?” He asked me, “What’s wrong?”

“I…,” I shook my head. How did you tell your little brother that? That they did weird horrible things to you. That they shoved this metal bar against your collarbone that poked you making it so you couldn’t even turn your head as they raped you.

“What are the marks on your collarbone?” Will asked me frowning like he wanted to cry for me.

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Ok,” Will said as the lift door opened and I walked out into the hall Will following me to my room and looking at me as I laid down my bed on my stomach, “Can you tell me anything?”

“Will I don’t want to. I know sometimes talking about what they do to you helps you but me it just…they don’t do the things to you that they do to me,” I said quietly.

Will snorted, “Yeah they don’t you’re right. You only have to deal with Leo once a week for three days whereas I…” Will looked at the intensity on my face, “Never mind.”

“No,” I said, “You brought it up and by the way why didn’t you tell me you were contracted? I thought I was the only one.”

“Well, would you have told me if Da hadn’t made it so obvious? I’ve been contracted from the moment we got off that plane over a year ago now,” Will said, “He’s …he’s horrible to me ok? How do you know anyway?”

“Dick said something about it,” I said quietly, “After he…him and Chad…”

“What?” He asked me.

I felt my lip tremble trying not to think about it. How bad it had made me feel not being able to do anything but hold myself up as their fingernails had dug at my hips as their tongues had gone everywhere as Chad as pushed his fingers into me. As they had overwhelmed me so much I couldn’t even move let alone speak.

“John, you’re ok. Whatever happened you’re safe now ok?” Will said, “And don’t worry about upsetting me. I can take it ok? I promise.”

“All I could do was stand there,” I barely whispered, “I couldn’t even stop it from feeling…I didn’t…”

“I know,” Will said, “I know.”

“I hate it, I fucking hate it. I don’t know what I’m doin…” Will cut me off.

“You’re not doing anything they are. None of this is your fault just like it’s not my fault Uncle Ben wants me so badly. He… I didn’t even do anything I stepped off the plane. That’s it that’s all I did was step off the plane,” Will hissed, “Sure I didn’t say anything when I should have and I’m sorry John. I’m sorry I did that but…” Will said near tears.

“Will no, you were scared,” I said, “You were scared. I know how Da is if he was really coming into our room every night and doing that stuff you had to of been terrified and he says horrible things. One of the things he says to me most often is you do it or I’ll go get fill in the blank and they’ll do it instead. Like I’m going to let him make anyone do that? It hurts sometimes it hurts the worst when it doesn’t hurt.”

“To me, it’s scarier,” Will said looking at some point above my head, “I’m scared it means there’s something wrong with me. I know there’s not logically, I know it means there’s something wrong with them but, I don’t know.” 

He went quiet frowning. I understood what he meant. I meant it hurt because it scared me too and it made me angry. Angry that they could do that, make me feel things I didn’t want to feel. Steal my words so I couldn’t say no. So sometimes all I could do was shake and shiver under their touch as I tried to keep them from knowing what it did to me. How it made me feel.

“What did he do to you?” Will asked quietly, “You can’t keep it inside, not this.”

“I can’t,” I said starting to cry, “I can’t.”

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “Do you need help getting into the shower? You seem like you’re sore.”

I nodded my head. A shower might help and even if it didn’t it made it so there was less mess to clean up. So that I could get rid of the things I needed to to make myself safe, to make it so no one wanted me anymore. So, I could quit being a whore. Will must have seen something in my eyes when I took his hand a weird expression crossing his face as he helped me up and into the bathroom turning on the shower water for me.

“You want me to call him?” He asked me meaning Pat. Because he knew I would want to see him. Talk to him. That he was one of the only people who made me feel like I wasn’t a freak. Like I was a piece of meat or a hole to stick it in. Who made me feel like a real person.

I nodded my head and he looked at me closely. I was clutching myself as best I could feeling naked and exposed. My swimsuit still the only thing I was wearing, because it was the same thing I had left home in.

“What are those marks on your chin and collarbone?” Will asked me.

I shook my head, “N-no-nothing.”

“No, it’s something. Can you tell me what he did please? John, don’t hold it in. You’re safe now.”

“He put this thing on my neck. I couldn’t even move my head. And he hurt my arms, this weird sleeve thing…” I stopped as a sob escaped me.

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “Ok I’ll be right back.”

He left the room quickly as the sobs started to rip through my body. My sore and worn body that I didn’t want to be a part of anymore. I managed to find the strength to rummage under the sink grabbing the box cutter I had used once or twice before that was still there surprisingly, that had been there the night I had tried to kill myself the first time and I sighed climbing into the shower in my swim shorts. The water lukewarm dripping down on me.

“John, you’re back? Will said to…” James came into the bathroom his eyes going scared as he saw me clutching the open box cutter holding it against my wrists my hand shaking I was holding it so tightly, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” I said not even sure what I was doing knowing that getting send back to the hospital was the worst punishment I could think of but I couldn’t stand being me anymore. Not like this not when I had to go back there again and not when they were going to do horrible things to me over break even though I wasn’t sure what.

“I’m going to go get mum don’t do anything,” James said his eyes wide him taking off at a sprint before I could say anything to stop him, to change his mind and mum came running in a moment later almost crashing into the door frame.

“Love?” She said, “What do you have there?”

I was still holding it to my wrists and I looked at it. I needed a break. I need to sleep. I was so tired and so hurt. My whole body sore. How did I explain that?

“Love? What’s on your neck?” She asked me quietly.

I shook my head. She didn’t need to hear that. She didn’t need to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was sure of that but I needed Pat with me. I need him because he understood.

“Love, can I have that?” She said quietly reaching out to grab my arm as I jerked my body back away from her, “Ok, no touching I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“He thought it was funny,” I answered remembering how Leo had laughed and looked so pleased with how scared I was when he had put that thing on my arms pulling them tight to my back.

“Who did love? Who thought what was funny?” She asked me as I set the box cutter down on the side of the tub hearing her sigh with relief as she looked at it.

“He thought it was funny I thought he meant handcuffs when he didn’t,” I answer quietly.

“Who is he?” She asked me, “The friend you spend the weekend with?”

“Mum it’s not his friend,” Will said making her turn to look at him standing in the doorway, “He’s contracted we’ve told you that.”

“Yes, he spends the weekend with him and a friend supposedly but he still won’t give him his name,” Mum answered Will, “I want to know who it is. Do you know who it is Will?”

“Yeah, I do but, it’s not my place to say, mum,” Will said.

“Not your place to say? It’s your brother,” she said looking at me, “John what are you wearing on your arms?”

I looked down at my arms, my shoulder, and armpit area was so bruised around my shoulder socket it was black making it look like I was wearing a weird armband around each arm.

“I was going to ask him the same thing but I didn’t think that was important,” Will said as mum reached out her hand to touch me and I recoiled again.

“I’m not wearing anything,” I answered quietly.

“Yes, you are John I can see it,” Mum said and Will’s eyes went wide shaking his head.

“No that’s impossible,” Will said.

“What you know what he’s wearing?” Mum asked him.

“He’s not wearing anything mum those are bruises really dark bruises. How do your arms feel?” Will asked me.

“They hurt,” I answered him.

“Todd showed me bruises like that once he called them binder bruises did he…?” Will trailed off and I shook my head.

I wasn’t ok with talking about this not in front of mum, not right now. Mum didn’t need to know what Leo had done. She didn’t need to know anything they had done. Hell, she probably thought I deserved it after how I had laid there and told her to leave us alone when she had walked in on me with him.

“They’re on his ankles too,” Will said pointing out the black rings around my ankles where the straps had held the metal bar on me. Where they had made it so I couldn’t close my legs, so I couldn’t protect myself from them, “Hey it’s ok John.”

“Love what did they do to you?” Mum asked me as Pat appeared in the doorway.

“Holy shit,” Pat said instantly taking in my bruises knowing what they were, “Oh fuck no. Are you ok?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want talk about it with them there. With Will and Mum there. Mum couldn’t know it was Leo. Mum couldn’t know anything about it.

“Pat do you know what a binder bruise is?” Will asked frowning still looking at my arms.

“Huh,” Pat looked at Will and Mum both watching their edger faces looking at him expectantly, “I’m not…I’m not sure you need to know that.”

“I know he has them because that’s what Todd called them when I asked him about his. What’s a binder bruise?”

“Huh, I think that now is not the time for me too…” Pat was cut off by my mum.

“What are they and how did he get them?” She asked him.

“You get them when they strap you in too tight. Sort of like being shackled only usually they make it so you can’t move even a little. They call them binder bruises because it’s called an armbinder. It’s this giant sleeve thing with straps that go under your arm and around your shoulder socket to pull your arms behind your back and hold them there. If they secure the strap too tight it leaves well…I mean you’re looking at it so you should know,” Pat sighed.

“He didn’t use handcuffs and he thought it was funny,” Mum repeated what I had told her earlier looking at me, “That’s what whoever it does to you? They make it so you can't move. Why would they do that?”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Pat asked raising his eyebrows at my mum, “Why else would they do it? If you can’t move you can’t fight back. You can’t stop them. Do you need any ice for…?” He asked me and nodded my head, “Danielle can you go get some ice please?”

“Ice for what?” She asked.

“Well,” Pat said his eyes flashing like he was getting angry for me, “Have you ever been kicked so hard in the balls you’ve pissed blood? Because that’s probably what he feels like right now so I’m sure he would really enjoy some ice.”

“Do you know who did this to him?” Mum asked him.

“If he hasn’t told you I’m not going to,” Pat said.

“Leo,” I said quietly, “Mum, it’s Leo.”

“Leo is your doctor. Leo helps …” she sighed realizing how stupid she sounded, “Sweet heaven. Do we know anyone that isn’t involved in this in some way?”

“Pretty much no,” Pat said, “everyone and anyone that your husband deals with is probably in the brotherhood. So yeah I just wouldn’t trust anyone.”

“Why would they do that to him?” Mum asked him.

“Could I talk to him alone?” He asked her and Will.

She looked at him incredulously, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“Danielle, I’m keeping my clothes on, I promise. However, I don’t think he’d want to tell you.” Pat said.

“I’m not sure I feel comfortable leaving him. When I came in here he was holding a box cutter to his wrists,” Mum said and Pat frowned and swallowed hard almost like he was going to cry.

“Another reason why I should probably talk to him alone. Because whatever happened is bothering him and he needs to talk about it to someone that he trusts,” Pat said, “Please?”

“Fine, yeah,” Mum sighed, “Don’t leave him alone, you understand?”

“I understand,” Pat said as both Will and Mum left.

“They wouldn’t stop,” I answered

“Wouldn’t stop what?” He asked me quietly sitting down on the ground next to the tub the water still going still running over me the only thing keeping me from screaming, keeping me from feeling them on my skin.

“When you left Dick and Chad they…I didn’t like it. I begged them not to. To stop but they wouldn’t,” I said, “Dick told Leo and Leo said I have control issues.

That I need to work on them. That he thought he could help me with. I wasn’t sure what he meant. But he took me over to his house like he always does and he you know…and I hated it like I always do but I thought he was done for a while because usually he only does it at night.

When he woke me up he…I’m not supposed to push him away or fight back. He’s told me I can tell him no, I can scream but I’m not allowed to push him away or fight back. It scared me I was half asleep and it scared me so I sat up. I pushed him away.

That’s when Dick got there and he said that he’d fix it now. My control problems. He…Dick got some stuff from his closet. This leather thing and he put it around my arms so I couldn’t use them. It put my arms behind my back and it was tight and there were straps and it pulled my shoulders back and it hurt and it pinched and then there was this metal bar. I thought he was going to…use it on me but he strapped my ankles to it and then he put this collar on me with this poker thing on it and then they …I kept telling them no because I don’t… I don’t like it when…their mouths they…”

“Ok, ok you’re safe now. I think I understand. Rabbit you’re safe now though I promise,” Pat said reaching out his hand and I grabbed it.

“I told them no. I told them no. I begged them to stop and they…they never listen and I know it’s my fault that I should…”

“Woah hold up right there,” Pat said frowning shaking his head, “This is not your fault, not even a little bit. He had no right to do any of that to you. How long did he keep you like that?”

“All weekend,” I answered, “I begged them to let me go. I said that I’d be good but he said he had to work on my control issues. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept going. I couldn’t stop myself from…even when I begged them to stop.”

“Oh rabbit,” He said, “Oh god so it really does hurt that bad huh?”

“My whole body hurts,” I answered, “I don’t want to go back there.”

“I know,” Pat said sighing, “You’re safe now.”

“I’ll never be safe,” I said, “Not until I’m dead.”

“That’s not true,” he said, “Why did you send me away if you knew that Dick and Chad were going to hurt you?”

“Because no one could stop them,” I answered, “Leo and Da said they could. I hate it when people put their mouths there.”

“I know you do,” Pat said taking my hand and putting it against his cheek, “I know that’s why we don’t do that. Because we’ll never do anything you don’t want to do. And that’s something you don’t want to do.”

“What doesn’t he want to do?” Mum asked knocking on the door that had been left ajar.

“Stuff,” Pat answered simply standing up and grabbing the ice pack from mum.

“You two aren’t…?” Mum trailed off.

“No,” Pat sighed, “Danielle if we did those things I’m sure you would know. And doing those things if anyone just thinks we’re doing those things, they will kill us.”

“What?” She asked, “I’m assuming we’re talking sexual things yes?”

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “They don’t think we’re people Danielle, we’re toys. We’re not allowed to say no. We’re…property to them. Our bodies belong to them. So, to use our own bodies would be…not good for us.”

Mum nodded her head in understanding, “So, you’re not even supposed to kiss?”

“Right,” Pat said, “I don’t know why they pick on him so badly but they do. They kind of do things to everyone but, they do a lot to him. They like to hurt him, Danielle.”

“I know they do Patrick,” She said, “I’m going to get us out of here.”

“Going to isn’t good enough. If he’s sitting in tubs clutching box cutters and you and I both know it,” Pat said, “He means everything to me and if I must let him go for him to survive then that’s what I’ll do. Get him away.”

“There’s no way to get him out of this,” My mum said almost so quiet I couldn’t hear her, “Not right now.”

“He thinks you hate him,” Pat said, “He thinks that you would rather it’s him than anyone else.”

“I don’t hate you love,” My mum said, “I just don’t know what to do. You won’t let me help you half the time. I don’t know what he said to you that day but, that wasn’t right of you to say.”

“He was going to make you watch,” I reminded her again not able to look at her, “And I couldn’t. I couldn’t …” I trailed off, “I can’t.”

“Love it’s my job to keep you safe, to get you out of there. You don’t protect me. I protect you,” Mum said.

“He was going to make you watch mum, you’ve already seen it once and I saw the way you looked at me,” I said crying, “You hated me. You hated me and you hated yourself and you hated everything and it was all my fault you were gone. They needed you and you were gone because of me.”

“I was gone because of him and you know what? After that was all over, I realized something. I let him win when he did that. He wanted me gone and so he found a way to make sure it happened, to get me to pull back. And that won’t happen again no matter what he does. The only reason why I’m pretending right now that it’s not a big deal is because I’m working on getting us away again. But it’s a huge deal and we need to talk about that some more by the way. About your leg. About what you said the fact that you’re hurting yourself,” My mum sighed.

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” I answered, “It’s not like they don’t see it, mum.”

“I’m sure they probably see it,” she said, “But I’m not sure they’re going to worry about it the way I’m worried about it.”

“It matters very much to them what we do you realize,” Patrick said and I coughed a little.

“I didn’t mean like that. You know what I mean.” I said.

“Well, we’re not allowed to Ja…”

“Pat!” I said shaking my head, “Just don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m done talking about it in front of her.”

Pat sighed giving me a tight smile, “Yeah ok? Are you going to leave the shower anytime soon?”

“Eventually,” I answered, “Right now I’m feeling kind of attacked but I don’t want you to leave.”

“Ok,” he said, “I’ll stay here quietly then and you can talk or not talk and your mum can leave if that’s ok with her?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave,” Mum said nodding her head, “I’m sorry love. I’m just worried.”

“Worrying won’t help me. Nothing will.” I said as she walked away.

Pat sighed and swore under his breath, “I’m sorry Rabbit.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said.

“That I made you feel attacked? Yeah, it is,” Pat said hurt in his face, “I wasn’t trying to side with her or make you uncomfortable. I was trying to explain it. That’s all.”

“She doesn’t understand and she never will,” I answered, “She yelled at Will a while ago for telling her someone would have to be crazy to want to sleep with Da. Especially after what he does to us.”

“Well,” Pat said, “I agree with that statement but, that doesn’t mean he should call your mom crazy.”

“He shouldn’t have,” I agreed, “But he had a point. By the way, did you have to tell her that we’re not supposed to masturbate?”

Pat smiled lightly, “Sorry. Just if we’re not allowed to do that I don’t think we’re allowed to cut either.”

“It’s kind of hard to not want to,” I said, “Plenty of guys do other things.”

“You’re you though,” Pat said, “I love you. When you hurt you, you’re hurting me.”

I sighed. It wasn’t fair for him to put that on me. I was tired and sore and I didn’t even want to be in my body anymore. The only thing in life I did want was him.

“Are you…” Pat started to ask and then sighed grabbing the shower poof and placing it in the water before he started rubbing my chest in slow circles, “Sorry stupid question.”

“Why do you think Dick likes…” I trailed off.

“Likes what?” Pat asked.

“He likes to…” I felt my face heat up.

“Oh, he’s a sausage hound?” Pat asked, “Some of them are like that. Isn’t your Da kind of like that?”

“I guess?” I said shaking my head, “I’ve never heard that expression before.”

“Well, I’m assuming the way I used it I don’t need to explain?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head, “Some guys are. Makes life highly uncomfortable when you have to deal with them and that’s like the one thing you despise but, you know. It is what it is.”  
“You know what’s what they did right?” I asked him, “That Dick blew me and Chad…”

“Chad tossed your salad?” Pat asked, “Figures Chad would be an ass muncher.”

“Not funny,” I said smiling lightly.

“You’re feeling better now,” He said.

“Only because you keep rubbing my chest like that,” I answered the loofa moving to my arm.

“If I thought it would make you feel better I’d take off my clothes and climb into your lap. But, your mum isn’t that far away and I’m not sure it would help,” Pat teased.

“The idea is honestly causing me horrible emotional conflict,” I said laughing.

“Oh, so I do turn you on?” He asked smiling.

“The thought of that? Of being in control of…you know? With you yes,” I said nodding my head.

“Well, I’m glad I can make you feel better,” Pat said.

“Thank you,” I said, “It’s hard, being there on the weekends.”

“I know,” Pat said his smiling falling, “I get it. You have no idea how much I miss you when I can’t see you. How scared I am.”

I reached out and grabbed the back of his neck pressing his forehead to mine hearing his breath catch in excitement and surprise, “No I know.” I whispered into his ear, “I promise.”

I kissed him. His mouth tasting warm, tasting like him as he let me roll my tongue across the back of his upper teeth brushing the roof of his mouth. He felt so good, tasted so good.

His kisses taking any kisses they had forced me to relent to them and making them disappear. God, I wanted him. I wanted to feel him, his hands on my skin as I pulled on the back of his shirt pulling him into the tub with me pulling his shirt off and throwing it on the floor of the bathroom already soaked through.

“I missed you so fucking much,” he muttered kissing my forehead as I bit lightly into his neck him throwing his head back and almost moaning his hands on my shoulders as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

God, he felt amazing and warm and he tasted good and he felt good until I started to get hard a stinging feeling starting to stir down below.

“OH fuck,” I hissed causing him to try and get up.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“I think I got too excited,” I gasped, “Fuck that hurts.”

“Yeah, too much oral can… it burns,” he told me and I nodded my head.

“At least the pain killed it,” I said.

He laughed covering his mouth, “Sorry it’s probably for the best though.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, “Do you think that they’ll leave me alone?”

“I don’t know. We can hope?” Pat asked looking at me his hand trailing along my chest stopping at the little circles on my collarbone, “Did they really put you in an armbinder and stuff?”

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “It hurt. They even put a rope through this loop on the back of my shoulders and hung me from the ceiling while they…took turns,” I sighed deeply continuing, “At one-point, Dick said he would ask Leo to let me out if I …if he could…not that I could stop him anyway. And then he didn’t let me out. From Saturday morning until an hour or two before Leo let me come home.”

“I think I would vomit and pass out with Dick …I’m sorry,” Pat said.

“He asked me why I don’t like him. Why I don’t want to be with him. Why I’m so mean. At the Villa last time, he…” I stopped thinking about if I should tell him, if I should confide that in him because he might be mad at Dom for it but I took the plunge and went with it, “He wanted Dom and me to do things. I told him no and so did Dom and so he said that they were going to double me if Dom didn’t. Dom tried but I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t …and so Dick went for it and Chad he told me no one would want me because I’m…that I should just let it happen and enjoy it.”

“That’s why you were crying when I walked in the room?” Pat asked me frowning, “I mean I knew they were trying to do something to you but, I didn’t know it was that. Was Dom ok?”

“He felt bad but yeah he was ok. He wanted to tell you but, I don’t know,” I said.

Pat sighed, “I realize you and Dom have your secrets ok? I don’t know if your Dad has made you …”

I cut Pat off, “No, never. I’m not even sure Da really knows that much about Lou. I know Lou and Hank have talked and that Lou and Leo are friends but otherwise I’m not sure how much who has spoken with whom.”

“You know I wouldn’t be mad if you had?” Pat said, “It’s not like you would have wanted to. So, Dick really has a thing for your Dick?” Pat asked me and nodded my head.

“I think so if he was willing to suck it in a room full of people,” I answered.

“You know what Chad said isn’t true right?” Pat said, “I want you. I’ll always want you no matter what. Because you are anything but a whore. Ok?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said rolling my eyes dismissively.

“No,” he said running his hand through the wet hair on the back of my head, “I mean it. I’ll always want you and you are anything but a whore. Whore’s do it because they like it. Whores do it because they want to. You don’t want that. I know you don’t want that. People who want that don’t try to kill themselves over it. They don’t slit their wrists when they find out their Dad has given them to someone so that person can do whatever they want, ok?”

I nodded my head. Of course, he had a point. Leo had been the reason I tried to kill myself but then he had made sure he was the reason I left the hospital. Leo was a predominant player in my life no matter what a did and his son was becoming one as well with increasing speed and importance.

“This water is freezing,” Pat said suddenly, “And as much as I love you I don’t think your kisses are going to warm me up enough to keep me from catching hypothermia. So, do you think we could both…?”

“Yeah, we probably should. It’s just hard to move,” I said, “They put this bar on my ankles. I told you that, right? I kept trying to pull my knees in so I could…protect myself and the bar kept my ankles too far apart it made my legs cramp. It didn’t stop me from trying though.”

“It was impulse. You didn’t want to and your body was trying to figure out a way to stop it from happening,” Pat said standing up offering me his hand which I took.

“You don’t think I’m gross because they…?” I asked.

“No! Never!” Pat said, “Not ever ok? If I thought you were gross I’d have to think I was gross and you know I think I’m hot stuff.”

I nodded my head as he pulled off his soaked clothes leaving them in the tub and turned off the water grabbing a towel for himself and then one for me as I slid my wet trunks off leaving them in the shower too.

“God, it looks like it hurts. Your whole body, I mean,” Pat sighed.

“It does,” I answered.

“Do you have some sweats or something I can borrow to go get you some new ice just in case this one is melted?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I asked to call you. When I was at Leo’s and he said no. He said that if it were up to him I wouldn’t be hanging out with you at all. This summer is going to suck.”

“Why? Isn’t your contract up in March?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah but Da has basically already promised him he’ll resign. He said he was going to see if my Da would agree to one week at his house and then the next week home. So, every other week I’d be his. I don’t get why. All he lets me do over there is watch TV in a pair of sweatpants and…you know.”

“Just means we’ll be making the most of the weeks you’re at home, ok?” He said and I nodded my head as he helped me into bed and pulled the covers up around my chin, “Bottom drawer for sweats, right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as he opened the drawer and pulled out a pair sliding them on looking back at me, “I love you. I’ll be back in a second ok?”

“Ok,” I said trying to settle in as he shut the door quietly.

It was only a second or two before the door opened again and I heard a sigh. I knew who it was surprised that he had come back at all. I figured he would want to avoid my room because mum would be coming back to check on me and mum and Will hadn’t been getting along lately.

“Are you doing any better?” Will asked me.

“A little yeah,” I answered, “I have a question.”

“Sure, what is it?” He asked me.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were contracted?” I asked getting to the point, “I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one why didn’t you…?”

“Because, you already had enough to worry about let alone who was bothering me,” Will said, “When we came here Da wouldn’t even let you wear clothes, John. You think I was going to put that on your shoulders too? That Uncle Ben he…I’m sorry I didn’t say anything but I felt like this whole thing was partly my fault. Especially when we first got here.”

“Is that why they don’t make videos of you and stuff? Because Uncle Ben doesn’t want them to?” I asked him.

“I think so,” Will said, “Uncle Ben doesn’t like sharing me. He’s made it very clear he’s not into sharing unless he’s told he has to.”

“Is he the same with you as he is with everyone else?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t think so,” Will answered, “I try to…just let it happen though. It hurts a little at first every time. He doesn’t like waiting like Da does when he…but anyway. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve never been fine Will. I just was too busy to see it, and I’m sorry,” I said.

“I’m not hurting myself. I’m not drinking, I’m just me,” Will said.

“You throw yourself into everything else though. I mean you spend all your time with the babies even though Alice and Debbie are here and mum is back,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, it keeps me from feeling sorry for myself and allows me to keep track of who has contact with them. I won’t let them have those kids. Not ever and I know if you weren’t being raped to death slowly you would be doing the same thing. You try to stop them every chance you get. Hank is still visiting on the weekends. Debbie says he gives her the creeps so she won’t leave the room when he’s here. I’ve heard him call Mac things like Da says “special boy” and “you smell good.” Things that seem to not matter but are really bad,” Will said his voice cracking, “I don’t know how to stop it from happening.”

“Will it’s not…” He cut me off.

“It is. This is all they are ever going to know and it’s my fault. I brought us here John. It’s my fault. At least you and I have a before, they never will. James won’t even remember the before and they won’t have it at all.” My little brother said breaking down, “And here you are and you’re not even here because some freak can’t leave you alone and he treats you like his pet and Da lets him. Da wants him to.”

“Oh Will, come here,” I said opening my arms for him as he crawled into bed with me just like he did whenever he had a nightmare and we were home for weekend rest at boarding school, “It’s ok. You didn’t do this. I promise. You say all the time it’s not my fault and that you logically know it’s not yours either. Where is this coming from?”

“I know logically it’s not but I feel like it is,” he sniffled into my armpit.

“It’s not. I promise and I’ll be ok eventually. I promise. I feel like things are getting better,” I lied.

“No, they’re not,” Will said looking up at me touching my shoulder socket that was still a dark purple almost black where the straps had bitten into my skin, “This isn’t better. This is worse.”

“It won’t happen again. I won’t make that mistake again,” I said.

I knew it was a lie. I knew it was something that I couldn’t control. Something that if Leo wanted to do again he would and I wouldn’t be able to stop him but Will didn’t need to know that. I sighed thinking about my party, remembering it. Remembering Uncle Ben being close to Wallace, to Da and I frowned.

“Does it hurt bad?” He asked me.

“No,” I sighed, “Will I…,” I ended up pausing not sure how I wanted to word it, not sure I wanted to know the answer but I felt like I had to know. I had to know whether Wallace had kept his word to me or not, whether I had been able to spare my little brother at least that, “What happened at my party? After I couldn’t be there anymore.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Will asked me.

“When they pulled me away Wallace was walking towards you,” I said, “If Uncle Ben is your contract holder …what did he do?”

“Nothing serious. I was ok,” Will answered his face looking pale.

“Tell me,” I said, “I told you some things.”

“He felt me up ok?” Will said, “I went to the bathroom to get away and Uncle Ben pushed Wallace in before I could get the door closed. He kept trying to get me to kiss him and I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t. he stuck his hand down my trousers ok? He touched me and he made me touch him. I didn’t want to.”

I swore under my breath, “That doesn’t sound like you were ok.”

“Well I’m fine now,” he said not able to look me in the eyes as he said it, “It probably won’t happen again.”

“It better not,” I said, “If he does you let me know ok? I’ll take care of it.”

“How? You can’t even keep Dick off you, how are you going to keep Wal away from me?” Will asked me.

“I’ll find away ok,” I told him, “Everything will be ok.”

“Does it feel worse for you? Being someone closer to your age?” Will asked me.

I nodded my head. I hated the fact it was Dick. That Dick was like Da in the idea that he had feelings for me. Feelings I couldn’t return that I would never return. Will knew what that felt like. He found it all around him too.

“Does he…,” Will trailed off, “Never mind.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“It’s a question you won’t like,” Will said simply.

“Just ask before I change my mind and decide not to answer it,” I said.

“Wal the first thing he said to me when he showed interest he asked if he could…suck me. Is that something that Dick asks?” He finished.

“He doesn’t…ask he just…just do-do-deses i-i-i-it,” I said feeling light headed and sick to my stomach the words feeling heavy as the back of neck started to prickle as I started to feel him. Started to feel his hands on the back of my thighs. His lips and tongue on my butt and other parts of me making it hard to breathe, making me want to scream.

“John, he’s not here right now you’re safe,” Will said.

“W-w-w-wh-wh-wh-why?” I asked him starting to shake my breath getting caught in my chest as Will pulled away.

“I’m sorry ok? I was just wondering if it was a Wal thing or something they all did. I’m sorry,” Will said again getting up, “I didn’t mean to I’m sorry.”

That’s when I realized how badly I was shaking. My hands shaking horribly as Pat opened the bedroom door ice pack in his hand, “Here,” Pat said handing it to me noticing how bad my hands were shaking as well, “Is everything ok?”

“I asked him a question I shouldn’t have and he just…he won’t stop shaking now,” Will said his eyes wide, terrified.

“Hey, rabbit, hey look at me. No, not Will, me. Look at me.” He touched my cheek gently, “You’re ok, all right. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I-I-I,” I couldn’t speak my whole-body trembling as I sob ripped through me.

“Ok,” Pat said, “Shhh…. Shhh, you’re safe. I promise you’re safe. Close your eyes ok, listen to my voice. It’s me it’s Pat and you’re here with me and you’re safe. That’s it…safe that’s right you’re safe.” He whispered quietly into my hair pulling my body into his lap rocking with me.

I knew what this was. My brain fogging over feeling like I was being pushed under water. It was a flashback. It was remembering, feeling Dick’s hands and mouth on me, feeling like I couldn’t move because of those stupid arm restraints. It was my brain chipping off a piece of the barrier I had worked to put up allowing a bit of the nightmare to escape through into real life. The only thing holding me to reality Pat’s voice and the rocking he was doing. Him holding me in his lap as he ran his fingers slowly through my hair trying to choose his words carefully, trying to keep me grounded.

I started crying burying my head in his lap and he cooed hushed me. His hands still running through my hair as he began to sing softly to me, “Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life  
Trying to make ends meet  
You're a slave to money then you die  
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down  
You know the one that takes you to the place  
Where all the veins meet, yeah….”

He sang to the whole song and by the time he was finished my breathing had evened out and my crying had mostly stopped and I felt his lips on my forehead, “You’re safe, I promise.” I nodded my head in response not daring to open my eyes.

“Is he ok?” I heard mum’s voice.

“Yeah,” Pat said quietly, “Yeah, he’s ok, we’re ok.”

“Another panic like he’s had before?” She asked him.

“Yeah,” he answered.

“Does he need his pills?” She asked him.

“No, we’re all right,” Pat said, “I know it’s getting late but is it ok if…”

“Yes, you can stay a bit longer,” she answered.

“Go make sure Will’s ok. I think he triggered it and he feels upset. Tell him it’s not his fault,” Pat told her.

“I’ll make sure he knows. He knows his brother loves him no matter what,” she said.

“Just tell him please,” Pat said and I heard her steps recede down the hallway, “I’m so sorry Rabbit.”

“It’s not you,” I managed to hiccup.

“I know,” Pat sighed, “That doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry. They do horrible things to you and then you have to relive what they do over and over. It’s not fair.”

“I’m just tired babe,” I answered quietly, “I’m just tired.”

“I know,” he said kissing my forehead, “Just close your eyes I’m right here. You’re safe.”

I closed my eyes and managed to fall asleep not moving until I felt him move slowly placing my head back down on my pillows before he got up stretching. I didn’t want him to leave. I felt safe with him, loved with him. My body still so sore I didn’t feel like I could move to go after him.

“Pat,” I said quietly getting his attention as he turned to look at me.

“Hey, how are you feeling handsome?” He said smiling softly at me, cupping my cheek.

“Don’t leave,” I replied.

“It’s 11. I have to go home. I would stay but I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’m probably already in trouble.” He chuckled a little at the thought, “it’s ok though. It was worth it just spend some time with you. Make sure you’re ok.”

“I don’t want you to go,” I whimpered lightly, “They’re going to do it again.”

“What?” He asked me frowning.

“Tie me up like that and make me…” I trailed off.

“I’m sorry Rabbit,” he said again.

“I know I just don’t know what to do about it,” I answered, “Them I mean. He said it was because I pushed him away but I think it was because he wanted to.”

“They do everything just because they want to,” Pat answered, “I have to go. I’m supposed to…with Gus tomorrow. Huh, I’ll try and come see you. I’ll let you know, ok?”

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” He replied, “I’ll see you later ok? Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I said as he quietly slipped out of my room shutting the door behind him.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wakes up to find out that Christmas will not be spent with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 1083 to 1100. I have a couple of warnings. This part of John's POV only has 1147 pages. So that means in a chapter or two you will be done having John updates for a little bit because I'm still working on catching Will up. Right now in Will's part 2, they are getting ready to start school. John is hospitalized obviously. He starts school a week late because he's at wood Haven and Dom starts back to school a day or two after he does. That means it's mid-August in Will's story where this is now Christmas and goes to the first week of January before it switches to part 3. That means I still have five months of writing to catch everyone up on for Will's part before the time lines match back up and as you can guess from this chapter a lot of things happen in those five months. **warnings: Forced raped, forced oral, forced drug use, Rape/non-con, mentions of physical violence, physical abuse, mental health issues, anxiety, Suicidal thoughts**

I had trouble sleeping that night without him. I didn’t want to think about them. I needed him in order to do that and I ended up sleeping for 20 or 30 minutes at a time having to get up and stretch my beyond sore body just so I didn’t feel their hands on my skin anymore. Just so I could lay down only to fall asleep for a short amount of time before I woke back up again.

That Christmas is a blur and I know that Pat and I talked on the phone. That he told me he missed me and wished he could see me on Christmas but, it ended up not happening. I figured I’d be spending Christmas at home but I heard the blow out as Da and mum fought about it. How it was important that I have routine and stability. In the end I went upstairs to play with the kids figuring mum probably wouldn’t win. That I would be going back to him. Back to him and Dick where I wouldn’t get a real Christmas. Where he would probably just rape me, and tell me that was my present.

After another half hour mum came up and told Alice to leave the nursey where I was playing with Mac and Mary and Seamus on the floor. Mostly just rolling a ball back and forth with Mac and talking to him as he asked me little questions and laughed.  
“Mama,” he said running up to her and hugging her, “Sad mama?”

“Mum is tired wee one,” She said kissing his head, “That’s all.”

“So?” I asked no bothering to for small talk wanting to know what the answer was.

“He said he doesn’t know why you think Leo hurts you. He said Leo is your doctor and he helps you deal with your psychological issues when he takes you for the weekend. That Rich is a good friend that helps you. I can’t get him to change his mind,” she said smiling at Mac not able to look me in the face.

“So…” I sighed heavily, “That’s it then?”

“I’m sorry love,” she said moving forward to hug me.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I shouted scaring all of us, “Just…”

“You’re not going to hurt yourself, are you?” She asked me.

I shook my head, “He’d see it so…that would just earn more punishments. It’s not worth it.”

“I still don’t know what he did to you love,” she said quietly.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.

“It does to me,” she answered quietly.

“I’m not…no,” I said, “Mum you don’t get it. You can’t.”

“Get what?” She asked, “Get the fact that they use you? That they make you do things you don’t want? I get that. I do.”

“No mum it’s…” I felt my cheeks flush as I finally thought of telling her what he said all the time. About how I was his. How my body was his but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell her that. I didn’t want her to know that.

“It’s what love?” She asked me.

“They do bad things mum,” I said.

“I just wish you would tell me what you mean by bad,” she sighed, “There isn’t anything I can do. He’ll be here shortly. We’ll celebrate Christmas when you come home, ok?”

I nodded my head and kissed everyone good bye leaving Will’s room for last. When I went in he was sleeping on his stomach, his eyes closed. He looked beyond tired and I figured it was probably Da that had done something because Da hadn’t come to see me at all that week and so he usually handled him when that was happening. I sat down on the foot of his bed.

“Will,” I said quietly.

“Hmm?” He moaned without opening his eyes.

“I have to go soon. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas,” I said.

At that, his eyes snapped open, “What?”

“Over to Leo’s,” I answered in barely a whisper.

“No, Da can’t do that, can he? What about mum? Isn’t mum stopping him?” Will asked.

“No,” I shook my head, “No she huh, she said she can’t do anything.”

“Well, looks like we’re both fucked, literally, this holiday,” Will groaned.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“Uncle Ben is here so…” Will shrugged his shoulders.

“Would he really?” I asked him.

“Yeah, he does,” Will said shrugging his shoulders, “When mum is here I don’t have to spend the night with him really but, if Da tells me to come and I don’t I get in trouble. When he gets mad he’s…”

“Like Leo?” I asked.

Will sighed shifting slightly lifting his shirt a little and I saw the patterns whipped into his back on top of white scars that were fading, some of them with words etched into his skin. The letter M several times.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I asked him.

“Because it’s not like anyone can do anything. Da won’t do anything. If it doesn’t really bleed and it’s not too deep he doesn’t care,” Will answered.

“Is this why you always have a shirt on and I never see your back?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he answered, “I thought you would have figured it out. I mean that’s why you’re always wearing a shirt. Because of all your scars. I mean I can tell where yours came from. You just happen to walk in on me in the shower less I guess? But I don’t get time to shower during the day usually. Not with the twins and the babies with mum being here and all of that.”

“Does he come up at night?” I asked him.

“If he does it’s not to see me usually I deal with Da at night. Ben, it’s once or twice a day. Sometimes it’s not even sex sex he just wants…” Will blushed slightly burying his face in his pillow and screaming lightly.

“I get I., I hate that too,” I said, “That’s Leo’s big thing he always…” I shivered.

“I’ve heard rumors from people, Todd mostly that Dick is called Dick for a reason,” Will said.

“If I would have known that’s what they meant I probably would have tried harder to make sure I didn’t grab the attention of different people,” I said.

“Da did that for you. You didn’t grab anyone’s attention. He threw you out there like a fucking one of a kind painting,” Will said.

“Yeah well, apparently I’m very…” Will snorted.

“Yeah, it’s apparently genetic,” Will said, “I mean haven’t you noticed? It’s not like yours obviously but…”

“They haven’t made me get that close to yours,” I answered.

“Has Uncle Ben shared you?” I asked him.

Will’s face turned red and he shook his head. I could tell he was lying the way his face flushed. The way he couldn’t look at me directly. I didn’t want to force him to tell me something he wasn’t ready so I nodded my head in understanding.

“Well, I have to go,” I said standing up, “Have a good Christmas. I love you.”

“Thanks, I love you too,” I replied leaving and shutting the door behind me.

I went downstairs and Leo was already down there with Dick and my Da. They all smiled at me. Dick draped his arm over my shoulder looking at me, smiling. I felt like my whole body just froze remembering the last time I had seen him. How I had felt his hands on my back, on my skin.

“…So he was good while he was home with you?” Leo asked looking at me.

“He mostly kept to himself this week, yeah. Probably played with the kids a little bit but otherwise he’s fine,” Da answered.

Dick’s hand snaked from my shoulder down to my ass. I gasped in surprise causing Da to smile, “That was a cute little sound.”

“He makes lots of sounds for us, doesn’t he Rich?” Leo said smiling.

Dick bit his bottom lip looking at me playfully and nodded his head, “Mhm he does. Dad you should have heard the whimpers he let last week while you were in your office, “please Rich, please just let me out…” And then the small gasps and moans as I put my tongue right…” he squeezed my ass again, “here.”

“That sounds nice,” Da said, “I wish I could have seen that. Did it feel good baby?”

I swallowed and looked at him wide-eyed. Of course, it hadn’t felt good. By the time Rich had finished doing all the stuff he wanted to without Leo my arms had gone numb everywhere but under the armpits where the belt on the straps was pinching me and biting into my skin. 

How could anyone be disillusioned enough to think that had felt good or been in enjoyable? And now I had to spend Christmas with these crazy people. This wasn’t something I wanted. I didn’t want Dick touching me at all.

Dick grabbed my face by the chin with his other arm reaching across himself and me to grab my face pulling it towards him roughly, “I missed you,” he said looking at me.

The cold threatening look in his eyes making me nervous, making me shiver. I swallowed trying to look away trying to allow my gaze to go anywhere else but his face and those wide-eyed dark grey orbs that were staring at me like I was a piece of meat.  
“I think Rich might have a little crush on my boy,” Da said laughing lightly.

“A little? It’s a pretty big one actually,” Leo said, “Rich likes well, what everyone seems to like about him.”

“Oh,” Da said, “Rich is that way? I didn’t think he would be for some reason.”

“Well, he does date girls his own age. But John here, he’s naturally blessed. Anyone would be lucky to get on their knees and take that into their mouth,” Leo said looking at me.

“Speaking of can I…?” Dick started to ask making me stiffen.

“Well Rich,” My Da said, “I would love to see that right here right now but, Dani might walk down here. So, it’s best you don’t. You could give him a kiss though.”

Before I could protest he had pushed me backwards into the wall moving in front of me his mouth on my neck. I didn’t want this. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want my Da watching this. 

Watching this and letting it happen without saying anything. My face turning red as my body responded. Him grinding against his lips on my skin as all I could do was stand there or else risk getting myself into trouble. Risk getting put back in those restraints again that I had been a victim of the week before.

“You taste so fucking good,” Dick muttered kissing me. Biting into my neck roughly making me jump.

“I think someone likes it,” Leo said and Da nodded his head. I looked at them, pleading with my eyes. Asking them to tell him to stop, that he was starting to go too far.

“Ok,” Da said suddenly as Dick shoved his tongue into my mouth and it took every cell in my body not to push him off me. Not to fight back and try to kick him or scratch at him. Da laughed lightly before insisting again, “Ok Rich that’s enough. I think the rest should wait.”

“Yes sir,” Dick answered him breaking the kiss staring into my eyes, “His eyes are so big right now.”

“He does that when he gets nervous,” Leo said and Da nodded his head in agreement.

“Yeah, he freezes up a lot, doesn’t he?” Da asked him.

“Not as often as he once did but, we’re working on that. Aren’t we baby?” Leo asked him.

It felt weird. Listening to them talk about me and to me like I didn’t matter. Like maybe I was five and didn’t understand or perhaps I was a dog they were trying to train to behave a certain way. I wanted to tell them that I wasn’t a dog. That I wasn’t what they thought of me.

“I wish he would be a little more receptive with me sometimes,” Da said looking at Leo, “Is he receptive to you?”

“Well, yes he can be. Usually, I find letting them tell me what they want and don’t want helps them relax a little bit more. Gets the tongue loose. They can’t always control what sound comes out when that happens. 

He makes the best sounds sometimes. Sort of like that one video you showed me where you said he was drunk. Really if you just let them say anything they want they will make the most beautiful sounds,” Leo said making me shiver slightly.

“It’s ok it’s a good thing,” Dick muttered into my ear, “I know I love your sounds.”

I remember my eyes feeling like they couldn’t go any wider in shock. Really? That was ok to say? That was something that he felt was ok to tell me when he knew I had no sexual interest in him at all?

“We should get together so you can show me sometime. I didn’t think he’d ever make those sounds sober,” Da said looking at me.

“I can film it for you,” Leo commented, “I’m sure there are plenty of people who wouldn’t mind seeing them together.”

“How much have they been doing together?” Da asked suddenly referring to Rich and me.

“Not too much. You know me. The way I play with him if he was doing it often the poor boy would get worn out,” Leo said.

“Really you go at him that much?” He asked Leo.

“Well, I love him, Connor. He really is a perfect fit for me. He’s beautiful, docile, he mostly listens, he doesn’t usually push away. Rich and he engage in some other activities but Rich enjoys that more don’t you Rich?” Leo replied.

Rich nodded his head smiling, “He tastes good. Like I thought pussy was nice but him he’s…” Rich chuckled lightly, “He’s really sweet somehow. It’s amazing. It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“Yeah, he is. I’ve noticed that. Hank tells me we should bottle and sell it but, I think that would take too much work. That and if I keep him exclusive it makes him more…desired,” Da said.

“Well, I have gotten some correspondence but nothing I’ve felt was serious enough to come to you with of course,” Leo said, “People keep requesting more footage but, I figured we’d lay off for a while. That way more people will be interested in purchasing the birthday celebration.”

“What?” I asked quietly.

“Well, after the new year we’re taking you to Ibiza. We’re going to have some fun. I mean we’re still working out details which, Leo have you gotten any more offers that look promising?” Da asked.

“One or two, and how many do we have lined up that are actually good for it?” Leo asked my Da.

“Nine including so far,” Da answered, “So let me know if anything good comes up because we need that number.”

“I’ll let you know. Has there been any problems with Danielle?” Leo asked Da.

“She’s upset he won’t be home on the holiday itself but, otherwise things seem fine. She seems to have accepted that we’re not harmful. At least mostly…” Da said.

They talked about drugging her. How her medication she was taking was meant to keep her tired and seemed to be working. Meant to confuse her which explained some of her mood swings and how she either was worried about me or didn’t seem to care depending on the day.

“You’re not going to say anything about this are you, John? It will just upset mum which means more pills,” Da said.

I felt it was more of a warning than an actual question. More of an if you want your brothers and sisters to keep being somewhat ok you’ll keep your mouth shut and I nodded my head.

I didn’t want mum to be drugged. Especially not anymore then she apparently already was. It explained why she forgot things often, said things that she later said she was sorry for and then said them again. If I wanted mum to be able to support them and take care of them I had to be quiet and wasn’t allowed to say anything.

“So, are you interested? I mean it won’t be like the kind Tony makes of course but, I can film it. The three of us,” Leo said and Da smiled.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Yeah, I’d really love to see that. I mean maybe I’ll learn something. However, I’m afraid if I let him say no in the bedroom he’ll say no to everything. And I can’t have that.”

“I don’t think so because even if he says no he does it anyway,” Leo said, “Well anyway you can try it. Are we ready to go boys?”

He turned to us, his eyes getting that look in them like he was imagining what I looked like under my clothes. Like undressing me with his eyes. Dick grabbed the back of my neck pressing his thumb and index finger into my neck like he was trying to give me a small neck message as he opened the door forcing me forward with his hand and to the car.

I sighed. And I had thought last Christmas sucked. At least I had been home last year. At least Leo hadn’t been there. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to get into the front seat or the back seat so I stood there by the car door and Dick looked at me closely.

“What?” I snapped.

“Don’t get mad at me. I didn’t do this. If you weren’t so fucking hot maybe everyone would be able to keep it in their pants,” Dick commented.

“I didn’t do anything,” I said frowning at him, “I can’t help what I look like.”

“You’d be surprised how much you actually can,” Dick said, “Maybe instead of not eating you should try eating too much. I did that for a while. And then I started working out. That was two years ago. Hardly anyone has messed with me since.”

“Yet you want to mess with me?” I asked him.

“Well, if I wasn’t messing with someone they would make me do a contract and I’m not down with that shit,” Dick answered.

“So that’s the only reason you’re doing this to me? Because you don’t want them touching you?”

“You really taste that fucking good,” he answered, “Do you know what your brothers taste like?”

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“But you’ve fucked the one. You haven’t sucked him?” Dick asked me and I shook my head. They hadn’t made me do that yet. Just have sex.

“Fucked yes, sucked, no,” I answered.

“I’d like to see that, some 69 between you two,” Dick said, “Even though I’d enjoy doing some 69 with you.”

“Why?” I asked him folding my arms over my chest.

“I told you, you’re fucking hot. You taste so fucking good. You feel good. I mean you’re perfect. You're fucking perfect,” Dick said, “Oh come on baby, don’t be like that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean if you think about it if you’re attractive enough the only time you have to really be with anyone you’re not contracted to is the Villa. Even though your Dad is fond of those parties so that’s not totally true for you. But if you just put out, catch a contract it’s not a big deal taking it a little.”

“I’m not contracted to you,” I said.

“No, you could be though. If you wanted after I’m 19 and I make my official announcement of intent. That is if my Da will give you up. That’s in two years so you’ll be 16. You’ll be old enough I could have you if you wanted.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t understand how you can do this.” I said swallowing trying to get rid of the dryness in my throat looking him straight in the eyes, “How can you do this me when you know how bad it feels?”

“Well,” Rich smiled a mean smile. A smile that was cold and didn’t reach his eyes “As much as it hurts to get it, it feels even better to give it if you get my meaning. I mean I still like getting it sometimes but that’s a different issue altogether. Having someone stroke my prostate. You want me to stroke yours?”

I shook my head as his hands went to my hips squeezing making me feel frozen. I didn’t want his hands on me. I closed my eyes trying to keep myself from crying but he knew I was getting ready to cry as he rubbed his groin against mine kissing my neck as I stood there limply not sure what to do knowing if I pushed him away I would be put back in those weird things the moment I walked in the door.

“Don’t cry, baby. I’ll make it feel good. Or how about my Dad does? How about we suck and fuck you until you’re a puddle of goo for Christmas? Does that sound good?”

“No,” I said quietly shaking my head.

“It might be fun. I know I’d enjoy it,” Dick said.

By that point, I was shaking. I didn’t want to do that. I hated this. That they had the right to take me away on Christmas from my family in order to make me engage in sexual acts with them. I didn’t want to have sex with them. I knew it didn’t matter what I wanted but it still hurt knowing they were going to make me do it.

“We can have some fun with it. If you’re good he won’t put you back in the binder or the spreader. Even though the spreader was fun for me. Having direct uninhibited access that was fun,” Dick said as Leo came outside.

“Don’t do that in the driveway Rich. He usually looks terrified and anyone could drive by and see what you’re doing,” Leo commented, “You can sit up front, ok John?”

I nodded my head and opened the car door and climbed into the front seat on shaky legs doing up my seat belt. I took several deep breaths trying to calm myself down prepare myself for the hand that was about to be on my leg or crotch because that’s what usually happened. Sure, enough he put his hand on the inside of my knee. I tensed as I tried to go away in my head, to numb myself out so I could do this. So, I could live with myself when they were done with me.

At every light, he kissed my neck and my ears his hand going up and down my leg on the way there. I don’t remember looking at anything. Not at him or the road. I tried my best to tune everything out, trying to find somewhere I wouldn’t want to hurt myself and finding that place wasn’t there.

I remember climbing the stairs halfway before Leo decided I was going too slowly and he picked me up bridal style as Dick held the door open for us and Leo set me down on my feet. He didn’t even have to ask me I just stripped off my clothes to my underwear.

“Good boy baby,” Leo said kissing on me. Kissing my collar bone with enough force to push me back into the wall causing Rich to laugh, “Don’t mind him. He’s just excited to see you too.”

He put his hand into the fly of my boxer briefs touching me, fondling me. I closed my eyes and started praying that he would change his mind. That he would stop because he cared about me. I felt a second pair of hands join his on my right side on, my shoulder. Dick’s lips brushing the dark ring of a bruise that hugged my shoulder socket and armpit sending a jolt of pain through my arm.

I started trembling. I wanted to push them away especially Dick. I hated him. I hated that he talked about me like I was a thing. That he admitted he wanted to make me feel bad because making me feel bad made him feel good. I started crying.

“What’s wrong baby?” Leo asked me, “It’s ok you know that, right?”

“I don’t want to,” I said Leo taking his hand off my dick and hugging me, “Please Leo, I don’t want to.”

“It’s ok baby,” Leo said, “Just let us love you ok? 

“Please?” I begged even quieter.

There wasn’t anything else I could do. There was nothing I could say to make them stop. To have them change their minds. This wasn’t my idea of a Christmas at all. This was a nightmare just like every other weekend.

“You know what? How about you get him a drink, Rich?” Leo said and Rich nodded his head walking away leaving me standing there with Leo, “You just need to chill, ok?”

Leo lead me over to the sofa and had me sit down, “Now tell me what’s going on? Why are you so upset?”

“I don’t want to do it,” I said hugging myself, “I don’t want to have sex. Not right now. I want to go home.”

“We are home baby,” Leo said softly putting his hand my knee. 

This caused me to tense up in fear. I really didn’t want to do any of that. I was tired. I was tired of my body being used to the point where I felt like I couldn’t move every weekend. Even with those thoughts running through my brain I tried to stay aware of how tense my body got. That way Leo didn’t think I was going to pull away, didn’t find a reason to punish me and put me back in restraints or sound me. 

“That’s not what I meant,” I said quietly.

“Baby, when you’re with me this is our home, ok? I love you and I want to be with you. You just need to relax. Are you scared because of what happened last time? Because if that’s the case all you have to do is be good. Just be good for me, ok?” Leo said.  
I nodded my head not wanting to say anything that would make him angry. So, this was it then? This was my Christmas. If I was lucky I wouldn’t get tied down and if I was unlucky I wouldn’t be able to do anything but cry as they raped me.

Dick came back with a drink in hand and I downed in all in one swallow without even thinking. The sting hitting my throat as I realized it had been rum and I coughed a sputtered. He had given me alcohol again for the second time since I had come back from Montana and I wasn’t sure how to react to it but I figured it would mellow me out if I allowed it to which I felt was the only choice I had.

“So, what do we now?” Dick asked looking at Leo.

“Well, we’re going to turn on the TV and just try to calm down aren’t we baby?” Leo asked me and I nodded my head and he turned on the TV, “Rich stay with him and I’ll be back shortly.”

“Ok Dad,” Dick said sitting down beside me as he handed me the remote from the coffee table giving me the chance to channel surf.

I ended up finding a Christmas story and leaving it there. It was the first time I had seen the film. It was just starting the time being around 4 pm in the afternoon on Christmas eve. I thought it was funny and thought it was calming me down until I started to feel dizzy around the time Ralphie’s friend Flick got his tongue stuck to the flagpole at recess. That’s when I knew something was wrong. Something didn’t feel right. This wasn’t normal.

I felt almost drunk. My head feeling that light fuzzy dizzy that made you tired, made your whole body relax just enough but, I knew I wasn’t drunk. I wouldn’t have been drunk that fast and I knew it being a former alcoholic. I felt like my body started swaying slightly and I closed my eyes taking a deep breath as I rubbed my temples with my fingers.

“You ok baby?” Dick muttered coming close to me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder pulling me to him.

“Wha…?” I started to try and ask my whole body just feeling heavy as he started kissing on my ear.

“Back,” Leo said coming into the room, “See told you, you just needed to relax.” He commented smiling taking the remote and turning off the TV.

I knew something was wrong. That something didn’t make sense. I shook my head as Leo pulled me to my feet. I took one step and staggered a little tripping over my own feet causing Leo and Dick to laugh.

“I guess it might have worked a little too well?” Dick asked Leo.

I couldn’t figure out what the fuck he was talking about. For some reason, it wasn’t registering in my brain. Everything felt slow and muted as Leo picked me up. A small smile of amusement playing on his face, “No he’s fine. He’s still with us. Aren’t you baby?”

I don’t remember if I spoke or not. I think I did but even today the whole thing is a little fuzzy. I remember Dick seeming to laugh a lot as Leo moved me to the bedroom. Leo mumbled something as he softly laid me on the bed.

“You with us…?” He asked me and I think I nodded my head.

“What happened?” I asked, “I feel weird.”

“Don’t worry about it baby,” Leo said as Dick came over his clothes having suddenly disappeared.

I blinked hard in confusion as he wrapped his arms around my waist before my eyes drooped closed again. When I opened them, he was pulling my underwear off my one leg it having just magically disappeared from around the other.

That’s when it hit me as Dick started kissing down my chest my hands touching his shoulders as he licked and nibbled laughing at me. They had drugged me.

Whatever they had given me had made me feel like I was drunk my whole head swimming my body so relaxed I couldn’t have sat up if I tried which didn’t seem like a good idea at the time. The room swayed gently back and forth on top of the world.   
Almost like a hammock being moved in a strong breeze, a breeze that was way too strong.

“Fuck,” I muttered as Dick’s mouth when around my cock before I could stop myself from saying anything my sense of inhibition completely gone me lacking all impulse control.

“Yeah feels good huh?” Leo cooed crawling on the bed with us. I looked over at him a camera in his hand, “Smile for your Dad.”

“No,” I said shaking my head before realizing how sick that made me feel. A tiny gasp escaping me.

“You should. You should say hi to him too. He’s going to love this,” Leo commented.

“What did you gi…” I said as Dick tongued my tip rolling his tongue across the slit of my penis making it impossible for me to function. My thoughts completely left me as I became breathless with what he was doing, my cock becoming rod hard.

Leo laughed, “Stole your breath a little bit huh baby? I bet you’re going to explode once I get this thing back on the tripod and join in.”

I feel like I asked him what but I’m not sure. Things felt blurry like I said before but I know after that next thing I remember was a searing ripping pain as I came to. Dick on my back with Leo under me running his hand through my hair telling me I was ok. That I felt good inside moaning into my collarbone. I tried to breathe through my mouth my body telling me I wanted it. That I was good for it when my brain was fighting it with everything in me.

The feeling of them both moving inside of me felt like I was dying. Dick bit into my shoulder blade as he hit orgasm sending my body shuttering. After that, I must have blacked out again because then I remember waking up in bed Leo asleep next to. I felt like I was about to throw up on him almost like a real hangover I didn’t get to really enjoy the full effect of the actually being drunk for.

I stumbled out of bed my foot getting caught in the sheet causing me to fall crashing to the floor where I threw up stomach acid and cheap rum all over the wood under my hands. My head still swaying with a raging headache now added to the mix. I heard Leo stretch putting his feet on the floor before I felt his arms around my waist.

“Oh, shit baby. I’m sorry,” he sighed picking me up and taking me to the bathroom setting me on the floor in the front of the toilet while he turned on the bath water.

I continued to dry heave for a few minutes as Leo left the bathroom returning just as I had finally managed to fight back the urge of attempting to eject my stomach through my mouth wiping my saliva off on my forearm as I rested my head against the cool porcelain circle of the toilet seat.

“Feeling any better?” He asked me.

I probably blinked a few times before I managed to reply. “What did you give me?” I asked him.

“We’ve been over this already remember?” He sighed turning off the running water before he chuckled lightly to himself, “Of course you don’t. Never mind, GHB.”

“What?” I asked.

“It helps people relax,” he told me.

“I know what it does,” I moaned closing my eyes, “Why?”

“You were freaking out. You needed to relax,” he said moving to pick me up and slide me into the tub, “So we helped you relax.”

“I feel like I have the worst hangover ever without any of the fun,” I mumbled.

“It’s ok. We won’t do it again anytime soon I swear. Those sounds you made though, those were sweet,” Leo commented.

“I can’t believe you drugged me,” I said shaking my head and moaning as pain sizzled behind my eyes.

“Well, it did the job even though I think I’m going to have to make another video for your Dad. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression,” Leo said picking up a washcloth and putting body wash on it massaging it into my chest in slow circles.

“My ass hurts,” I said.

“Doesn’t it usually feel a little sore and stiff? If it doesn’t I’m doing something wrong,” Leo said laughing lightly under his breath.

“I mean more than usual it feels like I did…” I fell quiet the fuzzy memory coming back to me like a fish leaping out of deep water into my face.

“Ah,” Leo said nodding his head, “It was nice. It was impossibly tight. If I hadn’t of already cum at the point I don’t think I would have lasted more than a few minutes.”

“I don’t like…” I managed before I trailed off.

What did he care what I liked or didn’t like? He hadn’t shown any concern before so why would it matter now? He hadn’t shown he cared when he had drugged me or when he had taken me away from my family on Christmas eve. None of those things showed that he cared about me. Only that he cared about himself and what he wanted. So why did it even matter what I liked?

“It felt mind-blowing,” he said smiling at me as he continued rubbing the slow circles into my chest going lower past my nipples into my belly button as I sat in the water, “You look numb.”

I didn’t have a response. If I wasn’t numb I was going to scream and cry, hit out at him and that would only earn me time in the armbinder and leg spreader which was something I never wanted to be subjected to again. Something that I didn’t think I could handle going through again.

“Talk to me. What do you remember?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered softly after a moment unable to look at him.

“You remember something,” he replied, “I’m sure you do. I made sure Rich didn’t give you that much.”

“I remember the camera,” I answered him quietly, “I remember di…I mean Rich on top of me. Him kissing me and laughing.”

“Ok,” Leo answered nodding his head thoughtfully, “You shouldn’t call him Dick. You know that.”

“It slipped out. I’m sorry,” I answered.

“He doesn’t like being called Dick for obvious reasons,” Leo said, “So it would really make me happy if you were more careful with that.”

“He’s sucking mine so I don’t understand why I can’t call him that,” I said and Leo let out a bellowing laugh. The laugh seemed to bounce off the walls echoing making my head pound with it. Almost like something was hitting me repeatedly. 

“Funny, that’s really good,” Leo said wiping tears away from his face, “But just don’t please. For me?”

“Ok,” I said as he handed me the washcloth so I could continue washing myself.

It was a small favor. Him allowing me to wash myself down there especially when he and Da had made it very clear my body was theirs. That every part of me belonged to them before it belonged to me.

Leo sighed heavily making me realize he was watching me closely as he reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand making the knot in my throat grow tighter as I avoided meeting his gaze. I didn’t like the feeling of him on my skin, of any of them on my skin. I wanted to be left alone.

“Why do you always seem so scared, baby?” He asked me, “You never want to look me in the eyes. You never want to tell me what you’re thinking. Why?”

“You don’t want to hear what I’m thinking,” I answered, “You don’t want to know. And if I did tell you, you wouldn’t care. You don’t care how I feel. What I want. I know it so why…why tell you?”

“Maybe just because I want to know. I really do. Even if I don’t agree with it. I need to know what you’re thinking so I can correct those thoughts baby. Because it’s those thoughts that hurt you. Not me, I love you. I would never hurt you. It’s your own thoughts and confusion that hurts you the most,” Leo said, “So tell me.”

“I don’t like having sex with Rich. It disgusts me ok? I don’t want to have sex with him. Every time he touches me it reminds me of how worthless I am, how stupid I am,” I told him.

“No, baby you’re not stupid at all. And you’re not worthless. If you were worthless I wouldn’t have paid so much to have you be with me ok? If you were worthless there wouldn’t be so many guys asking me to spend time with you, to just be the same room you’re in. You’re worth every cent I paid to spend time with you and then some, ok?” Leo said kissing my cheek.

I just nodded my head not sure what to say. That hadn’t been what I had meant. I had meant I wasn’t a person, that I was just some plaything. I hadn’t been talking about money. I had meant my feelings were worthless, what I wanted was insignificant. Not that people weren’t willing to pay money to stick their dick up my ass. Of course, someone would be willing to give me money for that.

I poured more soap onto the washcloth washing my lower stomach towards my nether regions and his eyes lit up. I swallowed trying to ignore the look on his face turning away from him. Trying to pretend I didn’t see his eyes, that he wasn’t there as I proceeded to wash Dick’s spit off me, and his.

He moved catching my attention and when I looked up my heart dropped into my stomach. He was taking off his boxers. The ones he had fallen asleep in. I closed my eyes trying to stay calm trying to breathe.

“That camera’s still on in the bedroom,” he said his voice low and husky as he looked at me.

I hugged myself. Wrapping my arms around my midsection and nodded not looking at him. I knew where this was going and I knew I couldn’t stop it as he handed me a towel and I stood up.

We were out of the bathroom and in the bedroom before I realized what was happening. Before my brain could work fast enough to remember what was going on his face buried in my neck whispering about how good I tasted, how good I felt and smelt. His lips and teeth all over me as he turned the light on the nightstand on so the camera had enough light to see what was going on.

“Wait,” I breathed as he used the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. I fisted the sheets beside me not sure what else to do and not wanting to touch him. Not wanting my body to have more contact with his than was necessary as he did this, as I let him do it.

He kissed me until he was breathless, his hands rubbing up and down my outer thighs as he straddled my hips kissing my collarbone, “Just relax,” he whispered softly his eyes giving me that look. That intense look that told me nothing was going to stop him or pull him back.

“Leo…” I said quietly.

“I know baby, I know,” he said nodding his head slightly unstraddling my hips and laying down next to me his one hand going up to my hip, “Just spread your legs ok?”

“Leo please,” I said closing my eyes.

“No, just relax ok? Look at me,” he said pulling on the inside of one of my knees slight enough to get me to understand what he meant. Me not daring to fight back afraid he would use a spreader instead of giving me free movement, which made it worse made me feel even more trapped in my body. I sighed allowing him to move me. To climb on top of me grinding his pelvis against mine as my breath caught. I closed my eyes and turned my head away trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

“Come on baby. Look at me,” he said rubbing himself up against my hole pressing against my taint.

“No,” I said shaking my head as I felt him take his sticky hand and rub it on me before sticking a finger in. It coated my insides in lube as he started to move his finger in and out.

“Oh, that’s nice. You’re still nice and ready for me,” he said placing a hand on my hip as he reached down with the other hand to make sure he was lined up before starting to push in.

“I don’t want to,” I said shaking my head my whole-body trembling as he started sliding in with relative ease, “I don’t want to.”

“I know baby. You’re ok though, I just want us to feel good together, ok? Because I love you,” he said as I looked away again, “No. Come on. I want to see your beautiful eyes baby.”

“I don’t want to. Leo please, please Leo,” I begged him putting a hand on his arm digging my nails into his bicep as he finally sheathed himself inside of me before he stopped moving hissing with excitement.

“Baby it’s ok, just relax. Just wait and relax,” he said.

“Please, Leo please stop,” I begged before a tiny sob escaped because he wasn’t listening.

I needed him to listen. I needed him to stop and he wouldn’t and it didn’t matter what I said he wouldn’t stop and he wouldn’t listen and he didn’t care. He rolled his hips so he didn’t pull out but pushed his hips forward instead against my prostate making me squeak in surprise that he found it so easily.

“There we go,” he said doing it again just as slowly and deeply as before making me moan from the back of my throat as I tried to stay silent, “That’s it. God, you feel good. No, don’t close your eyes. Look at me baby, look at me.”

I tried to tell him to stop the word right there on the edge of my tongue hiding just behind my lips and I found I couldn’t push it out. My body too busy filling with cold fire as he stared at me, as he made me watch him. His lips moved his lips but my brain didn’t register what he was saying even though I knew what it was that he was telling me.

He was telling me I felt good. That he wanted me. That I was beautiful and perfect and everything I wasn’t. His eyes going wide at one point as he wrapped his hands under my thighs like he was trying to pull my legs farther apart as he pace started to pick up.

“Please Leo stop,” I begged him afraid to move my hands from where they were digging into his arms afraid that if I moved at all I would push him away and then I wouldn’t even be able to move of my own free will as I remembered how badly that hurt. How badly the straps of the binder hurt digging into my armpits and shoulders as it pulled my arms backward pinning them to my body.

“Please Leo, Please, stop, No, st…st…sto…stop,” I barely managed to stutter out as I found I lost my ability to speak.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” he said leaning forward so he was balls deep hitting up against my prostate my whole body tightening as that feeling rushed through me as I orgasmed. My explosion coating both our stomachs as he released inside of me still looking in my eyes.

When he was done he didn’t pull out right away his one hand moving to my face stroking my cheek as I panted. My eyes were locked on his hoping to see something there. Mercy, empathy, sympathy for anything and all I saw was satisfaction. Satisfaction that he had gotten off. That he had made me get off even though I had begged him to stop, wanted him to stop. Made it very clear that I didn’t want to do it.

“See beautiful? I knew you’d like it. God, you make beautiful sounds,” he said kissing my forehead before pulling up hitting against my prostate again it sending a shock through my system that made me shiver my eyes rolling like I hadn’t allowed them to the first time as I heard him start laughing my whole body screaming at me that I was done. That it was enough, that I couldn’t take anymore before he pulled out slowly.

“A dry one huh?” He asked me, “that’s ok. Those can be really intense though.”

“Can we stop now?” I asked him quietly.

He must not have heard me because he sighed running a hand through my hair, “What baby?”

“Ca-can we stop now?” I asked again.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head before kissing my forehead again, “Yeah we’re stopping ok?”

I nodded my head swallowing as my throat felt heavy and thick. My legs wobbly I didn’t even try to leave just rolled over and curled myself into the fetal position. I didn’t care if he saw me crying. I tried to cry silently but I didn’t care if he knew because I figured he didn’t care. If he didn’t care how I felt then I shouldn’t care about his feelings.

It was Christmas Eve, he had taken me from my family so he could fuck him. So he and his son could fuck me. They had drugged me, raped me repeatedly even as I begged him to stop and I was tired of trying to hide how miserable I was. Tired of fighting. That’s when I decided when I got home I was going to find a way, any way to make it all stop. That I was going to tell Pat I was sorry but that I couldn’t do it anymore. That I was beyond done.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is woken up for Christmas and he learns what the near future holds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1100 to 1108. **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced anal, forced oral, forced kissing, forced anal fingering, mental health issues, emotional abuse, manipulation, anxiety** Yes this is a short chapter. I don't know why other than it felt very emotionally charged I guess. It's getting closer to the end of John's part 2 like I said before.

I did end up falling asleep and was only woken up to the feel of Leo running his hand through my hair which by then had been drilled into me not to move away or bat it away so instead I groaned in displeasure. That only caused him to lean into my face kissing my ear lobe and then my neck.

“Please don’t,” I asked him not opening my eyes.

“Merry Christmas,” he said Straddling me as he reminded me of what day it was making me sigh.

He wanted sex and all I was interested in was what my kids were doing. Had Da and mum made sure they had gotten what they wanted? Were they opening presents, or had they already finished? Were they happy and safe?

He started nipping at my collar bone as I sighed turning my face away his fingers lacing their way through mine like we were lovers. I knew I didn’t have a choice even if I didn’t want to. Not that it mattered anyway. I let him climb on top of me biting into my lip as he slid inside closing my eyes.

“No, just relax,” he muttered as I threw my head back into the pillows trying to find a space that was somewhere else, so I didn’t have to feel him, have to know what I was letting him do to me as my chest heaved, “there we go, that’s it.” He said his one hand going back and running through my hair as kept my eyes closed.

He started making grunting noises as he pushed in hard almost too hard. His movements slow pressing against me, keeping in constant contact with my prostate making it impossible for me to talk as that pressure wouldn’t stop. My eyes rolling after just a few minutes my groin and stomach tightening as I started to release before he grabbed the base of my penis jolting me.

“Not yet baby,” he moaned still going, “Not yet.”

“Leo, stop,” I muttered quietly my body beyond tired still. My brain only half awake.

“I know, I know you’re ok though,” He muttered biting into my shoulder before wrapping his arms around my back under my armpits hugging me to him as he kissed me, “you feel so good, baby.”

“Leo please,” I begged just as there was a sharp knock on the door and Dick opened it.

“Oh man, I was hoping to spend some time with him before I went over to mom’s,” Dick pouted as Leo didn’t stop moving.

“It’s ok just relax,” He cooed to me, “You got him last night. He’s just giving me my Christmas present aren’t you baby?”

“Why on earth does he breathe like he’s taking a Lamaze class?” Dick questioned.

“He gets nervous…oh fuck yeah!” Leo said rolling his hips making me gasps, “When you’re nervous sometimes you have trouble breathing so they tell you nice deep breaths but, hard to breathe deep when…oh shit fuck yeah…”

“Well, ok I’m going to go…will you be here when I get back?”

Leo leaned forward grabbing my legs and wrapping them around his waist as he rolled his hips one last time and shuddered above me, releasing into me coating my insides with goo and then he rolled off me, ignoring me.

“We’ll be here we can’t leave without you. Good thing we’re going in a private plane otherwise the line would be hell on earth but, we should be fine,” Leo told him, “That and you have to pack your bag because I’m not going to back it for you.”

“What about him?” He asked pointing at me confusing me.

“I’m going?” I stammered confusedly.

“Your birthday celebration baby,” Leo said turning to look at me as I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees, “Did you forget?”

“You fucked him, stupid Dad,” Dick laughed.

“Don’t be rude Rich,” Leo scoffed before turning back to me, “It’s ok you forgot you’ve been busy. Remember the celebration your Dad is planning? We’re going to Ibiza. I think Connor is going to give his stuff to Tony not that he’ll be needing much.”

“Connor isn’t coming?” Dick asked frowning.

“No, he and Ben are staying here. There was a lot of interest and so they decided to give up their positions to people who were willing to compensate Connor for the privilege of being guests,” Leo said.

“Oh,” Dick said, “How much?”

“I don’t know it’s not my place to ask,” Leo answered as they both looked at me.

They were pimping me out. They were going to make me have sex with people I didn’t know to make a movie. If Tony was going to be there and what they had told me was true that was the only thing it could mean.

“I’m not going home?” I asked looking at my arms.

“After the fourth, you will be, we’ll all be coming home by then,” Leo answered.

“I can’t even see them before we go?” I asked.

“Your Dad thought it would be best to just go from here to there,” Leo answered.

“I don’t even get to say goodbye?” I asked him.

“Baby, we’re not going to kill you you’re coming back,” Leo said smiling at me, “You’re going to be fine ok? Rich and I will both be there we won’t let anyone kill you. This is supposed to be about you, making you feel good. I think Tony has settled on the title birthday boy gets candle blown 14 times.”

“What?” I asked feeling my mouth drop as my eyes started to burn.

There was no way in hell they were doing that. I shook my head. I was more angry than scared. I would never agree to that they would never get me to do that and be ok with it. I wasn’t going to let 14 guys strap me to a bed and rape me.

“Baby, it’ll be nice,” Leo said reaching for my hand which I pulled away his eyes flashing at me as I realized my mistake, “You son of a bitch. I told you, you don’t pull away. You’re lucky it’s Christmas and I need you able to perform otherwise I’d fuck you until you bleed.”

I balled my fist to try and hide the fact that my hands were shaking, “I I-I’m sorry.”

“You will be later,” he promised me, “Rich you should head out to see your mom.”

“Well, you know the one thing he hates. I wouldn’t put him out of commission just you know…” Dick trailed off looking at Leo.

Leo looked at me his brow wrinkling while he thought about it. I knew what Dick wanted, he knew what Dick wanted. It was the one thing I hated more than anything else. Him on me, his mouth on me. I could almost block out anal even though it hurt but I couldn’t block out that.

“Well, I do have to go make sure everything is on track so that might take a little bit of time, calling Tony making sure everything is ready. So, if you want to punish him sure but, no bruises or only small ones because it means less editing later ok?” Leo said standing up and not bothering to grab clothes before he left the room.

Once he was gone Dick locked the door an evil smile growing on his face making me insides freeze. I knew what he wanted from me. He wanted to give me a blow job one that I was very against having and had made it very clear to Leo I wasn’t ok with Dick touching me.

“Why are you shaking?” He asked me, “Don’t you want your Christmas present?”

He walked slowly towards the foot of the bed climbing onto it on his knees and I wanted to jump away, to go into the bathroom but realized the odds of me making it to the bathroom before he caught me were slim to none and that it would just make him angry.

“Rich,” I said carefully using the name he preferred, “Please I’m begging you, please don’t.”

“It’s fun though and you like it,” he said as I shook my head.

“I find that hard to believe,” he said leaning over the top of me placing each one of his arms on the headboard over my head as he looked at me his eyes seeming cold like he was dead on the inside.

“I don’t,” I said quietly my lips barely moving.

“You do, and you know it,” he said his smirk only growing, “If you didn’t you’d try to run.”

“I wouldn’t make it,” I answered, “If I try to run I wouldn’t make it. So, what’s the point?”

“To try,” he answered, “Are you just going to sit there curled in on yourself or are you going to let me have what I want?”

“Why are you still wearing clothes if you want…” He cut off my question.

“I don’t need to be naked to suck your dick, baby,” he said moving his hand to touch my face which I smacked away.

“Don’t touch me!” I hissed tensing my shoulders making my neck disappear.

“Oh, you’re going to play rough? Maybe I should get out the armbinder?” He teased me.

“He didn’t say you could,” I said.

“He said not to give you big bruises. An armbinder wouldn’t give you a big one if I don’t pull it too tight,” He said putting his arm on my knee.

“Don’t,” I said.

“It’ll just be a little fun that’s all,” he said before he pulled on my ankle surprising me. Before he pulled my leg out of my own grip where I was holding it against my body straddling my other knee forcing that leg down as well.

“No,” I said trying to push him away with my arms as he grabbed my wrists.

He was going to do it. He was going to make me do it. He was planning on making me lay there while he wrapped his lips around my cock. Which was something I couldn’t stand the thought of. Just thinking about it making me hate myself, making me feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.

“Aww, your lips trembling. You’re so cute when you’re scared,” he said as I pushed up on his arms using my forearms and he didn’t budge an inch.

“Stop,” I said.

“No, you stop, or I’ll call him back in here. Let me!” He hissed at me.

“NO! I don’t want your mouth on my cock!” I shouted.

“That’s probably the first time in history anyone has ever said that,” Dick laughed.

“That’s not funny. You’re not funny. I don’t want to have sex with you,” I said.

“Oral isn’t real sex baby. Don’t you know that?” He asked.

“Don’t call me baby,” I hissed.

“If you don’t let me, I’m calling him in here and he’ll hold you down while I do it. Do you want that?” Dick asked me.

I shook my head not looking at him. I didn’t want to see him. I knew Dick was right. That Leo would hold me down so Dick could have me. That I needed to treat it like I was doing it for one of my brothers, someone I cared about. Like I was picking the lesser of two evils.

“There you go,” he said as I relaxed my shoulders him grinding his knees into my hips as he pushed my upper body downward gently making me lie flat his nose brushing against mine, “I can make you feel good. It doesn’t have to be bad.” He whispered as I felt his words on my face before he kissed me.

I tried to push him off changing my mind. Not wanting to taste the salt and eggs on his breath as he rolled his tongue across mine, my chest heaving as I whined into his mouth kicking my feet and finding no leverage to get him off me.  
“I change my mind,” I gasped as he broke the kiss, “I can’t.”

“Sure, you can,” he said licking my cheek and down my chest, “God even your skin tastes good.”

“Don’t…” I managed before I lost my voice his teeth digging into my nipple and chest as his tongue swirled around it. A moan escaped me before I slapped my hand over my mouth not wanting him to know what it had felt like. Not wanting him to be aware of how he had made my body feel.

He pulled away from my skin laughing biting his lower lip, “There’s no use hiding it. I can feel you,” his said his hand sliding down over the top of the sheet that was covering me, the only thing that was covering me rubbing my erection, making the rest of my body go stiff again.

He laughed harder, “God baby, you’re so nervous. Why?”

“I…I…,” I tried to explain to him but couldn’t manage to get the words out.

I didn’t want to be with him. I wanted to be with Pat. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted him to stop. It was my body and I had no right to it, and I couldn’t control what it was feeling, and it was scary and upsetting and there was nothing I could do to get him to leave me alone.

“That’s ok, just relax,” he said lifting his body weight and ripping the sheet away so I was naked under him as he kissing down the center of my chest as I bit my lip to keep myself from crying his hands sliding down my sides past my hips as he moved most of his weight resting on my one leg as he shifted his to bend my knee so he could settle in-between my legs.

Before I could stop him, he shoved two of his fingers up my ass causing me to nearly scream, “What the fuck?” I said trying to push him off to which he laughed.

“It’ll blow your mind if you let it. Even though it feels kind of wet in there still,” he said.

“Stop,” I said as he wrapped his arms around my thighs to hold my legs open, “No stop it. I need you to stop it.”

He wrinkled his nose at me his fingers moving inside of me making me cringe, “Man he cums a lot, doesn’t he? I forgot about that.”

“Stop it,” I begged him as he finally found what he was looking for and he smiled watching my reaction as took a deep breath through my mouth.

“There we go,” he said using his other hand to rub me getting me to stand at attention, “That’s it baby stand up for me. God, I love the taste of your cum.”

I let out a sound between a whimper and a hum as I gripped the sheet next to me in my fist and he nosed the tip of my penis before sliding his tongue along my tip.

“HOLY SHIT!” I screamed. The feeling jolting me as I shook my head.

This was not cool. Whatever he was doing reminded me of the weird feeling I had got when he had tried to force Dom to go down on me. This wasn’t like a regular rape this was more. This was beyond what I could stand when I was already to the point of breaking and I felt like I didn’t have the right to tell him no. I felt like I didn’t have the right to push him away even though I wasn’t tied up.

“What the hell?” Leo asked as he opened the door to find us a smile spreading across his face, “You’re making him verbal? What are you doing?”

“Well, Dad can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?” Dick asked a huge shit eating grin on his face.

“Never learned that trick,” Leo answered, “Why?”

“Watch,” he said shrugging his shoulders as he stuck out his tongue and curved the sides of it upward, so his tongue was almost shaped like a straw before he bent down and zapped me again stopping after a minute and then laughing, “That’s why I asked.”

“Holy…” I gasped.

“A girl teach you that?” Leo asked.

“Yeah, Dawn,” he answered, “Who knew it would make sucking cock so much fun?”

“I might have to have you teach me that,” Leo said nodding his head as Dick didn’t waste any more time talking to his Dad opening his throat all the way making my body shudder, so I couldn’t speak. Making me want to scream but having trouble finding my voice, having trouble breathing.

“You’re ok, baby,” Leo said getting on the bed next to me grabbing my hand that was still gripping the sheets, “You’re ok, god you’re so fucking perfect. It must feel good, yeah? You can’t even speak.”

I felt like my body was on fire and being tickled and crawling with insects all at once. The most intense orgasm of my life as I kept fighting it until it burned, and I couldn’t hold on anymore. Until I came in Dick’s mouth my body not being able to hold back and he made the most obscene lip-smacking sounds as he fucked his face on my dick my whole-body shuddering and tingling with my orgasm leaving me breathless. My whole body getting that jello feeling that I usually only felt in my legs.

“So, did I do good?” Dick asked Leo smiling up at him as Leo nodded his head.

“Well, I can tell you I could use another round. That was amazing I’ve never seen him come so hard,” Leo said, “Can you teach me that?”

“I could try, starts with learning how to tie a cherry stem with your tongue. Once you figure that out it’s not too hard,” Dick told him.

“You came so hard baby. Your knuckles are white. Are you still feeling it? Probably in your lower stomach,” he said touching my pelvis making me bite down my bottom lip so hard I tasted metal.

“God, he looks like he’s about to lose his mind,” Dick said.

“He’s ok. He’s either feeling every cell in his body or he’s not feeling anything at all and considering the fact that his hand is still gripping very tightly to that sheet I’d say it’s just about everything,” Leo said before addressing me taking my hand and trying to untangle it, “It’s ok baby. You’re ok. I know that was hard, I know. It’s ok though.”

“No,” I whimpered my brain feeling as fried as my body felt.

“Hey, hey you’re ok,” Leo whispered finally managing to get my hand free, “Come here baby,” he said dragging my head into his lap where I clutched to his bare thighs burying my head in his lap trying not to scream my whole nervous system on fire, “That you go, that’s it. Just try and calm down.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Dick asked Leo.

“Well, it used to happen to you sometimes. You don’t remember?” Leo asked him.

“No,” Dick shook his head.

“He’s, his body is still young. Maybe not as young as six-year old’s like you were but, sometimes your body can only take so much pleasure before it hurts, and he was holding off as long as he could. That would only have helped the pleasure build. Usually when we’re young that first sign of pleasure and we pop but you, when you were a little boy you’d like to fight it until you were almost screaming and begging me to stop. And then your eyes would roll and your whole body would shudder and when I was done you’d be like this…a crying shivering mess in my lap for hours. According to Vic, it’s happened to him before but, it usually hits after weeks of buildup. Mostly in panic attacks.”

“I don’t remember any of that,” Dick said.

“Well, it’s intense. You probably blocked it out,” Leo answered, “It’s ok baby. Just relax, try to calm down. Cry if you need to ok?”

My throat burned suddenly as if he was giving me a command, permission to cry when I had probably been fighting so desperately not to the whole time and just hadn’t noticed. I wanted to cry. I did, I just didn’t want to cry in his lap with his erection poking me in the head. I didn’t want to have to see them or feel them, but I needed something to ground me something else to focus on other than the feel of my body.

“Interesting thing though usually, it takes more than oral sex to cause a whole-body orgasm. Usually, it takes both types of stimulation,” Leo said.

“Well, my fingers were kind of…,” Dick looked at his hand and frowned wiping it on his jeans.

“Oh,” Leo said, “Most people don’t have full body orgasms that often. Usually only once or twice in their life but it’s a simple case of overstimulation but it lasts for hours so you should head over to your mom’s now and we’ll be here when you get back.”  
“Ok,” Dick said as I rolled over him getting up off the bed and grabbed a pillow to hug, wrapping myself around it and burying my face in it.

“Good he’s coming out of it,” Leo said, “And on your own to, baby, I’m so proud of you.”

“All right well, I’ll get to have some fun with him on the trip so…” Dick said.

“Not until Day three I don’t think,” Leo said, “And I’m his contract holder so I’m not supposed to participate.”

“Really? They have it planned out?” Dick asked.

“Yes,” Leo said, “that’s what I was in the office talking to Tony about. We’re going to draw numbers when we get there 1 to 14. I think it’s going to be three hours of shooting and then an hour break and then the next person. We’re going to shoot individuals first which will take four days because we’re taking from like 11 to 8 am off and reshoots start the fourth day as well. Then we’re doing group one on the next day which would be 1-7 and then we’re stopping at nine that night and getting up and doing the next group the next morning and then the day after that is full group and day 10 we’re doing reshoots and that’s because Tony is going to have time to go through group one footage to see what needs to be fixed. Day 11 and 12 we’re just going to kind of go through the footage and edit and then we head home so Tony can finish his edits and he’s hoping by this time next month he’ll be good to publish.”

“That sounds busy,” Dick said.

“You won’t have to worry about it that much,” Leo said, “Now to your mom’s before you get me in trouble, go!”

“Ok, Merry Christmas Dad,” he said before walking out of the bedroom and shutting the door behind him.

“Are you ok?” Leo asked me putting a hand on my back making me hiss and flinch causing him to sigh, “This is going to be a long day isn’t it?”

I bit into the pillow as I screamed not able to hold back anymore. I didn’t want him near me and he had just told me what they were going to do to me. That they were going to torture me for 12 days. When I could stop myself from screaming I took a deep breath.

“He hates me,” I managed to say shakily.

“Who does?” Leo asked me.

“My Da,” I whimpered, “He’ll never stop punishing me. For leaving, for letting mum take me away. He’ll never stop.”

“He’s doing this because he loves you, not because he hates you,” Leo said.

“He loves me, and I can’t love him back!” I screeched, “NOT LIKE THAT! So, he’s going to just keep punishing me and punishing me until I can’t…”

Leo sighed heavily. I don’t know if he knew I was right or if he thought I was lying but he didn’t say anything for a while. Didn’t touch me, nothing just sat there staring at my back in silence.

“I can’t stop this. It’s already planned but maybe, maybe I can talk to him. See if I can get him to understand. Get him to see it’s not him, that you can’t help it. We’re programmed to not feel that way about people we’re related to by blood. At least most of us are. Why do you think I don’t find Rich attractive even though he’s if he was someone else’s kid I might find him irresistible? Because he’s my son. Your Dad just happens to be an odd man out on this one,” Leo said softly.

“You don’t get it, do you?” I stammered, “I tried to kill myself…” I paused trying to control my tears, “I tried to kill myself because he-he gave me to you. You’re a part of it. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to be with anyone. It hurts, it’ hurts to know I’m a fucking whore and that there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. It hurts so much I want to rip my skin off and I can’t. I can’t because it’s not mine to rip. And I can’t fix anything. I can’t help anyone, and it’s hurt so bad.”

“Oh baby,” Leo said, “Hold on, I’ll be right back ok? Just stay right here.”

He hurried away as I sobbed my tears and snot running down my face and into the pillow I was clinging for dear life too. This was the only type of pain that Leo responded to, emotional pain. He didn’t care about whether my body hurt, or I was begging him to stop, crying for him to stop but if my pain was caused by someone else he couldn’t stand watching it.

That’s why even as I write this I say my Da was always worse. Because he knew what he did to me and he liked it. He liked watching me rot from the inside out. Because he couldn’t have me, so he wouldn’t even allow me to have myself. He liked watching me collapse in on myself to the point where I felt like I wasn’t anything. Like I didn’t matter and, I was worthless. Where Leo couldn’t stand to see me feel that way. He came back into the room and I felt a poke in my shoulder as he rubbed it.

“You’ll be ok baby,” he said, “Just close your eyes and go to sleep and when you wake up you’ll be ok.”

He let me sob and keep sobbing until I quieted back down. Sitting next to me quietly not touching me until I fell into a drug-induced sleep.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John hops on a plane heading towards his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1108 to 1124. **Warnings: molestation, forced handjob, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, fear, depression** This all takes place on a plane to Ibiza. There is a lot of business talk here. About money and other things that involve the brotherhood. If the money stats seem inflated think about it this way; how much would you be willing to pay to get a hold of something you wanted more than anything else in the world? Whether that's a new car, a house, a boat, a piece of jewelry (all of those things cost in the 1,000's of dollars if not 10's of 1,000's.) Videos and services like that people will pay a large sum of money to get their hands on if it's something they really want. Think of the brotherhood as the provider in that respect. There are only 1147 pages in this part so next chapter should be the last chapter of John's part 2. Then John will be going on hiatus for a while.
> 
> "an ounce of cocaine, wholesale...is $1200. But you can only sell it once. A woman, or a child, $50 to $1000, but you can sell them each day, every day, over and over and over again..." -Human trafficking (TV-Miniseries, 2005)

I woke up to the feel of a hand on my back as he handed over the phone putting it up against my ear. I sighed and moaned as he rubbed my back tensing my body pushing my shoulders blades as close together as I could get them trying to get him off me, trying to get him to leave me alone.

“Hello?” I heard a voice that surprised me.

“Will?” I asked.

“Are you ok? Mum said Da wasn’t letting you come home for a while. I asked him if I could talk to you,” Will said.

“Yeah,” I lied trying to sound believable, “I’m fine.”

“Da said you wouldn’t home until the 4th. What is going on?” He asked me.

Leo started kissing the back of my neck making me make a small whimper.

“John?” Will asked me quietly.

I cupped my hand over the phone or tried to, “Leo please?” I asked him.

“You taste so good though,” he muttered into my ear that was near the phone.

“What the fuck?” Will asked into the phone, “Are you serious? John? JOHN!”

“Leo please, you-you're scaring him,” I gasped, his hands traveling down my back.

“Just breathe, relax ok?” He muttered his hands cupping my ass.

“Leo god please stop,” I managed to ask shifting my body trying to get his hands off me without pulling away.

“Ok,” he sighed resting his head into the back of my shoulder, “Ok fine. You owe me though.”

“I understand,” I sighed as he got up and walked away.

“Are you ok?” Will asked me his tone urgent, scared.

“Yeah…I’m, I’m fine,” I answered.

“Was he hurting you?” Will asked me.

“I’m fine,” I said, “Huh, Da is making me go to Ibiza for something but I’ll be back after the new year.”

“What is Da making you go to Spain for? And Da is staying here so what’s going on?” Will asked me.

“Will, not right now ok?” I asked him trying to breathe.

“What’s going on?” Will asked me.

“Will,” I said having to swallow to try and wet my dry mouth, “Look I just need you to tell everyone I’m ok. That I’ll be back on the 4th ok?”

“What is Da making you do?” He asked again.

“Will, it doesn’t matter ok?” I said Leo coming back and placing his hand on the back of my neck.

“Come on, John tell me. Please? Just tell me so I know,” Will said.

“What good is telling you going to…” the wind was knocked out of me as I felt a lubed finger go up my ass making me gasp.

“That’s it,” Leo muttered into my ear the one with the phone again, “Want him to listen? You think it’ll make him hot? Is he a good boy like you baby?”

I remember trying to speak but finding it nearly impossible to find my words as Leo’s finger brushed my prostate making me pant my whole body burning with over stimulation from earlier still. It almost hurt me not able to stop my heavy breathing from being picked up by the receiver.

“John? John? John? Come on. Tell him to stop,” I heard Will squeak like he was trying not to cry, “John, are you ok? John, please be ok, please be ok. Leo? Leo? If you can hear me please stop so I can talk to my brother, please, don’t hurt him. Please, I need to talk to him, Leo. Please.”

Leo sighed picking up the phone, “Will, right?”

“Yeah,” Will sniffed.

“Look John’s a little preoccupied right now, but he’s fine. You’ll see him when he comes home and then you can talk to him all you want, ok? I’m sure your Da won’t have a problem with that. This was a courtesy, ok? I didn’t have to let you talk to him at all. Now you’re either going to tell him Merry Christmas and that you love him, and you’ll see him later or I’m going to be hanging up the phone now. You understand?” Leo said briskly.

“Yes sir,” Will answered him quietly.

“Ok good, he can hear you go ahead,” Leo said before putting the phone to my ear.

“John? Just know I love you, ok? I love you and I’ll be right here when you get home and so will everyone else Cole and Pa….” at that Leo hung up the phone cutting him off as he continued rubbing my prostate keeping me frozen in place.

“I want you to cum for me baby, cum for me without me ever touching your cock,” he muttered biting my earlobe as he changed his direction rubbing in small circles making light bursts behind my eyes, “that’s it, baby. One last one before we go ok?”  
I moaned while biting on my tongue making it sound more like hum as I hit the peak of my orgasm him on my back kissing into my shoulder before he got off me seeming satisfied with the results. Finally letting me breathe. Finally letting me move.

“Beautiful,” he murmured, “Let’s get you showered and dressed huh?”

I nodded numbly. All I could picture was my baby brother crying. Crying for me because he knew what was happening, what Leo was doing to me. That he had to hear it happen, hear my breathing hitch as Leo did that me. 

“Why?” I asked him as I managed to stand up.

“Why what? Prostate stimulation is good for your health,” he said smiling like he was amused.

“No, you know what I mean, Leo,” I said shaking my head.

“Oh, because I wanted to. It’s not like he’s never seen you vulnerable,” Leo said.

“No, he has. Of course, he has,” I said thinking of how often Will had been there at the end of something Da had done, how often he had struggled to support my bigger frame as I hugged him crying. If anything, he had been one of the people to see me at my most vulnerable very often.

“You might get to play games with me but don’t ever do that again,” I hissed looking at him.

“You think you could stop me? Maybe I’ll talk your Da into giving me a special viewing of your birthday party. Then we’ll see what you have to say about that,” Leo said smirking at me.

“YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH ME! YOU LEAVE MY BROTHERS OUT OF IT!” I shouted at him.

“You want to shout? You want to play that game? You think Rich doesn’t tell me things. He rides the bus with you. He knows who your friends are, how you interact with them. You want to play that game and pretend your brothers are yours? Well guess what when you’re with me your mine and I’m sick of you flaunting it in my face when I’m not there that I can’t be around you every second to make sure you don’t let other people touch what’s mine,” Leo said, “So maybe if you keep yourself on lockdown I’ll be more sympathetic towards what you view as yours, you understand?” Leo hissed.

“What are you talking about?” I asked him.

“Don’t make me say his fucking name or I’ll tell your Da and you know where that ends,” Leo said, “You catch my drift?”

I felt like I was trying to swallow a brick. So that’s what that was. That’s why he had hung up the phone so quickly. Because he was hearing his name. Because he knew what Will was saying that he was saying Pat would be there to comfort me when I got back. That someone I cared about cared about me.

“There’s nothing going on,” I said quietly not able to look at him.

“There better not be,” Leo said, “Now go shower.”

“Yes sir,” I said walking away and going into the bathroom turning on the shower.

I made sure to shower quickly thinking about what Leo had said. That I was his just like I was Da’s. That I didn’t have a right to hug Pat. Have a right to kiss him, to want him, to let him touch my skin. The one thing that erased all of them and I didn’t have the right to it? The thought made me sick to my stomach.

The thought of him never touching me again made me want to die then and there if knowing where I was going, what was going to happen didn’t already. I bit into the knuckles of my right hand as hard as I could and screamed. How was any of this fair? How was any of this ok enough for God to just turn away from it and let it happen? Nothing about this was right.

When I got out of the shower Leo had a pair of thin basketball shorts and a grey t-shirt laid on the bed for me along with a pair of cheap flip-flops. I sighed picking them up noticing the lack of under clothes. The lack of underwear.

“Huh, Leo?” I asked barely daring to do it, “Can I have some underwear?”

“No,” He said, “Only boys who know what’s mine get underwear once you understand that, this,” he said grabbing my penis and squeezing gently making me suck in my stomach and freeze closing my eyes, “is mine anytime I want it. Then you can wear undies, you understand?”

I nodded my head in response.

“Good now get dressed before Rich gets here so we can go,” he said.

I got dressed quickly before I ran a comb through my hair and just as we were heading into the garage we heard the front door open, “Dad?” Rich asked his voice grating on my nerves.

“Up here going to the car, Rich why don’t you wait outside that way you can put your car in the garage when I pull out?” Leo asked.

“Yeah ok,” Rich said, “I was hoping to get some time in before but…” Rich said sounding disappointed.

“Maybe on the plane. Make sure you lock the door behind you, ok?” Leo said.

“I always locked the door behind me,” Rich sighed, and I could practically hear him rolling his eyes as the door shut again.

“Are you going to?” I asked quietly as Leo held the door to the garage open for me.

“What?” He asked me.

“Let him?” I asked not finishing my sentence. Leo knowing exactly what I meant.

“Probably not because once we get there it’s going to be a long two weeks for you,” he answered me, “He’ll get his turn.”

I shivered. The number flashing in my head like it was being lit by neon lights that screamed a warning. 14. That was my fate 14. Just thinking it felt like being hit by a train. I had to sleep with 14 men while I was there. Had to let 14 sets of hands wander my skin the thought was unbearable. So, I told myself to quit thinking. Not that it worked.

I took deep breaths all the way to the airport doing my best to ignore any conversation they had in the car. Us parking close to the tarmac next to a black Ferrari where I could tell he was standing looking bored. Tony. Tony who didn’t like doing this to people. Tony who liked little girls better but certainly didn’t mind filming fucking boys and maybe groping them a little while he was at it.

“There you are!” He sighed as Leo opened the door before coming around to my side and grabbing my arm, “You’re ok.”

I nodded my head sighing deeply. There wasn’t any way out of this and I knew it. I knew there was nothing I could do to make this not happen.

“Well luggage is loaded including his,” Tony said, “So if you guys want to do carry on that’s up to you.”

“Yeah, I think we’ll get going,” Leo commented putting his hand on the small of my back leading me towards the plane.

“He’s so pretty,” Tony said to which Leo smiled as I stood there numbly, my face as expressionless as I could make it as I started climbing up the stairs them behind me.

“He is, isn’t he?” Leo agreed smacking my ass lightly as I got higher above his head laughing, “I love his ass you could bounce a coin off his ass. Speaking of we didn’t talk about that. Are all the payments in?”

“Huh, yeah you sure you want him to hear it?” Tony asked.

“It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing he can do about it anyway,” Leo said.

“What does Connor think of that?” Tony asked.

“Connor didn’t say either way,” Leo shrugged his shoulders as we finally made it onto the plane and some guy directed us to sit.

The inside of the plane was nothing like the jets I had been on before. No aisles of seats one behind another cramped into the space but an open bench that was long enough for everyone to rest with their feet up comfortably on one side and on the other the regular passenger seats in black and gold with tiny tables in front of them instead of more cramped and crowded seats only about 8 seats on the one side of the plane while the other was all bench with a small curtain separating the cockpit and the sitting area. It was a fancy plane.

“Nice Tony,” Rich muttered bringing up the rear as we entered.

“Thanks, kid but it’s not mine, mine is smaller. This is the Leaders plane. He heard about this and offered to fund some new equipment and the use of his plane. Connor is someone to impress according to Lionel,” Tony said.

“Because of his money?” he asked, “I knew baby here was loaded but loaded enough for this?”

“Apparently so,” Tony said as he sat down on the bench me standing there not sure what to do.

“Come here baby,” Leo said grabbing my hand and gently leading me over to the bench seat leaning over my lap to find the buckles and secure me his hand purposefully going up the leg of my loose basketball shorts making me tense for a minute while he leaned over my lap.

“He got anything on under those?” Tony asked raising an eyebrow.

“Why?” Leo smiled playfully, “I thought you like girls better.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t try batting for the other team occasionally,” Tony commented smirking.

“Have you had him?” Dick asked making me feel like a piece of meat making me hug myself as I shivered trying to ignore them.

“Hey, it’s ok baby. There’s nothing to be upset about, ok?” Leo said putting his arm around my shoulder.

“He’s not nearly as feisty as I remember him being the first time I shot him. Do you remember that, John?” Tony asked me.

“He’s just shy that’s all,” Leo said.

“I remember that shake. But anyway, you wanted to talk payments?” Tony asked.

“Yeah,” Leo said, “Just out of curiosity.”

“Ok well level one gets the most bang because they are paying the most buck and we managed to get 5 level ones,” Tony answered him as the steward walked around making sure everyone was belted in properly and shut the door making sure we were secure for takeoff before going behind the curtain in front.

“How much is that?” Leo asked.

“Well that’s 1.5,” Tony answered.

“K? Only 1.5?” Leo asked his eyes wide in disbelief.

“K? Oh no Leo, we’re talking 1.5 Million, not K,” Tony answered.

Leo sighed in relief, “that sounds more like it. So, there are 5?”

“Yeah, they get whatever. If they want Spiderman if I can work it into the theme it happens. We have 7 level 2’s they get to do Oral and toys if they want, fingers that sort of thing, one level 3 which means only oral and we actually have one level 0,” Tony said.

“A 0? Who is that and how much is that?” Leo asked.

“Well, the 0 is paying nearly double the ones so that would be like 3 million and he can use anything he wants, Bondage, whatever he likes. Even though handcuffs get to be used if someone doesn’t behave which might be the case if he’s anything like he was in the studio. I honestly think being around people he knows or them being there calms him down,” Tony said, “And he’s some Arab guy I think.”

From what I understood there were talking prices. Who had paid how much and what that meant they could do to me while the camera was rolling. That there was one guy who had paid a shit ton of money compared to the rest, so he could tie me up like Leo had done to me two weeks ago or worse. So, that’s all I was to them. Something they could make money off? Something they could…kill from the inside out? Maybe it would be better if I just let myself die. If I could find a way to crash the plane.

But then I’d never see him again. Never see any of them again. Maybe I could cut my throat or something when we landed? Hang myself? Something, anything. I just hoped everyone could forgive me.

“Hey,” Leo said slapping my knee making me jump breaking me from my thoughts, “Isn’t that exciting?”

“Sorry,” I whispered, “What?”

“You get 981,000 for your college fund. Isn’t that exciting? You can literally go to school anywhere you want. You never have to make another video again,” Leo said.

“Well, that’s kind of the whole point of this right? One and done retirement,” Tony asked.

“I think so,” Leo said running a hand through my hair, “Unless he gets into trouble I think.”

Tony nodded his head, “That makes sense. He doesn’t seem like one for trouble though, has too many things keeping him in line if you know what I mean.”

I shivered. My brothers. My little brothers.

“Yeah, I get what you mean,” Leo said as the steward came over clearing his throat to get their attention.

“You gentlemen are free to move about the plane,” he said.

Take off had been that smooth? Or had I been that out of it? I didn’t remember feeling the plane even leave the ground. I felt sick to my stomach knowing we were up in the air, that I was that much closer to being a fuck toy for 12 days where I literally didn’t get to do anything else.

Leo smiled and nodded his head undoing his belt and then standing up and undoing mine wrapping his arms around me, “Are you ok baby? You look a little overwhelmed.”

“Of course, he’s overwhelmed, Dad,” Rich sighed, “981k a lot of money. He’s probably thinking of how he’s going to spend it.”

That’s not what I was thinking. I was thinking about how I was going to kill myself. How none of this was worth it. How no amount of money was worth this. How Leo right before we left had basically thrown me under the bus, taken Pat away from me.  
“If you want to you should get some sleep,” Leo said looking at me, “It’s a long flight and it’s going to be a long week baby.”

I nodded my head numbly in response, “May I use the bathroom?” I asked quietly.

“Of course, you can,” Leo answered, “It’s not like you can run away from us.”

I nodded my head and got up going to the bathroom and shutting the door behind me locking it. I hugged myself my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to panic as quietly as possible. I knew what they were going to do to me when I finally got there but, that didn’t mean I knew what the plane ride was going to be like. I took as long as I could without raising suspicion before someone knocked lightly on the door.

“Baby?” Leo asked me making me shiver.

“Yeah?” I asked quietly, numbly.

“Are you ok in there?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I think so,” I answered.

“Can you open the door please?” Leo asked me.

I sighed unlocking the door and looked. All three of them were standing there looking awkwardly. Did they all really have to go or something?

“Ok since it’s a long trip we decided you don’t need to sleep the whole way,” Leo said to which I recoiled.

“No, we’re not going to hurt you kid,” Tony said pressing his way through Dick’s and Leo’s bodies, “We’re going to do something fun.”

“What’s fun?” I asked Tony.

“Well,” he said shutting the door behind him, “How do you feel about joining the mile-high club?”

“What?” I asked confused never having heard of such a thing before.

“Well it’s where people have sex on a plane,” Tony said, “You want to join?”

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and shook my head. So, I was right to be afraid of that, that they were going to rape me on the way there too. Of course, I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be there in the first place.

“Come on, it won’t hurt you,” Tony said putting his hand on my shoulder as if to encourage me into it.

 

“I thought you liked girls better?” I asked quietly, barely above a whisper.

“Well, yeah but you’re here, and you're pretty,” he said brushing some stray hair behind my ear making me shiver, “And those eyes. I don’t know anyone who couldn’t fall in love with those eyes.”

“But I’m…I’m a guy,” I said.

“I know,” he said his eyes getting the heavy-lidded look as he sighed his eyes glancing down at my waist causing me to do the same, “That’s ok though. I’ll still make sure you get something out of it.”

“What if…what if I don’t want to?” I asked him shyly.

“Well, you can either do things with me or with Rich. It’s up to you,” he said smiling at the look on my face, “That’s what I thought. A lot of kids find that part the hardest, doing things with someone their own age.”

“It’s not that,” I said.

“What is it then?” Tony asked.

“He likes me, and I don’t…I don’t like him,” I answered.

“Likes you, as in romantically?” Tony asked me.

I nodded my head. It was true. He made sure I knew it was true. If you didn’t at least lust after someone you didn’t ask to suck their cock. You didn’t climb on top of them while they were bound unable to move and do things to them while they begged you not to.

If he had wanted to torment me he’d just fuck me. Make sure he got pleasure from it, but he wanted me in his mouth. He had wanted to kiss me everywhere, to put his hands everywhere and I hated it.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. He’s a nice guy, isn’t he?” Tony asked me kissing my temple.

I shook my head. I didn’t think he was nice. Nice people didn’t force you to do things you didn’t want to do. They didn’t listen to you beg them to stop and go harder, suck faster take you in deeper.

“You care about someone else?” He asked me causing me to frown, “It’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with not liking someone because you like someone else.”

“Why does everyone think that?” I asked not looking him in the eyes. His hand grabbing the hem of my shirt.

“You’re ok,” he said as I grabbed his wrist to stop him.

I didn’t want to be shirtless in front of him until I had to be, knowing he was going to see every inch of my skin in less than 12 hours. Knowing that he was going to critique my body and tell someone where they needed to put cover-up. How the lights needed to be directed at me to work the shadows to hide my scars better. Knowing that he was going to use the light to play up how small I was for my age; how weak I was.

“I saw it you know? The unedited footage. I’ve seen it before I never say anything but, I see it,” he said.

“You mean…?” I trailed off.

He nodded his head, “I’ll stay quiet if you’re good.”

“They already know,” I said, “Leo…” I felt my throat closing just thinking about it.

“Leo what kid?” You can tell me. You can be upset it’s, ok. I won’t tell anyone,” he coaxed.

“Leo says I can’t…and I need…” I said choking back a sob as I started crying.

“Shhh… hey, it’s ok. We all know how that feels. Back in my day, they used to do videos with girls too not all this guy on guy stuff all the time. Donna, her name was Donna. I fell in love with her and the moment they found out well, that was the end of that. I never saw her again. I vowed that her being a one wouldn’t ever stop me. That I would do what I could to find her again. To save her, get her out.

I worked my hardest. Fought and fucked every man I came across with abandon. Found out, in the end, she was sold off to some whorehouse in New York died at 17 from a heroin overdose. By then I was good, I knew all the right angles to shoot from, all the right positions to put people in. I was doing good for myself. I’ll never forget her though. I was going to buy her freedom when I found her if she hadn’t of been dead, marry her,” Tony said.

“It’s the worst thing they could ever do. Do this and then not…tell me I can’t see him or that when I do if he touches me that’s it. It’s over,” I whispered.

“How would they know?” He asked me.

“Dick…I mean Rich. He goes to school with me. He rides the bus with me. He might not be in my classes, but he keeps an eye on me. He tells Leo things and I’m…” I started crying again, “I’m his.”

“Kid, you’re the brotherhoods until your 25. All of you are, remember that. It’s not just you.”

“No, you don’t get it. I’m…I’m his and my Da’s and they’re never going to let anyone else…not even me and I can’t…I can’t shut it off and I need to, and I can’t.” I muttered.

“Shut what off?” Tony asked me.

“Feelings, thoughts. Anything they don’t want me to have. If I could it’d be so much easier. Just to not feel because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad,” I answered.

“If you still have feelings in 12 days, if you can still think for yourself I’ll be amazed,” Tony said, “That’s why these are usually what we call one and done’s. I make one video with the kid and never again. You, I’ve done how many with you? Four? Five?”

“Four I think,” I said quietly.

“If you weren’t such a hit you wouldn’t be even doing this, but 981 million dollars is a lot of money for the Brotherhood to turn down. You’re funding a lot of investments for us. You’re in very high demand. Participants paid big money, but your video is going to go for 900.00 every time someone downloads it. We’ll be making money on this for years to come,” he said.

“Are you going to give me something?” I asked, “Something to make it easier?”

“Can’t, that’s not on the books it won’t happen,” Tony said, “Let me see you.”

I hugged myself tighter, the words quiet and gentle, reminding me of Leo, of my Da. I would rather he scream at me to take my clothes off, brash and ballsy like he had the first time I had met him. Not like this.

“Are you going to make me?” I asked him.

“No, it’s not nearly as much fun. However, I can tell you something that might change your mind on it,” Tony said.

“What?” I asked.

“People, that ask about you. They ask if you have siblings or younger videos. All the time actually. If anyone talked your Dad into it there’s no telling who I’d be shooting with. One of those little blonds, you know the ones. The twins? Now that would be nice. How many sets of twins do you have in your family? Lots right? Wonder which set I’m talking about?”

I felt my insides go cold. He didn’t just work with the brotherhood but with the FFCL in general. Fathers for Child Love. Boys and girls, sometimes really young whose Dad’s had agreed they wanted their kids to know, to learn about sex through hands-on experience. He wouldn’t agree to that, would he?

“You wouldn’t,” I said quietly.

“Can you truly believe I wouldn’t?” He asked me.

“Just let me see you,” he said again, “You're beautiful. Not like other boys your age.”

“Please?” I asked him not wanting to.

“I’m done playing ok? You either do it or I make you. Which one do you think is going to be harder?” He threatened.

I sighed pulling my shirt up over my head his fingers tracing my nipples lightly and I allowed my shirt to drop to the floor of the bathroom before he buried his head in my neck the fact that he was unusually short making it easier for him. I was almost as tall as he was. His hands started palming at the crotch of my shorts.

“You’re not going to…are you?” I barely managed to ask as he started kissing down my jaw bone.

“I only get to sample the goods. I’m not allowed to eat the whole plate,” he said pushing me kind of hard into the sink as his mouth made it to my nipple, “God they are right you do taste good, don’t you kid?”

“Stop,” I demanded, panting, “No, no…” I moaned that tingling starting up as I pushed on his shoulders, “Please. Please T-t-tony…please.”

“You get rock hard, don’t you?” He asked against my nipple smiling, “Sensitive?”

“I’m begging you, please don’t make me. Please don’t…” I said as he started rubbing.

“That’s something I think I like about boys more. You can see the arousal plain as day, the body just lays it all out there very straightforward. Where girls, you must get really close to see all that blood rushing to the clit, how plump and red it gets. Boys, you can just see it, standing straight up red and flushed. If I was allowed to I’d suck you off just to hear you moan. Beg me just like you did. But, I don’t think we’re supposed to be doing this anyway so…” he said rubbing more aggressively as I gripped his shoulders making him smile at me, “There you go just let it happen.”

“Stop,” I begged feeling unable to control the expression on my face which I was knew looked halfway between panicked and pleasured my eyes wide as my chest heaved and my mouth stuck open.

After a few minutes, he sighed and stopped. I figured maybe he was bored of me his eyes looking at me closely, intently. I sighed with relief, thinking he actually cared about my request and he must have known it because he smirked in amusement.

“I don’t want to waste a good cum shot without a camera here, so might as well leave it for when we land,” he said making my face fall.

“Why do you have to be like that?” I asked him.

“Honestly? It’s my job to make you uncomfortable kid,” Tony said shrugging his shoulders before opening the door.

“So, did my boy join the club?” Leo asked opening his arms for me to come sit by him which I didn’t want to do.

“Nah, I think we should wait until on the way home for that. Save his energy because this is going to tire him the fuck out,” Tony said.

“Very true,” Leo said, “Oh I have a question for you Tony.”

“Sure, shoot,” Tony said leaning back on the bench taking up as much room as he possibly could.

“Well, you helped direct John with his friend Patrick, right?” Leo asked.

“At least once I think, yeah. Why?” Tony replied looking at his hands like he was bored with the subject.

“Was that just something Ben arranged or was there a reason for it?” Leo asked, “And did it seem like there was something going on there?”

Tony paused looking up at Leo frowning before he smiled, “Jealous of a little boy Leo, really?”

“I’m just wondering, if there is chemistry between them or if it was just all for the cameras,” Leo said.

“Listen, Leo, he wasn’t even your contract when that was made. If there was something there why does it matter? And, I’m sure there wouldn’t be anything going on behind the camera anyway. Did they look good together? Apparently, a lot of people think so because the video still sells well. So, if that’s what you’re asking then, yeah there was chemistry. Did I see any without the camera rolling? They mostly seemed terrified,” Tony lied.

I didn’t know why he was lying for me. He knew how Ben had caught us. That he had caught us in the bedroom about to have sex. He had been right there. I had no idea what he was playing at other than he didn’t want to lose his cash cow, me.

“You sure?” Leo asked.

“Yeah, of course, I’m sure,” Tony said going back to staring at his hands, “I know you’re the jealous type, Leo. Someone been telling you tall tales about your boy?”

“Rich, what has John said about his relationship with Patrick?” Leo asked.

“That they’re just friends but Da you should the way…” Dick answered before Leo cut him off.

“Well, I believe John when he says that. But, the fact that Rich says there’s something there makes me wonder. Know, I don’t want you hanging out with that boy anymore. Ok, John?” Leo said, “You know where I stand on that, right? I think at school you should hang out with Rich. Leave Patrick and Tanner’s son to their own devices, ok?”

I nodded my head. I had already figured that’s where he was going with that the moment he hung up on my brother at the mere mention of Pat’s name. At the mere thought that Pat would comfort me when I needed it. That he cared about me. According to Da and Leo only they were allowed to care about me and that was an idea I should get used to. It was after all their body and not mine.

Even knowing that was what he wanted it still felt like a punch in the gut. Not only was he taking Pat from me but Cole and Dom and Tosh as well. I wasn’t allowed to have anyone anymore. I barely saw my siblings because I was always at school or Leo’s and now I wasn’t allowed to see my friends either.

“Are you and Dom just friends too?” Dick asked me.

“I don’t want to have sex with anyone so why on earth would I be more than just friends with someone?” I hissed.

“Woah,” Dick said smirking in amusement, “Shimmer down, ok? It was just a question.”

“I think we can all say that that’s an outright lie considering how your body responds to us,” Leo said smiling at me, “You know you like it.”

I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t have the energy to fight about it. I mean I was on my way to be fucked by 14 guys over a period of 12 days so why should I waste my time trying to convince them I didn’t like what they did when they were right? My body told them that the opposite was true.

“Come here,” Leo said patting the seat beside him again looking at me expectantly, knowing I wouldn’t say no. Not when I was already stuck. Not when there was nowhere to go.

I sighed sitting down next to him as he put his arm around my shoulder forcing me to lay my head in his lap, running his hand lazily through my hair. The act made me curl into myself and shiver. At least when they raped me I wouldn’t have to deal with this. At least it would just be a hit it and quit it type of deal. I hated it when they cuddled with me. When they were done suffocating me with their hands, their bodies against mine.

“Try to sleep, ok? It’s a long ride and when we get there I think we have some stuff we have to do,” Leo said as I closed my eyes, so I didn’t have to look at him.

“He’s so sweet,” Tony commented, “Not as beautiful as some of the others in my opinion but, he’s pretty.”

“Are you kidding me he’s gorgeous,” Dick muttered, “All of him.”

“Can I ask you what’s with your kid?” Tony asked Leo.

“He has a little crush is all,” Leo said.

“Well, he should try it. it’s good it’s the best I’ve ever had,” Dick said.

“What is he talking about?” Tony asked.

“Well, John is gifted in certain departments,” Leo answered him.

“So that rumor Hank started is true?” Tony asked.

“Oh yeah,” Dick said enthusiastically.

“If it’s really that good you should think about bottling the stuff,” Tony said.

“Connor won’t. Connor didn’t want to share him with me let alone anyone else. This is the last time he wants to share him with anyone. However, Connor said he’d recontract with me for at least a year,” Leo said rubbing my back as I shivered, “Just go to sleep ok? Don’t worry about it, it’s all shop talk.”

“Connor knows it doesn’t work that way. At least a minimum of three Villa parties a year and 5 mandatory rotation duties. I know he enjoys his exclusivity for his boys but, once some of those boys age up he has nothing to help him hold that favor,” Tony said.

“That’s still a long time to hold favor. I mean, one of his boys is only one and no one will even think of touching him until like what? 6? And you know it’s going to be Connor first because of Handler rules and then probably the leader because you know he has a thing for that tightness,” Leo said.

“Isn’t Hank pay…what?” Tony said, and I could hear the confusion in his voice, “Oh, ok. How did you end up with this one anyway?”

“My boy?” Leo asked, “Connor saw a video I posted to the site of me with my contract before, Dylan and he liked what he saw. I’d seen footage of this one before. Really, nice footage and Connor directed me to some more…enticing footage that really got me thinking.

Dylan was just about to outgrow me, and Connor asked me if I was interested in a meet with him and Dylan and I would get to spend some time with this beautiful little thing here snuggled in my lap. I said yes, and he was everything I anticipated and more. So, I made an offer. He fought me hard on it, didn’t want to share for obvious reasons but decided after he got them all back home that maybe, maybe it would give this one a reason to stay so he said yes, 6 months. And having him in my bed 3 nights a week, worth every penny.”

“Did Dylan ever make his declaration of intent or has he decided to 1-5 it?” Tony asked.

This was an expression I had never heard before. 1-5 it? I had no idea what that meant and made a mental note to ask someone later knowing I was supposed to be sleeping or trying to sleep as Leo put his hand up under my grey t-shirt rubbing the skin of my bare back making me shiver, his fingertips sending tiny sparks through my skin.

“Shhh…you’re all right baby. Try to sleep, ok?” Leo said again, “Yeah, he’s a 1.5 he likes it in the ass too much, I think. He keeps asking me to hang with him but, I think I’m in love,” Leo sighed, “I think I might try to catch some shut eye too. How much do we have to get done when we get there?”

“Well, A said it’s almost done. Everything is set up all identifying markers have been taken off the walls. Cameras are up and have been adjusted. All the cameramen and crew are already there and apparently 9 of the participants. So, we’re just waiting for the rest, but they should be there around the same time we are. I don’t know if they’re coming in through the same airport or not but they all have their hotel rooms and we’re staying on location. No overnight guests, no names obviously, just like always.”

“Are we going to know any of these guys?” I heard Dick ask.

“Yeah, I’m sure we will but still no names. It helps the crew if you call them by their numbers regardless, ok? I mean I can edit slip-ups and what not, but it keeps things anonymous all right?” Tony said.

“Ok,” Dick said.

After a while things got quiet and someone turned down the lights. I’m pretty sure I did manage to fall asleep everything being dead silent for the longest time until I felt someone shake my shoulder gently and I sat up scooting away when I realized my head was still in Leo’s lap, “It’s ok. It’s just me,” he sighed, “Sit up and do up your seatbelt we’re coming in for a landing.”

I nodded my head and did as I was told Leo looking at me and then sighing looking at Tony, “He looks tired.”

“I am and don’t talk like I’m not here please, Leo,” I muttered.

“Oh, feisty huh?” Tony commented, “That’s ok. Nothing we can’t work with. He does look tired. We’ll have makeup crew though, so it shouldn’t be a problem. That and it’s 7 am so he has a while before we start. He can grab some more shut-eye. Everything should be set up.”

“Well I know it’s a late start, but I thought we were starting today?” Leo asked.

“Yeah not until 11 though,” Tony answered, “He can sleep in the set up if we need him to. We’ll drop these two off and then head over to the hotel to do the draw and talk to everyone and that will be that. Bring over 1 through 4 get started and you know, do the breaks make sure he gets lots of water and food on breaks and then wrap for the night start again tomorrow.”

“So, you have the whole thing like really planned out. Don’t you?” Leo asked.

“To the minute. It makes it easier to get things done fast. If we were shooting in Thailand or somethings would be easier. We could take longer without worrying about it being broken up but that’s why we’re using numbers and not names. Makes it harder for someone to rat if they get caught doing anything unsavory, however, I always blur faces besides the face we’re all looking forward to seeing,” Tony said.

There was a slight bump as the landing gear touched down with the tarmac, I could feel the whole shudder travel through my body. So, this was it? This was …going to happen. There wasn’t any stopping it, any turning back. Nothing that I could do to convince them this wasn’t ok. That they shouldn’t make me do this.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filming begins for John's one and done his anxiety sky high as he tries to find a way to cope, to deal with what's happening his body getting sorer by the minute as his brain races trying to figure out a way to deal with the prospect of his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1124 to 1140. You are almost to the end of John's part 2 (I know I keep saying that.) However, you only have 8 pages left. Why did I cut this with leaving 8 pages? Because this was a good place to stop. There might be more than 8 pages by the time I'm done editing so we will see. **Warnings: Rape, forced kissing, forced anal, forced oral, toys, pearl necklace, forced orgasm**

I was quiet. Nervous. I looked around, my eyes dancing around the area as I watched people move and in out of the airport. When we got off the plane I was ushered into a waiting black car Leo watching my face attentively, watching my silent panic. He sighed grabbing me lightly by the elbow making me jump.

“It’s ok,” he said, “If you think of running I’m just going to warn you the consequences of doing something like that would not be good for anyone you know. By the way, Rich when we’re gone getting the numbers please keep your hands to yourself. I don’t want to hear about you touching him at all and the camera guys are going to be there watching right, Tony?”

“Yeah, Camera guys and sound will be there,” he sighed like he was bored as we all got into the car.

The drive didn’t feel like it took very long at all the last turn we made on some country road down a private drive and then through a small thicket of woods. Once we got past the woods there was white Sandy beach as far as the eye could see with the villa. The Adobe villa standing like it had for a long time. The bricks bleached from so many years in the sun. I didn’t even remember the building to be honest, but apparently my Da owned it. 

The driver pulled around to the side of the house where there was a vast almost parking area full of cars, mostly vans that looked like they were to carry equipment with some guys standing around their Tan skin glistening with the heat and humidity as it beat down upon them. The sun heating everything up that much more, making me feel that close to suffocating as the car stopped moving and Leo got out opening the door and pulling me out by the elbow.

He didn’t say anything not really giving me time to look at the house that seemed to have everything furnished in white which was the opposite of how my mum would have decorated, her love of color completely absent from the house making me wonder if she had ever set foot here. If she even knew about it.

Leo took me down the hall up to a pair of intricately carved double doors and pushed them open. There were cameras standing in different places throughout the room all pointing towards a king-sized bed with a white comforter framed in lace and crisps white sheets.

“What’s up with all the white?” Leo asked Tony who leisurely strolled in behind us checking the place out.

“Well, no color it’s harder to do a match, find where it is. It looks like this room could be anywhere in any country from any place. That’s the way we want it, we don’t want anyone to be able to trace the origin of this. We get caught doing this we go to prison for a long time if we survive the first week, so I don’t know about you, but I’d rather cover my ass,” Tony sighed.

“What about the sheets though?” Dick asked him frowning.

“Oh, it’s a fetish thing,” Tony answered, “They like to see the sheets get soiled sometimes. Kid, I’m trying to target as many consumers here as I can in one go. We already shot the UV footage, it’s where you take a black light and shine it on the sheets show them there is nothing on it. Obviously after we’re done we reshoot, so they can see how dirty the sheets are under the UV light again because that’s like a thing but anyway…”

“Shouldn’t he stay out of the bed then?” Leo asked looking at me.

“No, no he’s fine. We got what we needed for that. No reason he can’t sleep in the bed now. I’d prefer it. It keeps the rest of the house clean because if there is any damage to the house apparently I’m paying for it so, if they could stay in here or in the common area and out of the other two bedrooms until it’s time to actually sleep that would be awesome,” Tony said his voice rising slightly as some guy walked in front of him. The guy nodding his head in confirmation as he continued walking away.  
“Ok, do you want him to bathe or anything?” Leo asked talking about me like I wasn’t standing right next to him.

“No, he’s fine,” Tony said, “You two stay here, all right? Watch TV, sleep, whatever, I don’t care we’ll be back in…” Tony looked at his watch, “2 hours.”

Leo smiled at us and gave a halfhearted wave before shutting the door behind us leaving Dick and I alone in a room standing there staring at the bed awkwardly. So …this was it? Pretty soon I was going to be strapped down to that bed naked surrounded by god knew how many people while people did things to me. Things I didn’t want them to do.

“So…?” Dick said after a moment of silence, “Nervous?”

“Fuck you,” I hissed.

“I think you already have,” he said smirking.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” I hissed again.

“Keep going. It’s not going to change how amusing I find this. Maybe if you’d been nicer this wouldn’t be happening,” Dick said.

“Nicer? I’m supposed to be nice? Excuse me, have you ever in your life dealt with any of them ever? What is wrong with you? Did they fuck you stupid?” I said causing Dick’s eyes to flash and anger.

“You’re lucky I can’t touch you right now,” he said.

“You want to touch me? You think whatever you’ve done before this is going to matter when they’re finished? Are you kidding me?” I said the words hitting me as I said them causing me to wobble my way over to the foot of the bed and sit down.

So, this was it. 2 hours. I had two hours to see if there was any way out of this. Which, I doubted there was. I wanted to hear their voices, any of them. It didn’t matter if it had been Matty or even fucking Da. I just wanted to know my family still cared. That they weren’t throwing me away. 

But most of all I wanted to hear Pat. To hear him telling me I was ok. That I could get through this that all I had to do was what I was told. I Closed my eyes and try to go away like we had talked James through, and Mike. Talk me through building a castle so I didn’t have to be there anymore. I wanted him to hug me and tell me that he still loved me. That he wouldn’t think I was gross and nasty and used and broken after this was over. That I was still ok, that he would still love me because I felt like no one would want me after this, that Chad, that Dick that everything they had ever said was right. That I was lucky anyone wanted me at all.

“You don’t need to cry about it, they haven’t even started yet,” Dick spat watching me.

“Shut up,” I muttered my whole body shaking as I allowed myself to cry not caring he was there. What did he know? It wasn’t his body people were about to do this too, it wasn’t his life they were going to rip apart. What little bit of a life I had.

“Hey,” Dick sighed almost sounding sad, sorry for me, “You’ll be fine. It’s just something you must do, ok? It’s not a big deal. After you’re done we’ll still be here. You won’t be alone.”

“Don’t you get it? I am alone. I’m fucking alone because of you,” I hissed, and he flinched back almost like I had smacked him.

“How are you alone and what did I do to cause it?” He asked me frowning.

“You and your stupid mouth, your stupid rumors. Your stupid Dad, everything,” I said a sob ripping free before I slapped my hand over my mouth before another could break loose.

“Oh, you mean Patrick? So, you do love him then?” Dick mocked, “Oh poor me I can’t be with my boyfriend. I can’t get it up the ass from the one dick I want because you know I can’t have just any cock, it has to be his, poor me, poor me. I have guys paying money to be with me, I have guys that want to be with me and would do anything for the chance and yet that isn’t good enough. I have a guy in front of me right now that if I asked him he’d get on his knees and swallow me gladly and it doesn’t matter because he’s not the person I want.”

At that, I stopped crying and looked up. Seeing the way, he was looking at me. The hurt in his face, the pain. That’s what this was about for him? Me not wanting him. Not wanting to be his.

“You didn’t even want me until you found out I belonged to your Da,” I said quietly.

“That’s not true,” Dick sighed, “It’s not true. Why don’t you see it? How beautiful you are, how…how wanted?”

“There’s nothing beautiful about me, you and Chad said so yourself. Who would want to be with me? I’m not worth anything,” I said, “I’m so worthless I’m here about to get fucked by 14 people who don’t have names but numbers.”

“Don’t you see that means the exact opposite of what you’re saying? You’re so special that you’re the only one in this whole thing that is worth a name. All you have to do is lay there while you get pampered and pleasured while you have 14 different people suck you off. You know how many guys probably have dreams about that happening to them?” Dick said.

“I don’t want it,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want it.”

Dick sighed running a hand through his hair and biting his lip before he looked at me, “I saw you sitting next to him ok? Chad already had him claimed I didn’t want Chad’s sloppy seconds and you, you’re taller and you had this something about you fuck, your eyes the way you moved almost like a baby gazelle so alert and alive yet so unsure, so shy and fragile. You’re magical John and someone could make you feel that if you would let them. I could if you would let me.”

“I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t need to feel magical. I need to feel like I matter,” I answered hugging myself tighter pulling my knees into my chest and hugging them to my body, “And you think you could stop them. I’m his, I’m theirs. You know I am. So why would you even want to try?”

“You mean my Dad’s? That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t let me have you, spoil you. You feel good John, you taste good. You’re the only one who can’t see it. He loves you too, you know? He talks about you constantly. We just want you to feel good, to love yourself. To do what’s right so you can take care of yourself the way you deserve, someone will.”

“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t…” I sighed. It was useless.

He was just like them. He didn’t see it because he didn’t want to. He didn’t see that type of stuff hurt me. That type of stuff was something I didn’t want, that it didn’t feel good, that it wasn’t ok. That I wasn’t ok. That I was falling apart, that I was dying inside. None of that mattered to any of them. None of that mattered to anyone but Pat.

Pat cared, my brothers cared. But, Pat was magic. He wanted to make me feel good, make sure I loved myself. Make sure I felt safe and like what I wanted was what mattered most and the moment I left here they were taking him away from me. I wasn’t allowed to touch him, to talk to him, to see him. I was Leo’s purely Leo’s. Leo’s little toy, his special friend, his boyfriend, his whore, his fuck buddy, whatever you wanted to call it that was all I was. That’s all anyone would see me as. Some used up whore that was finally fucked by 14 guys and then sold off to some guy who didn’t let him leave a bedroom for three days every week soon enough to be a full week every other week once school let out. My life was useless.

“If I don’t do it someone else does and it hurts you more. At least I want to make you feel good. At least it’s not about me,” Dick said quietly.

“I will never want to be with you,” I said staring at him coldly, “Either of you. You’re just like my Da. Everything you say is a lie. You want me to think it’s about me, but really it’s all about you.”

I sighed kicking off my shoes and throwing them on the ground before I crawled up the bed and threw the covers back wrapping myself up in them over my head and face, trying to protect myself as I pouted, as I tried to breathe while I drowned on air.  
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was feeling hands on me before I opened my eyes. Slow, grasping, cold, working their way up my basketball shorts I was still wearing. I opened my eyes and there was some guy on top of me, horn-rimmed glasses with a dark brown comb-over, thin and pale, his long nose protruding from his pinched-looking face under a black ski mask as he smiled at me. His hands brushed against the tip of my penis as I realized what was happening.

“It’s ok beautiful,” he said.

I shook my head trying to clear the fog from my still asleep brain. I tried to figure out what this was before realization hit me, they had started. I looked up and the men wearing all black behind every camera them moving the cameras just slightly to change angles as I looked at them. They hadn’t even woken me up? They hadn’t even warned me?

“It’s ok baby,” he said grabbing the hem of my shirt as I shook my head my whole-body trembling as I gripped my own shirt in my fist trying to pull it down, finding him stronger then I was. He kept managing to force it up no matter how hard I tried to keep it down, “It’s ok,” he said as I shook my head.

“No,” I said my whole body shaking like I was cold as I started to feel the panic rising, started to hyperventilate, “no.” 

“Yeah, it’s ok. I won’t hurt you. I promise, I just want to make you…”

“NO!” I screamed as someone handed him a pair of scissors and he cut my shirt off in one motion before he started pulling my shorts down. Me noticing he was already naked.

“Baby it’s ok,” he muttered his movements getting choppier more, more excited his eyes widening excitedly, “God you’re so beautiful.”

“Stop,” I begged him, “You don’t have to do this,” I begged at him trying to push him away as he managed to win the struggle for my shorts throwing them on the ground leaving me squirming under him naked before he maneuvered above me shoving a finger inside me, a well-prepared finger making me wonder how long they had filmed me while I was sleeping.

“STOP! DON’T! DON’T!” I screamed as he started moving his finger in a circular motion. He inserted up to the first knuckle before adding another one my whole body shaking as I looked pleading at these guys who seemed like robots just watching it happen. Just watching this guy do this to me, touch me, grab at me and finger me as I pushed at him trying to get him off me. I fought as hard as I could as he smiled at me. As nothing helped me. As I screamed, and I begged and no one and nothing helped me.

When he felt I was ready he pushed into me before I even had a chance to try and close my legs try to block him as he pushed in, “Shhh…it’s ok it’ll feel good, baby. Just give it a second,” he muttered into my neck kissing me. His bony hands feeling like they were digging into my shoulders as he rolled his neck looking at me, “God you have such a nice boy pussy.” 

“NO!” I screamed at him as he started thrusting. He immediately hit my prostate on the first stroke, “No…”

I started pounding on his chest with my hands.

“OH. FUCK.YEAH.BABY.YOU.FEEL.SO.GOOD.YOU. HAVE. THE BEST FUCKING BOY PUSSY. OH, FUCK YEAH BABY OH YEAH, I’M GOING TO FUCKING CUM.OH YEAH BABY, OH GOD YEAH THAT’S. IT. RIGHT. THERE. THAT’S. THE.SPOT…THAT’ IT. OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD,” he nearly screamed at the top of his lungs almost every word accentuated by a thrust as the headboard made that pounding sound every time it hit the wall behind us. He pounded into me as I whimpered until he hit my prostate one too many times the heat that had gathered in my pelvis exploding releasing and pushing its way throughout my entire body making me freeze under him as he stilled inside me. His face turned red as his features scrunched making him look even uglier as he panted leaving me numb. I stared at his face blankly wondering how he could be enjoying this? Enjoying me.

After a minute I heard a loud clap making me jump my body still shaking, shivering causing me to look over, “That was nice. You think you can get it up again?” Tony asked the guy.

“For him? Fuck yeah,” The guy said smiling, “He feels good. He’s everything I thought he would be.”

“How long? We have like an hour and 25 minutes left and you still have to…well, it’s not called candle blown 14 times for nothing,” Tony said.

“Give me like 20 minutes,” The guy said, “For him maybe 15.”

“Nice, go take a walk everyone back in 10,” Tony said.

“Are you going to do something about him?” I heard someone ask.

“Yeah, I’m going to give him some water. Leo?” Tony said.

“I’m right here,” Leo sighed appearing out of nowhere. He came up to me a water bottle in hand, “You did really good, baby. That was great. That was an amazing first take. It looked like it felt good. Did it feel good?”

He asked this all in almost one breath as I tried to curl in on myself him putting his hand on my chest to stop me from moving. I didn’t know what to do. How to respond. Did I tell Leo to leave me alone? To fuck off. Did I ask who that was? Did I even want to know who that was? My brain reeling my body still tingling from too much, still shuddering.

“Hey,” Leo said quietly in a soothing voice, “Hey…it’s ok, baby. You did well. Ok? Really good.”

“Is he ok? He looks like he’s gone stupid,” I heard Dick mutter from somewhere.

“Touch him,” Tony said to Leo.

“What?” Leo asked.

“Just do what you do. Whatever it is, if he responds he’s good, we’re fine,” Tony said.

I didn’t think I could speak but I knew I could move so I shook my head and lifted my middle finger in Tony’s direction which elicited bellowing laughter from Tony.

“He’s good, he’s fine,” Tony muttered.

They waited. Leo trying to get me to look at him, talking to me, telling me I was ok. That I did good. That I was amazing, that I had looked amazing as he tried to get me to drink water. After what felt like the time it took me to blink the guy was back. Sitting at the end of the bed looking at me. I still felt numb, like even moving my finger was too hard to do as he grabbed me rubbing me to attention causing my eyes to go wide when he shoved his fingers back inside me. I felt his lips wrap around me.  
“Please,” I barely whispered, “Please stop, please,” I begged closing my eyes.

my body felt like it was melting under his touch. Those obscene sounds the only thing I could hear echoing in my ears before I felt my body explode again, my eyes rolling before he climbed on top of me. Because he did it again the same as before. The same words being shouted aggressively as he gripped my hips so hard they hurt as the bed rocked back and forth hitting up against the wall. After he was done with that he blew me again until Tony gave the order to stop.

“That’s enough 1,” Tony said, “I think that’s good. An hour off and then we’ll be back with 2. Go on guys break, be back in 50.”

Everyone sighed all leaving the room in a slow trickle leaving me laying there on the bed. No one even bothered to look at me as I looked at nothing. Past the ceiling, past the sky, not seeing anything even though my eyes were open. Leo came over and gently pulled the comforter over me running his hand through my hair making me flinch my whole body still shaking as he muttered something I don’t even remember hearing.

I closed my eyes. Only for a second did I close my eyes and when I opened them I was sitting up. Looking at the door and there was this guy. Bald, dark skin a smile full of teeth so white they could have glowed in the dark.

“Aren’t you a cute one?” He said smiling his voice a deep treble vibrating in my chest as I looked at him. He smiled and laughed as I brought my knees into my chest, “It’s ok little one, I won’t hurt you, I promise. You look like you’re the perfect fit for my cock. If your good I might even let you lick it.”

I sighed closing my eyes as he roughly grabbed me by the back of the neck shoving his tongue down my throat trying to get me to respond, to move, to do anything. I tried to stay blank, to stare straight ahead at nothing. His fingers pinching my right nipple with bruising strength making me whimper.

“There you are a precious one. Trying to get away, huh? It won’t be that easy with me,” he said pushing me back into the pillows using his full body weight as he crushed his chest to mine forcing me to wrap my arms around him to keep him from crushing me.

He dug his thumb hard into my hip socket forcing me to turn on my left leg to try and dislodge the way he pressed on me. The pressure point causing a hard, sharp pain to shoot down my leg. I don’t even remember him putting a condom on, but I’m sure he did considering. It was sharp when he plowed into me making me stiffen. My mouth fell open with a silent scream.

“Yes, there you are. Let me stuff you with my cock,” he said somehow shifting me so that we were sitting with me on top of him, in his lap.

He was big. He rutted into me, his girth and length reminding me of Neal from the hospital the way it felt making it hard not to squirm hard and fade away into that numb place I was in before the pain got impossible to ignore.

“It’s ok baby,” he said running a hand through my hair, you feel good why don’t you bounce?”

“S…st…stop,” I barely managed the pain causing my whole body to cramp up, feel breathless as he plowed into me hard gravity helping him penetrate deep where I could feel him almost moving inside my intestines, causing me whimper.

“There you go little bitch, take it. Take it good,” he moaned into my collarbone rutting harder, feeling like he was pushing deeper before he shifted his weight without pulling out of me, moving our position so that I was under him again. Something about the shift changing the way he moved that slight jolt hitting me suddenly making my eyes go wide.

“Feels nice, huh?” He said doing it again watching my face and smiling with glee, “Yeah little bitch, take my cock. It feels good doesn’t it?”

It took everything in me to keep breathing, slow inhale through my nose, exhale through my mouth as I felt myself starting to become erect yet my body still in pain from him being inside me, stretching me. He ran his hands through my hair telling me I was good, that I fit like a glove that my insides were perfect as he brushed against that spot electrocuting me. Sending a jolt up my spine as I just tried to breathe.

Right before he came he pulled out finishing his-self with his hand on my stomach and chest. It felt unbearable. He reached down making sure he finished by rubbing his shaft against mine as he smiled biting his lips, “That’s my little bitch, huh? Did you like it? Did it make you feel good?” he muttered licking my chest, licking his seed off my chest as he moved his tongue down my body making me whimper.

“It’s ok little bitch I won’t leave you unfinished, I swear,” he mumbled the feeling of his words vibrating through his hands and into my legs as he swallowed me opening his throat wide causing me to immediately orgasm down his throat shuddering and whimpering like a kicked dog.

Tony must have given the signal for the cameras and sound to cut while my eyes were rolling because next thing I knew he was laughing, “That was fucking AMAZING 2! That took almost all three hours, but I think we might not even have to do a reshoot for you. How on earth did you last so long?” He asked the guy.

The guy laughed heartily and smiled widely his teeth making him look like a demon as he did so, “I guess I have a gift, yes?” He asked.

“Apparently so,” Tony agreed, “Ok someone get him in the shower and get him some food. He’s probably hungry.”

Leo came forward frowning at me as if the thought of touching me disgusted him. I was covered in number 2’s ejaculate still as well as being sticky and covered in sweat. I felt out of breath, dizzy my head spinning slightly as Leo helped me sit up putting a bottle of water in my hand.

“You’re doing so good. I’m amazed at how well you’re doing, baby. I knew you were special. I knew you could do this,” Leo murmured touching my head and making me pull away. Making me recoil, ignoring the bottle in my hand letting it do nothing more than numb my fingers as I tried to curl in on myself.

“Nope. You heard you must shower,” Leo said sighing before he lifted me under my armpits forcing me to move my legs.

Putting my foot on the ground, extending my leg sent pain radiating down my spine making me sob outright. It fucking hurt. I had never been in that much pain before. Not even after doubles, Leo supporting me to make sure I didn’t fall.

“It hurts,” I whimpered because oh my fucking god did it hurt, “it hurts.”

“I’m sure it does, baby. I’m sure it does, you’re doing so good though,” he said, “Just a couple of steps, all right? Just a couple of steps and then you’re in the bathtub. I’ll help get you cleaned up.”

“Leo it hurts,” I begged him, “It hurts.”

“Shhh…I know, baby it’s ok. It’s ok. You’ll be ok,” Leo said as he helped me slide down into the tub.

My head felt like it was pounding. I had one hour. One hour to get it together before I had to go back in there. Back in that room. My head felt like it wanted to fall off my neck barely able to support its weight my body was that tired. I wanted to cry more, but I didn’t have the energy. It took every ounce of strength I had not to just collapse in the water even with Leo’s arm around my chest holding me up.

“You’re doing so good,” Leo said, “I know this is hard. This is the only time you have to do this though, the last time.”

“I can’t,” I said my stomach rolling but me finding it impossible to throw up nothing in my system.

“You can. You’re doing so good, you’re so amazing,” he cooed rubbing a washcloth into my chest wiping away the cum caked on my nipples and stomach, “Really, you’re doing great.”

“I don’t want to anymore. Please, Leo, please don’t make me,” I begged closing my eyes the feeling of his hand on my skin too much grabbing his wrist and squeezing it gently, telling him to stop. That I couldn’t…

It wasn’t that he was hurting me. It was that he wasn’t. That his hands were gentle and staying gentle, that his touch was soft, tickling. I didn’t want to be touched anymore one way or another. Not by any of them. Not by anyone but him and I knew I could never have that again.

“Please?” I asked quietly somehow finding the courage to look him in the face as he stopped, sighing sadly.

“Ok,” he nodded his head, “I’m not mad this time. Because I know this is hard for you, but you know you don’t…”

“Stop you or push you away,” I Mumbled as he nodded his head.

“You have two more today and that’s it. I think they’re easy ones too. So, it’s not going to be a big deal,” Leo said making sure he kept his hands on the side of the tub after he handed me the washcloth.

“You know you can tell me more, right? That I’ve heard you talk about with Tony, with D—Rich?” I asked him.

“Yes, I know you have, and I did that because I wanted you to know what was going on. Give you a little bit of a heads up. Have you figured out the level system yet?” He asked me.

“level ones get sex. Real sex,” I answered him, and he nodded his head, “Those were…” my body started shaking.

“Hey baby, it’s ok,” Leo said softly.

“It’s not ok,” I said quietly, “I’m not ok.”

“You will be. When this is over, you’ll be ok. I’ll make sure of it, I promise,” Leo said.

I shook my head. I wasn’t ok. This would never be ok. I knew I had to do this. To finish this but I knew after I got home nothing would ever be the same again. That if I did manage to find a way to hang out with Pat, to talk to him I wouldn’t want him to touch me for a while. Because it seemed like nothing could erase this, not even him.

“Rich told me he talked to you. About what we want, how he feels,” Leo said.

I nodded my head. So, this was it then? He told me I couldn’t see him anymore. That he was going to tell my Da and it was over. Pat and I weren’t friends anymore.

“I’m choosing to believe you’re not in love with him,” Leo sighed, “But, I don’t want you to see him or talk to him. You hang out with Rich now, ok? I won’t tell your Dad I’ll let him make his own decision on that one. On who you can and cannot hang out with when you’re with him but, I don’t want to hear about those kids, to even see your thinking about those kids when we get back. You understand?”

I nodded my head. So that was it then. That was the talk. That was my life ending.

“Come on, finish up. We’re running out of time,” Leo said.

I sighed scrubbing myself as Leo sat there watching me until I pulled the drain. The water floating down my clean body only for me to go back to that nasty soiled bed to probably get it the ass by another strange guy.

Leo helped me walk back to the bed and I heard some of the guys laughing at me as I waddled in and laid back down most of the cameramen silent. Leo sighed looking at all of them, “We’re not paying you for your laughter and rumors you have something to say? Do you think something is funny?”

“Oh, we were just talking about two how he’s probably never taken one that big,” One of the braver guys commented.

“How big was he?” Leo asked curiosity getting the best of him.

“12 with a girth 9,” The guy answered.

“And he didn’t prep him at all. No wonder he’s sore,” Leo commented shrugging his shoulders.

“Yeah, Tony said these two are easy ones. That he’ll be fine by morning. Probably because they aren’t level ones so…” The guy shrugged.

“What’s your letter?” He asked.

“G,” The guy answered.

“G, I’m Leo,” Leo said shaking his hand as I sat there on the bed before the door opened. Tony coming in with the next guy who was already naked.

3 was tall, not as tall as two had been but younger. Probably only a couple years older than I was. Maybe two or three years older than Dick. He didn’t smile at me. He didn’t really say anything to me before he grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to him. I scratched at his arms to get him to let go of my hips, his thumbs digging into my hip socket hurting as I gritted my teeth.

And this was supposed to be easier? This was supposed to hurt less. My ass still burned from before. My body was still irritated. He pulled on my legs before stopping once he decided I was where he wanted me to be. He leaned over top of me, my legs closed as his body stretched past their length like he was going to lay on top of them as he looked at me.

“Hi,” he said his voice heavily accented as he stared at me. He waited in silence, “Are you going to say anything back?”

“Huh, hi?” I said uncertainly.

“Are you having fun?” He asked me.

“CUT!” Tony said as everyone sighed, “Ok, 3 don’t ask him that. Sure, we want this to be real, what is that? We don’t need him to tell everyone he’s not having fun. It’s very evident he’s not. Would you be having fun?”

“Fine, sorry,” 3 muttered, “I like to talk, ok?”

“Then ask him how old he is, if he has any siblings, what his favorite color is. Don’t fucking ask him if he’s having fun because you already know the fucking answer. I can promise you the people watching this aren’t going to care, either way, got it?” Tony muttered.

“Yeah, got it,” The guy sighed looking at me and smiling sheepishly shrugging his shoulders.

“Ok and let’s take it again, action,” Tony muttered.

“So, how old are you?” He asked instead biting his bottom lip seductively.

I looked at him. He knew I didn’t see the point in telling him, “14,” I answered barely above a whisper.

He nodded his head kissing the center of my chest still keeping his body weight off me the only thing touching me his lips, “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah,” I said not looking at him, looking over him.

“Are they as good looking as you?” He asked me smiling and I must have pulled a face because Tony yelled for cut again snorting.

“Ok, John what was that?” Tony asked me smiling like he was trying not to laugh.

“What?” I muttered crossing my arms the guy still on top of me shifting his weight, so he was perched on his knees above me.

“That face, what was that?” Tony asked me again.

“What face? I wasn’t making a face. If I was it’s because I don’t want to fucking be here and he’s looking at me like…” I sighed.

“You two are frustrating me. Clear that look off your face and just answer his question,” Tony said.

“I don’t know if they look good. How am I supposed to answer that? I don’t even think I look good,” I muttered.

“John, we’ve been over this kid,” Tony said shaking his head at me.

“That’s not fair. You know that’s not fair,” I said.

Tony sighed, “What part of this situation is fair to you?” He asked me.

He did have a point. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t ask for this. I was sore, I was tired, I had five cameras in my face and I was sitting there naked in front of 11 strange men all staring at me. One of them was holding a boom over our heads so he could pick up what we were saying clearly. It was a decently crowded room and I wasn’t happy to be there.

“It’s a weird question,” Leo intercepted, “You have to admit it’s a weird question.”

“Fine, ok, let's retry that without asking if his siblings are “good-looking,” you say?” The man asked.

“Yeah, good looking,” Tony muttered and then used a hand signal, and everyone sighed going back to it.

“What’s your favorite color?” He asked me.

“Black,” I answered shrugging my shoulders before he kissed my nipple randomly finally making contact again with my skin his right-hand wrapping around my left bicep.

“Hey,” I said pushing at him as he bit my nipple lightly, “Stop.”

I was more annoyed than scared. More tired and overwhelmed than upset. I was angry, pissed.

“Relax, this is about you,” he said, “Hey, do we have toys?” he asked the room.

Tony sighed, “Nightstand, look.”

“Toys?” I said feeling my body constrict itself on instinct. I was not ok with toys.

“Nice,” the guy said before getting up and going over to open the drawer. I didn’t know what was in the drawer, but he smiled holding up an anchor-shaped toy hitting a button making it wiggle to life.

I swallowed looking at him. I hated those things, that wasn’t funny. I didn’t want that thing in me. He smiled at me climbing back onto the bed as I shook my head.

“It’ll be fun,” he said, “It’ll blow your mind.”

I looked pleadingly at Leo. It was bad enough I had someone going down on me again let alone with one of those things shoved up my ass. Those things were cruel. The constant tickling pressure up against your prostate making you feel like you were melting. Every movement making it worse, more intense as you tried to get away, get it to stop.

“Just spread your legs,” he said me feeling frozen as I looked at him. The amusement on his face very evident as he placed his hand above my belly button causing me to suck in before he leaned over me. His knees were on each side of my arm as he leaned in to kiss me, his tongue going past my lips as I laid there leaning back on my elbows frowning at him. As his hand landed on my thigh traveling up it slowly his fingers tips tracing small circles.

I shook my head. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of this.

“Don’t be like that beautiful,” he said breaking our kiss grabbing and the back of my knee hard forcing me to bend my one leg as he placed the thing underneath against my hole making me try to back away.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said, “I like you.”

“Then don’t make me,” I requested quietly.

“Well,” he sighed, “See this is a gift and I’m not one to turn down gifts. So …” he said before he grabbed a bottle of lube squirting some directly onto the toy that was still buzzing against me before he started working it into my hole making me tense the buzzing feeling horrible. Making me squirm as he pulled it back out to push it back in again penetrating me a little farther each time. I was able to squirm and just barely and breathe as he kept one of his hands placed firmly on my lower stomach to keep me from moving away. When it got about half way in he laughed.

“Sorry, he cleared his throat still smiling, “I can feel it through your skin, can’t you feel it?”

I nodded my head. It wasn’t touching my prostate yet, but the feeling was overwhelming. The pulse up way too high for my brain to keep processing thought. My whole body overrun with sensation. This wasn’t something I wanted. This was not something I was ok with. I wanted him to stop.

“Stop,” I said.

“Why? You’re so hard already,” he said his hand finally touching me bring attention to my erection. The feeling of his hand on my shaft zapped me making me moan before I could stop myself, “See It feels good, doesn’t it?”

He started to rub as he pushed the vibrator in the rest of the way. The constant contact almost hurting my body as I could do nothing but move my hips and flex my muscles to try and dislodge it, disrupt it somehow.

He started kissing my belly button, licking it and sucking giving it enthusiastic attention like he was making out with it. I was completely frozen only able to close my eyes and try to control my breathing. All I could think was that this wasn’t good. I didn’t want this as I felt his tongue slide lower towards my base another sound escaping me as my muscles starting to twitch the heat and pressure almost unbearable.

“Nice sounds,” The boom man commented drawing my attention to myself.

It was mostly panting and sharp gasps but apparently people were enjoying it. All their eyes riveted on me when I opened them to see what was going on around me. Drawing my attention to how wide open my mouth was as I felt the guys warm tongue slide down my shaft making me groan before I managed to shut my mouth turning it into a mewl of some kind.

“A little out of breath huh?” The guy muttered before licking my tip his tongue dipping across my slit like Dick had done a couple nights before and with that I was done. My eyes rolling my body shuttering while I released my chest heaving. He wrapped his lips around my tip as I started coming letting a little dribble out before he did so, letting the camera see it before he hummed with satisfaction and started sucking it down leaving me breathless the feeling of it pushing me past the edge and over the cliff.  
He deep throated me sending a horrible shock through my system making my chest still my eyes open. Whatever he was doing was too much it tingled so much it almost burned.

“ok,” I said quietly tapping his shoulder, telling him I needed him to stop, “No,” I managed, “stop. Stop STOP!” I begged as he kept going the heat and pressure too much too strong, too painful as my body kept pushing, kept pushing and nothing came out my orgasm picking back up and not stopping.

Someone cleared their throat and he pulled away licking up my chest, “too bad I didn’t give them enough huh? I’d love to fuck you right now the sounds you make are so hot,” he muttered into my neck as I started taking little breaths again my body starting to calm down as he put his hand on the vibrator to pull it out.

“OH SHIT!” I screamed the shift of the vibrator sending another jolt through my body from my prostate outward into my limbs.

“Yeah?” He asked me, and I couldn’t do anything but shut my eyes. As he moved it back up to where it was before each movement of the damn thing keeping those jolts spreading, those painful and pleasurable jolts flashing through my body.  
He smiled at me, his grey eyes nearly flashing with excitement as I felt my eyes starting to burn. I felt my whole chest, no not even just my chest my whole body tensing and then relaxing with every movement, “God you're fucking beautiful.”

I didn’t want it anymore. I needed him to stop. I needed it to end and he wasn’t stopping. He was enjoying the gasping and groaning every movement pushed from me as I wheezed and whined my whole body frozen until he finally pulled it out my body turning into pudding just melting back into the bed. My muscles relaxing as my breathing finally started to slow, to even out.

“Nice, that took a while,” Tony commented, “And break everyone.”

Everyone left but one or two guys and Leo. Leo giving me a bottle of water this time having to drink it to at least get rid of my dry mouth. My whole body was shaking no matter how hard I tried to control it as Leo whispered encouragement in my ear telling me I was almost done for the day. That things were almost over and then everyone could leave, and we would go to sleep.

The last guy that day was old and fat licking his lips at me. Making me feel sick to my stomach. His light blue eyes seemed emotionless. His grey hair smoothed back neatly on his head. I was still shaking as he looked at me his eyes feeling almost like superman’s x-ray vision like he was seeing every part of me. Seeing everything there was to me.

“It’s ok little bird,” he murmured looking at me cocking his head to the side as he studied me, “I won’t hurt.”

“No,” I shook my head not bothering to try and sit up or push him away his hands touching my knees. I barely felt them the touch feather light against my skin, “Please, please don’t.”

“I won’t hurt you like those guys. They don’t know how to treat you. I do,” he said his voice so quiet I was sure I was the only one that could hear him. The words feeling like they were just for me.

I stared at him wanting to curl back in on myself. Wanting to disappear, tired of them watching me, staring at me silently and not saying anything, licking their lips hinting at their arousal sometimes adjusting the crotches of their pants. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to do anything anymore. Be anything anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, I didn’t want to think anymore, I didn’t want to see or hear anymore. I wanted to be nothing. To feel nothing, to do nothing to know nothing.

I sighed, blinking closing my eyes and inhaling deeply before I decided I could shut it off. Find that place again where I had been after number one. Find the place I had retreated to after he had climbed on top of me, pushed his way inside of me. I allowed myself to go limp as his lips touched my skin, as his hands wandered my hips and thighs, as he whispered to me.

Next time I blinked I was on the ceiling looking down, his hands on my body his tongue down there. I’m not sure I even really felt it. It was almost like I was watching a horror movie. The kid that was supposed to be me shuddering and crying silently as this guy kissed him, this guy he didn’t want on his skin.

When he was done, he got up and kissed me on the cheek. Told me I was good, beautiful and went over and shook Tony’s hand as everyone else moved around before Dick sat down next to me on the bed touching my arm making me jump. He looked at me and laughed as I looked at him shaking my head as his fingers started tracing along my collarbone.

“So, you were able to zone out for that last one huh? That’s impressive considering what he did. Just means all the sounds were genuine,” he said going to try and wrap his arms around me.

“No, no, stop,” I begged closing my eyes, “Please just stop. I can’t do it anymore please, stop.”

He started kissing on me rubbing himself up against my thigh through his clothes, his hardness evident through his pants as he panted into my neck, “God no one else will want you but, I think I always will.”

“Stop, please just stop. Please don’t,” I begged pushing at him lightly my body too tired to really fight as I grabbed the sleeves of his shirt and clung to them hoping it would keep his hands from going places I didn’t want them to go. Places that felt like they were on fire.

“Rich, not right now unless you want to help me put this on,” Leo sighed coming into the room.

He was holding this weird thing that looked like a jockstrap made of metal the cup part hard and uncomfortable looking but dangling down lower than usual. There was no doubt in my mind what it was for. What he was going to do with it. He also carried something black and shaped kind of like a thick arrow with a blunt tapered ending the other end being flared and hallow like it connected to something when I realized there was a leather strap going down the middle of the jock strap that looked like it locked to the front of the metal piece.

“What is that?” I asked hoping I was wrong and it wasn’t what I thought it was.

“It’s ok baby it’s not anything you did. It’s to keep you safe,” he said as I started trying to back away Dick grabbing my arm hard his fingers digging into my skin.

“No! Don’t put that on me. Don’t make me,” I begged trying to pull away.

“Shhh. it’s ok. It’s to protect you,” Leo said again as Dick grabbed one of my legs and I punched him making him laugh as I felt the wet squish as Leo pressed it against me.

It burned going in. It was made of a hard rubber or plastic so there was no give to be had. It made me feel uncomfortably full Leo quickly snapping it in place on the small leather strap between my legs as he fastened the other parts around my waist locking me in and placing a tiny padlock on the front of it. I didn’t get this. I didn’t understand the point of this other than to make me sore, to make me even more helpless.

“Why do you hate me?” I asked him.

“Baby, it’s to protect you. I’m serious,” he said again, “God I love you so much, baby. You don’t know how much we love you, both of us.”

“He’s right. I told you he loved you. You know I love you,” Dick said petting my cheek.

“Leave me alone. I want to go home,” I said.

“You’re with us. You are home for right now, baby,” Leo said as I started crying. He hugged me pulling me into his lap as Dick rubbed my shoulders.

I didn’t even care that they were watching me cry or holding me. I was so tired and sore and knew I would have to do it again tomorrow. That this was very far from over. I clung to them like I was clinging to Pat. Like I wanted so desperately to cling to him knowing I would never have that again if Leo had his way. I closed my eyes and tried to fight back the tears as I faded into numbness my mind shutting down.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's "vacation" comes to a close. He goes home but, it feels like so many things have changed he's not sure what the future will hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1140 to 1147. This is the end of John's part 2 and he's then going to be taking a hiatus for a while. Probably will be back after the new year and posting. I'm still trying to catch Will up so hopefully, those two months will be equal to around 4 on the page, hopefully, a little faster but the holidays are always busy. Please keep reading and stick with me if you want to hear the next installment. There is still so much more John has to say at this point. Thank you for reading what has become an enormous story! Like I said there is still a lot going on here and I hope you decide to return for Part 3 as well as continue reading (or if you haven't checked it out) start reading Will's story.
> 
>  
> 
> **Warnings: rape, forced oral, forced anal, forced kissing, restraints, mental health issues etc...**

I woke up the next morning a man who was probably not much older than I was putting makeup on some of the finger-shaped bruises on my hips and thighs and knees as well as a couple on my shoulders and forearms. Making me jump the chastity belt still in place him sticking his fingers under the leather straps trying to make sure he got the makeup blended good enough the camera wouldn’t pick it up.

He smiled when I squirmed, “Awake sweetheart?” 

“Wh-what are you…?”

“Makeup,” He said, “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you. I’m not allowed to touch you anyway, not like that no matter how much I want to. Maybe after they are done shooting I can convince them though? Give me a little taste? Would you like that?”

I felt the bile rise in my throat. Of course, I wouldn’t like that. I wasn’t doing this because it was something I wanted. What about my begging and pleading didn’t get that message across to this guy? I closed my eyes balling my fist around handfuls of the sheet where I was still laying on that bed. I felt like each touch was chipping away at my being, stealing tiny shards of my soul and burning them under a magnifying glass so I could never have them back.

“Are you finished here?” I heard Tony ask as he walked into the room a cup of coffee in one of his hands as the camera guys started filing in.

“Yeah,” The makeup guy said, “Yeah I’m pretty sure I have them all covered but I can’t get this thing off to check and make sure.”

“Leo has the key and you know why that’s one right F?” Tony questioned.

“Yes, I realize ok? It’s not my fault he’s…” F was cut off by Tony.

“Exactly your type and you tend to have a problem with keeping your hands to yourself?” Tony snorted, “Look you didn’t pay it’s not a part of your payment this time so we’re going to be professional here and keep our hands from going places they don’t belong understand?”

“Well obviously because there is 0 ways to get that close so…” F answered, “But yeah, for the most part, I’m done.”

“I’m here,” Leo said coming in wearing only boxers, “Is number 5 here yet?”

“Yeah, he’s outside smoking,” Tony answered as I heard the back door to the Villa open and wearing just a robe came number 5.

I felt sick to my stomach. I knew number 5. The blond hair the way his hazel eyes stared at me like he wanted to eat me, like they all stared at me. I could picture him watching Dom with my eyes closed. Those eyes boring into Dom like they were boring into me. Picture him as terrified as I was.

“Tan…” I started to say to try and beg him.

“No names John,” Tony reminded me as I shook my head.

“It’s ok,” Tanner said to me coming up to me, “You’ll like it.”

“Leo don’t let him do this,” I looked at Leo begging as Leo came towards me the key to padlock around my waist in his hand, “Don’t let him do this.”

“Calm down,” Leo said, “You’re going to do this and then we’re going to eat breakfast and move on. You’re not even halfway through yet baby, you’re doing great though you did great yesterday now just do it again today.”

“Leo I can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t do it anymore.”

“You will or you’re going to get restrained you understand?” Leo asked me.

“Restrain me,” I blurted out before I thought better of the request.

I didn’t want these guys on me at least if I was tied up I could fight and pull against my restraints instead of just screaming no. At least this way I didn’t have to worry about whether I was going to get in trouble because I had forgotten I can’t hit back, that I wasn’t allowed to fight.

“Ok,” Tony said snapping his fingers and some guy with shackles came up to me doing up one end of each side to the headboard and then putting the cuff parts around my wrists as Leo undid the padlock leaving me laying there naked chained to the headboard as I pulled at the shackles to see how much give the chains allowed me still giving me a decent amount but not enough to actually physically hit anyone that was sitting past knees.

“Thank god for morning wood,” Tanner muttered looking at me taking off his robe revealing that he was wearing a speedo his hardness evident.

I was hard too but like he said, morning wood. I wasn’t turned on at all I was terrified I didn’t want this guy’s mouth anywhere near me.

“Do you think if I try to kiss him he’s going to bite me?” Tanner asked Tony.

“I don’t know do you mind biting?” Tony asked.

“Well yes,” Tanner said, “Are you going to bite me, sweetheart?”

“He tends to freeze up more than anything. So, I think you’re pretty safe,” Leo answered, “I mean look at his face does he look like a biter to you?”

Tanner sighed getting on the bed grabbing me roughly by the chin and tilting my face up so I was looking in his eyes, “No,” He said after a minute of reflection, “My boy can get a little finicky though and change in just a matter of seconds and he’ll bite sometimes so I thought I would ask.”

I closed my eyes trying not to think about that information. I didn’t need to know Dom bit. I was damn proud he was a biter, but Leo was right I tended to freeze up. Because I got scared too many thoughts and emotions buzzing through my system. Where was Dom right now? He wasn’t going to be one of these guys I hoped someone the let come in and…

“Hey, it’s ok beautiful,” Tanner said running a hand through my hair, “Just close your eyes ok? Close your eyes and pretend it’s a hot girl. That’s all you have to do.”

He kissed me. Running his hands down my sides his thumbs brushing down my nipples as his tongue slid down the center of my chest making me gasps and yank at my chains. I didn’t want this.

“Stop,” I moaned keeping my eyes closed as he used his tongue to draw a circle around my belly button before his tongue started traveling down my happy trail, “No, no,” I said shaking my head my whole body starting to shake as it knew where his tongue was going, where his mouth was going and it wasn’t ok with that my body rebelling against me shaking no matter how much I told myself to keep still to quit letting them scare me, make me panic.

“Your skin tastes nice,” He murmured into my pelvis.

“Don’t,” I said his tongue and lips getting closer and closer my skin breaking out into a sticky sweat my muscles tensing waiting for the feeling to overload my system.

“God you’re sweet like my baby, aren’t you?” He murmured nosing against my base his tongue lapping at my balls.

“Don’t, don’t, don’t…” I begged finding it hard to even form the word my face heating up as I started panting making sure my eyes were shut tight my whole body shaking and shuddering. I didn’t want this. Not Tanner. Not Tanner. _"Please god stop, stop,"_ was all that kept going through my head. Like a broken record or a scratched CD that kept skipping, kept sending the song back to the beginning of a verse a verse that was stuck in my head each time it repeated my soul breaking a little more, my mind giving in.

He lifted my legs using the back of my thighs, so he could get a better angle on me his tongue sliding in.

“OHFUCK!” I screamed before I could stop myself releasing what was left of my air was a couple people put their hands over their mouths to stifle their laughter the top of my head pressing against the headboard as my body shivered so hard my teeth started to chatter. I didn’t want that feeling exploding sending pluses up and down my spine ebbing and flowing like waves hitting a shore as I felt my knees tremble and buckle my body not able to fight him off.

My scream had knocked all the air out of my lungs all the fight out of my body leaving me raw and helpless jerking under his tongue and as his lips and mouth worked over my body below my waist, sucking and licking and nipping his thumbs rubbing up and down my legs pressing into the back of my knees his lips moving rapidly up and down my length one minute and then humming while his tongue licked up my shaft the next.

By the time he was done I couldn’t hold my head up my body soaked in sweat me having climaxed more than once and then Tony called cut and I allowed myself to try and relax finding my whole body felt like it was stuck in one giant cramp waiting for Tanner to take his hands off me. Waiting for him to be done.

“That was great,” Tony commented, “How many times did he come dry you think?”

“Like twice,” Tanner answered, “There’s nothing wrong with that though. I like making boys dry.”

He ran his hand up my stomach to my chest tweaking my nipple, “You think I could …well,” Tanner muttered biting his bottom lip looking at me forcing me to close my eyes, so I didn’t have to see his face while I felt the tears burning there threatening to escape.

“You didn’t pay enough money T,” Tony answered, “Sorry but we have to stick to the rules I let you I have to let everyone and I’m pretty sure that would do permanent damage that I don’t want to be responsible for.”

“Oh, come on. What if I managed to pull the rest of the funds together before the reshoot? Could I then?” Tanner asked.

“I’ll think about it, I’ll have to call Connor and run it by him but, it’s possible,” Tony answered.

“Nice, if he feels as good inside as he tastes I can see why everyone is interested in him,” Tanner said.

“Ok everyone let’s take an hour we’ll meet back here in 50 to make sure everything is ready before the next guy comes in Leo he’s a level 2 as well,” Tony said as Leo came into the room with a bottle of water and what looked like an ice cream shake.

“Can someone unhook his arm, so he can eat?” Leo asked, “You know what unhook both, so he can shower and use the bathroom too.”

They did as Leo asked them to. Me downing the water quickly my mouth dry from panting so hard from my body shuddering and shivering under Tanner for 3 hours straight. When I was done I threw the bottle at Leo and I screamed. It ripped free before I could really stop it, I wanted it to shatter the windows and break open the earth below me to swallow me up but instead, it made everyone still close enough frown at me, some of them swearing in annoyance.

“There is no reason for that,” Leo shouted over the top of my screaming as I curled up on myself covering my ears, so I could keep screaming.

There was every reason for that. Five pairs of hands covering my skin, five tongues and five lips touching me…down there. Five voices telling me how pretty I was, how good I tasted. Telling me that that’s all I was. I was a whore, a cum slut, a boy pussy, a tight ass, a big cock, I was everything but human.

“Hey,” Leo said hugging me, “Hey you’re ok. You’re ok you’re doing so good baby,” he said kissing the crown of my head as I finally quieted down, “you’re doing so good. 9 more to go and then groups and then you’re done ok?”

“I…” I managed to croak before I lost my voice.

I wanted it to be over. I wanted everything to end for the darkness to swallow me whole. Never spit me back out because if it ever did he wouldn’t be there anyway.

After that, I feel like it all runs into each other faces merging clouding my memory me begging and pleading and being ignored as they all watched each night ending up the same way me wanting to claw my way out of my own skin.

On the fourth day, I think it was the fourth day I had kind of lost track of the day at the point only leaving the room to shower and eat only to come back and lay down, to have someone treat me like I was nothing. He came in. This guy I remember thinking there was nothing threatening about him noting how average he looked.

He looked like he was around my Da’s age his black hair graying slowly into a salt and pepper color, tiny wrinkles around the edges of his eyes as he looked at me sighing slowly a towel wrapped around his waist. His eyes were a dark brown, darker than you would expect for someone even with a complexion like his, a complexion that was somewhere darker than an average tan but not really African a well-sculpted goatee on his chin neatly trimmed.

He said something in a different language and some guy in the corner playing with a cell phone sighed heavily without looking up from the screen, “He’s asking if he’s really 14.”

“Yes,” Tony answered him, “he’s really 14.”

The guy said something else getting on the bed causing me to pull my knees up to my body. I didn’t like the look of him it was nine in the morning and my brain was tired and slow the feeling of my heart beating in my Adam's apple his eyes two pools of near blackness, two windows in an abyss of nothing.

“He asked if this is the only room we can do this in, that is a yes right?” The guy that was translating asked.

“Yes, this is the room, why?” Tony said.

“Oh, he doesn’t want to make a mess and thought it might be easier to do it with a what do you call it medical stretcher? Just saying,” the translator answered.

“Wait, Tony what is this guy into?” Leo said looking at Tony.

“I don’t know I didn’t arrange this part this part is through the higher-ups and the leader I didn’t pick these guys they just won the bids and got approved,” Tony said shrugging his shoulders.

“What is he into? Can you ask him, please? I don’t want anything that’s going to be permanent,” Leo said.

The translator stood up and sighed, “'anahum yuridun 'an yuearafuu ma turid alqiam bih lah.”

The guy smiled turning back to them shrugging his shoulders as he spoke, “qalilana aldam allaeb ma yahima? 'alays hu eahir?”

“He asks why it matters,” The translator said.

“I don’t want anything that’s going to scar or cause problems for him in the future. Tell him he might be paying money for one night but he’s mine,” Leo said.

“alsabi hu lih, kama yaqwl. la tuadhi lah 'iilaa al'abad,” The translator said.

“I’ll refund him 500k if he doesn’t do bloodplay or break any bones,” Leo said.

“Leo, what the fuck?” Tony said.

“I’ll give it to you Tony. This is personal. I don’t want him to hurt my baby.”

“madha yaquluna?” The guy leaning over the bed said.

“sawf tuetik khamsimiayat 'alf mrt akhra la tuadhiy aleahira,” The translator answered.

“Yes,” He said before turning back to me dropping his towel.

“You better give me that money Leo or I swear…” Tony muttered.

“You’ll get it, don’t worry about it,” Leo sighed.

I wasn’t sure what this guy was going to do, but I noticed Leo trying to sneak out of the room as someone handed the guy in front of me handcuffs before he grabbed me gently by the neck looking into my eyes.

“'iidha samah li 'an khanaq lakum ealaa diki,” He said quietly nearly hissing the words before he pushed me down rolling me over onto my stomach.

I closed my eyes tensing up ready to feel him penetrate and then I heard a cough. A loud cough and then a heavy sigh from Tony, “Tell him none of that. He wants to do that he waits until the end of day 10 we can’t have it. It will ruin my shoot.”

The translator muttered something I didn’t hear and the guy on my back sighed leaning his head into my shoulder before kissing me, he slid right in. My body accepted him having already been raped 12 other times almost every one of them at least using their fingers to poke and prod at my prostate. He started moaning, grunting as he bucked into me making my insides twist as I braced myself against the headboard using my fist as the bed bounced and his hands dug into my hips.

I buried my face in the pillow. It didn’t feel like anything anymore. I didn’t even hurt my body already too sore to really pay any attention to it every bit of energy I had focused on breathing. I must have almost fallen asleep before the next thing I knew I was jolted awake by a wetness licking down my spine and into the cleft of my ass.

“Oh shit!” I muttered rather loudly.

“astyqaz dhlk,” I heard someone say before the translator spoke sounding amused.

“He said that woke him up.”

Everyone laughed as I felt his tongue in my ass hole. I totally understood why Cole hated this. This didn’t feel good this felt almost exactly like someone blowing you only their hands were all over your front and their tongue all over your backside instead of the opposite I felt my face flushing as I tried to breathe the feeling weird, making me tingle for the first time that morning., for the first time in what seemed like days him pushing on the back of my hips in order to make my back arch making my ass perk up into the air so he could bury his tongue deeper.

I inhaled through my nose and exhaled slowly through my mouth. Repeating the act over and over again afraid if I didn’t I would stop breathing. I wanted it to be over. I wanted his tongue to go away his hands to go away. I wanted it all to stop but it didn’t. He kept going kept going until he was satisfied, and I was only half conscious my body on fire before he flipped me over and muttered something to the translator.

“You know about sounding he asks?” The translator said.

“No,” I whined before I started crying. I didn’t want sounding. I didn’t want one of those things inside me. It felt like the only hole they hadn’t used until it was raw. Number 10 having fucked my throat holding me hard by my hair until I hadn’t been able to breathe until I’d been on the verge of passing out and Tony had yelled at him and ordered a break.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” Leo asked.

“It’s not like you don’t sound him I’ve heard you too,” Tony replied, “Get it out, let’s watch him squirm, if he wants to we can start on doing a group shot.”

“I can’t anymore,” I moaned quietly.

But they did. Of course, they did I mean I wasn’t anything to them anyway. I screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore. Until I was sure I was dead inside for a while. Not allowing my brain to process, to feel anything. Just waiting for it to all end one way or another.

I don’t even know how I got through those 12 days. All the shoots and reshoots, the screaming and crying. Wondering when they were going to just kill me or maybe if I was already dead if this was just my brain torturing me as my body rotted in the ground around me.


End file.
